- Published on
23 Reasons Why: Suicide: The Signs, What To Do, and Where To Go For Help
Suicide: What are the signs, what to do, and where to go?
By Jenn and Sam, Mental Health Caseworkers
If you’ve been on the internet lately, you’ve probably seen posts about the new controversial Netflix show “13 Reasons Why”.
If you have not seen it,
let us break it down for you.
The show depicts a teenage girl, Hannah Baker, trying to navigate her way through a new school.
Here, she encounters bullying from her peers and struggles with mental health issues that eventually contribute to her committing suicide. Prior to her suicide, she created audio tapes that detail the reasons why she chose to end her life.
The popular show has been criticized for glamorizing suicide and portraying suicide as a justifiable act of revenge.
On a more positive note, many mental health practitioners and teachers are using the show to open up a line of communication about suicide with youth and adults, to educate people on how to identify the signs and how to seek help or support someone who may be suicidal.
There have additionally been initiatives by local high schools where students created and shared “13 Reasons Why NOT”, which are lists of reasons why suicide is not an option.
Although the show opens up this doorway of communication regarding suicide, it demonstrates little knowledge or understanding of Hannah’s mental health problems.
It does not address her hopelessness, desperation or helplessness.
The show appears to focus more on morality and highlights that the consequences of bullying can be deathly.
There is no denying the truth behind that last statement or the detrimental effects, both short term and long term, that bullying has on its victims.
That said, there is still a much broader topic that is being left out.
Suicide itself.
Bullying is not the only reason people chose to take their own lives.
The show additionally does not address many other questions surrounding suicide including;
It does not address her hopelessness, desperation or helplessness.
The show appears to focus more on morality and highlights that the consequences of bullying can be deathly.
There is no denying the truth behind that last statement or the detrimental effects, both short term and long term, that bullying has on its victims.
That said, there is still a much broader topic that is being left out.
Suicide itself.
Bullying is not the only reason people chose to take their own lives.
The show additionally does not address many other questions surrounding suicide including;
- the signs and symptoms,
- how individuals can seek help for themselves,
- how to seek help for others,
- and what kinds of services are available.
As mental health workers, we see individuals with suicidal thoughts, ideations, and tendencies on a daily basis.
It is something we are consistently screening for, because it occurs frequently as a result of other mental health disorders.
This does not mean that a person has to have a mental illness to become suicidal, but it does increase the risk of suicide.
According to a study completed in 2011, approximately 3,500 people commit suicide annually in Canada.
This is a staggering number.
Unless you are directly affected or working in a social service/mental health setting, you are most likely unaware of what the signs of suicide are.
Furthermore, you are probably unaware of what to do if you encounter those feelings yourself or discover someone you love is suffering from them.
What to look for: signs and symptoms
What signs do we look for?
First and foremost these are general guidelines and are in no way absolutes.
Some signs are more obvious, while others are more subtle.
An obvious sign is someone having or verbalizing that they have suicidal thoughts and/or ideations.
Simply put, the individual is thinking about dying, how to do it, and what will happen if they go through with it.
These are more obvious signs as the individual will often express these thoughts to multiple people and rarely will go through with it.
Subtle signs include those that are less noticeable or associated with suicide.
These are often not expressed by the individual, but can be noticed in their changed behavior.
These can be significant changes in mood such as anger, volatility, recklessness and/or an increase in risk-taking behavior.
The individual may start to withdraw from family and friends, become more reclusive where they were once social.
The individual may turn to substance use that was not present before to numb the feelings or change their state of mind.
They may feel anxious, hopeless or helpless in their situation and are unable to cope with it.
They may also express thoughts of having no purpose to live and that no one would be affected or care if they were gone.
They may express feeling that there is no other way out of a situation.
On the flip side of the coin, their mood could drastically change in an appearingly positive way where they could present much happier than they have been, as they feel a sense of purpose through their plan to take their own life and are determined to see it through.
What do you do if you see these signs
in someone you know or love?
in someone you know or love?
The first step, although maybe the hardest, is to talk to them about what you see and your concerns.
Do this with an open heart and from a place of empathy.
Let them express how they feel and validate their struggle, while letting them know you are there to help and support them.
It is important in these situations that the person feels someone cares about them and wants to help.
At some point
you need to be brave enough
to ask them directly
if they are contemplating suicide.
Ask them if they have a plan, how they would do it and if they have a time frame. If the answer to any of these questions is “yes”, then there is an urgency that needs to be addressed.
This can be seen clearly in “13 Reasons Why”.
Hannah creates a clear and precise plan.
She chooses to create 13 tapes, clearly collects all the items she needs (tapes, razor blades, recorder etc), maps out what to record on them and then ends with her taking her own life.
Often, the person will reach out in some way or another, by trying to tell someone what they are feeling or by giving away something that holds a lot of importance for them.
Hannah demonstrates this by making a final attempt to get the attention she needs from her school counsellor.
Suicide is a serious issue, and if you recognize these signs in someone else, it is important that that person is not left alone.
- You can call 911,
- the Suicide Action Hotline,
- the West Island Crisis Center,
- or even present yourself at the Emergency Room of any hospital.
It is a scary thing to do, but you could be preventing an unnecessary death.
If the situation is less urgent, but warrants help, you can visit your local CLSC.
The CLSC can refer you to the appropriate services.
What do you do if YOU
are having these thoughts
or recognize these signs in yourself?
are having these thoughts
or recognize these signs in yourself?
If you see the signs in yourself,
it is important that you speak to someone you trust
and create a plan to help yourself.
We encourage clients to create a SAFETY PLAN which includes a list of reasons you shouldn’t harm yourself.
This can be lists of things you love to do, places to visit, things that make you passionate and important relationships in your life such as loved ones, family, friends and pets.
Add a list of resources to call in a time of need
- such as the Suicide Prevention Hotline
- or Crisis Center.
Add people you trust and can speak to on the list including family and friends. Make sure that these are people you can get in touch with if you feel unsafe being alone.
Being aware of these signs and how to provide help might make it easier to catch someone who is contemplating suicide before they act. So please, do not be another face in the crowd.
Reach out if you recognize the suffering in yourself or another.
You could be the difference between life or death.
-Jenn and Sam
For more information on suicide prevention please use the following services:
Suicide Prevention Canada
http://suicideprevention.ca/
Canadian Mental Health Association
They have a page dedicated to services for those facing suicidal thoughts and struggles or friends/family support.
https://www.cmha.ca/mental-health/understanding-mental-illness/suicide/
West Island Crisis Centre
Phone: 514-684-6160
Services: 24 hour emergency hotline, psychological assessment, intervention, temporary shelter and equipped with mobile unit for evaluations.
Suicide Action Hotline:
1 866-277-3553
or
514-723-4000
This hotline is open 24/7 and can provide support and assistance.
Author Bios
Let us introduce ourselves. We are mental health case workers, and although that sounds like a big scary title, it is actually just clinical terms for saying that we help people help themselves. Our job is to empower people with the knowledge and tools to help manage any mental health issues they may be facing. This can range from small bouts of depression and anxiety, to suicidal ideation and chronic illnesses such as Schizophrenia and Bipolar disorder. Whatever the concern, we are here to provide support, guidance and direction in riding the wave to recovery.
On a daily basis you can find us meeting with clients and creating Action Plans to accomplish short and long terms goals. We help locate and direct clients and families to community services and organizations. We create and facilitate sport therapy groups, workshops, educational seminars and group activities, all with goal of normalizing mental health issues and empowering clients with the tools and skills to move forward not only in their recovery, but with their life goals. If you are lucky enough, you can even spend time with our onsite therapy pup named Norbert, who is always available and more than willing to give some love and cuddles. Norbert plays his own role as a worker, going out into the community to spread awareness and help with prevention. Our approach is far from traditional and we strive to work outside the clinical “box”. We focus on the individual’s strengths, using their passions and goals to facilitate stability and recovery.
Jenn and Sam
Mental Health Caseworkers
Donate to Support Mental Health Care
- Published on
Suicide and Depression: Happiness is Sourced From Within
Suicide and Depression
by Frank Mondeose
Wow. Chris Cornell, say it ain't so bro!
Another one leaving us to suicide.
What makes a beautiful, powerful, impactful soul,
take their own life?
Earlier this year, a very popular Tantra teacher in California, Psalm Isadora, also took her life. She was bringing magic into people's lives in such big ways and dedicating her life to sexual health and awakening.
So why?
What makes these suicides more notable then all the rest of them? To me, it shows that, no matter what it looks like, no matter how shiny the exterior, people are battling their demons every day. So these 2 are great examples, that happiness is not "out there", in perceived "success", but more sourced from within.
How could these 2 individuals with all this light around them take their own life? And why do we sometimes try to glide over that the cause of death is suicide? Shame? Shame of what seems to be an insurmountable sadness that forces someone into the furthest edges of the rational world?
RAW TESTIMONIAL:
I want to share because I think if we speak, others won't feel as alone, because everyone is going through something worthy of escaping from.
Many of you will probably be surprised, but...
I have also battled with suicidal tendencies since high school, being brought to the brink at least a couple times.
I have prayed for death. The result: cancer.
My get out of jail free card, as I saw it.
So why? I can only speak for myself.
I feel.
I feel everything.
Some things regarding to myself, other things regarding to others, some from people I don't even f-ing know.
It is a gift and a curse.
It is so attuned, that sometimes I even feel what is coming up before it even happens, and feel, before I can even understand what I am feeling.
Many of you will probably be surprised, but...
I have also battled with suicidal tendencies since high school, being brought to the brink at least a couple times.
I have prayed for death. The result: cancer.
My get out of jail free card, as I saw it.
So why? I can only speak for myself.
I feel.
I feel everything.
Some things regarding to myself, other things regarding to others, some from people I don't even f-ing know.
It is a gift and a curse.
It is so attuned, that sometimes I even feel what is coming up before it even happens, and feel, before I can even understand what I am feeling.
This has often time put me in bouts with depression.
I don't understand.
I don't know anything.
Why am I here?
What does it all mean?
Even when I am doing my best, the world seems to be falling around me.
So what is the f-ing point of being here anyway?
Why don't I just go back to source, where I can be at ONE again and not have to feel?
Ouffff, what a topic.
I need to keep it short to keep your attention.
Bear with me. :)
So why am I still here?
I picked up a few things along the way.
#1 I am here, I have no choice. I was put here for a reason.
So what to do?
Do the only thing that means anything:
Show up in the best version of myself, that I can, as much as possible, and where i under-deliver, stay aware, attentive, and open to improving.
This is all I can f-ing do. From there, the rest will play out, but at least I am in right relationship with my soul, while in manifest form.
#2 The first time I did ISTA
In ISTA Level 2 with Bruce Lyon, I had a shift in consciousness.
I had a huge realization that suicide just could no longer be a part of my reality,
as it will affect my vibrational footprint and effect my life in consequence.
But it was Komala Lyra, who in my second ISTA Level 2 just recently in Guatemala, that anchored this concept of why stay here?
Komala succinctly described the idea of escaping from manifest reality (duality),
by yearning to return to "Oneness" through suicide
as an impossible realization.
This intense need to escape and leave here and now, is pulled by the soul's call to wanting to be in ecstatic Oneness with all, the interconnection of energy and source force.
As Komala explained, buying a ticket to Oneness, by getting on a train of Duality and Separation is impossible.
"You will never get there."
I picked up a few things along the way.
#1 I am here, I have no choice. I was put here for a reason.
So what to do?
Do the only thing that means anything:
Show up in the best version of myself, that I can, as much as possible, and where i under-deliver, stay aware, attentive, and open to improving.
This is all I can f-ing do. From there, the rest will play out, but at least I am in right relationship with my soul, while in manifest form.
#2 The first time I did ISTA
In ISTA Level 2 with Bruce Lyon, I had a shift in consciousness.
I had a huge realization that suicide just could no longer be a part of my reality,
as it will affect my vibrational footprint and effect my life in consequence.
But it was Komala Lyra, who in my second ISTA Level 2 just recently in Guatemala, that anchored this concept of why stay here?
Komala succinctly described the idea of escaping from manifest reality (duality),
by yearning to return to "Oneness" through suicide
as an impossible realization.
This intense need to escape and leave here and now, is pulled by the soul's call to wanting to be in ecstatic Oneness with all, the interconnection of energy and source force.
As Komala explained, buying a ticket to Oneness, by getting on a train of Duality and Separation is impossible.
"You will never get there."
Everything about suicide is in the realm of duality:
me, my soul, my emotions, life, death, killing, who is doing the killing, for what purpose...the mind is engaged.
Duality.
The ceremonial intention to return to Oneness
is littered with duality.
"So, live your life.
If you have a death wish, live it bigger than ever,
and see where that takes you.
But live it, and live it fully, from the core of your heart!"
I don't know how all this is landing with you, but to me it unlocked the concept of my divine, gifted time, I have here, and that every feeling and emotion,
is a gift.
Every heart break, every longing, every broken expectation, every laugh, every cuddle, every orgasm, is all a gift.
A gift that brings us back to the realm of experience.
Oneness sounds blissful, but i don't think it will feel like anything more than *everything all at once*.
So while we are here, engage the singular experience of feelings, and emotions, and allow them to put you on a path of self-discovery, and soul alignment.
This is why I can live so boldly.
This is why I can speak my mind so clearly.
This is my time.
This is the blessing I was gifted with, and there is no person, no culture, no authority, that will tone me down, because my soul speaks to me and tells me that I was put here to SHINE, and it is my divine responsibility to use this time, while I am here and gifted with it, to open my HEART, to FIND MY BLISS and SHINE.
And there is no way to make that happen if I am more focused on what others will think of me if I live out my bold truth.
With love, respect, and gratitude for all and those souls who felt the need to go, instead of living it out here with the rest of us.
You are great teachers.
xo
-Frank Mondeose
About The Author
Frank Mondeose is the owner of Monde Osé is which is a lifestyle brand focused on promoting the understanding and enjoyment of life, love and sensuality. Their mission is to offer distinguished sexy entertainment and seduce our audience while maintaining a classy high end product.
Read Frank Mondeose's past posts here:
http://www.franktalks.com/blog/burlesque-101
http://www.franktalks.com/blog/intro-to-sexual-shamanism-workshop-montreal
Frank Mondeose is the owner of Monde Osé is which is a lifestyle brand focused on promoting the understanding and enjoyment of life, love and sensuality. Their mission is to offer distinguished sexy entertainment and seduce our audience while maintaining a classy high end product.
Read Frank Mondeose's past posts here:
http://www.franktalks.com/blog/burlesque-101
http://www.franktalks.com/blog/intro-to-sexual-shamanism-workshop-montreal
- Published on
The Jackson 5 Five Were My Brothers
The Jackson 5 Were My Brothers
by Nat King Pole
So the Jackson 5 are my brothers and we just sing and dance all day. Well at least in my mind they were from age 6 to well... now at 55 lol.
I was raised an only child in a small town of 200 on the border of Ontario. Everybody was very white and spoke English or French.
The Jackson 5 Were My Brothers
by Nat King Pole
So the Jackson 5 are my brothers and we just sing and dance all day. Well at least in my mind they were from age 6 to well... now at 55 lol.
I was raised an only child in a small town of 200 on the border of Ontario. Everybody was very white and spoke English or French.
One day I heard a Jackson song on the radio and up until then I'd only heard country music as my mom was a country music artist. I was hooked and asked my mom who that was and could she buy me that record.
I was 6 years old and I was hooked.
From that day on it was all about the Jacksons followed by Motown and Martin Luther king and African American history.
I'm getting ahead of myself.
Let's see how can I explain this?
I knew from as far back as I can remember that I was different although I didn't know there was a name for it which was lesbian and I also instinctively knew it was something that was not acceptable to be in mainstream society.
Now the Jacksons became my héros just because I loved the music and the dancing but as I got older I learned that they were also part of a group of people that were not loved and accepted just like me.
After seeing a movie about Martin Luther king's life, he became my hero and in my child's mind I thought
"this guy is gonna save me, us, all the people that are not treated equally and loved and accepted".
Martin Luther King Jr.
When I learned he was shot I was devastated as I figured we were doomed to be hated forever.
But black people understood oppression and therefore would understand who I was and accept me.
I had found my people! Ok I'm about 8 yrs old at this point.
I didn't quite get all the subtilités of prejudice.
So I spent my days listening to Jackson records and watching black sitcoms and living in my mind with my black friends.
The kids in the neighborhood thought I was weird, didn't even know who the Jacksons were, and really weren't interested in learning dances.
I wanted an Afro I wanted everything they wore, I never missed them on TV and just bought everything I could get my hands on that I could with my 50 cent a week allowance.
The one and only time I'd ever dare disobey my parents is if it had to do with the Jacksons.
Now this was pre VCR or anything else so if they were on TV past my bedtime I was screwed. So I'd stay awake and creep downstairs and turn on the TV with no sound on and stick my face on it till it was over.
Now this was pre VCR or anything else so if they were on TV past my bedtime I was screwed. So I'd stay awake and creep downstairs and turn on the TV with no sound on and stick my face on it till it was over.
Then I'd spend hours trying to copy what I'd seen. I knew every lyric and move by heart. Man, I was the 6th brother.
Now all this put me in the loner weird nerd kid category until secondary five (Grade 11) when it happened.
A talent contest. That weird nerdy kid is actually trying out.
This should be hilarious they thought.
Well no one knew what I'd been up to all these years.
My folks were there with my grandparents and I came on stage in the school auditorium that was packed to the rafters. When I heard the first notes of my brothers I just became someone else and danced my heart out and the place erupted!
Everyone was standing and going crazy!
My parents and grandparents were crying and I won and my whole life changed dramatically that day.
Since then I've seen the Jacksons a total of 3 times live and am going for four this June.
Nat King Pole and The Jacksons
But last year I actually got to meet them for about a minute and take a picture with them. I thanked them for taking the time to meet the fans after a show as they surely must be tired.
And I said I'd dreamed of this meeting for almost 40 years. I only wish I could've conveyed what they truly meant to me.
And I said I'd dreamed of this meeting for almost 40 years. I only wish I could've conveyed what they truly meant to me.
Today I'm still performing
and it's what gives me the most joy in life.
That's when I can be who I really am
and it's just as magical as it was
when I was in my parent's place
just me and my imaginary brothers
-Nat King Pole
About the Author
Nat king Pole is Montreal's busiest drag King and has been for 15 years. As well as performing regularly In his hometown he's been making ladies swoon in Toronto, Quebec city, Ottawa and in Philadelphia, Boston, Provincetown Etc. He sings Live, writes his own parodies, dances and is just plain sexy. They call him the panty whisperer. His website is: http://natkingpole.com/
To read Nat's past post:
http://www.franktalks.com/blog/profile-of-a-drag-king
- Published on
Help Monique Find Her Birth Family
Updated on March 1, 2018. Please note that Monique has in fact located her birth family and met them. This post caught the eye of someone on a Facebook group (Search Squad), and we put Monique in touch with the Facebook group that helped her with her search. In less than 1 year, Monique met her birth siblings and birth mother.
Help Monique Find Her Birth Family
If you recognize anyone from the photos, or from the information,
Please directly contact Monique at (705) 471-6684
or you have more information to offer anonymously
Please contact the site admin: Frank@franktalks.com
Birth Name: Marie Isabelle Judith
Name Adoption: Marie Carole Therese Monique Gaudreau
Place of Birth: Hull, Quebec
Date of Birth: October 16, 1965
Orphanage: Ville-Joie Ste-Therese de Hull.
Date of Adoption: (cir 16 Months old) January 31, 1967
Other Registered Information:
Place of Baptism: Notre-Dame de Graces, Hull, Quebec
Date of Baptism: November 9, 1965
Monique as a child
This is Monique cir. 1967 shortly after her adoption. In the photos are her two brothers (both of whom were also adopted).
Do you recognize any of these children in the photos?
Do you know Monique's birth family, who may have shared information with you that resembles what you are reading here?
Please reach out to us and help Monique find some contact with her birth family and/or find some closure.
Information of Biological Family on File:
Bio-Mom: (born cir. 1932) was 33 at the time of birth of Monique. Caucasian French-Canadian, spoke French, Catholic, unmarried, living in the Outaouais region of Quebec. She was about 5’3”, weighed about 108 lbs, with brown hair, brown eyes, and listed as having a fair complexion. Her education level was 7th grade and her occupation was a Waitress.
Bio-Dad: (born cir. 1929) was 36 at the time of birth of Monique. Caucasian French-Canadian, spoke French, Catholic living in the Outaouais region of Quebec. He was about 5’9”, weighed about 180 lbs, with black hair, black eyes and listed as having a fair complexion. His education level was 5th grade, and his occupation was a Truck Driver.
Maternal Grandparents:
M-GrandFather died at the age of 50 from a heart attack
M-GrandMother (born cir. 1910) was age 55 and her health was listed as good at the time birth of Monique. M-Grandmother was a homemaker. M-Grandmother had 4 sisters (all listed as married and homemakers) and one brother (M-Uncle). M-Uncle (born cir. 1951) was age 14 at the time of birth of Monique and was a student at the time.
The family was listed as living in a poor social and economic situation.
Paternal Grandparents:
In 1965, both paternal grandparents were listed as living and in good health.
**** Disclaimer: Much of the information above is from the C.P.E.J. Outaouais
Letters To Her Biological Parents From Monique
A Letter From Monique To Her Biological Mother
Dear Mom,
Being Adopted is emotional life sentence, not knowing your identity. most Adoptees have so much love and sensitivity. We have been through depression, anxiety, Just because two people have never met, does not mean that love between the two don't exist.
What ever was the circumstance , many of us Adoptees have forgiven, but not forgotten our loss.
I personally want to say these words to a women that gave birth to me..
You are awesome... I forgive you... You had tremendous strength for giving me away.... I am so sorry that you had suffered in silence... You deserve to be recognized as my mother, even though you did not raise me, you brought me into this world, and gave me to a total stranger , in hope that I could receive what you felt you would be unable to provide for me.
No one has ever thanked you, for your unselfish love.
No one was there to guide you through after your hardest decision.
I want to thank you personally for making me strong , and by doing what you did.
The love I have for you, YES YOU! It is so strong.
I Pray that in your heart you will feel at peace with yourself, and remember no one has the right to judge you...Not even me. If you have passed on, please give me the opportunity to place a rose at you resting place, and await till we meet again someday.
From your biological daughter to my biological mother...I never knew. I love you!!
-Monique
A Letter From Monique To Her Biological Father
Dear Dad,
To my Biological father I never knew.
I am not here to judge you! I only want to say. I understand... I have no hate....
You played a very important part in my existence... I feel the need to tell you, I always had love for you in my heart .
Whatever the circumstances that lead me to be given away, I have no hate, for I myself have learned so many things in my lifetime, and failed.
I know that my place is not to judge, and I promise I won't !!!!
I am willing to receive you with open arms, please do not let your mind and heart feel troubled, but know I am here for you.
If you should have passed on, please I pray that you might of shared your deepest secrets to someone that could reconnect with me.
My promise to you if you were taken to be among the Angels, is to place a rose at at your resting place, in remembrance and respect for you, for accepting the many challenges that this may have caused you in your lifetime.
Being human is one of the hardest things at times, and this I truly believe.
With Love from your biological daughter you never knew,
to a biological father I pray to meet one day.
-Monique
*****
About Monique
About Monique
About Monique:
Monique is married and currently resides
in the city of North Bay, Ontario.
*************************************
If you recognize anyone from the photos, or from the information,
Please directly contact Monique at (705) 471-6684
or you have more information to offer anonymously
Please contact the site admin: Frank@franktalks.com
About Monique:
Monique is married and currently resides
in the city of North Bay, Ontario.
*************************************
If you recognize anyone from the photos, or from the information,
Please directly contact Monique at (705) 471-6684
or you have more information to offer anonymously
Please contact the site admin: Frank@franktalks.com
- Published on
Such a Thing as Happily Single?
Is there such a thing as Happily Single?
By Frank Kermit
Is being single really that bad?
After all, when a person considers the amount of pain that a relationship or casual dating can cause, it may seem that just skipping the whole dating-thing altogether might make for a more peaceful life.
Could it be that intimate relations are simply not for everyone,
and maybe you happen to be one of those people?
How do you know if being alone is the right choice for you
and is it even possible to be content, o
r even fulfilled in a life without romantic love?
As always, that answer is completely up to you.
Learn To Manage Different Kinds of Relationships
The people who struggle with this question the most
are those people that
never actually had an overly positive,
intimate relationship with someone before.
If that is coupled with an environment
that was emotionally sterile
while that person was growing up,
it makes trying to find the motivation
for seeking out a relationship almost obsolete.
Without having experienced
what a health loving relationship can be,
or not having experienced the positive attributes
of being with someone that cares for you,
it is challenging for someone
to see the value is pursuing a goal
they have no concept of.
Make TIME For YOU
Then the consideration comes in that some people are simply too damaged to be in a relationship.
There are cases where someone may be struggling with a personal demon like an addiction, or still coping with a history of abuse.
Those demons may limit their capacity for intimate relationships of any kind.
In these cases, people tend to be encouraged to work on themselves before entering into romantic relationships so that the challenges inherent with romantic relationships do not distract the people from the healing process, nor allow the romantic relationships to exasperate a persons energy causing them not to have the personal resources to slay the demon.
This is most commonly understood when someone enters a drug and alcohol treatment center where patients are forbidden to have relations with each other and contact with loved ones must be limited.
I have often found that barring any major issues, that a few people are simply not ready to make the commitment to the amount of work that is necessary to change an area of their life they are not happy with.
Make It Happen
Dismissed as laziness by some,
the lack of willingness
to put in the work required
to change behavior patterns
is nothing to scoff at.
Changing anything in your life forces you out of your comfort zone.
It takes work.
The motivation to make such changes may very well require that someone hit an absolute rock bottom before having enough gumption to finally make that change. The same principle applies to changing the status of a persons love life.
It is unfortunate that people require that kind of rock bottom to reach a point where the pain of staying where they are is finally greater than the pain of making a change.
When I am asked if it is better to be in a relationship that is bad, or being alone, I often quote one of my inspirations.
To paraphrase:
"Are you better off with that person,
or better off without that person?"
There is no set answer.
It completely depends on the context of your situation.
There are a number of other factors to consider
in the answer to this question.
- Are you very miserable,
- or just so-so bored with your partner?
- Is your partner a good parent to your kids,
- or are your kids in danger around your partner?
- Are you fighting day in and day out with your partner,
- or have you settled into a quiet existence that you find bland?
- Is your partner someone you can rely on,
- or is your partner a dead beat?
- If you were alone, would you be able to manage
- Are you just a negative person
- will continue to find fault with your life even if your leave?
Ending a relationship is NOT always the answer when things are rough in life, because life is also going to be rough on you when you are single.
There are always consequences to either lifestyle to choose, the question remains which consequences are you more adept to handle accepting?
There are always consequences to either lifestyle to choose, the question remains which consequences are you more adept to handle accepting?
Some people are just comfortable being alone, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you are happier being alone, then take pride in that. If you complain about being alone, then do something about it.
If you complain about being in a relationship,
again do something about it.
Communicate with your partner and find out what is possible to change the areas you are not happy with, to see if you can work to build the relationship together that you will find fulfillment in.
If you are trying to figure out if you want to give up on love or not, one of the ways to decide this for yourself is to sit down and work through the differences between your feelings towards single life and your desires for the kind of lifestyle you want for yourself. Start with your ideal lifestyle and work your way backwards to your current present date.
Once you have that ideal (and REALISTIC) lifestyle mapped out, see if you are the type of person that can actually attain it, and if you would be able to attract the kind of partner that you yourself would need to be.
Frank Kermit
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Coping With Loss: Remembering and Honoring The Dead At a Wedding
Remembering the Dead at a Wedding
by Frank Kermit
Sometimes, couples who marry want to do something
at the wedding in memory of the people who passed away.
This happens, especially when the death was recent.
At my wedding, my wife and I did a little ceremony at the reception where we lit a candle and read an inscription, announcing it was in memory of various relatives that had died, who would have wanted to attend.
It was very short, but it did bring us come comfort, and it was also comforting to some of the attendees who were still in mourning.
We all cope with loss differently.
It is important for the wedding couple to also remember,
that not everyone will appreciate your efforts
to pay tribute to your lost loved ones.
One of the biggest mistakes I see people make,
is they try to tell someone else that how they grieve is wrong.
For example, this story is of a wedding I attended:
A father dies a few months before his son is set to be married.
At the wedding, a special tribute is made in honor of the late father.
The groom and his mom dance to a song that was in memory of his dad.
All the guests were invited on the dance floor to circle them.
Then it happened...
at one point, the groom and his mom started to cry a little.
It was not a hysterical cry at all, but the tears were evident.
Everyone around them formed into a circle continued to move to the music.
...except one man.
He started to raise his voice to tell the DJ to stop the music.
He was an uncle in the family, and felt that the song and tribute
was making them cry and that it was wrong.
So he made a fool of himself
trying to stop the tribute.
Luckily, the DJ and the rest of the guests ignored him.
The uncle was not comfortable with seeing, or dealing with, grief.
He tried to "protect" everyone else from grief as well.
That was the worst thing he could have done, and lucky for
everyone at the wedding,
the DJ was smart enough not to listen to him.
Make sure that you let the DJ,
or other wedding professionals involved
know about any potential trouble-makers,
and let the wedding professionals also know exactly what your wishes are in case a wedding guest decides to act out.
If you can predict who might be the kind of person to act out, at your wedding, it might be a good idea to let that person know ahead of time what you are planning.
This is not about getting that person's permission.
It is more about letting that person know,
so the shock of surprise
in combination of the grief and mourning
does not motivate that person
into doing something
that will turn your wedding
from spectacular
to a spectacle.
-Frank Kermit
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Recipe Filet Mignon Served With A Chimichurri Sauce
Filet Mignon is a very special cut of beef that is a symbol of luxury. The name mignon means dainty or small. It is frequently served as the main course in restaurants on Valentine’s Day.
In 1904 a man by the name of William Sidney Porter under the pen name of O. Henry wrote a 25 story novel called "The Four Million" where he highlighted the luxury of Filet Mignon. He wrote about it multiple times as a representation of romance and as a decadent treat.
Filet Mignon
Argentine in its origins, Chimichurri is typically made of finely-chopped parsley, minced garlic, oregano and white vinegar – though there are regional variations, with Uruguay adding red pepper flakes for an added kick.
Filet Mignon Served With A Chimichurri Sauce
INGREDIENTS FOR THE MEAT
4 filet mignons (6ounces each)
1 tablespoon of low sodium steak spice
INGREDIENTS FOR CHIMICHURRI SAUCE
1 cup of water
1 tablespoon of coarse salt
6 garlic cloves (peeled)
1 cup of flat leaf parsley
1 cup of oregano
2 teaspoons of crushed chili
¼ cup of red wine vinegar
½ a cup of extra virgin olive-oil
METHOD
To make the Chimichurri sauce
Bring the water to a boil in a sauce pan, add the salt and stir until it dissolves. Remove from the heat and let cool. In a food processor, add the garlic, parsley, oregano and chili; add the vinegar and salted water mixture and pulse until liquefied, then transfer to a bowl. Whisk in the olive oil by hand. Place in a jar which seals very well for up to 3 weeks.
METHOD
To cook the Filet Mignon
Place the Filet Mignon onto a heated grill and cook for about 5 minutes per side, or until your desired consistency. Half way through the cooking add the steak spice. If you add it too early it can burn. Once the Filet Mignon are cooked, let them rest for 3 to 4 minutes before plating spoon onto each filet the desired amount of Chimichurri sauce, and serve.
To make the Chimichurri sauce
Bring the water to a boil in a sauce pan, add the salt and stir until it dissolves. Remove from the heat and let cool. In a food processor, add the garlic, parsley, oregano and chili; add the vinegar and salted water mixture and pulse until liquefied, then transfer to a bowl. Whisk in the olive oil by hand. Place in a jar which seals very well for up to 3 weeks.
METHOD
To cook the Filet Mignon
Place the Filet Mignon onto a heated grill and cook for about 5 minutes per side, or until your desired consistency. Half way through the cooking add the steak spice. If you add it too early it can burn. Once the Filet Mignon are cooked, let them rest for 3 to 4 minutes before plating spoon onto each filet the desired amount of Chimichurri sauce, and serve.
Recipe Courtesy Of: Cristina Mucciardi
CookandDate events aren’t set up to be cheesy, intimidating or plain awkward. Every event is attended by successful singles wanting to experience something new and exciting. Bars, restaurants, clubs can be fun but variety is the spice of life and our events were conceived to be fun, stress-free environment where laughs, cocktails, networking, and a little cooking take center stage.
In short, all you need to do is show up and enjoy the best of what this city is known to offer: great people, great food, great wine, and a true joie de vivre. This is the recipe that has made CookandDate a true success story for the past 8 years, week after week.
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Additional information was added by Franktalks.com as well as recipe modification for clarity.
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Your Worst Wedding Regrets
The Worst Wedding Regrets
By Frank Kermit
Weddings can be overwhelming.
So much to do, so many details to take care of, and so many choices. It is very easy to end up making choices that seem like a good idea in the moment, but that end up being your worst wedding regrets.
I asked some wedding professionals to share some of the biggest regrets their clients experienced to help give you all some cues.
Allison Plachcinski, a wedding planner with A Belle Affair Weddings says that brides tell her that one of their biggest wedding regrets was putting too much emphasis on the look and feel of the bridesmaid dresses. As a result, the brides and the bridesmaids get into heated arguments to the point where some have fallen out of touch because of all the drama. This included one maid of honor who dropped out of the wedding party because she did not have any choice in the bridesmaid dress.
Angela Skinner of Mobile Bartending by Linen and Lace, says that one of the biggest wedding regrets she hears from brides were from the ones that purchased a wedding dress that did not fit as a means to have the motivation to lose weight before the big day. She also states that couples who choose a very small, intimate venue too early on in the planning tend to be in for a shock when they finally tally up the full number of guests being invited to the wedding.
Wedding Planner
Natalka Gach Lee a wedding planner, says that some end up with regrets when it comes to hiring a DJ. Lee says that couples should insist on a meeting with the DJ (especially if the venue is supplying the DJ) to make sure that the DJ has the music the couple requires, will come dressed appropriately for the occasion and who will respect all music requests
Wanda Malfara, photographer and head of SIAM Productions says the mistakes people make when it comes to wedding photography is when the bride and groom think they can have friends and relatives take the best photographs. "When it is all said and done, the dress has yellowed, flowers wilted and the only thing left are the memories - the photographs are forever and are so much more important than people realize in the excitement of an amazing wedding day" says Malfara.
James P. Correia, also a wedding photographer, states that it is becoming more common to have an "unplugged-wedding". This means that neither digital cameras nor phones are permitted. This "allow all guests to enjoy themselves more, take in the meaning of the day, and truly observe a magical moment." Correia believes that, "our generation too often buries our heads in our gadgets...and we are starting to miss out on a lot."
In addition to what these photographers said, when I was doing the research for this article, there are actually some couples that want to be the first to distribute photos from the wedding on social media after the event, and not have it done for them by the wedding guests, throughout the event.
Caryn Lim, Designer and Wedding Planner at A Timeless Celebration warn brides and bridesmaid against attempting to make their own invitations. "The costs come out to roughly the same, however the do-it-yourself method comes with a whole lot more headaches." Says Lim.
Florist Helen Mandrozos, creative director of Studio Floral Ermis offered some very insightful advice. "Bigger is not always better!" Brides have told her that they regretted ordering a big bouquet that was too heavy to carry throughout the day and how it overpowered their wedding dress, even though it was the bouquet the bride had set her heart on. Also, she has often received phone calls from frantic wedding participants the night before the wedding asking to hire her services to help with their flowers at the very last minute after failed do-it-yourself projects.
Remembering Dagmar Daghofer
Finally, no wedding preparation is complete without planning to honeymoon.
Travel agent (the late) Dagmar Daghofer of the Vision 2000 Travel Group who helps couples book honeymoons strongly suggests not waiting too long to book anything because the resort they want may have either gone up in price or is no longer available. Waiting until last minute might force the couple to end up in a family oriented hotel as opposed to something more romantic. Simply put, you cannot take back a low class honeymoon.
Good or bad, your wedding will be one of the most memorable days of your life, and thus it is important to be mindful to take whatever precautions are necessary to ensure the memory of your wedding is a pleasant one.
Frank Kermit
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For Some Women, Mother's Day can be the Most Painful and Dreadful Day of the Year
Mother's Day Can Be Difficult For Some Women
by Anonymous Mom aka Anonymom
I do get how Mother´s Day can be difficult!
I was abandoned by my mother upon birth
like you would abandon an animal
(without a care of what will happen).
After a little time in an orphanage,
I was adopted by another mom, the only one that I think of.
She, in turn was mortally wounded by motherhood:
her own child had died,
and they did not allow her to mourn,
they told her "that never happened" and "make another one".
That marked my story, and my relationship with
her,
her ambivalence, and lack of healing..
Later, I became a mom, to heal myself,
wanting to give the love I myself needed,
which of course, never works
because you cannot give what you do not have!
I thought "because what I went through I will be amazing",
and instead I was depressed, and inflicted that upon them!
But I have been healing ever since.
Unlike my adoptive mom,
I got LOTS of support, and help through the years,
and I conquered the scary dragons she never did
...I am happy today, but I DO get it.
I am enjoying my kids, and the relationship I have with them now,
but that does not mean I forgot the hardship, the pain, the complications
... Also my heart goes out
for the ones that cannot be moms,
those that like my own adoptive mom,
lost a child,
or their own mom,
those misunderstood because they
make the choice not to become mothers:
Wherever you are emotionally today,
it is OK, and I send you LOTS of love,
and the best, most tender healing feelings,
and hope you go gentle, and love yourself today!
-Anonymous Mom aka Anonymom
About The Author
Anonymom is the term that FrankTalks.com uses for any mother
who wants to tell her story anonymously.
Contact Frank@franktalks.com to tell your story
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Happy Mothers Day
Honoring Your Mothers
By Frank Kermit
Someone once told me that we enter this world on our mother's pain, and that we leave the world on our own pain.
Looking after my wife during the last intense months of a complicated pregnancy and me insisting that I be in the delivery room when my own child was born, I must agree.
Will I ever be able to fully appreciate my wife enough for everything she sacrificed and went through for our amazing child?
In that sense, will I ever fully appreciate what my own mother sacrificed and went through to give me a chance at life?
I doubt I am even qualified to answer that.
So, how can someone honor his or her mother?
I sometimes face this particular question in my practice during bereavement counseling when a family is struggling with the passing of a mother.
At times, the mourning process may require someone to honor his or her mother's memory with some kind of memorial.
These may include writing about her, naming a structure after her (such as a road, or building wing), starting up a charity fund or scholarship in her memory, and even planting a tree.
However, by far the most powerful way I have found to honor a mother is to take every good value and great experience she gave you, and to pass that love along to your own children as well as to any children who may be in your care at any point in time.
Whatever your own mother's greatest value that she passed on to you, pass on that same trait to others.
Compassion, devotion, life lessons, a love of life, art, teaching…whatever it was that made her special to you; the best way to honor her is to keep her spirit alive each and every time you pass along those traits of hers to your own children, and the children of the world.
When I think of my own mother, I struggle with seeing the now elderly lady who has trouble walking, remembering details and needs to rest frequently.
It is hard to fathom that this is the same superwoman who I remember as being strong of body and spirit, a vibrant Jill-of-all-trades, who never stopped from early morning before anyone else woke up, going on to late night after everyone else went to bed.
She was by no means perfect. No parent is.
The most any mother can be expected to do is the very best she can, with what she has, and that is exactly the legacy my mother has left behind, that I will honor her with, as I pass that love on to my own child.
So, to the mother of my child, to our mothers who gave us life, to the mothers of all my future descendants, to the mothers of my nieces and nephew, to the mothers of mothers, to the mothers of everyone I have ever cared about, to the mothers themselves that I have come to know, and to those special women who came to mother children that weren't originally their own…Thank you and I love you.
Frank Kermit
