- Published on
how long to wait for marriage proposal
Dating 8 Years Not Married
By Frank Kermit
There are times when people will come to me for coaching, feeling very frustrated that they are in long term relationships, but as yet, are still not married to the person they are involved with.
Sometimes it is a matter of the person promising that they will get married at a particular point in the future (when the kids are in college and out of the house), but then once that time point arrives, there is no future planning on getting married.
Other times I have seen people who told the partner that they do not believe in marriage and never plan to get married to which the partner says, “I understand”, only to have the same partner be frustrated because they secretly hoped that he or she would change their mind in a few years.
Finally, there are those cases where someone is too afraid to bring up the topic of wanting to get married out of a fear of potential conflict, so they stew in their frustrations of waiting for the other to bring it up. When the other does not bring up it, the person finds themselves erupting out of frustration and having a major fight that threatens to end the relationship.
None of these situations is acceptable.
Let me be frank with you and make it clear that if getting married is important to you, then it is best to find someone that already thinks the same way you do and to screen every date you have to find someone that is compatible with your beliefs.
In today’s society the resistance to getting married actually makes sense. Depending on your income level (the higher income partner risks alimony and child support payments), your status (if you are previously divorced and financial compromised), and your history of being a lousy judge of character, or a repeating behavior pattern of self-sabotage, then the risks of getting married can be very real. Not everyone aims to get married, even if they want to date, live together and even have children.
If you happen to be dating someone that tells you that they will marry you once a certain point of time happens, it comes down to whether or not you trust your own judge of character if you believe the person. I often mention that even if you have to wait for marriage, you do not necessarily have to wait to get engaged. This conversation tends to lead to any others reasons that someone might be holding back, and can be a very effective tool to finding out if the person means it, or is just using it as an excuse.
The bottom line is this: If you want to get married by a certain deadline, be sure to communicate that deadline to the person you are involved with. There is nothing wrong nor demanding in saying that if you are not married by (insert # of years of being together) then you will end the relationship. The key is to stick by your own words when you issue any ultimatum. If you do not stick by your own ultimatums, then why should your partner take you seriously about anything else you might claim is important to you? You cannot have it both ways. You cannot complain that something you want is not happening and then refuse to take action when what is so important to you is not being fulfilled.
Speak up for yourself, and be clear about your needs and expectations. Otherwise, you will not get what you want, and the only person you can blame is yourself.
To learn about the Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships and learn where and how marriage fits in: Click here to buy a copy of the Coaching Workbooks
For Men : I'm a Man, That's My Job
For Women : I'm a Woman, It's My Time
By Frank Kermit
There are times when people will come to me for coaching, feeling very frustrated that they are in long term relationships, but as yet, are still not married to the person they are involved with.
Sometimes it is a matter of the person promising that they will get married at a particular point in the future (when the kids are in college and out of the house), but then once that time point arrives, there is no future planning on getting married.
Other times I have seen people who told the partner that they do not believe in marriage and never plan to get married to which the partner says, “I understand”, only to have the same partner be frustrated because they secretly hoped that he or she would change their mind in a few years.
Finally, there are those cases where someone is too afraid to bring up the topic of wanting to get married out of a fear of potential conflict, so they stew in their frustrations of waiting for the other to bring it up. When the other does not bring up it, the person finds themselves erupting out of frustration and having a major fight that threatens to end the relationship.
None of these situations is acceptable.
Let me be frank with you and make it clear that if getting married is important to you, then it is best to find someone that already thinks the same way you do and to screen every date you have to find someone that is compatible with your beliefs.
In today’s society the resistance to getting married actually makes sense. Depending on your income level (the higher income partner risks alimony and child support payments), your status (if you are previously divorced and financial compromised), and your history of being a lousy judge of character, or a repeating behavior pattern of self-sabotage, then the risks of getting married can be very real. Not everyone aims to get married, even if they want to date, live together and even have children.
If you happen to be dating someone that tells you that they will marry you once a certain point of time happens, it comes down to whether or not you trust your own judge of character if you believe the person. I often mention that even if you have to wait for marriage, you do not necessarily have to wait to get engaged. This conversation tends to lead to any others reasons that someone might be holding back, and can be a very effective tool to finding out if the person means it, or is just using it as an excuse.
The bottom line is this: If you want to get married by a certain deadline, be sure to communicate that deadline to the person you are involved with. There is nothing wrong nor demanding in saying that if you are not married by (insert # of years of being together) then you will end the relationship. The key is to stick by your own words when you issue any ultimatum. If you do not stick by your own ultimatums, then why should your partner take you seriously about anything else you might claim is important to you? You cannot have it both ways. You cannot complain that something you want is not happening and then refuse to take action when what is so important to you is not being fulfilled.
Speak up for yourself, and be clear about your needs and expectations. Otherwise, you will not get what you want, and the only person you can blame is yourself.
To learn about the Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships and learn where and how marriage fits in: Click here to buy a copy of the Coaching Workbooks
For Men : I'm a Man, That's My Job
For Women : I'm a Woman, It's My Time
Coach For Singles
- Published on
A Poly Date is when you go on a date with more than one person. Whereas a date is traditionally considered to be only between two people, a Poly Date is when 3 or more people all get together with the intent of carrying out a romantic date.
A Poly Date For Valentine’s Day
By Frank Kermit
A Poly Date is when you go on a date with more than one person. Whereas a date is traditionally considered to be only between two people, a Poly Date is when 3 or more people all get together with the intent of carrying out a romantic date.
An old mentor of mine used to say that if you openly date more than one person at the same time, be very wary of Valentine’s Day. The mentor told me that it was a day that caused the break ups of all the relationships you were in, except the one you made plans with way ahead of time, as all your other partners will feel neglected that you did not choose them. I asked the mentor what was the best way to handle it? The old mentor told me to try to be out of town for that day to avoid it.
I did not like that idea. Why try to hide and manipulate anyone? Why would it offend anyone if you were honest about dating non-exclusively? I decided that if I ever got to that point of openly dating more than one person at the same time, and Valentine’s Day came upon us, that I wanted to try something new. One year I did just that when I was casually seeing two girlfriends during a period of my life when I practiced consensual non-monogamy. Both knew that the other relationship existed and they both agreed to continue to date me. I had been honest about my non-monogamous lifestyle from the first date.
I wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with both of them. I did not want to choose one over the other. I liked them both. So I did the opposite of what my mentor suggested. I was honest with both of them and invited them both to spend the whole day together.
They agreed! None of us at the time had ever tried anything like this before. Both my girlfriends had previously only ever practiced monogamous relationships, while I had only practiced non-monogamy for a few years, but never had a poly date. Also note that neither of my girlfriends had previously met before. When I asked each girlfriend why she agreed to try it, they both said (among other things) that the novelty of the experience was a huge factor. Having never tried it, it was a new experience they were open too.
The evening included a reservation at a nice restaurant in which I instructed the establishment to please set a table for three with the plates in a triangular placement. Given that it was Valentine’s Day, and that only couples filled up the restaurant, the three of us were getting quite a bit of attention that night (Especially from the restaurant staff).
I played chauffeur while the two of them sat in the back seat together to get to know each other a little better. Then the three of us headed to a second location, a large high-end multi-level sex shop where they could use up their Valentine’s Day gift cards I had given each of them. While perusing the shop, I got to spend a little time alone with each of them. Finally, I took all three of us back to my place where we collaborated cutting fruit for chocolate fondue. It was a groundbreaking experience for me, and I made sure to tell both my girlfriends this and thanked them for being so open-minded.
At one point the three of us were walking on the street arm and arm (and arm), a girlfriend on each side with me in the middle. There was no greater feeling. It put a smile on my face. Simple-total-pleasure. I really liked both these women and if things had gone a little differently I really do think I could have married either one, or even attempted an ongoing triad relationship. But life had other plans for the three of us.
That Valentine’s Day was like no other for me personally. It was one of the most peaceful, endearing, healing, life changing, monumental, loving moments that I will treasure in memory for the rest of my life. At the time that it happened, I had NEVER had a good V-Day. Never. Until that moment in time, V-Day was the day that I either got dumped, had to end it with someone, or found myself alone.
Since that time, I had more poly dates during the period when I practiced consensual non-monogamy, and have also had even better Valentine’s Days. My first Poly Date was a good experience, but not every Poly Date is going to go as smoothly.
If you do attempt a Poly Date, here are a few things to keep in mind.
Although the Kinsey Institute did a study that found that about 21% of Americans engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lifetime, that does not mean everyone you suggest it to is going to like the idea. In fact, many of the people you may ask out for a Poly Date might completely refuse to ever date you at all just for suggesting it. It is not for everyone, and if you intend to make it part of a regular lifestyle, you will likely find that some people are very against the entire concept. Some people, including family and friends, may even completely abandon you for wanting a non-monogamous lifestyle.
In cases where you do find someone willing to take part in a Poly Date (whether it is bringing a third person to go out with an already established couple, three or more people that all share a common partner or two, or couples-dating-couples for an adventure of swapping partners) that does not mean that the dates will go where you might want them too. Dating with only two people involved, is a mesh of chemistry, compatibility, and balancing boundaries with expectations; it can be more challenging the more people you involve. At times, it can work out nicely, and other times, personalities clash, conflicts erupt between paramours of partners, and the whole experience can blow up in your face, and even cost you the very relationships you were trying to expand upon. For example, the two people you brought together for your Poly Date might like each other more than they like you, and they become a couple and dump you at the end of the night. Ouch!
So, if the risks are high and the chances of it working out are even more challenging than traditional dating, then why I am even telling you about it? I am sharing my experiences with you because I learned a lot from my experiences with Poly Dates. It changed the way I see all relationships. It made me a believer about the possibilities that can exist between any two people (or more as the case may be). It made me a believer that people can build their own unique relationship structures that best suit them, and that if they are willing to risk rejection; they can and will find people to have those unique relationship structures with. Not because any of it is easy. A relationship between only two people is not “easy”. You just have to be a believer that you can make your dating and relationship goals happen. That is why I am telling you about it. It takes a believer to turn a fantasy dream into every day life goals. Believe.
To learn about the Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships which covers non-monogamous relationship structures: Click here to buy a copy of the Coaching Workbooks
For Men : I'm a Man, That's My Job
For Women : I'm a Woman, It's My Time
To learn more about Frank's very first Poly Date, Click here to buy a copy of his autobiography:
From Loser To Seducer
To learn more about Monogamy, Non-Monogamy and Couples in Transition, Click here to buy a copy of Frank Talks Articles: Volume 3: The Monogamy and Non-Monogamy Edition
To learn more about Non-Monogamy and Alternative Relationship Choices, Click here to buy an audio program:ALTERNATIVE RELATIONSHIP CHOICES: Non-Monogamy
To learn about how to date multiple women honestly, Click here to buy the ebook:
THE POWER OF CHOICE: HOW TO DATE MULTIPLE WOMEN HONESTLY
By Frank Kermit
A Poly Date is when you go on a date with more than one person. Whereas a date is traditionally considered to be only between two people, a Poly Date is when 3 or more people all get together with the intent of carrying out a romantic date.
An old mentor of mine used to say that if you openly date more than one person at the same time, be very wary of Valentine’s Day. The mentor told me that it was a day that caused the break ups of all the relationships you were in, except the one you made plans with way ahead of time, as all your other partners will feel neglected that you did not choose them. I asked the mentor what was the best way to handle it? The old mentor told me to try to be out of town for that day to avoid it.
I did not like that idea. Why try to hide and manipulate anyone? Why would it offend anyone if you were honest about dating non-exclusively? I decided that if I ever got to that point of openly dating more than one person at the same time, and Valentine’s Day came upon us, that I wanted to try something new. One year I did just that when I was casually seeing two girlfriends during a period of my life when I practiced consensual non-monogamy. Both knew that the other relationship existed and they both agreed to continue to date me. I had been honest about my non-monogamous lifestyle from the first date.
I wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with both of them. I did not want to choose one over the other. I liked them both. So I did the opposite of what my mentor suggested. I was honest with both of them and invited them both to spend the whole day together.
They agreed! None of us at the time had ever tried anything like this before. Both my girlfriends had previously only ever practiced monogamous relationships, while I had only practiced non-monogamy for a few years, but never had a poly date. Also note that neither of my girlfriends had previously met before. When I asked each girlfriend why she agreed to try it, they both said (among other things) that the novelty of the experience was a huge factor. Having never tried it, it was a new experience they were open too.
The evening included a reservation at a nice restaurant in which I instructed the establishment to please set a table for three with the plates in a triangular placement. Given that it was Valentine’s Day, and that only couples filled up the restaurant, the three of us were getting quite a bit of attention that night (Especially from the restaurant staff).
I played chauffeur while the two of them sat in the back seat together to get to know each other a little better. Then the three of us headed to a second location, a large high-end multi-level sex shop where they could use up their Valentine’s Day gift cards I had given each of them. While perusing the shop, I got to spend a little time alone with each of them. Finally, I took all three of us back to my place where we collaborated cutting fruit for chocolate fondue. It was a groundbreaking experience for me, and I made sure to tell both my girlfriends this and thanked them for being so open-minded.
At one point the three of us were walking on the street arm and arm (and arm), a girlfriend on each side with me in the middle. There was no greater feeling. It put a smile on my face. Simple-total-pleasure. I really liked both these women and if things had gone a little differently I really do think I could have married either one, or even attempted an ongoing triad relationship. But life had other plans for the three of us.
That Valentine’s Day was like no other for me personally. It was one of the most peaceful, endearing, healing, life changing, monumental, loving moments that I will treasure in memory for the rest of my life. At the time that it happened, I had NEVER had a good V-Day. Never. Until that moment in time, V-Day was the day that I either got dumped, had to end it with someone, or found myself alone.
Since that time, I had more poly dates during the period when I practiced consensual non-monogamy, and have also had even better Valentine’s Days. My first Poly Date was a good experience, but not every Poly Date is going to go as smoothly.
If you do attempt a Poly Date, here are a few things to keep in mind.
Although the Kinsey Institute did a study that found that about 21% of Americans engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lifetime, that does not mean everyone you suggest it to is going to like the idea. In fact, many of the people you may ask out for a Poly Date might completely refuse to ever date you at all just for suggesting it. It is not for everyone, and if you intend to make it part of a regular lifestyle, you will likely find that some people are very against the entire concept. Some people, including family and friends, may even completely abandon you for wanting a non-monogamous lifestyle.
In cases where you do find someone willing to take part in a Poly Date (whether it is bringing a third person to go out with an already established couple, three or more people that all share a common partner or two, or couples-dating-couples for an adventure of swapping partners) that does not mean that the dates will go where you might want them too. Dating with only two people involved, is a mesh of chemistry, compatibility, and balancing boundaries with expectations; it can be more challenging the more people you involve. At times, it can work out nicely, and other times, personalities clash, conflicts erupt between paramours of partners, and the whole experience can blow up in your face, and even cost you the very relationships you were trying to expand upon. For example, the two people you brought together for your Poly Date might like each other more than they like you, and they become a couple and dump you at the end of the night. Ouch!
So, if the risks are high and the chances of it working out are even more challenging than traditional dating, then why I am even telling you about it? I am sharing my experiences with you because I learned a lot from my experiences with Poly Dates. It changed the way I see all relationships. It made me a believer about the possibilities that can exist between any two people (or more as the case may be). It made me a believer that people can build their own unique relationship structures that best suit them, and that if they are willing to risk rejection; they can and will find people to have those unique relationship structures with. Not because any of it is easy. A relationship between only two people is not “easy”. You just have to be a believer that you can make your dating and relationship goals happen. That is why I am telling you about it. It takes a believer to turn a fantasy dream into every day life goals. Believe.
To learn about the Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships which covers non-monogamous relationship structures: Click here to buy a copy of the Coaching Workbooks
For Men : I'm a Man, That's My Job
For Women : I'm a Woman, It's My Time
To learn more about Frank's very first Poly Date, Click here to buy a copy of his autobiography:
From Loser To Seducer
To learn more about Monogamy, Non-Monogamy and Couples in Transition, Click here to buy a copy of Frank Talks Articles: Volume 3: The Monogamy and Non-Monogamy Edition
To learn more about Non-Monogamy and Alternative Relationship Choices, Click here to buy an audio program:ALTERNATIVE RELATIONSHIP CHOICES: Non-Monogamy
To learn about how to date multiple women honestly, Click here to buy the ebook:
THE POWER OF CHOICE: HOW TO DATE MULTIPLE WOMEN HONESTLY
- Published on
dating ex again after break up
Dating Your Ex
By Frank Kermit
Anybody who has ever been in love, has at some point, thought about dating an ex. It is certainly easier to date an ex you have history with, than to date new people and have to face all the awkwardness that comes with having new romantic experiences with a new person for the first time. With an ex, it is “been there, done there”, and it is easier to get comfortable again really fast. As a mentor of mine used to tell me, when you break up from the warm comfortable embrace of a familiar relationship, and enter the Realm of Singledom, people find out very quickly that it is cold out there, and all those things that annoyed you about your ex, don’t seem to be as bad as you thought anymore.
We all have to be careful with that kind of thinking. It’s a trap.
It is important that we all remember that someone is an ex for a reason. There was something about the two of you that did not work. That is why you ended up as an ex.
With that said, there are times when it can work when dating an ex. Some people make the effort to work it out because they have children together, and are highly motivated to find some means of compromise. Others come to better appreciate what an ex had to offer, but only after experiencing less than pleasant dating experiences with others. For example, a partner that bored you might be someone you better appreciate after dating someone more exciting who also really ruined your life. It is unfortunate that it may require a horrible experience to make people realize how good they had it. Yet, even if your ex was the best relationship you ever had, that still does not mean you should go back and attempt to date an ex, because it still is likely not to work out.
The key to know if you should date an ex again is to be able to discern exactly what it was that broke the two of you up, and whether or not that particular issue still exists. For example, if the only reason you and your ex broke up was because one of your families disapproved of the others partner choice, then getting back together will not work out, unless the person who was unduly influence by family has changed and set boundaries with family to never let the family have any influence ever again on any major decisions involving life choices. If the thing that broke you and your ex up has not been changed or resolved, the two of you are likely to keep breaking up again.
It is OK to still love an ex; it really is. We are human, and are emotions are what they are. Just because you have proven to be romantically incompatible does not mean you automatically shut your feelings off for a person. However, how you feel about a person is simply not enough to make a long-term relationship work. It is one of the saddest lessons of self-awareness.
If you are stuck on an ex, and want to be able to move on and find new love with new people,
check out and sign up for an hour of Frank Coaching
By Frank Kermit
Anybody who has ever been in love, has at some point, thought about dating an ex. It is certainly easier to date an ex you have history with, than to date new people and have to face all the awkwardness that comes with having new romantic experiences with a new person for the first time. With an ex, it is “been there, done there”, and it is easier to get comfortable again really fast. As a mentor of mine used to tell me, when you break up from the warm comfortable embrace of a familiar relationship, and enter the Realm of Singledom, people find out very quickly that it is cold out there, and all those things that annoyed you about your ex, don’t seem to be as bad as you thought anymore.
We all have to be careful with that kind of thinking. It’s a trap.
It is important that we all remember that someone is an ex for a reason. There was something about the two of you that did not work. That is why you ended up as an ex.
With that said, there are times when it can work when dating an ex. Some people make the effort to work it out because they have children together, and are highly motivated to find some means of compromise. Others come to better appreciate what an ex had to offer, but only after experiencing less than pleasant dating experiences with others. For example, a partner that bored you might be someone you better appreciate after dating someone more exciting who also really ruined your life. It is unfortunate that it may require a horrible experience to make people realize how good they had it. Yet, even if your ex was the best relationship you ever had, that still does not mean you should go back and attempt to date an ex, because it still is likely not to work out.
The key to know if you should date an ex again is to be able to discern exactly what it was that broke the two of you up, and whether or not that particular issue still exists. For example, if the only reason you and your ex broke up was because one of your families disapproved of the others partner choice, then getting back together will not work out, unless the person who was unduly influence by family has changed and set boundaries with family to never let the family have any influence ever again on any major decisions involving life choices. If the thing that broke you and your ex up has not been changed or resolved, the two of you are likely to keep breaking up again.
It is OK to still love an ex; it really is. We are human, and are emotions are what they are. Just because you have proven to be romantically incompatible does not mean you automatically shut your feelings off for a person. However, how you feel about a person is simply not enough to make a long-term relationship work. It is one of the saddest lessons of self-awareness.
If you are stuck on an ex, and want to be able to move on and find new love with new people,
check out and sign up for an hour of Frank Coaching
- Published on
How To Set Up a Single Party
To learn more about how to manage your social circles, please check out:
HOW TO BUILD A SOCIAL CIRCLE NETWORK
How to Host A Singles Party
By Frank Kermit
I hear people starting to plan anti-Valentine’s Day Parties because they and many of the people around them happen to be single. Many of these people wouldn’t be single on Valentine’s Day (V-Day) if they would all agree to date someone who already likes them (like the friend who asked them out, but got rejected). Alas, people are complicated as perhaps some of them actually enjoy the other name for V-day: Single Awareness Day (SAD).
With that said, I would like to suggest to anyone hosting an anti-V-Day party that you and your guests need not get stuck on SAD. There is a way to turn your anti-V-Day party into the best kind of singles meet-n-greet.
Many years ago, when I began my personal journey to understanding dating and relationships, I connected with a new circle friends that acted like a support group for one another. We all had a common goal. We wanted better love lives. This group of stellar friends and I decided to put together a singles party, but how we organized it was a little different. When we started to invite others to this singles party, we had very specific and peculiar rules that seemed odd at first, but once people understood the premise, they were into it. Here is what you need to do:
Establish a core group of people that will be doing the inviting. A point person, who is in charge of the guest list, is assigned for everyone to check in with. Each person is only allowed to bring 1 guest, possibly 2; depending on what information the point person has been given.
The rule was, each group member who was single, had to bring someone to the party of the opposite gender, that he or she wasn’t dating. Meaning a man could bring his a female friend that he rejected, or who rejected him, a girl he once dated but is no longer seeing, or even a serious ex-girlfriend that he remains on good terms with. Each woman would have to bring a male friend that she rejected, or who rejected her, a guy that she once dated but is no longer seeing, or even a serious ex-boyfriend that she remains on good terms with.
The goal is to end up with an even number of men and woman, who are all single, who are all interested in meeting new people, and who all know at least one person at the party that will vouch for them in terms of character.
As each guest confirms, the core member informs the point person who accepts the invitation, or who places it on hold until more people accept invitations to keep the numbers evened out. (This works better when all of the original core members are of the same gender, as it is easier to balance the numbers and the guests).
In the event, that a person’s guest backs out of coming at the last minute, the core member is also not permitted to attend the singles party, all in order to keep the numbers fairly balanced.
The result? We were a group of about 20 guys that organized a singles party with about 20 girls as guests. No one left the party early because the ratio of men and women were about equal, and it was a safe way to meet new people, because everyone there was part of a strict invitation list.
Also, the nature of it being an openly announced singles party, and the process and efforts made to keep the numbers balanced, created anticipation in the guests attending.
The plan was to hold a singles party like that once a month, but after a couple of months, there simply wasn’t any motivation. At that point, many of the original party founders had started dating and getting into relationships with people that they had met through the first two parties.
How’s that for success?
So if you and your friends are planning an anti-V-Day party, or if you and your 5 best friends of the same gender were planning on drowning your sorrows that weekend, perhaps you might all put your own egos on the shelf for one night, and try hosting a singles party with the aim of setting up one of your friends with someone that you couldn’t date.
Helping others find love helps them to help you to find love.
To learn more about how to manage your social circles, please check out:
HOW TO BUILD A SOCIAL CIRCLE NETWORK
HOW TO BUILD A SOCIAL CIRCLE NETWORK
How to Host A Singles Party
By Frank Kermit
I hear people starting to plan anti-Valentine’s Day Parties because they and many of the people around them happen to be single. Many of these people wouldn’t be single on Valentine’s Day (V-Day) if they would all agree to date someone who already likes them (like the friend who asked them out, but got rejected). Alas, people are complicated as perhaps some of them actually enjoy the other name for V-day: Single Awareness Day (SAD).
With that said, I would like to suggest to anyone hosting an anti-V-Day party that you and your guests need not get stuck on SAD. There is a way to turn your anti-V-Day party into the best kind of singles meet-n-greet.
Many years ago, when I began my personal journey to understanding dating and relationships, I connected with a new circle friends that acted like a support group for one another. We all had a common goal. We wanted better love lives. This group of stellar friends and I decided to put together a singles party, but how we organized it was a little different. When we started to invite others to this singles party, we had very specific and peculiar rules that seemed odd at first, but once people understood the premise, they were into it. Here is what you need to do:
Establish a core group of people that will be doing the inviting. A point person, who is in charge of the guest list, is assigned for everyone to check in with. Each person is only allowed to bring 1 guest, possibly 2; depending on what information the point person has been given.
The rule was, each group member who was single, had to bring someone to the party of the opposite gender, that he or she wasn’t dating. Meaning a man could bring his a female friend that he rejected, or who rejected him, a girl he once dated but is no longer seeing, or even a serious ex-girlfriend that he remains on good terms with. Each woman would have to bring a male friend that she rejected, or who rejected her, a guy that she once dated but is no longer seeing, or even a serious ex-boyfriend that she remains on good terms with.
The goal is to end up with an even number of men and woman, who are all single, who are all interested in meeting new people, and who all know at least one person at the party that will vouch for them in terms of character.
As each guest confirms, the core member informs the point person who accepts the invitation, or who places it on hold until more people accept invitations to keep the numbers evened out. (This works better when all of the original core members are of the same gender, as it is easier to balance the numbers and the guests).
In the event, that a person’s guest backs out of coming at the last minute, the core member is also not permitted to attend the singles party, all in order to keep the numbers fairly balanced.
The result? We were a group of about 20 guys that organized a singles party with about 20 girls as guests. No one left the party early because the ratio of men and women were about equal, and it was a safe way to meet new people, because everyone there was part of a strict invitation list.
Also, the nature of it being an openly announced singles party, and the process and efforts made to keep the numbers balanced, created anticipation in the guests attending.
The plan was to hold a singles party like that once a month, but after a couple of months, there simply wasn’t any motivation. At that point, many of the original party founders had started dating and getting into relationships with people that they had met through the first two parties.
How’s that for success?
So if you and your friends are planning an anti-V-Day party, or if you and your 5 best friends of the same gender were planning on drowning your sorrows that weekend, perhaps you might all put your own egos on the shelf for one night, and try hosting a singles party with the aim of setting up one of your friends with someone that you couldn’t date.
Helping others find love helps them to help you to find love.
To learn more about how to manage your social circles, please check out:
HOW TO BUILD A SOCIAL CIRCLE NETWORK
- Published on
Age Gap Relationship Interview Collection
Age Gap Relationship aka May December Relationships
are more and more common.
Older men and Younger women,
or older women and younger men,
the stigmas are slowly slipping away.
Here are some media interviews on the topics of people dating 10 years older,
dating 10 years younger, dating 15 years older, 9
years older, or 20 years older or younger.
are more and more common.
Older men and Younger women,
or older women and younger men,
the stigmas are slowly slipping away.
Here are some media interviews on the topics of people dating 10 years older,
dating 10 years younger, dating 15 years older, 9
years older, or 20 years older or younger.
Age Gap Relationships
The STUPH FILE Program, Episode #0251, Original Air Date: June 6 2014
Peter Anthony Holder interviews Frank Kermit about Age Gap Relationships. This is Frank's 6th appearance on the show.
The STUPH FILE Program, Episode #0251, Original Air Date: June 6 2014
Peter Anthony Holder interviews Frank Kermit about Age Gap Relationships. This is Frank's 6th appearance on the show.
May-December, Age Gap Relationships
Date: June 30, 2011, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 5th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about May December Relationships. What are some of the issues that people in May-December Relationships face? Why do people think that May-December Relationships are a sign of people being used and emotional dysfunction? Is there any truth to it? What should a person who has kids already do if they get into a May-December Relationship? Should much older people have children? What are the stigmas to these relationships and how can you combat them? Find out in this interview.
Date: June 30, 2011, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 5th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about May December Relationships. What are some of the issues that people in May-December Relationships face? Why do people think that May-December Relationships are a sign of people being used and emotional dysfunction? Is there any truth to it? What should a person who has kids already do if they get into a May-December Relationship? Should much older people have children? What are the stigmas to these relationships and how can you combat them? Find out in this interview.
Passion - Age Gap Relationships
Frank Kermit makes his 22nd appearance on the Montreal radio show PASSION hosted by Dr. Laurie Betito, a Psychologist with a specialty in Sex Therapy. This show, "PASSION", has soared to take the number one position in its time slot, and it is the only show of its kind on Montreal airwaves. It airs on CJAD 800. This 16th Dating Dilemmas show features Frank and Dr. Laurie talking about May-December Relationships aka Age Gap Relationships
- Published on
Dating With Mental Illness Interview
Part of Bell Let's Talk
Dating Dilemmas 78, this is Frank Kermit's 119th appearance on the Passion radio program. Airs on Montreal CJAD 800 's and Toronto Newstalk 1010 CFRB. Frank Kermit joins producer and host Dr Laurie Betito and Fritz-Gerald of Elite Speed Dating to talk about the Dating Dilemmas people face.
How do you tell the person you dating that you have a mental illness?
Should you hold off from dating if you have a mental illness?
What if your partner starts to exhibit signs of mental illness?
Should you talk about it during speed dating?
- Published on
Dating a Man With Kids, and Penguin Stuff
Dating a Man With Kids, and Stuff About Penguins
By Avi Tanny
"Sorry I'm really not looking for that level of commitment right now"
This was a reply on one of the dating apps I was using (I was honest about being a father).
I really liked what the person said. Honest and to the point.
I decided to create some questions/criteria of my own for dating.
To me there are four basic questions when it comes to dating:
1) What am I offering?
2) What is my date offering?
3) Do we have specific common interests?
4) Is it appropriate to throw pebbles when choosing a mate ( like penguins do)?
Dating can be a real challenge when you are a single father, a young professional or a penguin. Did you know penguins throw pebbles at each other as a mating ritual? I'm not advocating pebble throwing but I think it is more effective then Tinder. I wonder which penguin came up with that idea? Couldn’t they have just pushed, shook wings or something?
As a single father you have to think about the future and whom you want around your children. Has the person taken care of children on a regular basis? If she is a single mom, what happened in the relationship? Are you going to be able to take on the added responsibilities of raising other children?
My problem is chronic tiredness (and male pattern baldness, but one thing at a time). When it's 7 pm I'm on a date and I already feel like dozing off that's not gonna impress anyone. However, if the person has been raising children for a few years they may be in a similar boat. Which is a specific common interest.
Going on a breakfast date may solve that problem.
However, unless they have poutine I'm not a breakfast person.
The question I'm often asked is where do you see yourself in five years?
Likely as a 35 year old adult male, probably with a bad haircut, overweight,
and with terrible dad breath (I'm not sure why we didn't go on a second date).
To me dating is really a drawn out interrogation. The best way around that is too make up some complete nonsense about yourself. For example, you are a direct descendant of AL Capone. Make sure to provide slight details. My great uncle was married to his mother ( not bad?) If the date fails at least you gave her a story to tell.
The important part is to have fun and try to create a friendship, and if that fails, eat somewhere decent.
I always try to avoid alcohol on a first date because alcohol often leads to children.
Top trick : if the date isn't going well have a pre programmed code with the babysitter to bail you out. This is proven to work for me.
In conclusion: At the end of the day it's about what makes you happy. You may go on many dates until you find the right person but make sure you have at least some common ground. Base your views on actually spending time with the person (and their children) before making any decisions.
Perhaps you've been wasting so much time on dating apps you forgot that maybe you should be part of a community. Volunteer? Get together with old friends? Pretend to be vegan? Start a new religion?
Life is good! Think of ways to make it better.
I wouldn't recommend the pebble idea because do you really want a family the size of a penguin family? Have you ever seen only one penguin? I rest my case.
The role of fathers is starting to change in a tremendous way. They even started recreating New Balance shoes to look less bland.
Always look for the good in people and if you can't find it, observe penguins because penguins are pretty awesome.
Please feel free to provide feedback and phone numbers. Very little offends me. Except plastic on furniture, toothpaste after orange juice and pineapples on pizza.
Avi Tanny is a single father, occasional comedian, and full time hater of pineapples on pizza. You can reach him at avitanny@hotmail.com
By Avi Tanny
"Sorry I'm really not looking for that level of commitment right now"
This was a reply on one of the dating apps I was using (I was honest about being a father).
I really liked what the person said. Honest and to the point.
I decided to create some questions/criteria of my own for dating.
To me there are four basic questions when it comes to dating:
1) What am I offering?
2) What is my date offering?
3) Do we have specific common interests?
4) Is it appropriate to throw pebbles when choosing a mate ( like penguins do)?
Dating can be a real challenge when you are a single father, a young professional or a penguin. Did you know penguins throw pebbles at each other as a mating ritual? I'm not advocating pebble throwing but I think it is more effective then Tinder. I wonder which penguin came up with that idea? Couldn’t they have just pushed, shook wings or something?
As a single father you have to think about the future and whom you want around your children. Has the person taken care of children on a regular basis? If she is a single mom, what happened in the relationship? Are you going to be able to take on the added responsibilities of raising other children?
My problem is chronic tiredness (and male pattern baldness, but one thing at a time). When it's 7 pm I'm on a date and I already feel like dozing off that's not gonna impress anyone. However, if the person has been raising children for a few years they may be in a similar boat. Which is a specific common interest.
Going on a breakfast date may solve that problem.
However, unless they have poutine I'm not a breakfast person.
The question I'm often asked is where do you see yourself in five years?
Likely as a 35 year old adult male, probably with a bad haircut, overweight,
and with terrible dad breath (I'm not sure why we didn't go on a second date).
To me dating is really a drawn out interrogation. The best way around that is too make up some complete nonsense about yourself. For example, you are a direct descendant of AL Capone. Make sure to provide slight details. My great uncle was married to his mother ( not bad?) If the date fails at least you gave her a story to tell.
The important part is to have fun and try to create a friendship, and if that fails, eat somewhere decent.
I always try to avoid alcohol on a first date because alcohol often leads to children.
Top trick : if the date isn't going well have a pre programmed code with the babysitter to bail you out. This is proven to work for me.
In conclusion: At the end of the day it's about what makes you happy. You may go on many dates until you find the right person but make sure you have at least some common ground. Base your views on actually spending time with the person (and their children) before making any decisions.
Perhaps you've been wasting so much time on dating apps you forgot that maybe you should be part of a community. Volunteer? Get together with old friends? Pretend to be vegan? Start a new religion?
Life is good! Think of ways to make it better.
I wouldn't recommend the pebble idea because do you really want a family the size of a penguin family? Have you ever seen only one penguin? I rest my case.
The role of fathers is starting to change in a tremendous way. They even started recreating New Balance shoes to look less bland.
Always look for the good in people and if you can't find it, observe penguins because penguins are pretty awesome.
Please feel free to provide feedback and phone numbers. Very little offends me. Except plastic on furniture, toothpaste after orange juice and pineapples on pizza.
Avi Tanny is a single father, occasional comedian, and full time hater of pineapples on pizza. You can reach him at avitanny@hotmail.com
- Published on
For the record, I have stated many times that I do not have a preference for either Monogamy or Non-Monogamy. They are both relationship structures, and one is not better than the other. They are just different. The key is to find what the best relationship structure is for the individuals involved.
Dear Readers, welcome to my 24th book.
Frank Talks: Articles Volume 3: The Monogamy and Non-Monogamy Edition
I decided to do something different with this volume of my collected articles series. In the previous two volumes of FrankTalks: Articles Vol 1 and Vol 2, I collected articles that I had written for different newspapers, magazines and online new sites into collected volumes. The articles were always on a variety of topics, and it gave new readers to my work a taste of the different areas of my expertise.
This volume is a little different.
A few years ago I created a series of newsletters with a particular target audience in mind. When I restructured my coaching business, the multiple newsletters were discontinued, and there I was with multiple articles in my archives on specific subjects. I have included some of those newsletter articles as bonus sections in some of my eBooks, as well as publishing them on my FrankTalks.com Blog. Recently I decided that I had more than enough content on the topics of Monogamy and Non-Monogamy to put together a special edition volume of my FrankTalks Articles series of eBooks.
This edition is NOT a collection of articles on a variety of subjects; it is about two very inter-linked subjects for the interested reader.
The articles in this edition were written as extensions of my Audio programs:
‘Making Monogamy Work- When One Is All You Need’
‘Alternative Relationship Choices: Non-Monogamy’
This 3rd edition of FrankTalks Articles series is the companion eBook to those Audio programs.
Since this eBook is the companion book to the previously mentioned Audio programs, I have included articles from previous volumes of FrankTalks Articles, as well as excerpts of any writings to do with Monogamy and Non-Monogamy from my Coaching Workbooks for Men and for Women. This eBook gives the reader a sample of my teachings in this area.
For the record, I have stated many times that I do not have a preference for either Monogamy or Non-Monogamy. They are both relationship structures, and one is not better than the other. They are just different. The key is to find what the best relationship structure is for the individuals involved. A Monogamous person does not function well in a Non-Monogamous relationship. A Non-Monogamous person does not function well in a Monogamous relationship. It is about people finding out what relationship structure works best for them on an individual level.
It requires a level of self-awareness that the average person does not seek out. The average person takes what is given to them, and many do not question the status quo until a situation comes up that they did not anticipate that causes them to start asking questions. This eBook is to help the questioning beginner find some answers.
Lastly, I have include a short section on Couples in Transition, for already established couples who are contemplating changing their relationship structure, because education of this nature is not just for single people.
I hope that you enjoy this book, and that it helps you achieve whatever your relationship goals are.
Frank Talks: Articles Volume 3: The Monogamy and Non-Monogamy Edition
-Frank
Frank Talks: Articles Volume 3: The Monogamy and Non-Monogamy Edition
I decided to do something different with this volume of my collected articles series. In the previous two volumes of FrankTalks: Articles Vol 1 and Vol 2, I collected articles that I had written for different newspapers, magazines and online new sites into collected volumes. The articles were always on a variety of topics, and it gave new readers to my work a taste of the different areas of my expertise.
This volume is a little different.
A few years ago I created a series of newsletters with a particular target audience in mind. When I restructured my coaching business, the multiple newsletters were discontinued, and there I was with multiple articles in my archives on specific subjects. I have included some of those newsletter articles as bonus sections in some of my eBooks, as well as publishing them on my FrankTalks.com Blog. Recently I decided that I had more than enough content on the topics of Monogamy and Non-Monogamy to put together a special edition volume of my FrankTalks Articles series of eBooks.
This edition is NOT a collection of articles on a variety of subjects; it is about two very inter-linked subjects for the interested reader.
The articles in this edition were written as extensions of my Audio programs:
‘Making Monogamy Work- When One Is All You Need’
‘Alternative Relationship Choices: Non-Monogamy’
This 3rd edition of FrankTalks Articles series is the companion eBook to those Audio programs.
Since this eBook is the companion book to the previously mentioned Audio programs, I have included articles from previous volumes of FrankTalks Articles, as well as excerpts of any writings to do with Monogamy and Non-Monogamy from my Coaching Workbooks for Men and for Women. This eBook gives the reader a sample of my teachings in this area.
For the record, I have stated many times that I do not have a preference for either Monogamy or Non-Monogamy. They are both relationship structures, and one is not better than the other. They are just different. The key is to find what the best relationship structure is for the individuals involved. A Monogamous person does not function well in a Non-Monogamous relationship. A Non-Monogamous person does not function well in a Monogamous relationship. It is about people finding out what relationship structure works best for them on an individual level.
It requires a level of self-awareness that the average person does not seek out. The average person takes what is given to them, and many do not question the status quo until a situation comes up that they did not anticipate that causes them to start asking questions. This eBook is to help the questioning beginner find some answers.
Lastly, I have include a short section on Couples in Transition, for already established couples who are contemplating changing their relationship structure, because education of this nature is not just for single people.
I hope that you enjoy this book, and that it helps you achieve whatever your relationship goals are.
Frank Talks: Articles Volume 3: The Monogamy and Non-Monogamy Edition
-Frank
- Published on
never say I love you quotes
Dating 8 Months No I Love You
By Frank Kermit
There are people who date and even get into serious relationships that are not outwardly expressive about the way they feel. These people do not say, “I love you”. It doesn’t mean they do not feel love, it just means that for whatever reason, they do not express love. These individuals show their love through their actions (they take care of their lovers when their lovers get sick, they do errands for their lovers without complaining, they protect their lovers from anyone that may aim to do their lovers wrong). These individuals that do not say, “I love you” aren’t trying to be malicious; they are not trying to withhold affection, and they are not necessarily blocked in any way. They are just different. They do not outwardly express their sentiment.
There are people who date and get into serious relationships that need to constantly hear outwardly expressions about how their partners feel. These people need to hear their partner’s say, “I love you” on a more frequent basis than the average person would expect. They simply respond strongly to being told, “I love you” from a person that loves them. They have a certain way in which they feel loved by someone, and that way includes an auditory expression of “I love you” that speaks to them more profoundly than the actions that someone takes to demonstrate that same level of love. These people are not needy; they are not desperate or necessarily constantly needing reassurance. They are just different. They need to hear “I love you” expressed to them.
Now, what do you think happens when a person who is not in the habit of saying, “I love you” ends up dating, or gets into a relationship with a person who needs to hear “I love you” frequently?
The person that needs to hear it might start to develop resentment because he or she is not getting an emotional need met in not hearing “I love you”. That resentment might come through in passive aggressive actions, and even cause the person not to be as loving or giving in the relationship. The person may also start to accuse the other of not actually loving the person. Resentment kills intimacy and the motivation to build a future for a relationship.
The person that does not outwardly express him or her self might start to develop resentment because he or she is not feeling appreciated. This person shows love through actions of taking care of the other person. It is very easy for such a person to feel their actions are being dismissed because they do not verbalize their sentiment. A person’s whose loving actions do not feel acknowledged might stop taking those same actions that help bond him or her within the couple.
If you find yourself in such a situation and do not want to lose the relationship you have, it is up to both individuals in the couple to compromise a little and show each partner some consideration.
The non-verbal lover will need to make a little effort to say, “I love you” not for him or her self, but because it connects to their partner. The lover that needs to hear “I love you” needs to adjust their expectations of what their partner can express, and has to be mindful to show appreciation for the loving actions that the partner commits in the name of love.
Every couple has challenges to overcome. Even the best of couples face issues that need to addressed; and this situation is a manageable one if both people are willing to communicate their needs and boundaries and are willing to may slight adjustments before any resentment has a chance to take hold.
-Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
There are people who date and even get into serious relationships that are not outwardly expressive about the way they feel. These people do not say, “I love you”. It doesn’t mean they do not feel love, it just means that for whatever reason, they do not express love. These individuals show their love through their actions (they take care of their lovers when their lovers get sick, they do errands for their lovers without complaining, they protect their lovers from anyone that may aim to do their lovers wrong). These individuals that do not say, “I love you” aren’t trying to be malicious; they are not trying to withhold affection, and they are not necessarily blocked in any way. They are just different. They do not outwardly express their sentiment.
There are people who date and get into serious relationships that need to constantly hear outwardly expressions about how their partners feel. These people need to hear their partner’s say, “I love you” on a more frequent basis than the average person would expect. They simply respond strongly to being told, “I love you” from a person that loves them. They have a certain way in which they feel loved by someone, and that way includes an auditory expression of “I love you” that speaks to them more profoundly than the actions that someone takes to demonstrate that same level of love. These people are not needy; they are not desperate or necessarily constantly needing reassurance. They are just different. They need to hear “I love you” expressed to them.
Now, what do you think happens when a person who is not in the habit of saying, “I love you” ends up dating, or gets into a relationship with a person who needs to hear “I love you” frequently?
The person that needs to hear it might start to develop resentment because he or she is not getting an emotional need met in not hearing “I love you”. That resentment might come through in passive aggressive actions, and even cause the person not to be as loving or giving in the relationship. The person may also start to accuse the other of not actually loving the person. Resentment kills intimacy and the motivation to build a future for a relationship.
The person that does not outwardly express him or her self might start to develop resentment because he or she is not feeling appreciated. This person shows love through actions of taking care of the other person. It is very easy for such a person to feel their actions are being dismissed because they do not verbalize their sentiment. A person’s whose loving actions do not feel acknowledged might stop taking those same actions that help bond him or her within the couple.
If you find yourself in such a situation and do not want to lose the relationship you have, it is up to both individuals in the couple to compromise a little and show each partner some consideration.
The non-verbal lover will need to make a little effort to say, “I love you” not for him or her self, but because it connects to their partner. The lover that needs to hear “I love you” needs to adjust their expectations of what their partner can express, and has to be mindful to show appreciation for the loving actions that the partner commits in the name of love.
Every couple has challenges to overcome. Even the best of couples face issues that need to addressed; and this situation is a manageable one if both people are willing to communicate their needs and boundaries and are willing to may slight adjustments before any resentment has a chance to take hold.
-Frank Kermit
- Published on
Non-Verbal Communication Has Limits
The Limits of Non-Verbal Communication
by Frank Kermit
No one has any obligation to read, follow, interpret or even receive your non-verbal communication. It is unreasonable for anyone to expect or demand that their non-verbal communication be acknowledged.
If you expect that someone should have modified their behaviour towards you based solely on what you felt was a clear non-verbal communication, sorry to burst your bubble, but your expectation is unrealistic, and you will be very disappointed more often than not. If someone is angry with you for not reading his or her non-verbal communication, be sure to let those people know that reacting to their non-verbal communication is not your responsibility.
Common communication theory claims the vast majority of all communication is non-verbal (different sources state it is considered at minimum 55%, and as high as 93% though there are some discrepancies).
This may or may not be true. However, whenever clarity is required, a verbal confirmation is often regarded as the highest form of clear communication to destroy any misunderstandings.
There are two components here that make non-verbal communication so challenging.
The first is that just because you communicate non-verbally to someone, does not take into account that person’s ability to read non-verbal communication cues. If someone is not familiar with your non-verbal cues that you assume would be common knowledge, they may miss your messaging altogether, or possibly misinterpret your message to mean the exact opposite of your meaning. For example, a person acting coy, shy and reserved with the intent of being alluring, may end up being interpreted as uninterested and would rather be left alone. Do not assume the other person will automatically have the same reference point of the non-verbal communication that you do. Also, as my coaching practice shows, especially with adults who have difficulty with social interactions (such as Asperger coaching clients) not everyone can read non-verbal cues as easily as others.
The second is that, non-verbal communication is a communication skill, just like any other. As a skill, it must be practiced and tested to be sure that what you intend to communicate is what is actually getting across as the message received. There are times when I am coaching someone that cannot understand why they continue to be mistreated in dating, with family and even the workplace. When I ask what happens they mention their displeasure, it turns out they never actually say anything directly, but expected that their non-verbal communication was loud enough to be heard (usually it came out as passive-aggressive behaviors that in some cases, made things worse). One must never take for granted that the skills to successful non-verbal communication is a given. On the contrary, it is a skill and art form that always provides something more to learn and improve on. It can be a scary thought to acknowledge that the non-verbal communication skills that a person thinks they have, do not live up to the fantasy they believe.
As far as dating and relationships go, be mindful that your major expectations, rules and boundaries are too important to leave up to non-verbal communication. Simply put, if you want something, you have to speak up and verbally tell the other person exactly what your request is. If you do not, you are at fault if you do not get what you want.
So the next time you are not in a talkative mood, do not hope the other person gets your non-verbal communication of acting distant or aloof, and just tell that person you are not in a talkative mood. If you want your significant other to use mouthwash because of bad breath, instead of using non-verbal communication of turning your head when he or she tries to kiss you on the lips, just ask your partner if they wouldn’t mind freshening up their breath.
Yes, the onus is on YOU, to ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
If you aren’t comfortable being that direct, then at least take enough accountability for yourself so that you do not hold it against others when they do not understand your non-verbal communication. That is not their fault. You are responsible whether or not your communication is received in the context that you intended.
by Frank Kermit
No one has any obligation to read, follow, interpret or even receive your non-verbal communication. It is unreasonable for anyone to expect or demand that their non-verbal communication be acknowledged.
If you expect that someone should have modified their behaviour towards you based solely on what you felt was a clear non-verbal communication, sorry to burst your bubble, but your expectation is unrealistic, and you will be very disappointed more often than not. If someone is angry with you for not reading his or her non-verbal communication, be sure to let those people know that reacting to their non-verbal communication is not your responsibility.
Common communication theory claims the vast majority of all communication is non-verbal (different sources state it is considered at minimum 55%, and as high as 93% though there are some discrepancies).
This may or may not be true. However, whenever clarity is required, a verbal confirmation is often regarded as the highest form of clear communication to destroy any misunderstandings.
There are two components here that make non-verbal communication so challenging.
The first is that just because you communicate non-verbally to someone, does not take into account that person’s ability to read non-verbal communication cues. If someone is not familiar with your non-verbal cues that you assume would be common knowledge, they may miss your messaging altogether, or possibly misinterpret your message to mean the exact opposite of your meaning. For example, a person acting coy, shy and reserved with the intent of being alluring, may end up being interpreted as uninterested and would rather be left alone. Do not assume the other person will automatically have the same reference point of the non-verbal communication that you do. Also, as my coaching practice shows, especially with adults who have difficulty with social interactions (such as Asperger coaching clients) not everyone can read non-verbal cues as easily as others.
The second is that, non-verbal communication is a communication skill, just like any other. As a skill, it must be practiced and tested to be sure that what you intend to communicate is what is actually getting across as the message received. There are times when I am coaching someone that cannot understand why they continue to be mistreated in dating, with family and even the workplace. When I ask what happens they mention their displeasure, it turns out they never actually say anything directly, but expected that their non-verbal communication was loud enough to be heard (usually it came out as passive-aggressive behaviors that in some cases, made things worse). One must never take for granted that the skills to successful non-verbal communication is a given. On the contrary, it is a skill and art form that always provides something more to learn and improve on. It can be a scary thought to acknowledge that the non-verbal communication skills that a person thinks they have, do not live up to the fantasy they believe.
As far as dating and relationships go, be mindful that your major expectations, rules and boundaries are too important to leave up to non-verbal communication. Simply put, if you want something, you have to speak up and verbally tell the other person exactly what your request is. If you do not, you are at fault if you do not get what you want.
So the next time you are not in a talkative mood, do not hope the other person gets your non-verbal communication of acting distant or aloof, and just tell that person you are not in a talkative mood. If you want your significant other to use mouthwash because of bad breath, instead of using non-verbal communication of turning your head when he or she tries to kiss you on the lips, just ask your partner if they wouldn’t mind freshening up their breath.
Yes, the onus is on YOU, to ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
If you aren’t comfortable being that direct, then at least take enough accountability for yourself so that you do not hold it against others when they do not understand your non-verbal communication. That is not their fault. You are responsible whether or not your communication is received in the context that you intended.
