- Published on
how long to wait for marriage proposal
Dating 8 Years Not Married
By Frank Kermit
There are times when people will come to me for coaching, feeling very frustrated that they are in long term relationships, but as yet, are still not married to the person they are involved with.
Sometimes it is a matter of the person promising that they will get married at a particular point in the future (when the kids are in college and out of the house), but then once that time point arrives, there is no future planning on getting married.
Other times I have seen people who told the partner that they do not believe in marriage and never plan to get married to which the partner says, “I understand”, only to have the same partner be frustrated because they secretly hoped that he or she would change their mind in a few years.
Finally, there are those cases where someone is too afraid to bring up the topic of wanting to get married out of a fear of potential conflict, so they stew in their frustrations of waiting for the other to bring it up. When the other does not bring up it, the person finds themselves erupting out of frustration and having a major fight that threatens to end the relationship.
None of these situations is acceptable.
Let me be frank with you and make it clear that if getting married is important to you, then it is best to find someone that already thinks the same way you do and to screen every date you have to find someone that is compatible with your beliefs.
In today’s society the resistance to getting married actually makes sense. Depending on your income level (the higher income partner risks alimony and child support payments), your status (if you are previously divorced and financial compromised), and your history of being a lousy judge of character, or a repeating behavior pattern of self-sabotage, then the risks of getting married can be very real. Not everyone aims to get married, even if they want to date, live together and even have children.
If you happen to be dating someone that tells you that they will marry you once a certain point of time happens, it comes down to whether or not you trust your own judge of character if you believe the person. I often mention that even if you have to wait for marriage, you do not necessarily have to wait to get engaged. This conversation tends to lead to any others reasons that someone might be holding back, and can be a very effective tool to finding out if the person means it, or is just using it as an excuse.
The bottom line is this: If you want to get married by a certain deadline, be sure to communicate that deadline to the person you are involved with. There is nothing wrong nor demanding in saying that if you are not married by (insert # of years of being together) then you will end the relationship. The key is to stick by your own words when you issue any ultimatum. If you do not stick by your own ultimatums, then why should your partner take you seriously about anything else you might claim is important to you? You cannot have it both ways. You cannot complain that something you want is not happening and then refuse to take action when what is so important to you is not being fulfilled.
Speak up for yourself, and be clear about your needs and expectations. Otherwise, you will not get what you want, and the only person you can blame is yourself.
To learn about the Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships and learn where and how marriage fits in: Click here to buy a copy of the Coaching Workbooks
For Men : I'm a Man, That's My Job
For Women : I'm a Woman, It's My Time
By Frank Kermit
There are times when people will come to me for coaching, feeling very frustrated that they are in long term relationships, but as yet, are still not married to the person they are involved with.
Sometimes it is a matter of the person promising that they will get married at a particular point in the future (when the kids are in college and out of the house), but then once that time point arrives, there is no future planning on getting married.
Other times I have seen people who told the partner that they do not believe in marriage and never plan to get married to which the partner says, “I understand”, only to have the same partner be frustrated because they secretly hoped that he or she would change their mind in a few years.
Finally, there are those cases where someone is too afraid to bring up the topic of wanting to get married out of a fear of potential conflict, so they stew in their frustrations of waiting for the other to bring it up. When the other does not bring up it, the person finds themselves erupting out of frustration and having a major fight that threatens to end the relationship.
None of these situations is acceptable.
Let me be frank with you and make it clear that if getting married is important to you, then it is best to find someone that already thinks the same way you do and to screen every date you have to find someone that is compatible with your beliefs.
In today’s society the resistance to getting married actually makes sense. Depending on your income level (the higher income partner risks alimony and child support payments), your status (if you are previously divorced and financial compromised), and your history of being a lousy judge of character, or a repeating behavior pattern of self-sabotage, then the risks of getting married can be very real. Not everyone aims to get married, even if they want to date, live together and even have children.
If you happen to be dating someone that tells you that they will marry you once a certain point of time happens, it comes down to whether or not you trust your own judge of character if you believe the person. I often mention that even if you have to wait for marriage, you do not necessarily have to wait to get engaged. This conversation tends to lead to any others reasons that someone might be holding back, and can be a very effective tool to finding out if the person means it, or is just using it as an excuse.
The bottom line is this: If you want to get married by a certain deadline, be sure to communicate that deadline to the person you are involved with. There is nothing wrong nor demanding in saying that if you are not married by (insert # of years of being together) then you will end the relationship. The key is to stick by your own words when you issue any ultimatum. If you do not stick by your own ultimatums, then why should your partner take you seriously about anything else you might claim is important to you? You cannot have it both ways. You cannot complain that something you want is not happening and then refuse to take action when what is so important to you is not being fulfilled.
Speak up for yourself, and be clear about your needs and expectations. Otherwise, you will not get what you want, and the only person you can blame is yourself.
To learn about the Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships and learn where and how marriage fits in: Click here to buy a copy of the Coaching Workbooks
For Men : I'm a Man, That's My Job
For Women : I'm a Woman, It's My Time
Coach For Singles
- Published on
This is a contributed post.
Starting a family and getting married can all come at you so fast. It’s a good thing to question whether you’re ready to make such a big commitment in your life. If you don’t question these things and whether now is the time for you to push ahead, you might make the wrong call for you. That’s the last thing you need, so don’t let it come to that.
Instead, be honest with your partner and discuss the practical challenges that the pair of you are likely to face when starting a family and tying the knot. These practical areas of concern might not be romantic, but it’s the practical things that will hit you hardest later on.
Timing
First of all, you need to think about the timing of all this. Is now the right time for you to be starting a family and settling down with a partner who you aim to stay with for the rest of your life? Questioning that is nothing to be ashamed of; it’s perfectly natural. We all have to find our own way, and you don’t have an obligation to anyone if you’re not ready to do something yet.
There are other ways in which timing should be considered too. For example, if you are entering middle age and you still want to have children, you will have to think about biology. Of course, there are things you can do to have children later in life now, but it’s something that is worth keeping in mind. You don’t want to regret things later.
Instead, be honest with your partner and discuss the practical challenges that the pair of you are likely to face when starting a family and tying the knot. These practical areas of concern might not be romantic, but it’s the practical things that will hit you hardest later on.
Timing
First of all, you need to think about the timing of all this. Is now the right time for you to be starting a family and settling down with a partner who you aim to stay with for the rest of your life? Questioning that is nothing to be ashamed of; it’s perfectly natural. We all have to find our own way, and you don’t have an obligation to anyone if you’re not ready to do something yet.
There are other ways in which timing should be considered too. For example, if you are entering middle age and you still want to have children, you will have to think about biology. Of course, there are things you can do to have children later in life now, but it’s something that is worth keeping in mind. You don’t want to regret things later.
country date night https://static.pexels.com/photos/40525/pexels-photo-40525.jpeg
Financial Issues
Money is a big part of any long-term relationship. You need to find a way to make it work financially for the both of you. And looking at how the balance of financial obligation is going to work between you is key. Talking about these things openly and frankly is always the best way to do things. That way, everyone will know where they stand.
The other thing to think about is whether you should put a prenuptial agreement in place. Some solicitors or law firms can provide expert advice if that’s something you want to do. It will mean that if the marriage doesn’t turn out as planned, the finances will be clear and no one will have to argue over money. Finally, think about whether you have the money to start a family and maintain your lifestyle. Raising kids isn’t cheap.
gold coins https://static.pexels.com/photos/2116/money-gold-coins-finance.jpg
Career Concerns
Last but not least, you should think about how your family and marital plans fit in with your career. For many people, their jobs and careers are the most important things of all to them. And there is nothing at all wrong with that. But it can be challenging to keep your career on track while raising a family.
It could be a better idea to wait until your career is in a more stable place before starting a family if you feel like you are stilling growing fast in your job. That way, your career will be less hectic when the times comes to have children and take on fatherly or motherly responsibilities for the first time.
Last but not least, you should think about how your family and marital plans fit in with your career. For many people, their jobs and careers are the most important things of all to them. And there is nothing at all wrong with that. But it can be challenging to keep your career on track while raising a family.
It could be a better idea to wait until your career is in a more stable place before starting a family if you feel like you are stilling growing fast in your job. That way, your career will be less hectic when the times comes to have children and take on fatherly or motherly responsibilities for the first time.
corporate ladder meme https://cdn.pixabay.com/photo/2014/02/09/13/58/career-262793_960_720.jpg
- Published on
sharing secrets in a relationship
Pre-Marital Disclosure:
What to do after you get engaged
By Frank Kermit
This is an article for couples that are now engaged, I wish you congratulations on getting the "yes"! Welcome to the next level of the development of your relationship. Beware...if you thought getting to this stage was hard, you are about to embark on an even more challenging endeavor: The period of time where you and your partner are testing the waters to see if marriage is going to work out for you.
When working with couples that are discussing marriage, or have gotten engaged, but have concerns about their ability to maintain a lasting relationship, I always encourage the couple to sit down and have a Frank Disclosure
It is time you and your now fiancé embark on a very challenging journey...to share every secret you each have that could potentially end a marriage that has not even begun yet.
We all have secrets. Some secrets you can keep to yourself, but other secrets, if exposed, can ruin your marriage. So the question is, what do you have to tell your future spouse?
The answer is, you must tell your spouse everything you believe might cause your spouse not to marry you. If you happen to be thinking that you could NEVER tell your fiancé about X...well that X is exactly what you need to tell them now.
Does your fiancé need to know everything? In today's world of social media and recorded history...well actually, yes you do. If you chose to safe guard certain truths from you past, at least, you must share those truths that would cripple your relationship if your fiancé ever found out.
For example, if you know that your fiancé would never tolerate dating someone who currently does certain types of illegal drugs, and although you currently do not do any illegal drugs, but you did so in your past, it is important to let your fiancé know. Your fiancé may stay, your fiancé may go but it is important to give your fiancé the chance to make an informed decision, even if it could lead to the end of your current relationship.
Chances are your fiancé will eventually find out, and when that happens, any assumption you might have had that it would no longer be an issue goes out with window, as the divorce papers come riding in. Keep in mind a break up today is a lot less detrimental to your emotional health than a divorce tomorrow from a marriage that was based on omissions of truths.
Here is another example; have you ever posed nude for photos or made a sex tape that is in the hands of an ex? Even if your fiancé does not mind the fact that you did or did not, your fiancé should at least be shown the courtesy of being ready for the day when your vindictive ex makes those images or videos publicly available or posted them on the internet. We never know what can happen in our futures.
Something like this could simply blow over...or it could be detrimental to a career (yours or your fiancé). It would also be a good idea to tell your fiancé before you have children together as your children will share in the fortunes and hardships you experience as a couple. Consider that your kids might get mercilessly teased and bullied in high school when intimate showing of either mom or dad catch up to them. You cannot control the actions of a crazy ex but you can at least have your team be informed of the potential play hazards and take whatever precautions may be necessary.
If you just got engaged, and want to have a disclosure with your partner, consider all the things you can and cannot handle. Take into account your boundaries and deal breakers. Really think about what your values are and how you want those values to be enacted in your life daily. Here are some things you might want to share with your fiancé if you want the best chances of making your marriage last a lifetime. Do either of you have a child out of wedlock that was given up for adoption who may come back into your lives in 20 yrs? Have either of you worked as a sex worker (stripper/ prostitute/ pimp/ driver) at any point in time?
Have you ever had a secret friends-with-benefits liaison with someone that your families will insist attend the wedding? Where either of you ever hospitalized for a suicide attempt? Have either of you ever been on medication for a mental illness that you may relapse into? Have either of you been arrested, incarcerated or have a criminal record? Were either of you dating someone else when you initially met? Have either of you been a party to cheating on past partners, or were the "other" person in an affair? Do either of you have some form of fetish, or alternative sexual lifestyle, or sexual orientation that your current partner does not know about? Have either of you participated in a wild-nature relationship that your current partner would not be able to handle?
In some cases, your fiancé just might not care about your past. If that is the case, then sharing this information will help the couple bond, and make your relationship stronger. It will prevent your enemies, that WANT to see your relationship fail, from being able to use either of your past histories to turn you against each other.
In other cases, your fiancé will care. Your fiancé may have certain beliefs about relationships and life, such that your past, or accepting your past (and vice versa) is just not feasible. In a perfect world, a person's past would not matter, and the love of your life would be accepting of everything about you. We do not live in a perfect world. For that reason, you need to know, and your future spouse needs to know. You are investing your life and all of your resources into this relationship including your bodies, your souls and banking on future children. Make your marriage strong by making an informed decision.
What to do after you get engaged
By Frank Kermit
This is an article for couples that are now engaged, I wish you congratulations on getting the "yes"! Welcome to the next level of the development of your relationship. Beware...if you thought getting to this stage was hard, you are about to embark on an even more challenging endeavor: The period of time where you and your partner are testing the waters to see if marriage is going to work out for you.
When working with couples that are discussing marriage, or have gotten engaged, but have concerns about their ability to maintain a lasting relationship, I always encourage the couple to sit down and have a Frank Disclosure
It is time you and your now fiancé embark on a very challenging journey...to share every secret you each have that could potentially end a marriage that has not even begun yet.
We all have secrets. Some secrets you can keep to yourself, but other secrets, if exposed, can ruin your marriage. So the question is, what do you have to tell your future spouse?
The answer is, you must tell your spouse everything you believe might cause your spouse not to marry you. If you happen to be thinking that you could NEVER tell your fiancé about X...well that X is exactly what you need to tell them now.
Does your fiancé need to know everything? In today's world of social media and recorded history...well actually, yes you do. If you chose to safe guard certain truths from you past, at least, you must share those truths that would cripple your relationship if your fiancé ever found out.
For example, if you know that your fiancé would never tolerate dating someone who currently does certain types of illegal drugs, and although you currently do not do any illegal drugs, but you did so in your past, it is important to let your fiancé know. Your fiancé may stay, your fiancé may go but it is important to give your fiancé the chance to make an informed decision, even if it could lead to the end of your current relationship.
Chances are your fiancé will eventually find out, and when that happens, any assumption you might have had that it would no longer be an issue goes out with window, as the divorce papers come riding in. Keep in mind a break up today is a lot less detrimental to your emotional health than a divorce tomorrow from a marriage that was based on omissions of truths.
Here is another example; have you ever posed nude for photos or made a sex tape that is in the hands of an ex? Even if your fiancé does not mind the fact that you did or did not, your fiancé should at least be shown the courtesy of being ready for the day when your vindictive ex makes those images or videos publicly available or posted them on the internet. We never know what can happen in our futures.
Something like this could simply blow over...or it could be detrimental to a career (yours or your fiancé). It would also be a good idea to tell your fiancé before you have children together as your children will share in the fortunes and hardships you experience as a couple. Consider that your kids might get mercilessly teased and bullied in high school when intimate showing of either mom or dad catch up to them. You cannot control the actions of a crazy ex but you can at least have your team be informed of the potential play hazards and take whatever precautions may be necessary.
If you just got engaged, and want to have a disclosure with your partner, consider all the things you can and cannot handle. Take into account your boundaries and deal breakers. Really think about what your values are and how you want those values to be enacted in your life daily. Here are some things you might want to share with your fiancé if you want the best chances of making your marriage last a lifetime. Do either of you have a child out of wedlock that was given up for adoption who may come back into your lives in 20 yrs? Have either of you worked as a sex worker (stripper/ prostitute/ pimp/ driver) at any point in time?
Have you ever had a secret friends-with-benefits liaison with someone that your families will insist attend the wedding? Where either of you ever hospitalized for a suicide attempt? Have either of you ever been on medication for a mental illness that you may relapse into? Have either of you been arrested, incarcerated or have a criminal record? Were either of you dating someone else when you initially met? Have either of you been a party to cheating on past partners, or were the "other" person in an affair? Do either of you have some form of fetish, or alternative sexual lifestyle, or sexual orientation that your current partner does not know about? Have either of you participated in a wild-nature relationship that your current partner would not be able to handle?
In some cases, your fiancé just might not care about your past. If that is the case, then sharing this information will help the couple bond, and make your relationship stronger. It will prevent your enemies, that WANT to see your relationship fail, from being able to use either of your past histories to turn you against each other.
In other cases, your fiancé will care. Your fiancé may have certain beliefs about relationships and life, such that your past, or accepting your past (and vice versa) is just not feasible. In a perfect world, a person's past would not matter, and the love of your life would be accepting of everything about you. We do not live in a perfect world. For that reason, you need to know, and your future spouse needs to know. You are investing your life and all of your resources into this relationship including your bodies, your souls and banking on future children. Make your marriage strong by making an informed decision.
Couples Coach
- Published on
This is a contributed post.
Got a friend tying the knot soon? You’re probably already looking forward to celebrating their last few nights of freedom! Hosting an epic bachelor party is the only way to send your friend off, and it’s best to start planning early.
Don’t just go for the traditional beer and stripper night in Vegas- it’s old and contrived! Instead, do something everyone will enjoy and remember for a long time to come. The best way to celebrate is on a trip with the guys, and there are a wealth of locations to consider.
Gambling and drinking is one way to celebrate, but it’s better to find out the groom’s interests and find something fun and unique. Find destinations with plenty of fun activities to take in. You can still relax and party later on! Here are some of the best bachelor party trip ideas you might not have considered.
Go To Barcelona
Don’t just go for the traditional beer and stripper night in Vegas- it’s old and contrived! Instead, do something everyone will enjoy and remember for a long time to come. The best way to celebrate is on a trip with the guys, and there are a wealth of locations to consider.
Gambling and drinking is one way to celebrate, but it’s better to find out the groom’s interests and find something fun and unique. Find destinations with plenty of fun activities to take in. You can still relax and party later on! Here are some of the best bachelor party trip ideas you might not have considered.
Go To Barcelona
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Night_view_seen_from_Palau_Nacional_(Barcelona).JPG
The famous city in Spain is a fantastic place to hang out all year round. Even in the midsts of winter, you can enjoy warm days on the beach with a few beers. You could even get in the water for some surfing or take a speedboat tour to the sea.
Even away from the beaches, you can find plenty of fun things to do with a group. If you’re feeling competitive, take the guys for some high-adrenaline karting. You can put your driving skills to the test at breakneck speeds. You could also try something novel like bubble football. You might even want to go bungee jumping for a real thrill!
It’s a great city for sports fans too. There’s plenty of places to play soccer, and you could also take in some beach volleyball. There’s also an opportunity to watch one of the best sports teams in the world at Camp Nou, the home of FC Barcelona.
You can get delicious food at top restaurants offering things like tapas, steak, and seafood. The nightlife is fantastic too, with plenty of bars and clubs where people of all ages can have the time of their lives.
Take On Toronto
Even away from the beaches, you can find plenty of fun things to do with a group. If you’re feeling competitive, take the guys for some high-adrenaline karting. You can put your driving skills to the test at breakneck speeds. You could also try something novel like bubble football. You might even want to go bungee jumping for a real thrill!
It’s a great city for sports fans too. There’s plenty of places to play soccer, and you could also take in some beach volleyball. There’s also an opportunity to watch one of the best sports teams in the world at Camp Nou, the home of FC Barcelona.
You can get delicious food at top restaurants offering things like tapas, steak, and seafood. The nightlife is fantastic too, with plenty of bars and clubs where people of all ages can have the time of their lives.
Take On Toronto
bachelor party ideas Toronto https://pixabay.com/p-1298016/?no_redirect
Places like New York and Las Vegas may get most of the hype for North American bachelor parties. But if you venture further north, you can get plenty of thrills in the capital of Ontario! It’s a buzzing city full of gambling spots, but it has plenty more to offer for your bachelor trip.
You can go on a bar crawl around the best bars in Toronto. With rooftop venues, sports bars, and trendy spots, there’s plenty to try out. There are many craft pubs too, so you can sample some great ales from Canada and the rest of the world.
Away from the nightlife, you might want to check out the Hockey Hall of Fame. It’s the home of the Stanley Cup, making it a mecca for NHL fans. It also has some great exhibits and an extensive collection of hockey memorabilia.
It’s also a city full of manly activities. You can check out shooting ranges, archery, and there’s even an axe-throwing league! There’s plenty of options for accommodation. No matter how big your group, you’ll find plenty of fun things to do here.
Camp Out
You can go on a bar crawl around the best bars in Toronto. With rooftop venues, sports bars, and trendy spots, there’s plenty to try out. There are many craft pubs too, so you can sample some great ales from Canada and the rest of the world.
Away from the nightlife, you might want to check out the Hockey Hall of Fame. It’s the home of the Stanley Cup, making it a mecca for NHL fans. It also has some great exhibits and an extensive collection of hockey memorabilia.
It’s also a city full of manly activities. You can check out shooting ranges, archery, and there’s even an axe-throwing league! There’s plenty of options for accommodation. No matter how big your group, you’ll find plenty of fun things to do here.
Camp Out
bachelor party ideas camping https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Halfmoon_Creek_Camping_Trip_-_October_2008.png
Nothing beats spending time with your buddies in the great outdoors. Instead of partying it up for your bachelor trip, why not try out some camping? It’s an activity every guy can enjoy, especially when you bring food and booze along!
You can check out some of the best places to camp in the USA or even look further afield. No matter where you go, take a truck and pack it with plenty of camping gear. Bring enough tents for everyone- you won’t want to share! Bring the snacks and drinks along, also.
Building a campfire is a must. All you need is some matches to get it going- although you may also want some lighter fluid to help. With a camping grill, you can cook up burgers, bacon, and all kinds of other great camping foods. Of course, you could also roast marshmallows!
As an alternative to pitching tents, you might want to rent out a cabin. It can give you space for all your party to sleep. It’s much more comfortable- especially in the depths of winter! But don’t let it stop you from getting outdoors, taking in some fishing, and spending time around the campfire.
Playing drinking games and telling stories around the campfire is a great male bonding experience. But you never know what might happen on your camping bachelor trip. One bachelor party rescued a family of puppies in the woods of Tennessee!
Head To Bangkok
You can check out some of the best places to camp in the USA or even look further afield. No matter where you go, take a truck and pack it with plenty of camping gear. Bring enough tents for everyone- you won’t want to share! Bring the snacks and drinks along, also.
Building a campfire is a must. All you need is some matches to get it going- although you may also want some lighter fluid to help. With a camping grill, you can cook up burgers, bacon, and all kinds of other great camping foods. Of course, you could also roast marshmallows!
As an alternative to pitching tents, you might want to rent out a cabin. It can give you space for all your party to sleep. It’s much more comfortable- especially in the depths of winter! But don’t let it stop you from getting outdoors, taking in some fishing, and spending time around the campfire.
Playing drinking games and telling stories around the campfire is a great male bonding experience. But you never know what might happen on your camping bachelor trip. One bachelor party rescued a family of puppies in the woods of Tennessee!
Head To Bangkok
bachelor party ideas Bangkok https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Khao_San_Road_at_night_by_kevinpoh.jpg
Bangkok is known for its crazy nightlife and wild shows on every corner. It’s definitely a city full of debauchery, but there’s much more to it that makes it an ideal bachelor party location.
One of the best things about heading to Bangkok is how cheap it is. Tourists love Thailand, and Thailand loves tourists. There are hotels everywhere with shockingly cheap prices. Many are near fantastic beaches and nightlife hotspots, so it’s perfect for your bachelor trip.
It’s also rife with cheap daytime activities. You might want to get some thrills by taking your party ziplining. You can even trek out into the wild on their guided jungle tours. It’s also a fantastic location for golfing, so you can relax with the guys and hit some holes.
It’s another city known for high temperatures year round. You’ll have plenty of fun with your friends in the hot Bangkok sun.
Hit The Road
bachelor party ideas road trip http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=121777&picture=chevrolet-explorer-rv-campervan
If you can’t think of one place to go, why not go everywhere? Hit the road with your party and try out every place on the way!
There are a couple of ways you can go about it. If you have a car to accommodate the whole party, you can rent cheap accommodation everywhere you stop. But you might have more fun renting out a huge RV where everyone can sleep!
Get some road trip essentials and plan out a route. Emergency equipment and dry snacks are helpful. You could also bring a cooler for the passengers to store their drinks. No matter where you go, you’ll have a hell of a time road tripping together!
There are a couple of ways you can go about it. If you have a car to accommodate the whole party, you can rent cheap accommodation everywhere you stop. But you might have more fun renting out a huge RV where everyone can sleep!
Get some road trip essentials and plan out a route. Emergency equipment and dry snacks are helpful. You could also bring a cooler for the passengers to store their drinks. No matter where you go, you’ll have a hell of a time road tripping together!
- Published on
The question of living together before marriage comes up most often in my work, when helping couples through pre-marriage coaching, and helping singles figure out their boundaries and personal moral code on their path to finding a life partner.
Is Living Together Before Marriage
a Good Idea?
By Frank Kermit
The question of living together before marriage comes up most often in my work, when helping couples through pre-marriage coaching, and helping singles figure out their boundaries and personal moral code on their path to finding a life partner.
The first place to start when answering this question is whether or not there are any cultural or religious reasons not to live together out of wedlock.
Advice needs to take into account the personal beliefs of the individuals and not force anyone to violate their own sense of right and wrong.
What may be appropriate for one group of people may not be acceptable for another group of people.
In cases where the couple may not have any such issues with living together prior to being married, but the family members close to the couple would not find it acceptable, the next question for that couple to explore is the importance of maintaining familial relations compared to following their own path.
Depending on how close people are to their extended families, and whether or not said families would cast out those who defy family social norms, may factor in greatly to the decision of living together.
With all that said, if there are no cultural or religious practices obstructing the couple from living together before marriage, I would generally counsel that it is a good experience to live together first.
To be clear, there are benefits of living together prior to being married (and if not to get married, then to test the waters for a life partnership and child rearing in the case of raising a family), which favor the couple that learns everything they can about each other.
There are things that you find out about your spouse-to-be only through living with them such as their grooming habits (or lack thereof), their ability to cope with being sick, and how they handle the stresses of everyday life.
Living together is one of the best ways to force an end to any remaining remnants of a honeymoon phase.
Best to know these things about your future spouse before becoming the spouse.
If there was one caveat that I would recommend, it is that living together must be a prelude to getting more serious.
If there is no interest in being serious long term, then do not move in together regardless of any convenience or incentives it may offer.
The best way to insure that neither member of the couple is wasting time with the wrong partner is to set a deadline to ensure that at some point, the couple that is just-living-together, will in time become the couple that is engaged.
If the deadline is reached after living together for a certain time period and the couple has not moved their relationship to the next level, take it as a red flag to end the relationship.
Frank Kermit
a Good Idea?
By Frank Kermit
The question of living together before marriage comes up most often in my work, when helping couples through pre-marriage coaching, and helping singles figure out their boundaries and personal moral code on their path to finding a life partner.
The first place to start when answering this question is whether or not there are any cultural or religious reasons not to live together out of wedlock.
Advice needs to take into account the personal beliefs of the individuals and not force anyone to violate their own sense of right and wrong.
What may be appropriate for one group of people may not be acceptable for another group of people.
In cases where the couple may not have any such issues with living together prior to being married, but the family members close to the couple would not find it acceptable, the next question for that couple to explore is the importance of maintaining familial relations compared to following their own path.
Depending on how close people are to their extended families, and whether or not said families would cast out those who defy family social norms, may factor in greatly to the decision of living together.
With all that said, if there are no cultural or religious practices obstructing the couple from living together before marriage, I would generally counsel that it is a good experience to live together first.
To be clear, there are benefits of living together prior to being married (and if not to get married, then to test the waters for a life partnership and child rearing in the case of raising a family), which favor the couple that learns everything they can about each other.
There are things that you find out about your spouse-to-be only through living with them such as their grooming habits (or lack thereof), their ability to cope with being sick, and how they handle the stresses of everyday life.
Living together is one of the best ways to force an end to any remaining remnants of a honeymoon phase.
Best to know these things about your future spouse before becoming the spouse.
If there was one caveat that I would recommend, it is that living together must be a prelude to getting more serious.
If there is no interest in being serious long term, then do not move in together regardless of any convenience or incentives it may offer.
The best way to insure that neither member of the couple is wasting time with the wrong partner is to set a deadline to ensure that at some point, the couple that is just-living-together, will in time become the couple that is engaged.
If the deadline is reached after living together for a certain time period and the couple has not moved their relationship to the next level, take it as a red flag to end the relationship.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
This is a contributed post.
Marriage Contract https://cdn.pixabay.com/photo/2015/02/01/07/58/divorce-619195_960_720.jpg
Marriage is never easy. After the honeymoon period ends, it can feel like a battlefield. Keeping the romance alive is hard. Having to consider someone else’s feelings at every turn can be a real challenge. For the most part, that challenge will be worthwhile. Being so connected to someone can be a real reward if you put the effort in to make it work. There comes a time, though, when that effort is too much. All marriages need work, but sometimes it can feel as though the work has replaced the good times. At this point, it might be necessary to say goodbye. Here are some signs that things have gone too far.
RESENTMENT
If you start resenting each other, it can be hard to get back to a good place. Resentment can kill the best relationship. That resentment can take on many different forms. It may be that you blame your partner for holding you back in life, or maybe you just resent the way they act. You may feel as though your partner has stolen an important part of yourself. Maybe you just resent the fact that you do all the giving in the relationship. Whatever the cause is, there’s no room for a destructive emotion like resentment in a marriage. As soon as resentment creeps in, the blame game will soon follow. These types of emotion can kill any love between you. Divorce is not an easy choice to come to. If resentment has replaced any feelings of love, it may be the only option left.
DISTANCE
The distance between you and your partner is about more than just physical space. It’s possible to live in the same house as someone, and still feel far from them. Distance can grow in any relationship, and it doesn’t have to mean the end. The larger the gap, the harder it will be to come back from it. A growing distance between the two of you may mean that you are going in opposite directions. If you feel a gap growing, it’s worth sitting your partner down and asking how they feel about it. Communication is a great way to bridge gaps, and if you both agree to make more effort, you may be able to save your love. If the conversation ends in another argument, or nothing seems resolved, it may be time to call it a day. Do you and your partner tell each other about your days? Do you still maintain a physical intimacy? If you are blocking each other out, it may be a sign that distance is growing between you.
RESENTMENT
If you start resenting each other, it can be hard to get back to a good place. Resentment can kill the best relationship. That resentment can take on many different forms. It may be that you blame your partner for holding you back in life, or maybe you just resent the way they act. You may feel as though your partner has stolen an important part of yourself. Maybe you just resent the fact that you do all the giving in the relationship. Whatever the cause is, there’s no room for a destructive emotion like resentment in a marriage. As soon as resentment creeps in, the blame game will soon follow. These types of emotion can kill any love between you. Divorce is not an easy choice to come to. If resentment has replaced any feelings of love, it may be the only option left.
DISTANCE
The distance between you and your partner is about more than just physical space. It’s possible to live in the same house as someone, and still feel far from them. Distance can grow in any relationship, and it doesn’t have to mean the end. The larger the gap, the harder it will be to come back from it. A growing distance between the two of you may mean that you are going in opposite directions. If you feel a gap growing, it’s worth sitting your partner down and asking how they feel about it. Communication is a great way to bridge gaps, and if you both agree to make more effort, you may be able to save your love. If the conversation ends in another argument, or nothing seems resolved, it may be time to call it a day. Do you and your partner tell each other about your days? Do you still maintain a physical intimacy? If you are blocking each other out, it may be a sign that distance is growing between you.
resentment https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/af/Unhappy_couple.jpg
ARGUMENTS
Arguments happen in any relationship. Love is never a smooth road, and sometimes you’re going to annoy each other. A sign that arguments have gone too far is when they happen on a regular basis. Do you snap at each other every time you speak? Do you stay angry at each other for days? These could be signs that things have gone too far.
Arguments happen in any relationship. Love is never a smooth road, and sometimes you’re going to annoy each other. A sign that arguments have gone too far is when they happen on a regular basis. Do you snap at each other every time you speak? Do you stay angry at each other for days? These could be signs that things have gone too far.
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This is a contributed post.
While traditions are beautiful, it’s important to remember that your wedding day is ultimately about you and your partner. You can follow traditions, but you don't have to be completely bound by them. And so if you want to do things a little differently or break the mold- go for it! It’s the perfect time to get creative, and really have fun with all of the little details. Here are just a few of the ways you can bring in a fantastic, personal element into your wedding.
A Wedding Website
Wedding websites are becoming more and more common, and are a great addition to your wedding. You can link your wedding gift list from here, information about how to find the venue and even photos and stories about you and your partner. It’s interactive since guests will be able to post comments, and is a fun way to get people involved and build up to the big day.
Stationery
Your wedding stationery is one of the first things your guests will see about your big day, so you’ll want to make a good impression. It might also give them clues to your wedding such as the style and colors you are going to use. You could have a designer create something for you, or even have a go yourself if you have good design skills. Alternatively, you could invest in personalised wedding stationery from Paper Themes or similar companies offering this service.
A Wedding Website
Wedding websites are becoming more and more common, and are a great addition to your wedding. You can link your wedding gift list from here, information about how to find the venue and even photos and stories about you and your partner. It’s interactive since guests will be able to post comments, and is a fun way to get people involved and build up to the big day.
Stationery
Your wedding stationery is one of the first things your guests will see about your big day, so you’ll want to make a good impression. It might also give them clues to your wedding such as the style and colors you are going to use. You could have a designer create something for you, or even have a go yourself if you have good design skills. Alternatively, you could invest in personalised wedding stationery from Paper Themes or similar companies offering this service.
Wedding Invitations https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6b/DreamDay_Invitations_-_Birdcage_Wedding_Invitations.jpg
Favours
Wedding favours are a fun way to show your guests your appreciation for coming and are an excellent way to get creative. If you have a smaller wedding, you could personalise them to each guest. But if that’s not possible you could put together different favours for men, women and children. It could be anything from confectionery to a miniature candle to bath products to a miniature bottle of champagne. You could even get crafty and make something yourself. Although it might be best to do this well ahead of time since you’re likely to be busy close to the day itself. Decide on the kinds of things your guests are most likely to enjoy and put together a favour based on that.
Wedding Rings
There’s nothing wrong with a beautiful store bought the wedding ring. But if you’re looking to take it a step further, why not have bespoke rings made? This gives you full control about the metal, any stone placements, the width and just the overall look of the rings. Plus if you wanted to go with something a bit more unusual that you’re not likely to find pre-made then this is a good way to go. You know that no-one else is going to have the exact same piece and it’s totally personalised to you and your partner.
Wedding Cake and/ or Cake Topper
Even if you want to stick with quite a traditionally themed wedding, the cake is one area that you can really have fun with. There are tons of absolutely incredible wedding cake designers out there. They are able to put you together something that’s completely unique. If an alternative wedding cake is a little out of your comfort zone, why not personalise it with a fun topper instead? You can have these designed to look like you and your partner on places like Etsy. They don’t even have to be human looking versions of you. It could be anything from animals to aliens depending on what reflects your interests the most!
Dogs
Our dogs really are part of the family, and so if you want them to be a part of your big day then why not? Check with the venue to see if there are any restrictions, at the very least you should be able to have some photos taken with them outdoors with your guests. Providing your dog is social and comfortable being in groups of people, if not you could just arrange some photos with you the dog and the groom. Since you and your wedding party are likely to be busy on the day itself, your best bet would be to hire a pet sitter. They can bring them in when needed and then drop them back at home afterwards without you having to mess around or worry.
Wedding favours are a fun way to show your guests your appreciation for coming and are an excellent way to get creative. If you have a smaller wedding, you could personalise them to each guest. But if that’s not possible you could put together different favours for men, women and children. It could be anything from confectionery to a miniature candle to bath products to a miniature bottle of champagne. You could even get crafty and make something yourself. Although it might be best to do this well ahead of time since you’re likely to be busy close to the day itself. Decide on the kinds of things your guests are most likely to enjoy and put together a favour based on that.
Wedding Rings
There’s nothing wrong with a beautiful store bought the wedding ring. But if you’re looking to take it a step further, why not have bespoke rings made? This gives you full control about the metal, any stone placements, the width and just the overall look of the rings. Plus if you wanted to go with something a bit more unusual that you’re not likely to find pre-made then this is a good way to go. You know that no-one else is going to have the exact same piece and it’s totally personalised to you and your partner.
Wedding Cake and/ or Cake Topper
Even if you want to stick with quite a traditionally themed wedding, the cake is one area that you can really have fun with. There are tons of absolutely incredible wedding cake designers out there. They are able to put you together something that’s completely unique. If an alternative wedding cake is a little out of your comfort zone, why not personalise it with a fun topper instead? You can have these designed to look like you and your partner on places like Etsy. They don’t even have to be human looking versions of you. It could be anything from animals to aliens depending on what reflects your interests the most!
Dogs
Our dogs really are part of the family, and so if you want them to be a part of your big day then why not? Check with the venue to see if there are any restrictions, at the very least you should be able to have some photos taken with them outdoors with your guests. Providing your dog is social and comfortable being in groups of people, if not you could just arrange some photos with you the dog and the groom. Since you and your wedding party are likely to be busy on the day itself, your best bet would be to hire a pet sitter. They can bring them in when needed and then drop them back at home afterwards without you having to mess around or worry.
Wedding Dog https://pixabay.com/static/uploads/photo/2015/01/22/19/36/dog-608211_960_720.jpg
Shoes
Since most wedding dresses are full length, it means the bride is able to have fun with shoe choices. On the outside, it can look like you’re dressed very traditionally. But underneath you could be wearing anything from big gothic boots or bright pink converse! It’s a nice way to bring in your personality in a more subtle way. They can be shown in certain photos, but the rest can stay looking traditional and bridal if that’s what you prefer.
Since most wedding dresses are full length, it means the bride is able to have fun with shoe choices. On the outside, it can look like you’re dressed very traditionally. But underneath you could be wearing anything from big gothic boots or bright pink converse! It’s a nice way to bring in your personality in a more subtle way. They can be shown in certain photos, but the rest can stay looking traditional and bridal if that’s what you prefer.
Wedding Dance https://pixabay.com/static/uploads/photo/2015/02/14/02/18/bridal-636018_960_720.jpg
Flowers
Flowers can be an expensive element of a wedding, but if you plan it well, you can save costs and make it more personal. Growing your own, and asking friends and family to grow some blooms to or contribute some from their gardens is a fantastic option. You could also pick wildflowers (although make sure you check it’s legal from where you’re picking them from- certain areas will be restricted) which is an inexpensive way to add some rustic charm to your wedding. Alternatively, you could decorate your wedding with balloons to keep flower costs down. This way you’re able to bring in your wedding colors and brighten up the reception room without having to fill every area with flowers. You can buy ‘balloon arches’ and other types of arrangements for weddings. Then all you need is a helium machine and plenty of balloons in your wedding colors.
Guestbook
There are so many creative wedding guest book ideas online that you could incorporate into your wedding. A particularly good one is to leave out a Polaroid camera and have guests snap pictures of themselves and write a message on the back. Then you can display the images however you want. For example, you could clip them onto pieces of string inside a photo frame, and turn them into a piece of wall art to remember your wedding day.
- Published on
This is a contributed post.
Sunset Proposal https://pixabay.com/en/lovers-pair-love-sunset-romance-1259124/
Planning to propose is one of the most nerve-wracking times of a man's life. This is a decision that is going to influence the rest of your life - not being nervous about it is a bad sign. This is something that you should be taking very seriously indeed.
It's made all the harder when the expectations on the proposal itself - not just what it signifies - are becoming greater. No long is it enough to want to spend your life with someone; you're now expected to have a great story to tell when people ask how it happened.
Given the magnitude of what's ahead, perhaps it's time to look at the other perspective. Women who have been proposed to have the best take of all of what the experience should be like, and here's their thoughts. So as not to embarrass anyone, they have chosen to share their stories on condition of anonymity. Names have been changed for the same reason.
"I wish it had been more straightforward."
Anna was proposed to by her boyfriend, Tom, after two years of dating. "He did a big thing," she recalls. "Gathered around our family and friends, had a whole speech planned out and even had a song. It was sweet, but I think I'd have preferred the moment to be about just us. It depends on the woman, but sometimes, less is more."
They married six months ago and are now expecting their first child.
"I was disappointed by the ring."
Adrienne and Josh had been together for five years, but the proposal was still unexpected. "I was worried by it, to be honest," she admits. "The ring was not something I would choose at all. It made me wonder how well he knew me. I love Tacori wedding rings and anything with a modern twist, but this was very standard engagement ring. I don't care about price, but it would have been nice to think he'd put some effort in."
Nevertheless, they married. Adrienne has yet to tell Josh she dislikes her engagement ring. "It's still the one he chose so it'll always be special," she reflects, "but I made sure I had an input when we selected the wedding bands!"
"He got it spot on!"
When Aiden proposed to Louisa, it was not a surprise. "We'd talked about it beforehand," she says, dismissing the idea this is not romantic. "I think that was important. He still did a whole down-on-one-knee thing, but I believe it was better because it was expected. And it was less nerve-wracking for him too, as he already knew the answer! Maybe it's not romantic, but it definitely made more sense for us as a couple."
They are planning to have a destination wedding, though a recent house move has put this back a year. "You can't plan everything, so it turns out," Louisa laughs.
So What To Take From This?
1. Know your bride and the things she likes.
2. Consider venturing the idea before taking the plunge; the surprise element is not always on your side.
3. Don't think you have to go all out on a proposal. Sometimes, less is more.
Happy proposing!
Frog Love Meme https://pixabay.com/en/i-beg-your-pardon-marriage-proposal-1089737/
- Published on
7 things to consider for your rustic outdoor wedding
Here Are 7 Things to Consider for your Rustic Outdoor Wedding
by Natalka Celebrations
1. Bear in mind you will likely have to rent everything,
tent, flooring tables, chairs, bathrooms and sound systems.
2. Get all your permits:
Contact the municipality / parks department to arrange for a permit.
Don’t forget to find out about the rules regarding, trash removal,
candles, torches etc.
Alcohol Permit: If you plan to serve alcoholic beverages.
3. In case of inclement weather, provide umbrellas, lap blankets,
and propane heaters. Make sure your guests are comfortable:
provide, plenty of water, hand held fans, flip flops, spray sunscreen,
bug repellent, and on a really hot day,
prepare a bucket full of cold wet wash cloths.
Remind your guests to wear appropriate footwear.
4. Did you choose a public place?
You may have to put up with onlookers and
unwanted noisy distractions,
speak to your DJ about the appropriate sound system.
5. You picked your location because of the rustic beauty
and your decor should emulate the natural surroundings,
consider renting burlap, unfinished wood decor,
vintage furniture and table top elements.
6. Lighting: Lanterns both glass and paper, twinkle lights,
torches and candles (if permitted. See # 2).
7. Consider a menu fitting for an outdoor wedding,
discuss food ideas with your caterer
that do well at an outdoor wedding.
-Natalka Lee Gach
Wedding Planner, Co-coordinator and Consultant
www.natalkacelebrations.com
514-652-4073
- Published on
This is a contributed post
Weddings are something that most of us dream about throughout our lives. Meaning that when our big day comes around, we want to ensure that it’s perfect in every way. While a lot of the time we focus on the reception, it’s also important to take the time to ensure that your wedding ceremony is perfectly planned out. Otherwise, it may not end up being what you’ve always dreamed it would be.
The good news is that ensuring that your wedding ceremony goes without a hitch isn’t too difficult to do. It’s just a case of making sure that you do adequate planning for it and know what you would like it to be like. Ask yourself what type of ceremony have you always dreamed of? A quick one or something longer and more romantic - it’s your big day, so you need to make sure it’s what you want it to be.
To help you ensure that your wedding ceremony is exactly as you have always imagined it would be, below are a few ideas and suggestions. Take these on board and you can make sure that your big day is memorable for all the right reasons.
Double check your invitations
The good news is that ensuring that your wedding ceremony goes without a hitch isn’t too difficult to do. It’s just a case of making sure that you do adequate planning for it and know what you would like it to be like. Ask yourself what type of ceremony have you always dreamed of? A quick one or something longer and more romantic - it’s your big day, so you need to make sure it’s what you want it to be.
To help you ensure that your wedding ceremony is exactly as you have always imagined it would be, below are a few ideas and suggestions. Take these on board and you can make sure that your big day is memorable for all the right reasons.
Double check your invitations
https://c1.staticflickr.com/7/6105/6231837339_f85c59bf7a_b.jpg Wedding Invitations
Before sending out your wedding invitations, make sure to double check them. The last thing you want is for a printing error to cause problems, such as the time or postcode being wrong, for instance. So take the time to check over your invitations before sending them out, to ensure that your guests have all the right details. This is important as without the right information, some of your most important guests may end up getting lost or not turning up at all.
Have a schedule in place
For everyone in the wedding party, put together a schedule. That way everyone will know what they need to be doing and when. Having a plan written out will help to ensure that everyone arrives at the church on time and does what they’re meant to do. A few days before the wedding, email out the schedule for the day of your wedding to everyone in the wedding party. That way they can make sure that everyone knows what they’re meant to be doing and when. This will help to calm your wedding day nerves and ensure that everything goes to plan.
Get your orders of service sorted
Have a schedule in place
For everyone in the wedding party, put together a schedule. That way everyone will know what they need to be doing and when. Having a plan written out will help to ensure that everyone arrives at the church on time and does what they’re meant to do. A few days before the wedding, email out the schedule for the day of your wedding to everyone in the wedding party. That way they can make sure that everyone knows what they’re meant to be doing and when. This will help to calm your wedding day nerves and ensure that everything goes to plan.
Get your orders of service sorted
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c4/Memchu_wedding.jpg wedding ceremony
Whatever you do, don’t forget about your orders of service. If you want to make sure that your ceremony goes to plan, it’s important to give each guest an order of service. That way, everyone knows what to expect from your nuptials. If you’re yet to get your wedding ceremony programs sorted, get in touch with a specialist order of service printing company. The last thing you want is for your orders of service not to have arrived by your wedding date, so make sure to get them sorted in advance.
Have a tick list of what needs to be done on the day
So that on the morning of your wedding, you’re not stressing about everything that needs to be done, create a tick list. So that you have a simple list of the tasks that need to be completed to hand. You can then give this list to your head bridesmaid, who can make sure that everything on it is completed. This should contain things like ensuring everyone gets their buttonholes and making sure that all the ushers are at the church early. Just the little things that otherwise, could end up being forgotten about.
Don’t forget to call to confirm
Have a tick list of what needs to be done on the day
So that on the morning of your wedding, you’re not stressing about everything that needs to be done, create a tick list. So that you have a simple list of the tasks that need to be completed to hand. You can then give this list to your head bridesmaid, who can make sure that everything on it is completed. This should contain things like ensuring everyone gets their buttonholes and making sure that all the ushers are at the church early. Just the little things that otherwise, could end up being forgotten about.
Don’t forget to call to confirm
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a5/Wedding_car_oldtimer.jpg wedding car
Last but not least, a few days before your wedding, call your service providers to confirm your booking. For instance, if you’ve hired a car to take you to the venue, call the company a few days before to confirm. That way you can double check that the vehicles you’ve hired will all arrive at the right times and places. Or say, for example, you’ve paid to have flower displays put together for the church. Call the florist to confirm what time they’ll be delivered, so that you can ensure someone is there. This will give you peace of mind and will help to ensure that your day goes as smoothly as possible.
Planning a wedding is always going to be stressful, as there’s so much that needs to be sorted. To ensure that your ceremony goes without a hitch, take note of tips and suggestions above, and implement them.
Planning a wedding is always going to be stressful, as there’s so much that needs to be sorted. To ensure that your ceremony goes without a hitch, take note of tips and suggestions above, and implement them.
