- Published on
Sex Between Friends Is Anything But Casual
The Rules Of Friends-With-Benefits
By Frank Kermit
Sex between friends! There are some different names this particular relationship structure goes by. Sex-friends, Sex-buddies, C.S.B.F. (casual sex between friends) are among the less vulgar terms. Virgins, or those people with just a little sexual experience, call them "practice partners". The one that seems to be the most popular is F.W.B (friends with benefits). It really does seem like a good idea at the time. Neither of you are in serious relationships. You are both friends. You like each other...enough. You feel comfortable and trust each other. You are lonely, horny, curious or just bored. However, like any relationship structure, there are guidelines to follow and not managing your FWB well, will not only cost you the "benefits" but could also cost you both the entire friendship.
A proper FWB relationship means you only see each other once a week. Twice a week on occasion if you plan a special getaway. One of the biggest mistakes that partners make in FWB is that they try to see each other as often as they can in a short time period. All this will do is confuse the issue. Seeing each other more than once a week is acting like more serious relationship than it is, and can nurture romantic feelings to develop. If you act like you are more than just a FWB, you can expect one or both partners to start feeling, wanting or expecting more from each other, even if you had "the talk". (The Talk is when you talk and both agree that this is just friends having sex, that it will not change anything in your friendship, and you both understand that this is not going to turn into a relationship.
FYI: The talk does not work if you act like you are publically dating regardless of what you agreed to in private before sex.) When you do see your FWB, make sure that it is never on Friday or Saturday nights, as those nights are best left reserved for family and social outings, where you are likely to meet someone that you can have more committed love relationship than that with a FWB.
It is key to remember that FWB is a time-limited affair. You are only together for as long as it takes for just one of you to meet, date and get serious enough with another person such that being FWB would become an act of infidelity to the new partner. Once your FWB finds someone new, or you do, you stop being FWB. If you have managed it well, you will hopefully still be friends. If you cannot wish your FWB to be able to find love and happiness with a potential soul mate that is not you...then be ethical. Do not become FWB.
FWB is a discreet engagement. No one should ever know you even have a FWB. No one should ever be able to find out just by seeing the two of you together that you are being intimate when alone. When you and your FWB are in the same social circle and happen to be at the same party or social event, you behave like friends who are NOT sleeping together.
FWB works behind closed doors when no one is looking. You do not hold hands, kiss or show romantic affection for each other in the presence of your other friends. If your FWB is talking with someone that could be a potential future date for him or her, you cannot express any jealousy. You are not in a public romantic relationship. You are having a private intimate exchange with someone that is a friend. Too the rest of the world, you must present yourselves as nothing but friends. You do not "date" your FWB. You do not attend events "with" your FWB. You can meet up afterwards in secret, but again, keep your mouth shut, as no one should know your private business. In fact, you never even tell your FWB about your other FWB, nor should you ask whom else your FWB has as a FWB. For this reason, use protection and practice safe sex. There are many secrets you can share with friends, but who else is your FWB, and or whether or not you even have one, is not one of them.
Virgins can find lots of benefits as FWB. The opportunity to practice kissing, touching, being sexual, without the pressure of trying to get a partner to keep liking you, adding to that the comfort of being vulnerable with someone that is already deemed a friend has prompted many virgins to lose their virginities through FWB. At least that is the theory.
Some people who lost their virginities as FWB feel it gave them the confidence they needed to take a chance on the future relationships they went into, while others regret not waiting as they wished they would have experienced their first times within relationships that were more meaningfully committed. Be sure you know what you value. There are things you simply cannot take back.
Be mindful that FWB can be educational and very fun. However there are always negatives with this lifestyle. First, great fun can be easily confused with great escapism. Some people thrive as FWB because they have deep-rooted intimacy issues and it is a means to continue that dysfunctional repeating behavior pattern. When fun becomes escapism, the sex stops being satisfying and resorts to just another temporary distraction to combat the entrenched empty feelings associated with intimacy barriers. Ironically, some people only do FWB because they want to see as many people as they can so that they never end up alone.
The reality of FWB is that these time-limited love fits, tend to end quickly and the FWB practitioners tend to end up alone at the worst possible times. For example, no one would want to spend Valentine's Day with a FWB when they could have the potential (not even a guarantee, but just a potential) of meeting someone new for a deeper connection which is why many FWB tend to end abruptly just before or on V-day.
FWB is not a romantic relationship per se, and if that is all you have ever experienced, you will not have developed the social skills necessary to carry you through the rough patches that even the best-committed relationships go through. You can drop a FWB at any time, and it is actually easier to do so than it is to work out your differences. If you have formed that habit of flight instead of fighting to keep your relationship healthy, then trying to manage a more serious relationship later on will be challenging for you if all you have ever known are FWB.
Some people become too reliant on FWB, that they stop being social. It is just easier to continue being with the same FWB and not going out to meet new people. This is a horrible place to be in, because when the FWB ends (and it will), those partners that stopped meeting new people, and growing socially, end up worse off than if they never tried the FWB dynamic.
Even if managed well, as mentioned in this article, it is still very possible to end up developing romantic feelings for the person you are semi-regularly sleeping with. Your heart may not get "broken"...but your heart certainly will get dinged. It takes a level of emotional maturity management that not everyone has the capacity for. FWB is not for everyone.
Eventually, chances are very high that one or both of you will end up in a serious relationship down the road. The chances are also very high that your future spouse or partner will not want you to continue a friendship with someone that you were secretly intimate with. When getting very serious with someone, it may be the time to tell all about who your FWB were, especially if those FWB are still in your current social circle.
This may not apply to all couples, however some people change their open accepting attitudes when not only their hearts are involved, but factor in joint property investments, kids and a lifestyle, such that the idea of spending free time with people that already have established successfully being intimate with their life partner in secret in the past, will cause more trust issues for the future. It will be easier to manage the concerns of the new life partner, than keeping the friendship with an ex FWB is ever worth. Your time as FWB will end at some at some point. If you want to continue to have your FWB, as a friend when it is over, be sure to manage the relationship so that you do not lose, not only your FWB, but also the entire social networks you both were part in. And even then, your friendship will always have an asterisks next to it, so don't expect that friendship to last forever either. Just like any other endeavor that comes with lots of immediate "benefits", in the end, you end up having to pay the price over time for them. Sometimes the long term cost effects weren't worth the initial benefits you were provided.
Shop carefully!
Frank Kermit
The Rules Of Friends-With-Benefits
By Frank Kermit
Sex between friends! There are some different names this particular relationship structure goes by. Sex-friends, Sex-buddies, C.S.B.F. (casual sex between friends) are among the less vulgar terms. Virgins, or those people with just a little sexual experience, call them "practice partners". The one that seems to be the most popular is F.W.B (friends with benefits). It really does seem like a good idea at the time. Neither of you are in serious relationships. You are both friends. You like each other...enough. You feel comfortable and trust each other. You are lonely, horny, curious or just bored. However, like any relationship structure, there are guidelines to follow and not managing your FWB well, will not only cost you the "benefits" but could also cost you both the entire friendship.
A proper FWB relationship means you only see each other once a week. Twice a week on occasion if you plan a special getaway. One of the biggest mistakes that partners make in FWB is that they try to see each other as often as they can in a short time period. All this will do is confuse the issue. Seeing each other more than once a week is acting like more serious relationship than it is, and can nurture romantic feelings to develop. If you act like you are more than just a FWB, you can expect one or both partners to start feeling, wanting or expecting more from each other, even if you had "the talk". (The Talk is when you talk and both agree that this is just friends having sex, that it will not change anything in your friendship, and you both understand that this is not going to turn into a relationship.
FYI: The talk does not work if you act like you are publically dating regardless of what you agreed to in private before sex.) When you do see your FWB, make sure that it is never on Friday or Saturday nights, as those nights are best left reserved for family and social outings, where you are likely to meet someone that you can have more committed love relationship than that with a FWB.
It is key to remember that FWB is a time-limited affair. You are only together for as long as it takes for just one of you to meet, date and get serious enough with another person such that being FWB would become an act of infidelity to the new partner. Once your FWB finds someone new, or you do, you stop being FWB. If you have managed it well, you will hopefully still be friends. If you cannot wish your FWB to be able to find love and happiness with a potential soul mate that is not you...then be ethical. Do not become FWB.
FWB is a discreet engagement. No one should ever know you even have a FWB. No one should ever be able to find out just by seeing the two of you together that you are being intimate when alone. When you and your FWB are in the same social circle and happen to be at the same party or social event, you behave like friends who are NOT sleeping together.
FWB works behind closed doors when no one is looking. You do not hold hands, kiss or show romantic affection for each other in the presence of your other friends. If your FWB is talking with someone that could be a potential future date for him or her, you cannot express any jealousy. You are not in a public romantic relationship. You are having a private intimate exchange with someone that is a friend. Too the rest of the world, you must present yourselves as nothing but friends. You do not "date" your FWB. You do not attend events "with" your FWB. You can meet up afterwards in secret, but again, keep your mouth shut, as no one should know your private business. In fact, you never even tell your FWB about your other FWB, nor should you ask whom else your FWB has as a FWB. For this reason, use protection and practice safe sex. There are many secrets you can share with friends, but who else is your FWB, and or whether or not you even have one, is not one of them.
Virgins can find lots of benefits as FWB. The opportunity to practice kissing, touching, being sexual, without the pressure of trying to get a partner to keep liking you, adding to that the comfort of being vulnerable with someone that is already deemed a friend has prompted many virgins to lose their virginities through FWB. At least that is the theory.
Some people who lost their virginities as FWB feel it gave them the confidence they needed to take a chance on the future relationships they went into, while others regret not waiting as they wished they would have experienced their first times within relationships that were more meaningfully committed. Be sure you know what you value. There are things you simply cannot take back.
Be mindful that FWB can be educational and very fun. However there are always negatives with this lifestyle. First, great fun can be easily confused with great escapism. Some people thrive as FWB because they have deep-rooted intimacy issues and it is a means to continue that dysfunctional repeating behavior pattern. When fun becomes escapism, the sex stops being satisfying and resorts to just another temporary distraction to combat the entrenched empty feelings associated with intimacy barriers. Ironically, some people only do FWB because they want to see as many people as they can so that they never end up alone.
The reality of FWB is that these time-limited love fits, tend to end quickly and the FWB practitioners tend to end up alone at the worst possible times. For example, no one would want to spend Valentine's Day with a FWB when they could have the potential (not even a guarantee, but just a potential) of meeting someone new for a deeper connection which is why many FWB tend to end abruptly just before or on V-day.
FWB is not a romantic relationship per se, and if that is all you have ever experienced, you will not have developed the social skills necessary to carry you through the rough patches that even the best-committed relationships go through. You can drop a FWB at any time, and it is actually easier to do so than it is to work out your differences. If you have formed that habit of flight instead of fighting to keep your relationship healthy, then trying to manage a more serious relationship later on will be challenging for you if all you have ever known are FWB.
Some people become too reliant on FWB, that they stop being social. It is just easier to continue being with the same FWB and not going out to meet new people. This is a horrible place to be in, because when the FWB ends (and it will), those partners that stopped meeting new people, and growing socially, end up worse off than if they never tried the FWB dynamic.
Even if managed well, as mentioned in this article, it is still very possible to end up developing romantic feelings for the person you are semi-regularly sleeping with. Your heart may not get "broken"...but your heart certainly will get dinged. It takes a level of emotional maturity management that not everyone has the capacity for. FWB is not for everyone.
Eventually, chances are very high that one or both of you will end up in a serious relationship down the road. The chances are also very high that your future spouse or partner will not want you to continue a friendship with someone that you were secretly intimate with. When getting very serious with someone, it may be the time to tell all about who your FWB were, especially if those FWB are still in your current social circle.
This may not apply to all couples, however some people change their open accepting attitudes when not only their hearts are involved, but factor in joint property investments, kids and a lifestyle, such that the idea of spending free time with people that already have established successfully being intimate with their life partner in secret in the past, will cause more trust issues for the future. It will be easier to manage the concerns of the new life partner, than keeping the friendship with an ex FWB is ever worth. Your time as FWB will end at some at some point. If you want to continue to have your FWB, as a friend when it is over, be sure to manage the relationship so that you do not lose, not only your FWB, but also the entire social networks you both were part in. And even then, your friendship will always have an asterisks next to it, so don't expect that friendship to last forever either. Just like any other endeavor that comes with lots of immediate "benefits", in the end, you end up having to pay the price over time for them. Sometimes the long term cost effects weren't worth the initial benefits you were provided.
Shop carefully!
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Common Sense for Common Scents
By Frank Kermit
As the holiday season approaches, invitations begin to swarm in for get-togethers from family, friends and even office parties. It is a time of people coming together, and in some cases, the only time you may connect with certain people for the duration of a year (assuming there are no weddings or funerals in between).
It is a time of reflection, remembering people that are no longer with us, cherishing those that still are, and a time of closeness. Except for one tiny potential problem. Some of those people that wish to get close to you simply may not realize just how bad they stink.
Whether it is bad body odor, bad breath, over indulgence of perfume and cologne, or clothes that have a lifestyle smell embedded into the weaves of their garments; your odor is something to be very mindful of when going to gatherings, especially if you have intentions of getting close to people, or you will be seated next to others.
One of the key factors about being mindful of your nose-full, is that you won't smell yourself in time. Our scents are with us all the time, and we grow accustom to our emanations. Since we are used to our own smell, we tend to take for granted and forget that others will be affected by what we no longer pay close attention too. By the time you get a whiff of yourself, it is usually too late, as you are one of the last people who nose just how bad you were. (Get it? Get it? "knows" and "nose"? Get it?). If your odor was as bad as my last joke, it is time to take account of your smell stocks.
Sometimes I get clients coming to me asking me why they struggle so much to find a love connection. A handful of them claim that no matter how much they learn to seductively speak to someone, they are unable to find a partner that does not turn their nose up at them. "It is like everyone is just so snooty with me", says one client to me who tries to explain how he is greeted with snob-like behavior when approaching new people.
After sniffing about the evidence of the case, I detected that the client, a chain smoker, might have been giving the targets of his affection a snout-ful of what kissing him might be like. For that particular client, it was not just his breath, but also his clothes sent off smoke signals like radio waves as his lifestyle had wormed its way into the fibers of his being.
It was one of the saddest moments I had ever witnessed when I explained to him that it might be his odor. He was so used to it, that he was not even aware of the smell.
He learned a hard lesson: lack of proper aromas equals lack of a proficient Romeo.
Anyone that has years of experience riding public transit will tend to confirm the unpleasant memories of being squished like sardines next to people that reek.
You never forget your first whiff. Those that suffer from migraines and are scent-sensitive will also tell you just how important managing your smell can be before you trigger an unintended effect in the people you want to associate with. Here are some common sense suggestions for common scent situations to help you stay stench free this month.
1-Bathe: If the office party starts right after work, leave work early or arrive to the party late so that you have time to go home, shower and change the clothes you have been sweating in all day.
2-Carry a mini-toothbrush, mini-toothpaste and even mini-mouthwash whenever possible, and use them before and after your outing meals. Gum and mints help too.
3-Watch what you put in your mouth. When socializing, there are certain foods to just avoid consuming because of the ill effects on your breath. When it comes to relationships, dating and socializing, your foot is not the only thing you need to try to avoid putting in your mouth. (I will save the foot fetish jokes for a future article).
4-Do NOT overdo it with perfumes and cologne which also includes aftershave, and underarm deodorants. Too much of a good thing can be just as bad, and sometimes even worse than a bad one. If you cannot find a balance, aim for neutral no-scent.
5-If someone offers you a piece of gum, or a breath mint, even after you have refused it once, TAKE THE HINT AND TAKE THE MINT. They are being polite about trying to indicate to you that your breath is not ever so fresh.
If someone does take you aside and lets you know that your odor is not pleasant, and the person does so in an honest, straightforward, private manner, which helps protect your reputation and maintain face, then THANK THE PERSON.
That person is being your best friend, even if what you are being told is embarrassing for you to hear. That person is acting bravely to tell you what everyone else is thinking but too afraid to help protect you from yourself. If you react badly to that kind of honesty, you will only succeed in pushing away the very people that would bring real value in your life.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
As the holiday season approaches, invitations begin to swarm in for get-togethers from family, friends and even office parties. It is a time of people coming together, and in some cases, the only time you may connect with certain people for the duration of a year (assuming there are no weddings or funerals in between).
It is a time of reflection, remembering people that are no longer with us, cherishing those that still are, and a time of closeness. Except for one tiny potential problem. Some of those people that wish to get close to you simply may not realize just how bad they stink.
Whether it is bad body odor, bad breath, over indulgence of perfume and cologne, or clothes that have a lifestyle smell embedded into the weaves of their garments; your odor is something to be very mindful of when going to gatherings, especially if you have intentions of getting close to people, or you will be seated next to others.
One of the key factors about being mindful of your nose-full, is that you won't smell yourself in time. Our scents are with us all the time, and we grow accustom to our emanations. Since we are used to our own smell, we tend to take for granted and forget that others will be affected by what we no longer pay close attention too. By the time you get a whiff of yourself, it is usually too late, as you are one of the last people who nose just how bad you were. (Get it? Get it? "knows" and "nose"? Get it?). If your odor was as bad as my last joke, it is time to take account of your smell stocks.
Sometimes I get clients coming to me asking me why they struggle so much to find a love connection. A handful of them claim that no matter how much they learn to seductively speak to someone, they are unable to find a partner that does not turn their nose up at them. "It is like everyone is just so snooty with me", says one client to me who tries to explain how he is greeted with snob-like behavior when approaching new people.
After sniffing about the evidence of the case, I detected that the client, a chain smoker, might have been giving the targets of his affection a snout-ful of what kissing him might be like. For that particular client, it was not just his breath, but also his clothes sent off smoke signals like radio waves as his lifestyle had wormed its way into the fibers of his being.
It was one of the saddest moments I had ever witnessed when I explained to him that it might be his odor. He was so used to it, that he was not even aware of the smell.
He learned a hard lesson: lack of proper aromas equals lack of a proficient Romeo.
Anyone that has years of experience riding public transit will tend to confirm the unpleasant memories of being squished like sardines next to people that reek.
You never forget your first whiff. Those that suffer from migraines and are scent-sensitive will also tell you just how important managing your smell can be before you trigger an unintended effect in the people you want to associate with. Here are some common sense suggestions for common scent situations to help you stay stench free this month.
1-Bathe: If the office party starts right after work, leave work early or arrive to the party late so that you have time to go home, shower and change the clothes you have been sweating in all day.
2-Carry a mini-toothbrush, mini-toothpaste and even mini-mouthwash whenever possible, and use them before and after your outing meals. Gum and mints help too.
3-Watch what you put in your mouth. When socializing, there are certain foods to just avoid consuming because of the ill effects on your breath. When it comes to relationships, dating and socializing, your foot is not the only thing you need to try to avoid putting in your mouth. (I will save the foot fetish jokes for a future article).
4-Do NOT overdo it with perfumes and cologne which also includes aftershave, and underarm deodorants. Too much of a good thing can be just as bad, and sometimes even worse than a bad one. If you cannot find a balance, aim for neutral no-scent.
5-If someone offers you a piece of gum, or a breath mint, even after you have refused it once, TAKE THE HINT AND TAKE THE MINT. They are being polite about trying to indicate to you that your breath is not ever so fresh.
If someone does take you aside and lets you know that your odor is not pleasant, and the person does so in an honest, straightforward, private manner, which helps protect your reputation and maintain face, then THANK THE PERSON.
That person is being your best friend, even if what you are being told is embarrassing for you to hear. That person is acting bravely to tell you what everyone else is thinking but too afraid to help protect you from yourself. If you react badly to that kind of honesty, you will only succeed in pushing away the very people that would bring real value in your life.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
The Art of Storytelling on a Date
By Frank Kermit
One of the challenges that people face when they go on dates is that they may not factor in that others will not understand what they are trying to communicate because of the way they express the stories of their life. Most people assume that the world will understand the moral and meaning of their story with the exact same intent as the storyteller. This simply is not so.
Audiences (including the person you want to be intimate with) will tend to interpret your story, not the way you interpret your own story, but the way the listener can best understand it, using the listeners own context and situated knowledge. Situated knowledge refers to a person's knowledge based on their life experience, education and intelligence and acknowledges just how limited it can be. A person who grows up in a situation where they never feel safe as a child, will have a situated knowledge as an adult to first view all experiences and interpret all stories with whether or not their safety is threatened. It is at the heart of misunderstanding each other.
For example, a man on a date wishes to communicate to a woman that he is confident because he believes that women are attracted to confident men. Most people understand this concept. If the man tells a story about a time in his life when he was confident, his story could potentially include disparaging remarks about other people he surpassed in the event that he found confidence in himself. In his philosophy, he may define being confident as not being afraid to speak his mind about others in a negative fashion. He tells his story with the intent to communicate that he is a confident man.
Now, if a woman interprets his storytelling communication in the same way he intends it, then she will likely also view him as a confident man. The core of this connection is the fact they already have similar primary values. However, it is just as possible that a woman may interpret that exact same man as completely lacking in confidence, because she interprets his disparaging remarks of others as a sign of insecurity on his part. In her philosophy, a man that must actively disparage others gets interpreted as a low value male who has no real character of his own. Instead of interpreting his storytelling with the same intent as he expresses it, she interprets his storytelling through her own situated knowledge and in this way, identifies a red flag which signals that she does not want to date him again.
The best stories to tell are true ones. Choose real life examples that include your best childhood memories, your peak life experiences, and express not only the things you love, but what are the emotional experiences behind those things you love. The person who loves sports and the person who loves cooking can still form a deep rapport and have a connection. Despite the surface subjects of sports and cooking not seemingly having much in common, it is how each person expresses how those things make them feel where a similarity can be found. The high excitement of watching the winning point being made in the big game can be very akin to the high excitement of an intensely well prepared meal being enjoyed at a holiday family gathering.
The kind of bond that effective storytelling can elicit on a date can make or break a relational happy ending. It can be the difference between finding someone "nice but uninteresting", and finding someone you spend your waking hours totally in anticipation of seeing them again, and again, and yet again.
If you find yourself on a number of first dates, but not a lot of second dates and cannot figure out what it is that you are doing wrong, you may want to develop some effective storytelling social skills so that every story you tell on a first date addresses the emotional needs of the person you are dating.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
One of the challenges that people face when they go on dates is that they may not factor in that others will not understand what they are trying to communicate because of the way they express the stories of their life. Most people assume that the world will understand the moral and meaning of their story with the exact same intent as the storyteller. This simply is not so.
Audiences (including the person you want to be intimate with) will tend to interpret your story, not the way you interpret your own story, but the way the listener can best understand it, using the listeners own context and situated knowledge. Situated knowledge refers to a person's knowledge based on their life experience, education and intelligence and acknowledges just how limited it can be. A person who grows up in a situation where they never feel safe as a child, will have a situated knowledge as an adult to first view all experiences and interpret all stories with whether or not their safety is threatened. It is at the heart of misunderstanding each other.
For example, a man on a date wishes to communicate to a woman that he is confident because he believes that women are attracted to confident men. Most people understand this concept. If the man tells a story about a time in his life when he was confident, his story could potentially include disparaging remarks about other people he surpassed in the event that he found confidence in himself. In his philosophy, he may define being confident as not being afraid to speak his mind about others in a negative fashion. He tells his story with the intent to communicate that he is a confident man.
Now, if a woman interprets his storytelling communication in the same way he intends it, then she will likely also view him as a confident man. The core of this connection is the fact they already have similar primary values. However, it is just as possible that a woman may interpret that exact same man as completely lacking in confidence, because she interprets his disparaging remarks of others as a sign of insecurity on his part. In her philosophy, a man that must actively disparage others gets interpreted as a low value male who has no real character of his own. Instead of interpreting his storytelling with the same intent as he expresses it, she interprets his storytelling through her own situated knowledge and in this way, identifies a red flag which signals that she does not want to date him again.
The best stories to tell are true ones. Choose real life examples that include your best childhood memories, your peak life experiences, and express not only the things you love, but what are the emotional experiences behind those things you love. The person who loves sports and the person who loves cooking can still form a deep rapport and have a connection. Despite the surface subjects of sports and cooking not seemingly having much in common, it is how each person expresses how those things make them feel where a similarity can be found. The high excitement of watching the winning point being made in the big game can be very akin to the high excitement of an intensely well prepared meal being enjoyed at a holiday family gathering.
The kind of bond that effective storytelling can elicit on a date can make or break a relational happy ending. It can be the difference between finding someone "nice but uninteresting", and finding someone you spend your waking hours totally in anticipation of seeing them again, and again, and yet again.
If you find yourself on a number of first dates, but not a lot of second dates and cannot figure out what it is that you are doing wrong, you may want to develop some effective storytelling social skills so that every story you tell on a first date addresses the emotional needs of the person you are dating.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
First Date Conversations:
Tips for the Tongue-tied
By Frank Kermit
First dates. Yikes! The pressure! The Horror! What the heck are we going to talk about!?! As exciting as first dates can be for some people, it can cause inner crisis for others. Some of us chatty types have no problem finding new ways to learn about someone we are interested in, while others get tongue-tied and come across as creepy interrogators.
So let's look at some guidelines for conversations for a first date.
There are certain things that you do not talk about on a first date.
No talking about your ex's in any negative way is the first guideline. The more you trash your ex, the more you actually comment about your own lack of judgment of character. After all, you did chose to date your ex. You do not control who you like, but you do control who you date. (Taking responsibility stinks doesn't it?) When the topic of ex's comes up, talk about what you learned about yourself while dating your ex. It is a lot more calibrated and shows your charisma. If your ex cheated on you, maybe you learned that you could be too trusting, or that your expectations were unreasonable, or maybe you have learned to take your time getting to know people better. See how much more enticing this sounds than calling your ex a bunch of two-timing names?
No talking about sexual histories. There is nothing wrong with sharing sexual histories later in the relationships. In fact, the more serious you get, the more you need to share. As far as first dates go you are still trying to figure out things about the other person such as: is the other person capable of handling how many partners you have been with?
Furthermore, are you sure you can trust this new potential partner with any of your personal information that you would not have shared in your social circle, or posted about on social media? First dates are not the time for deepest and darkest secrets. Sharing too much information when you have not fully tested the person you are sharing it with, can come across at best as needy behavior and at worst as a red flag behavior. The only time you need to share those most intimate secrets, is when you know that the person you are with might chose not to be with you if your secret is found out. For example: let's say you have a STI (sexually transmitted infection) and you reach a point where you and your partner are about to have sex on the first date. If you have any sort of STI that you know of, it is at the very least, the moral thing to let the other person know so they have a choice in the matter if they want to put themselves at risk.
Depending on what you have, and the laws that govern that territory, it may even be the law to share that information. If you knowingly infect someone with a disease that could potentially kill them (directly or through complications), you could very well be charged with murder. If you are asked, tell the truth. If you have reasons not to tell the truth, then do not have sex.
In terms of topics on a first date, some good advice is to never continue the same topic throughout the entire date. No matter how interesting you think your job is; if that is all you talk about on your date then you are B-O-R-I-N-G (and likely getting used to being alone).
A great first date will have a least 3 locations. The place where you meet up, the place you switch venue too, and the last place is the place where you would be able to have sex (if it goes there). A good guideline is that if you talk about a certain topic (i.e. favorite places you have traveled) that you limit that conversation to the location that it came up in.
You do not talk about the places you traveled the entire date. When you move location, you change the conversation topic no matter how interesting that topic was at the previous location.
Conversations on a first date are never about entertaining the other person. They are about scoping out what kind of person you are dealing with, and what kind of relationship you can have with that person. Is the person you are dating one-night-stand material? Marriage potential? Could the person you are seeing tonight be the absolute perfect soul mate for your best friend who is sitting at home alone tonight? Conversations on a first date must include sharing stories that relate value, boundaries, expectations and your emotional needs.
Here are some fun conversations games you can try using: The Love-Hate game. With this game one person picks a category and the other person has to name one thing within the category they love, and one thing in the category they hate. Then they switch roles.
For example, one person says "seasons" and the other person responds with "I love autumn, I hate winter." Then they switch and the second person says "sport", and the first person says, "I love tennis, I hate football"...and so on. In a short amount of time, you can find out a lot about a person, and it can lead to a number of conversation spin offs. It can also give you topics to stay away from.
Another game is the Five Million Dollar Question. With this conversation game you are checking to see what values and life plans a potential partner may already have in place, or if they never really think about their future.
You ask the person what they would do with their first million, what they would do with their second million, what they would do with their third million...and so on. Do they mention things like a trust fund for their current children, or future children? Do they talk about shopping and traveling the world and with which million? Do they talk about helping the less fortunate or a favorite charity? Do they mention family and friends they would like to help and how? Do they list a number of items they would buy for fun (or revenge)? What is the order in which they would they spend their money? The game does not cover if the money is from winning the lottery, an inheritance, or based on some means of earning it. It is about seeing what a persons priorities are.
When conversations on a first date stop being about trying to impress or entertain your date, and becomes motivated by your curiosity to learn as much as you can about the other person, it is a lot easier to find topics to talk about.
Frank Kermit
Tips for the Tongue-tied
By Frank Kermit
First dates. Yikes! The pressure! The Horror! What the heck are we going to talk about!?! As exciting as first dates can be for some people, it can cause inner crisis for others. Some of us chatty types have no problem finding new ways to learn about someone we are interested in, while others get tongue-tied and come across as creepy interrogators.
So let's look at some guidelines for conversations for a first date.
There are certain things that you do not talk about on a first date.
No talking about your ex's in any negative way is the first guideline. The more you trash your ex, the more you actually comment about your own lack of judgment of character. After all, you did chose to date your ex. You do not control who you like, but you do control who you date. (Taking responsibility stinks doesn't it?) When the topic of ex's comes up, talk about what you learned about yourself while dating your ex. It is a lot more calibrated and shows your charisma. If your ex cheated on you, maybe you learned that you could be too trusting, or that your expectations were unreasonable, or maybe you have learned to take your time getting to know people better. See how much more enticing this sounds than calling your ex a bunch of two-timing names?
No talking about sexual histories. There is nothing wrong with sharing sexual histories later in the relationships. In fact, the more serious you get, the more you need to share. As far as first dates go you are still trying to figure out things about the other person such as: is the other person capable of handling how many partners you have been with?
Furthermore, are you sure you can trust this new potential partner with any of your personal information that you would not have shared in your social circle, or posted about on social media? First dates are not the time for deepest and darkest secrets. Sharing too much information when you have not fully tested the person you are sharing it with, can come across at best as needy behavior and at worst as a red flag behavior. The only time you need to share those most intimate secrets, is when you know that the person you are with might chose not to be with you if your secret is found out. For example: let's say you have a STI (sexually transmitted infection) and you reach a point where you and your partner are about to have sex on the first date. If you have any sort of STI that you know of, it is at the very least, the moral thing to let the other person know so they have a choice in the matter if they want to put themselves at risk.
Depending on what you have, and the laws that govern that territory, it may even be the law to share that information. If you knowingly infect someone with a disease that could potentially kill them (directly or through complications), you could very well be charged with murder. If you are asked, tell the truth. If you have reasons not to tell the truth, then do not have sex.
In terms of topics on a first date, some good advice is to never continue the same topic throughout the entire date. No matter how interesting you think your job is; if that is all you talk about on your date then you are B-O-R-I-N-G (and likely getting used to being alone).
A great first date will have a least 3 locations. The place where you meet up, the place you switch venue too, and the last place is the place where you would be able to have sex (if it goes there). A good guideline is that if you talk about a certain topic (i.e. favorite places you have traveled) that you limit that conversation to the location that it came up in.
You do not talk about the places you traveled the entire date. When you move location, you change the conversation topic no matter how interesting that topic was at the previous location.
Conversations on a first date are never about entertaining the other person. They are about scoping out what kind of person you are dealing with, and what kind of relationship you can have with that person. Is the person you are dating one-night-stand material? Marriage potential? Could the person you are seeing tonight be the absolute perfect soul mate for your best friend who is sitting at home alone tonight? Conversations on a first date must include sharing stories that relate value, boundaries, expectations and your emotional needs.
Here are some fun conversations games you can try using: The Love-Hate game. With this game one person picks a category and the other person has to name one thing within the category they love, and one thing in the category they hate. Then they switch roles.
For example, one person says "seasons" and the other person responds with "I love autumn, I hate winter." Then they switch and the second person says "sport", and the first person says, "I love tennis, I hate football"...and so on. In a short amount of time, you can find out a lot about a person, and it can lead to a number of conversation spin offs. It can also give you topics to stay away from.
Another game is the Five Million Dollar Question. With this conversation game you are checking to see what values and life plans a potential partner may already have in place, or if they never really think about their future.
You ask the person what they would do with their first million, what they would do with their second million, what they would do with their third million...and so on. Do they mention things like a trust fund for their current children, or future children? Do they talk about shopping and traveling the world and with which million? Do they talk about helping the less fortunate or a favorite charity? Do they mention family and friends they would like to help and how? Do they list a number of items they would buy for fun (or revenge)? What is the order in which they would they spend their money? The game does not cover if the money is from winning the lottery, an inheritance, or based on some means of earning it. It is about seeing what a persons priorities are.
When conversations on a first date stop being about trying to impress or entertain your date, and becomes motivated by your curiosity to learn as much as you can about the other person, it is a lot easier to find topics to talk about.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
The Frank Law of Attraction
The Frank Law of Attraction
Originally published July 18, 2016, updated April 20, 2018
By Frank Kermit
The Frank Law of Attraction is based on one single premise:
What you do to get the person
must be the same thing as what
you do to keep the person.
Most attraction tactics focus on getting someone to like you, however they do not focus on keeping that person around.
That is the paradox of most pick up strategies as those routines focus on getting someone immediately turned on; but has no substance to keep any serious long term relationship alive.
Here are some of the talks that come up with men and women in my coaching sessions when perpetually single people come in and want to figure out why they cannot find someone that wants to commit to him or her long term, despite the fact they have less trouble finding short term volunteers.
If you do not want her to leave when the money runs out, then do not use money as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when your breasts start to sag, then do not use your breasts as your primary means of attracting him.
If you do not want her to leave when the adventure of traveling must be replaced by settling down to manage your responsibilities, then do not use adventures of traveling as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when the sex ends, then do not use sex as your primary means of attracting him.
If you do not want her to leave when your buff body suffers life altering health problems, then do not use your buff body as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when the lies get found out, then do not use lies as your primary means of attracting him.
If you do not want her to leave when she discovers you have no intention of being monogamous, then do not use the promise of monogamy as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when youthful beauty fades, then do not use your youthful beauty as your primary means of attracting him.
If you do not want her to leave when you can no longer afford lavish gifts, then do not use lavish gifts as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when you stop supporting his drug habit, then do not use enabling his habit as your primary means of attracting him.
If you do not want her to leave when you demand that she stop flirting with every man she knows, then do not use admiration of her flirtatious nature as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when you admit that you do not want to have kids, then do not use the promise of a family as your primary means of attracting him.
Whatever you plan to use to keep the person with you long term, needs to be the very elements that you must use to attract the person.
These include your common values, your similar life plans and goals, and your personality and ability to connect.
Frank Kermit
emotional needs of a girl
Don't you hate how what you do to attract someone tends to be different than the skills to keep them?
NOT WITH THIS SYSTEM!
In Frank's Emotional Needs, what you do to attract someone is THE SAME THING you do to KEEP THEM!
Imagine, how easy it is to learn ONE SYSTEM that does it all!
emotional needs of a boy
- Published on
The Pregnancy Test Scam - But is it Real?
By Frank Kermit
There is a disturbing trend that seems to be happening that involves pregnant women supplementing their income by selling positive pregnancy tests online to women who want to use the pregnancy testing device with a positive marking to possibly con their boyfriends or male lovers into proposing marriage. At least that is what the ads claim could happen.
An ad on Craigslist claims that the expectant mother, "is selling used testing sticks for $25 each, saying she's been asked so many times, she had decided to start charging." In my own search I also found one on ebay with a listing description of: "Clear & simple brand positive pregnancy test. Done on day of postage. Good for a prank."
Is this what it has really come too? Unable to empower herself into a committed relationship, and despite having the full freedom of choice to move on and find a new partner when the one she is with refuses to step up and take their relationship to the next level, that there are women who would rather stay with a man that continually rejects her such that she has to attempt to scam him into getting serious?
I wonder at what point will the women, who are successful in getting a proposal with this ruse, turn around and realize they will have to keep the lie going? For example, to what lengths will she go to fake a miscarriage? Will she then try extra hard to get pregnant for real right after the proposal and fake being overdue the 40 week gestational period (assuming she gets pregnant at all)? Is this even something seriously considered by some women? If not, then what is the market that has such a high demand for these positive pregnancy tests (besides an entire audience that wants to prank their loved ones)?
Mind you, when I see the number of women in my practice who waste years of their lives, as time runs out on their biological clocks, waiting for their male lovers and boyfriends to "change his mind", I have to believe it is more likely than not. At least these women are not "accidentally" forgetting to take their birth control pills as a means to get what they want (a pregnancy their male partners did not consent too).
To the ladies that are actually buying the positive pregnancy tests as a means to trick your male sex partners into a proposal; if nothing else, consider this: When your boyfriend or male lover is not as interested in committing to you the way you would want him to commit, the best choice is to stop seeing him and find a man that wants to be with you. Trying to change the man you are with, or worse, having to scam him into that kind of commitment, will land you alone. If the truth of what you did coming out does not bring about your abandonment, then surely the repeating behavior pattern that this scam reflects will be your downfall.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
There is a disturbing trend that seems to be happening that involves pregnant women supplementing their income by selling positive pregnancy tests online to women who want to use the pregnancy testing device with a positive marking to possibly con their boyfriends or male lovers into proposing marriage. At least that is what the ads claim could happen.
An ad on Craigslist claims that the expectant mother, "is selling used testing sticks for $25 each, saying she's been asked so many times, she had decided to start charging." In my own search I also found one on ebay with a listing description of: "Clear & simple brand positive pregnancy test. Done on day of postage. Good for a prank."
Is this what it has really come too? Unable to empower herself into a committed relationship, and despite having the full freedom of choice to move on and find a new partner when the one she is with refuses to step up and take their relationship to the next level, that there are women who would rather stay with a man that continually rejects her such that she has to attempt to scam him into getting serious?
I wonder at what point will the women, who are successful in getting a proposal with this ruse, turn around and realize they will have to keep the lie going? For example, to what lengths will she go to fake a miscarriage? Will she then try extra hard to get pregnant for real right after the proposal and fake being overdue the 40 week gestational period (assuming she gets pregnant at all)? Is this even something seriously considered by some women? If not, then what is the market that has such a high demand for these positive pregnancy tests (besides an entire audience that wants to prank their loved ones)?
Mind you, when I see the number of women in my practice who waste years of their lives, as time runs out on their biological clocks, waiting for their male lovers and boyfriends to "change his mind", I have to believe it is more likely than not. At least these women are not "accidentally" forgetting to take their birth control pills as a means to get what they want (a pregnancy their male partners did not consent too).
To the ladies that are actually buying the positive pregnancy tests as a means to trick your male sex partners into a proposal; if nothing else, consider this: When your boyfriend or male lover is not as interested in committing to you the way you would want him to commit, the best choice is to stop seeing him and find a man that wants to be with you. Trying to change the man you are with, or worse, having to scam him into that kind of commitment, will land you alone. If the truth of what you did coming out does not bring about your abandonment, then surely the repeating behavior pattern that this scam reflects will be your downfall.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Tattoos and Relationships:
Beware The L-I-N-K of Love and INK
By Frank Kermit
While at a coffee shop a few weeks ago, I met a tattoo artist. He had his son's name tattooed on his hand, and being the ever-inquisitive one, I asked him about his profession and the topic of getting the name of someone tattooed on your body. He told me that historically, sailors who traveled from port to port had a history of tattooing the name of the girl they spent most of their time with. At each new port, the name of the previous girl was crossed out, and underneath it was the name of the new girl he met that became the love of his life. The sailors would only spend a limited amount of time at each port, and then head back out to sea. This was also a period of time when vagabond sailors did not have any guarantee that they would be returning to another port, and die at sea; so in essence, they had to make the most of the romance they had today, for tomorrow they may all die. With that in mind, those sailors had very little to lose to the L-I-N-K (love and ink).
People in modern times are a different story. The artist told me that he believes that tattooing the name of children on a parent is likely the more acceptable (if not the most acceptable) form of name tattooing because you will always be a parent, and a parent is suppose to always love their children. However he cautioned against tattooing the name of a partner (whether it be someone you are simply dating, or a spouse). In his business, he simply has seen too many good intentioned lovers end up regretting getting their partner's name tattooed on their bodies, and have to end up deciding if they wanted the tattoo removed, or covered up with another tattoo (such as a simple black bar or a more elaborate design). Body modification (piercing, plastic surgery, tattoos and such) does not carry with them the stigmas they used too. Younger people are more accepting of their peers who apply them, celebrities who earn their spotlight though their ability to continue to garner attention indirectly endorse it by having it done, older people who have mostly lived quiet, law-abiding lives sometimes want to experience the rebellious rejuvenation by having something done in the golden years of their lives. But regardless of all of that, getting the name of your partner tattooed, is still something that some tattoo artists simply refuse to do because of the high risk of regret that may follow such actions.
What is very strongly recommended is that a symbol be used, instead of a direct name. The symbol could be something that represents how the couple got together, or perhaps a common interest that the couple happens to share. For example, a character from the couple's favorite movie, or perhaps an image of a favorite flower if the couple had flowers play a role in their first date, or perhaps they have the same zodiac sign and that is the symbol they can use. It stands to reason that even if the couple breaks up after the tattoo is completed, that those tattoo images can still have meanings that do not just reflect the past relationship, but a still relevant element of the person that has been marked.
I have never had the experience of having a lover want to get my name tattooed on her body. In my younger years, during a very passionately intense time in my life when I lived a much more adventurous lifestyle, the closest I ever got to having a lover have my name tattooed on her body was when I would scribble my initials on my lovers skin using a felt tipped marker. Now before, anyone gets upset, everyone involved was a consenting adult, the marker ink washed off, and it was always areas of skin that were covered in clothing. Some of the women I did this with actually got a thrill, as if I had been some cave man brut who was marking his territory. In fact, one lover made it a point to go shower at the gym to "show off" to the other girls that she had been "marked by her man". There were others who agreed to it for fun, thou I caught them rolling their eyes at how giddy I had become in doing it (well, so much for my masterful masculine image huh?).
But that is exactly the point...it was not permanent, so it could be fun. I may never have a Frank fan that would L-I-N-K to me. This is probably a good thing, as I may just be a passing fad or phase to them. But Oh, so help me, I can not help but feel a little ego boost at the thought that someone would be enthused with me that much to consider doing it...maybe that is why, despite the obvious risks of tattooing a partner's name on your body, this practice is continues to be done by a handful of lovers and artists. It is not just about how the marked person feels about the named person being inscribed. It can also be about how it makes the named person feel. If you are going to tattoo the name of your lover, or want your lovers to tattoo your name on them, be sure you all know the risks. If you have any doubts regarding facing those risks at a later time, then do not do it.
Frank Kermit
Beware The L-I-N-K of Love and INK
By Frank Kermit
While at a coffee shop a few weeks ago, I met a tattoo artist. He had his son's name tattooed on his hand, and being the ever-inquisitive one, I asked him about his profession and the topic of getting the name of someone tattooed on your body. He told me that historically, sailors who traveled from port to port had a history of tattooing the name of the girl they spent most of their time with. At each new port, the name of the previous girl was crossed out, and underneath it was the name of the new girl he met that became the love of his life. The sailors would only spend a limited amount of time at each port, and then head back out to sea. This was also a period of time when vagabond sailors did not have any guarantee that they would be returning to another port, and die at sea; so in essence, they had to make the most of the romance they had today, for tomorrow they may all die. With that in mind, those sailors had very little to lose to the L-I-N-K (love and ink).
People in modern times are a different story. The artist told me that he believes that tattooing the name of children on a parent is likely the more acceptable (if not the most acceptable) form of name tattooing because you will always be a parent, and a parent is suppose to always love their children. However he cautioned against tattooing the name of a partner (whether it be someone you are simply dating, or a spouse). In his business, he simply has seen too many good intentioned lovers end up regretting getting their partner's name tattooed on their bodies, and have to end up deciding if they wanted the tattoo removed, or covered up with another tattoo (such as a simple black bar or a more elaborate design). Body modification (piercing, plastic surgery, tattoos and such) does not carry with them the stigmas they used too. Younger people are more accepting of their peers who apply them, celebrities who earn their spotlight though their ability to continue to garner attention indirectly endorse it by having it done, older people who have mostly lived quiet, law-abiding lives sometimes want to experience the rebellious rejuvenation by having something done in the golden years of their lives. But regardless of all of that, getting the name of your partner tattooed, is still something that some tattoo artists simply refuse to do because of the high risk of regret that may follow such actions.
What is very strongly recommended is that a symbol be used, instead of a direct name. The symbol could be something that represents how the couple got together, or perhaps a common interest that the couple happens to share. For example, a character from the couple's favorite movie, or perhaps an image of a favorite flower if the couple had flowers play a role in their first date, or perhaps they have the same zodiac sign and that is the symbol they can use. It stands to reason that even if the couple breaks up after the tattoo is completed, that those tattoo images can still have meanings that do not just reflect the past relationship, but a still relevant element of the person that has been marked.
I have never had the experience of having a lover want to get my name tattooed on her body. In my younger years, during a very passionately intense time in my life when I lived a much more adventurous lifestyle, the closest I ever got to having a lover have my name tattooed on her body was when I would scribble my initials on my lovers skin using a felt tipped marker. Now before, anyone gets upset, everyone involved was a consenting adult, the marker ink washed off, and it was always areas of skin that were covered in clothing. Some of the women I did this with actually got a thrill, as if I had been some cave man brut who was marking his territory. In fact, one lover made it a point to go shower at the gym to "show off" to the other girls that she had been "marked by her man". There were others who agreed to it for fun, thou I caught them rolling their eyes at how giddy I had become in doing it (well, so much for my masterful masculine image huh?).
But that is exactly the point...it was not permanent, so it could be fun. I may never have a Frank fan that would L-I-N-K to me. This is probably a good thing, as I may just be a passing fad or phase to them. But Oh, so help me, I can not help but feel a little ego boost at the thought that someone would be enthused with me that much to consider doing it...maybe that is why, despite the obvious risks of tattooing a partner's name on your body, this practice is continues to be done by a handful of lovers and artists. It is not just about how the marked person feels about the named person being inscribed. It can also be about how it makes the named person feel. If you are going to tattoo the name of your lover, or want your lovers to tattoo your name on them, be sure you all know the risks. If you have any doubts regarding facing those risks at a later time, then do not do it.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Entertainment is NOT Dating Education
By Frank Kermit
The entertainment industry is not concerned with educating audiences about relationships. The entertainment industry is only interested in one thing: entertaining you in a way that turns a profit. Although there is nothing wrong with entertainment such as movies, television, and so on and it is perfectly OK (and absolutely necessary) for businesses to turn a profit, the issue that I see in my practice, stems from the fact that human beings sometimes will mistake what has been produced for entertainment purposes only, as an example to be followed in their love lives.
Women wait to be rescued by a handsome rich stranger instead of building their own wealth and making efforts to seek out their own partners. Men assume that allowing women to mother them as just friends will eventually turn that friend into a lover. The stories that entertain us may also mislead us.
To be clear, the entertainment industry is not to blame, nor should it be censored or altered to be more educational. That is not its mandate. The issue is not the entertainment industry per se. It has to do with the fact that human beings are a species of influence-able creatures.
Environments influence human beings, including what we see, what we hear and what we experience; that environment includes what entertainment we are exposed too. If you removed every aspect of our entertainment lives, we would still be just as influenced by the people and events around us. Each time you witness one person helping another fix a flat tire, it shall influence you to likely help out the next person you see with a flat tire.
The key is not modifying our entertainment, but bringing in better education. As long as people are educated about how to think critically and rationally about anything in their environment that can and will influence them, then people can make sure to only take actions that are in their best long-term interests.
Whether people need an education to learn how to interpret TV shows, commercials, movies, theatre or have to learn to interpret their own families unhealthy repeating behavior patterns, it is important to understand that what you have always been exposed too, is not an automatic example of what is normal behavior to enact or take part in.
I wish I could say that people should look to their own families for examples of what love and relationships are instead of looking at our entertainment media.
Unfortunately, with the high divorce rates in place, it seems that the very people that needed to exemplify those patterns of love and relationships are failing miserably. A society of absolute choice when it comes to dating, but no actual skills to be able to manage that abundance of choice, is resulting in a chain of broken relations.
It always comes down to everyone having different emotional needs (whether healthy needs or not) and seeking to have those emotional needs addressed. However, a personal education in relationships is something people have to choose to take action on.
Until then at least remember that what entertains you does not equal what must educate you when it comes to finding love.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
The entertainment industry is not concerned with educating audiences about relationships. The entertainment industry is only interested in one thing: entertaining you in a way that turns a profit. Although there is nothing wrong with entertainment such as movies, television, and so on and it is perfectly OK (and absolutely necessary) for businesses to turn a profit, the issue that I see in my practice, stems from the fact that human beings sometimes will mistake what has been produced for entertainment purposes only, as an example to be followed in their love lives.
Women wait to be rescued by a handsome rich stranger instead of building their own wealth and making efforts to seek out their own partners. Men assume that allowing women to mother them as just friends will eventually turn that friend into a lover. The stories that entertain us may also mislead us.
To be clear, the entertainment industry is not to blame, nor should it be censored or altered to be more educational. That is not its mandate. The issue is not the entertainment industry per se. It has to do with the fact that human beings are a species of influence-able creatures.
Environments influence human beings, including what we see, what we hear and what we experience; that environment includes what entertainment we are exposed too. If you removed every aspect of our entertainment lives, we would still be just as influenced by the people and events around us. Each time you witness one person helping another fix a flat tire, it shall influence you to likely help out the next person you see with a flat tire.
The key is not modifying our entertainment, but bringing in better education. As long as people are educated about how to think critically and rationally about anything in their environment that can and will influence them, then people can make sure to only take actions that are in their best long-term interests.
Whether people need an education to learn how to interpret TV shows, commercials, movies, theatre or have to learn to interpret their own families unhealthy repeating behavior patterns, it is important to understand that what you have always been exposed too, is not an automatic example of what is normal behavior to enact or take part in.
I wish I could say that people should look to their own families for examples of what love and relationships are instead of looking at our entertainment media.
Unfortunately, with the high divorce rates in place, it seems that the very people that needed to exemplify those patterns of love and relationships are failing miserably. A society of absolute choice when it comes to dating, but no actual skills to be able to manage that abundance of choice, is resulting in a chain of broken relations.
It always comes down to everyone having different emotional needs (whether healthy needs or not) and seeking to have those emotional needs addressed. However, a personal education in relationships is something people have to choose to take action on.
Until then at least remember that what entertains you does not equal what must educate you when it comes to finding love.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Is there such a thing as Happily Single?
By Frank Kermit
Is being single really that bad? After all, when a person considers the amount of pain that a relationship or casual dating can cause, it may seem that just skipping the whole dating-thing altogether might make for a more peaceful life.
Could it be that intimate relations are simply not for everyone, and maybe you happen to be one of those people? How do you know if being alone is the right choice for you and is it even possible to be content, or even fulfilled in a life without romantic love? As always, that answer is completely up to you.
The people who struggle with this question the most are those people that never actually had an overly positive, intimate relationship with someone before. If that is coupled with an environment that was emotionally sterile while that person was growing up, it makes trying to find the motivation for seeking out a relationship almost obsolete.
Without having experienced what a health loving relationship can be, or not having experienced the positive attributes of being with someone that cares for you, it is challenging for someone to see the value is pursuing a goal they have no concept of.
Then the consideration comes in that some people are simply too damaged to be in a relationship. There are cases where someone may be struggling with a personal demon like an addiction, or still coping with a history of abuse. Those demons may limit their capacity for intimate relationships of any kind. In these cases, people tend to be encouraged to work on themselves before entering into romantic relationships so that the challenges inherent with romantic relationships do not distract the people from the healing process, nor allow the romantic relationships to exasperate a persons energy causing them not to have the personal resources to slay the demon.
This is most commonly understood when someone enters a drug and alcohol treatment center where patients are forbidden to have relations with each other and contact with loved ones must be limited.
I have often found that barring any major issues, that a few people are simply not ready to make the commitment to the amount of work that is necessary to change an area of their life they are not happy with.
Dismissed as laziness by some, the lack of willingness to put in the work required to change behavior patterns is nothing to scoff at. Changing anything in your life forces you out of your comfort zone. It takes work. The motivation to make such changes may very well require that someone hit an absolute rock bottom before having enough gumption to finally make that change. The same principle applies to changing the status of a persons love life.
It is unfortunate that people require that kind of rock bottom to reach a point where the pain of staying where they are is finally greater than the pain of making a change.
When I am asked if it is better to be in a relationship that is bad, or being alone, I often quote one of my inspirations. To paraphrase: Are you better off with that person, or better off without that person? There is no set answer.
It completely depends on the context of your situation. There are a number of other factors to consider in the answer to this question. Are you very miserable, or just so-so bored with your partner? Is your partner a good parent to your kids, or are your kids in danger around your partner? Are you fighting day in and day out with your partner, or have you and your partner settled into a quiet existence that you find a little bland? Is your partner someone you can rely on, or is your partner a dead beat? If you were alone, would you be able to manage not having the positive elements that you do get from the relationships you experience? Are you just a negative person and will continue to find fault with your life even if your leave your partner?
Ending a relationship is NOT always the answer when things are rough in life, because life is also going to be rough on you when you are single. There are always consequences to either lifestyle to choose, the question remains which consequences are you more adept to handle accepting?
Some people are just comfortable being alone, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you are happier being alone, then take pride in that. If you complain about being alone, then do something about it. If you complain about being in a relationship, again do something about it.
Communicate with your partner and find out what is possible to change the areas you are not happy with, to see if you can work to build the relationship together that you will find fulfillment in.
If you are trying to figure out if you want to give up on love or not, one of the ways to decide this for yourself is to sit down and work through the differences between your feelings towards single life and your desires for the kind of lifestyle you want for yourself. Start with your ideal lifestyle and work your way backwards to your current present date.
Once you have that ideal (and REALISTIC) lifestyle mapped out, see if you are the type of person that can actually attain it, and if you would be able to attract the kind of partner that you yourself would need to be.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Is being single really that bad? After all, when a person considers the amount of pain that a relationship or casual dating can cause, it may seem that just skipping the whole dating-thing altogether might make for a more peaceful life.
Could it be that intimate relations are simply not for everyone, and maybe you happen to be one of those people? How do you know if being alone is the right choice for you and is it even possible to be content, or even fulfilled in a life without romantic love? As always, that answer is completely up to you.
The people who struggle with this question the most are those people that never actually had an overly positive, intimate relationship with someone before. If that is coupled with an environment that was emotionally sterile while that person was growing up, it makes trying to find the motivation for seeking out a relationship almost obsolete.
Without having experienced what a health loving relationship can be, or not having experienced the positive attributes of being with someone that cares for you, it is challenging for someone to see the value is pursuing a goal they have no concept of.
Then the consideration comes in that some people are simply too damaged to be in a relationship. There are cases where someone may be struggling with a personal demon like an addiction, or still coping with a history of abuse. Those demons may limit their capacity for intimate relationships of any kind. In these cases, people tend to be encouraged to work on themselves before entering into romantic relationships so that the challenges inherent with romantic relationships do not distract the people from the healing process, nor allow the romantic relationships to exasperate a persons energy causing them not to have the personal resources to slay the demon.
This is most commonly understood when someone enters a drug and alcohol treatment center where patients are forbidden to have relations with each other and contact with loved ones must be limited.
I have often found that barring any major issues, that a few people are simply not ready to make the commitment to the amount of work that is necessary to change an area of their life they are not happy with.
Dismissed as laziness by some, the lack of willingness to put in the work required to change behavior patterns is nothing to scoff at. Changing anything in your life forces you out of your comfort zone. It takes work. The motivation to make such changes may very well require that someone hit an absolute rock bottom before having enough gumption to finally make that change. The same principle applies to changing the status of a persons love life.
It is unfortunate that people require that kind of rock bottom to reach a point where the pain of staying where they are is finally greater than the pain of making a change.
When I am asked if it is better to be in a relationship that is bad, or being alone, I often quote one of my inspirations. To paraphrase: Are you better off with that person, or better off without that person? There is no set answer.
It completely depends on the context of your situation. There are a number of other factors to consider in the answer to this question. Are you very miserable, or just so-so bored with your partner? Is your partner a good parent to your kids, or are your kids in danger around your partner? Are you fighting day in and day out with your partner, or have you and your partner settled into a quiet existence that you find a little bland? Is your partner someone you can rely on, or is your partner a dead beat? If you were alone, would you be able to manage not having the positive elements that you do get from the relationships you experience? Are you just a negative person and will continue to find fault with your life even if your leave your partner?
Ending a relationship is NOT always the answer when things are rough in life, because life is also going to be rough on you when you are single. There are always consequences to either lifestyle to choose, the question remains which consequences are you more adept to handle accepting?
Some people are just comfortable being alone, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you are happier being alone, then take pride in that. If you complain about being alone, then do something about it. If you complain about being in a relationship, again do something about it.
Communicate with your partner and find out what is possible to change the areas you are not happy with, to see if you can work to build the relationship together that you will find fulfillment in.
If you are trying to figure out if you want to give up on love or not, one of the ways to decide this for yourself is to sit down and work through the differences between your feelings towards single life and your desires for the kind of lifestyle you want for yourself. Start with your ideal lifestyle and work your way backwards to your current present date.
Once you have that ideal (and REALISTIC) lifestyle mapped out, see if you are the type of person that can actually attain it, and if you would be able to attract the kind of partner that you yourself would need to be.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Fear of Conflict is Rooted in a Fear of Loss
By Frank Kermit
Are you too nice when it comes to relationships? Do you walk on eggshells because you do not want to upset your partner? Are you reluctant to enforce your boundaries with someone you care about? Are you afraid of the confrontations that would result if you communicated how you felt, even if you communicated in a compassionate and effective manner? Chances are you have a fear of conflict.
There are very few things more devastating to the potential for long-term relationship success than a fear of conflict. Supplicating to your partner, or anyone for that matter, when your boundaries are crossed will more than likely lead to certain consequences such as building resentment. In time, building resentment needs a release, and this is where the stereotype of the nice person going "postal" comes from. Eventually, all that resentment finally comes out in one full on explosion of emotion, and the people around that person, never saw the rage coming, because that person has always been so accommodating (read: nice) about things. As far as everyone else was concerned, there was never any issue to be worried about, because the person who is too nice, never identified the conflicts he or she was experiencing.
Furthermore, another side effect of a fear of conflict can be the bad habit of lying. Lies and lies and more lies, each one to help cover the last one, all in the name of trying to avoid a conflict. Not everyone who fears conflicts lies; however, some do. This is a very bad habit to be in. It gets especially bad when people convince themselves that they are lying to "spare the other person any anguish". Although the liars really do believe, and strongly convince themselves, they are lying for the good of others, the liars will only be able to break this repeating behavior pattern when they can admit they lie to help themselves avoid potential conflicts.
THIS is the reason that people who are too nice in relationships often find themselves not easily earning the trust of their lovers. Experience will teach many a partner to be wary of those people that come across as too nice, because new partners will be suspicious about when the next explosion of rage may hit. Caught in the crossfire are people who are very nice, but who are not afraid of conflict. The sad part is that real nice people tend to turn off high quality partners, and attract those people who are in the habit of taking advantage of nice people. Those actual nice people can sometimes feel a sense of frustration because they cannot understand why things continue to not work out in relationships.
At the root of fear of conflict is a fear of loss. It has nothing to do with the fear of losing an argument that the conflict might spark. It has to do with how a person will imagine they will be abandoned if they bring the conflict to light. Some people fear conflict because they are worried that having a conflict with someone they care about, might in fact, bring about the end of the relationship. Depending on what the conflict is, the cost of enforcing a boundary could very well be the relationship. In other cases, it is not the conflict that will end the relationship, but a person's inability to handle intense emotions that the conflict brings out. If the person with the conflict is not comfortable with intense emotions, they may bring up the conflict in the only way they know how, which is likely very un-calibrated and comes across as angry, and not a calm discussion.
Some people are reluctant to learning to accept conflicts as a part of life because they are afraid that it will cause them to see nothing but conflicts everywhere they look. I attempt to explain to people that conflicts do not just manifest out of thin air. Those conflicts were ALWAYS there and it is just that learning the ability to mange a fear of conflict, also gives the gift of developing a talent to spot conflicts that you previously did not read as conflict signals.
For example, part of learning to deal with a fear of conflict is to identify your deal breakers and boundaries. Once you know where your boundaries are, then you will see all those places where your boundaries are violated (thus seeing the signals of conflicts). Until you know yourself enough to be able to articulate your boundaries, you will be unable to manage your fear of conflict because you will not be able to properly put your finger on where the conflict actually exists.
The Irony is that you are much more likely to lose what you have if you do not allow for conflicts to surface. People who are too scared to talk it out because they are scared to lose a partner, inevitably end up in situations where they are unable to feel trust in their partners (or vice-versa) because of the silent resentment that slowly builds between them.
Resentment kills intimacy. If you have conflicts, you MUST communicate and work them out; otherwise, those conflicts will kill any potential that you would have originally had to make your relationships successful. To summarize, a relationship that cannot handle conflict is a relationship that is destined for doom.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Are you too nice when it comes to relationships? Do you walk on eggshells because you do not want to upset your partner? Are you reluctant to enforce your boundaries with someone you care about? Are you afraid of the confrontations that would result if you communicated how you felt, even if you communicated in a compassionate and effective manner? Chances are you have a fear of conflict.
There are very few things more devastating to the potential for long-term relationship success than a fear of conflict. Supplicating to your partner, or anyone for that matter, when your boundaries are crossed will more than likely lead to certain consequences such as building resentment. In time, building resentment needs a release, and this is where the stereotype of the nice person going "postal" comes from. Eventually, all that resentment finally comes out in one full on explosion of emotion, and the people around that person, never saw the rage coming, because that person has always been so accommodating (read: nice) about things. As far as everyone else was concerned, there was never any issue to be worried about, because the person who is too nice, never identified the conflicts he or she was experiencing.
Furthermore, another side effect of a fear of conflict can be the bad habit of lying. Lies and lies and more lies, each one to help cover the last one, all in the name of trying to avoid a conflict. Not everyone who fears conflicts lies; however, some do. This is a very bad habit to be in. It gets especially bad when people convince themselves that they are lying to "spare the other person any anguish". Although the liars really do believe, and strongly convince themselves, they are lying for the good of others, the liars will only be able to break this repeating behavior pattern when they can admit they lie to help themselves avoid potential conflicts.
THIS is the reason that people who are too nice in relationships often find themselves not easily earning the trust of their lovers. Experience will teach many a partner to be wary of those people that come across as too nice, because new partners will be suspicious about when the next explosion of rage may hit. Caught in the crossfire are people who are very nice, but who are not afraid of conflict. The sad part is that real nice people tend to turn off high quality partners, and attract those people who are in the habit of taking advantage of nice people. Those actual nice people can sometimes feel a sense of frustration because they cannot understand why things continue to not work out in relationships.
At the root of fear of conflict is a fear of loss. It has nothing to do with the fear of losing an argument that the conflict might spark. It has to do with how a person will imagine they will be abandoned if they bring the conflict to light. Some people fear conflict because they are worried that having a conflict with someone they care about, might in fact, bring about the end of the relationship. Depending on what the conflict is, the cost of enforcing a boundary could very well be the relationship. In other cases, it is not the conflict that will end the relationship, but a person's inability to handle intense emotions that the conflict brings out. If the person with the conflict is not comfortable with intense emotions, they may bring up the conflict in the only way they know how, which is likely very un-calibrated and comes across as angry, and not a calm discussion.
Some people are reluctant to learning to accept conflicts as a part of life because they are afraid that it will cause them to see nothing but conflicts everywhere they look. I attempt to explain to people that conflicts do not just manifest out of thin air. Those conflicts were ALWAYS there and it is just that learning the ability to mange a fear of conflict, also gives the gift of developing a talent to spot conflicts that you previously did not read as conflict signals.
For example, part of learning to deal with a fear of conflict is to identify your deal breakers and boundaries. Once you know where your boundaries are, then you will see all those places where your boundaries are violated (thus seeing the signals of conflicts). Until you know yourself enough to be able to articulate your boundaries, you will be unable to manage your fear of conflict because you will not be able to properly put your finger on where the conflict actually exists.
The Irony is that you are much more likely to lose what you have if you do not allow for conflicts to surface. People who are too scared to talk it out because they are scared to lose a partner, inevitably end up in situations where they are unable to feel trust in their partners (or vice-versa) because of the silent resentment that slowly builds between them.
Resentment kills intimacy. If you have conflicts, you MUST communicate and work them out; otherwise, those conflicts will kill any potential that you would have originally had to make your relationships successful. To summarize, a relationship that cannot handle conflict is a relationship that is destined for doom.
Frank Kermit
