Choosing The Right Partner Is 50% of Your Relationship Success
Originally published July 18, 2016, updated April 20, 2018
By Frank Kermit
Even at your best, you are still only 50% of the relationship. That means that no matter how great a person you are, and no matter how amazing your relationship skills are, you are still only 50% responsible for the relationship success you have.
However, when I coach singles and couples, who claim that the other person must then make up the other 50%, I correct them and tell them that it isn’t necessarily the other person that guarantees relationship success…it is if the first person’s ability to chose the right partner for them.
Yeah, me too sometimes (and I am the one that came up with these original theories!)
Sometimes people assume that if they just “become better”, or work harder on themselves, or become more attractive, that everything in their current relationships will work out.
Although this could make some sense depending on the context it is important to understand that no amount of self-help, new social skills, or personal development will ever adequately make up for a relationship partner that is not the right partner for you.
For example, let’s say that you are a stanch monogamist, and your partner constantly commits acts of lying and infidelity.
The solution to such a fundamental problem is not about the first person become “better”, more understanding, or learning advanced relationship skills in order to fix the relationship by trying to make up for the lack of relational commitment by the other partner.
The only solution to that dynamic is for the first person to end the relationship and choose a new future partner that is compatible with your boundaries and emotional needs.
We do not choose who we love.
However, we do choose who we date and form intimacy with.
You will feel a variety of attraction, attachment and emotions for different people in your life.
That does not mean that just because you feel “something” that you necessarily have to commit to someone that is not right for you nor even act in a manner that keeps you going back to your ex partner.
By the same token, if you have a challenge with feeling anything for someone that would be great for you, that is not a sign that your potential ideal partner is wrong for you…as much as it is likely a sign that you need to re-tweak your own “attraction mechanism”.
If the only people that you are turned on by to date are people that you cannot form an emotionally healthy relationship with that is your red flag; a sign that you need to work on the source of why you end up only seeking out people that you cannot build a future with.
If you are the type of person that continually learns new communication skills, reads every relationship book that comes out, buys the latest better-sex product, and study the topic of love to no end…but you do not cultivate your capacity to choose your realistic potential life partner, then your eventual relationship success will be zero.
The best relationship skills with the wrong partner will never be better than basic average relationship skills with the right partner.
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