A Relationship is:
Acceptance at the Worst, Loving at the Best
By Frank Kermit
 
At a workshop I hosted  I issued one of my famous Frankisms that seemed to really resonate with the attendees. I was trying to convey the importance of sticking to your own rules and boundaries when you are in a relationship, to the point where, you may very well have to walk away from someone you care for deeply (maybe even love) if you are unable to accept the worst parts of your partner.
 
Frankism: "If you are unable to accept your partner at his or her worst, then it does not matter how much you love your partner at his or her best."
 
Sometimes we end up dating people, and fall into committed relationships without meaning too. We start dating casually, not really sure if there is any real future, but being with somebody is better than being with nobody. Then you show up at a party together, and someone puts you both on the spot asking if you are a couple yet or not...and not wanting to sound pathetic or inappropriate, you both confirm that you are in fact a couple (regardless that neither of you spoke about it beforehand)...and there you have it!
 
You are now in a relationship that really hasn't got there on its own merit. But again, being with somebody is better than being with nobody. Maybe if you get more serious, you will end up liking each other more and your partner will change all the things he or she does that you hate. Sounds plausible, right? Wish it were as plausible as it sounds my dear reader.
 
It is easy to base the success of your relationship on all the things you love about your partner. That is where most people start to fantasize (er, um, we mean plan right? Right? Planning, not fantasizing right?) about the kind of future you can build with your partner.
 
The reality is that loving what is best about your partner is not where the success of your long-term relationship solely grows from. The success of your long-term relationship is just as rooted (if not more so) in being able to accept your partner at his or her worst.
 
So, what is the worst thing about your partner? Does your partner forget to bathe regularly? Does your partner refuse to take better care of his or her health? Does your partner get annoying on purpose because of the "fun" way the veins pop out in your neck? Is your partner unable to keep a job? Is your partner a nail biter? Does your partner get snarky to the point of being abusive when feeling under the weather? Does your partner act like a people pleaser and then blow up at you unexpectedly in public? Is your partner simply unable to be sexually faithful to you? Does your partner drink excessively, or is a drug addict of some kind?
 
Forget about what is great about your partner; Find out what is the worst of the worst in terms of what you will have to deal with if you continue seeing your partner. If you have any doubt about what you can handle, stay out of a serious relationship with that person.

A broken engagement is better than a happy divorce.
 
A part of the workshop also covered the topic of how:

"Understanding does not Equal Acceptance".
 
Just because you can understand that your partner may treat you poorly because your partner had a rough upbringing does not mean that it makes the abusive behaviors any more acceptable. You can intellectually understand the source of your partner's pain and the roots of the bad repeating behavior patterns, however, that does not demand that you fully accept it, and invite that aspect into your life through your life partner.
 
When the worst, is worse than the best-of-the-best you are getting, then the end result of the relationship is that it is still worse to stay with your partner than it would be to find someone better

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Is Your Fantasy Keeping You Single?
Holding Out for a Fantasy when Dating
By Frank Kermit
 

Fantasies can be fun. Imagining new adventures, exploring new life times, pretending to envision the effects of choices you could have or still can make, is a wondrous way to see what your life could be like.
 
In dating, however, those same warm, wonderful fantasies could be at the very source of why a person perpetually remains single.
 
Holding out for a fantasy is one of the mistakes that singles make that keeps them single. This is not to be confused with a person who has such high standards that he or she ends up just too picky to end their stay in the world of singledom.
 
Although both have roots in unreasonable expectations, the difference here is that a person with higher standards may have not yet made the interrogation of figuring out what they have as an absolute boundary, and what is merely a preference for their love life.
 
A person who is holding out for a fantasy is trapped in a dream world, clinging to the hope that a mere mortal human being will do impossible feats (such as agree with everything you say, and hang on your every whim, and only live to serve your needs).
 
The fantasy holder is willing to pass up real people who are good candidates for dating because of the real flaws that all humans have.
 
Some people who are trapped holding out for a fantasy may have been hypnotizing themselves for years (even from the time of their childhood) of what their future soul mate will look like, pegged that person’s career or social status, and have already planned out how they will meet, to the point where they scripted the entire perfect dialogue of what that person will say to ignite the ultimate chemistry.
 
(Evidently, a decently good-looking stranger approaching them in regular conversation saying they should hang out is just not good enough to merit a chat over a cup of coffee.)
 
The fantasy is like an award nominated story, turned into an award-winning movie with just the right mix of romance, suspense, drama, passion and of course, humor.
 
Almost brings a tear to the eye, at the euphoric climatic moment of the fantasy when the chance meeting turns into true love. Sadly, however, when fantasy comes crashing into concrete reality, reality tends to win.
 
There is no real human being that can win when in competition with an internal fantasy. Human beings, and for that matter real life, simply cannot beat a succulent well-crafted fantasy of dating love and romance.
 
Real human beings do real things like blow their nose, get nervous, sweat, and have their own unique idiosyncrasies that can be charming in their own right, but generally a potential turn off if unknowingly going up against a hot brash fantasy concoction.
 
Singles, who are drunk on their own fantasy potion, tend to remain single. 
 
Perhaps that is a good thing, as it takes a certain level of maturity to merit a serious long term relationship, and a person lost in a fantasy world of how dating is supposed to be, tends not to be the kind of partner that can be counted on, regardless of how well intention-ed their hearts might be.
 
Stay real people.


 
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Understanding and Letting Go of Unrequited Love
Mourning The Dream:  Getting Over The Fantasy
By Frank Kermit
 
When you are mourning the loss of a relationship due to break up or divorce, or the death of loved one, the mourning process is the same. Getting used to the "new normal" of not having that person around, even if you did not always get along, requires a period of mourning. In this respect, we mourn what was familiar to us, not necessarily what was great about the previous situation.

But what happens when what we are mourning never actually existed?
 
There is someone you like. That person is special to you. You spend lots of time imagining what it is going to be like when the two of you finally have your moment and date. It is a wonderful dream.

Yet, it may happen that when you finally make your interests known to the person, that you get rejected. Oh well. In this situation, most people get a little disappointed, shrug it off, and move on and look for someone else that will appreciate him or her.

But-Not-You.

You are heartbroken, feeling the same intensity as if you had been violated by a long-term relationship partner. You felt like it SHOULD have worked out! It SHOULD have been perfect! You SHOULD have ended up together!
 
Why would this rejection hurt almost as much, if not more, than if you were actually dating and broke up?
 
The answer is that the dream you created of the two of you together was as real to you as any other aspect of reality. Instead of separating the illusions and fantasy of your dream together, from the fact that the two of you never even started to date, you likely allowed yourself to accept the dream of who that other person was, and use the symbolic dream, as a real life experience to base your expectations on. THAT is why it hurts so much more than it merits.


How does someone get over it?
 

One of the ways a person can get over this kind of pain is to mourn the dream. Whatever actions you would normally take to mourn the death of a person; take those same actions to mourn the dream you built up in your mind. Writing out the experience, doing something to commemorate the dream, following a ritual of your faith are all examples. Yes, it may seem silly, but some healing methods are silly when you are not used to paying attention to emotional core hurts. It is easy to say that we should not have created the dream to begin with; however the point is moot, since you are already there.
 
The next time you like someone, and if you have a choice to either ask out that person as soon as you can, or wait on it and spend too much time creating a dream of the future that does not exist, choose to ask out the person as soon as you can. It will save you a lot of hurt if and when things do not work out.

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When To Listen To Your Heart
By Frank Kermit
 

Some time ago, a client whose love life was a little messed up, asked me why it was so, given that she always listened to her heart.
 
After all, isn’t that what people are supposed to do when it comes to romance relationships?  Isn’t listening to your heart the best way to find the correct and clear answers?
 
In my experience, the only honest response I could offer her was, “Well, it depends.”
 

The notion that a person’s heart will always lead them to what is best for them is a wonderful idea. In practicality however, it is nothing more than an intellectual construct. 
 

Not because the heart of a person would not know, but because it depends on what that heart happens to already know.
 

Just because something feels right, does not make it the right choice to make, if your heart hasn’t learned what is in your actual best interest. 
 

The heart wants what it wants. Just like a child that has yet to mature, and allow for life experience to take effect, to gradually teach the child (and the heart of a child) about what it should want for itself.
 

Basically, if your heart wants something that is actually the worst possible choice for you, your heart might not share that little secret, because your heart just does not know any better.
 

With that said, there are times when what your heart is telling you simply cannot be neglected. If your heart does not tell you directly, it may signal something to you intuitively.
 

That gnawing feeling that there is something you have to acknowledge, even if you are unable to articulate it. That kind of instinct can, when properly active, lead you to where you were meant to be. 
 

However, even if your heart intuition happens to be correct in one area of your life, for example, a career decision, an educational path, your health management, or the choice of a life partner and future parent of your children, does not automatically mean that your heart can guide you in any other particular area. 
 

No matter what your particular expertise and where you happen to have succeeded previously listening to your heart, it is not necessarily an indication that your heart knows best for the other areas of your life.
 

The best indicator of whether or not you should listen to your heart is your heart’s past performance in that particular area of your life. 
 

If your heart has always guided you well in financial areas in the past, you have evidence that you can likely trust your heart to guide you in the near future. 
 

If your heart has led you astray in your quest to find a loving relationship and stable commitment partner, then that is the tell tale sign that listening to your heart could be the last thing you should do at this point in time.


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Starting Over after V-day?
 By Frank Kermit
 

Valentine's day can be a day of reckoning for some people. Meaning, the events leading up to, on the day of, and afterwards can really wreck your life. This is one of the reasons I often refer to Valentine's Day as "V-day". Aside from being a day where romantically involved people are encouraged (expected? pressured?) to express their affections for one another, V-day is also a day of reflect, where people reassess their romantic relations (or lack thereof).
 


If they are single, it reminds them of the pleasures that come with being with someone. If they are already attached, a re-evaluation is in order, which could lead to a break up and starting all over again, having to meet someone new, and go through the ups and downs (and the honeymoon phase) to the point where you get comfortable enough that when V-day strikes again, you see if your current relationship can survive the new re-evaluation. Any wonders why there is a growing trend of anti-Valentines day parties emerging to mark the day?
 


For some, starting over may include deciding to actively pursue the end of their residence in the realm of Singledom. To make the firm decision that they will make whatever efforts are needed to put themselves out there, meet new people, become more socially calibrated, develop a little charisma and meet someone they can have a functional relationship with.
 


It is not just about Starting Over from a previous relationship, it may very well be about completely Starting Over and learning to have a life with passion.
 


For those of you starting over, here is something to keep in mind: One of the Frank Secrets of Success is that you do not wait to "feel like it" before you do it. You do it, whether or not you feel like it. That means if you have the choice of staying home or going out to meet people, you Get-Out-There even if you don't feel like going anywhere.
 


Staying at home and feeling sorry for yourself will keep you at home feeling sorry for yourself. This could also mean to start letting your friends and family know that you are ready and open to meeting someone, and giving any potential partner introduced to you the opportunity of at least one date to sweep you off your feet, regardless if your first impression of that person is less than exciting.
 


One date does not make a relationship, and the sooner you get out there and discover new people, the sooner you will meet a future soul mate. If the date goes nowhere, no worries! You got out there, likely learned something new about yourself and hopefully had a little fun in the process.
 


I have had some bad V-days and some good V-days. The most horrible was the V-day that I lost one of my most serious long-term partners, which cut me deeply.
 


However, one of the more intriguing V-days was the one that hosted my first venture into a Fetish Night Club. I was alone at the time (having my lover end it with me over the phone) and figured that I had a choice. I could stay home and sulk, or head out and try something new. So I made a firm choice to try something new and educated myself about a different lifestyle. Am I suggesting that you all go to a Fetish Night Club? Nope. What I am suggesting is that if there is something that you have been meaning to try, the transition period of starting over is a great time to try it.
 


That does not mean you will automatically find what you are looking for. In fact, all you may find out is that those things that you thought you were interested in aren't really all that you had hoped. If nothing else it could be an exercise in the process of elimination about what you do and do not actually like.
 


However, even that kind of process is still a step forward and it means that you will be a step closer to finding the real you. When you find the real you, then finding your relationship true, will be a result of paying your self-discovery dues.
 


I wish you all an emotionally healthy V-day recovery!



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Single and Celebrating Valentine’s
By Frank Kermit
 
It’s almost Valentine’s Day (V-Day), and you are single and that is OK. No, really. There is no sin to being single on any day of the year, V-day or not.
 
This is no time for individuals to belittle themselves, just because the people in relationships around them get a reminder to celebrate being a couple. In fact, just because people are involved romantically, does not guarantee they are any happier than those people who are single and loving it. Do not get caught up in any marketing campaigns that are designed to make you feel less of a person just because you are in-between relationships, or that you find yourself more content just being on your own. 
 
Valentine’s Day is a great day to remind couples to appreciate each other and to give them an excuse to show each other affection. (With that said, it is important to point out that many breakups actually occur on V-day because that same reminder also points out to some couples they are better off single). Valentine’s Day is also a great day to celebrate your love for yourself, and to make yourself happy for a day as well.
 
Being single on Valentine’s Day can be an adventure if you choose to make it such. Is there something you have been meaning to try, but never get around to doing it? Is there a new restaurant that you have been meaning to check out?  A movie still in theaters you couldn’t get anyone to go see with you? A gift for yourself that you wanted to buy but felt it was not the right time to acquire it? Are there places you have been eagerly tempted to visit, but were waiting for the right person to attend with you, just to share in the possible taboo? Well, stop waiting.
 
Do it today. Do it for yourself. Do it because you matter and you are worth it.  You do not need to be seeing someone else to do all the things you held off doing.  You are allowed to do it, now, today, being single, and just do it for you.
 
You always have the power of choice.
 
You can choose to let V-day get to you in the worse possible ways, and fall victim to the pity-party that has sparked so many Anti-Valentine’s Day sentiments…or you can choose to be happy for those who celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone they like, and be compassionate and nurturing to yourself, and make it a special  “I love me” day, whether or not you are looking for someone to celebrate Valentine’s Day with you next year.
 
Celebrate you! Celebrate being single! Just because it is V-day does not mean you have to feel down about yourself in any respect. It is a time when you must appreciate everything you’ve got going in your life, and to be positive towards yourself, single or not.


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 When The Ex is Hard To Forget
World Does Not Stop For Your Broken Heart
By Frank Kermit
 
When your ex is too hard to forget, what becomes too easy to forget is: that the rest of the world is not going to stop while you nurse your broken heart. The rest of the world, and the people around you, will continue to go through life’s ups and downs. One of the shockers for people with major broken hearts is that when they start to come out of the spell of hurt they are under, they sometimes are amazed at how much life has changed around them and they did not notice until now. It is like waking up from a bad dream, but you were never actually asleep, and now you also feel like you need to mourn the lost time of being so broken hearted, that you put your own life on hold.

If you are suffering from a broken heart, here are some tips for getting over an ex so that you do not lose any more time than you have to.


1. Create new memories

If you and your ex used to dance to a particular song, dance with every new date you get to that song. If you and your ex used to frequent a particular restaurant, then go there with every new date you have. With each new person that you see, you create memories to help combat how you filter your past memories with your ex. That “special something” that you only did with your ex, stops being so “special”. It also loses its power to remind you of the pain of missing your ex.
 

2. No bad mouthing the ex

Bad mouthing your ex doesn’t help you deal with the pain of missing your ex. It may feel like it does at first. Bad mouthing another person can make you feel like you have a little power and control in the moment because it brings about feelings of anger and hatred. However, all that does is keep you feeling pain about your ex. Yes, your ex may have wronged you, but continuing to bad mouth your ex keeps the hate alive, and also halts you from feeling good with new love. Hate breeds more hate, and makes you forget how to love.


3. The realization that if it was meant to be, it would have been
 
“But if I just did this one thing different…but if my ex just didn’t do that thing…but if one of us had just decided something different….but…but…but”. STOP! There is NO but…but…but. If the two of you were suppose to stay together, then nothing would have split the two of you up romantically. Mistakes are going to happen, and every relationship faces obstacles. No one has an “easy” relationship.
 
The best of couples will find themselves struggling sometimes just to connect emotionally when life gets in the way. And I do mean the BEST of couples. If you and your ex were “meant to be” then you would “still be”. The fact that the two of you could not survive whatever it was that caused the split; then it simply could not work out in any case being the two people you both are at this time.


4. Take the time to mourn the future

One of the areas that many people do not give proper credence is that in order to get over your ex, you have to mourn the future you have built up in your head about your ex. When you are in a relationship, it is normal to imagine what your future will be like with that person. This can include, where you are going to live together, marriage, having kids, grand kids, growing old together…well here is how you deal with that: You must understand that there is the conscious mind that knows the difference between fantasy and reality and then there is the sub conscious mind that believes that both fantasy and reality are actually one and the same.
 
On a sub conscious level, you FEEL like you and your ex have already been together as long as you have fantasized about, even if you have only dated a short time. When you break up, it is important to mourn the loss of that fantasy future you built up just as much as you mourn the loss of the real relationship, because there is a part of you that FEELS the fantasy future was as real as it gets. The loss of the relationship is not the only thing that you need to grieve for. There is the loss of the future you dreamed about too.

If you have ever been in love and lost that love, then you know the heart break of not being able to forget an ex.


5. Deconstruct the ex symbol
 
Often times, one of the biggest challenges in getting over an ex, is that your ex became a symbol. There is your ex, the human being…and then your ex, the symbol. When the person you are dating becomes a symbol for some greater cause that you attach to that person, that symbol will still exist in your mind, even if you break up, and can last long after your ex is gone from your life. For example, if dating a specific person became a symbol of your own self worth, then when you stop dating that person, your self worth will be attacked.
 
So let’s say that you always felt bad about yourself and have very low self esteem…but one day you end up in a relationship with a person that you feel is “the best thing” that you could ever hope for in dating. If that “best thing” becomes your symbol to mean that you are a worthwhile human being because you are dating your partner…it is only a matter of time, before your own self worth issues surface and maybe even cause you to self sabotage your relationship. Once your partner becomes your ex, you may not just have to mourn the loss of your partner in your life, but you may have to also deal with how your ex as a symbol, changes the way you see, feel and think about yourself.
 
Be with a person, because you actually want to be with that person, and not because that person symbolizes to the world, your peers, your family, or whomever else you are trying to get approval from, that you are “worthy”. The richest man loving you, nor the most beautiful women loving you will NEVER make you feel worthy of anything, if you don’t already feel you are worthy of loving yourself first.
 

6. Date other people
 
It is normal to want to isolate yourself when dealing with heartbreak. Just because it is normal, does not mean it is the correct thing to do. If you are nursing a broken heart, and someone wants to date you, then get out there and date.

Be careful not to try to take out your frustrations regarding your ex on the new person you date. If you are unable to do that, then wait. Once you do get to the point where you can appreciate the new people in your life that want to woo you, then let someone woo you…or be wooed by you.
 
Everyone has a clock that is ticking. We are all running out of time. You have a choice of how to spend a portion of your time. You can choose to be alone and feel sorry for yourself, or you can choose to make the effort to find new people to connect with and share yourself.


7. Stop spending time/communicating with ex, get used to the new normal
 
Life without the ex is all about getting used to the “new normal”. This process is also taught to people that are suffering from massive grief when a loved one dies. Although the emotions, and some of the healing process may be similar, there is one underlying difference. Your ex is not dead; only your relationship with your ex is dead. For this reason, it is only natural that you would want to stay in touch with the ex, and want to keep your ex in your life. At first, it does make the pain easier to deal with…it also helps keep the hope alive that the two of you might rekindle. But what happens when there is no rekindling of the relationship? You are then going to have to deal with the full brunt of the pain you have been avoiding, as well as the pain of having stayed in contact.

This does not mean to become enemies with your ex. It does mean that you need to take time away from your ex, until you get used to not having your ex as your partner. The sooner you get used to the new normal of life without your ex, the sooner you and your ex can actually be friendly with one another in the future.


8. There is something you needed to learn…figure it out
 
There is one common element in every single relationship you have ever had. It’s YOU. When a relationship ends, the most important thing you can do is look for the lesson for you to learn, so that you do not make any of the same mistakes again.
 
Did you think you could handle a particular element of your relationship, and ended up learning that you aren’t as liberal or open-minded as you would like to think? Did you date someone that had values that were so different from yours, and you didn’t think it was a big deal, until after you got more serious? Did your instincts scream not to get involved and you learned to trust your gut more? Maybe you learned that your gut instincts are actually wrong and that you shouldn’t trust it when choosing a relationship partner.
 
Regardless of how the relationship ended, the fact is, it ended. Even in the best of circumstances where the two of you broke up very amicably and simply weren’t compatible, there is still a lesson to learn…and the biggest lesson is figuring out how to read the signs that you would not work out in such a relationship, so that you don’t end up seriously dating someone with a similar personality as that of your ex.


9. Stop the desire for revenge

Sharing secrets you promised never to share, or passing around intimate photos and videos you made with your ex to get them back, is one of the worst things you can do. Not just because it is wrong, but also because in doing so, you will end up having to relive the pain of the break up, to keep you feeling that your acts of vengeance are justified. One thing is for certain…if you continue to aim for revenge, the on thing that will absolutely keep is the hurt. Revenge doesn’t always balance out the hurt…it can sometimes be the source of keeping the hurt burning.

No matter how things ended, seeking revenge rarely takes the pain away. It just perpetuates the pain. Revenge only makes a person feel some sense of power and control for a moment…and when the moment passes, it leaves the revenge seeker feeling even emptier. If a person makes the right move, they stay away from revenge. If the person makes the wrong move, they try to seek out getting an even more despicable revenge thinking that it will sooth them of their growing emptiness. Take my word for it…taking revenge on an ex rarely makes things better.


10. Forgive yourself to find closure

Forgive yourself. Forgive the mistakes you made in the relationship. Forgive your part in the break up. Forgive yourself for choosing to date your ex to begin with. Forgive yourself for having a relationship that ended. Forgive yourself for being human. Forgive yourself for not being perfect at relationships. Forgive yourself for making your ex cry, hurt or mourn. Forgive yourself for not knowing how to make that relationship work. Forgive yourself for the time you might feel you wasted with your ex. Forgive yourself for everything you are still angry with yourself for regarding the relationship.
 
I have often found that when you reach a point where you can learn from your relationship mistakes and can trust yourself not to make those same mistakes again, that is when people can forgive themselves. In self-forgiveness people find the closure they seek. You will not find closure from your ex. You find closure from within.