Introducing Sex Toys for Couples in Transition

Couples in Transition: Couples and Sex Toys
By Frank Kermit
 
Couples who are looking for ways to spice up the sex life, may at times be interested in experimenting with using sex toys.  In this context, sex toys can be referred to, as “marital aids” as in they are objects that are suppose to help aid a challenge in the marriage including adding something interesting to what may have become a routine and perhaps repetitive sex life lacking in novelty.
 
Some of the more recognizable sex toys are designed to imitate and bear a resemblance to human genitals.  Some vibrate, some do not, some expand into bigger sizes when in use, while others may constrict and tighten.  They all have one common purpose…to bring an element of spark back into your sex life as a couple.
 
One of the questions I get asked by couples that are struggling to decide if they want to experiment with sex toys is related to the concern that using a sex toy is akin to cheating on a partner.  So, are using sex toys a form of non-monogamy? After all, if you do use a sex toy, you are then having sex with something other than or (depending on the circumstances) in addition too, you partner…are you still a monogamous couple?  In my experience, this directly relates to how the couple in transition sees sex toys. 
 
Are sex toys an extension of an existing sex life between the couple? Are sex toys a potential threat to the existing sex life between the couple? The answer to both is, yes it can be, depending on the couple.  Some couples define the idea of using sex toys as a private sexual act that they share within the boundaries of their intimacy with each other.  Other couples may view sex toys like a gateway drug leading the couple to be tempted to achieve more intense sexual highs through a variety of means including involving other people. Be sure that both you and your partner are ready to talk about the effects of any emotional reactions to using sex toys that you both may not yet expect.
 
One of the negative aspects of using sex toys is the unpredictable nature of how a partner may react to the effects sex toys has on a relationship. For example, a man may experience a sense of inferiority when he witnesses how enjoyable it may be for his wife to use a vibrator on herself to help her reach an orgasm. A woman may worry that her husband does not desire her further when he uses a triple crown in order to maintain an erection and intensify his orgasm in a way that he is not able to experience with her. 
 
It is of primary importance that the use of sex toys be reserved as a means of creating intimacy within the couples, instead of being viewed as sex toys being a replacement for either partner.  For first time couples using sex toys, it is important to remember to reassure your partner that sexual pleasure is not a replacement for the emotional fulfillment of a life partner.
 
The other negative aspect of using sex toys is the potential desensitizing that can occur.  Constant use of artificial sexual stimulus (vibrators, suction pumps, sleeves) may actually dull the body’s ability to physically respond to actual human contact.  In short, once your body becomes too accustom to achieving climax using any particular device, it may continue to do so to the point where, an actual human body part simply will not be enough.
 
The human body, with all the imperfect textures, odors, and tastes that the human body comes with, learns to react through repetition and association.  What you are neutral on or (in extreme cases) what turns you off today may be the only thing that can turn you on tomorrow if you regularly experience sexual climax with it, and your body makes a direct association. 
 
A colleague of mine who is a hypnotist sometimes deals with clients who are seeking ways to be hypnotized into being able to feel bodily sensations during sex without the need of sex toys. 
 
For these reasons (and others not listed here) one of the biggest challenges for couples to explore using sex toys is how to initially bring it up in conversation.  It takes a couple secure in their relationship to discuss partner’s sexual interests and desires. 
 
Such conversations may be difficult as the nature of the discussion is about making a change in the couple’s sex life, which may or may not be in trouble.  However, if your sex life (and or your marriage for that matter) is in trouble, then whether or not you get the sex toys is irrelevant. What is important is to start talking about it, before a fear of conflict turns a deflated banana dong into an elephant in the room. At that point, the real threat to the relationship is the lack of communication, not the transitioning sex life.

There are positive elements to using sex toys.  For some couples it is a safe way to explore what it would feel like to have a third person in the bedroom, without the threat of someone stealing your partner.  Some people experience compassion instead of jealousy or low self esteem as they experience an empathic sexual enjoyment when someone they care about is experiencing sexual enjoyment. 
 
Some people just get turned on using sex toys on each other as it helps re-affirm a partner as a sexual being again…a status that may have been lost or buried when husband and wife become mom and dad.  For couples experiencing health issues, sex toys are a means to enjoying sex again and a means to feel they are still able to satisfy their partners, without compromising what they are physically capable of enduring.
 
Sex toys can be an enjoyable experience, and help bring a new level of intimacy for couples that may be in a transitory phase of their relationship. But just like experiments with non-monogamy (bringing in a third person, or another couple into the bedroom) the quality of the experience and whether or not it helps strengthen or destroy the relationship is less about the sex toys or the extra people in the sexual activity; it is about how well the couples prepare themselves in advance for the thrills, spills, canyons and bumps of sexploration. Happy Journeys!
 
Frank Kermit