From Friends To Lovers:
Stop Being Someone’s Emotional Cookie
By Frank Kermit
You have been friends for a long time. You share secrets, you are there for each other and when the phone rings at 3 am, you are ready to pick it up and just listen while your best friend tells you about the problems he or she is having with the person they are dating. That friend of yours would do it for you as well, so what’s the problem? Oh right. You are in love with your best friend, and would rather your best friend be dating you, but they just don’t notice you in that way.
The entire concept of from friends to lovers plays out a lot in popular media. The idea that your “friend” at some point is just going to wake up one day and realize that you have been there all along is great for selling stories, but it does not work that way in real life.
A number of people that seek out relationship coaches usually already have someone in mind they would like to be with, and it usually is their best friend.
Is it possible to turn a friend into a lover, however that usually requires your friend to go through something major, maybe even traumatic, in order to be able to appreciate you. If your friend is not returning your attraction, or at least your romantic affections, it is likely you are simply not addressing your friend’s particular emotional needs that would cause that person to fall in love with you. Sometimes it takes a real crisis before a person’s emotional needs priorities change. Jane may have to reach a point where her abusive boyfriend almost kills her, before she can be in a position to find her non-violent but non-muscular friend John a sexy suitor. Bill may have to be pummeled through an emotionally and financially draining divorce before he can appreciate his slightly plain-looking friend Betty as the best girlfriend he could possibly have.
Notwithstanding the crisis your friend has to go through in order to see you with eyes of love (or lust, whichever you prefer), the easier way to attract your friend is actually by stopping to be such good friends.
If you friend has ever made it a point to say that they would never date you because they would not want to ruin your friendship…leave and stop being such a good friend. When someone that knows you intimately, but platonically, rejects you, it is probably the nicest insult you will ever get, even though most people do not view that kind of rejection as an insult. It is one thing when someone that you do not know at all rejects you and refuses to date you or take your phone number. No insult there because they do not know you, but when it is someone that knows exactly what a great relationship partner you could be (or at least how great YOU think you are), and they STILL reject you…take it for what it is. It is an insult that should make you want to focus your time on someone that actually wants you romantically.
If you want your old friend to be your newest lover, you have to stop being the emotional cookie comfort. Think of it like how some people need to be comforted, and when they feel that way, they turn to eating cookies. It is not healthy for them, but it makes them feel better in the moment; and then when they are ready to face the world and are no longer in need of that comfort, they don’t particularly appreciate the cookie anymore. Sometimes they even make disparaging remarks about the cookies that were there for them, and how those cookies were good, but not what they REALLY needed.
When you are in love with your best friend, and your best friend uses you for comfort, but does not think you are worthy of being romantically involved with you…YOU ARE BEING AN EMOTIONAL COOKIE.
The BEST way to get a friend to see you as something more than just an emotional cookie is to stop being so available to your friend, and spend your time actively looking to meet someone new for your romantic intentions. This means no more spending your Friday and Saturday nights, and Sunday afternoons (optimal date times) with your friend. No more taking those 3 am phone calls. And most important…START DATING OTHER PEOPLE.
Pledging your time to someone that does not return your affects does not prove your level of loyalty. All it proves is that you have no sense of your own value as a relationship partner. If you cannot demonstrate through your actions that you recognize your value, your friend certainly never will. Keep in mind that continuing to hold out for a friend like that can damage you emotionally, and train you to build attachments to people that treat you as if you are unwanted. People are their repeating behavior patterns.
There is a pretty good chance that once you are too busy with your new partner(s) that your friend might start to wonder if they missed out on something. After all, if someone else desires you, maybe your friend desire should too. And the next time you friend calls you at 3 am, and you do not answer, your friend can wonder if someone else was occupying your time at that particular hour. Hopefully, someone is.
Part of the problem is that your friend does not recognize you as a sexual being and potential sexual partner. The best way to prove you are, is to demonstrate that others recognize it in you…action speaks louder than words, and that is why it does not work to “argue” your friend into dating you, or to settle for you. You deserve to be someone’s first choice, not someone’s back up.
The best part is, once you get used to having a new partner that appreciates you romantically, it is likely that you might stop seeing that best friend of yours as anything more than a past waste of your attention.
I wish you all great love, sex, dating and relationships for the new year! Make it the year of your heart!
FRANK KERMIT MA
EXPERT RELATIONSHIP COACH
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