- Published on
The scripts that keep you single
The Scripts that Keep You Single
By Frank Kermit
In some people, there is a script. The script is the story they have concocted about how they will meet that special someone and fall in love. Some scripts are more detailed than others covering specific lines that need to be said, or a certain situation that needs to be acted out, to make the scene perfect.
Other scripts are a little more basic, drawing from archetype romantic story arcs, of candlelit dinners and moonlit walks. Whether the script is an elaborate five star production, or a simple outline of bullet points, there is one common element when I work with singles on their scripts.
That common element is that many of the scripts that singles are following, are in part, the reason those individuals still remain single.
One of the clearest examples of the script at work is when a single person contemplates new ways of meeting people. Each time a single person refutes a means to locate a potential life partner, because it doesn’t fit in with the way he or she imaged it occurring, they are deferring to the script that does not serve them.
This includes when singles reject means such as blind dates, online dating, speed dating, match making, dating apps or dating a friend, because they are holding out to meet someone through serendipity and a fantasy fulfilling fairy tale; their make-believe script is actually killing their dreams of achieving a chart topping love story.
What tends to turn people away from new ways of meeting potential life partners isn’t the technology, the taboo stigmas, or the potential dangers of meeting strangers.
It is the fact that new ways of meeting people does not follow the scripts they have inside about the way it was SUPPOSE-TO-BE. This is an example of what is meant with the saying of “People Getting In Their Own Way”.
There are also those times when a person’s script (the story of how the rest of their lives plays out) is downright damaging. Such as the single mother who refuses to believe that any man could be sexually faithful.
Since she is already convinced that the story of her life is to continually be cheated on, chances are she will (likely unconsciously) enact certain choices of the men she dates to help make that script a reality.
Or the man whose scripts insists that no woman would ever marry him for any reasons other than his bank account, would likely live out that script by only focusing on materialistic women to date, and (likely unconsciously) ignore or be turned off by the women that would actually be able to fall in love with his character.
If you find yourself a struggling single, and are looking for ways to expand your horizons, then it is important to look at the synopsis of the script inside you and re-write the scripts that are working against you on the stage of life.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
In some people, there is a script. The script is the story they have concocted about how they will meet that special someone and fall in love. Some scripts are more detailed than others covering specific lines that need to be said, or a certain situation that needs to be acted out, to make the scene perfect.
Other scripts are a little more basic, drawing from archetype romantic story arcs, of candlelit dinners and moonlit walks. Whether the script is an elaborate five star production, or a simple outline of bullet points, there is one common element when I work with singles on their scripts.
That common element is that many of the scripts that singles are following, are in part, the reason those individuals still remain single.
One of the clearest examples of the script at work is when a single person contemplates new ways of meeting people. Each time a single person refutes a means to locate a potential life partner, because it doesn’t fit in with the way he or she imaged it occurring, they are deferring to the script that does not serve them.
This includes when singles reject means such as blind dates, online dating, speed dating, match making, dating apps or dating a friend, because they are holding out to meet someone through serendipity and a fantasy fulfilling fairy tale; their make-believe script is actually killing their dreams of achieving a chart topping love story.
What tends to turn people away from new ways of meeting potential life partners isn’t the technology, the taboo stigmas, or the potential dangers of meeting strangers.
It is the fact that new ways of meeting people does not follow the scripts they have inside about the way it was SUPPOSE-TO-BE. This is an example of what is meant with the saying of “People Getting In Their Own Way”.
There are also those times when a person’s script (the story of how the rest of their lives plays out) is downright damaging. Such as the single mother who refuses to believe that any man could be sexually faithful.
Since she is already convinced that the story of her life is to continually be cheated on, chances are she will (likely unconsciously) enact certain choices of the men she dates to help make that script a reality.
Or the man whose scripts insists that no woman would ever marry him for any reasons other than his bank account, would likely live out that script by only focusing on materialistic women to date, and (likely unconsciously) ignore or be turned off by the women that would actually be able to fall in love with his character.
If you find yourself a struggling single, and are looking for ways to expand your horizons, then it is important to look at the synopsis of the script inside you and re-write the scripts that are working against you on the stage of life.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
life lessons learned the hard way
The S.L.A.P. Theory Of Life Lessons
By Frank Kermit
(this concept is discussed in my book: From Creepy To Charisma: The Art of Calibration)
Sometimes life will slap you down when it has a lesson to teach you. For some people, the slap may be a light swat, and for others the slap has to be a severe smack down. How hard life has to hit you in order for you to learn your lesson is up to you. Each time you get tapped by life, it means you have a lesson (or lessons) to learn.
If you learn your lesson and take the necessary actions to apply those lessons, you will not get tapped for it again. If you refuse to learn the lesson that life is trying to teach you, it will eventually slap you again, and the next time you get slapped, it will be worse. That is the thing about life. You will keep getting slapped harder and harder UNTIL you learn your life lesson.
In relationships, and example of life slapping you is that you keep dating the wrong person. Your first big slap could be a broken heart. You have a choice. Learn the lesson that life is trying to teach you about your choice of partner, or be doomed to repeat that mistake. If you do repeat it, the next slap will be worse than the broken heart. It could be contracting an STI (sexually transmitted infection), a bad marriage, an unexpected pregnancy, a divorce, and even a child you love that you never get to see.
All nasty slaps that life hits you with, that stem from not learning a lesson very early on about choosing the right partner for you.
In my practice, I have conceived of a way to better understand the means that life uses to teach life lessons.
I call it the Frank S.L.A.P. Theory. It is an acronym that stands for a mindset to help you handle it when times can sting you bad.
S: stands for Survive. If you have survived the slap, it means you are still here to learn something about what happened to you, and it is a sign that something needs to change.
L: is all for Learn. You need to learn something in order to avoid this happening to you again. Sometimes, it is one big lesson, and other times, a number of smaller lessons. As long as you can take the good, and take the bad, learn from both and there you have the slaps of life. (10 points if you got that theme song reference!)
Do not worry if you missed one of the lessons you were supposed to pick up on, or if you think you learned the wrong lesson. If you still have a lesson to learn, life will slap you again to give you a chance to get it right when dealing with the slaps of life.
A: Apply Action. This attitude is amazing for making absolute adjustments to the way you approach the world. Without applying action for the lessons to be followed in your life, learning becomes moot and life is going to send out another slap your way.
P: represents Pass it on. Once you learn your lesson and apply action so that you change your life with respect to your lesson learned, it is time to pass on what you learned.
This does not mean to teach your lesson directly, as much as it is about being the example of how to live, to those around you. This is especially true for those people that are in the care of children, who will do what you do, more than what you say.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
(this concept is discussed in my book: From Creepy To Charisma: The Art of Calibration)
Sometimes life will slap you down when it has a lesson to teach you. For some people, the slap may be a light swat, and for others the slap has to be a severe smack down. How hard life has to hit you in order for you to learn your lesson is up to you. Each time you get tapped by life, it means you have a lesson (or lessons) to learn.
If you learn your lesson and take the necessary actions to apply those lessons, you will not get tapped for it again. If you refuse to learn the lesson that life is trying to teach you, it will eventually slap you again, and the next time you get slapped, it will be worse. That is the thing about life. You will keep getting slapped harder and harder UNTIL you learn your life lesson.
In relationships, and example of life slapping you is that you keep dating the wrong person. Your first big slap could be a broken heart. You have a choice. Learn the lesson that life is trying to teach you about your choice of partner, or be doomed to repeat that mistake. If you do repeat it, the next slap will be worse than the broken heart. It could be contracting an STI (sexually transmitted infection), a bad marriage, an unexpected pregnancy, a divorce, and even a child you love that you never get to see.
All nasty slaps that life hits you with, that stem from not learning a lesson very early on about choosing the right partner for you.
In my practice, I have conceived of a way to better understand the means that life uses to teach life lessons.
I call it the Frank S.L.A.P. Theory. It is an acronym that stands for a mindset to help you handle it when times can sting you bad.
S: stands for Survive. If you have survived the slap, it means you are still here to learn something about what happened to you, and it is a sign that something needs to change.
L: is all for Learn. You need to learn something in order to avoid this happening to you again. Sometimes, it is one big lesson, and other times, a number of smaller lessons. As long as you can take the good, and take the bad, learn from both and there you have the slaps of life. (10 points if you got that theme song reference!)
Do not worry if you missed one of the lessons you were supposed to pick up on, or if you think you learned the wrong lesson. If you still have a lesson to learn, life will slap you again to give you a chance to get it right when dealing with the slaps of life.
A: Apply Action. This attitude is amazing for making absolute adjustments to the way you approach the world. Without applying action for the lessons to be followed in your life, learning becomes moot and life is going to send out another slap your way.
P: represents Pass it on. Once you learn your lesson and apply action so that you change your life with respect to your lesson learned, it is time to pass on what you learned.
This does not mean to teach your lesson directly, as much as it is about being the example of how to live, to those around you. This is especially true for those people that are in the care of children, who will do what you do, more than what you say.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
The question of living together before marriage comes up most often in my work, when helping couples through pre-marriage coaching, and helping singles figure out their boundaries and personal moral code on their path to finding a life partner.
Is Living Together Before Marriage
a Good Idea?
By Frank Kermit
The question of living together before marriage comes up most often in my work, when helping couples through pre-marriage coaching, and helping singles figure out their boundaries and personal moral code on their path to finding a life partner.
The first place to start when answering this question is whether or not there are any cultural or religious reasons not to live together out of wedlock.
Advice needs to take into account the personal beliefs of the individuals and not force anyone to violate their own sense of right and wrong.
What may be appropriate for one group of people may not be acceptable for another group of people.
In cases where the couple may not have any such issues with living together prior to being married, but the family members close to the couple would not find it acceptable, the next question for that couple to explore is the importance of maintaining familial relations compared to following their own path.
Depending on how close people are to their extended families, and whether or not said families would cast out those who defy family social norms, may factor in greatly to the decision of living together.
With all that said, if there are no cultural or religious practices obstructing the couple from living together before marriage, I would generally counsel that it is a good experience to live together first.
To be clear, there are benefits of living together prior to being married (and if not to get married, then to test the waters for a life partnership and child rearing in the case of raising a family), which favor the couple that learns everything they can about each other.
There are things that you find out about your spouse-to-be only through living with them such as their grooming habits (or lack thereof), their ability to cope with being sick, and how they handle the stresses of everyday life.
Living together is one of the best ways to force an end to any remaining remnants of a honeymoon phase.
Best to know these things about your future spouse before becoming the spouse.
If there was one caveat that I would recommend, it is that living together must be a prelude to getting more serious.
If there is no interest in being serious long term, then do not move in together regardless of any convenience or incentives it may offer.
The best way to insure that neither member of the couple is wasting time with the wrong partner is to set a deadline to ensure that at some point, the couple that is just-living-together, will in time become the couple that is engaged.
If the deadline is reached after living together for a certain time period and the couple has not moved their relationship to the next level, take it as a red flag to end the relationship.
Frank Kermit
a Good Idea?
By Frank Kermit
The question of living together before marriage comes up most often in my work, when helping couples through pre-marriage coaching, and helping singles figure out their boundaries and personal moral code on their path to finding a life partner.
The first place to start when answering this question is whether or not there are any cultural or religious reasons not to live together out of wedlock.
Advice needs to take into account the personal beliefs of the individuals and not force anyone to violate their own sense of right and wrong.
What may be appropriate for one group of people may not be acceptable for another group of people.
In cases where the couple may not have any such issues with living together prior to being married, but the family members close to the couple would not find it acceptable, the next question for that couple to explore is the importance of maintaining familial relations compared to following their own path.
Depending on how close people are to their extended families, and whether or not said families would cast out those who defy family social norms, may factor in greatly to the decision of living together.
With all that said, if there are no cultural or religious practices obstructing the couple from living together before marriage, I would generally counsel that it is a good experience to live together first.
To be clear, there are benefits of living together prior to being married (and if not to get married, then to test the waters for a life partnership and child rearing in the case of raising a family), which favor the couple that learns everything they can about each other.
There are things that you find out about your spouse-to-be only through living with them such as their grooming habits (or lack thereof), their ability to cope with being sick, and how they handle the stresses of everyday life.
Living together is one of the best ways to force an end to any remaining remnants of a honeymoon phase.
Best to know these things about your future spouse before becoming the spouse.
If there was one caveat that I would recommend, it is that living together must be a prelude to getting more serious.
If there is no interest in being serious long term, then do not move in together regardless of any convenience or incentives it may offer.
The best way to insure that neither member of the couple is wasting time with the wrong partner is to set a deadline to ensure that at some point, the couple that is just-living-together, will in time become the couple that is engaged.
If the deadline is reached after living together for a certain time period and the couple has not moved their relationship to the next level, take it as a red flag to end the relationship.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Spotting Red Flags In Dating
Spotting Red Flags
By Frank Kermit
When you are on a date, and the person you are getting to know says or does something that triggers a well-honed instinct that you need to stop dating that person, you have just spotted a RED FLAG. Having the ability to weed out potential problem daters at an early onset is the best we can hope for. Wasting time with the wrong individual hurts everyone involved: you, the wrong individual and your ideal soul mate who does not have the opportunity to date you yet, because your time is taken up by that wrong person.
There are two types of red flags. The first is Universal Red Flags, which are general bad signs by nature, which do not depend on the context of your situation. These would include red flags such as your partner needing to get drunk or stoned before being able to commit any act of socialization or intimacy. It has nothing to do with whether or not you have any prejudice regarding drug use for your potential partners. It has to do with the fact that this kind of behavior will tend to get progressively worse over time, as your relationship continues to grow, get more intimate, and garner higher expectations from each other.
The second type of red flag to be on the look out for is Personal Red Flags. These are completely context dependent because they are based on your own personal set of boundaries and deal-breakers which you simply will not compromise on. For example, if you are deathly allergic to a particular pet, and the person you are dating practically runs an animal rescue out of their home apartment which specializes in sheltering that kind of pet, then it does not matter what ever else you both connect on, how attracted you are to each other, and how kind you both are individually. The red flag in this dilemma is more than apparent and will eventually crush any future plans. At odds in this particular example are conflicting values: a life's calling to save animals verse a person's need to stay alive.
When a red flag is based on a personal boundary, there is no room for compromise. If there is any room for compromise, then by default, it is not even a boundary, and surely not a red flag. In order to be able to spot these kinds of red flags, a person must know what the can and cannot tolerate, and also have the ability to enforce such boundaries.
How someone treats animals can be a red flag. It is well document that many serial killers started out torturing and killing animals before they escalated to humans. The way someone treats an animal, may be a sign of how they will treat a vulnerable human being.
Personal hypocrisies are another universal red. It is when a person lives with a double standard where they say one thing, but live another. For example, a person may rage against the perils of pornography but yet have their own private porn collection tucked away in a secret stash. Simply put it is an indication that there may be a repeating behavior pattern in place such that you simply cannot trust anything that person says.
Shifting boundaries is another universal red flag.
When something is unacceptable one day, and more than acceptable the next day, the confusion that this repeating behavior pattern can draw out in relationship will lead to frustration and resentment. This is not about being or not being in the mood for a certain behavior, but more to do with the level of whether or not it is acceptable. For example, let us consider humor. When you have the same basic sense of humor where your partner laughs really hard at a certain kind of joke one day, and tells you how funny it is, but then goes off the handle saying those kinds of jokes are simply not appropriate in any context the very next day with nearly the very same joke: red flag. This could be a sign of a shifting boundary, which unto itself is already a red flag, but it could potentially be a sign for something more serious that would require the competency of a trained psychotherapist.
Some universal red flags are easy to spot such as infidelity and violence in past relationships indicating there is a higher chance of it happening to you. Other universal red flags are harder to spot because of certain social norms that make the warning signs acceptable. One such red flag is Gender Bashing. Just because most people are attracted to the opposite gender does not mean that all of those same people LIKE the opposite gender. Misogyny is misogyny, whether veiled in humor or not. Male bashing is still gender hate, even if touted as an entitlement for a history of oppression. If you are dating someone that constantly bashes your gender, it is foolish to think you will be the exception in their lives for the way they interpret you and your gender identity.
If every single relationship you have ever had, and every person you have ever dated turned out to be a dud in one sense or another, then it is time to focus on the common element in every single one of those instances: the common element of YOU. It says you have not yet learned to identify red flags early enough to put the breaks on your romantic endeavors with the wrong people. However, it is never to late to start learning today
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
When you are on a date, and the person you are getting to know says or does something that triggers a well-honed instinct that you need to stop dating that person, you have just spotted a RED FLAG. Having the ability to weed out potential problem daters at an early onset is the best we can hope for. Wasting time with the wrong individual hurts everyone involved: you, the wrong individual and your ideal soul mate who does not have the opportunity to date you yet, because your time is taken up by that wrong person.
There are two types of red flags. The first is Universal Red Flags, which are general bad signs by nature, which do not depend on the context of your situation. These would include red flags such as your partner needing to get drunk or stoned before being able to commit any act of socialization or intimacy. It has nothing to do with whether or not you have any prejudice regarding drug use for your potential partners. It has to do with the fact that this kind of behavior will tend to get progressively worse over time, as your relationship continues to grow, get more intimate, and garner higher expectations from each other.
The second type of red flag to be on the look out for is Personal Red Flags. These are completely context dependent because they are based on your own personal set of boundaries and deal-breakers which you simply will not compromise on. For example, if you are deathly allergic to a particular pet, and the person you are dating practically runs an animal rescue out of their home apartment which specializes in sheltering that kind of pet, then it does not matter what ever else you both connect on, how attracted you are to each other, and how kind you both are individually. The red flag in this dilemma is more than apparent and will eventually crush any future plans. At odds in this particular example are conflicting values: a life's calling to save animals verse a person's need to stay alive.
When a red flag is based on a personal boundary, there is no room for compromise. If there is any room for compromise, then by default, it is not even a boundary, and surely not a red flag. In order to be able to spot these kinds of red flags, a person must know what the can and cannot tolerate, and also have the ability to enforce such boundaries.
How someone treats animals can be a red flag. It is well document that many serial killers started out torturing and killing animals before they escalated to humans. The way someone treats an animal, may be a sign of how they will treat a vulnerable human being.
Personal hypocrisies are another universal red. It is when a person lives with a double standard where they say one thing, but live another. For example, a person may rage against the perils of pornography but yet have their own private porn collection tucked away in a secret stash. Simply put it is an indication that there may be a repeating behavior pattern in place such that you simply cannot trust anything that person says.
Shifting boundaries is another universal red flag.
When something is unacceptable one day, and more than acceptable the next day, the confusion that this repeating behavior pattern can draw out in relationship will lead to frustration and resentment. This is not about being or not being in the mood for a certain behavior, but more to do with the level of whether or not it is acceptable. For example, let us consider humor. When you have the same basic sense of humor where your partner laughs really hard at a certain kind of joke one day, and tells you how funny it is, but then goes off the handle saying those kinds of jokes are simply not appropriate in any context the very next day with nearly the very same joke: red flag. This could be a sign of a shifting boundary, which unto itself is already a red flag, but it could potentially be a sign for something more serious that would require the competency of a trained psychotherapist.
Some universal red flags are easy to spot such as infidelity and violence in past relationships indicating there is a higher chance of it happening to you. Other universal red flags are harder to spot because of certain social norms that make the warning signs acceptable. One such red flag is Gender Bashing. Just because most people are attracted to the opposite gender does not mean that all of those same people LIKE the opposite gender. Misogyny is misogyny, whether veiled in humor or not. Male bashing is still gender hate, even if touted as an entitlement for a history of oppression. If you are dating someone that constantly bashes your gender, it is foolish to think you will be the exception in their lives for the way they interpret you and your gender identity.
If every single relationship you have ever had, and every person you have ever dated turned out to be a dud in one sense or another, then it is time to focus on the common element in every single one of those instances: the common element of YOU. It says you have not yet learned to identify red flags early enough to put the breaks on your romantic endeavors with the wrong people. However, it is never to late to start learning today
Frank Kermit
- Published on
This is a contributed post.
Marriage Contract https://cdn.pixabay.com/photo/2015/02/01/07/58/divorce-619195_960_720.jpg
Marriage is never easy. After the honeymoon period ends, it can feel like a battlefield. Keeping the romance alive is hard. Having to consider someone else’s feelings at every turn can be a real challenge. For the most part, that challenge will be worthwhile. Being so connected to someone can be a real reward if you put the effort in to make it work. There comes a time, though, when that effort is too much. All marriages need work, but sometimes it can feel as though the work has replaced the good times. At this point, it might be necessary to say goodbye. Here are some signs that things have gone too far.
RESENTMENT
If you start resenting each other, it can be hard to get back to a good place. Resentment can kill the best relationship. That resentment can take on many different forms. It may be that you blame your partner for holding you back in life, or maybe you just resent the way they act. You may feel as though your partner has stolen an important part of yourself. Maybe you just resent the fact that you do all the giving in the relationship. Whatever the cause is, there’s no room for a destructive emotion like resentment in a marriage. As soon as resentment creeps in, the blame game will soon follow. These types of emotion can kill any love between you. Divorce is not an easy choice to come to. If resentment has replaced any feelings of love, it may be the only option left.
DISTANCE
The distance between you and your partner is about more than just physical space. It’s possible to live in the same house as someone, and still feel far from them. Distance can grow in any relationship, and it doesn’t have to mean the end. The larger the gap, the harder it will be to come back from it. A growing distance between the two of you may mean that you are going in opposite directions. If you feel a gap growing, it’s worth sitting your partner down and asking how they feel about it. Communication is a great way to bridge gaps, and if you both agree to make more effort, you may be able to save your love. If the conversation ends in another argument, or nothing seems resolved, it may be time to call it a day. Do you and your partner tell each other about your days? Do you still maintain a physical intimacy? If you are blocking each other out, it may be a sign that distance is growing between you.
RESENTMENT
If you start resenting each other, it can be hard to get back to a good place. Resentment can kill the best relationship. That resentment can take on many different forms. It may be that you blame your partner for holding you back in life, or maybe you just resent the way they act. You may feel as though your partner has stolen an important part of yourself. Maybe you just resent the fact that you do all the giving in the relationship. Whatever the cause is, there’s no room for a destructive emotion like resentment in a marriage. As soon as resentment creeps in, the blame game will soon follow. These types of emotion can kill any love between you. Divorce is not an easy choice to come to. If resentment has replaced any feelings of love, it may be the only option left.
DISTANCE
The distance between you and your partner is about more than just physical space. It’s possible to live in the same house as someone, and still feel far from them. Distance can grow in any relationship, and it doesn’t have to mean the end. The larger the gap, the harder it will be to come back from it. A growing distance between the two of you may mean that you are going in opposite directions. If you feel a gap growing, it’s worth sitting your partner down and asking how they feel about it. Communication is a great way to bridge gaps, and if you both agree to make more effort, you may be able to save your love. If the conversation ends in another argument, or nothing seems resolved, it may be time to call it a day. Do you and your partner tell each other about your days? Do you still maintain a physical intimacy? If you are blocking each other out, it may be a sign that distance is growing between you.
resentment https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/af/Unhappy_couple.jpg
ARGUMENTS
Arguments happen in any relationship. Love is never a smooth road, and sometimes you’re going to annoy each other. A sign that arguments have gone too far is when they happen on a regular basis. Do you snap at each other every time you speak? Do you stay angry at each other for days? These could be signs that things have gone too far.
Arguments happen in any relationship. Love is never a smooth road, and sometimes you’re going to annoy each other. A sign that arguments have gone too far is when they happen on a regular basis. Do you snap at each other every time you speak? Do you stay angry at each other for days? These could be signs that things have gone too far.
- Published on
Social Circle Dating
Dating In Social Circles
By Frank Kermit
Dating can be tricky. Does the other person like you the way you think he or she might? Do you really like that person enough to get more serious, or do you want to keep it more casual as you get to know them more, all the while risking that if you are not serious enough, that person might end up getting serious with someone else in the meantime? Will that person get along with my friends and my existing social circles? Will I get along with that person’s friends and social circles? Navigating these relationship management questions is part of the adventure of dating.
Sometimes, these concerns might be too overwhelming for some people, such that, they would prefer to date people that are already part of their existing friend groups and social circles. Intellectually, this would seem easier as the person you are dating is already accustom to the people you like to hang out with, and you already know everyone seemingly gets along. However, when you add romantic dating into the equation of maintaining social circles, it might be worse for you, that person and the entire social circle.
When dating someone in your existing social circle of friends, it is usually best to keep your dating between you and the person you are dating and not share details of your intimate meet ups with others in the group. This is especially necessary when you are still only at the beginning stages of dating. When initially dating someone, although it is expected that you both have an initial interest in each other, or at least are open to the possibility that something more could develop, it is also just as likely at this stage, that you might end up going on only a handful of dates and decide it is not meant to be.
Depending on where your personal boundaries are with sex and dating, this also may mean that the two of you might even have had sex by the time you decide to end the romantic connection, and just resume a friendship within the social circle. Some people can manage this process very well. Others may have a harder time being friends with someone they have already slept with, that remains in the social circle, especially if that person was the one that wanted to continue dating.
What many people do not factor in is that members of the social circle may have their own issues and problems with the people who decide to try and make a go of a romantic relationship. The reasons are various. It could stem from jealousy as there may have been someone in the social circle that had an interest in dating one of the couple, and now feels uneasy with the fact that the target of his or her affection chose someone else (a friend) to date first.
Another issue is that there might be someone in the social circle that simply does not have the maturity to handle the idea that two of their friends got together, dated, maybe even had sex, and ended it and that such an involvement is not fodder to be regularly brought up, made fun of, or a challenge to address.
By challenge I mean that sometimes, friends within a social circle, whom usually have the best of intentions, will make a mission of getting the former casual couple back together, even if it is against that couple’s wishes. Herein is where the real issues are when dating someone openly at the beginning stages of relationship, within a social circle. There will be people within that same social circle that will feel an obligation to involve themselves in the couple’s personal affairs. This kind of interference is rarely a good way for any couple trying to start the beginning of a potential relationship.
If you are thinking of dating someone that is already entrenched in your social circle, then strongly consider keeping the details about your romantic interests to yourself. Do not share your interest with others in the same social circle. If you do manage to get the person you are interested in on a date, do not share those details with the other members of your social circle. When you see the person you are starting to date at a social circle event, do not act like you are dating. Act friendly, but do not hold hands, cuddle, kiss or openly talk about the dates you have had. It may even be necessary to arrive and leave the events separately to avoid suspicion. If you behave correctly, no one in the social circle should have any inclining that the two of you are dating in any capacity, including having seen each other naked. Keep in mind this is a little more difficult than people think.
When couples get comfortable with each other, it is only instinctual to let that comfort show in very subtle ways (like standing extra close to each other in public, whereas most people still maintain a certain private bubble even between friends. Part of keeping the initial dating phase quiet is fighting this instinct.
If after dating a few times, one or both of the people in the couple decide to stop the romantic nature of their involvement, and wish to remain friends with the social circle intact, it will be easier to stay a part of the social circle. Break ups can split a social circle as members of the circle may start to take sides and get too involved in the private troubles that broke the couple up. Not being too public about the attempt at a more serious relationship beyond friendship is what helps keep a social circle together.
On the other hand, if after dating a few times the couple decides they like each other enough to get more serious, then the couple may go public with their relationship and thus inform the social circle of the new relationship status.
One of the benefits of this maneuver is that the couple in the relationship will have already formed a foundation for their relationship, such that when members of the social circle try to exhort any influence (again, not necessarily out of malice, but possibly out of good intentions), the influence may end up halted by what the couple has already established as part of their relationship boundaries.
One of the consequences is that some members of the social circle might have a bruised ego or hurt feelings that they were not included in the “big secret”. If this is the case, ignore it. Those are the same people who lack maturity that would have made dating openly in a social circle a nightmare.
By Frank Kermit
Dating can be tricky. Does the other person like you the way you think he or she might? Do you really like that person enough to get more serious, or do you want to keep it more casual as you get to know them more, all the while risking that if you are not serious enough, that person might end up getting serious with someone else in the meantime? Will that person get along with my friends and my existing social circles? Will I get along with that person’s friends and social circles? Navigating these relationship management questions is part of the adventure of dating.
Sometimes, these concerns might be too overwhelming for some people, such that, they would prefer to date people that are already part of their existing friend groups and social circles. Intellectually, this would seem easier as the person you are dating is already accustom to the people you like to hang out with, and you already know everyone seemingly gets along. However, when you add romantic dating into the equation of maintaining social circles, it might be worse for you, that person and the entire social circle.
When dating someone in your existing social circle of friends, it is usually best to keep your dating between you and the person you are dating and not share details of your intimate meet ups with others in the group. This is especially necessary when you are still only at the beginning stages of dating. When initially dating someone, although it is expected that you both have an initial interest in each other, or at least are open to the possibility that something more could develop, it is also just as likely at this stage, that you might end up going on only a handful of dates and decide it is not meant to be.
Depending on where your personal boundaries are with sex and dating, this also may mean that the two of you might even have had sex by the time you decide to end the romantic connection, and just resume a friendship within the social circle. Some people can manage this process very well. Others may have a harder time being friends with someone they have already slept with, that remains in the social circle, especially if that person was the one that wanted to continue dating.
What many people do not factor in is that members of the social circle may have their own issues and problems with the people who decide to try and make a go of a romantic relationship. The reasons are various. It could stem from jealousy as there may have been someone in the social circle that had an interest in dating one of the couple, and now feels uneasy with the fact that the target of his or her affection chose someone else (a friend) to date first.
Another issue is that there might be someone in the social circle that simply does not have the maturity to handle the idea that two of their friends got together, dated, maybe even had sex, and ended it and that such an involvement is not fodder to be regularly brought up, made fun of, or a challenge to address.
By challenge I mean that sometimes, friends within a social circle, whom usually have the best of intentions, will make a mission of getting the former casual couple back together, even if it is against that couple’s wishes. Herein is where the real issues are when dating someone openly at the beginning stages of relationship, within a social circle. There will be people within that same social circle that will feel an obligation to involve themselves in the couple’s personal affairs. This kind of interference is rarely a good way for any couple trying to start the beginning of a potential relationship.
If you are thinking of dating someone that is already entrenched in your social circle, then strongly consider keeping the details about your romantic interests to yourself. Do not share your interest with others in the same social circle. If you do manage to get the person you are interested in on a date, do not share those details with the other members of your social circle. When you see the person you are starting to date at a social circle event, do not act like you are dating. Act friendly, but do not hold hands, cuddle, kiss or openly talk about the dates you have had. It may even be necessary to arrive and leave the events separately to avoid suspicion. If you behave correctly, no one in the social circle should have any inclining that the two of you are dating in any capacity, including having seen each other naked. Keep in mind this is a little more difficult than people think.
When couples get comfortable with each other, it is only instinctual to let that comfort show in very subtle ways (like standing extra close to each other in public, whereas most people still maintain a certain private bubble even between friends. Part of keeping the initial dating phase quiet is fighting this instinct.
If after dating a few times, one or both of the people in the couple decide to stop the romantic nature of their involvement, and wish to remain friends with the social circle intact, it will be easier to stay a part of the social circle. Break ups can split a social circle as members of the circle may start to take sides and get too involved in the private troubles that broke the couple up. Not being too public about the attempt at a more serious relationship beyond friendship is what helps keep a social circle together.
On the other hand, if after dating a few times the couple decides they like each other enough to get more serious, then the couple may go public with their relationship and thus inform the social circle of the new relationship status.
One of the benefits of this maneuver is that the couple in the relationship will have already formed a foundation for their relationship, such that when members of the social circle try to exhort any influence (again, not necessarily out of malice, but possibly out of good intentions), the influence may end up halted by what the couple has already established as part of their relationship boundaries.
One of the consequences is that some members of the social circle might have a bruised ego or hurt feelings that they were not included in the “big secret”. If this is the case, ignore it. Those are the same people who lack maturity that would have made dating openly in a social circle a nightmare.
- Published on
Politics, Political Elections and Dating
Political Elections and Dating
By Frank Kermit
Elections — a time when choices are made, protests have audience, and friendships destroyed (we hope temporarily) over loyalties to political stances.
For some it is a time to face the realities of government policies that may affect the quality of your life (depending on the stage of life you are at) and for others it is a time to hide your head in the sand when the campaigns to make your vote count come knocking.
The one question that comes up in my practice during this period is what to do when you are dating someone that had different political views, or supports a different political party.
As always, the answer is, it depends.
Even the best of couples may disagree on topics that could be more important than not.
However, although common interests and aligned thinking are necessary for long term relationship success, that does not automatically mean that a couple must agree on everything. That type of picture-perfect partnering simply is neither realistic nor necessary.
The first question is what the nature of your relationship is to begin with. If you are involved casually or dating someone in a manner where you are enjoying mutual companionship, but the desire to have a future together is beyond the scope of the couple in question, then voting for different parties is a moot topic.
If you are at a stage of your life where you are past the point of seeking a life partner to have children with, and aren’t even looking for a live-in partner, then those relationship categories of non-committal casual couplings really do not require that the partners be on the same page at all when it comes to politics.
In those cases, these relationship categories simply take the dating dynamics for what it is; a valued togetherness that simply has limits when it comes to certain expectations and short-term commitments.
When it does matter is when a dating duo are seeking a serious long term alliance, whether it be a candidate for living together, having children or forming a blended family unit. In this case, the particular political parties may actually be irrelevant per se, and it is more about the compatible value systems of the couple.
Could an individual who wants limited amounts of government involvement in general day to day live have children with someone that pushes for more government policy at the cost of individual privacy? Can a person who values new independence build a future with someone that wants to maintain the status quo?
Well, given that people who are compatible and have similar backgrounds, can still struggle with commitment and end up divorced, it really comes down to the couple in question, and not how passionate they are about hot topic politics.
Also, given that the platforms of various political parties change over the years, or that politicians themselves switch parties (not necessarily personal beliefs), the best the aspiring couple can do is identify their own belief systems of good and bad and be able to communicate where they individually draw the line about what is right and wrong for themselves.
If and when such a self actualized human being finds a like minded romantic partner, then compatibility and chemistry can work together in an alliance to make love happen. Couples who make the extra effort to know themselves, and learn about each other on that deeper level always get my vote.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Elections — a time when choices are made, protests have audience, and friendships destroyed (we hope temporarily) over loyalties to political stances.
For some it is a time to face the realities of government policies that may affect the quality of your life (depending on the stage of life you are at) and for others it is a time to hide your head in the sand when the campaigns to make your vote count come knocking.
The one question that comes up in my practice during this period is what to do when you are dating someone that had different political views, or supports a different political party.
As always, the answer is, it depends.
Even the best of couples may disagree on topics that could be more important than not.
However, although common interests and aligned thinking are necessary for long term relationship success, that does not automatically mean that a couple must agree on everything. That type of picture-perfect partnering simply is neither realistic nor necessary.
The first question is what the nature of your relationship is to begin with. If you are involved casually or dating someone in a manner where you are enjoying mutual companionship, but the desire to have a future together is beyond the scope of the couple in question, then voting for different parties is a moot topic.
If you are at a stage of your life where you are past the point of seeking a life partner to have children with, and aren’t even looking for a live-in partner, then those relationship categories of non-committal casual couplings really do not require that the partners be on the same page at all when it comes to politics.
In those cases, these relationship categories simply take the dating dynamics for what it is; a valued togetherness that simply has limits when it comes to certain expectations and short-term commitments.
When it does matter is when a dating duo are seeking a serious long term alliance, whether it be a candidate for living together, having children or forming a blended family unit. In this case, the particular political parties may actually be irrelevant per se, and it is more about the compatible value systems of the couple.
Could an individual who wants limited amounts of government involvement in general day to day live have children with someone that pushes for more government policy at the cost of individual privacy? Can a person who values new independence build a future with someone that wants to maintain the status quo?
Well, given that people who are compatible and have similar backgrounds, can still struggle with commitment and end up divorced, it really comes down to the couple in question, and not how passionate they are about hot topic politics.
Also, given that the platforms of various political parties change over the years, or that politicians themselves switch parties (not necessarily personal beliefs), the best the aspiring couple can do is identify their own belief systems of good and bad and be able to communicate where they individually draw the line about what is right and wrong for themselves.
If and when such a self actualized human being finds a like minded romantic partner, then compatibility and chemistry can work together in an alliance to make love happen. Couples who make the extra effort to know themselves, and learn about each other on that deeper level always get my vote.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Understanding the emotional needs of men
Ally vs. Enemy:
Understanding The Emotional Needs of Men
By Frank Kermit
The best way I know how to teach people about the emotional needs of men is to break it down to absolute fundamentals. If people can understand those, then people can understand the emotional motivations behind the choices men make in who men choose to have sex with, date and make long term commitments too.
A woman can only play one of two roles in a man's life. She is either his ally or she is his enemy. She cannot be both. In every action a woman takes, and in everything a woman says, a man will judge her on an emotional level that he may not necessarily be conscious of in deciding if he should have her in his life, have sex with her and/or make a commitment to her. If a woman addresses a man's emotional needs he will feel that she is his ally, and potentially feel enough of a bonding trust to commit to her. When a woman violates the emotional needs of a man, he feels he might have her as an enemy in his life, but he may still continue to have sex with her pending how bad a violation of his other emotional needs, though he has already emotionally decided he will never commit to her.
One of the ways that the emotional needs of men and women differ is in the way men and women categorize each other. Women can only feel that she can play one of two roles in a man's life. She is either his mother or his lover. A conflict occurs when a woman feels like a man's mother (at which point she loses any sense of being attracted to him), and the man feels she is his ally because she acts like his mother (which does not negate his sexual desires and in fact, he may interpret her mothering him as a sign of her being romantically interested in him). The more I learn to understand couples and relationships, the more I really do experience moments when I am in awe that anyone ever gets together anymore when there are absolutely no outside factors involved like family pressure, cultural expectations or just needy desperation. Sigh.
One of the main differences between men and women is how their emotional needs relate to sex. For women, the act of sex can be an efficient means of addressing her particular and individual emotional needs profile. For men, sex IS an emotional need. Sex will not address a variety of a man's emotional needs; sex only address the one need: his emotional need for sex. This is a key reason why when men and women attempt to enter into "friends-with-benefits" types of relationships, it is usually the woman who will start to develop more feelings of attachment than men. During continual sexual activity, women are having multiple emotional needs met during their sexual session, and that triggers feelings of deeper attraction and loving attachment. Men get the sex, and the emotional balance that men experience from sexual intercourse, but do not necessarily get any of their other emotional needs met during sex, depending on the context of their sexual activity.
Most men will have certain emotional needs in common such as his need to have his reputation protected, his need for recharge time, his need for femininity, his masculine-identity, and finding a woman he can trust as his secret keeper who will put their relationship ahead of all other people. However each man has an individual emotional needs profile that defines which emotional needs are more important and less important to him. The key to gain his commitment will be found in assessing his emotional needs, and being able to address his most important ones to the degree he emotionally responds too.
Frank Kermit
Understanding The Emotional Needs of Men
By Frank Kermit
The best way I know how to teach people about the emotional needs of men is to break it down to absolute fundamentals. If people can understand those, then people can understand the emotional motivations behind the choices men make in who men choose to have sex with, date and make long term commitments too.
A woman can only play one of two roles in a man's life. She is either his ally or she is his enemy. She cannot be both. In every action a woman takes, and in everything a woman says, a man will judge her on an emotional level that he may not necessarily be conscious of in deciding if he should have her in his life, have sex with her and/or make a commitment to her. If a woman addresses a man's emotional needs he will feel that she is his ally, and potentially feel enough of a bonding trust to commit to her. When a woman violates the emotional needs of a man, he feels he might have her as an enemy in his life, but he may still continue to have sex with her pending how bad a violation of his other emotional needs, though he has already emotionally decided he will never commit to her.
One of the ways that the emotional needs of men and women differ is in the way men and women categorize each other. Women can only feel that she can play one of two roles in a man's life. She is either his mother or his lover. A conflict occurs when a woman feels like a man's mother (at which point she loses any sense of being attracted to him), and the man feels she is his ally because she acts like his mother (which does not negate his sexual desires and in fact, he may interpret her mothering him as a sign of her being romantically interested in him). The more I learn to understand couples and relationships, the more I really do experience moments when I am in awe that anyone ever gets together anymore when there are absolutely no outside factors involved like family pressure, cultural expectations or just needy desperation. Sigh.
One of the main differences between men and women is how their emotional needs relate to sex. For women, the act of sex can be an efficient means of addressing her particular and individual emotional needs profile. For men, sex IS an emotional need. Sex will not address a variety of a man's emotional needs; sex only address the one need: his emotional need for sex. This is a key reason why when men and women attempt to enter into "friends-with-benefits" types of relationships, it is usually the woman who will start to develop more feelings of attachment than men. During continual sexual activity, women are having multiple emotional needs met during their sexual session, and that triggers feelings of deeper attraction and loving attachment. Men get the sex, and the emotional balance that men experience from sexual intercourse, but do not necessarily get any of their other emotional needs met during sex, depending on the context of their sexual activity.
Most men will have certain emotional needs in common such as his need to have his reputation protected, his need for recharge time, his need for femininity, his masculine-identity, and finding a woman he can trust as his secret keeper who will put their relationship ahead of all other people. However each man has an individual emotional needs profile that defines which emotional needs are more important and less important to him. The key to gain his commitment will be found in assessing his emotional needs, and being able to address his most important ones to the degree he emotionally responds too.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
The Masks You Wear When Dating
What Love Masks
By Frank Kermit
A mentor of mine taught me that love is not blind; it is just that categories are rigid. When you meet someone, you put that person in a category (lover, friend, temptation, fling, does-not-count, creepy, unattainable, out-of-my-league, good-enough-for-now, spouse, soul-mate) because of how that person addresses (or violates) your emotional needs based on your first impressions; and if it turns out that the person actually belongs in a different category, it is more challenging to drop that first impression category.
For example, you meet someone, then get wrapped up in the honeymoon phase of the dating experience, you may categorizes that person as the perfect soul-mate, only to find out the harsh reality three months later that the person and you simply have incompatible core values. You and that person should never had more than just an intense private fling. But, -love is blind- so it is likely very challenging to give up on that person who is actually best left as at temporary adventure (fling), despite intellectually knowing better, because of the category they have already been put in (soul-mate).
When on a first date with someone, it is generally expected that we are going to be our best self, and not just be yourself. Your best self is a Mask. You are not going to act like your every day self. First dates are a time to put out your best character traits forward. As deceitful as it sounds, it is actually very ethical. You go on that initial outing together to get a feel of what kind of person you are meeting, and for that person to get a feel for you. If you do not put your best self forward on a first date, you are likely killing your chances of getting the beginnings of your relationship off the ground to reach the second date. Using the Mask of your Best Self is no more deceitful than being at your best when going to a job interview.
Wearing a Mask in relationships is only unethical, when you LIE to the other person and attempt to pass a false representation of yourself in order to get sex, a relationship, or basically just to get someone to even like you as a friend. Situation comedy productions (TV, movies, and theatre) love to play out this plotline of someone trying to use a Mask of deceit in order to get someone to date them, and usually all have an ending where the truth is learned and the Masked-User is punished, left abandoned and with nothing. The same principle applies when meeting someone new in real life. If you used a lie to get with a person, and assuming the interaction goes on beyond the point of a traveling one night stand, that same lie has the power to tear down everything you have since built up with your partner.
We all wear masks. It is not a question of should we, or should we not, wear a Mask when dating. The issue is always the context. How we act at a funeral, is very different from the way we act at a wedding. Each face we exhibit is a Mask.
That is not being lying or deceitful...it is about CALIBRATION to the circumstances and environment around you. Whenever you lie, you are hiding behind a Mask, and likely that same Mask will be your undoing. The best way to use your Mask is for the Mask to be a reflection of those parts of your personality that you want to display.
On a lighter note, I fondly remember a scene from a Peanut Cartoon entitled, "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown". A number of the characters were together getting dressed to go out trick-or-treating for Halloween.
The aggressive character Lucy Van Pelt known as the mean, crabby old sister exclaimed, "A person should always choose a costume which is in direct contrast to her own personality" just as she put on a witches costume. The joke of course is that she did not see herself as a witch, when in all other respects; she was depicted as a mean witch in the show.
However funny or inappropriate the joke may be in today's climate, it does shed light on the idea that most peoples first assumptions with Masks, is that Masks are trying to hide a persons true intentions and that the Mask being presented is not an indication of the person behind it.
The further irony of the above example is that in the majority of cases, real witches (not the kind that appear in popular media, but the kind of women and men who take part in a variety of healing arts and religious practices) happen to actually be some of the most pleasant people sometimes.
Even mean Lucy reveals at the end of the show, how much she actually does care for her younger brother who defied her the entire episode. She wakes up at 4 a.m., concerned that he is not in his bedroom, and fetches him from the cold pumpkin patch where he is shivering and half asleep. She does not scold him. She just brings him home and tucks him into a warm bed.
Sometimes, we wear Masks, not to deceive people, but to feel safe and protected, to hide away our insecurities, our fears, and to prevent us from feeling too vulnerable.
It is OK to want to feel safe. It is normal and human of us. For the purposes of finding love and connecting with others, the key is not about doing away with Masks.
The key is about being just guarded enough that we protect ourselves, while at the same time test the people around us, so that we can share ourselves slowly as the other people earn enough of our trust for us to feel safe in being with them Mask free.
I wish you all bountiful loot bags, and may you never have to say that all you got was a rock.
Happy Halloween!
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Seductive Halloween Costumes
Seductive Halloween Costumes
By Frank Kermit
I have always loved Halloween. It is likely one of my most favorite days of the year, except for the fact that I do not like being scared, scaring others, nor the celebration of gore and villains that some Halloween celebrations have turned it into. The part that I love about Halloween is the dress up part. I have always seen it as an opportunity to try on a new persona.
Whether it was to bring out and possibly exaggerate a hidden part of you that has always existed, or the freedom to try out a persona completely outside your own self, I have always adored Halloween as a means of self-exploration. It is one of the few times people feel safe to do so in public because under the Halloween banner, it is more socially acceptable.
Halloween costumes can be anything you want. However, when it comes to dating and relationship coaching, even Halloween costumes can have more intent and meaning attached.
For example, if you are going to a Halloween costume party, your choice of costume can very well influence your ability to attract a single person to you, or make a statement about you already being in a relationship.
If you are in a newly formed relationship and are ready to make a more public statement about it to your existing social circles, the right pair of costumes may suit you well.
For example, if you are in a relationship, you and your partner may want to wear complimentary costumes, so that the message of “we-come-together” is better stated. Couples themed costumes help send the message that you are there to have fun with your partner, but there is no mistaking that the two of you came together, and will leave together.
For example, Couples who wear Peanut Butter and Jelly costumes respectively, Partners in Crime Jail Bird Costumes, even a bride and groom costume (get imaginative with the marriage theme). All of them serve to point out that you are one of a pair that come-and-go together. These categories also include going in costume as well known twosomes such as Fred and Wilma Flintstone, Star Trek’s Riker and Troi, and even Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb.
If you are single, the best advice I can offer about your choice of costume is to pick something that will meet two criteria.
The first is to pick a costume that has a story to it. Nothing more seductive than the ability to tell a story about a peak life experience of yours, or being able to share a part of yourself that is brought up in conversation through your costume. If you were hoping you would get the chance to talk about your last skydiving jump, or scaling a dangerous cliff, then costumes of skydivers and rock climbers are just the ticket. If you were hoping to let a potential partner know how much you believe in magical love connections, maybe a costume of a wizard may be in order to help you cast your spell of attraction.
These also include costumes of romantic figures such as Zorro, various superheroes, and professions of doctors, nurses, police officers, fire fighters and other fantasy fueling costumes. If there is any sort of stereotypical fantasy role-playing involved, these costumes may bring you some attention that you can capitalize on to meet other singles seeking the same.
The second is to pick a costume that allows for more intimate interactions, just in case you do happen to meet someone you really like and want to get closer to that night. To put it more bluntly, if you are single and seeking to select the right costume, pick something that you could easily initiate and take part in a make-out session. If you have to remove your mask just to be able to kiss, it is not a seductive costume.
Frank Kermit
