- Published on
The Pregnancy Test Scam - But is it Real?
By Frank Kermit
There is a disturbing trend that seems to be happening that involves pregnant women supplementing their income by selling positive pregnancy tests online to women who want to use the pregnancy testing device with a positive marking to possibly con their boyfriends or male lovers into proposing marriage. At least that is what the ads claim could happen.
An ad on Craigslist claims that the expectant mother, "is selling used testing sticks for $25 each, saying she's been asked so many times, she had decided to start charging." In my own search I also found one on ebay with a listing description of: "Clear & simple brand positive pregnancy test. Done on day of postage. Good for a prank."
Is this what it has really come too? Unable to empower herself into a committed relationship, and despite having the full freedom of choice to move on and find a new partner when the one she is with refuses to step up and take their relationship to the next level, that there are women who would rather stay with a man that continually rejects her such that she has to attempt to scam him into getting serious?
I wonder at what point will the women, who are successful in getting a proposal with this ruse, turn around and realize they will have to keep the lie going? For example, to what lengths will she go to fake a miscarriage? Will she then try extra hard to get pregnant for real right after the proposal and fake being overdue the 40 week gestational period (assuming she gets pregnant at all)? Is this even something seriously considered by some women? If not, then what is the market that has such a high demand for these positive pregnancy tests (besides an entire audience that wants to prank their loved ones)?
Mind you, when I see the number of women in my practice who waste years of their lives, as time runs out on their biological clocks, waiting for their male lovers and boyfriends to "change his mind", I have to believe it is more likely than not. At least these women are not "accidentally" forgetting to take their birth control pills as a means to get what they want (a pregnancy their male partners did not consent too).
To the ladies that are actually buying the positive pregnancy tests as a means to trick your male sex partners into a proposal; if nothing else, consider this: When your boyfriend or male lover is not as interested in committing to you the way you would want him to commit, the best choice is to stop seeing him and find a man that wants to be with you. Trying to change the man you are with, or worse, having to scam him into that kind of commitment, will land you alone. If the truth of what you did coming out does not bring about your abandonment, then surely the repeating behavior pattern that this scam reflects will be your downfall.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
There is a disturbing trend that seems to be happening that involves pregnant women supplementing their income by selling positive pregnancy tests online to women who want to use the pregnancy testing device with a positive marking to possibly con their boyfriends or male lovers into proposing marriage. At least that is what the ads claim could happen.
An ad on Craigslist claims that the expectant mother, "is selling used testing sticks for $25 each, saying she's been asked so many times, she had decided to start charging." In my own search I also found one on ebay with a listing description of: "Clear & simple brand positive pregnancy test. Done on day of postage. Good for a prank."
Is this what it has really come too? Unable to empower herself into a committed relationship, and despite having the full freedom of choice to move on and find a new partner when the one she is with refuses to step up and take their relationship to the next level, that there are women who would rather stay with a man that continually rejects her such that she has to attempt to scam him into getting serious?
I wonder at what point will the women, who are successful in getting a proposal with this ruse, turn around and realize they will have to keep the lie going? For example, to what lengths will she go to fake a miscarriage? Will she then try extra hard to get pregnant for real right after the proposal and fake being overdue the 40 week gestational period (assuming she gets pregnant at all)? Is this even something seriously considered by some women? If not, then what is the market that has such a high demand for these positive pregnancy tests (besides an entire audience that wants to prank their loved ones)?
Mind you, when I see the number of women in my practice who waste years of their lives, as time runs out on their biological clocks, waiting for their male lovers and boyfriends to "change his mind", I have to believe it is more likely than not. At least these women are not "accidentally" forgetting to take their birth control pills as a means to get what they want (a pregnancy their male partners did not consent too).
To the ladies that are actually buying the positive pregnancy tests as a means to trick your male sex partners into a proposal; if nothing else, consider this: When your boyfriend or male lover is not as interested in committing to you the way you would want him to commit, the best choice is to stop seeing him and find a man that wants to be with you. Trying to change the man you are with, or worse, having to scam him into that kind of commitment, will land you alone. If the truth of what you did coming out does not bring about your abandonment, then surely the repeating behavior pattern that this scam reflects will be your downfall.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
A Frank Comment on
Miley Cyrus VMA 2013 Performance
By Frank Kermit
I do not normally comment on the antics of popular culture, as so much of what we see of movies and TV are fiction based romances and relationships. I tried my best to stay focused on relationships in the real world and write about what realistically works and what does not.
Intrigued by the kafuffle of the Miley Cyrus performance at the 2013 Video Music Awards where Cyrus performed a sexually charged number with Robin Thicke I also had to comment. Cyrus who is now 20 years old was a child actress who performed the character of Hannah Montana from 2006 to 2011 on American TV, and part of a very strong brand of childrens entertainment under Disney.
Part of the controversy is that Disney strongly pushed the Hannah Montana franchise and branded the image of "Good Girl" Hannah so much that audiences associated those characteristics to actress Miley Cyrus. Even the good people at the Parent's Television Council were angered by Cyrus's more adult performance.
Folks, please, it is time for a Frank Reality Check. Miley Cyrus is an ACTRESS/PERFORMER who played the part of Hannah Montana. Her time in that role is over, and as an adult, she gets to decide what role her career can/must take to keep her making a living. Just like any of you will take on roles and jobs that other people may not like, when you get fired or laid off, but need to keep going. She is not a teenager anymore working for Disney. She is a grown woman that wants to take her career where she wants it to go.
It is time to respect that, whether you like it or not; she does not have to placate to the wishes of what everybody else wants her to be.
Cyrus is no different from her peers in terms of what she needs to do to get noticed in the music business. Keep in mind that Elvis Presley, who is TAME by today's standards was considered too dangerous to be on TV because of the way he shook his hips when he performed. "Elvis the Pelvis" did what he had to do to stand out to get attention in the music industry. Maybe it is not so original, but for some reason it works. It got everyone talking about it. That was the point. I find it almost funny how the people that complained the most were the ones that did not simply click off the remote when it happened.
Some people think that artists should not need excessive gimmicks and such to get attention and should expect that talent speak for itself. In both entertainment and dating, that simply does not work. There are plenty of talented people out there that never become stars, just like there are plenty of really good people that never find love. Being talented or being good simply is not enough. In all areas of life you need to market yourself. If Cyrus were looking to break away from her Hannah Montana image, I would say it was a very successful move. Now we get to see what she can really do on her own from this point on.
Lastly, yes there is a concern for all the young girls who grew up watching and idealizing her. I will tell you what I would tell the Parents Television Council, as well as any parent that I coach when families face challenges:
CELEBRITIES ARE NOT ROLE MODELS.
They are entertainers who have a job of being in the public eye. They are human, not divine. And when a gig or job finishes up for them, they move on to the next employment opportunity or start their own. Parents that worry about losing the Hannah Montana role model for their daughters, listen up. Hannah Montana was a character on TV, not a real person to admire.
If you really want your kids to have a role model, the BEST role model out there is YOU: THE PARENTS. Our kids will not always do what we say, but they will almost always do what we do. BE a role model for your kids, and stop depending on celebrities and fictional characters to be that role model in your place.
Frank Kermit
Miley Cyrus VMA 2013 Performance
By Frank Kermit
I do not normally comment on the antics of popular culture, as so much of what we see of movies and TV are fiction based romances and relationships. I tried my best to stay focused on relationships in the real world and write about what realistically works and what does not.
Intrigued by the kafuffle of the Miley Cyrus performance at the 2013 Video Music Awards where Cyrus performed a sexually charged number with Robin Thicke I also had to comment. Cyrus who is now 20 years old was a child actress who performed the character of Hannah Montana from 2006 to 2011 on American TV, and part of a very strong brand of childrens entertainment under Disney.
Part of the controversy is that Disney strongly pushed the Hannah Montana franchise and branded the image of "Good Girl" Hannah so much that audiences associated those characteristics to actress Miley Cyrus. Even the good people at the Parent's Television Council were angered by Cyrus's more adult performance.
Folks, please, it is time for a Frank Reality Check. Miley Cyrus is an ACTRESS/PERFORMER who played the part of Hannah Montana. Her time in that role is over, and as an adult, she gets to decide what role her career can/must take to keep her making a living. Just like any of you will take on roles and jobs that other people may not like, when you get fired or laid off, but need to keep going. She is not a teenager anymore working for Disney. She is a grown woman that wants to take her career where she wants it to go.
It is time to respect that, whether you like it or not; she does not have to placate to the wishes of what everybody else wants her to be.
Cyrus is no different from her peers in terms of what she needs to do to get noticed in the music business. Keep in mind that Elvis Presley, who is TAME by today's standards was considered too dangerous to be on TV because of the way he shook his hips when he performed. "Elvis the Pelvis" did what he had to do to stand out to get attention in the music industry. Maybe it is not so original, but for some reason it works. It got everyone talking about it. That was the point. I find it almost funny how the people that complained the most were the ones that did not simply click off the remote when it happened.
Some people think that artists should not need excessive gimmicks and such to get attention and should expect that talent speak for itself. In both entertainment and dating, that simply does not work. There are plenty of talented people out there that never become stars, just like there are plenty of really good people that never find love. Being talented or being good simply is not enough. In all areas of life you need to market yourself. If Cyrus were looking to break away from her Hannah Montana image, I would say it was a very successful move. Now we get to see what she can really do on her own from this point on.
Lastly, yes there is a concern for all the young girls who grew up watching and idealizing her. I will tell you what I would tell the Parents Television Council, as well as any parent that I coach when families face challenges:
CELEBRITIES ARE NOT ROLE MODELS.
They are entertainers who have a job of being in the public eye. They are human, not divine. And when a gig or job finishes up for them, they move on to the next employment opportunity or start their own. Parents that worry about losing the Hannah Montana role model for their daughters, listen up. Hannah Montana was a character on TV, not a real person to admire.
If you really want your kids to have a role model, the BEST role model out there is YOU: THE PARENTS. Our kids will not always do what we say, but they will almost always do what we do. BE a role model for your kids, and stop depending on celebrities and fictional characters to be that role model in your place.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Dear Frank,
I need advice!! In regards to men & porn. What is "right" and what is "too much"?
I own the house we live in (2nd marriage for me) and he brought in porn from the start.
I put my foot down, told him I didn't want it in the house.
He shouldn't need/use it..he has me, a willing partner.
So he does. Then 8 months later I find a ton of magazines in the garage. His response..."technically it wasn't in the house" - we fight again. All seems resolved.
A year later, I find a ton of magazines hidden in the seat of his car. We go around and around again. Again, he says no more. Again, he lies.
I detest porn. I detest him spending money on it when we need it for other things. I feel he is disrespecting me by lying & continuing with his habit. I tell him he has a problem...he tells me I am a prude.
What do I do? I don't want to divorce over this....but I don't want to be disrespected in my own home either.
HELP!
Detests Porn,
Dear Detest Porn,
I see a couple of issues here.
The first is whether or not the porn is a threat to the marriage or an aid.
For some couples, porn is an aid, as it fills a need so that one or both partners do not stray and have affairs.
For other couples, porn is a threat because it encourages one or both partners to seek out other people.
Do not assume it is always men. Many women enjoy porn too.
The question I have is, is porn an aid or a threat to your relationship.
The next issue is the question of values.
If porn is against your value system, why are you with someone that seeks it out?
It is not about "should"...there is no "should".
You have an intellectual construct about how a willing partner SHOULD be enough.
It obviously is not the case for him. That is a reality you have to deal with. Did you discuss your values before you got married? Did you talk about porn being something at issue with you?
When you did talk about it, were you presenting yourself as someone that can handle truth, or did you present the issues as "You better not ever bring that up!".
It is not your fault you were lied to, but you do have to figure out if you present yourself as being able to handle a Frank discussion about topics you detest, otherwise you encourage people not to be honest with you.
Finally some issues with this situation...you own the house you both live in...to my understanding, when you get married (I assume from your writings you are married) that the assets are shared. If this is wrong, correct me. If it is right, then it is his house too, and although you may detest porn, it is not illegal.
The final question is how your INTERPRETATION of porn is different from his.
You interpret porn as disrespecting you. It seems his interpretation of porn is something else.
Part of this process is to figure out what exactly is the source of your interpretation of porn, and whether or not is an accurate one.
You also have to consider what his interpretation of porn means to him.
THAT is the beginning of figuring out if this is an issue that is an impasse to your relationship or not.
-Frank, because I have to be
I need advice!! In regards to men & porn. What is "right" and what is "too much"?
I own the house we live in (2nd marriage for me) and he brought in porn from the start.
I put my foot down, told him I didn't want it in the house.
He shouldn't need/use it..he has me, a willing partner.
So he does. Then 8 months later I find a ton of magazines in the garage. His response..."technically it wasn't in the house" - we fight again. All seems resolved.
A year later, I find a ton of magazines hidden in the seat of his car. We go around and around again. Again, he says no more. Again, he lies.
I detest porn. I detest him spending money on it when we need it for other things. I feel he is disrespecting me by lying & continuing with his habit. I tell him he has a problem...he tells me I am a prude.
What do I do? I don't want to divorce over this....but I don't want to be disrespected in my own home either.
HELP!
Detests Porn,
Dear Detest Porn,
I see a couple of issues here.
The first is whether or not the porn is a threat to the marriage or an aid.
For some couples, porn is an aid, as it fills a need so that one or both partners do not stray and have affairs.
For other couples, porn is a threat because it encourages one or both partners to seek out other people.
Do not assume it is always men. Many women enjoy porn too.
The question I have is, is porn an aid or a threat to your relationship.
The next issue is the question of values.
If porn is against your value system, why are you with someone that seeks it out?
It is not about "should"...there is no "should".
You have an intellectual construct about how a willing partner SHOULD be enough.
It obviously is not the case for him. That is a reality you have to deal with. Did you discuss your values before you got married? Did you talk about porn being something at issue with you?
When you did talk about it, were you presenting yourself as someone that can handle truth, or did you present the issues as "You better not ever bring that up!".
It is not your fault you were lied to, but you do have to figure out if you present yourself as being able to handle a Frank discussion about topics you detest, otherwise you encourage people not to be honest with you.
Finally some issues with this situation...you own the house you both live in...to my understanding, when you get married (I assume from your writings you are married) that the assets are shared. If this is wrong, correct me. If it is right, then it is his house too, and although you may detest porn, it is not illegal.
The final question is how your INTERPRETATION of porn is different from his.
You interpret porn as disrespecting you. It seems his interpretation of porn is something else.
Part of this process is to figure out what exactly is the source of your interpretation of porn, and whether or not is an accurate one.
You also have to consider what his interpretation of porn means to him.
THAT is the beginning of figuring out if this is an issue that is an impasse to your relationship or not.
-Frank, because I have to be
- Published on
Dear Frank:
I am a 52 yr. old female, divorced for almost 2 years. I have been dating a man whom I met on an Internet dating site since July 2011 (almost 1 year post-divorce). We spend almost every weekend together & are very involved in each others lives.
Due to our work schedules, we are not able to see each other during the week, but he does make a point of calling me every evening. It was obvious right from the start that we had that proverbial chemistry. Our chat sessions became more & more intimate.
After approximately 3 weeks of on-line chatting, he asked me for my phone number, which I eagerly gave him. He called me almost immediately. We spoke on the phone daily, sometimes even 2 or 3 times a day, for sometimes 1 to 2 hours at a time.
After about a week of phone calls, he invited me to his house for supper. I know I probably need my head examined for going to a man’s home that I hadn’t even met in person yet, but I accepted. His 10-year-old son would also be there, so I figured I couldn’t be in any danger.
When I arrived at his home, there was an immediate physical attraction to each other & all evening, the sexual tension between us was palpable. We engaged in sexual intercourse that evening. I know, I know, I’m an idiot! I commented to him that I didn’t normally have sex on a first date & he commented that he wasn’t into one night stands, so I had better get used to being with him for a long time to come.
During the first 2 months or so, we were like a couple of teenagers again; we couldn’t wait to be alone with each other. One weekend, shortly after our initial meeting, he invited me to his cottage.
Let me repeat, I know, I know, I’m an idiot for going to a somewhat secluded place where there was nowhere for me to run if necessary, but I felt completely safe with him. Needless to say neither one of us spent any time outdoors that weekend.
My problem is this: since the initial 2 months, the sex has stopped.
We are sleeping in the same bed at his cottage every weekend, he will hold my hand when walking, kiss me, hug me, flirt, but actual intercourse, or anything more than a hug or kiss, has ceased. I have tried everything in the hopes of sparking his interest (flirting, sexy lingerie, back rubs), but to no avail. I have asked him if he no longer was attracted to me, if perhaps there was something I wasn’t doing to please him, or something I was doing that he didn’t like, etc.
He replied that sex had never really been important to him & that it had absolutely nothing to do with me in particular. He said that he thought he felt that way because of the line of work he is in (he runs an x-rated theatre) because he only ever sees women being used as sex toys or being placed in degrading situations.
I am totally confused. On one hand, he is still very attentive towards me, but I found out that he is still visiting, on a daily basis, the same dating site where we met. When I questioned him about it, he claimed he didn’t know how to delete his profile. I explained to him step-by-step how to delete it, but he said his page seemed to be different from mine & he couldn't see anywhere how to delete it.
For a couple of days I accepted his excuse. But, the more I thought about it, the more I found his answer to be ridiculous. So, I created a fake profile & initiated a conversation with him. Posing as a rather good-looking woman, I pointedly asked him if he was currently involved with someone & his response was “no, he wasn’t”. I was astounded.
Now, I don’t know what to do with this information. Why would he lie about his relationship with me? I am utterly confused. He still acts as if we’re in a serious relationship, doing everything a couple usually does together, refers to me as his girlfriend & keeps asking me when I'm going to introduce him to my father, but any physical intimacies have come to a complete halt.
I don’t know what to do or think anymore. Is he just using me until something better comes along? I would really appreciate your professional opinion.
-Extremely Puzzled
Dear E-Puzzled,
My professional opinion is first and foremost to stop beating yourself up and calling yourself names.
Calling yourself an idiot is a bad habit to get into. At best it will make you unattractive to potential good partners and at worst it will damage you on an emotional level. You did nothing wrong. You are a healthy woman who has human needs.
Next, without being able to meet with you both as a couple, I can only form an opinion on what you wrote in your letter, so my scope could be limited. I do not know his relationship history, and I do not know your repeating behavior patterns from your past marriage.
So, if we all did meet in person for a coaching session, I would be looking for such kinds of behavior patterns like if you tend to seek out emotional unavailable men, and if he has kept most of his relations with women limited to sexual interactions.
As I see it, he may have a number of issues going on. He might be over your relationship, but does not have the courage to break up with you, so he is being passive aggressive hoping you will break up the relationship for him.
He may have a fear of intimacy and when your initial relationship was merely sexual he had no problem performing, but now that it seems to have lasted beyond the romance phase, it is challenging him on an emotional level that he is not comfortable with. He could just be a jerk that leads women on because he values a “motherly” attention rather than sex, and tries to rope in as many lonely women into his circle as he can.
Incidentally, to be clear, it is more probable it is not his job that caused him to have a fear of intimacy, but rather his fear of intimacy that led him to that job. Understand?
With all that said, he is not the real issue in this case. You are, as you wrote the letter asking for advice. Your focus cannot be trying to understand why he is acting the way he is acting. Although understanding his motivations can be important, your primary focus must be on YOUR BOUNDARIES.
You may never fully know why he acts the way he does, and quite frankly, who cares? What you are in control of is how you react to his actions. What are your relationship boundaries? For example if sex is important to you, and it is a boundary that you want sex at this stage of your life regularly in your relationships, then it is up to you to communicate that (which you already have) and if he still does not open up or attempt to accommodate you, then leave and find another partner.
For example, let’s say the issue is that he suffers from impotence and was using some kind of medical aid to function sexually at that time…this is something he would need to open up about and be honest with you when reaching the boyfriend/girlfriend stage (he publicly acknowledges you as his girlfriend).
What are your boundaries about his needing medication or sex not being important?
Your boundaries are the deal breakers of what you will and will not tolerate. They have nothing to do with whom you happen to be dating. Boundaries are all about you and your personal value system.
This will include what your boundaries are regarding being lied to, being cheated on, and being sexually rejected. Your boundaries will surely require you to address the issue of your new boyfriend keeping his online dating profile up. (Are you actually telling me that neither of you knows someone that is technical savvy enough to help take down the profile or that you could not have done it for him when next over at his place? Com’on)
I think your instincts are correct about this guy. I would encourage you to learn to trust yourself more. You are not the idiot you claim to be. You know what you need to do.
-Frank
I am a 52 yr. old female, divorced for almost 2 years. I have been dating a man whom I met on an Internet dating site since July 2011 (almost 1 year post-divorce). We spend almost every weekend together & are very involved in each others lives.
Due to our work schedules, we are not able to see each other during the week, but he does make a point of calling me every evening. It was obvious right from the start that we had that proverbial chemistry. Our chat sessions became more & more intimate.
After approximately 3 weeks of on-line chatting, he asked me for my phone number, which I eagerly gave him. He called me almost immediately. We spoke on the phone daily, sometimes even 2 or 3 times a day, for sometimes 1 to 2 hours at a time.
After about a week of phone calls, he invited me to his house for supper. I know I probably need my head examined for going to a man’s home that I hadn’t even met in person yet, but I accepted. His 10-year-old son would also be there, so I figured I couldn’t be in any danger.
When I arrived at his home, there was an immediate physical attraction to each other & all evening, the sexual tension between us was palpable. We engaged in sexual intercourse that evening. I know, I know, I’m an idiot! I commented to him that I didn’t normally have sex on a first date & he commented that he wasn’t into one night stands, so I had better get used to being with him for a long time to come.
During the first 2 months or so, we were like a couple of teenagers again; we couldn’t wait to be alone with each other. One weekend, shortly after our initial meeting, he invited me to his cottage.
Let me repeat, I know, I know, I’m an idiot for going to a somewhat secluded place where there was nowhere for me to run if necessary, but I felt completely safe with him. Needless to say neither one of us spent any time outdoors that weekend.
My problem is this: since the initial 2 months, the sex has stopped.
We are sleeping in the same bed at his cottage every weekend, he will hold my hand when walking, kiss me, hug me, flirt, but actual intercourse, or anything more than a hug or kiss, has ceased. I have tried everything in the hopes of sparking his interest (flirting, sexy lingerie, back rubs), but to no avail. I have asked him if he no longer was attracted to me, if perhaps there was something I wasn’t doing to please him, or something I was doing that he didn’t like, etc.
He replied that sex had never really been important to him & that it had absolutely nothing to do with me in particular. He said that he thought he felt that way because of the line of work he is in (he runs an x-rated theatre) because he only ever sees women being used as sex toys or being placed in degrading situations.
I am totally confused. On one hand, he is still very attentive towards me, but I found out that he is still visiting, on a daily basis, the same dating site where we met. When I questioned him about it, he claimed he didn’t know how to delete his profile. I explained to him step-by-step how to delete it, but he said his page seemed to be different from mine & he couldn't see anywhere how to delete it.
For a couple of days I accepted his excuse. But, the more I thought about it, the more I found his answer to be ridiculous. So, I created a fake profile & initiated a conversation with him. Posing as a rather good-looking woman, I pointedly asked him if he was currently involved with someone & his response was “no, he wasn’t”. I was astounded.
Now, I don’t know what to do with this information. Why would he lie about his relationship with me? I am utterly confused. He still acts as if we’re in a serious relationship, doing everything a couple usually does together, refers to me as his girlfriend & keeps asking me when I'm going to introduce him to my father, but any physical intimacies have come to a complete halt.
I don’t know what to do or think anymore. Is he just using me until something better comes along? I would really appreciate your professional opinion.
-Extremely Puzzled
Dear E-Puzzled,
My professional opinion is first and foremost to stop beating yourself up and calling yourself names.
Calling yourself an idiot is a bad habit to get into. At best it will make you unattractive to potential good partners and at worst it will damage you on an emotional level. You did nothing wrong. You are a healthy woman who has human needs.
Next, without being able to meet with you both as a couple, I can only form an opinion on what you wrote in your letter, so my scope could be limited. I do not know his relationship history, and I do not know your repeating behavior patterns from your past marriage.
So, if we all did meet in person for a coaching session, I would be looking for such kinds of behavior patterns like if you tend to seek out emotional unavailable men, and if he has kept most of his relations with women limited to sexual interactions.
As I see it, he may have a number of issues going on. He might be over your relationship, but does not have the courage to break up with you, so he is being passive aggressive hoping you will break up the relationship for him.
He may have a fear of intimacy and when your initial relationship was merely sexual he had no problem performing, but now that it seems to have lasted beyond the romance phase, it is challenging him on an emotional level that he is not comfortable with. He could just be a jerk that leads women on because he values a “motherly” attention rather than sex, and tries to rope in as many lonely women into his circle as he can.
Incidentally, to be clear, it is more probable it is not his job that caused him to have a fear of intimacy, but rather his fear of intimacy that led him to that job. Understand?
With all that said, he is not the real issue in this case. You are, as you wrote the letter asking for advice. Your focus cannot be trying to understand why he is acting the way he is acting. Although understanding his motivations can be important, your primary focus must be on YOUR BOUNDARIES.
You may never fully know why he acts the way he does, and quite frankly, who cares? What you are in control of is how you react to his actions. What are your relationship boundaries? For example if sex is important to you, and it is a boundary that you want sex at this stage of your life regularly in your relationships, then it is up to you to communicate that (which you already have) and if he still does not open up or attempt to accommodate you, then leave and find another partner.
For example, let’s say the issue is that he suffers from impotence and was using some kind of medical aid to function sexually at that time…this is something he would need to open up about and be honest with you when reaching the boyfriend/girlfriend stage (he publicly acknowledges you as his girlfriend).
What are your boundaries about his needing medication or sex not being important?
Your boundaries are the deal breakers of what you will and will not tolerate. They have nothing to do with whom you happen to be dating. Boundaries are all about you and your personal value system.
This will include what your boundaries are regarding being lied to, being cheated on, and being sexually rejected. Your boundaries will surely require you to address the issue of your new boyfriend keeping his online dating profile up. (Are you actually telling me that neither of you knows someone that is technical savvy enough to help take down the profile or that you could not have done it for him when next over at his place? Com’on)
I think your instincts are correct about this guy. I would encourage you to learn to trust yourself more. You are not the idiot you claim to be. You know what you need to do.
-Frank
- Published on
Swinger Beginners: Keep it Out of the Work Place
By Frank Kermit
Dear Frank,
My husband and I recently returned from a business trip/vacation where a few of my husband's co-workers also brought their wives. We really hit it off with one of the other couples - where towards the end of the week, it was flirtatious between the other husband and I - at which point I was more aware of actions and comments that could be indicators of testing the waters for other interests.
Although my husband and I have discussed it (the possibility of experiencing swinging together), neither of us have participated in swinging - so our experience and exposure is nil. Are there "pick up lines", or the like, that are indicators? I don't want to jeopardize the relationship with this couple by approaching the subject directly, if I'm reading more into it.
One of the nights, all of our coats ended up in our hotel room for the four of us to get together after we left the hotel bar for the night. During one of the evening conversations, mostly out of the blue, the wife asked me if I had seen a movie where two neighbors had switched houses - husbands - and one had been accused of the murder of one of the wives.
Thanks in advance JC
Dear JC,
When transitioning from monogamy to any form of non-monogamy (or the reverse for that matter of going from non-monogamy to monogamy), the first basic rule is the same.
You go SLOW.
Take your time before altering the relationship structure that you have been accustom too. So it is good that you held off from taking any actions with this couple that could potentially turn your friendship with them sour. With that said, I am going to advise not to pursue anything with this couple, even if the couple is interested in swinging with you and your husband.
Regardless of anything else you have written, it sounds to me that the other woman’s husband and your husband are co-workers. There are some employers that have policies regarding employees getting involved in any sort of romantic relationships including recreational sex.
When co-workers have sex or date it can be a complicated affair, even when things work out leading a serious relationship. When you throw swinging into the mix, it is even more complicated.
Depending on how the employment agreement is worded and the scope of what the company feels might be employees getting too involved with each other, it is possible that your husbands could lose their jobs, and also depending on the area of the North America in which you live, the stigma with being associated with the swinger lifestyle could even cost each of them a career.
Bottom-line is that if you are looking for some first time experience with non-monogamy, co-workers are strictly off limits.
With all that said, I am not so sure that the couple you describe are swingers.
In fact the out-of-the-blue comment made by the wife of the other couple strikes me more of a red flag as I get the impression that she might have been trying to give you a warning to back off. If the wife was really interested in trying to probe you to see how open you and your husband are towards the swinger lifestyle, there are a number of other popular culture medias she could have referred too.
Media programs like Big Love and Sister Wives (polygamy), Bob & Carol& Ted & Alice (movie on wife swapping), When Two Won’t Do (documentary on open relationships) and even various episodes of the different Star Trek shows that talk about alien societies that function on principles of non-monogamy.
The wife in your situation chose the movie entitled Consenting Adults about a supposed couple swap that lands one of the wives murdered. I don’t think that someone who was interested in swapping husbands with you would use that particular movie to initiate a move towards that goal.
My feeling is that the wife picked up on the fact that her husband and you were getting along a little too well, and rather than turn a work-related function sour by making a sense, she sent you a subtle message threatening you to stay away from her husband even if her husband found you attractive.
Swingers clubs often have information nights for newbie couples to come in and get a lecture about how swinging works, where and how to meet new couples, and the nuances of the unique etiquette of how swinger couples interact at a swingers club. Check to see if the swinger clubs closest to you offer any.
Do a lot more research before you jump in as swinging will never make a bad marriage better, and rushing in could ruin what you already have with your husband.
There are some swingers dating websites that will have some informative resources for you to explore. The ones that I would recommend are the long established http://www.trystmag.com/ based in Canada, and http://venuscouples.com/ which is a swinger site aimed at women that is completely pornography free.
-Frank
By Frank Kermit
Dear Frank,
My husband and I recently returned from a business trip/vacation where a few of my husband's co-workers also brought their wives. We really hit it off with one of the other couples - where towards the end of the week, it was flirtatious between the other husband and I - at which point I was more aware of actions and comments that could be indicators of testing the waters for other interests.
Although my husband and I have discussed it (the possibility of experiencing swinging together), neither of us have participated in swinging - so our experience and exposure is nil. Are there "pick up lines", or the like, that are indicators? I don't want to jeopardize the relationship with this couple by approaching the subject directly, if I'm reading more into it.
One of the nights, all of our coats ended up in our hotel room for the four of us to get together after we left the hotel bar for the night. During one of the evening conversations, mostly out of the blue, the wife asked me if I had seen a movie where two neighbors had switched houses - husbands - and one had been accused of the murder of one of the wives.
Thanks in advance JC
Dear JC,
When transitioning from monogamy to any form of non-monogamy (or the reverse for that matter of going from non-monogamy to monogamy), the first basic rule is the same.
You go SLOW.
Take your time before altering the relationship structure that you have been accustom too. So it is good that you held off from taking any actions with this couple that could potentially turn your friendship with them sour. With that said, I am going to advise not to pursue anything with this couple, even if the couple is interested in swinging with you and your husband.
Regardless of anything else you have written, it sounds to me that the other woman’s husband and your husband are co-workers. There are some employers that have policies regarding employees getting involved in any sort of romantic relationships including recreational sex.
When co-workers have sex or date it can be a complicated affair, even when things work out leading a serious relationship. When you throw swinging into the mix, it is even more complicated.
Depending on how the employment agreement is worded and the scope of what the company feels might be employees getting too involved with each other, it is possible that your husbands could lose their jobs, and also depending on the area of the North America in which you live, the stigma with being associated with the swinger lifestyle could even cost each of them a career.
Bottom-line is that if you are looking for some first time experience with non-monogamy, co-workers are strictly off limits.
With all that said, I am not so sure that the couple you describe are swingers.
In fact the out-of-the-blue comment made by the wife of the other couple strikes me more of a red flag as I get the impression that she might have been trying to give you a warning to back off. If the wife was really interested in trying to probe you to see how open you and your husband are towards the swinger lifestyle, there are a number of other popular culture medias she could have referred too.
Media programs like Big Love and Sister Wives (polygamy), Bob & Carol& Ted & Alice (movie on wife swapping), When Two Won’t Do (documentary on open relationships) and even various episodes of the different Star Trek shows that talk about alien societies that function on principles of non-monogamy.
The wife in your situation chose the movie entitled Consenting Adults about a supposed couple swap that lands one of the wives murdered. I don’t think that someone who was interested in swapping husbands with you would use that particular movie to initiate a move towards that goal.
My feeling is that the wife picked up on the fact that her husband and you were getting along a little too well, and rather than turn a work-related function sour by making a sense, she sent you a subtle message threatening you to stay away from her husband even if her husband found you attractive.
Swingers clubs often have information nights for newbie couples to come in and get a lecture about how swinging works, where and how to meet new couples, and the nuances of the unique etiquette of how swinger couples interact at a swingers club. Check to see if the swinger clubs closest to you offer any.
Do a lot more research before you jump in as swinging will never make a bad marriage better, and rushing in could ruin what you already have with your husband.
There are some swingers dating websites that will have some informative resources for you to explore. The ones that I would recommend are the long established http://www.trystmag.com/ based in Canada, and http://venuscouples.com/ which is a swinger site aimed at women that is completely pornography free.
-Frank
- Published on
how to make someone tell you the truth
Handling The Truth About Relationships
Is All About Handling The Truth About Human Beings
By Frank Kermit
Originally published July 19, 2018, updated April 20, 2018
When someone asks to learn the single most important thing that I can think of that would ensure they have the best chance of making long term relationships succeed, time and again, when going through the practice of relationship coaching, that single most important element that keeps coming up is:
A Persons Ability To Handle Truth.
The willingness to listen to the truth about your relationship situation and handling the truth in a mature and reasonable manner can be the key difference between a long term marriage-‘til-death-do-you-part or a quickie-divorce. It is that key.
Frank's Rule of Honesty is that people will only tend to be as honest with you as much as you give the image of what you can handle.
If you present yourself as someone that will not be able to handle the truth, or you have a reputation of freaking out when you hear a truth that you do not like, it is pretty well guaranteed that you have taught the people around you that it is in their best interest, and yours, for them to lie to you when they can.
During my own personal development, something that I learned when I wanted to encourage honesty from others is that I taught myself how to handle truth.
Meaning,
that regardless of how bad the news, I would hold off acting on any emotion until I could be alone later.
So when I get told really shocking news, I do withdraw, but I do not act out and explode.
This has been KEY in getting people to talk to me with their truths.
I don't promise not to get mad, I just promise not to act on that anger right away.
I control the behavior, not the emotion.
It has strengthened my connections with others.
Succeeding at making long term relationships work can depend greatly on being the kind of person that people felt they could be completely honest about regarding their secrets, their vulnerabilities and their sexual histories.
If you can make people feel that safe with you, then you will always be in a position to know the truth of your relationship situation, and that is what puts you in control of being able to manage your relationships, and the potential threats to it.
You can never allow yourself to be in the position to fear truth. When it comes to the truth about your relationship, you simply must learn to handle things that you likely would rather not want to hear.
For example, a truth in relationships that most people would rather not acknowledge is that even if you are happily involved with someone in a serious and exclusive relationship, you are STILL going to be attracted to other people.
It has NOTHING to do with how much the partners love each other.
It has nothing to do with how the partners treat one another.
It only has to do with basic sexual orientation.
If a person had the capacity to feel attracted to and/or fall in love with a human being once, they will likely do so again and again, no matter what they have committed too.
To be clear, we are talking about how you do not control how you feel (attraction for another person that is not your partner) which is a completely separate issue from acting on that attraction if you have made a commitment not to act on them.
Now, let’s take that example and see what is the real dangerous.
Some people feel that expressing to your partner that you are attracted to another person is a direct threat to that relationship.
Actually, it is not.
It is just a truth about your relationship.
The FEAR of expressing yourself to your partner, or the fear of your partner expressing a truth to you, is the real threat to your relationship.
It is those couples that understand that knowing the truth, no matter how much it can ding the ego, is always the best means of helping to preserve the relationship, that have the best chance of lasting through the rough times together.
Relationship Skills Mastery, at its core, is the embracement of the full truth about your partner and yourself.
Relationships based on intellectual constructs and ideals, which prevent couples from being completely honest with each other about how they are feeling, is the real danger.
It is in those omissions of truth that the cracks in the foundations of the trust that is the basis of a relationship may start the tower of love to crumble.
Although many people claim they want a partner who will be honest, a number of those same people simply cannot handle a partner being honest.
(How often do you actually tell a partner if that outfit makes them look fat?).
Don't ask for the truth if you cannot handle it.
If you really want honesty, be strong enough to take it.
This is the real world.
There is no having it both ways.
If you ask for honesty but you react out of control, like you cannot handle honesty well, you are going to train everyone to start lying to you.
Sorry, but you need to keep things in perspective.
If you are losing yourself in your rage,
you will destroy everything you love.
Frank Kermit
If you want to get someone to be honest with you, to tell you something, you do not need to cast any truth spells. All you need to do is learn the traits of a charismatic person.
People feel safe to tell the truth to those that are charming and know how to handle truth.
Learn to handle the truth. Buy the Art of Calibration Program: From Creepy To Charisma
People feel safe to tell the truth to those that are charming and know how to handle truth.
Learn to handle the truth. Buy the Art of Calibration Program: From Creepy To Charisma
how to make someone tell the truth
- Published on
Dating the Ex of Your Friend
Dating Your Friend's EX
By Frank Kermit
A question that comes up, more often than not from younger adults, than from older clients is: What are the rules about dating the ex of your friend?
Younger people have more to consider when dating the ex of a friend. It is not just the loss of the friendship that is at risk, but it could cost him or her an entire social circle, and a reputation that could make their world much more challenging.
Older people tend to be more independent, better able to stand up for themselves, and life experience has taught them that even the best of friendships may not last forever, and a successful loving relationship can actually be worth the risk of losing a friendship.
With all that said, here are some tips about dating the ex of a friend.
First, be mindful if your friend has any expectation of being asked permission. Some people really expect to be asked for permission before a friend dates his or her ex.
That expectation also comes with the notion that if your friend says no, you will hold off dating the ex, no matter how you feel about that person.
In my teachings, I let people know that no one, including your friends, need to approve of who you date, including if it is an ex of theirs.
This is unrealistic, as by the time a new couple realizes there is something they want to explore, the time for permissions has likely already passed.
However unrealistic, it can be quite popular with certain individuals.
Second, some friends do not have the expectation that permission will be sought (that is good and realistic), but they may still have the inclination to expect that the new couple will reach out and tell the friend directly about the new relationship.
Once again, this is not realistic as the relationship could have started spontaneously, or even started in secret to keep things less complicated in case things did not work out right at the beginning.
Part of the problem is that friends tend to share way too many details about their love life with one another, that when something is not shared for any reason, it can be interpreted as a sign of disrespect.
This is why the best course of action is to never get into the habit of sharing too many details about your love life with your friends.
There are some things your friends do not need to ever know, and in truth, you are under no obligation to share such information.
With that all said, if you are going to date the ex of a friend, and your friendship with that person is very meaningful to you, and is a friendship that you wish to make efforts to maintain, there is nothing wrong with reaching out to your friend, and letting your friend know that you and the ex have begun dating.
Do you have to do it? No.
Will this type of behavior automatically save or maintain your friendship? There is no guarantee.
Could your new partner (the ex), be miffed at you talking to your friend in this way? Possibly.
However, life is about making choices, and it is up to you to decide how you will choose to deal with this dating dilemma.
If you are stuck, trying to figure out if you should withdraw from dating the ex of your friend, if you should do it in secret, if you should reach out and ask permission or just let your friend know directly what is going on, or if you should just date who you want to date, and accept the consequences no matter what happens, then consider this:
If the situation were reversed, what are your expectations if a friend of yours ended up dating an ex of yours?
At the very least, it is a starting point.
- Published on
Single on New Years Eve
Stop Wasting Time:
The Resolutions
For Singles in the New Year
By Frank Kermit
Some people find themselves starting the New Year as a single person. For those that are happy being single, the New Year is getting off to a great start.
However, if someone is not happy with being single, and wants to make sure to be in a relationship by the time New Year's Eve comes around again, it is important to make some changes.
If there was one area that single people must make changes to, in order to ensure their best chances at no longer being single, it can be summed up in 3 simple words:
Stop-Wasting-Time.
Stop Wasting Time means that you realize that your "time" is a resource of a very limited supply.
You cannot get back any time that you already spent. All you can do is focus on the time you have left. When it comes to the desire to no longer be single, how you spend your time is very important.
There are certain things you must devote time too. These include your set obligations, your family responsibilities, your work, your education, your health but when all of that is done, then you may have time left over to focus on other things.
That time left over is the time you need to devote to making changes in your life to break the repeating behavior patterns that have thus far kept you single. If you are not using that time wisely, you could be wasting it.
For example, you have decided that this was the year you were going to find new love, and build a serious relationship with him or her, and the next thing you know, you get contacted by one of your ex lovers who happens to be lonely and wants to enjoy your company again.
If you keep hanging out with ex lovers just to avoid feeling lonely, you are wasting your time.
Use that evening to go out some place to potentially meet someone new.
If you are casually dating someone currently and it appears that there is little chance of it turning into a serious commitment, you might be wasting your time.
Talk to your partner about what would have to happen to for such a commitment to occur.
If your partner cannot give you a direct and crystal clear answer, you are wasting your time with that person.
Use that time to go to workshops to develop your social or conversational skills.
If you have hobbies which are enjoyable pastimes (stamps, genealogy, videogames) but do not allow for you to interact with new people in real life social settings where you can explore a potential romance, you are wasting your time.
Use that time to take up a new activity like a dance class where you must interact with others and potentially find a connection.
Even chilling out with your friends can end up being a huge waste of time.
Unless your friends are able to directly introduce you to someone new they brought to the social circle, hanging out with the same groups of people that do not provide you with your own chance of love is a time waster.
This also includes that friend of yours that you are in love with, and continue to ask out, but rejects you again and again.
Spending time with someone that continually rejects to attempt to take your friendship to the next level is wasting your time.
Use that time to meet up with new social circles that can meet your needs better.
Some people struggle with this because they carry a notion that they should not have to put in so much effort to connect with a new love.
They feel that it should just happen when the timing is right, and would rather wait for love to come to them.
For some people, this has worked because they are naturally able to draw such opportunities to them.
However, for the rest of us who were not naturally able to draw it to us, it is time to put in the work.
Next New Year's Eve is just about 11 months away.
You can either wait to see if you will be alone again, or you can choose to take action and increase your chances to have someone to start next year with a meaningful kiss. It's your time
Frank Kermit
- Published on
What Sugar Arrangement Sites Do Not Tell You
What Seeking Arrangements
Does Not Tell You:
The Secrets of Seeking Arrangements
By Frank Kermit
Originally written in 2015, updated April 24, 2018
Seeking Arrangements is a website that calls itself a dating site that targets young, attractive women in their late teens and early twenties, to help them meet financially established, usually older men who want to trade major financial support (averaging 3000$ a month) for a negotiated form of companionship.
It entices the girls by describing the men as financially stable, experienced in dating, willing to pamper with shopping sprees and expensive gifts and travels, and also potentially offering valuable guidance and mentoring (i.e. career-wise) aiming for long term stability.
It entices the men involved by describing the benefits of no strings attached relations, readily available girls at his discretion, and that the number of sugar babies to sugar daddies is a whopping 8 to 1.
On the one hand, as long as everyone involved is an adult, and enters into such an agreement of their own free will, then the only real issue is whether or not such an arrangement is legal where the two adults live.
There are places where prostitution is perfectly legal and The Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby set up isn't actually all that different from prostitution. To understand what makes the Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby set up similar to prostitution is that when a sugar daddy falls on hard times, loses his source of income or tries to negotiate a lower rate of exchange; it is very likely that his pseudo girlfriend can no longer offer him that brand of companionship and quickly ends the arrangement.
The fact that it is just like prostitution in this regard is not the problem. I do not believe in judging anyone for entering into the sex trade; because everyone has their own reasons to take part it in (both the sex-worker and the client).
To be clear, I believe the prostitution should be decriminalized and have nothing against people that pay for sex and companionship, and the people that provide the services of sex and companionship. As long as everyone is a consenting adult, and they are made aware of the consequences of their involvement, not just the positives.
What I believe is the great point of tension however, is what such sites do not tell participants about some of the risks involved, focusing mostly on selling a fantasy of no consequences.
There are ramifications to taking part of this lifestyle that only come to the attention of those involved when it is too late.
For the girls involved these risks may include living with the possibility that someday in the future, their involvement in this could be revealed and affect them in ways they never considered.
For example, if they wanted to keep it a secret from a her future employer, life partner or her children's friends but it was made public because a former sugar daddy (or someone with access to his estate) upload evidence on the Internet of her time as a sugar baby.
Some former sugar babies end up struggling financially, because they become so accustom to the lavish lifestyle their sugar daddies offered, that having to work for a living, usually making less money, causes them to rack up debt very quickly.
Just because she is being taken care of now, does not mean she is being taught to be independent. Trying to find a sugar daddy when she is older, and beyond the demographic of the sugar daddy target audience, becomes a terrible rude awakening for these women.
It is not a coincidence that Seeking Arrangements and other services like it specifically aim to recruit young, attractive women in their early twenties. Older women in those circles are more expected to take on the role of a Sugar Mommy and offer support to younger, attractive men.
It is the same arrangement, with the reversal of genders. Finally those of my female clients that were former sugar babies, now struggle with finding a life partner in part because her standards are so high and out of proportion with the kinds of men that would actually date her, and those men she would be interested in dating, would not want to date her given her past as a sugar baby, or they are too shallow to date a woman closer to his own age.
Although some sugar babies are getting degrees in higher education, not all are, and not all sugar babies finish their degrees. Many of them may even not be considering how the gaps in their resume will affect them. How does she explain how she made a living during certain periods of her life, yet has no work experience to show for that time?
It is because of such gaps, these women struggle to find work outside of the sex industry. (Sugar baby isn't exactly a high-ranking resume credential for jobs outside of sex work). One sex worker I interviewed for an old audio production I did, stated that this particular snafu was one of the reasons that made it so challenging for working girls to get out of the business.
The consequences for the men involved are different. It seems there is less of a stigma for men that pay for the services of the sex industry, than there is for the girls who work in the sex industry. The real risk in paying for companionship, attention, and sex, is that it dulls a man's ability to know what is socially acceptable behavior on an actual date.
Those of my male clients who were involved for years with such arrangements get used to being told what they want to hear, thus they never learn through legitimate social experience that their behavior is actually creepy and turns women off.
When these men behave exactly the same way, dating women they are not paying to be there, they get their own rude awakenings through massive rejection and abandonment, never understanding what they did wrong.
Real life dating is as much a learning experience about social acceptability as it is to find a compatible partner.
When a man pays for sex as the outcome, and it is a pre-determined guarantee regardless of what he says or how he behaves, he does not learn how to attract or interact with women in a way that encourages a woman to want to continue spending time with him (let alone have sex).
When trying to understand the true nature of what the girls involved should expect seeking an arrangement, I would tell them this:
If a man only wanted the companionship of a woman who was not interested in having sex with him, he could easily do so with every woman who he asked out and rejected him, but who offered to stay just-friends.
And even in those cases, some men still stuck around hoping to get more from her than she was offering.
Be careful out there folks.
If you had a Sugar Arrangement and are struggling to get back into the regular dating realm, sign up for Frank Coaching.
Frank Kermit
P.S. I was quoted in another article about the Sugar Baby Industry. Please go see Sugar Daddies: The Quick Cash
Sex Is Important.
Otherwise there would be no sex industry
and sex would not be used in mainstream advertising.
Whichever side you are on when it comes to sex, a consumer, a service provider, or just an enthusiastic participant, every partner you ever have will appreciate your efforts to be a better lover.
Get a copy of Now What? Unique Ways To Cater To Her Sexual E.N.A if you want to learn to be a better lover.
Be A Better Lover
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- Published on
The Ashley Madison Affair
The Ashley Madison Affair
Re-thinking our relationships
and the practice of monogamy
By Frank Kermit
Ashley Madison, a website that caters to individuals in seemingly monogamous relationships and who are looking for a discreet affair, has been hacked.
This means that the discretion and secrecy promised to its membership has been compromised, with full personal information of customers now made publicly available for anyone to download them.
The aftereffects, according to various media sources, include suicide of those exposed (at least two thus far attributed directly to the hack), cheating partners confessing their indiscretions to prepare partners for the fallout, a number of people targeted for extortion who are blackmailed into either paying up or having their information further exposed to family and friends, credit card cancellations to avoid illegal identity thefts, a growing number of lawsuits against the website and a big reward offered by the company that owns Ashley Madison to help catch the hackers responsible for the revelation.
What is not so publicized is that not everyone uncovered in this scandal is a person in a monogamous relationship attempting to have a secret affair. Single men and women looking for casual sex with other singles do join this kind of site. Also overlooked are couples that agree to have some kind of non-monogamous relationship and find it easier to discover other open-minded individuals through a site like Ashley Madison rather than attempt to find discreet partners through other means.
I wonder how some of the couples affected by this will cope. Affairs unto themselves do not necessarily end relationships.
It is how a couple copes with the broken trust and how they examine the lack of fulfilling emotional needs that will determine whether or not their relationship will survive this challenging issue.
In moments of crisis, we may find new opportunities to reach a level of honesty with ourselves and our partners that could put an end to behaviors of betrayal and potentially help rebuild our relationships on more solid foundations.
Maybe it is time for some individuals to accept that monogamy is simply not something they are capable of or interested in pretending to exemplify anymore, or to recognize that they have taken their partner for granted and fostered extreme neglect that pushed them away.
Perhaps what could be the most desirable outcome of this entire situation is that, with the right guidance, singles and couples struggling with fidelity may finally learn to be honest with others about their sexual needs and questioning whether they may or may not have neglected their partner’s needs, which led in part to their current predicament.
Surely the one thing most people can agree on in the aftermath of this revelation is that, if so many people publicly identify as monogamous but aren’t actually practicing monogamy, then maybe we all need to re-think our relationships and expectations as a society regarding monogamy.
One sure thing that my practice of coaching has proven time and time again is that people and relationships are much more complex than the sensationalism mass media would rather you focus on. More to the point, monogamy is not for everyone, and neither is a non-monogamous relationship.
However, people can make either relationship structure work with the right partner. It takes being honest with themselves first, and learning to communicate their needs to their partners.
One sure thing that my practice of coaching has proven time and time again is that people and relationships are much more complex than the sensationalism mass media would rather you focus on.
While some in the public are praising the hacker group who committed this act in the name of some moral calling, I cannot help but wonder what their next target will be.
Their motivation is based on what they find immoral, which means anyone doing anything that is counter to their personal code of ethics could be targeted. Will abortion clinics be next?
Perhaps it will be hospital records, to reveal patient medical conditions because of some righteous stance on what diseases are more culpable to have than others, or government offices willing to file marriages (same-sex, inter-faith, inter-race, age-gap) that they disapprove of.
Could we see a shaming campaign against sexually active adults who are members of regular dating websites?
Perhaps disrupting legal proceedings will be next because some hackers out there feel that divorce proceedings are contrary to their code of ethics.
Evidently, the hacker groups are powerful enough to carry about these threats. Something to think about if you happen to be amusing yourself with the effects of watching people’s lives unfold in the wake of the hacking of Ashley Madison.
Frank Kermit
