 Spotting Red Flags In Dating Spotting Red Flags
By Frank Kermit When you are on a date, and the person you are getting to know says or does something that triggers a well-honed instinct that you need to stop dating that person, you have just spotted a RED FLAG. Having the ability to weed out potential problem daters at an early onset is the best we can hope for. Wasting time with the wrong individual hurts everyone involved: you, the wrong individual and your ideal soul mate who does not have the opportunity to date you yet, because your time is taken up by that wrong person. There are two types of red flags. The first is Universal Red Flags, which are general bad signs by nature, which do not depend on the context of your situation. These would include red flags such as your partner needing to get drunk or stoned before being able to commit any act of socialization or intimacy. It has nothing to do with whether or not you have any prejudice regarding drug use for your potential partners. It has to do with the fact that this kind of behavior will tend to get progressively worse over time, as your relationship continues to grow, get more intimate, and garner higher expectations from each other. The second type of red flag to be on the look out for is Personal Red Flags. These are completely context dependent because they are based on your own personal set of boundaries and deal-breakers which you simply will not compromise on. For example, if you are deathly allergic to a particular pet, and the person you are dating practically runs an animal rescue out of their home apartment which specializes in sheltering that kind of pet, then it does not matter what ever else you both connect on, how attracted you are to each other, and how kind you both are individually. The red flag in this dilemma is more than apparent and will eventually crush any future plans. At odds in this particular example are conflicting values: a life's calling to save animals verse a person's need to stay alive. When a red flag is based on a personal boundary, there is no room for compromise. If there is any room for compromise, then by default, it is not even a boundary, and surely not a red flag. In order to be able to spot these kinds of red flags, a person must know what the can and cannot tolerate, and also have the ability to enforce such boundaries. How someone treats animals can be a red flag. It is well document that many serial killers started out torturing and killing animals before they escalated to humans. The way someone treats an animal, may be a sign of how they will treat a vulnerable human being. Personal hypocrisies are another universal red. It is when a person lives with a double standard where they say one thing, but live another. For example, a person may rage against the perils of pornography but yet have their own private porn collection tucked away in a secret stash. Simply put it is an indication that there may be a repeating behavior pattern in place such that you simply cannot trust anything that person says. Shifting boundaries is another universal red flag. When something is unacceptable one day, and more than acceptable the next day, the confusion that this repeating behavior pattern can draw out in relationship will lead to frustration and resentment. This is not about being or not being in the mood for a certain behavior, but more to do with the level of whether or not it is acceptable. For example, let us consider humor. When you have the same basic sense of humor where your partner laughs really hard at a certain kind of joke one day, and tells you how funny it is, but then goes off the handle saying those kinds of jokes are simply not appropriate in any context the very next day with nearly the very same joke: red flag. This could be a sign of a shifting boundary, which unto itself is already a red flag, but it could potentially be a sign for something more serious that would require the competency of a trained psychotherapist. Some universal red flags are easy to spot such as infidelity and violence in past relationships indicating there is a higher chance of it happening to you. Other universal red flags are harder to spot because of certain social norms that make the warning signs acceptable. One such red flag is Gender Bashing. Just because most people are attracted to the opposite gender does not mean that all of those same people LIKE the opposite gender. Misogyny is misogyny, whether veiled in humor or not. Male bashing is still gender hate, even if touted as an entitlement for a history of oppression. If you are dating someone that constantly bashes your gender, it is foolish to think you will be the exception in their lives for the way they interpret you and your gender identity. If every single relationship you have ever had, and every person you have ever dated turned out to be a dud in one sense or another, then it is time to focus on the common element in every single one of those instances: the common element of YOU. It says you have not yet learned to identify red flags early enough to put the breaks on your romantic endeavors with the wrong people. However, it is never to late to start learning today Frank Kermit
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This is a contributed post.  Marriage Contract https://cdn.pixabay.com/photo/2015/02/01/07/58/divorce-619195_960_720.jpg Marriage is never easy. After the honeymoon period ends, it can feel like a battlefield. Keeping the romance alive is hard. Having to consider someone else’s feelings at every turn can be a real challenge. For the most part, that challenge will be worthwhile. Being so connected to someone can be a real reward if you put the effort in to make it work. There comes a time, though, when that effort is too much. All marriages need work, but sometimes it can feel as though the work has replaced the good times. At this point, it might be necessary to say goodbye. Here are some signs that things have gone too far. RESENTMENT If you start resenting each other, it can be hard to get back to a good place. Resentment can kill the best relationship. That resentment can take on many different forms. It may be that you blame your partner for holding you back in life, or maybe you just resent the way they act. You may feel as though your partner has stolen an important part of yourself. Maybe you just resent the fact that you do all the giving in the relationship. Whatever the cause is, there’s no room for a destructive emotion like resentment in a marriage. As soon as resentment creeps in, the blame game will soon follow. These types of emotion can kill any love between you. Divorce is not an easy choice to come to. If resentment has replaced any feelings of love, it may be the only option left. DISTANCE The distance between you and your partner is about more than just physical space. It’s possible to live in the same house as someone, and still feel far from them. Distance can grow in any relationship, and it doesn’t have to mean the end. The larger the gap, the harder it will be to come back from it. A growing distance between the two of you may mean that you are going in opposite directions. If you feel a gap growing, it’s worth sitting your partner down and asking how they feel about it. Communication is a great way to bridge gaps, and if you both agree to make more effort, you may be able to save your love. If the conversation ends in another argument, or nothing seems resolved, it may be time to call it a day. Do you and your partner tell each other about your days? Do you still maintain a physical intimacy? If you are blocking each other out, it may be a sign that distance is growing between you.  resentment https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/af/Unhappy_couple.jpg ARGUMENTS
Arguments happen in any relationship. Love is never a smooth road, and sometimes you’re going to annoy each other. A sign that arguments have gone too far is when they happen on a regular basis. Do you snap at each other every time you speak? Do you stay angry at each other for days? These could be signs that things have gone too far.  Stop Blaming The World That You Are Single Sad Mistakes Singles Make # 1:
Being too Picky in Dating By Frank Kermit Being Too Picky Gets Too Sticky It saddens me greatly when singles self sabotage by being too picky and let their own shallowness and insecurities get in the way. I find this happens even when someone else makes it clear that there is a mutual interest. There are single people, who will resist taking action even when presented with their chance to actually have a date with someone who is interested in him or her, as much as he or she is interested back. Recent examples of this are the results from the very first Speed Dating Montreal event I hosted. Everyone comes in with an open mind...at least those who make it past the door. I was greeted by the number of people who came right up to the door, only to get cold feet and panic, and rush out again, after nothing more than a quick glimpse of the amount of other attendees. There were those that went through the registration process and left before the event actually began including excuses such as "not enough people", and "not enough in my age range". One person who left early sat in his car just outside the event telling late comers he was leaving as there were not enough people in there, perhaps attempting to discourage more adventurous singles from doing what he was too nervous to do? Not sure. However, the wonderful irony of this situation? Within 12 minutes of all those people leaving including the car-town crier who finally sped off, about 10 more people came in and helped to balance out the numbers of attendees. And once the event was over, I noted a couple of people saying they would have liked to choose a particular person for a match up, but were reluctant to do so, for a reason they could not articulate. Finally, when the matches were made, and I contacted the participants, there were at least two that hemmed-and-hawed saying they could not actually go on a date with that person (despite the fact they both agreed to be matched up the night before and even wrote down their interest to confirm it) because they just worried that it would not work out anyways. People get in their own way for one reason. People have a fear of intimacy. When someone is so extremely picky that they get into very solitary situations there is a deeper issue at work. A fear of intimacy is a very sticky substance to douse ones-self in. Once you start along this slippery slope of fear-glue it just gets harder and harder to crack the outer shell that crusts over you, like a cocoon of solitude, that forbids any meaningful connections to penetrate in. There is no honor is being too picky when you are single and lonely. There is no sense in rejecting people interested in dating you because you simply "are not into them". If every person that you are so "into", is not "into" you, that is not you having high standards. That is you finally having an acceptable excuse not to put yourself out on the dating market. It is easier to blame everyone else for not being good enough, when you know the truth is that you just want to reject him or her, before they reject you first. No one likes being rejected. No one likes being hurt. However, the joys associated with being connected with others comes with risks, and if you are not open to the hurt that comes with taking risks, you will also never get to immerse yourself in the passion of a fruitful loving relationship. So before you disqualify someone for being too old, too young, too fat, too thin, too tall, too short, too poor, (funny that no one has ever told me that they are rejecting someone for being too rich) or for any other reason that you can think up on the spot, consider this reality check: If you were already a super-duper prize, then you would not single and lonely. Sorry for the harsh truth, but reality will always slap you when you delude yourself long enough. Better you hear it from me than have life slap you first. Then there are those people that do reverse-pickiness. They self-reject so that they do not have to even try to date people. This is where a person will tarnish their own value and claim that no one would want to date them (even if someone has made the opposite intention clear). Instead of saying that the person he likes is too short, he claims she's too tall. Instead of saying that the person she likes is too young, she claims she is too old. We all have standards. That is OK. But when your standards strand you alone, then your standards, are not standards...they are your enabling beliefs that keep you alone. There is a difference between being single and being alone. Being single is a relationship status, whereas being alone is usually rooted in fear. Which do you want to be? It is up to you to set the example in your life. If you have something you believe works against you in relationships that you cannot nor will not change, then be the educator about how someone needs to feel comfortable with someone like you. The best way to have others accept you, for both your good points and your faults, is to lead by example and accept yourself. So Stop Blaming hook up culture, new technologies, the people who rejected you, the people you CHOSE to date, and society. You are single because of YOU. Wake up and become a commitment-worthy dating candidate if you want a serious commitment. ACT like a person that is worth a serious commitment. Just like any other goal in life, it is about YOU. Sign up for Coaching Now. Frank Kermit  Social Circle Dating Dating In Social Circles
By Frank Kermit Dating can be tricky. Does the other person like you the way you think he or she might? Do you really like that person enough to get more serious, or do you want to keep it more casual as you get to know them more, all the while risking that if you are not serious enough, that person might end up getting serious with someone else in the meantime? Will that person get along with my friends and my existing social circles? Will I get along with that person’s friends and social circles? Navigating these relationship management questions is part of the adventure of dating. Sometimes, these concerns might be too overwhelming for some people, such that, they would prefer to date people that are already part of their existing friend groups and social circles. Intellectually, this would seem easier as the person you are dating is already accustom to the people you like to hang out with, and you already know everyone seemingly gets along. However, when you add romantic dating into the equation of maintaining social circles, it might be worse for you, that person and the entire social circle. When dating someone in your existing social circle of friends, it is usually best to keep your dating between you and the person you are dating and not share details of your intimate meet ups with others in the group. This is especially necessary when you are still only at the beginning stages of dating. When initially dating someone, although it is expected that you both have an initial interest in each other, or at least are open to the possibility that something more could develop, it is also just as likely at this stage, that you might end up going on only a handful of dates and decide it is not meant to be. Depending on where your personal boundaries are with sex and dating, this also may mean that the two of you might even have had sex by the time you decide to end the romantic connection, and just resume a friendship within the social circle. Some people can manage this process very well. Others may have a harder time being friends with someone they have already slept with, that remains in the social circle, especially if that person was the one that wanted to continue dating. What many people do not factor in is that members of the social circle may have their own issues and problems with the people who decide to try and make a go of a romantic relationship. The reasons are various. It could stem from jealousy as there may have been someone in the social circle that had an interest in dating one of the couple, and now feels uneasy with the fact that the target of his or her affection chose someone else (a friend) to date first. Another issue is that there might be someone in the social circle that simply does not have the maturity to handle the idea that two of their friends got together, dated, maybe even had sex, and ended it and that such an involvement is not fodder to be regularly brought up, made fun of, or a challenge to address. By challenge I mean that sometimes, friends within a social circle, whom usually have the best of intentions, will make a mission of getting the former casual couple back together, even if it is against that couple’s wishes. Herein is where the real issues are when dating someone openly at the beginning stages of relationship, within a social circle. There will be people within that same social circle that will feel an obligation to involve themselves in the couple’s personal affairs. This kind of interference is rarely a good way for any couple trying to start the beginning of a potential relationship. If you are thinking of dating someone that is already entrenched in your social circle, then strongly consider keeping the details about your romantic interests to yourself. Do not share your interest with others in the same social circle. If you do manage to get the person you are interested in on a date, do not share those details with the other members of your social circle. When you see the person you are starting to date at a social circle event, do not act like you are dating. Act friendly, but do not hold hands, cuddle, kiss or openly talk about the dates you have had. It may even be necessary to arrive and leave the events separately to avoid suspicion. If you behave correctly, no one in the social circle should have any inclining that the two of you are dating in any capacity, including having seen each other naked. Keep in mind this is a little more difficult than people think. When couples get comfortable with each other, it is only instinctual to let that comfort show in very subtle ways (like standing extra close to each other in public, whereas most people still maintain a certain private bubble even between friends. Part of keeping the initial dating phase quiet is fighting this instinct. If after dating a few times, one or both of the people in the couple decide to stop the romantic nature of their involvement, and wish to remain friends with the social circle intact, it will be easier to stay a part of the social circle. Break ups can split a social circle as members of the circle may start to take sides and get too involved in the private troubles that broke the couple up. Not being too public about the attempt at a more serious relationship beyond friendship is what helps keep a social circle together. On the other hand, if after dating a few times the couple decides they like each other enough to get more serious, then the couple may go public with their relationship and thus inform the social circle of the new relationship status. One of the benefits of this maneuver is that the couple in the relationship will have already formed a foundation for their relationship, such that when members of the social circle try to exhort any influence (again, not necessarily out of malice, but possibly out of good intentions), the influence may end up halted by what the couple has already established as part of their relationship boundaries. One of the consequences is that some members of the social circle might have a bruised ego or hurt feelings that they were not included in the “big secret”. If this is the case, ignore it. Those are the same people who lack maturity that would have made dating openly in a social circle a nightmare.  The Masks You Wear When Dating What Love Masks By Frank Kermit A mentor of mine taught me that love is not blind; it is just that categories are rigid. When you meet someone, you put that person in a category (lover, friend, temptation, fling, does-not-count, creepy, unattainable, out-of-my-league, good-enough-for-now, spouse, soul-mate) because of how that person addresses (or violates) your emotional needs based on your first impressions; and if it turns out that the person actually belongs in a different category, it is more challenging to drop that first impression category. For example, you meet someone, then get wrapped up in the honeymoon phase of the dating experience, you may categorizes that person as the perfect soul-mate, only to find out the harsh reality three months later that the person and you simply have incompatible core values. You and that person should never had more than just an intense private fling. But, -love is blind- so it is likely very challenging to give up on that person who is actually best left as at temporary adventure (fling), despite intellectually knowing better, because of the category they have already been put in (soul-mate). When on a first date with someone, it is generally expected that we are going to be our best self, and not just be yourself. Your best self is a Mask. You are not going to act like your every day self. First dates are a time to put out your best character traits forward. As deceitful as it sounds, it is actually very ethical. You go on that initial outing together to get a feel of what kind of person you are meeting, and for that person to get a feel for you. If you do not put your best self forward on a first date, you are likely killing your chances of getting the beginnings of your relationship off the ground to reach the second date. Using the Mask of your Best Self is no more deceitful than being at your best when going to a job interview. Wearing a Mask in relationships is only unethical, when you LIE to the other person and attempt to pass a false representation of yourself in order to get sex, a relationship, or basically just to get someone to even like you as a friend. Situation comedy productions (TV, movies, and theatre) love to play out this plotline of someone trying to use a Mask of deceit in order to get someone to date them, and usually all have an ending where the truth is learned and the Masked-User is punished, left abandoned and with nothing. The same principle applies when meeting someone new in real life. If you used a lie to get with a person, and assuming the interaction goes on beyond the point of a traveling one night stand, that same lie has the power to tear down everything you have since built up with your partner. We all wear masks. It is not a question of should we, or should we not, wear a Mask when dating. The issue is always the context. How we act at a funeral, is very different from the way we act at a wedding. Each face we exhibit is a Mask. That is not being lying or deceitful...it is about CALIBRATION to the circumstances and environment around you. Whenever you lie, you are hiding behind a Mask, and likely that same Mask will be your undoing. The best way to use your Mask is for the Mask to be a reflection of those parts of your personality that you want to display. On a lighter note, I fondly remember a scene from a Peanut Cartoon entitled, "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown". A number of the characters were together getting dressed to go out trick-or-treating for Halloween. The aggressive character Lucy Van Pelt known as the mean, crabby old sister exclaimed, "A person should always choose a costume which is in direct contrast to her own personality" just as she put on a witches costume. The joke of course is that she did not see herself as a witch, when in all other respects; she was depicted as a mean witch in the show. However funny or inappropriate the joke may be in today's climate, it does shed light on the idea that most peoples first assumptions with Masks, is that Masks are trying to hide a persons true intentions and that the Mask being presented is not an indication of the person behind it. The further irony of the above example is that in the majority of cases, real witches (not the kind that appear in popular media, but the kind of women and men who take part in a variety of healing arts and religious practices) happen to actually be some of the most pleasant people sometimes. Even mean Lucy reveals at the end of the show, how much she actually does care for her younger brother who defied her the entire episode. She wakes up at 4 a.m., concerned that he is not in his bedroom, and fetches him from the cold pumpkin patch where he is shivering and half asleep. She does not scold him. She just brings him home and tucks him into a warm bed. Sometimes, we wear Masks, not to deceive people, but to feel safe and protected, to hide away our insecurities, our fears, and to prevent us from feeling too vulnerable. It is OK to want to feel safe. It is normal and human of us. For the purposes of finding love and connecting with others, the key is not about doing away with Masks. The key is about being just guarded enough that we protect ourselves, while at the same time test the people around us, so that we can share ourselves slowly as the other people earn enough of our trust for us to feel safe in being with them Mask free. I wish you all bountiful loot bags, and may you never have to say that all you got was a rock. Happy Halloween! Frank Kermit  Seductive Halloween Costumes Seductive Halloween Costumes By Frank Kermit I have always loved Halloween. It is likely one of my most favorite days of the year, except for the fact that I do not like being scared, scaring others, nor the celebration of gore and villains that some Halloween celebrations have turned it into. The part that I love about Halloween is the dress up part. I have always seen it as an opportunity to try on a new persona. Whether it was to bring out and possibly exaggerate a hidden part of you that has always existed, or the freedom to try out a persona completely outside your own self, I have always adored Halloween as a means of self-exploration. It is one of the few times people feel safe to do so in public because under the Halloween banner, it is more socially acceptable. Halloween costumes can be anything you want. However, when it comes to dating and relationship coaching, even Halloween costumes can have more intent and meaning attached. For example, if you are going to a Halloween costume party, your choice of costume can very well influence your ability to attract a single person to you, or make a statement about you already being in a relationship. If you are in a newly formed relationship and are ready to make a more public statement about it to your existing social circles, the right pair of costumes may suit you well. For example, if you are in a relationship, you and your partner may want to wear complimentary costumes, so that the message of “we-come-together” is better stated. Couples themed costumes help send the message that you are there to have fun with your partner, but there is no mistaking that the two of you came together, and will leave together. For example, Couples who wear Peanut Butter and Jelly costumes respectively, Partners in Crime Jail Bird Costumes, even a bride and groom costume (get imaginative with the marriage theme). All of them serve to point out that you are one of a pair that come-and-go together. These categories also include going in costume as well known twosomes such as Fred and Wilma Flintstone, Star Trek’s Riker and Troi, and even Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb. If you are single, the best advice I can offer about your choice of costume is to pick something that will meet two criteria. The first is to pick a costume that has a story to it. Nothing more seductive than the ability to tell a story about a peak life experience of yours, or being able to share a part of yourself that is brought up in conversation through your costume. If you were hoping you would get the chance to talk about your last skydiving jump, or scaling a dangerous cliff, then costumes of skydivers and rock climbers are just the ticket. If you were hoping to let a potential partner know how much you believe in magical love connections, maybe a costume of a wizard may be in order to help you cast your spell of attraction. These also include costumes of romantic figures such as Zorro, various superheroes, and professions of doctors, nurses, police officers, fire fighters and other fantasy fueling costumes. If there is any sort of stereotypical fantasy role-playing involved, these costumes may bring you some attention that you can capitalize on to meet other singles seeking the same. The second is to pick a costume that allows for more intimate interactions, just in case you do happen to meet someone you really like and want to get closer to that night. To put it more bluntly, if you are single and seeking to select the right costume, pick something that you could easily initiate and take part in a make-out session. If you have to remove your mask just to be able to kiss, it is not a seductive costume. Frank Kermit  Credibility Creates Commitment Credibility Creates Commitment By Frank Kermit When someone comes to me for coaching to figure out why they are still single despite being able to attract a number of partners to date, I start coaching them with an assessment of what happens on those dates to look for actions and behaviors that may be turning off potential life partners. Most people are often unaware of the things they may be doing or saying that causes the other person to halt any potential commitment. One of the behaviors that I often spot is how a person lacks credibility in the way they communicate, which I believe to be a source of why they may be able to attract a lot of dates, but none of them turn into a serious commitment. Although there are people who are commitment-phobic (who self sabotage a potential serious relationship because of a deep rooted fear that a committed relationship is related to more pain than it would bring pleasure), this is not always the case when dealing with people that WANT a serious commitment and associate being single with being in pain. An easy way to summarize a lack of credibility is whether or not someone is caught breaking his or her own rules. It does not matter what your rules are per se; what matters is if you break your own rules. For example: If you mention that family values are important to you, but you are caught trying to get out of a parent-teacher meeting, you lack credibility. In the mind of your date, if family values were as important to you as you claimed you would be willing to attend the parent-teacher meetings regardless if it means having to attend with your ex, because it is about your kids (your family). You lack credibility. If you mention that you do not like seafood on a date, because you sense that your date does not like seafood and you want your date to like you, but you are caught ordering seafood at a later time because you forgot what you said that first meeting, you lack credibility. In the mind of your date, if you are willing to lie about something small because you wanted to be liked, then you likely will lie about something big down the road to avoid the possible conflicts it would bring. You lack credibility. If you mention on a date that you do not have sex unless in a committed relationship, and then proceed to have sex with the person you are seeing before any serious commitment has been established because it felt right, you lack credibility. In the mind of your date, if you are willing to go break your rules just because you felt like it in the moment, how is your date suppose to trust any promise you make, if there is a chance you will break your promises because of the way you may feel in the moment. You lack credibility. It is not the facts that you would rather avoid dealing with an ex, ordered the halibut, or had sex sooner than later because it felt right. What you are being judged on is that you said one thing (your rules) and did another thing (your actions). This lack of congruence is what are scaring people away from getting serious with you. Think of it this way. A serious relationship can be a risky endeavor. A person may risk their children (having an unfit step parent can affect custody not to mention the safety of the children), their resources (what people lose in a divorce), their financial credit (sharing of debt repayment), even their very way of life (image the ways of losing your profession because you made a bad partner choice). So if someone is looking to find a person to make a commitment too, that commit must be earned. Lacking credibility because of the way you break your own rules destroys the desire to commit. Credibility-Creates-Commitment.  Confidence is a skill that can be learned Use the Power of Hypnosis to Exude Confidence on Your Next Date by Ariel Sherker Arielhypnosis.ca When it comes to dating, I will have to admit that I am not an expert on the topic. I am however an expert on the topic of confidence, a tool that can get you far in the world of dating and anywhere else you choose to use it. Confidence is a skill that can be learnt and hypnosis can speed up the process and fast track you on the path of successful dating. Hypnosis is based upon the power of a suggestion and the strongest suggestions are those that we give to ourselves. When it comes to hypnosis for confidence, the subject in a trance state goes through a journey of planting the seed of confidence deep within their subconscious mind. Like all seeds, this one too needs to be nurtured to grow. Positive action combined with self awareness becomes the vital nourishment that will generate a deeper feeling of confidence. In fact what it comes down to is that confidence builds more confidence and our job is to recognize our own abilities and then watch them grow. Next time you are on a date, consider the following actions that will boost your level of confidence:
Hopefully there is a mutual interest in knowing more about this person and another date will follow. If not, no worries because you have gathered experience and have nourished your seed of confidence either way. As in all learning, the more we practice the better we get. Ariel Sherker is a highly trained and a certified hypnotist with the National Guild of Hypnotists, a certified instructor of hypnosis as well as a motivational speaker. She has explored the globe mastering the art of Holistic Health, Nutrition and Mind/Body Medicine. She uses hypnosis to guide clients onto a path of success and help them to develop their mind with the aspiration to simplify their journey of great achievements. Arielhypnosis.ca  coming out of the closet Revealing the Secret of Your Sexual Orientation By Frank Kermit I recently watched a YouTube video that one of my colleagues sent me, as an example of what may happen to a young adult (even a teenager) who publicly declares to his or her family, their homosexual sexual orientation. As I told my colleague, it saddens me that such intolerance still exists, and that violence can occur within a family structure. However, this is nothing new. Probably, what is likely the worst element of that video is that it seems to imply (at least to me) that the young man in this video was led to believe he could trust his stepmother with his secret and she fed him a false sense of support, only for her to refuse to support him when he came out to the rest of his family. The young man in the video was living with his grandparents, and when they disowned him and told him to move out, the young man asked to live with his step-mom and dad, and they also refused him. By the end of the video the young man is physically attacked by his step-mom and verbally insulted by his own father. It is very sad indeed. In my practice, I sometimes deal with adults who are still learning about their sexual orientation. Some are questioning if they are straight or gay. Some are not interested in choosing sides as they are attracted to both genders and come to see me about figuring out what kind of relationship they can structure with a long term partner and what is realistically possible. Still others find they are attracted to all genders, transgender individuals, and even some fetish sexual practices (they may occasionally refer to themselves as pansexual). When the question comes up, as to how out these individuals should be about their evolving sexuality the answer I give tends to be along the lines of balancing what you think you may get from it, and what it is going to cost you. In a perfect world, everyone would be able to be completely open about their views, about their ideas, and about their sexual orientations without any fear of consequences or repercussions. However, it is not a perfect world, and depending on where you live, and whom you may take a chance in trusting, it could also be a very dangerous world. So if you are in a position where you want to share a secret of yours to the world, and you cannot predict how others may react to you, here are some tips to keep in mind. First, you are under no obligation to ever reveal a truth about yourself if you will be on the receiving end of violence or abandonment that could lead to your life being threatened. If you are living with people that may kick you out into homelessness, and you have no means of living independently, then do not reveal your secret. If you have nowhere to go, or if you are going to be attacked and left on the street to fend for yourself, then wait until the time comes when you are independent enough that even if you lose people in your life, your basic survival will not be threatened. Second, although fully accepting yourself is part of a healing process, and loving yourself despite others intolerance and disapproval is a must for your own balanced emotional well being, that does not mean you have to put yourself in any position where you will be harassed or victimized all in the name of self-love. Part of self-love is about never putting yourself in harms way. There are times when publicly announcing self-acceptance cannot be held off until you are free from oppression, but it is always important to pick and choose those battles. Use good judgment about when that time is. If you have any doubt about how the people around you would react to your outing yourself, hold off for now. There will come a time in the future when it will be safe for you to express yourself. Until then, stay safe, and work towards the day that you will never have to be dependent for your survival on people who would just as easily abandon you, for you being true to yourself.  positive thinking law of attraction tips Grateful To Positive, Positive To Attractive By Frank Kermit Thanksgiving is here! It is a time for people to be grateful for everything they have, even if they do not have everything they need or want. With that said, the practice of being grateful for what we already have is also a wonderful tool for being attractive enough to attract the kinds of people you would like to date and have more serious relationships with. On its own accord, the process of being grateful helps individuals break the process of taking things for granted. This is an excellent way to get into a good habit, so that you never end up potentially taking people (like the individuals you date and get more seriously involved with) for granted either. Coaching people about being grateful has its challenges. Then again, I am grateful for the opportunity to coach people, and I am grateful for everything that coaching others has taught me, and grateful that I get to share my knowledge with you dear reader. One of the challenges is that some people see gratefulness as a reason not to pursue or want more. Being grateful for what you already have is not supposed to be a deterrent from going after more of what you want. Just because you are grateful that you are living in an apartment and not living on the street does not (nor should not) make you give up your ambitions of owning a home instead of renting an apartment. When being grateful is used as a means to kill ambition, it is likely not gratefulness that someone is practicing, but potential self-sabotage. The point of practicing gratefulness is to engage a positive state of mind. By eliminating any negative thoughts and feelings surrounding all the things you feel you do not have yet, or never got to experience, it forces you to shift your focus and energy to more positive efforts of aiming to achieve all the goals you have still set for yourself. When negative thoughts and emotions are permitted to fester, they inevitably taint your focus to the point where, you will only be able to filter in even more negativity, and filter out all the potentially positive elements that could enter into your life. This applies to love as well. If you only focus on the hurt, heartbreak and hell of your past history, you will not be open to the possible potentially pleasing partners presenting opportunity for pairing up. If you struggle to be positive about love, focus instead on being grateful for everything, including the lessons you learned from the bad experiences. You may not be grateful for the bad things that have happened to you, but it can be easier to accept them and move on, when you focus your attention on being grateful for all the lessons you learned from your past, as a means not to repeat the same mistakes (and thus avoid the same consequences) again. If you give in to gratefulness living, that practice of gratefulness leads to a more positive emotional and mental state, and that will allow you to build attraction to bring in more positive people of love into your life. Frank Kermit  Dating is no place for a coward It is just ONE Date by Frank Kermit Something in coaching, I encounter a number of people that got in their own way I am talking about those people who got a match with someone they wanted to date who wanted to date them back... and then the person... REFUSED TO GO ON ONE DATE Really? Yes, really! Biggest reason listed was they were afraid it would not work out and that they would eventually get REJECTED. Really? Yes, really! It is so frustrating when you have two people that have already admitted they want to see each other again, and one of them chickens out. The world of dating is no place for a coward. Discovering a mutual connection and not even giving it one date is simply cruel. You owe it to the people who put in the work but still that struggle to date. You owe it to the other person. You owe it to yourself to take a chance and risk a rejection to find the love of your life. So, when you match up with someone, just go on one date, whether you are afraid or not. Just get out there and GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY This article is an excerpt from the Ebook The Frank Guide To Speed Dating -Frank Kermit  Juicing for Dating for Men Juicing and Dating for Men by Olivier Langlois Picture this: You invite your sweetheart for a romantic evening at your place. You put some romantic music. You adjust the lights. Everything is going to amazing and you start to anticipate the beautiful moment that you are going to share together. Maybe you even start to feel your heart pounding with excitement. You know what is it that would surprise your sexy girlfriend and put some spices in this magical evening? Some exotic and aphrodisiac fruit juice that will enhance the physical sensations of both of you during your lovemaking session and I happen to know few recipes in that area. Who am I to have such knowledge? I have written 4 juicing recipe books to improve several aspects of men sexual health from low testosterone to erectile dysfunction. I write a weekly newsletter to provide juicing and general health advice for men to my members and I also have a very nice YouTube channel where I have a lot of fun sharing wisdom with my viewers on the topic of juicing. Surprisingly, juices that can help increase sexual pleasure for men. The results are so powerful. Now that you have been warned, if you want to have a very hot evening with your girl continue to read on... I'm going to assume that the majority of guys that will be ready this have little or no experience with juicing so I am going to share in this post a recipe that is very simple and at the same time very potent. The main ingredient is ginger. Ginger is a powerful aphrodisiac that has been used for centuries. One of the reasons for this, it is that it improves blood flow and improved blood flow in the genital area will: Improve erections and make them harder Increase sensations in genitals ultimately, amplify orgasms Here is the Pear Ginger juice: Ingredients: 5g of fresh ginger (5 thin slices) 1 pear 6 red grapes The pear contains some vitamin B which contributes to testosterone production. The red grape, the pear and the fresh ginger contain a lot of antioxidants helping the body to eliminate toxins. Directions: Put all the ingredients into a blender with a cup of water. Blend of 30 seconds. Strain the juice with a strainer if a clear juice is desired. You can see me doing this juice on Youtube at: and here is another more recent aphrodisiac juice that I created more recently: sex enhancing pokemon juice: Have fun and let me how your romantic juicing experiences went... -Olivier Langlois http://olivierhealthtips.com/ This is a contributed post. Some people seem to have all the bad luck with relationships. The same terrible things seem to happen again and again, and they end in the same ways. For some, it really is just a run of bad luck. But what if it's not just a coincidence that things keep going wrong? If you keep repeating the same patterns, perhaps it's time to take a harder look. You need to examine the people you choose, and the reasons they choose you. You should consider the ways you behave when you're in a relationship. Think about the patterns of behavior that you and your partners always seem to get into. These can be the best ways to break the cycle of bad relationships and change things once and for all.  https://pixabay.com/en/pair-love-human-romance-happy-418697/ Date at the Beach Examine the People You Choose Have you found that you keep ending up with the same types of people, who do the same things wrong? Each time you start a new relationship, you think "this one is different". They seem kind, fun and interesting, and they seem to care about you. But inevitably, the relationship creeps into arguing, manipulation, cheating or something else. A lot of people come out of these relationships thinking "what's wrong with me?". But that's not exactly the best way to approach it. Don't convince yourself that there's something fundamentally wrong with you. You're not incapable of choosing a good partner. You need to consider how you pick your romantic partners. Where do you find them, and what attracts you to them? As well as thinking about that, you should also consider what they find attractive about you. For example, when you meet someone you like, do you immediately feel attached to them? Do you feel like you already have strong feelings for them and want to jump with both feet into a relationship? Not only could this be a mistake on your part, but it could signal that you're easily taken advantage of. Everyone who wants to break out of unhealthy relationship patterns needs to look at how and why they choose their partners. If you're unsure where to start, ask a trusted friend. You can even see a therapist for their honest opinion of where you're going wrong. Sites like allwomenstalk.com can help you recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship. Look at Your Own Behaviors It's important to look out how you behave, both when looking for a relationship and when you're in one. What could you be doing that leads to the same patterns and events occurring every time? Many people find that they are sabotaging their relationships without realizing it. Unfortunately, it can take a long time to work out where you're going wrong. Some people take years or never manage to realize what they're doing. There could be many things you're doing wrong. Are you too quick to start fights, reluctant to open up, or too easily jealous? You don't have to change your personality, but you may need to rethink some of your behaviors.  https://pixabay.com/en/yoga-silhouette-woman-relaxation-544970/ Stretch Yourself Work on Yourself Before you can be in a healthy relationship, you need to know yourself. You can find advice about caring for yourself before getting back with your ex on Charice's blog ExBackExpertise.com. Whether you want to get back with someone you love or begin a new relationship, you need to be comfortable with yourself first. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to single for a while. If you think you're a serial monogamist, it could be time for a break. Try setting a time-frame for not having a romantic relationship. Give yourself six months to be on your own, but don't think about it as being lonely. Use the time to spend time with your friends, as well as spend time on your own. Do things for yourself and work out who you are. Some people find that they pick up the likes and dislikes of their partners. But when they're on their own, they're not sure who they really are. Work Out What You Want and Where to Find It It's important to know what you want from a relationship and how to get it. Choosing the right partners and working out if you're right for each other is important. You need to consider how you want your relationship to make you feel. The practical things are also important, such as marriage and children. However, what do you see your partner doing by your side? Making you laugh, traveling with you, or providing a companion through tough times? When you know what you want, knowing where to look is important too. If you're looking for a serious relationship, Tinder might not by the place to find it.  https://pixabay.com/en/sunset-kiss-couple-love-romance-691995/ first kiss Adjust Your Expectations
Sometimes you might experience the same relationship patterns because your expectations are too high. You can't enter into a relationship thinking that it's going to be perfect or won't require any work. Perhaps you bail at the first sign of an argument. Or you feel disappointed that your partner doesn't seem to be as madly in love as you. Adjusting your expectations is important, and ties into what you're looking for. Many people fall into bad relationships because what they're looking for is love. They don't care enough about who the love comes from. Perhaps they're also looking for marriage. But neither love or marriage are people. They are what happens when you find the right person. You need to think of them as byproducts, not goals. Improve Your Communication Communication can be the downfall of many relationships. Sometimes the problem is that you have different communication styles. Maybe you need time to think about something before discussing it. Meanwhile, your partner wants to hash it out on the spot. Perhaps you prefer to show you care through words, while they do it through actions. Being able to communicate effectively with your partner is essential. Of course, communication is a two-way street, so they need to meet you in the middle. Go into your next relationship with a willingness to communicate more openly and with more patience. If you want to break a cycle of bad relationships, you need to examine yourself. The choices you make affect the outcome of your relationship.  Make your love life a priority Make Having a Love Life a Priority
by Frank Kermit For whatever reason, losing your virginity has not been your priority. How do I know? You are still a virgin. Believe it or not, that is one of the biggest differences between men who lost their virginity before you did. Sure, some of them just got lucky and found a girl that liked them back, and some of them just took a chance and went for it and it just happened. But that did not happen for you. And since it did not happen for you, that means that you are just going to have to work harder than the other guys. That means you have to make it a goal. Once you make it a goal to lose your virginity, it becomes a priority in your life. And that is a GOOD thing. As you read in the AMV Handbook, or listened to the audio seminar, I made it a goal after I was humiliated publicly when I was outed as a virgin. I was unhappy being a virgin. And as soon as it became a concrete goal, it helped motivate me to take actions so that I would put myself in situations so that I could focus my TIME and ATTENTION on the things that I thought would help me most. When something is a PRIORITY in your life, you put everything else that is NOT a priority aside, so that you can dedicate yourself to reaching that goal. And Yes, losing your virginity is an acceptable goal to have. It is OK to finally lose your virginity.  Creating Chemistry Looks vs Personality: Creating Chemistry By Frank Kermit A question that comes up to me in coaching often is what do you do when you find someone's personality very interesting, even attractive, but you really are not into that person's looks. The answer is one that no one wants to hear. If you are single, date that person anyways and see if chemistry develops over the time of a few dates Sometimes, you have to kiss that person goodnight in order to get the fireworks to initially spark. When you meet someone in speed dating, and that person has enough spark just from personality that makes you think MAYBE, Just say YES Take the chance, and go for the match. You never know...that person might even reject you!!! It would be good to know to help you keep that ego of yours in check. Bottom line is that you are single! Maybe you are single because you are way too picky Maybe your standards are too high for what you can attract But you are single. Give that person a chance. You only have everything to gain. This article is an excerpt from The Frank Guide To Speed Dating program  you are still single because of the choices you make Single in September By Frank Kermit It's the most wonderful time of the year. End of summer, back to school, and vacation period is basically over for most people. All that means one thing. It is one of the best times to be single for taking action to meet someone special. This is it. The meet and greet season has started. Fresh off the blast of summer loving when all summer romances must come to an end, and people have to tune in once again to their regularly scheduled life programming. Back to school, means back to the grind of routine, and this is when people are new, fresh, rejuvenated from time off and sunny weather, and are in the best head space to meet a new friendly face. The signs of autumn have started-a-coming, when retail stores start putting out the Halloween decorations. That signals just one thing: WINTER IS COMING TOO! It is time to start now, to seek out new life, and that new warm human body that is going to enjoy cuddling you by a delightful fire, while the weather outside turns frightful. If you are still single, there is always some place to go, to meet new people, cause you never know. So you better not pout, and you better not cry if you end up singing single 'cause you're bumming about town. Tis' the season to be finding, a warm cup of your own special something. Stop, with your games of love, and get serious. Chances are, you are single because of the choices you made leading up to this moment. All those people you were interested in, but did not ask out. All those potential partners who liked you, but you turned down worrying about what others would think. All your "rules" and "standards" that (really serve no purpose to finding someone who treats you amazing) just get in the way because they are simply not realistic. If you continue to make those same choices, then chances are, again, that you will continue to be single, and continue to make it more difficult for anyone to join you for an unforgettable duet. This could be the BEST time of the year to meet someone new. But it takes ACTION on your part to get out there, and make yourself available. Well, OK, maybe it is not the BEST time of the year to meet someone new right now. Song lyrics and catchy pop culture phrases can grease the wheels of the coming holiday spirit, and inspire some people from the cold-hearted wonderland of our lives. And the fact is, every day (including TODAY) is a good day to die and go to heaven (FIGURATIVELY PLEASE!) by meeting someone special, and every season has just as much opportunity to find someone new, and every night time is the right time to be with somebody you love. It is ALWAYS the BEST TIME to meet someone new. Today IS THAT the day. Seize it and make it yours. Take the chance! Now is the moment. Go on and kiss the world of dating and end your reign in the valley of Singledom. Frank Kermit Nice Guy Dating Podcast is a podcast and web show that will help YOU start finishing first with women. It features the most inspiring and successful experts in the field of personal development, mixed with rants from Kevin Alexander about his personal journey through dating, answers to some of your most pressing questions, and even success stories from guys just like YOU on Nice Guy Nation. Produced and Hosted by Kevin Alexander Save Her From a Jerk Published on Jul 2, 2016, E236: Save Her From Jerks with Frank Kermit Here are some things you’ll discover in this show: What inspired Frank to turn his life around from not being good with women to having the kind of life he wants to live Why Frank chose to change his life rather than other options that he took before How Frank started interviewing the people who appeared to have a great love life and what he learned Why Frank learned the art of knowing what you want and going out to get it What makes a guy a jerk, and why some girls may be attracted to them What it might mean when you want to save a girl from a jerk, and it’s not what you think Why some women will leave a relationship just out of boredom What you can do to steal a girl away from a jerk  life is not a fairytale Originally published July 29, 2016, updated April 20, 2018 Life is Not a Fairytale by Frank Kermit You are not a helpless, beautiful princess in peril needing to be saved because of how pretty you are, nor a handsome prince who is also a knight setting out to rescue someone as a means of earning true love. You have a lot more power and control over your own destiny than you were raised to believe you had. Believing in fairy tales may have been acceptable when we were children, but it is destructive to base decisions made for your adult love life on what fairy tales taught you. The first thing is you do not need anyone to save you from a life of loneliness or from ending up with the wrong person. You have the power (and dare I say the obligation) to save yourself. Want to be rescued from poverty? Earn your own money and build your own wealth. Want to get out of a bad living situation? Make whatever sacrifice to get yourself educated or knowledgeable enough to get yourself out of there. Want to make sure that you do not end up alone? Be proactive in meeting new people and become the kind of person that others would want to date. Stop waiting for someone to come along to find you. You go find that someone first. The second thing is instead of looking for a life partner that you would need to save first, you should be seeking someone that can be a contributing partner to help you build the future you both agree on. You are lovable without having to save someone from him-or-herself in order to earn love. In fact, even if you do save someone, you may earn their gratitude, and you may earn their appreciation, but you did not automatically earn that person’s love. Demanding someone love you just because you saved the person (from themselves or from someone else) does not guarantee love. It never has regardless of what fairy tales imply. Stop trying to "hero" your way to love. And the scariest part about this life lesson for your love life? The realization that there is no guarantee of a happily ever after, even when you meet someone wonderfully suited to you. Life is a series of struggles, and ups and downs. Even when you find that magical connection and sustainable relationship, you are still dealing with two flawed human beings that will have to contend with everything nasty life has to throw at you both. From friends and family who refuse to accept or acknowledge your love, to dealing with the death of loved ones, personal sickness, challenges as parents, broken trusts, financial concerns and other elements too numerous to mention all of which can send even the strongest couples into the negative portion of divorce statistics. Singles who are caught up on having: -the perfect date, -the perfect fantasy romance, -the perfect fantasy wedding, and -the perfect family life will more than likely end up perfectly single. Life is not perfect, and neither are you. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you will be ready for a real relationship. -Frank Kermit
 19 dating experts to be interviewed for a new Internet television program entitled The Men's Room produced by LifeForce TV and hosted by Mark Sparks. Men's Room Seminar - Frank Storytelling For Dates Date: August 26, 2010, Title: Men's Room Webinar - Frank Kermit and Mike Dawson Frank Kermit is a guest on the Men's Room Webinar. Kermit, joins producer Mike Dawson and they talk about Frank Storytelling. Men's Room Seminar - Building a Persona (Inner Game) Date: July 29, 2010, Title: Men's Room Webinar - Frank Kermit, Mark Sparks, Mike Dawson Frank Kermit is a guest on the Men's Room Webinar. Kermit, joins Mark Sparks and Mike Dawson and they talk about building a persona and modeling new beliefs and behaviors to integrate into your personality. Mens Room Season 2 - The Emotional Needs of Men Date: March, 2010, Title: Men's Room TV Season 2Frank Kermit is recorded for two full episodes in Season 2 of The Men's Room. In this episode Frank talks about The Emotional Needs of Men. What’s covered in this interview: -What the purpose of qualifying a women is and how to do it -Setting up categories of women based on what you want -How specific criteria can lead to easy conversation topics -What value matching is and how it’s a fast way to figure out in a woman is worth your time -The 10 emotional needs of men and how being aware of them can save your relationships -How to know yourself before you begin qualifying others -The distinction of how men and women see sex as it relates to their emotional needs -How to experiment sexually if you’re not sure what you like in bed -What the most dangerous emotional need is -The two principals that creating attraction is based on -The frustration circle and how to avoid it in your own life -The ‘friend zone’ and how it’s actually a sign of disrespect towards you -The number one rule of a monogamous relationship -Becoming aware of how your mother raised you and how it’s impacting your relationships -The red flags that women can display that you should be aware of Men's Room Season 2 - Great First Dates What’s covered in this interview: -How to be your best self on the first date -A great technique to show off your best features that will build a connection with her -What your first date absolutely HAS to have -Rules for success on a first date -What to make sure you avoid on a first date to ensure she’ll see you again -Great conversation topics that she’ll remember you by -How to make one date feel like multiple dates so you can build comfort faster -Being aware of setting precedents on first dates -How to qualify a women to determine whether or not you want a first date with her -Frank’s thoughts about kissing on a first date – it may surprise you -The Eskimo kiss technique -Observing the sexual dynamic on a first date and how to navigate it -The rules of dating as a teenager vs dating as an adult and how things change -Your obligation on a first date, and how to make sure she knows you’re interested in her -The killer line to give her if she’s trying to put you in the friend zone -Sex and the first date, and whether you should be aiming for it or not -What the last location on a first date must have -Thing you should have in your home for seduction -Eliciting states in her to bring up powerful emotions of seduction -How to get rid of the stigma of taking her to your place on the first date -A fun game to play on your first date that can spark hours of conversation -A game you can play while speed dating that will allow you to get to know her very fast -Pulling out her hot words that you can use back on her later -The 3 million dollar question to discover her priorities Men's Room Season 1 on DVD! Now you can get the first season of the Men's Room on DVD. The 4-Disc set features all 20 episodes of the show including three never before seen bonus features, including: 1) A candid conversation with Mark Sparks about the making of the show and some inside information of what he learned through the process. 2) A 25 minute unreleased interview with sex expert Josey Vogels on the value of sex and communication in a relationship. 3) A montage of deleted clips from the first season including stories from Frank Kermit that didn't make the first cut. Frank Kermit is the ONLY guest to appear in two full episodes of Season I of the Men's Rooms Series. And they STILL had enough footage left over to include Frank in the bonus section of the DVD.  Men's Room Season 1 Episode 20 - Deep Inner Game February 18, 2009. Episode #20, Final Episode of Season 1. Frank Kermit returns to the Men's Room with some advanced inner games tips. Frank Kermit defines the term "inner game", how to get a woman to stick around if you like her, working backwards to find out what you want in life, teaches both men and women why they each are the prize through powerful beliefs you should hold about yourself, what 'creative avoidance' is and how to redirect your focus, creating new behaviors for yourself that produce positive results, how a behavior turns into a belief, how belief turns into a instinct, how to control your fear, and how to break your negative patterns. Frank Kermit also covers the biggest difference between a guy with his inner game together and a guy without. This episode covers topics from his book I'm a Man, That's My Job. Men's Room Season 1, Episode 2 - Why Women Test (Emotional Needs) Broadcast: October 8th 2008. Episode #2, Frank Kermit talks about some of the experiences he went through during his development with how he went from loser to seducer. Why women test men and how men can deal with them. Why it's important to find high quality women and keep them and what woman's 10 emotional needs are and how to satisfy them. This interview covers topics presented in Frank Kermit's books From Loser to Seducer and Everything Out Of Her Mouth is a Test. Date: November 30th, 2010, Title: TDC Radio Show Frank Kermit is the first ever guest on TDC Radio interview series. This series is hosted by Evan D. Frank and Evan D. of OnlineSeductionSecrets.com talk about Inner Game.  how to make someone tell you the truth Handling The Truth About Relationships Is All About Handling The Truth About Human Beings By Frank Kermit Originally published July 19, 2018, updated April 20, 2018 When someone asks to learn the single most important thing that I can think of that would ensure they have the best chance of making long term relationships succeed, time and again, when going through the practice of relationship coaching, that single most important element that keeps coming up is: A Persons Ability To Handle Truth. The willingness to listen to the truth about your relationship situation and handling the truth in a mature and reasonable manner can be the key difference between a long term marriage-‘til-death-do-you-part or a quickie-divorce. It is that key. Frank's Rule of Honesty is that people will only tend to be as honest with you as much as you give the image of what you can handle. If you present yourself as someone that will not be able to handle the truth, or you have a reputation of freaking out when you hear a truth that you do not like, it is pretty well guaranteed that you have taught the people around you that it is in their best interest, and yours, for them to lie to you when they can. During my own personal development, something that I learned when I wanted to encourage honesty from others is that I taught myself how to handle truth. Meaning, that regardless of how bad the news, I would hold off acting on any emotion until I could be alone later. So when I get told really shocking news, I do withdraw, but I do not act out and explode. This has been KEY in getting people to talk to me with their truths. I don't promise not to get mad, I just promise not to act on that anger right away. I control the behavior, not the emotion. It has strengthened my connections with others. Succeeding at making long term relationships work can depend greatly on being the kind of person that people felt they could be completely honest about regarding their secrets, their vulnerabilities and their sexual histories. If you can make people feel that safe with you, then you will always be in a position to know the truth of your relationship situation, and that is what puts you in control of being able to manage your relationships, and the potential threats to it. You can never allow yourself to be in the position to fear truth. When it comes to the truth about your relationship, you simply must learn to handle things that you likely would rather not want to hear. For example, a truth in relationships that most people would rather not acknowledge is that even if you are happily involved with someone in a serious and exclusive relationship, you are STILL going to be attracted to other people. It has NOTHING to do with how much the partners love each other. It has nothing to do with how the partners treat one another. It only has to do with basic sexual orientation. If a person had the capacity to feel attracted to and/or fall in love with a human being once, they will likely do so again and again, no matter what they have committed too. To be clear, we are talking about how you do not control how you feel (attraction for another person that is not your partner) which is a completely separate issue from acting on that attraction if you have made a commitment not to act on them. Now, let’s take that example and see what is the real dangerous. Some people feel that expressing to your partner that you are attracted to another person is a direct threat to that relationship. Actually, it is not. It is just a truth about your relationship. The FEAR of expressing yourself to your partner, or the fear of your partner expressing a truth to you, is the real threat to your relationship. It is those couples that understand that knowing the truth, no matter how much it can ding the ego, is always the best means of helping to preserve the relationship, that have the best chance of lasting through the rough times together. Relationship Skills Mastery, at its core, is the embracement of the full truth about your partner and yourself. Relationships based on intellectual constructs and ideals, which prevent couples from being completely honest with each other about how they are feeling, is the real danger. It is in those omissions of truth that the cracks in the foundations of the trust that is the basis of a relationship may start the tower of love to crumble. Although many people claim they want a partner who will be honest, a number of those same people simply cannot handle a partner being honest. (How often do you actually tell a partner if that outfit makes them look fat?). Don't ask for the truth if you cannot handle it. If you really want honesty, be strong enough to take it. This is the real world. There is no having it both ways. If you ask for honesty but you react out of control, like you cannot handle honesty well, you are going to train everyone to start lying to you. Sorry, but you need to keep things in perspective. If you are losing yourself in your rage, you will destroy everything you love. Frank Kermit
 choosing the right partner Choosing The Right Partner Is 50% of Your Relationship Success Originally published July 18, 2016, updated April 20, 2018 By Frank Kermit Even at your best, you are still only 50% of the relationship. That means that no matter how great a person you are, and no matter how amazing your relationship skills are, you are still only 50% responsible for the relationship success you have. However, when I coach singles and couples, who claim that the other person must then make up the other 50%, I correct them and tell them that it isn’t necessarily the other person that guarantees relationship success…it is if the first person’s ability to chose the right partner for them. Confused yet? Yeah, me too sometimes (and I am the one that came up with these original theories!) Sometimes people assume that if they just “become better”, or work harder on themselves, or become more attractive, that everything in their current relationships will work out. Although this could make some sense depending on the context it is important to understand that no amount of self-help, new social skills, or personal development will ever adequately make up for a relationship partner that is not the right partner for you. For example, let’s say that you are a stanch monogamist, and your partner constantly commits acts of lying and infidelity. The solution to such a fundamental problem is not about the first person become “better”, more understanding, or learning advanced relationship skills in order to fix the relationship by trying to make up for the lack of relational commitment by the other partner. The only solution to that dynamic is for the first person to end the relationship and choose a new future partner that is compatible with your boundaries and emotional needs. We do not choose who we love. However, we do choose who we date and form intimacy with. You will feel a variety of attraction, attachment and emotions for different people in your life. That does not mean that just because you feel “something” that you necessarily have to commit to someone that is not right for you nor even act in a manner that keeps you going back to your ex partner. By the same token, if you have a challenge with feeling anything for someone that would be great for you, that is not a sign that your potential ideal partner is wrong for you…as much as it is likely a sign that you need to re-tweak your own “attraction mechanism”. If the only people that you are turned on by to date are people that you cannot form an emotionally healthy relationship with that is your red flag; a sign that you need to work on the source of why you end up only seeking out people that you cannot build a future with. If you are the type of person that continually learns new communication skills, reads every relationship book that comes out, buys the latest better-sex product, and study the topic of love to no end…but you do not cultivate your capacity to choose your realistic potential life partner, then your eventual relationship success will be zero. The best relationship skills with the wrong partner will never be better than basic average relationship skills with the right partner. Frank Kermit
 How Attraction Works The Attraction Theory Originally published July 18, 2018, updated April 20, 2018 By Frank Kermit There is an attraction theory that states, "How you do one thing, is representative of how you do all other things." Although this particular theory is not realistic and cannot be applied across the board in any tangible and measureable way, it does have some merit when it comes to the Emotional Interpretations. Basically, the theory claims that if you are looking for signs as to what kind of partner someone would be for you in a relationship, look at how a person conducts him or her self, to give you an idea, of what kind of partner someone would make. On some level, this does make sense, as people generally are their repeating behavior patterns. Someone whose repeating behavior pattern is to lie, lie and lie some more, may be very incapable of being honest with anyone, including the people he or she dates. On the other hand, the theory that how you do one thing represents how you do all things is not correct when it comes to all things. How someone acts in one context may be very specific to that context. Just because someone puts in the time to take care of her health, does not mean she will put time into taking care of her family connections. Just because someone makes the extra effort at his job, does not mean they will be able to put in that same effort in managing his own business. In both those examples, there could be extraneous circumstances to explain how one behavior does not represent a predictable behavior in another context. For example, the woman in the above example may be overly preoccupied with her appearance such that she focuses on her own health and beauty, and does not focus on the emotional fulfillment of her family, and the man in the example works hard because he responds to authority checking up on him, but would not be assertive for himself if no one is there to scold him for being less pro-active. However, when it comes to dating, many people look for those “signs” that someone is meant to be your best potential soul mate. They look at status symbols that may include education level, wealth, social connections, and even wearing white after Labor Day, none of which is a direct indicator of how well someone treats a partner in a relationship. Those “signs” can serve as indicators of some kind of significance, but if you really want to safeguard yourself from being mislead by “signs”, then remember this one point: How someone treats you must be your most important criteria. If you plan to have children, or already have children, then your most important criteria should also include an analysis of what kind of parent someone would be. Frank Kermit
 The Frank Law of Attraction The Frank Law of Attraction Originally published July 18, 2016, updated April 20, 2018 By Frank Kermit The Frank Law of Attraction is based on one single premise: What you do to get the person must be the same thing as what you do to keep the person. Most attraction tactics focus on getting someone to like you, however they do not focus on keeping that person around. That is the paradox of most pick up strategies as those routines focus on getting someone immediately turned on; but has no substance to keep any serious long term relationship alive. Here are some of the talks that come up with men and women in my coaching sessions when perpetually single people come in and want to figure out why they cannot find someone that wants to commit to him or her long term, despite the fact they have less trouble finding short term volunteers. If you do not want her to leave when the money runs out, then do not use money as your primary means of attracting her. If you do not want him to leave when your breasts start to sag, then do not use your breasts as your primary means of attracting him. If you do not want her to leave when the adventure of traveling must be replaced by settling down to manage your responsibilities, then do not use adventures of traveling as your primary means of attracting her. If you do not want him to leave when the sex ends, then do not use sex as your primary means of attracting him. If you do not want her to leave when your buff body suffers life altering health problems, then do not use your buff body as your primary means of attracting her. If you do not want him to leave when the lies get found out, then do not use lies as your primary means of attracting him. If you do not want her to leave when she discovers you have no intention of being monogamous, then do not use the promise of monogamy as your primary means of attracting her. If you do not want him to leave when youthful beauty fades, then do not use your youthful beauty as your primary means of attracting him. If you do not want her to leave when you can no longer afford lavish gifts, then do not use lavish gifts as your primary means of attracting her. If you do not want him to leave when you stop supporting his drug habit, then do not use enabling his habit as your primary means of attracting him. If you do not want her to leave when you demand that she stop flirting with every man she knows, then do not use admiration of her flirtatious nature as your primary means of attracting her. If you do not want him to leave when you admit that you do not want to have kids, then do not use the promise of a family as your primary means of attracting him. Whatever you plan to use to keep the person with you long term, needs to be the very elements that you must use to attract the person. These include your common values, your similar life plans and goals, and your personality and ability to connect. Frank Kermit
 Entertainment is NOT Dating Education
By Frank Kermit The entertainment industry is not concerned with educating audiences about relationships. The entertainment industry is only interested in one thing: entertaining you in a way that turns a profit. Although there is nothing wrong with entertainment such as movies, television, and so on and it is perfectly OK (and absolutely necessary) for businesses to turn a profit, the issue that I see in my practice, stems from the fact that human beings sometimes will mistake what has been produced for entertainment purposes only, as an example to be followed in their love lives. Women wait to be rescued by a handsome rich stranger instead of building their own wealth and making efforts to seek out their own partners. Men assume that allowing women to mother them as just friends will eventually turn that friend into a lover. The stories that entertain us may also mislead us. To be clear, the entertainment industry is not to blame, nor should it be censored or altered to be more educational. That is not its mandate. The issue is not the entertainment industry per se. It has to do with the fact that human beings are a species of influence-able creatures. Environments influence human beings, including what we see, what we hear and what we experience; that environment includes what entertainment we are exposed too. If you removed every aspect of our entertainment lives, we would still be just as influenced by the people and events around us. Each time you witness one person helping another fix a flat tire, it shall influence you to likely help out the next person you see with a flat tire. The key is not modifying our entertainment, but bringing in better education. As long as people are educated about how to think critically and rationally about anything in their environment that can and will influence them, then people can make sure to only take actions that are in their best long-term interests. Whether people need an education to learn how to interpret TV shows, commercials, movies, theatre or have to learn to interpret their own families unhealthy repeating behavior patterns, it is important to understand that what you have always been exposed too, is not an automatic example of what is normal behavior to enact or take part in. I wish I could say that people should look to their own families for examples of what love and relationships are instead of looking at our entertainment media. Unfortunately, with the high divorce rates in place, it seems that the very people that needed to exemplify those patterns of love and relationships are failing miserably. A society of absolute choice when it comes to dating, but no actual skills to be able to manage that abundance of choice, is resulting in a chain of broken relations. It always comes down to everyone having different emotional needs (whether healthy needs or not) and seeking to have those emotional needs addressed. However, a personal education in relationships is something people have to choose to take action on. Until then at least remember that what entertains you does not equal what must educate you when it comes to finding love. Frank Kermit |
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