Rejection:  The Best Worst Thing  That Can Ever Happen To You
By Frank Kermit
 
Rejection is the worst best thing that can ever happen to you. Managing rejection is a necessary part in managing your love life. Over the course of your life, chances are you are going to experience rejection before you find your soul mate, and you may have to reject others in that process as well.
 
Trying to seek out love while trying to avoid rejection is like trying to walk in the rainstorm and not get even a little wet. The sooner you accept the reality that rejection is a normal part of life (albeit an unpleasant one at times) and learn to handle the negative emotions associated, the sooner you will find peace with your desires of seeking out an emotionally fulfilling love life.
 
Whether you put yourself out there, or are on the receiving end of someone's affections, you are going to have to deal with rejection. In fact, the more you make efforts to connect with others, then more you will surely deal with rejection.
 
For example, if you are on a spree of approaching new people, on the numbers alone, you will deal with more rejection than you previously did when not approaching new people. If you end up going on a date with someone, but do not end up in a long-term relationship with that person, it means at some point there was a rejection of sorts. In cases where you are casually dating, and someone that you were dating has ended up in a more serious relationship with someone else, even though that person never broke up with you directly (as there was no serious commitment in place) by virtue of that person choosing someone else, it is a rejection by default.
 
Rejection is a Message
 
When trying to understand rejection, rejection is at its core a message. The question is not why rejection exists; the question is actually, what is the message that a particular rejection is trying to communicate to you. Understanding how to interpret the correct message in each rejection is the key to mastering managing rejection.
 
Before getting into understanding rejection, it is important to understand that unless you are under a particular stage of personal development or are constantly getting rejection to the point where you have not had a date in over a year, keep in mind not to read too much into a rejection. More often that not, rejection has less to do with you as a person, and more to do with what is going on in another person's life. I hear it in my practice all the time how the reasons that someone rejected another had little to with the person they rejected and more to do with that person's own issues.
 
For example, people with a fear of intimacy will go out of their way to find reasons to reject others, blaming the other person, when in fact, they are simply running scared from potentially emotionally healthy relationships or even just sex. Other times, the person is so hooked on waiting for a particular person, that they refuse to take a chance on someone new and will reject all advances.
 
Sometimes, the person is in a "complicated relationship" (which is really a politically correct way of saying they are too scared to make a clean and final break up and move on) and they do not know if they are even single enough to date someone else. It could generally be that the other person rejects you based on the way you approached. Most rejections are not anything to read into, as most people rejecting you likely know nothing about you. Now with that said...
 
When trying to change your behaviors and developing yourself, for the purposes of attracting a soul mate, rejection becomes a great learning tool. Whether your goal is to get a major commitment, sex with the person you are seeing, or even just managing to get someone to date you at all, a rejection from achieving your goals can be a good message about what you are doing wrong, and what you should try next.
 
I often find that asking the person who rejected you why they rejected you, is in fact, NOT the best way to figure out what you did wrong. In many cases, the person who rejects you cannot properly articulate why you got rejected. Most people THINK they know why they rejected someone, only to have that particular reason not matter, when they do not reject somebody else that had the similar trait. That is part of what makes the learning process in relationships so challenging.
 
You can only really ascertain why pervious partners rejected you when you succeed in not being rejected by future partners. In other words, you will know the true reasons you constantly got rejected only after you change your behaviors and no longer get rejected.
 
Prior to my own personal development I was often told that I was being rejected for being overweight. During my personal development phase, I experimented with countless new behaviors to discover how to make myself more seductively attractive. In time, the weight no longer mattered for the majority of people (there will always be a minority that care too much), because I changed the REAL REASONS that I was originally getting rejected; my overall behaviors that were unattractive, for example: being too nice instead of asserting my boundaries. In certain areas of life, relationships being one of them, it is like first being given the test, and then being taught the lesson afterwards.
 
When you are romantically interested in a friend that you has gotten to know you well enough, and decide to chance taking it to the next level and your friend rejects your advances, it should be interpreted as an insult. A stranger does not know you enough for a rejection to be insulting. A friend however knows you enough to know that you make a good friend, which is a key component to making a long-term relationship work.
 
When your friend would rather keep you as a friend, rather that even try, just for one first date, to explore what more the two of you can be, that is an insult. Basically, the message is that you are good, but not good enough to even make the effort to check out if there could be something more undiscovered which could develop into a meaningful relationship.
 
For that reason, when a friend rejects your romantic intentions, it is best to distance yourself from that friend, or end the close friendship altogether. Staying friends with a friend who consistently rejects you (assuming that you keep hoping the friendship will blossom into more) does an emotional damage to the one that keeps hoping for change.
 
The biggest error that people make when trying to interpret rejection is they do not distinguish the difference between being rejected for incompatibility (a particular person does not see a realistic future for this coupling) and being rejected because a person that is unlovable.
 
When I lost my ex-fiancé to my then best friend, there were a few different ways I could have interpreted that rejection. On the one hand I could have understood that she felt he was better suited to addressing her emotional needs than I. On the other hand, I could have understood that there were behaviors that I needed to improve on so that I would not have acted in a way that made me less desirable as a partner.
 
Even more, I could have assumed that they were meant to be, and it was wrong of me to stand in their way. I could have also tried to understand that maybe her and I would simply not have worked out anyway because we really were that different and that if it wasn't my then best friend, it would have been someone else that got in the middle of it.
 
At the time, I was so overwhelmed with negative emotions that the only interpretation I could come up with was that I was not worthy of love. I felt that I was too unlovable to ever really deserve a relationship. It took me years to deal with that demon and slay it.
 
How different my life would have been had I learned to better interpret rejection. Then again, I would not be the very relatable relationship coach I am today without those horrible years of self-actualization.
 
Time has given me another great interpretation of rejection: Dodging a bullet. There are times that rejection is actually a blessing, although it does not seem like that in the moment. There are times when the only worse thing than not getting the date, is actually getting the date. When I look back over the course of my life, and happen to follow up on past interests that have rejected me, I sometimes find myself grateful that I got rejected, seeing how their lives unfolded. I do not wish malice on anyone from my past, however, to see how some of their lives turned out does make me realize that not having gotten involved with them may have turned out to be a great blessing that I simply could not appreciate at the time.
 
Think back to every time you ended up dating someone that you wished you hadn't. Chances are that someone that rejected you could have given you a worse relationship experience...and the fact you dodged that bullet is something you can be thankful for. To use a career-related analogy, if the workplace environment is a toxic one, then the only worse thing than not getting the job, is actually getting it. So the next time you get rejected, be mindful that what you don't know, isn't necessarily better than what you could have found out too late.
 
The mark of true unshakable confidence is when you know, and trust in, your own value and recognize what you bring in to the relationship table. When "the feast" rejections your dish, it will be the dish with unshakeable confidence that will state that the feast doesn't realize the value of the dish it just turned away.
 
Now, anyone with false bravado can say it, but so few people really believe in themselves enough to see themselves as a prize worth cherishing. The sign they do not see themselves as a prize? They stay in unfulfilling relationships. People who value themselves do not stay in unemotionally unhealthy and abusive relationships.
 
There are people who do see themselves as a prize, but that aren't. These people come across as creepy or are simply delusional people. The difference between those peoples with unshakeable confidence from those who are delusional is that the crowds who have unshakeable confidence back up such beliefs of self worth through actions. Under their table of confidence are works that make up the legs to hold it up. They have taken stock of how they live their lives being congruent taking actions that are in line with their own belief systems. They do not take themselves for granted, and do not allow others to do it either.
 
They have learned how to navigate the fears of abandonment in exchange for being alone rather than being with the wrong person.
 
Managing rejection, is at the heart, of reaching a point of loving yourself, and holding out for someone to love you at that same level, keeping your expectations realistic. If you do not have faith in yourself, and appreciate what you have to offer, you run the risk of misinterpreting any rejection you encounter. At that point, you are rejecting yourself, instead of being the one person that you need most in your corner.
 
Frank Kermit 

Relationship Redemption:
Finding Closure and Self-Forgiveness
 
By Frank Kermit
 
We all make mistakes in life. If you have ever tried to get into a relationship, are in a relationship, or are recovering from a relationship, chances are about 100% you screwed up somewhere on something. If you are lucky, you have a partner (or ex-partner) that either has a lousy memory, or a partner that chooses not to remind you too often of the times you goofed.
 
However, with all that said some mistakes are bigger than others. Insignificant mistakes can be corrected easily. But those mistakes that can detour the journey of your entire relationship, maybe even costing you the relationship itself, are a little harder to process. Even when your ex partner either forgives you, or just does not care anymore about your error that forced about the parting of your ways, people still need to do something to achieve a sense of peace with their pasts. People need to forgive themselves. And for some people, self-forgiveness is mission impossible. In fact, those people who more easily forgive others may struggle indefinitely to forgive themselves for a number of their relationships gaffs, both great and small.
 
There is a real danger that this particular population may very well get into the bad habit of punishing themselves with self-sabotaging behaviors, which makes their circumstances even worse, causing even more acts of unforgiveable bad judgment, and the cycle continues until a person can be overrun with a horrible shame-and-guilt complex that forbids them from the capacity to function in an emotionally healthy relationship.
 
For people who find exceptional struggle with forgiving-thy-self I have often found that the key to the ability to forgive yourself for the relationship faux-pas of your past is reaching a point when you can trust yourself, not to commit the same mistake again. Once you prove to yourself that you have new behavior patterns that would prevent you from ever making the same mistake again, some people find a divine compassion for themselves that they previously could not tap into.
 
People, who repeat the same negative behavior patterns in relationships, will inevitably continue to do so, until they take an active role in learning new behavior patterns, and repeating those new behavior patterns, until those behavior patterns become unconscious habits. When it comes to unconscious habits in relationships, those new habits will foster into an intuition that will give the relationship seekers a sixth sense that will keep them away from bad relationship partners, and point them within the perimeters of potential premiere partners.
 
Sometimes mistakes can include things like infidelity, wrong priorities, superimposing unrealistic expectations, committing too soon, losing their sense of self in a relationship, becoming too needy or dependant on their partner, acting out personal issues from childhood that have nothing to do with their current partner, or simply choosing the wrong people to date. All of these errors can be understandable in their unique contexts, but they can all destroy the best relationships that come into your life.
 
When seeking help in relationships, a person tends to want to seek out ways to fix what they keep doing wrong that lands them to lose their relationship opportunities.
 
Even when they learn what exactly they did wrong, and intellectually know what they need to do next, it is not until they go through a real life experience to process that new knowledge into action, that a person can start to feel confident that they will stop making those same mistakes again. Until that challenge is met, the certainty of their change-work is in question. However, once a person commits to a new behavior pattern such that, they have now reach a point where he or she can trust in themselves, to never make those same mistakes again; THAT is when a person can get to the point of self-forgiveness. In that moment of a newfound respect for self, is the RELATIONSHIP REDEMPTION that allows for even the most hurtful past of any relationship wound to find ultimate closure.
 
In closure on our pasts, through the self-forgiveness of our own personal relationship redemption, we will find the beginning of our new chapter in the book of our life.
 
Frank Kermit 

  This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

Are You A Partner or a Liability?
By Frank Kermit
 
"It's not you, it's me." Have you ever heard that said to you when someone broke up with you? Have you ever been the one to use it when dumping someone that was interested in you? Chances are, there may be some deep truth to it.
 
A number of times, the reason relationships do not even get a chance at long term success is that people find all kinds of excuses to kill the momentum before anything seriously meaningful has the chance to bloom. There are a number of different motivations for this kind of relationship sabotage. Some of these may include unrealistic standards that a person may set up, which no other person could reasonably live up to.
 
I often tell people, to their chagrin, that if their standards are actually higher than their social skills to attract that particular type of partner, then the issue is not trouble meeting compatible dates; the trouble is a deep and likely unacknowledged fear of intimacy.
 
If you have a fear of intimacy, whether it is a fear of physical intimacy, or a fear of being open and emotionally vulnerable, or a combination of both, then it really is going to be -you-. You ARE the issue; not the fact that everyone you have dated was not good enough.
 
Baggage. No matter how old, how young, how experienced, or how inexperienced anyone is, everyone comes with baggage. Everyone has his or her emotional baggage of one kind or another. Having baggage is part of being human. I often find that those individuals who starkly claim to seek someone with absolutely no baggage, tend to be very much in denial of the baggage they themselves have in abundance.
 
From the 50 year old confirmed bachelor who has never been married nor had kids afraid to make any sort of commitment, to the single mother of 3 teenagers from different fathers and everyone in between; I have likely heard them state clearly that they all want to meet someone that has no baggage.
 
However, none of them that make such a statement ever appreciates the concept that others, who view them the same way, would never give them a chance either. Romance novels and movies might make allowances for ironic hypocrites in love and allow double standards to flourish. It does not work in the real world.
 
The Ideal Dream Lover Exercise will tell it all. Here is something to try. Take a moment and write down a list of qualities that you think your REASONABLE ideal dream lover would have. What would that person value? What kind of day-to-day lifestyle would that person have? What would that person have already achieved before meeting you for the first time? List as many things as you can that you believe would be reasonable to expect from your dream lover to already be.
 
By reasonable, I mean that you keep your expectations within a reasonable parameter. For example, it is a nice fantasy that your ideal dream lover may be a gold medal Olympic athlete AND a PhD in Anthropology AND also be an astronaut with space travel experience AND appeared as a regular guest star on a syndicated TV show AND also has no social issues whatsoever...sounds great, but based on nothing more than there are only 24 hours a day and any one of those accomplishments takes time and dedication that would sacrifice some or all of those other goals is what makes that list unreasonable.
 
Once you are done with your ideal dream lover exercise, it is time to ask yourself a Frank question: Are you the kind of person that your ideal dream lover would date? Honestly? Chances are, that if your ideal dream lover existed, that dream lover would not want to date you, because you are not up to your dream lover standards. Your dream lover may in fact consider you to be a liability instead of a potential partner.
 
This is where you get to begin closing the gap between the type of partner you would want, and who you are. If you know what kind of life partner you are seeking, then you have the gift of knowing your goal, and can adjust your own behavior patterns to become the kind of person who can build and support that life which would attract your ideal dream partner.
 
If you are not sure what kind of partner your ideal dream lover would want, then you might want to strive to become your ideal dream lover. Whatever your lover would do, then you set out to do. Does your ideal dream lover go to the gym 4 times a week? Then get yourself there as well and work it. Does your ideal dream lover have the resources to own two vacation homes in other countries? Then get busy building your financial life so that you can also have such a lifestyle yourself.
 
Before you give up because it sounds like too much work, I want to assure you that, yes; it is in fact a heck of a lot of work. That is the point. If you are not willing to put in the work, then you ARE the problem, and not everybody else. It really is you.
 
Frank Kermit 

 Check out my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

Stop Wasting Time:
The Resolution For Singles in the New Year
By Frank Kermit
 
Some people find themselves starting the New Year as a single person. For those that are happy being single, the New Year is getting off to a great start.
 
However, if someone is not happy with being single, and wants to make sure to be in a relationship by the time New Year's Eve comes around again, it is important to make some changes.
 
If there was one area that single people must make changes to, in order to ensure their best chances at no longer being single, it can be summed up in 3 simple words:
 
Stop-Wasting-Time.
 
Stop Wasting Time means that you realize that your "time" is a resource of a very limited supply.
 
You cannot get back any time that you already spent. All you can do is focus on the time you have left. When it comes to the desire to no longer be single, how you spend your time is very important.
 
There are certain things you must devote time too. These include your set obligations, your family responsibilities, your work, your education, your health but when all of that is done, then you may have time left over to focus on other things.
 
That time left over is the time you need to devote to making changes in your life to break the repeating behavior patterns that have thus far kept you single. If you are not using that time wisely, you could be wasting it.
 
For example, you have decided that this was the year you were going to find new love, and build a serious relationship with him or her, and the next thing you know, you get contacted by one of your ex lovers who happens to be lonely and wants to enjoy your company again.
 
If you keep hanging out with ex lovers just to avoid feeling lonely, you are wasting your time.
 
Use that evening to go out some place to potentially meet someone new.
 
If you are casually dating someone currently and it appears that there is little chance of it turning into a serious commitment, you might be wasting your time.
 
Talk to your partner about what would have to happen to for such a commitment to occur.
 
If your partner cannot give you a direct and crystal clear answer, you are wasting your time with that person.
 
Use that time to go to workshops to develop your social or conversational skills.
 
If you have hobbies which are enjoyable pastimes (stamps, genealogy, videogames) but do not allow for you to interact with new people in real life social settings where you can explore a potential romance, you are wasting your time.
 
Use that time to take up a new activity like a dance class where you must interact with others and potentially find a connection.
 
Even chilling out with your friends can end up being a huge waste of time.
 
Unless your friends are able to directly introduce you to someone new they brought to the social circle, hanging out with the same groups of people that do not provide you with your own chance of love is a time waster.
 
This also includes that friend of yours that you are in love with, and continue to ask out, but rejects you again and again.
 
Spending time with someone that continually rejects to attempt to take your friendship to the next level is wasting your time.
 
Use that time to meet up with new social circles that can meet your needs better.
 
Some people struggle with this because they carry a notion that they should not have to put in so much effort to connect with a new love.
 
They feel that it should just happen when the timing is right, and would rather wait for love to come to them.
 
For some people, this has worked because they are naturally able to draw such opportunities to them.
 
However, for the rest of us who were not naturally able to draw it to us, it is time to put in the work.
 
Next New Year's Eve is just about 11 months away.
 
You can either wait to see if you will be alone again, or you can choose to take action and increase your chances to have someone to start next year with a meaningful kiss. It's your time
 
Click the links to visit my coaching workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job and
I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

Frank Kermit

This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

The Meaning of your Relationships
Starts With The Meaning Of Your Life
 By Frank Kermit

Contemplate your death. No seriously. In order to make meanings of your relationships past, present and those you will have in the future, you must understand how to make meaning of your life. The way to start understanding the meaning of your life is to contemplate your death.

Until you come to grips with the cold fact that your time in this life is finite, and that at some point, you and everyone you know will be dead, the meaning of your life may forever elude you.

We cannot predict how and when we will die, but we do have a measure of control on how we choose to live day-to-day. It is not always easy to take action day-to-day making meaning of your life, especially if you have not decided on the end goal. The end goal of course is not to plan your death, nor is it to hope to live forever. The end goal is to have lived your life with the meanings you have assigned to it during the earlier stages of your life.

Envision the epitaph on your gravesite. What does it say? Great parent and spouse? Beloved Companion? A friend to everyone? Of the biggest heart? Forever remembered? In making the decision of your epitaph, you are in fact setting the goal for how you will live your life. It is the motivation source to make certain that many of your day-to-day actions reflect the way you want to be remembered.

Next step is to consider what you would want stated in your eulogy. Whatever it is that you want mentioned in your eulogy is synonymous with your life’s goals. The benefit of thinking about it today, is that you have the rest of your life to ensure that you live up to that eulogy.

One of the more fun exercises to find the meaning of your life is to contemplate the movie of your life. What would be the title of the movie? What part of your life would be presented in the film script? What songs and music will make up the sound track? What is your story arch, and how did you turn out at the end of your hero’s journey? What actor would play you? (Personally, I always thought that actor Jack Black would make a great Frank Kermit). The movie of your life is about the core of your life story. In imagining your movie, you find how you want your story to unfold.

Some people have a hard time trying to pinpoint these elements, as they have never thought about their impending deaths in the ways I describe. For those people, I also suggest other writing exercises. These include to make a list of the most influential books and songs in your life, a list of the people and characters you most admire and why, a list of your most important base life philosophies, and a list of ways you would like to see the world change.
 
These lists are designed to help to identify and acknowledge your core values and to help you decide what actions you can take day-to-day to follow through. Most people do already have an idea of what is really important to them, but as human beings are, a little reminder in the form of a writing exercise can be just what is required to act on those important values.

So, how can a person use any of this information to make meanings of relationships? Relationships can be our teachers. Relationships teach people about their core values, what they can and cannot handle, and also help people develop and grow as individuals.
 
With each relationship you experience, you learn more about yourself, how your life is, and you can pick out areas of your life that need more attention. If you want to be remembered as a good provider, do your current relationships reflect that? If you claim to be a person that values forgiveness, do your relationships behaviors reflect that? If you believe that protecting your children from potential harm is your highest calling, do you reflect that in the relationships you tolerate? If you claim to admire a character known for being a great lover, do your relationship skills reflect that?
 
If you answer “no” to any of those testing statements, you have found out where you need to start developing a meaning for the relationships you are involved in, so that all your relationships reflect your core being.
 
There is no room for personal hypocrisies in finding ultimate peace and happiness. Sometimes the only meaning you may find in a past or present relationship is to teach you what a mistake you are capable of making and you making meaning by learning the lesson you need to learn in order not to make that same (relationship) error again.

Sometimes we choose the meanings of our lives, and sometimes those meanings choose us. Some of us have a calling in life, such that regardless of what we pursue, life has other plans for us. There is meaning in that too. Even when life has other plans in store for you, you still have a choice. You can fight it, or you can embrace it.

To check out more on my coaching workbooks, visit  I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

Relationship Goal Setting
By Frank Kermit
 
This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

Setting goals in most areas of your life can be challenging. When it comes to relationships, there are even more challenges. Whereas in other areas of your life such as education, employment, and even some areas of betterment of health, there are a number of areas that are fully within your control, and a huge range of support systems in place.
 

For example, if you want to get a certain degree, those educational institutions that offer such a degree will forward you information about what is necessary to get into the program, and there are some loan and bursaries programs designed to help manage the costs of tuition. You control which schools you apply to, how quickly you adhere to the application process, and making arrangements so that you will have the time and the finances to support yourself while studying.
 
Those are some of the things you are in control of. But like any goal setting process, there are elements that you do not control. Using the same example, you can do everything exceptionally well, but you still might not get in to your program of choice at the schools of your choosing. You control everything within your power of influence to make something happen, except mainly for the final outcome. That is one area that you cannot control what happens. All you can do is manage how you can best react to what happens.
 
When setting goals as they relate to your relationships, it can be even trickier than in other areas of your life, because whereas in other areas of your life, a desired goal is something a little more quantifiable (maybe a LOT more quantifiable) using a pre-determined set of circumstances, in your relationships you are dealing with a real human being.
 
Using the previous example, there are very specific things that are measurable for someone to accomplish in order to get accepted into an education program, and if the applicant is open to applying to various schools, and continues to do so year after year, learning how to improve their candidacy based on previous rejections (if any), then it is likely that some program, at some point will accept the applicant. For some, it is an easier process, but for others it can take a few attempts to get in.
 
But what makes this process easier than goal setting for relationships is that the requirements are limited (a handful of documents and letters), specific (previous education considerations), and measurable (work or volunteering experience). It is not so with relationships.
 
As I teach it, even at your best, you are still only 50% of a relationship and the other 50% is YOUR ability to choose the right partner. It is not enough to be a great partner; you also have to align yourself with another great partner to make a relationship work. If you are looking to set some relationship goals, here are some tips:
 
1-Goals need a deadline: A deadline helps a person focus in on a goal. For example, setting a wedding date, or an age that you would like to already be married and having started a family by may help a person focus on growing up and choosing more suitable long term partners to date.
 
2-Goals need to be realistic: Realistically you cannot expect to be a lawyer in 6 months when you only have a high school diploma. Most professional orders and licensing boards have requirements such as a minimum of a three-year university bachelor degree. Your wishing to bypass it is not realistic. The same holds true on your relationship goals. If part of your goals is to learn to be more social, savvy and emotionally healthy, it will likely take more than a few minutes of your time once in a while, to make that kind of deep change a permanent repeating behavior pattern. If your standards are much higher than your ability to attract such a higher-standards partner, you are not being realistic for what is within your scope.
 
3-Goals need to be related to your absolutes: Your preferences come and go, but your absolutes reflect your boundaries and values, and your goals must be in line with those. If you do not know the difference between your preference and your absolutes, then one of your first goals is to get that figured out.
 
4-Goals and Hope: There is no guarantee that you will achieve your goal. There may be factors beyond your control that you may not be aware of.
 
For example, you could attempt to engage someone into a romantic relationship and not be aware that the person you are targeting simply has no capacity to be involved with anyone for reasons that would be too personal to share. That person might have an STI, or an abusive background related to intimacy, or on a path of personal healing that would negate that person from being open to any kind of romantic connections at this time. It is important though that you never give up hope that you WILL meet someone and find love. Even if you learn every relationship management skill in the book (This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.), it is all for not, if you do not at least carry the HOPE, that a loving relationship is within your grasp.
 
It can also sometimes be very difficult to stay motivated to keep going after your relationship goals; especially if a person has a lot of bad relationship experience.
 
One of the ways to help you stay motivated is to make a list of all the potential pain you will have if you do NOT achieve your relationship goals, and all of the potential pleasures you will have if you DO achieve your relationship goals.
 
For some people, having a list like that (a constant reminder) of what they stand to gain or lose, can be enough to stay dedicated through the rough roads as they are in the middle of crossing that emotional trench called the canyon of pain.
 
What's your motivation?
  
This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

Frank Kermit 

This is an excerpt of an passage from my books:
I'm A Woman, It's My Time (The Coaching Workbook for Women)
and
I'm A Man, That's My Job (The Coaching Workbook for Men)

How To Deal With Toxic People
By Frank Kermit
 
Toxic people are defined in this article as people who lack the capacity to reason, or people who have the capacity to reason but just do not want to reason with you.
 
In the hierarchy of relationships, the category for toxic people is the lowest category that exists. That is because when you identify someone as being a toxic individual, you do not invest any further time in dealing with that person, or at least any more time than you absolutely have to. When you encounter a toxic person in your life, and if you can completely cut that person out, then it is best do to so.
 
When cutting someone out of your life, there are consequences, just like with every other decision you make in life. As Robert Ringer teaches, you choose your actions, but not the consequences of those actions. Be sure that you do not end up suffering more for getting rid of someone, than if you tolerated them.
 
For example, if you work in an environment with a toxic co-worker, you may not be able to cut that person out of your life without quitting the job.
 
However, the consequences of quitting your job may be worse than simply tolerating your co-worker, especially if you only have to deal with that co-worker in a limited capacity or if you are already looking for another job.
 
 
When it comes to family, the same rules apply. If you cut out a member of your family for treating you in a toxic manner, you will have to deal with consequences that you may not have anticipated such as having other family members cut you out because they sided with that relative. For example, in some cases, a cousin may boycott you when that relative is present, but that same cousin may happily engage in communicating with you when that other relative is not around. Are you prepared for the consequences?
 
Also, when it comes to toxic family members, keep in mind that the issue of having to interact with them after cutting them from your life, at functions such as weddings, funerals, and other events may be something you will have to deal with. In some cases, you may end up having to skip those weddings, funerals and other events. Are you prepared for the consequences?
 
It is important to understand the difference between a good person who is acting in a toxic manner as a result of a bad day, or particularly challenging situation, and someone who lacks the capacity to reason with you on a consistent basis. In the case of a good person acting badly, take a pause, and show compassion. It will bring you and that person back to the level you originally connected on.
 
If it is a matter that you are dealing with a consistently toxic person, there is no trying to reconcile or reason with that person. Just like a drug addict on a high, the ability for rational thought simply cannot cope with the state of intoxication. There is no point in even trying to figure out why a person is toxic, or just acts toxic with you.
 
You will never get a satisfying answer, because by the very nature of being toxic, a toxic person is unable to explain such a reason.
 
The best way to deal with a toxic person is not to deal with that person at all.
 
Buy these books now:

I'm A Woman, It's My Time (The Coaching Workbook for Women)
and
I'm A Man, That's My Job (The Coaching Workbook for Men)

Frank Kermit