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Dating in the Digital Age
Dating in the digital age... how to find your soul mate.
Written by: Pillow Talk Gal
Can anyone ever find their soul mate?
Is there even such a thing as a soul mate?
If there is, how do you find them?
These are some of the many questions single gals and gents are faced with on a daily basis.
If you are a believer in the fact that your happy ending depends on finding that one special person to fulfill you, then you are one of many that believes this depends on finding ‘’the one’’ (an expression that rom-coms have been using as their bread and butter for so many years).
So, once you know what you are searching for,
how do you make sure you find it?
There are some who prefer to go old school and just let it happen naturally (typically these people will just let life run its course).
Others prefer to take a more ‘’bull by the horn’’ approach and decide to consult dating sites.
Both methods depend on the comfort level of the particular person. I can tell you I have used both methods and can speak to the pros and cons of both.
how do you make sure you find it?
There are some who prefer to go old school and just let it happen naturally (typically these people will just let life run its course).
Others prefer to take a more ‘’bull by the horn’’ approach and decide to consult dating sites.
Both methods depend on the comfort level of the particular person. I can tell you I have used both methods and can speak to the pros and cons of both.
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Time
When we’re younger we truly believe we have all the time in the world and are usually in no rush to settle down.
As time marches on, we begin to feel like something is missing (this is often brought on by the fact that our friends or people in our inner circle, begin to settle down by choosing mates, getting married or having children).
In some women, this is often the point where that infamous biological clock starts to chime so loudly you would swear it’s the default ringtone on your phone.
At this point it becomes about finding someone to be with.
You go on date after date, hoping to find the person you are supposed to be with.
Time after time you put yourself out there (sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s really horrible and sometimes it’s just downright wrong/uncomfortable).
Then, just when you tell yourself you are done looking, the most amazing thing happens. Love seems to find you!
You know that saying:
‘’you will find love when you stop looking for it’’,
well I can tell you for a fact that it does happen (it turns out rom-coms do get a few facts right).
This is the scenario that sometimes happens when you let life runs its course.
Now, what do you do if you’re not in your 20’s or 30’s anymore and you find yourself starting over?
You want to go back out there and look for love again but dating seems so scary and juvenile.
Where do you start?
Well, that’s the beauty of dating sites!
Technology is for once on your side because now that you have experience with love, you (hopefully) know what you’re looking for.
Dating sites can really help you put yourself out there in a way that makes you feel less vulnerable than before (instead of having to either ask someone out or be setup on a blind date).
Apps and sites can help you target exactly the kind of mate you’re looking for.
Trust
Although there is a certain comfort in picking and choosing from many different profiles, you still have the same uncertainty as with the more traditional methods:
the trust factor.
This is where Internet dating and traditional dating resembles each other the most.
You never really know until you meet and spend time with the actual person.
Although there is a certain comfort in picking and choosing from many different profiles, you still have the same uncertainty as with the more traditional methods:
the trust factor.
- Is the person you are interested in being totally honest with you?
- Do they really look the same in real life as their profile picture?
- Do they really prefer cats over dogs?
- Does he/she really love camping and long hikes in the woods?
This is where Internet dating and traditional dating resembles each other the most.
You never really know until you meet and spend time with the actual person.
Internet Dating Vs Traditional Dating
So in the end, which method is best for finding your soul mate?
The answer is either.
In today’s society it’s so easy to just click a button and search for love, but ultimately it’s about the time and effort you put in that counts.
No magic wands, no fairy god mothers just good old fashioned time, effort and of course faith that eventually love will ultimately find you (whether it’s digital or otherwise).
Either way, love is out there and you just have to figure out what works best for you.
– Pillow Talk Gal
About Pillow Talk Gal
Born and raised in British Columbia, she is a professional woman managing a career, marriage, and a teenager. Life can be challenging at times but she's a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason, and more often than not, she tries to understand those reasons.
"Join me in my journey throughout life’s issues and I guarantee you’ll be left pondering an issue or two." - Pillow Talk Gal
*Disclaimer:
the views of the author do not necessarily represent the views of Franktalks.com.
It is important to present different views/mindsets, and that includes material that may be deemed controversial in nature.
the views of the author do not necessarily represent the views of Franktalks.com.
It is important to present different views/mindsets, and that includes material that may be deemed controversial in nature.
********
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Have something to Add?
Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.
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Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.
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To Belly Dance or Not To Belly Dance
To Belly Dance Or Not To Belly Dance
Written by: Pillow Talk Gal
Updated February 28, 2018
When I was asked if I wanted to take part in a belly dancing class and write an article about it, I was really excited. Then, the more I thought about it the more I began to worry a little. I have never really attended any kind of dance class (if you don’t count when I was little) so belly dancing seemed like a bit of a leap. I have to admit though; I was curious and nervous at the same time.
The day of my first class had finally arrived and my excitement/curiosity had made me almost an hour early. At least parking was a breeze (I found a spot literally in front of the building). I had some extra time to kill, so I decided to sit in the park right across from the dance studio. Despite the honking of cars and bustle of the city, it was very relaxing and helped to calm my nerves a little bit.
Then, before I knew it, it was time to meet the group and start my belling dancing experience.
I was met by Brooke Megan (teacher and belly dance guru) with the warmest of smiles and the most welcoming of greetings.
The studio had a very warm and inviting vibe and I was instantly put at ease.
Brooke Megan Belly Dancer
An introduction to the rest of my fellow dancers was given and everyone was gracious and friendly towards me (the new comer). Students had the option to bring their own hip scarves or to choose one from Brooke’s wide, not to mention beautiful, collection. Not having any of my own, I chose one of Brookes’ (I would later find out that she’s owned this particular hip scarf for 8 years- no pressure).
Once everyone was ready to begin, we all took our seats on our mats and Brooke began her introduction to what holistic belly dancing is all about.
Brooke Megan Belly Dancer
Brooke’s view is that
‘’Dance is more than just a series of movements, and by underscoring its strong links to mental and spiritual health, it can be used to guide women toward a greater understanding of self’’.
The class was a safe space where women could share their thoughts and emotions without judgement. After Brookes’ explanations, we all sat in our circle and experienced the openness of touch with one another.
We all paired up and gave our partners hand massages using essentials oils (this exercise is practiced openly to learn to relax and give of ourselves but also to receive from others.
Also it helps one to be open to new experiences and emotions by letting go of any negative energy we may have stored up).
Brooke Megan - Belly Dance Classes
We were given a small demonstration as to how to massage the hand then we were off (of course it is clearly mentioned by Brooke that any and all activities done in the classroom are not forced upon students and anytime anyone is not comfortable with something, they are free to sit out with no judgement or issues). This said, I sat back and allowed my partner to give me my hand massage.
At first, I was clearly not relaxed as my partner was so keenly able to detect (by simply feeling how tense my forearm was). Then as she calmly told me to relax and enjoy, I found myself surrendering to the calming music playing in the background and found that my massage was actually very pleasant.
I found myself letting go of my tension and just giving into the moment.
Once we had given and received our hand massages, we gathered in our circle once more and captured what we had taken away from the experience, in our journals.
The group then proceeded to share their thoughts on the massage exercise and what they had taken away from the experience. I myself shared how impressed I was with my partner’s ability to almost immediately detect where I was holding all my tension in my forearm (carpal tunnel syndrome- a common job hazard among writers) and therefore she was able to relieve some of the pain.
Brooke Megan - Belly Dance Classes
Now that our spirits were open and our emotional palettes were cleansed, it was time to warm up our bodies and belly dance. We started by stretching out and getting our muscles ready. Then came the moment I had been so anxious about: experiencing what belly dancing was all about.
Poses and stances were front and center and I awoke muscles my body seemed to have forgotten I had.
We observed ourselves in the studio mirrors so as to mimic what Brooke was showing us (to the best of our abilities).
Brooke gave us a phenomenal example of what we could eventually accomplish with these wonderful moves and she performed for the entire class.
It inspired us all and definitely made me want to give it a whirl.
Brooke Megan - Belly Dancing Classes
The amazing part is by this time I wasn’t feeling self conscience at all. I was totally comfortable in the environment that Brooke had created for the class.
We all moved to the music, holding our belly dance poses and receiving encouragement from each other and Brooke.
The aspect that surprised me the most is that as a woman, I have spent the better part of my life trying to make my body giggle as little as possible.
Now, I was being encouraged to shake all my little bits as much as I could and it was fabulous! No shame, just pure liberation and enjoyment of the female form in all its glory.
As we danced and learned how to move our bodies, time seemed to just fly by. Before I knew it, the class had come to an end and it was time to cool down. Brooke gave each and every one individual high-fives and congratulations on a job well done. It was such a rewarding experience.
Brooke Megan - Belly Dance Classes
So that marked the end of my first belly dancing experience (the first of many to come). As I said my goodbyes to my fellow belly dancers, I mentioned how I was looking forward to the next class.
I made my way home and discovered that I had a level of renewed energy and optimism that I have not felt in a very long time. I felt a boost both mentally and physically (even though my muscles were telling me otherwise).
I am so looking forward to next week’s class.
Namaste!
-Pillow Talk Gal
About Pillow Talk Gal
Born and raised in British Columbia, she is a professional woman managing a career, marriage, and a teenager. Life can be challenging at times but she's a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason, and more often than not, she tries to understand those reasons.
"Join me in my journey throughout life’s issues and I guarantee you’ll be left pondering an issue or two." - Pillow Talk Gal
*Disclaimer: All photos of Brooke Megan are copyright Brooke Megan and all persons in the photos retain all their rights, interest and titles in the photos. All photos appear here with written permission on file with Brooke Megan.
About Brooke Megan and House of Lavender
- Holistic Belly Dance Group
Located at: 5582A Sherbrooke Street O, Montreal, QC H4A 1W3
Telephone number: 514-814-7557
Face book page: House of Lavender: Beauty and Wellness
Brooke Megan has been teaching belly dancing for 8 years and has extensive experience in dance through her teaching at Carlton University in Ottawa.
She herself was introduced to belly dancing through group lessons and was compelled to share this wonderful art form with others. She has performed at the Shenkman Art Centre in Ottawa, various art galleries and cafes. Her goal in offering belly dance lessons is to educate people with regards to the beauty and strength of exotic dance. She wants to have people experience this art form at a grass roots level.
Her six week program is open to all who wish to explore their creative side all the while relieving stress and getting fit.
For more information call 514-814-7557 or check out her Face book page: House of Lavender: Beauty and Wellness
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radio appearance: Ask Frank Anything
May 31, 2017 Dating Dilemmas 82,
This is Frank Kermit's 123rd appearance on Passion radio program. Airs on Montreal CJAD 800 's.
Frank Kermit joins producer and host Dr Laurie Betito and Fritz-Gerald of Elite Speed Dating to talk about the Dating Dilemmas people face.
Ever meet someone great, but still rejected them?
Was everything great, except for chemistry?
What was the weakest reason you ever left someone?
Is it really that hard to meet and date someone?
as well as more information about Speed Dating
This is Frank Kermit's 123rd appearance on Passion radio program. Airs on Montreal CJAD 800 's.
Frank Kermit joins producer and host Dr Laurie Betito and Fritz-Gerald of Elite Speed Dating to talk about the Dating Dilemmas people face.
Ever meet someone great, but still rejected them?
Was everything great, except for chemistry?
What was the weakest reason you ever left someone?
Is it really that hard to meet and date someone?
as well as more information about Speed Dating
Secrets of Speed Dating
Fritz-Gerald
of Elite Speed Dating
Wrote the Introduction To This Frank Talks Book:
The Frank Guide
to Speed Dating:
Make the Most
of Your Minutes Together
Dr. Laurie Betito
Wrote the Introduction To This Frank Talks Book:
FrankTalks Volume 1:
100 Articles on Love, Sex, Dating and Relationships
Get this book free when you sign up for the newsletter
Learn Storytelling for Dating
This FrankTalks Book:
The Frank Storytelling Program for Dating
was Dedicated to
Fritz-Gerald
of Elite Speed Dating.
This FrankTalks Book
FrankTalks Volume 2:
50 Articles on Love, Sex, Dating and Relationships
was Dedicated to
Dr. Laurie Betito
More articles from Frank Kermit
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Some personalized birthday ideas are explored in this contributed post.
birthday cake https://tinyurl.com/y9yv3nsx
I always try to make sure I plan to perfect birthday for my husband. I know that many of my readers also have partners, and so I wanted to release an article that gives you some great ideas. If you struggle to organise the celebrations for your loved one, you can use this post as inspiration. At the end of the day, you just need to show them that you care. You also need to make them feel special for that one day out of the year. Don’t worry if you haven’t got a lot of money to spend at the moment. A happy birthday isn’t about how much cash you throw at it, and there are always ways in which you can make savings.
Search for quirky gifts
Regardless of how much you can afford to spend, you’ll want to get your partner something different for their birthday. When all’s said and done, they have cash of their own. So, if they wanted anything from a high street shop, they’d probably go out and buy it. The experts behind Cuckooland's gifts for men say there are more quirky and unique product sites than ever before. So, you need to turn to the internet to find something interesting. You always find better prices online, and there is no reason to spend a fortune. Just select something that he probably hasn’t seen before.
Cook his favourite meal
Everyone likes to eat a decent meal on their birthday. So, you should remember your partner’s favourite dish and prepare it for his big day. You can also make some cookies or some other dessert he’ll love. Make a list of ingredients a couple of days in advance, so you have enough time to get them from your local store. You can then sit down and eat together during the early evening. You could also give him his gifts at the same time if you have children. They way, they can enjoy him opening the presents too. If you give them to your loved one in the morning, the kids might miss out because they have to go to school.
Spend time together
Lastly, I advise that whatever happens, you spend some time together. That could mean going out for a few drinks or staying home and cuddling on the sofa. In truth, it doesn’t matter how you spend your time so long as you’re by your partner’s side. When all’s said and done, there are only a few days each year in which you have to make each other feel special. So, plan something that will allow you to achieve that goal. Again, if you have children, you should think about involving them in any activities you organise.
As you can see from that advice, you don’t have to work hard to plan the perfect birthday. You just have to make sure you have some time together. Your partner isn’t going to care about gold Rolex watches or anything expensive. If they love you, they’ll feel happy just being in your company. One last thing; make sure both of you book the day off work. You deserve to take a break on such an important date.
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Goodbye Peter Sallis and Thank you
While a student in 1983, animator Nick Park wrote to Sallis asking him if he would voice his character Wallace, an eccentric inventor. Sallis agreed to do so for a donation of £50 to his favourite charity.[26] The work was eventually released in 1989 and Aardman Animations' Wallace and Gromit: A Grand Day Out went on to great success winning a BAFTA award
While a student in 1983, animator Nick Park wrote to Sallis asking him if he would voice his character Wallace, an eccentric inventor. Sallis agreed to do so for a donation of £50 to his favourite charity.[26] The work was eventually released in 1989 and Aardman Animations' Wallace and Gromit: A Grand Day Out went on to great success winning a BAFTA award
Sallis reprised his role in the the Oscar and BAFTA Award winning films The Wrong Trousers in 1993 and A Close Shave in 1995.
Though the characters were temporarily retired in 1996, Sallis returned to voice Wallace in several short films and in the Oscar-winning 2005 motion picture Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit, for which he won an Annie Award for Best Voice Acting in an Animated Feature Production
n 2008, Sallis voiced a new Wallace and Gromit adventure, A Matter of Loaf and Death. His last role as Wallace was in 2010's Wallace and Gromit's World of Invention.[6] Sallis then retired due to ill health, with Ben Whitehead taking over the role.
Thank You Peter Sallis. and Good bye.
Updated on March 1, 2018
Mourning A Loss
- Published on
What if we could PVR our relationship?
What if we could "PVR" our relationships?
Written by: Pillow Talk Gal
The other day I had a thought...what if we could use a PVR to manage our relationships.
What I mean by this is,
we could use all the features a PVR provides us with
but apply those features to our daily lives and relationships.
Here's a for instance, the moments that you just would rather forget (like the rude comment your significant other happened to make over breakfast that morning, or the terrible time you had on your date the night before) you could FWD (fast forward).
You could just zip through the bad moments like they never even happened and go on with your life.
Of course some would say this doesn’t solve anything but sometimes we just need to forget things and move on (a denial button is so much less appealing).
Then there are the times you want to relish and hold on to forever.
Your first date, first kiss or even the time your better half surprised you with a wonderful, romantic dinner out.
These would be the special moments you could either RWD (rewind) or PAUSE.
Who doesn’t want to remember the great stuff?
Next are those moments you never want to end...for those, you could press "record" and watch them over and over again.
There’s the first time you saw the love of your life, or the time you just fell asleep together watching a movie at his place.
Even the time your had the flu and he took care of you by making you soup and giving you your medicine.
Just press ‘’record’’ and relive those wonderful memories whenever you feel like it.
There’s the first time you saw the love of your life, or the time you just fell asleep together watching a movie at his place.
Even the time your had the flu and he took care of you by making you soup and giving you your medicine.
Just press ‘’record’’ and relive those wonderful memories whenever you feel like it.
If we could PVR our relationships,
what happens the moment you've run out of memory and you need to start deleting things?
How do we decide what to delete and what to keep?
Sometimes by keeping certain memories alive we learn from our mistakes and make better choices in the future.
That’s a memory worth making room for;
it could come in handy at a later time.
That brings up another interesting feature....more memory (RAM).
Would this give us the unbelievable ability to remember all the good times, forget all the bad and delete the forgettable ones all together?
When things get a little crazy, there is also the possibility of having to reboot your PVR entirely...which can be scary but at the same time could provide the opportunity for a clean slate in life (romantic or otherwise).
Of course the rest of the time you could just let life cruise on "play" mode because you would know that if anything came up you have the nifty little features I mentioned, to do with as you please.
With all the advances in technology these days I can't help but wonder....how long until I can PVR my life?
-Pillow Talk Gal
About Pillow Talk Gal
Born and raised in British Columbia, she is a professional woman managing a career, marriage, and a teenager. Life can be challenging at times but she's a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason, and more often than not, she tries to understand those reasons.
"Join me in my journey throughout life’s issues and I guarantee you’ll be left pondering an issue or two." - Pillow Talk Gal
To read Pillow Talk Gal's last post, click HERE
Born and raised in British Columbia, she is a professional woman managing a career, marriage, and a teenager. Life can be challenging at times but she's a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason, and more often than not, she tries to understand those reasons.
"Join me in my journey throughout life’s issues and I guarantee you’ll be left pondering an issue or two." - Pillow Talk Gal
To read Pillow Talk Gal's last post, click HERE
********
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Have something to Add?
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P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree?
Have something to Add?
Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.
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Bad Sex? Speak Up! Tell Your Sex Partner, Not Your Friends!
Bad Sex? Speak Up!
by Kristin Casey
In response and review of a New Your Magazine Article
As an intimacy coach, my time is spent immersed in topics of dating, relationships, and sexuality. Aside from working directly with clients, I keep up on relevant research, articles, books, opinion pieces, and the occasional, well-thought-out blog.
A variety of evolving attitudes and perspectives informs my work and feeds my passion. Half of what I read is inspiring and encouraging.
The other half…not so much.
A recent piece in NYMag.com (a copy of said article is at the bottom of this post, for the purposes of fair use fair copying as a review of the article, and to provide a balanced perspective) relayed the experiences of female college students, a diverse population of smart, savvy, autonomous adults, who feel something between chagrined and victimized, by a widespread epidemic of bad sex.
The premise of the article seems to be that this situation needs further interrogation.
That this “vast expanse of bad sex — joyless, exploitative encounters that reflect a persistently sexist culture” needs to be acknowledged.
The question is, by whom?
If, like me, you’re thinking by the dissatisfied women’s partners, of course,
you’ll want to read on.
Here are a few key points from the article:
- The title, “The Game Is Rigged—why sex that’s consensual can still be bad and why we’re not talking about it” seems to presume two things. First, that by default, men have all the control and are taking unfair advantage of it, and second, that the only thing a woman must do to ensure she isn’t to blame for bad sex is consent.
- They Make Assumptions. When these women don’t like the way a man touches them in bed, they can’t or won’t bring themselves to say anything about it because they “assume it won’t matter to him.”
- The question was posed, “how can they [women] get guys to get them off?” (Seriously, that was an actual question, as if the phrase ‘let me show you how to get me off’ never occurred to them.)
- A woman gets drunk at a campus party thrown by men she doesn’t know. She makes out with more than a couple of them, then the next day feels weird, confused, and dissatisfied by “what went down.” She eventually decides “campus feminism” is at fault for acting like Yes and No are simple concepts. (I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Literally, there is nothing simpler in the entire universe than Yes or No.)
The above sampling of learned helplessness is not an anomaly.
I hear this stuff from women all the time, daily, in person and online. I’ve been hearing it since my teens. (I’m currently 49.) I could write a book on this topic, and maybe someday I will.
For now, my question is,
Where is the accountability?
Where is any attempt to take personal responsibility for one’s choices, behavior, and sex life?
Where is any indication these women understand they have as much control as the man in bed—as much as they choose to wield, in fact—and with that control comes not just the power but the duty to be as “good” as they expect him to be?
My next question is, what is this nebulous force “campus feminism” and why is it tasked with addressing these women’s problem?
Why aren’t the sexually dissatisfied women—presumably feminists themselves—addressing it with their individual sex partners?
(I hate to point out the obvious, but honestly, I feel like I just solved their entire problem.)
I hear this stuff from women all the time, daily, in person and online. I’ve been hearing it since my teens. (I’m currently 49.) I could write a book on this topic, and maybe someday I will.
For now, my question is,
Where is the accountability?
Where is any attempt to take personal responsibility for one’s choices, behavior, and sex life?
Where is any indication these women understand they have as much control as the man in bed—as much as they choose to wield, in fact—and with that control comes not just the power but the duty to be as “good” as they expect him to be?
My next question is, what is this nebulous force “campus feminism” and why is it tasked with addressing these women’s problem?
Why aren’t the sexually dissatisfied women—presumably feminists themselves—addressing it with their individual sex partners?
(I hate to point out the obvious, but honestly, I feel like I just solved their entire problem.)
This quote from the article is most illuminating.
A 29-year-old editorial director of a well-known feminist website, has just described her longstanding unsatisfying sex life.
She winds up feeling bad for not having done the work of telling her partners how to make her feel good.
“What I want is not for me to have that burden. I want one of my male partners, who are wonderful men who care about me, to have just once been like, ‘No, this is unacceptable to me. I’m not going to continue to have sex with you when you’re not getting off!’ And I can’t imagine that happening.”
To be clear, this thing she pines for yet can’t imagine happening, is a fairytale scenario, akin to waving a hanky for a prince to ride up to save her.
Is this what we’re calling empowerment now?
Is this how “campus feminism”—or any feminism—works?
(No, it’s absolutely not.)
The burden?
The “burden” of learning what brings a woman sexual pleasure belongs to her alone.
The burden of conveying that information to her partner(s) is also hers alone.
It’s not only unreasonable to place the burden on men, it’s illogical.
Even more absurd, is an outspoken, influential feminist stating on record, without a hint of irony, that she can’t be expected to experience sexual pleasure until it’s presented to her, by a man, on a silver platter.
This isn’t how feminism works.
More importantly, it’s not how good sex works.
Yet this willful obtuseness is pervasive.
A few examples off the top of my head:
- She Still Had Sex?: A woman I know (in her late-20s, professionally accomplished with an advanced degree) met a man on Tinder and invited him to her home, only to discover she wasn’t attracted to him in person. Though she said he seemed perfectly nice and unthreatening, instead of calling off the tryst, she made the decision to have sex with him “because it felt like the path of least resistance.” After he left, she sent him a rage-filled text for “allowing” her to go through with it. She stated that he should’ve sensed her disinterest and bowed out of his own accord. (Because he didn’t read her mind and act as her moral compass for her, she was livid.)
- Great Fatigue?: I once heard a woman say that the process of insisting on condom use caused her “great fatigue.” (Is she having sex on a treadmill? How much energy does it take to say “deal-breaker, dude”?)
- How Dare He Ask Her What She Likes?: At a group lunch recently, a friend of a friend complained about new lovers who ask her “what do you like?” in bed. The other women at the table laughed mockingly at these nameless men with their awkward ignorance. (She refused to answer the offending question posed by her hapless lovers, by the way, and instead would wait till later to gleefully chastise them to friends.)
- Saying Nothing At All? At the same luncheon, minutes later, another woman expressed dismay about men who mimic porn moves in bed. She called them cartoonish and ignorant. When I asked what she said or did to redirect their behavior in ways she found more pleasurable, she and the entire table stared at me blankly. (Because I’m the one who doesn’t get it!?)
The above anecdotes were shared amongst women only,
done so after the fact.
More recently, I witnessed an online verbal attack directed at a man. On a popular feminist blog, in the comment section, a thoughtful and sensitive young man expressed insecurity about his general datability and sexual performance. He then made a casual observation suggesting women have it easier in bed (since women, more than men, are given the option to be passive during sex). It didn’t go over well.
He was verbally abused, rudely shut down, and blatantly denied the space to share his honest experiences, simply because they weren’t in-line with the going narrative, constructed by female commenters—a narrative, I might add, about the male experience. One reply in particular, struck me as exceptionally insensitive. An angry, accusatory young woman refused to believe this man (or any man) could be effected by expectations beyond that of his current partner. She said all he had to do was find an understanding girlfriend and “boom.” He’d cease to feel stress, pressure, or self-doubt about his manliness. She insisted societal expectations weren’t a “thing” for men. They’re only a thing for women. This, on a website known for long thought pieces on rape culture, internalized misogyny, fat shaming, cat calling, trigger warnings, safe spaces, and bullying in all forms. (Well, almost all forms, it would seem.)
Compassion For Men
It is stressful for a man to enter every sexual scenario believing his “man badge” is on the line. Why is that hard to believe?
(Especially by women who find it overwhelmingly stressful to say anything along the lines of “please touch me differently.”)
A man’s entire life is comprised of win/lose moments. They’re raised to be competitive, to earn their stripes by impressing the rest of The Pack. These rigid masculine roles are so ingrained as to be systemic.
Men are bombarded from all directions, by parents, peers, society at large, and their own internalized image of what “real” men are.
Of course, some women are ambitious too and prioritize career success, but in our society that’s considered their option.
For men, it’s an expectation. It’s placed on them at birth.
That burden is integral to the male experience.
Men labor (literally) under the belief they’re 100% responsible for every success or failure in life, including every sexual encounter.
That’s how sex becomes about scoring points and being a stud, versus sharing intimacy and pleasure with a partner.
Complicit in this skewed vision of what constitutes “good sex” is every woman who wanted something different—more foreplay, a softer touch, less tongue, more tongue, or whatever special (or banal) thing happens to turn her on—and failed to convey those specific desires to her partner.
It is stressful for a man to enter every sexual scenario believing his “man badge” is on the line. Why is that hard to believe?
(Especially by women who find it overwhelmingly stressful to say anything along the lines of “please touch me differently.”)
A man’s entire life is comprised of win/lose moments. They’re raised to be competitive, to earn their stripes by impressing the rest of The Pack. These rigid masculine roles are so ingrained as to be systemic.
Men are bombarded from all directions, by parents, peers, society at large, and their own internalized image of what “real” men are.
Of course, some women are ambitious too and prioritize career success, but in our society that’s considered their option.
For men, it’s an expectation. It’s placed on them at birth.
That burden is integral to the male experience.
Men labor (literally) under the belief they’re 100% responsible for every success or failure in life, including every sexual encounter.
That’s how sex becomes about scoring points and being a stud, versus sharing intimacy and pleasure with a partner.
Complicit in this skewed vision of what constitutes “good sex” is every woman who wanted something different—more foreplay, a softer touch, less tongue, more tongue, or whatever special (or banal) thing happens to turn her on—and failed to convey those specific desires to her partner.
It’s time for archaic gender roles to be put to bed (so to speak).
But if men are to shift their perspective—if we expect them to drop the “stud role,” with its performance-oriented approach to sex—what then?
As is made clear in the NYMag article, women can’t or won’t state their needs, much less take charge in bed.
If they’re so unhappy with the way men are doing it, when will they ever speak up?
When will they become participants in bed, instead of passive, silent, disgruntled audience members writing scathing reviews after the fact?
But if men are to shift their perspective—if we expect them to drop the “stud role,” with its performance-oriented approach to sex—what then?
As is made clear in the NYMag article, women can’t or won’t state their needs, much less take charge in bed.
If they’re so unhappy with the way men are doing it, when will they ever speak up?
When will they become participants in bed, instead of passive, silent, disgruntled audience members writing scathing reviews after the fact?
The dissatisfied women in the article cited power imbalances as the cause of all their problems. In a way, I suppose that’s true. Yet women can reclaim their power at any time by
1) finding their voices and
2) using them.
And not to freelance journalists or to each other,
but to their male partners.
Women who cannot ask for what they want in bed,
shouldn’t even be having sex.
They’re better off in a tower somewhere,
waving a hanky out the window,
awaiting a fairytale prince to save them.
About The Author
Kristin Casey is an intimacy coach in Austin, Texas. She works exclusively with male clients, specializing in overcoming performance anxiety, dissociation, various forms of dysfunction, and related intimacy issues.
http://www.KCaseyConsulting.com
www.Facebook.com/IntimacyCoachATX
Kristin Casey is an intimacy coach in Austin, Texas. She works exclusively with male clients, specializing in overcoming performance anxiety, dissociation, various forms of dysfunction, and related intimacy issues.
http://www.KCaseyConsulting.com
www.Facebook.com/IntimacyCoachATX
*Disclaimer:
the views of the author do not necessarily represent the views of Franktalks.com.
It is important to present different views/mindsets, and that includes material that may be deemed controversial in nature.
**Disclaimer:
The Articles produced in this post were written by the authors and all rights, titles and interests in these articles belong to the authors (or whoever they assigned those rights too). These articles are published here and are used herein under Fair Use and Fair Copying for the purposes of reviews, and remain the property of the author.
the views of the author do not necessarily represent the views of Franktalks.com.
It is important to present different views/mindsets, and that includes material that may be deemed controversial in nature.
**Disclaimer:
The Articles produced in this post were written by the authors and all rights, titles and interests in these articles belong to the authors (or whoever they assigned those rights too). These articles are published here and are used herein under Fair Use and Fair Copying for the purposes of reviews, and remain the property of the author.
SEX ON CAMPUS
The Game Is Rigged
Why sex that’s consensual can still be bad. And why we’re not talking about it.
By Rebecca Traister
Last winter, Reina Gattuso was a Harvard senior majoring in literature and gender studies and writing a biweekly column for the college newspaper, the Crimson. She covered a variety of subjects, among them her sexuality (she identifies as queer) and Harvard’s byzantine class hierarchies, and she wrote a regular feature called “Four Dollar Wine Critic.” In February, she dedicated her column to the subject of sexist sex.
Gattuso is not against sex by any means. “I don’t say yes. I say oh, yes. I say yes, please,” she wrote. And she did say yes at a booze-soaked party hosted by a group of men she didn’t know. One of the men told her that because she was bisexual, he assumed she was “particularly down to fuck.” He said she could make out with his girlfriend if she would hook up with another of the men.
“I have so much to drink my memory becomes dark water, brief flashes when I flicker up for air,” Gattuso wrote. “I’m being kissed. There’s a boy, then another boy. I keep asking if I’m pretty. I keep saying yes.” But in the morning, she wrote, “I feel weird about what went down” and was unsure how to express her feelings of dissatisfaction and confusion over “such a fucked-up experience.”
Eventually, she realized that what she was grappling with was not just the night in question but also the failure of campus feminism to address those kinds of experiences. We tend to talk about consent “as an individual process,” she wrote, “not asking ‘What kinds of power are operating in this situation?’ but only ‘Did you or did you not say yes?’ ” Feminists, she continued, “sometimes talk about ‘yes’ and ‘no’ like they’re uncomplicated … But ethical sex is hard. And it won’t stop being hard until we … minimize, as much as possible, power imbalances related to sex.”
It may feel as though contemporary feminists are always talking about the power imbalances related to sex, thanks to the recently robust and radical campus campaigns against rape and sexual assault. But contemporary feminism’s shortcomings may lie in not its overradicalization but rather its underradicalization. Because, outside of sexual assault, there is little critique of sex. Young feminists have adopted an exuberant, raunchy, confident, righteously unapologetic, slut-walking ideology that sees sex — as long as it’s consensual — as an expression of feminist liberation. The result is a neatly halved sexual universe, in which there is either assault or there is sex positivity. Which means a vast expanse of bad sex — joyless, exploitative encounters that reflect a persistently sexist culture and can be hard to acknowledge without sounding prudish — has gone largely uninterrogated, leaving some young women wondering why they feel so fucked by fucking.
Feminism has a long, complicated relationship to sex, one that has cycled from embrace to critique and back again. By the time a generation of women woke feminism from its backlash slumber around the millennium, the sex wars of the 1980s were long over. Some second-wave feminists, including Andrea Dworkin and Catharine MacKinnon, had seen sex, pornography, and sexism as all of a piece, finding it impossible to pick the strands of pleasure from the suffocating fabric of oppression. So-called sex-positive feminists — Ellen Willis, Joan Nestle, Susie Bright — set themselves against what they saw as this puritanical slant. The sex-positive crusaders won the war for a million reasons, perhaps especially because their work offered optimism: that sexual agency and equality were available to women, that we were not destined to live our sexual lives as objects or victims, that we could take our pleasures and our power too. They won because sex can be fun and thrilling and because, for the most part, human beings want very badly to partake of it.
So it was only natural that when feminism was resurrected by young women creating a new movement, it was self-consciously sex friendly, insouciant in its approach to the signs and symbols of objectification. No one would ever mistake these feminists for humorless harridans or frigid dick-rejectors. But the underpinning philosophy had shifted slightly. Sex positivity was originally a term used to describe a theory of women, sex, and power; it advocated for any kind of sexual behavior — from kink to celibacy to conscious power play — that women might enjoy on their own terms and not on terms dictated by a misogynistic culture. Now it has become shorthand for a brand of feminism that was a cheerleader for, not a censor of, sex — all sex. Feminism’s sexual focus narrowed in on one issue: coercion and violence. Sex that took place without clear consent wasn’t even sex; it was rape.
In this line of thinking, sex after yes, sex without violence or coercion, is good. Sex is feminist. And empowered women are supposed to enjoy the hell out of it. In fact, Alexandra Brodsky, a Yale law student and founder of anti-rape organization Know Your IX, tells me that she has heard from women who feel that “not having a super-exciting, super-positive sex life is in some ways a political failure.”
Except that young women don’t always enjoy sex — and not because of any innately feminine psychological or physical condition. The hetero (and non-hetero, but, let’s face it, mostly hetero) sex on offer to young women is not of very high quality, for reasons having to do with youthful ineptitude and tenderness of hearts, sure, but also the fact that the game remains rigged.
It’s rigged in ways that go well beyond consent. Students I spoke to talked about “male sexual entitlement,” the expectation that male sexual needs take priority, with men presumed to take sex and women presumed to give it to them. They spoke of how men set the terms, host the parties, provide the alcohol, exert the influence. Male attention and approval remain the validating metric of female worth, and women are still (perhaps increasingly) expected to look and fuck like porn stars — plucked, smooth, their pleasure performed persuasively. Meanwhile, male climax remains the accepted finish of hetero encounters; a woman’s orgasm is still the elusive, optional bonus round. Then there are the double standards that continue to redound negatively to women: A woman in pursuit is loose or hard up; a man in pursuit is healthy and horny. A woman who says no is a prude or a cock tease; a man who says no is rejecting the woman in question. And now these sexual judgments cut in two directions: Young women feel that they are being judged either for having too much sex, or for not having enough, or enough good, sex. Finally, young people often have very drunk sex, which in theory means subpar sex for both parties, but which in practice is often worse (like, physically worse) for women.
As Olive Bromberg, a 22-year-old genderqueer sophomore at Evergreen State, sees it, modern notions of sex positivity only reinforce this gendered power imbalance. “There seems to be an assumption that is ‘Oh, you’re sexual, that means you’ll be sexual with me,’” Bromberg says. “It feeds into this sense of male sexual entitlement via sexual liberation of oneself, and it’s really fucked.”
And again, this is all part of consensual sex, the kind that is supposed to be women’s feminist reward. There’s a whole other level of confusion around the smudgy margins when it comes to experiences like the one I had at college 20 years ago. It was an encounter that today’s activists might call “rape”; which feminist hobgoblin Katie Roiphe, whose anti-rape-activist screed The Morning After was then all the rage, would have called “bad sex”; and which I understood at the time to be not atypical of much of the sex available to my undergraduate peers: drunk, brief, rough, debatably agreed upon, and not one bit pleasurable. It was an encounter to which I consented for complicated reasons, and in which my body participated but I felt wholly absent.
“A lot of sex feels like this,” Gattuso wrote in May, after her popular Crimson columns drew the attention of Feministing, a website at which she has since become a contributor. “Sex where we don’t matter. Where we may as well not be there. Sex where we don’t say no, because we don’t want to say no, sex where we say yes even, when we’re even into it, but where we fear … that if we did say no, or if we don’t like the pressure on our necks or the way they touch us, it wouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t count, because we don’t count.”
This is not pearl-clutching over the moral or emotional hazards of “hookup culture.” This is not an objection to promiscuity or to the casual nature of some sexual encounters. First of all, studies have shown that today’s young people are actually having less sex than their parents did. Second, old-fashioned relationships, from courtship to marriage, presented their own risks for women. Having humiliating sex with a man who treats you terribly at a frat party is bad but not inherently worse than being publicly shunned for having had sex with him, or being unable to obtain an abortion after getting pregnant by him, or being doomed to have disappointing sex with him for the next 50 years. But it’s still bad in ways that are worth talking about.
Maya Dusenbery, editorial director at Feministing, says that she increasingly hears questions from young women on college campuses that are “not just about violence but all the other bullshit they’re dealing with sexually — how they can get guys to get them off, for instance. I think they need feminists to put forth a positive alternative vision for what sex could be and isn’t. And it’s not just about rape. That’s not the only reason that sexual culture is shitty.”
And it’s not as if that culture disappears upon graduation. Dusenbery, who is now 29, speaks of her “great feminist shame”: After a decade of sexual activity, she very often still doesn’t get off. “In one way that feels so superficial, but then, if I believe sexual pleasure is important, that’s terrible! Come on, Maya! Communicate!” She winds up feeling bad for not having done the work of telling her partners how to make her feel good. “What I want is not for me to have that burden. I want one of my male partners, who are wonderful men who care about me, to have just once been like, ‘No, this is unacceptable to me. I’m not going to continue to have sex with you when you’re not getting off!’ And I can’t imagine that happening.”
Gattuso, who is now on a Fulbright fellowship in India, writes to me in an email: “I sometimes think that in our real, deep, important feminist desire to communicate that sexual violence is absolutely and utterly not okay … we can forget that we are often hurt in ways more subtle and persistent … And we can often totally forget that at the end of the day, sex is also about pleasure.”
Pleasure! Women want pleasure, or at least an equal shot at it. That doesn’t mean some prim quid-pro-quo sexual chore-chart. No one’s saying that sex can’t be complicated and perverse, its pleasures reliant — for some — on riffing on old power imbalances. But its complications can and should be mutually borne, offering comparable degrees of self-determination and satisfaction to women and men.
After all, sex is also, still, political. Contemporary feminism asks us to acknowledge that women “can have as many partners as men, initiate sex as freely as men, without being brutalized and stigmatized, and that’s great,” says Salamishah Tillet, a professor of English and Africana studies at the University of Pennsylvania and a co-founder of A Long Walk Home, an organization that works to end violence against women. The problem arises, she continues, with the feeling that “that alone will mean we’re equal. That alone is not an answer to a system of persistent sexual domination or exploitation. These women are still having these encounters within that larger structure, and men are not being asked to think of the women having sex as their equal partners.”
The black feminist tradition has never completely bought into sex positivity as a means toward a political end. Stereotypes of hypersexualization have always made it harder for black women to be believed as victims of sexual assault and also made it harder for them to engage in a sex-positive culture. Just last year, bell hooks startled an audience during an interview by suggesting that “the face of … liberatory sexuality” for black women might be celibacy.
I am not suggesting that contemporary feminism do away with its sex-positive framework or with its anti-rape activism. But it may need to add a new angle of critique. Describing the strain of popular sex positivity often simply understood as “You get it, girl,” Brodsky says, “I think of it sometimes as Lean In for good sex. In that there are these structural factors that are conspiring against terrific sex, but at work or in the bedroom, if you have the magic word, if you try hard enough, if you are good enough, you can transcend those.” Like Lean In, this kind of sex boosterism can be very valuable. But, continues Brodsky, we need to add to it, just as we do in the workplace. “We need both collective solutions and individual solutions.”
Dusenbery imagines a world in which feminists stop using the language of combat — as in combating rape culture — and instead set out to promote a specific vision of what sexual equality could entail. “It would include so much more: from the orgasm gap to the truly criminal sexual miseducation of our youth to abortion rights to the sexual double standard. Broadening the scope would not only push us to provide the same kind of deep analysis that’s been developed around rape culture in recent years but also help us better see the connections between all the inequities in the sexual culture.”
One thing that’s clear is that feminists need to raise the bar for women’s sex lives way, way higher. “Sure, teaching consent to college freshmen may be necessary in a culture in which kids are graduating from high school thinking it’s okay to have sex with someone who is unconscious,” says Dusenbery. “But I don’t want us to ever lose sight of the fact that consent is not the goal. Seriously, God help us if the best we can say about the sex we have is that it was consensual.”
*This article appears in the October 19, 2015 issue of New York Magazine.
- Published on
Your Sexuality Is Your Birthright - Galen Fous
Towards Kink Positive Therapy
by Galen Robert Fous
Yesterday I was banned without notice from the Depth Psychology Alliance, a moderated Facebook group for Jungian oriented therapists.
I had posted a link to an interview I had done recently titled,
“The Personal Erotic Myth and the Rise of Fetishsexuality.”
I included this quote with the link from my Psychology Today interview by Michael Aaron based on my presentation to the AltSex NYC Conference
"When engaged consciously and allowed to express and embody with a consenting partner, these fierce explorations of our taboo, wild instinctual edges can offer a profound sense of empowerment and acceptance, as well as a full-body, soulful, exquisitely spent bliss from either side of the power exchange."
The group’s moderator accepted the post.
Several positive comments were made.
The third was an agitated comment from a therapist who stated that Kink is only a pathological expression of “someone incapable of love and intimacy,” and made a reference to how harmful it was to women and relationships when men want that kind of sex.
Several positive comments were made.
The third was an agitated comment from a therapist who stated that Kink is only a pathological expression of “someone incapable of love and intimacy,” and made a reference to how harmful it was to women and relationships when men want that kind of sex.
I replied that her view was outdated and an insult to the millions of men AND women engaging in consensual Kink.
I said I felt her views were similar to and as inaccurate as those held by therapists in the 1950’s about homosexuality.
She was rather livid that I would dare compare the “courageous struggle of gays and lesbians” to pathologically disturbed people engaging in Kink.
I said I felt her views were similar to and as inaccurate as those held by therapists in the 1950’s about homosexuality.
She was rather livid that I would dare compare the “courageous struggle of gays and lesbians” to pathologically disturbed people engaging in Kink.
Several more people joined the thread,
all favorable to my POV (point of view),
and some challenging the other therapist over how judgmental she was being.
I was getting excited at what I thought would be a very informative discussion about Kink within a professional psychological model I was very much at home in.
I was about to reply to someone’s comment,
and got notice the post had been removed.
I intended to contact the moderator to ask why and discovered that I no longer had access to the group.
I had been banned from the group without explanation nor notification.
all favorable to my POV (point of view),
and some challenging the other therapist over how judgmental she was being.
I was getting excited at what I thought would be a very informative discussion about Kink within a professional psychological model I was very much at home in.
I was about to reply to someone’s comment,
and got notice the post had been removed.
I intended to contact the moderator to ask why and discovered that I no longer had access to the group.
I had been banned from the group without explanation nor notification.
In response, I started a new thread on my Facebook page titled
“Kinkaphobia -
Are you a sex-therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist suffering from Kink-phobia?
Help is available.
Get treatment now before you harm any more patients that you have shamed, judged or diagnosed as suffering from a psychological disorder or addiction based on your moralistic, outdated, unsubstantiated, harmful beliefs about Kink oriented clients.
Shaming is not therapy.”
One of the replies to this thread was from someone in the DPA group who disclosed that right after my post was taken down, a new rule about posting was created.
"Any content determined to be inappropriate, in poor taste, or otherwise contrary to the purposes of the forum will be deleted and the poster risks being removed from the group.”
She (the person who informed me of the groups actions) commented further,
“The article you posted was totally relevant to Depth Psychology. If an equivalent article regarding working with gay clients were posted and a commentator said "Homosexuality is only a pathological expression of someone incapable of love and intimacy" - we would never accept that as a reason to delete a post. I am pretty (upset) about this.”
I am too.
And I hope this begins a wake-up call within the various academic, clinical and alternative therapeutic communities to become educated about Kink oriented sexuality
and stop shaming and pathologizing client’s seeking to come to terms with their sexual truth.
-Galen Robert Fous
And I hope this begins a wake-up call within the various academic, clinical and alternative therapeutic communities to become educated about Kink oriented sexuality
and stop shaming and pathologizing client’s seeking to come to terms with their sexual truth.
-Galen Robert Fous
*Disclaimer: the views of the author do not necessarily represent the views of Franktalks.com. It is important to present different views/mindsets, and that includes material that may be deemed controversial in nature.
About The Author
Galen Robert Fous MTP, is a Fetish Sex Expert, Psychotherapist and Sex Researcher. He studied Fetish Sexuality and Authentic Sexual Expression at Institute of Trans-personal Psychology and studied Psychology at Portland State University.
He is the author of the book:
Decoding Your Kink:
Guide to Explore Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires
He can be reached at http://www.galenfous.com/
Galen Robert Fous MTP, is a Fetish Sex Expert, Psychotherapist and Sex Researcher. He studied Fetish Sexuality and Authentic Sexual Expression at Institute of Trans-personal Psychology and studied Psychology at Portland State University.
He is the author of the book:
Decoding Your Kink:
Guide to Explore Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires
He can be reached at http://www.galenfous.com/
- Published on
*Disclaimer: the views of the author do not necessarily represent the views of Franktalks.com. It is important to present different views/mindsets, and that includes material that may be deemed controversial in nature.
5 Assumptions to Stop Making About Porn Stars and Sex Workers
Five General Assumptions About Porn Stars and Sex Workers
by Adhimu Stewart aka Malcolm Lovejoy
It's now the Springtime of 2017. Technology is at an all-time level of stupendous evolution. I was at OCAD - Ontario College of Art and Design two weeks ago, and I saw a man with a self-attached, metallic digital earpiece connected to the side his temple, and it extended into his ear like it was straight outta Star Trek: the Next Generation.
Google Earth can allow you to visually experience damn near anywhere on this planet from the comfort of your cozy chair in front of your computer. And Ocular Rift is genuinely brain-rearranging in its ability to transport us to unforeseen dimensions of inventive imaginative eye-popping experiences in life... and love and sex, of course!
As it is incalculable how important, nay, excruciatingly vital, the phenomenon of human sexuality has been in playing a primary, innovative, pioneering role in evolving virtually every aspect of human existence, from technology, family, finance, science, religion, justice to basic universal empathy;
sexuality is literally the lifeblood of reality.
You are here because two people had sex (unless you were born via in vitro fertilization,which also required two people's chemical interaction) and, sadly... the fact that two (or more) people simply chose to have some fun and have sex with each other STILL causes other people that ALSO are alive on earth because two other people had sex with each other, to get all messed-up in their morals and perspectives on others living a simple human life!
Let us learn how to stop the proverbial madness, once and for all.
The degree of decorum-destroying general disrespect that is unleashed ad nausea across the world by generations of less-than-enlightened individuals that completely forget some of the BASIC fundamental principals of a democratic society, and fail to maturely maintain that in a free and civilized nation, democracy and freedom applies to individual sexual philosophical selection as well.
This dangerous daily disrespect cannot be quantified enough.
And whether heard or unheard, unleashed violently or emotionally,
EVERY SINGLE ACT of denial and dishonor to human sexual freedom is downright wrong,
no matter how many likes some anti-woman sex-shaming meme gets liked or spread endlessly around the internet, nor how many people privately mutter some slanderous dirt about Belle Knox, Ciara & her new husband, Lindsay Lohan's list of lovers, Rihanna's badgyal image, Kirsten Stewart's infidelity to Robert Pattinson, the Brangelina/Jennifer Aniston thing, or Amber Rose's Slutwalk Initiative (or the original SlutWalk in Toronto, among other acts of resistance).
Between completely conscious, collaborative, consenting individuals, whether they are both 21 years old, or 42 years old (if not 82, I'm no ageist and I plan to be having sex until my last day on earth), there has NEVER been an act of safe, sacred and satisfying sexual connection that is worth the apocalyptic religious judgement, negative public stigma, familial shame and/or other detrimental damage done to anyone that has been "caught" enjoying their right to be a human being intimate with other human beings that seek to temporarily bask in the eternal bliss found in a hug, a kiss or any other form of connection we can courageously reach out for in this semi-selfish, harsh, hypocritical, cold world.
And thus far, I've mostly been focusing on people who DON'T have sex for money or on a professional basis of value-oriented economic exchange, just the illogical issues too many powerful and supposedly educated people still have about basic, simple sex!
Because honestly: regardless of the countless advances in technology we have accomplished as human beings collectively, sex is generally STILL struggling a very barely-evolved phenomenon across the modern world.
With men, women and people all being taught, manipulated, exploited, controlled, lied to, sold to, and screamed to by forces as big and influential as international organized religion, various educational institutions, the completely inconsistent and contradictory legal system, the partisan confusion preached by various levels of government, the increasingly unknown intentions of modern scientists... and you're supposed to somehow try and have a lifetime of fun with your genitalia and friends in an earthly environment THIS insane?
Good luck!!
I have no idea in the world about what acceptable areas and boundaries of intimacy we are supposed to have any unlimited fun within (much less make any money or exercise any constitutional liberty), facing as many internal and external obstacles as we collectively suffer with now.
And, with all that frustrated foreplay having been gushed out: one way I have realized I can constantly keep expanding the fun I feel is:
TO KNOW THE TRUTH,
and keep it as close as possible to the foundation of your feelings, thoughts and actions during every day of your literal life.
And from this vantage point of life understanding, I'd like to begin this article:
FIVE ASSUMPTIONS TO STOP MAKING
ABOUT PORN STARS AND SEX WORKERS IN 2017.
Some of these are new, some of them are not, but they are all still relevant and matter to me, my friends, my co-workers, my heroes, my heroines, my idols and my entire future.
Let's begin unlearning and relearning some things, shall we?
Assumption 1
That a porn star is the same wild person off-camera that they are on-camera, or a sex worker is always horny, and thus should always be sexually available.
There is very little difference between any actor, musician, porn star, or entertainer in Show Business. On a certain level, at the end of the day:
THEY ARE SIMPLY NOT THE SAME PERSON AT HOME AS THEY ARE AT WORK!
There may be some existential aspects or personality traits of their professional life that make an appearance in their private life, but for the most part, the reality is: what you are witnessing on screen and falling in love with IS A PERFORMER GIVING A PERFORMANCE, not necessarily the actual person you dream they are.
Maybe one of the best, and original examples of such moonlighting is:
Marilyn Monroe isn't actually named 'Marilyn Monroe'.
Her birth name was Norma Jean Mortenson, and, unsurprisingly, she was also not nearly as dumb as she acted on screen, fighting with studio executives and going head-to-head with the President, before her rather suspicious death.
I'm sure a lot of men and women get aroused by the idea that the actor/actress/acting person they're starstruck over is the witty writer and/or clever creator of the scintillating dialogue magically dripping off their lips and enchanting you eternally, or that they are the owner of all the clothes you love to see them dazzle you in, or that there's no embellishment, exaggeration or outside influence upon by the director or producer upon the final version of the image of the person you are dreaming to wake up beside.
But in porn, it's the same as Hollywood: times five.
Or more like times 69!
I know so many porn stars that have sex like wildebeests on MDMA and tasmanian devils on bath salts, but the moment it's time to stop having sex and start breathing and speaking like a normal muggle again, they simply devote their daytime energy to things like animal rights activism, promoting fitness/exercise culture, fighting for civil rights & justice, whether for reproductive freedom or for LGBTQ+ empowerment, if not some other body autonomy issue worth protesting and shouting at the devil over... or they are just a regular person that is cool with showing themselves have sex for money!
Sure, the world of porn can be a quite a life-consuming occupation for many participants, but it doesn't have to necessarily eclipse a porn star's entire reality when they are not getting sweaty and sexy for the camera.
There are married porn stars that have families and husbands/wives outside the industry that they go home to when they are off the clock.
There are porn stars that only do specific acts for money on camera, and may not EVER show their genitals, or other private parts of their body to the world.
Some BDSM practitioners might be known to paddle and flog in a particular signature skin-tight latex/leather outfit, but is on some Mariah Carey/Catholic Nun-level chastity as far as NEVER ONCE having their nipples, genitals or even bare skin be exposed to the world for all ogling eyes to see.
Not every day on the job requires actual penetrative sex, and thank goodness, because one's sex drive isn't a consistent faucet with the same expressive pressure every day.
Bonnie Rotten might actually be as aggressive in her personal interactions in business as she is in her personal interactions in porn... but that doesn't mean she's spitting down throats and begging for prolapsed gapings in the middle of her lasagna dinner at Olive Garden.
Yes, as a porn star, I might have had my work life bleed into my non-work life a bit, and I might occasionally be out at some historic nature monument, looking around like
"I wonder if we can have sex/shoot porn here?"
Yes, that does happen sometimes, ha. But I'm not always scouting women to have sex with, and I'm not always trying to have sex with the women I am attracted to, even if they know I do porn and want to have sex with them!
Porn stars like non-porn movies too!
Heck, Ron Jeremy is a classically-trained piano teacher, Lexington Steele is a university-educated, former Wall Street stock broker, and Nina Hartley is a registered nurse.
Ron "The Hedgehog" Jeremy, as much as people want to downplay him as if his impressive genitals were all he had to offer this world, is a certified schoolteacher, and was teaching children on the autism spectrum before it was even diagnosed as such.
And sure, not all porn stars might be bookish introverts before they remove their khakis and Oxford blazer,
but that doesn't justify denying any porn star the possibility of being a multi-faceted individual capable of any and all the other attributes we ascribe to erotic actors.
Finally, even if they are like Asa Akira, and absolutely LOVE being hypersexual as much as possible, what's wrong with that?
Nobody shames LeBron James for being obsessed with playing basketball, and if they did, how foolish would they look?
About as foolish as anyone shaming any other grown adult for doing exactly what they want with their freedom in life on any given day.
Assumption 2
That porn stars and sex workers are unclean, physically
or morally, and that it's smarter to stay away from touching them, if you find out you have met one.
Optimism and evolution would have most socially-conscious individuals hoping this ignorantly-immature sexual criticism would not remain such a prevalent issue in modern society, what with things like the infinitely-overloaded resource of information known as Internet at virtually everyone on earth's disposal.
But, nope!
We're still living in times not far removed from the 70's, 80's and the AIDS epidemic, when people were saying stupid shit like "Don't share toilet seats with gay people!" or "You can catch HIV from mosquitoes, or drinking from the same cup."
These were some of the ignorant ideas about sexuality that were perpetuated by the masses (not that the government and the education system didn't also do their share of mis-education and avoidance of addressing the facts), and honestly, it's unbelievable how little we have progressed collectively as a society, and as a world.
What with Earvin 'Magic' Johnson still alive and well after diagnosing his HIV status in 1991 and having a famous gender-queer son, as well as new HIV-management treatments such as PrEP,
I'm surprised that more people aren't opening their minds even a tiny bit, to the possibility of STI's, STD's and/or even manageable or terminal diseases not being the scarlet letter for pariahs awaiting eternal existential exodus.
And whether it's HIV, chlamydia, warts, hepatitis, or herpes, the unassailable, unwavering, unbelievably true fact is: the regular civilian that is slut-shaming and slandering any porn stars for being "sexually unclean" has a MUCH HIGHER POSSIBILITY OF TRANSMITTING AN STI than any professional porn star operating at a consistent basis in the adult entertainment industry.
The assumption people have about porn star is silly.
For every story of a Cameron Bay contracting HIV or a Mr. Marcus spreading syphilis shutdown, there's literally ~millions~ of videos of porn stars exchanging nothing but healthy consensual human sexual energy, plus some saliva and semen and other funky fun fluids between each other, then getting their compensation and calling it a good day's work.
The additional truth that the vast majority of porn stars get tested every 14-28 days for most, if not all, STI's to be legally and professionally invited to shoot, in contrast to the general understanding that the average man or woman found at your local bar/dance club/social gathering on a Friday or Saturday night is considered to get tested for STI's approximately once or twice a YEAR, as well as has NO discernible evidence, video or otherwise, that proves they have not had unprotected sex with others since the last (or first) time we chose to become intimate, puts the whole truth into perspective for me.
It's a different level of interaction between men and men in porn and in the gay community, but this is not to reinforce the stereotype that porn stars spread diseases because of their work.
But that doesn't mean I think I'm going to catch gonorrhea when I go to use the washroom at the Black Eagle Bar on Church St.!)
Yet, I digress.
The bottom line is:
MANY people still think porn stars and sex workers are physically and morally unclean than the rest of the population, including a few doctors at the walk-in clinic I go to that offer little more than a judgmental cold shoulder and the lowest level of customer service possible the moment after I reveal my sex worker status, while seeking testing or other related information.
It's probably one of the most knee-jerk, automatic cliches to say about human beings in general: the assumption that people that do sex or porn are dirty, just like assuming something ignorant like "fat people eat like pigs", not considering metabolism, genetics, health conditions, body diversity, or any other reason why it's foolish to assume bigger bodied people are different than any one else.
Or deserve any less respect than you or I.
So, yes.
EVERY single porn star you look at online is NOT a dirty person, physically, morally, economically, or socially.
I always say: Porn is messy, not dirty.
Real Pornography is the professional creation of healthy, clean, safe, visible sexual delight between happily consenting individuals that are erotically empowered and engaged.
Fact: every single Thursday, Friday and Saturday night of the year: there are two people who drunkenly connected with each other at some neighborhood bar, and let the rush of lust consume and compel them to find the first available room/bathroom stall, and get busy... and they didn't stop to ask for consent for barely anything, conducted rather high risk sex possibly without protection, maybe didn't even tell each other their real names, and didn't have any intention on ever seeing them again, yet lied about that desire for short term fun...
...and its people like THIS that want to slander porn stars and disrespect sex workers as morally and/or sexually unclean?
The hypocrisy would be laughable, if it wasn't so widespread, malicious and baseless... on top of being foolish beyond comprehension.
Assumption 3.
Porn stars & sex workers don't value themselves and/or were abused, so that's why they are doing sex work, and their families must be ashamed of them.
To deny the autonomous choice of hundreds of thousands of grown adults all over the age of 18 that all must sign 2257 legal documentation, plus show two pieces of government I.D., as well as doctor's-approved clean STI testing, is, as I said, downright ridiculous beyond articulation.
The judgmental stigmatization around sexuality is slowly, painfully, creatively and controversially being eradicated on a variety of levels in North America and other forward-thinking societies, from the steamy plots of new age TV shows like 'The Sopranos', 'The L Word', 'Californication', 'Masters of Sex', 'True Blood', 'Game of Thrones', 'Queer as Folk' and back to 'Sex and the City', which all have done impressive work in helping normalize sex, nudity and sexuality to the masses on levels of awareness unknown and rarely explored in the 80's or 90's.
Also through rare and various Hollywood movies like 'Boogie Nights', 'When Harry Met Sally', 'Secretary', 'Poetic Justice', 'Love Jones', 'The Notebook', 'How Stella Got Her Groove Back', 'Love and Basketball', '50 Shades of Grey' (ugh) and some imported gems like 'Blue is the Warmest Color', 'Nymphomaniac', 'Y Tu Mama Tambien' and 'Love', amongst many others, modern cinema has opened the average person's mind in general, to nontraditional types of love, new age relationships and sex itself not being the one-way ticket to some supposed burning lake of fire...
...which, strangely, is the fundamental reason WHY every single one of us has manifest a destiny on the planet earth: because. our. parents. were. having. sex!
I say all this to say: do you think the actors and actresses parents feel like those actors and actresses don't value themselves? Does Scarlett Johannsen not value herself because she does a movie like 'Under the Skin'? Does Halle Berry not value herself because she did a sex scene like the one with Billy Bob Thornton in 'Monster's Ball'? How about Monica Belluci, and her shockingly realistic rape scene in 'Irreversible', does her doing that scene mean she hates herself and wants to abuse herself, like any other porn star or sex worker that gets paid to act out a hardcore scene?
Where does the line start or stop?
Well, there actually is no line between any genre, except for the one in anyone's mind.
To think that actors aren't also whores or that whores aren't also actors, is to completely misunderstand showbiz, the entertainment industry, and sexuality itself.
The adage "sluts give it away, whores get paid for it" is a gross exaggeration of the basic sexual contract in North American society, but...it's kinda true.
And I don't judge either one for getting pleasure, or getting paid for pleasure!
I humbly suggest you do the same.
And honestly, whether or not their families and friends are ashamed of them:
as long as they are being safe and consensual, who gives a darn what anyone else thinks?
Unless girls are being coerced and manipulated into porn, which does happen sadly, I won't deny (but doesn't the National Army, the fashion industry & professional sports industry all recruit naive, young people under semi-suspicious circumstances as well?) then opinions are like sphincters without enough lube: something that should stay closed tight.
I will confess personally, it's pretty helpful to have my mother actually supportive of my porn career as well as my nude modeling, but my biological father isn't supportive at all, yet: I couldn't care less about his opinion!
I will sleep wonderful at night knowing that I have a marvelous scene planned tomorrow with a divinely sacred person, where the BDSM, aggressive kink and dominant scenes we have planned are well within our boundaries as responsible adults playing sexy games with each other.
I wasn't abused as a child, I love myself beyond measure, my family knows all about my porn career, and supports me doing safe sex work for as long as I want to.
Which is:
for the rest of my natural born life, thank you very much, and you're welcome!
Assumption 4.
That you are not, and never have been, in any way connected to anyone in the sex industry, and that you
"don't associate with people like that"
Reality check: considering how many women and other people are silent about their (possibly temporary) careers in the sex industry, or simply have a second life they don't reveal, I would gamble on the unknown statistics being somewhere around maybe 2 or 3 out of 10 men going their whole sexual life NOT ever having any kind of sexual or intimate engagement with a person that had some sort of sex work/porn employment in their own life.
The amount of girls that were strippers to get through college, or did some camgirl work on the side, or was a prostitute temporarily (and maybe still is occasionally), or did some nude modeling for a source of income while going to university, amongst countless other possibilities, cannot be quantified.
Nor judged.
Just happily assume that one of your best fantasies in your life might have occurred because they were a professional, and you just happened to get lucky somehow...
Assumption 5.
That sex work or pornography can be eradicated by government legislation, or that pornography can be controlled by religious doctrine and moral decree.
As the timeless saying goes: "Prostitution is the world's oldest profession". In 2017, it's absolutely, probably, and truly finally about time people grow up and accept it's not going anywhere.
At all!
Accept this instead: some people want to expose themselves to the incomprehensibly vast diversity of activity in the world, while others just don't have the same level of ambition.
Neither one is right or wrong for wanting what (and who) they want to do.
Some people want to deep sea dive with underwater lifeforms off the shores of Madagascar, others don't.
Some people want to jump out of airplanes and skydive then parachute, some don't.
Some people want to fix cars, some don't.
Some people want to cook gourmet meals in expensive restaurants with exotic ingredients, some don't.
Some people want to research the newest advances in microbiology in a clinical laboratory, some don't.
Some people want to kiss, lick, suck, and have sex with other people to their heart's content, some people don't.
Life is better when you can balance yourself in the midst of such divergent possibilities of playful personal adventure on earth, and find what works for you without needing to impose your values and desires on anyone else's values and desires, whether it's your family, your friends, enemies or strangers... and probably most importantly, your lovers and sex partners in life!
Negotiation and balance becomes different.
Conversation, compromise and communication becomes different.
Controlling others choices is never cool, unless you're protecting your own child, and even at a certain point, that becomes corrupting.
Caring about someone being safe while they go make their wildest dreams come true is way more cool.
And the President, the Prime Minister and the Pope have sexual standards that you need NOT emulate, unless you want to be one of them, or work in those career paths.
Follow your own codes, beliefs & laws, as you follow your own heart towards your purpose and pleasure in life and love.
Taking a journey like that, while not making any of these assumptions
about any of the sex workers and porn stars you enjoy seeing publicly or
even indulging in these days, will usher you to a wonderful level of
empathy, compassion and understanding of both business and pleasure on the
professional level, as well as just respecting humanity properly.
Begin removing these archaic ignorant notions amongst & about others, and
THEN you can safely make the assumption that you're part of the solutions
in sex, not part of the problems stopping the potential of you producing as
many wonderful memories as possible in your own spectacular love and sex
life. A beautiful love & sex life is truly paradise.
Sincerely yours,
Adhimu Stewart aka Malcolm Lovejoy,
Professional Love Maker
About the Author
Malcolm Lovejoy (musician/journalist/activist/porn star/sex educator/human being) is the porn star of the future. A renaissance man like no other in adult entertainment, he is a romantic enthusiast on levels that would make Casanova proud. His feminist-focused approach to all things pornographic pushes his work into a category unlike most men in porn, as Malcolm's passion for providing multi-orgasmic satisfaction for his partners before spending time trying to give a money shot, his unparalleled oral skills, tender touch and ultra-athletic action-packed sex style makes Malcolm's porn a beautiful vision to behold for everyone lucky enough to see it! And in his first 2 years of filming, he has explored a wide variety of adult content, from heterosexual pleasure, to bondage & submissive play, female ejaculation scenes, solo masturbation, transgender scenes, sci-fi sex, pornographic music videos, and so much more. With over 50 scenes filmed thus far, and more on the way, his plans for 2017 and beyond are nothing but bring more of Malcolm Lovejoy's boundless beauty and sacred sexuality to the world for all people to be endlessly educated and entertained by...
If you want to know more, just ask me!
Email: mindbendersupreme@gmail.com
Twitter: mindbendermind
Facebook: Dr. Malcolm Jackson Lovejoy
Past Articles From Malcolm:
http://www.franktalks.com/blog/5-tips-for-women-for-dating-a-male-porn-star
Malcolm Lovejoy (musician/journalist/activist/porn star/sex educator/human being) is the porn star of the future. A renaissance man like no other in adult entertainment, he is a romantic enthusiast on levels that would make Casanova proud. His feminist-focused approach to all things pornographic pushes his work into a category unlike most men in porn, as Malcolm's passion for providing multi-orgasmic satisfaction for his partners before spending time trying to give a money shot, his unparalleled oral skills, tender touch and ultra-athletic action-packed sex style makes Malcolm's porn a beautiful vision to behold for everyone lucky enough to see it! And in his first 2 years of filming, he has explored a wide variety of adult content, from heterosexual pleasure, to bondage & submissive play, female ejaculation scenes, solo masturbation, transgender scenes, sci-fi sex, pornographic music videos, and so much more. With over 50 scenes filmed thus far, and more on the way, his plans for 2017 and beyond are nothing but bring more of Malcolm Lovejoy's boundless beauty and sacred sexuality to the world for all people to be endlessly educated and entertained by...
If you want to know more, just ask me!
Email: mindbendersupreme@gmail.com
Twitter: mindbendermind
Facebook: Dr. Malcolm Jackson Lovejoy
Past Articles From Malcolm:
http://www.franktalks.com/blog/5-tips-for-women-for-dating-a-male-porn-star
- Published on
4 Dating Tips of What Women Want
Dating: What do women really want?
by Pillow Talk Gal
Dating can be a veritable mine field, from how to dress, what to say and how to act. There is no exact science to dating, no how to manuals we can read. We are often left to follow our instinct and sometimes those instincts can be either bang on or dead wrong.
As a woman I can only speak to men who are looking to find out what not to do if you plan on seeing a woman past the first date.
Below are just a few personal tips that I hope will help to make the mine field a little less daunting.
Tip #1 : Dress to impress.
Most women will take note of a man’s appearance right away. While you are busy checking her out, she is actively doing the same but in a very different way. While you may be checking out her body, she is doing that as well, but in so much more detail. She is taking note of every little detail right down to the amount of facial hair you have and whether it’s been properly groomed.
She is looking at your hands to see if your finger nails are dirty, she’s taking note on how much cologne you decided to put on (tip: less is more) and yes she is even checking to see if there is a tan line where a wedding ring might be.
Some would say appearances don’t matter, not true.
The old saying ‘’first impressions are important’’ is key!
In life they say you have to dress for the job you want, well dating is really not that different. Women love it when a man makes an effort to look good, it shows they care, not only about their date but themselves as well. (this should be a given but it’s worth mentioning)
A man who doesn’t have a good sense of style can be a complete turn off for some, where others can see it as a challenge (a fixer upper kind of guy).
Either way, it’s best to play it safe and go with a nice collared shirt (no tie) and a dressy pair of jeans.
You can never go wrong with business/casual style.
Tip #2: Leave the past behind.
Nothing is more off putting than a man that seems to not have moved on from his last relationship. We all have our relationship baggage to deal with, but dealing with it while you’re on a date with another woman is not that time (this lesson applies to women too).
If you’re out with a woman who just happens to enjoy the same kind of music as your ex, or she happens to like the same kinds of food as your ex, whatever you do, don’t bring it up!
Mentioning any kinds of similarities between a date and an ex can lead not only to insecurities on her part, but also make you look like you’re still hung up on your ex!
Of course, if you were in a serious relationship and are back on the dating scene you might notice you have a specific ‘’type’’ you are attracted to, which is fine.
There are bound to be some similarities, just don’t go out of your way to mention them, especially on the first date. She will lose interest in you faster than you can say ‘’when can I see you again?’’
Tip #3: Confidence versus arrogance.
Women love a man who is confident, but not to the point of arrogance.
It is a big turn on when we see that a man has confidence in himself but at the same time he is humble about that confidence.
For example, there is nothing worse than being with a guy who is good looking and acts like he knows it.
The turn on for us is, he’s good looking but thinks he isn’t (I know it’s weird but it’s true).
Tip #4: Keep some thoughts to yourself.
If you’re on a date with a woman whom you find very attractive, refrain from making awkward remarks about specific things you find sexy about her (especially on a first date).
You might find she has a great body or sexy lips and that’s fine, but making a point about how you happen to find those traits sexy is just creepy.
For example, your date happens to have very full sexy lips, don’t blurt out ‘’you have the most beautiful, sexy lips I have ever seen!’’.
It comes off as if all you’re looking at are her lips, which leads a woman to think all you’re interested in are her looks and not getting to know her as a person.
If the relationship progresses past a couple of weeks, then those kinds of comments most probably could be a turn on, as opposed to making her want to run screaming in the opposite direction.
Keep your cool and instead of fixating on her looks, listen to her when she speaks. Really take an interest in what she has to say.
A man who can have a real conversation with a woman is so sexy and believe me, she will notice if you’re not actively listening, so really put some effort into it.
If the chemistry is good, you will find there won’t be much effort required.
I wish you all happy dating and I hope my tips will have proven useful to at least a few people.
It can be tough out there and sometimes a few tips can go a long way.
-Pillow Talk Gal
It can be tough out there and sometimes a few tips can go a long way.
-Pillow Talk Gal
About Pillow Talk Gal
Born and raised in British Columbia, she is a professional woman managing a career, marriage, and a teenager. Life can be challenging at times but she's a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason, and more often than not, she tries to understand those reasons.
"Join me in my journey throughout life’s issues and I guarantee you’ll be left pondering an issue or two." - Pillow Talk Gal
Past Pillow Gal Posts:
http://www.franktalks.com/blog/sex-and-the-city-girl-talk-for-the-ages
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