Balancing The Good and Bad in Relationships
By Frank Kermit
There is going to be good and bad in every relationship you enter into.
It is important to be able to recognize the value that someone brings into your life, while at the same time acknowledge the negatives of being involved with that same person.
Defining the good and bad in your relationship is not an easy task. In fact, this is an area that people sometimes need an outside perspective such as a coach to provide an objective view.
There are times I have to point out to clients that their relational situation is actually pretty good and they simply do not fully appreciate their partners.
There are other times when I have be firm with a client to make him or her realize the red flags and hazard signals they are ignoring in staying in an emotionally unhealthy situation. Being able to recognize the good and bad in your relationship is a skill, and can be learned through practice.
A lot of it comes down to having certain standards in how you want to be treated, and sticking to those standards by enforcing your boundaries, even when it may be uncomfortable to do so.
What is most important to you? Someone being a great parent to your kids? Someone who is financially stable? Someone that has a certain status that will impress the people around you? Someone that is punctual? Someone that has a certain lifestyle you want as well? Someone that looks a certain way? Someone who is reliable and steady? Someone that is impulsive and exciting? Someone that is clean, sober and drug free? Someone that is sexual faithful? Someone that is sexually compatible with you? Someone that actually appreciates your flaws? Someone that knows when not to give in to your bad moods? Someone that can support your career aspirations? Someone who has a passion for a cause he or she is dedicated to?
It stands to reason that each of us wants all of those things. However, the reality is that it is very unlikely you will get everything you want in one person. It is more likely that you will end up with someone more compatible with your own imperfections. (Scary huh?)
In the end, only you can really decide if the good outweighs the bad, or if the bad outweighs the good in your relationship. Walking away from the bad is not so easy when the good you are getting is really good.
The longer you have been with someone, and the more you have invested into together (children, home, future plans), then sticking it out through some temporary rough patches that plague long term relationships may be acceptable as a necessary evil.
The best way to really set up relationship success is to aim for value-for-value relationships. Always look for a win-win exchange. When you get something for nothing, start offering more. When you are getting less than what you put in, ask for more or cut what you are offering. In the short term, you may have to deal with loss. In the long run, it will attract the best partners to you and bring better success.
In the simplest terms, when deciding if you should stay or if you should go in any relationship you enter; look at what is good about the relationship and what is bad about the relationship. If the bad outweighs the good, then no matter how good it is, it is still bad. And if the good outweighs the bad, then no matter how bad it is, it is still good.
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