- Published on
Seek a life partner that has a compatible life plan to yours
Planning the rest of your life together
by Frank Kermit
When I sit down with a couple for Pre Marital Coaching,
which is working with a couple who are getting ready
to move to the next step in their relationship,
one of the questions I always ask them is
what do they have planned for the rest of their lives together?
Whether you are
moving in together
buying property together
having a child together
getting married
getting engaged
one of the key elements towards success
is having a life plan
and then checking to make sure
that your individual life plans
are actually compatible.
I have seen couples, who were very much in love
but had very incompatible life plans.
Where one person wanted 2 children in the next 5 years
and the other did not want children at all.
Where one person wanted to eventually move to Japan
and the other person wanted to move to Brazil
Where one person wanted to retire together to Florida
and the other person refused ever stop working
Where one person needed to spend the next 4 years
traveling to a different continent for a unique and specific
graduate education in a niche industry
and the other person was running out of time
to start a family
So, if you want to have a successful marriage
that will last long term
and withstand the status of separation and divorce
get your life plan in order.
Know what you need to know for your life plan
and find a partner that has a life plan that is compatible with yours.
- Published on
life is not a fairytale
Originally published July 29, 2016, updated April 20, 2018
Life is Not a Fairytale
by Frank Kermit
You are not a helpless, beautiful princess in peril needing to be saved because of how pretty you are, nor a handsome prince who is also a knight setting out to rescue someone as a means of earning true love.
You have a lot more power and control over your own destiny than you were raised to believe you had. Believing in fairy tales may have been acceptable when we were children, but it is destructive to base decisions made for your adult love life on what fairy tales taught you.
The first thing is you do not need anyone to save you from a life of loneliness or from ending up with the wrong person. You have the power (and dare I say the obligation) to save yourself.
Want to be rescued from poverty? Earn your own money and build your own wealth.
Want to get out of a bad living situation? Make whatever sacrifice to get yourself educated or knowledgeable enough to get yourself out of there.
Want to make sure that you do not end up alone? Be proactive in meeting new people and become the kind of person that others would want to date.
Stop waiting for someone to come along to find you. You go find that someone first.
The second thing is instead of looking for a life partner that you would need to save first, you should be seeking someone that can be a contributing partner to help you build the future you both agree on.
You are lovable without having to save someone from him-or-herself in order to earn love.
In fact, even if you do save someone, you may earn their gratitude, and you may earn their appreciation, but you did not automatically earn that person’s love.
Demanding someone love you just because you saved the person (from themselves or from someone else) does not guarantee love. It never has regardless of what fairy tales imply.
Stop trying to "hero" your way to love.
And the scariest part about this life lesson for your love life?
The realization that there is no guarantee of a happily ever after, even when you meet someone wonderfully suited to you.
Life is a series of struggles, and ups and downs.
Even when you find that magical connection and sustainable relationship, you are still dealing with two flawed human beings that will have to contend with everything nasty life has to throw at you both.
From friends and family who refuse to accept or acknowledge your love, to dealing with the death of loved ones, personal sickness, challenges as parents, broken trusts, financial concerns and other elements too numerous to mention all of which can send even the strongest couples into the negative portion of divorce statistics.
Singles who are caught up on having:
-the perfect date,
-the perfect fantasy romance,
-the perfect fantasy wedding, and
-the perfect family life
will more than likely end up perfectly single.
Life is not perfect, and neither are you.
The sooner you accept that, the sooner you will be ready for a real relationship.
-Frank Kermit
Life is Not a Fairytale
by Frank Kermit
You are not a helpless, beautiful princess in peril needing to be saved because of how pretty you are, nor a handsome prince who is also a knight setting out to rescue someone as a means of earning true love.
You have a lot more power and control over your own destiny than you were raised to believe you had. Believing in fairy tales may have been acceptable when we were children, but it is destructive to base decisions made for your adult love life on what fairy tales taught you.
The first thing is you do not need anyone to save you from a life of loneliness or from ending up with the wrong person. You have the power (and dare I say the obligation) to save yourself.
Want to be rescued from poverty? Earn your own money and build your own wealth.
Want to get out of a bad living situation? Make whatever sacrifice to get yourself educated or knowledgeable enough to get yourself out of there.
Want to make sure that you do not end up alone? Be proactive in meeting new people and become the kind of person that others would want to date.
Stop waiting for someone to come along to find you. You go find that someone first.
The second thing is instead of looking for a life partner that you would need to save first, you should be seeking someone that can be a contributing partner to help you build the future you both agree on.
You are lovable without having to save someone from him-or-herself in order to earn love.
In fact, even if you do save someone, you may earn their gratitude, and you may earn their appreciation, but you did not automatically earn that person’s love.
Demanding someone love you just because you saved the person (from themselves or from someone else) does not guarantee love. It never has regardless of what fairy tales imply.
Stop trying to "hero" your way to love.
And the scariest part about this life lesson for your love life?
The realization that there is no guarantee of a happily ever after, even when you meet someone wonderfully suited to you.
Life is a series of struggles, and ups and downs.
Even when you find that magical connection and sustainable relationship, you are still dealing with two flawed human beings that will have to contend with everything nasty life has to throw at you both.
From friends and family who refuse to accept or acknowledge your love, to dealing with the death of loved ones, personal sickness, challenges as parents, broken trusts, financial concerns and other elements too numerous to mention all of which can send even the strongest couples into the negative portion of divorce statistics.
Singles who are caught up on having:
-the perfect date,
-the perfect fantasy romance,
-the perfect fantasy wedding, and
-the perfect family life
will more than likely end up perfectly single.
Life is not perfect, and neither are you.
The sooner you accept that, the sooner you will be ready for a real relationship.
-Frank Kermit
Coaching for Men
If you are trapped in a repeating behavior pattern of seeking perfection that it keeps you single, and now you are going to die old and alone with pets, then sign up for COACHING with Frank Kermit and fix this issue once and for all!
Coaching for Women
- Published on
Lucia is a Dating and Relationship Expert whose intent is to entertain, educate and enlighten. Known throughout major media as a "Cougar Expert", Lucia defends and coaches older women who are dating and in relationships with younger men. In addition to her Cougar expertise she also produces an internet podcast radio show, writes a weekly column, has authored a book and has appeared regularly on multiple talk shows including The Tyra Banks Show and The Dr. Phil Show. To learn more about Lucia please visit http://www.theartoflove.net/.
The Goodbye Show
Date: February 10, 2013, Title: The Art of Love Podcast with Lucia
Frank Kermit makes his 6th and final appearance on The Art of Love Podcast, hosted by Lucia. This marks the last episode of this podcast as Lucia hosts her Good Bye Show. Frank Kermit, the guest holding the record for most appearances is interviewed for a brief good bye interview.
Frank Kermit makes his 6th and final appearance on The Art of Love Podcast, hosted by Lucia. This marks the last episode of this podcast as Lucia hosts her Good Bye Show. Frank Kermit, the guest holding the record for most appearances is interviewed for a brief good bye interview.
Answering The "Should I have an Affair with Younger Man?" Question
Date: March 18, 2012, Title: The Art of Love Podcast with Lucia
Frank Kermit makes his 5th appearance on The Art of Love Podcast, hosted by Lucia. On this show, Lucia receives an email from a woman who has been married for 20+years but is sexual unsatisfied and is thinking about having an affair with a much younger man renting their basement. Lucia posted this question on Facebook, and Frank responded in a way that Lucia invited Frank to come on air for the second half of her show.
Frank Kermit makes his 5th appearance on The Art of Love Podcast, hosted by Lucia. On this show, Lucia receives an email from a woman who has been married for 20+years but is sexual unsatisfied and is thinking about having an affair with a much younger man renting their basement. Lucia posted this question on Facebook, and Frank responded in a way that Lucia invited Frank to come on air for the second half of her show.
Date: June 6, 2011 Title: The Art of Love Podcast with Lucia
Frank Kermit makes his 4th appearance on The Art of Love Podcast, hosted by Lucia. On this show, Frank and Lucia talk about an article that Lucia wrote regarding nice guys and why women like jerks. the article went viral and to help address a number of the responses from male readers, Frank and Lucia will dissect the article to figure out what the controversy is all about.
Frank Kermit makes his 4th appearance on The Art of Love Podcast, hosted by Lucia. On this show, Frank and Lucia talk about an article that Lucia wrote regarding nice guys and why women like jerks. the article went viral and to help address a number of the responses from male readers, Frank and Lucia will dissect the article to figure out what the controversy is all about.
Date: September 19, 2010, Title: The Art of Love Podcast with Lucia
Frank Kermit makes his 3rd appearance on The Art of Love Podcast, hosted by Lucia. On this show, Frank and Lucia talk the Making Monogamy Work. Who does monogamy hurt more - men or women? What are the rules of monogamy? Is there a difference between monogamy and commitment?
Frank Kermit makes his 3rd appearance on The Art of Love Podcast, hosted by Lucia. On this show, Frank and Lucia talk the Making Monogamy Work. Who does monogamy hurt more - men or women? What are the rules of monogamy? Is there a difference between monogamy and commitment?
Date: July 25, 2010, Title: The Art of Love Podcast with Lucia
Frank Kermit makes his 2nd appearance on The Art of Love Podcast, hosted by Lucia. On this show, Frank and Lucia talk the Emotional Needs of Women and Frank's book The Emotional Needs Analysis Workbook volume 1. If a woman doesn't want to have sex with a man, it's because he's not satisfying one or more of her emotional needs. Find out what they are in this truly enlightening interview with Frank Kermit, relationship coach and author of, "The Emotional Needs Analysis Workbook".
Frank Kermit makes his 2nd appearance on The Art of Love Podcast, hosted by Lucia. On this show, Frank and Lucia talk the Emotional Needs of Women and Frank's book The Emotional Needs Analysis Workbook volume 1. If a woman doesn't want to have sex with a man, it's because he's not satisfying one or more of her emotional needs. Find out what they are in this truly enlightening interview with Frank Kermit, relationship coach and author of, "The Emotional Needs Analysis Workbook".
Date: June 6, 2010, Title: The Art of Love Podcast with Lucia
Frank Kermit is a guest on The Art of Love Podcast, hosted by Lucia. On this show, Frank and Lucia talk the Emotional Needs of Men and Frank's book The Emotional Needs OF MEN Analysis Workbook.
Frank Kermit is a guest on The Art of Love Podcast, hosted by Lucia. On this show, Frank and Lucia talk the Emotional Needs of Men and Frank's book The Emotional Needs OF MEN Analysis Workbook.
Frank Interviews Lucia
Episode #1010, Original Air Date: July 2010
Lucia is a Dating and Relationship Expert whose intent is to entertain, educate and enlighten. Known throughout major media as a "Cougar Expert", Lucia defends and coaches older women who are dating and in relationships with younger men. In addition to her Cougar expertise she also produces an internet podcast radio show, writes a weekly column, has authored a book and has appeared regularly on multiple talk shows including The Tyra Banks Show and The Dr. Phil Show
Lucia is a Dating and Relationship Expert whose intent is to entertain, educate and enlighten. Known throughout major media as a "Cougar Expert", Lucia defends and coaches older women who are dating and in relationships with younger men. In addition to her Cougar expertise she also produces an internet podcast radio show, writes a weekly column, has authored a book and has appeared regularly on multiple talk shows including The Tyra Banks Show and The Dr. Phil Show
- Published on
Too Picky for Dating
Sad Mistakes Singles Make # 1:
Being too Picky in Dating
By Frank Kermit
Being Too Picky Gets Too Sticky
It saddens me greatly when singles self sabotage by being too picky and let their own shallowness and insecurities get in the way. I find this happens even when someone else makes it clear that there is a mutual interest. There are single people, who will resist taking action even when presented with their chance to actually have a date with someone who is interested in him or her, as much as he or she is interested back.
Recent examples of this are the results from the very first Speed Dating Montreal event I hosted. Everyone comes in with an open mind...at least those who make it past the door. I was greeted by the number of people who came right up to the door, only to get cold feet and panic, and rush out again, after nothing more than a quick glimpse of the amount of other attendees.
There were those that went through the registration process and left before the event actually began including excuses such as "not enough people", and "not enough in my age range". One person who left early sat in his car just outside the event telling late comers he was leaving as there were not enough people in there, perhaps attempting to discourage more adventurous singles from doing what he was too nervous to do? Not sure.
However, the wonderful irony of this situation? Within 12 minutes of all those people leaving including the car-town crier who finally sped off, about 10 more people came in and helped to balance out the numbers of attendees. And once the event was over, I noted a couple of people saying they would have liked to choose a particular person for a match up, but were reluctant to do so, for a reason they could not articulate.
Finally, when the matches were made, and I contacted the participants, there were at least two that hemmed-and-hawed saying they could not actually go on a date with that person (despite the fact they both agreed to be matched up the night before and even wrote down their interest to confirm it) because they just worried that it would not work out anyways.
People get in their own way for one reason. People have a fear of intimacy.
When someone is so extremely picky that they get into very solitary situations there is a deeper issue at work.
A fear of intimacy is a very sticky substance to douse ones-self in. Once you start along this slippery slope of fear-glue it just gets harder and harder to crack the outer shell that crusts over you, like a cocoon of solitude, that forbids any meaningful connections to penetrate in.
There is no honor is being too picky when you are single and lonely. There is no sense in rejecting people interested in dating you because you simply "are not into them". If every person that you are so "into", is not "into" you, that is not you having high standards. That is you finally having an acceptable excuse not to put yourself out on the dating market. It is easier to blame everyone else for not being good enough, when you know the truth is that you just want to reject him or her, before they reject you first.
No one likes being rejected. No one likes being hurt. However, the joys associated with being connected with others comes with risks, and if you are not open to the hurt that comes with taking risks, you will also never get to immerse yourself in the passion of a fruitful loving relationship.
So before you disqualify someone for being too old, too young, too fat, too thin, too tall, too short, too poor, (funny that no one has ever told me that they are rejecting someone for being too rich) or for any other reason that you can think up on the spot, consider this reality check: If you were already a super-duper prize, then you would not single and lonely. Sorry for the harsh truth, but reality will always slap you when you delude yourself long enough. Better you hear it from me than have life slap you first.
Then there are those people that do reverse-pickiness. They self-reject so that they do not have to even try to date people. This is where a person will tarnish their own value and claim that no one would want to date them (even if someone has made the opposite intention clear). Instead of saying that the person he likes is too short, he claims she's too tall. Instead of saying that the person she likes is too young, she claims she is too old.
We all have standards. That is OK. But when your standards strand you alone, then your standards, are not standards...they are your enabling beliefs that keep you alone.
There is a difference between being single and being alone. Being single is a relationship status, whereas being alone is usually rooted in fear. Which do you want to be? It is up to you to set the example in your life. If you have something you believe works against you in relationships that you cannot nor will not change, then be the educator about how someone needs to feel comfortable with someone like you.
The best way to have others accept you, for both your good points and your faults, is to lead by example and accept yourself.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Get Out of the FriendZone
From Friends To Lovers:
Stop Being Someone’s Emotional Cookie
By Frank Kermit
You have been friends for a long time. You share secrets, you are there for each other and when the phone rings at 3 am, you are ready to pick it up and just listen while your best friend tells you about the problems he or she is having with the person they are dating. That friend of yours would do it for you as well, so what’s the problem? Oh right. You are in love with your best friend, and would rather your best friend be dating you, but they just don’t notice you in that way.
The entire concept of from friends to lovers plays out a lot in popular media. The idea that your “friend” at some point is just going to wake up one day and realize that you have been there all along is great for selling stories, but it does not work that way in real life.
A number of people that seek out relationship coaches usually already have someone in mind they would like to be with, and it usually is their best friend.
Is it possible to turn a friend into a lover, however that usually requires your friend to go through something major, maybe even traumatic, in order to be able to appreciate you. If your friend is not returning your attraction, or at least your romantic affections, it is likely you are simply not addressing your friend’s particular emotional needs that would cause that person to fall in love with you. Sometimes it takes a real crisis before a person’s emotional needs priorities change. Jane may have to reach a point where her abusive boyfriend almost kills her, before she can be in a position to find her non-violent but non-muscular friend John a sexy suitor. Bill may have to be pummeled through an emotionally and financially draining divorce before he can appreciate his slightly plain-looking friend Betty as the best girlfriend he could possibly have.
Notwithstanding the crisis your friend has to go through in order to see you with eyes of love (or lust, whichever you prefer), the easier way to attract your friend is actually by stopping to be such good friends.
If you friend has ever made it a point to say that they would never date you because they would not want to ruin your friendship…leave and stop being such a good friend. When someone that knows you intimately, but platonically, rejects you, it is probably the nicest insult you will ever get, even though most people do not view that kind of rejection as an insult. It is one thing when someone that you do not know at all rejects you and refuses to date you or take your phone number. No insult there because they do not know you, but when it is someone that knows exactly what a great relationship partner you could be (or at least how great YOU think you are), and they STILL reject you…take it for what it is. It is an insult that should make you want to focus your time on someone that actually wants you romantically.
If you want your old friend to be your newest lover, you have to stop being the emotional cookie comfort. Think of it like how some people need to be comforted, and when they feel that way, they turn to eating cookies. It is not healthy for them, but it makes them feel better in the moment; and then when they are ready to face the world and are no longer in need of that comfort, they don’t particularly appreciate the cookie anymore. Sometimes they even make disparaging remarks about the cookies that were there for them, and how those cookies were good, but not what they REALLY needed.
When you are in love with your best friend, and your best friend uses you for comfort, but does not think you are worthy of being romantically involved with you…YOU ARE BEING AN EMOTIONAL COOKIE.
The BEST way to get a friend to see you as something more than just an emotional cookie is to stop being so available to your friend, and spend your time actively looking to meet someone new for your romantic intentions. This means no more spending your Friday and Saturday nights, and Sunday afternoons (optimal date times) with your friend. No more taking those 3 am phone calls. And most important…START DATING OTHER PEOPLE.
Pledging your time to someone that does not return your affects does not prove your level of loyalty. All it proves is that you have no sense of your own value as a relationship partner. If you cannot demonstrate through your actions that you recognize your value, your friend certainly never will. Keep in mind that continuing to hold out for a friend like that can damage you emotionally, and train you to build attachments to people that treat you as if you are unwanted. People are their repeating behavior patterns.
There is a pretty good chance that once you are too busy with your new partner(s) that your friend might start to wonder if they missed out on something. After all, if someone else desires you, maybe your friend desire should too. And the next time you friend calls you at 3 am, and you do not answer, your friend can wonder if someone else was occupying your time at that particular hour. Hopefully, someone is.
Part of the problem is that your friend does not recognize you as a sexual being and potential sexual partner. The best way to prove you are, is to demonstrate that others recognize it in you…action speaks louder than words, and that is why it does not work to “argue” your friend into dating you, or to settle for you. You deserve to be someone’s first choice, not someone’s back up.
The best part is, once you get used to having a new partner that appreciates you romantically, it is likely that you might stop seeing that best friend of yours as anything more than a past waste of your attention.
I wish you all great love, sex, dating and relationships for the new year! Make it the year of your heart!
Frank Kermit
- Published on
The Symbol of Your Ex
When Your Ex Becomes a Symbol in Your Life
By Frank Kermit
We are surrounded by the power of symbols. A symbol is more than just a design we recognize; symbols are a means of making meaning. Whatever the symbol, or character-symbol, the purpose is to convey a meaning to an audience. Symbols have a way of reaching people. Whether it is the symbol of a dollar sign ($), horoscope Gemini sign, or colored ribbon remembrance, all symbols have the intent to carry on a meaning for the audience and if properly effective, a symbol leaves an emotional impact.
The ribbon is not just a piece of material but a testament to those that may have died from, or survived, breast cancer. The Gemini sign is not some doodle on a paper, but a means to connect to energies unknown that can influence our life's journey. The dollar sign is not merely to describe the concept of money and value, but may also represent a symbol of hardship, connecting to a memory of when someone did not have enough money to afford the basics; just as that same symbol of the dollar sign may represent a reminder of the power of what you can earn to someone else.
We do not just look at the Golden Arches. We making meaning of them and interpret deserving a break today, childhood, and singing about "two all-beef patties, special sauce, etc..." However the most powerful symbols are the ones that have some element of sentience to them...character symbols we recognize as people. From as far back as breakfast cereal commercials, we formed relationships with character symbols such as "Tony the Tiger", "Toucan Sam" and "Snap", "Crackle", "Pop". Where the Golden Arches reach their limits, "Ronald" can pick up the burger and carry it over the goal line to make the touchdown scoring an emotional impact.
But what if the clown that has become a symbol in your life happens to be a relationship ex who has come to represent everything that is wrong with you?
Have you ever struggled to get over an ex, even when you are the one that ended the relationship? Have you ever struggled to move on with your life, even though you know intellectually that your ex was completely wrong for you? Do you remember your ex and your relationship with your ex, as being so much better than it was, and can only be reminded of that fully when either an outside person points it out, or (gasp!) you rekindle with your ex and realize what a mistake you just made? Chances are that your ex has become a symbol for you.
Turning an ex into a symbol is not that difficult a process. If you spend way too much time fantasizing about your ex, or more specifically, fantasizing about how great your life would have been with your ex, you are effectively turning your ex into a symbol. Your ex, the real one, is human. Your real ex is a human with all the positive and negative traits that make a person human. Your real ex is a human that is as flawed as dinged as the rest of us. However, the symbol of your ex is perfect. The symbol of your ex is superbly attractive, says all the right things, responds to your every communication exactly the way you need it. In this way, the symbol of your ex could represent how wonderfully perfect you wish your life could be and no amount of reality, including a new relationship partner, or even your real ex, could ever live up to that.
If you feel any shame or guilt about the nature of your break up, the symbol of your ex could be something that continues to make you feel bad about yourself because the symbol of your ex could be a reminder of all the mistakes you think you made that caused you to feel the pain you are in during your heartbreak. At this point, the idea of reconciliation with your ex could be interpreted as the only way to correct the errors of your past and prove that you are forgivable. This of course does not pan out in the real world. If ever you do manage to get your ex back, even if you have healed that part of you that was in part responsible for the break up, your ex is still your ex. If you and your ex have both healed your broken parts, then you are essentially new people that may not be compatible. If only one of you has healed the broken parts, then the repeating behavior patterns of the other are still in effect and will take their toll on the relationship. No matter what anyone in the couple says...there are always two sides to every break up that each partner must accept responsibility for.
When trying to get over an ex, an important step of the process is to acknowledge the differences between your ex as the imperfect human being (the real ex) verses the symbol of your ex who you likely and unfairly compare to every new potential love that comes into your life. You do have a choice. Accept the reality and move on, or stay stuck on the fantasy of the ex...who never actually existed.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Stop talking about your ex
Stop Talking So Much About Your Ex
By Frank Kermit
So you are on a date with someone new. You are excited. You are nervous. You hope that this is finally going to be the one. You meet. So far, you both like what you see. This is going good. You start talking about personal interests. Then your date does it. Your date starts to talk about an ex...and it is not just a passing mention that is brief in nature.
Your date keeps talking about the ex, to the point where you decide that your date is likely still way too hooked on the ex to be emotionally available to be in a relationship with you. The date ends. You are disappointed because the search goes on to find a more suitable partner. Your date, that in fact, may be fully interested in seeing you again, is disappointed that you did not make any connection, and chances are, your date has no idea what he or she did to turn you off.
Talking constantly about an ex while on a date is a red flag. It is a turn off, because talking constantly about an ex is like resurrecting a ghost. When it comes to romantic endeavors, flesh and blood imperfect human beings simply cannot compete with the fantastical fantasy phantoms of someone's idealize past lover.
Those people who would be higher quality potential partners, likely have learned not to bother even trying to fight the ghosts and just walk away. When you are on a date, talk about the things you love and the values you embody, and leave your ex in the past.
Now, if the only meaningful life experiences you have to share are only associated with a particular ex, then take it as a sign that you need to stop waiting to have someone to try new things with, and head out on your own.
For example, if you love dancing but the only dancing stories you have are directly related to an ex, then consider going out dancing with friends, or even taking dance lessons by yourself so that you can meet new people. In this way, you explore your love of dancing, and can share stories about your love of dancing that will be separate from stories of your ex.
If you are still hooked on your ex, to the point where you will not give someone new a legitimate chance at your heart, at the very least be honest about it with the new person you are dating. When on a date, let the person know that you are recovering from a severely broken heart, BUT that should be the extent of any talk about the ex. This gives the other person the ability to make an informed choice for him or her self as to whether or not they want to continue trying with you.
Some people will be OK with it, and are just glad to have someone to spend time with and have some fun. Some people are looking for emotionally available people for a serious relationship and those people will bolt away fast. Some people are in exactly the same predicament as you and are thrilled that they are not alone in their misery, happy to have the company.
A date is NOT a time to be going into a therapeutic discussion. When you are on a date, focus on the person you are with and get to know that person and what role that person can play in your life (friend, lover, serious long term partner).
While you make getting to know the person a fun process, leave the discussions about your unresolved issues with the ex for when you come into the coach's office.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
How Long Do You Wait Until You Date Again?
How Soon Do You Start Dating
After A Break Up?
By Frank Kermit
"How much time should I wait before I start dating again?" is a common question that I get asked from someone that has just recently gotten dumped, and still suffering a broken heart. I always tell them the same thing: none. The sooner you start getting out there, the better. The shock, and startling surprise from people sets in, and then a calm comes over them when the realization also sets in that they are free to do what they want.
If you are going to break up with someone, you had better mean it. You had better be sure that you do not want a future with that person, and that you are ready to hear about your soon to be ex partner having a new life with someone else.
Losing your temper, or feeling too overwhelmed are not solid excuses for a break up. If you break up after every fight, and then get back together after every cooling off period, all you are doing is turning a repeating behavior pattern into a solid habit that is going to take effect even after you get more serious in the future if you somehow end up living with, married or having children with that person.
On again, off again relationships are notorious for intermediate flings and love affairs that "do not count" as cheating because the partners were "on a break" at the time. The problem with this pattern is that, although it may start as a legitimate attempt to break up, or a mistake in letting anger gets the best of you, it can easily turn into a means of casually breaking off your primary relationship, not because there is anything wrong with it, but because you need an excuse to try to date someone new without it technically being cheating. One of the worst potential consequences is that this kind of repeating behavior pattern is hard to break even when you finally end up in a great relationship with someone totally new, as your old standard behavior pattern is to break up instead of fix the problem head on. Long-term relationship success is not for quitters.
Some break ups turn out to be nothing more than emotionally abusive tactics employed by manipulative toxic people. These manipulators usually target emotionally vulnerable people who have inherit deep rooted fears of abandonment, and a manipulator will time a dramatic break up to lay siege on a vulnerable person's need for security at the worst possible time, in order to put that victim into a state of hyper-panic. This places the victim in a zone where the emotions are so overwhelming that the victim then agrees to just about anything as a means to sooth their anxiety. The manipulator's tactic is complete when the manipulator comes back just before the traumatic effects start to subside in the victim. This allows for the manipulator to capitalize on enforcing the victim's attachment to staying with the abuser at all costs to stave off deep emotional hardships.
For this reason, when someone breaks up with you, and assuming this is a routine occurrence, the BEST ADVICE in such a break up dynamic is YOU NEVER TAKE THE BREAK UP ARTIST BACK.
Dating other people right away is a reminder that your ex partner is just one of many people you can potentially connect with. It is not about how attracted you are to your new date it is about getting back into the habit of realizing your ex is not the only person out there.
So the next time you are thinking about temporarily breaking up with your partner as a tactic to "keep'em on their toes", you may want to re-think that strategy. All you are doing is giving someone that has been waiting for you to step out of the picture long enough, to make a move and make your ex, his or her new partner...And rightfully so. Breaking up with someone is not "a tactic". It is a choice you make, and be sure that you can live with the consequences of saying goodbye.
In my personal philosophy, everyone has the right to seek out a soul mate without interference. When you break up with someone, your ex has that right to seek out someone new that could be his or her next soul mate. Getting in their way is simply unethical.
One very key understanding to dating after a break up, is that you are ONLY suppose to -date- and not get into serious relationships right away. It is normal to be a little emotionally vulnerable after a nasty break up, and seeking comfort in someone new is very OK. As long as you understand, and the person you are dating is also made to understand, that due to your recent break up, getting into a serious commitment is not permissible at this time. Date each new person no more than once a week, and date as many people as you can.
One last dating tip: In the event that the person who left you does come back begging to reconcile, and in the event you want to give that person a chance, the only way to make it work for the long term is that you only date your ex again once a week to start off, and have your ex earn your trust, commitment and TIME all over again. They have to start at the bottom all over again just like any one new you are dating. If you simply pick up where you left off, all you are encouraging is for your re-partner to break up with you again and again when the fancy strikes. That is not love. That is just loopy.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
The Top 3 Frank Wing Rules
By Frank Kermit
WING is the term used to define the person that is helping you in your quest to connect with the target of your heart's desire. The role of a wing (whether a wingman or a wing-girl) is simple to understand, but not always easy to pull off. Your duty as a wing-person is to help someone get more opportunity to spend time alone with whomever that person wants to be with.
This can involve talking to the friends of the target person, so that those said friends do not interfere with the impending conversation. It can involve being a fill-in on a double date because someone is unable to date at all unless they are able to bring a tag-along chaperone. It can simply involve being a cheering section, where the wing does not take part in any conversation with anyone, and is just there for emotional support and encouragement as someone faces their fears in trying to be more open in a social situation. Having been a wing myself, and having depended on wings in the past, I learned the hard way that there are some top rules to make winging a winning success.
1.Do not travel with your wing. In cases where you are out about town looking to meet new people or trying to better engage someone you already know and like, and want to be open to seeing a potentially romantic interaction through to whatever end you are seeking (for example, sex at the end of the night), never be dependant on your wing for a lift, and never be stuck having to cut the party short because your wing needs to turn in for an early morning appointment. Even if you arrive together, be willing to leave separately as the conditions require. If you are too dependent on a lift because you cannot afford your own way home, you should not be out with a wing.
2.Beware the folly of professional wing services. There are actually paid services where you can hire people to be your wings. Usually, they pretend to be your friend and their goal is to introduce you to new people at a social setting, which relieves you of having to make the initial approach and risk rejection. Now, if all someone is looking for is one night stands and casual hook-ups, then it could work.
However, the folly of using these services is that in the event that you meet someone that you really connect with, and there is a real potential for a long term relationship, you are now in the messy predicament of either telling your new partner the truth (that you hired a wing service to help you meet up which could taint how your new partner would relate to you), or to forever keep it a secret and lie about who those wing service pseudo-friends really were (which starts your relationship on a falsehood). Buildings that are constructed on foundations that already have cracks in them make it easier to knock those buildings down.
3. Choose Wings Wisely. Do not choose someone to be your wing just because you are BFF (best friends forever). Your friends may be a reflection of you in terms of who you associate with, but a wing has a very specific goal, which is to give you the time, space and opportunity you need to either meet someone new, or to see if you can take your relationship to the next level with someone you already like. Your friends may not actually be able to help you achieve that goal, especially if they feel in competition for your attention themselves. Friends can sabotage you, without intending too, for the simple fact, their goal may be to spend time with you, and not help you be with someone else.
There is more to share on this topic, but that can be explored in a future article.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
WING is the term used to define the person that is helping you in your quest to connect with the target of your heart's desire. The role of a wing (whether a wingman or a wing-girl) is simple to understand, but not always easy to pull off. Your duty as a wing-person is to help someone get more opportunity to spend time alone with whomever that person wants to be with.
This can involve talking to the friends of the target person, so that those said friends do not interfere with the impending conversation. It can involve being a fill-in on a double date because someone is unable to date at all unless they are able to bring a tag-along chaperone. It can simply involve being a cheering section, where the wing does not take part in any conversation with anyone, and is just there for emotional support and encouragement as someone faces their fears in trying to be more open in a social situation. Having been a wing myself, and having depended on wings in the past, I learned the hard way that there are some top rules to make winging a winning success.
1.Do not travel with your wing. In cases where you are out about town looking to meet new people or trying to better engage someone you already know and like, and want to be open to seeing a potentially romantic interaction through to whatever end you are seeking (for example, sex at the end of the night), never be dependant on your wing for a lift, and never be stuck having to cut the party short because your wing needs to turn in for an early morning appointment. Even if you arrive together, be willing to leave separately as the conditions require. If you are too dependent on a lift because you cannot afford your own way home, you should not be out with a wing.
2.Beware the folly of professional wing services. There are actually paid services where you can hire people to be your wings. Usually, they pretend to be your friend and their goal is to introduce you to new people at a social setting, which relieves you of having to make the initial approach and risk rejection. Now, if all someone is looking for is one night stands and casual hook-ups, then it could work.
However, the folly of using these services is that in the event that you meet someone that you really connect with, and there is a real potential for a long term relationship, you are now in the messy predicament of either telling your new partner the truth (that you hired a wing service to help you meet up which could taint how your new partner would relate to you), or to forever keep it a secret and lie about who those wing service pseudo-friends really were (which starts your relationship on a falsehood). Buildings that are constructed on foundations that already have cracks in them make it easier to knock those buildings down.
3. Choose Wings Wisely. Do not choose someone to be your wing just because you are BFF (best friends forever). Your friends may be a reflection of you in terms of who you associate with, but a wing has a very specific goal, which is to give you the time, space and opportunity you need to either meet someone new, or to see if you can take your relationship to the next level with someone you already like. Your friends may not actually be able to help you achieve that goal, especially if they feel in competition for your attention themselves. Friends can sabotage you, without intending too, for the simple fact, their goal may be to spend time with you, and not help you be with someone else.
There is more to share on this topic, but that can be explored in a future article.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Friendship Is Meaningless
Stop Hanging Out With Friends
Who Sexually Reject You
By Frank Kermit
Friendship is meaningless. There I said it. Now before you shoot one of your nasty emails to the editor, actually read this column to understand the context where this is true.
A young man in his 20s came up to me after a workshop I conducted. He had really made an effort to participate to learn about how attraction works, and he seemed troubled by something I had said. It was in the context of calling friendship meaningless when one person has affection for the other, but the other person does not return that affection. He was in a situation where he was spending every Saturday night with a female friend that he was in love with.
They would watch movies at home, and even hold hands, but when he tried to kiss her or talk about getting into a dating relationship, she would reject all his advances. She was a single mom and had no interest in dating anyone. All she wanted was to raise her kid, and spend time with friends, but not get involved with anyone.
So, he continued to hang out with her every Saturday night, sometimes holding hands but nothing else waiting for the day she would change her mind. At the same time, there was a second girl in this story that was interested in dating him, however he could not see past his "movie buddy" to give the second girl a chance.
The guy is this story is wasting his time on a meaningless friendship. He wants a romantic relationship with a female friend that is sexually rejecting him. The second girl in this story is also wasting her time in a meaningless friendship waiting for a guy that does not value her enough to give her a chance at a deeper connection.
If either rejecter in this story had taken the chance with the person who loved them, they could be enjoying the benefits and happiness that can result from being in a loving relationship with someone that can know you like a friend, and feel you like a lover. However, many rejecters are reluctant to take the chance, often citing not wanting to lose the friendship.
Herein lies the irony. You cannot lose something that does not exist. There is no friendship to lose, because once someone has feelings for the other, the friendship becomes a facade. It is not real, because the one in love with the friend is holding out, waiting for the other to change.
Waiting for someone to change to like you enough to make the leap is not an acceptance of a friend, which is a requirement for friendship. If there was a friendship there originally, before the feelings of one person surfaced, then that friendship is now over. Romantic feelings negate the friendship.
Through my personal experience, as well as my practice as a relationship coach, I am very much convinced that constant exposure to a friend that you are in love with, that does not return that love, can be very emotionally damaging to the person who is on the receiving end of that sexual rejection.
Constantly exposing yourself to regular sexual rejection from them same person helps establish a repeating behavior pattern where you will eventually end up associating having feelings for someone with the feelings of being rejected.
This means that over time, you will have your attraction for someone triggered if they reject you and mistreat you, yet if someone that treats you well, or shows you positive romantic attentions, you will eventually train your emotional intelligence to get turned off by the very person that values you enough to take a relational risk with you.
This is why when someone sexually rejects you, it is important NOT to continue to spend time with that person under the guise of a friendship, in the hopes they will be open to it later.
That constant exposure to being rejected sexually again and again, instead of seeking the attentions of someone new, runs the risk of become too familiar to you. If constant sexual rejection becomes too familiar to you, you could develop an unhealthy attachment that would forever forge you into pursuing people that don't actually like you, or would just use you. (A-ha moment anyone?)
That same attachment would also turn you off from those individuals that are actually interested in having a legitimate loving relationship with you.
Staying in a friendship where you are constantly being sexually rejected is bad. It could make getting into a loving relationship in the future more challenging because you have trained yourself to respond to people that reject you, instead of responding to people that like you. The kind of friendship where this is going on is a bad friendship.
If you have to choose between maintaining a bad friendship or having no friendship of any kind with the person you asked out and rejected you, then it is better to have no friendship at all. A bad friendship is a meaningless friendship.
Frank Kermit
Stop Hanging Out With Friends
Who Sexually Reject You
By Frank Kermit
Friendship is meaningless. There I said it. Now before you shoot one of your nasty emails to the editor, actually read this column to understand the context where this is true.
A young man in his 20s came up to me after a workshop I conducted. He had really made an effort to participate to learn about how attraction works, and he seemed troubled by something I had said. It was in the context of calling friendship meaningless when one person has affection for the other, but the other person does not return that affection. He was in a situation where he was spending every Saturday night with a female friend that he was in love with.
They would watch movies at home, and even hold hands, but when he tried to kiss her or talk about getting into a dating relationship, she would reject all his advances. She was a single mom and had no interest in dating anyone. All she wanted was to raise her kid, and spend time with friends, but not get involved with anyone.
So, he continued to hang out with her every Saturday night, sometimes holding hands but nothing else waiting for the day she would change her mind. At the same time, there was a second girl in this story that was interested in dating him, however he could not see past his "movie buddy" to give the second girl a chance.
The guy is this story is wasting his time on a meaningless friendship. He wants a romantic relationship with a female friend that is sexually rejecting him. The second girl in this story is also wasting her time in a meaningless friendship waiting for a guy that does not value her enough to give her a chance at a deeper connection.
If either rejecter in this story had taken the chance with the person who loved them, they could be enjoying the benefits and happiness that can result from being in a loving relationship with someone that can know you like a friend, and feel you like a lover. However, many rejecters are reluctant to take the chance, often citing not wanting to lose the friendship.
Herein lies the irony. You cannot lose something that does not exist. There is no friendship to lose, because once someone has feelings for the other, the friendship becomes a facade. It is not real, because the one in love with the friend is holding out, waiting for the other to change.
Waiting for someone to change to like you enough to make the leap is not an acceptance of a friend, which is a requirement for friendship. If there was a friendship there originally, before the feelings of one person surfaced, then that friendship is now over. Romantic feelings negate the friendship.
Through my personal experience, as well as my practice as a relationship coach, I am very much convinced that constant exposure to a friend that you are in love with, that does not return that love, can be very emotionally damaging to the person who is on the receiving end of that sexual rejection.
Constantly exposing yourself to regular sexual rejection from them same person helps establish a repeating behavior pattern where you will eventually end up associating having feelings for someone with the feelings of being rejected.
This means that over time, you will have your attraction for someone triggered if they reject you and mistreat you, yet if someone that treats you well, or shows you positive romantic attentions, you will eventually train your emotional intelligence to get turned off by the very person that values you enough to take a relational risk with you.
This is why when someone sexually rejects you, it is important NOT to continue to spend time with that person under the guise of a friendship, in the hopes they will be open to it later.
That constant exposure to being rejected sexually again and again, instead of seeking the attentions of someone new, runs the risk of become too familiar to you. If constant sexual rejection becomes too familiar to you, you could develop an unhealthy attachment that would forever forge you into pursuing people that don't actually like you, or would just use you. (A-ha moment anyone?)
That same attachment would also turn you off from those individuals that are actually interested in having a legitimate loving relationship with you.
Staying in a friendship where you are constantly being sexually rejected is bad. It could make getting into a loving relationship in the future more challenging because you have trained yourself to respond to people that reject you, instead of responding to people that like you. The kind of friendship where this is going on is a bad friendship.
If you have to choose between maintaining a bad friendship or having no friendship of any kind with the person you asked out and rejected you, then it is better to have no friendship at all. A bad friendship is a meaningless friendship.
Frank Kermit
