Pressures of Parenthood
Can Break Partners Apart By Frank Kermit Our society likes to paint pictures of parenthood as a wonderful world of laughter, solemn moments shared between parents, and between parents and their children. The jokes about all those things that make parenting a frantic experience sometimes seem to be brushed away as just exaggeration designed to elicit laughter. Behind that comedy however, is a terrible truth. It is hard work to be a parent. Couples, who are not capable of handling the pressures that come with new parenthood, can sometimes make the mistake of taking their frustrations out on each other, and seriously jeopardize the future of their family relationships. Experts claim that the best thing to do is simply get your kids into a routine as early as possible. This is very helpful indeed...however, what happens when your baby is not routine friendly? Some newborns fall in with a steady routine, but there are those that do not. Not every child maintains normal sleep cycles. New parents may be secretly struggling to function at their jobs, supporting family and friends and being a parent on almost little or no sleep. If both parents are working, that also means that two people are suffering during infancy years, and if daycare calls saying your kid is sick and has to stay home...somebody may to have to deal with an annoyed employer. If either of the couple has any unresolved issues with their own past childhood, those issue can surely surface in the face of absolute exhaustion and in the process of dealing with a new stage in life, in adopting the mantel of mommy or daddy. Having a child can easily trigger long buried traumas to reemerge, as a person starts to relive their own upbringing, as they attempt to relate to the newness of how a newborn first discovers the world. If there is one thing I hate to see in my practice, it is young families break up within the first years of a child's life. Ironically, those children where brought into the world from love; a love that may still exist underneath the resentment between partners that has festered in part due to a couples inability to deal with the new pressures of parenthood, and blaming their pain on each other. There is no point in talking about being prepared before a baby comes into the family. No matter how prepared you are (and it is a good idea to buy as many baby related supplies ahead of time as possible) you will likely not be ready for the sheer exhaustion that awaits new parents. So instead of trying to be ready to be good parents, it might be a good idea to also try remaining a good partner in your relationship. One of the ways to do that is to remember that you are both struggling right now, and the lack of love you might be experiencing is part of a process that could just be temporary, and that in fact, could very well lead to an even deeper kind of love and commitment because your partner and you have your most important interest in common: the best interest of your children. Frank Kermit
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The Top 3 Frank Wing Rules
By Frank Kermit WING is the term used to define the person that is helping you in your quest to connect with the target of your heart's desire. The role of a wing (whether a wingman or a wing-girl) is simple to understand, but not always easy to pull off. Your duty as a wing-person is to help someone get more opportunity to spend time alone with whomever that person wants to be with. This can involve talking to the friends of the target person, so that those said friends do not interfere with the impending conversation. It can involve being a fill-in on a double date because someone is unable to date at all unless they are able to bring a tag-along chaperone. It can simply involve being a cheering section, where the wing does not take part in any conversation with anyone, and is just there for emotional support and encouragement as someone faces their fears in trying to be more open in a social situation. Having been a wing myself, and having depended on wings in the past, I learned the hard way that there are some top rules to make winging a winning success. 1.Do not travel with your wing. In cases where you are out about town looking to meet new people or trying to better engage someone you already know and like, and want to be open to seeing a potentially romantic interaction through to whatever end you are seeking (for example, sex at the end of the night), never be dependant on your wing for a lift, and never be stuck having to cut the party short because your wing needs to turn in for an early morning appointment. Even if you arrive together, be willing to leave separately as the conditions require. If you are too dependent on a lift because you cannot afford your own way home, you should not be out with a wing. 2.Beware the folly of professional wing services. There are actually paid services where you can hire people to be your wings. Usually, they pretend to be your friend and their goal is to introduce you to new people at a social setting, which relieves you of having to make the initial approach and risk rejection. Now, if all someone is looking for is one night stands and casual hook-ups, then it could work. However, the folly of using these services is that in the event that you meet someone that you really connect with, and there is a real potential for a long term relationship, you are now in the messy predicament of either telling your new partner the truth (that you hired a wing service to help you meet up which could taint how your new partner would relate to you), or to forever keep it a secret and lie about who those wing service pseudo-friends really were (which starts your relationship on a falsehood). Buildings that are constructed on foundations that already have cracks in them make it easier to knock those buildings down. 3. Choose Wings Wisely. Do not choose someone to be your wing just because you are BFF (best friends forever). Your friends may be a reflection of you in terms of who you associate with, but a wing has a very specific goal, which is to give you the time, space and opportunity you need to either meet someone new, or to see if you can take your relationship to the next level with someone you already like. Your friends may not actually be able to help you achieve that goal, especially if they feel in competition for your attention themselves. Friends can sabotage you, without intending too, for the simple fact, their goal may be to spend time with you, and not help you be with someone else. There is more to share on this topic, but that can be explored in a future article. Frank Kermit Sex Between Friends Is Anything But Casual
The Rules Of Friends-With-Benefits By Frank Kermit Sex between friends! There are some different names this particular relationship structure goes by. Sex-friends, Sex-buddies, C.S.B.F. (casual sex between friends) are among the less vulgar terms. Virgins, or those people with just a little sexual experience, call them "practice partners". The one that seems to be the most popular is F.W.B (friends with benefits). It really does seem like a good idea at the time. Neither of you are in serious relationships. You are both friends. You like each other...enough. You feel comfortable and trust each other. You are lonely, horny, curious or just bored. However, like any relationship structure, there are guidelines to follow and not managing your FWB well, will not only cost you the "benefits" but could also cost you both the entire friendship. A proper FWB relationship means you only see each other once a week. Twice a week on occasion if you plan a special getaway. One of the biggest mistakes that partners make in FWB is that they try to see each other as often as they can in a short time period. All this will do is confuse the issue. Seeing each other more than once a week is acting like more serious relationship than it is, and can nurture romantic feelings to develop. If you act like you are more than just a FWB, you can expect one or both partners to start feeling, wanting or expecting more from each other, even if you had "the talk". (The Talk is when you talk and both agree that this is just friends having sex, that it will not change anything in your friendship, and you both understand that this is not going to turn into a relationship. FYI: The talk does not work if you act like you are publically dating regardless of what you agreed to in private before sex.) When you do see your FWB, make sure that it is never on Friday or Saturday nights, as those nights are best left reserved for family and social outings, where you are likely to meet someone that you can have more committed love relationship than that with a FWB. It is key to remember that FWB is a time-limited affair. You are only together for as long as it takes for just one of you to meet, date and get serious enough with another person such that being FWB would become an act of infidelity to the new partner. Once your FWB finds someone new, or you do, you stop being FWB. If you have managed it well, you will hopefully still be friends. If you cannot wish your FWB to be able to find love and happiness with a potential soul mate that is not you...then be ethical. Do not become FWB. FWB is a discreet engagement. No one should ever know you even have a FWB. No one should ever be able to find out just by seeing the two of you together that you are being intimate when alone. When you and your FWB are in the same social circle and happen to be at the same party or social event, you behave like friends who are NOT sleeping together. FWB works behind closed doors when no one is looking. You do not hold hands, kiss or show romantic affection for each other in the presence of your other friends. If your FWB is talking with someone that could be a potential future date for him or her, you cannot express any jealousy. You are not in a public romantic relationship. You are having a private intimate exchange with someone that is a friend. Too the rest of the world, you must present yourselves as nothing but friends. You do not "date" your FWB. You do not attend events "with" your FWB. You can meet up afterwards in secret, but again, keep your mouth shut, as no one should know your private business. In fact, you never even tell your FWB about your other FWB, nor should you ask whom else your FWB has as a FWB. For this reason, use protection and practice safe sex. There are many secrets you can share with friends, but who else is your FWB, and or whether or not you even have one, is not one of them. Virgins can find lots of benefits as FWB. The opportunity to practice kissing, touching, being sexual, without the pressure of trying to get a partner to keep liking you, adding to that the comfort of being vulnerable with someone that is already deemed a friend has prompted many virgins to lose their virginities through FWB. At least that is the theory. Some people who lost their virginities as FWB feel it gave them the confidence they needed to take a chance on the future relationships they went into, while others regret not waiting as they wished they would have experienced their first times within relationships that were more meaningfully committed. Be sure you know what you value. There are things you simply cannot take back. Be mindful that FWB can be educational and very fun. However there are always negatives with this lifestyle. First, great fun can be easily confused with great escapism. Some people thrive as FWB because they have deep-rooted intimacy issues and it is a means to continue that dysfunctional repeating behavior pattern. When fun becomes escapism, the sex stops being satisfying and resorts to just another temporary distraction to combat the entrenched empty feelings associated with intimacy barriers. Ironically, some people only do FWB because they want to see as many people as they can so that they never end up alone. The reality of FWB is that these time-limited love fits, tend to end quickly and the FWB practitioners tend to end up alone at the worst possible times. For example, no one would want to spend Valentine's Day with a FWB when they could have the potential (not even a guarantee, but just a potential) of meeting someone new for a deeper connection which is why many FWB tend to end abruptly just before or on V-day. FWB is not a romantic relationship per se, and if that is all you have ever experienced, you will not have developed the social skills necessary to carry you through the rough patches that even the best-committed relationships go through. You can drop a FWB at any time, and it is actually easier to do so than it is to work out your differences. If you have formed that habit of flight instead of fighting to keep your relationship healthy, then trying to manage a more serious relationship later on will be challenging for you if all you have ever known are FWB. Some people become too reliant on FWB, that they stop being social. It is just easier to continue being with the same FWB and not going out to meet new people. This is a horrible place to be in, because when the FWB ends (and it will), those partners that stopped meeting new people, and growing socially, end up worse off than if they never tried the FWB dynamic. Even if managed well, as mentioned in this article, it is still very possible to end up developing romantic feelings for the person you are semi-regularly sleeping with. Your heart may not get "broken"...but your heart certainly will get dinged. It takes a level of emotional maturity management that not everyone has the capacity for. FWB is not for everyone. Eventually, chances are very high that one or both of you will end up in a serious relationship down the road. The chances are also very high that your future spouse or partner will not want you to continue a friendship with someone that you were secretly intimate with. When getting very serious with someone, it may be the time to tell all about who your FWB were, especially if those FWB are still in your current social circle. This may not apply to all couples, however some people change their open accepting attitudes when not only their hearts are involved, but factor in joint property investments, kids and a lifestyle, such that the idea of spending free time with people that already have established successfully being intimate with their life partner in secret in the past, will cause more trust issues for the future. It will be easier to manage the concerns of the new life partner, than keeping the friendship with an ex FWB is ever worth. Your time as FWB will end at some at some point. If you want to continue to have your FWB, as a friend when it is over, be sure to manage the relationship so that you do not lose, not only your FWB, but also the entire social networks you both were part in. And even then, your friendship will always have an asterisks next to it, so don't expect that friendship to last forever either. Just like any other endeavor that comes with lots of immediate "benefits", in the end, you end up having to pay the price over time for them. Sometimes the long term cost effects weren't worth the initial benefits you were provided. Shop carefully! Frank Kermit Friendship Is Meaningless
Stop Hanging Out With Friends Who Sexually Reject You By Frank Kermit Friendship is meaningless. There I said it. Now before you shoot one of your nasty emails to the editor, actually read this column to understand the context where this is true. A young man in his 20s came up to me after a workshop I conducted. He had really made an effort to participate to learn about how attraction works, and he seemed troubled by something I had said. It was in the context of calling friendship meaningless when one person has affection for the other, but the other person does not return that affection. He was in a situation where he was spending every Saturday night with a female friend that he was in love with. They would watch movies at home, and even hold hands, but when he tried to kiss her or talk about getting into a dating relationship, she would reject all his advances. She was a single mom and had no interest in dating anyone. All she wanted was to raise her kid, and spend time with friends, but not get involved with anyone. So, he continued to hang out with her every Saturday night, sometimes holding hands but nothing else waiting for the day she would change her mind. At the same time, there was a second girl in this story that was interested in dating him, however he could not see past his "movie buddy" to give the second girl a chance. The guy is this story is wasting his time on a meaningless friendship. He wants a romantic relationship with a female friend that is sexually rejecting him. The second girl in this story is also wasting her time in a meaningless friendship waiting for a guy that does not value her enough to give her a chance at a deeper connection. If either rejecter in this story had taken the chance with the person who loved them, they could be enjoying the benefits and happiness that can result from being in a loving relationship with someone that can know you like a friend, and feel you like a lover. However, many rejecters are reluctant to take the chance, often citing not wanting to lose the friendship. Herein lies the irony. You cannot lose something that does not exist. There is no friendship to lose, because once someone has feelings for the other, the friendship becomes a facade. It is not real, because the one in love with the friend is holding out, waiting for the other to change. Waiting for someone to change to like you enough to make the leap is not an acceptance of a friend, which is a requirement for friendship. If there was a friendship there originally, before the feelings of one person surfaced, then that friendship is now over. Romantic feelings negate the friendship. Through my personal experience, as well as my practice as a relationship coach, I am very much convinced that constant exposure to a friend that you are in love with, that does not return that love, can be very emotionally damaging to the person who is on the receiving end of that sexual rejection. Constantly exposing yourself to regular sexual rejection from them same person helps establish a repeating behavior pattern where you will eventually end up associating having feelings for someone with the feelings of being rejected. This means that over time, you will have your attraction for someone triggered if they reject you and mistreat you, yet if someone that treats you well, or shows you positive romantic attentions, you will eventually train your emotional intelligence to get turned off by the very person that values you enough to take a relational risk with you. This is why when someone sexually rejects you, it is important NOT to continue to spend time with that person under the guise of a friendship, in the hopes they will be open to it later. That constant exposure to being rejected sexually again and again, instead of seeking the attentions of someone new, runs the risk of become too familiar to you. If constant sexual rejection becomes too familiar to you, you could develop an unhealthy attachment that would forever forge you into pursuing people that don't actually like you, or would just use you. (A-ha moment anyone?) That same attachment would also turn you off from those individuals that are actually interested in having a legitimate loving relationship with you. Staying in a friendship where you are constantly being sexually rejected is bad. It could make getting into a loving relationship in the future more challenging because you have trained yourself to respond to people that reject you, instead of responding to people that like you. The kind of friendship where this is going on is a bad friendship. If you have to choose between maintaining a bad friendship or having no friendship of any kind with the person you asked out and rejected you, then it is better to have no friendship at all. A bad friendship is a meaningless friendship. Frank Kermit Pick And Choose Your Fights
By Frank Kermit Fighting in relationships is normal. The issue is not whether you fight. The issue is HOW a couple fights. Do they talk out their disagreements? Do they wait until they are alone together, or fight in front of others? Do they resort to name calling and screaming for even the most trivial things? Do they throw furniture at each other? Or, do they not fight at all, fearful of the potential consequences (real or imaginary) and let their anger simmer until it turns into blinding resentment, possibly erupting in a massive rage outburst. It is not even a question of finding ways not to fight. The focus is on helping people understand to pick and choose their fights in a relationship. This Frank Rule of Relationships, to pick and choose your fights, is also a great Calibration tool. Knowing how to screen if a fight is worth the effort, or if a fight is a waste of your time, can help smooth things along for long-term relationship success. It is important to judge who you are fighting with. Is the person you are about to engage with someone that is toxic (meaning the person lacks the capacity to reason or be reasonable)? Then your attempts to argue with such a person are futile. For example, an addict that is in the throws of withdrawal and desperately demanding money from you to feed the addiction is not in a reasonable state of mind where your attempts of talking to him or her out of it, will most likely not be effective. Even therapists try to arrange their sessions with addicts to happen at a time when the addict would be most receptive to talking. It is also important to be able to access your own ability to manage an unpleasant discussion that can easily turned heated. Know thy self, dear reader. If you can estimate that you would be unable to properly and maturely discuss a matter at a given moment, arrange with your partner to be able to talk about it at a later time, when you have had the chance to cool down and can be in a more rational and accepting frame of mind. In picking and choosing your fights, it is not about going to either extreme of always fighting with people about everything, or never fighting with anyone regardless of what they do to you. It is about being able to decipher when it is worth the time and effort to express yourself, when it is necessary to communicate a consequence that you will enact based on your reaction to others, and when you shouldn't even bother trying at all. If you zealously argue for every inconvenience you suffer, regardless of how important it is or isn't, you will likely lose credibility in the eyes of those you regularly communicate too. It can also very likely isolate you as few people want to be around the professional protestor, who usually do not understand that fighting about the political climate you are living in does not mandate the same reaction as your toast being under-toasted at the breakfast you ordered at the local greasy spoon. When you do pick the fight that you think is worth it, and assuming you are dealing with a reasonable person, and assuming that you are in a good frame of mind, make the distinction between expressing your issue, and issuing a consequence to the issue. When you express the issue that you are willing to fight about (it could be a boundary, a need of yours, or a manner in which you expect to be treated) it is important to simply state the issue. For example, when a cashier is spending time on the phone instead of doing her job, expressing your issue when you pick this fight may sound something like: "Excuse me miss, when I come to the cash register, I would appreciate that you get off the phone with your friend, and do your job." Here you are not resorting to name-calling, screaming, or threats. You are directly, calmly and clearly stating your issue when picking this fight. If the cashier is actually a reasonable person, she will realize the importance of your expression, and will follow through to accommodate you. If the cashier is a reasonable person having an unreasonable moment (or maybe she is just toxic after all), she may try to justify her position or try to attack your position as in: "This will only be a minute, are you that much in a hurry?" It is at THIS point, that you would go from expressing your issue to enforcing your issue by stating a consequence, which could sound something like this: "Miss, if you do not end that call and do your job right now, then I will have to take up this matter with your manager, who I am sure will not be as open to your pressing call." The key is that you do not mention the consequence until after you have given the person a chance to wake up, for what could be just a bad day for them. Conflict is never a pleasant situation. However, it is a part of life, and your ability to pick and choose your fights will help determine your ability to manage your long-term relationship success. You do not have a choice when it comes to what people may try to put you through, but you do have a choice to how charismatic you can try to be when it happens. Frank Kermit Asking The Hard Questions
By Frank Kermit When trying to decide if you should be committed to someone, moving in with someone, getting engaged, and getting married, each new transition brings about the unpleasant task of asking the hard questions. Romance is a wonderful thing; the passion, the anticipation, the fantasy, the hope, the sex, the titillating drama of starting something new can all encompass you like a drug, and takes you on an emotional journey of escapism. There is nothing quite like the roller coaster of dismal low points, and peak climaxes. However, once that is out of the way, the real relationship begins, and so too the asking of the hard questions. This is especially true if you are getting married. Getting married is more than just planning a wedding day. You are choosing a person to build a future with which likely includes major financial investments (home/vehicle), sharing resources, supporting any particular lifestyle, and possibly children. Sounds unromantic? You bet it is. Asking the hard questions is about making sure that you know what you are getting yourself into and that if there is any reason you would not marry someone for, that you ask the hard question directly. Each of us has our particular limits as to what we can be open minded about. Each of us draws that line differently. In my practice I have met individuals and couples that draw the line in a variety of places of what they would and would not accept. What one person simply deems completely unacceptable is nothing more than a minor footnote in the criteria of another person. The key is to find a life partner that loves the good that you bring to the relationship, and can accept the bad that comes with the baggage as well. Once you have that, you have a good opportunity to build the kind of relationship foundation necessary to manage the storms of life that ransack long term relationship success. That is why it is important to ask the hard questions before going through with any promoting of your relationship to the next level. Here are some examples of hard questions to ask someone that you are about to marry: Have you ever been legally charged with something? Have you ever been convicted, and or do you have a record? What is your credit rating and what is your financial history? What is your sexual history? Have you had sex with anyone that is going to be invited to the wedding? Did you have sex with someone that would make me not marry you (like a family member of mine)? Is your family in support of your change in relationship status with me? What is your history regarding metal health? Have you ever contemplated or attempted suicide? Have you ever done anything in your past that might come to haunt us (or our children)? What dark secrets of your past could one of your ex-lovers and ex friends share about you? Did you ever have a child that was given up for adoption that could try to locate you someday? Is there anyone that may want to seek revenge on you and your family that I need to know about? For some people, the "wrong" answers to any of those questions are enough to call off the wedding. For others, there is no wrong answer to any of those questions, and it is just a matter of knowing the full story. Just keep in mind that whatever questions you choose to ask your fiancé, is likely also going to be a questions your fiancé will ask you. It swings both ways. I often get asked what if a person lies to you when you ask these questions. The truth is, just asking the hard questions will not guarantee that you will get the truth. A liar is a liar is a liar. However, TIME always works against a perpetual liar as the repeating behavior pattern makes it near impossible to keep a web of lies intact, as more lies are spun to re-enforce the previous lies. The sign you are with a perpetual liar is that they lie about too many things, and start getting caught on little things, that eventually affect their credibility on the big things. I have found this comes up in my practice when one of the couple happens to be an addict, and the other partner finds out because of the number of inconsistencies that arise when the addicted partner tries to cover up the drug use. If you are too afraid to ask certain questions, or feel the need to refuse to answer certain questions, a last resort that you may be able to use is the "Ultimate List Exercise". This exercise involves each person in the couple to write out a list of Ultimate Personal Deal-breakers. Also known as the "I would not marry you if..." list, a partner lists every conceivable realistic reason that he or she would not marry their partner. Then the partners switch lists. If you read something on your partner's list that applies to you, you have the opportunity to call off the wedding and break the engagement, without having to reveal which deal breaker you violated. In this manner, you both have the chance to do the right thing, while at the same time, maintain whatever privacy is necessary. Now, if for whatever reason, you find yourself unable, or unwilling to ask the hard questions or make the lists because you are afraid of losing the relationship, that is a sign you may be in the wrong relationship to begin with. If you are afraid of the answers you might get from the partner you are asking, or you are afraid of the answer you would have to give your partner when he or she asks you the same question, that is a sign that it is not time to get more serious with that person. Frank Kermit Common Sense for Common Scents
By Frank Kermit As the holiday season approaches, invitations begin to swarm in for get-togethers from family, friends and even office parties. It is a time of people coming together, and in some cases, the only time you may connect with certain people for the duration of a year (assuming there are no weddings or funerals in between). It is a time of reflection, remembering people that are no longer with us, cherishing those that still are, and a time of closeness. Except for one tiny potential problem. Some of those people that wish to get close to you simply may not realize just how bad they stink. Whether it is bad body odor, bad breath, over indulgence of perfume and cologne, or clothes that have a lifestyle smell embedded into the weaves of their garments; your odor is something to be very mindful of when going to gatherings, especially if you have intentions of getting close to people, or you will be seated next to others. One of the key factors about being mindful of your nose-full, is that you won't smell yourself in time. Our scents are with us all the time, and we grow accustom to our emanations. Since we are used to our own smell, we tend to take for granted and forget that others will be affected by what we no longer pay close attention too. By the time you get a whiff of yourself, it is usually too late, as you are one of the last people who nose just how bad you were. (Get it? Get it? "knows" and "nose"? Get it?). If your odor was as bad as my last joke, it is time to take account of your smell stocks. Sometimes I get clients coming to me asking me why they struggle so much to find a love connection. A handful of them claim that no matter how much they learn to seductively speak to someone, they are unable to find a partner that does not turn their nose up at them. "It is like everyone is just so snooty with me", says one client to me who tries to explain how he is greeted with snob-like behavior when approaching new people. After sniffing about the evidence of the case, I detected that the client, a chain smoker, might have been giving the targets of his affection a snout-ful of what kissing him might be like. For that particular client, it was not just his breath, but also his clothes sent off smoke signals like radio waves as his lifestyle had wormed its way into the fibers of his being. It was one of the saddest moments I had ever witnessed when I explained to him that it might be his odor. He was so used to it, that he was not even aware of the smell. He learned a hard lesson: lack of proper aromas equals lack of a proficient Romeo. Anyone that has years of experience riding public transit will tend to confirm the unpleasant memories of being squished like sardines next to people that reek. You never forget your first whiff. Those that suffer from migraines and are scent-sensitive will also tell you just how important managing your smell can be before you trigger an unintended effect in the people you want to associate with. Here are some common sense suggestions for common scent situations to help you stay stench free this month. 1-Bathe: If the office party starts right after work, leave work early or arrive to the party late so that you have time to go home, shower and change the clothes you have been sweating in all day. 2-Carry a mini-toothbrush, mini-toothpaste and even mini-mouthwash whenever possible, and use them before and after your outing meals. Gum and mints help too. 3-Watch what you put in your mouth. When socializing, there are certain foods to just avoid consuming because of the ill effects on your breath. When it comes to relationships, dating and socializing, your foot is not the only thing you need to try to avoid putting in your mouth. (I will save the foot fetish jokes for a future article). 4-Do NOT overdo it with perfumes and cologne which also includes aftershave, and underarm deodorants. Too much of a good thing can be just as bad, and sometimes even worse than a bad one. If you cannot find a balance, aim for neutral no-scent. 5-If someone offers you a piece of gum, or a breath mint, even after you have refused it once, TAKE THE HINT AND TAKE THE MINT. They are being polite about trying to indicate to you that your breath is not ever so fresh. If someone does take you aside and lets you know that your odor is not pleasant, and the person does so in an honest, straightforward, private manner, which helps protect your reputation and maintain face, then THANK THE PERSON. That person is being your best friend, even if what you are being told is embarrassing for you to hear. That person is acting bravely to tell you what everyone else is thinking but too afraid to help protect you from yourself. If you react badly to that kind of honesty, you will only succeed in pushing away the very people that would bring real value in your life. Frank Kermit The Art of Storytelling on a Date
By Frank Kermit One of the challenges that people face when they go on dates is that they may not factor in that others will not understand what they are trying to communicate because of the way they express the stories of their life. Most people assume that the world will understand the moral and meaning of their story with the exact same intent as the storyteller. This simply is not so. Audiences (including the person you want to be intimate with) will tend to interpret your story, not the way you interpret your own story, but the way the listener can best understand it, using the listeners own context and situated knowledge. Situated knowledge refers to a person's knowledge based on their life experience, education and intelligence and acknowledges just how limited it can be. A person who grows up in a situation where they never feel safe as a child, will have a situated knowledge as an adult to first view all experiences and interpret all stories with whether or not their safety is threatened. It is at the heart of misunderstanding each other. For example, a man on a date wishes to communicate to a woman that he is confident because he believes that women are attracted to confident men. Most people understand this concept. If the man tells a story about a time in his life when he was confident, his story could potentially include disparaging remarks about other people he surpassed in the event that he found confidence in himself. In his philosophy, he may define being confident as not being afraid to speak his mind about others in a negative fashion. He tells his story with the intent to communicate that he is a confident man. Now, if a woman interprets his storytelling communication in the same way he intends it, then she will likely also view him as a confident man. The core of this connection is the fact they already have similar primary values. However, it is just as possible that a woman may interpret that exact same man as completely lacking in confidence, because she interprets his disparaging remarks of others as a sign of insecurity on his part. In her philosophy, a man that must actively disparage others gets interpreted as a low value male who has no real character of his own. Instead of interpreting his storytelling with the same intent as he expresses it, she interprets his storytelling through her own situated knowledge and in this way, identifies a red flag which signals that she does not want to date him again. The best stories to tell are true ones. Choose real life examples that include your best childhood memories, your peak life experiences, and express not only the things you love, but what are the emotional experiences behind those things you love. The person who loves sports and the person who loves cooking can still form a deep rapport and have a connection. Despite the surface subjects of sports and cooking not seemingly having much in common, it is how each person expresses how those things make them feel where a similarity can be found. The high excitement of watching the winning point being made in the big game can be very akin to the high excitement of an intensely well prepared meal being enjoyed at a holiday family gathering. The kind of bond that effective storytelling can elicit on a date can make or break a relational happy ending. It can be the difference between finding someone "nice but uninteresting", and finding someone you spend your waking hours totally in anticipation of seeing them again, and again, and yet again. If you find yourself on a number of first dates, but not a lot of second dates and cannot figure out what it is that you are doing wrong, you may want to develop some effective storytelling social skills so that every story you tell on a first date addresses the emotional needs of the person you are dating. Frank Kermit First Date Conversations:
Tips for the Tongue-tied By Frank Kermit First dates. Yikes! The pressure! The Horror! What the heck are we going to talk about!?! As exciting as first dates can be for some people, it can cause inner crisis for others. Some of us chatty types have no problem finding new ways to learn about someone we are interested in, while others get tongue-tied and come across as creepy interrogators. So let's look at some guidelines for conversations for a first date. There are certain things that you do not talk about on a first date. No talking about your ex's in any negative way is the first guideline. The more you trash your ex, the more you actually comment about your own lack of judgment of character. After all, you did chose to date your ex. You do not control who you like, but you do control who you date. (Taking responsibility stinks doesn't it?) When the topic of ex's comes up, talk about what you learned about yourself while dating your ex. It is a lot more calibrated and shows your charisma. If your ex cheated on you, maybe you learned that you could be too trusting, or that your expectations were unreasonable, or maybe you have learned to take your time getting to know people better. See how much more enticing this sounds than calling your ex a bunch of two-timing names? No talking about sexual histories. There is nothing wrong with sharing sexual histories later in the relationships. In fact, the more serious you get, the more you need to share. As far as first dates go you are still trying to figure out things about the other person such as: is the other person capable of handling how many partners you have been with? Furthermore, are you sure you can trust this new potential partner with any of your personal information that you would not have shared in your social circle, or posted about on social media? First dates are not the time for deepest and darkest secrets. Sharing too much information when you have not fully tested the person you are sharing it with, can come across at best as needy behavior and at worst as a red flag behavior. The only time you need to share those most intimate secrets, is when you know that the person you are with might chose not to be with you if your secret is found out. For example: let's say you have a STI (sexually transmitted infection) and you reach a point where you and your partner are about to have sex on the first date. If you have any sort of STI that you know of, it is at the very least, the moral thing to let the other person know so they have a choice in the matter if they want to put themselves at risk. Depending on what you have, and the laws that govern that territory, it may even be the law to share that information. If you knowingly infect someone with a disease that could potentially kill them (directly or through complications), you could very well be charged with murder. If you are asked, tell the truth. If you have reasons not to tell the truth, then do not have sex. In terms of topics on a first date, some good advice is to never continue the same topic throughout the entire date. No matter how interesting you think your job is; if that is all you talk about on your date then you are B-O-R-I-N-G (and likely getting used to being alone). A great first date will have a least 3 locations. The place where you meet up, the place you switch venue too, and the last place is the place where you would be able to have sex (if it goes there). A good guideline is that if you talk about a certain topic (i.e. favorite places you have traveled) that you limit that conversation to the location that it came up in. You do not talk about the places you traveled the entire date. When you move location, you change the conversation topic no matter how interesting that topic was at the previous location. Conversations on a first date are never about entertaining the other person. They are about scoping out what kind of person you are dealing with, and what kind of relationship you can have with that person. Is the person you are dating one-night-stand material? Marriage potential? Could the person you are seeing tonight be the absolute perfect soul mate for your best friend who is sitting at home alone tonight? Conversations on a first date must include sharing stories that relate value, boundaries, expectations and your emotional needs. Here are some fun conversations games you can try using: The Love-Hate game. With this game one person picks a category and the other person has to name one thing within the category they love, and one thing in the category they hate. Then they switch roles. For example, one person says "seasons" and the other person responds with "I love autumn, I hate winter." Then they switch and the second person says "sport", and the first person says, "I love tennis, I hate football"...and so on. In a short amount of time, you can find out a lot about a person, and it can lead to a number of conversation spin offs. It can also give you topics to stay away from. Another game is the Five Million Dollar Question. With this conversation game you are checking to see what values and life plans a potential partner may already have in place, or if they never really think about their future. You ask the person what they would do with their first million, what they would do with their second million, what they would do with their third million...and so on. Do they mention things like a trust fund for their current children, or future children? Do they talk about shopping and traveling the world and with which million? Do they talk about helping the less fortunate or a favorite charity? Do they mention family and friends they would like to help and how? Do they list a number of items they would buy for fun (or revenge)? What is the order in which they would they spend their money? The game does not cover if the money is from winning the lottery, an inheritance, or based on some means of earning it. It is about seeing what a persons priorities are. When conversations on a first date stop being about trying to impress or entertain your date, and becomes motivated by your curiosity to learn as much as you can about the other person, it is a lot easier to find topics to talk about. Frank Kermit A Broken Engagement
is Better Than a Happy Divorce By Frank Kermit One of the ironies of couples counseling that I often find myself doing is taking the couple through the pre-marital coaching process when they may already be at the end of their relationship. I often ask them questions about their expectations about where they would have wanted their relationship to go, that are the same questions that couples who are ABOUT to get serious need to be asking. Sadly, many couples get committed sooner than they should without having some much needed conversations. These include, the desire to have children together and taking into account any children that either person already has from previous relationships, the financial management of the new family, past mental health issues that could resurface, where you would live if you had to suddenly move from your current city, how you want your remains dealt with at the end of your life, and all the things you current do not like, but tolerate in your new partner that you HOPE will change. These also include any past life issues that the new partner should be aware of such as any past trauma that could impact their future together, a criminal record, past bankruptcy, and anything incriminating that someone else may have on you that could become an issue (such as ex-lovers having potentially embarrassing and explicit photos and videos of you). It does happen that when couples go for pre-martial coaching they end up coming to the conclusion that they should not be together after all and cancel the engagement (whether an official engagement, or an emotional one). The purpose of pre-martial coaching is not to break couples up, but to build a solid foundation for the future relationship (parenting, marriage, common law, or de facto spouse). In the process of asking hard questions, it may come to their attention (and surprise) that the couple finds they simply have too many irreconcilable differences that would eventually end their union. This is a horribly sad time for the couple, as well as, anyone around them who share in their pain. However, I am here to tell you that a broken engagement is far better than going through a happy and amicable divorce. Marriage (or any serious long term commitment) takes work. It is not always going to be easy. There will be times, even in the best of couples, that one or both of you may feel that being together was a mistake (shhh!! It is a secret that no one wants you to know!) It is normal to question your choice. It is not about how much you love someone. It is more about how you get along. Contrary to what romantic entertainment would have you think: real couples, in real life relationships, have real hardships, and real doubts. It is those couples that can separate the passing doubts that can be worked through from the irreconcilable differences in values that bring about breaks up and divorce, who stand the best chance for long term relationship success. If you are engaged to be married, but are having seriously strong doubts that you do not think are going to pass, hold off getting serious or call it off. When in serious doubt, stay out. If nothing else, pre-marital coaching will teach you that it will take everything you have to keep it together long term and in that, there is no doubt. Frank Kermit |
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