- Published on
single during the holidays
Single Going Into The Holiday Season
By Frank Kermit
The holidays can be a time of reflection for some to evaluate if they are where they would want to be with their love lives.
Many people who are struggling can end up asking themselves questions such as:
Why are all my friends in relationships, and I am still single?
Why does she just want to be friends with me?
Why won't he commitment to me?
While the holidays are usually associated with great images of joyous celebration, and scenes of happiness surrounded by family and loved ones, not everyone feels festive, especially if they are still trying to find a soul mate to share the holidays with.
The good news is that this is actually one of the BEST times of the year to go out to meet someone new to date. This is the time of year when people are usually the most open minded when it comes to trying to date different types of people than they previously dated beforehand for one simple reason:
No one wants to be alone for the holidays.
The pain of being alone as the holidays approach can be so fearfully devastating that some people may end up settling for less than what they want just so that they are not by themselves.
In other cases some people even go back to an ex and an emotionally unhealthy relationship because of the convenience, than to face the holiday season without a partner.
In fact, some people actually find dating an ex, even if the relationship was toxic and ended badly, more preferable than dealing with the awkwardness of starting to date someone new.
Fear based decision making can lead to more mistakes so much easier than most people think.
Here is a little exercise that you can do right now to avoid the pitfalls and mistakes singles tend to make going into the holiday season.
I want you to imagine your IDEAL holiday celebration.
For example, if you are afraid to be alone on New Year’s Eve without anyone to kiss at that first stroke of midnight, then sit down and visualize exactly what your IDEAL New Years Eve celebration would consist of.
Do not focus on specific people.
I want you to focus on YOU during those future projections. What are you wearing? What are you doing? How are you feeling? How do you look? What are you talking about?
Are you putting your newly learned dance steps into practice trying to seduce the new love of your life on the dance floor that will lead to your first magical midnight New Years Eve kiss? Are you charismatically enticing someone using your new charming communication and graceful storytelling skills?
Once you have that ideal in mind, work your way back to this moment in time to where you are right now, and ask yourself what you would have to do between now and that event to make your dream vision come true.
Sign up for dance lessons? Learn the art of small talk? Pick out a venue and new outfit for that night?
When you have an idea of where you want to end up, then you will better know what you need to do right now in order to get there.
If you are alone as the holidays approach, EMBRACE it. You have a choice. You can either feel sorry for yourself, or you can start to take action today and focus on what you can do right now, to be able to attract someone new into your love life.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
The holidays can be a time of reflection for some to evaluate if they are where they would want to be with their love lives.
Many people who are struggling can end up asking themselves questions such as:
Why are all my friends in relationships, and I am still single?
Why does she just want to be friends with me?
Why won't he commitment to me?
While the holidays are usually associated with great images of joyous celebration, and scenes of happiness surrounded by family and loved ones, not everyone feels festive, especially if they are still trying to find a soul mate to share the holidays with.
The good news is that this is actually one of the BEST times of the year to go out to meet someone new to date. This is the time of year when people are usually the most open minded when it comes to trying to date different types of people than they previously dated beforehand for one simple reason:
No one wants to be alone for the holidays.
The pain of being alone as the holidays approach can be so fearfully devastating that some people may end up settling for less than what they want just so that they are not by themselves.
In other cases some people even go back to an ex and an emotionally unhealthy relationship because of the convenience, than to face the holiday season without a partner.
In fact, some people actually find dating an ex, even if the relationship was toxic and ended badly, more preferable than dealing with the awkwardness of starting to date someone new.
Fear based decision making can lead to more mistakes so much easier than most people think.
Here is a little exercise that you can do right now to avoid the pitfalls and mistakes singles tend to make going into the holiday season.
I want you to imagine your IDEAL holiday celebration.
For example, if you are afraid to be alone on New Year’s Eve without anyone to kiss at that first stroke of midnight, then sit down and visualize exactly what your IDEAL New Years Eve celebration would consist of.
Do not focus on specific people.
I want you to focus on YOU during those future projections. What are you wearing? What are you doing? How are you feeling? How do you look? What are you talking about?
Are you putting your newly learned dance steps into practice trying to seduce the new love of your life on the dance floor that will lead to your first magical midnight New Years Eve kiss? Are you charismatically enticing someone using your new charming communication and graceful storytelling skills?
Once you have that ideal in mind, work your way back to this moment in time to where you are right now, and ask yourself what you would have to do between now and that event to make your dream vision come true.
Sign up for dance lessons? Learn the art of small talk? Pick out a venue and new outfit for that night?
When you have an idea of where you want to end up, then you will better know what you need to do right now in order to get there.
If you are alone as the holidays approach, EMBRACE it. You have a choice. You can either feel sorry for yourself, or you can start to take action today and focus on what you can do right now, to be able to attract someone new into your love life.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Stop Blaming The World That You Are Single
Sad Mistakes Singles Make # 1:
Being too Picky in Dating
By Frank Kermit
Being Too Picky Gets Too Sticky
It saddens me greatly when singles self sabotage by being too picky and let their own shallowness and insecurities get in the way. I find this happens even when someone else makes it clear that there is a mutual interest. There are single people, who will resist taking action even when presented with their chance to actually have a date with someone who is interested in him or her, as much as he or she is interested back.
Recent examples of this are the results from the very first Speed Dating Montreal event I hosted. Everyone comes in with an open mind...at least those who make it past the door. I was greeted by the number of people who came right up to the door, only to get cold feet and panic, and rush out again, after nothing more than a quick glimpse of the amount of other attendees.
There were those that went through the registration process and left before the event actually began including excuses such as "not enough people", and "not enough in my age range". One person who left early sat in his car just outside the event telling late comers he was leaving as there were not enough people in there, perhaps attempting to discourage more adventurous singles from doing what he was too nervous to do? Not sure.
However, the wonderful irony of this situation? Within 12 minutes of all those people leaving including the car-town crier who finally sped off, about 10 more people came in and helped to balance out the numbers of attendees. And once the event was over, I noted a couple of people saying they would have liked to choose a particular person for a match up, but were reluctant to do so, for a reason they could not articulate.
Finally, when the matches were made, and I contacted the participants, there were at least two that hemmed-and-hawed saying they could not actually go on a date with that person (despite the fact they both agreed to be matched up the night before and even wrote down their interest to confirm it) because they just worried that it would not work out anyways.
People get in their own way for one reason. People have a fear of intimacy.
When someone is so extremely picky that they get into very solitary situations there is a deeper issue at work.
A fear of intimacy is a very sticky substance to douse ones-self in. Once you start along this slippery slope of fear-glue it just gets harder and harder to crack the outer shell that crusts over you, like a cocoon of solitude, that forbids any meaningful connections to penetrate in.
There is no honor is being too picky when you are single and lonely. There is no sense in rejecting people interested in dating you because you simply "are not into them". If every person that you are so "into", is not "into" you, that is not you having high standards. That is you finally having an acceptable excuse not to put yourself out on the dating market. It is easier to blame everyone else for not being good enough, when you know the truth is that you just want to reject him or her, before they reject you first.
No one likes being rejected. No one likes being hurt. However, the joys associated with being connected with others comes with risks, and if you are not open to the hurt that comes with taking risks, you will also never get to immerse yourself in the passion of a fruitful loving relationship.
So before you disqualify someone for being too old, too young, too fat, too thin, too tall, too short, too poor, (funny that no one has ever told me that they are rejecting someone for being too rich) or for any other reason that you can think up on the spot, consider this reality check: If you were already a super-duper prize, then you would not single and lonely. Sorry for the harsh truth, but reality will always slap you when you delude yourself long enough. Better you hear it from me than have life slap you first.
Then there are those people that do reverse-pickiness. They self-reject so that they do not have to even try to date people. This is where a person will tarnish their own value and claim that no one would want to date them (even if someone has made the opposite intention clear). Instead of saying that the person he likes is too short, he claims she's too tall. Instead of saying that the person she likes is too young, she claims she is too old.
We all have standards. That is OK. But when your standards strand you alone, then your standards, are not standards...they are your enabling beliefs that keep you alone.
There is a difference between being single and being alone. Being single is a relationship status, whereas being alone is usually rooted in fear. Which do you want to be? It is up to you to set the example in your life. If you have something you believe works against you in relationships that you cannot nor will not change, then be the educator about how someone needs to feel comfortable with someone like you.
The best way to have others accept you, for both your good points and your faults, is to lead by example and accept yourself.
So Stop Blaming hook up culture, new technologies, the people who rejected you, the people you CHOSE to date, and society. You are single because of YOU. Wake up and become a commitment-worthy dating candidate if you want a serious commitment. ACT like a person that is worth a serious commitment. Just like any other goal in life, it is about YOU. Sign up for Coaching Now.
Frank Kermit
Being too Picky in Dating
By Frank Kermit
Being Too Picky Gets Too Sticky
It saddens me greatly when singles self sabotage by being too picky and let their own shallowness and insecurities get in the way. I find this happens even when someone else makes it clear that there is a mutual interest. There are single people, who will resist taking action even when presented with their chance to actually have a date with someone who is interested in him or her, as much as he or she is interested back.
Recent examples of this are the results from the very first Speed Dating Montreal event I hosted. Everyone comes in with an open mind...at least those who make it past the door. I was greeted by the number of people who came right up to the door, only to get cold feet and panic, and rush out again, after nothing more than a quick glimpse of the amount of other attendees.
There were those that went through the registration process and left before the event actually began including excuses such as "not enough people", and "not enough in my age range". One person who left early sat in his car just outside the event telling late comers he was leaving as there were not enough people in there, perhaps attempting to discourage more adventurous singles from doing what he was too nervous to do? Not sure.
However, the wonderful irony of this situation? Within 12 minutes of all those people leaving including the car-town crier who finally sped off, about 10 more people came in and helped to balance out the numbers of attendees. And once the event was over, I noted a couple of people saying they would have liked to choose a particular person for a match up, but were reluctant to do so, for a reason they could not articulate.
Finally, when the matches were made, and I contacted the participants, there were at least two that hemmed-and-hawed saying they could not actually go on a date with that person (despite the fact they both agreed to be matched up the night before and even wrote down their interest to confirm it) because they just worried that it would not work out anyways.
People get in their own way for one reason. People have a fear of intimacy.
When someone is so extremely picky that they get into very solitary situations there is a deeper issue at work.
A fear of intimacy is a very sticky substance to douse ones-self in. Once you start along this slippery slope of fear-glue it just gets harder and harder to crack the outer shell that crusts over you, like a cocoon of solitude, that forbids any meaningful connections to penetrate in.
There is no honor is being too picky when you are single and lonely. There is no sense in rejecting people interested in dating you because you simply "are not into them". If every person that you are so "into", is not "into" you, that is not you having high standards. That is you finally having an acceptable excuse not to put yourself out on the dating market. It is easier to blame everyone else for not being good enough, when you know the truth is that you just want to reject him or her, before they reject you first.
No one likes being rejected. No one likes being hurt. However, the joys associated with being connected with others comes with risks, and if you are not open to the hurt that comes with taking risks, you will also never get to immerse yourself in the passion of a fruitful loving relationship.
So before you disqualify someone for being too old, too young, too fat, too thin, too tall, too short, too poor, (funny that no one has ever told me that they are rejecting someone for being too rich) or for any other reason that you can think up on the spot, consider this reality check: If you were already a super-duper prize, then you would not single and lonely. Sorry for the harsh truth, but reality will always slap you when you delude yourself long enough. Better you hear it from me than have life slap you first.
Then there are those people that do reverse-pickiness. They self-reject so that they do not have to even try to date people. This is where a person will tarnish their own value and claim that no one would want to date them (even if someone has made the opposite intention clear). Instead of saying that the person he likes is too short, he claims she's too tall. Instead of saying that the person she likes is too young, she claims she is too old.
We all have standards. That is OK. But when your standards strand you alone, then your standards, are not standards...they are your enabling beliefs that keep you alone.
There is a difference between being single and being alone. Being single is a relationship status, whereas being alone is usually rooted in fear. Which do you want to be? It is up to you to set the example in your life. If you have something you believe works against you in relationships that you cannot nor will not change, then be the educator about how someone needs to feel comfortable with someone like you.
The best way to have others accept you, for both your good points and your faults, is to lead by example and accept yourself.
So Stop Blaming hook up culture, new technologies, the people who rejected you, the people you CHOSE to date, and society. You are single because of YOU. Wake up and become a commitment-worthy dating candidate if you want a serious commitment. ACT like a person that is worth a serious commitment. Just like any other goal in life, it is about YOU. Sign up for Coaching Now.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
friends sabotaging relationships
Beware Your Friends!
They May Not Want You To Be Loved
By Frank Kermit
Mistakes Singles Make # 6... Seeking the approval of friends that influences your love life choices.
Love may come and go, but a friendship can last a lifetime...or so they say. I used to believe it myself until a handful of experiences of having some of my own "friends" ruin my first few serious relationships. I also experienced being on the other side of it, when my partner's friends got more of a say our relationship than they should have. Those were very unpleasant experiences, but in retrospect, I am grateful they happened, as they taught me a very important life lesson.
I learned very early on in my life that a friend's interest in you being happy in your love life depends on if your happiness interferes with their lives. If you having a relationship with someone new in your life will get in the way of the expectations your friends place on you, then beware. Your friends could become the saboteurs at the crossroads of your journey in life.
Sometimes the source of your friend-turned-enemy is simple jealousy. Why should you be happy when they are not as happy, even if your friend already has a partner? I find these stories much more common with my women clients. Some women simply cannot stand to see their girl friends find someone to be special to them. A relationship steals a friend's attention off her (just EVIL!). In fact, I know of a number of older women who struggle to have her friends introduce her to potential mates because many of her friends (usually coupled up and started families) mention (in a joking manner of course) that the couple would lose a great babysitter. Unfortunately, it turns out not to be that much of a joke.
Sometimes the source of your friend-turned-enemy can be the fact that a new loving relationship interferes with a certain lifestyle of good times that friends have become accustom to having together. This is more common among the men I coach, as guys get resentful when a new relationship costs them a wingman
As I teach it, a real friend helps you get what you want. If you want sex, a friend does not stand in your way. If you want to date someone, a friend does not encourage you against it. If you want to take your relationship to the next level, a friend gives your new partner a chance and gets to know him or her. And if you get very serious with someone that your friend does not necessarily think is right for you (for ANY reason), a real friend sticks by your decision and accepts you despite not approving of your partner choice. Anything else (barring a seriously dysfunctional relationship involving abusive that your friend wants you to stay aware from) is not a sign of a real friendship, but an indication that it was a relation of convenience. Just because someone is your friend, does not mean they will be your ally in love.
That is at the heart of when you have to choose between your friends and your partner. Your happiness must never be based on your friend's approval. You are the one that must accept the consequences of your choices. Whether those consequences are your life being ruined for choosing the wrong person OR living a (for lack of a better term) happily-ever-after, those are your consequences to deal with, not your friends consequences. If you want to get to know someone, but are reluctant to give that person a chance because you are afraid that your friends will not approve (for example, if your friends would accuse you of lowering your standards because the person you happen to like is someone they would consider unattractive, then you deserve all the misery a lonely future can have installed for you.
Sorry, but whether you do what you want, or you do what your friends want...the consequences of your choices are always the same...they are always YOURS. Until you grow up and come to terms with the fact that the only approval you really need to build the love life you want is your own, you will never get to the higher levels of awareness to be able to have the intimate connections you have heard so much about.
Frank Kermit
They May Not Want You To Be Loved
By Frank Kermit
Mistakes Singles Make # 6... Seeking the approval of friends that influences your love life choices.
Love may come and go, but a friendship can last a lifetime...or so they say. I used to believe it myself until a handful of experiences of having some of my own "friends" ruin my first few serious relationships. I also experienced being on the other side of it, when my partner's friends got more of a say our relationship than they should have. Those were very unpleasant experiences, but in retrospect, I am grateful they happened, as they taught me a very important life lesson.
I learned very early on in my life that a friend's interest in you being happy in your love life depends on if your happiness interferes with their lives. If you having a relationship with someone new in your life will get in the way of the expectations your friends place on you, then beware. Your friends could become the saboteurs at the crossroads of your journey in life.
Sometimes the source of your friend-turned-enemy is simple jealousy. Why should you be happy when they are not as happy, even if your friend already has a partner? I find these stories much more common with my women clients. Some women simply cannot stand to see their girl friends find someone to be special to them. A relationship steals a friend's attention off her (just EVIL!). In fact, I know of a number of older women who struggle to have her friends introduce her to potential mates because many of her friends (usually coupled up and started families) mention (in a joking manner of course) that the couple would lose a great babysitter. Unfortunately, it turns out not to be that much of a joke.
Sometimes the source of your friend-turned-enemy can be the fact that a new loving relationship interferes with a certain lifestyle of good times that friends have become accustom to having together. This is more common among the men I coach, as guys get resentful when a new relationship costs them a wingman
As I teach it, a real friend helps you get what you want. If you want sex, a friend does not stand in your way. If you want to date someone, a friend does not encourage you against it. If you want to take your relationship to the next level, a friend gives your new partner a chance and gets to know him or her. And if you get very serious with someone that your friend does not necessarily think is right for you (for ANY reason), a real friend sticks by your decision and accepts you despite not approving of your partner choice. Anything else (barring a seriously dysfunctional relationship involving abusive that your friend wants you to stay aware from) is not a sign of a real friendship, but an indication that it was a relation of convenience. Just because someone is your friend, does not mean they will be your ally in love.
That is at the heart of when you have to choose between your friends and your partner. Your happiness must never be based on your friend's approval. You are the one that must accept the consequences of your choices. Whether those consequences are your life being ruined for choosing the wrong person OR living a (for lack of a better term) happily-ever-after, those are your consequences to deal with, not your friends consequences. If you want to get to know someone, but are reluctant to give that person a chance because you are afraid that your friends will not approve (for example, if your friends would accuse you of lowering your standards because the person you happen to like is someone they would consider unattractive, then you deserve all the misery a lonely future can have installed for you.
Sorry, but whether you do what you want, or you do what your friends want...the consequences of your choices are always the same...they are always YOURS. Until you grow up and come to terms with the fact that the only approval you really need to build the love life you want is your own, you will never get to the higher levels of awareness to be able to have the intimate connections you have heard so much about.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Seductive Halloween Costumes
Seductive Halloween Costumes
By Frank Kermit
I have always loved Halloween. It is likely one of my most favorite days of the year, except for the fact that I do not like being scared, scaring others, nor the celebration of gore and villains that some Halloween celebrations have turned it into. The part that I love about Halloween is the dress up part. I have always seen it as an opportunity to try on a new persona.
Whether it was to bring out and possibly exaggerate a hidden part of you that has always existed, or the freedom to try out a persona completely outside your own self, I have always adored Halloween as a means of self-exploration. It is one of the few times people feel safe to do so in public because under the Halloween banner, it is more socially acceptable.
Halloween costumes can be anything you want. However, when it comes to dating and relationship coaching, even Halloween costumes can have more intent and meaning attached.
For example, if you are going to a Halloween costume party, your choice of costume can very well influence your ability to attract a single person to you, or make a statement about you already being in a relationship.
If you are in a newly formed relationship and are ready to make a more public statement about it to your existing social circles, the right pair of costumes may suit you well.
For example, if you are in a relationship, you and your partner may want to wear complimentary costumes, so that the message of “we-come-together” is better stated. Couples themed costumes help send the message that you are there to have fun with your partner, but there is no mistaking that the two of you came together, and will leave together.
For example, Couples who wear Peanut Butter and Jelly costumes respectively, Partners in Crime Jail Bird Costumes, even a bride and groom costume (get imaginative with the marriage theme). All of them serve to point out that you are one of a pair that come-and-go together. These categories also include going in costume as well known twosomes such as Fred and Wilma Flintstone, Star Trek’s Riker and Troi, and even Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb.
If you are single, the best advice I can offer about your choice of costume is to pick something that will meet two criteria.
The first is to pick a costume that has a story to it. Nothing more seductive than the ability to tell a story about a peak life experience of yours, or being able to share a part of yourself that is brought up in conversation through your costume. If you were hoping you would get the chance to talk about your last skydiving jump, or scaling a dangerous cliff, then costumes of skydivers and rock climbers are just the ticket. If you were hoping to let a potential partner know how much you believe in magical love connections, maybe a costume of a wizard may be in order to help you cast your spell of attraction.
These also include costumes of romantic figures such as Zorro, various superheroes, and professions of doctors, nurses, police officers, fire fighters and other fantasy fueling costumes. If there is any sort of stereotypical fantasy role-playing involved, these costumes may bring you some attention that you can capitalize on to meet other singles seeking the same.
The second is to pick a costume that allows for more intimate interactions, just in case you do happen to meet someone you really like and want to get closer to that night. To put it more bluntly, if you are single and seeking to select the right costume, pick something that you could easily initiate and take part in a make-out session. If you have to remove your mask just to be able to kiss, it is not a seductive costume.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Credibility Creates Commitment
Credibility Creates Commitment
By Frank Kermit
When someone comes to me for coaching to figure out why they are still single despite being able to attract a number of partners to date, I start coaching them with an assessment of what happens on those dates to look for actions and behaviors that may be turning off potential life partners. Most people are often unaware of the things they may be doing or saying that causes the other person to halt any potential commitment.
One of the behaviors that I often spot is how a person lacks credibility in the way they communicate, which I believe to be a source of why they may be able to attract a lot of dates, but none of them turn into a serious commitment. Although there are people who are commitment-phobic (who self sabotage a potential serious relationship because of a deep rooted fear that a committed relationship is related to more pain than it would bring pleasure), this is not always the case when dealing with people that WANT a serious commitment and associate being single with being in pain.
An easy way to summarize a lack of credibility is whether or not someone is caught breaking his or her own rules. It does not matter what your rules are per se; what matters is if you break your own rules. For example:
If you mention that family values are important to you, but you are caught trying to get out of a parent-teacher meeting, you lack credibility. In the mind of your date, if family values were as important to you as you claimed you would be willing to attend the parent-teacher meetings regardless if it means having to attend with your ex, because it is about your kids (your family). You lack credibility.
If you mention that you do not like seafood on a date, because you sense that your date does not like seafood and you want your date to like you, but you are caught ordering seafood at a later time because you forgot what you said that first meeting, you lack credibility. In the mind of your date, if you are willing to lie about something small because you wanted to be liked, then you likely will lie about something big down the road to avoid the possible conflicts it would bring. You lack credibility.
If you mention on a date that you do not have sex unless in a committed relationship, and then proceed to have sex with the person you are seeing before any serious commitment has been established because it felt right, you lack credibility. In the mind of your date, if you are willing to go break your rules just because you felt like it in the moment, how is your date suppose to trust any promise you make, if there is a chance you will break your promises because of the way you may feel in the moment. You lack credibility.
It is not the facts that you would rather avoid dealing with an ex, ordered the halibut, or had sex sooner than later because it felt right. What you are being judged on is that you said one thing (your rules) and did another thing (your actions). This lack of congruence is what are scaring people away from getting serious with you.
Think of it this way. A serious relationship can be a risky endeavor. A person may risk their children (having an unfit step parent can affect custody not to mention the safety of the children), their resources (what people lose in a divorce), their financial credit (sharing of debt repayment), even their very way of life (image the ways of losing your profession because you made a bad partner choice).
So if someone is looking to find a person to make a commitment too, that commit must be earned. Lacking credibility because of the way you break your own rules destroys the desire to commit. Credibility-Creates-Commitment.
- Published on
Make your love life a priority
Make Having a Love Life a Priority
by Frank Kermit
For whatever reason, losing your virginity has not been your priority.
How do I know? You are still a virgin.
Believe it or not, that is one of the biggest differences between men
who lost their virginity before you did.
Sure, some of them just got lucky and found a girl that liked them
back, and some of them just took a chance and went for it and
it just happened. But that did not happen for you.
And since it did not happen for you, that means that you are just going
to have to work harder than the other guys.
That means you have to make it a goal.
Once you make it a goal to lose your virginity, it becomes a priority
in your life. And that is a GOOD thing.
As you read in the AMV Handbook, or listened to the audio seminar,
I made it a goal after I was humiliated publicly when I was outed as a virgin.
I was unhappy being a virgin. And as soon as it became a concrete goal,
it helped motivate me to take actions so that I would put myself in
situations so that I could focus my TIME and ATTENTION on the things
that I thought would help me most.
When something is a PRIORITY in your life, you put everything else
that is NOT a priority aside, so that you can dedicate yourself to
reaching that goal.
And Yes, losing your virginity is an acceptable goal to have.
It is OK to finally lose your virginity.
by Frank Kermit
For whatever reason, losing your virginity has not been your priority.
How do I know? You are still a virgin.
Believe it or not, that is one of the biggest differences between men
who lost their virginity before you did.
Sure, some of them just got lucky and found a girl that liked them
back, and some of them just took a chance and went for it and
it just happened. But that did not happen for you.
And since it did not happen for you, that means that you are just going
to have to work harder than the other guys.
That means you have to make it a goal.
Once you make it a goal to lose your virginity, it becomes a priority
in your life. And that is a GOOD thing.
As you read in the AMV Handbook, or listened to the audio seminar,
I made it a goal after I was humiliated publicly when I was outed as a virgin.
I was unhappy being a virgin. And as soon as it became a concrete goal,
it helped motivate me to take actions so that I would put myself in
situations so that I could focus my TIME and ATTENTION on the things
that I thought would help me most.
When something is a PRIORITY in your life, you put everything else
that is NOT a priority aside, so that you can dedicate yourself to
reaching that goal.
And Yes, losing your virginity is an acceptable goal to have.
It is OK to finally lose your virginity.
- Published on
Do not talk about sex if you are a virgin
Do Not Talk About Sex if You Are an Adult Male Virgin
by Frank Kermit
Helping Adult Male Virgins (AMV)
who want to find their first girlfriend to have sex with
is specialization in my coaching practice
Here is a Quick Tip for Adult Male Virgins
Do NOT Talk about Sex. You are a virgin, and you might end up saying
something that presents you in a really negative way.
Just like the main character in the movie The 40 Year Old Virgin,
he was found out when he tried to talk about something he had no
experience in (remember the bags of sand line?)
My AMV coaching clients are often surprised to learn that some of the
statements they make casual to their friends and associates reveal
just how inexperienced AMVs can be, not only for sex, but for
dating and relationships as well.
If you have ever made negative statements about sex (Ewwww! That's disgusting),
or innocently asked questions such as
"Why would people do that?"
when talking about what seems to you to be a futile sex act,
or remarking how something "Isn't really important", those people
around you are spotting your inexperience.
Unlucky for you, they are also likely too polite to call you on it.
Which means, you continue to go about your business, never knowing
what they really think they know about you: that you are a virgin.
Simply put, people who have had sex, can spot you without you knowing it.
One of the ways you can limit this, is that you just do not talk about sex.
When someone tries to get you to talk about sex, here is what you can do:
Just tell everyone that there are certain things you do not talk about or
discuss publicly and sex is one of them.
Then make sure YOU STICK TO IT!
That also means no sex jokes too.
Yeah, it may not be fun. However, if your goal is to lose your virginity,
it is one of the best strategies you can apply.
- Published on
Creating Chemistry
Looks vs Personality: Creating Chemistry
By Frank Kermit
A question that comes up to me in coaching often is what do you do when you find someone's personality very interesting, even attractive, but you really are not into that person's looks.
The answer is one that no one wants to hear.
If you are single, date that person anyways
and see if chemistry develops over the time
of a few dates
Sometimes, you have to kiss that person goodnight in order to get the fireworks to initially spark.
When you meet someone in speed dating,
and that person has enough spark just from personality that makes you think MAYBE,
Just say YES
Take the chance, and go for the match. You never know...that person might even reject you!!!
It would be good to know to help you keep that ego of yours in check.
Bottom line is that you are single!
Maybe you are single because you are way too picky
Maybe your standards are too high for what you can attract
But you are single.
Give that person a chance.
You only have everything to gain.
This article is an excerpt from The Frank Guide To Speed Dating program
- Published on
you are still single because of the choices you make
Single in September
By Frank Kermit
It's the most wonderful time of the year. End of summer, back to school, and vacation period is basically over for most people.
All that means one thing. It is one of the best times to be single for taking action to meet someone special.
This is it.
The meet and greet season has started. Fresh off the blast of summer loving when all summer romances must come to an end, and people have to tune in once again to their regularly scheduled life programming.
Back to school, means back to the grind of routine, and this is when people are new, fresh, rejuvenated from time off and sunny weather, and are in the best head space to meet a new friendly face.
The signs of autumn have started-a-coming, when retail stores start putting out the Halloween decorations.
That signals just one thing:
WINTER IS COMING TOO!
It is time to start now, to seek out new life, and that new warm human body that is going to enjoy cuddling you by a delightful fire, while the weather outside turns frightful.
If you are still single, there is always some place to go, to meet new people, cause you never know.
So you better not pout, and you better not cry if you end up singing single 'cause you're bumming about town.
Tis' the season to be finding, a warm cup of your own special something. Stop, with your games of love, and get serious.
Chances are, you are single because of the choices you made leading up to this moment.
All those people you were interested in, but did not ask out. All those potential partners who liked you, but you turned down worrying about what others would think.
All your "rules" and "standards" that (really serve no purpose to finding someone who treats you amazing) just get in the way because they are simply not realistic.
If you continue to make those same choices, then chances are, again, that you will continue to be single, and continue to make it more difficult for anyone to join you for an unforgettable duet.
This could be the BEST time of the year to meet someone new. But it takes ACTION on your part to get out there, and make yourself available.
Well, OK, maybe it is not the BEST time of the year to meet someone new right now.
Song lyrics and catchy pop culture phrases can grease the wheels of the coming holiday spirit, and inspire some people from the cold-hearted wonderland of our lives.
And the fact is, every day (including TODAY) is a good day to die and go to heaven (FIGURATIVELY PLEASE!) by meeting someone special, and every season has just as much opportunity to find someone new, and every night time is the right time to be with somebody you love.
It is ALWAYS the BEST TIME to meet someone new. Today IS THAT the day. Seize it and make it yours.
Take the chance! Now is the moment. Go on and kiss the world of dating and end your reign in the valley of Singledom.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Never Force Your Worldview on Others
Don't Force Your Worldview
by Frank Kermit
Each of us views the world a certain way. It encapsulates what we believe to be right, and wrong. The worldview of each individual can change over time as our life experiences teach us about the world, teach us about the people we interact with, and teach us about ourselves.
In dating, it is important to find someone who shares your worldview. This can be very challenging if you have never taken the time to figure out what your worldview is, and more importantly, if you have never actually challenged any worldviews you had because they are the views you were brought up with.
For example, if you grew up in an environment that values sexual abstinence before marriage and took on those beliefs as part of your worldview as a child, they may not have been beliefs that you ever challenged. Then one day, as an adult, you enter the world of dating and find that not everyone you wanted to date shares in your belief systems.
For the first time, you may question if those beliefs are in your best interest. You may start to weigh the positives and negatives surrounding waiting until wedlock. You may even start to question other beliefs tied into your upbringing including whether getting legally married is even necessary in order to live together and raise children, which are separate beliefs than those about whether or not to have sex.
In the end, you may decide to abandon all your previous beliefs. Or you may decide to enter a period of experimentation where you explore your own boundaries to see what works for you. It is also possible, that after careful consideration and challenging your beliefs that you decide that even if you did not seek out those beliefs that were thrust upon you as a child, you do in fact find they reflect your values and intend to stick to them because they are in fact in your best interest.
In fact, people who challenge their belief systems (their worldview) tend to have a stronger faith in themselves and their beliefs once they resolve their own doubts about it (a challenge to a belief system may represent a doubt in the belief system).
As a dating coach, I am less concerned about the specifics of your worldview — if it already works for you — and more concerned with 1) do you know what your worldview is? 2) Can you articulate it enough to communicate exactly what you mean? and 3) Are you aware of why you have this worldview?
If the only reason you choose a vegetarian lifestyle is because all of your friends are vegetarians, then your “why” reflects your actual values (the value of approval and acceptance of your peer group, and not necessarily a value of the benefits of a vegetarian diet).
With all that said, the point of this article is that when you date someone and it turns out that your worldview and the worldview of the other person are very different, it is important to remember that it is good to communicate your worldview to give the other person an understanding of it, and it is also good to be open to hearing and trying to understand the worldview of the other person. You do not have to agree with the opposing worldview, you just have to be open to understanding it.
The mistake some singles make, is trying to convert the worldview of the person they are dating, instead of either accepting the difference, or simply breaking up with the person and seeking out someone with a similar worldview.
If your worldview encompasses a lifestyle focused on a career and personal enjoyment instead of having children and raising a family, well that is OK. If your worldview requires you to have children and raising a family at the expense of career advancement and some personal enjoyment, well that is OK too.
One worldview life is not necessarily better than the other. The key is to find someone to date that already shares a similar worldview to your own, and not try to force, trick, shame or guilt a person into living your worldview.
Be respectful out there.
Frank Kermit
by Frank Kermit
Each of us views the world a certain way. It encapsulates what we believe to be right, and wrong. The worldview of each individual can change over time as our life experiences teach us about the world, teach us about the people we interact with, and teach us about ourselves.
In dating, it is important to find someone who shares your worldview. This can be very challenging if you have never taken the time to figure out what your worldview is, and more importantly, if you have never actually challenged any worldviews you had because they are the views you were brought up with.
For example, if you grew up in an environment that values sexual abstinence before marriage and took on those beliefs as part of your worldview as a child, they may not have been beliefs that you ever challenged. Then one day, as an adult, you enter the world of dating and find that not everyone you wanted to date shares in your belief systems.
For the first time, you may question if those beliefs are in your best interest. You may start to weigh the positives and negatives surrounding waiting until wedlock. You may even start to question other beliefs tied into your upbringing including whether getting legally married is even necessary in order to live together and raise children, which are separate beliefs than those about whether or not to have sex.
In the end, you may decide to abandon all your previous beliefs. Or you may decide to enter a period of experimentation where you explore your own boundaries to see what works for you. It is also possible, that after careful consideration and challenging your beliefs that you decide that even if you did not seek out those beliefs that were thrust upon you as a child, you do in fact find they reflect your values and intend to stick to them because they are in fact in your best interest.
In fact, people who challenge their belief systems (their worldview) tend to have a stronger faith in themselves and their beliefs once they resolve their own doubts about it (a challenge to a belief system may represent a doubt in the belief system).
As a dating coach, I am less concerned about the specifics of your worldview — if it already works for you — and more concerned with 1) do you know what your worldview is? 2) Can you articulate it enough to communicate exactly what you mean? and 3) Are you aware of why you have this worldview?
If the only reason you choose a vegetarian lifestyle is because all of your friends are vegetarians, then your “why” reflects your actual values (the value of approval and acceptance of your peer group, and not necessarily a value of the benefits of a vegetarian diet).
With all that said, the point of this article is that when you date someone and it turns out that your worldview and the worldview of the other person are very different, it is important to remember that it is good to communicate your worldview to give the other person an understanding of it, and it is also good to be open to hearing and trying to understand the worldview of the other person. You do not have to agree with the opposing worldview, you just have to be open to understanding it.
The mistake some singles make, is trying to convert the worldview of the person they are dating, instead of either accepting the difference, or simply breaking up with the person and seeking out someone with a similar worldview.
If your worldview encompasses a lifestyle focused on a career and personal enjoyment instead of having children and raising a family, well that is OK. If your worldview requires you to have children and raising a family at the expense of career advancement and some personal enjoyment, well that is OK too.
One worldview life is not necessarily better than the other. The key is to find someone to date that already shares a similar worldview to your own, and not try to force, trick, shame or guilt a person into living your worldview.
Be respectful out there.
Frank Kermit
