Date: September 2, 2012,  Title: J.W.S - The Frank Project
Frank Kermit makes his 1st appearance on Joseph W. South - The Frank Project episode #099, which is a both a blog and a Podcast entitled Man Up Talk Radio. This is the first of a 3-part appearance. Episode #100 and #101 to be released at a later time. On this episode, J.W.S. asks Frank about his educational and experiential background. Also discussed are Drama Therapy and how it's used to help people overcome relationship trauma. How Frank accidentally got into the Dating and Relationship Advice business, mistakes he made, and how he re-calibrated for business success. From loneliness and suicidal thoughts to a happy life, fantastic success with women. From victim mentality to taking full responsibility for everything in your life. Joseph W South is the co-author of the book Practical Female Psychology for the Practical Man and producer and host of this podcast. Originally recorded in June 2012  

Date: February 2007, Title: Payton Kane of Seduce and Conquer
Frank Kermit makes an appearance as one of the few relationship expert guests ever on the show Seduce and Conquer show hosted by Payton Kane about his journey From Loser To Seducer.  

  Kelly Alexander is a veteran of Montreal's and Toronto's radio scenes. Kelly is living her dream. In time, Kelly found herself back home, in Montreal, where she jumped into many radio shoes, including co-host of a local morning show, traffic reporter for a variety of stations, and rocketing to her own midday program! Kelly's success in radio continues, and is thrilled to expand her horizons by launching the Kelly Alexander Show podcast.

Date: Jan 4 2016, Title: Passion New Years Eve Week
Frank Kermit makes his 104th appearance on the CJAD 800 AM program Passion on Jan 4, 2016 to talk about news years resolutions and dating. On this show, guest host Kelly Alexander and Frank talk about Polyamory vs Monogamy - Secondary vs Primary relations, A BF being pursed by his female friend and should his gf set an ultimatum? getting over a traumatic break up, older women dating younger men, age gap dating, how not to get used in dating, a couple that fights and then he cheats, online dating profile advice, should a man leave his family and his wife of 15 yrs, can people stay friends after being friends with benefits, how to help a guy (25) that cannot find a GF good enough, why everyone gets one date, top dating resolutions for the new year and what a husband who gained weight can do when his wife rejects him.

Date: March 17, 2015, Title: Passion, Trouble Tuesday monthly feature
Frank Kermit fills in for Dr Laurie Betito to take calls and texts from listeners. Topics discussed are Open Marriage Dating, being a father figure to kids of a Lesbian couple, revealing past abuse to new lovers, a tribute to a deceased fan, how to handle special days and holidays when you are dating multiple people, conversations for a first date, pre marriage counseling coaching, when your girlfriend goes through your phone, addicted to an ex, and if and when you should reveal past abuse to a new lover and partner.
Also, guest host Kelly Alexander (from The Kelly Alexander Show Podcast) and Frank reunite again for the second time. This is the 27th time Kelly interviews Frank, but only the second time that it happens on CJAD 800 AM

 Date: February 4, 2015, Title: Passion, Trouble Tuesday

Frank Kermit and Kelly Alexander, together again, for the first time! Kelly Alexander is guest host of the week, filing in for Dr Laurie Betito, for Passion Trouble Tuesdays. This is the 26th time Kelly interviews Frank, but only the first time that it happens on CJAD 800 AM. On this show, Frank and Kelly take texts and calls from the audience, and cover the topic of signs of someone cheating, can an affair actually help your relationship, single going into Valentine's Day, and more...

Date: October 24, 2014, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show Ep 242
Frank Kermit makes his 25th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Show episode #242 to talk about Coping with Loss of Relationships.

Date: August 2, 2014,  Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show Ep 231

Frank Kermit makes his 24th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Show episode #231 to talk about Why we are still single, and the great love debate in Montreal.

Date: June 6, 2014, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show Ep 223

Frank Kermit makes his 23rd appearance on The Kelly Alexander Show episode #223 to talk about the struggles of Adult Male Virgins. Also discussed was the California Santa Barbara shoot Elliot Roger as he was an adult male virgin.

Date: May 21, 2014,  Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show Ep 220

Frank Kermit makes his 22nd appearance on The Kelly Alexander Show episode #220 to talk about making ultimatums in dating.

Date: March 27, 2014,  Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show Ep 213

Frank Kermit makes his 21st appearance on The Kelly Alexander Show episode #213 to talk about new technologies and dating. If you have a relationship with someone over technology, but have not met in person outside of technology, is it a real relationship? Are the feelings real? How long should you wait to meet someone in person? On the Mask of Technology: Why do people act one way online behind a computer and act differently in person? What are some ways to protect yourself dating through technology? What is the danger of how relationships through technology can be used against you in the future? How have new technologies changed the experience of dating new people? How people can use technology to track you when they want to date you? Is it OK to break up with someone through technology instead of in person? How younger adults are using new technologies for short term flings? Is technology to blame for this behavior? Can people experience deeper levels of intimacy through technology (like people being more honest or caring in emails)?

 Date: February 3, 2014,  Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show Ep 205
Frank Kermit makes his 20th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about what to do when you fall in love with a friend, friends with benefits, how to bring it up, how to go from friends to lovers, if you should even bother dating a friend, and his appearance at the Living Solo Show, Salon vivre en solo at Place Bonaventure for 2014 Valentine's Day Weekend

 Date: December 19, 2013, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show Ep 199
Frank Kermit makes his 19th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about dating and new relationships going into the holidays.

 Date: November 18, 2013, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show Ep 195
Frank Kermit makes his 18th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about relationships presented in the media that would never work in real life, as well as, bad relationships presented for humor and sales, and the potential effects on audiences.

 Date: October 3, 2013, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show Ep 190
Frank Kermit makes his 17th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Commitment. How long should you wait to commit to someone? How can you tell that someone is as committed to you as you are to that person? Find out this and more on this episode of the KAS.

 Date: August 2, 2013, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 16th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Dating and Weddings. Should you bring a date to a wedding? Attend a wedding with your ex? Attend the wedding of an ex?

 Date: April 18, 2013, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 15th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Caring What Other People Think in Dating.

 Date: January 21, 2013 Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 14th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about conversations to have before the Wedding.

Date: November 22, 2012, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show

Frank Kermit makes his 13th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Being Happily Single. Find out if it is even possible to be Happily Single and how to handle the stigmas of Singledom. 

 Date: October 5, 2012, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 12th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Speed Dating. Find out what Speed Dating is all about right here.

 Date: July 27, 2012, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 11th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show episode 129. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Spotting Red Flags. What are some of the major red flags to spot when dating? Find out here.

Date: April 26, 2012, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show

Frank Kermit makes his 10th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about what to do right after you get engaged, including the kinds of questions and conversations to have with your soon to be spouse.

 Date: March 8, 2012,  Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 9th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Friends-With-Benefits Relationships and how to manage them.

 Date: February 2, 2012, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 8th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Way To Get Over An Ex. Find out a number of tips and tricks to moving on from your past relationships in this interview.

 Date: November 17, 2011, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 7th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about When Couples Break Up. What are some of the guidelines of breaking up? What is the best way to talk about a break up? What should you say to your mutual friends about the break up? Can you stay friends after a break up? If so, what are the new rules of friendship? Can you flirt with an ex? Find out in this interview.

 Date: November 10, 2011, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 6th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about When Parents Break Up. How should parents tell their kids about the break up? What are some of the issues parents may have about each other in a break up? What are some of the issues that kids have regarding parents breaking up? Does the age of the child matter? Should a new relationship partner be presented to the children right after a parents break up? What are some of the things parents can do to help children through a parents break up? Is there ever a time when parents should stay together for the sake of children? Find out in this interview.

 Date: June 30, 2011, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 5th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about May December Relationships. What are some of the issues that people in May-December Relationships face? Why do people think that May-December Relationships are a sign of people being used and emotional dysfunction? Is there any truth to it? What should a person who has kids already do if they get into a May-December Relationship? Should much older people have children? What are the stigmas to these relationships and how can you combat them? Find out in this interview.

 Date: May 5, 2011, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 4th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Compromise in Relationships. What role do boundaries and deal breakers play in compromise? What should people compromise in a relationship and what should people not compromise on? What do you do if one person in the relationship compromises more than the other? Find out in this interview.

 Date: February 3, 2011,  Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 3rd appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Valentine's Day. What do you do if you are alone on V-day? What about if you are dating many people casually? Who do you choose to spend the day with? Why is V-day so hard on some people? Find out in this interview.

Date: September 30, 2010, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show

Frank Kermit makes his 2nd appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about the emotional needs of men and the emotional needs of women. How the emotional needs of men are different than the emotional needs of women.

 Date: August 19, 2010, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his first appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Great First Dates. What are the do's and don't's of dating? Should you have sex on a first date?

CKRK-FM is an English-language Canadian radio station located in the Kahnawake Mohawk Territory, a First Nations reserve near Montreal, Quebec. It broadcasts on 103.7 MHz.  The station went on the air on March 30, 1981, and identifies itself as "K103" (and also sometimes as "The Monster").

Date: February 13th, 2015,  Title: Radio K103 - Partyline Talkshow
Frank Kermit makes his 4th appearance K103.7 FM radio. The Partyline Talk Show hosted by guest host Jessica Oesterreich on The Partyline Talk Show to talk about Valentine's Day, the dos and don'ts, and answering questions from callers including if you should propose or confess your love on Valentines Day. Also discussed is the difference between a coach and a therapist, coaching vs therapy, and the value of match makers and match making in 2015. 

Date: August 4, 2014,    Title: Radio K103 - Partyline Talkshow
Frank Kermit was a guest on K103.7 FM radio. Frank Kermit makes his first appearance on the K103 Morning Show with Lance Delisle and Paul Graif to talk about writing love letters and new generations with new technologies and the world of dating

 Date: February 13th, 2014,  Title: Radio K103 - Partyline Talkshow
Frank Kermit made his second appearance on K103.7 FM radio. The Partyline Talk Show hosted by Lori Jacobs. The topic of the show was the Do and Don'ts of Valentine's Day. We also gave out passes to the Living Solo Show at Place Bonaventure. Frank also talked about how he became a Dating and Relationship Coach.

 Date: April 1st, 2010, Title: Radio K103. Frank Kermit makes his first appearance on K103.7 FM radio. The Partyline Talk Show hosted by Lori Jacobs. The topic of the show was Humor and Relationships. How to use humor in relationships. Humor, the good, the bad and the escapism. The role of humor in long term relationships and ways to use humor so that it brings you closer to your partner.

Dear Frank,

I need advice!! In regards to men & porn. What is "right" and what is "too much"?

I own the house we live in (2nd marriage for me) and he brought in porn from the start.

I put my foot down, told him I didn't want it in the house.

He shouldn't need/use it..he has me, a willing partner.

So he does. Then 8 months later I find a ton of magazines in the garage. His response..."technically it wasn't in the house" - we fight again. All seems resolved.

A year later, I find a ton of magazines hidden in the seat of his car. We go around and around again. Again, he says no more. Again, he lies.

I detest porn. I detest him spending money on it when we need it for other things. I feel he is disrespecting me by lying & continuing with his habit. I tell him he has a problem...he tells me I am a prude.

What do I do? I don't want to divorce over this....but I don't want to be disrespected in my own home either.

HELP!

Detests Porn,


Dear Detest Porn,

I see a couple of issues here.

The first is whether or not the porn is a threat to the marriage or an aid.

For some couples, porn is an aid, as it fills a need so that one or both partners do not stray and have affairs.

For other couples, porn is a threat because it encourages one or both partners to seek out other people.

Do not assume it is always men. Many women enjoy porn too.

The question I have is, is porn an aid or a threat to your relationship.

The next issue is the question of values.

If porn is against your value system, why are you with someone that seeks it out?

It is not about "should"...there is no "should".

You have an intellectual construct about how a willing partner SHOULD be enough.

It obviously is not the case for him. That is a reality you have to deal with. Did you discuss your values before you got married? Did you talk about porn being something at issue with you?

When you did talk about it, were you presenting yourself as someone that can handle truth, or did you present the issues as "You better not ever bring that up!".

It is not your fault you were lied to, but you do have to figure out if you present yourself as being able to handle a Frank discussion about topics you detest, otherwise you encourage people not to be honest with you.

Finally some issues with this situation...you own the house you both live in...to my understanding, when you get married (I assume from your writings you are married) that the assets are shared. If this is wrong, correct me. If it is right, then it is his house too, and although you may detest porn, it is not illegal.

The final question is how your INTERPRETATION of porn is different from his.

You interpret porn as disrespecting you. It seems his interpretation of porn is something else.

Part of this process is to figure out what exactly is the source of your interpretation of porn, and whether or not is an accurate one.

You also have to consider what his interpretation of porn means to him.

THAT is the beginning of figuring out if this is an issue that is an impasse to your relationship or not.

-Frank, because I have to be
 

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Dear Frank:

I am a 52 yr. old female, divorced for almost 2 years. I have been dating a man whom I met on an Internet dating site since July 2011 (almost 1 year post-divorce). We spend almost every weekend together & are very involved in each others lives.

Due to our work schedules, we are not able to see each other during the week, but he does make a point of calling me every evening. It was obvious right from the start that we had that proverbial chemistry. Our chat sessions became more & more intimate.

After approximately 3 weeks of on-line chatting, he asked me for my phone number, which I eagerly gave him. He called me almost immediately. We spoke on the phone daily, sometimes even 2 or 3 times a day, for sometimes 1 to 2 hours at a time.

After about a week of phone calls, he invited me to his house for supper. I know I probably need my head examined for going to a man’s home that I hadn’t even met in person yet, but I accepted. His 10-year-old son would also be there, so I figured I couldn’t be in any danger.

When I arrived at his home, there was an immediate physical attraction to each other & all evening, the sexual tension between us was palpable. We engaged in sexual intercourse that evening. I know, I know, I’m an idiot! I commented to him that I didn’t normally have sex on a first date & he commented that he wasn’t into one night stands, so I had better get used to being with him for a long time to come.

During the first 2 months or so, we were like a couple of teenagers again; we couldn’t wait to be alone with each other. One weekend, shortly after our initial meeting, he invited me to his cottage.

Let me repeat, I know, I know, I’m an idiot for going to a somewhat secluded place where there was nowhere for me to run if necessary, but I felt completely safe with him. Needless to say neither one of us spent any time outdoors that weekend.

My problem is this: since the initial 2 months, the sex has stopped.

We are sleeping in the same bed at his cottage every weekend, he will hold my hand when walking, kiss me, hug me, flirt, but actual intercourse, or anything more than a hug or kiss, has ceased. I have tried everything in the hopes of sparking his interest (flirting, sexy lingerie, back rubs), but to no avail. I have asked him if he no longer was attracted to me, if perhaps there was something I wasn’t doing to please him, or something I was doing that he didn’t like, etc.

He replied that sex had never really been important to him & that it had absolutely nothing to do with me in particular. He said that he thought he felt that way because of the line of work he is in (he runs an x-rated theatre) because he only ever sees women being used as sex toys or being placed in degrading situations.

I am totally confused. On one hand, he is still very attentive towards me, but I found out that he is still visiting, on a daily basis, the same dating site where we met. When I questioned him about it, he claimed he didn’t know how to delete his profile. I explained to him step-by-step how to delete it, but he said his page seemed to be different from mine & he couldn't see anywhere how to delete it.

For a couple of days I accepted his excuse. But, the more I thought about it, the more I found his answer to be ridiculous. So, I created a fake profile & initiated a conversation with him. Posing as a rather good-looking woman, I pointedly asked him if he was currently involved with someone & his response was “no, he wasn’t”. I was astounded.

Now, I don’t know what to do with this information. Why would he lie about his relationship with me? I am utterly confused. He still acts as if we’re in a serious relationship, doing everything a couple usually does together, refers to me as his girlfriend & keeps asking me when I'm going to introduce him to my father, but any physical intimacies have come to a complete halt.

I don’t know what to do or think anymore. Is he just using me until something better comes along? I would really appreciate your professional opinion.

-Extremely Puzzled

Dear E-Puzzled,

My professional opinion is first and foremost to stop beating yourself up and calling yourself names.

Calling yourself an idiot is a bad habit to get into. At best it will make you unattractive to potential good partners and at worst it will damage you on an emotional level. You did nothing wrong. You are a healthy woman who has human needs.

Next, without being able to meet with you both as a couple, I can only form an opinion on what you wrote in your letter, so my scope could be limited. I do not know his relationship history, and I do not know your repeating behavior patterns from your past marriage.

So, if we all did meet in person for a coaching session, I would be looking for such kinds of behavior patterns like if you tend to seek out emotional unavailable men, and if he has kept most of his relations with women limited to sexual interactions.

As I see it, he may have a number of issues going on. He might be over your relationship, but does not have the courage to break up with you, so he is being passive aggressive hoping you will break up the relationship for him.

He may have a fear of intimacy and when your initial relationship was merely sexual he had no problem performing, but now that it seems to have lasted beyond the romance phase, it is challenging him on an emotional level that he is not comfortable with. He could just be a jerk that leads women on because he values a “motherly” attention rather than sex, and tries to rope in as many lonely women into his circle as he can.

Incidentally, to be clear, it is more probable it is not his job that caused him to have a fear of intimacy, but rather his fear of intimacy that led him to that job. Understand?

With all that said, he is not the real issue in this case. You are, as you wrote the letter asking for advice. Your focus cannot be trying to understand why he is acting the way he is acting. Although understanding his motivations can be important, your primary focus must be on YOUR BOUNDARIES.

You may never fully know why he acts the way he does, and quite frankly, who cares? What you are in control of is how you react to his actions. What are your relationship boundaries? For example if sex is important to you, and it is a boundary that you want sex at this stage of your life regularly in your relationships, then it is up to you to communicate that (which you already have) and if he still does not open up or attempt to accommodate you, then leave and find another partner.

For example, let’s say the issue is that he suffers from impotence and was using some kind of medical aid to function sexually at that time…this is something he would need to open up about and be honest with you when reaching the boyfriend/girlfriend stage (he publicly acknowledges you as his girlfriend).

What are your boundaries about his needing medication or sex not being important?

Your boundaries are the deal breakers of what you will and will not tolerate. They have nothing to do with whom you happen to be dating. Boundaries are all about you and your personal value system.

This will include what your boundaries are regarding being lied to, being cheated on, and being sexually rejected. Your boundaries will surely require you to address the issue of your new boyfriend keeping his online dating profile up. (Are you actually telling me that neither of you knows someone that is technical savvy enough to help take down the profile or that you could not have done it for him when next over at his place? Com’on)

I think your instincts are correct about this guy. I would encourage you to learn to trust yourself more. You are not the idiot you claim to be. You know what you need to do.

-Frank

Swinger Beginners: Keep it Out of the Work Place

By Frank Kermit

Dear Frank,

My husband and I recently returned from a business trip/vacation where a few of my husband's co-workers also brought their wives. We really hit it off with one of the other couples - where towards the end of the week, it was flirtatious between the other husband and I - at which point I was more aware of actions and comments that could be indicators of testing the waters for other interests.

Although my husband and I have discussed it (the possibility of experiencing swinging together), neither of us have participated in swinging - so our experience and exposure is nil. Are there "pick up lines", or the like, that are indicators? I don't want to jeopardize the relationship with this couple by approaching the subject directly, if I'm reading more into it.

One of the nights, all of our coats ended up in our hotel room for the four of us to get together after we left the hotel bar for the night. During one of the evening conversations, mostly out of the blue, the wife asked me if I had seen a movie where two neighbors had switched houses - husbands - and one had been accused of the murder of one of the wives.

Thanks in advance JC


Dear JC,

When transitioning from monogamy to any form of non-monogamy (or the reverse for that matter of going from non-monogamy to monogamy), the first basic rule is the same.

You go SLOW.

Take your time before altering the relationship structure that you have been accustom too. So it is good that you held off from taking any actions with this couple that could potentially turn your friendship with them sour. With that said, I am going to advise not to pursue anything with this couple, even if the couple is interested in swinging with you and your husband.

Regardless of anything else you have written, it sounds to me that the other woman’s husband and your husband are co-workers. There are some employers that have policies regarding employees getting involved in any sort of romantic relationships including recreational sex.

When co-workers have sex or date it can be a complicated affair, even when things work out leading a serious relationship. When you throw swinging into the mix, it is even more complicated.

Depending on how the employment agreement is worded and the scope of what the company feels might be employees getting too involved with each other, it is possible that your husbands could lose their jobs, and also depending on the area of the North America in which you live, the stigma with being associated with the swinger lifestyle could even cost each of them a career.

Bottom-line is that if you are looking for some first time experience with non-monogamy, co-workers are strictly off limits.

With all that said, I am not so sure that the couple you describe are swingers.

In fact the out-of-the-blue comment made by the wife of the other couple strikes me more of a red flag as I get the impression that she might have been trying to give you a warning to back off. If the wife was really interested in trying to probe you to see how open you and your husband are towards the swinger lifestyle, there are a number of other popular culture medias she could have referred too.

Media programs like Big Love and Sister Wives (polygamy), Bob & Carol& Ted & Alice (movie on wife swapping), When Two Won’t Do (documentary on open relationships) and even various episodes of the different Star Trek shows that talk about alien societies that function on principles of non-monogamy.

The wife in your situation chose the movie entitled Consenting Adults about a supposed couple swap that lands one of the wives murdered. I don’t think that someone who was interested in swapping husbands with you would use that particular movie to initiate a move towards that goal.

My feeling is that the wife picked up on the fact that her husband and you were getting along a little too well, and rather than turn a work-related function sour by making a sense, she sent you a subtle message threatening you to stay away from her husband even if her husband found you attractive.

Swingers clubs often have information nights for newbie couples to come in and get a lecture about how swinging works, where and how to meet new couples, and the nuances of the unique etiquette of how swinger couples interact at a swingers club. Check to see if the swinger clubs closest to you offer any.

Do a lot more research before you jump in as swinging will never make a bad marriage better, and rushing in could ruin what you already have with your husband.

There are some swingers dating websites that will have some informative resources for you to explore. The ones that I would recommend are the long established http://www.trystmag.com/ based in Canada, and http://venuscouples.com/ which is a swinger site aimed at women that is completely pornography free.

-Frank

 
Handling The Truth About Relationships
Is All About Handling The Truth About Human Beings
By Frank Kermit
Originally published July 19, 2018, updated April 20, 2018


When someone asks to learn the single most important thing that I can think of that would ensure they have the best chance of making long term relationships succeed, time and again, when going through the practice of relationship coaching, that single most important element that keeps coming up is:


A Persons Ability To Handle Truth.


The willingness to listen to the truth about your relationship situation and handling the truth in a mature and reasonable manner can be the key difference between a long term marriage-‘til-death-do-you-part or a quickie-divorce. It is that key.


Frank's Rule of Honesty is that people will only tend to be as honest with you as much as you give the image of what you can handle.


If you present yourself as someone that will not be able to handle the truth, or you have a reputation of freaking out when you hear a truth that you do not like, it is pretty well guaranteed that you have taught the people around you that it is in their best interest, and yours, for them to lie to you when they can.


During my own personal development, something that I learned when I wanted to encourage honesty from others is that I taught myself how to handle truth.

Meaning,

that regardless of how bad the news, I would hold off acting on any emotion until I could be alone later.

So when I get told really shocking news, I do withdraw, but I do not act out and explode.

This has been KEY in getting people to talk to me with their truths.

I don't promise not to get mad, I just promise not to act on that anger right away.

I control the behavior, not the emotion.
It has strengthened my connections with others.

Succeeding at making long term relationships work can depend greatly on being the kind of person that people felt they could be completely honest about regarding their secrets, their vulnerabilities and their sexual histories.

If you can make people feel that safe with you, then you will always be in a position to know the truth of your relationship situation, and that is what puts you in control of being able to manage your relationships, and the potential threats to it.

You can never allow yourself to be in the position to fear truth. When it comes to the truth about your relationship, you simply must learn to handle things that you likely would rather not want to hear.

For example, a truth in relationships that most people would rather not acknowledge is that even if you are happily involved with someone in a serious and exclusive relationship, you are STILL going to be attracted to other people.

It has NOTHING to do with how much the partners love each other.

It has nothing to do with how the partners treat one another.

It only has to do with basic sexual orientation.

If a person had the capacity to feel attracted to and/or fall in love with a human being once, they will likely do so again and again, no matter what they have committed too.

To be clear, we are talking about how you do not control how you feel (attraction for another person that is not your partner) which is a completely separate issue from acting on that attraction if you have made a commitment not to act on them.

Now, let’s take that example and see what is the real dangerous.

Some people feel that expressing to your partner that you are attracted to another person is a direct threat to that relationship.

Actually, it is not.

It is just a truth about your relationship.

The FEAR of expressing yourself to your partner, or the fear of your partner expressing a truth to you, is the real threat to your relationship.

It is those couples that understand that knowing the truth, no matter how much it can ding the ego, is always the best means of helping to preserve the relationship, that have the best chance of lasting through the rough times together.

Relationship Skills Mastery, at its core, is the embracement of the full truth about your partner and yourself.

Relationships based on intellectual constructs and ideals, which prevent couples from being completely honest with each other about how they are feeling, is the real danger.

It is in those omissions of truth that the cracks in the foundations of the trust that is the basis of a relationship may start the tower of love to crumble.

Although many people claim they want a partner who will be honest, a number of those same people simply cannot handle a partner being honest.

(How often do you actually tell a partner if that outfit makes them look fat?).

Don't ask for the truth if you cannot handle it.

If you really want honesty, be strong enough to take it.

This is the real world.

There is no having it both ways.

If you ask for honesty but you react out of control, like you cannot handle honesty well, you are going to train everyone to start lying to you.

Sorry, but you need to keep things in perspective.

If you are losing yourself in your rage,
you will destroy everything you love.


Frank Kermit

 

The Attraction Theory
Originally published July 18, 2018, updated April 20, 2018
By Frank Kermit
 

There is an attraction theory that states,


"How you do one thing,

is representative of how you do

all other things."
 

Although this particular theory is not realistic and cannot be applied across the board in any tangible and measureable way, it does have some merit when it comes to the Emotional Interpretations.

Basically, the theory claims that if you are looking for signs as to what kind of partner someone would be for you in a relationship, look at how a person conducts him or her self, to give you an idea, of what kind of partner someone would make.
 

On some level, this does make sense, as people generally are their repeating behavior patterns.

Someone whose repeating behavior pattern is to lie, lie and lie some more, may be very incapable of being honest with anyone, including the people he or she dates.
 
On the other hand, the theory that how you do one thing represents how you do all things is not correct when it comes to all things.

How someone acts in one context may be very specific to that context.

Just because someone puts in the time to take care of her health, does not mean she will put time into taking care of her family connections.

Just because someone makes the extra effort at his job, does not mean they will be able to put in that same effort in managing his own business.

In both those examples, there could be extraneous circumstances to explain how one behavior does not represent a predictable behavior in another context.
 

For example, the woman in the above example may be overly preoccupied with her appearance such that she focuses on her own health and beauty, and does not focus on the emotional fulfillment of her family, and the man in the example works hard because he responds to authority checking up on him, but would not be assertive for himself if no one is there to scold him for being less pro-active.

 
However, when it comes to dating, many people look for those “signs” that someone is meant to be your best potential soul mate.


They look at status symbols that may include education level, wealth, social connections, and even wearing white after Labor Day, none of which is a direct indicator of how well someone treats a partner in a relationship.

 
Those “signs” can serve as indicators of some kind of significance, but if you really want to safeguard yourself from being mislead by “signs”, then remember this one point:

How someone treats you must be your most important criteria.

If you plan to have children, or already have children, then your most important criteria should also include an analysis of what kind of parent someone would be.
 
Frank Kermit

  The Pregnancy Test Scam - But is it Real?
 
By Frank Kermit
 
There is a disturbing trend that seems to be happening that involves pregnant women supplementing their income by selling positive pregnancy tests online to women who want to use the pregnancy testing device with a positive marking to possibly con their boyfriends or male lovers into proposing marriage. At least that is what the ads claim could happen.
 
An ad on Craigslist claims that the expectant mother, "is selling used testing sticks for $25 each, saying she's been asked so many times, she had decided to start charging." In my own search I also found one on ebay with a listing description of: "Clear & simple brand positive pregnancy test. Done on day of postage. Good for a prank."
 
Is this what it has really come too? Unable to empower herself into a committed relationship, and despite having the full freedom of choice to move on and find a new partner when the one she is with refuses to step up and take their relationship to the next level, that there are women who would rather stay with a man that continually rejects her such that she has to attempt to scam him into getting serious?
 
I wonder at what point will the women, who are successful in getting a proposal with this ruse, turn around and realize they will have to keep the lie going? For example, to what lengths will she go to fake a miscarriage? Will she then try extra hard to get pregnant for real right after the proposal and fake being overdue the 40 week gestational period (assuming she gets pregnant at all)? Is this even something seriously considered by some women? If not, then what is the market that has such a high demand for these positive pregnancy tests (besides an entire audience that wants to prank their loved ones)?
 
Mind you, when I see the number of women in my practice who waste years of their lives, as time runs out on their biological clocks, waiting for their male lovers and boyfriends to "change his mind", I have to believe it is more likely than not. At least these women are not "accidentally" forgetting to take their birth control pills as a means to get what they want (a pregnancy their male partners did not consent too).
 
To the ladies that are actually buying the positive pregnancy tests as a means to trick your male sex partners into a proposal; if nothing else, consider this: When your boyfriend or male lover is not as interested in committing to you the way you would want him to commit, the best choice is to stop seeing him and find a man that wants to be with you. Trying to change the man you are with, or worse, having to scam him into that kind of commitment, will land you alone. If the truth of what you did coming out does not bring about your abandonment, then surely the repeating behavior pattern that this scam reflects will be your downfall.
 
Frank Kermit

Tattoos and Relationships:
Beware The L-I-N-K of Love and INK
 
By Frank Kermit
 
While at a coffee shop a few weeks ago, I met a tattoo artist. He had his son's name tattooed on his hand, and being the ever-inquisitive one, I asked him about his profession and the topic of getting the name of someone tattooed on your body. He told me that historically, sailors who traveled from port to port had a history of tattooing the name of the girl they spent most of their time with. At each new port, the name of the previous girl was crossed out, and underneath it was the name of the new girl he met that became the love of his life. The sailors would only spend a limited amount of time at each port, and then head back out to sea. This was also a period of time when vagabond sailors did not have any guarantee that they would be returning to another port, and die at sea; so in essence, they had to make the most of the romance they had today, for tomorrow they may all die. With that in mind, those sailors had very little to lose to the L-I-N-K (love and ink).
 
People in modern times are a different story. The artist told me that he believes that tattooing the name of children on a parent is likely the more acceptable (if not the most acceptable) form of name tattooing because you will always be a parent, and a parent is suppose to always love their children. However he cautioned against tattooing the name of a partner (whether it be someone you are simply dating, or a spouse). In his business, he simply has seen too many good intentioned lovers end up regretting getting their partner's name tattooed on their bodies, and have to end up deciding if they wanted the tattoo removed, or covered up with another tattoo (such as a simple black bar or a more elaborate design). Body modification (piercing, plastic surgery, tattoos and such) does not carry with them the stigmas they used too. Younger people are more accepting of their peers who apply them, celebrities who earn their spotlight though their ability to continue to garner attention indirectly endorse it by having it done, older people who have mostly lived quiet, law-abiding lives sometimes want to experience the rebellious rejuvenation by having something done in the golden years of their lives. But regardless of all of that, getting the name of your partner tattooed, is still something that some tattoo artists simply refuse to do because of the high risk of regret that may follow such actions.
 
What is very strongly recommended is that a symbol be used, instead of a direct name. The symbol could be something that represents how the couple got together, or perhaps a common interest that the couple happens to share. For example, a character from the couple's favorite movie, or perhaps an image of a favorite flower if the couple had flowers play a role in their first date, or perhaps they have the same zodiac sign and that is the symbol they can use. It stands to reason that even if the couple breaks up after the tattoo is completed, that those tattoo images can still have meanings that do not just reflect the past relationship, but a still relevant element of the person that has been marked.
 
I have never had the experience of having a lover want to get my name tattooed on her body. In my younger years, during a very passionately intense time in my life when I lived a much more adventurous lifestyle, the closest I ever got to having a lover have my name tattooed on her body was when I would scribble my initials on my lovers skin using a felt tipped marker. Now before, anyone gets upset, everyone involved was a consenting adult, the marker ink washed off, and it was always areas of skin that were covered in clothing. Some of the women I did this with actually got a thrill, as if I had been some cave man brut who was marking his territory. In fact, one lover made it a point to go shower at the gym to "show off" to the other girls that she had been "marked by her man". There were others who agreed to it for fun, thou I caught them rolling their eyes at how giddy I had become in doing it (well, so much for my masterful masculine image huh?).
 
But that is exactly the point...it was not permanent, so it could be fun. I may never have a Frank fan that would L-I-N-K to me. This is probably a good thing, as I may just be a passing fad or phase to them. But Oh, so help me, I can not help but feel a little ego boost at the thought that someone would be enthused with me that much to consider doing it...maybe that is why, despite the obvious risks of tattooing a partner's name on your body, this practice is continues to be done by a handful of lovers and artists. It is not just about how the marked person feels about the named person being inscribed. It can also be about how it makes the named person feel. If you are going to tattoo the name of your lover, or want your lovers to tattoo your name on them, be sure you all know the risks. If you have any doubts regarding facing those risks at a later time, then do not do it.
 
Frank Kermit

  Entertainment is NOT Dating Education
 
By Frank Kermit
 
The entertainment industry is not concerned with educating audiences about relationships. The entertainment industry is only interested in one thing: entertaining you in a way that turns a profit. Although there is nothing wrong with entertainment such as movies, television, and so on and it is perfectly OK (and absolutely necessary) for businesses to turn a profit, the issue that I see in my practice, stems from the fact that human beings sometimes will mistake what has been produced for entertainment purposes only, as an example to be followed in their love lives.
 
Women wait to be rescued by a handsome rich stranger instead of building their own wealth and making efforts to seek out their own partners. Men assume that allowing women to mother them as just friends will eventually turn that friend into a lover. The stories that entertain us may also mislead us.
 
To be clear, the entertainment industry is not to blame, nor should it be censored or altered to be more educational. That is not its mandate. The issue is not the entertainment industry per se. It has to do with the fact that human beings are a species of influence-able creatures.
 
Environments influence human beings, including what we see, what we hear and what we experience; that environment includes what entertainment we are exposed too. If you removed every aspect of our entertainment lives, we would still be just as influenced by the people and events around us. Each time you witness one person helping another fix a flat tire, it shall influence you to likely help out the next person you see with a flat tire.
 
The key is not modifying our entertainment, but bringing in better education. As long as people are educated about how to think critically and rationally about anything in their environment that can and will influence them, then people can make sure to only take actions that are in their best long-term interests.
 
Whether people need an education to learn how to interpret TV shows, commercials, movies, theatre or have to learn to interpret their own families unhealthy repeating behavior patterns, it is important to understand that what you have always been exposed too, is not an automatic example of what is normal behavior to enact or take part in.
 
I wish I could say that people should look to their own families for examples of what love and relationships are instead of looking at our entertainment media.
 
Unfortunately, with the high divorce rates in place, it seems that the very people that needed to exemplify those patterns of love and relationships are failing miserably. A society of absolute choice when it comes to dating, but no actual skills to be able to manage that abundance of choice, is resulting in a chain of broken relations.
 
It always comes down to everyone having different emotional needs (whether healthy needs or not) and seeking to have those emotional needs addressed. However, a personal education in relationships is something people have to choose to take action on.
 
Until then at least remember that what entertains you does not equal what must educate you when it comes to finding love.
 
Frank Kermit

A Frank Comment on
Miley Cyrus VMA 2013 Performance
 
By Frank Kermit
 
I do not normally comment on the antics of popular culture, as so much of what we see of movies and TV are fiction based romances and relationships. I tried my best to stay focused on relationships in the real world and write about what realistically works and what does not.
 
Intrigued by the kafuffle of the Miley Cyrus performance at the 2013 Video Music Awards where Cyrus performed a sexually charged number with Robin Thicke I also had to comment. Cyrus who is now 20 years old was a child actress who performed the character of Hannah Montana from 2006 to 2011 on American TV, and part of a very strong brand of childrens entertainment under Disney.
 
Part of the controversy is that Disney strongly pushed the Hannah Montana franchise and branded the image of "Good Girl" Hannah so much that audiences associated those characteristics to actress Miley Cyrus. Even the good people at the Parent's Television Council were angered by Cyrus's more adult performance.
 
Folks, please, it is time for a Frank Reality Check. Miley Cyrus is an ACTRESS/PERFORMER who played the part of Hannah Montana. Her time in that role is over, and as an adult, she gets to decide what role her career can/must take to keep her making a living. Just like any of you will take on roles and jobs that other people may not like, when you get fired or laid off, but need to keep going. She is not a teenager anymore working for Disney. She is a grown woman that wants to take her career where she wants it to go.
 
It is time to respect that, whether you like it or not; she does not have to placate to the wishes of what everybody else wants her to be.
 
Cyrus is no different from her peers in terms of what she needs to do to get noticed in the music business. Keep in mind that Elvis Presley, who is TAME by today's standards was considered too dangerous to be on TV because of the way he shook his hips when he performed. "Elvis the Pelvis" did what he had to do to stand out to get attention in the music industry. Maybe it is not so original, but for some reason it works. It got everyone talking about it. That was the point. I find it almost funny how the people that complained the most were the ones that did not simply click off the remote when it happened.
 
Some people think that artists should not need excessive gimmicks and such to get attention and should expect that talent speak for itself. In both entertainment and dating, that simply does not work. There are plenty of talented people out there that never become stars, just like there are plenty of really good people that never find love. Being talented or being good simply is not enough. In all areas of life you need to market yourself. If Cyrus were looking to break away from her Hannah Montana image, I would say it was a very successful move. Now we get to see what she can really do on her own from this point on.
 
Lastly, yes there is a concern for all the young girls who grew up watching and idealizing her. I will tell you what I would tell the Parents Television Council, as well as any parent that I coach when families face challenges:
 
CELEBRITIES ARE NOT ROLE MODELS.
 
They are entertainers who have a job of being in the public eye. They are human, not divine. And when a gig or job finishes up for them, they move on to the next employment opportunity or start their own. Parents that worry about losing the Hannah Montana role model for their daughters, listen up. Hannah Montana was a character on TV, not a real person to admire.
 
If you really want your kids to have a role model, the BEST role model out there is YOU: THE PARENTS. Our kids will not always do what we say, but they will almost always do what we do. BE a role model for your kids, and stop depending on celebrities and fictional characters to be that role model in your place.
 
Frank Kermit

Is there such a thing as Happily Single?
 
By Frank Kermit
 
Is being single really that bad? After all, when a person considers the amount of pain that a relationship or casual dating can cause, it may seem that just skipping the whole dating-thing altogether might make for a more peaceful life.
 
Could it be that intimate relations are simply not for everyone, and maybe you happen to be one of those people? How do you know if being alone is the right choice for you and is it even possible to be content, or even fulfilled in a life without romantic love? As always, that answer is completely up to you.
 
The people who struggle with this question the most are those people that never actually had an overly positive, intimate relationship with someone before. If that is coupled with an environment that was emotionally sterile while that person was growing up, it makes trying to find the motivation for seeking out a relationship almost obsolete.
 
Without having experienced what a health loving relationship can be, or not having experienced the positive attributes of being with someone that cares for you, it is challenging for someone to see the value is pursuing a goal they have no concept of.
 
Then the consideration comes in that some people are simply too damaged to be in a relationship. There are cases where someone may be struggling with a personal demon like an addiction, or still coping with a history of abuse. Those demons may limit their capacity for intimate relationships of any kind. In these cases, people tend to be encouraged to work on themselves before entering into romantic relationships so that the challenges inherent with romantic relationships do not distract the people from the healing process, nor allow the romantic relationships to exasperate a persons energy causing them not to have the personal resources to slay the demon.
 
This is most commonly understood when someone enters a drug and alcohol treatment center where patients are forbidden to have relations with each other and contact with loved ones must be limited.
 
I have often found that barring any major issues, that a few people are simply not ready to make the commitment to the amount of work that is necessary to change an area of their life they are not happy with.
 
Dismissed as laziness by some, the lack of willingness to put in the work required to change behavior patterns is nothing to scoff at. Changing anything in your life forces you out of your comfort zone. It takes work. The motivation to make such changes may very well require that someone hit an absolute rock bottom before having enough gumption to finally make that change. The same principle applies to changing the status of a persons love life.
 
It is unfortunate that people require that kind of rock bottom to reach a point where the pain of staying where they are is finally greater than the pain of making a change.
 
When I am asked if it is better to be in a relationship that is bad, or being alone, I often quote one of my inspirations. To paraphrase: Are you better off with that person, or better off without that person? There is no set answer.
 
It completely depends on the context of your situation. There are a number of other factors to consider in the answer to this question. Are you very miserable, or just so-so bored with your partner? Is your partner a good parent to your kids, or are your kids in danger around your partner? Are you fighting day in and day out with your partner, or have you and your partner settled into a quiet existence that you find a little bland? Is your partner someone you can rely on, or is your partner a dead beat? If you were alone, would you be able to manage not having the positive elements that you do get from the relationships you experience? Are you just a negative person and will continue to find fault with your life even if your leave your partner?
 
Ending a relationship is NOT always the answer when things are rough in life, because life is also going to be rough on you when you are single. There are always consequences to either lifestyle to choose, the question remains which consequences are you more adept to handle accepting?
 
Some people are just comfortable being alone, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you are happier being alone, then take pride in that. If you complain about being alone, then do something about it. If you complain about being in a relationship, again do something about it.
 
Communicate with your partner and find out what is possible to change the areas you are not happy with, to see if you can work to build the relationship together that you will find fulfillment in.
 
If you are trying to figure out if you want to give up on love or not, one of the ways to decide this for yourself is to sit down and work through the differences between your feelings towards single life and your desires for the kind of lifestyle you want for yourself. Start with your ideal lifestyle and work your way backwards to your current present date.
 
Once you have that ideal (and REALISTIC) lifestyle mapped out, see if you are the type of person that can actually attain it, and if you would be able to attract the kind of partner that you yourself would need to be.
 
Frank Kermit

When Partners Change During Relationships
 
By Frank Kermit
 
When partners change and grow as individuals, it is important for them as individuals to keep in mind that each of their respective growth also needs to be balanced with growing their relationship as well. People change for their own reasons. Very rarely do people change exclusively for their partners. This is a very important key point in choosing a life partner. You do not choose a life partner, based on your belief about how you can change your partner in the future. You choose a life partner for who your partner is today. Think of it as an as-is purchase. If you are sold on the idea of what you plan on turning your partner into, instead of accepting your partner as is, right now in the present moment, flaws and all, then the likelihood of your relationship ending badly have significantly increased.
 
A relationship is not a fixer-upper. Unlike a material item that you have full control to restore to its original greatness, or make adjustments to bring it up to date, a relationship is with another human being who you do not control like a material possession. A person can only change within the capacity of they have to change, and no amount of nagging, badgering, insults nor threats of abandonment will ever motivate a person to change more than they can.
 
This is not to say that people do not change. They do. Over the course of a lifespan, people will change. They will go through stages, have new experiences, learn more about themselves, learn more about life, and as their emotional needs change and evolve, so too will their boundaries and where they are willing to compromise. What is currently very important at the beginning of a relationship may no longer be a concern 20 or 30 years into it. By the same token, what was not important at all 20-30 years ago may be exceptionally important today. Even if a couple's core values stay the same over the years, it is still possible that the way each individual in the couple needs to express those values start to conflict. For example, each individual in a couple may hold family values in high regard. However, one partner of the couple accepts a child's lifestyle they do not agree with in the name of upholding and respecting a family value, whereas the other partner would disown the child, claiming it is for the same reason; to uphold and respect a family value, by not being open to a lifestyle they originally disagreed with. Sad, isn't it?
 
One of the reasons that younger people are encouraged not to get too emotionally committed in relationships is preciously because they are usually in a major flux of personal development and chasing career goals, such that they are changing rapidly over a short period of time, and thus they could be very different people from the day the relationship begins to the day when those changes may cause the relationship to end.
 
Personal growth can be a wonderful thing, and very necessary for those in the pursuit of happiness and for higher levels of awareness to better understand the world around them. When on such a journey, be mindful that your relationship is not always the curse that is holding you back as some fickle gurus and mentors may claim. Your relationship could always continue to be a source of stability and strength if you let it. Explore ways for you both to change and grow as a couple, because that is part of what the mandate of being in a relationship is. That is what people (sometimes unknowingly) sign up for when they enter a relationship.
 
People do change over the course of a relationship, however it is rarely in the way the original partners intended, and if they work at it, they can grow together and make their relationship stronger over time.
 
Frank Kermit

The Movie Of Your Life's Journey
 
By Frank Kermit
 
The movie of your life is how we each envision our lives unfolding throughout our life span. This concept goes beyond simple fantasizing of what your life would be like. Writing the movie of your life is an empowerment exercise to help you maximize your life's opportunities when things are going well, and to help support you along when things are going poorly.
 
You are the protagonist (remember that term from high school literature class?) of the movie of your life. You are the main character that will reap all the main benefits of your actions, and suffer the consequences if you do not take action. Great storytelling whether it is through literature, TV, movies, theatre, etc...all capture and lead the imagination to new possibilities and give audiences the opportunity to consider new ways of living their lives finding fulfillment that may not even knew they were missing.
 
This empowerment endeavor helps a person take control of their life by employing elements from solid storytelling structures. This includes being a hero, usually introduced as a normal human being that is called upon to take on a great adventure challenge.
 
The hero either seeks out a mentor, or the mentor calls out the hero to be a student. The hero enters a period of development, which includes tests, learning of new skills, and even self-discovery of personal limits that may need to be overcome.
 
In the end, the hero succeeds at changing his or her character in what needs to be changed, uses that to defeat both the villain of the story and the inner demons the hero needed to vanquish, and finally overcoming the main challenge of the adventure.
 
The conclusion is that the hero is now a new person, with a new life to embrace, which gives the hero the best likelihood of fortifying a true happily ever after
 
When I help someone create the movie of their life, I have learned to add my own personal touch to it by establishing these basic concepts.
 
1-You is the only person that can save you. You must be your own hero in the movie of your life. There is no place for you to wait to be saved. In love, you cannot wait for your future lover, your soul mate, and no waiting for G-d to save you. It is up to you to take the action necessary to save yourself.
 
2-Limit suffering. Some people get so caught up with punishing themselves, that they take the tests and trials of their life's journey too far, and force themselves to suffer needlessly in order to feel worthy of a happy ending. You only need to suffer just enough to learn the lesson required to move on to the next chapter of the story of your life's journey.
 
3-Install a happy ending that happens early in your life. If you write out your movie to only have a happy ending for you (or your family) after your death, you are basically signing your own death certificate. Make sure that your happily ever after ending comes through happens as soon as possible so that you are able to enjoy the rest of your life as soon as you can. There is little point of a happily ever after at the end of your life, or after the fact where you are praised after death.
 
4-Beware your self-sacrificing storylines. A core group of people may identify being a hero equaling being self-sacrificing. This means to always put your personal needs aside to better support the needs of others. Although elements of self-sacrificing can in fact be heroic in certain contexts, the CONSTANT PRACTICE of self-sacrificing behaviors, especially in relation to your love life, can lead a person to a deep rooted bitterness that halts an ability to emotionally connect.
 
The irony is that if you are not taking your own needs into consideration at all, any rewards (if there are rewards at all) for always putting the needs of others ahead of your own will be moot. A person who's needs are ignored is usually unable to enjoy the rewards of self-sacrificing for others.
 
When getting started, I have found a very useful tool to be writing out the movie trailer of your life first. It will set the pace and the plot for your life. Here is a quick example of the structure:
 
Born in (insert the year you were born), (insert your name) had a (adjectives to describe your upbringing) life. Then one day, (insert the event or events that prompted you to have to make a change in your life) that changed life forever. (Insert your name) embarked on a journey to make a change, and build a life that was worth living again. (Insert what it is you are going to do to make that change a reality). Today (insert your name)(offer a conclusion that shows that success was/will-be achieved within your lifetime, and that you will be around to enjoy the fruits of your labor).
 
Here is my own movie trailer:
 
"Frank Kermit had an ordinary life that was very discouraging when it came to love. Then one day, Frank took stock of all the bad things that happened to him including getting stood up at his prom and losing his ex-fiancé to his then best friend that changed his life forever. Frank embarked on a journey to make a change, and build a life that was worth living again. He made learning about love, sex, dating and relationships his number one priority, sacrificed and eventually created a system for himself that helped him find peace within himself, and gave him the ability to help others. Today, Frank is married with a family and continues to teach people about emotional needs for loving relationships."
 
This is just an example to start you off. Use whatever structure works best for you.
 
I consider myself very fortunate that in my life, I have been on my own hero's journey and that when I was ready, my mentors were present for me. I am even more fortunate that when someone feels ready to start their own hero's journey in their real life, that some of them chose me as a mentor.
 
I wish you all a successful journey!
 
Frank Kermit 

Fear of Conflict is Rooted in a Fear of Loss
 
By Frank Kermit
 
Are you too nice when it comes to relationships? Do you walk on eggshells because you do not want to upset your partner? Are you reluctant to enforce your boundaries with someone you care about? Are you afraid of the confrontations that would result if you communicated how you felt, even if you communicated in a compassionate and effective manner? Chances are you have a fear of conflict.
 
There are very few things more devastating to the potential for long-term relationship success than a fear of conflict. Supplicating to your partner, or anyone for that matter, when your boundaries are crossed will more than likely lead to certain consequences such as building resentment. In time, building resentment needs a release, and this is where the stereotype of the nice person going "postal" comes from. Eventually, all that resentment finally comes out in one full on explosion of emotion, and the people around that person, never saw the rage coming, because that person has always been so accommodating (read: nice) about things. As far as everyone else was concerned, there was never any issue to be worried about, because the person who is too nice, never identified the conflicts he or she was experiencing.
 
Furthermore, another side effect of a fear of conflict can be the bad habit of lying. Lies and lies and more lies, each one to help cover the last one, all in the name of trying to avoid a conflict. Not everyone who fears conflicts lies; however, some do. This is a very bad habit to be in. It gets especially bad when people convince themselves that they are lying to "spare the other person any anguish". Although the liars really do believe, and strongly convince themselves, they are lying for the good of others, the liars will only be able to break this repeating behavior pattern when they can admit they lie to help themselves avoid potential conflicts.
 
THIS is the reason that people who are too nice in relationships often find themselves not easily earning the trust of their lovers. Experience will teach many a partner to be wary of those people that come across as too nice, because new partners will be suspicious about when the next explosion of rage may hit. Caught in the crossfire are people who are very nice, but who are not afraid of conflict. The sad part is that real nice people tend to turn off high quality partners, and attract those people who are in the habit of taking advantage of nice people. Those actual nice people can sometimes feel a sense of frustration because they cannot understand why things continue to not work out in relationships.
 
At the root of fear of conflict is a fear of loss. It has nothing to do with the fear of losing an argument that the conflict might spark. It has to do with how a person will imagine they will be abandoned if they bring the conflict to light. Some people fear conflict because they are worried that having a conflict with someone they care about, might in fact, bring about the end of the relationship. Depending on what the conflict is, the cost of enforcing a boundary could very well be the relationship. In other cases, it is not the conflict that will end the relationship, but a person's inability to handle intense emotions that the conflict brings out. If the person with the conflict is not comfortable with intense emotions, they may bring up the conflict in the only way they know how, which is likely very un-calibrated and comes across as angry, and not a calm discussion.
 
Some people are reluctant to learning to accept conflicts as a part of life because they are afraid that it will cause them to see nothing but conflicts everywhere they look. I attempt to explain to people that conflicts do not just manifest out of thin air. Those conflicts were ALWAYS there and it is just that learning the ability to mange a fear of conflict, also gives the gift of developing a talent to spot conflicts that you previously did not read as conflict signals.
 
For example, part of learning to deal with a fear of conflict is to identify your deal breakers and boundaries. Once you know where your boundaries are, then you will see all those places where your boundaries are violated (thus seeing the signals of conflicts). Until you know yourself enough to be able to articulate your boundaries, you will be unable to manage your fear of conflict because you will not be able to properly put your finger on where the conflict actually exists.
 
The Irony is that you are much more likely to lose what you have if you do not allow for conflicts to surface. People who are too scared to talk it out because they are scared to lose a partner, inevitably end up in situations where they are unable to feel trust in their partners (or vice-versa) because of the silent resentment that slowly builds between them.
 
Resentment kills intimacy. If you have conflicts, you MUST communicate and work them out; otherwise, those conflicts will kill any potential that you would have originally had to make your relationships successful. To summarize, a relationship that cannot handle conflict is a relationship that is destined for doom.
 
Frank Kermit 

Get Out Of Your Own Way
 
By Frank Kermit
 
One of the biggest obstacles that a person can have as an obstruction on their path of finding happiness, peace and healing for their love live, is themselves.  Although most people would welcome a change in their lives regarding the things they are less than content with, most people are not actually interested in the hard work that it may sometimes take to make such changes a permanent reality.
 
Changing the status of your love life is not a pleasant process, even if the resulting outcome is extremely desirable.  The loving pot of gold at the end of your rainbow path of personal development is a goal that requires a person to literally burn parts of themselves away while walking that sunshine colored mountain. 
 
To have something new in your life you have to eliminate certain parts of you that are currently taking up space in your reality.  In every change, there is a progression of the self; in every change, there is a little death of the person that once was.  Each time you make any step forward in life toward knowledge, and especially self-knowledge, a former part of yourself must die off in order for those new learning’s to take full effect. 
 
The best a Frank-student-of-relationships can hope for is that the part dies off is the part that held on to the comfort of ignorance.  If the only thing you lose on your journey of self-discovery is your ignorance, which is a great blessing.   Sometimes people feel that they had to give up a sense of innocence in learning the realities surrounding relationships.  Sometimes people feel like they had to give up on the hope of a fantasy.  Sometimes it just comes down to having to grow up and be an adult about your attitudes and expectations. 
 
The benefit of embracing maturity is that you have the best chance of building the kind of realistic relationships you desire.  The price of maturity is the mourning process that takes place when the child you were has to let go of being in control.
 
“But I don’t want to change!” says the reluctant wanna-be lover.  The expectation that the world will work the way they want it to work, and the refusal to accept the harsh realities of expectations unmet, is a sure fire formula to unhappiness. It is called the school of hard knocks, because many of those hard-hitting lessons knock you off your high horse, until you are ready to accept that just wanting something is not enough to get it.  You earn what it is you want with hard work.
 
Your love life is a result of the behaviors you enact every single day. If you want something in your life to change, you must change your own behaviors as a catalyst. If you want a better relationship partner, you have to become a better potential partner yourself FIRST. 
 
That is what you have control over, and that is where the source of your power to change your love life forever comes from. When I started my own personal development, I too took stock in my behaviors at the time to see where I was getting in my own way.  I noted two very specific areas that needed to change.
 
The fact I had little disposable income to pay for more social activities, and the fact I had little disposable time.  So I made some changes.  One of the things that I changed is that I stopped my hobby of genealogy.  Although researching a family tree is a wonderful pass time and I still think it is a valuable exercise, the time I was putting into it was time away from helping myself. 
 
The irony is that I was spending so much time on the roots of my family tree, that I was not doing enough to focus on growing my own branches of it.  I decided to put that time and money into a new hobby: dance lessons.  In taking stock of the things I wanted to change, one of the listed items was to be able to dance at a wedding.  I changed a behavior that was getting me nowhere, for a behavior that would potentially get me more social experience. 
 
Two years later, I danced at a wedding and did such a wonderful performance, that I ended up having a slew of women ask me to dance for rest of the evening.  As much as I did miss learning more about my roots, and as completely uncomfortable as I was going to the dance studio and tripping over my feet (mostly because as an overweight person I can not even see my feet), and as anxiety-ridden as my heart was having to actually meet new people and create small talk while attempting to look competent as I lead through a waltz…I have to say that in that moment of being approached by so many women to ask me to dance made me forget so much of the emotionally pain I went through to make that kind of change.
 
No one has time to help himself or herself fix their loves lives. You MAKE time by actively choosing your priorities, and accepting that the part of you that is holding back, is exactly the part of you that you need to release. Love that part of you because all it was trying to do is keep you safe, but let it go, because it’s job is done. It was only suppose to keep you safe long enough that you would be around to take a chance on love.
 
Frank Kermit 

What They Do Not Tell You About Having Kids
 
By Frank Kermit
 
I always try to be very practical and realistic in my articles. This can come across very negative, given that my topic is Relationships (and all things relative) and most associations made with love, sex, dating and relationships are generally positive ones. So writers such as I often get scorned for presenting a realistic side of what relationships have to offer. I don't wish for people to walk away from my works with a negative view of love, life, relationships and each other.
 
What I do want to impart is that the reality of relationships, if you are aware and prepared for it, can work in your favor to have a great one. If you are not prepared for the reality of relationships, it is the lack of awareness and preparation that will taint your experience, and not the relationship in question.
 
I am a father. I love my son. The best way I can describe what it feels like to be a father is to tell people that I have acquired a happiness and fulfillment that I never knew I was missing. With that said, there were a number of realities related to having kids, that I was not neither aware of nor prepared for. What I am about to share with you is by no means a complete list. Think of it as an introduction to the things most people will not tell you about becoming a parent.
 
Having a kid means that you will never again take sleep for granted. There simply is too much to do, within too little a time frame, and you don't get any days off. You learn just how much people with children are actually running on very little sleep.
 
Having a kid means you learn to eat garbage and learn to love the taste. Here, I refer to metaphorical garbage, such as biting your tongue when you want to tell off your idiot boss, because even though you would be ready to handle the consequences of getting fired from your job, there is a little person who is depending on you to keep a stable income and whatever company benefits you rely on, to keep that little person healthy, taken care of and safe.
 
Having a kid means that you learn very quickly that all of your hopes. dreams and plans need to take a back seat to the absolute needs of your child. Those ideal vacation spots, alternative career pursuits, and even artistic endeavors will simply have to wait until you work your way into a more stable and affordable situation, which depending on other life circumstances (poor health, employment issues, and family crisis) could make it impossible to ever pursue. Your dreams of writing that book, being known for your art, or pursuing a lofty education really don't measure up against having to care for an infant and tending to you kids basic needs for survival.
 
Having a kid means that you learn very fast that no one gives a damn about you or your kid as much as you thought they did. You and your kids are no one else's first priorities, and people will take care of their own problems before they will ever worry about you and yours.
 
Having a kid means whatever issues you did not resolve from your own childhood could come swarming up when you become the parent. Some people end up reliving their own horrible childhoods as they watch their own children grow up. Raising a kid is hard enough. Battling your own personal demons just makes it that much more difficult.
 
Having a kid means that if you choose the wrong relationship partner, you find out in the worst possible ways. As a relationship coach, I often find my clients very surprised when they go on and on about having thought about finding their soul mate, and I ask them if they talked to their soul mate about common values they would utilize in parenting.
 
Would you be surprised to hear that the majority of people never (and I mean NEVER) considered qualities of being a good parent as a means of identifying a soul mate? If it turns out that your soul mate would be a lousy parent, you may just want to re-consider just what the heck your criteria for spotting a soul mate is.
 
Having a kid means that your relationship will experience extra pressures. Even the best partnerships will feel the strain of parenthood, and will have to separate actually being upset with your partner, versus just lashing out at your partner because you are both at your wits end.
 
Having a kid means that you simply will not meet those deadlines for work because your kid needed you to rush out to a hospital for an ear infection, or dehydration from prolonged gastro, or an injury that took place at daycare. The less support system of have of extended family and friends, the more you will have to run around on empty just to keep a minimal status quo.
 
Having a kid means you have come to realize the most important job a human being could ever have is to be a good parent. It is a hard and nearly thankless job for the most part. It is at that point when you come to terms with that all you can do is the best you can, with what you have, and you just hope that will be enough. If it is not enough, then you and your kid are both in trouble.
 
At the same time, this might be a key factor in you having compassion for your own parent's shortcomings. Even your parents did the best they could with what they had, and when their best was not good enough, it was all you could get.
 
Having a kid means, that if your life did not have any meaning before, it does now.
 
Having a kid means, that you have a new appreciation and understanding for issues that affect the masses, because they affect the world in which your kid is growing up.
 
Issues like censorship, laws regarding keeping people safe, bullying, tuition fees, even changes in government policy that could potentially affect your kids 10 or 15 years in the future matter to you more than they ever could have before. Having walls built around home swinging pools seems like an example of over regulation, until it is your kid that could be in danger of drowning.
 
Having a kid means you realize just how much people who do not have kids, really do not understand what it means to raise a child of your own; and as a parent you cannot take for granted that anyone would care enough or have compassion for your kid the way you do.
 
All those, "If I ever had a kid, I would never..." yappers find themselves touting a different tune when they are the exhausted parent just trying to survive another day during a kid's defiant stage.
 
Having a kid means you learn just how incredibly helpless a parent can feel when your baby is suffering, and there is nothing you can do about it, wishing you could simply take their place and suffer for them.
 
Having a kid means you swap an-exciting-romantic-power-sex evening for an evening of microwave-popcorn-cartoon-movies-and-a-smiling-calmer-kid as a definition of a-good-time-had-by-all.
 
Having a kid means you will be pushed to the very limits of your energy, your patience, your ability, and then...you continue going. You have someone depending on you and thus you simply have too. Parents do not need to watch The Walking Dead. During cold season, parents sometimes ARE the walking dead.
 
Having a kid means that you become acutely aware of your mortality and thus start getting focused on having a legal will in place, or inheritance in place, in case you die, so that a contingency plan is set to care for your kid after you are gone. You may swap your dreams of fame and fortune in exchange to just wanting to own your own house and some land to grow your own food, just in case you don't last long enough to meet your own grand-kids.
 
If you and your partner are thinking about having a kid, and if it is your first, make sure you are ready for the sacrifices and life changes it will bring about.
 
Adhere to the reality of having a kid. Otherwise that lack of awareness and preparation will be the exact reason your relationship may not survive.
 
Frank Kermit