Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships (and how to Transition as a Couple) in the Coaching Workbooks: I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time Couples in Transition: Monogamy and Non-monogamy By Frank Kermit Couples who are experiencing a transition in the status of their relationship may sometimes look to explore new ways of redefining their sex lives by experimenting with the boundaries of sexual permissions. This includes couples who are monogamous that are interested in exploring the terrain of the swinger lifestyle, as well as, couples who were previously non-monogamous in some way, that now want to stop any extra-circular sexual activities with others and be monogamous. Transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy or from non-monogamy to monogamy is not always simple process. It can be challenging, because the rules for each kind of relationship are different. The mindset for monogamists is different than the mindset of non-monogamists. Also, each relationship structure faces risk factors that are not always thought of ahead of time. The main 2 rules of monogamy are (1) you only have sex with one person and (2) you never do anything that could potentially threaten rule #1. Where this gets complicated is trying to identify what exactly is a threat to monogamy. Are using sex toys, watching pornography or contact with ex-lovers threats to being monogamous? You will learn to identify which are threats to your monogamy by communicating with your partner, and finding out where your partner is comfortable. Each individual has particular boundaries, and the goal is to find a common ground about what each partner feels comfortable with while at the same time not enforcing rules that might be too constrictive which could lead to any resentment. In non-monogamous relationships the main 2 rules are (1) you can structure any kind of sexual permissions you and your partner both agree on and (2) you have to make sure that you find likeminded new partners that are capable of respecting your rules. Where this gets complicated is for the two partners to figure out what sexual permissions to agree too. It does not matter where you and your partner draw your lines in regards to sexual permissions to engage in activities with others. As long as you and your partner agree to the stipulations, it is no one else’s business. One couple may believe kissing and heavy petting with others is fine, but not intercourse. Another couple may only engage in sex with a single woman, but not engage with sex with another man or another couple. Another couple may only allow for group sex activates, but not allow for either individual of the couple to have sex with others if both partners cannot be present. Some couples may also take a lax attitude towards using condoms and encourage bareback penetration. It is no one’s business as long as you and your partner agree, and that you deal with other adults who consent to those rules. In either case, whether monogamy or non-monogamy, it is important to keep in mind that what seems like a good idea in discussion, may in fact not be a good idea in practice. For monogamy; In theory, never spending any time away from your partner which includes turning down invitations to take part in a boys’ night out, or for your cousin’s bachelorette party may seem like the right thing to do as a means to help preserve and protect the monogamy of your relationship. After all, if you eliminate any potential threats to your monogamy, you are better able to keep your monogamy intact. However, such restrictive rules may be too confining for some people, and could also be interpreted as emotionally abusive by people outside of the couple, which may result in more social hardships for the couple when having to explain why various invitations get turned down. In addition to this, there is the consideration that one or both members of the couple may even start to feel suffocated and held back in the relationship which also leads to social hardships between the couple. For non-monogamy; In theory, who your partner may decide to get sexual with outside of your primary bond should be of little concern for you, because the sex is strictly recreational and is not a threat to your relationship. However, if your partner is uncomfortable with the way you enjoy yourself with your new lover, especially if your new lover is capable of enduring certain sexual experiences that your partner does not have the stamina for, it can cause great levels of jealousy to muster. Another side effect that many people who experiment with non-monogamy tend not to be aware of: when a problem exists between how your partner relates to their new lover turns sour and they start fighting, it will actually have an effect on your own primary relationship. Few people going into it realize that when your partner breaks up with one of their lovers, it can feel like you and your partner may be experiencing the effects of a divorce as well…and you may not have even been involved in the relationship that ended! But neither relationship structure is better than the other. It is up to the couple to find the relationship structure that best works to meet their particular emotional needs and that also helps them keep what is important to them in the relationship. Simply put, you and your partner must look at what you both VALUE about the relationship structure that you are currently in, and to find ways to maintain what you VALUE about it, while at the same time find a balance with being able to explore. Both lifestyles, monogamous and non-monogamous, have their positive points and their negative attributes. Monogamy has fewer rules to understand, paternity of children is predictable, there are less people to take into consideration and there is little risk of sexual transmitted infections. However it is easier to take your partner for granted as you are not reminded of how much others may desire your partner, the restrictive rules may lead to resentment if either person starts to feel too constricted and monogamy requires work to keep building the relationship to continually be able to address each other’s emotional and sexual needs, as neither of you has the opportunity to have those needs addressed elsewhere. Non-monogamy lets the couple negotiate ways to keep sexual variety a priority in the relationship, gives the couple a chance to explore fantasies and experiences that being with just one partner could not fulfill, and can be a means to quash any incentive for infidelity or abandonment. Having a non-monogamous relationship can alleviate one partner from being asked to please the second partner in ways that that the second partner simply has no interest in. The first partner can have those experiences fulfilled by someone else, and help the second partner not feel guilty for not being interested in participating with the first partner. However whenever you involve new people into your existing love life, you also invite their personal issues. The people you may choose to associate with may not care as much about your primary relationship as you do. Sexual accidents like a condom breaking can force a couple to be very mindful of the dangers that safe sex is supposed to protect from, and you may also have to contend with your lover’s other lovers in ways you did not fully appreciate until it is too late. Commitment to your commitment is the key element in ANY transition a couple is going through. The decision to do whatever it takes to work it out and stay together It may take a long time to figure out how strict a monogamy you need to feel secure, or how freely open a non-monogamous relationship you can handle. In that time of experimenting, you must both prepare yourselves to forgive each other for the hurt you will each feel from the mistakes you both may make, and the unexpected consequences your new relationship rules may bring about. You may likely miss out on some major events that you later regret not taking part in because you were trying to establish a means of respect for your monogamy. You may end up going too far in your experimentation with non-monogamy and crossing a line that your partner and you were not clear on. Remember that this is just as much a learning journey as any, and your commitment to commitment may be the only thing that reminds you of why you entered the transition to begin with…to find a new way of staying together. Frank Kermit Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships (and how to Transition as a Couple)
in the Coaching Workbooks: I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time
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Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships in the Coaching Workbooks: I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time Couples in Transition By Frank Kermit When a couple is going through a change in the status of their relationship they are a couple in transition. This includes couples that are transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy, from non-monogamy to monogamy, and also covers life stages from new parenthood to entering the empty nest syndrome, as well as caring for an elderly parent or becoming a primary caregiver to your life partner. With each transition is a change in your individual identity and how you both may define yourself as a couple. What is important is that you and your partner manage realistic expectations of what will be affected by the transition and let go of any harboring resentment that partners may unknowingly start to feel against one another. No relationship structure is perfect. No relationship structure is better than the other. They all have their positives and negatives. The key is finding what relationship structure works best for your needs, managing the reality of that relationship structure, and use the transition to help make your relationship stronger. The primary reason that -Happily Ever After- does not exist in real life is because in real life change is constant (unlike a fairy tale fantasies where things can stay the same for a long time). From one year to the next, life has a way of putting you through traumatic events, bringing about tremendous loss as well as great fortune, and ironically presenting us with new opportunities that can be veiled as bad luck. Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries can be serene moments of reflection to take in what has and has not changed for a person, couple and family in the course of a year. There are times when we choose our transitions (like the active decision to invite a new child into the family). There are times when we do not choose our transition (such as an unforeseeable accident that leaves you or a loved one incapacitated and in the care of others). There are also transitions that we know are coming, but do not know when though have already agreed to accept for reasons such as feeling obligated, love or to keep a promise (just like when a widowed parent becomes unable to live alone and must move in with adult children and grandchildren). The fact is transitional stages in life are a given. How and when those transitions occur is less in our control. However, what is within our control is how we choose to manage our transition. One of the more dangerous elements of a transition is the RESENTMENT that can build up between couples. There is a difference between our intellectual understanding of a situation, and our emotional reactions to a situation. It is this RESENTMENT and how we manage it that will direct the future of our relationships. A person suddenly caught off guard and thrust into the emotional hardships of a transition, could easily direct lots of resentment against their own partner. For example, many new parents find themselves unready for the lack of sleep they experience caring for an infant. Intellectually they knew what to expect. However, the lack of sleep robs them of energy they normally use to manage their emotional state, and causes them to have a lot less patience with their partner's idiosyncrasies (including those particular partner quirks that they have originally find endearing or attractive). Many people are incredibly surprised to learn that they had emotional expectations that were different from their intellectual understandings. A person can intellectually understand that when they get married he or she is signing up for better or for worse, but when the -worse- part happens, and they can intellectually stay committed, that does not mean he or she is fully on board emotionally. In fact, it is likely that there could be some emotional resentment building that will surface as a fight, or a lack of interest, with the relationship partner. So if you find yourself feeling resentful of your partner for something related to a transition going on in your relationship or in life, you may want to consider examining exactly what your expectations were on an emotional level when you went into that relationship. If you were emotionally banking on a happily ever after, even if you intellectually knew better, the issue might be a simple lack of maturity that comes with the understanding about the reality of life and relationships. As I teach it, it takes more than love to make a long-term relationship work. It takes a commitment to commitment. Being committed to a person is fickle, as how you feel about the person could directly impact how you feel about keeping your commitment. However, if you practice being committed to your commitment, you may stand a higher chance of sticking it out and making the effort to manage your resentment when your emotional expectations are crash against the wall of disappointment. To all couples in transition, I urge you to hang in there. There is a future if you are willing to work through it. Frank Kermit Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships in the Coaching Workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time This is an excerpt of an passage from my books:
I'm A Woman, It's My Time (The Coaching Workbook for Women) and I'm A Man, That's My Job (The Coaching Workbook for Men) How To Deal With Toxic People By Frank Kermit Toxic people are defined in this article as people who lack the capacity to reason, or people who have the capacity to reason but just do not want to reason with you. In the hierarchy of relationships, the category for toxic people is the lowest category that exists. That is because when you identify someone as being a toxic individual, you do not invest any further time in dealing with that person, or at least any more time than you absolutely have to. When you encounter a toxic person in your life, and if you can completely cut that person out, then it is best do to so. When cutting someone out of your life, there are consequences, just like with every other decision you make in life. As Robert Ringer teaches, you choose your actions, but not the consequences of those actions. Be sure that you do not end up suffering more for getting rid of someone, than if you tolerated them. For example, if you work in an environment with a toxic co-worker, you may not be able to cut that person out of your life without quitting the job. However, the consequences of quitting your job may be worse than simply tolerating your co-worker, especially if you only have to deal with that co-worker in a limited capacity or if you are already looking for another job. When it comes to family, the same rules apply. If you cut out a member of your family for treating you in a toxic manner, you will have to deal with consequences that you may not have anticipated such as having other family members cut you out because they sided with that relative. For example, in some cases, a cousin may boycott you when that relative is present, but that same cousin may happily engage in communicating with you when that other relative is not around. Are you prepared for the consequences? Also, when it comes to toxic family members, keep in mind that the issue of having to interact with them after cutting them from your life, at functions such as weddings, funerals, and other events may be something you will have to deal with. In some cases, you may end up having to skip those weddings, funerals and other events. Are you prepared for the consequences? It is important to understand the difference between a good person who is acting in a toxic manner as a result of a bad day, or particularly challenging situation, and someone who lacks the capacity to reason with you on a consistent basis. In the case of a good person acting badly, take a pause, and show compassion. It will bring you and that person back to the level you originally connected on. If it is a matter that you are dealing with a consistently toxic person, there is no trying to reconcile or reason with that person. Just like a drug addict on a high, the ability for rational thought simply cannot cope with the state of intoxication. There is no point in even trying to figure out why a person is toxic, or just acts toxic with you. You will never get a satisfying answer, because by the very nature of being toxic, a toxic person is unable to explain such a reason. The best way to deal with a toxic person is not to deal with that person at all. Buy these books now: I'm A Woman, It's My Time (The Coaching Workbook for Women) and I'm A Man, That's My Job (The Coaching Workbook for Men) Frank Kermit With the holidays upon us, office holiday parties are underway. It is a time to be a little more social with the people you work with, in an atmosphere that is a little less work intensive. It can be a time to get to know your co-workers more personally, and employees at all levels of the organization can come together to share a little cheer. And what could be wrong with that? For the most part, it is a great idea. Some companies offer employees the chance to enjoy an afternoon off of work to intermingle during work hours (usually on work premises). Other companies want all employees to return to the job site in the evening, or they reserve a space at a local restaurant or other such venue. It is a nice gesture on behalf of the employer. However, whether you are single, dating someone very new, or in a serious relationship there are certain holiday office part etiquettes to adhere to. They all revolve around one key principle: You Are Still At Work. For everyone: Do not get drunk. Just because it is an open bar does not mean you have an excuse to over-indulge. “Free” does not mean drinking to the point that you cannot walk straight. Know your limit, or just refuse to drink alcohol. You will have to work with these people the rest of the year. An embarrassing drunken incident could be held against you. With that said about alcohol, keep in mind that it is the season for colds and infections. Keep that in mind if you are taking an anti-biotic or other medication. Some medications react with alcohol. Remember you are still at work. Leaving early is OK. If the holiday office party is taking place outside of normal work hours, it is OK to leave early. Not everyone has the same resources available, and if you are dependent on public transit, or you can only afford your babysitter for so long, or if you simply are not the kind of person that celebrates the holidays and want to leave before things get too uncomfortable for you, there is nothing wrong with excusing yourself early. Although some employers may push for you to stay out later than you can, it is up to you to do what is best for you and find a balance between your obligations to your employers and having your other needs met. For singles: Do not look at a holiday office party as an opportunity to get closer to someone that you are interested in at the office. An office holiday party is not a time to make a pass at anyone, nor should you aim to have a make out session in the corner at last call. This is not just another night out with your friends. Remember you are still at work Do not dress up like you are trying to score at a club. You are not there to bring in the New Year in with a kiss with one of your co-workers. Dress like you would for the office, or just a step above. This is not time to highlight your sex appeal. Remember you are still at work. For those just starting to date someone new: If you have just started to date someone new during, or right before, the holidays, it is not a good idea to bring your newest partner to any office holiday parties. The newer you are as a couple, the less ideal it is to bring your new partner to holiday office parties. You really may not be able to predict how your date will interact and react to your co-workers. Your co-workers may share information about you to your date that you have not yet shared which could make for an uncomfortable situation. Depending how newly you have started dating, your date could end up flirting with and going home with one of your co-workers (I have heard stories about it happening in my coaching practice). Keep this separate. Do not bring a new date just to show off to your co-workers, as this isn’t a juvenile social contest. Remember you are still at work. For those in serious relationships: Some offices try to involve the long-term life partners and spouses to office parties for various reasons (some of which may be to try to dissuade employees from fraternizing in ways that would be too inappropriate for the work place). If your office party is inviting partners and spouses, make sure that you and your partner are on the same page. If there is a co-worker that is toxic, make sure your spouse knows who it is, so that the toxic co-worker does not try to get information from your spouse to use against you. If there is a co-worker that has made advances towards you that you have rejected, talk to your spouse ahead of time to make sure you both can handle any potential awkwardness with maturity. Depending on the career, how a spouse can support a person’s career social environment could be a major factor in the motivation to get into a serious relationship. Office holiday parties are a good example of why you both need to be on the same page. Remember you are still at work. At best, a holiday office party can be a good memory of sharing joy with the people you work with. If you can’t manage that, at least make it something memorable enough for the right reasons. If you can’t manage that, then attempt to avoid making it memorable for all the wrong reasons. If you can’t manage that, you might be exploring your options in the New Year while on employment insurance. Happy Holidays! Remember you are still at work. Frank Kermit Let the Holiday Headaches Begin!
By Frank Kermit You have been dating your new partner for a few weeks now, and your timeline has stumbled upon the holiday season. The holiday season means parties. Family parties, company parties, client-related parties, friends-traveling into town for dinner parties…should you bring your new relationship partner with you? Or should you go solo and wait until next year? The answer is: It Depends. The criteria you need to consider before you bring your new partner to meet your friends, co-workers and especially your family at a function is if you are ready to go public with the nature of your relationship. That’s it. If you are not prepared to introduce your partner as “your partner”, you do not bring your partner along. And before the label-haters (those people that can not stand putting a label on their romantic exchanges) start gunning down my throat, consider this: It will be easier on you, your partner, and everyone that your partner will be introduced too. If you are not going to introduce your partner as your actual partner, then do not bring him or her. The worst thing you can do is to bring your partner to a function and introduce your partner to everyone there as your “friend”. First of all, introducing your partner as “your friend” makes it awkward for everyone. You are not fooling anyone. People will make three assumptions: (1) you are dating but do not want to admit it because there is something wrong with your relationship, (2) one of you wants to date the other but the other is not interested enough, or (3) you are both just pathetic because you would rather hang out with a platonic friend instead of making the effort to actually find your own legitimate partner. Which would you prefer? Personally, I have been in all three situations, and I can tell you from experience that none of them make you feel good at the end of the night. One of the stories I often hear during my coaching is about the person who brings a “friend” they are interested in to a function, like a work party, and end up having to bite their tongues when co-workers start to flirt, hit on and aggressively try to attract “the friend”. After all, if you aren’t willing to admit that you are more than “just friends” (or that you would want to be), then your “friend” is fair game. Do not put the focus of your affection into a potentially compromising social position. If you are still at the point of having to introduce your partner as “your friend” at any functions, then do everyone a favor: Wait until next year, and bring your partner along to the future holiday functions if you are still together, and publicly open as a couple. Frank Kermit This is a contributed post. Like pretty much everyone these days, the first thing you do after waking up is probably to reach for your phone, and immediately start replying to texts and checking social media updates. From then until you go back to sleep again, you’re probably using computers, tablets, and other digital devices, whether for personal or professional use. While the modern tech we have access to has done some amazing things, it’s also totally warped the way we think about human relationships. Here’s how… Dialogue Lacks Context This is an issue that we’ve all felt the effects of at one time or another. Often, communicating with someone via a digital medium makes it difficult or totally impossible to detect tone. It can often be very hard to tell when someone’s being sarcastic, sincere or funny, unless you’ve known them for most of your life. This becomes even more of a problem when you’re using online dating apps like Ok Cupid or Tinder to talk to someone completely through text, which may have something to do why more and more people are turning to free chat lines instead. Without the intonation of a voice, and facial expressions to some extent, it can be extremely hard to distinguish what a person says and what they mean. Too Much Tech Can Lead to Isolation While tech is just another tool for a lot of us, it’s become a full-blown addiction for some, particularly those in younger age groups. A frankly disturbing amount of kids these days are becoming inexorably attached to the various features and entertainment resources that modern tech offers, and gradually becoming more and more withdrawn from the real world. Instantaneous chats through social media, email and text are taking the place of physical, in-person interactions and discussions. In a world where it’s not necessary to leave the house in order to talk to people, a lot of people won’t! While this kind of isolation only gets truly severe in a handful of cases, it’s still a very real phenomenon, and one which can cripple some people’s social skills. Tech Has Accelerated the Development of Relationships I thought I’d round this post off with a more positive note. Over a third of marriages in the US now start online, and this figure isn’t expected to go down in the near future. While I couldn’t find anything on how fast these relationships went from introduction to mushy love messages, I’m willing to bet that technology speeds the development up significantly! With all the tech we have these days, we can wake up to texts from our partner, meet them at some point in the day, and then carry on our conversation with ease no matter where we are. While some would argue that this takes some of the excitement and magic out of a new relationship, I say that it’s brought people closer together. It’s now easier than ever to get to know someone over a much shorter period of time, and establish whether or not you’re right for each other.
Single Going Into The Holiday Season
By Frank Kermit The holidays can be a time of reflection for some to evaluate if they are where they would want to be with their love lives. Many people who are struggling can end up asking themselves questions such as: Why are all my friends in relationships, and I am still single? Why does she just want to be friends with me? Why won't he commitment to me? While the holidays are usually associated with great images of joyous celebration, and scenes of happiness surrounded by family and loved ones, not everyone feels festive, especially if they are still trying to find a soul mate to share the holidays with. The good news is that this is actually one of the BEST times of the year to go out to meet someone new to date. This is the time of year when people are usually the most open minded when it comes to trying to date different types of people than they previously dated beforehand for one simple reason: No one wants to be alone for the holidays. The pain of being alone as the holidays approach can be so fearfully devastating that some people may end up settling for less than what they want just so that they are not by themselves. In other cases some people even go back to an ex and an emotionally unhealthy relationship because of the convenience, than to face the holiday season without a partner. In fact, some people actually find dating an ex, even if the relationship was toxic and ended badly, more preferable than dealing with the awkwardness of starting to date someone new. Fear based decision making can lead to more mistakes so much easier than most people think. Here is a little exercise that you can do right now to avoid the pitfalls and mistakes singles tend to make going into the holiday season. I want you to imagine your IDEAL holiday celebration. For example, if you are afraid to be alone on New Year’s Eve without anyone to kiss at that first stroke of midnight, then sit down and visualize exactly what your IDEAL New Years Eve celebration would consist of. Do not focus on specific people. I want you to focus on YOU during those future projections. What are you wearing? What are you doing? How are you feeling? How do you look? What are you talking about? Are you putting your newly learned dance steps into practice trying to seduce the new love of your life on the dance floor that will lead to your first magical midnight New Years Eve kiss? Are you charismatically enticing someone using your new charming communication and graceful storytelling skills? Once you have that ideal in mind, work your way back to this moment in time to where you are right now, and ask yourself what you would have to do between now and that event to make your dream vision come true. Sign up for dance lessons? Learn the art of small talk? Pick out a venue and new outfit for that night? When you have an idea of where you want to end up, then you will better know what you need to do right now in order to get there. If you are alone as the holidays approach, EMBRACE it. You have a choice. You can either feel sorry for yourself, or you can start to take action today and focus on what you can do right now, to be able to attract someone new into your love life. Frank Kermit How Much Should You Care About What Other People Think?
By Frank Kermit There will be times when we want to do something in our lives that is meaningful to us. It could be a decision related to abandoning education, what career path to choose, what kind of person to date, changing something major in how we live, or even a new life experience to experiment with to see if it is for you. Each option that you consider can unto itself be overwhelming. However, if it is something that may have the consequence that others may not like you for doing it, it can make an overwhelming option a near impossible decision. With each new choice we make, there will be benefits and consequences. The benefits are usually easier to identify than the consequences. The one alarming factor in your internal debate is the fact that you do not actually control the consequences of your actions. However, when we believe that one of the consequences of our actions may be lack of approval from people, it can make going for what you want a harder decision. If what other people think of you is very important to you, it is likely going to be a huge factor in your decision making process. Sometimes, that can be a good thing, but it is not always as important as people think. Over the course of your life, it is YOU, and not anyone else that will bare the major burden of any decision you make. If you are going to take into account the opinions of others, it is important to keep in mind exactly how effective those "others" are in the ongoing process of your life. There are times when caring about what others think has incredibly good side effects. A teenager, who chooses not to experiment with drugs and avoids the whole drug culture because she worries about how her parents may disapprove, helps keep her safe. That is a good side effect. Caring about what your boss thinks about your conduct both in and out of the office is often necessary as it can have an impact on your ability to be promoted, and increase your earning potential. Not all approval seeking behaviors and decision-making is bad. When the negatives in your life outweigh the positives because you are caring about what others think, and put their approval ahead of your own happiness, that is when you are caring way too much. One of the lessons I teach people who are struggling with pursuing relationship goals is how to balance when to worry about what other people think, and when to just follow through on your interests. People tend to have more regrets about the things they did not do, or at least try, than to regret the things they did do and try, even if they failed at it. When you are trying to judge if you should care about what someone thinks; when you are trying to decide if you should go for it or not, you must ascertain whether or not their opinion actually has any legitimate and actually harmful consequences for you. Does the person in question have the power to ruin the quality of your life in a significant way? If the answer is no, then really, who cares what they think? If the answer is yes, then you have a choice to make to judge if the consequences would outweigh the benefits. For example: you want to drop out of college and start your own business. You have talked about this plan and a number of people think you are crazy, while others support the decision even if they do not agree, and still a few love the idea. All of this is in fact meaningless. The focus has to be on what are the consequences of this decision. If your parents are paying for your education and have told you that if you drop out they will no longer support you and that you would be financially on your own and have to move out of their basement, THAT is one of the consequences that needs to factor into your decision more than others. Are you ready to completely live on your own and support yourself while you pursue this new path? Not sure? In this case caring about what "they" think is important. Also note that if the handful of people who thought it was a great idea for you to pursue, but aren't actually going to help you, or support you in pursuing that dream, then their opinion is worthless. It does not matter if they think it is a good idea. As they are not offering any support for your cause either way, what they think is not something you ever need to care about. That is a key understanding many people miss out on. The idea that liking your idea without actually taking action to support you is as useless to care about as someone hating your idea but not doing anything to stop you from trying it. What about dating and relationships? What about sex? If you want to date someone that some of your friends and family thinks is a bad idea, what should you do? If you want to have sex in a way that you would be stigmatized for, what do you do? You balance the benefits and consequences, including how you will be able to live with yourself long term if you do not even try. It is this one element that can be the most devastating. In the short term it is easy to give up some pleasure in your life in order to keep the peace with the people you care about. However, in the long term, living for others and being self-sacrificing does not necessarily grant peace nor happiness. It is more likely to lead to a life of unfulfilled dreams and an abundance of resentment. There will be a consequence no matter what you do. There is ALWAYS a trade off. That is the way of life. There is no one direction that does not have some kind of bad string attached. It is about choosing the paths that have the bad strings you are able to live with. If you have sex when you want to, with who you want to, you will experience one of the great pleasures life has to offer, but you may also acquire the scorn of people who disapprove calling her a slut or him a sleaze. If you choose not to have sex to please those people, you are limiting some of the life experience and life lessons that comes from experience, which may be something you regret not doing down the road. Will it be comforting for you that you cared what others thought when you hit your mid-life crisis regretting all the things you missed out on? Only you can answer that truthfully. If you choose to go after your dreams there will be people who will HATE you for doing it if you succeed, and will HATE you if you fail; and there will always be consequences to just having dreams no matter what they are. Should you still have and go after your dreams? If you have relationships with individuals that some of your family and friends can not stand, you will have to deal with possibly being cut off from them and others you love that may be caught in the middle (like a younger relative that must obey their parents that no longer approve of you). However, you may very well have the main relationship partner of your life that addresses your most important emotional needs better than your friends and family ever could. Is it worth it? Only you can answer that truthfully. Then again, you could forget that potential partner and only date someone your friends and family do approve of that may or may not completely fulfill you. If you do, and given you keep your friends and family connections intact, it could seem like an acceptable trade off. Is it worth it? Only you can answer that truthfully. Or since you can't be with whom you really want, and you don't want to be with anyone else, you could just end up alone for the rest of your life. That way no one is happy, but no one is hurting...except for you. By putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own, you ARE hurting. It is just that it is not always easy to detect when you are being hurt since you are not in the habit of looking after your own needs. (Ouch, those a-ha moments sting don't they?) Whether "they" are strangers on the Internet who have nothing better to do than to troll your efforts and post negative comments, or if "they" are people that actually have the power to affect your ability to provide for yourself, the process is the same. Judge if the consequences are actually worth what you are getting for it. Over the course of time, your consequences change for certain decisions you make for yourself. The consequences of being an uneducated 19 year old, in a closed social circle, who is dependent on parents to survive is very different from the consequences you would have to deal with as an independent 35 year old adult, who owns a business, and does not care about breaking ties with close friends and family. So do keep in mind that how much you have to care about what others think will change over your lifespan, as your dependency on others change. One thing is for sure though. No matter what decision you take, YOU are still the one person that has to live with the full consequences of every decision you do make, and that you don't make, regardless if you cared about what other people think or not. Frank Kermit Re-Establishing Trust in a Relationship
By Frank Kermit Trust is one of the most important components of a relationship. Love is a great start, but it takes more than loving someone, or being loved by someone, to make a relationship work. But what happens when the trust in a relationship has been broken? Re-establishing trust can be a lengthy process. Depending on what area of trust was violated, and what a person's emotional expectations were, it is reasonable to expect that proving trustworthiness again may take a long time. One of the biggest misconceptions is that re-establishing trust happens over time. Although there is a correlation between re-establishing trust and the time that it takes, it does not mean that time alone is enough to fix the lack of trust that may exist in a relationship. What does help re-establish trust is being able to identify what the source of the break of trust is (i.e. a lie), and then coming to terms with what has to change so that particular breech of trust (i.e the same kind of lie) does not, and cannot, happen again. It is the evidence that new behavior patterns are in place so that the violation of trust is unable to occur again that will help re-establish trust. And THAT is what takes time. For example, an act of infidelity is a breech of trust. The first step is to find out what the circumstances were that brought on the infidelity. Was it an act of revenge on a partner? Was it an attraction from work that went unchecked during unsupervised overtime? Was alcohol involved thus lowering inhibitions? Was there a lack of sexual intimacy at home, which left a touch-starved partner to seek it elsewhere? In order for the couple to re-establish trust again, a behavior has to change so that, whatever it was that may have contributed or prompted the violation of trust has been removed. As they relate to the examples above, these actions could include replace a desire for revenge with compassion training, finding a new place of employment, eliminate drinking alcohol during social outings, or going to couples counseling to enhance sexual intimacy. That is what takes time. It is showing that the new behaviors have taken affect and that they have become new unconscious habits. As soon as that is proven through actions, THAT is when trust can be earned again. But what if it does not change? What if the new behavior (for example, changing employment) does not change your partner's cheating ways? At that point you have two options. One option is to see if the wrong source of the violation was identified, and to try a different source, and new combative behaviors. The other option is to change your expectations if such changes would be within your personal value system. Changing expectations is not easy. It means to learn to accept something that you previously were raging against. Some people find peace with changing their expectations and accepting a situation. It can actually be empowering for some people, because instead of raging against the issue and trying to change their partner, they accept it as part of being with their partner. However this does not always work long term. Usually, a person sets a boundary of expectation based on what they value, and trying to change that expectation means having to also re-evaluate their value system. Lastly, there is one final key element to consider. There are those people that have major trust issues in general. This means that if their trust is violated once, then even in the face of evidence that a new change has occurred and proof that their partner will not violate that particular trust again, these people are unable to let go of the violation. Being in a relationship means you WILL get hurt, and that your partner WILL make mistakes. If you are a person that has major trust issues, it is unlikely that the level of trust you will need in a relationship will ever be addressed, because over the course of a long-term relationship, your trust in your partner will be let down. Human beings are an imperfect lot. Your partner is going to goof, like forgetting to pick up those tickets to that special event you have been planning for 3 months. If you have such major trust issues that a situation of forgetting tickets will be met with that same reactions as an act of infidelity, then you will likely sabotage every good relationship that comes your way. Ironically, the only person that someone with major trust issues can date for any length of time is a compulsive lair who can artistically hide every small goof of trust he or she makes. Bottom line is that trust is an absolute requirement to make a long-term relationship work. If you do not have trust, you cannot have a relationship. At best, a relationship without trust is just a distraction from the rest of your life. That is escapism, not love. Frank Kermit The Scripts that Keep You Single
By Frank Kermit In some people, there is a script. The script is the story they have concocted about how they will meet that special someone and fall in love. Some scripts are more detailed than others covering specific lines that need to be said, or a certain situation that needs to be acted out, to make the scene perfect. Other scripts are a little more basic, drawing from archetype romantic story arcs, of candlelit dinners and moonlit walks. Whether the script is an elaborate five star production, or a simple outline of bullet points, there is one common element when I work with singles on their scripts. That common element is that many of the scripts that singles are following, are in part, the reason those individuals still remain single. One of the clearest examples of the script at work is when a single person contemplates new ways of meeting people. Each time a single person refutes a means to locate a potential life partner, because it doesn’t fit in with the way he or she imaged it occurring, they are deferring to the script that does not serve them. This includes when singles reject means such as blind dates, online dating, speed dating, match making, dating apps or dating a friend, because they are holding out to meet someone through serendipity and a fantasy fulfilling fairy tale; their make-believe script is actually killing their dreams of achieving a chart topping love story. What tends to turn people away from new ways of meeting potential life partners isn’t the technology, the taboo stigmas, or the potential dangers of meeting strangers. It is the fact that new ways of meeting people does not follow the scripts they have inside about the way it was SUPPOSE-TO-BE. This is an example of what is meant with the saying of “People Getting In Their Own Way”. There are also those times when a person’s script (the story of how the rest of their lives plays out) is downright damaging. Such as the single mother who refuses to believe that any man could be sexually faithful. Since she is already convinced that the story of her life is to continually be cheated on, chances are she will (likely unconsciously) enact certain choices of the men she dates to help make that script a reality. Or the man whose scripts insists that no woman would ever marry him for any reasons other than his bank account, would likely live out that script by only focusing on materialistic women to date, and (likely unconsciously) ignore or be turned off by the women that would actually be able to fall in love with his character. If you find yourself a struggling single, and are looking for ways to expand your horizons, then it is important to look at the synopsis of the script inside you and re-write the scripts that are working against you on the stage of life. Frank Kermit |
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