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Swiping Right On Tinder: Online Dating
Swiping Right
by Carrie Joyner
I always figured the next love of my life would happen organically.
After 2 years of taking a break from the soul sucking world of online dating, I decided to jump back in because the old fashioned way of meeting men just wasn’t happening.
Not the right ones, anyhow.
The romantic notion of meeting Mr. Right in the frozen food aisle at the grocery store went out the window a long time ago since Steve Jobs put iphones in 90% of the populations hands.
Human interaction is scarce these days.
Eye contact is nothing short of a miracle.
People would rather Snap Chat themselves with cartoon eyes and dog noses.
-I don’t get it.
-I don’t want to get it.
I didn’t go hungry the past two years, don’t get me wrong.
I just needed to kick start the process and increase the odds of landing a dream partner before I start thinking about getting a few cats and spending every night binge watching Million Dollar Listing and fantasizing about a career in high profit real estate.
Putting yourself out there lends to some pretty deep self-analysis by being part of that online, fast food style relationship world.
Don’t get me wrong, there are good men out there…but you have to cut through a lot of weeds to find a good one.
With my iphone machete in hand, I began hacking away.
Vessel of choice: Tinder
Sign Up For Frank Coaching Jumping Back Into Dating
I am tired of paying for the chance to meet someone who could ultimately end up wasting years of my life.
I spent the better part of 2 years in 3 useless relationships because of that.
Recently divorced and feeling the clock ticking in the last few years of my 30’s, I dropped the bar…forget raising it…and settled with three different men for the sake of being in a relationship.
Mild levels of attraction led to a lot of time being complacent, at times anxiety-inducing and ultimately unfulfilling relationships.
One was crazy, one was a jerk and one was just too nice.
Stop Acting Crazy, And Learn To Be Charming And Charismatic
Is She Dating A Jerk?
Seduction Guide For Nice Guys
I just signed up two weeks ago, so about 50 matches later, 4 disappointing actual dates, I am taking a deep breath and getting ready for week three.
The latest date was probably the strangest.
A hot pilot who had been texting with me for about 24 hours before I found a hole in my schedule and asked him if he was free.
He was, we set up a time and place to meet for a drink.
He arrived 30 minutes late because he was stuck in traffic and took about ten minutes to establish consistent eye contact with me.
This is where all that self analysis kicks in.
The reality is that I am sitting in front of a total stranger.
Discover The New Rules Of Dating
I don’t know if he has issues.
I don’t know his back story
or what really happened in his last relationships,
or how hurt he had been in the past.
The questions float around my head incessantly.
-Is he not focusing because he is nervous?
-Am I too good looking for him?
-Am I not good looking enough?
I finally hooked him in a topic that he was semi-passionate about and I had my eye contact at last.
He didn’t want to leave,
but I have to cut these things short unless there are fireworks.
Plus, my dog needed a walk.
He texted me after to make sure I got home safely, which was thoughtful.
He asked if he could see me again
and I said yes,
because maybe that first encounter
was just scratching the surface.
I haven’t heard back from him all weekend
and I am not going to reach out first
…I am old school like that.
Online dating is not how I imagined meeting my next boyfriend and hopefully husband, but it is the easiest way to start connecting to total strangers, some with good intentions, others not so much.
It takes time, energy, thick skin and courage of steel
to not cancel dates
that seem like a good idea while couch surfing with chardonnay.
Total exposure.
But I guess you can’t win the lottery without buying a ticket,
so let the games begin!
-Carrie Joyner
Carrie Joyner, Writer
About The Author
Carrie Joyner is
a regular contributor to the
FrankTalks.com/Blog
To Read Her Last Post:
http://www.franktalks.com/blog/the-power-of-the-yoga-community-and-the-drive-by-divorce
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Dear Franktalks blog readers.
This post was removed from the site at the end of May 2025.
The original author Karen Cross has requested that this article be removed from the Internet due to the amount of trolling she has been subjected too for the contents of this article.
Karen wrote the original article around 2013. In 2017 I reached out to Karen and asked for permission to repost the article. Karen granted me permission and that disclaimer was posted at the bottom of the article.
Franktalks wishes Karen peace and healing during this time,
and hopes that the trolling and online abuse will stop.
This post was removed from the site at the end of May 2025.
The original author Karen Cross has requested that this article be removed from the Internet due to the amount of trolling she has been subjected too for the contents of this article.
Karen wrote the original article around 2013. In 2017 I reached out to Karen and asked for permission to repost the article. Karen granted me permission and that disclaimer was posted at the bottom of the article.
Franktalks wishes Karen peace and healing during this time,
and hopes that the trolling and online abuse will stop.
Sign Up For Frank Coaching
Coaching Workbook For Her To Make The Most Of Her Time
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Are You Willing To Pay The Price?
Are You Willing To Pay The Price?
by Frank Kermit
I have been coaching for nearly two decades at the time of writing this article. There are times when I feel very proud and inspired by certain coaching clients of mine.
And other times, I see really good people, with really good hearts, just not acting as if they are willing to do the work necessary to have the love lives they so desperately claim to want.
It takes hard work and sacrifice to makes changes in a person’s life.
The more ingrained and practiced your repeating behavior patterns, the more challenging it will be to change those same behavior patterns and replace them with new behavior patterns. Learning the theory of addressing the emotional needs of others (and standing up for yourself) is just a first step in the process.
Putting it into practice, especially when you are not used to it, can be a little more intense than what most people are comfortable with doing.
Perhaps it is a person that you need to stay away from, but you are just so drawn to the person, that despite every time you break up, somehow you end up becoming lovers again. No matter how much you know better, you crave that person, almost as if you were addicted to that person (and maybe on some level you are). You know your love life cannot evolve to someone new until you separate yourself from your current toxic environment, but it feels like you cannot help yourself.
How To Move On From A Partner That is Not Good For You
How To Get Back An Ex
Perhaps you need to show more interest when pursuing a new person, or when a new person pursues you. But instead of being more assertive in your pursuit to set a date, or being more inviting when someone has the courage to make the first move in approaching you, you act disinterested to the point of pushing the other person away. You did not mean to push the other person away; you just wanted to protect yourself from appearing too needy or desperate. So you treated them like a casual distraction to the point they were no longer motivated to be in your company.
Perhaps it is a matter of standing up for yourself and telling others exactly what you are thinking. Maybe someone you liked did something that really did not sit well with you, and you tried to let them know using non-verbal communication, but the person simply did not pick up on your non-verbal cues and did that same thing yet again. You could be battling your own fear of conflict (which in your mind could lead to confrontation, loss or even abandonment). You could be trying to avoid potentially hurting the other person’s feelings. Does not matter why you refuse to speak up.
How To Act on First Dates
The result is the same.
Your refusal to speak up ensures that you will continue feeling bad due to the actions of others, as well as, it ensures you will continue to build up feelings of resentment against the other person.
Resentment can kill even the most devoted feelings of affection between two people.
There is a price to pay for having a great love life.
Your refusal to speak up ensures that you will continue feeling bad due to the actions of others, as well as, it ensures you will continue to build up feelings of resentment against the other person.
Resentment can kill even the most devoted feelings of affection between two people.
There is a price to pay for having a great love life.
It means stepping outside of your comfort zone
and committing new behaviors to change very specific situations in your life.
- It means staying away from the wrong people.
- It means to take the risk of being vulnerable and showing interest in dating.
- It means standing up for yourself and expressing yourself when it is important enough for you.
- It means you have to do all of these things BEFORE YOU FEEL LIKE IT.
There is no waiting until you feel you are ready. Chances are you will never be fully ready.
That is the price:
To commit to new actions
even you do not feel like it.
It is a high price of discomfort to be sure.
Just keep in mind the potential benefits you will acquire in the long run, in exchange for some short-term pains:
A love life that brings smiles instead of tears
Frank Kermit
Sign Up for Coaching to Pay the Price
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Coping With Loss: The First Year of Firsts
The Year Of Firsts After Loss
by Frank Kermit
The first 12 months after a tremendous loss is the hardest.
It is the first time you will experience yearly events without the person or element you lost.
Your first birthday without the person.
Your first holiday season without your previous career.
Your first significant day of importance, without your precious pet.
Each time you experience a date of significance, without your loss, it is a hard reminder of the events that lead to the loss to beginning.
It is important to remember that as each year passes,
it WILL get easier.
When they say time helps the healing process,
that does mean that time will make the hurt go away.
What it does mean is that with time
comes experience of being able to go through
each year after your year of firsts.
And with each passing year
you get more experience
at getting used to your life without your loss.
So hang in there.
Expect that the first year is going to be the hardest.
And, over the years, you will have new people, new jobs,
and new pets to cherish and celebrate with you.
-Frank Kermit
Sign Up For Frank Coaching To Cope With Your Loss
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Such a Thing as Happily Single?
Is there such a thing as Happily Single?
By Frank Kermit
Is being single really that bad?
After all, when a person considers the amount of pain that a relationship or casual dating can cause, it may seem that just skipping the whole dating-thing altogether might make for a more peaceful life.
Could it be that intimate relations are simply not for everyone,
and maybe you happen to be one of those people?
How do you know if being alone is the right choice for you
and is it even possible to be content, o
r even fulfilled in a life without romantic love?
As always, that answer is completely up to you.
Learn To Manage Different Kinds of Relationships
The people who struggle with this question the most
are those people that
never actually had an overly positive,
intimate relationship with someone before.
If that is coupled with an environment
that was emotionally sterile
while that person was growing up,
it makes trying to find the motivation
for seeking out a relationship almost obsolete.
Without having experienced
what a health loving relationship can be,
or not having experienced the positive attributes
of being with someone that cares for you,
it is challenging for someone
to see the value is pursuing a goal
they have no concept of.
Make TIME For YOU
Then the consideration comes in that some people are simply too damaged to be in a relationship.
There are cases where someone may be struggling with a personal demon like an addiction, or still coping with a history of abuse.
Those demons may limit their capacity for intimate relationships of any kind.
In these cases, people tend to be encouraged to work on themselves before entering into romantic relationships so that the challenges inherent with romantic relationships do not distract the people from the healing process, nor allow the romantic relationships to exasperate a persons energy causing them not to have the personal resources to slay the demon.
This is most commonly understood when someone enters a drug and alcohol treatment center where patients are forbidden to have relations with each other and contact with loved ones must be limited.
I have often found that barring any major issues, that a few people are simply not ready to make the commitment to the amount of work that is necessary to change an area of their life they are not happy with.
Make It Happen
Dismissed as laziness by some,
the lack of willingness
to put in the work required
to change behavior patterns
is nothing to scoff at.
Changing anything in your life forces you out of your comfort zone.
It takes work.
The motivation to make such changes may very well require that someone hit an absolute rock bottom before having enough gumption to finally make that change. The same principle applies to changing the status of a persons love life.
It is unfortunate that people require that kind of rock bottom to reach a point where the pain of staying where they are is finally greater than the pain of making a change.
When I am asked if it is better to be in a relationship that is bad, or being alone, I often quote one of my inspirations.
To paraphrase:
"Are you better off with that person,
or better off without that person?"
There is no set answer.
It completely depends on the context of your situation.
There are a number of other factors to consider
in the answer to this question.
- Are you very miserable,
- or just so-so bored with your partner?
- Is your partner a good parent to your kids,
- or are your kids in danger around your partner?
- Are you fighting day in and day out with your partner,
- or have you settled into a quiet existence that you find bland?
- Is your partner someone you can rely on,
- or is your partner a dead beat?
- If you were alone, would you be able to manage
- Are you just a negative person
- will continue to find fault with your life even if your leave?
Ending a relationship is NOT always the answer when things are rough in life, because life is also going to be rough on you when you are single.
There are always consequences to either lifestyle to choose, the question remains which consequences are you more adept to handle accepting?
There are always consequences to either lifestyle to choose, the question remains which consequences are you more adept to handle accepting?
Some people are just comfortable being alone, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you are happier being alone, then take pride in that. If you complain about being alone, then do something about it.
If you complain about being in a relationship,
again do something about it.
Communicate with your partner and find out what is possible to change the areas you are not happy with, to see if you can work to build the relationship together that you will find fulfillment in.
If you are trying to figure out if you want to give up on love or not, one of the ways to decide this for yourself is to sit down and work through the differences between your feelings towards single life and your desires for the kind of lifestyle you want for yourself. Start with your ideal lifestyle and work your way backwards to your current present date.
Once you have that ideal (and REALISTIC) lifestyle mapped out, see if you are the type of person that can actually attain it, and if you would be able to attract the kind of partner that you yourself would need to be.
Frank Kermit
P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree?
Have something to Add?
Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.
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I'll Tell You Where All The Good Men Have Gone by Arun Eden-Lewis
I'll Tell You Where All The Good Men Have Gone
by Arun Eden-Lewis
Search the words, “Where have all the good men gone?” and dozens of anecdotes, articles, blogs, and books will appear on your screen.
Overwhelmingly, this question is posed by women, discussed by women, and answered by women.
This, ironically, is an essential reason for these so called man-deserts—men are simply not being asked to contribute their opinions and perspectives. And the good men themselves are increasingly less likely to offer their point of view, for many reasons.
I do not seek to apportion blame here, on either side, but simply to address this question from the seldom-heard voice that is the object of the question itself: good men.
The last 100 years of suffragettes, feminists, and political correctness have challenged and continue to challenge thousands of years of patriarchy—and rightly so. Consequently, the roles of both men and women have been transformed and redefined.
While we struggle to adjust to the new and still evolving status quo, the war of the sexes has taken millions of casualties. In Western culture, divorce rates for first marriages range from 42 percent in the U.K. to 53 percent in the U.S. to a staggering 71 percent in Belgium. Subsequent marriages fare even worse.
The spectre of divorce is another contributing factor in the conspicuously expanding man-deserts. Many men, having seen their fathers broken by divorce, fear the loss of their assets, their homes, and their children and are simply stacking their chips, choosing not to gamble, and checking out of the marriage casino.
Family courts invariably award primary custody to the mother, while the father is restricted to weekend access, supervised visits, or left to literally climb the walls of Buckingham Palace in a superhero costume to protest rights for dads. Men—will they ever grow up?
The ridicule and debasement of men in the media and mainstream culture is now pervasive. Watch a commercial, sitcom, or movie, and invariably an immature man-child or dumb dad is the butt of the joke—the hapless buffoon. Fortunately, these silly men are always saved from themselves by a smart, witty woman or a conscripted, eye-rolling child.
The emasculation of men has become normalized.
The emasculation of men has become normalized.
https://tinyurl.com/lkpcewj
Sensibly, rather than have their balls cut off (sometimes literally, and that often gets a good laugh), men are running for cover in their droves, leaving women mystified and asking, “Where have all the good men gone?”
When I was in secondary school, perhaps 14 years old, there was a girl who patrolled the playground, egged on by her gang of girlfriends, kicking the boys between the legs. Clearly, she had been informed by someone this was the quickest, easiest, and funniest way to bring those stupid boys down to earth.
One day it was my turn. Caught by surprise, I crumpled to the ground after a swift kick to the balls, in too much agony even to cry out. Oh, how the girls laughed! Even then, I abhorred a bully.
The following day, I found my attacker in the playground and, contrary to my upbringing, without warning I kicked her swiftly between the legs. To everyone’s surprise she also crumpled to the ground, in too much agony to cry out. A crowd of cheering boys slapped me on the back—their new avenger.
The girls stared at me wide-eyed in shock—a boy who fought back? No one had told them that was allowed, surely it was against the rules! Equality: it’s a son of a gun.
I remember feeling no satisfaction or honour in defeating a weaker adversary but sometimes, especially in the case of a bully, personal satisfaction and honour is not the point—standing up to their aggression is. As I grew into a man—a good man—I learned to walk away from provocation, as most good men do.
When I was in secondary school, perhaps 14 years old, there was a girl who patrolled the playground, egged on by her gang of girlfriends, kicking the boys between the legs. Clearly, she had been informed by someone this was the quickest, easiest, and funniest way to bring those stupid boys down to earth.
One day it was my turn. Caught by surprise, I crumpled to the ground after a swift kick to the balls, in too much agony even to cry out. Oh, how the girls laughed! Even then, I abhorred a bully.
The following day, I found my attacker in the playground and, contrary to my upbringing, without warning I kicked her swiftly between the legs. To everyone’s surprise she also crumpled to the ground, in too much agony to cry out. A crowd of cheering boys slapped me on the back—their new avenger.
The girls stared at me wide-eyed in shock—a boy who fought back? No one had told them that was allowed, surely it was against the rules! Equality: it’s a son of a gun.
I remember feeling no satisfaction or honour in defeating a weaker adversary but sometimes, especially in the case of a bully, personal satisfaction and honour is not the point—standing up to their aggression is. As I grew into a man—a good man—I learned to walk away from provocation, as most good men do.
Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them!” Remember the T-shirts launched in 2003? Followed by coffee mugs, posters, even a book.“Boys tell lies, poke them in the eyes!” Another favourite for young girls at the time. It took a fathers’ rights activist to have this merchandise removed from thousands of retail stores. Inevitably, he was ridiculed by a myopic majority.
https://tinyurl.com/mgm5jqh
Presently, in some areas of the U.K., 80 percent of primary schools have three male teachers or less, one quarter of primary schools have no male teachers at all, and some towns have 65 percent single mother families.
Man-deserts indeed.
A young boy can go to school and have no adult male role model, and then return home and have no adult male role models.
Young girls are achieving significantly higher academic standards than young boys. This feminisation of schools spills over into university, then the workplace, and eventually the home, completing the insipid cycle and the marginalization of both boys and men.
I was born in 1968. I grew up with a strong mother, four stronger sisters, and no father. I was taught, not only by my family but also by wider society, to regard women as my equal, and I always have. Yet, unknown to me, a generation of women were being indoctrinated and trained with a sharp-edged tool kit designed to emasculate men.
Men have been subjugating women for centuries; now, they’re getting payback. It seems only fair. The fox has turned on the hounds and she’s packing a punch, or a kick to the balls. But the nature of men when faced with a fight is to fight back, either psychologically or physically.
Clearly there are no winners in this scenario.
The relentless competitive struggle to determine who wears the trousers is simply a turnoff for many men. Many are just opting out of the kind of psychological warfare that is common in relationships today, unwilling to engage in the minefield of mind games, which are usually executed in three ways.
The first is the habitual belittling and denigration of men, in private or in front of friends, family or colleagues, for what is supposed to pass as humour. The second is letting a man know, casually of course, that other men are sexy, have better looks, more money, talent, or fame. The third, and perhaps the most destructive is being told over and over, “We don’t need no man. Men are obsolete.”
I’ve lost count of how often I’ve heard this since adolescence.
If you tell a man often enough that he is surplus to requirements, eventually he will stop expending his energy to convince you and himself otherwise.
Men are rapidly waking up to this phenomenon of man-bashing, so much so that a disillusioned social movement has arisen with its own freshly-minted acronym: MGTOW, Men Going Their Own Way.
Supported by websites and online forums, men are regrouping with a common cause, a sense of brotherhood, and finding their voices again.
The essential precepts of MGTOW are financial independence, rejection of chivalry, social preconceptions of what a man should be, and consumer culture which defines masculinity by a man’s house, car, clothes, watch, or cologne. It is the refusal to be shamed into conventional compliance by being told to “man up.”
Many aggrieved MGTOW refuse to marry or even date Western women, the more ardent among them consciously choosing non-committal relationships, strippers, pornography, or celibacy. Above all, goes the MGTOW mantra, maintain sovereignty of self.
I have been dating for more than 35 years, and back in the 1980s, a man was expected to pay for the movie tickets, dinner, flowers, chocolate, the diamond ring, the house. In each subsequent decade these social conventions have slowly eroded, yet to a greater or lesser extent still remain. Long-held social biases, like the wage gap for example, take time to bring to full equality.
It is important to recognize, however, that equality is a two-way street. It is abundantly clear that many men and women are struggling to walk along that street in close proximity, let alone hand in hand. Why? Because for a century we have been digging up and bulldozing said street. Now, it’s full of potholes, power struggles, and barely fit to travel. Yet travel it we must.
The original message of equality has been somewhat skewed. Women often recycle the poorly thought-out doctrine that they are the same as men. Equality is not always sameness, and sameness is not always equality.
For example, women have equal opportunity to go to war and fight side by side with men, but the physical standards to allow them to do so are not the same. And this can be seen across a whole spectrum of professions, from firefighters to ballet dancers.
Man-deserts indeed.
A young boy can go to school and have no adult male role model, and then return home and have no adult male role models.
Young girls are achieving significantly higher academic standards than young boys. This feminisation of schools spills over into university, then the workplace, and eventually the home, completing the insipid cycle and the marginalization of both boys and men.
I was born in 1968. I grew up with a strong mother, four stronger sisters, and no father. I was taught, not only by my family but also by wider society, to regard women as my equal, and I always have. Yet, unknown to me, a generation of women were being indoctrinated and trained with a sharp-edged tool kit designed to emasculate men.
Men have been subjugating women for centuries; now, they’re getting payback. It seems only fair. The fox has turned on the hounds and she’s packing a punch, or a kick to the balls. But the nature of men when faced with a fight is to fight back, either psychologically or physically.
Clearly there are no winners in this scenario.
The relentless competitive struggle to determine who wears the trousers is simply a turnoff for many men. Many are just opting out of the kind of psychological warfare that is common in relationships today, unwilling to engage in the minefield of mind games, which are usually executed in three ways.
The first is the habitual belittling and denigration of men, in private or in front of friends, family or colleagues, for what is supposed to pass as humour. The second is letting a man know, casually of course, that other men are sexy, have better looks, more money, talent, or fame. The third, and perhaps the most destructive is being told over and over, “We don’t need no man. Men are obsolete.”
I’ve lost count of how often I’ve heard this since adolescence.
If you tell a man often enough that he is surplus to requirements, eventually he will stop expending his energy to convince you and himself otherwise.
Men are rapidly waking up to this phenomenon of man-bashing, so much so that a disillusioned social movement has arisen with its own freshly-minted acronym: MGTOW, Men Going Their Own Way.
Supported by websites and online forums, men are regrouping with a common cause, a sense of brotherhood, and finding their voices again.
The essential precepts of MGTOW are financial independence, rejection of chivalry, social preconceptions of what a man should be, and consumer culture which defines masculinity by a man’s house, car, clothes, watch, or cologne. It is the refusal to be shamed into conventional compliance by being told to “man up.”
Many aggrieved MGTOW refuse to marry or even date Western women, the more ardent among them consciously choosing non-committal relationships, strippers, pornography, or celibacy. Above all, goes the MGTOW mantra, maintain sovereignty of self.
I have been dating for more than 35 years, and back in the 1980s, a man was expected to pay for the movie tickets, dinner, flowers, chocolate, the diamond ring, the house. In each subsequent decade these social conventions have slowly eroded, yet to a greater or lesser extent still remain. Long-held social biases, like the wage gap for example, take time to bring to full equality.
It is important to recognize, however, that equality is a two-way street. It is abundantly clear that many men and women are struggling to walk along that street in close proximity, let alone hand in hand. Why? Because for a century we have been digging up and bulldozing said street. Now, it’s full of potholes, power struggles, and barely fit to travel. Yet travel it we must.
The original message of equality has been somewhat skewed. Women often recycle the poorly thought-out doctrine that they are the same as men. Equality is not always sameness, and sameness is not always equality.
For example, women have equal opportunity to go to war and fight side by side with men, but the physical standards to allow them to do so are not the same. And this can be seen across a whole spectrum of professions, from firefighters to ballet dancers.
Equality is not always sameness. Difference is diversity, and should be a cause for celebration, not dogmatic elimination.
Men are often told (but, again, not asked) they are afraid of strong independent women. Many men, tired of such futile debates and wary of being branded a misogynist if they dare to disagree, are simply shutting down and becoming emotionally unavailable to women, taking permanent residence in their man-caves.
The truth is, men love strong and independent women—it turns them on, in every way. What men don’t love are the predominantly masculine traits that often go along with the package. The relentless competitiveness (necessary in the workplace no doubt, but hardly necessary at home in a loving relationship), the verbal aggression, the emotional manipulation, and the psychological controlling are huge turn-offs.
Increasingly, men are just not interested in competing at work and then having to come home and compete with their partners. In the sphere of heterosexual relationships, most women are not attracted to emasculated feminine men, which is fair enough. By the same token, most men are not attracted to masculine, domineering women.
So, these are some of the general and specific issues creating man-deserts, from the perspective of good men.
But what solutions are there? Waking up to our social conditioning is a good place to start.
Many women are beginning to reject the modern brand of feminism, the so called third-wave that is tantamount to thinly veiled misandry. Equally many men, for two or three generations now, are rejecting the attitude that a woman is some kind of second class citizen.
We clearly have work to do on both sides.
Letting go of these destructive modes of thought, communication, and behaviour is an essential process for healthier and happier relationships between men and women.
However, denying these issues will in no way change the interpersonal landscape for the better, and women will continue to ask, “Where have all the good men gone?” while wandering an ever-expanding and barren man-desert.
So, where have all the good men gone?
For now they have gone their own way. But they are out there, in the same desert, contentedly swimming in the oases they have found for themselves, no doubt waiting for the fourth-wave of feminism to wash over them so we can all truly embrace equality, just like the first-wave promised.
The truth is, men love strong and independent women—it turns them on, in every way. What men don’t love are the predominantly masculine traits that often go along with the package. The relentless competitiveness (necessary in the workplace no doubt, but hardly necessary at home in a loving relationship), the verbal aggression, the emotional manipulation, and the psychological controlling are huge turn-offs.
Increasingly, men are just not interested in competing at work and then having to come home and compete with their partners. In the sphere of heterosexual relationships, most women are not attracted to emasculated feminine men, which is fair enough. By the same token, most men are not attracted to masculine, domineering women.
So, these are some of the general and specific issues creating man-deserts, from the perspective of good men.
But what solutions are there? Waking up to our social conditioning is a good place to start.
Many women are beginning to reject the modern brand of feminism, the so called third-wave that is tantamount to thinly veiled misandry. Equally many men, for two or three generations now, are rejecting the attitude that a woman is some kind of second class citizen.
We clearly have work to do on both sides.
Letting go of these destructive modes of thought, communication, and behaviour is an essential process for healthier and happier relationships between men and women.
However, denying these issues will in no way change the interpersonal landscape for the better, and women will continue to ask, “Where have all the good men gone?” while wandering an ever-expanding and barren man-desert.
So, where have all the good men gone?
For now they have gone their own way. But they are out there, in the same desert, contentedly swimming in the oases they have found for themselves, no doubt waiting for the fourth-wave of feminism to wash over them so we can all truly embrace equality, just like the first-wave promised.
Arun Eden-Lewis
Author
Arun Eden-Lewis completed his first yoga teacher training in 2001 in the Sivananda style before going on to complete two more advanced teacher training courses with Godfrey Devereux in DynamicYoga. Arun has journeyed to India, Sri Lanka and Bali seeking the most valuable yoga knowledge from the most inspiring teachers in the world. He has practiced extensively in Ashtnga Vinysa and Iyengar Yoga. Drawing on all these strands, and many years of self-practice and teaching, Arun has developed the unique PrajYoga method, of which the ever inspiring 8 Indians sequence is an integral part.
He can be reached through his website:
White Island Retreat
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The Power of the Yoga Community and the Drive-By Divorce
The Power of the Yoga Community and the Drive-By Divorce
By Carrie Joyner
The main idea when I created my yoga and fitness studio was to build a community of like-minded people; people who loved yoga, people who wanted to get healthy and fit and strong…mind, body and soul.
I had no idea how important this community would become to me until about 2 weeks after opening the doors and had just experienced a drive by divorce.
If you have ever started or owned a business, you probably know how stressful it is.
You bet it all on red, dedicate months or years (in my case it took about 2 years of planning, financing and finding the perfect location, location, location) to even get to the point where you could actually consider it being “in business”.
Add on to that the end of a marriage that involved a 4 year old son, and it was a recipe for disaster.
So what is a drive-by divorce?
It’s getting a text from your husband asking you to come outside at lunch time.
I told him to just come into the studio, I had a pole dancing class going on and wanted to make sure all went well.
Then it’s getting another text saying “please, it’s really important…”, so I went outside.
I was greeted by the black Mercedes SUV, opened the door, got in and found my now ex-husband staring at me with red eyes and tear stains on his custom fit Armani suit.
He didn’t say much as he drove literally to the other end of the parking lot, where he parked the car and looked at me and said “You aren’t in love with me anymore, and I am not in love with you…we are getting a divorce.”
Simple as that.
The conversation was a bit of a blur.
I remember it not being a conversation, more of a speech.
I asked him what his next move was, and he said it was to go home and get his stuff.
He was moving into a near-by hotel, it’s just over.
My only concern at this point was not me, but our son. I said “What about Shane? What do we tell Shane?” “Nothing”, he said, “tell him I am on a business trip until I figure it out.”
I got in my jeep and drove far, far away- not wanting my clients or staff to see me crying.
I headed to my best friends house on auto-pilot. She wasn’t there, so I headed back to the studio and did a few more hours of work like a robot.
I couldn’t think, move, feel….breathe.
It was a sucker punch to the heart.
I thought things were getting better, he said they were.
Apparently not.
The next few days were a blur.
I was in shock but trying to act like things were normal for my son, who was totally out of the loop.
Every morning I woke up, took my son to daycare, went to the studio and tried to get through the day.
Working on and at the studio proved to be the perfect distraction.
I was an open door kind of girl, and anyone- staff, client, teacher, etc. knew that they could always pop in and say hi or talk to me. This revolving door of mostly females became my tribe. Literally. I would tell them what was going on if they had the intuition or inclination to ask, and I would repeat the story a million times over.
Not only did I find women who had been through the same or a similar situation and even some men, but I found a sounding board and it became like therapy to me.
Between emotionally fuelled lawyer visits to trying to be zen and teaching my yoga classes, my studio became more than a studio.
It became my happy place.
When we were under construction, I wanted a big executive office in the back room with cameras and an intercom-but I ended up putting my tiny desk in a tiny closet right off the lounge and reception area, so I actually sacrificed luxury for the benefit of hearing every conversation, every client at the desk and being 10 feet away from my staff at any given time.
Which leads me to Merissa.
I heard a woman freaking out at the desk about a canceled Pilates class.
We used Mind Body software, which allowed us to see who had registered for what class, so if there was a cancellation for whatever reason, we could contact them to notify them of the cancellation. She did not register, but showed up at the “regular” time and was livid that the class had been cancelled.
I think the teacher was sick and we couldn’t find a sub. Whatever the case was, I decided to go out and talk to her. I asked her if she wanted some tea.
We sat in the lounge and sipped on tea as she vented about how far she’d come expecting to do her class and go home and make dinner.
I apologized, things happen sometimes that are out of control.
I guess she saw that I wasn’t my normal bubbly self and asked if I was alright.
I said no, not really.
I was a little overwhelmed with what had happened. I explained what I was going through and in the blink of an eye she went from an angry client to a person with the best words of advice I have yet to hear.
She told me about one of her best friends who had been married to a pilot, and he did the same thing.
In this case, there was another woman involved.
What she told me next wouldn’t change my life, but it did change my outlook on everything.
She said “the best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself and your son.
Get yourself into the best physical shape you have ever been in, focus on being happy and spoiling yourself.
Don’t do this to make him feel bad, do it to make you feel amazing and not sit there thinking about the why’s and the poor me’s.”
This did not make everything better. It did not change the situation or my grieving process.
But after Merissa, I talked to literally hundreds of women, of every age, who had similar stories.
I stopped feeling like I was the only person this had ever happened to.
I started to let go of the blame and anger and I started to feel really, really connected to every person who walked through my doors.
We all have a story.
We do.
Once we learn to embrace the fact that everyone is going through, has gone through, or will go through a life altering struggle- we become one.
That community that I started building became my pillar of strength in a trying time.
They say everything happens for a reason. I believe it.
-Carrie Joyner
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Towards Polyamory? A Personal and Unfinished Journey
Towards Polyamory? A Personal And Unfinished Journey
By Ken
Polyamory is a new term and concept for me.
It has arisen in my consciousness as the result of an ongoing search for meaning in my life, and as a term that represents a new way of looking at relationships, commitment, fidelity, sexual freedom and personal values.
For me it encompasses feelings of fear and insecurity, but also feelings of belonging, connectedness and liberation from old patterns and stifling conventionalities.
I am thinking about polyamory, among a number of relationship options, as a viable and possibly joyful form of intimate engagement with others.
First, a bit of background.
I am a 64 year old gay man.
I came out in my late 40s – a late bloomer by any definition.
I had a good (sometimes very good) 27 year marriage with a loving woman, and together we raised two daughters.
However (and I suppose this is “a tale as old as time”, as the song goes) there were increasingly protracted periods of depression and frustration as it became clearer to me that this identity was untenable, and I left my marriage.
I set out on a new path.
In the meantime, I retired and moved from Saskatchewan to my place of birth, Nova Scotia.
Of course, leaving my identity in Saskatchewan as a heterosexual family man, as a worker and more recently as a member of a GLBTQ community, had its challenges and adaptations, but today I am in an almost 4 year relationship with a loving man.
However, there are still stirrings of discontent and frustration.
I am still on a journey of discovery, unpeeling layers of personal history - genetics, upbringing, the aging process - and within that context attempting to carve out a life that represents who I am.
Who, in fact, am I, and what do I want?
My partner and I introduced the idea of non-monogamy into our conversation about two years ago.
In those two years we have experimented, including others in our sexual lives, both separately and as a couple.
My partner wanted the experience of variety, and I wanted to find a less rigid and conventional means of expressing my sexuality.
We have stopped and started this process a couple of times, due primarily to my discomfort. We have very different views about sex.
For my partner, sex is sex, a recreational activity whose goal is mutual pleasure.
Nothing more.
It does not involve emotion or any level of commitment (other than the potential for FWB: Friends-with-benefits).
For me, sex is about connection and belonging, intimacy and meaning. Sex is about love and friendship and commitment.
So we come to polyamory, the concept of experiencing more than one intimate partner, of sharing lives in a deep and meaningful way with multiple participants, and of enlarging and engaging with one’s notion of relationship.
For me this is a fraught process.
The very idea of engaging intimately with someone other than one’s partner, and other than in fantasy, has been utterly foreign to me.
The process of expanding my sexual contacts has pushed so many buttons – insecurity, confidence, value judgements, fear, anxiety, aging and sexual performance, abandonment, aloneness, jealousy, social censure.
On the other hand, I firmly believe that we should never expect one person to satisfy all our needs – a huge responsibility to place on another’s shoulders, and an abrogation of our own responsibility for our own lives.
This part of my personal journey, undertaken at a time when many people are questioning the meaning of their lives as they settle into old age, remains unfinished.
In my worst moments, I feel a sense of extreme anxiety, and sadness and loss at the discarding of values and beliefs by which I was raised and to which I subscribed throughout my life.
In my best moments I look forward with optimism and excitement to the expansion of possibilities in relationship and connection.
Author Bio:
Ken was born and raised in Nova Scotia, and after working in Western Canada for almost 30 years, retired and returned home to the Halifax area. He is a painter, gardener, reader and cat herder.
Towards Polyamory? A Personal And Unfinished Journey
By Ken
Polyamory is a new term and concept for me.
It has arisen in my consciousness as the result of an ongoing search for meaning in my life, and as a term that represents a new way of looking at relationships, commitment, fidelity, sexual freedom and personal values.
For me it encompasses feelings of fear and insecurity, but also feelings of belonging, connectedness and liberation from old patterns and stifling conventionalities.
I am thinking about polyamory, among a number of relationship options, as a viable and possibly joyful form of intimate engagement with others.
First, a bit of background.
I am a 64 year old gay man.
I came out in my late 40s – a late bloomer by any definition.
I had a good (sometimes very good) 27 year marriage with a loving woman, and together we raised two daughters.
However (and I suppose this is “a tale as old as time”, as the song goes) there were increasingly protracted periods of depression and frustration as it became clearer to me that this identity was untenable, and I left my marriage.
I set out on a new path.
In the meantime, I retired and moved from Saskatchewan to my place of birth, Nova Scotia.
Of course, leaving my identity in Saskatchewan as a heterosexual family man, as a worker and more recently as a member of a GLBTQ community, had its challenges and adaptations, but today I am in an almost 4 year relationship with a loving man.
However, there are still stirrings of discontent and frustration.
I am still on a journey of discovery, unpeeling layers of personal history - genetics, upbringing, the aging process - and within that context attempting to carve out a life that represents who I am.
Who, in fact, am I, and what do I want?
My partner and I introduced the idea of non-monogamy into our conversation about two years ago.
In those two years we have experimented, including others in our sexual lives, both separately and as a couple.
My partner wanted the experience of variety, and I wanted to find a less rigid and conventional means of expressing my sexuality.
We have stopped and started this process a couple of times, due primarily to my discomfort. We have very different views about sex.
For my partner, sex is sex, a recreational activity whose goal is mutual pleasure.
Nothing more.
It does not involve emotion or any level of commitment (other than the potential for FWB: Friends-with-benefits).
For me, sex is about connection and belonging, intimacy and meaning. Sex is about love and friendship and commitment.
So we come to polyamory, the concept of experiencing more than one intimate partner, of sharing lives in a deep and meaningful way with multiple participants, and of enlarging and engaging with one’s notion of relationship.
For me this is a fraught process.
The very idea of engaging intimately with someone other than one’s partner, and other than in fantasy, has been utterly foreign to me.
The process of expanding my sexual contacts has pushed so many buttons – insecurity, confidence, value judgements, fear, anxiety, aging and sexual performance, abandonment, aloneness, jealousy, social censure.
On the other hand, I firmly believe that we should never expect one person to satisfy all our needs – a huge responsibility to place on another’s shoulders, and an abrogation of our own responsibility for our own lives.
This part of my personal journey, undertaken at a time when many people are questioning the meaning of their lives as they settle into old age, remains unfinished.
In my worst moments, I feel a sense of extreme anxiety, and sadness and loss at the discarding of values and beliefs by which I was raised and to which I subscribed throughout my life.
In my best moments I look forward with optimism and excitement to the expansion of possibilities in relationship and connection.
Author Bio:
Ken was born and raised in Nova Scotia, and after working in Western Canada for almost 30 years, retired and returned home to the Halifax area. He is a painter, gardener, reader and cat herder.
Below are two youtube videos
of interviews Frank Kermit was involved with regarding Polyamory
of interviews Frank Kermit was involved with regarding Polyamory
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Boredom is No Excuse To Seek Divorce
Boredom is NO EXCUSE for Divorce
By Frank Kermit
Couples coaching can be some of the most intense sessions possible.
Partly because it is about trying to understand two different points of view, but also partly due to each partner reacting to triggers from what the other partner is trying to communicate.
It can be very draining for all parties involved.
Emotions are high.
An established couple has the pressure of maintaining the relationship and trying to get to the next level, without losing what they were initially drawn too by the coupling.
Get Coaching Before You Get Divorced
The fear of unsolvable issues tearing apart what they have can bring couples to a breaking point.
Although it can be an unpleasant experience, it often is a necessary component if couples are to survive into a future together.
Sometimes, it takes a trusted trained, outside objective perspective, to bring clarity to a private situation.
In my coaching practice, I get to see the multiple sides of humanity.
I see the undying love of the human heart, the devotion to honor commitment, and the desire of parents who make it a goal to be better parents to their own children, than their own parents were to them.
I also experience stories of the violence that exists in relationships, the malicious manipulations of former lovers, how drugs destroy trust, and how resentment of unresolved issues of the past poison the passion of pair bonded couples.
Coaching is Cheaper Than Divorce
Coaching Workbook For Women Trying To Decide on Divorce
Honestly, I consider my profession to be a rare gift.
I see the best and worst that is out there.
It reminds me to be grateful for everything I have ever earned and worked for, including my own relationships.
This is why one of the concepts I practice is to make sure that a couple has legitimate reasons for filing for divorce.
Sometimes, individuals create fantasies in their imaginations about how wonderful life will be like if they get divorced.
- They focus on all the fun they feel they are missing out on.
- They focus on their anger in the moment.
- They focus on the past apologies they never got from their partners earlier in the marriage. (Ironically, apologies they never actually asked for directly it often turns out).
- They ignore the realities of what a divorce will actually bring to their lives.
You May Need Therapy or Coaching Instead of a Divorce
Coaching Workbook for Men Deciding on Divorce
The absolute WORST reason I have ever encounter from individuals seeking a divorce is that they are BORED.
Let me fill you in on a little secret.
Boredom simply is not a good enough excuse to end an otherwise functioning serious relationship.
Think of boredom as a symptom of a larger problem.
Chances are very high that your boredom has little to do with the partner you are with. In fact, your boredom could even be a sign of your own depression.
I always advise anyone contemplating divorce due to boredom to be assessed for depression.
Some of the best ways to combat your own boredom is to develop habits of being proactive and resilience to apathy.
Keep The Sex Life From Getting Boring
Learn the Difference between Fun, Fulfillment and Escapism with Frank Coaching
Anyone who divorces because they want more fun in life, will likely have that fun once separated but it will last only a short time.
Fun is not the same thing as fulfillment.
Once the fun is over, you still have to get back to your regular life.
Divorce does not solve the problems most people think it does, when boredom was your biggest motivation.
In those cases, divorce simply trades in one set of problems for a new set of problems.
With all due respect to the people out there that are bored out of their minds, a little boredom might be the best thing that could happen to you.
In the pillars of boredom that are part of the foundation of your current serious relationship are often the elements of:
With all due respect to the people out there that are bored out of their minds, a little boredom might be the best thing that could happen to you.
In the pillars of boredom that are part of the foundation of your current serious relationship are often the elements of:
- stability,
- reliability,
- predictability, and
- invulnerability to even the greatest temptation.
Romance Made Easy To Keep The Passion Going
What one person interprets as BORING may actually be a collection of ABILITIES that produce successful serious long-term relationships.
If you are aiming for a divorce, make sure you are doing it for the right reasons.
Boredom, without any other contributing factor, is not one of them.
It can be very easy to take for granted all the things that we actually value about our current relationships for the pillar reasons
mentioned above.
Do not make the mistake of having to lose what you have, and needing the experience of being without them to make you appreciate whom you got right now.
Frank Kermit
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Cost of Coaching vs Cost of Divorce.... Do you want to be able to retire?
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You Don't Have Time for Toxic People in Your Life
You Do Not Have Time For Toxic People
By Frank Kermit
When I lecture, coach or regularly talk on the radio about Toxic people,
I usually define Toxic people as lacking the capacity to reason, or people who have the capacity to reason but just do not want to reason with you.
I often advise that the best way to deal with a toxic person is not to deal with that person at all.
FrankTalks.com Coaching Workbook For Men
One of the principles I teach in my coaching workbooks for men and women, "I'm A Man, That's My Job" and "I'm a Woman, It's My Time" respectively is that you have to learn to deal with toxic people as part of learning to manage any successful relationship.
FrankTalks.com Coaching Workbook for Women
However, sometimes a “toxic” person may not be typically toxic at all.
In fact the person could be a very caring friend of yours that simply is giving you bad advice or encouraging you in ways that are not in your best long-term interest.
In the same way that Arizona law allows people to move forward by sealing past mistakes under ARS 13-911, it’s important to recognize when something that seems helpful may actually be holding you back.
One of the Rules of Dating. Discover the other Rules of Dating here
A “toxic” person could also be someone that you love, who genuinely loves you back, but isn’t ready or interested in moving forward with you for any number of reasons.
Sometimes a toxic person is someone you are very close to, and can even count on, but who also brings out your worst attributes.
If you are single and interested in finding a serious relationship, it is very important that you keep toxic people (and those who are not toxic per se, but have a negative impact on your love life) as far away from you as possible.
Sometimes a toxic person is someone you are very close to, and can even count on, but who also brings out your worst attributes.
If you are single and interested in finding a serious relationship, it is very important that you keep toxic people (and those who are not toxic per se, but have a negative impact on your love life) as far away from you as possible.
Here are some examples
If you happen to be overly critical of yourself to the point that you continually put yourself down, or discourage yourself from trying new things, and there is someone around you that fuels these behaviors, that person may be toxic to you.
Even if the person pushes you in discouraging yourself from trying new things because that person just wants to protect your feelings in case those new things do not work out;
regardless of the intent, that person is holding you back and not doing you any real favours.
regardless of the intent, that person is holding you back and not doing you any real favours.
Learn To Calibrate to Toxic People
If you happen to start dating someone new and the chemistry is not exactly where you want it to be, and you decided to give your date a chance to let the chemistry develop over time because you really like your date and love all of your date’s other attributes
BUT your best friend tells you that you should dump your date, because you deserve better, and should never settle,
then your best friend may be toxic to you.
BUT your best friend tells you that you should dump your date, because you deserve better, and should never settle,
then your best friend may be toxic to you.
Maybe your best friend has your best interests at heart, or maybe your best friend is jealous of your date and doesn’t want to lose spending time with you.
Either way, if you have a chance at finding a decent partner to have a serious relationship, and a person in your life is pushing you to give it up before giving it a real chance, that person may be toxic for you.
If you are attempting to adopt a healthier lifestyle of eating better, exercising and reducing the amount of alcohol and junk food you eat, and a person in your life keeps trying to get you to go out places that encourage those behaviors you are trying to change, that person may be toxic for you.
The person could attempt to join you on your new outings that encourage your new sought out healthier lifestyle, but isn’t interested, and attempts to guilt you into going places you would rather stay away from, that person may be toxic for you.
Advice on Dealing with Toxic People
If you want to move forward in your life, it is going to involve some sacrifices
and one of those sacrifices might mean to spend less time with the toxic people in your life who, good intentions or not, hold you back.
There will be consequences such as some hurt feelings, and maybe a little resentment from the people that you put some distance with.
On the other hand,
the consequences might also include a newfound sense of adventure for life, new confidence in your ability to more forward, and even the best possible serious romantic relationship ever.
In the long term, it might be a pretty good trade.
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