Dating Expectations
By Frank Kermit
 
If you are human and you are dating, chances are you have expectations. Even people who say they have no expectations when dating (at least as far as a potential future together goes), most people still have expectations about how they expect to be treated. Hopefully, people can also communicate their expectations while dating, to ensure those expectations are met, or at least acknowledged.

A mistake that people with dating expectations tend to make, that I often see in my coaching practice, is how people can confuse their Dating Hopes with their Dating Expectations.  A Dating Hope is a feeling of wanting for a certain thing to happen. A hope is like an aspiration that people anticipate, a wish for something to be.  It can be an unrealistic fantasy (like the person of your dreams knocking on your front door specifically for the purpose of falling in love with you, with no prior reasoning of why your soul-mate would know where to find you to begin with). A Dating Hope can sometimes be confused with an aim, plan of design or goal. It is not. You can work towards a goal, but hoping the goal will happen and working towards the goal, are very separate endeavors.  That is where I usually have to step in to help distinguish what are actual Dating Expectations, and what are actually Dating Hopes.

One of the ways I help singles and couples come to terms with their Dating Expectations is to find out how long they have been dating.

If two people have only been dating for 6 weeks or even 2 months, this is usually where the Dating Expectations need some adjustments, as it is unreasonable to demand or assume certain levels of commitment or actions taken by the other person.  Yes, you are dating and yes you may even be exclusive at this point, but ONLY if you have discussed it as a couple and both of you consented and agreed to be exclusive together. Without that conversation, assuming any sort of commitment or future together is not a realistic Dating Expectation.

If two people have been dating 3 months or dating 4 months, it is more understandable that individuals within the couple would have some dating expectations. Lasting together as long as a season of the year is significant enough to merit a conversation to see where this is going. Just because you have been dating 3 months or 4 months, does not mean the two of you will last the rest of the year together, but it is a sign that you like each other enough to still spend time together given that the infatuation phase has started to dissipate.

If two people have been dating 9 months or 12 months (a full year anniversary) I often recommend to couples that it is time to start asking more serious questions about where this is going. A year as a couple, especially if you have been an exclusive couple in that time, is a sign that if you haven’t had a serious talk about the future, do need to do it now. Spending a year or more with the wrong person is not a good thing. By wrong person, I mean a person who you think you have a future with and want a future with, but the other person has no such feelings or similar intentions about you. If the two of you both agree to staying together with the intent of building a future together, that is good. If the two of you both agree that you want to continue to see each other, but that you do not yet see a future together, by all means, continue to see each other on a limited basis, while you both keep your options open to meeting someone else for the potential of something more serious.

If a couple has been exclusively dating for 4 years, 5 years, or even 6 years, and they haven’t yet made any definitely plans for the future this would be a red flag. Any couple can date casually (non-exclusive), or even be friends-with-benefits for however long they want as long as the individuals in the couple are aware that neither one is expecting anything more serious to develop. To be together for years, and not yet planning to spend the rest of your lives together can be costly. If either member of the couple is working against a biological clock, or a life plan time line then being with someone exclusively for 4 years or more with no future goals together, could be the most costly mistake of your lives. 

Dating Expectations, and the Dating Hopes you pin on the person you are seeing, need to reflect what you want long term for your love life. It is not just about what you expect from the other person short term. In summary, the quality of your ability to stay congruent with your Dating Expectations equals the quality of how your future relationship goals will play out in your life.

-Frank Kermit

  (This is a contributed post)

Horse Back Riding as a First Date
By Nancy Smythe
 
So you want to suggest an equestrian outing as a first date. It could certainly be romantic in a riding-off-into-the-sunset kind of way...or not. 
 
Here are some things to keep in mind as you plan your outing to make sure things go as smoothly as possible. 

It is important to consider that riding a horse, even a calm, well trained one can still be risky.  This is a living animal, not an amusement park ride and the risk of falling off is real.

Things such as severe allergies (to the horse, dust or hay), mobility issues etc may limit what kind of activities you can do. 

Be sure to ask your date ahead of time if he or she has allergies or any other issues that would prevent them from enjoying the activity you have planned.  
 
So to start, what kind of activity would you and your date prefer? 

There are a surprising number of stables that offer a variety of services to novice riders within an hour radius of most downtown areas.  It is important to choose a place that will offer the type of experience you both are looking for but with an acceptable level of safety.

It may be for a half hour trail ride all the way to full weekend trail rides with camping, or an hour introductory riding lesson, or even just a petting zoo/farm visit type of experience.

A good place to start your search would be with the Provincial (or State) equestrian association of your area.  In the province of Quebec we have Cheval QuÈbec and the Equi-QualitÈ program  which lists stables that meet the safety and horse welfare criteria set out by our national equestrian association.  There you can search by region and type of activity to find just the right place for your date.  If you are referred to a barn that isn't part of Equi-QUalitÈ or a similar program, it may still be a good place, but make sure of the following:

Are they insured?  It is generally standard to be required to sign a waiver acknowledging the risks.  If they don't have one to sign, they probably aren't insured in case of an accident.  

If you are going to ride, do they have helmets for you to wear? It should also be standard that they have you wear a helmet.  If they don't, not a good sign either. 

Is your guide certified by your national or provincial association? This is not necessarily standard (and not really necessary if you are visiting a farm but not intending to ride) but is becoming more common and also goes a long way to ensuring your safety and enjoyment of the outing.

If they are sending you and your date out on the trail with a non-certified teenager as a guide, definitely not a good idea. Most associations will have lists of certified trainers, instructors and guides available on their web sites. 
 
Once you've booked your outing and are preparing to leave, make sure you and your date are properly dressed.  Skirts, dresses, shorts, sandals and high heels that are commonly worn clothes for summer dates are major no-no’s.  It is dangerous, uncomfortable and a reputable place shouldn't even allow you to ride in such clothing. 

The best clothing for riding is fairly close fitting but not restricting.  Sports pants and boots with a small heel (similar to cowboy boots) are ideal for the average trail ride.   Jeans are ok, but unless you have real riding jeans, you are likely to get blisters or chaffing in all the wrong places because of the seams.  Not particularly conducive to continuing the date after the ride. 

Sun block and insect repellent is recommended as with all outdoor activities.
 
Now you and your date are at the barn and ready to ride!  Make sure you pay attention to the instructions your guide gives you.  Following guidelines will keep you safe and help to ensure an enjoyable ride. 

Do not insist on galloping or even trotting if your date isn't comfortable with it.  Going at speed on a horse is not as easy as it looks.  It takes skill and balance that is most often developed by many hours in the saddle. 

So while keeping the horse at a walk may not satisfy the adrenaline seekers out there, it may still prevent a trip to the hospital. 

Be respectful of your date's comfort zone.

Trail riding or visiting a farm can be a great way to get some quiet time to talk and get to know your date while enjoying a natural setting.  So plan ahead, be prepared and enjoy the ride! 
 

Nancy Smythe has been certified by the Canadian Equestrian Federation (now Equestrian Canada) and the Federation Èquestre du Quebec (now Cheval Quebec) as a Level 1 Trainer since 1991. She has supported numerous riders and their horses in achieving their personal goals, whether those goals are to win a Championship, overcome a particular fear or simply improve communication between horse and rider to instill safe riding skills.

To contact Nancy you can reach her through her Facebook

The Plight of The Mistress Mindset
By Frank Kermit
 
The women who enter into affairs with married men behind a wife’s back seem to take on the wrath of society. When the genders are reversed and it is the wife cheating, society tends to take a more compassion view towards the cheating wife wondering what unfulfilled needs caused her to seek out an extra marital affair.
 
Yet when it is a husband cheating on his wife, it seems to trigger a societal rage, and some of that rage gets directed at the mistress involved.  If the marriage were an open relationship where the wife was aware and consenting to the extra martial relationship, it would no longer be an affair, and there would not be as much cause for the raw hatred because the core issues of trust and abandonment are not being violated.
 
In that case it is likely, as with a number of open relationship couples, that the wife would also have the awareness and consent of the husband to pursue her own paramours. 
 
But the plight of the mistress is not all enveloped in the wrath of fury thrust upon her by the people affected by such an affair. It is not her potential broken heart from unfulfilled promises or ending up alone when a husband decides to work things out with his wife. 
 
It is not even how her friends and family may distance themselves from her if and when her role as a mistress comes to light.

The true plight of a mistress is the danger of the repeating behavior pattern she is enforcing when she enters into a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner. 
 
The longer any person continues to develop attachment and experience in emotionally unavailable relationships, the stronger the predisposition of her mindset to repeat that behavior pattern.
 
The best way to safeguard herself from getting stuck in that repeating behavior pattern is to break it before it starts either by refusing to date a man who seeks to cheat on his wife, or to end things immediately when she discovers that the man she was dating was in fact married and hiding it. 
 
In the latter example, it is unfortunate to report that many women continue to see him, regardless of being lied too, because of how she already feels attached to him.  The advice of how she feels cannot be the most important thing, when in the process of trying to break a repeating behavior pattern, is simply unpopular with such women and is part of the reason she is likely to continue repeating it.
 
Like any unhealthy addiction, the longer we do something that is not good for us, the harder it becomes to stop doing it. 
 
Being a mistress becomes normalized the longer you do it, to the point where, single men who would be interested in a serious relationship with you, would turn you off.
 
This is why many mistresses actually end up losing interest in their married lovers once the wives dump those men after the affair becomes public.  Part of the attraction is all the intrigue and emotional range from biting forbidden fruit, the naughtiness of having something you aren’t suppose to have, the drama of anticipating the next spontaneous secret rendezvous and so on.
 
Eligible single male candidates who are not cheating on anyone simply aren’t as alluring for women trapped in the repeating behavior pattern of the mistress mindset.
 
My hopes are that any mistresses who are reading this will see herself and seek out some form of therapy, counseling or coaching to help break the repeating behavior pattern of the mistress mindset.
 
You obviously have lots of love to give, and the world definitely needs people with love to give. It is just a matter of healing and learning to give love to the right people.
 
Frank Kermit

 When The Ex is Hard To Forget
World Does Not Stop For Your Broken Heart
By Frank Kermit
 
When your ex is too hard to forget, what becomes too easy to forget is: that the rest of the world is not going to stop while you nurse your broken heart. The rest of the world, and the people around you, will continue to go through life’s ups and downs. One of the shockers for people with major broken hearts is that when they start to come out of the spell of hurt they are under, they sometimes are amazed at how much life has changed around them and they did not notice until now. It is like waking up from a bad dream, but you were never actually asleep, and now you also feel like you need to mourn the lost time of being so broken hearted, that you put your own life on hold.

If you are suffering from a broken heart, here are some tips for getting over an ex so that you do not lose any more time than you have to.


1. Create new memories

If you and your ex used to dance to a particular song, dance with every new date you get to that song. If you and your ex used to frequent a particular restaurant, then go there with every new date you have. With each new person that you see, you create memories to help combat how you filter your past memories with your ex. That “special something” that you only did with your ex, stops being so “special”. It also loses its power to remind you of the pain of missing your ex.
 

2. No bad mouthing the ex

Bad mouthing your ex doesn’t help you deal with the pain of missing your ex. It may feel like it does at first. Bad mouthing another person can make you feel like you have a little power and control in the moment because it brings about feelings of anger and hatred. However, all that does is keep you feeling pain about your ex. Yes, your ex may have wronged you, but continuing to bad mouth your ex keeps the hate alive, and also halts you from feeling good with new love. Hate breeds more hate, and makes you forget how to love.


3. The realization that if it was meant to be, it would have been
 
“But if I just did this one thing different…but if my ex just didn’t do that thing…but if one of us had just decided something different….but…but…but”. STOP! There is NO but…but…but. If the two of you were suppose to stay together, then nothing would have split the two of you up romantically. Mistakes are going to happen, and every relationship faces obstacles. No one has an “easy” relationship.
 
The best of couples will find themselves struggling sometimes just to connect emotionally when life gets in the way. And I do mean the BEST of couples. If you and your ex were “meant to be” then you would “still be”. The fact that the two of you could not survive whatever it was that caused the split; then it simply could not work out in any case being the two people you both are at this time.


4. Take the time to mourn the future

One of the areas that many people do not give proper credence is that in order to get over your ex, you have to mourn the future you have built up in your head about your ex. When you are in a relationship, it is normal to imagine what your future will be like with that person. This can include, where you are going to live together, marriage, having kids, grand kids, growing old together…well here is how you deal with that: You must understand that there is the conscious mind that knows the difference between fantasy and reality and then there is the sub conscious mind that believes that both fantasy and reality are actually one and the same.
 
On a sub conscious level, you FEEL like you and your ex have already been together as long as you have fantasized about, even if you have only dated a short time. When you break up, it is important to mourn the loss of that fantasy future you built up just as much as you mourn the loss of the real relationship, because there is a part of you that FEELS the fantasy future was as real as it gets. The loss of the relationship is not the only thing that you need to grieve for. There is the loss of the future you dreamed about too.

If you have ever been in love and lost that love, then you know the heart break of not being able to forget an ex.


5. Deconstruct the ex symbol
 
Often times, one of the biggest challenges in getting over an ex, is that your ex became a symbol. There is your ex, the human being…and then your ex, the symbol. When the person you are dating becomes a symbol for some greater cause that you attach to that person, that symbol will still exist in your mind, even if you break up, and can last long after your ex is gone from your life. For example, if dating a specific person became a symbol of your own self worth, then when you stop dating that person, your self worth will be attacked.
 
So let’s say that you always felt bad about yourself and have very low self esteem…but one day you end up in a relationship with a person that you feel is “the best thing” that you could ever hope for in dating. If that “best thing” becomes your symbol to mean that you are a worthwhile human being because you are dating your partner…it is only a matter of time, before your own self worth issues surface and maybe even cause you to self sabotage your relationship. Once your partner becomes your ex, you may not just have to mourn the loss of your partner in your life, but you may have to also deal with how your ex as a symbol, changes the way you see, feel and think about yourself.
 
Be with a person, because you actually want to be with that person, and not because that person symbolizes to the world, your peers, your family, or whomever else you are trying to get approval from, that you are “worthy”. The richest man loving you, nor the most beautiful women loving you will NEVER make you feel worthy of anything, if you don’t already feel you are worthy of loving yourself first.
 

6. Date other people
 
It is normal to want to isolate yourself when dealing with heartbreak. Just because it is normal, does not mean it is the correct thing to do. If you are nursing a broken heart, and someone wants to date you, then get out there and date.

Be careful not to try to take out your frustrations regarding your ex on the new person you date. If you are unable to do that, then wait. Once you do get to the point where you can appreciate the new people in your life that want to woo you, then let someone woo you…or be wooed by you.
 
Everyone has a clock that is ticking. We are all running out of time. You have a choice of how to spend a portion of your time. You can choose to be alone and feel sorry for yourself, or you can choose to make the effort to find new people to connect with and share yourself.


7. Stop spending time/communicating with ex, get used to the new normal
 
Life without the ex is all about getting used to the “new normal”. This process is also taught to people that are suffering from massive grief when a loved one dies. Although the emotions, and some of the healing process may be similar, there is one underlying difference. Your ex is not dead; only your relationship with your ex is dead. For this reason, it is only natural that you would want to stay in touch with the ex, and want to keep your ex in your life. At first, it does make the pain easier to deal with…it also helps keep the hope alive that the two of you might rekindle. But what happens when there is no rekindling of the relationship? You are then going to have to deal with the full brunt of the pain you have been avoiding, as well as the pain of having stayed in contact.

This does not mean to become enemies with your ex. It does mean that you need to take time away from your ex, until you get used to not having your ex as your partner. The sooner you get used to the new normal of life without your ex, the sooner you and your ex can actually be friendly with one another in the future.


8. There is something you needed to learn…figure it out
 
There is one common element in every single relationship you have ever had. It’s YOU. When a relationship ends, the most important thing you can do is look for the lesson for you to learn, so that you do not make any of the same mistakes again.
 
Did you think you could handle a particular element of your relationship, and ended up learning that you aren’t as liberal or open-minded as you would like to think? Did you date someone that had values that were so different from yours, and you didn’t think it was a big deal, until after you got more serious? Did your instincts scream not to get involved and you learned to trust your gut more? Maybe you learned that your gut instincts are actually wrong and that you shouldn’t trust it when choosing a relationship partner.
 
Regardless of how the relationship ended, the fact is, it ended. Even in the best of circumstances where the two of you broke up very amicably and simply weren’t compatible, there is still a lesson to learn…and the biggest lesson is figuring out how to read the signs that you would not work out in such a relationship, so that you don’t end up seriously dating someone with a similar personality as that of your ex.


9. Stop the desire for revenge

Sharing secrets you promised never to share, or passing around intimate photos and videos you made with your ex to get them back, is one of the worst things you can do. Not just because it is wrong, but also because in doing so, you will end up having to relive the pain of the break up, to keep you feeling that your acts of vengeance are justified. One thing is for certain…if you continue to aim for revenge, the on thing that will absolutely keep is the hurt. Revenge doesn’t always balance out the hurt…it can sometimes be the source of keeping the hurt burning.

No matter how things ended, seeking revenge rarely takes the pain away. It just perpetuates the pain. Revenge only makes a person feel some sense of power and control for a moment…and when the moment passes, it leaves the revenge seeker feeling even emptier. If a person makes the right move, they stay away from revenge. If the person makes the wrong move, they try to seek out getting an even more despicable revenge thinking that it will sooth them of their growing emptiness. Take my word for it…taking revenge on an ex rarely makes things better.


10. Forgive yourself to find closure

Forgive yourself. Forgive the mistakes you made in the relationship. Forgive your part in the break up. Forgive yourself for choosing to date your ex to begin with. Forgive yourself for having a relationship that ended. Forgive yourself for being human. Forgive yourself for not being perfect at relationships. Forgive yourself for making your ex cry, hurt or mourn. Forgive yourself for not knowing how to make that relationship work. Forgive yourself for the time you might feel you wasted with your ex. Forgive yourself for everything you are still angry with yourself for regarding the relationship.
 
I have often found that when you reach a point where you can learn from your relationship mistakes and can trust yourself not to make those same mistakes again, that is when people can forgive themselves. In self-forgiveness people find the closure they seek. You will not find closure from your ex. You find closure from within.

Dating With Mental Illness
By Frank Kermit
 
The term Mental Illness covers a variety of mental health conditions and disorders. Commonly mental illness will affect and change a person’s mood, emotion, thinking and behaviors (or a combination of these). 

Mental illnesses are health conditions; they can be feared and misunderstood by many people but they are nothing to be ashamed of. Mental illness is common, and more common than many people care to admit.

   
If you have a mental disorder, should you mention it when dating? If so, when do you bring it up? First date? Just before initiating intimacy? Before moving in together? On your online dating profile before you even meet a person?

In order to answer this, you will have to make a choice.

If you are comfortable with the entire world knowing your personal challenges with mental illness, then bring it up on a first date. If you do not care about your privacy in this regard, then there is no point hiding it longer than need be. For example, if you suffered severe depression in the past, and may be prone to having a severe episode in the future, and you do not care who knows about it, then share it in conversation on the first date. 

Does it have to be the first thing you say after you say hello?  Nope.

But it is something you should tell the person if you see the two of you are getting along, and the best way to bring it up is calmly, and as a matter of fact. For example, you are getting along on the date, have been talking for about an hour, and have found you have a few things in common and decide that you like the person enough that you might like the date to go longer into the night, or even already thinking about a second date.

A way to bring it up, is to calmly and simply mention that there is something you want to talk about, and that you really like the person so far, and you want the person to know this, so that it doesn’t become an issue in the future. Then tell the person about some of the challenges you deal with. A different way you can bring it up, is to ask the person if they have ever dealt with any mental health issues, or know of someone they care about who has.

One of three things will happen. The person will either answer the question and then ask you the same question back, the person may answer the question and not ask you the same question back; or the person will ask you why you are asking. In any case, this would be a good time to talk about your challenges with mental illness.

Something to keep in mind is that you are the ambassador to train people how to treat you. If you behave unsure about your condition, or if you communicate that you are uncomfortable discussing your condition, you may trigger the person you are speaking too to be just as unsure and uncomfortable about you. If you communicate your situation with self-love, and demonstrate that you are accepting of your situation, you will influence others to feel the same way about you.

For this to work, please make sure that you are as knowledgeable about your mental health issues as you can be, and help the person you are dating better support and assist you by clearly communicating your emotional needs, and boundaries (as the case may be).

Now then, if you do NOT want information of your mental illness to become public domain, then you will have to work a little harder at screening the person you are dating to see if they are trustworthy enough to share this information as well as have the capacity of compassion and understanding. This means that during conversations in the early stages of dating, you must test the person by asking them questions that will reveal how they feel about your mental illness without revealing that you have it. For example, if a particular artist or performer has the same mental illness as you, you can start out by a conversation of the album or movie that person appeared on. Lead that conversation from the art, to the person, and mention in casual conversation the mental health issues of that person.


Then gauge the reaction of your date.


If your date talks about coping with mental illness with compassion and understanding, it is a sign you may be able to share secret parts of yourself with that person later on. If your date reacts in a very negative way where you do not feel safe reveal your secret to them, it is a sign you likely should not continue dating the person at all.


For example, if you want to know if the person you are dating can be open to talking about your depression, anxiety and your past suicide attempt, you can start by bringing up your favorite movies starring the late actor Robin Williams. From talking about the movies, to a discussion about the star himself who was publicly known for dealing with mental illness, that tragically took his own life in 2014, how your date reacts and discusses mental health will reveal if you are with a compatible partner. (P.S. I miss Robin Williams, forever my Mork).

Two warnings to the people that need to keep their mental health issues a secret from the people they date. 

First warning is not to pay the mind games of getting your date to fall in love with you before telling them. It is manipulative and unethical. Let the person you date be able to make an informed decision before getting too attached to you, and focus on screening your date for compatibility as mentioned above.

The second warning is do not make the mistake of not telling someone that is on the verge of committing to be life partners with you. If you have suffered, or continue to suffer, with mental illness, and you are getting serious with someone, that person should know what challenges they face in being seriously involved with you. Chances are you may find yourself dealing with your struggle in the future, and your life partner should at least know what to expect from you, just as you would want to know something this serious about your life partner.

To anyone reading this that refuses to date someone that has suffered with mental illness, or is at risk, I want to explain something to you. It can happen to anyone, at any point in the life span. There is no guarantee that people who are at risk for mental illness will ever succumb to it in their lifetime. With that said, there is no guarantee that just because someone has never struggled with mental illness before means they will never struggle with it.

Just because someone had a parent that needed medication to cope with mental illness does not automatically means that the person you are dating is going to require the same means to cope with life.  Just because the person you are dating has never dealt with panic attacks or depression does not mean that they will not start to deal with them after a traumatic event much later in life. It is that common.

Like ANY physical health issue, it can strike at any point. Whether the result of a bad unforeseeable accident, or resulting after a number of warning signs taking effect, or happening seemingly without cause, it can happen to anyone you are dating, just as it can happen to you.

Treat others with the same compassion and understanding, as you would have them treat you. When it comes to mental illness, this is more applicable as one day, it could very well be you.

I invite you to join me on Wednesday January 25th at 10 pm EST when I take part in Bell Let’s Talk, as a guest on Dr Laurie Betito’s radio program Passion, for their monthly feature Dating Dilemmas where I will talk about Dating with Mental Illness with Dr. Laurie Betito, and co-host Fritz-Gerald Morisseau of https://www.elitespeeddating.com/

The show will be broadcast LIVE in Montreal on CJAD 800 AM (http://www.iheartradio.ca/cjad) as well as broadcast in Toronto on NewsTalk 1010 AM (https://www.iheartradio.ca/newstalk-1010)

Battling Insecurities When Dating
By Frank Kermit
 
Insecurities can be an obstacle in your dating life. The special challenge is that even if you find someone that you like, who happens to like you back, your own insecurities will more than likely sabotage every great potential relationship you find.
 
Insecure people usually lack a certain confidence, and can be troubled by self-doubt about their own abilities, skills, and their own self-worth.
 
People can feel insecure about a variety of things such as weight, height, attractiveness, facial features, disabilities, social status and even whether or not they are deserving of being treated well or of experiencing being loved.
 
When your insecurities overwhelm your entire sense of self worth, it may be referred to as an inferiority complex, which can at times drive individuals to overcompensate to achieve extreme related success.
 
For example, a person with an inferiority complex about his or her looks, could potentially go to extreme measures to be considered very attractive, such as people who starve themselves to unhealthy near death limits, or people who train hard to the point of injuring themselves.
 
Insecurities can be rooted both from childhood experiences (for example, growing up with a feeling of unworthiness of love or attention from a parent), as well as, experiences from an adult's life (for example, a failure of some kind that became wrapped up in the adult's self identity).
 
In my practice, what I see most often is that insecure people attempt to solve their insecurities by aiming to be as perfect as possible.
 
This means not taking any action in dating waiting for the perfect time, waiting for the perfect partner, or waiting until he or she achieves some great accolade before being open to dating.
 
Striving for perfection does not seem to alleviate insecurities. It actually exasperates the problem constantly leaving an individual feeling like he or she is not ever perfect enough to be loved.
 
Full on acceptance of self is the best solution for insecurities. It is the complete opposite of the source of being insecure, and when a person fully accepts and loves him or her self, they also accept their insecurities as part of what makes them whole and unique.
 
Once you reach a point where you do not fear abandonment, or fear being unwanted, and accept yourself for all the reason you think people could potentially reject you, that is when you give off the belief in yourself that attracts people.
 
When you are OK with you, you teach others how to be OK with you.
 
This does not mean that EVERYONE is going to flock to you. Fact is, even at your best, there will likely always be a percentage of the population that will not accept you.
 
However, once you fully accept you, you may be surprised to find out that many other people (the majority in fact) will be more accepting of you as well, no matter what it was you originally felt insecure about.
 
The aim is not to ignore the element at the heart of your insecurity, or to try to hide it from others. It means that others may also acknowledge the existence of what you were insecure about, and still accept you with it.
 
One of the behaviors I always encourage in my clients to help them along the path to a stronger self-esteem and to build up self-acceptance is to stop judging other people.
 
Treat people with compassion at all times. It is a learn-able skill just like any other. Avoid gossiping about people, making fun of anyone for any reason whatsoever (in person or online), and be accepting and tolerant of others, even if you do not like them.
 
They do not have to conform to your own sense of appeal for you to accept them. You do not have to like a person, their look, or their lifestyle, in order to accept them and respect their rights as human beings; whatever flaws you may see in them.
 
How openly or harshly you judge others are signs of how little or how much you compassionately accept yourself.
 
Frank Kermit

Dating With Disabilities
By Frank Kermit
 
I once went on a date with a woman that had severe food allergies. We went out to a movie and I wished she had told me ahead of time. Although she mentioned that she was deathly allergic to peanuts, what she did not tell me (and I guess she felt I would have inferred) is that a movie theater was not a safe environment for her. She needed to be careful that someone coming in late to the movie and sitting near her was not eating anything that could end up being dropped near any exposed skin of hers. I never ate nuts of any kind at the movies, so it was never something that even crossed my mind. Much of our date was her spending her attention on potential threats to her life.
 
On the one hand, I could appreciate her trying to accommodate me, but on the other hand, if she had been more direct and told me the best places for us to have a date (based on what she already knew about her disability) it would have made for an even better date for us.
 
You are your greatest ambassador in your life. You are the one person that can step up and expertly describe to others exactly how you want and need to be treated. Some people struggle with this because they do not know how to stand up for themselves to communicate what they need and want, while others struggle because, they simply do not know what it means to be treated well in general. When someone has a disability of any sort which compromises their means of living in any way, getting into the dating scene can be a little more challenging than most people.
 
Whether your disability has to do with one of your senses (deafness), a physical challenge (you are in a wheelchair), an intellectual challenge (learning disability of some kind), or any other disability that you assume may get in the way of some aspect of your dating life, the best way to communicate what you need is DIRECTLY AND POLITELY.
 
Let the people in your life know what you need in no uncertain terms. Tell them what they can expect from you, and what you require from them in order for the two of you to associate and get along. It is not always an easy thing to do, especially if you are not used to asking for help, or even talking about your disability in general.
 
Not all disabilities are visible and no one would ever suspect it, unless directly told by the person who has the disability that it exists.
 
A key point to remember is if you act embarrassed or ashamed of your disability, whenever you teach people how to treat you, then your uneasiness with your disability is part of what you are teaching others.
 
Even if you tell them with your words that it is OK that you have your disability and that you can still have a relationship with them, if your tonality and other communication factors (your facial expression. Body language and the energy in your eyes) tells people something different such as you do not believe what you are saying; you are likely going to be rejected, regardless of your efforts.
 
When sharing your disability, it is necessary to be positive, and reflect on the gifts your disability has given you. Yes, a disability that has taken something away from you may in fact be the same disability that has given you a gift that is likely taken for granted. If the person with the disability takes it for granted, it is more challenging to have potential romantic partners see the brighter side of it. A disability may have the effect of intangible benefits that are generally not valued as much as tangible benefits.
 
In my experience, both personal and professional, when disabled people remain angry or resentful about their disability, it is more difficult for them to find qualities they appreciate about their disability. It is human, and very normal, to feel negative about a disability.
 
However, when trying to establish a certain quality of life, a needed component is the ability to embrace the positive in your life, and that includes whatever positives a person can identify, even as a result of a disability.
 
For the struggles my own weight issues have given me throughout my life, it has also given me the capacity for a non-judgmental frame of reference when dealing with people and their own body image issues.
 
Knowing how hurtful it is to be mistreated for the way I look, I strive to endeavor to treat others in an accepting manner regardless of their body type. That is a value, albeit an intangible one. If I acknowledge my acceptance of others as a character trait of value, those around me, are even more likely to appreciate that about me as well. If I were to take my valuable trait for granted, it is even more likely that those around me will also take me for granted. Get it?
 
Almost every disability has a capacity to give the disabled person a gift. Physical limitations can give someone the ability to have compassion for others. Allergies can give someone a heightened sense of awareness of their environments (to observe any potential threats). Chronic illness can give someone the ability to have a deep appreciation for good days and good people. These intangible qualities are easy to ignore and take for granted.
 
However one of the most important elements for relationship success is how a person treats you. Much of that important element is based on a person's intangible qualities. When you can appreciate those qualities in yourself, it can be a means of appreciating those qualities (REALLY appreciating them) in others.
 
That new ability of appreciating the intangible in others is one of the special qualities of being able to sort out the red flags in order to better help you find your future soul mates. Yes, it is all connected; A-ha moment anyone?
 
Sometimes it can get tiring to always be the one to educate the rest of the world about your disability. Well, get used to it. Disability or not, we ALL have to do it. Every single one of us is responsible to educate others about who we are, and how we want to be treated. It is a never-ending burden that depending how you choose to manage it, can also be an empowering exercise of personal expression.
 
Finally, we must acknowledge that when you do tell people you want to date and talk about your disability, and explain whatever extra attention you will need in order for that person to be in a relationship with you, that yes, you are taking a chance and YES, you WILL GET REJECTED by some people. It is inevitable.
 
There will always be those that walk away from you, no matter how well you communicate about how feasible it is to enjoy dating you. On the flip side, there will always be those people that will not be fazed by whatever your disability is that simply would enjoy the chance of dating you. There is nothing to convince those people that they see you as a person with a disability, and not as a disability wrapped up in a person. It is those in the middle (and sometimes they are the majority) who will not know how to act. It is not that they will automatically reject you, or accept you.
 
They simply do not know enough about your disability to decide. These are the people that you can exercise a power of influence upon. With that said, they will look to you for an example of how they should behave (accepting or rejecting). That is where the ability to connect deeply exists.
 
Your ability to love and fully accept yourself gets the opportunity to transcend to others, helping others to have the ability to love and accept you. After all is said and done, it is your ability to love and accept yourself, in addition to your ability to communicate that self love and self acceptance to others, and not the disability itself, that will play the biggest role in the creation of your love life.
 
As for the peanut girl, she decided that she did not want to continue seeing me. One of her reasons was that she felt we could not have a relationship because I would have had to give up going out socially carefree always on the look out for allergic dangers, and she worried I would eventually resent her. It is too bad she disqualified herself as I did not have a problem with that, and I would have loved to see her again.
 
Frank Kermit

Sexual Compatibility When Dating
By Frank Kermit
 
Sex. How scary the word can be when having to discuss your sexual boundaries with someone new that you are dating.
 
A common question, I am asked by singles that are aiming to figure out the dating rules, is:
 
How soon is too soon for adults to start having sex when dating someone new?
 
Some schools of thought suggest waiting on having sex with someone new until you have gotten to know the person better.
 
This method helps stave off getting too attached to someone too soon, as having sex can increase attachment for some people. It is believed that holding off also helps discourage people who pretend to seek something more meaningful but that just wanted sex, and will abandon partners right after sex.
 
Other schools of thought suggest that having sex right away works best.
 
This method gets the sex out of the way so that neither person is pre-occupied with sexual anticipation, and prevents either partner from building up what the sex could be like in their fantasies, which may come crashing down when the reality of sex happens.
It is also believed that having sex right away helps discover if you have sexual chemistry, which for some people is very important to the long term success of the relationships they seek.
 
In the end, it comes down to sexual values and finding someone that has similar values to you, in order to best make it work.
 
There is nothing wrong with waiting for sex, or having sex right away, as long as, you are acting congruently within the boundaries of your sexual values. It is important that you seek a partner that has compatible sexual values as you do.
 
The trouble exists where people have hypocrisies in their personal value structure. A person who wants sex right away, but condemns any partner that willingly has sex right away has a hypocrisy that needs to be resolved.
 
A person that believes that sex is a special intimate act that should only take place after two people have gotten to know one another over a longer period of time, but then rationalizes that a one night stand with a stranger does not count also has a hypocrisy that needs to be resolved.
 
These become very challenging if and when you have children with someone that you do not share similar sexual values, as conflicts will arise when it is time for the sex education of your children about sexual values.
 
It is up to you to come to terms with your own sexual values and to eliminate any personal hypocrisy you may have about sex.
 
Seeking someone with sexually compatible beliefs is much more important than trying to follow rules for yourself that may conflict with the way you really feel about sex.
 
It is for no one to judge you for your desires, and the best way to protect your freedom to choose for yourself, is to set an example, and not judge others for choosing differently for themselves.
 
Frank Kermit

 Creating More Luck For Love:  Manifesting Destiny
By Frank Kermit

Check out the Emotional Needs Analysis Mastery System

When it comes to having luck in life, some people really are lucky in love. These individuals tend to be attracted to people who are also attracted to them.
 
These individuals do not appear to have to "work" to find love; love finds them. These individuals just happen to be at the right place, right time, and meet the right people for things to, well, just happen.
 
These individuals can afford to focus on other areas of their lives and when the time is right, love will seem to magically appear. However, what does a person do, when that person does not happen to be one of these individuals who are lucky in love?
 
If you are someone that is simply not lucky in love, chances are you cannot leave your love life up to chance and must take matters into your own hands.
 
When you are left wanting for love in your life, doing nothing tends to be the worst thing you can do. In any area of life that you are unsatisfied with, being proactive is often the better option, than waiting idly for things to change on its own.
 
This may mean you will have to try new experiences that could push you out of your comfort zone, but that is a reasonable trade off given everything you have to gain (i.e. all the potential new love, affection, dates and relationships you desire but do not yet have in your life).
 
One of the ways to increase your luck for love is solid life planning. This means thinking long and hard about what your long term and short term life goals are, figuring out where you meaningfully want to end up, and then working backwards on the timeline of your life right back to the present day.
 
Once you know where you want to end up, and have more than just a passing idea of what lifestyle you want day-to-day, you will give yourself the road map necessary to follow through and build your ideal love life in a more realistic fashion.
 
Start out by asking yourself where you see yourself in 10-15 years from now. If you already have kids, what are your plans for them? If you do not yet have kids, what are your intentions? Career wise; are you going for further training?
 
Are you living in the big city, or small town? What physical condition are you in and what health challenges are you likely facing based on your family history and personal health practices?
 
How this works is that with each goal you are setting, there is going to be a time or criteria requirement that you do not control.
 
For example, if you want a certain career, you may have to embark on a specific number of years in education and work experience. If you want to have a certain number of children there are considerations about how many years apart your children are going to be.
 
Then you must go back and factor in any conflicts in your timeline because you may not be able to complete that particular PhD at the same time as backpacking overseas, while raising your family, on the income you are set to make at that time.
 
How does all this factor into your love life? When you know exactly what you want out of life, where you want to be, and how you want to end up living, it will help you define where you can go to meet people that likely want the same things you want, who have compatible goals and values that you have.
 
For example, if you know that you want to live an off-the-grid lifestyle, you can direct yourself to events, meet ups, educational symposiums and social gathers of like minded people and increase your chances of finding a love partner that wants to commit to a relationship with such a common principle-based foundation.
 
We may not be able to predict the future, or control life circumstances, but we most certainly can influence our fortunes by knowing ourselves and planning ahead as much as possible, to get a little luckier.
 
Frank Kermit

 Separation and Dating
 By Frank Kermit
 
One of the most damaging actions an individual can take is to start dating someone new when going through a separation with their serious long-term partner (spouse, common-law partner or a defacto-union).

When I use the term separation here, it is not to be confused with a Legal Separation, which is a legal status, and an alternative to divorce for couples that have moral or religious objections to legal divorce.

I am specifically referring to when a couple goes through a separation where they are taking time apart from each other, living separately, in a period of limbo where there is an equal possibility of either a divorce or a reconciliation. This period can be especially difficult when there are children involved.
 
Some therapists recommend that individuals date other people. I completely disagree with this stance. Involving anyone new into a dynamic that is already in a vulnerable shape that turns it into an emotional triangle can wreak havoc on both partners, cause incredible distress on any children who rely on the partners who are separated, as well as cause confusion for the people you date.
 
The point of such a separation is not to experience it as a trial divorce, as many couples unfortunately assume it to be. In fact, the whole reason that separations occur is to work at every possible solution to give the relationship every chance it can have to survive. You do not need to separate first in order to file for divorce (except in the rarest of cases where you must be separated for a specific period of time for a court ordered divorce when one of the partners refuses to agree to it). If you want a divorce, get a divorce. Do not sugarcoat a divorce with a separation if you have no intention of working on your current relationship while separated.
 
What to do during a separation: Work on yourself and whatever issues you may have that contributed to the separation. Get tested for depression. Seek out therapy and coaching. Sober up and deal with your demons. Learn about how to address emotional needs and how to have your own emotional needs addressed.
 
Spend your time alone doing self-reflection and bettering your understanding of love and relationships. Ask yourself why you would have made the choices you made that got you into this situation to begin with. Ask yourself what you have to change to build a future life plan where you will not end up here again. If you invest in a couple of years of this kind of time into healing, then so be it. What is a couple of years compared to the lifetime you can have when reconciled with your partner, and other parent, of your children? It is worth it.
 
What not to do during a separation: It is not a time to form a close bond with new people that would threaten your relationship. Do not hang out with friends and family that have always encouraged you to break it off. It is not a time to be hanging out in bars playing the pickup game. It is not a time to be part of any unplanned pregnancy. It is not a time to be isolating your children from your partner as revenge on your partner. It is not a time to live out all those things you always wanted to do, but were prohibited by your relationship. It is not a time to make significant asset purchases like a new home. It is not a time to make any life altering plans given the lack of emotional stability in your life. It is not a time to uproot your kids from the remaining stability in their lives.
 
Separation does not automatically lead to divorce unless you let it. It is up to you and your partner to put in the work so that it does not happen. In the event you are the only one trying to work on yourself and your partner is not, the exercise is NOT in vain. Do it anyways. At worst, you may influence your partner into participating. At best, you will reach a level of emotional health and be able to teach your children from a broken home what it is to be able to manage an emotionally healthy relationship by serving as an example. If you do not make the efforts to heal, you will likely find yourself in a similar situation again in the future. If you do heal, but do not get the co-operation you need to save your relationship, you can take comfort in the fact you will be able to form better relationships for yourself in the future, which will benefit you, and any children who will be touched by your new relationships.
 
People are their repeating behavior patterns, and it is likely that whatever the issues that broke up your first serious relationship, are likely going to break up the second one as well, unless you work on yourself to correct those behavior patterns. Changing your partner will not solve the issues you carry inside. When the second serious relationship ends, is when most people realize they likely would have had an easier and possibly happier life (for their children as well) if they had just worked out the issues with their first serious relationship.
 
At the very least, be ethical if you are enacting a separation with your partner. You are dealing with another human being, and giving any false hope when you have already decided that this is the beginning of the end, is a horrible thing to do. It is not just your partner you need to consider here.
 
Even if you are too angry and resentful at your partner, and have reached a point where you just do not care, any children you have with your partner will surely be affected by the negative emotions. Your children are half you, and half your partner, and will internalize your negative feelings towards your partner, no matter how much you try to shield them from it.
 
If you do date someone while in the middle of a separation, the worst thing you can do is throw it in your partner's face for your own satisfaction, or as a means of getting a reaction out of your partner. In fact, this is creating a divide, not just with your partner (which you may be too drunk on negative emotions to care about); it has the incredible potential to also turn your own children against you, through no encouragement from your partner. This type of violation of security in your children is more difficult to heal than the problems you have with your adult partner.
 
If you want to end it and leave, then file for divorce and be done with it. Telling your partner that you are separating to think about things and that you intend to make the effort to work things out, when in actuality you are just making it easier to manage your secret affair that you plan to leave your partner for, is a mistake. The odds are high that you will surely end up alone, or in a worse situation than you are in now. Statistically, new relationships that start out as affairs rarely last any significant amount of time, but the damage done to the children who learn of the affair is longer lasting.
 
Separation is no time to start dating new people.
 
Frank Kermit