- Published on
The question of living together before marriage comes up most often in my work, when helping couples through pre-marriage coaching, and helping singles figure out their boundaries and personal moral code on their path to finding a life partner.
Is Living Together Before Marriage
a Good Idea?
By Frank Kermit
The question of living together before marriage comes up most often in my work, when helping couples through pre-marriage coaching, and helping singles figure out their boundaries and personal moral code on their path to finding a life partner.
The first place to start when answering this question is whether or not there are any cultural or religious reasons not to live together out of wedlock.
Advice needs to take into account the personal beliefs of the individuals and not force anyone to violate their own sense of right and wrong.
What may be appropriate for one group of people may not be acceptable for another group of people.
In cases where the couple may not have any such issues with living together prior to being married, but the family members close to the couple would not find it acceptable, the next question for that couple to explore is the importance of maintaining familial relations compared to following their own path.
Depending on how close people are to their extended families, and whether or not said families would cast out those who defy family social norms, may factor in greatly to the decision of living together.
With all that said, if there are no cultural or religious practices obstructing the couple from living together before marriage, I would generally counsel that it is a good experience to live together first.
To be clear, there are benefits of living together prior to being married (and if not to get married, then to test the waters for a life partnership and child rearing in the case of raising a family), which favor the couple that learns everything they can about each other.
There are things that you find out about your spouse-to-be only through living with them such as their grooming habits (or lack thereof), their ability to cope with being sick, and how they handle the stresses of everyday life.
Living together is one of the best ways to force an end to any remaining remnants of a honeymoon phase.
Best to know these things about your future spouse before becoming the spouse.
If there was one caveat that I would recommend, it is that living together must be a prelude to getting more serious.
If there is no interest in being serious long term, then do not move in together regardless of any convenience or incentives it may offer.
The best way to insure that neither member of the couple is wasting time with the wrong partner is to set a deadline to ensure that at some point, the couple that is just-living-together, will in time become the couple that is engaged.
If the deadline is reached after living together for a certain time period and the couple has not moved their relationship to the next level, take it as a red flag to end the relationship.
Frank Kermit
a Good Idea?
By Frank Kermit
The question of living together before marriage comes up most often in my work, when helping couples through pre-marriage coaching, and helping singles figure out their boundaries and personal moral code on their path to finding a life partner.
The first place to start when answering this question is whether or not there are any cultural or religious reasons not to live together out of wedlock.
Advice needs to take into account the personal beliefs of the individuals and not force anyone to violate their own sense of right and wrong.
What may be appropriate for one group of people may not be acceptable for another group of people.
In cases where the couple may not have any such issues with living together prior to being married, but the family members close to the couple would not find it acceptable, the next question for that couple to explore is the importance of maintaining familial relations compared to following their own path.
Depending on how close people are to their extended families, and whether or not said families would cast out those who defy family social norms, may factor in greatly to the decision of living together.
With all that said, if there are no cultural or religious practices obstructing the couple from living together before marriage, I would generally counsel that it is a good experience to live together first.
To be clear, there are benefits of living together prior to being married (and if not to get married, then to test the waters for a life partnership and child rearing in the case of raising a family), which favor the couple that learns everything they can about each other.
There are things that you find out about your spouse-to-be only through living with them such as their grooming habits (or lack thereof), their ability to cope with being sick, and how they handle the stresses of everyday life.
Living together is one of the best ways to force an end to any remaining remnants of a honeymoon phase.
Best to know these things about your future spouse before becoming the spouse.
If there was one caveat that I would recommend, it is that living together must be a prelude to getting more serious.
If there is no interest in being serious long term, then do not move in together regardless of any convenience or incentives it may offer.
The best way to insure that neither member of the couple is wasting time with the wrong partner is to set a deadline to ensure that at some point, the couple that is just-living-together, will in time become the couple that is engaged.
If the deadline is reached after living together for a certain time period and the couple has not moved their relationship to the next level, take it as a red flag to end the relationship.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
This is a contributed post.
Marriage Contract https://cdn.pixabay.com/photo/2015/02/01/07/58/divorce-619195_960_720.jpg
Marriage is never easy. After the honeymoon period ends, it can feel like a battlefield. Keeping the romance alive is hard. Having to consider someone else’s feelings at every turn can be a real challenge. For the most part, that challenge will be worthwhile. Being so connected to someone can be a real reward if you put the effort in to make it work. There comes a time, though, when that effort is too much. All marriages need work, but sometimes it can feel as though the work has replaced the good times. At this point, it might be necessary to say goodbye. Here are some signs that things have gone too far.
RESENTMENT
If you start resenting each other, it can be hard to get back to a good place. Resentment can kill the best relationship. That resentment can take on many different forms. It may be that you blame your partner for holding you back in life, or maybe you just resent the way they act. You may feel as though your partner has stolen an important part of yourself. Maybe you just resent the fact that you do all the giving in the relationship. Whatever the cause is, there’s no room for a destructive emotion like resentment in a marriage. As soon as resentment creeps in, the blame game will soon follow. These types of emotion can kill any love between you. Divorce is not an easy choice to come to. If resentment has replaced any feelings of love, it may be the only option left.
DISTANCE
The distance between you and your partner is about more than just physical space. It’s possible to live in the same house as someone, and still feel far from them. Distance can grow in any relationship, and it doesn’t have to mean the end. The larger the gap, the harder it will be to come back from it. A growing distance between the two of you may mean that you are going in opposite directions. If you feel a gap growing, it’s worth sitting your partner down and asking how they feel about it. Communication is a great way to bridge gaps, and if you both agree to make more effort, you may be able to save your love. If the conversation ends in another argument, or nothing seems resolved, it may be time to call it a day. Do you and your partner tell each other about your days? Do you still maintain a physical intimacy? If you are blocking each other out, it may be a sign that distance is growing between you.
RESENTMENT
If you start resenting each other, it can be hard to get back to a good place. Resentment can kill the best relationship. That resentment can take on many different forms. It may be that you blame your partner for holding you back in life, or maybe you just resent the way they act. You may feel as though your partner has stolen an important part of yourself. Maybe you just resent the fact that you do all the giving in the relationship. Whatever the cause is, there’s no room for a destructive emotion like resentment in a marriage. As soon as resentment creeps in, the blame game will soon follow. These types of emotion can kill any love between you. Divorce is not an easy choice to come to. If resentment has replaced any feelings of love, it may be the only option left.
DISTANCE
The distance between you and your partner is about more than just physical space. It’s possible to live in the same house as someone, and still feel far from them. Distance can grow in any relationship, and it doesn’t have to mean the end. The larger the gap, the harder it will be to come back from it. A growing distance between the two of you may mean that you are going in opposite directions. If you feel a gap growing, it’s worth sitting your partner down and asking how they feel about it. Communication is a great way to bridge gaps, and if you both agree to make more effort, you may be able to save your love. If the conversation ends in another argument, or nothing seems resolved, it may be time to call it a day. Do you and your partner tell each other about your days? Do you still maintain a physical intimacy? If you are blocking each other out, it may be a sign that distance is growing between you.
resentment https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/af/Unhappy_couple.jpg
ARGUMENTS
Arguments happen in any relationship. Love is never a smooth road, and sometimes you’re going to annoy each other. A sign that arguments have gone too far is when they happen on a regular basis. Do you snap at each other every time you speak? Do you stay angry at each other for days? These could be signs that things have gone too far.
Arguments happen in any relationship. Love is never a smooth road, and sometimes you’re going to annoy each other. A sign that arguments have gone too far is when they happen on a regular basis. Do you snap at each other every time you speak? Do you stay angry at each other for days? These could be signs that things have gone too far.
- Published on
The Story of Frank and Jade Kermit
Introduction to the 10 Year Anniversary Edition of From Loser To Seducer
by Jade Kermit
He likes to tell me that he seduced me. I roll my eyes at him and tell him I seduced him. The truth lies somewhere in the middle, in that we seduced each other. When we met we were two people who had been bashed by life to the point where we both had decided enough was enough. We had both made the life choice long before we meet each other to change. To examine our choices, to examine ourselves and decide, in our hearts what we really wanted and who we were inside.
When I met Frank in 2006 the world of online dating was still a fairly new thing. I was pretty new to it but really ready for that opportunity to meet, not just someone, I was looking for my life partner. The first time we were matched up online, Frank sent the only thing that was allowed on the site we were both on: an auto request to email me. I instantly replied no! The picture he had emailed me shocked me, and made me wonder what sort of man was he? There he was smiling into the camera, decked out in a purple sequined shirt, every finger adorned with silver and golden rings, many of them skull faces and around his neck more chains than I could count! He also wore a Fedora hat and was holding a cane. I decided that he was probably a player, and rejected him. Who dresses like that??
After rejecting Frank, I decided to date as many men as I could with the purpose of finding a partner, someone to build a future with. Alas my time was filled with a lot of “first and only dates”. Men I realized years later that either weren’t ready to date, had hardly ever dated, or were closet virgins! It was at this time that I was well and truly at the end of my patience for dating in general. I remember telling myself “okay, just one more date and if that doesn’t work out, that’s it.” I had resigned myself to work on my career, probably leave the Province to head to Alberta, which at that time was paying big money for skilled workers.
I didn’t know the dating site I was on allowed for people to retry contacting someone. So I was surprised when I received another request from Frank. This time he sent me a different picture where he was dressed in what I considered to be ‘normal clothing’. I realized that I had judged him too fast. How did I know what he was really like? Throwing caution to the wind, I decided the Universe was giving me a second chance, so I suspended my judgment and said yes!
Through emails and eventually telephone calls we started to hash out our terms. We seemed to get along but there were things that had to be made clear. Choices that could not be repeated and personality types we never wanted to encounter again, much less date! Due to various circumstances including my getting badly injured at work, Frank and I ended up being able to spend a lot of time together. In that time, we formed a bond and understanding that surprised and scared both of us. We would often look at each other and voice in wonder if such a connection was truly possible, or if it was even real. Two weeks into dating we were shopping for an engagement ring! I insisted on something cheap and cheerful, I was going to go the fake but beautiful route, but Frank insisted on my having a real gemstone ring. The one I picked surprised him. It’s not expensive or fancy but it’s beautiful and it was on sale! (I love a bargain)
All these years’ later women will still gush over Frank. When we attend dinner parties I watch them lean forward to listen to his every word. They will unconsciously flirt with him while their oblivious partners sit beside them. Why don’t these men notice? They don’t see Frank as a threat. He’s not your typical catch from a physical standpoint, and yet with his every word, every gesture they are hooked. Later on, these same women will tell me “Oh you are so lucky to have Frank!” and look at me with hidden distaste. Why? Jealousy for one and, well I am not a typical catch from a physical standpoint either! Standing almost 6 feet tall I tower over most everyone, including men. I am no delicate flower, but I am a catch! With my biggest smile I will turn to these women and say, “Frank is lucky too.” I am not a jealous woman. I know what I offer and am not threatened by other women. If you are confident in yourself, and what you have as a couple there is no need to be jealous.
I never asked or expected a date to pay for my meal. I never expected to be treated like a Princess. Princesses are for fantasy films and little girls. I am a woman. I am intelligent, strong and not afraid to speak my mind. I am self-sufficient and hard working. I never NEEDED a man in my life, but I WANTED one. I wanted a husband, a life partner to share the journey with.
People ask me: What is Frank really like?” Frank is just like his writings. Honest and straightforward. If you know how many books, lectures and other works he has done then you know he is hard working. The hardest working person I know. He is loyal and dedicated and yes, seductive. So subtly seductive that he has to rein it in sometimes in order to keep our social circles comfortable. He is also caring, loving, and extremely considerate. When I was injured all those years ago, he is the one that showed up at my door carrying groceries and a cane for me because he knew I could barely walk. My family never came; they said it was “too far” to bother to help me. Frank made a 2-hour journey on the bus to help me. That is the kind of man that he is.
Frank is also still a dork. Completely and utterly! He still loves comics, especially Ghost Rider. He gets pretty excited over kids toys. And although he denies it- he really does love our cats. (I’ve caught him snuggling them) He is prone to what we call “Frankisms” statements that make my head hurt but make me laugh at the same time. An example: One freezing cold winter day after he had been outside, I asked him “Is it slippery out there?” His answer? “Only where there’s ice!” He wasn’t joking. He truly thought that answer was helpful.
For anyone that fears losing him or herself if they “transform” from Frank’s work, don’t be afraid. Embrace the change, and know that the best parts of you will not only continue, they will thrive. The obstacles that held you back will dissolve and you will wonder why you resisted for so long.
I remember when I read Everything Out Of Her Mouth Is A Test in the early days of dating Frank. I was sitting on his bed in his tiny one room apartment. I sat there with my mouth open in shock. “You broke the code!??” I said to him in disbelief. “I know,” he said proudly, smiling at me. At the time I was worried that there wouldn’t be any mystery left, that he would be able to read me so well I’d be uncomfortable and hate it. In truth sometimes I do hate it! Mostly though, I am grateful that he “gets me” especially on the days that I am being the most difficult person and he has the patience of a saint, because he knows what my Emotional Needs are.
~Jade Kermit
Get your copy of the 10 Year Anniversary Edition of From Loser To Seducer
by Jade Kermit
He likes to tell me that he seduced me. I roll my eyes at him and tell him I seduced him. The truth lies somewhere in the middle, in that we seduced each other. When we met we were two people who had been bashed by life to the point where we both had decided enough was enough. We had both made the life choice long before we meet each other to change. To examine our choices, to examine ourselves and decide, in our hearts what we really wanted and who we were inside.
When I met Frank in 2006 the world of online dating was still a fairly new thing. I was pretty new to it but really ready for that opportunity to meet, not just someone, I was looking for my life partner. The first time we were matched up online, Frank sent the only thing that was allowed on the site we were both on: an auto request to email me. I instantly replied no! The picture he had emailed me shocked me, and made me wonder what sort of man was he? There he was smiling into the camera, decked out in a purple sequined shirt, every finger adorned with silver and golden rings, many of them skull faces and around his neck more chains than I could count! He also wore a Fedora hat and was holding a cane. I decided that he was probably a player, and rejected him. Who dresses like that??
After rejecting Frank, I decided to date as many men as I could with the purpose of finding a partner, someone to build a future with. Alas my time was filled with a lot of “first and only dates”. Men I realized years later that either weren’t ready to date, had hardly ever dated, or were closet virgins! It was at this time that I was well and truly at the end of my patience for dating in general. I remember telling myself “okay, just one more date and if that doesn’t work out, that’s it.” I had resigned myself to work on my career, probably leave the Province to head to Alberta, which at that time was paying big money for skilled workers.
I didn’t know the dating site I was on allowed for people to retry contacting someone. So I was surprised when I received another request from Frank. This time he sent me a different picture where he was dressed in what I considered to be ‘normal clothing’. I realized that I had judged him too fast. How did I know what he was really like? Throwing caution to the wind, I decided the Universe was giving me a second chance, so I suspended my judgment and said yes!
Through emails and eventually telephone calls we started to hash out our terms. We seemed to get along but there were things that had to be made clear. Choices that could not be repeated and personality types we never wanted to encounter again, much less date! Due to various circumstances including my getting badly injured at work, Frank and I ended up being able to spend a lot of time together. In that time, we formed a bond and understanding that surprised and scared both of us. We would often look at each other and voice in wonder if such a connection was truly possible, or if it was even real. Two weeks into dating we were shopping for an engagement ring! I insisted on something cheap and cheerful, I was going to go the fake but beautiful route, but Frank insisted on my having a real gemstone ring. The one I picked surprised him. It’s not expensive or fancy but it’s beautiful and it was on sale! (I love a bargain)
All these years’ later women will still gush over Frank. When we attend dinner parties I watch them lean forward to listen to his every word. They will unconsciously flirt with him while their oblivious partners sit beside them. Why don’t these men notice? They don’t see Frank as a threat. He’s not your typical catch from a physical standpoint, and yet with his every word, every gesture they are hooked. Later on, these same women will tell me “Oh you are so lucky to have Frank!” and look at me with hidden distaste. Why? Jealousy for one and, well I am not a typical catch from a physical standpoint either! Standing almost 6 feet tall I tower over most everyone, including men. I am no delicate flower, but I am a catch! With my biggest smile I will turn to these women and say, “Frank is lucky too.” I am not a jealous woman. I know what I offer and am not threatened by other women. If you are confident in yourself, and what you have as a couple there is no need to be jealous.
I never asked or expected a date to pay for my meal. I never expected to be treated like a Princess. Princesses are for fantasy films and little girls. I am a woman. I am intelligent, strong and not afraid to speak my mind. I am self-sufficient and hard working. I never NEEDED a man in my life, but I WANTED one. I wanted a husband, a life partner to share the journey with.
People ask me: What is Frank really like?” Frank is just like his writings. Honest and straightforward. If you know how many books, lectures and other works he has done then you know he is hard working. The hardest working person I know. He is loyal and dedicated and yes, seductive. So subtly seductive that he has to rein it in sometimes in order to keep our social circles comfortable. He is also caring, loving, and extremely considerate. When I was injured all those years ago, he is the one that showed up at my door carrying groceries and a cane for me because he knew I could barely walk. My family never came; they said it was “too far” to bother to help me. Frank made a 2-hour journey on the bus to help me. That is the kind of man that he is.
Frank is also still a dork. Completely and utterly! He still loves comics, especially Ghost Rider. He gets pretty excited over kids toys. And although he denies it- he really does love our cats. (I’ve caught him snuggling them) He is prone to what we call “Frankisms” statements that make my head hurt but make me laugh at the same time. An example: One freezing cold winter day after he had been outside, I asked him “Is it slippery out there?” His answer? “Only where there’s ice!” He wasn’t joking. He truly thought that answer was helpful.
For anyone that fears losing him or herself if they “transform” from Frank’s work, don’t be afraid. Embrace the change, and know that the best parts of you will not only continue, they will thrive. The obstacles that held you back will dissolve and you will wonder why you resisted for so long.
I remember when I read Everything Out Of Her Mouth Is A Test in the early days of dating Frank. I was sitting on his bed in his tiny one room apartment. I sat there with my mouth open in shock. “You broke the code!??” I said to him in disbelief. “I know,” he said proudly, smiling at me. At the time I was worried that there wouldn’t be any mystery left, that he would be able to read me so well I’d be uncomfortable and hate it. In truth sometimes I do hate it! Mostly though, I am grateful that he “gets me” especially on the days that I am being the most difficult person and he has the patience of a saint, because he knows what my Emotional Needs are.
~Jade Kermit
Get your copy of the 10 Year Anniversary Edition of From Loser To Seducer
- Published on
Couples Halloween Costumes Ideas
Couples, Costumes and Halloween
By Frank Kermit
Halloween is a great time for couples to have fun.
If you are in a newly formed couple and want everyone to know about it, or a well-established couple that wants to do something together for Halloween, here are some costume ideas for couples.
First, couples that dress up as well known, successful couples have a variety of costumes to choose from.
Fred and Wilma, Homer and Marge, Shrek and Fiona, Gomez and Morticia, Popeye and Olive, and Mickey and Minnie just to name a few.
These costumes are for the couples that really want to send out a message that they are at a Halloween party together as a couple.
With this theme in mind, I recommend that such couples stay away from costumes of couples that did not last. Thus, no Sonny and Cher, Kermit and Piggy, or Lucy and Ricky. (Most recently we found out that Han Solo and Leia did not stay together either).
Next are couples costumes that mostly represent two characters from the same story or theme, but not necessarily characters that were ever romantically involved.
These include the couples costumes of Gru and a Minion, Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf, Pacman and Ghost, two random superheroes, and Toy Story’s Woody and Jessie (Jessie was actually romantically linked with the character Buzz Lightyear, not Sheriff Woody).
Also included in this group are Cat in the Hat’s Thing 1 and Thing 2, a Matador and Bull couples costume, and Dorothy and Scarecrow costume pair from Wizard of Oz (honorable mention for Cookie Monster and a Cookie).
The challenge here is that although they are part of the same theme, it does not use the symbolism of actual characters that are romantically involved couples.
They are all great costumes, but not necessary the best possible costumes for couples looking to make a statement.
Personally I believe the best costumes are Costume Set-Pairs:
This means that unto itself, the individual costume looks like it is incomplete alone and requires something else to go with it, so the natural inclination is to assume there is a partner costume to go with it.
These types of costume pairings tend to be gender neutral.
These include Puzzle Pieces costume (especially if the two costume pieces fit together), Pair of Dice, Peanut Butter and Jelly, Day and Night, and even specially designed Salt and Pepper Shakers.
In cases like these, when you see one half of the couple such as Eggs, there is no mistaken, that somewhere in the party is that person’s favorite Bacon.
Final word of caution: although wonderful at certain kinds of parties, highly sexualized costumes may not be the best idea.
Pimp and Hoe, Hefner and Bunny, body parts, contraceptives, and fetish fantasy costumes are all great costumes, however it may invite other party goers to approach you both for more than just a costume compliment.
If either of you are the jealous type, you could be setting yourself up for some uncomfortable situations.
In short, do not subject yourself to other people’s tricks just because you wish to treat yourself to a titillating couples costume.
Have a safe, fun and loving Halloween!
By Frank Kermit
Halloween is a great time for couples to have fun.
If you are in a newly formed couple and want everyone to know about it, or a well-established couple that wants to do something together for Halloween, here are some costume ideas for couples.
First, couples that dress up as well known, successful couples have a variety of costumes to choose from.
Fred and Wilma, Homer and Marge, Shrek and Fiona, Gomez and Morticia, Popeye and Olive, and Mickey and Minnie just to name a few.
These costumes are for the couples that really want to send out a message that they are at a Halloween party together as a couple.
With this theme in mind, I recommend that such couples stay away from costumes of couples that did not last. Thus, no Sonny and Cher, Kermit and Piggy, or Lucy and Ricky. (Most recently we found out that Han Solo and Leia did not stay together either).
Next are couples costumes that mostly represent two characters from the same story or theme, but not necessarily characters that were ever romantically involved.
These include the couples costumes of Gru and a Minion, Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf, Pacman and Ghost, two random superheroes, and Toy Story’s Woody and Jessie (Jessie was actually romantically linked with the character Buzz Lightyear, not Sheriff Woody).
Also included in this group are Cat in the Hat’s Thing 1 and Thing 2, a Matador and Bull couples costume, and Dorothy and Scarecrow costume pair from Wizard of Oz (honorable mention for Cookie Monster and a Cookie).
The challenge here is that although they are part of the same theme, it does not use the symbolism of actual characters that are romantically involved couples.
They are all great costumes, but not necessary the best possible costumes for couples looking to make a statement.
Personally I believe the best costumes are Costume Set-Pairs:
This means that unto itself, the individual costume looks like it is incomplete alone and requires something else to go with it, so the natural inclination is to assume there is a partner costume to go with it.
These types of costume pairings tend to be gender neutral.
These include Puzzle Pieces costume (especially if the two costume pieces fit together), Pair of Dice, Peanut Butter and Jelly, Day and Night, and even specially designed Salt and Pepper Shakers.
In cases like these, when you see one half of the couple such as Eggs, there is no mistaken, that somewhere in the party is that person’s favorite Bacon.
Final word of caution: although wonderful at certain kinds of parties, highly sexualized costumes may not be the best idea.
Pimp and Hoe, Hefner and Bunny, body parts, contraceptives, and fetish fantasy costumes are all great costumes, however it may invite other party goers to approach you both for more than just a costume compliment.
If either of you are the jealous type, you could be setting yourself up for some uncomfortable situations.
In short, do not subject yourself to other people’s tricks just because you wish to treat yourself to a titillating couples costume.
Have a safe, fun and loving Halloween!
- Published on
Credibility Creates Commitment
Credibility Creates Commitment
By Frank Kermit
When someone comes to me for coaching to figure out why they are still single despite being able to attract a number of partners to date, I start coaching them with an assessment of what happens on those dates to look for actions and behaviors that may be turning off potential life partners. Most people are often unaware of the things they may be doing or saying that causes the other person to halt any potential commitment.
One of the behaviors that I often spot is how a person lacks credibility in the way they communicate, which I believe to be a source of why they may be able to attract a lot of dates, but none of them turn into a serious commitment. Although there are people who are commitment-phobic (who self sabotage a potential serious relationship because of a deep rooted fear that a committed relationship is related to more pain than it would bring pleasure), this is not always the case when dealing with people that WANT a serious commitment and associate being single with being in pain.
An easy way to summarize a lack of credibility is whether or not someone is caught breaking his or her own rules. It does not matter what your rules are per se; what matters is if you break your own rules. For example:
If you mention that family values are important to you, but you are caught trying to get out of a parent-teacher meeting, you lack credibility. In the mind of your date, if family values were as important to you as you claimed you would be willing to attend the parent-teacher meetings regardless if it means having to attend with your ex, because it is about your kids (your family). You lack credibility.
If you mention that you do not like seafood on a date, because you sense that your date does not like seafood and you want your date to like you, but you are caught ordering seafood at a later time because you forgot what you said that first meeting, you lack credibility. In the mind of your date, if you are willing to lie about something small because you wanted to be liked, then you likely will lie about something big down the road to avoid the possible conflicts it would bring. You lack credibility.
If you mention on a date that you do not have sex unless in a committed relationship, and then proceed to have sex with the person you are seeing before any serious commitment has been established because it felt right, you lack credibility. In the mind of your date, if you are willing to go break your rules just because you felt like it in the moment, how is your date suppose to trust any promise you make, if there is a chance you will break your promises because of the way you may feel in the moment. You lack credibility.
It is not the facts that you would rather avoid dealing with an ex, ordered the halibut, or had sex sooner than later because it felt right. What you are being judged on is that you said one thing (your rules) and did another thing (your actions). This lack of congruence is what are scaring people away from getting serious with you.
Think of it this way. A serious relationship can be a risky endeavor. A person may risk their children (having an unfit step parent can affect custody not to mention the safety of the children), their resources (what people lose in a divorce), their financial credit (sharing of debt repayment), even their very way of life (image the ways of losing your profession because you made a bad partner choice).
So if someone is looking to find a person to make a commitment too, that commit must be earned. Lacking credibility because of the way you break your own rules destroys the desire to commit. Credibility-Creates-Commitment.
- Published on
This is a contributed post.
While traditions are beautiful, it’s important to remember that your wedding day is ultimately about you and your partner. You can follow traditions, but you don't have to be completely bound by them. And so if you want to do things a little differently or break the mold- go for it! It’s the perfect time to get creative, and really have fun with all of the little details. Here are just a few of the ways you can bring in a fantastic, personal element into your wedding.
A Wedding Website
Wedding websites are becoming more and more common, and are a great addition to your wedding. You can link your wedding gift list from here, information about how to find the venue and even photos and stories about you and your partner. It’s interactive since guests will be able to post comments, and is a fun way to get people involved and build up to the big day.
Stationery
Your wedding stationery is one of the first things your guests will see about your big day, so you’ll want to make a good impression. It might also give them clues to your wedding such as the style and colors you are going to use. You could have a designer create something for you, or even have a go yourself if you have good design skills. Alternatively, you could invest in personalised wedding stationery from Paper Themes or similar companies offering this service.
A Wedding Website
Wedding websites are becoming more and more common, and are a great addition to your wedding. You can link your wedding gift list from here, information about how to find the venue and even photos and stories about you and your partner. It’s interactive since guests will be able to post comments, and is a fun way to get people involved and build up to the big day.
Stationery
Your wedding stationery is one of the first things your guests will see about your big day, so you’ll want to make a good impression. It might also give them clues to your wedding such as the style and colors you are going to use. You could have a designer create something for you, or even have a go yourself if you have good design skills. Alternatively, you could invest in personalised wedding stationery from Paper Themes or similar companies offering this service.
Wedding Invitations https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6b/DreamDay_Invitations_-_Birdcage_Wedding_Invitations.jpg
Favours
Wedding favours are a fun way to show your guests your appreciation for coming and are an excellent way to get creative. If you have a smaller wedding, you could personalise them to each guest. But if that’s not possible you could put together different favours for men, women and children. It could be anything from confectionery to a miniature candle to bath products to a miniature bottle of champagne. You could even get crafty and make something yourself. Although it might be best to do this well ahead of time since you’re likely to be busy close to the day itself. Decide on the kinds of things your guests are most likely to enjoy and put together a favour based on that.
Wedding Rings
There’s nothing wrong with a beautiful store bought the wedding ring. But if you’re looking to take it a step further, why not have bespoke rings made? This gives you full control about the metal, any stone placements, the width and just the overall look of the rings. Plus if you wanted to go with something a bit more unusual that you’re not likely to find pre-made then this is a good way to go. You know that no-one else is going to have the exact same piece and it’s totally personalised to you and your partner.
Wedding Cake and/ or Cake Topper
Even if you want to stick with quite a traditionally themed wedding, the cake is one area that you can really have fun with. There are tons of absolutely incredible wedding cake designers out there. They are able to put you together something that’s completely unique. If an alternative wedding cake is a little out of your comfort zone, why not personalise it with a fun topper instead? You can have these designed to look like you and your partner on places like Etsy. They don’t even have to be human looking versions of you. It could be anything from animals to aliens depending on what reflects your interests the most!
Dogs
Our dogs really are part of the family, and so if you want them to be a part of your big day then why not? Check with the venue to see if there are any restrictions, at the very least you should be able to have some photos taken with them outdoors with your guests. Providing your dog is social and comfortable being in groups of people, if not you could just arrange some photos with you the dog and the groom. Since you and your wedding party are likely to be busy on the day itself, your best bet would be to hire a pet sitter. They can bring them in when needed and then drop them back at home afterwards without you having to mess around or worry.
Wedding favours are a fun way to show your guests your appreciation for coming and are an excellent way to get creative. If you have a smaller wedding, you could personalise them to each guest. But if that’s not possible you could put together different favours for men, women and children. It could be anything from confectionery to a miniature candle to bath products to a miniature bottle of champagne. You could even get crafty and make something yourself. Although it might be best to do this well ahead of time since you’re likely to be busy close to the day itself. Decide on the kinds of things your guests are most likely to enjoy and put together a favour based on that.
Wedding Rings
There’s nothing wrong with a beautiful store bought the wedding ring. But if you’re looking to take it a step further, why not have bespoke rings made? This gives you full control about the metal, any stone placements, the width and just the overall look of the rings. Plus if you wanted to go with something a bit more unusual that you’re not likely to find pre-made then this is a good way to go. You know that no-one else is going to have the exact same piece and it’s totally personalised to you and your partner.
Wedding Cake and/ or Cake Topper
Even if you want to stick with quite a traditionally themed wedding, the cake is one area that you can really have fun with. There are tons of absolutely incredible wedding cake designers out there. They are able to put you together something that’s completely unique. If an alternative wedding cake is a little out of your comfort zone, why not personalise it with a fun topper instead? You can have these designed to look like you and your partner on places like Etsy. They don’t even have to be human looking versions of you. It could be anything from animals to aliens depending on what reflects your interests the most!
Dogs
Our dogs really are part of the family, and so if you want them to be a part of your big day then why not? Check with the venue to see if there are any restrictions, at the very least you should be able to have some photos taken with them outdoors with your guests. Providing your dog is social and comfortable being in groups of people, if not you could just arrange some photos with you the dog and the groom. Since you and your wedding party are likely to be busy on the day itself, your best bet would be to hire a pet sitter. They can bring them in when needed and then drop them back at home afterwards without you having to mess around or worry.
Wedding Dog https://pixabay.com/static/uploads/photo/2015/01/22/19/36/dog-608211_960_720.jpg
Shoes
Since most wedding dresses are full length, it means the bride is able to have fun with shoe choices. On the outside, it can look like you’re dressed very traditionally. But underneath you could be wearing anything from big gothic boots or bright pink converse! It’s a nice way to bring in your personality in a more subtle way. They can be shown in certain photos, but the rest can stay looking traditional and bridal if that’s what you prefer.
Since most wedding dresses are full length, it means the bride is able to have fun with shoe choices. On the outside, it can look like you’re dressed very traditionally. But underneath you could be wearing anything from big gothic boots or bright pink converse! It’s a nice way to bring in your personality in a more subtle way. They can be shown in certain photos, but the rest can stay looking traditional and bridal if that’s what you prefer.
Wedding Dance https://pixabay.com/static/uploads/photo/2015/02/14/02/18/bridal-636018_960_720.jpg
Flowers
Flowers can be an expensive element of a wedding, but if you plan it well, you can save costs and make it more personal. Growing your own, and asking friends and family to grow some blooms to or contribute some from their gardens is a fantastic option. You could also pick wildflowers (although make sure you check it’s legal from where you’re picking them from- certain areas will be restricted) which is an inexpensive way to add some rustic charm to your wedding. Alternatively, you could decorate your wedding with balloons to keep flower costs down. This way you’re able to bring in your wedding colors and brighten up the reception room without having to fill every area with flowers. You can buy ‘balloon arches’ and other types of arrangements for weddings. Then all you need is a helium machine and plenty of balloons in your wedding colors.
Guestbook
There are so many creative wedding guest book ideas online that you could incorporate into your wedding. A particularly good one is to leave out a Polaroid camera and have guests snap pictures of themselves and write a message on the back. Then you can display the images however you want. For example, you could clip them onto pieces of string inside a photo frame, and turn them into a piece of wall art to remember your wedding day.
- Published on
This is a contributed post.
Sunset Proposal https://pixabay.com/en/lovers-pair-love-sunset-romance-1259124/
Planning to propose is one of the most nerve-wracking times of a man's life. This is a decision that is going to influence the rest of your life - not being nervous about it is a bad sign. This is something that you should be taking very seriously indeed.
It's made all the harder when the expectations on the proposal itself - not just what it signifies - are becoming greater. No long is it enough to want to spend your life with someone; you're now expected to have a great story to tell when people ask how it happened.
Given the magnitude of what's ahead, perhaps it's time to look at the other perspective. Women who have been proposed to have the best take of all of what the experience should be like, and here's their thoughts. So as not to embarrass anyone, they have chosen to share their stories on condition of anonymity. Names have been changed for the same reason.
"I wish it had been more straightforward."
Anna was proposed to by her boyfriend, Tom, after two years of dating. "He did a big thing," she recalls. "Gathered around our family and friends, had a whole speech planned out and even had a song. It was sweet, but I think I'd have preferred the moment to be about just us. It depends on the woman, but sometimes, less is more."
They married six months ago and are now expecting their first child.
"I was disappointed by the ring."
Adrienne and Josh had been together for five years, but the proposal was still unexpected. "I was worried by it, to be honest," she admits. "The ring was not something I would choose at all. It made me wonder how well he knew me. I love Tacori wedding rings and anything with a modern twist, but this was very standard engagement ring. I don't care about price, but it would have been nice to think he'd put some effort in."
Nevertheless, they married. Adrienne has yet to tell Josh she dislikes her engagement ring. "It's still the one he chose so it'll always be special," she reflects, "but I made sure I had an input when we selected the wedding bands!"
"He got it spot on!"
When Aiden proposed to Louisa, it was not a surprise. "We'd talked about it beforehand," she says, dismissing the idea this is not romantic. "I think that was important. He still did a whole down-on-one-knee thing, but I believe it was better because it was expected. And it was less nerve-wracking for him too, as he already knew the answer! Maybe it's not romantic, but it definitely made more sense for us as a couple."
They are planning to have a destination wedding, though a recent house move has put this back a year. "You can't plan everything, so it turns out," Louisa laughs.
So What To Take From This?
1. Know your bride and the things she likes.
2. Consider venturing the idea before taking the plunge; the surprise element is not always on your side.
3. Don't think you have to go all out on a proposal. Sometimes, less is more.
Happy proposing!
Frog Love Meme https://pixabay.com/en/i-beg-your-pardon-marriage-proposal-1089737/
- Published on
Make your love life a priority
Make Having a Love Life a Priority
by Frank Kermit
For whatever reason, losing your virginity has not been your priority.
How do I know? You are still a virgin.
Believe it or not, that is one of the biggest differences between men
who lost their virginity before you did.
Sure, some of them just got lucky and found a girl that liked them
back, and some of them just took a chance and went for it and
it just happened. But that did not happen for you.
And since it did not happen for you, that means that you are just going
to have to work harder than the other guys.
That means you have to make it a goal.
Once you make it a goal to lose your virginity, it becomes a priority
in your life. And that is a GOOD thing.
As you read in the AMV Handbook, or listened to the audio seminar,
I made it a goal after I was humiliated publicly when I was outed as a virgin.
I was unhappy being a virgin. And as soon as it became a concrete goal,
it helped motivate me to take actions so that I would put myself in
situations so that I could focus my TIME and ATTENTION on the things
that I thought would help me most.
When something is a PRIORITY in your life, you put everything else
that is NOT a priority aside, so that you can dedicate yourself to
reaching that goal.
And Yes, losing your virginity is an acceptable goal to have.
It is OK to finally lose your virginity.
by Frank Kermit
For whatever reason, losing your virginity has not been your priority.
How do I know? You are still a virgin.
Believe it or not, that is one of the biggest differences between men
who lost their virginity before you did.
Sure, some of them just got lucky and found a girl that liked them
back, and some of them just took a chance and went for it and
it just happened. But that did not happen for you.
And since it did not happen for you, that means that you are just going
to have to work harder than the other guys.
That means you have to make it a goal.
Once you make it a goal to lose your virginity, it becomes a priority
in your life. And that is a GOOD thing.
As you read in the AMV Handbook, or listened to the audio seminar,
I made it a goal after I was humiliated publicly when I was outed as a virgin.
I was unhappy being a virgin. And as soon as it became a concrete goal,
it helped motivate me to take actions so that I would put myself in
situations so that I could focus my TIME and ATTENTION on the things
that I thought would help me most.
When something is a PRIORITY in your life, you put everything else
that is NOT a priority aside, so that you can dedicate yourself to
reaching that goal.
And Yes, losing your virginity is an acceptable goal to have.
It is OK to finally lose your virginity.
- Published on
Bad Choices catch up with you
Good People Making Bad Choices
By Frank Kermit
This is blog is designed to offer advice, tips and support,
for seekers to find what they need to build, create and engage into
a successful marriage.
The reason this is such an important area of my coaching practice
is because most couple that get married
never do so in the hopes it will end in divorce.
Most people get into marriage wanting it to last until
death does them part.
Unfortunately, with the divorce rate being what it is, this is obviously not the result the majority of those couples ever wanted.
I see a lot of really good people, who want successful marriages,
in my private coaching practice working with individuals, and couples.
People who aim to live out their lives together in a successful marriage,
generally speaking, do so out of a desire to be happy, build a family
together, and want to establish a future together based on the principles that are important to them.
These same individuals aim to create a relationship structure,
that will be able to withstand the hard times, enjoy the good times,
and last a life time.
Simply put, they want to live a life of making choices to create the
most successful marriages possible.
The challenge however, is not that they lack choice to
making that happen.
It is that they do not know how to MANAGE their choices.
Years ago, I described one of the tenants of my coaching practice with this statement:
The power of choice, without the skills to know what to do with it,
can lead to a misery so great, it ends up being worse than living
in a system of oppression that meets basic needs.
That is what I see in my coaching practice.
Good people, making horrible choices that destroy their chances
of every having a happily successful marriage.
It is one thing not to be sure what choices is best for you.
It is completely a different matter to figure out how the heck
you manage a marriage in a way that
meets the emotional needs of everyone involved.
People often do not realize the mistakes they are making
managing their marriages (or upcoming marriages), until it is too late and they lose their marriages, destroy their families,
and send their kids into therapy.
So my coaching aims to help prepare all people to manage
the many choices they will have to make while they seek out
the secrets of successful marriages.
The Pre Marital Coaching is for all the people who:
-Want to Divorce Proof their marriages
-Are about to move in together
-Are thinking about getting engaged or who already got engaged
-Looking to elope
-Want to start a family
-Afraid of ever getting divorce, and want to reduce the risks
-Went through a divorce before and want to prevent another
-Have family and friends against this union and they want to prove them wrong
-Want to be sure they have the skills necessary to stick to their vows
-Are struggling with the idea of a prenuptial agreement
-Have doubts about marriage
-Want to make "til death do us part" mean something again
-Want to find ways to talk to their partner about difficult subjects
-Worry about trusting their partner
-Worry about the challenge of long term commitment
-Are looking for a marriage that is LGBTQF friendly
-Are looking for a marriage that is alternative lifestyle friendly
-Want conflict resolution skills
-Having a hard time pinpointing your relationship rules and boundaries
If you want to invest in securing a solid foundation to make sure
you are in a relationship that actually succeeds, then you are
seeking the secrets of a successful marriage
as well as those couples in already establish committed relationships that are working things out to stay together.
As you read and follow the articles on my blog,
do please reach out to me with any information that you feel,
was really helpful to you, in your pursuit of seeking the secrets of your personal success.
-Frank Kermit
- Published on
This is a contributed post
Weddings are something that most of us dream about throughout our lives. Meaning that when our big day comes around, we want to ensure that it’s perfect in every way. While a lot of the time we focus on the reception, it’s also important to take the time to ensure that your wedding ceremony is perfectly planned out. Otherwise, it may not end up being what you’ve always dreamed it would be.
The good news is that ensuring that your wedding ceremony goes without a hitch isn’t too difficult to do. It’s just a case of making sure that you do adequate planning for it and know what you would like it to be like. Ask yourself what type of ceremony have you always dreamed of? A quick one or something longer and more romantic - it’s your big day, so you need to make sure it’s what you want it to be.
To help you ensure that your wedding ceremony is exactly as you have always imagined it would be, below are a few ideas and suggestions. Take these on board and you can make sure that your big day is memorable for all the right reasons.
Double check your invitations
The good news is that ensuring that your wedding ceremony goes without a hitch isn’t too difficult to do. It’s just a case of making sure that you do adequate planning for it and know what you would like it to be like. Ask yourself what type of ceremony have you always dreamed of? A quick one or something longer and more romantic - it’s your big day, so you need to make sure it’s what you want it to be.
To help you ensure that your wedding ceremony is exactly as you have always imagined it would be, below are a few ideas and suggestions. Take these on board and you can make sure that your big day is memorable for all the right reasons.
Double check your invitations
https://c1.staticflickr.com/7/6105/6231837339_f85c59bf7a_b.jpg Wedding Invitations
Before sending out your wedding invitations, make sure to double check them. The last thing you want is for a printing error to cause problems, such as the time or postcode being wrong, for instance. So take the time to check over your invitations before sending them out, to ensure that your guests have all the right details. This is important as without the right information, some of your most important guests may end up getting lost or not turning up at all.
Have a schedule in place
For everyone in the wedding party, put together a schedule. That way everyone will know what they need to be doing and when. Having a plan written out will help to ensure that everyone arrives at the church on time and does what they’re meant to do. A few days before the wedding, email out the schedule for the day of your wedding to everyone in the wedding party. That way they can make sure that everyone knows what they’re meant to be doing and when. This will help to calm your wedding day nerves and ensure that everything goes to plan.
Get your orders of service sorted
Have a schedule in place
For everyone in the wedding party, put together a schedule. That way everyone will know what they need to be doing and when. Having a plan written out will help to ensure that everyone arrives at the church on time and does what they’re meant to do. A few days before the wedding, email out the schedule for the day of your wedding to everyone in the wedding party. That way they can make sure that everyone knows what they’re meant to be doing and when. This will help to calm your wedding day nerves and ensure that everything goes to plan.
Get your orders of service sorted
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c4/Memchu_wedding.jpg wedding ceremony
Whatever you do, don’t forget about your orders of service. If you want to make sure that your ceremony goes to plan, it’s important to give each guest an order of service. That way, everyone knows what to expect from your nuptials. If you’re yet to get your wedding ceremony programs sorted, get in touch with a specialist order of service printing company. The last thing you want is for your orders of service not to have arrived by your wedding date, so make sure to get them sorted in advance.
Have a tick list of what needs to be done on the day
So that on the morning of your wedding, you’re not stressing about everything that needs to be done, create a tick list. So that you have a simple list of the tasks that need to be completed to hand. You can then give this list to your head bridesmaid, who can make sure that everything on it is completed. This should contain things like ensuring everyone gets their buttonholes and making sure that all the ushers are at the church early. Just the little things that otherwise, could end up being forgotten about.
Don’t forget to call to confirm
Have a tick list of what needs to be done on the day
So that on the morning of your wedding, you’re not stressing about everything that needs to be done, create a tick list. So that you have a simple list of the tasks that need to be completed to hand. You can then give this list to your head bridesmaid, who can make sure that everything on it is completed. This should contain things like ensuring everyone gets their buttonholes and making sure that all the ushers are at the church early. Just the little things that otherwise, could end up being forgotten about.
Don’t forget to call to confirm
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a5/Wedding_car_oldtimer.jpg wedding car
Last but not least, a few days before your wedding, call your service providers to confirm your booking. For instance, if you’ve hired a car to take you to the venue, call the company a few days before to confirm. That way you can double check that the vehicles you’ve hired will all arrive at the right times and places. Or say, for example, you’ve paid to have flower displays put together for the church. Call the florist to confirm what time they’ll be delivered, so that you can ensure someone is there. This will give you peace of mind and will help to ensure that your day goes as smoothly as possible.
Planning a wedding is always going to be stressful, as there’s so much that needs to be sorted. To ensure that your ceremony goes without a hitch, take note of tips and suggestions above, and implement them.
Planning a wedding is always going to be stressful, as there’s so much that needs to be sorted. To ensure that your ceremony goes without a hitch, take note of tips and suggestions above, and implement them.
