- Published on
coming out of the closet
Revealing the Secret of Your Sexual Orientation
By Frank Kermit
I recently watched a YouTube video that one of my colleagues sent me, as an example of what may happen to a young adult (even a teenager) who publicly declares to his or her family, their homosexual sexual orientation.
As I told my colleague, it saddens me that such intolerance still exists, and that violence can occur within a family structure. However, this is nothing new.
Probably, what is likely the worst element of that video is that it seems to imply (at least to me) that the young man in this video was led to believe he could trust his stepmother with his secret and she fed him a false sense of support, only for her to refuse to support him when he came out to the rest of his family.
The young man in the video was living with his grandparents, and when they disowned him and told him to move out, the young man asked to live with his step-mom and dad, and they also refused him. By the end of the video the young man is physically attacked by his step-mom and verbally insulted by his own father. It is very sad indeed.
In my practice, I sometimes deal with adults who are still learning about their sexual orientation. Some are questioning if they are straight or gay. Some are not interested in choosing sides as they are attracted to both genders and come to see me about figuring out what kind of relationship they can structure with a long term partner and what is realistically possible.
Still others find they are attracted to all genders, transgender individuals, and even some fetish sexual practices (they may occasionally refer to themselves as pansexual).
When the question comes up, as to how out these individuals should be about their evolving sexuality the answer I give tends to be along the lines of balancing what you think you may get from it, and what it is going to cost you.
In a perfect world, everyone would be able to be completely open about their views, about their ideas, and about their sexual orientations without any fear of consequences or repercussions. However, it is not a perfect world, and depending on where you live, and whom you may take a chance in trusting, it could also be a very dangerous world.
So if you are in a position where you want to share a secret of yours to the world, and you cannot predict how others may react to you, here are some tips to keep in mind.
First, you are under no obligation to ever reveal a truth about yourself if you will be on the receiving end of violence or abandonment that could lead to your life being threatened. If you are living with people that may kick you out into homelessness, and you have no means of living independently, then do not reveal your secret.
If you have nowhere to go, or if you are going to be attacked and left on the street to fend for yourself, then wait until the time comes when you are independent enough that even if you lose people in your life, your basic survival will not be threatened.
Second, although fully accepting yourself is part of a healing process, and loving yourself despite others intolerance and disapproval is a must for your own balanced emotional well being, that does not mean you have to put yourself in any position where you will be harassed or victimized all in the name of self-love.
Part of self-love is about never putting yourself in harms way. There are times when publicly announcing self-acceptance cannot be held off until you are free from oppression, but it is always important to pick and choose those battles. Use good judgment about when that time is.
If you have any doubt about how the people around you would react to your outing yourself, hold off for now. There will come a time in the future when it will be safe for you to express yourself. Until then, stay safe, and work towards the day that you will never have to be dependent for your survival on people who would just as easily abandon you, for you being true to yourself.
- Published on
positive thinking law of attraction tips
Grateful To Positive, Positive To Attractive
By Frank Kermit
Thanksgiving is here! It is a time for people to be grateful for everything they have, even if they do not have everything they need or want. With that said, the practice of being grateful for what we already have is also a wonderful tool for being attractive enough to attract the kinds of people you would like to date and have more serious relationships with.
On its own accord, the process of being grateful helps individuals break the process of taking things for granted. This is an excellent way to get into a good habit, so that you never end up potentially taking people (like the individuals you date and get more seriously involved with) for granted either.
Coaching people about being grateful has its challenges. Then again, I am grateful for the opportunity to coach people, and I am grateful for everything that coaching others has taught me, and grateful that I get to share my knowledge with you dear reader. One of the challenges is that some people see gratefulness as a reason not to pursue or want more. Being grateful for what you already have is not supposed to be a deterrent from going after more of what you want. Just because you are grateful that you are living in an apartment and not living on the street does not (nor should not) make you give up your ambitions of owning a home instead of renting an apartment. When being grateful is used as a means to kill ambition, it is likely not gratefulness that someone is practicing, but potential self-sabotage.
The point of practicing gratefulness is to engage a positive state of mind. By eliminating any negative thoughts and feelings surrounding all the things you feel you do not have yet, or never got to experience, it forces you to shift your focus and energy to more positive efforts of aiming to achieve all the goals you have still set for yourself.
When negative thoughts and emotions are permitted to fester, they inevitably taint your focus to the point where, you will only be able to filter in even more negativity, and filter out all the potentially positive elements that could enter into your life. This applies to love as well. If you only focus on the hurt, heartbreak and hell of your past history, you will not be open to the possible potentially pleasing partners presenting opportunity for pairing up.
If you struggle to be positive about love, focus instead on being grateful for everything, including the lessons you learned from the bad experiences. You may not be grateful for the bad things that have happened to you, but it can be easier to accept them and move on, when you focus your attention on being grateful for all the lessons you learned from your past, as a means not to repeat the same mistakes (and thus avoid the same consequences) again.
If you give in to gratefulness living, that practice of gratefulness leads to a more positive emotional and mental state, and that will allow you to build attraction to bring in more positive people of love into your life.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Leonard Irwin the Medium
As a Medium and a Human Being
By Leonard Irwin (Guest Blog)
In my work as a professional medium
there are times when you see grief in another person.
One of my very first clients came to me
after her mother had passed.
There was anger, loss, loneliness and grief.
She was closed off and wanting answers.
I was still a new medium but also knew
that I was able to help her.
She (I'll call her M) wanted to know that her mom was alright
and that her death was not as painful as this woman thought.
M’s mother was the light of her life.
In fact, M recanted stories of her mother
being her best friend.
There was this sense of emptiness.
M not only lost her mother, but also her best friend.
They seemed to be inseparable.
M was coming to me for answers that she had
about witnessing her mother’s body slowly dying over several days.
Without going into the detail of the matter.
M’s mother passed on with pain and discomfort.
The memories haunted this daughter and
she was grieving not saying or doing the right things
to make her mother’s death less painful.
As the message came through, it was evident,
that M’s mother had passed on knowing full well
how she was experiencing her last days.
Her mother’s spirit, wanted to reassure M,
that there was nothing she could have done.
As it was not her (spirit) but her body that was dying.
Through the process of giving the reading,
M held my hand, cried, even openly wept for a few minutes.
As a medium and a human being
I knew that the most powerful thing
I could do in those moments was to do nothing.
Over the past 5 years I’ve had many more instances
where the person sitting in front of me
was grieving the loss of someone.
This past summer in July 2016 a woman came to me
about connecting to her parents.
Over the course of the reading,
she started to break down and admit some things
that she wished she had not said to her parents
before their respective deaths.
I got to experience a strong self-willed
independent woman.
Where, these very qualities, caused the most turmoil
in her parental relationship.
I witnessed this woman break down
and cry like a little girl.
At some point I asked, "Do you need a hug?"
It seemed like the right thing to do.
I held this woman who cried in my arms
for about 10 minutes.
Her body letting go of the grief.
She told me after this experience that when I held her
she felt vulnerable and safe enough to let go.
To finally allow herself the freedom to really grieve.
Sometimes the simplest things are the most powerful.
And they are also the most meaningful.
Human connections even during our times of grief
are still the most powerful acts one person can do for another.
-Leonard Irwin
www.LeonardIrwin.com
By Leonard Irwin (Guest Blog)
In my work as a professional medium
there are times when you see grief in another person.
One of my very first clients came to me
after her mother had passed.
There was anger, loss, loneliness and grief.
She was closed off and wanting answers.
I was still a new medium but also knew
that I was able to help her.
She (I'll call her M) wanted to know that her mom was alright
and that her death was not as painful as this woman thought.
M’s mother was the light of her life.
In fact, M recanted stories of her mother
being her best friend.
There was this sense of emptiness.
M not only lost her mother, but also her best friend.
They seemed to be inseparable.
M was coming to me for answers that she had
about witnessing her mother’s body slowly dying over several days.
Without going into the detail of the matter.
M’s mother passed on with pain and discomfort.
The memories haunted this daughter and
she was grieving not saying or doing the right things
to make her mother’s death less painful.
As the message came through, it was evident,
that M’s mother had passed on knowing full well
how she was experiencing her last days.
Her mother’s spirit, wanted to reassure M,
that there was nothing she could have done.
As it was not her (spirit) but her body that was dying.
Through the process of giving the reading,
M held my hand, cried, even openly wept for a few minutes.
As a medium and a human being
I knew that the most powerful thing
I could do in those moments was to do nothing.
Over the past 5 years I’ve had many more instances
where the person sitting in front of me
was grieving the loss of someone.
This past summer in July 2016 a woman came to me
about connecting to her parents.
Over the course of the reading,
she started to break down and admit some things
that she wished she had not said to her parents
before their respective deaths.
I got to experience a strong self-willed
independent woman.
Where, these very qualities, caused the most turmoil
in her parental relationship.
I witnessed this woman break down
and cry like a little girl.
At some point I asked, "Do you need a hug?"
It seemed like the right thing to do.
I held this woman who cried in my arms
for about 10 minutes.
Her body letting go of the grief.
She told me after this experience that when I held her
she felt vulnerable and safe enough to let go.
To finally allow herself the freedom to really grieve.
Sometimes the simplest things are the most powerful.
And they are also the most meaningful.
Human connections even during our times of grief
are still the most powerful acts one person can do for another.
-Leonard Irwin
www.LeonardIrwin.com
- Published on
How to write a eulogy
How To Write a Eulogy
by Frank Kermit
Hi Friend,
One of the best speeches I ever gave in my life, was my father's eulogy.
I wrote it in a way with the specific goals to not only talk about who my
father was, but it was also designed to bring a measure of peace and
healing to the many people drowning in grief at the funeral.
I made a list of goals that I wanted to achieve with that eulogy, and
based on the reactions of the various attendees, I seemed to have
achieved that goal.
If you are about to give a eulogy, and are nervous because you want
to do a good job, but are not sure about what you should say, and if
talking directly from your heart, is not something that comes easy
for you, then this article was written with you in mind.
Once you write it and give the eulogy, do contact me and let me know
how things turned out for you. I would love to hear from you.
25 Steps The Best Eulogy
1-You can mention your own grief, but do not focus on it.
My main point of grief writing my dad's eulogy is that he died
before my own children were born, and that was my biggest regret.
That my own children would never get the chance to meet him.
I mentioned it once in the eulogy. But that was it. I did not stick with
that theme throughout the speech. Never use a eulogy in a way,
that it could be mistaken for seeking out pity.
2-Languages.
My father taught himself to read and write in three languages.
So I made sure to give the eulogy in more than one language.
If the person you are giving the eulogy for was also multilingual,
do your best to include a sample of each language into your eulogy.
3-Focus on the good (How did that person make a difference)
What is the legacy that the person left behind?
What accomplishments was that person most proud of?
What did that person want to be remember for?
These are all good points to bring up during a eulogy.
4-Everyone grieves differently
It is important for you as a eulogist to remind all attendees to have
compassion for one another. One person may deal with grief by
wanting to be left alone and not speak to others for a while.
Other people may need to cry out loud. The most important thing
to remind everyone is that we all will grieve differently and to support
each other with acceptance of the different ways we cope with loss.
5-Be prepared
Have water handy in case your voice dries out. Have a handkerchief
or tissues to dry your eyes and blow your nose. Have someone close
to you to pat your back or hold your hand if you think you might need it.
At one point during my speech, my eyes were so watery, I had blurred
vision and no tissues. Using the sleeve of my shirt, I washed away
the tears and calmed my breathing down in order to continue.
6-Don’t dwell on that persons hardships, just use them as time markers
We all have hardships, but most people want to be remembered for more
than just the hardships they endured. They want to be remembered for
how they lived, not for all the bad stuff that happened to them.
My father lost an eye during an accident when he was six years old.
I mentioned it only to point out he had to grow up very fast after that.
But I never talked about it again in the speech. I could have mentioned
all the prejudice he faced in his life because of it. But I am sure my
father would want to be remembered for being a hard worker, teaching
himself how to read and write 3 languages, and of his devotion to
his children's education and not be remembered for the bad stuff that
happened to him.
7-What you talk about at the wake
Before you give the eulogy, go around to the people at the wake, or
those that reach out to you with condolence. Ask each person what
they noticed most about the person BUT do not tell them you are
seeking info for the eulogy. This will give you an idea of what words to
use, and maybe even a story to share, about how others viewed the
person you are talking about.
Just before the funeral, my brother, sister and I were speaking, and
they mentioned to me how much my father liked a good discussion.
It was something that wasn't in my original speech, so I jotted it down
just before it was time to deliver the eulogy.
8-Quote the person in that persons voice (imitate voice and gestures)
Quoting the person is always a good idea. However, if you have
the ability to quote that person, using a similar sounding voice or accent
as the person, then use it. It helps to release some of the tension
people are feeling when the eulogy is given.
9-Name drop as many people as you can, who attend the funeral
When talking about stories where naming people is appropriate,
do make the effort to name as many people as you can, that you know
are in attendance at the funeral. It makes people feel that are very much
a part of the process of showing respect for the person that has died.
If you can, do mention the names of the people that traveled long
distances, just to attend and pay their respects.
10-Say Thank You to all care givers.
If long sickness was involved, comment on the people who took care
of the person and be sure to thank them all by name. When people
are suffering from grief, it is very easy for anyone to feel unappreciated
and taken for granted. These negative feelings could lead to bad
decisions that could permanently wedge relationships in the future.
During the last 8 weeks of my father's life, he was tended to by my aunt
(his sister), my uncle (his brother), my brother, my sister and my mother.
I made it a point to talk about each person for a few minutes, mentioned
their good qualities, and anything my father may have mentioned about
his love and respect for them. It brought a lot of peace to them.
11-Use the shortest phrase you can to describe the person
Come up with an overall theme that encompasses everything
the person was. It will be that phrase that people will remember when
they leave the funeral.
When trying to sum up my father in as few words as possible, I believe
the term "silent devotion" encompasses everything he was to us. I used
that phrase throughout the speech. I explained why it was appropriate
because my father was not an outwardly expressive person (silent), but
he showed his family his love with his (devotion) providing for them.
To this day, some of his old neighbours still remark how they remember
that eulogy for this reason.
12-The use of audio-visual materials
Depending on where you conduct the eulogy, you will have to keep in
mind that some places do not allow for audio-visual materials. Those
that do allow for it, may not be equipped with the technology.
There is a story of one particular person who was giving the eulogy
of her father, and wanted to play a song that was one of her father's
favorite. However, the religious authority that presided over the funeral,
would not allow it because it was a not a "religious song". The young
girl then simply read the lyrics of the song as part of her eulogy.
If using audio-visual material is important in your eulogy, please make
sure you will not have any unpleasant surprises.
13-If the person knew it was coming, mention it
In all the years I have been coaching, I have learned that if it is mentioned
in a eulogy that the person knew that death was coming soon, it actually
brings peace to some of the people who are coping with loss.
It helps people feel that, since the person knew, the person likely got to
do and say things before it was too late. It really seems to help people
cope with the loss. So if this applies to the person you are speaking about
please mention it.
14-Dreams…if you’d had a dream of person, mention it
The night after my father died, I had a dream where he came to
speak to me to say goodbye and to tell me I should go and start a family
of my own. I have no idea if it was just a dream, or if it was actually him
trying to communicate with me after his death. I honestly do not know
what to believe. Turns out, it does not matter what I believe anyways.
When I told this story at his eulogy, it amazed me how much it was a
comfort to others that there was even this remote possibility that my
father could still communicate with the people left behind.
15-Give mourners a job
Ask all mourners to celebrate the life of the person who has died,
but give mourners something SPECIFIC they are suppose to do.
I told everyone that they should pick one memory of my father, and
that favorite memory could be a discussion they had with him, or
something he did for them, and to talk about that favorite memory
to everyone who also knew him. By giving mourners a job, you
give them an ability to further help them deal with the loss.
16-End off with saying something to the person directly
When you end the eulogy, this is where you can say something direct
to the person. It could be a simple, "I love you", or "I will miss you" or
"good bye". It might also be something very personal between you
and the person. My father used to tell me that I would never admit he
was right about anything. So one of the last things I would say at the
eulogy would be, "Hey dad...you were right"
17-They will ALL forgive you
Keep in mind that when you are giving the speech,
as long as you do it from an honest place,
people will forgive you if you cry or break down.
I broke down in the middle of my speech and needed a couple of
minutes to compose myself again in order to continue.
It is more than forgivable even the circumstances.
18-Forget you are talking to a crowd of people
When you give your speech, talk as if you are speaking directly to the
person's closet contacts. If that does not work well enough for you
then talk to the person that you mention in your speech, as if you are
practicing reading their eulogy to him or her.
19-A eulogy is for the people still left, not the one who died.
As contrary as this may sound, when you write and recite the eulogy,
keep in mind that the purpose is MORE to give those still alive some
form of peace and healing, and LESS to do with actually saying something
to the person that has died.
20-A eulogy is designed to bring people together.
Deaths can break up the family, and a eulogy MUST help reunite them
This is why you thank people in the eulogy, and remind them to show
compassion to one another. Mourning can sometimes bring out the
worst in people. The eulogy is there to help bring out the best in people.
No matter how justified it may feel at the moment, never use a eulogy
to bring negative attention to anyone.
21-Why people remember the eulogy
Grievers do NOT remember much of the entire week of death,
funeral home, or the burial…..EVERYONE remembers the eulogy.
It is one of the elements of the mourning phase that speaks directly
to people, and is easier for people to remember, because the other
memories of the death of a loved one, could be too much for many
to handle. A eulogy does not get blocked out, because it brings
comfort and closure.
22-When talking about God
Unless the person was a particularly devote religious person,
do not mention god or religion.
If that person believed, then mention their faith.
But if that person did not beleive, do not mention god or faith.
Those that believe will believe, and those that don’t will not.
23-List what made the person happy in life
Name three things in that persons life that made that person
exceptionally happy. This will help mourners remember the person
as being happy. It is a good image and memory for mourners to
hold on to, especially at such a time of great sadness and stress.
A couple of the things I mentioned that my gave my father the
greatest happiness were his pet dog, his cottage in the country area,
and watching his family grow. People that knew him were reminded
if images of his being happy in life.
24-The importance of a continuation
A preacher gave me this great bit of advice. When people struggle
with the idea of a person's life line coming to an end, help re-direct
their thoughts that line is not a linear line with a beginning and an end.
Life is a circle. The person did not reach the end of the line; the person
completed the cycle of their circle of life.
As circles are continues in their nature, it is easier for mourners,
to envision a form of continuation as a circle and the end of one cycle
and the start of another cycle circle, then to think about the line
having ended abruptly
25-The story of passing the love forward.
In the eulogy I gave for my father, I talked about how my grandmother
always said that because I was born in the same month as the death
of her brother, that she believed that all the love she had for her brother
should be re-directed to me. She said that when someone dies,
it is a sign that the person in the family was was born closest to that
time should now be a magnet for the affection that person used to get.
So I told people that the baby born closest to my fathers death
(a third cousin who lived in the area) should be the receiver of all the
love that my father got, and to give that child a little extra attention.
The idea is to help mourners to a put a focus to love the children that
need their attention, instead of getting lost in their own selves with grief.
- Published on
Speed Dating tips and advice
Taking Notes
by Frank Kermit
It is important to take notes when speed dating (or any dating for that matter).
I am not referring to the speed dating form
where you indicate YES or NO for requesting a match
I am talking about taking your own notes
about the people you speed date on a sheet of paper that you take home with you
One of the more embarrassing situations that may happen is that you end up on a date with someone you met speed dating but come across as not remembering what you talked about during your first speed-dating meeting.
Fact is, that night you are going to meet a number of people and it will be easy to forget who said what.
Sometimes people even refuse to go on the date after being matched out of fear they will look foolish for not remembering the first conversations.
So, take notes about each person you speed date, including things they said that were of a mutual interest. Include those tidbits of information when you first contact your matches to set up first dates.
This will make your matches feel more involved and more eager to meet with you.
Next time you speed date, make sure you bring an extra sheet of paper for your own personal notes.
It will make your communication with your matches so much more attractive.
This article is an excerpt of the book The Frank Guide To Speed Dating
#dating #speeddating #charisma
- Published on
Do not talk about sex if you are a virgin
Do Not Talk About Sex if You Are an Adult Male Virgin
by Frank Kermit
Helping Adult Male Virgins (AMV)
who want to find their first girlfriend to have sex with
is specialization in my coaching practice
Here is a Quick Tip for Adult Male Virgins
Do NOT Talk about Sex. You are a virgin, and you might end up saying
something that presents you in a really negative way.
Just like the main character in the movie The 40 Year Old Virgin,
he was found out when he tried to talk about something he had no
experience in (remember the bags of sand line?)
My AMV coaching clients are often surprised to learn that some of the
statements they make casual to their friends and associates reveal
just how inexperienced AMVs can be, not only for sex, but for
dating and relationships as well.
If you have ever made negative statements about sex (Ewwww! That's disgusting),
or innocently asked questions such as
"Why would people do that?"
when talking about what seems to you to be a futile sex act,
or remarking how something "Isn't really important", those people
around you are spotting your inexperience.
Unlucky for you, they are also likely too polite to call you on it.
Which means, you continue to go about your business, never knowing
what they really think they know about you: that you are a virgin.
Simply put, people who have had sex, can spot you without you knowing it.
One of the ways you can limit this, is that you just do not talk about sex.
When someone tries to get you to talk about sex, here is what you can do:
Just tell everyone that there are certain things you do not talk about or
discuss publicly and sex is one of them.
Then make sure YOU STICK TO IT!
That also means no sex jokes too.
Yeah, it may not be fun. However, if your goal is to lose your virginity,
it is one of the best strategies you can apply.
- Published on
Bad Choices catch up with you
Good People Making Bad Choices
By Frank Kermit
This is blog is designed to offer advice, tips and support,
for seekers to find what they need to build, create and engage into
a successful marriage.
The reason this is such an important area of my coaching practice
is because most couple that get married
never do so in the hopes it will end in divorce.
Most people get into marriage wanting it to last until
death does them part.
Unfortunately, with the divorce rate being what it is, this is obviously not the result the majority of those couples ever wanted.
I see a lot of really good people, who want successful marriages,
in my private coaching practice working with individuals, and couples.
People who aim to live out their lives together in a successful marriage,
generally speaking, do so out of a desire to be happy, build a family
together, and want to establish a future together based on the principles that are important to them.
These same individuals aim to create a relationship structure,
that will be able to withstand the hard times, enjoy the good times,
and last a life time.
Simply put, they want to live a life of making choices to create the
most successful marriages possible.
The challenge however, is not that they lack choice to
making that happen.
It is that they do not know how to MANAGE their choices.
Years ago, I described one of the tenants of my coaching practice with this statement:
The power of choice, without the skills to know what to do with it,
can lead to a misery so great, it ends up being worse than living
in a system of oppression that meets basic needs.
That is what I see in my coaching practice.
Good people, making horrible choices that destroy their chances
of every having a happily successful marriage.
It is one thing not to be sure what choices is best for you.
It is completely a different matter to figure out how the heck
you manage a marriage in a way that
meets the emotional needs of everyone involved.
People often do not realize the mistakes they are making
managing their marriages (or upcoming marriages), until it is too late and they lose their marriages, destroy their families,
and send their kids into therapy.
So my coaching aims to help prepare all people to manage
the many choices they will have to make while they seek out
the secrets of successful marriages.
The Pre Marital Coaching is for all the people who:
-Want to Divorce Proof their marriages
-Are about to move in together
-Are thinking about getting engaged or who already got engaged
-Looking to elope
-Want to start a family
-Afraid of ever getting divorce, and want to reduce the risks
-Went through a divorce before and want to prevent another
-Have family and friends against this union and they want to prove them wrong
-Want to be sure they have the skills necessary to stick to their vows
-Are struggling with the idea of a prenuptial agreement
-Have doubts about marriage
-Want to make "til death do us part" mean something again
-Want to find ways to talk to their partner about difficult subjects
-Worry about trusting their partner
-Worry about the challenge of long term commitment
-Are looking for a marriage that is LGBTQF friendly
-Are looking for a marriage that is alternative lifestyle friendly
-Want conflict resolution skills
-Having a hard time pinpointing your relationship rules and boundaries
If you want to invest in securing a solid foundation to make sure
you are in a relationship that actually succeeds, then you are
seeking the secrets of a successful marriage
as well as those couples in already establish committed relationships that are working things out to stay together.
As you read and follow the articles on my blog,
do please reach out to me with any information that you feel,
was really helpful to you, in your pursuit of seeking the secrets of your personal success.
-Frank Kermit
- Published on
This is a contributed post
After a while in a happy relationship, it’s easy to start thinking about the future. However, marriage is such a big commitment that you need to ensure you are both ready. It can put huge pressure on your relationship, and your marriage will crumble if you aren’t both wanting the same things. Here are some signs that your relationship is ready for the next step, and it's time to pop the question.
https://pixabay.com/en/couple-engagement-ring-diamond-802058/ engagement ring
You have lived together for a while
One of the first major steps you and your partner would have likely made in your relationship is moving in together. After all, more couples than ever are living together first before tying the knot. It helps couples to find out more about each other and how they act under difficult circumstances. Research has found that couples are less likely to divorce if they live together for a period before getting hitched. Therefore, if you have lived together for a while and are still happy together, it could be time to get married.
One of the first major steps you and your partner would have likely made in your relationship is moving in together. After all, more couples than ever are living together first before tying the knot. It helps couples to find out more about each other and how they act under difficult circumstances. Research has found that couples are less likely to divorce if they live together for a period before getting hitched. Therefore, if you have lived together for a while and are still happy together, it could be time to get married.
https://www.pexels.com/photo/landscape-sunset-couple-love-136411/ marriage proposal
You both have similar future plans
Your relationship will never survive marriage if you don’t have similar future plans. If one of you wants to go traveling, while the other wants to settle down and have a family, it’s never going to work between you. Therefore, before going to buy a ring, you need to talk to her about the future. Discuss your five-year plan to see if you are both on the same page. That way, you can ensure you're both ready for the future before tying the knot.
You both are financially ready
It’s important that the two of you have enough money if you are going to get married. After all, weddings are an expensive time which can put a lot of pressure on your relationship. If you don’t have enough money, you are unlikely to have a day that you both will love. Also, a wedding can stop you from saving for other things like your own home or a big holiday which you both really want to do. Therefore, you need to both be prepared for this. On top of this, you need to have enough money to buy her a beautiful ring such as gemstone engagement rings. After all, as this feature reveals, you should spend three months of your salary on a ring! Therefore, make sure you are financially ready before planning to get hitched!
Your relationship will never survive marriage if you don’t have similar future plans. If one of you wants to go traveling, while the other wants to settle down and have a family, it’s never going to work between you. Therefore, before going to buy a ring, you need to talk to her about the future. Discuss your five-year plan to see if you are both on the same page. That way, you can ensure you're both ready for the future before tying the knot.
You both are financially ready
It’s important that the two of you have enough money if you are going to get married. After all, weddings are an expensive time which can put a lot of pressure on your relationship. If you don’t have enough money, you are unlikely to have a day that you both will love. Also, a wedding can stop you from saving for other things like your own home or a big holiday which you both really want to do. Therefore, you need to both be prepared for this. On top of this, you need to have enough money to buy her a beautiful ring such as gemstone engagement rings. After all, as this feature reveals, you should spend three months of your salary on a ring! Therefore, make sure you are financially ready before planning to get hitched!
https://www.flickr.com/photos/astrocoz/68767468 wedding ring
You are both truly happy together
No relationship is perfect. You are bound to have a row every so often as the odd argument is part of a healthy relationship. But if you are genuinely happy together and love being around each other, then it could be a sign you should get hitched. Also, you should ensure you want to spend the rest of your life with her. If you can’t imagine not being with another girl, then you are not in the right headspace to get married.
No relationship is perfect. You are bound to have a row every so often as the odd argument is part of a healthy relationship. But if you are genuinely happy together and love being around each other, then it could be a sign you should get hitched. Also, you should ensure you want to spend the rest of your life with her. If you can’t imagine not being with another girl, then you are not in the right headspace to get married.
https://pixabay.com/en/couple-love-kiss-hug-beauty-park-1363967/ she said yes!
There is no perfect age to get married to your other half. But you need to be both ready on a maturity level to get hitched. After all, it’s a huge commitment that you both need to be sure you want to take. Whatever you do, don’t just propose because she wants a big wedding!
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Never Force Your Worldview on Others
Don't Force Your Worldview
by Frank Kermit
Each of us views the world a certain way. It encapsulates what we believe to be right, and wrong. The worldview of each individual can change over time as our life experiences teach us about the world, teach us about the people we interact with, and teach us about ourselves.
In dating, it is important to find someone who shares your worldview. This can be very challenging if you have never taken the time to figure out what your worldview is, and more importantly, if you have never actually challenged any worldviews you had because they are the views you were brought up with.
For example, if you grew up in an environment that values sexual abstinence before marriage and took on those beliefs as part of your worldview as a child, they may not have been beliefs that you ever challenged. Then one day, as an adult, you enter the world of dating and find that not everyone you wanted to date shares in your belief systems.
For the first time, you may question if those beliefs are in your best interest. You may start to weigh the positives and negatives surrounding waiting until wedlock. You may even start to question other beliefs tied into your upbringing including whether getting legally married is even necessary in order to live together and raise children, which are separate beliefs than those about whether or not to have sex.
In the end, you may decide to abandon all your previous beliefs. Or you may decide to enter a period of experimentation where you explore your own boundaries to see what works for you. It is also possible, that after careful consideration and challenging your beliefs that you decide that even if you did not seek out those beliefs that were thrust upon you as a child, you do in fact find they reflect your values and intend to stick to them because they are in fact in your best interest.
In fact, people who challenge their belief systems (their worldview) tend to have a stronger faith in themselves and their beliefs once they resolve their own doubts about it (a challenge to a belief system may represent a doubt in the belief system).
As a dating coach, I am less concerned about the specifics of your worldview — if it already works for you — and more concerned with 1) do you know what your worldview is? 2) Can you articulate it enough to communicate exactly what you mean? and 3) Are you aware of why you have this worldview?
If the only reason you choose a vegetarian lifestyle is because all of your friends are vegetarians, then your “why” reflects your actual values (the value of approval and acceptance of your peer group, and not necessarily a value of the benefits of a vegetarian diet).
With all that said, the point of this article is that when you date someone and it turns out that your worldview and the worldview of the other person are very different, it is important to remember that it is good to communicate your worldview to give the other person an understanding of it, and it is also good to be open to hearing and trying to understand the worldview of the other person. You do not have to agree with the opposing worldview, you just have to be open to understanding it.
The mistake some singles make, is trying to convert the worldview of the person they are dating, instead of either accepting the difference, or simply breaking up with the person and seeking out someone with a similar worldview.
If your worldview encompasses a lifestyle focused on a career and personal enjoyment instead of having children and raising a family, well that is OK. If your worldview requires you to have children and raising a family at the expense of career advancement and some personal enjoyment, well that is OK too.
One worldview life is not necessarily better than the other. The key is to find someone to date that already shares a similar worldview to your own, and not try to force, trick, shame or guilt a person into living your worldview.
Be respectful out there.
Frank Kermit
by Frank Kermit
Each of us views the world a certain way. It encapsulates what we believe to be right, and wrong. The worldview of each individual can change over time as our life experiences teach us about the world, teach us about the people we interact with, and teach us about ourselves.
In dating, it is important to find someone who shares your worldview. This can be very challenging if you have never taken the time to figure out what your worldview is, and more importantly, if you have never actually challenged any worldviews you had because they are the views you were brought up with.
For example, if you grew up in an environment that values sexual abstinence before marriage and took on those beliefs as part of your worldview as a child, they may not have been beliefs that you ever challenged. Then one day, as an adult, you enter the world of dating and find that not everyone you wanted to date shares in your belief systems.
For the first time, you may question if those beliefs are in your best interest. You may start to weigh the positives and negatives surrounding waiting until wedlock. You may even start to question other beliefs tied into your upbringing including whether getting legally married is even necessary in order to live together and raise children, which are separate beliefs than those about whether or not to have sex.
In the end, you may decide to abandon all your previous beliefs. Or you may decide to enter a period of experimentation where you explore your own boundaries to see what works for you. It is also possible, that after careful consideration and challenging your beliefs that you decide that even if you did not seek out those beliefs that were thrust upon you as a child, you do in fact find they reflect your values and intend to stick to them because they are in fact in your best interest.
In fact, people who challenge their belief systems (their worldview) tend to have a stronger faith in themselves and their beliefs once they resolve their own doubts about it (a challenge to a belief system may represent a doubt in the belief system).
As a dating coach, I am less concerned about the specifics of your worldview — if it already works for you — and more concerned with 1) do you know what your worldview is? 2) Can you articulate it enough to communicate exactly what you mean? and 3) Are you aware of why you have this worldview?
If the only reason you choose a vegetarian lifestyle is because all of your friends are vegetarians, then your “why” reflects your actual values (the value of approval and acceptance of your peer group, and not necessarily a value of the benefits of a vegetarian diet).
With all that said, the point of this article is that when you date someone and it turns out that your worldview and the worldview of the other person are very different, it is important to remember that it is good to communicate your worldview to give the other person an understanding of it, and it is also good to be open to hearing and trying to understand the worldview of the other person. You do not have to agree with the opposing worldview, you just have to be open to understanding it.
The mistake some singles make, is trying to convert the worldview of the person they are dating, instead of either accepting the difference, or simply breaking up with the person and seeking out someone with a similar worldview.
If your worldview encompasses a lifestyle focused on a career and personal enjoyment instead of having children and raising a family, well that is OK. If your worldview requires you to have children and raising a family at the expense of career advancement and some personal enjoyment, well that is OK too.
One worldview life is not necessarily better than the other. The key is to find someone to date that already shares a similar worldview to your own, and not try to force, trick, shame or guilt a person into living your worldview.
Be respectful out there.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Seek a life partner that has a compatible life plan to yours
Planning the rest of your life together
by Frank Kermit
When I sit down with a couple for Pre Marital Coaching,
which is working with a couple who are getting ready
to move to the next step in their relationship,
one of the questions I always ask them is
what do they have planned for the rest of their lives together?
Whether you are
moving in together
buying property together
having a child together
getting married
getting engaged
one of the key elements towards success
is having a life plan
and then checking to make sure
that your individual life plans
are actually compatible.
I have seen couples, who were very much in love
but had very incompatible life plans.
Where one person wanted 2 children in the next 5 years
and the other did not want children at all.
Where one person wanted to eventually move to Japan
and the other person wanted to move to Brazil
Where one person wanted to retire together to Florida
and the other person refused ever stop working
Where one person needed to spend the next 4 years
traveling to a different continent for a unique and specific
graduate education in a niche industry
and the other person was running out of time
to start a family
So, if you want to have a successful marriage
that will last long term
and withstand the status of separation and divorce
get your life plan in order.
Know what you need to know for your life plan
and find a partner that has a life plan that is compatible with yours.
