Rejection:  The Best Worst Thing  That Can Ever Happen To You
By Frank Kermit
 
Rejection is the worst best thing that can ever happen to you. Managing rejection is a necessary part in managing your love life. Over the course of your life, chances are you are going to experience rejection before you find your soul mate, and you may have to reject others in that process as well.
 
Trying to seek out love while trying to avoid rejection is like trying to walk in the rainstorm and not get even a little wet. The sooner you accept the reality that rejection is a normal part of life (albeit an unpleasant one at times) and learn to handle the negative emotions associated, the sooner you will find peace with your desires of seeking out an emotionally fulfilling love life.
 
Whether you put yourself out there, or are on the receiving end of someone's affections, you are going to have to deal with rejection. In fact, the more you make efforts to connect with others, then more you will surely deal with rejection.
 
For example, if you are on a spree of approaching new people, on the numbers alone, you will deal with more rejection than you previously did when not approaching new people. If you end up going on a date with someone, but do not end up in a long-term relationship with that person, it means at some point there was a rejection of sorts. In cases where you are casually dating, and someone that you were dating has ended up in a more serious relationship with someone else, even though that person never broke up with you directly (as there was no serious commitment in place) by virtue of that person choosing someone else, it is a rejection by default.
 
Rejection is a Message
 
When trying to understand rejection, rejection is at its core a message. The question is not why rejection exists; the question is actually, what is the message that a particular rejection is trying to communicate to you. Understanding how to interpret the correct message in each rejection is the key to mastering managing rejection.
 
Before getting into understanding rejection, it is important to understand that unless you are under a particular stage of personal development or are constantly getting rejection to the point where you have not had a date in over a year, keep in mind not to read too much into a rejection. More often that not, rejection has less to do with you as a person, and more to do with what is going on in another person's life. I hear it in my practice all the time how the reasons that someone rejected another had little to with the person they rejected and more to do with that person's own issues.
 
For example, people with a fear of intimacy will go out of their way to find reasons to reject others, blaming the other person, when in fact, they are simply running scared from potentially emotionally healthy relationships or even just sex. Other times, the person is so hooked on waiting for a particular person, that they refuse to take a chance on someone new and will reject all advances.
 
Sometimes, the person is in a "complicated relationship" (which is really a politically correct way of saying they are too scared to make a clean and final break up and move on) and they do not know if they are even single enough to date someone else. It could generally be that the other person rejects you based on the way you approached. Most rejections are not anything to read into, as most people rejecting you likely know nothing about you. Now with that said...
 
When trying to change your behaviors and developing yourself, for the purposes of attracting a soul mate, rejection becomes a great learning tool. Whether your goal is to get a major commitment, sex with the person you are seeing, or even just managing to get someone to date you at all, a rejection from achieving your goals can be a good message about what you are doing wrong, and what you should try next.
 
I often find that asking the person who rejected you why they rejected you, is in fact, NOT the best way to figure out what you did wrong. In many cases, the person who rejects you cannot properly articulate why you got rejected. Most people THINK they know why they rejected someone, only to have that particular reason not matter, when they do not reject somebody else that had the similar trait. That is part of what makes the learning process in relationships so challenging.
 
You can only really ascertain why pervious partners rejected you when you succeed in not being rejected by future partners. In other words, you will know the true reasons you constantly got rejected only after you change your behaviors and no longer get rejected.
 
Prior to my own personal development I was often told that I was being rejected for being overweight. During my personal development phase, I experimented with countless new behaviors to discover how to make myself more seductively attractive. In time, the weight no longer mattered for the majority of people (there will always be a minority that care too much), because I changed the REAL REASONS that I was originally getting rejected; my overall behaviors that were unattractive, for example: being too nice instead of asserting my boundaries. In certain areas of life, relationships being one of them, it is like first being given the test, and then being taught the lesson afterwards.
 
When you are romantically interested in a friend that you has gotten to know you well enough, and decide to chance taking it to the next level and your friend rejects your advances, it should be interpreted as an insult. A stranger does not know you enough for a rejection to be insulting. A friend however knows you enough to know that you make a good friend, which is a key component to making a long-term relationship work.
 
When your friend would rather keep you as a friend, rather that even try, just for one first date, to explore what more the two of you can be, that is an insult. Basically, the message is that you are good, but not good enough to even make the effort to check out if there could be something more undiscovered which could develop into a meaningful relationship.
 
For that reason, when a friend rejects your romantic intentions, it is best to distance yourself from that friend, or end the close friendship altogether. Staying friends with a friend who consistently rejects you (assuming that you keep hoping the friendship will blossom into more) does an emotional damage to the one that keeps hoping for change.
 
The biggest error that people make when trying to interpret rejection is they do not distinguish the difference between being rejected for incompatibility (a particular person does not see a realistic future for this coupling) and being rejected because a person that is unlovable.
 
When I lost my ex-fiancé to my then best friend, there were a few different ways I could have interpreted that rejection. On the one hand I could have understood that she felt he was better suited to addressing her emotional needs than I. On the other hand, I could have understood that there were behaviors that I needed to improve on so that I would not have acted in a way that made me less desirable as a partner.
 
Even more, I could have assumed that they were meant to be, and it was wrong of me to stand in their way. I could have also tried to understand that maybe her and I would simply not have worked out anyway because we really were that different and that if it wasn't my then best friend, it would have been someone else that got in the middle of it.
 
At the time, I was so overwhelmed with negative emotions that the only interpretation I could come up with was that I was not worthy of love. I felt that I was too unlovable to ever really deserve a relationship. It took me years to deal with that demon and slay it.
 
How different my life would have been had I learned to better interpret rejection. Then again, I would not be the very relatable relationship coach I am today without those horrible years of self-actualization.
 
Time has given me another great interpretation of rejection: Dodging a bullet. There are times that rejection is actually a blessing, although it does not seem like that in the moment. There are times when the only worse thing than not getting the date, is actually getting the date. When I look back over the course of my life, and happen to follow up on past interests that have rejected me, I sometimes find myself grateful that I got rejected, seeing how their lives unfolded. I do not wish malice on anyone from my past, however, to see how some of their lives turned out does make me realize that not having gotten involved with them may have turned out to be a great blessing that I simply could not appreciate at the time.
 
Think back to every time you ended up dating someone that you wished you hadn't. Chances are that someone that rejected you could have given you a worse relationship experience...and the fact you dodged that bullet is something you can be thankful for. To use a career-related analogy, if the workplace environment is a toxic one, then the only worse thing than not getting the job, is actually getting it. So the next time you get rejected, be mindful that what you don't know, isn't necessarily better than what you could have found out too late.
 
The mark of true unshakable confidence is when you know, and trust in, your own value and recognize what you bring in to the relationship table. When "the feast" rejections your dish, it will be the dish with unshakeable confidence that will state that the feast doesn't realize the value of the dish it just turned away.
 
Now, anyone with false bravado can say it, but so few people really believe in themselves enough to see themselves as a prize worth cherishing. The sign they do not see themselves as a prize? They stay in unfulfilling relationships. People who value themselves do not stay in unemotionally unhealthy and abusive relationships.
 
There are people who do see themselves as a prize, but that aren't. These people come across as creepy or are simply delusional people. The difference between those peoples with unshakeable confidence from those who are delusional is that the crowds who have unshakeable confidence back up such beliefs of self worth through actions. Under their table of confidence are works that make up the legs to hold it up. They have taken stock of how they live their lives being congruent taking actions that are in line with their own belief systems. They do not take themselves for granted, and do not allow others to do it either.
 
They have learned how to navigate the fears of abandonment in exchange for being alone rather than being with the wrong person.
 
Managing rejection, is at the heart, of reaching a point of loving yourself, and holding out for someone to love you at that same level, keeping your expectations realistic. If you do not have faith in yourself, and appreciate what you have to offer, you run the risk of misinterpreting any rejection you encounter. At that point, you are rejecting yourself, instead of being the one person that you need most in your corner.
 
Frank Kermit 

  This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

Are You A Partner or a Liability?
By Frank Kermit
 
"It's not you, it's me." Have you ever heard that said to you when someone broke up with you? Have you ever been the one to use it when dumping someone that was interested in you? Chances are, there may be some deep truth to it.
 
A number of times, the reason relationships do not even get a chance at long term success is that people find all kinds of excuses to kill the momentum before anything seriously meaningful has the chance to bloom. There are a number of different motivations for this kind of relationship sabotage. Some of these may include unrealistic standards that a person may set up, which no other person could reasonably live up to.
 
I often tell people, to their chagrin, that if their standards are actually higher than their social skills to attract that particular type of partner, then the issue is not trouble meeting compatible dates; the trouble is a deep and likely unacknowledged fear of intimacy.
 
If you have a fear of intimacy, whether it is a fear of physical intimacy, or a fear of being open and emotionally vulnerable, or a combination of both, then it really is going to be -you-. You ARE the issue; not the fact that everyone you have dated was not good enough.
 
Baggage. No matter how old, how young, how experienced, or how inexperienced anyone is, everyone comes with baggage. Everyone has his or her emotional baggage of one kind or another. Having baggage is part of being human. I often find that those individuals who starkly claim to seek someone with absolutely no baggage, tend to be very much in denial of the baggage they themselves have in abundance.
 
From the 50 year old confirmed bachelor who has never been married nor had kids afraid to make any sort of commitment, to the single mother of 3 teenagers from different fathers and everyone in between; I have likely heard them state clearly that they all want to meet someone that has no baggage.
 
However, none of them that make such a statement ever appreciates the concept that others, who view them the same way, would never give them a chance either. Romance novels and movies might make allowances for ironic hypocrites in love and allow double standards to flourish. It does not work in the real world.
 
The Ideal Dream Lover Exercise will tell it all. Here is something to try. Take a moment and write down a list of qualities that you think your REASONABLE ideal dream lover would have. What would that person value? What kind of day-to-day lifestyle would that person have? What would that person have already achieved before meeting you for the first time? List as many things as you can that you believe would be reasonable to expect from your dream lover to already be.
 
By reasonable, I mean that you keep your expectations within a reasonable parameter. For example, it is a nice fantasy that your ideal dream lover may be a gold medal Olympic athlete AND a PhD in Anthropology AND also be an astronaut with space travel experience AND appeared as a regular guest star on a syndicated TV show AND also has no social issues whatsoever...sounds great, but based on nothing more than there are only 24 hours a day and any one of those accomplishments takes time and dedication that would sacrifice some or all of those other goals is what makes that list unreasonable.
 
Once you are done with your ideal dream lover exercise, it is time to ask yourself a Frank question: Are you the kind of person that your ideal dream lover would date? Honestly? Chances are, that if your ideal dream lover existed, that dream lover would not want to date you, because you are not up to your dream lover standards. Your dream lover may in fact consider you to be a liability instead of a potential partner.
 
This is where you get to begin closing the gap between the type of partner you would want, and who you are. If you know what kind of life partner you are seeking, then you have the gift of knowing your goal, and can adjust your own behavior patterns to become the kind of person who can build and support that life which would attract your ideal dream partner.
 
If you are not sure what kind of partner your ideal dream lover would want, then you might want to strive to become your ideal dream lover. Whatever your lover would do, then you set out to do. Does your ideal dream lover go to the gym 4 times a week? Then get yourself there as well and work it. Does your ideal dream lover have the resources to own two vacation homes in other countries? Then get busy building your financial life so that you can also have such a lifestyle yourself.
 
Before you give up because it sounds like too much work, I want to assure you that, yes; it is in fact a heck of a lot of work. That is the point. If you are not willing to put in the work, then you ARE the problem, and not everybody else. It really is you.
 
Frank Kermit 

 Check out my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

Stop Wasting Time:
The Resolution For Singles in the New Year
By Frank Kermit
 
Some people find themselves starting the New Year as a single person. For those that are happy being single, the New Year is getting off to a great start.
 
However, if someone is not happy with being single, and wants to make sure to be in a relationship by the time New Year's Eve comes around again, it is important to make some changes.
 
If there was one area that single people must make changes to, in order to ensure their best chances at no longer being single, it can be summed up in 3 simple words:
 
Stop-Wasting-Time.
 
Stop Wasting Time means that you realize that your "time" is a resource of a very limited supply.
 
You cannot get back any time that you already spent. All you can do is focus on the time you have left. When it comes to the desire to no longer be single, how you spend your time is very important.
 
There are certain things you must devote time too. These include your set obligations, your family responsibilities, your work, your education, your health but when all of that is done, then you may have time left over to focus on other things.
 
That time left over is the time you need to devote to making changes in your life to break the repeating behavior patterns that have thus far kept you single. If you are not using that time wisely, you could be wasting it.
 
For example, you have decided that this was the year you were going to find new love, and build a serious relationship with him or her, and the next thing you know, you get contacted by one of your ex lovers who happens to be lonely and wants to enjoy your company again.
 
If you keep hanging out with ex lovers just to avoid feeling lonely, you are wasting your time.
 
Use that evening to go out some place to potentially meet someone new.
 
If you are casually dating someone currently and it appears that there is little chance of it turning into a serious commitment, you might be wasting your time.
 
Talk to your partner about what would have to happen to for such a commitment to occur.
 
If your partner cannot give you a direct and crystal clear answer, you are wasting your time with that person.
 
Use that time to go to workshops to develop your social or conversational skills.
 
If you have hobbies which are enjoyable pastimes (stamps, genealogy, videogames) but do not allow for you to interact with new people in real life social settings where you can explore a potential romance, you are wasting your time.
 
Use that time to take up a new activity like a dance class where you must interact with others and potentially find a connection.
 
Even chilling out with your friends can end up being a huge waste of time.
 
Unless your friends are able to directly introduce you to someone new they brought to the social circle, hanging out with the same groups of people that do not provide you with your own chance of love is a time waster.
 
This also includes that friend of yours that you are in love with, and continue to ask out, but rejects you again and again.
 
Spending time with someone that continually rejects to attempt to take your friendship to the next level is wasting your time.
 
Use that time to meet up with new social circles that can meet your needs better.
 
Some people struggle with this because they carry a notion that they should not have to put in so much effort to connect with a new love.
 
They feel that it should just happen when the timing is right, and would rather wait for love to come to them.
 
For some people, this has worked because they are naturally able to draw such opportunities to them.
 
However, for the rest of us who were not naturally able to draw it to us, it is time to put in the work.
 
Next New Year's Eve is just about 11 months away.
 
You can either wait to see if you will be alone again, or you can choose to take action and increase your chances to have someone to start next year with a meaningful kiss. It's your time
 
Click the links to visit my coaching workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job and
I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

Frank Kermit

Relationship Goal Setting
By Frank Kermit
 
This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

Setting goals in most areas of your life can be challenging. When it comes to relationships, there are even more challenges. Whereas in other areas of your life such as education, employment, and even some areas of betterment of health, there are a number of areas that are fully within your control, and a huge range of support systems in place.
 

For example, if you want to get a certain degree, those educational institutions that offer such a degree will forward you information about what is necessary to get into the program, and there are some loan and bursaries programs designed to help manage the costs of tuition. You control which schools you apply to, how quickly you adhere to the application process, and making arrangements so that you will have the time and the finances to support yourself while studying.
 
Those are some of the things you are in control of. But like any goal setting process, there are elements that you do not control. Using the same example, you can do everything exceptionally well, but you still might not get in to your program of choice at the schools of your choosing. You control everything within your power of influence to make something happen, except mainly for the final outcome. That is one area that you cannot control what happens. All you can do is manage how you can best react to what happens.
 
When setting goals as they relate to your relationships, it can be even trickier than in other areas of your life, because whereas in other areas of your life, a desired goal is something a little more quantifiable (maybe a LOT more quantifiable) using a pre-determined set of circumstances, in your relationships you are dealing with a real human being.
 
Using the previous example, there are very specific things that are measurable for someone to accomplish in order to get accepted into an education program, and if the applicant is open to applying to various schools, and continues to do so year after year, learning how to improve their candidacy based on previous rejections (if any), then it is likely that some program, at some point will accept the applicant. For some, it is an easier process, but for others it can take a few attempts to get in.
 
But what makes this process easier than goal setting for relationships is that the requirements are limited (a handful of documents and letters), specific (previous education considerations), and measurable (work or volunteering experience). It is not so with relationships.
 
As I teach it, even at your best, you are still only 50% of a relationship and the other 50% is YOUR ability to choose the right partner. It is not enough to be a great partner; you also have to align yourself with another great partner to make a relationship work. If you are looking to set some relationship goals, here are some tips:
 
1-Goals need a deadline: A deadline helps a person focus in on a goal. For example, setting a wedding date, or an age that you would like to already be married and having started a family by may help a person focus on growing up and choosing more suitable long term partners to date.
 
2-Goals need to be realistic: Realistically you cannot expect to be a lawyer in 6 months when you only have a high school diploma. Most professional orders and licensing boards have requirements such as a minimum of a three-year university bachelor degree. Your wishing to bypass it is not realistic. The same holds true on your relationship goals. If part of your goals is to learn to be more social, savvy and emotionally healthy, it will likely take more than a few minutes of your time once in a while, to make that kind of deep change a permanent repeating behavior pattern. If your standards are much higher than your ability to attract such a higher-standards partner, you are not being realistic for what is within your scope.
 
3-Goals need to be related to your absolutes: Your preferences come and go, but your absolutes reflect your boundaries and values, and your goals must be in line with those. If you do not know the difference between your preference and your absolutes, then one of your first goals is to get that figured out.
 
4-Goals and Hope: There is no guarantee that you will achieve your goal. There may be factors beyond your control that you may not be aware of.
 
For example, you could attempt to engage someone into a romantic relationship and not be aware that the person you are targeting simply has no capacity to be involved with anyone for reasons that would be too personal to share. That person might have an STI, or an abusive background related to intimacy, or on a path of personal healing that would negate that person from being open to any kind of romantic connections at this time. It is important though that you never give up hope that you WILL meet someone and find love. Even if you learn every relationship management skill in the book (This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.), it is all for not, if you do not at least carry the HOPE, that a loving relationship is within your grasp.
 
It can also sometimes be very difficult to stay motivated to keep going after your relationship goals; especially if a person has a lot of bad relationship experience.
 
One of the ways to help you stay motivated is to make a list of all the potential pain you will have if you do NOT achieve your relationship goals, and all of the potential pleasures you will have if you DO achieve your relationship goals.
 
For some people, having a list like that (a constant reminder) of what they stand to gain or lose, can be enough to stay dedicated through the rough roads as they are in the middle of crossing that emotional trench called the canyon of pain.
 
What's your motivation?
  
This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

Frank Kermit 

Let the Holiday Headaches Begin!
By Frank Kermit

You have been dating your new partner for a few weeks now, and your timeline has stumbled upon the holiday season. The holiday season means parties. Family parties, company parties, client-related parties, friends-traveling into town for dinner parties…should you bring your new relationship partner with you? Or should you go solo and wait until next year?

The answer is: It Depends.

The criteria you need to consider before you bring your new partner to meet your friends, co-workers and especially your family at a function is if you are ready to go public with the nature of your relationship. That’s it. If you are not prepared to introduce your partner as “your partner”, you do not bring your partner along. And before the label-haters (those people that can not stand putting a label on their romantic exchanges) start gunning down my throat, consider this: It will be easier on you, your partner, and everyone that your partner will be introduced too.

If you are not going to introduce your partner as your actual partner, then do not bring him or her. The worst thing you can do is to bring your partner to a function and introduce your partner to everyone there as your “friend”.


First of all, introducing your partner as “your friend” makes it awkward for everyone. You are not fooling anyone. People will make three assumptions:
 
(1) you are dating but do not want to admit it because there is something wrong with your relationship,
 
(2) one of you wants to date the other but the other is not interested enough, or
 
(3) you are both just pathetic because you would rather hang out with a platonic friend instead of making the effort to actually find your own legitimate partner.
 
Which would you prefer? Personally, I have been in all three situations, and I can tell you from experience that none of them make you feel good at the end of the night.
 
One of the stories I often hear during my coaching is about the person who brings a “friend” they are interested in to a function, like a work party, and end up having to bite their tongues when co-workers start to flirt, hit on and aggressively try to attract “the friend”.
 
After all, if you aren’t willing to admit that you are more than “just friends” (or that you would want to be), then your “friend” is fair game. Do not put the focus of your affection into a potentially compromising social position.


If you are still at the point of having to introduce your partner as “your friend” at any functions, then do everyone a favor: Wait until next year, and bring your partner along to the future holiday functions if you are still together, and publicly open as a couple.


Frank Kermit 

 It's "Time" For The Holidays:
Broke For The Holidays?
Give The Gift of Time
By Frank Kermit
 
One of the reasons that people site as legitimate cause to stay out of dating going into the holidays is the awkwardness of buying a holiday gift for someone that you just started seeing.
 
Some people even site that the enormous cost of a gift for a significant other is enough to push off any potential new partner until after the start of the New Year.
 
The presupposition of course is that a gift for someone you are dating must be expensive. Although individuals may feel such a pressure, and some new partners even communicate having this expectation, there is no written rule that a holiday gift for a new partner (or a more established partner) need be an expensive endeavor.
 
In fact, whether new relationships or ongoing long-term relationships, some of the best gift ideas are centered on sentiment, not expense.
 
Your time is the greatest gift you can offer someone you love. Forget expensive toiletries, accessories or knickknacks. Offer a home made coupon for one night in, heated left over's, watching a movie, and a relaxing foot massage. If you find someone that appreciates that gift as much as you appreciate giving it, you might also be able to figure out that you have a keeper.
 
The idea of your Time being possibly the greatest gift for the holidays applies to all relationships, not just the romantic ones.
 
When it comes to kids, expensive toys can be nice and a novelty. However, with a little imagination, sometimes the box it came in turns out to be more fun.
 
Grab some crayons, markers, modeling clay (yes, that means you pull yourself from the computer, phone or broadcast episode of whatever), and let those kids teach you the magic of turning an empty box into a castle-pirate-ship-school-bus-that-flies-through-outer-space.
 
Younger kids may not fully remember everything you did or said at the time, but on some level, they might just remember how you made the kids feel.
 
On a more serious note, if you share custody of your kids, give some thought about arranging for your kids to spend time with both parents so that your kids can enjoy some family time with both of you without having to be split.
 
This may not always be possible, depending on the circumstances of the break up.
 
However uneasy it may be for one, or both parents, toughing it out for just a little bit of time, even just a couple of hours, can mean the world to a child especially if your kids are really hurting from the split this holiday season. Of course, this is taking into account that your situation may not make this possible for a variety of reasons; but if you do have the possibility to make something like this happen without ending up fighting in front of the kids, you might think about taking the opportunity.
 
Sometimes the time you can gift isn't about you spending time with the recipient of your gift, but to allow the recipient to be able to spend time with someone else.
 
A home made babysitting voucher to watch the kids to give parents some time for a break and a date-night can be more welcomed than any popular item on sale at the shopping mall.
 
Do you know someone that is working through most of the holidays, or stuck in a hospital room, someone in mourning, or living in a special care facility?
 
A trip to spend enough time to have a cup of coffee and catch up on conversation can warm hearts: yours and the person you are giving some time too.
 
It is easy to get caught up in the gift-frenzy of the holidays. It is also easy to feel that you might be letting some people down if your budget it tight and couldn't afford the nicer items on everyone's gift list.
 
Time is a gift that most people often overlook as being a valuable gift, until one day they wake up and realize there isn't any left. Make the most of your time and make the most of your holidays.
 
Frank Kermit

Gift Giving Guide
For The Stages of Dating
By Frank Kermit
 
The holiday season tends to also be a time of gift giving for many cultures. Shopping for just the perfect gift for your loved ones can be challenging enough.
 
However, what if the person you are shopping for is someone that you just started dating? 
 
Perhaps someone you are dating casually and have no plans of introducing the new love at a holiday function.
 
Perhaps it is someone you are dating in secret without any plans for it to last beyond a few weeks.
 
Perhaps you had a weekend fling with someone during the year, and although nothing serious came of it, you remember that person fondly.
 
Are there appropriate gifts for such people? 
 
There is also the dreaded circumstance of wanting to get a gift for an ex of yours, with whom you have remained friends with, or at least are civil with, for the sake of co-parenting or maintaining a social circle.
 
Gifting has the potential to be as complicated as the people and relationships we have with them.
 
So to make your holiday gift giving a little easier, here are some tips.
 
Dating someone regularly, where you see a potential future, requires some thought and planning.
 
Since this is the person you will likely bring to your holiday parties as your partner, choose a gift that serves two purposes.
 
First, it should be a gift that shows you have been listening and paying attention to what your partner has been saying.
 
Second, it would be a good idea (but not necessary) to get a gift that your partner can wear when presented to your family and friends.
 
For example, if your partner has an affinity for a particular animal, a pendant, broach, or cufflinks related to that animal that your partner could wear when meeting your friends and family may be a good gift.
 
It makes for a great conversation piece. With that in mind, it could also time to go all the way with an engagement ring (after all, it ‘tis the season).
 
Dating someone casually, or dating in secret where you will not be presenting him or her to family and friends, calls for a more social gift.
 
A gift certificate to outings that you both like to frequent usually works well for these relations.
If the two of you spend time together watching movies, then movie gift certificates or online movies to watch at home, are fine choices.
 
If you are looking for a gift idea for someone that you only shared a short-term dalliance with, keep the gift inexpensive and simple.
 
A dollar store greeting card is more than enough.  (I discourage e-cards, because they often end up in spam folders).
 
Holiday cards are also great gifts for the ex because although it is a nice gesture, it is nothing so grand that might wrongly communicate a desire to reconcile.
 
In both cases where you are no longer involved with a person, but still want to share a wish of peace, a standard greeting card is more than perfect.
 
It really is the thought that counts.
 
Just do not over think it.

Getting into brand new relationships is tricky enough, but when new relationships start around the holidays, it can be even trickier. In fact, there are even people who boycott dating just before or during the holiday season because they do not want to deal with extra challenges.
 

One of the challenges that new relationships face during the holiday season is trying to figure out how appropriate it is to attend a holiday gathering, be it an office work party, or a holiday family dinner. It is not always easy to navigate whether or not you need to invite your new relationship partner.
 

Bringing a new partner to a holiday gathering of any kind is an outward sign to everyone around you that your relationship (no matter just how new it is) is getting more serious. That will be the automatic assumption for most people.
 

Where this may get unpleasant is when one partner in the new relationship is looking forward to sharing the holiday gatherings together, and the other partner feels that it may be too soon to attend such events as a couple.
 

Although it is good to know exactly where each of you stands, especially if you both have different views of your status, it can also be disappointing to find out that you and your partner do not seem to agree on the level of commitment that exists.
 

As a coach, I have been asked if it is wise to bring a new partner to a holiday gathering and to introduce your new partner as -just a friend-. I always advise against this. If you are going to introduce your new partner as just a friend, one of two things is likely to happen.
 

The first is that people may assume that you are actually involved and wonder what must be wrong with the two of you for not admitting it (perhaps assuming that your partner is already married and cheating?).
 

The second is that those people who actually believe the two of you are -just friends- may unknowingly make a pass at your partner, in your presence, because they assume that as -just friends-, your companion must be single.
 

After all, if your companion weren’t single, that person would be out with a significant other, and not hanging with another friend at a holiday gathering.
 

When trying to resolve this dating dilemma, the issue is not actually how long you have been dating, but rather the level of commitment of your relationship. It does not matter if you only started dating two weeks prior to the holidays, two months prior to the holidays or have had been seeing each other for two years prior to this holiday season.
 

How long you have been involved is not a deciding factor when choosing to bring your partner to a holiday gathering. It has everything to do with how serious your commitment is to one another and if you are intending to build a future together.
 

A couple that has only been dating for two weeks but is already secure in the idea of getting married and growing old together should attend holiday functions as a couple. A couple that has been seeing each other dating casually for over a year with zero intention of making any sort of long term commitment should not involve one another into holiday gathers.
 

If either of the partners in this new relationship is not fully prepared to accept how attending holiday functions together will be interpreted by family, co-workers and friends as a sign of a more serious commitment, then the ethical choice is not to attend them together, until such a time as you get more serious.
 
Frank Kermit

When Love Ends At The Best of Times
Heartbreak for the Holidays
By Frank Kermit


As the holiday season approaches there are a number of things most people can count on. Time off, shopping, spending time with family and friends (including the ones you may not be particularly fond of), bad weather, exams if you are a student, end of the year projects at work that need to get done, the pressures of holiday get-togethers, worse weather, bad drivers, holiday parties, trips to the clinic, feeling overwhelmed, traveling, even worse weather, travel delays, resolutions, less day light, longer commutes…did I mention the weather? But if you are lucky enough, you might just have that kind of holiday season where you get a glimpse, a tiny reminder of what makes it all worth it. The holiday season brings about a sense of reflection for many people. It is a time, when we look back on all the things we have done or accomplished in the past year (or didn’t). And that is why holidays bring about the end of many relationships.

The holiday times can be super challenging if you have a lot going on. It is easy to feel pressure and exhaustion, as if you are being pulled in too many different directions. When this pressure hits, and you start questioning if the relationship you are in is worth it…that means only one thing: you-are-normal.
 
Holidays have a reputation of bringing out the best in humanity…it can also bring out the worst too. Not everyone can handle the holiday times, and if you are having any issues with the person you are dating, the holidays are ripe to exploit even your most minuscule doubts and have them cause cracks in the foundation of your relationship future.

It may not be until the holiday’s approach that some people take the time to ask if this is the relationship they really want to be in. It may not be until the holiday’s approach that some people must now decide if they are going to introduce the new partner to their family. Holidays can force issues like commitment-talk, future-talk, family-planning-talk, and even the dreaded, so-what-are-we-exactly-and-where-is-this-going-?-talk. (Yeesh! And you thought that people just drank too much over the holidays to make merry…)

And those are only the challenges if you are monogamous. When dating multiple people during the holidays, it can be a bit tricky because there are only a couple of nights that you have to spend with your someone special that have important meanings to it, and if you have more than one someone special in your life, choosing only one person to spend that special night with, usually means that the others will dump you. If you can’t bring all of your partners together to celebrate with you (and hey, that could happen), you might not get to spend it with anyone.
 
The reverse can happen as well if your preferred partner is seeing more than one person, and happens to choose someone else to share that midnight New Years kiss with, instead of choosing you. It can be easier than you think to end up alone on a major holiday. Being polyamorous doesn’t protect you from the same risks as being monogamous.
 
Think of the holiday season as a test. Can your relationship survive the holiday hazards? Is the person you are dating understanding about the time you need to prepare for your exams (exams that can change the course of your life)? Is the person you are with just adding to your holiday aches? Are you the one that is making things worse for your partner because the holidays are fueling the fires of your own unresolved issues? It is a pretty safe bet that if your love life cannot withstand the handful of weeks leading up to, and including the holidays, it is likely that the person you were dating would not have been a reliable life partner for you anyways. So the good news about a holiday break up is that you found out before you got more committed or attached.

That still does not change the fact that the end of a relationship heading into, or during the holidays, just royally sucks. It is going to hurt. There is never a “good time” for a relationship to break up. There will always be reasons to stay, even when the most important reason (the fact that you do not want to be in a relationship with that person) says that you need to go. Holidays notwithstanding, if the relationship ended, you are still going to have to deal with the heartache.

If you do end up in heartbreak for the holidays, take every opportunity to make merry and spread cheer with the people you care about (except the one that dumped you), and enjoy the company of people that care about you. Take the time you need to mourn the end of your relationship, but not at the expense of the focus you need for those things (like study time to pass your exams) that WILL stay with you for the rest of your life. The pain is temporary.
 
There will be plenty of time to focus on the things you want, after you focus on the things you need to do first. And when you do mourn, remember what you LEARNED from your last relationship. If you can find the correct lesson to learn, so that you do not end up in exactly the same situation again, that is the path of finding your relationship redemption.
 
That is the way to forgiving the most important person you need to forgive in a break up…yourself. Have a safe holiday season everyone.

Frank Kermit