How Soon Is Too Soon For Sex?

    Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships (and How Soon Is Too Soon For Sex)
in the Coaching Workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job       and      I'm A Woman, It's My Time

Sexual Compatibility When Dating
By Frank Kermit
 
Sex. How scary the word can be when having to discuss your sexual boundaries with someone new that you are dating.
 
A common question, I am asked by singles that are aiming to figure out the dating rules, is:
 
How soon is too soon for adults to start having sex when dating someone new?
 
Some schools of thought suggest waiting on having sex with someone new until you have gotten to know the person better.
 
This method helps stave off getting too attached to someone too soon, as having sex can increase attachment for some people. It is believed that holding off also helps discourage people who pretend to seek something more meaningful but that just wanted sex, and will abandon partners right after sex.
 
Other schools of thought suggest that having sex right away works best.
 
This method gets the sex out of the way so that neither person is pre-occupied with sexual anticipation, and prevents either partner from building up what the sex could be like in their fantasies, which may come crashing down when the reality of sex happens.
It is also believed that having sex right away helps discover if you have sexual chemistry, which for some people is very important to the long term success of the relationships they seek.
 
In the end, it comes down to sexual values and finding someone that has similar values to you, in order to best make it work.
 
There is nothing wrong with waiting for sex, or having sex right away, as long as, you are acting congruently within the boundaries of your sexual values. It is important that you seek a partner that has compatible sexual values as you do.
 
The trouble exists where people have hypocrisies in their personal value structure. A person who wants sex right away, but condemns any partner that willingly has sex right away has a hypocrisy that needs to be resolved.
 
A person that believes that sex is a special intimate act that should only take place after two people have gotten to know one another over a longer period of time, but then rationalizes that a one night stand with a stranger does not count also has a hypocrisy that needs to be resolved.
 
These become very challenging if and when you have children with someone that you do not share similar sexual values, as conflicts will arise when it is time for the sex education of your children about sexual values.
 
It is up to you to come to terms with your own sexual values and to eliminate any personal hypocrisy you may have about sex.
 
Seeking someone with sexually compatible beliefs is much more important than trying to follow rules for yourself that may conflict with the way you really feel about sex.
 
It is for no one to judge you for your desires, and the best way to protect your freedom to choose for yourself, is to set an example, and not judge others for choosing differently for themselves.
 
Frank Kermit

  Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships (and how to Transition as a Couple)
in the Coaching Workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job       and      I'm A Woman, It's My Time