The Hierarchy of Sex, Dating and Relationships
By Frank Kermit
 
One of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships is to promote someone up the hierarchy of commitment that has not really earned it.

​The Ten Levels of Commitment In the hierarchy of relationships (specifically romantic relationships), the categories are: 

• Legal Spouse (can be substituted with Life Partner, or Co-Parent)
• Engaged Fiancé  (can be substituted with Live-in Partner) 

• Monogamous Exclusive Partner  OR  Non-Monogamous Primary Partner (Same Level)
• Casual Dating (Public) Partner
• Friends-With-Benefits (Private) Partner
• One-Night-Stand
• Non-Romantic Friend
• Off-Limits-For-Now
• Off-Limits-For-Ever
• Toxic

From least committal (Toxic) to most committal (Legal Spouse).

Below is a Chart from the chapter The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships from my coaching workbooks.  One of the principles I teach in my coaching workbooks for men and women, "I'm A Man, That's My Job" and "I'm a Woman, It's My Time" respectively is that to make any relationship work is that COMMITMENT MUST BE EARNED. ​

​

​For example, let's say the person you are casually dating (non-exclusive partner) is someone that drinks alcohol regularly, but your personal criteria for a spouse is someone that rarely drinks at all.
​

The reason being that there is no point in getting exclusive with someone if there is no long term possibility with that person. Even if you are madly in love with that person, you still must resist the temptation to seek a stronger commitment with that person.
​

When you take your relationship to the next level (promote your partner up the hierarchy) it has to be based on how your partner continues to prove he or she satisfies your personal criteria.

And when you demote a partner down the hierarchy (from exclusive partner to friends-with-benefits) it cannot be because you "just are not feeling it right now".

It has to be because they have stop satisfying your criteria.
​​​

How you feel about a person plays less of a role in emotionally healthy relationships that most people think.​

At which point, many would-be lovers flee before the next dating encounter.
 

For those that reject dating adult aged virgins, reasons may include: 

• not wanting to deal with the pressure of being someone’s first,
• not wanting the virgin to regret losing their virginity (facing resentment), and ​
• not having to wait for the virgin to feel ready for sex.  

​
Potential partners who have previously been sexually active tend not to revel in the notion of waiting what could be weeks, or even months, for the virgin they are dating to feel ready and comfortable for first time sex. 
 
It makes no difference if the potential partner is simply seeking a casual dating partner and sex for fun, or those looking for a more serious commitment.  Neither of them wants to wait longer than they are used too in order to explore sexual compatibility and enjoyment. 


In fact, even some match making companies will refuse to take on virgins as clients because of how difficult they may be to find a match for.
 

As far as my personal practice goes, the only people that hope to meet a virgin to marry one day are those from very strict religious and cultural backgrounds who seek the same.

Compatible Financial Values in Relationships
By Frank Kermit
 
There are different ways that a person can show they love their families.

Not everyone feels comfortable verbally expressing feelings. 

It is important for families to be aware that expressing love has many forms. Some people use words, some offer gifts, some show their love by staying up late at night perched at the window waiting for you to come home. One of the ways that people may express their love for one another is how they manage their finances towards their future relationship goals.


When I coach couples about to get married or who have the intent of become life partners, one of the areas I cover with them is the exploration of their compatible values, including their financial vales.


It is important that couples who are planning to build a future together, which may include planning to have children together (or coming to terms with how they will jointly raise any existing children from previous relationships) also talk about financial planning for their futures as well.


Planning to have children together? I get the couple to talk about a possible education fund, or the possibility of a trust fund. Some couples feel that it is a good idea, while others might feel that it is best to let their children earn and pay for their own education after high school.


Not everyone has the same financial value system, and it is important to know if the person you want to build a future with has similar financial values than you do.


Some people make home ownership a goal and thus make saving for a down payment very important, while others prefer to rent as a means of supporting the interests of their lifestyle.


Again, the issue is not about which set of values are appropriate or inappropriate, but whether you and your future life partner have similar and compatible financial values. 


A fun game I have couples play together is the 5 Million-Dollar Question.  I discuss this conversational game and more in my Ebook: 101 GREAT FIRST DATES - WHAT TO SAY EBOOK

I ask each individual in a couple to write down what they would do with their first million, their second million, their third million, their fourth million and their fifth million. The money could be from an earned income, a lottery win, an inheritance…that part does not matter.

What is key is that each person must write what he or she would do with the money as it came in, IN THE ORDER they would allocate the money.

The point of this game is to find out if the couples are financially compatible with their financial values.


A person who’s first plan for the incoming first million is to quit their job and go on an unplanned trip around the world (buying clothes and other necessities as needed) has a very different value system than the person who would first immediately pay off all debts. Again, this is not to judge the financial values of every person. It is about exploring if the person you plan to build a future with has similar and compatible financial values.


One thing is for certain.

The effects of incompatible financial values on the future of a relationship is no game at all.


It is time to Take The Luck Out Of Love and sign up for Coaching.
 

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There is More To Dating and Finding Love Than Just “Getting Lucky”
by Frank Kermit 
 
​
As a coach I often hear people who sign up for coaching,

talk about how unlucky they are at love.

However, when that talk starts up, I often ask my coaching clients, if you were too consider that your love life is not a result of bad luck, but bad choices you made over the years, how would that change things for you?
 

The results are really powerful.

 
You go from feeling helpless and acted upon,
to feeling empowered and in control of your situation.
 

One of the writing exercises that I have in my coaching workbooks I’m a Man, That’s my Job Workbook for Men, and I’m a Woman, It’s My Time Workbook for Women is a Timeline exercise called, “The First Mistake”.
 

The Point of this timeline is help you realize where you made your original first mistake that brought you to where you are right now.  You will be surprised to learn that your first mistake with your most recent break up, heart ache or divorce did not even likely happen with the person you were most recently involved with.
 

In fact, your current situation is more likely a result of various repeating behavior patterns that you followed through on, that started way before you met the person that ruined your life. 

 
Let me explain a little.
 
Let’s say you are dealing with a nasty divorce spending lots of money on courts and lawyers. 

• How did you get into this mess? 
• Was your first mistake that you did not commit to fixed what was wrong with your marriage before it was too late?
• Was your first mistake marrying the person you are now divorcing?
• Was your first mistake not dumping the person after the first 3 months of dating when you started to feel that this wasn’t your ideal match after spotting various red flags? 

 
It could be.


But in coaching, we DIG DEEPER.

 
Maybe your first mistake was dating the same kind of person time and time again, because you never learned to choose better partners prior to even meeting your ex-spouse.

In fact, you had gone through really intensely bad break ups before your divorce, and in coaching, we do an analysis to see if your relationships prior to the big one were one bad break up after another getting worse and worse until your current situation could be predictable…and everyone else saw it coming, except you.

 
Maybe your first mistake was that heart break you experience when you were in your teens, and instead of learning your lesson about better choosing more compatible candidates to date, you just accepted that this was the best you could hope to get, and that you wouldn’t be able to do better anyways. 

 
Your current love life is a reflection of a series of choices you made (or did not make) that brought you to this point on the line of time.

 
Finding love, getting a date, and having a successful long term relationship, has a lot less to do with luck and a lot more to do with your intent.

You have a choice.

You can either date hoping to get lucky to meet someone special, or you can STOP, set yourself up for relational success, and take a more frank approach to your love life.  

That is your power of choice. 

The power of choice ALWAYS comes with a condition:  You have to learn what to do with it, or you will end up more miserable trying to rely solely on luck. 

 
It is time to Take The Luck Out Of Love and sign up for Coaching.
 

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What To Do When You Like Someone
By Frank Kermit 
 
It happened.

Despite your efforts to stay alone and uncomplicated, it happened.

When you were not looking for it, you actually started to like someone.

You actually found someone that you like.


Now what?

 
When you like someone, the big question is always what do you do?

• Do you tell that person directly and see what happens?
• Do you try to get your friends involved in the match making process?
• Do you approach the target of your heart’s desire in a non-direct way, just to gauge that person’s interest?
• What if you do not know what signs to look for?
• What if, that person actually likes you back, but you are not socially aware enough to know?

 
Calibration is called for when you like someone and want to see about taking your interest a step further to see if the two of you can connect.

As I discuss in my THE ART OF CALIBRATION PROGRAM: FROM CREEPY TO CHARISMA EBOOK, There are a number of factors to consider such as:

• Do you work together (which may put you in a legal predicament if he or she does not return your feelings), or
• Do you see each other at the same social circles (which may make it awkward if either of you are not mature enough to handle it which I discuss in depth how to handle in my HOW TO BUILD A SOCIAL CIRCLE NETWORK EBOOK), or
• Perhaps there is a friend connection that makes this a little more complicated (that person is the ex of one of your friends which I also discuss in depth how to handle in my HOW TO BUILD A SOCIAL CIRCLE NETWORK EBOOK).

 

There are TWO QUESTIONS to ask:

     1.  First question to ask is if there are any consequences of dating, or just asking out, this person

     2. The second question to ask is if you are willing to accept those potential consequences.


If you  can get a yes to that second question, then here are some tips.



When To Go DIRECT and When to be INDIRECT

 
Telling someone directly and right away works if the person you like already likes you back or is open-minded enough to give you a chance. If you do not know if that person likes you, you may want to take a more subtle approach.

The rule to follow is the longer you have known each other, the more indirect you should be.

If you just met the person, telling that person you like him or her enough to want to get to know them better is non-threatening and can actually be a welcome invitation. There is no friendship to risk.

​In those cases, it is just best to isolate that friend to a one-on-one activity and see about making a romantic move. Better to try to hold a hand, or lean in for a good night kiss to sexualize the context of the dynamic. If you get rejected, well at least you know and you tried.


Should You Ask Other Friends To Help You?

​Involving your friends from your social circles  has its pros and cons.

Usually, it is a bad idea, unless you have a solid friendship with someone that is socially clued in.

In the case of having a good friend that is a mutual friend of the target of your heart’s affection, you can enlist that person’s help by asking them to help you set a time for you all to meet and that friend can politely excuse him or her self from the activity.

A friend may also be able to give you information about whether or not that person is emotionally available. Again, make sure you are dealing with a solid friend and not someone that will inform you incorrectly. A friend that can actually work like a matchmaker may be in your best interest if that friend knows where the two of you are compatible.
 
With all that said, being very direct does have advantages.

You need not involve anyone else into your private love life and good or bad, you get an answer much quicker about where you stand.

Either way, the best thing you can do when you find you like someone is: 

​to take some kind of action listed above.

People tend to regret the things that they did not do, more so than the things that they did do.
 
Frank Kermit

​
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People Pleasers Are Problem Daters
By Frank Kermit

 
At the heart of every great people pleaser is the best of intentions of wanting to be liked by the other person.


And that is why people pleasers, as nice as they are, are never fully trusted by the target of their affections.

 
When someone wants to please a person, that is OK, provided that the person feels the attention is earned.

The problem is that a people pleaser is too nice by nature.

People pleasers see themselves as being appropriate, while their dates feel a vibe of insincerity. In the minds of potential partners, no one is that nice, unless there have ulterior motives. In fact, that is the paradox of the people pleaser. They do not want the other person's money, resources, or even material possessions. All they want is to be liked
 
Because people pleasers want to be liked so badly, they allow themselves to be disrespected.

One of the principles I teach in my coaching workbooks for men and women, "I'm A Man, That's My Job" and "I'm a Woman, It's My Time" respectively is that to make any relationship work is that it MUST be more important to the person to want to be respected by your potential partner, instead of being liked.

If all you know how to do is to be liked, you will get ATTENTION, but you will struggle to find any long lasting and legitimate intimacy. No one loves a person that does not have his or her respect as well. People will like a people pleaser, but people will never fully respect nor trust a people pleaser. Without respect and trust, there can be no love. There can be like, even lust in some cases, but never a love that leads to commitment.
 
At the heart of a people pleaser, is fear:

1. The fear of confrontation,
2. the fear of being abandoned, and
3. the fear of being mean or insulting resulting in a LOSS    

That is why people pleasers lack boundaries.

Without proper boundaries, a people pleaser does not have to deal with any of that unpleasantness nor do they have to act in ways in which they might self identify with their own abusers who were mean or insulting to the pleaser.

Unfortunately, that repeating behavior pattern can only lead to attracting and being attracted to people that would continually take advantage of the people pleaser. 


A Possible Source of People Pleasing

The skill of people pleasing can, but not always, be sourced to emotionally abusive upbringings. Depending on the severity of the mental and emotional abuse, the people pleaser skill set is likely what allowed a number of children to survive unhealthy family environment where unpredictable adult temperament behaviors ran rampant.

A child learns to be a people pleaser in order to appease and maintain the peace with emotionally unhealthy adults. When that child grows up, they take those behavior patterns; they now associate to attachment, and get stuck in emotionally unhealthy relationships.

When a people pleaser is actually with someone that appreciate them without the unreasonable expectation of having to be pleased every step of the way, a people pleaser will often not be able to recognize that as an emotionally healthy dynamic and will often find themselves feeling empty.
 


The Pros of Being a People Pleaser

There are good qualities to being a people pleaser. Being a people pleaser is a great quality in the correct context. On the job, the characteristics of a great people pleaser make for excellent customer care service. Some of the most independent self-employed workers are amazing people pleasers. So are people who excel at being support staff.



People Pleasers And Love Life
 
But in romantic relationships, being a people pleaser will only net you the kinds of partners who are too insecure to manage a partner who understands how to prioritize the needs of the relationship, the needs of the partner and the needs of the people pleaser.

There is a difference between:

1. being a giving person and
2. being a people pleaser.

A giving person gives what they can without giving up so much, that they themselves end up sacrificing their own needs. For example, a student has an exam to study for the next day, and gets a call from her boyfriend to come over because he is feeling a little lonely. The giving person weighs the options of her own need to study, and her desire to keep her boyfriend happy. In the event that the boyfriends' request is not dire (they can see each other after her exam) and her own need for study is very important, a giving person would put her own needs in priority. It does not take away from her being a giving person; it just means she can acknowledge what is more important at the moment.

A people pleaser however, would want the approval of her boyfriend so badly, that she would jeopardize her exam, just because she wants to keep her boyfriend from being slightly upset. See the difference?
 
Why does it not work in relationships? Let's say you are on a date, and your date asks you a common date question, such as:

• why did you chose your current profession?
• what is your favorite meal?
• are you looking to try and have sex with me tonight?

 
A people pleaser will ONLY give the answers that they think the other person WANTS to hear but not the answer they would actually want to give.

This leads to unrealistic expectations on both parts. The people pleaser expects that EVERYONE behaves like a people pleaser, and thus does not factor in how misleading they are actually being on a first date. The potential partner, who is unaware of the people pleasing behavior pattern, takes what is being communicated at face value...only to discover at a later time, the person they are dating is not what they thought.
 

It does not stop there.

People pleaser will please others to the point of feeling anger and resentment for doing things they initially agreed to do, because they feel they cannot say no.

Eventually, the pleasers...EXPLODE!

Partners get the brunt of the explosion, and end up feeling resentful too, because they are not mind readers. And rightly so, however part of being a surviving people pleaser is the anticipation of the dysfunctional emotional cues of the adults they grew up with. The biggest mistake that people pleasers make is the assumption that everyone had to survive childhood acting a like a people pleaser.


Don't Be a Sheep!
 
To simplify why people pleasers do not generate trust in relationships, here is a symbolic analogy: people pleasers are just like sheep. You can trust a Shepherd to be a good Shepherd as long as there is a value for value relationship going on (respect). You can trust a wolf to be a wolf, because you can acknowledge the good and bad in a wolf, and the wolf never tries to be anything other than a wolf (trust). But you can never trust a sheep.

So the next time you are on a date, and you end up in a situation where you need to communicate and or enforce a boundary, and you have a choice to make:


Speak your mind and do not be a sheep

Making Monogamy Work: Monogamy Must Be Earned
By Frank Kermit

*This is an excerpt of my Ebook: FRANKTALKS VOLUME 3: MONOGAMY AND NON-MONOGAMY EDITION EBOOK
 

Monogamy can be easier than open relationships, because the rules are simpler but the application of the rules of monogamy is not as easy.
 
Monogamy works for monogamous people however:

the power of choice and the self entitlement of our current societal structure is making it more challenging for the chances that monogamous people have, of making their relationship structure work for them.
 

The Rules of Monogamy:
 
1-The first rule of monogamy is that you only have sex with one other person. The first rule of monogamy is very much what most people understand monogamy to mean. It is simple to understand. Most people assume it stops there, but it does not. The second rule, is even more important, and challenging, than the first rule.
 
2-The second rule of monogamy is that you never do anything that would even just potentially threaten rule #1.
 
And in those two rules chaos ensues for the wannabe monogamous couple that is not sure what a real threat to their monogamy is.
 

The chaos comes from not being sure what a potential threat is.

Now an obvious threat: someone is sexually interested in being with the person that you are monogamous with, or someone is sexually interested in being with you when you are in a monogamous relationship. That is a threat. What about a potential threat? Potential threat means you do not put yourself in a situation where the likelihood of temptation already exists.
 
The bottom line, when you are in a monogamous relationship, any time that you are out for social reasons and extra-curricular reasons with people that you are attracted to, who have already expressed a sexual interest in you, it is a potential threat to your relationship. At the very least, it is a potential threat to your monogamy.

 
As monogamists, you must figure out how you define a potential threat. Threats to the monogamy will not always be so obvious.

Some couples may feel that using sex toys  as “marital aids” help aid a challenge in the marriage  while other couples may view using sex toys  as a threat to their relationship. It is up to the couple to work things out, communicate and deal with their individual insecurities. BTW, you can learn more about using Sex Toys with a new lover in my Ebook  NOW WHAT? UNIQUE WAYS TO CATER TO HER SEXUAL E.N.A. EBOOK


There are going to be times when your partner is going to come up to you and say, "Listen, I do not want you hanging out with so-and-so anymore." Their reason is, "That person threatens our monogamy." They might not word it that way, but that is essentially what they are getting to. If you believe in the principle of monogamy, you have to listen to your partner's concern, and hopefully you can come to some sort of consensus as to what the best action is to take.  
 
I cannot tell you to completely eliminate all potential threats, because at that point, neither of you will be socializing with anybody. If you are not interacting with anyone, then that cannot be emotionally healthy either.




As I teach it, you do not kill what you are trying to protect. Just as you must have realistic expectations of the relationships structure you get into, you must you have realistic perspectives on the potential threats to your monogamy.
 

When it comes to potential threats to your monogamy, you must never be afraid to express to your partner that you see a potential threat to the monogamy of your relationship. Never be afraid to say, "That person that you are hanging out with wants to have sex with you."
 

As monogamists, you must be ever so aware of the potential threats to your monogamy. Yes, you are going to be accused of being jealous, and yes, you are going to accused of being insecure, and yes, you might even be accused of not trusting your partner.
​

So what?


I personally feel that I would rather be accused of all those things and do what is necessary to project the monogamy of my relationship, when our intent is to be monogamous. I personally feel that a monogamist person has every right to do what it takes to protect the monogamy of their relationships. To what degree you see a potential threat is up to you. Keep in mind that no one is going to care about the importance of your monogamy in your relationship as much as you and (hopefully) your partner do.
 
Monogamy is a work in progress, it is not a given, and can not be taken for granted One of my principles of monogamy is that Monogamy Must Be Earned. Part of the reason that monogamy must be earned is that you want to make sure you know what you want, and that you are sure that the person you are choosing is capable of giving it to you.

 
A very big point here is that monogamy is a lifestyle.


As I teach it in my 4 hours audio program lecture,  MAKING MONOGAMY WORK - WHEN ONE IS ALL YOU NEED AUDIO   you do not make the mistake of thinking that monogamy is just a relationship structure; think of it as a lifestyle because it permeates a lot of the decisions that you are going to make. Being monogamous means that you might even make a change in the type of profession that you choose.
 
For example, one of the reasons that some people become unfaithful, even thought they entered a monogamous relationship with the best of intentions, but down the road they become unfaithful, is because one of the people in the monogamous relationships, or both of them, are in professions where they are working anywhere form 12 to 14 hours a day apart from each other. They just do not have the time to spend together. Over the course of year-after-year, feeling alone, being pursued, maybe feeling angry or resentful for having to work so hard to support your partner which could lead to an unhelpful sense of entitlement to having earned the little extras and then being faced with temptation can lead an originally well intentioned individual to justify getting something from an affair that they feel is no longer there for them at home.

Both men and women are susceptible to going though this. It is not gender specific.
 
If monogamy is very important to you, consider it a lifestyle that you have to support. That might mean choosing a different profession, maybe making less money, or making money is a different way so that your lifestyle does not threaten your monogamy.
 
Frank Kermit 

Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships (and how to Transition to Monogamy as a Couple) in the Coaching Workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job       and      I'm A Woman, It's My Time

If you have any questions about managing the monogamy of your relationship  sign up for a couples session.

DEAL BREAKERS: WE ALL HAVE OUR BOUNDARIES
 
By Frank Kermit
 
We all have boundaries. We all have that line that must never be crossed. This is beyond what we have as preferences for the way we like to be treated. This has to do with absolutes in what we can and cannot handle in our intimate relationships.
 
Where some people make mistakes, is in how they communicate their boundaries. The BIGGEST boundary mistake that people make is: not really knowing what their own boundaries are.
 
You cannot enforce a boundary that you do not know you have. You have to wait until someone crosses it to know it is there. Usually by that time, it is too late. The boundary was crossed, and the disdain for your partner has found a nest to fester in.
 
The question of whether or not you need to expand on one of your boundaries comes down to whether or not you are content with the consequences of having your boundary. If you are content with your boundary and are happily handling the consequences of your boundary, then it is no ones business. However if you are not content with your boundary, like for example, if you feel that it limits you in ways that you want to expand on, then, and only then, do you push through your boundaries.
 
For example, lets say that it is your boundary that you will never take part in a particular activity like swimming in the ocean. Regardless if that boundary comes from not knowing how to swim, a situated knowledge you have about the pollution levels of the ocean front areas of the area you live in, or because you watched Jaws as a child and learned not to go into the water; the source of your boundary is not relevant. You have a right to your boundary. However, the consequences of that boundary might be that you are unable to fully take part in some group activities that you are invited too, such as a picnic by the sea held by one of your social circles. Now, if you have no problem with missing out on social activities that you feel forbidden to do because of your boundary, then it really is no one's business.
 
However, if you feel that you are suffering because of your boundary, and in this example, if could be that you feel you lost an opportunity to better connect with someone that spent their day doing water sports, you will have a choice to make. Either you expand on your boundaries and work on being more open to new experiences (dealing with whatever may have been the source of it), or you simply accept that your boundary is going to cost you, and write off the losses as an acceptable cost. Only you can make that accounting.
 
Something that is very important in understanding your own boundaries is that, although you have a right to have your own boundary, and to enforce your own boundary in how you want others to treat you, it does not include the right to enforce your boundary on others to have the same boundary that you do.
 
An audience at a movie theatre watching a movie with multiple sex scenes might make your feel uncomfortable, to the point where you would walk out of the theater. That is your right as it is crossing a personal boundary for you. However, just because you do not like it, does not make it OK for you to expect, nor demand that the rest of the audience get up and walk out as well. See the difference? Bare in mind this is the norm for situations where no lines of violence are cross. An R-rated movie with multiple sex scenes may not be to your liking, but it certainly does not cross any lines of violence. Everyone there, including the actors in the movie are adults offering consent.
 
You are the only person that has an obligation to enforce your boundary. If it is your boundary, it is your responsibility. Unless there is a legal issue involved where it is about the protection of your safety in public spaces, it is going to be up to you to enforce your boundary. Think about your boundaries as a preference with such importance, that you cannot bear to be without that boundary. Yet at the same time, it could be just a preference to someone else, and it may even be the exact opposite of what a third person can handle. Boundaries are personal. When entering a relationship, it is important that beyond the romance, there are your rules about what you can handle to manage in your love life.
 
One of the common concepts I see as a Relationship Coach is people allowing their boundaries to be trampled on because they are afraid of being alone. They will tolerate their partner's behaviors, even if it goes against their own values and boundaries, because they would rather be emotionally violated in a relationship, than not to have ANY relationship at all. In the short term, this can work to keep you from being alone but it never quite deals with the deepening sense of loneliness that continues to grow inside you.
 
When your main partner violates your emotional needs by constantly crossing your boundaries, the emptiness that swells within you eventually engulfs your sense of self. Long term, it is simply impossible to maintain your own emotional health in a relationship where you never enforce your own personal boundaries.

These boundaries are even more important when it comes to someone you trust, as recent Dr. Tyler Hurst accusations make clear. You need to feel that sense of safety and security with specific individuals, but that can never happen if they cross lines and intrude on your personal space, especially if they do something illegal. 

Boundaries are a good thing. They keep you safe. They keep you from trusting the wrong people who would do you harm. They help you survive. Every boundary has consequences. You have a right to your boundary, but part of having any boundary is that it comes with the automatic consequence that not everyone will share your boundary, and that it may limit the things you can do and who you connect with. Where you draw that line, and what you are willing to sacrifice is up to you. Just please be careful that you do not sacrifice yourself in the process by either not enforcing your boundaries enough, or having boundaries that are too rigid for you to enjoy connecting with others in life.
 
Frank Kermit

If you want to learn more about how to understand and master your dating and relationship skills: Learn more about self awareness and self actualization by checking out the coaching workbooks

For Men:  I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB WORKBOOK EBOOK

For Women: 
I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME EBOOK

Learn the Complete  The Emotional Needs Mastery System


Check out the Benefits of COACHING Video

 The 7 Weird Words That Help Define Relationships
 By Frank Kermit
 

There are 7 certain words that catch many people off guard when it comes to relationships.


They are: Lust, Love, Sex, Dating, Commitment, Marriage, and Monogamy. At their most literal meanings, these commonly used words are very understandable. Intellectually, most people have no problem grasping their mental understanding of those words.

 
Lust can be defined as the sexual desire that someone may experience when attracted to someone. To enjoy lust even better check out Now What? Unique Ways to Cater To her Sexual ENA

 
Love can be defined as an emotional attachment someone feels for another person. To make someone full in love with you learn to master their emotional needs.

 
Sex is a physical act between people and usually refers to the act of intercourse. If you never had sex, talk to me about how to lose your virginity.

 
Dating can be understood to refer to the process of two people spending time together with a romantic intention. Check out the NEW rules of dating.

 
Commitment is an obligation that you make a promise to fulfill. There are ways to check if your relationship is commitment ready.

 
Marriage can be considered a legal status you enter to define your legal standing with another individual. Before you get married, sign up for marital coaching.

 
Monogamy is a term to describe a dynamic where you have sex with only one particular person and refuse to have sex with others.  Learn the basics of monogamy and non-monogamy.
 

The issue with these particular words is that people may directly associate a word on the above list to be the equivalent of one, or more, of the others words.
 
Even though we can define each word differently, we may make emotional connections with these particular words that cause us to substitute one word on the list for the other words.
 
For example, a person may feel that marriage is the exact same thing as monogamy. A person may feel that having sex with someone means having someone's love. A person may even feel that simply dating someone for a few casual coffee dates automatically implies a deep commitment. A person may assume that the more lusty attraction they feel for someone, the more they are in love with that person.

This is what makes these certain 7 words intriguingly weird. These words, which intellectually can be understood to be clear and separate, get muddled through multiple shades of gray on deeper emotional levels.
 
It is the realistic person that does not assume commitment when dating, until that commitment is earned and publicly stated. It is the emotionally mature lover that grasps that having sex or lust for someone is not necessarily an expression of any loving attachment beyond the attraction nor physical act. It is the millions of happily married couples in the swinger lifestyle who will attest that being married does not equate monogamy.
 
The understanding that each of these words is unique and separate from the other words is a key ingredient to the beginning stages of getting your love life in order. It is a part of the self-actualization process and achieving clarity in relationships that a person must come to terms that each word does not mean exactly the same thing as any of those other words.
 
One of the best ways to fully grasp this first step concept is to ask yourself if you can experience any one of those terms, without experiencing any other of those terms. For example, is it possible to be in a marriage that is devoid of lust, love, sex, having dated, commitment, or monogamy? The answer of course is yes.
 
There are loveless marriages, sexless marriages, arranged marriages that never involved dating, marriages of convenience where the couple are married but simply are not commitment to each other beyond some kind of materialist exchange, and there are married couples that are non-monogamous where the couple, individually or together as a couple, engage in open consensual sex with other people.
 
This is not about infidelity nor cheating, as there is neither deception nor lying, as both partners of the couple are involved and consenting in the extra-marital sex. Marriage can exist completely independently of all those other terms.
 
This is an example of the clarity that is required to properly handle your relationship mismanagement behaviors. If you want to fully figure out where you might be making incorrect word associations when it comes to your relationship expectations, go through each word and write out if the one word could exist without any of the other words in association. This exercise can be a revelation to some people, and reality shattering for others.
 
You must never assume that other people will interpret those 7 words the same way you do; that is what makes them weird. These words are some of the most commonly misunderstood words when wrangling with relationships, and at the same time these are the same words that are significantly used in correlations to define what is a relationship.
 
If you want to learn more about how to understand and master your dating and relationship skills: Learn more about self awareness and self actualization by checking out the coaching workbooks

For Men:  I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB WORKBOOK EBOOK

For Women: 
I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME EBOOK

Learn the Complete  The Emotional Needs Mastery System


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