It's OK to be Single on Valentine's Day
By Frank Kermit
 
Valentine's Day can be a day of reflection for some people. A number of new relationships start on Valentine's day because some individuals mark the day to push themselves to take a chance asking out who they have adored secretly.
 
Other relationships come to an end on Valentine's because as some reflect on their relationships on Valentine's, some do decide they would be better off without a relationship. However, in all the kafuffle, one particular group is either ignored, or possibly pitied on V-day: The Single People who go into V-day single and remain single.
 
It is OK to be single on Valentine's Day.
 
Single people do not need to be in a relationship to be happy, nor do they merit being felt sorry for. There are those people who are in fact, Happily Single! Many singles enjoy the freedom of single life, and have more than enough affection, friends, family and love.
 
Being single does not mean being alone, celibate, nor in a state of relationship-envy. It is actually more than likely that many people, who feel "stuck" in an unhappy relationship, may actually envy the lifestyle of a seemingly carefree single.
 
However, it is equally important for happily single people to remember not to tarnish Valentine's Day celebrations for those couples who wish to commemorate the day celebrating their togetherness.
 
Promoting an anti-Valentine's Day attitude in the face of happy couples is just as unpleasant for the couples as it is for couples to make happily single people feel shame or guilt for "missing out on something".
 
The best sentiment anyone can offer one another, whether single or a couple, is for people to celebrate what they are happy to be currently experiencing.
 
Can Valentine's Day be classified as a "Hallmark Holiday"? Sure. Has the promotional marketing machine pushing Valentine's Day purchases, getting a tad too tasteless? Possibly. Can individuals who are coupled up be made to feel a pressure to perform some gigantic romantic feet of epic (budgetary) sweetness? I would say so.
 
Can individuals who are single on Valentine's Day be made to feel excluded from the lovey-dovey frenzy? Yes, I believe it could.
 
But it does not have to be that way.
 
As human beings, we have the empowered right to choose how we react to outside factors. We can choose to take the commercial endeavors of the market in stride.
 
We can choose how much or how little we celebrate V-day, if we choose to celebrate it at all (some people do not acknowledge Valentine's Day and elect to be loving, giving and romantic at random moments throughout the calendar year).
 
We can choose how to celebrate Valentine's Day with a partner that has more to do with the spirit of the couple, instead of trying to outdo other members of our social circles. We can choose to acknowledge what Valentine's Day means to one person does not carry the same meaning for other people.
 
We can choose to use Valentine's Day to celebrate our non-romantic connections to people (our family ties and our friendships). And for happily single people, we can choose to own and accept our single status and take pride in our passion and contributions to life.
 
Happy Valentine's Day whatever you love

Check out The Benefits of Frank Coaching and Sign Up!

#feb14 #feb15 #february14 #feb14th #february14th #valentinesday #bemyvalentine #valentineday #vday #singlelife #single #singleawarenessday #sad #heartbroken #heartbreak #broken #hurt #imissyou #breakup #depressing #lovequotes #alone #hearts #heart #cupid #cupidsarrow #marriageproposalideas #marriageproposalfails #engagementseason #gethitched

Single and Celebrating Valentine’s
By Frank Kermit
 
It’s almost Valentine’s Day (V-Day), and you are single and that is OK. No, really. There is no sin to being single on any day of the year, V-day or not.
 
This is no time for individuals to belittle themselves, just because the people in relationships around them get a reminder to celebrate being a couple. In fact, just because people are involved romantically, does not guarantee they are any happier than those people who are single and loving it. Do not get caught up in any marketing campaigns that are designed to make you feel less of a person just because you are in-between relationships, or that you find yourself more content just being on your own. 
 
Valentine’s Day is a great day to remind couples to appreciate each other and to give them an excuse to show each other affection. (With that said, it is important to point out that many breakups actually occur on V-day because that same reminder also points out to some couples they are better off single). Valentine’s Day is also a great day to celebrate your love for yourself, and to make yourself happy for a day as well.
 
Being single on Valentine’s Day can be an adventure if you choose to make it such. Is there something you have been meaning to try, but never get around to doing it? Is there a new restaurant that you have been meaning to check out?  A movie still in theaters you couldn’t get anyone to go see with you? A gift for yourself that you wanted to buy but felt it was not the right time to acquire it? Are there places you have been eagerly tempted to visit, but were waiting for the right person to attend with you, just to share in the possible taboo? Well, stop waiting.
 
Do it today. Do it for yourself. Do it because you matter and you are worth it.  You do not need to be seeing someone else to do all the things you held off doing.  You are allowed to do it, now, today, being single, and just do it for you.
 
You always have the power of choice.
 
You can choose to let V-day get to you in the worse possible ways, and fall victim to the pity-party that has sparked so many Anti-Valentine’s Day sentiments…or you can choose to be happy for those who celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone they like, and be compassionate and nurturing to yourself, and make it a special  “I love me” day, whether or not you are looking for someone to celebrate Valentine’s Day with you next year.
 
Celebrate you! Celebrate being single! Just because it is V-day does not mean you have to feel down about yourself in any respect. It is a time when you must appreciate everything you’ve got going in your life, and to be positive towards yourself, single or not.


Check out the Benefits of Frank Coaching, and Sign Up

The 5 Extreme Effects of Valentine’s Day
 By Frank Kermit
 
Sometimes people will use Valentine’s Day as a catalyst for something significant. Some of those significant undertakings can be life changing, while others just re-confirm what human beings tend to forget or take for granted. Here are some examples of the extreme effects that Valentine’s Day can have on people, and the actions they are motivated to take.
 
 
The Confessional: Valentine’s Day is notorious for people confessing their undying love to someone that has thus far been just a friend. At times it is a long drawn out secret-admirer type of communication with the admirer being revealed on Valentine’s Day.  The problem with this method is that the anticipation of discovering whom it is overshadows the reality of who the admirer actually is. The build up is so high, that even a great date candidate might still not live up to fantasy built up in someone’s mind, and makes the climax of the secret revealed be a let down.  Other times, it is a person who has been planning and rehearing a “You Mean The World To Me” speech. The intention is good but I strongly discourage such execution. This only works if the other person already likes you. There are a few people who would welcome this level of attention and reward it with a date to see where things go. However, most people do not react well from the extra pressure, and it can be a bit intimidating to get to know someone romantically that already has very strong feelings. More often than not (at least what I have seen in my coaching practice over the years), rejection is usually the response.  Ask the person out for a date on Valentine’s Day if you wish, but confessing an undying love to someone that may not feel it is deserved or merited is more likely to scare the person off. 
 
 
The Break Up: Valentine’s Day is a day of reflection, and sometimes that means that people who reflect on the relationship they are in, or reflect on the person they are dating, and come to the conclusion that they should no longer be together. As great as Valentine’s Day can be touted as celebrating love between two people, it is just as equally destructive in ending dating and relationships. Getting dumped on Valentine’s Day is a real occurrence, precisely because it calls attention to elements between the two people, that people might sometimes ignore, or tolerate. When a person discovers they really wouldn’t mind not spending Valentine’s Day together, that realization can turn into the rational that they wouldn’t mind not spending ANY future time together.
 
 
The Reminder: Sometimes Valentine’s Day does exactly what most people hope it will do. It is a reminder for each couple to focus on the reasons that they are happy that they are together. Instead of focusing on the day-to-day routine things that may annoy you about your partner, Valentine’s Day is a reminder for couples to take time out, recognize what it was about your partner that drew you in to begin with, and to show some attention, appreciation and love to your partner, in ways that makes your partner feel loved, special and respected. When appropriately done, Valentine’s Day can be exactly what saves a couple from a break up, and can be a reboot for the couple to get back to where they were on their path together, before the rest of life distracted them from what was really important in a relationship. In a time when the divorce rate is about 40-50%, I would suggest that anything, like Valentine’s Day that can get a couple back on track is an nice extreme effect.
 
 
The Proposal: Ding-dong! Ding-dong! Wedding bells are ringing! There is nothing wrong with proposing on Valentine’s Day. In fact, in 2013, the American Express Spending and Saving Tracker consumer report surveyed Americans’ Valentine’s Day plans, and found that six million couples are likely to get engaged on Feb 14th making it a very popular day for proposals. However there is a difference between a surprise proposal and a marriage proposal that a couple knows is eventually coming.  If you and your partner have spoken at length about a future together, and you both acknowledge that a proposal is coming, but just don’t exactly know when, it is a pretty safe bet that once the proposal happens, the person asking is going to get a resounding “YES”!  If you know for certain, you are going to get a yes, then by all means, do propose. However, if you are going to use Valentine’s Day as your day to surprise your partner with a proposal that the two of you have not previously seriously discussed, then you are HOPING for a yes. That is not a time to propose. A proposal needs to be an expected surprise, not a “What the heck are you doing to me?” surprise.
 
 
The Last Straw: When Valentine’s Day pushes people to utter the words, “Never Again!” is when Valentine’s Day initiates the last straw. It is what I tend to see in my coaching.  Someone has the worst Valentine’s Day they ever had, and decides it is time for a change. Perhaps they just got dumped, suffered a third divorce, ended up alone for V-day for the 5th year in a row, or even proposed and got rejected. A very painful Valentine’s Day can be the breaking point that some people reach, in order to step up and take the steps necessary to begin the hard work that comes with changing. The last straw is when a person reaches a point where the pain of staying the way they are is less than the pain involved in changing their ways. It is when you realize that the common element in every problem in your love life is you, and it is time to fix you. It is a shame that as human beings we sometimes need to be slapped by life in order to be motivated to make changes in the way we do things. But reaching that extreme point can be one of the effects of the worst Valentine’s Day of your life. 
 
Check Out The Benefits of Frank Coaching and Sign Up.

A Poly Date For Valentine’s Day
By Frank Kermit
 
A Poly Date is when you go on a date with more than one person. Whereas a date is traditionally considered to be only between two people, a Poly Date is when 3 or more people all get together with the intent of carrying out a romantic date.
 
An old mentor of mine used to say that if you openly date more than one person at the same time, be very wary of Valentine’s Day. The mentor told me that it was a day that caused the break ups of all the relationships you were in, except the one you made plans with way ahead of time, as all your other partners will feel neglected that you did not choose them. I asked the mentor what was the best way to handle it? The old mentor told me to try to be out of town for that day to avoid it.
 
I did not like that idea.  Why try to hide and manipulate anyone?  Why would it offend anyone if you were honest about dating non-exclusively? I decided that if I ever got to that point of openly dating more than one person at the same time, and Valentine’s Day came upon us, that I wanted to try something new. One year I did just that when I was casually seeing two girlfriends during a period of my life when I practiced consensual non-monogamy. Both knew that the other relationship existed and they both agreed to continue to date me.  I had been honest about my non-monogamous lifestyle from the first date.
 
I wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with both of them. I did not want to choose one over the other. I liked them both. So I did the opposite of what my mentor suggested. I was honest with both of them and invited them both to spend the whole day together.
 
They agreed!  None of us at the time had ever tried anything like this before. Both my girlfriends had previously only ever practiced monogamous relationships, while I had only practiced non-monogamy for a few years, but never had a poly date. Also note that neither of my girlfriends had previously met before. When I asked each girlfriend why she agreed to try it, they both said (among other things) that the novelty of the experience was a huge factor. Having never tried it, it was a new experience they were open too. 
 
The evening included a reservation at a nice restaurant in which I instructed the establishment to please set a table for three with the plates in a triangular placement. Given that it was Valentine’s Day, and that only couples filled up the restaurant, the three of us were getting quite a bit of attention that night  (Especially from the restaurant staff).
 
I played chauffeur while the two of them sat in the back seat together to get to know each other a little better. Then the three of us headed to a second location, a large high-end multi-level sex shop where they could use up their Valentine’s Day gift cards I had given each of them. While perusing the shop, I got to spend a little time alone with each of them. Finally, I took all three of us back to my place where we collaborated cutting fruit for chocolate fondue. It was a groundbreaking experience for me, and I made sure to tell both my girlfriends this and thanked them for being so open-minded.
 
At one point the three of us were walking on the street arm and arm (and arm), a girlfriend on each side with me in the middle. There was no greater feeling. It put a smile on my face. Simple-total-pleasure. I really liked both these women and if things had gone a little differently I really do think I could have married either one, or even attempted an ongoing triad relationship. But life had other plans for the three of us.
 
That Valentine’s Day was like no other for me personally.  It was one of the most peaceful, endearing, healing, life changing, monumental, loving moments that I will treasure in memory for the rest of my life. At the time that it happened, I had NEVER had a good V-Day.   Never. Until that moment in time, V-Day was the day that I either got dumped, had to end it with someone, or found myself alone.
 
Since that time, I had more poly dates during the period when I practiced consensual non-monogamy, and have also had even better Valentine’s Days.  My first Poly Date was a good experience, but not every Poly Date is going to go as smoothly. 
 
If you do attempt a Poly Date, here are a few things to keep in mind.
 
Although the Kinsey Institute did a study that found that about 21% of Americans engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lifetime, that does not mean everyone you suggest it to is going to like the idea.  In fact, many of the people you may ask out for a Poly Date might completely refuse to ever date you at all just for suggesting it. It is not for everyone, and if you intend to make it part of a regular lifestyle, you will likely find that some people are very against the entire concept. Some people, including family and friends, may even completely abandon you for wanting a non-monogamous lifestyle.
 
In cases where you do find someone willing to take part in a Poly Date (whether it is bringing a third person to go out with an already established couple, three or more people that all share a common partner or two, or couples-dating-couples for an adventure of swapping partners) that does not mean that the dates will go where you might want them too. Dating with only two people involved, is a mesh of chemistry, compatibility, and balancing boundaries with expectations; it can be more challenging the more people you involve. At times, it can work out nicely, and other times, personalities clash, conflicts erupt between paramours of partners, and the whole experience can blow up in your face, and even cost you the very relationships you were trying to expand upon. For example, the two people you brought together for your Poly Date might like each other more than they like you, and they become a couple and dump you at the end of the night. Ouch!
 
So, if the risks are high and the chances of it working out are even more challenging than traditional dating, then why I am even telling you about it?  I am sharing my experiences with you because I learned a lot from my experiences with Poly Dates. It changed the way I see all relationships. It made me a believer about the possibilities that can exist between any two people (or more as the case may be). It made me a believer that people can build their own unique relationship structures that best suit them, and that if they are willing to risk rejection; they can and will find people to have those unique relationship structures with. Not because any of it is easy. A relationship between only two people is not “easy”.  You just have to be a believer that you can make your dating and relationship goals happen.  That is why I am telling you about it. It takes a believer to turn a fantasy dream into every day life goals. Believe.





To learn about the Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships which covers non-monogamous relationship structures: Click here to buy a copy of the Coaching Workbooks
For Men : I'm a Man, That's My Job
For Women : I'm a Woman, It's My Time

To learn more about Frank's very first Poly Date, Click here to buy a copy of his autobiography:
From Loser To Seducer

To learn more about Monogamy, Non-Monogamy and Couples in Transition, Click here to buy a copy of Frank Talks Articles: Volume 3: The Monogamy and Non-Monogamy Edition

To learn more about Non-Monogamy and Alternative Relationship Choices, Click here to buy an audio program:ALTERNATIVE RELATIONSHIP CHOICES: Non-Monogamy

To learn about how to date multiple women honestly, Click here to buy the ebook:
THE POWER OF CHOICE: HOW TO DATE MULTIPLE WOMEN HONESTLY

Age Gap Relationships
The STUPH FILE Program, Episode #0251, Original Air Date: June 6 2014
Peter Anthony Holder interviews Frank Kermit about Age Gap Relationships. This is Frank's 6th appearance on the show.

May-December, Age Gap Relationships
 Date: June 30, 2011, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 5th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about May December Relationships. What are some of the issues that people in May-December Relationships face? Why do people think that May-December Relationships are a sign of people being used and emotional dysfunction? Is there any truth to it? What should a person who has kids already do if they get into a May-December Relationship? Should much older people have children? What are the stigmas to these relationships and how can you combat them? Find out in this interview. 

Passion - Age Gap Relationships
Frank Kermit makes his 22nd appearance on the Montreal radio show PASSION hosted by Dr. Laurie Betito, a Psychologist with a specialty in Sex Therapy. This show, "PASSION", has soared to take the number one position in its time slot, and it is the only show of its kind on Montreal airwaves. It airs on CJAD 800. This 16th Dating Dilemmas show features Frank and Dr. Laurie talking about May-December Relationships aka Age Gap Relationships

 Be The Light You Seek in Life
 By Frank Kermit
 
There are times when the world around us seems too chaotic, too violent and just does not make sense.
 
It is too easy to become disillusioned with people in general, and the natural reaction to lash out at something, or some one, or some group of people can feel very justified in the moments we are emotionally compromised.
 
In those moments where, we are scared, we feel violated, and we do not feel safe, anger can take over and cause people to act in violent ways against the people they target.
 
However, the people being targeted tend to be innocent of any incident, because they are being attacked as symbols of threats, and not the ones who actually threatened anyone.
 
To anyone reading this that has been affected in any way by the violence and crisis covered in mainstream media I implore you to pause for just one moment before taking any actions into your own hands.
 
Yes, it is important to take actions to protect yourself and to protect your loved ones.
 
It is also just as important, that you do not become, in that moment, exactly the type of person you are raging against:
 
A person who is acting out of maliciousness and irrational sentiment in the name of a higher cause.
 
If you give in to that violent impulse, you are just perpetuating the cycle of violence that leaves no safe places for our future decedents.
 
If you want to change the world, and make the world a better place, the most powerful place is to start with your own heart.
 
Do not just seek better behavior from the people in positions of power. Seek within to create that destiny.
 
Be the light that you seek in the world.
 
Be the example of how others should treat one another by treating others with the same kindness and compassion you wish others would display as well.
 
Making the world a better place starts with you showing other how, by the way you make choices for your own life.
 
Do you believe the world lies too much?
 
Be the example of how to share the truth.
 
Do you believe the world cheats too much?
 
Be the example of how to practice ethical openness.
 
Do you believe the world fights too much? Be the example of trying more diplomatic efforts to resolve conflicts.
 
Do you believe the world is too indifferent to suffering?
 
Be the example of compassion you think the world needs.
 
Human beings are creatures of influence.
 
You have the power to influence others through your actions. 
 
A new year is coming.
 
You can make it a good one. 

 When The Ex is Hard To Forget
World Does Not Stop For Your Broken Heart
By Frank Kermit
 
When your ex is too hard to forget, what becomes too easy to forget is: that the rest of the world is not going to stop while you nurse your broken heart. The rest of the world, and the people around you, will continue to go through life’s ups and downs. One of the shockers for people with major broken hearts is that when they start to come out of the spell of hurt they are under, they sometimes are amazed at how much life has changed around them and they did not notice until now. It is like waking up from a bad dream, but you were never actually asleep, and now you also feel like you need to mourn the lost time of being so broken hearted, that you put your own life on hold.

If you are suffering from a broken heart, here are some tips for getting over an ex so that you do not lose any more time than you have to.


1. Create new memories

If you and your ex used to dance to a particular song, dance with every new date you get to that song. If you and your ex used to frequent a particular restaurant, then go there with every new date you have. With each new person that you see, you create memories to help combat how you filter your past memories with your ex. That “special something” that you only did with your ex, stops being so “special”. It also loses its power to remind you of the pain of missing your ex.
 

2. No bad mouthing the ex

Bad mouthing your ex doesn’t help you deal with the pain of missing your ex. It may feel like it does at first. Bad mouthing another person can make you feel like you have a little power and control in the moment because it brings about feelings of anger and hatred. However, all that does is keep you feeling pain about your ex. Yes, your ex may have wronged you, but continuing to bad mouth your ex keeps the hate alive, and also halts you from feeling good with new love. Hate breeds more hate, and makes you forget how to love.


3. The realization that if it was meant to be, it would have been
 
“But if I just did this one thing different…but if my ex just didn’t do that thing…but if one of us had just decided something different….but…but…but”. STOP! There is NO but…but…but. If the two of you were suppose to stay together, then nothing would have split the two of you up romantically. Mistakes are going to happen, and every relationship faces obstacles. No one has an “easy” relationship.
 
The best of couples will find themselves struggling sometimes just to connect emotionally when life gets in the way. And I do mean the BEST of couples. If you and your ex were “meant to be” then you would “still be”. The fact that the two of you could not survive whatever it was that caused the split; then it simply could not work out in any case being the two people you both are at this time.


4. Take the time to mourn the future

One of the areas that many people do not give proper credence is that in order to get over your ex, you have to mourn the future you have built up in your head about your ex. When you are in a relationship, it is normal to imagine what your future will be like with that person. This can include, where you are going to live together, marriage, having kids, grand kids, growing old together…well here is how you deal with that: You must understand that there is the conscious mind that knows the difference between fantasy and reality and then there is the sub conscious mind that believes that both fantasy and reality are actually one and the same.
 
On a sub conscious level, you FEEL like you and your ex have already been together as long as you have fantasized about, even if you have only dated a short time. When you break up, it is important to mourn the loss of that fantasy future you built up just as much as you mourn the loss of the real relationship, because there is a part of you that FEELS the fantasy future was as real as it gets. The loss of the relationship is not the only thing that you need to grieve for. There is the loss of the future you dreamed about too.

If you have ever been in love and lost that love, then you know the heart break of not being able to forget an ex.


5. Deconstruct the ex symbol
 
Often times, one of the biggest challenges in getting over an ex, is that your ex became a symbol. There is your ex, the human being…and then your ex, the symbol. When the person you are dating becomes a symbol for some greater cause that you attach to that person, that symbol will still exist in your mind, even if you break up, and can last long after your ex is gone from your life. For example, if dating a specific person became a symbol of your own self worth, then when you stop dating that person, your self worth will be attacked.
 
So let’s say that you always felt bad about yourself and have very low self esteem…but one day you end up in a relationship with a person that you feel is “the best thing” that you could ever hope for in dating. If that “best thing” becomes your symbol to mean that you are a worthwhile human being because you are dating your partner…it is only a matter of time, before your own self worth issues surface and maybe even cause you to self sabotage your relationship. Once your partner becomes your ex, you may not just have to mourn the loss of your partner in your life, but you may have to also deal with how your ex as a symbol, changes the way you see, feel and think about yourself.
 
Be with a person, because you actually want to be with that person, and not because that person symbolizes to the world, your peers, your family, or whomever else you are trying to get approval from, that you are “worthy”. The richest man loving you, nor the most beautiful women loving you will NEVER make you feel worthy of anything, if you don’t already feel you are worthy of loving yourself first.
 

6. Date other people
 
It is normal to want to isolate yourself when dealing with heartbreak. Just because it is normal, does not mean it is the correct thing to do. If you are nursing a broken heart, and someone wants to date you, then get out there and date.

Be careful not to try to take out your frustrations regarding your ex on the new person you date. If you are unable to do that, then wait. Once you do get to the point where you can appreciate the new people in your life that want to woo you, then let someone woo you…or be wooed by you.
 
Everyone has a clock that is ticking. We are all running out of time. You have a choice of how to spend a portion of your time. You can choose to be alone and feel sorry for yourself, or you can choose to make the effort to find new people to connect with and share yourself.


7. Stop spending time/communicating with ex, get used to the new normal
 
Life without the ex is all about getting used to the “new normal”. This process is also taught to people that are suffering from massive grief when a loved one dies. Although the emotions, and some of the healing process may be similar, there is one underlying difference. Your ex is not dead; only your relationship with your ex is dead. For this reason, it is only natural that you would want to stay in touch with the ex, and want to keep your ex in your life. At first, it does make the pain easier to deal with…it also helps keep the hope alive that the two of you might rekindle. But what happens when there is no rekindling of the relationship? You are then going to have to deal with the full brunt of the pain you have been avoiding, as well as the pain of having stayed in contact.

This does not mean to become enemies with your ex. It does mean that you need to take time away from your ex, until you get used to not having your ex as your partner. The sooner you get used to the new normal of life without your ex, the sooner you and your ex can actually be friendly with one another in the future.


8. There is something you needed to learn…figure it out
 
There is one common element in every single relationship you have ever had. It’s YOU. When a relationship ends, the most important thing you can do is look for the lesson for you to learn, so that you do not make any of the same mistakes again.
 
Did you think you could handle a particular element of your relationship, and ended up learning that you aren’t as liberal or open-minded as you would like to think? Did you date someone that had values that were so different from yours, and you didn’t think it was a big deal, until after you got more serious? Did your instincts scream not to get involved and you learned to trust your gut more? Maybe you learned that your gut instincts are actually wrong and that you shouldn’t trust it when choosing a relationship partner.
 
Regardless of how the relationship ended, the fact is, it ended. Even in the best of circumstances where the two of you broke up very amicably and simply weren’t compatible, there is still a lesson to learn…and the biggest lesson is figuring out how to read the signs that you would not work out in such a relationship, so that you don’t end up seriously dating someone with a similar personality as that of your ex.


9. Stop the desire for revenge

Sharing secrets you promised never to share, or passing around intimate photos and videos you made with your ex to get them back, is one of the worst things you can do. Not just because it is wrong, but also because in doing so, you will end up having to relive the pain of the break up, to keep you feeling that your acts of vengeance are justified. One thing is for certain…if you continue to aim for revenge, the on thing that will absolutely keep is the hurt. Revenge doesn’t always balance out the hurt…it can sometimes be the source of keeping the hurt burning.

No matter how things ended, seeking revenge rarely takes the pain away. It just perpetuates the pain. Revenge only makes a person feel some sense of power and control for a moment…and when the moment passes, it leaves the revenge seeker feeling even emptier. If a person makes the right move, they stay away from revenge. If the person makes the wrong move, they try to seek out getting an even more despicable revenge thinking that it will sooth them of their growing emptiness. Take my word for it…taking revenge on an ex rarely makes things better.


10. Forgive yourself to find closure

Forgive yourself. Forgive the mistakes you made in the relationship. Forgive your part in the break up. Forgive yourself for choosing to date your ex to begin with. Forgive yourself for having a relationship that ended. Forgive yourself for being human. Forgive yourself for not being perfect at relationships. Forgive yourself for making your ex cry, hurt or mourn. Forgive yourself for not knowing how to make that relationship work. Forgive yourself for the time you might feel you wasted with your ex. Forgive yourself for everything you are still angry with yourself for regarding the relationship.
 
I have often found that when you reach a point where you can learn from your relationship mistakes and can trust yourself not to make those same mistakes again, that is when people can forgive themselves. In self-forgiveness people find the closure they seek. You will not find closure from your ex. You find closure from within.

Dating With Mental Illness
By Frank Kermit
 
The term Mental Illness covers a variety of mental health conditions and disorders. Commonly mental illness will affect and change a person’s mood, emotion, thinking and behaviors (or a combination of these). 

Mental illnesses are health conditions; they can be feared and misunderstood by many people but they are nothing to be ashamed of. Mental illness is common, and more common than many people care to admit.

   
If you have a mental disorder, should you mention it when dating? If so, when do you bring it up? First date? Just before initiating intimacy? Before moving in together? On your online dating profile before you even meet a person?

In order to answer this, you will have to make a choice.

If you are comfortable with the entire world knowing your personal challenges with mental illness, then bring it up on a first date. If you do not care about your privacy in this regard, then there is no point hiding it longer than need be. For example, if you suffered severe depression in the past, and may be prone to having a severe episode in the future, and you do not care who knows about it, then share it in conversation on the first date. 

Does it have to be the first thing you say after you say hello?  Nope.

But it is something you should tell the person if you see the two of you are getting along, and the best way to bring it up is calmly, and as a matter of fact. For example, you are getting along on the date, have been talking for about an hour, and have found you have a few things in common and decide that you like the person enough that you might like the date to go longer into the night, or even already thinking about a second date.

A way to bring it up, is to calmly and simply mention that there is something you want to talk about, and that you really like the person so far, and you want the person to know this, so that it doesn’t become an issue in the future. Then tell the person about some of the challenges you deal with. A different way you can bring it up, is to ask the person if they have ever dealt with any mental health issues, or know of someone they care about who has.

One of three things will happen. The person will either answer the question and then ask you the same question back, the person may answer the question and not ask you the same question back; or the person will ask you why you are asking. In any case, this would be a good time to talk about your challenges with mental illness.

Something to keep in mind is that you are the ambassador to train people how to treat you. If you behave unsure about your condition, or if you communicate that you are uncomfortable discussing your condition, you may trigger the person you are speaking too to be just as unsure and uncomfortable about you. If you communicate your situation with self-love, and demonstrate that you are accepting of your situation, you will influence others to feel the same way about you.

For this to work, please make sure that you are as knowledgeable about your mental health issues as you can be, and help the person you are dating better support and assist you by clearly communicating your emotional needs, and boundaries (as the case may be).

Now then, if you do NOT want information of your mental illness to become public domain, then you will have to work a little harder at screening the person you are dating to see if they are trustworthy enough to share this information as well as have the capacity of compassion and understanding. This means that during conversations in the early stages of dating, you must test the person by asking them questions that will reveal how they feel about your mental illness without revealing that you have it. For example, if a particular artist or performer has the same mental illness as you, you can start out by a conversation of the album or movie that person appeared on. Lead that conversation from the art, to the person, and mention in casual conversation the mental health issues of that person.


Then gauge the reaction of your date.


If your date talks about coping with mental illness with compassion and understanding, it is a sign you may be able to share secret parts of yourself with that person later on. If your date reacts in a very negative way where you do not feel safe reveal your secret to them, it is a sign you likely should not continue dating the person at all.


For example, if you want to know if the person you are dating can be open to talking about your depression, anxiety and your past suicide attempt, you can start by bringing up your favorite movies starring the late actor Robin Williams. From talking about the movies, to a discussion about the star himself who was publicly known for dealing with mental illness, that tragically took his own life in 2014, how your date reacts and discusses mental health will reveal if you are with a compatible partner. (P.S. I miss Robin Williams, forever my Mork).

Two warnings to the people that need to keep their mental health issues a secret from the people they date. 

First warning is not to pay the mind games of getting your date to fall in love with you before telling them. It is manipulative and unethical. Let the person you date be able to make an informed decision before getting too attached to you, and focus on screening your date for compatibility as mentioned above.

The second warning is do not make the mistake of not telling someone that is on the verge of committing to be life partners with you. If you have suffered, or continue to suffer, with mental illness, and you are getting serious with someone, that person should know what challenges they face in being seriously involved with you. Chances are you may find yourself dealing with your struggle in the future, and your life partner should at least know what to expect from you, just as you would want to know something this serious about your life partner.

To anyone reading this that refuses to date someone that has suffered with mental illness, or is at risk, I want to explain something to you. It can happen to anyone, at any point in the life span. There is no guarantee that people who are at risk for mental illness will ever succumb to it in their lifetime. With that said, there is no guarantee that just because someone has never struggled with mental illness before means they will never struggle with it.

Just because someone had a parent that needed medication to cope with mental illness does not automatically means that the person you are dating is going to require the same means to cope with life.  Just because the person you are dating has never dealt with panic attacks or depression does not mean that they will not start to deal with them after a traumatic event much later in life. It is that common.

Like ANY physical health issue, it can strike at any point. Whether the result of a bad unforeseeable accident, or resulting after a number of warning signs taking effect, or happening seemingly without cause, it can happen to anyone you are dating, just as it can happen to you.

Treat others with the same compassion and understanding, as you would have them treat you. When it comes to mental illness, this is more applicable as one day, it could very well be you.

I invite you to join me on Wednesday January 25th at 10 pm EST when I take part in Bell Let’s Talk, as a guest on Dr Laurie Betito’s radio program Passion, for their monthly feature Dating Dilemmas where I will talk about Dating with Mental Illness with Dr. Laurie Betito, and co-host Fritz-Gerald Morisseau of https://www.elitespeeddating.com/

The show will be broadcast LIVE in Montreal on CJAD 800 AM (http://www.iheartradio.ca/cjad) as well as broadcast in Toronto on NewsTalk 1010 AM (https://www.iheartradio.ca/newstalk-1010)

Battling Insecurities When Dating
By Frank Kermit
 
Insecurities can be an obstacle in your dating life. The special challenge is that even if you find someone that you like, who happens to like you back, your own insecurities will more than likely sabotage every great potential relationship you find.
 
Insecure people usually lack a certain confidence, and can be troubled by self-doubt about their own abilities, skills, and their own self-worth.
 
People can feel insecure about a variety of things such as weight, height, attractiveness, facial features, disabilities, social status and even whether or not they are deserving of being treated well or of experiencing being loved.
 
When your insecurities overwhelm your entire sense of self worth, it may be referred to as an inferiority complex, which can at times drive individuals to overcompensate to achieve extreme related success.
 
For example, a person with an inferiority complex about his or her looks, could potentially go to extreme measures to be considered very attractive, such as people who starve themselves to unhealthy near death limits, or people who train hard to the point of injuring themselves.
 
Insecurities can be rooted both from childhood experiences (for example, growing up with a feeling of unworthiness of love or attention from a parent), as well as, experiences from an adult's life (for example, a failure of some kind that became wrapped up in the adult's self identity).
 
In my practice, what I see most often is that insecure people attempt to solve their insecurities by aiming to be as perfect as possible.
 
This means not taking any action in dating waiting for the perfect time, waiting for the perfect partner, or waiting until he or she achieves some great accolade before being open to dating.
 
Striving for perfection does not seem to alleviate insecurities. It actually exasperates the problem constantly leaving an individual feeling like he or she is not ever perfect enough to be loved.
 
Full on acceptance of self is the best solution for insecurities. It is the complete opposite of the source of being insecure, and when a person fully accepts and loves him or her self, they also accept their insecurities as part of what makes them whole and unique.
 
Once you reach a point where you do not fear abandonment, or fear being unwanted, and accept yourself for all the reason you think people could potentially reject you, that is when you give off the belief in yourself that attracts people.
 
When you are OK with you, you teach others how to be OK with you.
 
This does not mean that EVERYONE is going to flock to you. Fact is, even at your best, there will likely always be a percentage of the population that will not accept you.
 
However, once you fully accept you, you may be surprised to find out that many other people (the majority in fact) will be more accepting of you as well, no matter what it was you originally felt insecure about.
 
The aim is not to ignore the element at the heart of your insecurity, or to try to hide it from others. It means that others may also acknowledge the existence of what you were insecure about, and still accept you with it.
 
One of the behaviors I always encourage in my clients to help them along the path to a stronger self-esteem and to build up self-acceptance is to stop judging other people.
 
Treat people with compassion at all times. It is a learn-able skill just like any other. Avoid gossiping about people, making fun of anyone for any reason whatsoever (in person or online), and be accepting and tolerant of others, even if you do not like them.
 
They do not have to conform to your own sense of appeal for you to accept them. You do not have to like a person, their look, or their lifestyle, in order to accept them and respect their rights as human beings; whatever flaws you may see in them.
 
How openly or harshly you judge others are signs of how little or how much you compassionately accept yourself.
 
Frank Kermit

Dating With Disabilities
By Frank Kermit
 
I once went on a date with a woman that had severe food allergies. We went out to a movie and I wished she had told me ahead of time. Although she mentioned that she was deathly allergic to peanuts, what she did not tell me (and I guess she felt I would have inferred) is that a movie theater was not a safe environment for her. She needed to be careful that someone coming in late to the movie and sitting near her was not eating anything that could end up being dropped near any exposed skin of hers. I never ate nuts of any kind at the movies, so it was never something that even crossed my mind. Much of our date was her spending her attention on potential threats to her life.
 
On the one hand, I could appreciate her trying to accommodate me, but on the other hand, if she had been more direct and told me the best places for us to have a date (based on what she already knew about her disability) it would have made for an even better date for us.
 
You are your greatest ambassador in your life. You are the one person that can step up and expertly describe to others exactly how you want and need to be treated. Some people struggle with this because they do not know how to stand up for themselves to communicate what they need and want, while others struggle because, they simply do not know what it means to be treated well in general. When someone has a disability of any sort which compromises their means of living in any way, getting into the dating scene can be a little more challenging than most people.
 
Whether your disability has to do with one of your senses (deafness), a physical challenge (you are in a wheelchair), an intellectual challenge (learning disability of some kind), or any other disability that you assume may get in the way of some aspect of your dating life, the best way to communicate what you need is DIRECTLY AND POLITELY.
 
Let the people in your life know what you need in no uncertain terms. Tell them what they can expect from you, and what you require from them in order for the two of you to associate and get along. It is not always an easy thing to do, especially if you are not used to asking for help, or even talking about your disability in general.
 
Not all disabilities are visible and no one would ever suspect it, unless directly told by the person who has the disability that it exists.
 
A key point to remember is if you act embarrassed or ashamed of your disability, whenever you teach people how to treat you, then your uneasiness with your disability is part of what you are teaching others.
 
Even if you tell them with your words that it is OK that you have your disability and that you can still have a relationship with them, if your tonality and other communication factors (your facial expression. Body language and the energy in your eyes) tells people something different such as you do not believe what you are saying; you are likely going to be rejected, regardless of your efforts.
 
When sharing your disability, it is necessary to be positive, and reflect on the gifts your disability has given you. Yes, a disability that has taken something away from you may in fact be the same disability that has given you a gift that is likely taken for granted. If the person with the disability takes it for granted, it is more challenging to have potential romantic partners see the brighter side of it. A disability may have the effect of intangible benefits that are generally not valued as much as tangible benefits.
 
In my experience, both personal and professional, when disabled people remain angry or resentful about their disability, it is more difficult for them to find qualities they appreciate about their disability. It is human, and very normal, to feel negative about a disability.
 
However, when trying to establish a certain quality of life, a needed component is the ability to embrace the positive in your life, and that includes whatever positives a person can identify, even as a result of a disability.
 
For the struggles my own weight issues have given me throughout my life, it has also given me the capacity for a non-judgmental frame of reference when dealing with people and their own body image issues.
 
Knowing how hurtful it is to be mistreated for the way I look, I strive to endeavor to treat others in an accepting manner regardless of their body type. That is a value, albeit an intangible one. If I acknowledge my acceptance of others as a character trait of value, those around me, are even more likely to appreciate that about me as well. If I were to take my valuable trait for granted, it is even more likely that those around me will also take me for granted. Get it?
 
Almost every disability has a capacity to give the disabled person a gift. Physical limitations can give someone the ability to have compassion for others. Allergies can give someone a heightened sense of awareness of their environments (to observe any potential threats). Chronic illness can give someone the ability to have a deep appreciation for good days and good people. These intangible qualities are easy to ignore and take for granted.
 
However one of the most important elements for relationship success is how a person treats you. Much of that important element is based on a person's intangible qualities. When you can appreciate those qualities in yourself, it can be a means of appreciating those qualities (REALLY appreciating them) in others.
 
That new ability of appreciating the intangible in others is one of the special qualities of being able to sort out the red flags in order to better help you find your future soul mates. Yes, it is all connected; A-ha moment anyone?
 
Sometimes it can get tiring to always be the one to educate the rest of the world about your disability. Well, get used to it. Disability or not, we ALL have to do it. Every single one of us is responsible to educate others about who we are, and how we want to be treated. It is a never-ending burden that depending how you choose to manage it, can also be an empowering exercise of personal expression.
 
Finally, we must acknowledge that when you do tell people you want to date and talk about your disability, and explain whatever extra attention you will need in order for that person to be in a relationship with you, that yes, you are taking a chance and YES, you WILL GET REJECTED by some people. It is inevitable.
 
There will always be those that walk away from you, no matter how well you communicate about how feasible it is to enjoy dating you. On the flip side, there will always be those people that will not be fazed by whatever your disability is that simply would enjoy the chance of dating you. There is nothing to convince those people that they see you as a person with a disability, and not as a disability wrapped up in a person. It is those in the middle (and sometimes they are the majority) who will not know how to act. It is not that they will automatically reject you, or accept you.
 
They simply do not know enough about your disability to decide. These are the people that you can exercise a power of influence upon. With that said, they will look to you for an example of how they should behave (accepting or rejecting). That is where the ability to connect deeply exists.
 
Your ability to love and fully accept yourself gets the opportunity to transcend to others, helping others to have the ability to love and accept you. After all is said and done, it is your ability to love and accept yourself, in addition to your ability to communicate that self love and self acceptance to others, and not the disability itself, that will play the biggest role in the creation of your love life.
 
As for the peanut girl, she decided that she did not want to continue seeing me. One of her reasons was that she felt we could not have a relationship because I would have had to give up going out socially carefree always on the look out for allergic dangers, and she worried I would eventually resent her. It is too bad she disqualified herself as I did not have a problem with that, and I would have loved to see her again.
 
Frank Kermit

This article is based on my coaching workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm a Woman, It's My Time

Rejection:  The Best Worst Thing  That Can Ever Happen To You
By Frank Kermit
 
Rejection is the worst best thing that can ever happen to you. Managing rejection is a necessary part in managing your love life. Over the course of your life, chances are you are going to experience rejection before you find your soul mate, and you may have to reject others in that process as well.
 
Trying to seek out love while trying to avoid rejection is like trying to walk in the rainstorm and not get even a little wet. The sooner you accept the reality that rejection is a normal part of life (albeit an unpleasant one at times) and learn to handle the negative emotions associated, the sooner you will find peace with your desires of seeking out an emotionally fulfilling love life.
 
Whether you put yourself out there, or are on the receiving end of someone's affections, you are going to have to deal with rejection. In fact, the more you make efforts to connect with others, then more you will surely deal with rejection.
 
For example, if you are on a spree of approaching new people, on the numbers alone, you will deal with more rejection than you previously did when not approaching new people. If you end up going on a date with someone, but do not end up in a long-term relationship with that person, it means at some point there was a rejection of sorts. In cases where you are casually dating, and someone that you were dating has ended up in a more serious relationship with someone else, even though that person never broke up with you directly (as there was no serious commitment in place) by virtue of that person choosing someone else, it is a rejection by default.
 
Rejection is a Message
 
When trying to understand rejection, rejection is at its core a message. The question is not why rejection exists; the question is actually, what is the message that a particular rejection is trying to communicate to you. Understanding how to interpret the correct message in each rejection is the key to mastering managing rejection.
 
Before getting into understanding rejection, it is important to understand that unless you are under a particular stage of personal development or are constantly getting rejection to the point where you have not had a date in over a year, keep in mind not to read too much into a rejection. More often that not, rejection has less to do with you as a person, and more to do with what is going on in another person's life. I hear it in my practice all the time how the reasons that someone rejected another had little to with the person they rejected and more to do with that person's own issues.
 
For example, people with a fear of intimacy will go out of their way to find reasons to reject others, blaming the other person, when in fact, they are simply running scared from potentially emotionally healthy relationships or even just sex. Other times, the person is so hooked on waiting for a particular person, that they refuse to take a chance on someone new and will reject all advances.
 
Sometimes, the person is in a "complicated relationship" (which is really a politically correct way of saying they are too scared to make a clean and final break up and move on) and they do not know if they are even single enough to date someone else. It could generally be that the other person rejects you based on the way you approached. Most rejections are not anything to read into, as most people rejecting you likely know nothing about you. Now with that said...
 
When trying to change your behaviors and developing yourself, for the purposes of attracting a soul mate, rejection becomes a great learning tool. Whether your goal is to get a major commitment, sex with the person you are seeing, or even just managing to get someone to date you at all, a rejection from achieving your goals can be a good message about what you are doing wrong, and what you should try next.
 
I often find that asking the person who rejected you why they rejected you, is in fact, NOT the best way to figure out what you did wrong. In many cases, the person who rejects you cannot properly articulate why you got rejected. Most people THINK they know why they rejected someone, only to have that particular reason not matter, when they do not reject somebody else that had the similar trait. That is part of what makes the learning process in relationships so challenging.
 
You can only really ascertain why pervious partners rejected you when you succeed in not being rejected by future partners. In other words, you will know the true reasons you constantly got rejected only after you change your behaviors and no longer get rejected.
 
Prior to my own personal development I was often told that I was being rejected for being overweight. During my personal development phase, I experimented with countless new behaviors to discover how to make myself more seductively attractive. In time, the weight no longer mattered for the majority of people (there will always be a minority that care too much), because I changed the REAL REASONS that I was originally getting rejected; my overall behaviors that were unattractive, for example: being too nice instead of asserting my boundaries. In certain areas of life, relationships being one of them, it is like first being given the test, and then being taught the lesson afterwards.
 
When you are romantically interested in a friend that you has gotten to know you well enough, and decide to chance taking it to the next level and your friend rejects your advances, it should be interpreted as an insult. A stranger does not know you enough for a rejection to be insulting. A friend however knows you enough to know that you make a good friend, which is a key component to making a long-term relationship work.
 
When your friend would rather keep you as a friend, rather that even try, just for one first date, to explore what more the two of you can be, that is an insult. Basically, the message is that you are good, but not good enough to even make the effort to check out if there could be something more undiscovered which could develop into a meaningful relationship.
 
For that reason, when a friend rejects your romantic intentions, it is best to distance yourself from that friend, or end the close friendship altogether. Staying friends with a friend who consistently rejects you (assuming that you keep hoping the friendship will blossom into more) does an emotional damage to the one that keeps hoping for change.
 
The biggest error that people make when trying to interpret rejection is they do not distinguish the difference between being rejected for incompatibility (a particular person does not see a realistic future for this coupling) and being rejected because a person that is unlovable.
 
When I lost my ex-fiancé to my then best friend, there were a few different ways I could have interpreted that rejection. On the one hand I could have understood that she felt he was better suited to addressing her emotional needs than I. On the other hand, I could have understood that there were behaviors that I needed to improve on so that I would not have acted in a way that made me less desirable as a partner.
 
Even more, I could have assumed that they were meant to be, and it was wrong of me to stand in their way. I could have also tried to understand that maybe her and I would simply not have worked out anyway because we really were that different and that if it wasn't my then best friend, it would have been someone else that got in the middle of it.
 
At the time, I was so overwhelmed with negative emotions that the only interpretation I could come up with was that I was not worthy of love. I felt that I was too unlovable to ever really deserve a relationship. It took me years to deal with that demon and slay it.
 
How different my life would have been had I learned to better interpret rejection. Then again, I would not be the very relatable relationship coach I am today without those horrible years of self-actualization.
 
Time has given me another great interpretation of rejection: Dodging a bullet. There are times that rejection is actually a blessing, although it does not seem like that in the moment. There are times when the only worse thing than not getting the date, is actually getting the date. When I look back over the course of my life, and happen to follow up on past interests that have rejected me, I sometimes find myself grateful that I got rejected, seeing how their lives unfolded. I do not wish malice on anyone from my past, however, to see how some of their lives turned out does make me realize that not having gotten involved with them may have turned out to be a great blessing that I simply could not appreciate at the time.
 
Think back to every time you ended up dating someone that you wished you hadn't. Chances are that someone that rejected you could have given you a worse relationship experience...and the fact you dodged that bullet is something you can be thankful for. To use a career-related analogy, if the workplace environment is a toxic one, then the only worse thing than not getting the job, is actually getting it. So the next time you get rejected, be mindful that what you don't know, isn't necessarily better than what you could have found out too late.
 
The mark of true unshakable confidence is when you know, and trust in, your own value and recognize what you bring in to the relationship table. When "the feast" rejections your dish, it will be the dish with unshakeable confidence that will state that the feast doesn't realize the value of the dish it just turned away.
 
Now, anyone with false bravado can say it, but so few people really believe in themselves enough to see themselves as a prize worth cherishing. The sign they do not see themselves as a prize? They stay in unfulfilling relationships. People who value themselves do not stay in unemotionally unhealthy and abusive relationships.
 
There are people who do see themselves as a prize, but that aren't. These people come across as creepy or are simply delusional people. The difference between those peoples with unshakeable confidence from those who are delusional is that the crowds who have unshakeable confidence back up such beliefs of self worth through actions. Under their table of confidence are works that make up the legs to hold it up. They have taken stock of how they live their lives being congruent taking actions that are in line with their own belief systems. They do not take themselves for granted, and do not allow others to do it either.
 
They have learned how to navigate the fears of abandonment in exchange for being alone rather than being with the wrong person.
 
Managing rejection, is at the heart, of reaching a point of loving yourself, and holding out for someone to love you at that same level, keeping your expectations realistic. If you do not have faith in yourself, and appreciate what you have to offer, you run the risk of misinterpreting any rejection you encounter. At that point, you are rejecting yourself, instead of being the one person that you need most in your corner.
 
Frank Kermit 

  This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

Are You A Partner or a Liability?
By Frank Kermit
 
"It's not you, it's me." Have you ever heard that said to you when someone broke up with you? Have you ever been the one to use it when dumping someone that was interested in you? Chances are, there may be some deep truth to it.
 
A number of times, the reason relationships do not even get a chance at long term success is that people find all kinds of excuses to kill the momentum before anything seriously meaningful has the chance to bloom. There are a number of different motivations for this kind of relationship sabotage. Some of these may include unrealistic standards that a person may set up, which no other person could reasonably live up to.
 
I often tell people, to their chagrin, that if their standards are actually higher than their social skills to attract that particular type of partner, then the issue is not trouble meeting compatible dates; the trouble is a deep and likely unacknowledged fear of intimacy.
 
If you have a fear of intimacy, whether it is a fear of physical intimacy, or a fear of being open and emotionally vulnerable, or a combination of both, then it really is going to be -you-. You ARE the issue; not the fact that everyone you have dated was not good enough.
 
Baggage. No matter how old, how young, how experienced, or how inexperienced anyone is, everyone comes with baggage. Everyone has his or her emotional baggage of one kind or another. Having baggage is part of being human. I often find that those individuals who starkly claim to seek someone with absolutely no baggage, tend to be very much in denial of the baggage they themselves have in abundance.
 
From the 50 year old confirmed bachelor who has never been married nor had kids afraid to make any sort of commitment, to the single mother of 3 teenagers from different fathers and everyone in between; I have likely heard them state clearly that they all want to meet someone that has no baggage.
 
However, none of them that make such a statement ever appreciates the concept that others, who view them the same way, would never give them a chance either. Romance novels and movies might make allowances for ironic hypocrites in love and allow double standards to flourish. It does not work in the real world.
 
The Ideal Dream Lover Exercise will tell it all. Here is something to try. Take a moment and write down a list of qualities that you think your REASONABLE ideal dream lover would have. What would that person value? What kind of day-to-day lifestyle would that person have? What would that person have already achieved before meeting you for the first time? List as many things as you can that you believe would be reasonable to expect from your dream lover to already be.
 
By reasonable, I mean that you keep your expectations within a reasonable parameter. For example, it is a nice fantasy that your ideal dream lover may be a gold medal Olympic athlete AND a PhD in Anthropology AND also be an astronaut with space travel experience AND appeared as a regular guest star on a syndicated TV show AND also has no social issues whatsoever...sounds great, but based on nothing more than there are only 24 hours a day and any one of those accomplishments takes time and dedication that would sacrifice some or all of those other goals is what makes that list unreasonable.
 
Once you are done with your ideal dream lover exercise, it is time to ask yourself a Frank question: Are you the kind of person that your ideal dream lover would date? Honestly? Chances are, that if your ideal dream lover existed, that dream lover would not want to date you, because you are not up to your dream lover standards. Your dream lover may in fact consider you to be a liability instead of a potential partner.
 
This is where you get to begin closing the gap between the type of partner you would want, and who you are. If you know what kind of life partner you are seeking, then you have the gift of knowing your goal, and can adjust your own behavior patterns to become the kind of person who can build and support that life which would attract your ideal dream partner.
 
If you are not sure what kind of partner your ideal dream lover would want, then you might want to strive to become your ideal dream lover. Whatever your lover would do, then you set out to do. Does your ideal dream lover go to the gym 4 times a week? Then get yourself there as well and work it. Does your ideal dream lover have the resources to own two vacation homes in other countries? Then get busy building your financial life so that you can also have such a lifestyle yourself.
 
Before you give up because it sounds like too much work, I want to assure you that, yes; it is in fact a heck of a lot of work. That is the point. If you are not willing to put in the work, then you ARE the problem, and not everybody else. It really is you.
 
Frank Kermit 

 Check out my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

Stop Wasting Time:
The Resolution For Singles in the New Year
By Frank Kermit
 
Some people find themselves starting the New Year as a single person. For those that are happy being single, the New Year is getting off to a great start.
 
However, if someone is not happy with being single, and wants to make sure to be in a relationship by the time New Year's Eve comes around again, it is important to make some changes.
 
If there was one area that single people must make changes to, in order to ensure their best chances at no longer being single, it can be summed up in 3 simple words:
 
Stop-Wasting-Time.
 
Stop Wasting Time means that you realize that your "time" is a resource of a very limited supply.
 
You cannot get back any time that you already spent. All you can do is focus on the time you have left. When it comes to the desire to no longer be single, how you spend your time is very important.
 
There are certain things you must devote time too. These include your set obligations, your family responsibilities, your work, your education, your health but when all of that is done, then you may have time left over to focus on other things.
 
That time left over is the time you need to devote to making changes in your life to break the repeating behavior patterns that have thus far kept you single. If you are not using that time wisely, you could be wasting it.
 
For example, you have decided that this was the year you were going to find new love, and build a serious relationship with him or her, and the next thing you know, you get contacted by one of your ex lovers who happens to be lonely and wants to enjoy your company again.
 
If you keep hanging out with ex lovers just to avoid feeling lonely, you are wasting your time.
 
Use that evening to go out some place to potentially meet someone new.
 
If you are casually dating someone currently and it appears that there is little chance of it turning into a serious commitment, you might be wasting your time.
 
Talk to your partner about what would have to happen to for such a commitment to occur.
 
If your partner cannot give you a direct and crystal clear answer, you are wasting your time with that person.
 
Use that time to go to workshops to develop your social or conversational skills.
 
If you have hobbies which are enjoyable pastimes (stamps, genealogy, videogames) but do not allow for you to interact with new people in real life social settings where you can explore a potential romance, you are wasting your time.
 
Use that time to take up a new activity like a dance class where you must interact with others and potentially find a connection.
 
Even chilling out with your friends can end up being a huge waste of time.
 
Unless your friends are able to directly introduce you to someone new they brought to the social circle, hanging out with the same groups of people that do not provide you with your own chance of love is a time waster.
 
This also includes that friend of yours that you are in love with, and continue to ask out, but rejects you again and again.
 
Spending time with someone that continually rejects to attempt to take your friendship to the next level is wasting your time.
 
Use that time to meet up with new social circles that can meet your needs better.
 
Some people struggle with this because they carry a notion that they should not have to put in so much effort to connect with a new love.
 
They feel that it should just happen when the timing is right, and would rather wait for love to come to them.
 
For some people, this has worked because they are naturally able to draw such opportunities to them.
 
However, for the rest of us who were not naturally able to draw it to us, it is time to put in the work.
 
Next New Year's Eve is just about 11 months away.
 
You can either wait to see if you will be alone again, or you can choose to take action and increase your chances to have someone to start next year with a meaningful kiss. It's your time
 
Click the links to visit my coaching workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job and
I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

Frank Kermit

Relationship Goal Setting
By Frank Kermit
 
This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

Setting goals in most areas of your life can be challenging. When it comes to relationships, there are even more challenges. Whereas in other areas of your life such as education, employment, and even some areas of betterment of health, there are a number of areas that are fully within your control, and a huge range of support systems in place.
 

For example, if you want to get a certain degree, those educational institutions that offer such a degree will forward you information about what is necessary to get into the program, and there are some loan and bursaries programs designed to help manage the costs of tuition. You control which schools you apply to, how quickly you adhere to the application process, and making arrangements so that you will have the time and the finances to support yourself while studying.
 
Those are some of the things you are in control of. But like any goal setting process, there are elements that you do not control. Using the same example, you can do everything exceptionally well, but you still might not get in to your program of choice at the schools of your choosing. You control everything within your power of influence to make something happen, except mainly for the final outcome. That is one area that you cannot control what happens. All you can do is manage how you can best react to what happens.
 
When setting goals as they relate to your relationships, it can be even trickier than in other areas of your life, because whereas in other areas of your life, a desired goal is something a little more quantifiable (maybe a LOT more quantifiable) using a pre-determined set of circumstances, in your relationships you are dealing with a real human being.
 
Using the previous example, there are very specific things that are measurable for someone to accomplish in order to get accepted into an education program, and if the applicant is open to applying to various schools, and continues to do so year after year, learning how to improve their candidacy based on previous rejections (if any), then it is likely that some program, at some point will accept the applicant. For some, it is an easier process, but for others it can take a few attempts to get in.
 
But what makes this process easier than goal setting for relationships is that the requirements are limited (a handful of documents and letters), specific (previous education considerations), and measurable (work or volunteering experience). It is not so with relationships.
 
As I teach it, even at your best, you are still only 50% of a relationship and the other 50% is YOUR ability to choose the right partner. It is not enough to be a great partner; you also have to align yourself with another great partner to make a relationship work. If you are looking to set some relationship goals, here are some tips:
 
1-Goals need a deadline: A deadline helps a person focus in on a goal. For example, setting a wedding date, or an age that you would like to already be married and having started a family by may help a person focus on growing up and choosing more suitable long term partners to date.
 
2-Goals need to be realistic: Realistically you cannot expect to be a lawyer in 6 months when you only have a high school diploma. Most professional orders and licensing boards have requirements such as a minimum of a three-year university bachelor degree. Your wishing to bypass it is not realistic. The same holds true on your relationship goals. If part of your goals is to learn to be more social, savvy and emotionally healthy, it will likely take more than a few minutes of your time once in a while, to make that kind of deep change a permanent repeating behavior pattern. If your standards are much higher than your ability to attract such a higher-standards partner, you are not being realistic for what is within your scope.
 
3-Goals need to be related to your absolutes: Your preferences come and go, but your absolutes reflect your boundaries and values, and your goals must be in line with those. If you do not know the difference between your preference and your absolutes, then one of your first goals is to get that figured out.
 
4-Goals and Hope: There is no guarantee that you will achieve your goal. There may be factors beyond your control that you may not be aware of.
 
For example, you could attempt to engage someone into a romantic relationship and not be aware that the person you are targeting simply has no capacity to be involved with anyone for reasons that would be too personal to share. That person might have an STI, or an abusive background related to intimacy, or on a path of personal healing that would negate that person from being open to any kind of romantic connections at this time. It is important though that you never give up hope that you WILL meet someone and find love. Even if you learn every relationship management skill in the book (This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.), it is all for not, if you do not at least carry the HOPE, that a loving relationship is within your grasp.
 
It can also sometimes be very difficult to stay motivated to keep going after your relationship goals; especially if a person has a lot of bad relationship experience.
 
One of the ways to help you stay motivated is to make a list of all the potential pain you will have if you do NOT achieve your relationship goals, and all of the potential pleasures you will have if you DO achieve your relationship goals.
 
For some people, having a list like that (a constant reminder) of what they stand to gain or lose, can be enough to stay dedicated through the rough roads as they are in the middle of crossing that emotional trench called the canyon of pain.
 
What's your motivation?
  
This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

Frank Kermit 

This is an excerpt of an passage from my books:
I'm A Woman, It's My Time (The Coaching Workbook for Women)
and
I'm A Man, That's My Job (The Coaching Workbook for Men)

How To Deal With Toxic People
By Frank Kermit
 
Toxic people are defined in this article as people who lack the capacity to reason, or people who have the capacity to reason but just do not want to reason with you.
 
In the hierarchy of relationships, the category for toxic people is the lowest category that exists. That is because when you identify someone as being a toxic individual, you do not invest any further time in dealing with that person, or at least any more time than you absolutely have to. When you encounter a toxic person in your life, and if you can completely cut that person out, then it is best do to so.
 
When cutting someone out of your life, there are consequences, just like with every other decision you make in life. As Robert Ringer teaches, you choose your actions, but not the consequences of those actions. Be sure that you do not end up suffering more for getting rid of someone, than if you tolerated them.
 
For example, if you work in an environment with a toxic co-worker, you may not be able to cut that person out of your life without quitting the job.
 
However, the consequences of quitting your job may be worse than simply tolerating your co-worker, especially if you only have to deal with that co-worker in a limited capacity or if you are already looking for another job.
 
 
When it comes to family, the same rules apply. If you cut out a member of your family for treating you in a toxic manner, you will have to deal with consequences that you may not have anticipated such as having other family members cut you out because they sided with that relative. For example, in some cases, a cousin may boycott you when that relative is present, but that same cousin may happily engage in communicating with you when that other relative is not around. Are you prepared for the consequences?
 
Also, when it comes to toxic family members, keep in mind that the issue of having to interact with them after cutting them from your life, at functions such as weddings, funerals, and other events may be something you will have to deal with. In some cases, you may end up having to skip those weddings, funerals and other events. Are you prepared for the consequences?
 
It is important to understand the difference between a good person who is acting in a toxic manner as a result of a bad day, or particularly challenging situation, and someone who lacks the capacity to reason with you on a consistent basis. In the case of a good person acting badly, take a pause, and show compassion. It will bring you and that person back to the level you originally connected on.
 
If it is a matter that you are dealing with a consistently toxic person, there is no trying to reconcile or reason with that person. Just like a drug addict on a high, the ability for rational thought simply cannot cope with the state of intoxication. There is no point in even trying to figure out why a person is toxic, or just acts toxic with you.
 
You will never get a satisfying answer, because by the very nature of being toxic, a toxic person is unable to explain such a reason.
 
The best way to deal with a toxic person is not to deal with that person at all.
 
Buy these books now:

I'm A Woman, It's My Time (The Coaching Workbook for Women)
and
I'm A Man, That's My Job (The Coaching Workbook for Men)

Frank Kermit

 With the holidays upon us, office holiday parties are underway. It is a time to be a little more social with the people you work with, in an atmosphere that is a little less work intensive. It can be a time to get to know your co-workers more personally, and employees at all levels of the organization can come together to share a little cheer.

And what could be wrong with that?


For the most part, it is a great idea. Some companies offer employees the chance to enjoy an afternoon off of work to intermingle during work hours (usually on work premises). Other companies want all employees to return to the job site in the evening, or they reserve a space at a local restaurant or other such venue. It is a nice gesture on behalf of the employer.

However, whether you are single, dating someone very new, or in a serious relationship there are certain holiday office part etiquettes to adhere to. They all revolve around one key principle: You Are Still At Work.

For everyone:

Do not get drunk. Just because it is an open bar does not mean you have an excuse to over-indulge. “Free” does not mean drinking to the point that you cannot walk straight. Know your limit, or just refuse to drink alcohol. You will have to work with these people the rest of the year. An embarrassing drunken incident could be held against you. With that said about alcohol, keep in mind that it is the season for colds and infections. Keep that in mind if you are taking an anti-biotic or other medication. Some medications react with alcohol. Remember you are still at work.

Leaving early is OK. If the holiday office party is taking place outside of normal work hours, it is OK to leave early. Not everyone has the same resources available, and if you are dependent on public transit, or you can only afford your babysitter for so long, or if you simply are not the kind of person that celebrates the holidays and want to leave before things get too uncomfortable for you, there is nothing wrong with excusing yourself early. Although some employers may push for you to stay out later than you can, it is up to you to do what is best for you and find a balance between your obligations to your employers and having your other needs met.


For singles:

Do not look at a holiday office party as an opportunity to get closer to someone that you are interested in at the office. An office holiday party is not a time to make a pass at anyone, nor should you aim to have a make out session in the corner at last call. This is not just another night out with your friends. Remember you are still at work

Do not dress up like you are trying to score at a club. You are not there to bring in the New Year in with a kiss with one of your co-workers. Dress like you would for the office, or just a step above. This is not time to highlight your sex appeal. Remember you are still at work.


For those just starting to date someone new:

If you have just started to date someone new during, or right before, the holidays, it is not a good
idea to bring your newest partner to any office holiday parties. The newer you are as a couple, the less ideal it is to bring your new partner to holiday office parties. You really may not be able to predict how your date will interact and react to your co-workers. Your co-workers may share information about you to your date that you have not yet shared which could make for an uncomfortable situation. Depending how newly you have started dating, your date could end up flirting with and going home with one of your co-workers (I have heard stories about it happening in my coaching practice). Keep this separate. Do not bring a new date just to show off to your co-workers, as this isn’t a juvenile social contest. Remember you are still at work.


For those in serious relationships:

Some offices try to involve the long-term life partners and spouses to office parties for various reasons (some of which may be to try to dissuade employees from fraternizing in ways that would be too inappropriate for the work place). If your office party is inviting partners and spouses, make sure that you and your partner are on the same page. If there is a co-worker that is toxic, make sure your spouse knows who it is, so that the toxic co-worker does not try to get information from your spouse to use against you. If there is a co-worker that has made advances towards you that you have rejected, talk to your spouse ahead of time to make sure you both can handle any potential awkwardness with maturity. Depending on the career, how a spouse can support a person’s career social environment could be a major factor in the motivation to get into a serious relationship. Office holiday parties are a good example of why you both need to be on the same page. Remember you are still at work.


At best, a holiday office party can be a good memory of sharing joy with the people you work with. If you can’t manage that, at least make it something memorable enough for the right reasons. If you can’t manage that, then attempt to avoid making it memorable for all the wrong reasons. If you can’t manage that, you might be exploring your options in the New Year while on employment insurance. Happy Holidays! Remember you are still at work.

Frank Kermit

Let the Holiday Headaches Begin!
By Frank Kermit

You have been dating your new partner for a few weeks now, and your timeline has stumbled upon the holiday season. The holiday season means parties. Family parties, company parties, client-related parties, friends-traveling into town for dinner parties…should you bring your new relationship partner with you? Or should you go solo and wait until next year?

The answer is: It Depends.

The criteria you need to consider before you bring your new partner to meet your friends, co-workers and especially your family at a function is if you are ready to go public with the nature of your relationship. That’s it. If you are not prepared to introduce your partner as “your partner”, you do not bring your partner along. And before the label-haters (those people that can not stand putting a label on their romantic exchanges) start gunning down my throat, consider this: It will be easier on you, your partner, and everyone that your partner will be introduced too.

If you are not going to introduce your partner as your actual partner, then do not bring him or her. The worst thing you can do is to bring your partner to a function and introduce your partner to everyone there as your “friend”.


First of all, introducing your partner as “your friend” makes it awkward for everyone. You are not fooling anyone. People will make three assumptions:
 
(1) you are dating but do not want to admit it because there is something wrong with your relationship,
 
(2) one of you wants to date the other but the other is not interested enough, or
 
(3) you are both just pathetic because you would rather hang out with a platonic friend instead of making the effort to actually find your own legitimate partner.
 
Which would you prefer? Personally, I have been in all three situations, and I can tell you from experience that none of them make you feel good at the end of the night.
 
One of the stories I often hear during my coaching is about the person who brings a “friend” they are interested in to a function, like a work party, and end up having to bite their tongues when co-workers start to flirt, hit on and aggressively try to attract “the friend”.
 
After all, if you aren’t willing to admit that you are more than “just friends” (or that you would want to be), then your “friend” is fair game. Do not put the focus of your affection into a potentially compromising social position.


If you are still at the point of having to introduce your partner as “your friend” at any functions, then do everyone a favor: Wait until next year, and bring your partner along to the future holiday functions if you are still together, and publicly open as a couple.


Frank Kermit 

 The Holiday Mistake Singles Make
By Frank Kermit
 
There are many mistakes singles make, that keep them single.  The holiday time is no exception.
 
At a time when the motivation to meet someone new to date may be at an all time high, some single people make the mistake of shelving their hearts, and put off dating new people, until after the holidays are over.
 
On the surface, it seems like a good idea. Going into the holidays, is a busy time.
 
Planning for holiday parties and gift buying, trying to finish work related projects before taking time off, and studying for final exams makes the time leading up to the holidays a period of high stress.
 
Who has the time or energy to even think about starting to date, or pursue meeting someone new?
 
So really, what is the problem with holding off dating until after the holiday season is over?
 
Well, there isn’t really anything wrong with it per se. If you do not want to date, then do not date.
 
However, giving into this mindset is habit forming.
 
After the holidays, comes the period after New Years and it is too cold to go out to be social and date. Then comes Valentine’s Day and there is way too much pressure to face dating someone new. Springtime is too wet outside and no one likes how there bodies look coming out of the winter blues and final exams again. So let’s wait until summer rolls around. Then in summer, there are so many places to visit, vacations to plan, work projects to finish before heading out on vacation. Did we mention the humidity?  Ok, and the kids are out of school, so no time for social dating then. We will get back to dating in the fall. Back to school, need a vacation from your vacation, and mending the broken heart from the loss of your summer fling, it is no time to date serious.  Halloween already? I don’t want to date in costume, what am I? A clown? Next month when all the creepy decorations come down, I will make the effort for sure. Golly, weather changes are making me sleepy. Oh gee, so much to do because the holidays are coming up! 
 
Does any of this sound familiar? 
 
If you are perpetually single, it should. 
 
Using the holidays as a way to avoid dating is just another excuse in a long line of excuses.
 
There is no perfect time to start dating.
 
The best time to start is right now. 
 
Sure the holidays are hectic. So what?
 
There will always be lots of reasons to avoid dating.
 
You only need one to start, and that is because you want to.
 
No one wants to be alone over the holidays.
 
That is what makes it one of the best times to get out there and be social and meet new people.
 
It is OK to want to meet someone new to date, and it is OK to want to do that over the holidays.
 
So if you have the chance to shake off the holiday rush, and the opportunity to get out there, meet new people and a date comes your way, go for it.
 
Always go for it. 
 
You likely spend a lot of time getting gifts for other people, so why not give yourself the gift of dating during the holidays.
 
You deserve to be loved as much as anybody.
 
Happy Holidays!

 How Much Should You Care About What Other People Think?
By Frank Kermit
 
There will be times when we want to do something in our lives that is meaningful to us. It could be a decision related to abandoning education, what career path to choose, what kind of person to date, changing something major in how we live, or even a new life experience to experiment with to see if it is for you.
 
Each option that you consider can unto itself be overwhelming. However, if it is something that may have the consequence that others may not like you for doing it, it can make an overwhelming option a near impossible decision.
 
With each new choice we make, there will be benefits and consequences. The benefits are usually easier to identify than the consequences. The one alarming factor in your internal debate is the fact that you do not actually control the consequences of your actions.
 
However, when we believe that one of the consequences of our actions may be lack of approval from people, it can make going for what you want a harder decision. If what other people think of you is very important to you, it is likely going to be a huge factor in your decision making process. Sometimes, that can be a good thing, but it is not always as important as people think. Over the course of your life, it is YOU, and not anyone else that will bare the major burden of any decision you make. If you are going to take into account the opinions of others, it is important to keep in mind exactly how effective those "others" are in the ongoing process of your life.
 
There are times when caring about what others think has incredibly good side effects. A teenager, who chooses not to experiment with drugs and avoids the whole drug culture because she worries about how her parents may disapprove, helps keep her safe.
 
That is a good side effect. Caring about what your boss thinks about your conduct both in and out of the office is often necessary as it can have an impact on your ability to be promoted, and increase your earning potential. Not all approval seeking behaviors and decision-making is bad. When the negatives in your life outweigh the positives because you are caring about what others think, and put their approval ahead of your own happiness, that is when you are caring way too much.
 
One of the lessons I teach people who are struggling with pursuing relationship goals is how to balance when to worry about what other people think, and when to just follow through on your interests. People tend to have more regrets about the things they did not do, or at least try, than to regret the things they did do and try, even if they failed at it.
 
When you are trying to judge if you should care about what someone thinks; when you are trying to decide if you should go for it or not, you must ascertain whether or not their opinion actually has any legitimate and actually harmful consequences for you. Does the person in question have the power to ruin the quality of your life in a significant way? If the answer is no, then really, who cares what they think? If the answer is yes, then you have a choice to make to judge if the consequences would outweigh the benefits.
 
For example: you want to drop out of college and start your own business. You have talked about this plan and a number of people think you are crazy, while others support the decision even if they do not agree, and still a few love the idea. All of this is in fact meaningless.
 
The focus has to be on what are the consequences of this decision. If your parents are paying for your education and have told you that if you drop out they will no longer support you and that you would be financially on your own and have to move out of their basement, THAT is one of the consequences that needs to factor into your decision more than others.
 
Are you ready to completely live on your own and support yourself while you pursue this new path? Not sure? In this case caring about what "they" think is important. Also note that if the handful of people who thought it was a great idea for you to pursue, but aren't actually going to help you, or support you in pursuing that dream, then their opinion is worthless. It does not matter if they think it is a good idea. As they are not offering any support for your cause either way, what they think is not something you ever need to care about.
 
That is a key understanding many people miss out on. The idea that liking your idea without actually taking action to support you is as useless to care about as someone hating your idea but not doing anything to stop you from trying it.
 
What about dating and relationships? What about sex? If you want to date someone that some of your friends and family thinks is a bad idea, what should you do? If you want to have sex in a way that you would be stigmatized for, what do you do? You balance the benefits and consequences, including how you will be able to live with yourself long term if you do not even try. It is this one element that can be the most devastating. In the short term it is easy to give up some pleasure in your life in order to keep the peace with the people you care about. However, in the long term, living for others and being self-sacrificing does not necessarily grant peace nor happiness. It is more likely to lead to a life of unfulfilled dreams and an abundance of resentment.
 
There will be a consequence no matter what you do. There is ALWAYS a trade off. That is the way of life.
 
There is no one direction that does not have some kind of bad string attached. It is about choosing the paths that have the bad strings you are able to live with. If you have sex when you want to, with who you want to, you will experience one of the great pleasures life has to offer, but you may also acquire the scorn of people who disapprove calling her a slut or him a sleaze. If you choose not to have sex to please those people, you are limiting some of the life experience and life lessons that comes from experience, which may be something you regret not doing down the road.
 
Will it be comforting for you that you cared what others thought when you hit your mid-life crisis regretting all the things you missed out on? Only you can answer that truthfully. If you choose to go after your dreams there will be people who will HATE you for doing it if you succeed, and will HATE you if you fail; and there will always be consequences to just having dreams no matter what they are. Should you still have and go after your dreams?
 
If you have relationships with individuals that some of your family and friends can not stand, you will have to deal with possibly being cut off from them and others you love that may be caught in the middle (like a younger relative that must obey their parents that no longer approve of you).
 
However, you may very well have the main relationship partner of your life that addresses your most important emotional needs better than your friends and family ever could. Is it worth it? Only you can answer that truthfully. Then again, you could forget that potential partner and only date someone your friends and family do approve of that may or may not completely fulfill you. If you do, and given you keep your friends and family connections intact, it could seem like an acceptable trade off. Is it worth it?
 
Only you can answer that truthfully. Or since you can't be with whom you really want, and you don't want to be with anyone else, you could just end up alone for the rest of your life. That way no one is happy, but no one is hurting...except for you. By putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own, you ARE hurting. It is just that it is not always easy to detect when you are being hurt since you are not in the habit of looking after your own needs. (Ouch, those a-ha moments sting don't they?)
 
Whether "they" are strangers on the Internet who have nothing better to do than to troll your efforts and post negative comments, or if "they" are people that actually have the power to affect your ability to provide for yourself, the process is the same. Judge if the consequences are actually worth what you are getting for it.
 
Over the course of time, your consequences change for certain decisions you make for yourself. The consequences of being an uneducated 19 year old, in a closed social circle, who is dependent on parents to survive is very different from the consequences you would have to deal with as an independent 35 year old adult, who owns a business, and does not care about breaking ties with close friends and family.
 
So do keep in mind that how much you have to care about what others think will change over your lifespan, as your dependency on others change.
 
One thing is for sure though. No matter what decision you take, YOU are still the one person that has to live with the full consequences of every decision you do make, and that you don't make, regardless if you cared about what other people think or not.
 
Frank Kermit

The Scripts that Keep You Single
By Frank Kermit
 
In some people, there is a script. The script is the story they have concocted about how they will meet that special someone and fall in love. Some scripts are more detailed than others covering specific lines that need to be said, or a certain situation that needs to be acted out, to make the scene perfect.
 
Other scripts are a little more basic, drawing from archetype romantic story arcs, of candlelit dinners and moonlit walks.  Whether the script is an elaborate five star production, or a simple outline of bullet points, there is one common element when I work with singles on their scripts. 
 
That common element is that many of the scripts that singles are following, are in part, the reason those individuals still remain single.
 
One of the clearest examples of the script at work is when a single person contemplates new ways of meeting people. Each time a single person refutes a means to locate a potential life partner, because it doesn’t fit in with the way he or she imaged it occurring, they are deferring to the script that does not serve them. 
 
This includes when singles reject means such as blind dates, online dating, speed dating, match making, dating apps or dating a friend, because they are holding out to meet someone through serendipity and a fantasy fulfilling fairy tale; their make-believe script is actually killing their dreams of achieving a chart topping love story.
 
What tends to turn people away from new ways of meeting potential life partners isn’t the technology, the taboo stigmas, or the potential dangers of meeting strangers.
 
It is the fact that new ways of meeting people does not follow the scripts they have inside about the way it was SUPPOSE-TO-BE.  This is an example of what is meant with the saying of “People Getting In Their Own Way”.
 
There are also those times when a person’s script (the story of how the rest of their lives plays out) is downright damaging.  Such as the single mother who refuses to believe that any man could be sexually faithful.
 
Since she is already convinced that the story of her life is to continually be cheated on, chances are she will (likely unconsciously) enact certain choices of the men she dates to help make that script a reality.
 
Or the man whose scripts insists that no woman would ever marry him for any reasons other than his bank account, would likely live out that script by only focusing on materialistic women to date, and (likely unconsciously) ignore or be turned off by the women that would actually be able to fall in love with his character.
 
If you find yourself a struggling single, and are looking for ways to expand your horizons, then it is important to look at the synopsis of the script inside you and re-write the scripts that are working against you on the stage of life.
 
Frank Kermit

 Be Thankful For a Broken Heart
By Frank Kermit
 
Ok, I hate this. I really hate this part of the process. However, it is a necessary part of the process, and if I am expected to help encourage others to do it, first I have to demonstrate doing it myself. It is about being thankful for the times your heart got broken.
 
Before we go on, I want to make something perfectly clear. This is not about forgiveness. This is not about condoning any horrible act that someone perpetrated on you. This is not about wishing for it to happen again.
 
This is just a perspective to change your mindset. This is to help people focus on what they can learn from heartbreak. By focusing on what you learned, it puts you into a position where you are more aware of signs you missed the first time, so that you can limit your exposure to massive heartbreaks in the future, without having to close yourself from opportunities of love.
 
Ok, here I go.
 
I am thankful for getting stood up at my senior prom. There were lots of signs I ignored about the way I was treated by that girl leading up to that night. If it was not for that event, I may have always continued to be too trusting and in denial.
 
I am thankful for losing my ex-fiancé to one of my best friends. This event taught me so many lessons. One of the lessons included not talking about my problems regarding my partner with friends, when I should be discussing those with my partner.
 
Another lesson I learned is that even at your best, you are still only 50% of a relationship, and that is not enough to force a relationship to work if you are with the wrong person for you.
 
I am thankful for a girlfriend having cheated on me by having a threesome with a married couple. This lesson taught me about being realistic when wanting to try an open relationship with certain rules, and not taking action to ensure those rules are followed.
 
I am thankful for an ex-lover who got me to visit her in Vermont after we broke up on the promise of a romantic weekend, only to find out that she just wanted platonic company, so that she would not be alone, and had no interest in being romantic at all. Although the trip was not what I had hoped, it gave me an opportunity to take action when I felt disrespected, and I got up and left. It was something I previously would never have done, had I not learned lessons from previous heartbreaks.
 
Now, I am actually thankful that any of these things happened? Well, not exactly. I wish none of those events had taken place. These events were some of the most devastating experiences of my life when they happened, and with each one, I thought my world was crumbling around me.
 
However, what I must acknowledge about myself in this process is that I probably would not have learned those hard lessons any other way. It took being hurt badly, in order for me to wake up and realize the choices I was making, in terms of the people I dated, were the wrong ones.
 
Without the heartbreak as a motivation to change my behaviors so that I could avoid the same heartbreak again, it is more than likely that I would have continued to make the same mistakes over and over.
 
And for that reason, I am thankful that the lessons I learned did not have to be even more devastatingly hurtful than they were. I had the chance to smarten up before making the same mistake again, which could have had worse consequences.
 
With all that said there are some heartbreak stories that were not so bad, but that I was still able to learn something and be thankful for.
 
I am thankful for finding my very first official girlfriend. She taught me that I was lovable at a time when I struggled to love myself.
 
I am thankful for the women that I have connected with on my journey to understand relationships, as each one taught me how to manage different kinds of relationship structures, and that different relationship structures actually exist and can work.
 
I am thankful for my wife, that has thus far experienced me at my worst, stuck by me anyways and is a great mother to our magnificent son. Together, we continue to learn the true meaning of marriage and all the good and not so good challenges that marriage offers. Lots more lessons to learn here.
 
Inevitably, the majority of the relationships we have in our lives will end one way or another, either through break ups, or for those that last the rest of our lives, death will do us part.
 
Those relationships that do not end in a break up will still have their share of heartbreak. We are human, and human beings make mistakes and hurt the people we love. It is also part of the process.
 
However, if with each heartbreak we can grow a little more, then in time, we will also learn to love a little more, and love with less hurt.
 
Frank Kermit

 The S.L.A.P. Theory Of Life Lessons
By Frank Kermit

(this concept is discussed in my book: From Creepy To Charisma: The Art of Calibration)

Sometimes life will slap you down when it has a lesson to teach you. For some people, the slap may be a light swat, and for others the slap has to be a severe smack down. How hard life has to hit you in order for you to learn your lesson is up to you. Each time you get tapped by life, it means you have a lesson (or lessons) to learn.
 
If you learn your lesson and take the necessary actions to apply those lessons, you will not get tapped for it again. If you refuse to learn the lesson that life is trying to teach you, it will eventually slap you again, and the next time you get slapped, it will be worse. That is the thing about life. You will keep getting slapped harder and harder UNTIL you learn your life lesson.
 
In relationships, and example of life slapping you is that you keep dating the wrong person. Your first big slap could be a broken heart. You have a choice. Learn the lesson that life is trying to teach you about your choice of partner, or be doomed to repeat that mistake. If you do repeat it, the next slap will be worse than the broken heart. It could be contracting an STI (sexually transmitted infection), a bad marriage, an unexpected pregnancy, a divorce, and even a child you love that you never get to see.
 
All nasty slaps that life hits you with, that stem from not learning a lesson very early on about choosing the right partner for you.
 
In my practice, I have conceived of a way to better understand the means that life uses to teach life lessons.
 
I call it the Frank S.L.A.P. Theory. It is an acronym that stands for a mindset to help you handle it when times can sting you bad.
 
S: stands for Survive. If you have survived the slap, it means you are still here to learn something about what happened to you, and it is a sign that something needs to change.
 
L: is all for Learn. You need to learn something in order to avoid this happening to you again. Sometimes, it is one big lesson, and other times, a number of smaller lessons. As long as you can take the good, and take the bad, learn from both and there you have the slaps of life. (10 points if you got that theme song reference!)
 
Do not worry if you missed one of the lessons you were supposed to pick up on, or if you think you learned the wrong lesson. If you still have a lesson to learn, life will slap you again to give you a chance to get it right when dealing with the slaps of life.
 
A: Apply Action. This attitude is amazing for making absolute adjustments to the way you approach the world. Without applying action for the lessons to be followed in your life, learning becomes moot and life is going to send out another slap your way.
 
P: represents Pass it on. Once you learn your lesson and apply action so that you change your life with respect to your lesson learned, it is time to pass on what you learned.
 
This does not mean to teach your lesson directly, as much as it is about being the example of how to live, to those around you. This is especially true for those people that are in the care of children, who will do what you do, more than what you say.
 
Frank Kermit 

Figuring Out What You Want
In Dating
By Frank Kermit
 
In my work with singles that are struggling to find a serious long-term relationship, one of the challenges is to get the single person to define exactly what it is he or she wants. Many people think they know what they are looking for, or believe that when the right person comes along, they simply will feel it.
 
Based on my experience and my practice, I have to tell you that such beliefs tend to lead people to dating the wrong partners or ending up very alone as they get older.
 
Trying to define exactly what you want in a life partner, as well as, the kind of relationship structure that meets your needs is not as easy as some may assume.
 
First you must balance what you think you want, and what you personally can and cannot handle. You may think you would be happy with a very socially active dating partner; however, it is only after you actually date someone who is very socially active that you come to realize that your own introverted nature and home body lifestyle, simply cannot support dating a socially active partner who is out and about most times and enjoying extrovert behaviors.
 
Second, there is the issue of not having enough experience with dating in general. How do you know if casually dating a number of people, instead of trying for a monogamous relationship right away would make you happier?
 
The answer is, you likely do not know, until you try and let experience teach you.
 
When I meet with clients who struggle like this, I usually suggest that sometimes it can be easier to define what it is you do NOT want. You may not be sure if you want a monogamous relationship right away, or to casually date several people at once, or to have a primary partner with some kind of more open relationship because you simply do not have enough experience to know yourself.
 
In fact, dating could turn out to be just a big experimental tryout until you figure it out by getting burned a few times. However, if you can list what you are sure you do not want, it can help you narrow down your choices to figure out your next immediate decisions.
 
For example, if something you know for sure that you do not want in your future is a divorce from the other parent of your own children, then use that as a guiding principle to help you choose what you believe is the best potential learning opportunities going forward.
 
No one-relationship lifestyle is better than another. Each one has pros and cons and can be better suited for different phases of a person's lifespan.
 
It is about starting with your end goals, identifying what you know you do not want, and working back from that future point.
 
This will help you decide who you should attempt to date today, and in what kind of relationship structure you should date that person.
 
Dating can get complicated if you let it, but it does not have to be that way if you know what your end goals are, and use that knowledge to factor into the choices you make today.
 
Frank Kermit