- Published on
MTL Blog Logo
What Makes Couples Last According To A Professional Montreal Relationship Coach
by Irene Terehova
An interview between Irene Terehova and Frank Kermit for MTL Blog from 2016
A very common problem I see in modern relationships is the longevity struggle. Relationships and marriages don't last. Break ups and divorces are at an all time rise. Why is this happening? Why are Montrealers losing patience and not willing to work harder? Is giving up on love the right way to go?
So I got in touch with Frank Kermit today, a Montreal based relationship and dating coach, in hopes of finding the truth in this confusing subject matter. Frank gave a beautiful and easy breakdown to my two simple questions.
Why do modern couples break up and divorce so often, Frank?
"The difference between a couple that lasts and a couple that divorces all comes down to their emotional needs. Each individual has a set of emotional needs. Although the emotional needs tend to be similar from person to person, each individual has a unique profile detailing, which emotional needs are more important and which ones are less important. A person with a high degree of the emotional need fear of abandonment will react very differently than a person with a lower degree of that same emotional need.
Couples come together because the emotional needs of both people are addressed when they are involved with each other. Couples break apart (separation and divorce) when the emotional needs of one (or both) of the people are very violated.
The emotional needs of an individual can also change over time. [...] For example, a person who is at a stage of life where their children are grown and they have arranged for financial security that is not dependent on any particular employer may not place too much importance on an emotional need like protection of reputation, as the person may have done at a younger age. So it can happen where a couple [who has been] together for a long time, have changed as individuals and thus their emotional needs have changed, and their relationship as it stands, can no longer address their particular new emotional needs."
Mtl Blog Interview
What needs to be changed in order to make modern relationships last?
The only thing that really would have to change that would be realistic, is for people to learn the skills needed to manage their abundance of choice.
Today’s singles and couples have unlimited choice as to how they can manage their relationships and sex lives, but as I teach it, the power of choice, without the knowledgeable skills to know what to do with that power, can lead to a misery so great, it can sometimes be worse than living in a system of oppression that meets human beings basic needs.
[...] A person can choose to date, get married, have children, live together, not date at all, be child-free, be a single parent, date multiple people at the same time, have multiple sex partners at the same time, even have polyamourous multi-partner romantic relationship families. The sky is no longer the limit, as the freedom of choices for how people choose to manage their romantic lives has reached beyond the stars.
[...] A person that does not know him or her self, their personal boundaries, or who has never thought critically about what is in their own best long term interest is at a disadvantage, and may end up choosing the wrong partners to get involved with, and worse…could potentially walk away from a great life to choose a new partner and life that lands that person in emotional ruins.
Frank Kermit
Dating and Relationship Coach
Author of 15 books and 20 audio lectures sets, including:
The Emotional Needs of Women Analysis Workbook
and
The Emotional Needs of Men Analysis Workbook
- Published on
couples in chaos
Of course, there are no quick fixes, and this advice isn’t here to suggest that you are going to be able to simply paper over the cracks. So, let’s run through a few pieces of advice which will hopefully come in useful to you.
Relight Your Spark
While a lot of people would think that yelling and arguing all the time would be the central cause of relationship breakdown, many of the main problems that exist in relationships come back to boredom and disinterest. When you get caught up in the day-to-day whirlwind of routine, you may forget the fact that a simple conversation with your partner and bring you closer together once again. In long-term relationships, talking often revolves around mundane or uninteresting topics rather than the type of personal closure that helps you really get to know another person.
So, try to set aside some time that you can spend with one another so that you can relight the spark in your relationship. Ask questions that go beyond the routine and try to get to know the person that you are sharing your life with in a more intimate way all over again.
Break Up the Usual Relational Patterns
There are plenty of potentially destructive patterns which can develop in a relationship which you need to be very wary of. For example, if you always enter a disagreement attempting to ‘win’ the argument rather than constructively repair the situation, this is something which you need to overcome in any way that you can. Often, these fights have predictable triggers, so you should try to stop a disagreement by discussing it calmly rather than letting it escalate into a full-blown fight. Try to substitute out any inflammatory words so that it doesn’t seem like you are launching a personal attack on your partner. Finally, you need to get a handle on your negative emotions so that you can regain your own sense of self-control.
Rediscover Your Sense of Touch
how to fix a broken relationship
Acknowledge Your Differences
There is no doubt that this is one of the most challenging parts of being in a relationship. Learning to acknowledge your differences without blaming each other in an argumentative way will stand you in good stead throughout the duration of your relationship. Talk about your differences in a calm way and don’t always try to force the other person to come round to your point of view. Discuss the ways that you react and respond differently when you are put in certain situations. However, you need to avoid doing this in a critical manner. Essentially, the better you know your partner, the more you will be able to understand their behaviour and their individual outlook on life.
Increase Your Commitment
Increasing the commitment that you have towards your partner can come in numerous different ways. Of course, you could stage a ceremony or renew the vows that you have already taken - even getting some wedding rings to symbolise this. There are also certain behaviours which diminish your sense of commitment in a relationship which you could look to cut out. For example, constant criticism has been found to diminish commitment in a relationship. Conversely, demonstrating some forgiveness will help to stop you chipping away at the sense of satisfaction that you helped to build in your relationship in the first place. Rather than personalising about things that go wrong in life and blaming your partner for all of them, you are much better off generalising about them.
Show Some Gratitude
how to get love back
Something as seemingly simple as expressing gratitude towards your partner can really help to increase your sense of closeness once again. Obviously, a partner who feels like they are appreciated is much more likely to be loving and supportive in the future. However, if either one of you feels like you are constantly doing things for the other person but getting nothing back in return, this can be potentially toxic in a relationship.
As we mentioned at the start, repairing a relationship and solidifying your commitment to one another is never going to be straightforward, but these are just a few of the tips which you can follow to help. Start by relighting the spark which attracted you to one another in the first place. Try out some different activities together and try to have some deeper conversations which go beyond the mundane and ordinary. If you have identified some toxic patterns which occur in your relationship, now is the time to replace them with more positive responses. It may have been a long time since you have actually touched one another, so try to do so in a way that is both loving and caring. Try to acknowledge the differences that you both have rather than constantly trying to ‘fix’ the other person or bring them round to your point of view. Increase the sense of commitment that you have towards one another, and you could even mark this with a ceremony. Finally, express your gratitude towards the other person and try to do something nice for them yourself.
- Published on
DESTINATION BEACH WEDDING
A destination wedding is a dream for a lot of people. You get away from home, and you can often combine the wedding with your honeymoon. It gives you the option of marrying on a beach, in a castle, or wherever you might feel like it. However, they can get very expensive, even when your guests are paying their own way. If you're determined to have a destination wedding, you don't have to give up on your dream because you're on a tight budget. There are ways to save and get the wedding you both want without overspending.
Pick the Right Location
Choosing the right location is the first step you need to take to make sure your destination wedding isn't too expensive. This works best if you're not already set on going to any one place. You might have a certain type of setting in mind, whether it's an island or a mountain location. This still allows you plenty of flexibility to find a location that's right for you. If you are set on somewhere in particular, you can often still save money by choosing the less popular places or by going at the right time. Think about not just where you're going but whether the legal marriage process is expensive too.
Keep Your Guest List Small
Keeping to a small guest list is seen as an advantage for many people who want to have a destination wedding. In fact, it's the reason some people choose to go away to get married. You're not obligated to invite everyone, or you can bank on a lot of people not wanting to come. You probably still want close friends and family there, but you can avoid having to invite extended family members who you haven't spoken to in years. Draw up a small guest list, and you'll be able to save money, and perhaps even pay for the most important people to make it.
Choose a Package Wedding
One of the ways to save is by choosing a wedding package that gives you everything you need. It's an affordable way to plan your wedding, but it doesn't have to look cheap. Take a look at SweetHawaiiWedding.com to see what you could be picking if you choose to have your wedding in Hawaii. A package wedding doesn't mean you have no control. You often still have a choice of elements, and you can still make your own choices for things like your outfits too.
Get Group Discounts
If you're traveling as a group, it's a great way to make some savings. Using your power as a group booking, whether there's 15 or 50 of you, you can negotiate with everyone from airlines to hotels. You don't necessarily have to pay for everything for your guests, but if they're making an effort to come to your wedding, they'll appreciate you getting them a discount.
Your destination wedding doesn't need to be expensive at all. You can make it affordable and get the dream wedding that you want.
- Published on
What Did Your Parents Teach You About Marriage?
by Frank Kermit
I posted this on my social media and have to say that the majority of the responses were very negative.
Here are some examples:
"If I was to answer honestly, not many good things"
"My parents taught me that I should never get married"
"Nothing"
"Nothing good"
"That how they ran their marriage was no good"
At the time of publishing this post on the blog
there was only one possible response:
My parent's marriage taught me that it's important to be
trustworthy, honest and transparent with your partner
If you have parents that taught you how to have a great marriage,
it seems you may be among the lucky few.
If you come from parents
that were not able to teach you about marriage,
at least you learned from them what NOT to do
(which means you are halfway there).
I can teach you the other half.
Sign up for Coaching and let me take you through
My Emotional Needs Analysis system
so that you can have a GREAT MARRIAGE
and make your next serious relationship
divorce proof.
#parents #parenting #gaydad #dad #parenthood #mother #children
#teach #tpt #iteach #teacherspayteachers #teacherlife #teachersfollowteachers #teaching #iteachtoo #classroom #learn #teacher #educate #education
#marriage #groom #instawedding #ceremony #weddingparty #weddingday #bride #weddingdress #bridesmaids #weddinggown #congrats #married
#romance #weddingcake #celebration #wife #husband #celebrate #congratulations #together #noiva #forever #forbetterorforworse #untildeathdouspart
- Published on
What made you fall in love?
Did you know each other for years and slowly fall in love?
Were you recovering from an illness, and that person was there for you?
Did you bond over food, music, or hobbies?
Perhaps you worked together?
Happy Valentine's Day!
- Published on
wedding vows
Ensuring that you get the vows right is so important for your wedding. Nobody wants to deal with the awkwardness of a poorly prepared set of vows. If the two of you aren’t comfortable writing your own vows, then don’t force it! This should be THE moment of your wedding, that special part where dry eyes become wet. Just make sure that you know your vows, and you’re both comfortable saying them. This avoids any awkward moments at the altar.
The Rings
Your rings are and should be an important part of your day - after all, in marriage, the rings signify your dedication to each other! Taking the time to choose the right colour, and make sure you pick a quality diamond like Sofia Lior Diamonds offer. Go big or go home we say - you’re only getting married once!
The Groomsmen/Bridesmaids
Choosing the groomsmen and bridesmaids is a tough task that needs lots of attention. You need to ensure you make the right picks and don’t offend anyone. Don’t choose a handful of your core friend group to be your groomsmen or bridesmaids and leave out a couple of others. Either they’re all in, or none of them are in. Or, you can devise a fair way to decide between them all. Normally, it’s a good idea to choose family as these people because it means none of your friends will be upset.
beach wedding ideas
The send-off happens right at the end of the ceremony as you and your partner walk hand in hand back down the aisle waving and beaming at all your guests. It’s a huge moment. It’s the moment that remains etched in people’s minds and signals the beginning of your marriage and the start of party time at the reception. There are loads of wedding send off ideas out there, ranging from the boring - having people throw rice over you as you walk out to the classic wedding theme - to the more elaborate - glitter, pom poms, sequins, and even live doves being released into the air. The choice is yours, just make sure you give this aspect some extra thought.
The Reception
Naturally, your reception is just as important as your wedding ceremony. If anything, it might be more important that you get this right. It’s the part of your big day where everyone can have a real celebration and let their hair down. Make sure you pick a good location, have various food and drink options, and cater to anyone with dietary requirements. The aim here is just to make sure everyone has the best time possible and leaves with happy memories.
There you have it; the main aspects of your wedding that demand the most of your attention. Anything else I haven’t mentioned? Feel free to contribute some ideas of your own so we can all come together and help make wedding planning a whole lot easier!
- Published on
Want to throw an evening wedding celebration that your friends and family will remember for the rest of their lives? Here are some great ideas that can help you get the wedding party started!
One of the usual options that you will find couples go with is a DJ and disco. After all, everyone loves a good old dance, and you will find that the best wedding DJ gets all of your guests up on their feet! A DJ will spin his records throughout the night and until the wee hours. If you want, you and your partner can let him or her know what type of music you prefer so that you can be sure that you will enjoy the music. Just make sure you add some classic wedding songs. After all, it’s not a wedding party if the DJ doesn’t play Lionel Richie!
Live Band
As well as DJs, live bands are a very popular choice for evening wedding entertainment. This is an especially popular choice for couples who really enjoy music and regularly go to gigs. There will be lots of great wedding bands in your local area, so it’s a good idea to take a look and see who you can get to play on your special day. Whether you prefer rock music or jazz, I’m sure you will be able to find someone that plays your kind of tunes!
Party Limo
There are now lots of firms, such as http://www.bergenlimo.com/fleet/new-jersey-nj/, that hire out large party limos for various celebrations. Why not incorporate these into your wedding’s evening celebrations? This is a really great idea if your wedding ceremony is going to be in a different venue to your evening party. It’s a super fun way to get all your guests from A to B!
Do you have a few friends and relatives who love to sing? If so, then they will dive head first into a karaoke party! You can either hire a karaoke bar, such as one of the ones mentioned at http://www.refinery29.com/the-best-karaoke-bars-in-nyc, or you can rent a karaoke machine to take to your reception venue. Either way, I’m sure all of your guests will love showing off their vocal skills or lack thereof!
No matter which one of these you choose, you are sure to have a great wedding party!
- Published on
look sharp
Believing in Yourself
Confidence is sometimes seen as a measure of how much you believe in yourself. Being able to go outside while wearing a suit and not feeling out of place? That’s confidence. The ability to stand up on a stage to speak to an audience? Confidence. Suggesting workplace changes to your boss for the sake of improving their business? Once again, confidence. If you believe in yourself and wash away the doubt, you’ll find that it’s much easier to live your life and make the right calls.
Appearances Matter
Your appearance is a huge part of your confidence. Whether it’s the clothes you wear or the smile you put on in public, your confidence can be determined by your outward appearance. You should keep yourself well-groomed, browse for custom suits that make you look comfortable and also practice better body language. Just remember that your appearance will be the first thing people see, and that’s how they will typically judge you the first time around.
Destroy Negativity
Negative thoughts are pointless, useless and don’t serve any purpose other than to scare you and make you doubt. If self-belief is one of the keys to a confident lifestyle, then lowering your worth and spreading negative thoughts is a quick way to destroying any belief you have in yourself.
Promote Positivity
On the contrary, promoting positivity is a sure way to bolster your own self-worth. Learning to spread positive messages and thinking in a positive manner will help you maintain our confidence. Being able to smile and think logically in the face of adversity, be it a problem at work or an issue at home, will help you deal with problems quickly and efficiently. Your positivity will eventually grow on people and become infectious, and people will see you as a driving force of positive energy that will motivate them.
Know Yourself
Knowing yourself is half the battle when aspiring for confidence. As mentioned before, confidence is how much you believe in yourself, but if you’re unsure about your own principles then this is almost impossible to achieve. Learn more about yourself by exploring things that you hide away from the public. Live the life you want to and embrace the thoughts and feelings you have. You’ll find it much easier to believe in yourself and grow confidence if you have a good understanding of your own personality.
There are many other ways to promote confidence in yourself, but these should give you a fantastic foundation to build upon. Just remember that finding confidence is an endless journey of self-discovery.
- Published on
1. Gallery
The first thing you'd want to see is the photographer's portfolio. This will at least introduce you to some of their works, and you get to gauge their styles and skills. While assessing the gallery, make use of the 12 principles of a photograph which are Impact, Creativity, Color Balance, Subject Matter, Composition, Style, Story Telling, Center of Interest, Presentation, Lighting and Technical Excellence.
Photographers have different ways of telling their story. And by going through their galleries, you are able to see a variety of photography styles that you think can be good for your wedding. If you are not sure about what works best, let photographers know your needs and expectations. They'll be able to develop a story for you based on your requirements. You could use a professional Vittore Buzzi photographer, that ensure you get cute wedding pictures for your everlasting memories.
2. Covers groundwork
If there is one thing that separates quality and ordinary photographers, that would be their planning skills. An excellent photographer will make sure they prepare well in advance, instead of just showing up during the wedding day.
Have a list ready that defines the activities of the day, speakers and moments you want to be photographed. It's important to do this so that every special moment is captured and nothing important is left out. Your photographer will then plan the best approach, angles and background to use.
3. Cost
Photography is one of the lucrative artistic work. Whether it's nature, documentary, food, architectural, landscape, fashion or wedding photography. Therefore, before hiring a photographer, be sure to compare several price packages and basing them on the type of photographs they take.
There are photographers with slightly cheaper packages than others, but you want to be sure they offer quality. Most professional photographers offer four types of packages. They include bronze, silver, gold and platinum. In other cases, photographers will charge based on some factors such as their brand name, labor and equipment used, operation cost and size of the event. Find a photographer that offers the most reasonable package and the best price possible.
When selecting a photographer for your wedding, it's always important to also bring your spouse on board. Although the two of you may not agree on some things, at least find common ground to accommodate all your preferences. With that said and done, tie the knot. Happy marriage.
- Published on
Here are some tips that will make your marriage a breeze.
1| Spending time together
Just because you’re married and have a house full of children does not mean that you stop spending time together - alone. If you have busy lives, then dedicate one evening a week or month as a date night. There are some great ideas you can use that don’t cost the moon.
2| Spending time apart
On the flip side, you can’t live in each other’s pockets for the next 50 years - that’s a sure fire way to drive each other insane. You might love each other to pieces, but you need to have some time apart to do your own thing and to spend time with your own friends.
3| Talking
You might think that you know everything about your partner, but as the year's pass, people change. Things that they believed or opinions they once had might not be the case anymore. Talking about the important things might not always be easy, but it’s vital to grow together.
4| Arguing
Whether you talk calmly or yell the roof down if you need to talk something through that you disagree about then do. Keeping it bottled up will just cause it to come out at a worse moment. But, whatever you do, don’t go to bed without making up. Even if you have to stay up all night, makeup before you sleep - you never know what will happen tomorrow.
5| Counseling
Sometimes there comes the point where a disagreement or a situation that can’t be solved overnight - or over a week. In these times looking into marriage counseling might be a good option - just to have an outsider's opinion can really help you to see each other with fresh eyes.
6| Have fun
Just because you’ve been together forever, doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. Just letting go and having a laugh is one of the best things to do with your partner - and it’s probably one of the reasons you fell in love in the first place. Go out and do something new or have fun at home, just don’t let the seriousness of grown-up life bog down your marriage.
7| Heat it up
There’s a misconception that intimacy dies after the honeymoon - but it isn’t true. Keep things hot in the bedroom just because you want to, and not for any other reason.
8| Be grateful
No matter what age you found your perfect partner, be grateful for the time you have with them. Even if you end in divorce, remember the good times and don’t let the bad destroy the parts of your relationship that were great. Don’t take them for granted. Whenever they make you a drink or dinner, when they just pick up your favorite treat for no reason or help you to get better when you’re ill - always be thankful for them.