- Published on
Dating the Ex of Your Friend
Dating Your Friend's EX
By Frank Kermit
A question that comes up, more often than not from younger adults, than from older clients is: What are the rules about dating the ex of your friend?
Younger people have more to consider when dating the ex of a friend. It is not just the loss of the friendship that is at risk, but it could cost him or her an entire social circle, and a reputation that could make their world much more challenging.
Older people tend to be more independent, better able to stand up for themselves, and life experience has taught them that even the best of friendships may not last forever, and a successful loving relationship can actually be worth the risk of losing a friendship.
With all that said, here are some tips about dating the ex of a friend.
First, be mindful if your friend has any expectation of being asked permission. Some people really expect to be asked for permission before a friend dates his or her ex.
That expectation also comes with the notion that if your friend says no, you will hold off dating the ex, no matter how you feel about that person.
In my teachings, I let people know that no one, including your friends, need to approve of who you date, including if it is an ex of theirs.
This is unrealistic, as by the time a new couple realizes there is something they want to explore, the time for permissions has likely already passed.
However unrealistic, it can be quite popular with certain individuals.
Second, some friends do not have the expectation that permission will be sought (that is good and realistic), but they may still have the inclination to expect that the new couple will reach out and tell the friend directly about the new relationship.
Once again, this is not realistic as the relationship could have started spontaneously, or even started in secret to keep things less complicated in case things did not work out right at the beginning.
Part of the problem is that friends tend to share way too many details about their love life with one another, that when something is not shared for any reason, it can be interpreted as a sign of disrespect.
This is why the best course of action is to never get into the habit of sharing too many details about your love life with your friends.
There are some things your friends do not need to ever know, and in truth, you are under no obligation to share such information.
With that all said, if you are going to date the ex of a friend, and your friendship with that person is very meaningful to you, and is a friendship that you wish to make efforts to maintain, there is nothing wrong with reaching out to your friend, and letting your friend know that you and the ex have begun dating.
Do you have to do it? No.
Will this type of behavior automatically save or maintain your friendship? There is no guarantee.
Could your new partner (the ex), be miffed at you talking to your friend in this way? Possibly.
However, life is about making choices, and it is up to you to decide how you will choose to deal with this dating dilemma.
If you are stuck, trying to figure out if you should withdraw from dating the ex of your friend, if you should do it in secret, if you should reach out and ask permission or just let your friend know directly what is going on, or if you should just date who you want to date, and accept the consequences no matter what happens, then consider this:
If the situation were reversed, what are your expectations if a friend of yours ended up dating an ex of yours?
At the very least, it is a starting point.
- Published on
Single on New Years Eve
Stop Wasting Time:
The Resolutions
For Singles in the New Year
By Frank Kermit
Some people find themselves starting the New Year as a single person. For those that are happy being single, the New Year is getting off to a great start.
However, if someone is not happy with being single, and wants to make sure to be in a relationship by the time New Year's Eve comes around again, it is important to make some changes.
If there was one area that single people must make changes to, in order to ensure their best chances at no longer being single, it can be summed up in 3 simple words:
Stop-Wasting-Time.
Stop Wasting Time means that you realize that your "time" is a resource of a very limited supply.
You cannot get back any time that you already spent. All you can do is focus on the time you have left. When it comes to the desire to no longer be single, how you spend your time is very important.
There are certain things you must devote time too. These include your set obligations, your family responsibilities, your work, your education, your health but when all of that is done, then you may have time left over to focus on other things.
That time left over is the time you need to devote to making changes in your life to break the repeating behavior patterns that have thus far kept you single. If you are not using that time wisely, you could be wasting it.
For example, you have decided that this was the year you were going to find new love, and build a serious relationship with him or her, and the next thing you know, you get contacted by one of your ex lovers who happens to be lonely and wants to enjoy your company again.
If you keep hanging out with ex lovers just to avoid feeling lonely, you are wasting your time.
Use that evening to go out some place to potentially meet someone new.
If you are casually dating someone currently and it appears that there is little chance of it turning into a serious commitment, you might be wasting your time.
Talk to your partner about what would have to happen to for such a commitment to occur.
If your partner cannot give you a direct and crystal clear answer, you are wasting your time with that person.
Use that time to go to workshops to develop your social or conversational skills.
If you have hobbies which are enjoyable pastimes (stamps, genealogy, videogames) but do not allow for you to interact with new people in real life social settings where you can explore a potential romance, you are wasting your time.
Use that time to take up a new activity like a dance class where you must interact with others and potentially find a connection.
Even chilling out with your friends can end up being a huge waste of time.
Unless your friends are able to directly introduce you to someone new they brought to the social circle, hanging out with the same groups of people that do not provide you with your own chance of love is a time waster.
This also includes that friend of yours that you are in love with, and continue to ask out, but rejects you again and again.
Spending time with someone that continually rejects to attempt to take your friendship to the next level is wasting your time.
Use that time to meet up with new social circles that can meet your needs better.
Some people struggle with this because they carry a notion that they should not have to put in so much effort to connect with a new love.
They feel that it should just happen when the timing is right, and would rather wait for love to come to them.
For some people, this has worked because they are naturally able to draw such opportunities to them.
However, for the rest of us who were not naturally able to draw it to us, it is time to put in the work.
Next New Year's Eve is just about 11 months away.
You can either wait to see if you will be alone again, or you can choose to take action and increase your chances to have someone to start next year with a meaningful kiss. It's your time
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Being Single Can Be Like Winning The Lottery
Being Single is Just Like Winning The Lottery
By Frank Kermit
Updated March 3, 2018
The topic to be discussed is why are so many people still single when we live in a time when there are more ways than ever to meet someone to have a meaningful satisfying loving relationship.
Many years ago, a student of mine asked me the same question of why some people are still single; given all the different ways someone can meet a potential relationship partner. Here is what I told him.
In modern times, being single is just like winning the lottery.
When you are single, you have lots and lots of choices. You can choose to date casually, or seek a serious partner. You can wait or you can rush in.
You can date whomever you want, whenever you want, however many times you want. You can have sex, or you can abstain.
You can seek out someone to create and parent children with you, or you can seek to have a child on your own. You can choose to use protection and remain childfree if you really want. You can date people of any faith, any culture, any race, and any gender.
You can choose to get married, get engaged, just live with someone...or never get that serious. It is all completely up to you.
You have the power of choice.
When you win the big lottery, you have lots of and lots of choices.
You can choose to go on major spending sprees, or seek a serious financial planner. You can hold off claiming the winnings and get your plans in order, or you can claim it and rush to make purchases.
You can share your money with whomever you want, whenever you want, however many times you want. You can invest or you can abstain from investing.
You can seek out partners to create business ventures together. You can let the money sit in the bank and never spend it if you choose to be minimalist if you really want.
You can choose to buy a house, a new car, a collection of assets, or never get into any sort of purchasing. It is all completely up to you.
You have the power of choice.
The people who end up broke and in worse debt than when they first won the lottery are exactly like those people who were single and ended up in worse situations by wasting time with bad relationship partner choices.
Neither of them have life management skills (in finance and romance) nor did either of them take the time to learn how to manage all the choices they were suddenly saddled with.
The people who end up financially stable and even richer than when they first won the lottery are exactly like those people who were single and ended up in the best possible situations by making the most of their time with good relationship partner choices.
The both had life management skills (in finance and romance) and they made the time to learn how to manage all the choices they were suddenly saddled with.
If you are single and you want to stop being so, take the time to learn about who you are, what you want out of life, and to figure out who would be the best relationship partner for you.
A successful romantic future is just like a successful financial future; it comes down to making the right investment and managing it for life.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Dating Deadlines
Dating Deadlines
By Frank Kermit
Sometimes, the only way to move forward in a relationship is to set a deadline.
Setting a deadline when you are dating someone is a way to find out exact how serious someone is about continuing to be with you, and how ready someone is to move your relationship to the next level.
If you have a life plan and feel that you are running out of time because your partner seems like he or she is dragging their heels, asking them for a deadline for when they will make a move may be a good idea.
Dating deadlines are usually related to a couple setting a specific date to move into the next level of commitment in the hierarchy of relationships.
It can mean going from causal dating to a more serious relationship, living separately to living together, going from dating to an engagement, and a deadline to go from engagement to marriage, and to trying to get pregnant.
A deadline can also be about non-relational situations such as buying or selling an asset, and even deciding when to move to another area or city.
In some of the more complex situations I have seen in my practice, it may even involve asking a partner to give up seeing someone else in order to fully focus and commit to the relationship.
If you are thinking about setting a dating deadline, because you suspect your partner is consciously or unconsciously dragging heels about a certain move forward within the relationship, be sure to involve that person in naming the deadline date.
It is always best to let the person who is holding back, to set the date of the deadline.
The key is to let that person pick a deadline he or she feels comfortable with meeting. Then give that person the space he or she needs to meet that deadline.
This will accomplish exactly what you need:
An environment of support and trust that gives your partner everything necessary to meet the deadline without added pressure.
If your partner meets the deadline, you will have moved forward in the relationship together.
If your partner has not met the deadline, and there were no other mitigating circumstances to blame, your partner has no excuse for not meeting the deadline.
Your partner not meeting the deadline is the outward sign you may need to end the relationship.
There was one couple I distinctly remember from my practice that had set a dating deadline that by a certain date, there were to be married.
On what would have been their wedding day, there were still not married (not even close to the planning stages of a wedding), and they decided to come in for a coaching session together to figure out why it had not happened.
A deadline not met should often be seen as a red flag.
However, it does not need to automatically declare the end of a relationship.
In some cases, an unmet deadline can also be the push necessary to start a path of personal growth and healing, to get your relationship where you want it to be.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
The Problem is YOU
The Common Element in
All Your Dating Dilemmas
By Frank Kermit
You. Yes, you. The common element in all of your dating dilemmas is and will always be you.
In my practice, I often get asked questions pertaining to why there are no good women, or no good men out in the world.
Specifically, I am asked why every woman out there is malicious, and asked why every man out there is a jerk?
The answer is, not every woman out there is malicious and not every man out there is a jerk.
However, if every single person YOU have dated all seem to have the exact same problematic characteristics, then perhaps it is time to ask, if you might be part of the problem.
It is always possible that even the most level headed of us occasionally makes a bad choice, or is mistaken once in a while in terms of our ability to judge a character.
There are manipulators in the world who are masterfully skilled in lying and deception that even some of the most astute individuals may fall victim to.
There is no shame in being fooled once. That is part of the learning process of life experience. However, if you fall prey to these kinds of romantic hooligans on multiple paths to romance havens, it is time to check your love-compass for a tune up.
The common element is not that every guy or gal you dated cheated on you, lied to you, swindled you out of money, hurt you, broke promises to you, wrecked your car, got you arrested, hit you, hid a major secret from you, played mind games on you or anything else you want to add to the list of charges.
The common element is that you keep choosing to date people that exhibit these characteristics and refuse to learn to pay attention to red flags.
You may not always be able to choose the people you are attracted to, but you are always in control of your choices in terms of whom you date. However, there is something you can do about it right now to keep you from repeating this behavior pattern.
Identify some personal boundaries about what you deem unacceptable behavior towards you, communicate those boundaries early on in the dating process when you meet someone new, and if that person crosses your boundaries in small ways at the beginning, you walk away before you give that person a chance to majorly violate those boundaries later on.
The ability to follow your own personal rules for the standards regarding how you require to be treated by others, is one of the best, and sometimes the only sure fire way to assert your boundaries, and pull yourself out of a questionable or bad situation. This cannot be based on how you feel in the moment.
In the moment, if you are used to being mistreated when dating, it may actually feel inappropriate, or even wrong, to end dating someone that you may already be attached too.
That is why clear boundaries are so important. They are the guidelines you must follow, even when your heart is clouding your head with emotional screams of excuses, hopes and justifications.
Thus, even when your heart can be misguided, and your mind may be confused; your boundaries will always guide you to your best option for long-term happiness. It’s all in you.
Frank Kermit
All Your Dating Dilemmas
By Frank Kermit
You. Yes, you. The common element in all of your dating dilemmas is and will always be you.
In my practice, I often get asked questions pertaining to why there are no good women, or no good men out in the world.
Specifically, I am asked why every woman out there is malicious, and asked why every man out there is a jerk?
The answer is, not every woman out there is malicious and not every man out there is a jerk.
However, if every single person YOU have dated all seem to have the exact same problematic characteristics, then perhaps it is time to ask, if you might be part of the problem.
It is always possible that even the most level headed of us occasionally makes a bad choice, or is mistaken once in a while in terms of our ability to judge a character.
There are manipulators in the world who are masterfully skilled in lying and deception that even some of the most astute individuals may fall victim to.
There is no shame in being fooled once. That is part of the learning process of life experience. However, if you fall prey to these kinds of romantic hooligans on multiple paths to romance havens, it is time to check your love-compass for a tune up.
The common element is not that every guy or gal you dated cheated on you, lied to you, swindled you out of money, hurt you, broke promises to you, wrecked your car, got you arrested, hit you, hid a major secret from you, played mind games on you or anything else you want to add to the list of charges.
The common element is that you keep choosing to date people that exhibit these characteristics and refuse to learn to pay attention to red flags.
You may not always be able to choose the people you are attracted to, but you are always in control of your choices in terms of whom you date. However, there is something you can do about it right now to keep you from repeating this behavior pattern.
Identify some personal boundaries about what you deem unacceptable behavior towards you, communicate those boundaries early on in the dating process when you meet someone new, and if that person crosses your boundaries in small ways at the beginning, you walk away before you give that person a chance to majorly violate those boundaries later on.
The ability to follow your own personal rules for the standards regarding how you require to be treated by others, is one of the best, and sometimes the only sure fire way to assert your boundaries, and pull yourself out of a questionable or bad situation. This cannot be based on how you feel in the moment.
In the moment, if you are used to being mistreated when dating, it may actually feel inappropriate, or even wrong, to end dating someone that you may already be attached too.
That is why clear boundaries are so important. They are the guidelines you must follow, even when your heart is clouding your head with emotional screams of excuses, hopes and justifications.
Thus, even when your heart can be misguided, and your mind may be confused; your boundaries will always guide you to your best option for long-term happiness. It’s all in you.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
10 Signs of Avoiding Commitment
Ten Signs Of Avoiding Commitment
By Frank Kermit
There are signs that the person you are dating has no real intention of ever committing to you, even if you are being led on with the person saying that one day in the future they will commit. In many of those cases, your partner is sticking around for reasons that have nothing to do with a desire to be with you for good.
Those reasons tend to be all about sticking around because you are good-for-now. Sometimes a partner stays with you until someone they like more comes along. Sometimes, your partner is not in a financial situation that allows him or her to leave comfortably, so your partner continues to be with you, for now.
Sometimes the reason a person stays is as simple as you continue to have sex, and it is easier to get sex from you, than it is to seek out a new sexual partner. Whatever the reason, you are being mislead to think there is a possible future together, when in fact, your partner already knows, that what you have together is a time-limited affair.
Here are some signs that your partner has no intention of ever committing.
1-Refusing to set any dates or deadlines (for a wedding, birth of a planned child, engagement date). Any lacks of deadlines are signs of lack of seriousness
2-Displays a fear of being alone, or mentions never being able to find a better partner. Low self-esteem can keep a person from leaving temporarily, BUT that same LSE also stops them from moving to the next level.
3-Massive fear of divorce. If this conversation comes up all too often, your partner is trying to tell you, without directly telling you, that the idea of serious commitment is not an option.
4-When every discussion about getting serious turns into having sex. This is a distraction ploy where sex is used to reassure a person that he or she is wanted, and helps avoid any talk in the moment about future commitment.
5-Wanting to wait to save up a certain financial amount to be spent on the wedding. The key here is that the person is not actively saving said amount. If they are not saving for the wedding, they are not planning to have one.
6-When your partner constantly tries to push your boundaries on things that you are not interested in doing. A partner that cannot accept you as-is, is a partner that is not planning a future with you.
7-Your partner puts family, friends and hobbies, ahead of very meaningful moments in your life. If your partner would rather hang out with friends instead of celebrating an important moment in your life, that is a major red flag.
8-Your partner limits your contact with their family, and extended family. This one is tricky, because some manipulators do involve their short-term romances with their families, so be alert to the other signs as well.
9-Your partner shows no interest in getting a life plan in order, which shows no motivation or urgency to plan a future with you. People without a life plan, are less likely to be able to stick to any commitment they make, so it is easier just not to make any commitment to keep options open.
10-Your partner insists on multiple versions of birth control to make sure that nothing -bad- happens up to and including not having sex anymore. Yes, a person will stop having sex with you, but still claim to want to be in a relationship with you. Normally, it usually turns out the other person has already starting to see someone new, and is hoping that you will be the mean one and break up with them, to allow them to play the victim publicly.
One of the worst things that can happen when you are seeking a serious commitment is to have your precious time wasted. The easiest way to avoid these situations, is to have your boundaries and rules in place, and when you see that your partner is not living up to the boundaries you set, then please do assume the role of the -mean one- and end it, and put your time towards someone that does want to commit to you.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Waiting For Your Partner To Change
Waiting For Your Partner To Change
By Frank Kermit
Can people change? Yes, people can change.
If you are in a relationship with someone, and wondering if the person you are with can change, the answer is yes, most anyone can change, if the person can make the commitment to change, the capacity to see it through, and the relative motivation to stick to it through the change process (which can be very challenging at times).
The question is not if the person you are with (or interested in being with) can change. The question you need to be asking is whether or not you wait for that person to change.
The focus is always best directed on the things you can control such as your decision to stay or go, and not on the things you cannot control such as whether or not your partner actually makes a change.
In my practice, I often find myself helping individuals shift their focus from trying to get a partner to change, to focusing instead on why the individual would seek out a partner that needs to perform some kind of change in order to make the relationship work.
It can be an eye opening experience, and a hard shot to the ego, for individuals to realize they may be self sabotaging their chances at being in an emotionally healthy happily satisfying relationship with someone new, by always choosing to date people that must change in order for any relationship to function.
When seeking a long-term partner, a key ingredient to relationship success is to find someone that you can take as is. If the person you are attracted too must change something in order to continue to be in a long-term relationship with you, it is best not to attempt to get serious with that person to begin with.
You do not get serious with someone because of who that person may become in a few years time. You get serious with someone because of who he or she is RIGHT NOW. And if the person he or she is RIGHT NOW is not good enough for you, do not commit.
Time is a resource that is irreplaceable and unreplenishable. When you hang around someone that is not ready or willing to change in order for your relationship to get serious or move to the next level, you are wasting your time.
The time you lose lingering is time you will never get back. More importantly, it is time that you could have used to find someone that is ALREADY the person that you can have a serious relationship with RIGHT NOW.
If you are dating someone that needs to change in order for the two of you to be more serious together, and your partner is dragging his or her heels about it, do not put your life on hold waiting for your partner to change.
It is OK to have hope that your partner will change, but do not cut yourself off from meeting and dating new people, while you hope that the person you currently favor will change to meet your needs. Use the time your partner needs to change to explore all of your other relationship options.
There are certain situations where waiting for a certain change in your partner to take your relationship to the next level makes sense. For example, waiting for both you and your partner to finish an education and get a career started before starting a family, is the kind of waiting for a partner to change that makes some sense, because there is already a willingness and existing commitment in place.
However, there are certain decisions are too important to wait on such as moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, having children, and other values individuals may consider very important such as moving to a new city, changing religion, getting sober, or legally ending a pervious relationship status.
When everything else has been discussed, and you have acted reasonable with realistic expectations, and it is just a matter of taking that next step, and your partner is either not able, nor willing, then you may need to take some time for yourself to evaluate if your partner is worth the wait.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
When Dating is Off Limits
Off Limits Dating
By Frank Kermit
Mastering the art of dating requires a number of skills such as being socially calibrated, effective communication and knowing what you want. One of the areas that comes up for many people who are trying to figure out why they are still single when they would rather be in a relationship is that they need to build up their skills in being able to identify who is considered off limits in their dating lives.
In the hierarchy of relationships, the category for off limits people is where you identify someone as a potential dating partner that, for whatever reason, you are unable to pursue a romantic encounter with at this time, but that you would be open to trying to connect with that person in the future, if circumstances were too change.
For example, you are interested in dating someone that is currently in a committed relationship, and instead of trying to break up that relationship, you choose to wait and see if that relationship will run its course and end on its own without any interference from you. It is your decision that when that person becomes available at a later time (if ever), you will make your move and intentions known to try and make a date happen, but in the meanwhile, you will go about your life and date others to find a potential soul mate.
It is very important to note that it is rarely a good idea to close yourself off from dating other people when you would be interested in dating someone that you current deem as Off Limits. That is a critical mistake singles make that keep them single and trapped in the realm of Singledom. Deeming someone Off Limits, does not mean you wait for that person to be single. It means that you keep an open mind if and when that person ever becomes single in the future.
Time plays a very important role in how you manage to decide if and when you will date someone that used to be off limits, but has now become available to date. It is up to you to set those boundaries as to when you will and will not take the chance to date someone. For example, you would be interested in dating the partner of someone you currently consider a friend? They date for 6 months, and then break up.
The question is: how long do you wait to try to date the ex of your friend? Do you wait six months? Do you wait a year? Do you move in right away before your friend and your friend’s ex have a chance to reconcile? These are not easy questions to answer, but it is better to set your own rules ahead of time, because when the situation happens, how you feel you want to handle it, and what is in your best interests on how to handle it, may be very different decisions.
Another example is when you are interested in dating someone you met through your work environment. With so many potential issues that come with getting involved with a co-worker, many people see all work related contacts as Off Limits. However, what if someone leaves the company or changes profession such that they are no longer a work related contact? Once again, do you make your move right away, or do you wait until a certain time period has past? And if you do wait, how long do you wait before you make a move? Only you can decide for yourself.
Knowing how long you wait, or if you should deem someone Off Limits, is based on whether or not you are prepared for the consequences of dating that person. Willing to risk your job by trying to date a co-worker? Not Off Limits for you. Willing to risk losing your friend by trying to date your friend’s ex? Not Off Limits for you. Willing to date someone that your family dislikes and get cut out of the inheritance? Not Off Limits for you.
However, if you are not willing to take a risk and suffer the consequences of trying to date someone, keep that person Off Limits. Keep in mind, that the consequences do not just come from actually dating someone. You may get rejected right from the get go, and never even make it to a first date, but you could still suffer some of those consequences just for trying to make something happen.
If you deem someone Off Limits, make it for a good reason, and when in doubt, stick to it as best you can.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
What Sugar Arrangement Sites Do Not Tell You
What Seeking Arrangements
Does Not Tell You:
The Secrets of Seeking Arrangements
By Frank Kermit
Originally written in 2015, updated April 24, 2018
Seeking Arrangements is a website that calls itself a dating site that targets young, attractive women in their late teens and early twenties, to help them meet financially established, usually older men who want to trade major financial support (averaging 3000$ a month) for a negotiated form of companionship.
It entices the girls by describing the men as financially stable, experienced in dating, willing to pamper with shopping sprees and expensive gifts and travels, and also potentially offering valuable guidance and mentoring (i.e. career-wise) aiming for long term stability.
It entices the men involved by describing the benefits of no strings attached relations, readily available girls at his discretion, and that the number of sugar babies to sugar daddies is a whopping 8 to 1.
On the one hand, as long as everyone involved is an adult, and enters into such an agreement of their own free will, then the only real issue is whether or not such an arrangement is legal where the two adults live.
There are places where prostitution is perfectly legal and The Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby set up isn't actually all that different from prostitution. To understand what makes the Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby set up similar to prostitution is that when a sugar daddy falls on hard times, loses his source of income or tries to negotiate a lower rate of exchange; it is very likely that his pseudo girlfriend can no longer offer him that brand of companionship and quickly ends the arrangement.
The fact that it is just like prostitution in this regard is not the problem. I do not believe in judging anyone for entering into the sex trade; because everyone has their own reasons to take part it in (both the sex-worker and the client).
To be clear, I believe the prostitution should be decriminalized and have nothing against people that pay for sex and companionship, and the people that provide the services of sex and companionship. As long as everyone is a consenting adult, and they are made aware of the consequences of their involvement, not just the positives.
What I believe is the great point of tension however, is what such sites do not tell participants about some of the risks involved, focusing mostly on selling a fantasy of no consequences.
There are ramifications to taking part of this lifestyle that only come to the attention of those involved when it is too late.
For the girls involved these risks may include living with the possibility that someday in the future, their involvement in this could be revealed and affect them in ways they never considered.
For example, if they wanted to keep it a secret from a her future employer, life partner or her children's friends but it was made public because a former sugar daddy (or someone with access to his estate) upload evidence on the Internet of her time as a sugar baby.
Some former sugar babies end up struggling financially, because they become so accustom to the lavish lifestyle their sugar daddies offered, that having to work for a living, usually making less money, causes them to rack up debt very quickly.
Just because she is being taken care of now, does not mean she is being taught to be independent. Trying to find a sugar daddy when she is older, and beyond the demographic of the sugar daddy target audience, becomes a terrible rude awakening for these women.
It is not a coincidence that Seeking Arrangements and other services like it specifically aim to recruit young, attractive women in their early twenties. Older women in those circles are more expected to take on the role of a Sugar Mommy and offer support to younger, attractive men.
It is the same arrangement, with the reversal of genders. Finally those of my female clients that were former sugar babies, now struggle with finding a life partner in part because her standards are so high and out of proportion with the kinds of men that would actually date her, and those men she would be interested in dating, would not want to date her given her past as a sugar baby, or they are too shallow to date a woman closer to his own age.
Although some sugar babies are getting degrees in higher education, not all are, and not all sugar babies finish their degrees. Many of them may even not be considering how the gaps in their resume will affect them. How does she explain how she made a living during certain periods of her life, yet has no work experience to show for that time?
It is because of such gaps, these women struggle to find work outside of the sex industry. (Sugar baby isn't exactly a high-ranking resume credential for jobs outside of sex work). One sex worker I interviewed for an old audio production I did, stated that this particular snafu was one of the reasons that made it so challenging for working girls to get out of the business.
The consequences for the men involved are different. It seems there is less of a stigma for men that pay for the services of the sex industry, than there is for the girls who work in the sex industry. The real risk in paying for companionship, attention, and sex, is that it dulls a man's ability to know what is socially acceptable behavior on an actual date.
Those of my male clients who were involved for years with such arrangements get used to being told what they want to hear, thus they never learn through legitimate social experience that their behavior is actually creepy and turns women off.
When these men behave exactly the same way, dating women they are not paying to be there, they get their own rude awakenings through massive rejection and abandonment, never understanding what they did wrong.
Real life dating is as much a learning experience about social acceptability as it is to find a compatible partner.
When a man pays for sex as the outcome, and it is a pre-determined guarantee regardless of what he says or how he behaves, he does not learn how to attract or interact with women in a way that encourages a woman to want to continue spending time with him (let alone have sex).
When trying to understand the true nature of what the girls involved should expect seeking an arrangement, I would tell them this:
If a man only wanted the companionship of a woman who was not interested in having sex with him, he could easily do so with every woman who he asked out and rejected him, but who offered to stay just-friends.
And even in those cases, some men still stuck around hoping to get more from her than she was offering.
Be careful out there folks.
If you had a Sugar Arrangement and are struggling to get back into the regular dating realm, sign up for Frank Coaching.
Frank Kermit
P.S. I was quoted in another article about the Sugar Baby Industry. Please go see Sugar Daddies: The Quick Cash
Sex Is Important.
Otherwise there would be no sex industry
and sex would not be used in mainstream advertising.
Whichever side you are on when it comes to sex, a consumer, a service provider, or just an enthusiastic participant, every partner you ever have will appreciate your efforts to be a better lover.
Get a copy of Now What? Unique Ways To Cater To Her Sexual E.N.A if you want to learn to be a better lover.
Be A Better Lover
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Figuring Out What You Want For Dating
Figuring Out What You Want
In Dating
By Frank Kermit
In my work with singles that are struggling to find a serious long-term relationship, one of the challenges is to get the single person to define exactly what it is he or she wants. Many people think they know what they are looking for, or believe that when the right person comes along, they simply will feel it.
Based on my experience and my practice, I have to tell you that such beliefs tend to lead people to dating the wrong partners or ending up very alone as they get older.
Trying to define exactly what you want in a life partner, as well as, the kind of relationship structure that meets your needs is not as easy as some may assume.
First you must balance what you think you want, and what you personally can and cannot handle. You may think you would be happy with a very socially active dating partner; however, it is only after you actually date someone who is very socially active that you come to realize that your own introverted nature and home body lifestyle, simply cannot support dating a socially active partner who is out and about most times and enjoying extrovert behaviors.
Second, there is the issue of not having enough experience with dating in general. How do you know if casually dating a number of people, instead of trying for a monogamous relationship right away would make you happier?
The answer is, you likely do not know, until you try and let experience teach you.
When I meet with clients who struggle like this, I usually suggest that sometimes it can be easier to define what it is you do NOT want. You may not be sure if you want a monogamous relationship right away, or to casually date several people at once, or to have a primary partner with some kind of more open relationship because you simply do not have enough experience to know yourself.
In fact, dating could turn out to be just a big experimental tryout until you figure it out by getting burned a few times. However, if you can list what you are sure you do not want, it can help you narrow down your choices to figure out your next immediate decisions.
For example, if something you know for sure that you do not want in your future is a divorce from the other parent of your own children, then use that as a guiding principle to help you choose what you believe is the best potential learning opportunities going forward.
No one-relationship lifestyle is better than another. Each one has pros and cons and can be better suited for different phases of a person's lifespan.
It is about starting with your end goals, identifying what you know you do not want, and working back from that future point.
This will help you decide who you should attempt to date today, and in what kind of relationship structure you should date that person.
Dating can get complicated if you let it, but it does not have to be that way if you know what your end goals are, and use that knowledge to factor into the choices you make today.
Frank Kermit
