- Published on
This is a contributed post
After a while in a happy relationship, it’s easy to start thinking about the future. However, marriage is such a big commitment that you need to ensure you are both ready. It can put huge pressure on your relationship, and your marriage will crumble if you aren’t both wanting the same things. Here are some signs that your relationship is ready for the next step, and it's time to pop the question.
https://pixabay.com/en/couple-engagement-ring-diamond-802058/ engagement ring
You have lived together for a while
One of the first major steps you and your partner would have likely made in your relationship is moving in together. After all, more couples than ever are living together first before tying the knot. It helps couples to find out more about each other and how they act under difficult circumstances. Research has found that couples are less likely to divorce if they live together for a period before getting hitched. Therefore, if you have lived together for a while and are still happy together, it could be time to get married.
One of the first major steps you and your partner would have likely made in your relationship is moving in together. After all, more couples than ever are living together first before tying the knot. It helps couples to find out more about each other and how they act under difficult circumstances. Research has found that couples are less likely to divorce if they live together for a period before getting hitched. Therefore, if you have lived together for a while and are still happy together, it could be time to get married.
https://www.pexels.com/photo/landscape-sunset-couple-love-136411/ marriage proposal
You both have similar future plans
Your relationship will never survive marriage if you don’t have similar future plans. If one of you wants to go traveling, while the other wants to settle down and have a family, it’s never going to work between you. Therefore, before going to buy a ring, you need to talk to her about the future. Discuss your five-year plan to see if you are both on the same page. That way, you can ensure you're both ready for the future before tying the knot.
You both are financially ready
It’s important that the two of you have enough money if you are going to get married. After all, weddings are an expensive time which can put a lot of pressure on your relationship. If you don’t have enough money, you are unlikely to have a day that you both will love. Also, a wedding can stop you from saving for other things like your own home or a big holiday which you both really want to do. Therefore, you need to both be prepared for this. On top of this, you need to have enough money to buy her a beautiful ring such as gemstone engagement rings. After all, as this feature reveals, you should spend three months of your salary on a ring! Therefore, make sure you are financially ready before planning to get hitched!
Your relationship will never survive marriage if you don’t have similar future plans. If one of you wants to go traveling, while the other wants to settle down and have a family, it’s never going to work between you. Therefore, before going to buy a ring, you need to talk to her about the future. Discuss your five-year plan to see if you are both on the same page. That way, you can ensure you're both ready for the future before tying the knot.
You both are financially ready
It’s important that the two of you have enough money if you are going to get married. After all, weddings are an expensive time which can put a lot of pressure on your relationship. If you don’t have enough money, you are unlikely to have a day that you both will love. Also, a wedding can stop you from saving for other things like your own home or a big holiday which you both really want to do. Therefore, you need to both be prepared for this. On top of this, you need to have enough money to buy her a beautiful ring such as gemstone engagement rings. After all, as this feature reveals, you should spend three months of your salary on a ring! Therefore, make sure you are financially ready before planning to get hitched!
https://www.flickr.com/photos/astrocoz/68767468 wedding ring
You are both truly happy together
No relationship is perfect. You are bound to have a row every so often as the odd argument is part of a healthy relationship. But if you are genuinely happy together and love being around each other, then it could be a sign you should get hitched. Also, you should ensure you want to spend the rest of your life with her. If you can’t imagine not being with another girl, then you are not in the right headspace to get married.
No relationship is perfect. You are bound to have a row every so often as the odd argument is part of a healthy relationship. But if you are genuinely happy together and love being around each other, then it could be a sign you should get hitched. Also, you should ensure you want to spend the rest of your life with her. If you can’t imagine not being with another girl, then you are not in the right headspace to get married.
https://pixabay.com/en/couple-love-kiss-hug-beauty-park-1363967/ she said yes!
There is no perfect age to get married to your other half. But you need to be both ready on a maturity level to get hitched. After all, it’s a huge commitment that you both need to be sure you want to take. Whatever you do, don’t just propose because she wants a big wedding!
- Published on
Wedding Vows are to be taken seriously
The Bad Times
by Frank Kermit
Updated on March 2, 2018
The Bad Times is when your commitment to marriage
matters the most.
Anyone can keep themselves
in check to keep a promise
when things are great.
You make the decision to be married
with someone
to remind you of why you made that decision
when times are bad.
And over the course
of a long term relationship
things WILL get bad.
Even the best relationships
have periods where things are less than ideal
and those periods
could last from days to weeks, months, and even years.
Then again,
what are 4-5 rough years
compared to what a 40 year relationship is suppose to mean?
In Good Times, and in Bad,
In Sickness and in Health
is not just a saying...it is a warning....
It is letting you know what you are signing up for.
Can you handle the expectations of marriage
that you and your partner agree too
when things go bad?
If you aren't sure,
then you have some homework to do.
If you are a couple that wants to get more serious but are worried you will end up divorced, or an individual trying to figure out if you have found the right person, consider signing up for my 12-hour pre-marriage coaching program.
by Frank Kermit
Updated on March 2, 2018
The Bad Times is when your commitment to marriage
matters the most.
Anyone can keep themselves
in check to keep a promise
when things are great.
You make the decision to be married
with someone
to remind you of why you made that decision
when times are bad.
And over the course
of a long term relationship
things WILL get bad.
Even the best relationships
have periods where things are less than ideal
and those periods
could last from days to weeks, months, and even years.
Then again,
what are 4-5 rough years
compared to what a 40 year relationship is suppose to mean?
In Good Times, and in Bad,
In Sickness and in Health
is not just a saying...it is a warning....
It is letting you know what you are signing up for.
Can you handle the expectations of marriage
that you and your partner agree too
when things go bad?
If you aren't sure,
then you have some homework to do.
If you are a couple that wants to get more serious but are worried you will end up divorced, or an individual trying to figure out if you have found the right person, consider signing up for my 12-hour pre-marriage coaching program.
- Published on
Ex-Lovers and Wedding Guest List
by Frank Kermit, Updated on March 2, 2018
During my couples coaching sessions,
one of the topics of discussion that tends to come up
is the wedding list of guests.
One of the questions I ask is:
Have either one of you had an intimate relationship with any guests,
that your partner (the one who is marrying you)
does not know about?
I think the majority of couples would be surprised by just
how often it turns out that some of the wedding guests
turn out to be secret past lovers of either member of the couple
getting married, that the other partner did not know.
What turns out to be worse, is when that secret lover,
actually made it to the actual wedding party
(either a bridesmaid, or an usher/groomsman)
Sometimes, having someone who has a sexual past
with a wedding partner attend your wedding as a guest
can be taken as an insult to the other wedding partner.
Usually, the invitation of a past lover
to a wedding can be handled,
but it is the secretive nature of the information
that causes the bigger issue.
The other partner starts to wonder
what other information has not been volunteered
that will continued to be "hidden" until the correct
direction question is asked.
That is no way to start a wedding guest list.
As a general rule, ex-lovers and weddings do not mix.
And in the event one of your secret ex-lovers
has been invited to your wedding
make sure you TELL YOUR PARTNER
The worst thing that can happen,
is that the information is reveal
at the wedding, when everyone is celebrating
and secrets come out unintentionally.
It is a time people become emotionally,
and sometimes intoxicated,
which always spells trouble for secret-keeping.
I have seen this happen from direct experience
and those of my client base.
Plan for your wedding to be spectacular, not a spectacle.
If you are a couple that wants to get more serious but are worried you will end up divorced, or an individual trying to figure out if you have found the right person, consider signing up for my 12-hour pre-marriage coaching program.
by Frank Kermit, Updated on March 2, 2018
During my couples coaching sessions,
one of the topics of discussion that tends to come up
is the wedding list of guests.
One of the questions I ask is:
Have either one of you had an intimate relationship with any guests,
that your partner (the one who is marrying you)
does not know about?
I think the majority of couples would be surprised by just
how often it turns out that some of the wedding guests
turn out to be secret past lovers of either member of the couple
getting married, that the other partner did not know.
What turns out to be worse, is when that secret lover,
actually made it to the actual wedding party
(either a bridesmaid, or an usher/groomsman)
Sometimes, having someone who has a sexual past
with a wedding partner attend your wedding as a guest
can be taken as an insult to the other wedding partner.
Usually, the invitation of a past lover
to a wedding can be handled,
but it is the secretive nature of the information
that causes the bigger issue.
The other partner starts to wonder
what other information has not been volunteered
that will continued to be "hidden" until the correct
direction question is asked.
That is no way to start a wedding guest list.
As a general rule, ex-lovers and weddings do not mix.
And in the event one of your secret ex-lovers
has been invited to your wedding
make sure you TELL YOUR PARTNER
The worst thing that can happen,
is that the information is reveal
at the wedding, when everyone is celebrating
and secrets come out unintentionally.
It is a time people become emotionally,
and sometimes intoxicated,
which always spells trouble for secret-keeping.
I have seen this happen from direct experience
and those of my client base.
Plan for your wedding to be spectacular, not a spectacle.
If you are a couple that wants to get more serious but are worried you will end up divorced, or an individual trying to figure out if you have found the right person, consider signing up for my 12-hour pre-marriage coaching program.
- Published on
Coping with Loss at a Wedding
Remembering the Dead at a Wedding
by Frank Kermit
Sometimes, couples who marry want to do something
at the wedding in memory of the people who passed away.
This happens, especially when the death was recent.
At my wedding, my wife and I did a little ceremony at the reception
where we lit a candle and read an inscription, announcing it was
in memory of various relatives that had died, who would have
wanted to attend. It was very short, but it did bring us come
comfort, and it was also comforting to some of the attendees
who were still in mourning.
We all cope with loss differently.
It is important for the wedding couple to also remember,
that not everyone will appreciate your efforts
to pay tribute to your lost loved ones.
One of the biggest mistakes I see people make,
is they try to tell someone else that how they grieve is wrong.
For example, this story is of a wedding I attended:
A father dies a few months before his son is set to be married.
At the wedding, a special tribute is made in honor of the late father.
The groom and his mom dance to a song that was in memory of his dad.
All the guests were invited on the dance floor to circle them.
Then it happened...
at one point, the groom and his mom started to cry a little.
It was not a hysterical cry at all, but the tears were evident.
Everyone around them formed into a circle continued to move to the music.
...except one man.
He started to raise his voice to tell the DJ to stop the music.
He was an uncle in the family, and felt that the song and tribute
was making them cry and that it was wrong.
So he made a fool of himself trying to stop the tribute.
Luckily, the DJ and the rest of the guests ignored him.
The uncle was not comfortable with seeing, or dealing with, grief.
He tried to "protect" everyone else from grief as well.
That was the worst thing he could have done, and lucky for
everyone at the wedding, the DJ was smart enough not to listen to him.
Make sure that you let the DJ, or other wedding professionals involved know about any potential trouble-makers, and let the wedding professionals also know exactly what your wishes are
in case a wedding guest decides to act out.
If you can predict who might be the kind of person to act out,
at your wedding,
it might be a good idea to let that person know ahead of time
what you are planning.
This is not about getting that person's permission.
It is more about letting that person know,
so the shock of surprise
in combination of the grief and mourning
does not motivate that person
into doing something
that will turn your wedding
from spectacular
to a spectacle.
-Frank Kermit
Couples Coach
If you are a couple that wants to get more serious but are worried you will end up divorced, or an individual trying to figure out if you have found the right person, consider signing up for my 12-hour pre-marriage coaching program.
Sign Up For Coaching
- Published on
Learn To Dance For a Wedding
Look Stunning and Surprise Your Guests
by Patty Contenta (Guest Blogger)
It wasn’t so long ago that a couple’s first dance,
as special as it was, was only an effervescent memory
– a fact that was no small blessing for couples
who didn’t know how to dance.
Now with the advent of recording technologies,
a newlywed couple’s first dance is almost always
recorded for viewing through the years.
Here are some points you’ll need to know
to make your wedding dance the best memory ever!
Don’t wait until the last minute:
Remember that your schedule will get very hectic
as your wedding day approaches.
Dance instructors recommend starting six to eight months earlier
to allow more time for practice,
especially if you are a newcomer to dancing.
All dances are popular at weddings:
Besides the Waltz and other traditional dances,
the Mambo, Salsa, Swing and even the Hustle
are all popular at weddings today.
Do you wish to use a special song for your first dance?
If you plan to dance to a special song at your reception,
feel free to bring a recording of it to your dance lessons
so you can work on it with your teacher.
Don’t forget to coordinate with your wedding videographer
to get the best “coverage” of your special dance.
Remember that dance lessons
can actually be a stress reliever:
Dancing is good exercise.
And, dance lessons pull you out of the hustle and bustle of the day
allowing you to spend time with your intended,
having fun and working together productively at the same time.
Learning a new skill that you can use together for a lifetime.
Learning to dance for your wedding is a special gift
that you and your fiance can give to each other.
Feeling confident and poised when you dance together
will ensure that your first dance together
as a married couple will be a memory you will cherish forever.
Hope to see you at a dance studio.
They have a team of great teachers
that will ensure you have a fun and easy experience!
In Joy and Enjoy!
Patty Contenta
www.SensualitySecrets.com
- Published on
A Broken Engagement
is Better Than a Happy Divorce
By Frank Kermit
One of the ironies of couples counseling that I often find myself doing is taking the couple through the pre-marital coaching process when they may already be at the end of their relationship. I often ask them questions about their expectations about where they would have wanted their relationship to go, that are the same questions that couples who are ABOUT to get serious need to be asking.
Sadly, many couples get committed sooner than they should without having some much needed conversations. These include, the desire to have children together and taking into account any children that either person already has from previous relationships, the financial management of the new family, past mental health issues that could resurface, where you would live if you had to suddenly move from your current city, how you want your remains dealt with at the end of your life, and all the things you current do not like, but tolerate in your new partner that you HOPE will change.
These also include any past life issues that the new partner should be aware of such as any past trauma that could impact their future together, a criminal record, past bankruptcy, and anything incriminating that someone else may have on you that could become an issue (such as ex-lovers having potentially embarrassing and explicit photos and videos of you).
It does happen that when couples go for pre-martial coaching they end up coming to the conclusion that they should not be together after all and cancel the engagement (whether an official engagement, or an emotional one).
The purpose of pre-martial coaching is not to break couples up, but to build a solid foundation for the future relationship (parenting, marriage, common law, or de facto spouse). In the process of asking hard questions, it may come to their attention (and surprise) that the couple finds they simply have too many irreconcilable differences that would eventually end their union. This is a horribly sad time for the couple, as well as, anyone around them who share in their pain.
However, I am here to tell you that a broken engagement is far better than going through a happy and amicable divorce. Marriage (or any serious long term commitment) takes work. It is not always going to be easy. There will be times, even in the best of couples, that one or both of you may feel that being together was a mistake (shhh!! It is a secret that no one wants you to know!) It is normal to question your choice.
It is not about how much you love someone. It is more about how you get along. Contrary to what romantic entertainment would have you think: real couples, in real life relationships, have real hardships, and real doubts. It is those couples that can separate the passing doubts that can be worked through from the irreconcilable differences in values that bring about breaks up and divorce, who stand the best chance for long term relationship success.
If you are engaged to be married, but are having seriously strong doubts that you do not think are going to pass, hold off getting serious or call it off. When in serious doubt, stay out. If nothing else, pre-marital coaching will teach you that it will take everything you have to keep it together long term and in that, there is no doubt.
Frank Kermit
is Better Than a Happy Divorce
By Frank Kermit
One of the ironies of couples counseling that I often find myself doing is taking the couple through the pre-marital coaching process when they may already be at the end of their relationship. I often ask them questions about their expectations about where they would have wanted their relationship to go, that are the same questions that couples who are ABOUT to get serious need to be asking.
Sadly, many couples get committed sooner than they should without having some much needed conversations. These include, the desire to have children together and taking into account any children that either person already has from previous relationships, the financial management of the new family, past mental health issues that could resurface, where you would live if you had to suddenly move from your current city, how you want your remains dealt with at the end of your life, and all the things you current do not like, but tolerate in your new partner that you HOPE will change.
These also include any past life issues that the new partner should be aware of such as any past trauma that could impact their future together, a criminal record, past bankruptcy, and anything incriminating that someone else may have on you that could become an issue (such as ex-lovers having potentially embarrassing and explicit photos and videos of you).
It does happen that when couples go for pre-martial coaching they end up coming to the conclusion that they should not be together after all and cancel the engagement (whether an official engagement, or an emotional one).
The purpose of pre-martial coaching is not to break couples up, but to build a solid foundation for the future relationship (parenting, marriage, common law, or de facto spouse). In the process of asking hard questions, it may come to their attention (and surprise) that the couple finds they simply have too many irreconcilable differences that would eventually end their union. This is a horribly sad time for the couple, as well as, anyone around them who share in their pain.
However, I am here to tell you that a broken engagement is far better than going through a happy and amicable divorce. Marriage (or any serious long term commitment) takes work. It is not always going to be easy. There will be times, even in the best of couples, that one or both of you may feel that being together was a mistake (shhh!! It is a secret that no one wants you to know!) It is normal to question your choice.
It is not about how much you love someone. It is more about how you get along. Contrary to what romantic entertainment would have you think: real couples, in real life relationships, have real hardships, and real doubts. It is those couples that can separate the passing doubts that can be worked through from the irreconcilable differences in values that bring about breaks up and divorce, who stand the best chance for long term relationship success.
If you are engaged to be married, but are having seriously strong doubts that you do not think are going to pass, hold off getting serious or call it off. When in serious doubt, stay out. If nothing else, pre-marital coaching will teach you that it will take everything you have to keep it together long term and in that, there is no doubt.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Relationship Ultimatums
Ultimatums In Love
By Frank Kermit
Ultimatums can come up in any and all relationships. Even the best relationships can face a crisis point where an ultimatum is necessary and uttered.
Ultimatums are not pleasant, neither for the person issuing it, nor for the person on the receiving end of it.
However, if a relationship can get past the ultimatum, and resolve the crisis point, it can be one of the hurdles that will help the relationship survive into the future.
An ultimatum is NOT a sign that you are with the wrong partner.
If you find yourself in a position where you feel the need to issue an ultimatum to your partner, it tends to be a sign that you have not communicated your needs and boundaries directly enough.
This is especially the case when the resentment or the desire to make the ultimatum has been brewing for quite some time.
I often find in my practice that those people who fall into the category of "people pleasers" tend to shy away from conflict and then, after the frustration builds up, will explode with anger and ultimatums, in part because, the build up became so overwhelming it was too painful not to deal with their fear of conflict.
If these individuals would have communicated with their partners as the issues came up, instead of shying away from discussing topics that may be momentarily unpleasant, the entire blow up process may have never come to pass.
Some of the more common ultimatums that I see in my practice are with couples that are either struggling to move to the next level of commitment (becoming exclusive, start living together, getting engaged, setting the wedding date, having children) or those couples that are facing some kind of perceived threat (staying in touch with an ex who will not give up trying to rekindle).
However, an ultimatum can be about anything that one partner seriously requires a change with that without complying with said ultimatum, might bring about the desire to end the relationship.
Some couples want a partner to take better care of health issues (like quitting drugs) and others demand a change in lifestyle, and even a move to a completely different home.
The ultimatum itself is actually less important than the way it is communicated.
If you are going to issue an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, be direct, be clear and firm about what you need changed and why it is very important to you.
No screaming, no name calling, no personal attacks.
Start off by telling your partner that you want to set aside some time to talk about something important to you and to schedule it when you feel your partner would be most receptive (such as a Saturday night after a day of rest, instead of a Monday morning just before a big presentation at work).
If you are on the receiving end of an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, listen, ask questions to be sure you are clear about what your partner needs and why it is important, listen some more, and leave your ego at the door as much as you can.
Even if your partner is not saying it in a way that you are happy about, try to put your compassion for your partner ahead of your offended ego.
When your partner is communicating an ultimatum to you, your partner is in fact acting like your best friend.
Your partner is giving you a full chance to take control of a situation by bringing his or her discontentment to your attention.
This is actually much better than a partner deciding not to confront you, and potentially doing something behind your back out of emotional vengeance, or simply surprising you with a break up, without ever giving your relationship a chance.
That is why you have to be grateful for the ultimatum, even if you despise what you may be hearing.
Now, what if you and your partner have reached an impasse?
What if the ultimatum is about something that you either are not sure is a good idea to agree too, or if it is something that is completely against your value system.
For example, your partner cannot abide any longer having your aging and ill health parent live in the same house as your family, but you do not want to relocate your parent to a special care senior’s residence.
What do you do then, when your values have reached a crisis point of incompatibility?
In situations like this, it is often a good idea to seek out the help of a professional who can offer an objective point of view and can assess if anyone is being unreasonable.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Ultimatums can come up in any and all relationships. Even the best relationships can face a crisis point where an ultimatum is necessary and uttered.
Ultimatums are not pleasant, neither for the person issuing it, nor for the person on the receiving end of it.
However, if a relationship can get past the ultimatum, and resolve the crisis point, it can be one of the hurdles that will help the relationship survive into the future.
An ultimatum is NOT a sign that you are with the wrong partner.
If you find yourself in a position where you feel the need to issue an ultimatum to your partner, it tends to be a sign that you have not communicated your needs and boundaries directly enough.
This is especially the case when the resentment or the desire to make the ultimatum has been brewing for quite some time.
I often find in my practice that those people who fall into the category of "people pleasers" tend to shy away from conflict and then, after the frustration builds up, will explode with anger and ultimatums, in part because, the build up became so overwhelming it was too painful not to deal with their fear of conflict.
If these individuals would have communicated with their partners as the issues came up, instead of shying away from discussing topics that may be momentarily unpleasant, the entire blow up process may have never come to pass.
Some of the more common ultimatums that I see in my practice are with couples that are either struggling to move to the next level of commitment (becoming exclusive, start living together, getting engaged, setting the wedding date, having children) or those couples that are facing some kind of perceived threat (staying in touch with an ex who will not give up trying to rekindle).
However, an ultimatum can be about anything that one partner seriously requires a change with that without complying with said ultimatum, might bring about the desire to end the relationship.
Some couples want a partner to take better care of health issues (like quitting drugs) and others demand a change in lifestyle, and even a move to a completely different home.
The ultimatum itself is actually less important than the way it is communicated.
If you are going to issue an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, be direct, be clear and firm about what you need changed and why it is very important to you.
No screaming, no name calling, no personal attacks.
Start off by telling your partner that you want to set aside some time to talk about something important to you and to schedule it when you feel your partner would be most receptive (such as a Saturday night after a day of rest, instead of a Monday morning just before a big presentation at work).
If you are on the receiving end of an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, listen, ask questions to be sure you are clear about what your partner needs and why it is important, listen some more, and leave your ego at the door as much as you can.
Even if your partner is not saying it in a way that you are happy about, try to put your compassion for your partner ahead of your offended ego.
When your partner is communicating an ultimatum to you, your partner is in fact acting like your best friend.
Your partner is giving you a full chance to take control of a situation by bringing his or her discontentment to your attention.
This is actually much better than a partner deciding not to confront you, and potentially doing something behind your back out of emotional vengeance, or simply surprising you with a break up, without ever giving your relationship a chance.
That is why you have to be grateful for the ultimatum, even if you despise what you may be hearing.
Now, what if you and your partner have reached an impasse?
What if the ultimatum is about something that you either are not sure is a good idea to agree too, or if it is something that is completely against your value system.
For example, your partner cannot abide any longer having your aging and ill health parent live in the same house as your family, but you do not want to relocate your parent to a special care senior’s residence.
What do you do then, when your values have reached a crisis point of incompatibility?
In situations like this, it is often a good idea to seek out the help of a professional who can offer an objective point of view and can assess if anyone is being unreasonable.
Frank Kermit
Sign up for COACHING, and get a Frank Perspective.
If you and your partner are facing a relationship ultimatum or a marriage ultimatum and you need a third person to help you through it,.
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ultimatum resolution
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- Published on
If you are seeking a serious long-term relationship, specifically, a relationship that would eventually lead to marriage and wearing beautiful wedding rings together, you will have to eventually make a choice one-day between your spouse and your friends.
At some point, you will be faced with a situation where your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse will be in conflict. It is at that point, if you have not already made your parameters clear, you will be forced to do so.
At some point, you will be faced with a situation where your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse will be in conflict. It is at that point, if you have not already made your parameters clear, you will be forced to do so.
Choosing Between Friends vs Lovers
For that reason, when I work with coaching clients who are single and looking for a life partner, I encourage them to start thinking about what those boundaries would be, and to start defining them now, while single, so that when they do enter into a serious relationship, they are ready to manage their new spouse and their existing friendships.
Not everyone has this dilemma. Some people are already well aware of their personal priorities and know exactly where they personally will draw the line. While others, may have never contemplated that there would ever be a conflict between the two sides. Yet there are a few others who simply do not want to even discuss potential conflict resolutions for a variety of reasons.
So here is an example:
You and your spouse have been working very hard on saving up for a down payment on a house. You both work long hours and have sacrificed much to get to the point where you have that 20% down payment ready in order to qualify for a mortgage. Next week, you will seek out a real estate agent and start house hunting. Then you get a call from one of your friends. Your friend is in trouble. It is something serious, and your friend has no one else to turn too. Your friend needs a large sum of money. Let’s assume that without that money, your friend is going to go through immanent hardship. You could be in a position to lend your friend your share of the money you have saved up for the house down payment. You talk to your spouse and your spouse refuses.
Do you choose your friend (who has helped you out more than anyone can know), or your spouse who you want to build a future life with that might leave you if you side with your friend?
I have left elements of the story very vague for the reader to fill in. Questions such as, is it a life and death situation? Are children with the spouse already involved in this decision? Are there no other options for the couple to get a mortgage at a cheaper down payment or other sources for the friend to reach out to for this money? Looking at this question as well as the value systems of each individual is part of the pre-marriage coaching program I take new couples through, to prepare them for the eventual choice they will have to make between their spouse and their friends.
Now, what if the situation wasn’t so serious or so dire? What if the issue is simply a matter of your spouse and friends not getting along? What if the issue might be that your friend never fully accepted your spouse into your life and takes passive aggressive measures to influence a rift between you both as a couple? What if your spouse is simply suspicious of your friend, even though your friend has not overtly done anything inappropriate to your knowledge? What if it is simply a matter that your spouse and your friend are not willing to tolerate each other? Where would you draw the line then?
What comes up in a pre-marriage coaching session often surprises the individuals of the couple as they express to each other their thoughts, feelings, and expectations on this subject.
What I will say to conclude this article is that if and when you choose someone to commit to as a spouse, that commitment comes with certain obligations and expectations. Be clear as to what you are expecting, and communicate that with your partner, as well as, make sure your partner communicates the same with you.
If you plan to dedicate your life and everything you own and every resource you will ever earn to another human being, it is important to know what conditions come along with that commitment, what strings attached may be in place (if any) and where each of you draws the lines between your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse.
I promise you, that if you do not talk about it before you get committed, you will surely talk about it, after you commit and a situation forces the conversation. The choice is going to be calling on you to make it. Do what you can now to be ready.
A broken engagement is far better than a happy divorce.
Frank Kermit
Not everyone has this dilemma. Some people are already well aware of their personal priorities and know exactly where they personally will draw the line. While others, may have never contemplated that there would ever be a conflict between the two sides. Yet there are a few others who simply do not want to even discuss potential conflict resolutions for a variety of reasons.
So here is an example:
You and your spouse have been working very hard on saving up for a down payment on a house. You both work long hours and have sacrificed much to get to the point where you have that 20% down payment ready in order to qualify for a mortgage. Next week, you will seek out a real estate agent and start house hunting. Then you get a call from one of your friends. Your friend is in trouble. It is something serious, and your friend has no one else to turn too. Your friend needs a large sum of money. Let’s assume that without that money, your friend is going to go through immanent hardship. You could be in a position to lend your friend your share of the money you have saved up for the house down payment. You talk to your spouse and your spouse refuses.
Do you choose your friend (who has helped you out more than anyone can know), or your spouse who you want to build a future life with that might leave you if you side with your friend?
I have left elements of the story very vague for the reader to fill in. Questions such as, is it a life and death situation? Are children with the spouse already involved in this decision? Are there no other options for the couple to get a mortgage at a cheaper down payment or other sources for the friend to reach out to for this money? Looking at this question as well as the value systems of each individual is part of the pre-marriage coaching program I take new couples through, to prepare them for the eventual choice they will have to make between their spouse and their friends.
Now, what if the situation wasn’t so serious or so dire? What if the issue is simply a matter of your spouse and friends not getting along? What if the issue might be that your friend never fully accepted your spouse into your life and takes passive aggressive measures to influence a rift between you both as a couple? What if your spouse is simply suspicious of your friend, even though your friend has not overtly done anything inappropriate to your knowledge? What if it is simply a matter that your spouse and your friend are not willing to tolerate each other? Where would you draw the line then?
What comes up in a pre-marriage coaching session often surprises the individuals of the couple as they express to each other their thoughts, feelings, and expectations on this subject.
What I will say to conclude this article is that if and when you choose someone to commit to as a spouse, that commitment comes with certain obligations and expectations. Be clear as to what you are expecting, and communicate that with your partner, as well as, make sure your partner communicates the same with you.
If you plan to dedicate your life and everything you own and every resource you will ever earn to another human being, it is important to know what conditions come along with that commitment, what strings attached may be in place (if any) and where each of you draws the lines between your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse.
I promise you, that if you do not talk about it before you get committed, you will surely talk about it, after you commit and a situation forces the conversation. The choice is going to be calling on you to make it. Do what you can now to be ready.
A broken engagement is far better than a happy divorce.
Frank Kermit
If you have a question about if you should listen to your lover or if you should listen to your friends, and you need an outside opinion,
CONTACT FRANK
and get some Frank perspective that will solve your problem right away. Don't believe it? Click on the image on the right and READ THE REVIEWS of people that I have been able to help in JUST ONE SESSION!
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Your Partner vs. Your Friends
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- Published on
Pre-Marriage Coaching
Addressing, "I don't"
Before Saying "I do"
By Frank Kermit
Getting married? That is great!
You found someone that wants to spend the rest of his or her life with you, as much as you want to spend the rest of your life with him or her. Bravo! And before the big wedding day, there is so much to do. The wedding planning alone is an overwhelming task.
However, wedding planning, and for that matter, planning the rest of your life, aside, there is still a little matter that may require your attention.
That little matter has to do with just how much you actually know about the person you are set to marry.
In my practice, I often find that individuals can easily describe what it is they like about their future spouse.
However, sometimes, a better-worded question is required to bring to an individual's attention to just how much they have yet to discover about the person he or she is engaged too.
If you are engaged to be married, and you want to be sure you have asked all the right questions, but are unaware of where to start, then ask yourself this:
What is it about your future spouse that you don't know? Make a list.
If you still have no idea of what to ask, start off with questions where the answers, could indicate you would have to negate your engagement, or at the very least put it off for a little while longer until the situation can be resolved.
Here are some examples:
I don't know if my potential life partner has:
-Ever been arrested,
-Served time in jail,
-Has a criminal record,
-Lived a lifestyle that you are enormously against,
-Has a history of abuse,
…and so on.
If it would stop you from being engaged to your partner, be sure to admit what you do not know, and make the effort to find out.
Other examples may include asking "I don't" questions having more to do with whether or not you wonder if your potential life partner is capable of accepting elements from your own past.
In this case, some examples can include:
I don't know if my potential life partner
can accept that:
-I had a child that was given up for adoption that might look me up one day,
-I filed for bankruptcy less than a decade ago,
-I may be unable to have children,
-I have a secret from my past that no one knows about,
-I cheated when we first started dating,
…and so on.
If you think knowing the truth about you would cause your potential life partner to call off the wedding, then you owe it to the both of you, to give your partner the option of making an informed decision.
Love may be blind, but personal inabilities to accept partners fully and completely can force eyes open to the unpleasantness of a broken engagement.
It is better to find out all about all of your "I don'ts", before saying that most important "I do".
That will give you the best chances that when you answer "I do" to "to have and to hold, until death do you part" you can actually mean it and stick too it through the good times and bad.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Dating Deadlines
Dating Deadlines
By Frank Kermit
Sometimes, the only way to move forward in a relationship is to set a deadline.
Setting a deadline when you are dating someone is a way to find out exact how serious someone is about continuing to be with you, and how ready someone is to move your relationship to the next level.
If you have a life plan and feel that you are running out of time because your partner seems like he or she is dragging their heels, asking them for a deadline for when they will make a move may be a good idea.
Dating deadlines are usually related to a couple setting a specific date to move into the next level of commitment in the hierarchy of relationships.
It can mean going from causal dating to a more serious relationship, living separately to living together, going from dating to an engagement, and a deadline to go from engagement to marriage, and to trying to get pregnant.
A deadline can also be about non-relational situations such as buying or selling an asset, and even deciding when to move to another area or city.
In some of the more complex situations I have seen in my practice, it may even involve asking a partner to give up seeing someone else in order to fully focus and commit to the relationship.
If you are thinking about setting a dating deadline, because you suspect your partner is consciously or unconsciously dragging heels about a certain move forward within the relationship, be sure to involve that person in naming the deadline date.
It is always best to let the person who is holding back, to set the date of the deadline.
The key is to let that person pick a deadline he or she feels comfortable with meeting. Then give that person the space he or she needs to meet that deadline.
This will accomplish exactly what you need:
An environment of support and trust that gives your partner everything necessary to meet the deadline without added pressure.
If your partner meets the deadline, you will have moved forward in the relationship together.
If your partner has not met the deadline, and there were no other mitigating circumstances to blame, your partner has no excuse for not meeting the deadline.
Your partner not meeting the deadline is the outward sign you may need to end the relationship.
There was one couple I distinctly remember from my practice that had set a dating deadline that by a certain date, there were to be married.
On what would have been their wedding day, there were still not married (not even close to the planning stages of a wedding), and they decided to come in for a coaching session together to figure out why it had not happened.
A deadline not met should often be seen as a red flag.
However, it does not need to automatically declare the end of a relationship.
In some cases, an unmet deadline can also be the push necessary to start a path of personal growth and healing, to get your relationship where you want it to be.
Frank Kermit
