- Published on
Ex-Lovers and Wedding Guest List
by Frank Kermit, Updated on March 2, 2018
During my couples coaching sessions,
one of the topics of discussion that tends to come up
is the wedding list of guests.
One of the questions I ask is:
Have either one of you had an intimate relationship with any guests,
that your partner (the one who is marrying you)
does not know about?
I think the majority of couples would be surprised by just
how often it turns out that some of the wedding guests
turn out to be secret past lovers of either member of the couple
getting married, that the other partner did not know.
What turns out to be worse, is when that secret lover,
actually made it to the actual wedding party
(either a bridesmaid, or an usher/groomsman)
Sometimes, having someone who has a sexual past
with a wedding partner attend your wedding as a guest
can be taken as an insult to the other wedding partner.
Usually, the invitation of a past lover
to a wedding can be handled,
but it is the secretive nature of the information
that causes the bigger issue.
The other partner starts to wonder
what other information has not been volunteered
that will continued to be "hidden" until the correct
direction question is asked.
That is no way to start a wedding guest list.
As a general rule, ex-lovers and weddings do not mix.
And in the event one of your secret ex-lovers
has been invited to your wedding
make sure you TELL YOUR PARTNER
The worst thing that can happen,
is that the information is reveal
at the wedding, when everyone is celebrating
and secrets come out unintentionally.
It is a time people become emotionally,
and sometimes intoxicated,
which always spells trouble for secret-keeping.
I have seen this happen from direct experience
and those of my client base.
Plan for your wedding to be spectacular, not a spectacle.
If you are a couple that wants to get more serious but are worried you will end up divorced, or an individual trying to figure out if you have found the right person, consider signing up for my 12-hour pre-marriage coaching program.
by Frank Kermit, Updated on March 2, 2018
During my couples coaching sessions,
one of the topics of discussion that tends to come up
is the wedding list of guests.
One of the questions I ask is:
Have either one of you had an intimate relationship with any guests,
that your partner (the one who is marrying you)
does not know about?
I think the majority of couples would be surprised by just
how often it turns out that some of the wedding guests
turn out to be secret past lovers of either member of the couple
getting married, that the other partner did not know.
What turns out to be worse, is when that secret lover,
actually made it to the actual wedding party
(either a bridesmaid, or an usher/groomsman)
Sometimes, having someone who has a sexual past
with a wedding partner attend your wedding as a guest
can be taken as an insult to the other wedding partner.
Usually, the invitation of a past lover
to a wedding can be handled,
but it is the secretive nature of the information
that causes the bigger issue.
The other partner starts to wonder
what other information has not been volunteered
that will continued to be "hidden" until the correct
direction question is asked.
That is no way to start a wedding guest list.
As a general rule, ex-lovers and weddings do not mix.
And in the event one of your secret ex-lovers
has been invited to your wedding
make sure you TELL YOUR PARTNER
The worst thing that can happen,
is that the information is reveal
at the wedding, when everyone is celebrating
and secrets come out unintentionally.
It is a time people become emotionally,
and sometimes intoxicated,
which always spells trouble for secret-keeping.
I have seen this happen from direct experience
and those of my client base.
Plan for your wedding to be spectacular, not a spectacle.
If you are a couple that wants to get more serious but are worried you will end up divorced, or an individual trying to figure out if you have found the right person, consider signing up for my 12-hour pre-marriage coaching program.
- Published on
Relationship Ultimatums
Ultimatums In Love
By Frank Kermit
Ultimatums can come up in any and all relationships. Even the best relationships can face a crisis point where an ultimatum is necessary and uttered.
Ultimatums are not pleasant, neither for the person issuing it, nor for the person on the receiving end of it.
However, if a relationship can get past the ultimatum, and resolve the crisis point, it can be one of the hurdles that will help the relationship survive into the future.
An ultimatum is NOT a sign that you are with the wrong partner.
If you find yourself in a position where you feel the need to issue an ultimatum to your partner, it tends to be a sign that you have not communicated your needs and boundaries directly enough.
This is especially the case when the resentment or the desire to make the ultimatum has been brewing for quite some time.
I often find in my practice that those people who fall into the category of "people pleasers" tend to shy away from conflict and then, after the frustration builds up, will explode with anger and ultimatums, in part because, the build up became so overwhelming it was too painful not to deal with their fear of conflict.
If these individuals would have communicated with their partners as the issues came up, instead of shying away from discussing topics that may be momentarily unpleasant, the entire blow up process may have never come to pass.
Some of the more common ultimatums that I see in my practice are with couples that are either struggling to move to the next level of commitment (becoming exclusive, start living together, getting engaged, setting the wedding date, having children) or those couples that are facing some kind of perceived threat (staying in touch with an ex who will not give up trying to rekindle).
However, an ultimatum can be about anything that one partner seriously requires a change with that without complying with said ultimatum, might bring about the desire to end the relationship.
Some couples want a partner to take better care of health issues (like quitting drugs) and others demand a change in lifestyle, and even a move to a completely different home.
The ultimatum itself is actually less important than the way it is communicated.
If you are going to issue an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, be direct, be clear and firm about what you need changed and why it is very important to you.
No screaming, no name calling, no personal attacks.
Start off by telling your partner that you want to set aside some time to talk about something important to you and to schedule it when you feel your partner would be most receptive (such as a Saturday night after a day of rest, instead of a Monday morning just before a big presentation at work).
If you are on the receiving end of an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, listen, ask questions to be sure you are clear about what your partner needs and why it is important, listen some more, and leave your ego at the door as much as you can.
Even if your partner is not saying it in a way that you are happy about, try to put your compassion for your partner ahead of your offended ego.
When your partner is communicating an ultimatum to you, your partner is in fact acting like your best friend.
Your partner is giving you a full chance to take control of a situation by bringing his or her discontentment to your attention.
This is actually much better than a partner deciding not to confront you, and potentially doing something behind your back out of emotional vengeance, or simply surprising you with a break up, without ever giving your relationship a chance.
That is why you have to be grateful for the ultimatum, even if you despise what you may be hearing.
Now, what if you and your partner have reached an impasse?
What if the ultimatum is about something that you either are not sure is a good idea to agree too, or if it is something that is completely against your value system.
For example, your partner cannot abide any longer having your aging and ill health parent live in the same house as your family, but you do not want to relocate your parent to a special care senior’s residence.
What do you do then, when your values have reached a crisis point of incompatibility?
In situations like this, it is often a good idea to seek out the help of a professional who can offer an objective point of view and can assess if anyone is being unreasonable.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Ultimatums can come up in any and all relationships. Even the best relationships can face a crisis point where an ultimatum is necessary and uttered.
Ultimatums are not pleasant, neither for the person issuing it, nor for the person on the receiving end of it.
However, if a relationship can get past the ultimatum, and resolve the crisis point, it can be one of the hurdles that will help the relationship survive into the future.
An ultimatum is NOT a sign that you are with the wrong partner.
If you find yourself in a position where you feel the need to issue an ultimatum to your partner, it tends to be a sign that you have not communicated your needs and boundaries directly enough.
This is especially the case when the resentment or the desire to make the ultimatum has been brewing for quite some time.
I often find in my practice that those people who fall into the category of "people pleasers" tend to shy away from conflict and then, after the frustration builds up, will explode with anger and ultimatums, in part because, the build up became so overwhelming it was too painful not to deal with their fear of conflict.
If these individuals would have communicated with their partners as the issues came up, instead of shying away from discussing topics that may be momentarily unpleasant, the entire blow up process may have never come to pass.
Some of the more common ultimatums that I see in my practice are with couples that are either struggling to move to the next level of commitment (becoming exclusive, start living together, getting engaged, setting the wedding date, having children) or those couples that are facing some kind of perceived threat (staying in touch with an ex who will not give up trying to rekindle).
However, an ultimatum can be about anything that one partner seriously requires a change with that without complying with said ultimatum, might bring about the desire to end the relationship.
Some couples want a partner to take better care of health issues (like quitting drugs) and others demand a change in lifestyle, and even a move to a completely different home.
The ultimatum itself is actually less important than the way it is communicated.
If you are going to issue an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, be direct, be clear and firm about what you need changed and why it is very important to you.
No screaming, no name calling, no personal attacks.
Start off by telling your partner that you want to set aside some time to talk about something important to you and to schedule it when you feel your partner would be most receptive (such as a Saturday night after a day of rest, instead of a Monday morning just before a big presentation at work).
If you are on the receiving end of an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, listen, ask questions to be sure you are clear about what your partner needs and why it is important, listen some more, and leave your ego at the door as much as you can.
Even if your partner is not saying it in a way that you are happy about, try to put your compassion for your partner ahead of your offended ego.
When your partner is communicating an ultimatum to you, your partner is in fact acting like your best friend.
Your partner is giving you a full chance to take control of a situation by bringing his or her discontentment to your attention.
This is actually much better than a partner deciding not to confront you, and potentially doing something behind your back out of emotional vengeance, or simply surprising you with a break up, without ever giving your relationship a chance.
That is why you have to be grateful for the ultimatum, even if you despise what you may be hearing.
Now, what if you and your partner have reached an impasse?
What if the ultimatum is about something that you either are not sure is a good idea to agree too, or if it is something that is completely against your value system.
For example, your partner cannot abide any longer having your aging and ill health parent live in the same house as your family, but you do not want to relocate your parent to a special care senior’s residence.
What do you do then, when your values have reached a crisis point of incompatibility?
In situations like this, it is often a good idea to seek out the help of a professional who can offer an objective point of view and can assess if anyone is being unreasonable.
Frank Kermit
Sign up for COACHING, and get a Frank Perspective.
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ultimatum resolution
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- Published on
Prior Commitment vs Commitment to Children
Prior Commitments vs.
Commitment To Children
By Frank Kermit
Having children is likely one of the biggest life changing events human beings can experience.
It is more than just adopting a new title of parent. It is a change in a mindset. A new filter has been added which every decision you will ever make from this point forward will be challenged with.
The filter is to ask the question:
Is this in the best interest of my kid/s?
In some cases the answer is very straightforward.
In other cases, the answer may be dependent on things such as the likelihood that whatever being discussed works out, and the risks involved if it does not.
Child-free folks only risk their own well being, and if something goes wrong, tend to be ready to accept those risks and work to bounce back. Security can become very important to new parents who previously may have been a little reckless in the past, because it is one thing to takes risks where a person suffers the consequences as adults, and they are the only ones to suffer.
It is quite another situation when the people to suffer the consequences of your bad decisions are young children that are completely dependent on you for mere survival.
Is it better to work more hours and spend less time at home, but to have financial resources available to the family? It depends on the context of if it would be in the best interest of your kids.
Is it better to live in a small apartment in the city with direct access to amenities, schools, hospitals or aim to live in a larger home in the country with an acre of yard space, but commute longer for school and work? Again, it all depends on the context of if it would be in the best interest of your kids.
As parents, sometimes the most we can do is to do our best to give our kids what we believe would give them a strong start in life, and if it does not work out, deal with it as the situation merits.
Did you make a commitment to a pet before you had a child? Well you may have to reconsider keeping it if the pet is a danger to the health of your child.
It could be that your child ends up being allergic to your pet. In some cases the pet is not accepting of the new child, and there are cases of pets attacking new children.
Did you make career promises to your employer to take on a project or new branch of the business before you had a child? You may find that you are unable to stay on with that commitment because your priorities have changed due to having children.
In my professional life as well as in my personal social circles, I even see men who did not even know they were fathers suddenly find out they have children somewhere in the world that were kept hidden from them. After a DNA test confirms they do in fact have children in the world, life changes.
Any plans they made previously had to be reviewed and likely altered to accommodate these children who, without warning, became a top priority.
So any plans to travel, retraining for new career, invest or even current relationship partners and family planning goals can all become secondary, delayed or even shelved permanently.
Bottom line is that the kids come first.
For some people, there can be a lot of internal conflict about what is the right thing to do because on the one hand, they want to be individuals of their word and stick with the previously made commitments.
On the other hand, they have an obligation to their children (even during pregnancy), which seems to be at odds with their self-identity of a person that maintains commitment.
For the record, when such an ordeal enters my office, the stand I take in my practice is always that the kids come first. It can at times be considered an unpopular or old fashion ideal to some, but that does not deter me.
I would rather encourage parents to put the best interests of their children first than to encourage parents to focus on themselves. I do not want children to run the risk of being neglected, targets for abusers and ultimately therapy patients in the future.
There is a cost to making your kids your main focus while those kids are growing up.
However, I ask that you trust me when I tell you; there is an even higher cost for you in the future (once those kids are grown with kids of their own) if you do not.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
10 Signs of Avoiding Commitment
Ten Signs Of Avoiding Commitment
By Frank Kermit
There are signs that the person you are dating has no real intention of ever committing to you, even if you are being led on with the person saying that one day in the future they will commit. In many of those cases, your partner is sticking around for reasons that have nothing to do with a desire to be with you for good.
Those reasons tend to be all about sticking around because you are good-for-now. Sometimes a partner stays with you until someone they like more comes along. Sometimes, your partner is not in a financial situation that allows him or her to leave comfortably, so your partner continues to be with you, for now.
Sometimes the reason a person stays is as simple as you continue to have sex, and it is easier to get sex from you, than it is to seek out a new sexual partner. Whatever the reason, you are being mislead to think there is a possible future together, when in fact, your partner already knows, that what you have together is a time-limited affair.
Here are some signs that your partner has no intention of ever committing.
1-Refusing to set any dates or deadlines (for a wedding, birth of a planned child, engagement date). Any lacks of deadlines are signs of lack of seriousness
2-Displays a fear of being alone, or mentions never being able to find a better partner. Low self-esteem can keep a person from leaving temporarily, BUT that same LSE also stops them from moving to the next level.
3-Massive fear of divorce. If this conversation comes up all too often, your partner is trying to tell you, without directly telling you, that the idea of serious commitment is not an option.
4-When every discussion about getting serious turns into having sex. This is a distraction ploy where sex is used to reassure a person that he or she is wanted, and helps avoid any talk in the moment about future commitment.
5-Wanting to wait to save up a certain financial amount to be spent on the wedding. The key here is that the person is not actively saving said amount. If they are not saving for the wedding, they are not planning to have one.
6-When your partner constantly tries to push your boundaries on things that you are not interested in doing. A partner that cannot accept you as-is, is a partner that is not planning a future with you.
7-Your partner puts family, friends and hobbies, ahead of very meaningful moments in your life. If your partner would rather hang out with friends instead of celebrating an important moment in your life, that is a major red flag.
8-Your partner limits your contact with their family, and extended family. This one is tricky, because some manipulators do involve their short-term romances with their families, so be alert to the other signs as well.
9-Your partner shows no interest in getting a life plan in order, which shows no motivation or urgency to plan a future with you. People without a life plan, are less likely to be able to stick to any commitment they make, so it is easier just not to make any commitment to keep options open.
10-Your partner insists on multiple versions of birth control to make sure that nothing -bad- happens up to and including not having sex anymore. Yes, a person will stop having sex with you, but still claim to want to be in a relationship with you. Normally, it usually turns out the other person has already starting to see someone new, and is hoping that you will be the mean one and break up with them, to allow them to play the victim publicly.
One of the worst things that can happen when you are seeking a serious commitment is to have your precious time wasted. The easiest way to avoid these situations, is to have your boundaries and rules in place, and when you see that your partner is not living up to the boundaries you set, then please do assume the role of the -mean one- and end it, and put your time towards someone that does want to commit to you.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Human Conflicts Are Rarely Cut and Dry
Say It, or Say Nothing at All?
By Frank Kermit
Dear Readers, this question came to me through social media and I thought it was a great discussion to share with you all. The question dealt with the topic of a man (let's call him Michael) who was debating whether or not he should confront a friend of his (let's call him Steve) for saying something that was hurtful.
Michael was having a problem with forgetting something that Steve said to him. Michael was making the effort to let it go and just let it be, but it still kept coming up for him. Michael was wondering if he should approach Steve about the subject, and concerned that it may escalate a conflict between the two. While at the same time Michael was not sure if he could ever just let it go.
When I work with singles and couples, the first tenet of communication in this kind of situation is to clear the air and have the discussion. There are a few notable exceptions such as if you are not able to express yourself calmly, or if you are talking to someone who is toxic and beyond a reasonable discussion.
However barring any extreme situation, it generally stands that if the relationship cannot withstand this sort of discussion, then it begs to question the value of the relationship to begin with.
With that said, for Michael's very specific situation, the answer is rarely cut and dry as there are too many variables that have not been presented. Yes, Michael is upset about something that was said, but it is the context of what was said that will shed some light about the best means to deal with it.
Without understanding the context (the surrounding factors) behind what was said, it is unlikely that any advice will be calibrated. What Michael should do really depends on what was said and the context it was said in.
For example, was it something that violated Michael's boundaries? If so, then Michael should bring it up before it happens again. Otherwise it is possible that Michael will harbor resentment towards Steve, and when resentment grows unchallenged your relationship with that person may be lost anyways.
Was Michael told something that was accurate and needed to take responsibility for even though Michael did not like hearing it? In this case, Michael may in fact need to thank Steve for saying it to him. It is possible that other people were thinking the same thing, but did not have the courage nor cared enough about Michael to bring it to his attention.
For example, was something said to Michael because Michael initially said or did something to hurt Steve, and Steve's backlash was his way of calling Michael out? If that was the context, it could be possible that what is actually bothering Michael is his own conscious due and having to acknowledge his own mistakes.
Human interactions and communications are rarely cut and dry. Most people do not say hurtful things for the sake of being hurtful. Some do...they are the bullies and emotional abusers in the world.
However, when it comes to relationships, keep in mind that if a friend said something to you that hurt you, look at the context to see if there was something in your participation that prompted the remark before you assign total fault to the other party.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
You Cursed or Making Bad Choices
Cursed or Bad Choices
by Frank Kermit
Sometimes I have clients who ask me if I think they may be cursed.
Bad incident, after bad incident, after bad incident can make a person feel that life is against him or her. I do want to state that some people just have rotten luck, and bad luck can play a factor in a person’s life once in a while.
However, if you ever wonder why all the bad things seem to always happen to you, then perhaps you need to consider taking some accountability for the choices you made along the way that brought you to this moment.
You are where you are because of a series of choices you made.
Financially broke?
You made choices to end up there.
Heartbroken?
You made choices to end up there.
Unhealthy?
You made choices that end up there.
For the record, I am guilty of this as well. I am not pointing fingers. I have made a lot of bad choices in my life that got me to where I am, and I am by no means perfect.
We ALL make some bad choices.
The key is to see if we can learn from the bad choices we made, by first identifying those choices and then making better choices.
Many years ago I got my heart stomped on over and over.
I made choices to give people a chance when there were signs that I should not have. I made choices to ignore the warning signs. I made choices to assume facts, instead of finding out the true facts.
I made choices to act on my feelings in the moment and accept poor behaviour of others because it hurt too much to pick myself up and move on.
Then one day, I made the choice of saying, “Never Again!”
And from that moment on, I started to make different choices.
Some were still the wrong choice.
Other choices were good choices, but not great choices, until I learned through life experience how to make the best choices for myself.
I could not be sure I was on the best path, but at least I made it a point to never again re-make the original choices that put me into the situation I ended up in.
To read all about the choices and changes I made, grab a copy of my autobiography From Loser To Seducer
Redemption is when you can trust yourself not to make the same mistakes again. At that moment of redemption, self-forgiveness is automatic and inner peace is the result.
So the next time you are asking yourself why bad things keep happening to you, please consider that you might not be cursed, but you do need to re-evaluate the choices you are making (or not making) to put you in a better place.
Frank Kermit
by Frank Kermit
Sometimes I have clients who ask me if I think they may be cursed.
Bad incident, after bad incident, after bad incident can make a person feel that life is against him or her. I do want to state that some people just have rotten luck, and bad luck can play a factor in a person’s life once in a while.
However, if you ever wonder why all the bad things seem to always happen to you, then perhaps you need to consider taking some accountability for the choices you made along the way that brought you to this moment.
You are where you are because of a series of choices you made.
Financially broke?
You made choices to end up there.
Heartbroken?
You made choices to end up there.
Unhealthy?
You made choices that end up there.
For the record, I am guilty of this as well. I am not pointing fingers. I have made a lot of bad choices in my life that got me to where I am, and I am by no means perfect.
We ALL make some bad choices.
The key is to see if we can learn from the bad choices we made, by first identifying those choices and then making better choices.
Many years ago I got my heart stomped on over and over.
I made choices to give people a chance when there were signs that I should not have. I made choices to ignore the warning signs. I made choices to assume facts, instead of finding out the true facts.
I made choices to act on my feelings in the moment and accept poor behaviour of others because it hurt too much to pick myself up and move on.
Then one day, I made the choice of saying, “Never Again!”
And from that moment on, I started to make different choices.
Some were still the wrong choice.
Other choices were good choices, but not great choices, until I learned through life experience how to make the best choices for myself.
I could not be sure I was on the best path, but at least I made it a point to never again re-make the original choices that put me into the situation I ended up in.
To read all about the choices and changes I made, grab a copy of my autobiography From Loser To Seducer
Redemption is when you can trust yourself not to make the same mistakes again. At that moment of redemption, self-forgiveness is automatic and inner peace is the result.
So the next time you are asking yourself why bad things keep happening to you, please consider that you might not be cursed, but you do need to re-evaluate the choices you are making (or not making) to put you in a better place.
Frank Kermit
No More Bad Choices
If you are tired of making bad choices in life, now is the time to get The Art of Calibration From Creepy To Charisma
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Are you cursed, or just making bad choices?
