- Published on
Get Out Of Your Own Way
By Frank Kermit
One of the biggest obstacles that a person can have as an obstruction on their path of finding happiness, peace and healing for their love live, is themselves. Although most people would welcome a change in their lives regarding the things they are less than content with, most people are not actually interested in the hard work that it may sometimes take to make such changes a permanent reality.
Changing the status of your love life is not a pleasant process, even if the resulting outcome is extremely desirable. The loving pot of gold at the end of your rainbow path of personal development is a goal that requires a person to literally burn parts of themselves away while walking that sunshine colored mountain.
To have something new in your life you have to eliminate certain parts of you that are currently taking up space in your reality. In every change, there is a progression of the self; in every change, there is a little death of the person that once was. Each time you make any step forward in life toward knowledge, and especially self-knowledge, a former part of yourself must die off in order for those new learning’s to take full effect.
The best a Frank-student-of-relationships can hope for is that the part dies off is the part that held on to the comfort of ignorance. If the only thing you lose on your journey of self-discovery is your ignorance, which is a great blessing. Sometimes people feel that they had to give up a sense of innocence in learning the realities surrounding relationships. Sometimes people feel like they had to give up on the hope of a fantasy. Sometimes it just comes down to having to grow up and be an adult about your attitudes and expectations.
The benefit of embracing maturity is that you have the best chance of building the kind of realistic relationships you desire. The price of maturity is the mourning process that takes place when the child you were has to let go of being in control.
“But I don’t want to change!” says the reluctant wanna-be lover. The expectation that the world will work the way they want it to work, and the refusal to accept the harsh realities of expectations unmet, is a sure fire formula to unhappiness. It is called the school of hard knocks, because many of those hard-hitting lessons knock you off your high horse, until you are ready to accept that just wanting something is not enough to get it. You earn what it is you want with hard work.
Your love life is a result of the behaviors you enact every single day. If you want something in your life to change, you must change your own behaviors as a catalyst. If you want a better relationship partner, you have to become a better potential partner yourself FIRST.
That is what you have control over, and that is where the source of your power to change your love life forever comes from. When I started my own personal development, I too took stock in my behaviors at the time to see where I was getting in my own way. I noted two very specific areas that needed to change.
The fact I had little disposable income to pay for more social activities, and the fact I had little disposable time. So I made some changes. One of the things that I changed is that I stopped my hobby of genealogy. Although researching a family tree is a wonderful pass time and I still think it is a valuable exercise, the time I was putting into it was time away from helping myself.
The irony is that I was spending so much time on the roots of my family tree, that I was not doing enough to focus on growing my own branches of it. I decided to put that time and money into a new hobby: dance lessons. In taking stock of the things I wanted to change, one of the listed items was to be able to dance at a wedding. I changed a behavior that was getting me nowhere, for a behavior that would potentially get me more social experience.
Two years later, I danced at a wedding and did such a wonderful performance, that I ended up having a slew of women ask me to dance for rest of the evening. As much as I did miss learning more about my roots, and as completely uncomfortable as I was going to the dance studio and tripping over my feet (mostly because as an overweight person I can not even see my feet), and as anxiety-ridden as my heart was having to actually meet new people and create small talk while attempting to look competent as I lead through a waltz…I have to say that in that moment of being approached by so many women to ask me to dance made me forget so much of the emotionally pain I went through to make that kind of change.
No one has time to help himself or herself fix their loves lives. You MAKE time by actively choosing your priorities, and accepting that the part of you that is holding back, is exactly the part of you that you need to release. Love that part of you because all it was trying to do is keep you safe, but let it go, because it’s job is done. It was only suppose to keep you safe long enough that you would be around to take a chance on love.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
One of the biggest obstacles that a person can have as an obstruction on their path of finding happiness, peace and healing for their love live, is themselves. Although most people would welcome a change in their lives regarding the things they are less than content with, most people are not actually interested in the hard work that it may sometimes take to make such changes a permanent reality.
Changing the status of your love life is not a pleasant process, even if the resulting outcome is extremely desirable. The loving pot of gold at the end of your rainbow path of personal development is a goal that requires a person to literally burn parts of themselves away while walking that sunshine colored mountain.
To have something new in your life you have to eliminate certain parts of you that are currently taking up space in your reality. In every change, there is a progression of the self; in every change, there is a little death of the person that once was. Each time you make any step forward in life toward knowledge, and especially self-knowledge, a former part of yourself must die off in order for those new learning’s to take full effect.
The best a Frank-student-of-relationships can hope for is that the part dies off is the part that held on to the comfort of ignorance. If the only thing you lose on your journey of self-discovery is your ignorance, which is a great blessing. Sometimes people feel that they had to give up a sense of innocence in learning the realities surrounding relationships. Sometimes people feel like they had to give up on the hope of a fantasy. Sometimes it just comes down to having to grow up and be an adult about your attitudes and expectations.
The benefit of embracing maturity is that you have the best chance of building the kind of realistic relationships you desire. The price of maturity is the mourning process that takes place when the child you were has to let go of being in control.
“But I don’t want to change!” says the reluctant wanna-be lover. The expectation that the world will work the way they want it to work, and the refusal to accept the harsh realities of expectations unmet, is a sure fire formula to unhappiness. It is called the school of hard knocks, because many of those hard-hitting lessons knock you off your high horse, until you are ready to accept that just wanting something is not enough to get it. You earn what it is you want with hard work.
Your love life is a result of the behaviors you enact every single day. If you want something in your life to change, you must change your own behaviors as a catalyst. If you want a better relationship partner, you have to become a better potential partner yourself FIRST.
That is what you have control over, and that is where the source of your power to change your love life forever comes from. When I started my own personal development, I too took stock in my behaviors at the time to see where I was getting in my own way. I noted two very specific areas that needed to change.
The fact I had little disposable income to pay for more social activities, and the fact I had little disposable time. So I made some changes. One of the things that I changed is that I stopped my hobby of genealogy. Although researching a family tree is a wonderful pass time and I still think it is a valuable exercise, the time I was putting into it was time away from helping myself.
The irony is that I was spending so much time on the roots of my family tree, that I was not doing enough to focus on growing my own branches of it. I decided to put that time and money into a new hobby: dance lessons. In taking stock of the things I wanted to change, one of the listed items was to be able to dance at a wedding. I changed a behavior that was getting me nowhere, for a behavior that would potentially get me more social experience.
Two years later, I danced at a wedding and did such a wonderful performance, that I ended up having a slew of women ask me to dance for rest of the evening. As much as I did miss learning more about my roots, and as completely uncomfortable as I was going to the dance studio and tripping over my feet (mostly because as an overweight person I can not even see my feet), and as anxiety-ridden as my heart was having to actually meet new people and create small talk while attempting to look competent as I lead through a waltz…I have to say that in that moment of being approached by so many women to ask me to dance made me forget so much of the emotionally pain I went through to make that kind of change.
No one has time to help himself or herself fix their loves lives. You MAKE time by actively choosing your priorities, and accepting that the part of you that is holding back, is exactly the part of you that you need to release. Love that part of you because all it was trying to do is keep you safe, but let it go, because it’s job is done. It was only suppose to keep you safe long enough that you would be around to take a chance on love.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Frank Advice: Dating Questions and Answers
FRANK KERMIT GIVES FRANK ADVICE
Dear Readers,
Sometimes I answer questions on various sites online as I find them.
I occasionally post the question (edited) as my Frank Advice answer here on my blog.
Names have been changed to protect privacy.
(As much privacy as one can expect posting a question online using their real names).
Sometimes I answer questions on various sites online as I find them.
I occasionally post the question (edited) as my Frank Advice answer here on my blog.
Names have been changed to protect privacy.
(As much privacy as one can expect posting a question online using their real names).
The Question:
Dear Frank,
Say you're at the gym, so you meet two girls (who happen to be very close friends). Talked to one first, made her laugh a bit then walked away and when ran into her again about 5 minutes after, she kept talking to me and introduced me to her friend (which happens to be very cute as well), so we talked for a bit and when I was going to go away I just asked them if they are on Facebook, just saying let's be friends, so they both added me on Facebook.
I wouldn't mind with going out and proceeding further with either of them, however I can only do that with one of them (for obvious reasons). I'm indifferent on which one, both of them are very close to each other and both of them are single, so if I ask one out she will for sure tell the other one
How would you proceed to meet one of the girls again? Message both? message one? I have some stuff in mind on how to proceed, but would love to know your opinion
-Caught in between
Dear Frank,
Say you're at the gym, so you meet two girls (who happen to be very close friends). Talked to one first, made her laugh a bit then walked away and when ran into her again about 5 minutes after, she kept talking to me and introduced me to her friend (which happens to be very cute as well), so we talked for a bit and when I was going to go away I just asked them if they are on Facebook, just saying let's be friends, so they both added me on Facebook.
I wouldn't mind with going out and proceeding further with either of them, however I can only do that with one of them (for obvious reasons). I'm indifferent on which one, both of them are very close to each other and both of them are single, so if I ask one out she will for sure tell the other one
How would you proceed to meet one of the girls again? Message both? message one? I have some stuff in mind on how to proceed, but would love to know your opinion
-Caught in between
Dear Between,
Since you do not see the possibility of dating them both, and you feel you need to choose one over the other, I would suggest that you set up a social circle event (click that link to see the book on social circle dating) and invite them both, as part of a larger group. See through their actions which one would want to date you. Go with that.
You will be able to better see which one you are more compatible with, and in the even one of them likes you more than the other, you will be able to spot that if you know what the signs are that someone is attracted to you. (If you do not know this, sign up for my coaching program).
With that said, be mindful that you do have the option of dating more than one person at a time, and there are ways to initiate conversations to see what is possible with these two friends, without coming across as inappropriate.
For the time being, find out what common interests all three of you have, and set up some social circle events for all of you (and additional friends) to attend and get to know each other.
-Frank, Because I have to be
Originally published July 18, 2016, updated on April 20, 2018
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Frank Advice Q&A
- Published on
Dear Frank:
I am a 52 yr. old female, divorced for almost 2 years. I have been dating a man whom I met on an Internet dating site since July 2011 (almost 1 year post-divorce). We spend almost every weekend together & are very involved in each others lives.
Due to our work schedules, we are not able to see each other during the week, but he does make a point of calling me every evening. It was obvious right from the start that we had that proverbial chemistry. Our chat sessions became more & more intimate.
After approximately 3 weeks of on-line chatting, he asked me for my phone number, which I eagerly gave him. He called me almost immediately. We spoke on the phone daily, sometimes even 2 or 3 times a day, for sometimes 1 to 2 hours at a time.
After about a week of phone calls, he invited me to his house for supper. I know I probably need my head examined for going to a man’s home that I hadn’t even met in person yet, but I accepted. His 10-year-old son would also be there, so I figured I couldn’t be in any danger.
When I arrived at his home, there was an immediate physical attraction to each other & all evening, the sexual tension between us was palpable. We engaged in sexual intercourse that evening. I know, I know, I’m an idiot! I commented to him that I didn’t normally have sex on a first date & he commented that he wasn’t into one night stands, so I had better get used to being with him for a long time to come.
During the first 2 months or so, we were like a couple of teenagers again; we couldn’t wait to be alone with each other. One weekend, shortly after our initial meeting, he invited me to his cottage.
Let me repeat, I know, I know, I’m an idiot for going to a somewhat secluded place where there was nowhere for me to run if necessary, but I felt completely safe with him. Needless to say neither one of us spent any time outdoors that weekend.
My problem is this: since the initial 2 months, the sex has stopped.
We are sleeping in the same bed at his cottage every weekend, he will hold my hand when walking, kiss me, hug me, flirt, but actual intercourse, or anything more than a hug or kiss, has ceased. I have tried everything in the hopes of sparking his interest (flirting, sexy lingerie, back rubs), but to no avail. I have asked him if he no longer was attracted to me, if perhaps there was something I wasn’t doing to please him, or something I was doing that he didn’t like, etc.
He replied that sex had never really been important to him & that it had absolutely nothing to do with me in particular. He said that he thought he felt that way because of the line of work he is in (he runs an x-rated theatre) because he only ever sees women being used as sex toys or being placed in degrading situations.
I am totally confused. On one hand, he is still very attentive towards me, but I found out that he is still visiting, on a daily basis, the same dating site where we met. When I questioned him about it, he claimed he didn’t know how to delete his profile. I explained to him step-by-step how to delete it, but he said his page seemed to be different from mine & he couldn't see anywhere how to delete it.
For a couple of days I accepted his excuse. But, the more I thought about it, the more I found his answer to be ridiculous. So, I created a fake profile & initiated a conversation with him. Posing as a rather good-looking woman, I pointedly asked him if he was currently involved with someone & his response was “no, he wasn’t”. I was astounded.
Now, I don’t know what to do with this information. Why would he lie about his relationship with me? I am utterly confused. He still acts as if we’re in a serious relationship, doing everything a couple usually does together, refers to me as his girlfriend & keeps asking me when I'm going to introduce him to my father, but any physical intimacies have come to a complete halt.
I don’t know what to do or think anymore. Is he just using me until something better comes along? I would really appreciate your professional opinion.
-Extremely Puzzled
Dear E-Puzzled,
My professional opinion is first and foremost to stop beating yourself up and calling yourself names.
Calling yourself an idiot is a bad habit to get into. At best it will make you unattractive to potential good partners and at worst it will damage you on an emotional level. You did nothing wrong. You are a healthy woman who has human needs.
Next, without being able to meet with you both as a couple, I can only form an opinion on what you wrote in your letter, so my scope could be limited. I do not know his relationship history, and I do not know your repeating behavior patterns from your past marriage.
So, if we all did meet in person for a coaching session, I would be looking for such kinds of behavior patterns like if you tend to seek out emotional unavailable men, and if he has kept most of his relations with women limited to sexual interactions.
As I see it, he may have a number of issues going on. He might be over your relationship, but does not have the courage to break up with you, so he is being passive aggressive hoping you will break up the relationship for him.
He may have a fear of intimacy and when your initial relationship was merely sexual he had no problem performing, but now that it seems to have lasted beyond the romance phase, it is challenging him on an emotional level that he is not comfortable with. He could just be a jerk that leads women on because he values a “motherly” attention rather than sex, and tries to rope in as many lonely women into his circle as he can.
Incidentally, to be clear, it is more probable it is not his job that caused him to have a fear of intimacy, but rather his fear of intimacy that led him to that job. Understand?
With all that said, he is not the real issue in this case. You are, as you wrote the letter asking for advice. Your focus cannot be trying to understand why he is acting the way he is acting. Although understanding his motivations can be important, your primary focus must be on YOUR BOUNDARIES.
You may never fully know why he acts the way he does, and quite frankly, who cares? What you are in control of is how you react to his actions. What are your relationship boundaries? For example if sex is important to you, and it is a boundary that you want sex at this stage of your life regularly in your relationships, then it is up to you to communicate that (which you already have) and if he still does not open up or attempt to accommodate you, then leave and find another partner.
For example, let’s say the issue is that he suffers from impotence and was using some kind of medical aid to function sexually at that time…this is something he would need to open up about and be honest with you when reaching the boyfriend/girlfriend stage (he publicly acknowledges you as his girlfriend).
What are your boundaries about his needing medication or sex not being important?
Your boundaries are the deal breakers of what you will and will not tolerate. They have nothing to do with whom you happen to be dating. Boundaries are all about you and your personal value system.
This will include what your boundaries are regarding being lied to, being cheated on, and being sexually rejected. Your boundaries will surely require you to address the issue of your new boyfriend keeping his online dating profile up. (Are you actually telling me that neither of you knows someone that is technical savvy enough to help take down the profile or that you could not have done it for him when next over at his place? Com’on)
I think your instincts are correct about this guy. I would encourage you to learn to trust yourself more. You are not the idiot you claim to be. You know what you need to do.
-Frank
I am a 52 yr. old female, divorced for almost 2 years. I have been dating a man whom I met on an Internet dating site since July 2011 (almost 1 year post-divorce). We spend almost every weekend together & are very involved in each others lives.
Due to our work schedules, we are not able to see each other during the week, but he does make a point of calling me every evening. It was obvious right from the start that we had that proverbial chemistry. Our chat sessions became more & more intimate.
After approximately 3 weeks of on-line chatting, he asked me for my phone number, which I eagerly gave him. He called me almost immediately. We spoke on the phone daily, sometimes even 2 or 3 times a day, for sometimes 1 to 2 hours at a time.
After about a week of phone calls, he invited me to his house for supper. I know I probably need my head examined for going to a man’s home that I hadn’t even met in person yet, but I accepted. His 10-year-old son would also be there, so I figured I couldn’t be in any danger.
When I arrived at his home, there was an immediate physical attraction to each other & all evening, the sexual tension between us was palpable. We engaged in sexual intercourse that evening. I know, I know, I’m an idiot! I commented to him that I didn’t normally have sex on a first date & he commented that he wasn’t into one night stands, so I had better get used to being with him for a long time to come.
During the first 2 months or so, we were like a couple of teenagers again; we couldn’t wait to be alone with each other. One weekend, shortly after our initial meeting, he invited me to his cottage.
Let me repeat, I know, I know, I’m an idiot for going to a somewhat secluded place where there was nowhere for me to run if necessary, but I felt completely safe with him. Needless to say neither one of us spent any time outdoors that weekend.
My problem is this: since the initial 2 months, the sex has stopped.
We are sleeping in the same bed at his cottage every weekend, he will hold my hand when walking, kiss me, hug me, flirt, but actual intercourse, or anything more than a hug or kiss, has ceased. I have tried everything in the hopes of sparking his interest (flirting, sexy lingerie, back rubs), but to no avail. I have asked him if he no longer was attracted to me, if perhaps there was something I wasn’t doing to please him, or something I was doing that he didn’t like, etc.
He replied that sex had never really been important to him & that it had absolutely nothing to do with me in particular. He said that he thought he felt that way because of the line of work he is in (he runs an x-rated theatre) because he only ever sees women being used as sex toys or being placed in degrading situations.
I am totally confused. On one hand, he is still very attentive towards me, but I found out that he is still visiting, on a daily basis, the same dating site where we met. When I questioned him about it, he claimed he didn’t know how to delete his profile. I explained to him step-by-step how to delete it, but he said his page seemed to be different from mine & he couldn't see anywhere how to delete it.
For a couple of days I accepted his excuse. But, the more I thought about it, the more I found his answer to be ridiculous. So, I created a fake profile & initiated a conversation with him. Posing as a rather good-looking woman, I pointedly asked him if he was currently involved with someone & his response was “no, he wasn’t”. I was astounded.
Now, I don’t know what to do with this information. Why would he lie about his relationship with me? I am utterly confused. He still acts as if we’re in a serious relationship, doing everything a couple usually does together, refers to me as his girlfriend & keeps asking me when I'm going to introduce him to my father, but any physical intimacies have come to a complete halt.
I don’t know what to do or think anymore. Is he just using me until something better comes along? I would really appreciate your professional opinion.
-Extremely Puzzled
Dear E-Puzzled,
My professional opinion is first and foremost to stop beating yourself up and calling yourself names.
Calling yourself an idiot is a bad habit to get into. At best it will make you unattractive to potential good partners and at worst it will damage you on an emotional level. You did nothing wrong. You are a healthy woman who has human needs.
Next, without being able to meet with you both as a couple, I can only form an opinion on what you wrote in your letter, so my scope could be limited. I do not know his relationship history, and I do not know your repeating behavior patterns from your past marriage.
So, if we all did meet in person for a coaching session, I would be looking for such kinds of behavior patterns like if you tend to seek out emotional unavailable men, and if he has kept most of his relations with women limited to sexual interactions.
As I see it, he may have a number of issues going on. He might be over your relationship, but does not have the courage to break up with you, so he is being passive aggressive hoping you will break up the relationship for him.
He may have a fear of intimacy and when your initial relationship was merely sexual he had no problem performing, but now that it seems to have lasted beyond the romance phase, it is challenging him on an emotional level that he is not comfortable with. He could just be a jerk that leads women on because he values a “motherly” attention rather than sex, and tries to rope in as many lonely women into his circle as he can.
Incidentally, to be clear, it is more probable it is not his job that caused him to have a fear of intimacy, but rather his fear of intimacy that led him to that job. Understand?
With all that said, he is not the real issue in this case. You are, as you wrote the letter asking for advice. Your focus cannot be trying to understand why he is acting the way he is acting. Although understanding his motivations can be important, your primary focus must be on YOUR BOUNDARIES.
You may never fully know why he acts the way he does, and quite frankly, who cares? What you are in control of is how you react to his actions. What are your relationship boundaries? For example if sex is important to you, and it is a boundary that you want sex at this stage of your life regularly in your relationships, then it is up to you to communicate that (which you already have) and if he still does not open up or attempt to accommodate you, then leave and find another partner.
For example, let’s say the issue is that he suffers from impotence and was using some kind of medical aid to function sexually at that time…this is something he would need to open up about and be honest with you when reaching the boyfriend/girlfriend stage (he publicly acknowledges you as his girlfriend).
What are your boundaries about his needing medication or sex not being important?
Your boundaries are the deal breakers of what you will and will not tolerate. They have nothing to do with whom you happen to be dating. Boundaries are all about you and your personal value system.
This will include what your boundaries are regarding being lied to, being cheated on, and being sexually rejected. Your boundaries will surely require you to address the issue of your new boyfriend keeping his online dating profile up. (Are you actually telling me that neither of you knows someone that is technical savvy enough to help take down the profile or that you could not have done it for him when next over at his place? Com’on)
I think your instincts are correct about this guy. I would encourage you to learn to trust yourself more. You are not the idiot you claim to be. You know what you need to do.
-Frank
- Published on
Swinger Beginners: Keep it Out of the Work Place
By Frank Kermit
Dear Frank,
My husband and I recently returned from a business trip/vacation where a few of my husband's co-workers also brought their wives. We really hit it off with one of the other couples - where towards the end of the week, it was flirtatious between the other husband and I - at which point I was more aware of actions and comments that could be indicators of testing the waters for other interests.
Although my husband and I have discussed it (the possibility of experiencing swinging together), neither of us have participated in swinging - so our experience and exposure is nil. Are there "pick up lines", or the like, that are indicators? I don't want to jeopardize the relationship with this couple by approaching the subject directly, if I'm reading more into it.
One of the nights, all of our coats ended up in our hotel room for the four of us to get together after we left the hotel bar for the night. During one of the evening conversations, mostly out of the blue, the wife asked me if I had seen a movie where two neighbors had switched houses - husbands - and one had been accused of the murder of one of the wives.
Thanks in advance JC
Dear JC,
When transitioning from monogamy to any form of non-monogamy (or the reverse for that matter of going from non-monogamy to monogamy), the first basic rule is the same.
You go SLOW.
Take your time before altering the relationship structure that you have been accustom too. So it is good that you held off from taking any actions with this couple that could potentially turn your friendship with them sour. With that said, I am going to advise not to pursue anything with this couple, even if the couple is interested in swinging with you and your husband.
Regardless of anything else you have written, it sounds to me that the other woman’s husband and your husband are co-workers. There are some employers that have policies regarding employees getting involved in any sort of romantic relationships including recreational sex.
When co-workers have sex or date it can be a complicated affair, even when things work out leading a serious relationship. When you throw swinging into the mix, it is even more complicated.
Depending on how the employment agreement is worded and the scope of what the company feels might be employees getting too involved with each other, it is possible that your husbands could lose their jobs, and also depending on the area of the North America in which you live, the stigma with being associated with the swinger lifestyle could even cost each of them a career.
Bottom-line is that if you are looking for some first time experience with non-monogamy, co-workers are strictly off limits.
With all that said, I am not so sure that the couple you describe are swingers.
In fact the out-of-the-blue comment made by the wife of the other couple strikes me more of a red flag as I get the impression that she might have been trying to give you a warning to back off. If the wife was really interested in trying to probe you to see how open you and your husband are towards the swinger lifestyle, there are a number of other popular culture medias she could have referred too.
Media programs like Big Love and Sister Wives (polygamy), Bob & Carol& Ted & Alice (movie on wife swapping), When Two Won’t Do (documentary on open relationships) and even various episodes of the different Star Trek shows that talk about alien societies that function on principles of non-monogamy.
The wife in your situation chose the movie entitled Consenting Adults about a supposed couple swap that lands one of the wives murdered. I don’t think that someone who was interested in swapping husbands with you would use that particular movie to initiate a move towards that goal.
My feeling is that the wife picked up on the fact that her husband and you were getting along a little too well, and rather than turn a work-related function sour by making a sense, she sent you a subtle message threatening you to stay away from her husband even if her husband found you attractive.
Swingers clubs often have information nights for newbie couples to come in and get a lecture about how swinging works, where and how to meet new couples, and the nuances of the unique etiquette of how swinger couples interact at a swingers club. Check to see if the swinger clubs closest to you offer any.
Do a lot more research before you jump in as swinging will never make a bad marriage better, and rushing in could ruin what you already have with your husband.
There are some swingers dating websites that will have some informative resources for you to explore. The ones that I would recommend are the long established http://www.trystmag.com/ based in Canada, and http://venuscouples.com/ which is a swinger site aimed at women that is completely pornography free.
-Frank
By Frank Kermit
Dear Frank,
My husband and I recently returned from a business trip/vacation where a few of my husband's co-workers also brought their wives. We really hit it off with one of the other couples - where towards the end of the week, it was flirtatious between the other husband and I - at which point I was more aware of actions and comments that could be indicators of testing the waters for other interests.
Although my husband and I have discussed it (the possibility of experiencing swinging together), neither of us have participated in swinging - so our experience and exposure is nil. Are there "pick up lines", or the like, that are indicators? I don't want to jeopardize the relationship with this couple by approaching the subject directly, if I'm reading more into it.
One of the nights, all of our coats ended up in our hotel room for the four of us to get together after we left the hotel bar for the night. During one of the evening conversations, mostly out of the blue, the wife asked me if I had seen a movie where two neighbors had switched houses - husbands - and one had been accused of the murder of one of the wives.
Thanks in advance JC
Dear JC,
When transitioning from monogamy to any form of non-monogamy (or the reverse for that matter of going from non-monogamy to monogamy), the first basic rule is the same.
You go SLOW.
Take your time before altering the relationship structure that you have been accustom too. So it is good that you held off from taking any actions with this couple that could potentially turn your friendship with them sour. With that said, I am going to advise not to pursue anything with this couple, even if the couple is interested in swinging with you and your husband.
Regardless of anything else you have written, it sounds to me that the other woman’s husband and your husband are co-workers. There are some employers that have policies regarding employees getting involved in any sort of romantic relationships including recreational sex.
When co-workers have sex or date it can be a complicated affair, even when things work out leading a serious relationship. When you throw swinging into the mix, it is even more complicated.
Depending on how the employment agreement is worded and the scope of what the company feels might be employees getting too involved with each other, it is possible that your husbands could lose their jobs, and also depending on the area of the North America in which you live, the stigma with being associated with the swinger lifestyle could even cost each of them a career.
Bottom-line is that if you are looking for some first time experience with non-monogamy, co-workers are strictly off limits.
With all that said, I am not so sure that the couple you describe are swingers.
In fact the out-of-the-blue comment made by the wife of the other couple strikes me more of a red flag as I get the impression that she might have been trying to give you a warning to back off. If the wife was really interested in trying to probe you to see how open you and your husband are towards the swinger lifestyle, there are a number of other popular culture medias she could have referred too.
Media programs like Big Love and Sister Wives (polygamy), Bob & Carol& Ted & Alice (movie on wife swapping), When Two Won’t Do (documentary on open relationships) and even various episodes of the different Star Trek shows that talk about alien societies that function on principles of non-monogamy.
The wife in your situation chose the movie entitled Consenting Adults about a supposed couple swap that lands one of the wives murdered. I don’t think that someone who was interested in swapping husbands with you would use that particular movie to initiate a move towards that goal.
My feeling is that the wife picked up on the fact that her husband and you were getting along a little too well, and rather than turn a work-related function sour by making a sense, she sent you a subtle message threatening you to stay away from her husband even if her husband found you attractive.
Swingers clubs often have information nights for newbie couples to come in and get a lecture about how swinging works, where and how to meet new couples, and the nuances of the unique etiquette of how swinger couples interact at a swingers club. Check to see if the swinger clubs closest to you offer any.
Do a lot more research before you jump in as swinging will never make a bad marriage better, and rushing in could ruin what you already have with your husband.
There are some swingers dating websites that will have some informative resources for you to explore. The ones that I would recommend are the long established http://www.trystmag.com/ based in Canada, and http://venuscouples.com/ which is a swinger site aimed at women that is completely pornography free.
-Frank
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how to make someone tell you the truth
Handling The Truth About Relationships
Is All About Handling The Truth About Human Beings
By Frank Kermit
Originally published July 19, 2018, updated April 20, 2018
When someone asks to learn the single most important thing that I can think of that would ensure they have the best chance of making long term relationships succeed, time and again, when going through the practice of relationship coaching, that single most important element that keeps coming up is:
A Persons Ability To Handle Truth.
The willingness to listen to the truth about your relationship situation and handling the truth in a mature and reasonable manner can be the key difference between a long term marriage-‘til-death-do-you-part or a quickie-divorce. It is that key.
Frank's Rule of Honesty is that people will only tend to be as honest with you as much as you give the image of what you can handle.
If you present yourself as someone that will not be able to handle the truth, or you have a reputation of freaking out when you hear a truth that you do not like, it is pretty well guaranteed that you have taught the people around you that it is in their best interest, and yours, for them to lie to you when they can.
During my own personal development, something that I learned when I wanted to encourage honesty from others is that I taught myself how to handle truth.
Meaning,
that regardless of how bad the news, I would hold off acting on any emotion until I could be alone later.
So when I get told really shocking news, I do withdraw, but I do not act out and explode.
This has been KEY in getting people to talk to me with their truths.
I don't promise not to get mad, I just promise not to act on that anger right away.
I control the behavior, not the emotion.
It has strengthened my connections with others.
Succeeding at making long term relationships work can depend greatly on being the kind of person that people felt they could be completely honest about regarding their secrets, their vulnerabilities and their sexual histories.
If you can make people feel that safe with you, then you will always be in a position to know the truth of your relationship situation, and that is what puts you in control of being able to manage your relationships, and the potential threats to it.
You can never allow yourself to be in the position to fear truth. When it comes to the truth about your relationship, you simply must learn to handle things that you likely would rather not want to hear.
For example, a truth in relationships that most people would rather not acknowledge is that even if you are happily involved with someone in a serious and exclusive relationship, you are STILL going to be attracted to other people.
It has NOTHING to do with how much the partners love each other.
It has nothing to do with how the partners treat one another.
It only has to do with basic sexual orientation.
If a person had the capacity to feel attracted to and/or fall in love with a human being once, they will likely do so again and again, no matter what they have committed too.
To be clear, we are talking about how you do not control how you feel (attraction for another person that is not your partner) which is a completely separate issue from acting on that attraction if you have made a commitment not to act on them.
Now, let’s take that example and see what is the real dangerous.
Some people feel that expressing to your partner that you are attracted to another person is a direct threat to that relationship.
Actually, it is not.
It is just a truth about your relationship.
The FEAR of expressing yourself to your partner, or the fear of your partner expressing a truth to you, is the real threat to your relationship.
It is those couples that understand that knowing the truth, no matter how much it can ding the ego, is always the best means of helping to preserve the relationship, that have the best chance of lasting through the rough times together.
Relationship Skills Mastery, at its core, is the embracement of the full truth about your partner and yourself.
Relationships based on intellectual constructs and ideals, which prevent couples from being completely honest with each other about how they are feeling, is the real danger.
It is in those omissions of truth that the cracks in the foundations of the trust that is the basis of a relationship may start the tower of love to crumble.
Although many people claim they want a partner who will be honest, a number of those same people simply cannot handle a partner being honest.
(How often do you actually tell a partner if that outfit makes them look fat?).
Don't ask for the truth if you cannot handle it.
If you really want honesty, be strong enough to take it.
This is the real world.
There is no having it both ways.
If you ask for honesty but you react out of control, like you cannot handle honesty well, you are going to train everyone to start lying to you.
Sorry, but you need to keep things in perspective.
If you are losing yourself in your rage,
you will destroy everything you love.
Frank Kermit
If you want to get someone to be honest with you, to tell you something, you do not need to cast any truth spells. All you need to do is learn the traits of a charismatic person.
People feel safe to tell the truth to those that are charming and know how to handle truth.
Learn to handle the truth. Buy the Art of Calibration Program: From Creepy To Charisma
People feel safe to tell the truth to those that are charming and know how to handle truth.
Learn to handle the truth. Buy the Art of Calibration Program: From Creepy To Charisma
how to make someone tell the truth
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choosing the right partner
Choosing The Right Partner Is 50% of Your Relationship Success
Originally published July 18, 2016, updated April 20, 2018
By Frank Kermit
Even at your best, you are still only 50% of the relationship. That means that no matter how great a person you are, and no matter how amazing your relationship skills are, you are still only 50% responsible for the relationship success you have.
However, when I coach singles and couples, who claim that the other person must then make up the other 50%, I correct them and tell them that it isn’t necessarily the other person that guarantees relationship success…it is if the first person’s ability to chose the right partner for them.
Confused yet?
Yeah, me too sometimes (and I am the one that came up with these original theories!)
Sometimes people assume that if they just “become better”, or work harder on themselves, or become more attractive, that everything in their current relationships will work out.
Although this could make some sense depending on the context it is important to understand that no amount of self-help, new social skills, or personal development will ever adequately make up for a relationship partner that is not the right partner for you.
For example, let’s say that you are a stanch monogamist, and your partner constantly commits acts of lying and infidelity.
The solution to such a fundamental problem is not about the first person become “better”, more understanding, or learning advanced relationship skills in order to fix the relationship by trying to make up for the lack of relational commitment by the other partner.
The only solution to that dynamic is for the first person to end the relationship and choose a new future partner that is compatible with your boundaries and emotional needs.
We do not choose who we love.
However, we do choose who we date and form intimacy with.
You will feel a variety of attraction, attachment and emotions for different people in your life.
That does not mean that just because you feel “something” that you necessarily have to commit to someone that is not right for you nor even act in a manner that keeps you going back to your ex partner.
By the same token, if you have a challenge with feeling anything for someone that would be great for you, that is not a sign that your potential ideal partner is wrong for you…as much as it is likely a sign that you need to re-tweak your own “attraction mechanism”.
If the only people that you are turned on by to date are people that you cannot form an emotionally healthy relationship with that is your red flag; a sign that you need to work on the source of why you end up only seeking out people that you cannot build a future with.
If you are the type of person that continually learns new communication skills, reads every relationship book that comes out, buys the latest better-sex product, and study the topic of love to no end…but you do not cultivate your capacity to choose your realistic potential life partner, then your eventual relationship success will be zero.
The best relationship skills with the wrong partner will never be better than basic average relationship skills with the right partner.
Frank Kermit
To find the right partner, learn to attract someone that will fall in love with you and love you immensely without question, by studying the emotional needs.
To BE the right partner that your ideal lover wants to commit to, study the emotional needs so you know what to say and how to act to make them fall in love with you.
factors to consider in choosing a lifetime partner
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How Attraction Works
The Attraction Theory
Originally published July 18, 2018, updated April 20, 2018
By Frank Kermit
There is an attraction theory that states,
"How you do one thing,
is representative of how you do
all other things."
Although this particular theory is not realistic and cannot be applied across the board in any tangible and measureable way, it does have some merit when it comes to the Emotional Interpretations.
Basically, the theory claims that if you are looking for signs as to what kind of partner someone would be for you in a relationship, look at how a person conducts him or her self, to give you an idea, of what kind of partner someone would make.
On some level, this does make sense, as people generally are their repeating behavior patterns.
Someone whose repeating behavior pattern is to lie, lie and lie some more, may be very incapable of being honest with anyone, including the people he or she dates.
On the other hand, the theory that how you do one thing represents how you do all things is not correct when it comes to all things.
How someone acts in one context may be very specific to that context.
Just because someone puts in the time to take care of her health, does not mean she will put time into taking care of her family connections.
Just because someone makes the extra effort at his job, does not mean they will be able to put in that same effort in managing his own business.
In both those examples, there could be extraneous circumstances to explain how one behavior does not represent a predictable behavior in another context.
For example, the woman in the above example may be overly preoccupied with her appearance such that she focuses on her own health and beauty, and does not focus on the emotional fulfillment of her family, and the man in the example works hard because he responds to authority checking up on him, but would not be assertive for himself if no one is there to scold him for being less pro-active.
However, when it comes to dating, many people look for those “signs” that someone is meant to be your best potential soul mate.
They look at status symbols that may include education level, wealth, social connections, and even wearing white after Labor Day, none of which is a direct indicator of how well someone treats a partner in a relationship.
Those “signs” can serve as indicators of some kind of significance, but if you really want to safeguard yourself from being mislead by “signs”, then remember this one point:
How someone treats you must be your most important criteria.
If you plan to have children, or already have children, then your most important criteria should also include an analysis of what kind of parent someone would be.
Frank Kermit
Emotional Needs of Men
If you really want to attract someone, then you MUST study the Frank Kermit Emotional Needs Theories.
It produces marriages, helps adult virgins find their first love, and makes relationship easy to attract and manage.
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Emotional Needs of Women
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Relationship Ultimatums
Ultimatums In Love
By Frank Kermit
Ultimatums can come up in any and all relationships. Even the best relationships can face a crisis point where an ultimatum is necessary and uttered.
Ultimatums are not pleasant, neither for the person issuing it, nor for the person on the receiving end of it.
However, if a relationship can get past the ultimatum, and resolve the crisis point, it can be one of the hurdles that will help the relationship survive into the future.
An ultimatum is NOT a sign that you are with the wrong partner.
If you find yourself in a position where you feel the need to issue an ultimatum to your partner, it tends to be a sign that you have not communicated your needs and boundaries directly enough.
This is especially the case when the resentment or the desire to make the ultimatum has been brewing for quite some time.
I often find in my practice that those people who fall into the category of "people pleasers" tend to shy away from conflict and then, after the frustration builds up, will explode with anger and ultimatums, in part because, the build up became so overwhelming it was too painful not to deal with their fear of conflict.
If these individuals would have communicated with their partners as the issues came up, instead of shying away from discussing topics that may be momentarily unpleasant, the entire blow up process may have never come to pass.
Some of the more common ultimatums that I see in my practice are with couples that are either struggling to move to the next level of commitment (becoming exclusive, start living together, getting engaged, setting the wedding date, having children) or those couples that are facing some kind of perceived threat (staying in touch with an ex who will not give up trying to rekindle).
However, an ultimatum can be about anything that one partner seriously requires a change with that without complying with said ultimatum, might bring about the desire to end the relationship.
Some couples want a partner to take better care of health issues (like quitting drugs) and others demand a change in lifestyle, and even a move to a completely different home.
The ultimatum itself is actually less important than the way it is communicated.
If you are going to issue an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, be direct, be clear and firm about what you need changed and why it is very important to you.
No screaming, no name calling, no personal attacks.
Start off by telling your partner that you want to set aside some time to talk about something important to you and to schedule it when you feel your partner would be most receptive (such as a Saturday night after a day of rest, instead of a Monday morning just before a big presentation at work).
If you are on the receiving end of an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, listen, ask questions to be sure you are clear about what your partner needs and why it is important, listen some more, and leave your ego at the door as much as you can.
Even if your partner is not saying it in a way that you are happy about, try to put your compassion for your partner ahead of your offended ego.
When your partner is communicating an ultimatum to you, your partner is in fact acting like your best friend.
Your partner is giving you a full chance to take control of a situation by bringing his or her discontentment to your attention.
This is actually much better than a partner deciding not to confront you, and potentially doing something behind your back out of emotional vengeance, or simply surprising you with a break up, without ever giving your relationship a chance.
That is why you have to be grateful for the ultimatum, even if you despise what you may be hearing.
Now, what if you and your partner have reached an impasse?
What if the ultimatum is about something that you either are not sure is a good idea to agree too, or if it is something that is completely against your value system.
For example, your partner cannot abide any longer having your aging and ill health parent live in the same house as your family, but you do not want to relocate your parent to a special care senior’s residence.
What do you do then, when your values have reached a crisis point of incompatibility?
In situations like this, it is often a good idea to seek out the help of a professional who can offer an objective point of view and can assess if anyone is being unreasonable.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Ultimatums can come up in any and all relationships. Even the best relationships can face a crisis point where an ultimatum is necessary and uttered.
Ultimatums are not pleasant, neither for the person issuing it, nor for the person on the receiving end of it.
However, if a relationship can get past the ultimatum, and resolve the crisis point, it can be one of the hurdles that will help the relationship survive into the future.
An ultimatum is NOT a sign that you are with the wrong partner.
If you find yourself in a position where you feel the need to issue an ultimatum to your partner, it tends to be a sign that you have not communicated your needs and boundaries directly enough.
This is especially the case when the resentment or the desire to make the ultimatum has been brewing for quite some time.
I often find in my practice that those people who fall into the category of "people pleasers" tend to shy away from conflict and then, after the frustration builds up, will explode with anger and ultimatums, in part because, the build up became so overwhelming it was too painful not to deal with their fear of conflict.
If these individuals would have communicated with their partners as the issues came up, instead of shying away from discussing topics that may be momentarily unpleasant, the entire blow up process may have never come to pass.
Some of the more common ultimatums that I see in my practice are with couples that are either struggling to move to the next level of commitment (becoming exclusive, start living together, getting engaged, setting the wedding date, having children) or those couples that are facing some kind of perceived threat (staying in touch with an ex who will not give up trying to rekindle).
However, an ultimatum can be about anything that one partner seriously requires a change with that without complying with said ultimatum, might bring about the desire to end the relationship.
Some couples want a partner to take better care of health issues (like quitting drugs) and others demand a change in lifestyle, and even a move to a completely different home.
The ultimatum itself is actually less important than the way it is communicated.
If you are going to issue an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, be direct, be clear and firm about what you need changed and why it is very important to you.
No screaming, no name calling, no personal attacks.
Start off by telling your partner that you want to set aside some time to talk about something important to you and to schedule it when you feel your partner would be most receptive (such as a Saturday night after a day of rest, instead of a Monday morning just before a big presentation at work).
If you are on the receiving end of an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, listen, ask questions to be sure you are clear about what your partner needs and why it is important, listen some more, and leave your ego at the door as much as you can.
Even if your partner is not saying it in a way that you are happy about, try to put your compassion for your partner ahead of your offended ego.
When your partner is communicating an ultimatum to you, your partner is in fact acting like your best friend.
Your partner is giving you a full chance to take control of a situation by bringing his or her discontentment to your attention.
This is actually much better than a partner deciding not to confront you, and potentially doing something behind your back out of emotional vengeance, or simply surprising you with a break up, without ever giving your relationship a chance.
That is why you have to be grateful for the ultimatum, even if you despise what you may be hearing.
Now, what if you and your partner have reached an impasse?
What if the ultimatum is about something that you either are not sure is a good idea to agree too, or if it is something that is completely against your value system.
For example, your partner cannot abide any longer having your aging and ill health parent live in the same house as your family, but you do not want to relocate your parent to a special care senior’s residence.
What do you do then, when your values have reached a crisis point of incompatibility?
In situations like this, it is often a good idea to seek out the help of a professional who can offer an objective point of view and can assess if anyone is being unreasonable.
Frank Kermit
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ultimatum resolution
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If you are seeking a serious long-term relationship, specifically, a relationship that would eventually lead to marriage and wearing beautiful wedding rings together, you will have to eventually make a choice one-day between your spouse and your friends.
At some point, you will be faced with a situation where your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse will be in conflict. It is at that point, if you have not already made your parameters clear, you will be forced to do so.
At some point, you will be faced with a situation where your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse will be in conflict. It is at that point, if you have not already made your parameters clear, you will be forced to do so.
Choosing Between Friends vs Lovers
For that reason, when I work with coaching clients who are single and looking for a life partner, I encourage them to start thinking about what those boundaries would be, and to start defining them now, while single, so that when they do enter into a serious relationship, they are ready to manage their new spouse and their existing friendships.
Not everyone has this dilemma. Some people are already well aware of their personal priorities and know exactly where they personally will draw the line. While others, may have never contemplated that there would ever be a conflict between the two sides. Yet there are a few others who simply do not want to even discuss potential conflict resolutions for a variety of reasons.
So here is an example:
You and your spouse have been working very hard on saving up for a down payment on a house. You both work long hours and have sacrificed much to get to the point where you have that 20% down payment ready in order to qualify for a mortgage. Next week, you will seek out a real estate agent and start house hunting. Then you get a call from one of your friends. Your friend is in trouble. It is something serious, and your friend has no one else to turn too. Your friend needs a large sum of money. Let’s assume that without that money, your friend is going to go through immanent hardship. You could be in a position to lend your friend your share of the money you have saved up for the house down payment. You talk to your spouse and your spouse refuses.
Do you choose your friend (who has helped you out more than anyone can know), or your spouse who you want to build a future life with that might leave you if you side with your friend?
I have left elements of the story very vague for the reader to fill in. Questions such as, is it a life and death situation? Are children with the spouse already involved in this decision? Are there no other options for the couple to get a mortgage at a cheaper down payment or other sources for the friend to reach out to for this money? Looking at this question as well as the value systems of each individual is part of the pre-marriage coaching program I take new couples through, to prepare them for the eventual choice they will have to make between their spouse and their friends.
Now, what if the situation wasn’t so serious or so dire? What if the issue is simply a matter of your spouse and friends not getting along? What if the issue might be that your friend never fully accepted your spouse into your life and takes passive aggressive measures to influence a rift between you both as a couple? What if your spouse is simply suspicious of your friend, even though your friend has not overtly done anything inappropriate to your knowledge? What if it is simply a matter that your spouse and your friend are not willing to tolerate each other? Where would you draw the line then?
What comes up in a pre-marriage coaching session often surprises the individuals of the couple as they express to each other their thoughts, feelings, and expectations on this subject.
What I will say to conclude this article is that if and when you choose someone to commit to as a spouse, that commitment comes with certain obligations and expectations. Be clear as to what you are expecting, and communicate that with your partner, as well as, make sure your partner communicates the same with you.
If you plan to dedicate your life and everything you own and every resource you will ever earn to another human being, it is important to know what conditions come along with that commitment, what strings attached may be in place (if any) and where each of you draws the lines between your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse.
I promise you, that if you do not talk about it before you get committed, you will surely talk about it, after you commit and a situation forces the conversation. The choice is going to be calling on you to make it. Do what you can now to be ready.
A broken engagement is far better than a happy divorce.
Frank Kermit
Not everyone has this dilemma. Some people are already well aware of their personal priorities and know exactly where they personally will draw the line. While others, may have never contemplated that there would ever be a conflict between the two sides. Yet there are a few others who simply do not want to even discuss potential conflict resolutions for a variety of reasons.
So here is an example:
You and your spouse have been working very hard on saving up for a down payment on a house. You both work long hours and have sacrificed much to get to the point where you have that 20% down payment ready in order to qualify for a mortgage. Next week, you will seek out a real estate agent and start house hunting. Then you get a call from one of your friends. Your friend is in trouble. It is something serious, and your friend has no one else to turn too. Your friend needs a large sum of money. Let’s assume that without that money, your friend is going to go through immanent hardship. You could be in a position to lend your friend your share of the money you have saved up for the house down payment. You talk to your spouse and your spouse refuses.
Do you choose your friend (who has helped you out more than anyone can know), or your spouse who you want to build a future life with that might leave you if you side with your friend?
I have left elements of the story very vague for the reader to fill in. Questions such as, is it a life and death situation? Are children with the spouse already involved in this decision? Are there no other options for the couple to get a mortgage at a cheaper down payment or other sources for the friend to reach out to for this money? Looking at this question as well as the value systems of each individual is part of the pre-marriage coaching program I take new couples through, to prepare them for the eventual choice they will have to make between their spouse and their friends.
Now, what if the situation wasn’t so serious or so dire? What if the issue is simply a matter of your spouse and friends not getting along? What if the issue might be that your friend never fully accepted your spouse into your life and takes passive aggressive measures to influence a rift between you both as a couple? What if your spouse is simply suspicious of your friend, even though your friend has not overtly done anything inappropriate to your knowledge? What if it is simply a matter that your spouse and your friend are not willing to tolerate each other? Where would you draw the line then?
What comes up in a pre-marriage coaching session often surprises the individuals of the couple as they express to each other their thoughts, feelings, and expectations on this subject.
What I will say to conclude this article is that if and when you choose someone to commit to as a spouse, that commitment comes with certain obligations and expectations. Be clear as to what you are expecting, and communicate that with your partner, as well as, make sure your partner communicates the same with you.
If you plan to dedicate your life and everything you own and every resource you will ever earn to another human being, it is important to know what conditions come along with that commitment, what strings attached may be in place (if any) and where each of you draws the lines between your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse.
I promise you, that if you do not talk about it before you get committed, you will surely talk about it, after you commit and a situation forces the conversation. The choice is going to be calling on you to make it. Do what you can now to be ready.
A broken engagement is far better than a happy divorce.
Frank Kermit
If you have a question about if you should listen to your lover or if you should listen to your friends, and you need an outside opinion,
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Your Partner vs. Your Friends
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Strings Attached and Dating
Strings Attached Dating
By Frank Kermit
It is important to be grateful for everything you have, and everything that others do for you.
Having gratitude reminds each of us to be thankful for elements in our life that we may likely take for granted.
During troubling times in our life, gratitude is a reminder of how things could be worse, and helps people keep a sense of perspective, which helps many individuals from being overwhelmed by life challenges.
Gratitude, and the act of being grateful is a good thing.
However, like any good thing, it is a matter of context, and even gratitude can be turned into something negative in our love lives if we are not careful.
In my practice, I sometimes see good people being manipulated because their own gratitude has been used against them.
A typical example is that the person is dating someone, and the partner does something for the person.
Person expresses gratitude, and then the partner reveals that the giving-act has a price (an expectation) that was not previously disclosed.
What can end up happening is that the person who was grateful, may now feel pressured into giving into to the expectations (now demands) of the partner, partly out of guilt, and partly out of wanting to show appreciation for the giving act he or she is grateful for.
When it comes to dating, we all bring expectations to the table.
There is nothing wrong with having a price attached to what you want to give in a relationship. In fact, having a price for what you offer translates to having boundaries for yourself, to protect yourself, your needs and is necessary for you to communicate to others how you want to be treated.
That is not the issue.
The issue is when people do not communicate their expectations (their price) for a giving-act BEFORE taking action.
There can be no assuming that someone sees an exchange in dating, or attaches the same values that you do, to any particular action.
If the two of you have not discussed the expectations going forward, never assume anything has any deeper meaning to your partner, as it might for you.
If you have expectations of your partner based on certain actions, express them before you do the actions.
Otherwise, you may end up using the gratitude your partner feels towards you as a weapon of manipulation. It may not even be your intent to do so, but that is what you are doing, and it is wrong.
Do you expect your partner to commitment to you if you have sex? Do you expect your partner to give up other dating options if you introduce your partner to your family? Do you expect your partner to continue to see other people, as you intend, until there is a formal engagement or marriage proposal? Do you expect your partner to tolerate any of your inappropriate attitudes and behaviors, because of the way you take care of him or her? Do you expect that your partner will make your needs a priority if you shower your partner with gifts?
Trying to guilt anyone into agreeing to give you something in exchange for your thoughtfulness is not ethical, because it is robbing that person of a proper choice in the matter.
If you have any strings attached to what you do in dating, be clear and let that person know what your strings are to ensure that neither of you end up unintentionally trying to manipulate one another.
Frank Kermit
