Revealing the Secret of Your Sexual Orientation By Frank Kermit I recently watched a YouTube video that one of my colleagues sent me, as an example of what may happen to a young adult (even a teenager) who publicly declares to his or her family, their homosexual sexual orientation. As I told my colleague, it saddens me that such intolerance still exists, and that violence can occur within a family structure. However, this is nothing new. Probably, what is likely the worst element of that video is that it seems to imply (at least to me) that the young man in this video was led to believe he could trust his stepmother with his secret and she fed him a false sense of support, only for her to refuse to support him when he came out to the rest of his family. The young man in the video was living with his grandparents, and when they disowned him and told him to move out, the young man asked to live with his step-mom and dad, and they also refused him. By the end of the video the young man is physically attacked by his step-mom and verbally insulted by his own father. It is very sad indeed. In my practice, I sometimes deal with adults who are still learning about their sexual orientation. Some are questioning if they are straight or gay. Some are not interested in choosing sides as they are attracted to both genders and come to see me about figuring out what kind of relationship they can structure with a long term partner and what is realistically possible. Still others find they are attracted to all genders, transgender individuals, and even some fetish sexual practices (they may occasionally refer to themselves as pansexual). When the question comes up, as to how out these individuals should be about their evolving sexuality the answer I give tends to be along the lines of balancing what you think you may get from it, and what it is going to cost you. In a perfect world, everyone would be able to be completely open about their views, about their ideas, and about their sexual orientations without any fear of consequences or repercussions. However, it is not a perfect world, and depending on where you live, and whom you may take a chance in trusting, it could also be a very dangerous world. So if you are in a position where you want to share a secret of yours to the world, and you cannot predict how others may react to you, here are some tips to keep in mind. First, you are under no obligation to ever reveal a truth about yourself if you will be on the receiving end of violence or abandonment that could lead to your life being threatened. If you are living with people that may kick you out into homelessness, and you have no means of living independently, then do not reveal your secret. If you have nowhere to go, or if you are going to be attacked and left on the street to fend for yourself, then wait until the time comes when you are independent enough that even if you lose people in your life, your basic survival will not be threatened. Second, although fully accepting yourself is part of a healing process, and loving yourself despite others intolerance and disapproval is a must for your own balanced emotional well being, that does not mean you have to put yourself in any position where you will be harassed or victimized all in the name of self-love. Part of self-love is about never putting yourself in harms way. There are times when publicly announcing self-acceptance cannot be held off until you are free from oppression, but it is always important to pick and choose those battles. Use good judgment about when that time is. If you have any doubt about how the people around you would react to your outing yourself, hold off for now. There will come a time in the future when it will be safe for you to express yourself. Until then, stay safe, and work towards the day that you will never have to be dependent for your survival on people who would just as easily abandon you, for you being true to yourself.
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You Know You Are A Parent... by Frank Kermit You Know You Are A Parent... When your child finds it funny to call you by your first name or the pet name your life parent uses. It's OK, eventually, kids train parents best when they learn to use terms like mommy and daddy as parents routinely respond to appropriate stimuli You Know You're a Parent When... By Frank Kermit You Know You Are A Parent When You learn The Pure Pain of Stepping On Tiny Hard Plastic Toys Those toys can be the best possible toys of any childhood I would never get rid of them. But it might be time to get a new toy bin and set up a reward system for tidying up after playing. You Know You're a Parent When... After 2 years of bathing your child is suddenly afraid of water and you have to figure out how to give them a bath -Frank Kermit G. L. Henderson is an award-winning author and in his acclaimed work, "The Fantasy Master" he asks the question, "At what price are you willing to pay to have a Fantasy? Are you willing to give up the love in your life for a temporary moment of pleasure?" G.L. covers a wide range of situations dealing with the human experience. From the mentality of an emotionally battered woman to the sensuous depths she experiences in her imagination and physical being. G.L. was nominated for top new non-fiction author by the Charlotte's Literary and Arts Awards. G.L. is coming off a self-titled national book tour, sponsored by the Oakley Corp. As a finalist for the Ebony Magazine's Top-Rated Eligible Bachelor of 2006. G.L. has a lot to say on the topic of romance and relationships. Covering both the bachelor standpoint, and the feminine perspective, he gives us the privilege of others' experiences... who dare to share. The emotional depth in his work personifies the accuracy and mystery required of such themes. The experiences of the human spirit are explained so eloquently and tastefully through his mind. Infidelity: The Root of Marital Evil - how to get over it and survive Frank Kermit makes his 3rd appearance on The G L Henderson Hour on the Artist First website network. On this show Frank and G L discuss Infidelity: the root of marital evil. A wife catches her husband having an affair, and then catches him with the same woman again. Should she leave him? They have two children together. Also discussed are ways to affair proof your marriage, accidental affairs, making monogamy work, getting past a betrayal of trust, getting over the hurt of an affair and more...Frank also shares his own story of how he got over being cheated on, finding peace and forgiveness and how he coaches singles and couples who are surviving an affair. Can a Threesome Save A Sexless Marriage? Published on Apr 26, 2016 Can a threesome save a sexless marriage? G L Henderson of the Artist First network talks to Frank Kermit about it. This is Frank's 2nd appearance on the show Sexual Health and Families out of Control Date: February 21, 2013 Title: G. L. Henderson Radio Hour Frank Kermit makes his 1st appearance on the G L Henderson Radio Hour. On this show, Frank and G.L. talk about Sexual Health and Families Out Of Control. (Dear Readers. I wrote this article for a local newspaper a few years ago, when a friend of mine on Facebook was trying to help a friend of hers (the father mentioned in the article) get some media attention for a situation that occurred with his son. I was very disturbed by the story I heard and wrote the article and submitted it to the local newspaper. This article, once online, went viral as the parents attempted to share it with everyone they could, and it got other media in the city interested in covering the story. I was happy to have helped this family. -Frank) Every Parent’s Nightmare Just Happened Boucherville Quebec Originally published in September 2012, updated April 20, 2018 Every parent’s nightmare is that the individuals and organizations that we entrust the safety and protection of our children will fail us. Every morning millions of parents send their young children to school hoping that today is not the day that their kids become a news story or marked statistic. Unfortunately for parents Alain and Anik Doucet, their son Justin had such a day. According to Allain Doucet, on Monday September 9, 2013, his son Justin was riding the school bus home from his first day of grade 2. Justin was the last child on the route to be taken home. About a 15-minute walk from Justin’s home, the driver stopped the bus. Justin told the driver that this is not where he lives. The driver told Justin, that he refused to drive any further along and that Justin was big enough to go find his own house. Justin…is only 7 years old. Justin never walked home alone from anywhere his entire short life. After the driver abandoned Justin, Justin started walking as quickly as he could in the wrong direction for about 5 minutes, got lost, and started crying. It was by SHEER LUCK that Doucet’s cousin France Mousseau, who happened to be driving home from Costco, saw and recognized Justin. At first Mousseau did not suspect any problem, but when she did not see Justin’s parent’s car, and realized he was in fact alone, she turned her car around to go get him. Mousseau finally caught up with Justin and asked him what happened. At this point Justin was trembling as Mousseau picked him up, and took the boy home to his parents who were still waiting for the school bus to arrive in their driveway. It was 4:15 pm by the time Justin was returned to his parents. The School day end at 3:35 pm and a direct drive over to Justin’s home is only 11 minutes long. On the morning of Tuesday September 10, 2013, both parents drove Justin back to Pere Marquette Ecole elementary, and went to talk with the principal of the school. This principal called the commission scolaire des patriotes school board to help remedy the situation. After the Doucet’s returned home, the principle called them to confirm the driver had been suspended over the incident. When Doucet asked how long the driver was suspended for, or if he would still be employed and be assigned to a different route, or if he was going to get fired, the principal was unable to answer these questions. The principal was only told that the driver was suspended. After speaking with the principal, Doucet then called the school board directly and asked for a letter to confirm what was going to happen with the driver. The person from the school board told Doucet that such a letter would only be issued for the internal files of the school board, but that such a letter would not be sent to the parents. What makes this story even more distressing is that this is the SECOND time something like this has happened to the Doucet family. Last year, on Justin’s first day of Grade 1, the school bus completely passed by the Doucet house where Justin’s mother Anik Doucet was waiting to greet him. She had to get in her car, and follow the bus for a full ten minutes trying to flag down the driver as Justin tried to tell the driver that he missed his stop. The driver ignored Justin, to the point where Anik had to finally cut off the bus with her car. According to Anik, the chase lasted 10 minutes. There is no confirmation if this was the same driver or not. Each year, due to the traveling work obligations of his parents, Justin starts riding the school bus each year on the first Monday after Labor Day. Although the driver in this case may or may not have been informed about the extra stop on his route, that does not excuse abandoning a 7 year old in your care on the street, says Anik. One can only imagine what could have happened to Justin if fortune had not been on the side of the Doucet family in the form of Guardian Angel France Mousseau. Justin could have gotten lost, hurt, been hit by a car, kidnapped or worse. Although most can agree that this is an absolutely unacceptable situation, the question that remains is: who should answer for this neglectful abandonment of a 7 year old? If Justin had died or been murdered as a result of this incident, there surely would be much more commotion. Does our system need to have a child die before more serious actions are taken to ensure a certain level of competence and caring on the part of the bus drivers? “Driving a bus, is not just driving a bus, you have the life of our children in your hands. This driver should not be a school bus driver again” says Doucet. The Pregnancy Test Scam - But is it Real?
By Frank Kermit There is a disturbing trend that seems to be happening that involves pregnant women supplementing their income by selling positive pregnancy tests online to women who want to use the pregnancy testing device with a positive marking to possibly con their boyfriends or male lovers into proposing marriage. At least that is what the ads claim could happen. An ad on Craigslist claims that the expectant mother, "is selling used testing sticks for $25 each, saying she's been asked so many times, she had decided to start charging." In my own search I also found one on ebay with a listing description of: "Clear & simple brand positive pregnancy test. Done on day of postage. Good for a prank." Is this what it has really come too? Unable to empower herself into a committed relationship, and despite having the full freedom of choice to move on and find a new partner when the one she is with refuses to step up and take their relationship to the next level, that there are women who would rather stay with a man that continually rejects her such that she has to attempt to scam him into getting serious? I wonder at what point will the women, who are successful in getting a proposal with this ruse, turn around and realize they will have to keep the lie going? For example, to what lengths will she go to fake a miscarriage? Will she then try extra hard to get pregnant for real right after the proposal and fake being overdue the 40 week gestational period (assuming she gets pregnant at all)? Is this even something seriously considered by some women? If not, then what is the market that has such a high demand for these positive pregnancy tests (besides an entire audience that wants to prank their loved ones)? Mind you, when I see the number of women in my practice who waste years of their lives, as time runs out on their biological clocks, waiting for their male lovers and boyfriends to "change his mind", I have to believe it is more likely than not. At least these women are not "accidentally" forgetting to take their birth control pills as a means to get what they want (a pregnancy their male partners did not consent too). To the ladies that are actually buying the positive pregnancy tests as a means to trick your male sex partners into a proposal; if nothing else, consider this: When your boyfriend or male lover is not as interested in committing to you the way you would want him to commit, the best choice is to stop seeing him and find a man that wants to be with you. Trying to change the man you are with, or worse, having to scam him into that kind of commitment, will land you alone. If the truth of what you did coming out does not bring about your abandonment, then surely the repeating behavior pattern that this scam reflects will be your downfall. Frank Kermit Tattoos and Relationships:
Beware The L-I-N-K of Love and INK By Frank Kermit While at a coffee shop a few weeks ago, I met a tattoo artist. He had his son's name tattooed on his hand, and being the ever-inquisitive one, I asked him about his profession and the topic of getting the name of someone tattooed on your body. He told me that historically, sailors who traveled from port to port had a history of tattooing the name of the girl they spent most of their time with. At each new port, the name of the previous girl was crossed out, and underneath it was the name of the new girl he met that became the love of his life. The sailors would only spend a limited amount of time at each port, and then head back out to sea. This was also a period of time when vagabond sailors did not have any guarantee that they would be returning to another port, and die at sea; so in essence, they had to make the most of the romance they had today, for tomorrow they may all die. With that in mind, those sailors had very little to lose to the L-I-N-K (love and ink). People in modern times are a different story. The artist told me that he believes that tattooing the name of children on a parent is likely the more acceptable (if not the most acceptable) form of name tattooing because you will always be a parent, and a parent is suppose to always love their children. However he cautioned against tattooing the name of a partner (whether it be someone you are simply dating, or a spouse). In his business, he simply has seen too many good intentioned lovers end up regretting getting their partner's name tattooed on their bodies, and have to end up deciding if they wanted the tattoo removed, or covered up with another tattoo (such as a simple black bar or a more elaborate design). Body modification (piercing, plastic surgery, tattoos and such) does not carry with them the stigmas they used too. Younger people are more accepting of their peers who apply them, celebrities who earn their spotlight though their ability to continue to garner attention indirectly endorse it by having it done, older people who have mostly lived quiet, law-abiding lives sometimes want to experience the rebellious rejuvenation by having something done in the golden years of their lives. But regardless of all of that, getting the name of your partner tattooed, is still something that some tattoo artists simply refuse to do because of the high risk of regret that may follow such actions. What is very strongly recommended is that a symbol be used, instead of a direct name. The symbol could be something that represents how the couple got together, or perhaps a common interest that the couple happens to share. For example, a character from the couple's favorite movie, or perhaps an image of a favorite flower if the couple had flowers play a role in their first date, or perhaps they have the same zodiac sign and that is the symbol they can use. It stands to reason that even if the couple breaks up after the tattoo is completed, that those tattoo images can still have meanings that do not just reflect the past relationship, but a still relevant element of the person that has been marked. I have never had the experience of having a lover want to get my name tattooed on her body. In my younger years, during a very passionately intense time in my life when I lived a much more adventurous lifestyle, the closest I ever got to having a lover have my name tattooed on her body was when I would scribble my initials on my lovers skin using a felt tipped marker. Now before, anyone gets upset, everyone involved was a consenting adult, the marker ink washed off, and it was always areas of skin that were covered in clothing. Some of the women I did this with actually got a thrill, as if I had been some cave man brut who was marking his territory. In fact, one lover made it a point to go shower at the gym to "show off" to the other girls that she had been "marked by her man". There were others who agreed to it for fun, thou I caught them rolling their eyes at how giddy I had become in doing it (well, so much for my masterful masculine image huh?). But that is exactly the point...it was not permanent, so it could be fun. I may never have a Frank fan that would L-I-N-K to me. This is probably a good thing, as I may just be a passing fad or phase to them. But Oh, so help me, I can not help but feel a little ego boost at the thought that someone would be enthused with me that much to consider doing it...maybe that is why, despite the obvious risks of tattooing a partner's name on your body, this practice is continues to be done by a handful of lovers and artists. It is not just about how the marked person feels about the named person being inscribed. It can also be about how it makes the named person feel. If you are going to tattoo the name of your lover, or want your lovers to tattoo your name on them, be sure you all know the risks. If you have any doubts regarding facing those risks at a later time, then do not do it. Frank Kermit A Frank Comment on
Miley Cyrus VMA 2013 Performance By Frank Kermit I do not normally comment on the antics of popular culture, as so much of what we see of movies and TV are fiction based romances and relationships. I tried my best to stay focused on relationships in the real world and write about what realistically works and what does not. Intrigued by the kafuffle of the Miley Cyrus performance at the 2013 Video Music Awards where Cyrus performed a sexually charged number with Robin Thicke I also had to comment. Cyrus who is now 20 years old was a child actress who performed the character of Hannah Montana from 2006 to 2011 on American TV, and part of a very strong brand of childrens entertainment under Disney. Part of the controversy is that Disney strongly pushed the Hannah Montana franchise and branded the image of "Good Girl" Hannah so much that audiences associated those characteristics to actress Miley Cyrus. Even the good people at the Parent's Television Council were angered by Cyrus's more adult performance. Folks, please, it is time for a Frank Reality Check. Miley Cyrus is an ACTRESS/PERFORMER who played the part of Hannah Montana. Her time in that role is over, and as an adult, she gets to decide what role her career can/must take to keep her making a living. Just like any of you will take on roles and jobs that other people may not like, when you get fired or laid off, but need to keep going. She is not a teenager anymore working for Disney. She is a grown woman that wants to take her career where she wants it to go. It is time to respect that, whether you like it or not; she does not have to placate to the wishes of what everybody else wants her to be. Cyrus is no different from her peers in terms of what she needs to do to get noticed in the music business. Keep in mind that Elvis Presley, who is TAME by today's standards was considered too dangerous to be on TV because of the way he shook his hips when he performed. "Elvis the Pelvis" did what he had to do to stand out to get attention in the music industry. Maybe it is not so original, but for some reason it works. It got everyone talking about it. That was the point. I find it almost funny how the people that complained the most were the ones that did not simply click off the remote when it happened. Some people think that artists should not need excessive gimmicks and such to get attention and should expect that talent speak for itself. In both entertainment and dating, that simply does not work. There are plenty of talented people out there that never become stars, just like there are plenty of really good people that never find love. Being talented or being good simply is not enough. In all areas of life you need to market yourself. If Cyrus were looking to break away from her Hannah Montana image, I would say it was a very successful move. Now we get to see what she can really do on her own from this point on. Lastly, yes there is a concern for all the young girls who grew up watching and idealizing her. I will tell you what I would tell the Parents Television Council, as well as any parent that I coach when families face challenges: CELEBRITIES ARE NOT ROLE MODELS. They are entertainers who have a job of being in the public eye. They are human, not divine. And when a gig or job finishes up for them, they move on to the next employment opportunity or start their own. Parents that worry about losing the Hannah Montana role model for their daughters, listen up. Hannah Montana was a character on TV, not a real person to admire. If you really want your kids to have a role model, the BEST role model out there is YOU: THE PARENTS. Our kids will not always do what we say, but they will almost always do what we do. BE a role model for your kids, and stop depending on celebrities and fictional characters to be that role model in your place. Frank Kermit What They Do Not Tell You About Having Kids
By Frank Kermit I always try to be very practical and realistic in my articles. This can come across very negative, given that my topic is Relationships (and all things relative) and most associations made with love, sex, dating and relationships are generally positive ones. So writers such as I often get scorned for presenting a realistic side of what relationships have to offer. I don't wish for people to walk away from my works with a negative view of love, life, relationships and each other. What I do want to impart is that the reality of relationships, if you are aware and prepared for it, can work in your favor to have a great one. If you are not prepared for the reality of relationships, it is the lack of awareness and preparation that will taint your experience, and not the relationship in question. I am a father. I love my son. The best way I can describe what it feels like to be a father is to tell people that I have acquired a happiness and fulfillment that I never knew I was missing. With that said, there were a number of realities related to having kids, that I was not neither aware of nor prepared for. What I am about to share with you is by no means a complete list. Think of it as an introduction to the things most people will not tell you about becoming a parent. Having a kid means that you will never again take sleep for granted. There simply is too much to do, within too little a time frame, and you don't get any days off. You learn just how much people with children are actually running on very little sleep. Having a kid means you learn to eat garbage and learn to love the taste. Here, I refer to metaphorical garbage, such as biting your tongue when you want to tell off your idiot boss, because even though you would be ready to handle the consequences of getting fired from your job, there is a little person who is depending on you to keep a stable income and whatever company benefits you rely on, to keep that little person healthy, taken care of and safe. Having a kid means that you learn very quickly that all of your hopes. dreams and plans need to take a back seat to the absolute needs of your child. Those ideal vacation spots, alternative career pursuits, and even artistic endeavors will simply have to wait until you work your way into a more stable and affordable situation, which depending on other life circumstances (poor health, employment issues, and family crisis) could make it impossible to ever pursue. Your dreams of writing that book, being known for your art, or pursuing a lofty education really don't measure up against having to care for an infant and tending to you kids basic needs for survival. Having a kid means that you learn very fast that no one gives a damn about you or your kid as much as you thought they did. You and your kids are no one else's first priorities, and people will take care of their own problems before they will ever worry about you and yours. Having a kid means whatever issues you did not resolve from your own childhood could come swarming up when you become the parent. Some people end up reliving their own horrible childhoods as they watch their own children grow up. Raising a kid is hard enough. Battling your own personal demons just makes it that much more difficult. Having a kid means that if you choose the wrong relationship partner, you find out in the worst possible ways. As a relationship coach, I often find my clients very surprised when they go on and on about having thought about finding their soul mate, and I ask them if they talked to their soul mate about common values they would utilize in parenting. Would you be surprised to hear that the majority of people never (and I mean NEVER) considered qualities of being a good parent as a means of identifying a soul mate? If it turns out that your soul mate would be a lousy parent, you may just want to re-consider just what the heck your criteria for spotting a soul mate is. Having a kid means that your relationship will experience extra pressures. Even the best partnerships will feel the strain of parenthood, and will have to separate actually being upset with your partner, versus just lashing out at your partner because you are both at your wits end. Having a kid means that you simply will not meet those deadlines for work because your kid needed you to rush out to a hospital for an ear infection, or dehydration from prolonged gastro, or an injury that took place at daycare. The less support system of have of extended family and friends, the more you will have to run around on empty just to keep a minimal status quo. Having a kid means you have come to realize the most important job a human being could ever have is to be a good parent. It is a hard and nearly thankless job for the most part. It is at that point when you come to terms with that all you can do is the best you can, with what you have, and you just hope that will be enough. If it is not enough, then you and your kid are both in trouble. At the same time, this might be a key factor in you having compassion for your own parent's shortcomings. Even your parents did the best they could with what they had, and when their best was not good enough, it was all you could get. Having a kid means, that if your life did not have any meaning before, it does now. Having a kid means, that you have a new appreciation and understanding for issues that affect the masses, because they affect the world in which your kid is growing up. Issues like censorship, laws regarding keeping people safe, bullying, tuition fees, even changes in government policy that could potentially affect your kids 10 or 15 years in the future matter to you more than they ever could have before. Having walls built around home swinging pools seems like an example of over regulation, until it is your kid that could be in danger of drowning. Having a kid means you realize just how much people who do not have kids, really do not understand what it means to raise a child of your own; and as a parent you cannot take for granted that anyone would care enough or have compassion for your kid the way you do. All those, "If I ever had a kid, I would never..." yappers find themselves touting a different tune when they are the exhausted parent just trying to survive another day during a kid's defiant stage. Having a kid means you learn just how incredibly helpless a parent can feel when your baby is suffering, and there is nothing you can do about it, wishing you could simply take their place and suffer for them. Having a kid means you swap an-exciting-romantic-power-sex evening for an evening of microwave-popcorn-cartoon-movies-and-a-smiling-calmer-kid as a definition of a-good-time-had-by-all. Having a kid means you will be pushed to the very limits of your energy, your patience, your ability, and then...you continue going. You have someone depending on you and thus you simply have too. Parents do not need to watch The Walking Dead. During cold season, parents sometimes ARE the walking dead. Having a kid means that you become acutely aware of your mortality and thus start getting focused on having a legal will in place, or inheritance in place, in case you die, so that a contingency plan is set to care for your kid after you are gone. You may swap your dreams of fame and fortune in exchange to just wanting to own your own house and some land to grow your own food, just in case you don't last long enough to meet your own grand-kids. If you and your partner are thinking about having a kid, and if it is your first, make sure you are ready for the sacrifices and life changes it will bring about. Adhere to the reality of having a kid. Otherwise that lack of awareness and preparation will be the exact reason your relationship may not survive. Frank Kermit |
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