Kissing on a First Date:
Learning To Love The Lip-Lock
By Frank Kermit
You always go in for a kiss on the first date.
A first kiss isn't just for those dates that went really well from the get go. Sometimes, you might not really even know how you feel about someone after you have been on a full date with them, and it takes a kiss to ignite the chemistry that may be laying dormant underneath what could be confusing or neutral feelings. A kiss is likely not going to salvage a potential relationship that is dead on arrival.
However, a kiss can be the start of a potentially passionate connection if all the other elements are already there and just needed the kiss as a trigger for the kiss-boom. In fact, the right kiss, with the right chemistry, can turn the end of a mediocre date into an invitation inside for a nightcap, to a satisfying breakfast in bed the next morning.
Not going for the kiss is WORSE than going for it and being rejected. Even if your attempt to kiss at the end of a first date is rejected, it is still a good thing that you went for it. Going in for a kiss sexualizes the social dynamic. There is no vagueness. There is no guessing if the other person likes you. Your interest is out there and the other person has to deal with it and not waste either of your time with indecision.
For those people that claim that waiting for a kiss adds mystery and intrigue to a potential relationship, they do not factor in that it only works that way if the two people ALREADY like each other. If even only one person in that couple is unsure, or at the very least feeling neutral about the other person, going in for the kiss forces the issue. If you like drama, going for a kiss, whether it is a good kiss, a bad kiss, or a rejected kiss carries a heck of a lot more drama with it, than not going for the kiss at all.
One thing is for sure. If you want to stay "just friends" with someone, then NOT going in for that kiss at the end of a date is a pretty secure way of only ever being a good friend. Being friends can be a good thing, but it is a lousy prospect if you want MORE than just friendship with the person at the center of your heart's affection.
I know one person who said that he never goes in for the kiss because he wants to show a girl that he likes that he respects her. For the record, this particular 26-year-old guy never had a girlfriend in his life. I asked him if he ever considered that the girl might have a different interpretation. He seemed confused. I pointed out to him that unless she understood that he was purposefully not trying to kiss her as an expression of respect, that the girls he dated might have in fact interpreted his lack of action as a lack in romantic interest in them.
The look of remorse and realization that took over his face is forever etched in my memory.
For people that are new to kissing, or wanting to experiment with kissing techniques, here are some tips. To practice getting used to unfamiliar tongue movements, fill up a glass with ice cubes only and move them around with your tongue. The idea is to deal with your own awkward feelings about the physical nature of kissing, so that when you get to that point in real life, kissing feels familiar and you can enjoy the good vibes that kissing can produce throughout your body. Start with a gentle peck on the other person's lips then back off just a few centimeters. Then go in again, and gently lick the other person's lips with your tongue, then back away again. Go in again and repeat until it turns into a French kiss when the other person opens their mouth.
Some people do not like French kissing, so let the other person invite your tongue in for a more passionate lip locking if it is within their scope of comfort, but never force your tongue in.
Should you close your eyes? The rule is, the person leaning in for the kiss keeps their eyes open, until lip meets lip. Otherwise, you run the risk of poking someone in the eye with your nose! (Did that myself, and did it ever ruin the moment.) The person on the receiving end of the kiss gets to close their eyes and enjoy the lip-locking landing.
A word about boundaries...When someone tells you, "I never kiss on a first date" they are expressing a boundary. Respect it. Find out what that person's boundaries are and when a first kiss IS an option. If the person says, "a kiss is OK on a third date"; then back off and wait until the 3rd date. However, there is a catch. You respect the boundary to the point where, if your partner seeks to break his or her own boundary, you refuse to give in. It is a test. If you give in to the kiss, you will likely not see that person again. If trust and safety are important to the person who stated the boundary you will get the kiss, but likely not another date. If you hold out, you are more likely to get to see that person again, and the good night kiss might just be one of those times you end up making that person breakfast the next morning.
Finally, when you do kiss (whether it is the lousy-peck-on-the-cheek type or the lasting-wet-passionate-curl-your-toes-shivers-down-spine-tingling-in-the-fingers type of kiss) you never kiss and tell. Never. Not your best friends, not your closest confidant, and not your social networks. The person you kissed may tell, but you never let your lips slip loosely. In time, the more people that learn you keep your kiss history to yourself, the more people will offer to be part of your kiss list history.
FRANK KERMIT MA
EXPERT RELATIONSHIP COACH
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