Blog of Frank Kermit of Frank Talks

Yes Sex Education - Ignorance is NOT Protection

5/2/2017

Yes For Sex Education Because Ignorance is NOT Protection

Ignorance is NOT a form of Protection
Sex Education in Schools is a MUST
By Frank Kermit

The following represents my opinion on the topic of sex education in elementary and high schools in general.

A question that I get a lot from my clients when coaching is,

“Why don’t they teach about relationships in school?”

Many of my clients are in their 20s, 30s and even 40s, and struggle with basic fundamental principles about how to relate to other human beings through romantic intention relationships.

The reason I give them, is that if they were to teach relationship skills in the classroom, they would then also have to teach about S-E-X because sex is part of having relationships.

Unfortunately, the topic of sex education in schools pushes a lot of people’s buttons, such that the only thing most education systems and parents want taught is abstinence, if anything about sex is taught at all.

Teaching abstinence, when some of the students are already sexual active and or are constantly bombarded with sexual influences including media, images, pop entertainment, and email links to porn sites

does not prepare young adults to be able to cope with sex and relationships.

Why do we need relationship and sex education now, when we did not seemingly need it before?

Actually, we have always needed it.

It is just that society has now changed in ways that make relationship and sex education a “must have.”

Once upon a time there were social norms that dictated what each person was expected to do, and what roles people were brought up to perform based on their gender.

Social norms simply told people what they could and could not do, if they were too seek out careers, hunt, provide, tend to the children, manage the home life, and what was expected of everyone sexually, including when sex was to occur, with whom, and under what conditions it was considered righteous.

Today, those social norms have been removed.

People have CHOICE.

The power to choose: who they partner with, what gender to partner with, how many to partner with over the course of their lives, if they want to terminate a partnership, and if they even choose not to enter partnerships at all.

Nowadays, people even have a choice if they want to live as, or transform their bodies into, a gender opposite the one they were born into.

Concepts like “’til death do us part”, the natural expectation of producing children and gender roles have been affected by legal divorce, birth control and human rights.

Today’s singles and couples have unlimited choice as to how they can manage their relationships and sex lives, but as I teach it:

The Power of Choice: without the knowledgeable skills to know what to do with that power, can lead to a misery so great, it can sometimes be worse than living in a system of oppression that meets human beings basic needs.

There was a time when ignorance was considered a form a protection. Some elderly adults I have spoken too talk about when they where children how discussions on the topics of puberty and menstruation cycle were never mentioned; At least not until AFTER a young lady had her first period.

By then the poor girl had to be reassured she was experiencing a normal process, even though the young lady was traumatized by the site of her own blood without a previous explanation of why it was happening to her.

The question remains:

Who exactly was being protected?

1-The children kept ignorant of their own bodily processes?

2-Or was it the parents and authority figures that were perhaps too embarrassed, ashamed, or fearful of what having those kinds of “talks” would represent?

Pretending that sex does not exist, nor not teaching children what sex is, will not in any way protect them from the potential threat of sexual abuse or online predators.

It is not just children that need relationship and sex education.

Studies show that 10% of all newly diagnosed AIDS cases in the USA are in heterosexual women over the age of 50. Yes, they too are at as much risk of sexually transmitted infections as anyone else.

Ignorance about sex and relationships is not a form of protection.

In the opinion of this author, it never was. However, ignorance has always been proven to be a key element in what perpetrators seek to identify in their potential victims. There is nothing endearing in keeping our people, young and old, naive about sexuality.

In fact, you are potentially sentencing them into the clutches of those individuals that would happily take advantage of it, or have them engage with others who are just as ignorant.

When my coaching clients ask,

“Do you think that status of relationship and sex education will change?”

all I can say is,

“I hope so.”

Frank Kermit

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Finding The Right Sex Toy For A Couple

4/26/2017

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Find The Right Sex Toys For A Couple by Dr Stacy Friedman

Safe Guard Your Lovers Pride

How to Find the Right Toy for a Couple
By Dr. Stacy Friedman

Whether you’re a beginner or more advanced in using adult toys, knowing what toy to bring into your relationship may be confusing.

Some people may feel that they are less of a lover or not capable enough to please their partner if they need or want to use toys,

but that can’t be further from the truth!

Toys are great if you want to spice things up!

They can enhance any relationship and can even help with difficulty in having orgasms.

When it comes to finding the right toys for a couple,

communication is important so you are both on the same page.

You need to see what the purpose of the toy is,

whether it’s just to try something new or if you struggle reaching orgasm and you want a toy to help.

.

Dress Up And Role Play

For The Beginners

Starting for the beginners, finding something a little more simple and less intimidating is key.

Then you can move to a few advanced ideas

Here are some tips
so you know what toys may be best for what you need.

1. Start with some lotions, oils or soy massage candles. A soy candle with the wax poured on the skin after the candle is blown out will not burn the skin but can be erotic, fun and can also be used as a massage oil. There are enhancing creams containing stimulating gel that increases the blood flow and gives a throbbing feel between your legs. Try some edible warming massage oil and lick it off the body. Yum! Don’t forget the lube. Lube makes everything glide better!

Lotions, and Lubes and Oils! Oh My!

Book For Beginners

2. My beginner go-to toy starts with a silver bullet. It’s called a silver bullet because that’s exactly what it looks like. It’s a stimulator that is used on the clit as it vibrates. It can also be used on the male’s perineum (area between the testicles and the anus) while giving oral sex for a heightened experience. Use it on the clit while having intercourse to enhance the sensation for those who struggle with vaginal orgasms.

3. The next thing you can use is a C-ring, which is great for men to keep the blood flow in the penis, which can help them last longer. If you get one with the bullet attached to the ring, it can help women have an orgasm through intercourse because it rubs on the clit as the man penetrates.

Penetrating Thoughts

Believe it or not 75% of women can’t have an orgasm through intercourse so this helps take some of the pressure off!

Just make sure lube is used when putting the ring on or it may not slide on very comfortably…ouch!

What's Your Fetish?

4. As you get more comfortable, you can bring in some light bondage such as handcuffs, rope ties and blindfolds. As long as both adults consent and you have trust in each other, then playing with these toys can be very erotic. When using these toys, you are taking away one or more of the senses so it allows the other senses to be more enhanced…very stimulating!

5. To the more advanced couple, you can try anal plugs or anal beads (they have vibrating ones too!) and try stimulating the forgotten pleasure zone…the anus! Get yourself some silicone lube, which is best to use on the backside and go slow, listen to your partner and how they are feeling, then continue playing around while the plug or beads are still inside.

Sensually Anal

The plug is a great prostate stimulator so anyone can enjoy anal play. Give some oral or have intercourse and then feel the intensity of your orgasm!

Don’t knock it until you try it!

The most important thing is deciding together, as a couple, what is best and just be open to trying something new. If it doesn’t work, then try something else but be open to variety, as it is the spice of life!

Written by: Dr. Stacy Friedman

About The Author

Dr. Stacy Friedman, DHS, CSC

Dr. Stacy is the founder of Creating Intimacy Coach, Inc. She got involved in the field of Clinical Sexology because of her passion for helping people learn to experience the best sexual intimacy with themselves and with their partner(s). She holds a Doctorate degree in Human Sexuality, a Masters in Clinical Sexology and is a Certified Sex Coach. Dr. Stacy is a member of WASC (World Association of Sex Coaches), and of the ACS (American College of Sexologists), which shows she has earned top credentials in her field. She also has a BA in Psychology and a Registered Diagnostic Medical and Vascular Sonographer.

Sex Coaching is designed to help women, men, and people of any sexual orientation or gender address their concerns about sexuality, sexual function and sexual expression. Additionally, since 2006, Dr. Stacy has been a consultant selling adult novelties and has coached and educated many people in a fun, positive approach to love, romance and in all aspects of sexuality. Her education and personal, spiritual and sexual journey, including life experience uniquely enables her to help people to face the challenges that may lie ahead and to achieve their goals.

If you would like to discuss a concern in greater detail, you may contact Dr. Stacy at 561-899-7669 or by email at Stacy@drstacy.org for a complimentary consultation. Dr. Stacy works with all aspects of sexuality and specializes in women’s issues, low libido, couples with mismatched sex drives and LGBTQ concerns. Coaching sessions are available by phone, Skype (international coaching is offered) and in office sessions located in South Florida, US.

www.DrStacy.org Your Creating Intimacy Coach
www.facebook.com/DrStacySexCoach
Twitter- DrStacySexCoach
LinkedIn- DrStacy

“My passion is to help you create yours” - Dr. Stacy xo

*************************************************

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The Importance Of Keeping Your Word

4/23/2017

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The Importance of Keeping Your Word
by Frank Kermit

It can happen sometimes where you make a promise
that you did not realize
you would not be able to keep.

We are human beings,
and when that happens,
it can be embarrassing.

Coaching Workbook For Men

But when the reason you break your word
is because

"you just don't feel like it"

or

"you just don't wanna"

the price for that is very, very high.

The cost of this kind of immature action is:

The Loss Of Your Credibility

It is important that when you have to break your word, that you at least offer the person whose trust you just violated, some kind of compensation.

It is still a means of value-for-value.

It you don't at least do the HUMAN thing
of trying to make up for it,

people will see you as UNETHICAL.

Learn The Ethics of Seduction

The Choice and How To Manage It

Immature and unethical behaviors aren't something you can get away with for very long.

When you are younger and the consequences are not so high, most people will just brush you off, and write you off.

Youth will not always protect you.

At some point, your repeating behavior pattern is going to cost you with people who would be in a position to help you will simply cut you out.

Quality people do not have time in their lives
for people that lack credibility.

So, when you give your word
and you reach a point where you have already benefited from the other person,
and you don't feel like reciprocating,

GROW UP.

The Autobiography of The Journey

Over 10 of the Top PUA's From the Community Wrote This Book

It is not about the fear of

Burning Your Bridges.

It is about becoming the kind of person

that is seen as more than possessing

the short-term thinking

of People Using Alibis.

If you want to be a Good Person

then start by being Good at keeping your word.

If you don't want someone to label you,
be sure you aren't acting in a way
that makes then need to in the first place.

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The Wedding Toast Speech

4/19/2017

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The Wedding Toast Speech
By Frank Kermit

Remember this day, your wedding day.

Not for the parties,
not for the extravagance,
nor the dinner and dancing,

but remember this day, your wedding day
because of the reasons you chose to marry your spouse.

Remember who is it that you picked to marry on this day,
and why you picked this person
over all other choices available.

Remember the reasons why you chose to get married
and how it fits in with your plans,
life goals
and why you decided
that the person that you wanted
as your spouse
was a reflection of everything you felt
is important to you enough
that you wanted to make him or her
part of your family.

Remember this day, your wedding day
That the ritual of the wedding
is more than just a celebration
of your new union.

It is to mark the change in your lives
as individual "I"'s
to a unified sign of a "we".

As a "we",
you call on all those people closest to you both
to witness and be a part of your togetherness,
in the hopes
that not only will they be celebrating your endeavor;
they will also be employed
in the ongoing support
of your new and future family.

Remember this day, their Wedding Day
To you: the wedding guests,
please know and remember
that your role in being present,
is more than the gifts you offer,
your toasting their happiness,
and your boost to start the new couple
in their new life together.

Your role as participants
in a wedding audience
is that you have also accepted a role
in the ongoing support
of the new couple
to help keep this new family together
through the hardships and triumphs
that life can
and will force upon us.

For better or for worse,
isn't just a saying.

It is a reminder.

Life gets very real
when you have someone else
to care for and think about.

If and when you are blessed with children,
the realness
of every decision you both make
is even more intense;

Remember this day, your wedding day,
as you both pledge
to do your best
to suffer them together,
and support each other,
even when either of you
happen be at your worst.

Remember this day, your wedding day
Because you BOTH
Will Make Mistakes

There will be times
you both will make mistakes,
when you both will etch
an emotional scar,
when you will have to deal
with financial worries,
mental health concerns,
new limits on your physical abilities,
accidents,
the challenges of well meaning people who love you,
who interfere more than help you,
having to move and change with the times,
and in the death
and passing of people close to you.

Remember This Day, Your Wedding Day,
As you both pass
into the next stage of your lifespan,
up to and even past the point
of being present for
the possible weddings of your own children
and grand children.

Remember this day, your wedding day,
Remember every reason you had
to make the commitment
to start this journey together,
knowing that life together
would NOT be easy
but that you still wanted
to go through with it.

Remember this day, your wedding day
because it was the event
you chose to create.

Remember the love
that brought you together,
the willingness to stand together,
and the drive behind
making your intent
to build a future together a public decree.

When either of you
are overwhelmed by life,
and it is likely to happen
more often than not
over the course of your lives together,
remember this day, your wedding day
to remind you
why you chose to make it happen.

Remember this day, your wedding day,
to help you build
and create a better future for the two of you,
through each and every new day
you decide to stay together
and honor the promise
as best you can
everyday.

So, Remember this day, your wedding day,
when some days are better,
when some days are worse,
and take it one day at a time.

-Frank Kermit

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The Power of the Yoga Community and the Drive-By-Divorce

4/11/2017

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The Power of the Yoga Community and the Drive-By Divorce

The Power of the Yoga Community and the Drive-By Divorce
By Carrie Joyner

The main idea when I created my yoga and fitness studio was to build a community of like-minded people; people who loved yoga, people who wanted to get healthy and fit and strong…mind, body and soul.

I had no idea how important this community would become to me until about 2 weeks after opening the doors and had just experienced a drive by divorce.

If you have ever started or owned a business, you probably know how stressful it is.

You bet it all on red, dedicate months or years (in my case it took about 2 years of planning, financing and finding the perfect location, location, location) to even get to the point where you could actually consider it being “in business”.

Add on to that the end of a marriage that involved a 4 year old son, and it was a recipe for disaster.

So what is a drive-by divorce?

It’s getting a text from your husband asking you to come outside at lunch time.

I told him to just come into the studio, I had a pole dancing class going on and wanted to make sure all went well.

Then it’s getting another text saying “please, it’s really important…”, so I went outside.

I was greeted by the black Mercedes SUV, opened the door, got in and found my now ex-husband staring at me with red eyes and tear stains on his custom fit Armani suit.

He didn’t say much as he drove literally to the other end of the parking lot, where he parked the car and looked at me and said “You aren’t in love with me anymore, and I am not in love with you…we are getting a divorce.”

Simple as that.

The conversation was a bit of a blur.

I remember it not being a conversation, more of a speech.

I asked him what his next move was, and he said it was to go home and get his stuff.

He was moving into a near-by hotel, it’s just over.

My only concern at this point was not me, but our son. I said “What about Shane? What do we tell Shane?” “Nothing”, he said, “tell him I am on a business trip until I figure it out.”

I got in my jeep and drove far, far away- not wanting my clients or staff to see me crying.
I headed to my best friends house on auto-pilot. She wasn’t there, so I headed back to the studio and did a few more hours of work like a robot.

I couldn’t think, move, feel….breathe.

It was a sucker punch to the heart.

I thought things were getting better, he said they were.

Apparently not.

The next few days were a blur.

I was in shock but trying to act like things were normal for my son, who was totally out of the loop.

Every morning I woke up, took my son to daycare, went to the studio and tried to get through the day.

Working on and at the studio proved to be the perfect distraction.

I was an open door kind of girl, and anyone- staff, client, teacher, etc. knew that they could always pop in and say hi or talk to me. This revolving door of mostly females became my tribe. Literally. I would tell them what was going on if they had the intuition or inclination to ask, and I would repeat the story a million times over.

Not only did I find women who had been through the same or a similar situation and even some men, but I found a sounding board and it became like therapy to me.

Between emotionally fuelled lawyer visits to trying to be zen and teaching my yoga classes, my studio became more than a studio.

It became my happy place.

When we were under construction, I wanted a big executive office in the back room with cameras and an intercom-but I ended up putting my tiny desk in a tiny closet right off the lounge and reception area, so I actually sacrificed luxury for the benefit of hearing every conversation, every client at the desk and being 10 feet away from my staff at any given time.

Which leads me to Merissa.

I heard a woman freaking out at the desk about a canceled Pilates class.

We used Mind Body software, which allowed us to see who had registered for what class, so if there was a cancellation for whatever reason, we could contact them to notify them of the cancellation. She did not register, but showed up at the “regular” time and was livid that the class had been cancelled.

I think the teacher was sick and we couldn’t find a sub. Whatever the case was, I decided to go out and talk to her. I asked her if she wanted some tea.

We sat in the lounge and sipped on tea as she vented about how far she’d come expecting to do her class and go home and make dinner.

I apologized, things happen sometimes that are out of control.

I guess she saw that I wasn’t my normal bubbly self and asked if I was alright.

I said no, not really.

I was a little overwhelmed with what had happened. I explained what I was going through and in the blink of an eye she went from an angry client to a person with the best words of advice I have yet to hear.

She told me about one of her best friends who had been married to a pilot, and he did the same thing.

In this case, there was another woman involved.

What she told me next wouldn’t change my life, but it did change my outlook on everything.

She said “the best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself and your son.

Get yourself into the best physical shape you have ever been in, focus on being happy and spoiling yourself.

Don’t do this to make him feel bad, do it to make you feel amazing and not sit there thinking about the why’s and the poor me’s.”

This did not make everything better. It did not change the situation or my grieving process.

But after Merissa, I talked to literally hundreds of women, of every age, who had similar stories.

I stopped feeling like I was the only person this had ever happened to.

I started to let go of the blame and anger and I started to feel really, really connected to every person who walked through my doors.

We all have a story.

We do.

Once we learn to embrace the fact that everyone is going through, has gone through, or will go through a life altering struggle- we become one.

That community that I started building became my pillar of strength in a trying time.

They say everything happens for a reason. I believe it.

-Carrie Joyner

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Day Of The Entrepreneur

4/10/2017

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Day of the Entrepreneur by Frank Kermit

Day Of The Entrepreneur
by Frank Kermit

There are no personal days
There are no sick days
There are no recovery days
There are no bereavement days

There are no fun days
There are no “me” days
There are no vacation days

There are no off days
There are no days off

There are no special days
There are no holidays
There are no family days
There are no birthdays
There are no wedding days
There are no funeral days

There are no Mondays
There are no Fridays
There are no weekdays
There are no weak days

There are no long weekends
There are no weekends
There are no mornings
There are no afternoons
There are no evenings
There are no late nights
There are no overnights

There are no happy days
There are no yesterdays
There are no good ole days
There is no tomorrow

There is only TODAY
Just a day when you either
Get to work so you can get-to-work
Or a day you do not get to work

Until ONE DAY
Everyday becomes A Personal Day
And that is THE DAY
Of The Entrepreneur

by Frank Kermit

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Towards Polyamory? A Personal and Unfinished Journey

4/8/2017

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Towards Polyamory? A Personal and Unfinished Journey

Towards Polyamory? A Personal And Unfinished Journey
By Ken

Polyamory is a new term and concept for me.

It has arisen in my consciousness as the result of an ongoing search for meaning in my life, and as a term that represents a new way of looking at relationships, commitment, fidelity, sexual freedom and personal values.

For me it encompasses feelings of fear and insecurity, but also feelings of belonging, connectedness and liberation from old patterns and stifling conventionalities.

I am thinking about polyamory, among a number of relationship options, as a viable and possibly joyful form of intimate engagement with others.

First, a bit of background.

I am a 64 year old gay man.

I came out in my late 40s – a late bloomer by any definition.

I had a good (sometimes very good) 27 year marriage with a loving woman, and together we raised two daughters.

However (and I suppose this is “a tale as old as time”, as the song goes) there were increasingly protracted periods of depression and frustration as it became clearer to me that this identity was untenable, and I left my marriage.

I set out on a new path.

In the meantime, I retired and moved from Saskatchewan to my place of birth, Nova Scotia.

Of course, leaving my identity in Saskatchewan as a heterosexual family man, as a worker and more recently as a member of a GLBTQ community, had its challenges and adaptations, but today I am in an almost 4 year relationship with a loving man.

However, there are still stirrings of discontent and frustration.

I am still on a journey of discovery, unpeeling layers of personal history - genetics, upbringing, the aging process - and within that context attempting to carve out a life that represents who I am.

Who, in fact, am I, and what do I want?

My partner and I introduced the idea of non-monogamy into our conversation about two years ago.

In those two years we have experimented, including others in our sexual lives, both separately and as a couple.

My partner wanted the experience of variety, and I wanted to find a less rigid and conventional means of expressing my sexuality.

We have stopped and started this process a couple of times, due primarily to my discomfort. We have very different views about sex.

For my partner, sex is sex, a recreational activity whose goal is mutual pleasure.

Nothing more.

It does not involve emotion or any level of commitment (other than the potential for FWB: Friends-with-benefits).

For me, sex is about connection and belonging, intimacy and meaning. Sex is about love and friendship and commitment.

So we come to polyamory, the concept of experiencing more than one intimate partner, of sharing lives in a deep and meaningful way with multiple participants, and of enlarging and engaging with one’s notion of relationship.

For me this is a fraught process.

The very idea of engaging intimately with someone other than one’s partner, and other than in fantasy, has been utterly foreign to me.

The process of expanding my sexual contacts has pushed so many buttons – insecurity, confidence, value judgements, fear, anxiety, aging and sexual performance, abandonment, aloneness, jealousy, social censure.

On the other hand, I firmly believe that we should never expect one person to satisfy all our needs – a huge responsibility to place on another’s shoulders, and an abrogation of our own responsibility for our own lives.

This part of my personal journey, undertaken at a time when many people are questioning the meaning of their lives as they settle into old age, remains unfinished.

In my worst moments, I feel a sense of extreme anxiety, and sadness and loss at the discarding of values and beliefs by which I was raised and to which I subscribed throughout my life.

In my best moments I look forward with optimism and excitement to the expansion of possibilities in relationship and connection.

Author Bio:

Ken was born and raised in Nova Scotia, and after working in Western Canada for almost 30 years, retired and returned home to the Halifax area. He is a painter, gardener, reader and cat herder.

Below are two youtube videos
of interviews Frank Kermit was involved with regarding Polyamory

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Protect Yourself From Toxic People

3/29/2017

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You Don't Have Time for Toxic People in Your Life

You Do Not Have Time For Toxic People
By Frank Kermit

When I lecture, coach or regularly talk on the radio about Toxic people,

I usually define Toxic people as lacking the capacity to reason, or people who have the capacity to reason but just do not want to reason with you.

I often advise that the best way to deal with a toxic person is not to deal with that person at all.

FrankTalks.com Coaching Workbook For Men

One of the principles I teach in my coaching workbooks for men and women, "I'm A Man, That's My Job" and "I'm a Woman, It's My Time" respectively is that you have to learn to deal with toxic people as part of learning to manage any successful relationship.

FrankTalks.com Coaching Workbook for Women

However, sometimes a “toxic” person may not be typically toxic at all.

In fact the person could be a very caring friend of yours that simply is giving you bad advice or encouraging you in ways that are not in your best long-term interest.

One of the Rules of Dating. Discover the other Rules of Dating here

A “toxic” person could also be someone that you love, who genuinely loves you back, but isn’t ready or interested in moving forward with you for any number of reasons.

Sometimes a toxic person is someone you are very close to, and can even count on, but who also brings out your worst attributes.

If you are single and interested in finding a serious relationship, it is very important that you keep toxic people (and those who are not toxic per se, but have a negative impact on your love life) as far away from you as possible.

Here are some examples

If you happen to be overly critical of yourself to the point that you continually put yourself down, or discourage yourself from trying new things, and there is someone around you that fuels these behaviors, that person may be toxic to you.

Even if the person pushes you in discouraging yourself from trying new things because that person just wants to protect your feelings in case those new things do not work out;

regardless of the intent, that person is holding you back and not doing you any real favours.

Learn To Calibrate to Toxic People

If you happen to start dating someone new and the chemistry is not exactly where you want it to be, and you decided to give your date a chance to let the chemistry develop over time because you really like your date and love all of your date’s other attributes

BUT your best friend tells you that you should dump your date, because you deserve better, and should never settle,

then your best friend may be toxic to you.

Maybe your best friend has your best interests at heart, or maybe your best friend is jealous of your date and doesn’t want to lose spending time with you.

Either way, if you have a chance at finding a decent partner to have a serious relationship, and a person in your life is pushing you to give it up before giving it a real chance, that person may be toxic for you.

If you are attempting to adopt a healthier lifestyle of eating better, exercising and reducing the amount of alcohol and junk food you eat, and a person in your life keeps trying to get you to go out places that encourage those behaviors you are trying to change, that person may be toxic for you.

The person could attempt to join you on your new outings that encourage your new sought out healthier lifestyle, but isn’t interested, and attempts to guilt you into going places you would rather stay away from, that person may be toxic for you.

Advice on Dealing with Toxic People

If you want to move forward in your life, it is going to involve some sacrifices

and one of those sacrifices might mean to spend less time with the toxic people in your life who, good intentions or not, hold you back.

There will be consequences such as some hurt feelings, and maybe a little resentment from the people that you put some distance with.

On the other hand,

the consequences might also include a newfound sense of adventure for life, new confidence in your ability to more forward, and even the best possible serious romantic relationship ever.

In the long term, it might be a pretty good trade.

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Q&A: Secret Past! Tell Him About Sex Tapes?

3/20/2017

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Q&A: Secret Past! Tell Him About Sex Tapes?

Secret Past! Does He Need To Know About Her Sex Tapes?
Q&A: Question and Answers

Dear Frank,

For almost 4 years I was involved with a man and we participated in BDSM. He was my master, and I his submissive. We had a very documented love life (he loved to record everything) especially when we played with others; more like when he let a number of others play with me. Anyways, that was a long time ago. I now live with my fiancé and he knows nothing about my past. He knows that I had one major relationship but does not know anything about the group sex, the BDSM or the videos. I ended up with most of those videos and photos I think, but not all (my Master still has a few). Also, I was blindfolded most of the time during group play, and although my master assures me that no one was was recording anything, there were times when it happened. I live with the secret fear that my fiancé might find my box of tapes and pictures and stuff. He is way conservative and would not understand. Can you suggest any place that I might store this so that he will come across it at home?
-Submissive Sindy

Dear Sindy

I knew a woman once that was in a similar situation. She was a swinger with her ex, and had exactly the same situation with videos and pictures, afraid that her husband would find them. She ended up giving her collection to a male friend of hers to hold on to so that she could get it back anytime she wanted, but it was not where her husband could get to it. Ironically, life being what it is, her and and the male friend have lost touch, and now she doesn't even have access to her videos and photos.

As I teach it during my pre-marriage coaching sessions as well as in my coaching workbook for women I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME EBOOK I would suggest that the BEST thing you can do is to tell your fiancé about your past BEFORE you get married.

Just as you would want to make an informed decision about who you are marrying, you owe your husband-to-be the same opportunity to make an informed decision.

You have a very simple, but difficult, choice to make.

If you are certain he would not marry you if he knew your past, end the engagement immediately. If he wouldn't marry you if he knew your past, do not marry him. A Broken Engagement is Better Than A Happy Divorce!

If there is a chance he might be able to handle and accept your past, tell him and give him the opportunity to accept you fully, and even though it may be a shock for him, it is better to do it this way.

At least if he knows about it, and it comes up from someone else in the future, he will not be caught off guard and made a bigger fool for you not telling him.

At some point, the chances are that it will come up.

No such thing as a happy divorce

If you have any friends that knew what you were into, it will come up (just like what started to happen to the lady I mentioned earlier that was previously involved with the swinger culture. She had friends from those circles that stayed in touch or would re-connect with past lovers, or just had platonic friends that knew the details of her past. She had to start cutting ties with everyone because some of her contacts were getting careless about what they mentioned around her and her new family.

Blindfold Sex Toy

Also as you mentioned in your question, you were blindfolded most of the time, and thus there are chances that there are videos and photos of you out there in the hands of people you do not even know. In fact, they might already be on the Internet as you have no control over what your ex (or others from the group activities) will do.

Bottom line is that, you cannot build a life with your new fiancé with this threat constantly hanging over you.

In the meanwhile, there are storage companies available (with the note that unless they are packaged and sealed, even the people storing them could view them. Make sure the photos and videos are labeled inconspicuously. There is always the option of destroying the material (burning would be best as you can not guarantee where just tossing them in the trash will land them).

I would not suggest giving them to any of your friends. Friendships come and go, and you might lose touch with them and not be able to retrieve your momenteos (just like the lady from swinger culture I mentioned earlier).

In this case, honesty really is your best policy if you want to build a solid foundation for a marriage. If this marriage could not handle honesty, it is not the marriage for you. Also, if you desire to ever explore this fetish and lifestyle again in the future, putting yourself in a marriage that could not allow it, would be a mistake.

-Frank Kermit

It is time to Take The Luck Out Of Love and sign up for Coaching.

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The 5 Million Dollar Game For Dating

3/19/2017

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The 5 Million Dollar Game For Dating

Compatible Financial Values in Relationships
By Frank Kermit

There are different ways that a person can show they love their families.

Not everyone feels comfortable verbally expressing feelings.

It is important for families to be aware that expressing love has many forms. Some people use words, some offer gifts, some show their love by staying up late at night perched at the window waiting for you to come home. One of the ways that people may express their love for one another is how they manage their finances towards their future relationship goals.

When I coach couples about to get married or who have the intent of become life partners, one of the areas I cover with them is the exploration of their compatible values, including their financial vales.

It is important that couples who are planning to build a future together, which may include planning to have children together (or coming to terms with how they will jointly raise any existing children from previous relationships) also talk about financial planning for their futures as well.

Planning to have children together? I get the couple to talk about a possible education fund, or the possibility of a trust fund. Some couples feel that it is a good idea, while others might feel that it is best to let their children earn and pay for their own education after high school.

Not everyone has the same financial value system, and it is important to know if the person you want to build a future with has similar financial values than you do.

Some people make home ownership a goal and thus make saving for a down payment very important, while others prefer to rent as a means of supporting the interests of their lifestyle.

Again, the issue is not about which set of values are appropriate or inappropriate, but whether you and your future life partner have similar and compatible financial values.

A fun game I have couples play together is the 5 Million-Dollar Question. I discuss this conversational game and more in my Ebook: 101 GREAT FIRST DATES - WHAT TO SAY EBOOK

I ask each individual in a couple to write down what they would do with their first million, their second million, their third million, their fourth million and their fifth million. The money could be from an earned income, a lottery win, an inheritance…that part does not matter.

What is key is that each person must write what he or she would do with the money as it came in, IN THE ORDER they would allocate the money.

What To Say On a First Date Ebook

A fun game I have couples play together is:

The 5 Million

Dollar Question

I discuss this conversational game
and more in my Ebook:
101 GREAT FIRST DATES - WHAT TO SAY EBOOK

The point of this game is to find out if the couples are financially compatible with their financial values.

A person who’s first plan for the incoming first million is to quit their job and go on an unplanned trip around the world (buying clothes and other necessities as needed) has a very different value system than the person who would first immediately pay off all debts. Again, this is not to judge the financial values of every person. It is about exploring if the person you plan to build a future with has similar and compatible financial values.

One thing is for certain.

The effects of incompatible financial values on the future of a relationship is no game at all.

It is time to Take The Luck Out Of Love and sign up for Coaching.

P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add?

Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.

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