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How to write a eulogy
How To Write a Eulogy
by Frank Kermit
Hi Friend,
One of the best speeches I ever gave in my life, was my father's eulogy.
I wrote it in a way with the specific goals to not only talk about who my
father was, but it was also designed to bring a measure of peace and
healing to the many people drowning in grief at the funeral.
I made a list of goals that I wanted to achieve with that eulogy, and
based on the reactions of the various attendees, I seemed to have
achieved that goal.
If you are about to give a eulogy, and are nervous because you want
to do a good job, but are not sure about what you should say, and if
talking directly from your heart, is not something that comes easy
for you, then this article was written with you in mind.
Once you write it and give the eulogy, do contact me and let me know
how things turned out for you. I would love to hear from you.
25 Steps The Best Eulogy
1-You can mention your own grief, but do not focus on it.
My main point of grief writing my dad's eulogy is that he died
before my own children were born, and that was my biggest regret.
That my own children would never get the chance to meet him.
I mentioned it once in the eulogy. But that was it. I did not stick with
that theme throughout the speech. Never use a eulogy in a way,
that it could be mistaken for seeking out pity.
2-Languages.
My father taught himself to read and write in three languages.
So I made sure to give the eulogy in more than one language.
If the person you are giving the eulogy for was also multilingual,
do your best to include a sample of each language into your eulogy.
3-Focus on the good (How did that person make a difference)
What is the legacy that the person left behind?
What accomplishments was that person most proud of?
What did that person want to be remember for?
These are all good points to bring up during a eulogy.
4-Everyone grieves differently
It is important for you as a eulogist to remind all attendees to have
compassion for one another. One person may deal with grief by
wanting to be left alone and not speak to others for a while.
Other people may need to cry out loud. The most important thing
to remind everyone is that we all will grieve differently and to support
each other with acceptance of the different ways we cope with loss.
5-Be prepared
Have water handy in case your voice dries out. Have a handkerchief
or tissues to dry your eyes and blow your nose. Have someone close
to you to pat your back or hold your hand if you think you might need it.
At one point during my speech, my eyes were so watery, I had blurred
vision and no tissues. Using the sleeve of my shirt, I washed away
the tears and calmed my breathing down in order to continue.
6-Don’t dwell on that persons hardships, just use them as time markers
We all have hardships, but most people want to be remembered for more
than just the hardships they endured. They want to be remembered for
how they lived, not for all the bad stuff that happened to them.
My father lost an eye during an accident when he was six years old.
I mentioned it only to point out he had to grow up very fast after that.
But I never talked about it again in the speech. I could have mentioned
all the prejudice he faced in his life because of it. But I am sure my
father would want to be remembered for being a hard worker, teaching
himself how to read and write 3 languages, and of his devotion to
his children's education and not be remembered for the bad stuff that
happened to him.
7-What you talk about at the wake
Before you give the eulogy, go around to the people at the wake, or
those that reach out to you with condolence. Ask each person what
they noticed most about the person BUT do not tell them you are
seeking info for the eulogy. This will give you an idea of what words to
use, and maybe even a story to share, about how others viewed the
person you are talking about.
Just before the funeral, my brother, sister and I were speaking, and
they mentioned to me how much my father liked a good discussion.
It was something that wasn't in my original speech, so I jotted it down
just before it was time to deliver the eulogy.
8-Quote the person in that persons voice (imitate voice and gestures)
Quoting the person is always a good idea. However, if you have
the ability to quote that person, using a similar sounding voice or accent
as the person, then use it. It helps to release some of the tension
people are feeling when the eulogy is given.
9-Name drop as many people as you can, who attend the funeral
When talking about stories where naming people is appropriate,
do make the effort to name as many people as you can, that you know
are in attendance at the funeral. It makes people feel that are very much
a part of the process of showing respect for the person that has died.
If you can, do mention the names of the people that traveled long
distances, just to attend and pay their respects.
10-Say Thank You to all care givers.
If long sickness was involved, comment on the people who took care
of the person and be sure to thank them all by name. When people
are suffering from grief, it is very easy for anyone to feel unappreciated
and taken for granted. These negative feelings could lead to bad
decisions that could permanently wedge relationships in the future.
During the last 8 weeks of my father's life, he was tended to by my aunt
(his sister), my uncle (his brother), my brother, my sister and my mother.
I made it a point to talk about each person for a few minutes, mentioned
their good qualities, and anything my father may have mentioned about
his love and respect for them. It brought a lot of peace to them.
11-Use the shortest phrase you can to describe the person
Come up with an overall theme that encompasses everything
the person was. It will be that phrase that people will remember when
they leave the funeral.
When trying to sum up my father in as few words as possible, I believe
the term "silent devotion" encompasses everything he was to us. I used
that phrase throughout the speech. I explained why it was appropriate
because my father was not an outwardly expressive person (silent), but
he showed his family his love with his (devotion) providing for them.
To this day, some of his old neighbours still remark how they remember
that eulogy for this reason.
12-The use of audio-visual materials
Depending on where you conduct the eulogy, you will have to keep in
mind that some places do not allow for audio-visual materials. Those
that do allow for it, may not be equipped with the technology.
There is a story of one particular person who was giving the eulogy
of her father, and wanted to play a song that was one of her father's
favorite. However, the religious authority that presided over the funeral,
would not allow it because it was a not a "religious song". The young
girl then simply read the lyrics of the song as part of her eulogy.
If using audio-visual material is important in your eulogy, please make
sure you will not have any unpleasant surprises.
13-If the person knew it was coming, mention it
In all the years I have been coaching, I have learned that if it is mentioned
in a eulogy that the person knew that death was coming soon, it actually
brings peace to some of the people who are coping with loss.
It helps people feel that, since the person knew, the person likely got to
do and say things before it was too late. It really seems to help people
cope with the loss. So if this applies to the person you are speaking about
please mention it.
14-Dreams…if you’d had a dream of person, mention it
The night after my father died, I had a dream where he came to
speak to me to say goodbye and to tell me I should go and start a family
of my own. I have no idea if it was just a dream, or if it was actually him
trying to communicate with me after his death. I honestly do not know
what to believe. Turns out, it does not matter what I believe anyways.
When I told this story at his eulogy, it amazed me how much it was a
comfort to others that there was even this remote possibility that my
father could still communicate with the people left behind.
15-Give mourners a job
Ask all mourners to celebrate the life of the person who has died,
but give mourners something SPECIFIC they are suppose to do.
I told everyone that they should pick one memory of my father, and
that favorite memory could be a discussion they had with him, or
something he did for them, and to talk about that favorite memory
to everyone who also knew him. By giving mourners a job, you
give them an ability to further help them deal with the loss.
16-End off with saying something to the person directly
When you end the eulogy, this is where you can say something direct
to the person. It could be a simple, "I love you", or "I will miss you" or
"good bye". It might also be something very personal between you
and the person. My father used to tell me that I would never admit he
was right about anything. So one of the last things I would say at the
eulogy would be, "Hey dad...you were right"
17-They will ALL forgive you
Keep in mind that when you are giving the speech,
as long as you do it from an honest place,
people will forgive you if you cry or break down.
I broke down in the middle of my speech and needed a couple of
minutes to compose myself again in order to continue.
It is more than forgivable even the circumstances.
18-Forget you are talking to a crowd of people
When you give your speech, talk as if you are speaking directly to the
person's closet contacts. If that does not work well enough for you
then talk to the person that you mention in your speech, as if you are
practicing reading their eulogy to him or her.
19-A eulogy is for the people still left, not the one who died.
As contrary as this may sound, when you write and recite the eulogy,
keep in mind that the purpose is MORE to give those still alive some
form of peace and healing, and LESS to do with actually saying something
to the person that has died.
20-A eulogy is designed to bring people together.
Deaths can break up the family, and a eulogy MUST help reunite them
This is why you thank people in the eulogy, and remind them to show
compassion to one another. Mourning can sometimes bring out the
worst in people. The eulogy is there to help bring out the best in people.
No matter how justified it may feel at the moment, never use a eulogy
to bring negative attention to anyone.
21-Why people remember the eulogy
Grievers do NOT remember much of the entire week of death,
funeral home, or the burial…..EVERYONE remembers the eulogy.
It is one of the elements of the mourning phase that speaks directly
to people, and is easier for people to remember, because the other
memories of the death of a loved one, could be too much for many
to handle. A eulogy does not get blocked out, because it brings
comfort and closure.
22-When talking about God
Unless the person was a particularly devote religious person,
do not mention god or religion.
If that person believed, then mention their faith.
But if that person did not beleive, do not mention god or faith.
Those that believe will believe, and those that don’t will not.
23-List what made the person happy in life
Name three things in that persons life that made that person
exceptionally happy. This will help mourners remember the person
as being happy. It is a good image and memory for mourners to
hold on to, especially at such a time of great sadness and stress.
A couple of the things I mentioned that my gave my father the
greatest happiness were his pet dog, his cottage in the country area,
and watching his family grow. People that knew him were reminded
if images of his being happy in life.
24-The importance of a continuation
A preacher gave me this great bit of advice. When people struggle
with the idea of a person's life line coming to an end, help re-direct
their thoughts that line is not a linear line with a beginning and an end.
Life is a circle. The person did not reach the end of the line; the person
completed the cycle of their circle of life.
As circles are continues in their nature, it is easier for mourners,
to envision a form of continuation as a circle and the end of one cycle
and the start of another cycle circle, then to think about the line
having ended abruptly
25-The story of passing the love forward.
In the eulogy I gave for my father, I talked about how my grandmother
always said that because I was born in the same month as the death
of her brother, that she believed that all the love she had for her brother
should be re-directed to me. She said that when someone dies,
it is a sign that the person in the family was was born closest to that
time should now be a magnet for the affection that person used to get.
So I told people that the baby born closest to my fathers death
(a third cousin who lived in the area) should be the receiver of all the
love that my father got, and to give that child a little extra attention.
The idea is to help mourners to a put a focus to love the children that
need their attention, instead of getting lost in their own selves with grief.
- Published on
Get comfortable with the causes of Grief
Get Comfortable With The Causes of Grief
by Frank Kermit
This is the first of a series of articles I want to present
on the topics of Bereavement, Grief and Mourning.
The reason I created this group of articles is because I think
that people who are coping with loss generally,
do not get the compassion and support they really need.
People are generally uncomfortable with dealing with any sort
of grief.
Whether the grief is their own, or dealing with the grief of others.
It makes for awkward interactions, and that is not right.
A person in grief is too wrapped up in their own emotions,
to really notice the awkwardness of the people around them
offering any kind of support.
And those people who would want to offer support,
are too concerned they might make things worse
for the person in mourning.
So these articles aims to help prepare all people to better
manage their sense of loss, and how to better support
the people in their lives who are experiencing a loss.
Losses that may cause grief include:
-Death of a loved one.
-Being diagnosed with a chronic or terminal disease.
-Disability from a severe accident or illness.
-Divorce or the end of a relationship.
-Miscarriage or stillbirth.
-The birth of a child with a birth defect.
-A diagnosis of infertility.
-Learning that your child or teen has developed a behavior problem, learning disability, or substance abuse disorder.
-A move from a familiar home. This is especially hard for older adults.
-Job loss.
-Loss of independence after a serious accident or illness.
-An act of violence or a natural disaster.
-Starting school (loss of the comfort of home and familiar surroundings).
-Gaining increasing independence and self-responsibility in the late childhood and teen years (loss of dependence on parents).
-Marriage (loss of independent decision making).
-Birth of a child (loss of independence).
-Retirement (loss of income, work-related identity, and daily social contact).
-Aging and maturing (loss of physical strength and youthful appearance).
As you can see, chances are that EVERYONE is going have to cope with loss
at some point in their lives.
It is fundamentally important that we all develop coping skills.
I hope people find these articles useful.
-Frank Kermit
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Ex-Lovers and Wedding Guest List
by Frank Kermit, Updated on March 2, 2018
During my couples coaching sessions,
one of the topics of discussion that tends to come up
is the wedding list of guests.
One of the questions I ask is:
Have either one of you had an intimate relationship with any guests,
that your partner (the one who is marrying you)
does not know about?
I think the majority of couples would be surprised by just
how often it turns out that some of the wedding guests
turn out to be secret past lovers of either member of the couple
getting married, that the other partner did not know.
What turns out to be worse, is when that secret lover,
actually made it to the actual wedding party
(either a bridesmaid, or an usher/groomsman)
Sometimes, having someone who has a sexual past
with a wedding partner attend your wedding as a guest
can be taken as an insult to the other wedding partner.
Usually, the invitation of a past lover
to a wedding can be handled,
but it is the secretive nature of the information
that causes the bigger issue.
The other partner starts to wonder
what other information has not been volunteered
that will continued to be "hidden" until the correct
direction question is asked.
That is no way to start a wedding guest list.
As a general rule, ex-lovers and weddings do not mix.
And in the event one of your secret ex-lovers
has been invited to your wedding
make sure you TELL YOUR PARTNER
The worst thing that can happen,
is that the information is reveal
at the wedding, when everyone is celebrating
and secrets come out unintentionally.
It is a time people become emotionally,
and sometimes intoxicated,
which always spells trouble for secret-keeping.
I have seen this happen from direct experience
and those of my client base.
Plan for your wedding to be spectacular, not a spectacle.
If you are a couple that wants to get more serious but are worried you will end up divorced, or an individual trying to figure out if you have found the right person, consider signing up for my 12-hour pre-marriage coaching program.
by Frank Kermit, Updated on March 2, 2018
During my couples coaching sessions,
one of the topics of discussion that tends to come up
is the wedding list of guests.
One of the questions I ask is:
Have either one of you had an intimate relationship with any guests,
that your partner (the one who is marrying you)
does not know about?
I think the majority of couples would be surprised by just
how often it turns out that some of the wedding guests
turn out to be secret past lovers of either member of the couple
getting married, that the other partner did not know.
What turns out to be worse, is when that secret lover,
actually made it to the actual wedding party
(either a bridesmaid, or an usher/groomsman)
Sometimes, having someone who has a sexual past
with a wedding partner attend your wedding as a guest
can be taken as an insult to the other wedding partner.
Usually, the invitation of a past lover
to a wedding can be handled,
but it is the secretive nature of the information
that causes the bigger issue.
The other partner starts to wonder
what other information has not been volunteered
that will continued to be "hidden" until the correct
direction question is asked.
That is no way to start a wedding guest list.
As a general rule, ex-lovers and weddings do not mix.
And in the event one of your secret ex-lovers
has been invited to your wedding
make sure you TELL YOUR PARTNER
The worst thing that can happen,
is that the information is reveal
at the wedding, when everyone is celebrating
and secrets come out unintentionally.
It is a time people become emotionally,
and sometimes intoxicated,
which always spells trouble for secret-keeping.
I have seen this happen from direct experience
and those of my client base.
Plan for your wedding to be spectacular, not a spectacle.
If you are a couple that wants to get more serious but are worried you will end up divorced, or an individual trying to figure out if you have found the right person, consider signing up for my 12-hour pre-marriage coaching program.
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Coping with Loss at a Wedding
Remembering the Dead at a Wedding
by Frank Kermit
Sometimes, couples who marry want to do something
at the wedding in memory of the people who passed away.
This happens, especially when the death was recent.
At my wedding, my wife and I did a little ceremony at the reception
where we lit a candle and read an inscription, announcing it was
in memory of various relatives that had died, who would have
wanted to attend. It was very short, but it did bring us come
comfort, and it was also comforting to some of the attendees
who were still in mourning.
We all cope with loss differently.
It is important for the wedding couple to also remember,
that not everyone will appreciate your efforts
to pay tribute to your lost loved ones.
One of the biggest mistakes I see people make,
is they try to tell someone else that how they grieve is wrong.
For example, this story is of a wedding I attended:
A father dies a few months before his son is set to be married.
At the wedding, a special tribute is made in honor of the late father.
The groom and his mom dance to a song that was in memory of his dad.
All the guests were invited on the dance floor to circle them.
Then it happened...
at one point, the groom and his mom started to cry a little.
It was not a hysterical cry at all, but the tears were evident.
Everyone around them formed into a circle continued to move to the music.
...except one man.
He started to raise his voice to tell the DJ to stop the music.
He was an uncle in the family, and felt that the song and tribute
was making them cry and that it was wrong.
So he made a fool of himself trying to stop the tribute.
Luckily, the DJ and the rest of the guests ignored him.
The uncle was not comfortable with seeing, or dealing with, grief.
He tried to "protect" everyone else from grief as well.
That was the worst thing he could have done, and lucky for
everyone at the wedding, the DJ was smart enough not to listen to him.
Make sure that you let the DJ, or other wedding professionals involved know about any potential trouble-makers, and let the wedding professionals also know exactly what your wishes are
in case a wedding guest decides to act out.
If you can predict who might be the kind of person to act out,
at your wedding,
it might be a good idea to let that person know ahead of time
what you are planning.
This is not about getting that person's permission.
It is more about letting that person know,
so the shock of surprise
in combination of the grief and mourning
does not motivate that person
into doing something
that will turn your wedding
from spectacular
to a spectacle.
-Frank Kermit
Couples Coach
If you are a couple that wants to get more serious but are worried you will end up divorced, or an individual trying to figure out if you have found the right person, consider signing up for my 12-hour pre-marriage coaching program.
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Kevin Jackson is the author of the book Survive Her Affair, and founder of the site: www.soyourwifecheated.com Kevin Jackson has a unique gift to help men heal from their wife's infidelity. (At least, that is what hundreds of happy customers have to say.) Since late 2010, Kevin has been teaching men around the world how to survive their wife's infidelity, no matter how hopeless their situations seem. Using his no-b.s. approach and unique male perspective on the healing process, he has become the leader in the field of Affair Recovery For Men. Kevin's obsession with this topic began with a very personal experience of betrayal in his own life. He looked around for help to get through his own pain, but all he found were books and programs that were primarily for women. (And these books were full of examples of the man being the one who cheated... talk about sexist). Kevin used his knowledge of internet marketing to put up a website, and started helping men online navigate through the perilous waters of affair recovery. Quickly he had a loyal following and an online tribe. Kevin has leveraged his secrets and philosophies to help men in all 50 states, and from every walk of life. He is available for media interviews and appearances.
Bonus Track for Survive Her Affair
Date: August 2014, Title: Survive Her Affair
Frank Kermit makes his 1st appearance. Kevin Jackson author and founder of Survive Her Affair, interviews Frank Kermit as part of a series of audio bonus to the purchase of his book. This is a 10 minute preview of the first interview for you to listen to, and get an idea of how men react to being cheated on by their wives.
Frank Kermit makes his 1st appearance. Kevin Jackson author and founder of Survive Her Affair, interviews Frank Kermit as part of a series of audio bonus to the purchase of his book. This is a 10 minute preview of the first interview for you to listen to, and get an idea of how men react to being cheated on by their wives.
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The Symbol of Your Ex
When Your Ex Becomes a Symbol in Your Life
By Frank Kermit
We are surrounded by the power of symbols. A symbol is more than just a design we recognize; symbols are a means of making meaning. Whatever the symbol, or character-symbol, the purpose is to convey a meaning to an audience. Symbols have a way of reaching people. Whether it is the symbol of a dollar sign ($), horoscope Gemini sign, or colored ribbon remembrance, all symbols have the intent to carry on a meaning for the audience and if properly effective, a symbol leaves an emotional impact.
The ribbon is not just a piece of material but a testament to those that may have died from, or survived, breast cancer. The Gemini sign is not some doodle on a paper, but a means to connect to energies unknown that can influence our life's journey. The dollar sign is not merely to describe the concept of money and value, but may also represent a symbol of hardship, connecting to a memory of when someone did not have enough money to afford the basics; just as that same symbol of the dollar sign may represent a reminder of the power of what you can earn to someone else.
We do not just look at the Golden Arches. We making meaning of them and interpret deserving a break today, childhood, and singing about "two all-beef patties, special sauce, etc..." However the most powerful symbols are the ones that have some element of sentience to them...character symbols we recognize as people. From as far back as breakfast cereal commercials, we formed relationships with character symbols such as "Tony the Tiger", "Toucan Sam" and "Snap", "Crackle", "Pop". Where the Golden Arches reach their limits, "Ronald" can pick up the burger and carry it over the goal line to make the touchdown scoring an emotional impact.
But what if the clown that has become a symbol in your life happens to be a relationship ex who has come to represent everything that is wrong with you?
Have you ever struggled to get over an ex, even when you are the one that ended the relationship? Have you ever struggled to move on with your life, even though you know intellectually that your ex was completely wrong for you? Do you remember your ex and your relationship with your ex, as being so much better than it was, and can only be reminded of that fully when either an outside person points it out, or (gasp!) you rekindle with your ex and realize what a mistake you just made? Chances are that your ex has become a symbol for you.
Turning an ex into a symbol is not that difficult a process. If you spend way too much time fantasizing about your ex, or more specifically, fantasizing about how great your life would have been with your ex, you are effectively turning your ex into a symbol. Your ex, the real one, is human. Your real ex is a human with all the positive and negative traits that make a person human. Your real ex is a human that is as flawed as dinged as the rest of us. However, the symbol of your ex is perfect. The symbol of your ex is superbly attractive, says all the right things, responds to your every communication exactly the way you need it. In this way, the symbol of your ex could represent how wonderfully perfect you wish your life could be and no amount of reality, including a new relationship partner, or even your real ex, could ever live up to that.
If you feel any shame or guilt about the nature of your break up, the symbol of your ex could be something that continues to make you feel bad about yourself because the symbol of your ex could be a reminder of all the mistakes you think you made that caused you to feel the pain you are in during your heartbreak. At this point, the idea of reconciliation with your ex could be interpreted as the only way to correct the errors of your past and prove that you are forgivable. This of course does not pan out in the real world. If ever you do manage to get your ex back, even if you have healed that part of you that was in part responsible for the break up, your ex is still your ex. If you and your ex have both healed your broken parts, then you are essentially new people that may not be compatible. If only one of you has healed the broken parts, then the repeating behavior patterns of the other are still in effect and will take their toll on the relationship. No matter what anyone in the couple says...there are always two sides to every break up that each partner must accept responsibility for.
When trying to get over an ex, an important step of the process is to acknowledge the differences between your ex as the imperfect human being (the real ex) verses the symbol of your ex who you likely and unfairly compare to every new potential love that comes into your life. You do have a choice. Accept the reality and move on, or stay stuck on the fantasy of the ex...who never actually existed.
Frank Kermit
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Stop talking about your ex
Stop Talking So Much About Your Ex
By Frank Kermit
So you are on a date with someone new. You are excited. You are nervous. You hope that this is finally going to be the one. You meet. So far, you both like what you see. This is going good. You start talking about personal interests. Then your date does it. Your date starts to talk about an ex...and it is not just a passing mention that is brief in nature.
Your date keeps talking about the ex, to the point where you decide that your date is likely still way too hooked on the ex to be emotionally available to be in a relationship with you. The date ends. You are disappointed because the search goes on to find a more suitable partner. Your date, that in fact, may be fully interested in seeing you again, is disappointed that you did not make any connection, and chances are, your date has no idea what he or she did to turn you off.
Talking constantly about an ex while on a date is a red flag. It is a turn off, because talking constantly about an ex is like resurrecting a ghost. When it comes to romantic endeavors, flesh and blood imperfect human beings simply cannot compete with the fantastical fantasy phantoms of someone's idealize past lover.
Those people who would be higher quality potential partners, likely have learned not to bother even trying to fight the ghosts and just walk away. When you are on a date, talk about the things you love and the values you embody, and leave your ex in the past.
Now, if the only meaningful life experiences you have to share are only associated with a particular ex, then take it as a sign that you need to stop waiting to have someone to try new things with, and head out on your own.
For example, if you love dancing but the only dancing stories you have are directly related to an ex, then consider going out dancing with friends, or even taking dance lessons by yourself so that you can meet new people. In this way, you explore your love of dancing, and can share stories about your love of dancing that will be separate from stories of your ex.
If you are still hooked on your ex, to the point where you will not give someone new a legitimate chance at your heart, at the very least be honest about it with the new person you are dating. When on a date, let the person know that you are recovering from a severely broken heart, BUT that should be the extent of any talk about the ex. This gives the other person the ability to make an informed choice for him or her self as to whether or not they want to continue trying with you.
Some people will be OK with it, and are just glad to have someone to spend time with and have some fun. Some people are looking for emotionally available people for a serious relationship and those people will bolt away fast. Some people are in exactly the same predicament as you and are thrilled that they are not alone in their misery, happy to have the company.
A date is NOT a time to be going into a therapeutic discussion. When you are on a date, focus on the person you are with and get to know that person and what role that person can play in your life (friend, lover, serious long term partner).
While you make getting to know the person a fun process, leave the discussions about your unresolved issues with the ex for when you come into the coach's office.
Frank Kermit
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How Long Do You Wait Until You Date Again?
How Soon Do You Start Dating
After A Break Up?
By Frank Kermit
"How much time should I wait before I start dating again?" is a common question that I get asked from someone that has just recently gotten dumped, and still suffering a broken heart. I always tell them the same thing: none. The sooner you start getting out there, the better. The shock, and startling surprise from people sets in, and then a calm comes over them when the realization also sets in that they are free to do what they want.
If you are going to break up with someone, you had better mean it. You had better be sure that you do not want a future with that person, and that you are ready to hear about your soon to be ex partner having a new life with someone else.
Losing your temper, or feeling too overwhelmed are not solid excuses for a break up. If you break up after every fight, and then get back together after every cooling off period, all you are doing is turning a repeating behavior pattern into a solid habit that is going to take effect even after you get more serious in the future if you somehow end up living with, married or having children with that person.
On again, off again relationships are notorious for intermediate flings and love affairs that "do not count" as cheating because the partners were "on a break" at the time. The problem with this pattern is that, although it may start as a legitimate attempt to break up, or a mistake in letting anger gets the best of you, it can easily turn into a means of casually breaking off your primary relationship, not because there is anything wrong with it, but because you need an excuse to try to date someone new without it technically being cheating. One of the worst potential consequences is that this kind of repeating behavior pattern is hard to break even when you finally end up in a great relationship with someone totally new, as your old standard behavior pattern is to break up instead of fix the problem head on. Long-term relationship success is not for quitters.
Some break ups turn out to be nothing more than emotionally abusive tactics employed by manipulative toxic people. These manipulators usually target emotionally vulnerable people who have inherit deep rooted fears of abandonment, and a manipulator will time a dramatic break up to lay siege on a vulnerable person's need for security at the worst possible time, in order to put that victim into a state of hyper-panic. This places the victim in a zone where the emotions are so overwhelming that the victim then agrees to just about anything as a means to sooth their anxiety. The manipulator's tactic is complete when the manipulator comes back just before the traumatic effects start to subside in the victim. This allows for the manipulator to capitalize on enforcing the victim's attachment to staying with the abuser at all costs to stave off deep emotional hardships.
For this reason, when someone breaks up with you, and assuming this is a routine occurrence, the BEST ADVICE in such a break up dynamic is YOU NEVER TAKE THE BREAK UP ARTIST BACK.
Dating other people right away is a reminder that your ex partner is just one of many people you can potentially connect with. It is not about how attracted you are to your new date it is about getting back into the habit of realizing your ex is not the only person out there.
So the next time you are thinking about temporarily breaking up with your partner as a tactic to "keep'em on their toes", you may want to re-think that strategy. All you are doing is giving someone that has been waiting for you to step out of the picture long enough, to make a move and make your ex, his or her new partner...And rightfully so. Breaking up with someone is not "a tactic". It is a choice you make, and be sure that you can live with the consequences of saying goodbye.
In my personal philosophy, everyone has the right to seek out a soul mate without interference. When you break up with someone, your ex has that right to seek out someone new that could be his or her next soul mate. Getting in their way is simply unethical.
One very key understanding to dating after a break up, is that you are ONLY suppose to -date- and not get into serious relationships right away. It is normal to be a little emotionally vulnerable after a nasty break up, and seeking comfort in someone new is very OK. As long as you understand, and the person you are dating is also made to understand, that due to your recent break up, getting into a serious commitment is not permissible at this time. Date each new person no more than once a week, and date as many people as you can.
One last dating tip: In the event that the person who left you does come back begging to reconcile, and in the event you want to give that person a chance, the only way to make it work for the long term is that you only date your ex again once a week to start off, and have your ex earn your trust, commitment and TIME all over again. They have to start at the bottom all over again just like any one new you are dating. If you simply pick up where you left off, all you are encouraging is for your re-partner to break up with you again and again when the fancy strikes. That is not love. That is just loopy.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
A Broken Engagement
is Better Than a Happy Divorce
By Frank Kermit
One of the ironies of couples counseling that I often find myself doing is taking the couple through the pre-marital coaching process when they may already be at the end of their relationship. I often ask them questions about their expectations about where they would have wanted their relationship to go, that are the same questions that couples who are ABOUT to get serious need to be asking.
Sadly, many couples get committed sooner than they should without having some much needed conversations. These include, the desire to have children together and taking into account any children that either person already has from previous relationships, the financial management of the new family, past mental health issues that could resurface, where you would live if you had to suddenly move from your current city, how you want your remains dealt with at the end of your life, and all the things you current do not like, but tolerate in your new partner that you HOPE will change.
These also include any past life issues that the new partner should be aware of such as any past trauma that could impact their future together, a criminal record, past bankruptcy, and anything incriminating that someone else may have on you that could become an issue (such as ex-lovers having potentially embarrassing and explicit photos and videos of you).
It does happen that when couples go for pre-martial coaching they end up coming to the conclusion that they should not be together after all and cancel the engagement (whether an official engagement, or an emotional one).
The purpose of pre-martial coaching is not to break couples up, but to build a solid foundation for the future relationship (parenting, marriage, common law, or de facto spouse). In the process of asking hard questions, it may come to their attention (and surprise) that the couple finds they simply have too many irreconcilable differences that would eventually end their union. This is a horribly sad time for the couple, as well as, anyone around them who share in their pain.
However, I am here to tell you that a broken engagement is far better than going through a happy and amicable divorce. Marriage (or any serious long term commitment) takes work. It is not always going to be easy. There will be times, even in the best of couples, that one or both of you may feel that being together was a mistake (shhh!! It is a secret that no one wants you to know!) It is normal to question your choice.
It is not about how much you love someone. It is more about how you get along. Contrary to what romantic entertainment would have you think: real couples, in real life relationships, have real hardships, and real doubts. It is those couples that can separate the passing doubts that can be worked through from the irreconcilable differences in values that bring about breaks up and divorce, who stand the best chance for long term relationship success.
If you are engaged to be married, but are having seriously strong doubts that you do not think are going to pass, hold off getting serious or call it off. When in serious doubt, stay out. If nothing else, pre-marital coaching will teach you that it will take everything you have to keep it together long term and in that, there is no doubt.
Frank Kermit
is Better Than a Happy Divorce
By Frank Kermit
One of the ironies of couples counseling that I often find myself doing is taking the couple through the pre-marital coaching process when they may already be at the end of their relationship. I often ask them questions about their expectations about where they would have wanted their relationship to go, that are the same questions that couples who are ABOUT to get serious need to be asking.
Sadly, many couples get committed sooner than they should without having some much needed conversations. These include, the desire to have children together and taking into account any children that either person already has from previous relationships, the financial management of the new family, past mental health issues that could resurface, where you would live if you had to suddenly move from your current city, how you want your remains dealt with at the end of your life, and all the things you current do not like, but tolerate in your new partner that you HOPE will change.
These also include any past life issues that the new partner should be aware of such as any past trauma that could impact their future together, a criminal record, past bankruptcy, and anything incriminating that someone else may have on you that could become an issue (such as ex-lovers having potentially embarrassing and explicit photos and videos of you).
It does happen that when couples go for pre-martial coaching they end up coming to the conclusion that they should not be together after all and cancel the engagement (whether an official engagement, or an emotional one).
The purpose of pre-martial coaching is not to break couples up, but to build a solid foundation for the future relationship (parenting, marriage, common law, or de facto spouse). In the process of asking hard questions, it may come to their attention (and surprise) that the couple finds they simply have too many irreconcilable differences that would eventually end their union. This is a horribly sad time for the couple, as well as, anyone around them who share in their pain.
However, I am here to tell you that a broken engagement is far better than going through a happy and amicable divorce. Marriage (or any serious long term commitment) takes work. It is not always going to be easy. There will be times, even in the best of couples, that one or both of you may feel that being together was a mistake (shhh!! It is a secret that no one wants you to know!) It is normal to question your choice.
It is not about how much you love someone. It is more about how you get along. Contrary to what romantic entertainment would have you think: real couples, in real life relationships, have real hardships, and real doubts. It is those couples that can separate the passing doubts that can be worked through from the irreconcilable differences in values that bring about breaks up and divorce, who stand the best chance for long term relationship success.
If you are engaged to be married, but are having seriously strong doubts that you do not think are going to pass, hold off getting serious or call it off. When in serious doubt, stay out. If nothing else, pre-marital coaching will teach you that it will take everything you have to keep it together long term and in that, there is no doubt.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Pick And Choose Your Fights
By Frank Kermit
Fighting in relationships is normal. The issue is not whether you fight. The issue is HOW a couple fights. Do they talk out their disagreements? Do they wait until they are alone together, or fight in front of others? Do they resort to name calling and screaming for even the most trivial things? Do they throw furniture at each other? Or, do they not fight at all, fearful of the potential consequences (real or imaginary) and let their anger simmer until it turns into blinding resentment, possibly erupting in a massive rage outburst. It is not even a question of finding ways not to fight. The focus is on helping people understand to pick and choose their fights in a relationship.
This Frank Rule of Relationships, to pick and choose your fights, is also a great Calibration tool. Knowing how to screen if a fight is worth the effort, or if a fight is a waste of your time, can help smooth things along for long-term relationship success.
It is important to judge who you are fighting with. Is the person you are about to engage with someone that is toxic (meaning the person lacks the capacity to reason or be reasonable)? Then your attempts to argue with such a person are futile.
For example, an addict that is in the throws of withdrawal and desperately demanding money from you to feed the addiction is not in a reasonable state of mind where your attempts of talking to him or her out of it, will most likely not be effective. Even therapists try to arrange their sessions with addicts to happen at a time when the addict would be most receptive to talking.
It is also important to be able to access your own ability to manage an unpleasant discussion that can easily turned heated. Know thy self, dear reader. If you can estimate that you would be unable to properly and maturely discuss a matter at a given moment, arrange with your partner to be able to talk about it at a later time, when you have had the chance to cool down and can be in a more rational and accepting frame of mind.
In picking and choosing your fights, it is not about going to either extreme of always fighting with people about everything, or never fighting with anyone regardless of what they do to you. It is about being able to decipher when it is worth the time and effort to express yourself, when it is necessary to communicate a consequence that you will enact based on your reaction to others, and when you shouldn't even bother trying at all.
If you zealously argue for every inconvenience you suffer, regardless of how important it is or isn't, you will likely lose credibility in the eyes of those you regularly communicate too. It can also very likely isolate you as few people want to be around the professional protestor, who usually do not understand that fighting about the political climate you are living in does not mandate the same reaction as your toast being under-toasted at the breakfast you ordered at the local greasy spoon.
When you do pick the fight that you think is worth it, and assuming you are dealing with a reasonable person, and assuming that you are in a good frame of mind, make the distinction between expressing your issue, and issuing a consequence to the issue.
When you express the issue that you are willing to fight about (it could be a boundary, a need of yours, or a manner in which you expect to be treated) it is important to simply state the issue.
For example, when a cashier is spending time on the phone instead of doing her job, expressing your issue when you pick this fight may sound something like: "Excuse me miss, when I come to the cash register, I would appreciate that you get off the phone with your friend, and do your job." Here you are not resorting to name-calling, screaming, or threats. You are directly, calmly and clearly stating your issue when picking this fight. If the cashier is actually a reasonable person, she will realize the importance of your expression, and will follow through to accommodate you. If the cashier is a reasonable person having an unreasonable moment (or maybe she is just toxic after all), she may try to justify her position or try to attack your position as in: "This will only be a minute, are you that much in a hurry?"
It is at THIS point, that you would go from expressing your issue to enforcing your issue by stating a consequence, which could sound something like this: "Miss, if you do not end that call and do your job right now, then I will have to take up this matter with your manager, who I am sure will not be as open to your pressing call."
The key is that you do not mention the consequence until after you have given the person a chance to wake up, for what could be just a bad day for them.
Conflict is never a pleasant situation. However, it is a part of life, and your ability to pick and choose your fights will help determine your ability to manage your long-term relationship success. You do not have a choice when it comes to what people may try to put you through, but you do have a choice to how charismatic you can try to be when it happens.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Fighting in relationships is normal. The issue is not whether you fight. The issue is HOW a couple fights. Do they talk out their disagreements? Do they wait until they are alone together, or fight in front of others? Do they resort to name calling and screaming for even the most trivial things? Do they throw furniture at each other? Or, do they not fight at all, fearful of the potential consequences (real or imaginary) and let their anger simmer until it turns into blinding resentment, possibly erupting in a massive rage outburst. It is not even a question of finding ways not to fight. The focus is on helping people understand to pick and choose their fights in a relationship.
This Frank Rule of Relationships, to pick and choose your fights, is also a great Calibration tool. Knowing how to screen if a fight is worth the effort, or if a fight is a waste of your time, can help smooth things along for long-term relationship success.
It is important to judge who you are fighting with. Is the person you are about to engage with someone that is toxic (meaning the person lacks the capacity to reason or be reasonable)? Then your attempts to argue with such a person are futile.
For example, an addict that is in the throws of withdrawal and desperately demanding money from you to feed the addiction is not in a reasonable state of mind where your attempts of talking to him or her out of it, will most likely not be effective. Even therapists try to arrange their sessions with addicts to happen at a time when the addict would be most receptive to talking.
It is also important to be able to access your own ability to manage an unpleasant discussion that can easily turned heated. Know thy self, dear reader. If you can estimate that you would be unable to properly and maturely discuss a matter at a given moment, arrange with your partner to be able to talk about it at a later time, when you have had the chance to cool down and can be in a more rational and accepting frame of mind.
In picking and choosing your fights, it is not about going to either extreme of always fighting with people about everything, or never fighting with anyone regardless of what they do to you. It is about being able to decipher when it is worth the time and effort to express yourself, when it is necessary to communicate a consequence that you will enact based on your reaction to others, and when you shouldn't even bother trying at all.
If you zealously argue for every inconvenience you suffer, regardless of how important it is or isn't, you will likely lose credibility in the eyes of those you regularly communicate too. It can also very likely isolate you as few people want to be around the professional protestor, who usually do not understand that fighting about the political climate you are living in does not mandate the same reaction as your toast being under-toasted at the breakfast you ordered at the local greasy spoon.
When you do pick the fight that you think is worth it, and assuming you are dealing with a reasonable person, and assuming that you are in a good frame of mind, make the distinction between expressing your issue, and issuing a consequence to the issue.
When you express the issue that you are willing to fight about (it could be a boundary, a need of yours, or a manner in which you expect to be treated) it is important to simply state the issue.
For example, when a cashier is spending time on the phone instead of doing her job, expressing your issue when you pick this fight may sound something like: "Excuse me miss, when I come to the cash register, I would appreciate that you get off the phone with your friend, and do your job." Here you are not resorting to name-calling, screaming, or threats. You are directly, calmly and clearly stating your issue when picking this fight. If the cashier is actually a reasonable person, she will realize the importance of your expression, and will follow through to accommodate you. If the cashier is a reasonable person having an unreasonable moment (or maybe she is just toxic after all), she may try to justify her position or try to attack your position as in: "This will only be a minute, are you that much in a hurry?"
It is at THIS point, that you would go from expressing your issue to enforcing your issue by stating a consequence, which could sound something like this: "Miss, if you do not end that call and do your job right now, then I will have to take up this matter with your manager, who I am sure will not be as open to your pressing call."
The key is that you do not mention the consequence until after you have given the person a chance to wake up, for what could be just a bad day for them.
Conflict is never a pleasant situation. However, it is a part of life, and your ability to pick and choose your fights will help determine your ability to manage your long-term relationship success. You do not have a choice when it comes to what people may try to put you through, but you do have a choice to how charismatic you can try to be when it happens.
Frank Kermit
