Open Letter To Incels
**The word "Incel" is short for "Involuntary Celibate". These individuals are usually male, adult aged, who for a number of reasons, have been unable to find a partner to engage in sexual activity with. Originally the term was used by both men and women (actually it was originally coined by a woman) to identity themselves and share their stories online. However, in more recent times the term incel has come to represent a particular sub section of the incel community, whose frustration with their inability to connect and engage with sexual partners has ignited a deep sense of hatred and violence. However, not all incels are blinded by hatred and willing to commit acts of violence. Most just want a girlfriend and struggle to figure out how to attract one. Incels are also called true forced loneliness
I think I know you a little bit. Not just because I coach so many of you (coaching adult male virgins is a major portion of my practice) over the last 15 years, but because I was once you.
Yes, I was once an incel.
All I ever wanted in high school was a girlfriend.
In college, I had my first breakdown because more than anything I just wanted a girlfriend, but it was always the same story with the same old speech.
"I don't want to hurt your feelings, it's just that I think we would be better as just friends"
"I like you, but as a friend" or "You're just not my type"
Even when I did finally manage to get my first couple of hit and miss girlfriends and lovers, I eventually hit another rock bottom when my ex-fiance left me for my best friend, and endured
A 5 YEAR DRY SPELL OF NO SEX
before I finally started to have
what I would consider a successful sex life.
When I wrote my book The Adult Male Virgin Handbook, I shared these stories (and more) because I wanted to let the adult male virgins (some of whom identify as incels) out there know that you are not alone in your struggle with loneliness.
I hear your frustration, and I can relate to it. I used to feel the same frustrations many years ago. I found a way out of the world of involuntary celibacy, and was able to achieve an active dating and sex life. I want to tell you that you can do that too.
The first issue to address with your frustration is that you are correct that our society and the rules of dating are changing, and as a result it is becoming more challenging for many people to connect. I want you to know that the changes that are happening are not your fault, or something that you can control.
When you live in a society where the dating rules are constantly changing, it can make anyone starved for a sexual connection feel very deprived.
There is an ANSWER, and I AM going to give it to you.
I have been where you are incel, close to blowing a gasket. I thought about committing suicide at that time in my life because I couldn't figure out WHY I simply couldn't get a girlfriend?
The night that I stopped to face my suicidal thoughts,
I made a life changing decision:
I was either going to figure out
how to attract a woman,
(even with all of my faults),
or I was going to kill myself.
There is an ANSWER; and I AM going to give it to you.
The incel that inspired me to write this article was quoted as saying he was concerned about being slapped in the face for trying to meet women and unintentionally saying the wrong thing.
Perhaps you also are afraid of being slapped for approaching a woman and asking her out on a date. Are you saying that you have tried being social, and have gotten slapped? Or, do you want to try being social but are so worried about getting slapped, that you hold yourself back?
If you are not taking any actions
that got you slapped,
you might be letting your fear of rejection
unnecessarily influence you.
When it comes to rejection, what we can imagine happening, is often worse that what will actually happen.
If you are holding yourself back from being social with women because you fear rejection, (i.e. getting slapped) or you fear hurting women, that is normal. No one likes to risk rejection.
Rejection never feels good.
If you want an active sex life,
you are going to have to
risk some rejection.
If part of what is holding you back, is that you do not want to annoy, bother or offend women, that is a good trait to have. That is good news because it means that you are already mindful of not wanting to hurt women, and at least you can trust your intent.
You need to learn some basic skills:
If women have slapped you in your attempts to approach and connect with them, perhaps it is not something you actually said, but something in the way you came across non-verbally, that would merit a slap.
It should be noted that I do not condone violence, and I don’t think that violence in the form of a slap is acceptable.
However, when feeling threatened, many people resort to violence as a means of self-protection.
If you were my client, we would work together to do an analysis of your overall approach and behaviors.
There are times when a professional outside view is required in order to examine what you are doing, and how you come across to others.
It is a way to bring to your attention things about your non-verbal, and sub-communication that you may not even be aware of.
If women slap you, you need to see what it is you are doing, (or not doing) that is making women feel unsafe with you.
You need to become aware of the things you are doing
that trigger a woman to be afraid of you.
When you stop the behaviors that trigger
unsafe feelings in women,
and instead, learn to address her Emotional Needs,
you will be in a better position to connect.
Some men I have coached have had no problems getting first dates. They are often blessed with great genes (very good looking), and they are physically fit, and yet they have lots of first (and only) dates but very few second dates, and no steady girlfriends to ever speak of.
I had a client who was a 44-year-old virgin by the time he reached out to me, and as you can imagine he was at his wits end! One of his frustrations was that he had no idea why it was so easy for him to initially attract women, but then they would find excuses to end the dates early, or avoid his calls all together when he tried to set up a second date.
We worked together to analyze his behavior and communication skills.
I often will have clients go through a “mock” date with me, so I can study their communication skills.
What was revealed with this client was that he was acting in a way that scared women.
Here are 5 examples of how he scared women:
Did this man get help and change his life for the better?
He had to work at it but in 90 Days he lost his virginity!
He went on to have a regular friends-with-benefits following the rules of casual sex relationships
Check out this link to learn the rules of Friends-With-Benefits
The greatest success story of a man losing his virginity was this one guy that, as an adult, did not want to reach his next birthday and still be a virgin.
So he decided to give up his 2 week vacation from work, and instead of going on a trip to somewhere warmer, he stayed home, and studied my materials for adult male virgins, 10 hours a day for the entire 2 week vacation.
He filled out the work books, tweaked and re-tweaked his online dating profiles, wrote out his personal stories, practice them in front of the mirror as well as whatever women he would correspond with online, and as he learned more, he went back and re-checked his communications.
On the 14th day, the last Sunday before returning to his full time job on Monday, he met up with a girl that afternoon that he met online, spent the day with her addressing emotional needs, and that night, he lost his virginity to her and she became his girlfriend.
Yes, he was lucky enough to meet her at the right time, but he also created his own luck by working hard and being prepared for those moments in your life, when the world puts opportunity in front of you.
Every now and then, the world WILL give you such opportunities. It is up to you to be ready for them; ready to recognize them and ready to make the most of them.
Now then, for anyone reading this who thinks I am down playing how dangerous incels can be, I assure you, I know all too well. I have helped a lot of men what were adult male virgins, some of whom identified as incels on the verge of giving up all hope and doing something dangerous just to have some measure of self-reflective significance. I have also been the target of incels that have threatened to do me harm.
When certain individuals are entrenched in their world view, no matter how miserable they may feel, it can be too scary to step away from that world view, as the world view has become intertwined with their sense of self-identity.
At that point, they would reject any measure of healing because the healing would interfere with their sense of security; a security based on their sense of knowing how the world works and knowing their place in it (which as horrible and lonely a place it actually is, feels more comfortable, than having to change their world view, and thus challenging their established self-identity as victims.
like any system of oppression,
can be like a big security blanket
as the devil you know and hate,
can still be comfortably wrapped around you,
from the UNKNOWN.
This UNKNOWN could be heavenly salvation,
or just worse level of hell.
Those that seek a path out of hell,
must venture through the UNKNOWN,
whether or not
they are ready to make that journey.
To the incels that just want regular casual sex,
here is where you start:
Question: How do we make connections for casual sex?
Consider the following questions:
Focus on what you have to offer before focusing on what you want to get.
There is more to having a full sex life
than just learning how to approach women.
It is a lifestyle that requires effort.
Have you invested in the work that this lifestyle requires prior to you finding a sex partner?
For example, you will need extra toothbrushes, clean towels, and other toiletries for overnight guest lovers. Did you think of that, and stock up?
Does your place have candles and other items to enhance a romantic atmosphere?
Investing the work into making your home presentable and seductive will help you feel more confident about what you offer, and help you in your initial conversations and approaches.
Put the time in to prepare yourself for future sex encounters.
Study sex-education materials to make you a better lover.
Do you know the anatomy of a woman's body and how to stimulate her sexually?
Do you know how to communicate with your future sexual partner to find out what she does and does not enjoy during foreplay?
Have you learned how to give a relaxing massage for foreplay?
Once you have completed the above tasks,
you are now ready to start seeking out sexual partners.
Question: Where do you meet women for Casual Sex?
It is easier to find people who are already like minded, rather than trying to convert people to your way of thinking.
If you only want a series of casual encounters, you need to reach out to place where people who seek casual encounters go.
Consider looking at the places or websites they would frequent.
In every single case you will be expected to follow the rules of the event or space in terms of how you interact with the existing membership.
Follow the rules (provided they match with your own personal moral code). If they are counter to your own moral code, then it is best to find another group, or start one of your own.
If you want to be part of any particular community, take the time to research what that community has and see if you actually want to take part.
Sometimes, you can know simply by doing the research required.
Sometimes, you need to have conversations with people that are active participants to see if it is for you.
Sometimes, you just need to go and see it for yourself.
Do you know yourself?
Do you trust yourself to be open to learning the different ways a person can experience a casual sex lifestyle?
You need to know what you want.
Right now, you may be too touch-starved to really know what you want. On the surface you may think you only want nameless sex.
While coaching, many men I have coached have struggled with getting sex, never mind getting a girlfriend.
During the process of working with them, they often get to the point where they finally have the opportunity to have exactly what they want, and then they self-sabotage.
I had a client who insisted that he only wanted anonymous one-night stands. One evening, (Feeling confident after his coaching with me), he met a very pretty woman interested in having a one-night stand with him. He was finally presented with the opportunity he had desired.
He quickly made up an excuse that he was not attracted to her (a lie), and left before anything happened!
He discovered that although he did want sex, he hated the fact that he did not know her at all, so he lied to her because he didn’t want to admit that after everything he professed about just wanting sex, in the end, what he wanted more than sex was actually a girlfriend that would tell him she loved him when he lost his virginity with her.
Do not be that guy.
Do not be the guy that lies to himself, and then lies to women (telling her that he is not attracted to her when he was) to get himself out of situations he was not ready to handle emotionally.
Take the time to really figure out what you want out of an active love life.
There are a lot of choices available to you. From a series of one-night stands, friends-with-benefits, casual girlfriends, serious girlfriends, and different relationship structures: from the strictest monogamous rules, to the most open and rule-free non-monogamous (and a number of levels of commitments in between).
The power of all this choice, without the skills to know what to do with it, can lead you back to the same kind of misery that is pushing you to seek out the sex to begin with.
To figure out what kind of sex and sexual life you want, you start with learning about yourself, and I am going to help you do that, so that you do not waste your time by being taken advantage of would-be mentors like I was.
Why I do Not Advocate Street Approaches
Approaching women whom you find attractive who are walking on the street is unlikely to yield you any satisfactory results.
They are strangers to you and you don’t know anything about them. While it is true that daytime (day game) approaches tend to be better received than approaching women at night who are out about town, if the person has activities scheduled during the day (e.g. working a day job or going to school) a daytime approach to a stranger is unlikely to yield immediate results.
In addition, if you are looking for something specific like a series of casual encounters, you will have to play a numbers game until you find a woman that wants what you want, is just as attracted to you as you are to her, and who is sexually available.
Even some of the most successful day game artists out there, only get a 3% success rate. That means they have to engage 100 women to get 3 of them to agree to meet again, and then there is still no guarantee of sex.
It is not calibrated to make a direct street approach to strangers in public to state that you are looking for sexual encounters.
That type of behavior is creepy.
There is nothing wrong with you as a human being having a desire for sex, but because there are already designated spaces for you to meet like-minded people, this sort of direct approach will most likely not be received well.
If you were to take an indirect approach instead, such as talking about the weather (and other non-sexual topics) and you also attempt to get a woman’s contact information, you still have to gauge their interest in the kind of casual, sexual relationship you seek. As she may not be interested at all, it is not the most efficient means of meeting women.
To sum it up my opinion, conducting mass amounts of street approaches to strangers is not the most efficient means of meeting partners for casual sex. And if you are socially awkward, you might end up making your situation worse, if you say and or something really inappropriate (and depending where you live and what the laws are, even illegal).
There are too many other ways to meet new people, that you do not have to resort to mass street approaches, at least until you can trust yourself to behave in a manner that will not make your situation worse.
Just to be clear, I do not advocate street approaches to ANYONE just starting out. Street approaches are the LAST thing to attempt for anyone on this journey (incel or not).
There is nothing wrong with them, it is just not the most efficient means of meeting new sexual partners (because just being able to approach is not enough).
There is still having to be able to attract someone, screening if they are someone you would be into, and being able to keep their interest after you are not speaking with them.
Question: What NOT to Say?
You have a right to feel hurt, angry, frustrated, and deprived.
However, if you let your negative emotions control your communication and behavior this much, you are communicating in a way that will turn off the very people that would want to either help you, or have sex with you.
The most unattractive thing a nice guy can do is to complain about everything he is not getting because he is a nice guy.
Focus your communication on what you have to offer, and what’s in it for her, instead of how horrible people are for not seeing what you have to offer to begin with.
There is an ANSWER; and I AM going to give it to you.
I am hoping you will reach out because deep down inside, there is a part of you that does NOT want to become that misogynist monster.
Somewhere under the deprived frustration of your situation is still a good man that just wants answers and to feel confident with women.
In honor of that, I want to offer you, and all men like you something.
Here is a FREE eBook to help you get started on your journey to help you learn about yourself, and learn how to get ready to set up the love life you have been wanting for so long, but were too much of a social misfit to build.
This eBook covers how to set boundaries for yourself so that women cannot abuse nor take advantage of you.
This eBook will teach you how to learn about your own base life philosophies and explains to you how they are important to making sure you never feel this hurt and alone ever again.
This eBook will give you the tools so that you can judge for yourself, without anyone else having to tell you, how to conduct yourself in public so that you can get the things you want from life.
It is my nearly 600 pages, coaching eBook workbook for men.
It is for men just like you.
"I'm a Man, That's My Job"
Go to this link to sign up and get the eBook:
Here is a review from a former incel that I helped.
A Review of How the Frank's system prevented a mass shooting:
During some of my worst years in high school, I planned out scenarios to go down in history in a blaze of gunfire somewhere like my school, taking as many women with me as I could who rejected me. Even during college I questioned doing the same.
If I had not discovered
(Frank Kermit's Emotional Needs Analysis material),
I may have done just that
and shot a group of women I did not know.
Before I started studying with Frank
(direct coaching for having confidence
and reading the emotional needs material),
I remember just feeling a lot of low self worth at that time, and even after having had sex a few times it was still something that floated around. I had a lot more anger towards women back then, and I think a lot of it was just my own self-hatred really coming out and being misdirected at hating women.
I feel like the Emotional Needs Analysis coaching system helped me realize what was actually going through the heads of women, and understood why they were rejecting me. I couldn't be so resentful towards women anymore when I could understand their perspective, and how they were looking at the world.
When I would be rejected before I would often
feel like women as a whole were at fault.
After the Emotional Needs Analysis I understood
that I was the one who was turning them off.
I traded in my anger so I could
date multiple women at the same time,
and have experienced a lifestyle that back
then I could only dream of.
Today I am in an open relationship
with a hot goth girl who is perfect for me.
She adores me and she likes to have sex with women
as much as I do.
I never thought this would be my real life now.
Thank You Frank! I bet you saved a lot more lives that you think.
-Review from "Clyde", former MGTOW INCEL
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
I wish you peace, healing and amazing sex.
Dr. Laurie Betito Quotes