- Published on
What They Do Not Tell You About Having Kids
By Frank Kermit
I always try to be very practical and realistic in my articles. This can come across very negative, given that my topic is Relationships (and all things relative) and most associations made with love, sex, dating and relationships are generally positive ones. So writers such as I often get scorned for presenting a realistic side of what relationships have to offer. I don't wish for people to walk away from my works with a negative view of love, life, relationships and each other.
What I do want to impart is that the reality of relationships, if you are aware and prepared for it, can work in your favor to have a great one. If you are not prepared for the reality of relationships, it is the lack of awareness and preparation that will taint your experience, and not the relationship in question.
I am a father. I love my son. The best way I can describe what it feels like to be a father is to tell people that I have acquired a happiness and fulfillment that I never knew I was missing. With that said, there were a number of realities related to having kids, that I was not neither aware of nor prepared for. What I am about to share with you is by no means a complete list. Think of it as an introduction to the things most people will not tell you about becoming a parent.
Having a kid means that you will never again take sleep for granted. There simply is too much to do, within too little a time frame, and you don't get any days off. You learn just how much people with children are actually running on very little sleep.
Having a kid means you learn to eat garbage and learn to love the taste. Here, I refer to metaphorical garbage, such as biting your tongue when you want to tell off your idiot boss, because even though you would be ready to handle the consequences of getting fired from your job, there is a little person who is depending on you to keep a stable income and whatever company benefits you rely on, to keep that little person healthy, taken care of and safe.
Having a kid means that you learn very quickly that all of your hopes. dreams and plans need to take a back seat to the absolute needs of your child. Those ideal vacation spots, alternative career pursuits, and even artistic endeavors will simply have to wait until you work your way into a more stable and affordable situation, which depending on other life circumstances (poor health, employment issues, and family crisis) could make it impossible to ever pursue. Your dreams of writing that book, being known for your art, or pursuing a lofty education really don't measure up against having to care for an infant and tending to you kids basic needs for survival.
Having a kid means that you learn very fast that no one gives a damn about you or your kid as much as you thought they did. You and your kids are no one else's first priorities, and people will take care of their own problems before they will ever worry about you and yours.
Having a kid means whatever issues you did not resolve from your own childhood could come swarming up when you become the parent. Some people end up reliving their own horrible childhoods as they watch their own children grow up. Raising a kid is hard enough. Battling your own personal demons just makes it that much more difficult.
Having a kid means that if you choose the wrong relationship partner, you find out in the worst possible ways. As a relationship coach, I often find my clients very surprised when they go on and on about having thought about finding their soul mate, and I ask them if they talked to their soul mate about common values they would utilize in parenting.
Would you be surprised to hear that the majority of people never (and I mean NEVER) considered qualities of being a good parent as a means of identifying a soul mate? If it turns out that your soul mate would be a lousy parent, you may just want to re-consider just what the heck your criteria for spotting a soul mate is.
Having a kid means that your relationship will experience extra pressures. Even the best partnerships will feel the strain of parenthood, and will have to separate actually being upset with your partner, versus just lashing out at your partner because you are both at your wits end.
Having a kid means that you simply will not meet those deadlines for work because your kid needed you to rush out to a hospital for an ear infection, or dehydration from prolonged gastro, or an injury that took place at daycare. The less support system of have of extended family and friends, the more you will have to run around on empty just to keep a minimal status quo.
Having a kid means you have come to realize the most important job a human being could ever have is to be a good parent. It is a hard and nearly thankless job for the most part. It is at that point when you come to terms with that all you can do is the best you can, with what you have, and you just hope that will be enough. If it is not enough, then you and your kid are both in trouble.
At the same time, this might be a key factor in you having compassion for your own parent's shortcomings. Even your parents did the best they could with what they had, and when their best was not good enough, it was all you could get.
Having a kid means, that if your life did not have any meaning before, it does now.
Having a kid means, that you have a new appreciation and understanding for issues that affect the masses, because they affect the world in which your kid is growing up.
Issues like censorship, laws regarding keeping people safe, bullying, tuition fees, even changes in government policy that could potentially affect your kids 10 or 15 years in the future matter to you more than they ever could have before. Having walls built around home swinging pools seems like an example of over regulation, until it is your kid that could be in danger of drowning.
Having a kid means you realize just how much people who do not have kids, really do not understand what it means to raise a child of your own; and as a parent you cannot take for granted that anyone would care enough or have compassion for your kid the way you do.
All those, "If I ever had a kid, I would never..." yappers find themselves touting a different tune when they are the exhausted parent just trying to survive another day during a kid's defiant stage.
Having a kid means you learn just how incredibly helpless a parent can feel when your baby is suffering, and there is nothing you can do about it, wishing you could simply take their place and suffer for them.
Having a kid means you swap an-exciting-romantic-power-sex evening for an evening of microwave-popcorn-cartoon-movies-and-a-smiling-calmer-kid as a definition of a-good-time-had-by-all.
Having a kid means you will be pushed to the very limits of your energy, your patience, your ability, and then...you continue going. You have someone depending on you and thus you simply have too. Parents do not need to watch The Walking Dead. During cold season, parents sometimes ARE the walking dead.
Having a kid means that you become acutely aware of your mortality and thus start getting focused on having a legal will in place, or inheritance in place, in case you die, so that a contingency plan is set to care for your kid after you are gone. You may swap your dreams of fame and fortune in exchange to just wanting to own your own house and some land to grow your own food, just in case you don't last long enough to meet your own grand-kids.
If you and your partner are thinking about having a kid, and if it is your first, make sure you are ready for the sacrifices and life changes it will bring about.
Adhere to the reality of having a kid. Otherwise that lack of awareness and preparation will be the exact reason your relationship may not survive.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
I always try to be very practical and realistic in my articles. This can come across very negative, given that my topic is Relationships (and all things relative) and most associations made with love, sex, dating and relationships are generally positive ones. So writers such as I often get scorned for presenting a realistic side of what relationships have to offer. I don't wish for people to walk away from my works with a negative view of love, life, relationships and each other.
What I do want to impart is that the reality of relationships, if you are aware and prepared for it, can work in your favor to have a great one. If you are not prepared for the reality of relationships, it is the lack of awareness and preparation that will taint your experience, and not the relationship in question.
I am a father. I love my son. The best way I can describe what it feels like to be a father is to tell people that I have acquired a happiness and fulfillment that I never knew I was missing. With that said, there were a number of realities related to having kids, that I was not neither aware of nor prepared for. What I am about to share with you is by no means a complete list. Think of it as an introduction to the things most people will not tell you about becoming a parent.
Having a kid means that you will never again take sleep for granted. There simply is too much to do, within too little a time frame, and you don't get any days off. You learn just how much people with children are actually running on very little sleep.
Having a kid means you learn to eat garbage and learn to love the taste. Here, I refer to metaphorical garbage, such as biting your tongue when you want to tell off your idiot boss, because even though you would be ready to handle the consequences of getting fired from your job, there is a little person who is depending on you to keep a stable income and whatever company benefits you rely on, to keep that little person healthy, taken care of and safe.
Having a kid means that you learn very quickly that all of your hopes. dreams and plans need to take a back seat to the absolute needs of your child. Those ideal vacation spots, alternative career pursuits, and even artistic endeavors will simply have to wait until you work your way into a more stable and affordable situation, which depending on other life circumstances (poor health, employment issues, and family crisis) could make it impossible to ever pursue. Your dreams of writing that book, being known for your art, or pursuing a lofty education really don't measure up against having to care for an infant and tending to you kids basic needs for survival.
Having a kid means that you learn very fast that no one gives a damn about you or your kid as much as you thought they did. You and your kids are no one else's first priorities, and people will take care of their own problems before they will ever worry about you and yours.
Having a kid means whatever issues you did not resolve from your own childhood could come swarming up when you become the parent. Some people end up reliving their own horrible childhoods as they watch their own children grow up. Raising a kid is hard enough. Battling your own personal demons just makes it that much more difficult.
Having a kid means that if you choose the wrong relationship partner, you find out in the worst possible ways. As a relationship coach, I often find my clients very surprised when they go on and on about having thought about finding their soul mate, and I ask them if they talked to their soul mate about common values they would utilize in parenting.
Would you be surprised to hear that the majority of people never (and I mean NEVER) considered qualities of being a good parent as a means of identifying a soul mate? If it turns out that your soul mate would be a lousy parent, you may just want to re-consider just what the heck your criteria for spotting a soul mate is.
Having a kid means that your relationship will experience extra pressures. Even the best partnerships will feel the strain of parenthood, and will have to separate actually being upset with your partner, versus just lashing out at your partner because you are both at your wits end.
Having a kid means that you simply will not meet those deadlines for work because your kid needed you to rush out to a hospital for an ear infection, or dehydration from prolonged gastro, or an injury that took place at daycare. The less support system of have of extended family and friends, the more you will have to run around on empty just to keep a minimal status quo.
Having a kid means you have come to realize the most important job a human being could ever have is to be a good parent. It is a hard and nearly thankless job for the most part. It is at that point when you come to terms with that all you can do is the best you can, with what you have, and you just hope that will be enough. If it is not enough, then you and your kid are both in trouble.
At the same time, this might be a key factor in you having compassion for your own parent's shortcomings. Even your parents did the best they could with what they had, and when their best was not good enough, it was all you could get.
Having a kid means, that if your life did not have any meaning before, it does now.
Having a kid means, that you have a new appreciation and understanding for issues that affect the masses, because they affect the world in which your kid is growing up.
Issues like censorship, laws regarding keeping people safe, bullying, tuition fees, even changes in government policy that could potentially affect your kids 10 or 15 years in the future matter to you more than they ever could have before. Having walls built around home swinging pools seems like an example of over regulation, until it is your kid that could be in danger of drowning.
Having a kid means you realize just how much people who do not have kids, really do not understand what it means to raise a child of your own; and as a parent you cannot take for granted that anyone would care enough or have compassion for your kid the way you do.
All those, "If I ever had a kid, I would never..." yappers find themselves touting a different tune when they are the exhausted parent just trying to survive another day during a kid's defiant stage.
Having a kid means you learn just how incredibly helpless a parent can feel when your baby is suffering, and there is nothing you can do about it, wishing you could simply take their place and suffer for them.
Having a kid means you swap an-exciting-romantic-power-sex evening for an evening of microwave-popcorn-cartoon-movies-and-a-smiling-calmer-kid as a definition of a-good-time-had-by-all.
Having a kid means you will be pushed to the very limits of your energy, your patience, your ability, and then...you continue going. You have someone depending on you and thus you simply have too. Parents do not need to watch The Walking Dead. During cold season, parents sometimes ARE the walking dead.
Having a kid means that you become acutely aware of your mortality and thus start getting focused on having a legal will in place, or inheritance in place, in case you die, so that a contingency plan is set to care for your kid after you are gone. You may swap your dreams of fame and fortune in exchange to just wanting to own your own house and some land to grow your own food, just in case you don't last long enough to meet your own grand-kids.
If you and your partner are thinking about having a kid, and if it is your first, make sure you are ready for the sacrifices and life changes it will bring about.
Adhere to the reality of having a kid. Otherwise that lack of awareness and preparation will be the exact reason your relationship may not survive.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Fear of Conflict is Rooted in a Fear of Loss
By Frank Kermit
Are you too nice when it comes to relationships? Do you walk on eggshells because you do not want to upset your partner? Are you reluctant to enforce your boundaries with someone you care about? Are you afraid of the confrontations that would result if you communicated how you felt, even if you communicated in a compassionate and effective manner? Chances are you have a fear of conflict.
There are very few things more devastating to the potential for long-term relationship success than a fear of conflict. Supplicating to your partner, or anyone for that matter, when your boundaries are crossed will more than likely lead to certain consequences such as building resentment. In time, building resentment needs a release, and this is where the stereotype of the nice person going "postal" comes from. Eventually, all that resentment finally comes out in one full on explosion of emotion, and the people around that person, never saw the rage coming, because that person has always been so accommodating (read: nice) about things. As far as everyone else was concerned, there was never any issue to be worried about, because the person who is too nice, never identified the conflicts he or she was experiencing.
Furthermore, another side effect of a fear of conflict can be the bad habit of lying. Lies and lies and more lies, each one to help cover the last one, all in the name of trying to avoid a conflict. Not everyone who fears conflicts lies; however, some do. This is a very bad habit to be in. It gets especially bad when people convince themselves that they are lying to "spare the other person any anguish". Although the liars really do believe, and strongly convince themselves, they are lying for the good of others, the liars will only be able to break this repeating behavior pattern when they can admit they lie to help themselves avoid potential conflicts.
THIS is the reason that people who are too nice in relationships often find themselves not easily earning the trust of their lovers. Experience will teach many a partner to be wary of those people that come across as too nice, because new partners will be suspicious about when the next explosion of rage may hit. Caught in the crossfire are people who are very nice, but who are not afraid of conflict. The sad part is that real nice people tend to turn off high quality partners, and attract those people who are in the habit of taking advantage of nice people. Those actual nice people can sometimes feel a sense of frustration because they cannot understand why things continue to not work out in relationships.
At the root of fear of conflict is a fear of loss. It has nothing to do with the fear of losing an argument that the conflict might spark. It has to do with how a person will imagine they will be abandoned if they bring the conflict to light. Some people fear conflict because they are worried that having a conflict with someone they care about, might in fact, bring about the end of the relationship. Depending on what the conflict is, the cost of enforcing a boundary could very well be the relationship. In other cases, it is not the conflict that will end the relationship, but a person's inability to handle intense emotions that the conflict brings out. If the person with the conflict is not comfortable with intense emotions, they may bring up the conflict in the only way they know how, which is likely very un-calibrated and comes across as angry, and not a calm discussion.
Some people are reluctant to learning to accept conflicts as a part of life because they are afraid that it will cause them to see nothing but conflicts everywhere they look. I attempt to explain to people that conflicts do not just manifest out of thin air. Those conflicts were ALWAYS there and it is just that learning the ability to mange a fear of conflict, also gives the gift of developing a talent to spot conflicts that you previously did not read as conflict signals.
For example, part of learning to deal with a fear of conflict is to identify your deal breakers and boundaries. Once you know where your boundaries are, then you will see all those places where your boundaries are violated (thus seeing the signals of conflicts). Until you know yourself enough to be able to articulate your boundaries, you will be unable to manage your fear of conflict because you will not be able to properly put your finger on where the conflict actually exists.
The Irony is that you are much more likely to lose what you have if you do not allow for conflicts to surface. People who are too scared to talk it out because they are scared to lose a partner, inevitably end up in situations where they are unable to feel trust in their partners (or vice-versa) because of the silent resentment that slowly builds between them.
Resentment kills intimacy. If you have conflicts, you MUST communicate and work them out; otherwise, those conflicts will kill any potential that you would have originally had to make your relationships successful. To summarize, a relationship that cannot handle conflict is a relationship that is destined for doom.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Are you too nice when it comes to relationships? Do you walk on eggshells because you do not want to upset your partner? Are you reluctant to enforce your boundaries with someone you care about? Are you afraid of the confrontations that would result if you communicated how you felt, even if you communicated in a compassionate and effective manner? Chances are you have a fear of conflict.
There are very few things more devastating to the potential for long-term relationship success than a fear of conflict. Supplicating to your partner, or anyone for that matter, when your boundaries are crossed will more than likely lead to certain consequences such as building resentment. In time, building resentment needs a release, and this is where the stereotype of the nice person going "postal" comes from. Eventually, all that resentment finally comes out in one full on explosion of emotion, and the people around that person, never saw the rage coming, because that person has always been so accommodating (read: nice) about things. As far as everyone else was concerned, there was never any issue to be worried about, because the person who is too nice, never identified the conflicts he or she was experiencing.
Furthermore, another side effect of a fear of conflict can be the bad habit of lying. Lies and lies and more lies, each one to help cover the last one, all in the name of trying to avoid a conflict. Not everyone who fears conflicts lies; however, some do. This is a very bad habit to be in. It gets especially bad when people convince themselves that they are lying to "spare the other person any anguish". Although the liars really do believe, and strongly convince themselves, they are lying for the good of others, the liars will only be able to break this repeating behavior pattern when they can admit they lie to help themselves avoid potential conflicts.
THIS is the reason that people who are too nice in relationships often find themselves not easily earning the trust of their lovers. Experience will teach many a partner to be wary of those people that come across as too nice, because new partners will be suspicious about when the next explosion of rage may hit. Caught in the crossfire are people who are very nice, but who are not afraid of conflict. The sad part is that real nice people tend to turn off high quality partners, and attract those people who are in the habit of taking advantage of nice people. Those actual nice people can sometimes feel a sense of frustration because they cannot understand why things continue to not work out in relationships.
At the root of fear of conflict is a fear of loss. It has nothing to do with the fear of losing an argument that the conflict might spark. It has to do with how a person will imagine they will be abandoned if they bring the conflict to light. Some people fear conflict because they are worried that having a conflict with someone they care about, might in fact, bring about the end of the relationship. Depending on what the conflict is, the cost of enforcing a boundary could very well be the relationship. In other cases, it is not the conflict that will end the relationship, but a person's inability to handle intense emotions that the conflict brings out. If the person with the conflict is not comfortable with intense emotions, they may bring up the conflict in the only way they know how, which is likely very un-calibrated and comes across as angry, and not a calm discussion.
Some people are reluctant to learning to accept conflicts as a part of life because they are afraid that it will cause them to see nothing but conflicts everywhere they look. I attempt to explain to people that conflicts do not just manifest out of thin air. Those conflicts were ALWAYS there and it is just that learning the ability to mange a fear of conflict, also gives the gift of developing a talent to spot conflicts that you previously did not read as conflict signals.
For example, part of learning to deal with a fear of conflict is to identify your deal breakers and boundaries. Once you know where your boundaries are, then you will see all those places where your boundaries are violated (thus seeing the signals of conflicts). Until you know yourself enough to be able to articulate your boundaries, you will be unable to manage your fear of conflict because you will not be able to properly put your finger on where the conflict actually exists.
The Irony is that you are much more likely to lose what you have if you do not allow for conflicts to surface. People who are too scared to talk it out because they are scared to lose a partner, inevitably end up in situations where they are unable to feel trust in their partners (or vice-versa) because of the silent resentment that slowly builds between them.
Resentment kills intimacy. If you have conflicts, you MUST communicate and work them out; otherwise, those conflicts will kill any potential that you would have originally had to make your relationships successful. To summarize, a relationship that cannot handle conflict is a relationship that is destined for doom.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
When Partners Change During Relationships
By Frank Kermit
When partners change and grow as individuals, it is important for them as individuals to keep in mind that each of their respective growth also needs to be balanced with growing their relationship as well. People change for their own reasons. Very rarely do people change exclusively for their partners. This is a very important key point in choosing a life partner. You do not choose a life partner, based on your belief about how you can change your partner in the future. You choose a life partner for who your partner is today. Think of it as an as-is purchase. If you are sold on the idea of what you plan on turning your partner into, instead of accepting your partner as is, right now in the present moment, flaws and all, then the likelihood of your relationship ending badly have significantly increased.
A relationship is not a fixer-upper. Unlike a material item that you have full control to restore to its original greatness, or make adjustments to bring it up to date, a relationship is with another human being who you do not control like a material possession. A person can only change within the capacity of they have to change, and no amount of nagging, badgering, insults nor threats of abandonment will ever motivate a person to change more than they can.
This is not to say that people do not change. They do. Over the course of a lifespan, people will change. They will go through stages, have new experiences, learn more about themselves, learn more about life, and as their emotional needs change and evolve, so too will their boundaries and where they are willing to compromise. What is currently very important at the beginning of a relationship may no longer be a concern 20 or 30 years into it. By the same token, what was not important at all 20-30 years ago may be exceptionally important today. Even if a couple's core values stay the same over the years, it is still possible that the way each individual in the couple needs to express those values start to conflict. For example, each individual in a couple may hold family values in high regard. However, one partner of the couple accepts a child's lifestyle they do not agree with in the name of upholding and respecting a family value, whereas the other partner would disown the child, claiming it is for the same reason; to uphold and respect a family value, by not being open to a lifestyle they originally disagreed with. Sad, isn't it?
One of the reasons that younger people are encouraged not to get too emotionally committed in relationships is preciously because they are usually in a major flux of personal development and chasing career goals, such that they are changing rapidly over a short period of time, and thus they could be very different people from the day the relationship begins to the day when those changes may cause the relationship to end.
Personal growth can be a wonderful thing, and very necessary for those in the pursuit of happiness and for higher levels of awareness to better understand the world around them. When on such a journey, be mindful that your relationship is not always the curse that is holding you back as some fickle gurus and mentors may claim. Your relationship could always continue to be a source of stability and strength if you let it. Explore ways for you both to change and grow as a couple, because that is part of what the mandate of being in a relationship is. That is what people (sometimes unknowingly) sign up for when they enter a relationship.
People do change over the course of a relationship, however it is rarely in the way the original partners intended, and if they work at it, they can grow together and make their relationship stronger over time.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
When partners change and grow as individuals, it is important for them as individuals to keep in mind that each of their respective growth also needs to be balanced with growing their relationship as well. People change for their own reasons. Very rarely do people change exclusively for their partners. This is a very important key point in choosing a life partner. You do not choose a life partner, based on your belief about how you can change your partner in the future. You choose a life partner for who your partner is today. Think of it as an as-is purchase. If you are sold on the idea of what you plan on turning your partner into, instead of accepting your partner as is, right now in the present moment, flaws and all, then the likelihood of your relationship ending badly have significantly increased.
A relationship is not a fixer-upper. Unlike a material item that you have full control to restore to its original greatness, or make adjustments to bring it up to date, a relationship is with another human being who you do not control like a material possession. A person can only change within the capacity of they have to change, and no amount of nagging, badgering, insults nor threats of abandonment will ever motivate a person to change more than they can.
This is not to say that people do not change. They do. Over the course of a lifespan, people will change. They will go through stages, have new experiences, learn more about themselves, learn more about life, and as their emotional needs change and evolve, so too will their boundaries and where they are willing to compromise. What is currently very important at the beginning of a relationship may no longer be a concern 20 or 30 years into it. By the same token, what was not important at all 20-30 years ago may be exceptionally important today. Even if a couple's core values stay the same over the years, it is still possible that the way each individual in the couple needs to express those values start to conflict. For example, each individual in a couple may hold family values in high regard. However, one partner of the couple accepts a child's lifestyle they do not agree with in the name of upholding and respecting a family value, whereas the other partner would disown the child, claiming it is for the same reason; to uphold and respect a family value, by not being open to a lifestyle they originally disagreed with. Sad, isn't it?
One of the reasons that younger people are encouraged not to get too emotionally committed in relationships is preciously because they are usually in a major flux of personal development and chasing career goals, such that they are changing rapidly over a short period of time, and thus they could be very different people from the day the relationship begins to the day when those changes may cause the relationship to end.
Personal growth can be a wonderful thing, and very necessary for those in the pursuit of happiness and for higher levels of awareness to better understand the world around them. When on such a journey, be mindful that your relationship is not always the curse that is holding you back as some fickle gurus and mentors may claim. Your relationship could always continue to be a source of stability and strength if you let it. Explore ways for you both to change and grow as a couple, because that is part of what the mandate of being in a relationship is. That is what people (sometimes unknowingly) sign up for when they enter a relationship.
People do change over the course of a relationship, however it is rarely in the way the original partners intended, and if they work at it, they can grow together and make their relationship stronger over time.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Is there such a thing as Happily Single?
By Frank Kermit
Is being single really that bad? After all, when a person considers the amount of pain that a relationship or casual dating can cause, it may seem that just skipping the whole dating-thing altogether might make for a more peaceful life.
Could it be that intimate relations are simply not for everyone, and maybe you happen to be one of those people? How do you know if being alone is the right choice for you and is it even possible to be content, or even fulfilled in a life without romantic love? As always, that answer is completely up to you.
The people who struggle with this question the most are those people that never actually had an overly positive, intimate relationship with someone before. If that is coupled with an environment that was emotionally sterile while that person was growing up, it makes trying to find the motivation for seeking out a relationship almost obsolete.
Without having experienced what a health loving relationship can be, or not having experienced the positive attributes of being with someone that cares for you, it is challenging for someone to see the value is pursuing a goal they have no concept of.
Then the consideration comes in that some people are simply too damaged to be in a relationship. There are cases where someone may be struggling with a personal demon like an addiction, or still coping with a history of abuse. Those demons may limit their capacity for intimate relationships of any kind. In these cases, people tend to be encouraged to work on themselves before entering into romantic relationships so that the challenges inherent with romantic relationships do not distract the people from the healing process, nor allow the romantic relationships to exasperate a persons energy causing them not to have the personal resources to slay the demon.
This is most commonly understood when someone enters a drug and alcohol treatment center where patients are forbidden to have relations with each other and contact with loved ones must be limited.
I have often found that barring any major issues, that a few people are simply not ready to make the commitment to the amount of work that is necessary to change an area of their life they are not happy with.
Dismissed as laziness by some, the lack of willingness to put in the work required to change behavior patterns is nothing to scoff at. Changing anything in your life forces you out of your comfort zone. It takes work. The motivation to make such changes may very well require that someone hit an absolute rock bottom before having enough gumption to finally make that change. The same principle applies to changing the status of a persons love life.
It is unfortunate that people require that kind of rock bottom to reach a point where the pain of staying where they are is finally greater than the pain of making a change.
When I am asked if it is better to be in a relationship that is bad, or being alone, I often quote one of my inspirations. To paraphrase: Are you better off with that person, or better off without that person? There is no set answer.
It completely depends on the context of your situation. There are a number of other factors to consider in the answer to this question. Are you very miserable, or just so-so bored with your partner? Is your partner a good parent to your kids, or are your kids in danger around your partner? Are you fighting day in and day out with your partner, or have you and your partner settled into a quiet existence that you find a little bland? Is your partner someone you can rely on, or is your partner a dead beat? If you were alone, would you be able to manage not having the positive elements that you do get from the relationships you experience? Are you just a negative person and will continue to find fault with your life even if your leave your partner?
Ending a relationship is NOT always the answer when things are rough in life, because life is also going to be rough on you when you are single. There are always consequences to either lifestyle to choose, the question remains which consequences are you more adept to handle accepting?
Some people are just comfortable being alone, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you are happier being alone, then take pride in that. If you complain about being alone, then do something about it. If you complain about being in a relationship, again do something about it.
Communicate with your partner and find out what is possible to change the areas you are not happy with, to see if you can work to build the relationship together that you will find fulfillment in.
If you are trying to figure out if you want to give up on love or not, one of the ways to decide this for yourself is to sit down and work through the differences between your feelings towards single life and your desires for the kind of lifestyle you want for yourself. Start with your ideal lifestyle and work your way backwards to your current present date.
Once you have that ideal (and REALISTIC) lifestyle mapped out, see if you are the type of person that can actually attain it, and if you would be able to attract the kind of partner that you yourself would need to be.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Is being single really that bad? After all, when a person considers the amount of pain that a relationship or casual dating can cause, it may seem that just skipping the whole dating-thing altogether might make for a more peaceful life.
Could it be that intimate relations are simply not for everyone, and maybe you happen to be one of those people? How do you know if being alone is the right choice for you and is it even possible to be content, or even fulfilled in a life without romantic love? As always, that answer is completely up to you.
The people who struggle with this question the most are those people that never actually had an overly positive, intimate relationship with someone before. If that is coupled with an environment that was emotionally sterile while that person was growing up, it makes trying to find the motivation for seeking out a relationship almost obsolete.
Without having experienced what a health loving relationship can be, or not having experienced the positive attributes of being with someone that cares for you, it is challenging for someone to see the value is pursuing a goal they have no concept of.
Then the consideration comes in that some people are simply too damaged to be in a relationship. There are cases where someone may be struggling with a personal demon like an addiction, or still coping with a history of abuse. Those demons may limit their capacity for intimate relationships of any kind. In these cases, people tend to be encouraged to work on themselves before entering into romantic relationships so that the challenges inherent with romantic relationships do not distract the people from the healing process, nor allow the romantic relationships to exasperate a persons energy causing them not to have the personal resources to slay the demon.
This is most commonly understood when someone enters a drug and alcohol treatment center where patients are forbidden to have relations with each other and contact with loved ones must be limited.
I have often found that barring any major issues, that a few people are simply not ready to make the commitment to the amount of work that is necessary to change an area of their life they are not happy with.
Dismissed as laziness by some, the lack of willingness to put in the work required to change behavior patterns is nothing to scoff at. Changing anything in your life forces you out of your comfort zone. It takes work. The motivation to make such changes may very well require that someone hit an absolute rock bottom before having enough gumption to finally make that change. The same principle applies to changing the status of a persons love life.
It is unfortunate that people require that kind of rock bottom to reach a point where the pain of staying where they are is finally greater than the pain of making a change.
When I am asked if it is better to be in a relationship that is bad, or being alone, I often quote one of my inspirations. To paraphrase: Are you better off with that person, or better off without that person? There is no set answer.
It completely depends on the context of your situation. There are a number of other factors to consider in the answer to this question. Are you very miserable, or just so-so bored with your partner? Is your partner a good parent to your kids, or are your kids in danger around your partner? Are you fighting day in and day out with your partner, or have you and your partner settled into a quiet existence that you find a little bland? Is your partner someone you can rely on, or is your partner a dead beat? If you were alone, would you be able to manage not having the positive elements that you do get from the relationships you experience? Are you just a negative person and will continue to find fault with your life even if your leave your partner?
Ending a relationship is NOT always the answer when things are rough in life, because life is also going to be rough on you when you are single. There are always consequences to either lifestyle to choose, the question remains which consequences are you more adept to handle accepting?
Some people are just comfortable being alone, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you are happier being alone, then take pride in that. If you complain about being alone, then do something about it. If you complain about being in a relationship, again do something about it.
Communicate with your partner and find out what is possible to change the areas you are not happy with, to see if you can work to build the relationship together that you will find fulfillment in.
If you are trying to figure out if you want to give up on love or not, one of the ways to decide this for yourself is to sit down and work through the differences between your feelings towards single life and your desires for the kind of lifestyle you want for yourself. Start with your ideal lifestyle and work your way backwards to your current present date.
Once you have that ideal (and REALISTIC) lifestyle mapped out, see if you are the type of person that can actually attain it, and if you would be able to attract the kind of partner that you yourself would need to be.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Sean Keane Tribute
By Frank Kermit
The first time I got to know Sean Keane was back in January 1995. I had seen him perform on stage a couple of years earlier, but it was only in 1995 that I got to know him more personally. I was a student in Communication Studies at Concordia University in the Television Production Level 2 course, and was part of a small team of students producing a documentary on the topic of comedy as our major class project. We were a young, eager group, hungry for the chance to showcase what we could do, and build up our portfolio to get jobs in the industry.
The documentary entitled Laugh-Trax featured stand-up comics Alastair McAlastair, Sean Keane, the musical sketch comedy team of Radio Free Vestibule, and a group of wannabes comics from a workshop on stand-up comedy led by more established comics Barry Julien and David John McCarthy. At the time, that documentary represented one of the most important works any of us Concordia students had ever ventured doing towards carving a name for ourselves in the industry.
We were grateful for any participation we got from the talent we filmed. I remember that Sean Keane was actually incredibly supportive in ways that we could not have begun to imagine. Sean gave our documentary more time in being filmed and interviewed than we could have reasonably expected.
One night, Sean had invited us to videotape him doing a full set at a comedy club. The team filmed him, but the crowd was just not as high on his style of comedy as we would have liked. Sean’s humor was unique and sometimes, it took audiences a little while to really get the character he played on stage. Nonetheless, we were grateful just for getting the chance to record the man in action. As the crew packed up, Sean made a phone call. He had reached out to someone at another comedy club that same night asking if he could crash the show, and perform on stage so that the students he was helping out could get another shot at recording him live on stage. The club administration agreed.
In walked Sean Keane, with a group of students who feverishly but quietly set up their equipment at the back of the bar, getting an audio feed from the club’s sound board while the other comedians performed and Sean worked out the details with the M.C. for the night, about how to introduce him. The MC made it a point to say that Sean Keane was in the house, crashed the party and was going to be a special unannounced attraction. Sean headed towards the stage, with his trademark theme song playing (the man had his own theme song!!), and the crowd went nuts. THIS crowd knew who Sean Keane was. His act was over the top (as usual), but there was something a little different. He knew we were filming him and he put on an awesome performance that included and extra dance with M.C. of the night Alastair McAlastair. At the end of the set, the crowd roared, and we got the footage we were desperately looking for. Thank you Sean Keane!
In time, I would learn that Sean actually had some anxiety about performing live and on camera. Despite that, he performed for us twice in one night when he did not have too. What a guy. Sean Keane the human being, was incredibly far removed from the character he played on stage whose comedic remarks included a rudeness, grunts, and the narcissists comments of a self-centered glory hound.
Years later, I would run into Sean Keane while I volunteered at the West Mount Legal Clinic in the YMCA. Sean told me that he wasn’t performing as much, but that making people laugh was still in his heart, and that he had lots of ideas that he wanted to explore in the future related to comedy. Found out he was a real health nut, and had the biggest soft spot when it came to animals. Once again, Sean Keane the human being was so far removed from the character he played on stage. We would see each other regularly on the streets of NDG for years, with a friendly hello and small conversations.
Every time I ran into him, all I could think of to myself is: There was an entertainer with the elusive IT factor. He knew how to press the right buttons and given long enough to warm over the crowd, could evoke a reaction from almost anyone. I always believed that he just needed the right break, and that he would be an overnight success. I never questioned it.
In late 2012, I was on Facebook, and George Bowser (Bowser and Blue) wrote in that Sean Keane had died at age 52. Shocked was an understatement. How could someone so in love with healthy habits and so full of life be gone? And so young? It just did not make sense.
Sometimes, I think about Sean Keane while I go about my day-to-day routine, and I am always bothered by one thing. The fact that someone like Sean, with the raw charisma and IT factor power that Sean had, never made it to the Tonight Show. If I ever get to the Tonight Show myself, I think I will bring a picture of Sean Keane with me, and help introduce the world to him. From what I understand, it was one of his dreams, and if I can help him like that, in the same way he helped out a bunch of students achieve their dream so many years ago, I would like to think it is the type of karma that Sean would have enjoyed.
“Sean was the most unique comic I’ve ever met. He had his own style, own look even his own theme song! Sean was just a kind individual. Always great to speak to or hang out with him, he will be greatly missed,” says Joey Elias of the CJAD comedy show.
“I loved Sean. His comedy was special and he will be missed,” says Alastair McAlastair of the CBC.
Many of Sean Keane’s friends and family are organizeda night of comedy and memories in October 2013 at the Comedyworks. On the card were Terence Bowman, Winston Spear, Mike Paterson, Peter Radomski, EJ Brule, and Kevin MacDonald.
Finally I would like to present a never before released interview that I helped record of Sean Keane.
After Sean’s funeral I went searching for a copy of the Laugh-Trax documentary we did. I reached out to various people that I thought might have a good quality copy but to no avail. The only copy I managed to track down was an old copy of a copy on a VHS videocassette. The audio was echoed in some sections of the tape, and there were significant glitches throughout the video that compromise it’s production value. Looking back on what we thought was a masterpiece when it was originally produced, the framing of the camera shots, the ever changing audio levels, and the lack of proper lighting from shooting scenes in a dark comedy club, it really does only look like a student video project.
However, Sean’s interview clips did have enough stable audio attached to them to transcribe most of what he said. This documentary was presented at the end of semester student viewing night at Concordia around April 1995 in front of less than 100 different people, and has only been witnessed by whoever had a copy of the video and their friends. This was way before youtube and social media. For all intent purposes, this interview with Sean Keane was never properly released.
I thought it would be a respectful gesture to share with you all, what Sean was so willing to share with us and our audience
Clips of audio of Sean Keane’s comedy:
Please keep in mind that these jokes were performed in the context of Keane's persona character who was for all intense purposes could come across as an arrogant vulgar jerk. Comedian Sean Keane was able to make the distastefully vulgar and rude character likable and laughably funny, the same way that actor Carroll O’ Connor was able to make the gruff, bigoted ignorant character Archie Bunker into a beloved figured and TV icon.
THAT was part of the genius of Sean Keane.
Clip: “There are no lesbians, just chicks that have yet to meet me.”
Clip: “I think my grandmother stuffs her bra. At least it feels that way (Ahem!)”
Clip: “Have you seen this ad? A little old lady comes on the TV screen and says, f*ck-f*ck-f*ck, suck my t*ts, suck my t*ts? no? maybe it’s just my imagination then.”
Clip: “I just got off the phone with my manager. He says I should use more profanity in my act. So, any of you people here from out of town, f*ck?”
Clip: “I met my wife in a single’s bar. (Grunt!) She was sitting across the room at the bar and I started to come on to her. Didn’t know I could squirt that far.”
Clip: “She asked me if I would still respect her in the morning. I said, no, but I will f*ck you again.”
The Lost Sean Keane Interview of 1995
Host: How would you describe your style of humor?
Sean: Like everybody else would describe my style: Bizarre. In a way, it’s like something else has entered by body. It’s a way for me to act out like another man.
Host: How do you deal with hecklers?
Sean: I kill them (said as his on stage persona character)
Host: Does the crowd reaction enhance your act?
Sean: Oh for sure. It gives me more (to work with). When they are really with it, I get the nerve to REALLY swagger and act even more like an ass and get more physical (to dance like I did with Alastair that night.)
Host: This is asked of all the comedians we have interviewed because it happens to everyone at some point or another that does stand up comedy. How did you react to the first time you bombed on stage?
Sean: Terrible. I gave it up for a little while. Didn’t pick myself up and dust myself off right away. I was so disturbed about it.
Host: Does vulgarity offer comedy an edge? Is it funnier to include vulgarity?
Sean: I don’t like vulgarity for the sake of having vulgarity. I like vulgarity if it’s obscene to the point of ridiculous. THAT is funny to me. Because then you are laughing at how ridiculous it is, and not the vulgarity itself.
Host: I asked everyone this question. What do you do if someone finds a joke you told offensive and comes to tell you so after your show? Do you explain it to them?
Sean: I don’t like to offend people. That is not my intention. But if someone is offended because someone took it the wrong way, then I do not care. I don’t explain it to them. One woman came up to me complaining about the joke I tell about the 5-year-old daughter
Clip: “I got my five year old daughter on the phone saying daddy-daddy, please come visit me, daddy-daddy I love you I miss you I want you to be here…oh f*ck off. I got my own life to live and my plans don’t include you baby. Besides I hate hospitals”
Sean: So, this woman comes up to me after one of my shows and tells me that she has a young daughter, and her husband just left her, and that I should drop that joke. But I told her, that she made the mistake of marrying the wrong guy and that’s not my fault. This is a joke I wrote on my kitchen table at three o’clock in the morning; it has nothing to do with her life.
Host: How do you feel when you hear a joke that resembles yours, to the point you think someone stole your joke?
Sean: I get very mad. I do not like being ripped off. I have never done it to anybody else. It might sound self-righteous but I don’t like being ripped off and I don’t steal from anybody.
Host: Have you ever told a joke that someone wrote for you?
Sean: No. However I did find out that there was one joke that I was telling, and it was my mother who pointed out the joke was something someone else had told. After doing this joke for 4 to 5 years, my mother told me she saw it on TV. The joke was “I went to an all you can eat buffet, and when I got up for seconds, the manager said sorry sir, that is all you can eat”. My mother had just seen a re-run of Dennis the Menace TV show from the 1950s, where Dennis had an all you can drink lemonade stand, and he poured Margaret a little glass of lemonade, and she wanted more, and he said, sorry Margaret that is all you can drink. It’s the same joke, so I stopped saying it.
Host: Would you still have stopped it even if it was a great joke to begin with and you innocently, without knowing, told essentially the same joke?
Sean: Yes, I would still stop it. Even though I probably shouldn’t stop really because I did not steal it, but there is a bit of a code (of ethics) I got.
Host: Do you have any superstitions about doing comedy?
Sean: I was walking at the airport, and I spotted a penny from far away on the floor, and I thought to myself that if that penny is the year that I was born, then that would be my lucky penny. I picked it up and it was the year I was born. It was my lucky penny ever since.
Host: What would you like to say to end this interview?
Sean: Ladies and Gentleman, comedy is my job and I quit! Thank you and good-night! Thank you!
-Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
The first time I got to know Sean Keane was back in January 1995. I had seen him perform on stage a couple of years earlier, but it was only in 1995 that I got to know him more personally. I was a student in Communication Studies at Concordia University in the Television Production Level 2 course, and was part of a small team of students producing a documentary on the topic of comedy as our major class project. We were a young, eager group, hungry for the chance to showcase what we could do, and build up our portfolio to get jobs in the industry.
The documentary entitled Laugh-Trax featured stand-up comics Alastair McAlastair, Sean Keane, the musical sketch comedy team of Radio Free Vestibule, and a group of wannabes comics from a workshop on stand-up comedy led by more established comics Barry Julien and David John McCarthy. At the time, that documentary represented one of the most important works any of us Concordia students had ever ventured doing towards carving a name for ourselves in the industry.
We were grateful for any participation we got from the talent we filmed. I remember that Sean Keane was actually incredibly supportive in ways that we could not have begun to imagine. Sean gave our documentary more time in being filmed and interviewed than we could have reasonably expected.
One night, Sean had invited us to videotape him doing a full set at a comedy club. The team filmed him, but the crowd was just not as high on his style of comedy as we would have liked. Sean’s humor was unique and sometimes, it took audiences a little while to really get the character he played on stage. Nonetheless, we were grateful just for getting the chance to record the man in action. As the crew packed up, Sean made a phone call. He had reached out to someone at another comedy club that same night asking if he could crash the show, and perform on stage so that the students he was helping out could get another shot at recording him live on stage. The club administration agreed.
In walked Sean Keane, with a group of students who feverishly but quietly set up their equipment at the back of the bar, getting an audio feed from the club’s sound board while the other comedians performed and Sean worked out the details with the M.C. for the night, about how to introduce him. The MC made it a point to say that Sean Keane was in the house, crashed the party and was going to be a special unannounced attraction. Sean headed towards the stage, with his trademark theme song playing (the man had his own theme song!!), and the crowd went nuts. THIS crowd knew who Sean Keane was. His act was over the top (as usual), but there was something a little different. He knew we were filming him and he put on an awesome performance that included and extra dance with M.C. of the night Alastair McAlastair. At the end of the set, the crowd roared, and we got the footage we were desperately looking for. Thank you Sean Keane!
In time, I would learn that Sean actually had some anxiety about performing live and on camera. Despite that, he performed for us twice in one night when he did not have too. What a guy. Sean Keane the human being, was incredibly far removed from the character he played on stage whose comedic remarks included a rudeness, grunts, and the narcissists comments of a self-centered glory hound.
Years later, I would run into Sean Keane while I volunteered at the West Mount Legal Clinic in the YMCA. Sean told me that he wasn’t performing as much, but that making people laugh was still in his heart, and that he had lots of ideas that he wanted to explore in the future related to comedy. Found out he was a real health nut, and had the biggest soft spot when it came to animals. Once again, Sean Keane the human being was so far removed from the character he played on stage. We would see each other regularly on the streets of NDG for years, with a friendly hello and small conversations.
Every time I ran into him, all I could think of to myself is: There was an entertainer with the elusive IT factor. He knew how to press the right buttons and given long enough to warm over the crowd, could evoke a reaction from almost anyone. I always believed that he just needed the right break, and that he would be an overnight success. I never questioned it.
In late 2012, I was on Facebook, and George Bowser (Bowser and Blue) wrote in that Sean Keane had died at age 52. Shocked was an understatement. How could someone so in love with healthy habits and so full of life be gone? And so young? It just did not make sense.
Sometimes, I think about Sean Keane while I go about my day-to-day routine, and I am always bothered by one thing. The fact that someone like Sean, with the raw charisma and IT factor power that Sean had, never made it to the Tonight Show. If I ever get to the Tonight Show myself, I think I will bring a picture of Sean Keane with me, and help introduce the world to him. From what I understand, it was one of his dreams, and if I can help him like that, in the same way he helped out a bunch of students achieve their dream so many years ago, I would like to think it is the type of karma that Sean would have enjoyed.
“Sean was the most unique comic I’ve ever met. He had his own style, own look even his own theme song! Sean was just a kind individual. Always great to speak to or hang out with him, he will be greatly missed,” says Joey Elias of the CJAD comedy show.
“I loved Sean. His comedy was special and he will be missed,” says Alastair McAlastair of the CBC.
Many of Sean Keane’s friends and family are organizeda night of comedy and memories in October 2013 at the Comedyworks. On the card were Terence Bowman, Winston Spear, Mike Paterson, Peter Radomski, EJ Brule, and Kevin MacDonald.
Finally I would like to present a never before released interview that I helped record of Sean Keane.
After Sean’s funeral I went searching for a copy of the Laugh-Trax documentary we did. I reached out to various people that I thought might have a good quality copy but to no avail. The only copy I managed to track down was an old copy of a copy on a VHS videocassette. The audio was echoed in some sections of the tape, and there were significant glitches throughout the video that compromise it’s production value. Looking back on what we thought was a masterpiece when it was originally produced, the framing of the camera shots, the ever changing audio levels, and the lack of proper lighting from shooting scenes in a dark comedy club, it really does only look like a student video project.
However, Sean’s interview clips did have enough stable audio attached to them to transcribe most of what he said. This documentary was presented at the end of semester student viewing night at Concordia around April 1995 in front of less than 100 different people, and has only been witnessed by whoever had a copy of the video and their friends. This was way before youtube and social media. For all intent purposes, this interview with Sean Keane was never properly released.
I thought it would be a respectful gesture to share with you all, what Sean was so willing to share with us and our audience
Clips of audio of Sean Keane’s comedy:
Please keep in mind that these jokes were performed in the context of Keane's persona character who was for all intense purposes could come across as an arrogant vulgar jerk. Comedian Sean Keane was able to make the distastefully vulgar and rude character likable and laughably funny, the same way that actor Carroll O’ Connor was able to make the gruff, bigoted ignorant character Archie Bunker into a beloved figured and TV icon.
THAT was part of the genius of Sean Keane.
Clip: “There are no lesbians, just chicks that have yet to meet me.”
Clip: “I think my grandmother stuffs her bra. At least it feels that way (Ahem!)”
Clip: “Have you seen this ad? A little old lady comes on the TV screen and says, f*ck-f*ck-f*ck, suck my t*ts, suck my t*ts? no? maybe it’s just my imagination then.”
Clip: “I just got off the phone with my manager. He says I should use more profanity in my act. So, any of you people here from out of town, f*ck?”
Clip: “I met my wife in a single’s bar. (Grunt!) She was sitting across the room at the bar and I started to come on to her. Didn’t know I could squirt that far.”
Clip: “She asked me if I would still respect her in the morning. I said, no, but I will f*ck you again.”
The Lost Sean Keane Interview of 1995
Host: How would you describe your style of humor?
Sean: Like everybody else would describe my style: Bizarre. In a way, it’s like something else has entered by body. It’s a way for me to act out like another man.
Host: How do you deal with hecklers?
Sean: I kill them (said as his on stage persona character)
Host: Does the crowd reaction enhance your act?
Sean: Oh for sure. It gives me more (to work with). When they are really with it, I get the nerve to REALLY swagger and act even more like an ass and get more physical (to dance like I did with Alastair that night.)
Host: This is asked of all the comedians we have interviewed because it happens to everyone at some point or another that does stand up comedy. How did you react to the first time you bombed on stage?
Sean: Terrible. I gave it up for a little while. Didn’t pick myself up and dust myself off right away. I was so disturbed about it.
Host: Does vulgarity offer comedy an edge? Is it funnier to include vulgarity?
Sean: I don’t like vulgarity for the sake of having vulgarity. I like vulgarity if it’s obscene to the point of ridiculous. THAT is funny to me. Because then you are laughing at how ridiculous it is, and not the vulgarity itself.
Host: I asked everyone this question. What do you do if someone finds a joke you told offensive and comes to tell you so after your show? Do you explain it to them?
Sean: I don’t like to offend people. That is not my intention. But if someone is offended because someone took it the wrong way, then I do not care. I don’t explain it to them. One woman came up to me complaining about the joke I tell about the 5-year-old daughter
Clip: “I got my five year old daughter on the phone saying daddy-daddy, please come visit me, daddy-daddy I love you I miss you I want you to be here…oh f*ck off. I got my own life to live and my plans don’t include you baby. Besides I hate hospitals”
Sean: So, this woman comes up to me after one of my shows and tells me that she has a young daughter, and her husband just left her, and that I should drop that joke. But I told her, that she made the mistake of marrying the wrong guy and that’s not my fault. This is a joke I wrote on my kitchen table at three o’clock in the morning; it has nothing to do with her life.
Host: How do you feel when you hear a joke that resembles yours, to the point you think someone stole your joke?
Sean: I get very mad. I do not like being ripped off. I have never done it to anybody else. It might sound self-righteous but I don’t like being ripped off and I don’t steal from anybody.
Host: Have you ever told a joke that someone wrote for you?
Sean: No. However I did find out that there was one joke that I was telling, and it was my mother who pointed out the joke was something someone else had told. After doing this joke for 4 to 5 years, my mother told me she saw it on TV. The joke was “I went to an all you can eat buffet, and when I got up for seconds, the manager said sorry sir, that is all you can eat”. My mother had just seen a re-run of Dennis the Menace TV show from the 1950s, where Dennis had an all you can drink lemonade stand, and he poured Margaret a little glass of lemonade, and she wanted more, and he said, sorry Margaret that is all you can drink. It’s the same joke, so I stopped saying it.
Host: Would you still have stopped it even if it was a great joke to begin with and you innocently, without knowing, told essentially the same joke?
Sean: Yes, I would still stop it. Even though I probably shouldn’t stop really because I did not steal it, but there is a bit of a code (of ethics) I got.
Host: Do you have any superstitions about doing comedy?
Sean: I was walking at the airport, and I spotted a penny from far away on the floor, and I thought to myself that if that penny is the year that I was born, then that would be my lucky penny. I picked it up and it was the year I was born. It was my lucky penny ever since.
Host: What would you like to say to end this interview?
Sean: Ladies and Gentleman, comedy is my job and I quit! Thank you and good-night! Thank you!
-Frank Kermit
Sign Up For Coaching
- Published on
Tattoos and Relationships:
Beware The L-I-N-K of Love and INK
By Frank Kermit
While at a coffee shop a few weeks ago, I met a tattoo artist. He had his son's name tattooed on his hand, and being the ever-inquisitive one, I asked him about his profession and the topic of getting the name of someone tattooed on your body. He told me that historically, sailors who traveled from port to port had a history of tattooing the name of the girl they spent most of their time with. At each new port, the name of the previous girl was crossed out, and underneath it was the name of the new girl he met that became the love of his life. The sailors would only spend a limited amount of time at each port, and then head back out to sea. This was also a period of time when vagabond sailors did not have any guarantee that they would be returning to another port, and die at sea; so in essence, they had to make the most of the romance they had today, for tomorrow they may all die. With that in mind, those sailors had very little to lose to the L-I-N-K (love and ink).
People in modern times are a different story. The artist told me that he believes that tattooing the name of children on a parent is likely the more acceptable (if not the most acceptable) form of name tattooing because you will always be a parent, and a parent is suppose to always love their children. However he cautioned against tattooing the name of a partner (whether it be someone you are simply dating, or a spouse). In his business, he simply has seen too many good intentioned lovers end up regretting getting their partner's name tattooed on their bodies, and have to end up deciding if they wanted the tattoo removed, or covered up with another tattoo (such as a simple black bar or a more elaborate design). Body modification (piercing, plastic surgery, tattoos and such) does not carry with them the stigmas they used too. Younger people are more accepting of their peers who apply them, celebrities who earn their spotlight though their ability to continue to garner attention indirectly endorse it by having it done, older people who have mostly lived quiet, law-abiding lives sometimes want to experience the rebellious rejuvenation by having something done in the golden years of their lives. But regardless of all of that, getting the name of your partner tattooed, is still something that some tattoo artists simply refuse to do because of the high risk of regret that may follow such actions.
What is very strongly recommended is that a symbol be used, instead of a direct name. The symbol could be something that represents how the couple got together, or perhaps a common interest that the couple happens to share. For example, a character from the couple's favorite movie, or perhaps an image of a favorite flower if the couple had flowers play a role in their first date, or perhaps they have the same zodiac sign and that is the symbol they can use. It stands to reason that even if the couple breaks up after the tattoo is completed, that those tattoo images can still have meanings that do not just reflect the past relationship, but a still relevant element of the person that has been marked.
I have never had the experience of having a lover want to get my name tattooed on her body. In my younger years, during a very passionately intense time in my life when I lived a much more adventurous lifestyle, the closest I ever got to having a lover have my name tattooed on her body was when I would scribble my initials on my lovers skin using a felt tipped marker. Now before, anyone gets upset, everyone involved was a consenting adult, the marker ink washed off, and it was always areas of skin that were covered in clothing. Some of the women I did this with actually got a thrill, as if I had been some cave man brut who was marking his territory. In fact, one lover made it a point to go shower at the gym to "show off" to the other girls that she had been "marked by her man". There were others who agreed to it for fun, thou I caught them rolling their eyes at how giddy I had become in doing it (well, so much for my masterful masculine image huh?).
But that is exactly the point...it was not permanent, so it could be fun. I may never have a Frank fan that would L-I-N-K to me. This is probably a good thing, as I may just be a passing fad or phase to them. But Oh, so help me, I can not help but feel a little ego boost at the thought that someone would be enthused with me that much to consider doing it...maybe that is why, despite the obvious risks of tattooing a partner's name on your body, this practice is continues to be done by a handful of lovers and artists. It is not just about how the marked person feels about the named person being inscribed. It can also be about how it makes the named person feel. If you are going to tattoo the name of your lover, or want your lovers to tattoo your name on them, be sure you all know the risks. If you have any doubts regarding facing those risks at a later time, then do not do it.
Frank Kermit
Beware The L-I-N-K of Love and INK
By Frank Kermit
While at a coffee shop a few weeks ago, I met a tattoo artist. He had his son's name tattooed on his hand, and being the ever-inquisitive one, I asked him about his profession and the topic of getting the name of someone tattooed on your body. He told me that historically, sailors who traveled from port to port had a history of tattooing the name of the girl they spent most of their time with. At each new port, the name of the previous girl was crossed out, and underneath it was the name of the new girl he met that became the love of his life. The sailors would only spend a limited amount of time at each port, and then head back out to sea. This was also a period of time when vagabond sailors did not have any guarantee that they would be returning to another port, and die at sea; so in essence, they had to make the most of the romance they had today, for tomorrow they may all die. With that in mind, those sailors had very little to lose to the L-I-N-K (love and ink).
People in modern times are a different story. The artist told me that he believes that tattooing the name of children on a parent is likely the more acceptable (if not the most acceptable) form of name tattooing because you will always be a parent, and a parent is suppose to always love their children. However he cautioned against tattooing the name of a partner (whether it be someone you are simply dating, or a spouse). In his business, he simply has seen too many good intentioned lovers end up regretting getting their partner's name tattooed on their bodies, and have to end up deciding if they wanted the tattoo removed, or covered up with another tattoo (such as a simple black bar or a more elaborate design). Body modification (piercing, plastic surgery, tattoos and such) does not carry with them the stigmas they used too. Younger people are more accepting of their peers who apply them, celebrities who earn their spotlight though their ability to continue to garner attention indirectly endorse it by having it done, older people who have mostly lived quiet, law-abiding lives sometimes want to experience the rebellious rejuvenation by having something done in the golden years of their lives. But regardless of all of that, getting the name of your partner tattooed, is still something that some tattoo artists simply refuse to do because of the high risk of regret that may follow such actions.
What is very strongly recommended is that a symbol be used, instead of a direct name. The symbol could be something that represents how the couple got together, or perhaps a common interest that the couple happens to share. For example, a character from the couple's favorite movie, or perhaps an image of a favorite flower if the couple had flowers play a role in their first date, or perhaps they have the same zodiac sign and that is the symbol they can use. It stands to reason that even if the couple breaks up after the tattoo is completed, that those tattoo images can still have meanings that do not just reflect the past relationship, but a still relevant element of the person that has been marked.
I have never had the experience of having a lover want to get my name tattooed on her body. In my younger years, during a very passionately intense time in my life when I lived a much more adventurous lifestyle, the closest I ever got to having a lover have my name tattooed on her body was when I would scribble my initials on my lovers skin using a felt tipped marker. Now before, anyone gets upset, everyone involved was a consenting adult, the marker ink washed off, and it was always areas of skin that were covered in clothing. Some of the women I did this with actually got a thrill, as if I had been some cave man brut who was marking his territory. In fact, one lover made it a point to go shower at the gym to "show off" to the other girls that she had been "marked by her man". There were others who agreed to it for fun, thou I caught them rolling their eyes at how giddy I had become in doing it (well, so much for my masterful masculine image huh?).
But that is exactly the point...it was not permanent, so it could be fun. I may never have a Frank fan that would L-I-N-K to me. This is probably a good thing, as I may just be a passing fad or phase to them. But Oh, so help me, I can not help but feel a little ego boost at the thought that someone would be enthused with me that much to consider doing it...maybe that is why, despite the obvious risks of tattooing a partner's name on your body, this practice is continues to be done by a handful of lovers and artists. It is not just about how the marked person feels about the named person being inscribed. It can also be about how it makes the named person feel. If you are going to tattoo the name of your lover, or want your lovers to tattoo your name on them, be sure you all know the risks. If you have any doubts regarding facing those risks at a later time, then do not do it.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Get Out Of Your Own Way
By Frank Kermit
One of the biggest obstacles that a person can have as an obstruction on their path of finding happiness, peace and healing for their love live, is themselves. Although most people would welcome a change in their lives regarding the things they are less than content with, most people are not actually interested in the hard work that it may sometimes take to make such changes a permanent reality.
Changing the status of your love life is not a pleasant process, even if the resulting outcome is extremely desirable. The loving pot of gold at the end of your rainbow path of personal development is a goal that requires a person to literally burn parts of themselves away while walking that sunshine colored mountain.
To have something new in your life you have to eliminate certain parts of you that are currently taking up space in your reality. In every change, there is a progression of the self; in every change, there is a little death of the person that once was. Each time you make any step forward in life toward knowledge, and especially self-knowledge, a former part of yourself must die off in order for those new learning’s to take full effect.
The best a Frank-student-of-relationships can hope for is that the part dies off is the part that held on to the comfort of ignorance. If the only thing you lose on your journey of self-discovery is your ignorance, which is a great blessing. Sometimes people feel that they had to give up a sense of innocence in learning the realities surrounding relationships. Sometimes people feel like they had to give up on the hope of a fantasy. Sometimes it just comes down to having to grow up and be an adult about your attitudes and expectations.
The benefit of embracing maturity is that you have the best chance of building the kind of realistic relationships you desire. The price of maturity is the mourning process that takes place when the child you were has to let go of being in control.
“But I don’t want to change!” says the reluctant wanna-be lover. The expectation that the world will work the way they want it to work, and the refusal to accept the harsh realities of expectations unmet, is a sure fire formula to unhappiness. It is called the school of hard knocks, because many of those hard-hitting lessons knock you off your high horse, until you are ready to accept that just wanting something is not enough to get it. You earn what it is you want with hard work.
Your love life is a result of the behaviors you enact every single day. If you want something in your life to change, you must change your own behaviors as a catalyst. If you want a better relationship partner, you have to become a better potential partner yourself FIRST.
That is what you have control over, and that is where the source of your power to change your love life forever comes from. When I started my own personal development, I too took stock in my behaviors at the time to see where I was getting in my own way. I noted two very specific areas that needed to change.
The fact I had little disposable income to pay for more social activities, and the fact I had little disposable time. So I made some changes. One of the things that I changed is that I stopped my hobby of genealogy. Although researching a family tree is a wonderful pass time and I still think it is a valuable exercise, the time I was putting into it was time away from helping myself.
The irony is that I was spending so much time on the roots of my family tree, that I was not doing enough to focus on growing my own branches of it. I decided to put that time and money into a new hobby: dance lessons. In taking stock of the things I wanted to change, one of the listed items was to be able to dance at a wedding. I changed a behavior that was getting me nowhere, for a behavior that would potentially get me more social experience.
Two years later, I danced at a wedding and did such a wonderful performance, that I ended up having a slew of women ask me to dance for rest of the evening. As much as I did miss learning more about my roots, and as completely uncomfortable as I was going to the dance studio and tripping over my feet (mostly because as an overweight person I can not even see my feet), and as anxiety-ridden as my heart was having to actually meet new people and create small talk while attempting to look competent as I lead through a waltz…I have to say that in that moment of being approached by so many women to ask me to dance made me forget so much of the emotionally pain I went through to make that kind of change.
No one has time to help himself or herself fix their loves lives. You MAKE time by actively choosing your priorities, and accepting that the part of you that is holding back, is exactly the part of you that you need to release. Love that part of you because all it was trying to do is keep you safe, but let it go, because it’s job is done. It was only suppose to keep you safe long enough that you would be around to take a chance on love.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
One of the biggest obstacles that a person can have as an obstruction on their path of finding happiness, peace and healing for their love live, is themselves. Although most people would welcome a change in their lives regarding the things they are less than content with, most people are not actually interested in the hard work that it may sometimes take to make such changes a permanent reality.
Changing the status of your love life is not a pleasant process, even if the resulting outcome is extremely desirable. The loving pot of gold at the end of your rainbow path of personal development is a goal that requires a person to literally burn parts of themselves away while walking that sunshine colored mountain.
To have something new in your life you have to eliminate certain parts of you that are currently taking up space in your reality. In every change, there is a progression of the self; in every change, there is a little death of the person that once was. Each time you make any step forward in life toward knowledge, and especially self-knowledge, a former part of yourself must die off in order for those new learning’s to take full effect.
The best a Frank-student-of-relationships can hope for is that the part dies off is the part that held on to the comfort of ignorance. If the only thing you lose on your journey of self-discovery is your ignorance, which is a great blessing. Sometimes people feel that they had to give up a sense of innocence in learning the realities surrounding relationships. Sometimes people feel like they had to give up on the hope of a fantasy. Sometimes it just comes down to having to grow up and be an adult about your attitudes and expectations.
The benefit of embracing maturity is that you have the best chance of building the kind of realistic relationships you desire. The price of maturity is the mourning process that takes place when the child you were has to let go of being in control.
“But I don’t want to change!” says the reluctant wanna-be lover. The expectation that the world will work the way they want it to work, and the refusal to accept the harsh realities of expectations unmet, is a sure fire formula to unhappiness. It is called the school of hard knocks, because many of those hard-hitting lessons knock you off your high horse, until you are ready to accept that just wanting something is not enough to get it. You earn what it is you want with hard work.
Your love life is a result of the behaviors you enact every single day. If you want something in your life to change, you must change your own behaviors as a catalyst. If you want a better relationship partner, you have to become a better potential partner yourself FIRST.
That is what you have control over, and that is where the source of your power to change your love life forever comes from. When I started my own personal development, I too took stock in my behaviors at the time to see where I was getting in my own way. I noted two very specific areas that needed to change.
The fact I had little disposable income to pay for more social activities, and the fact I had little disposable time. So I made some changes. One of the things that I changed is that I stopped my hobby of genealogy. Although researching a family tree is a wonderful pass time and I still think it is a valuable exercise, the time I was putting into it was time away from helping myself.
The irony is that I was spending so much time on the roots of my family tree, that I was not doing enough to focus on growing my own branches of it. I decided to put that time and money into a new hobby: dance lessons. In taking stock of the things I wanted to change, one of the listed items was to be able to dance at a wedding. I changed a behavior that was getting me nowhere, for a behavior that would potentially get me more social experience.
Two years later, I danced at a wedding and did such a wonderful performance, that I ended up having a slew of women ask me to dance for rest of the evening. As much as I did miss learning more about my roots, and as completely uncomfortable as I was going to the dance studio and tripping over my feet (mostly because as an overweight person I can not even see my feet), and as anxiety-ridden as my heart was having to actually meet new people and create small talk while attempting to look competent as I lead through a waltz…I have to say that in that moment of being approached by so many women to ask me to dance made me forget so much of the emotionally pain I went through to make that kind of change.
No one has time to help himself or herself fix their loves lives. You MAKE time by actively choosing your priorities, and accepting that the part of you that is holding back, is exactly the part of you that you need to release. Love that part of you because all it was trying to do is keep you safe, but let it go, because it’s job is done. It was only suppose to keep you safe long enough that you would be around to take a chance on love.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
If you are seeking a serious long-term relationship, specifically, a relationship that would eventually lead to marriage and wearing beautiful wedding rings together, you will have to eventually make a choice one-day between your spouse and your friends.
At some point, you will be faced with a situation where your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse will be in conflict. It is at that point, if you have not already made your parameters clear, you will be forced to do so.
At some point, you will be faced with a situation where your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse will be in conflict. It is at that point, if you have not already made your parameters clear, you will be forced to do so.
Choosing Between Friends vs Lovers
For that reason, when I work with coaching clients who are single and looking for a life partner, I encourage them to start thinking about what those boundaries would be, and to start defining them now, while single, so that when they do enter into a serious relationship, they are ready to manage their new spouse and their existing friendships.
Not everyone has this dilemma. Some people are already well aware of their personal priorities and know exactly where they personally will draw the line. While others, may have never contemplated that there would ever be a conflict between the two sides. Yet there are a few others who simply do not want to even discuss potential conflict resolutions for a variety of reasons.
So here is an example:
You and your spouse have been working very hard on saving up for a down payment on a house. You both work long hours and have sacrificed much to get to the point where you have that 20% down payment ready in order to qualify for a mortgage. Next week, you will seek out a real estate agent and start house hunting. Then you get a call from one of your friends. Your friend is in trouble. It is something serious, and your friend has no one else to turn too. Your friend needs a large sum of money. Let’s assume that without that money, your friend is going to go through immanent hardship. You could be in a position to lend your friend your share of the money you have saved up for the house down payment. You talk to your spouse and your spouse refuses.
Do you choose your friend (who has helped you out more than anyone can know), or your spouse who you want to build a future life with that might leave you if you side with your friend?
I have left elements of the story very vague for the reader to fill in. Questions such as, is it a life and death situation? Are children with the spouse already involved in this decision? Are there no other options for the couple to get a mortgage at a cheaper down payment or other sources for the friend to reach out to for this money? Looking at this question as well as the value systems of each individual is part of the pre-marriage coaching program I take new couples through, to prepare them for the eventual choice they will have to make between their spouse and their friends.
Now, what if the situation wasn’t so serious or so dire? What if the issue is simply a matter of your spouse and friends not getting along? What if the issue might be that your friend never fully accepted your spouse into your life and takes passive aggressive measures to influence a rift between you both as a couple? What if your spouse is simply suspicious of your friend, even though your friend has not overtly done anything inappropriate to your knowledge? What if it is simply a matter that your spouse and your friend are not willing to tolerate each other? Where would you draw the line then?
What comes up in a pre-marriage coaching session often surprises the individuals of the couple as they express to each other their thoughts, feelings, and expectations on this subject.
What I will say to conclude this article is that if and when you choose someone to commit to as a spouse, that commitment comes with certain obligations and expectations. Be clear as to what you are expecting, and communicate that with your partner, as well as, make sure your partner communicates the same with you.
If you plan to dedicate your life and everything you own and every resource you will ever earn to another human being, it is important to know what conditions come along with that commitment, what strings attached may be in place (if any) and where each of you draws the lines between your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse.
I promise you, that if you do not talk about it before you get committed, you will surely talk about it, after you commit and a situation forces the conversation. The choice is going to be calling on you to make it. Do what you can now to be ready.
A broken engagement is far better than a happy divorce.
Frank Kermit
Not everyone has this dilemma. Some people are already well aware of their personal priorities and know exactly where they personally will draw the line. While others, may have never contemplated that there would ever be a conflict between the two sides. Yet there are a few others who simply do not want to even discuss potential conflict resolutions for a variety of reasons.
So here is an example:
You and your spouse have been working very hard on saving up for a down payment on a house. You both work long hours and have sacrificed much to get to the point where you have that 20% down payment ready in order to qualify for a mortgage. Next week, you will seek out a real estate agent and start house hunting. Then you get a call from one of your friends. Your friend is in trouble. It is something serious, and your friend has no one else to turn too. Your friend needs a large sum of money. Let’s assume that without that money, your friend is going to go through immanent hardship. You could be in a position to lend your friend your share of the money you have saved up for the house down payment. You talk to your spouse and your spouse refuses.
Do you choose your friend (who has helped you out more than anyone can know), or your spouse who you want to build a future life with that might leave you if you side with your friend?
I have left elements of the story very vague for the reader to fill in. Questions such as, is it a life and death situation? Are children with the spouse already involved in this decision? Are there no other options for the couple to get a mortgage at a cheaper down payment or other sources for the friend to reach out to for this money? Looking at this question as well as the value systems of each individual is part of the pre-marriage coaching program I take new couples through, to prepare them for the eventual choice they will have to make between their spouse and their friends.
Now, what if the situation wasn’t so serious or so dire? What if the issue is simply a matter of your spouse and friends not getting along? What if the issue might be that your friend never fully accepted your spouse into your life and takes passive aggressive measures to influence a rift between you both as a couple? What if your spouse is simply suspicious of your friend, even though your friend has not overtly done anything inappropriate to your knowledge? What if it is simply a matter that your spouse and your friend are not willing to tolerate each other? Where would you draw the line then?
What comes up in a pre-marriage coaching session often surprises the individuals of the couple as they express to each other their thoughts, feelings, and expectations on this subject.
What I will say to conclude this article is that if and when you choose someone to commit to as a spouse, that commitment comes with certain obligations and expectations. Be clear as to what you are expecting, and communicate that with your partner, as well as, make sure your partner communicates the same with you.
If you plan to dedicate your life and everything you own and every resource you will ever earn to another human being, it is important to know what conditions come along with that commitment, what strings attached may be in place (if any) and where each of you draws the lines between your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse.
I promise you, that if you do not talk about it before you get committed, you will surely talk about it, after you commit and a situation forces the conversation. The choice is going to be calling on you to make it. Do what you can now to be ready.
A broken engagement is far better than a happy divorce.
Frank Kermit
If you have a question about if you should listen to your lover or if you should listen to your friends, and you need an outside opinion,
CONTACT FRANK
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Your Partner vs. Your Friends
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- Published on
Relationship Ultimatums
Ultimatums In Love
By Frank Kermit
Ultimatums can come up in any and all relationships. Even the best relationships can face a crisis point where an ultimatum is necessary and uttered.
Ultimatums are not pleasant, neither for the person issuing it, nor for the person on the receiving end of it.
However, if a relationship can get past the ultimatum, and resolve the crisis point, it can be one of the hurdles that will help the relationship survive into the future.
An ultimatum is NOT a sign that you are with the wrong partner.
If you find yourself in a position where you feel the need to issue an ultimatum to your partner, it tends to be a sign that you have not communicated your needs and boundaries directly enough.
This is especially the case when the resentment or the desire to make the ultimatum has been brewing for quite some time.
I often find in my practice that those people who fall into the category of "people pleasers" tend to shy away from conflict and then, after the frustration builds up, will explode with anger and ultimatums, in part because, the build up became so overwhelming it was too painful not to deal with their fear of conflict.
If these individuals would have communicated with their partners as the issues came up, instead of shying away from discussing topics that may be momentarily unpleasant, the entire blow up process may have never come to pass.
Some of the more common ultimatums that I see in my practice are with couples that are either struggling to move to the next level of commitment (becoming exclusive, start living together, getting engaged, setting the wedding date, having children) or those couples that are facing some kind of perceived threat (staying in touch with an ex who will not give up trying to rekindle).
However, an ultimatum can be about anything that one partner seriously requires a change with that without complying with said ultimatum, might bring about the desire to end the relationship.
Some couples want a partner to take better care of health issues (like quitting drugs) and others demand a change in lifestyle, and even a move to a completely different home.
The ultimatum itself is actually less important than the way it is communicated.
If you are going to issue an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, be direct, be clear and firm about what you need changed and why it is very important to you.
No screaming, no name calling, no personal attacks.
Start off by telling your partner that you want to set aside some time to talk about something important to you and to schedule it when you feel your partner would be most receptive (such as a Saturday night after a day of rest, instead of a Monday morning just before a big presentation at work).
If you are on the receiving end of an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, listen, ask questions to be sure you are clear about what your partner needs and why it is important, listen some more, and leave your ego at the door as much as you can.
Even if your partner is not saying it in a way that you are happy about, try to put your compassion for your partner ahead of your offended ego.
When your partner is communicating an ultimatum to you, your partner is in fact acting like your best friend.
Your partner is giving you a full chance to take control of a situation by bringing his or her discontentment to your attention.
This is actually much better than a partner deciding not to confront you, and potentially doing something behind your back out of emotional vengeance, or simply surprising you with a break up, without ever giving your relationship a chance.
That is why you have to be grateful for the ultimatum, even if you despise what you may be hearing.
Now, what if you and your partner have reached an impasse?
What if the ultimatum is about something that you either are not sure is a good idea to agree too, or if it is something that is completely against your value system.
For example, your partner cannot abide any longer having your aging and ill health parent live in the same house as your family, but you do not want to relocate your parent to a special care senior’s residence.
What do you do then, when your values have reached a crisis point of incompatibility?
In situations like this, it is often a good idea to seek out the help of a professional who can offer an objective point of view and can assess if anyone is being unreasonable.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Ultimatums can come up in any and all relationships. Even the best relationships can face a crisis point where an ultimatum is necessary and uttered.
Ultimatums are not pleasant, neither for the person issuing it, nor for the person on the receiving end of it.
However, if a relationship can get past the ultimatum, and resolve the crisis point, it can be one of the hurdles that will help the relationship survive into the future.
An ultimatum is NOT a sign that you are with the wrong partner.
If you find yourself in a position where you feel the need to issue an ultimatum to your partner, it tends to be a sign that you have not communicated your needs and boundaries directly enough.
This is especially the case when the resentment or the desire to make the ultimatum has been brewing for quite some time.
I often find in my practice that those people who fall into the category of "people pleasers" tend to shy away from conflict and then, after the frustration builds up, will explode with anger and ultimatums, in part because, the build up became so overwhelming it was too painful not to deal with their fear of conflict.
If these individuals would have communicated with their partners as the issues came up, instead of shying away from discussing topics that may be momentarily unpleasant, the entire blow up process may have never come to pass.
Some of the more common ultimatums that I see in my practice are with couples that are either struggling to move to the next level of commitment (becoming exclusive, start living together, getting engaged, setting the wedding date, having children) or those couples that are facing some kind of perceived threat (staying in touch with an ex who will not give up trying to rekindle).
However, an ultimatum can be about anything that one partner seriously requires a change with that without complying with said ultimatum, might bring about the desire to end the relationship.
Some couples want a partner to take better care of health issues (like quitting drugs) and others demand a change in lifestyle, and even a move to a completely different home.
The ultimatum itself is actually less important than the way it is communicated.
If you are going to issue an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, be direct, be clear and firm about what you need changed and why it is very important to you.
No screaming, no name calling, no personal attacks.
Start off by telling your partner that you want to set aside some time to talk about something important to you and to schedule it when you feel your partner would be most receptive (such as a Saturday night after a day of rest, instead of a Monday morning just before a big presentation at work).
If you are on the receiving end of an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, listen, ask questions to be sure you are clear about what your partner needs and why it is important, listen some more, and leave your ego at the door as much as you can.
Even if your partner is not saying it in a way that you are happy about, try to put your compassion for your partner ahead of your offended ego.
When your partner is communicating an ultimatum to you, your partner is in fact acting like your best friend.
Your partner is giving you a full chance to take control of a situation by bringing his or her discontentment to your attention.
This is actually much better than a partner deciding not to confront you, and potentially doing something behind your back out of emotional vengeance, or simply surprising you with a break up, without ever giving your relationship a chance.
That is why you have to be grateful for the ultimatum, even if you despise what you may be hearing.
Now, what if you and your partner have reached an impasse?
What if the ultimatum is about something that you either are not sure is a good idea to agree too, or if it is something that is completely against your value system.
For example, your partner cannot abide any longer having your aging and ill health parent live in the same house as your family, but you do not want to relocate your parent to a special care senior’s residence.
What do you do then, when your values have reached a crisis point of incompatibility?
In situations like this, it is often a good idea to seek out the help of a professional who can offer an objective point of view and can assess if anyone is being unreasonable.
Frank Kermit
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ultimatum resolution
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- Published on
Waiting For Your Partner To Change
Waiting For Your Partner To Change
By Frank Kermit
Can people change? Yes, people can change.
If you are in a relationship with someone, and wondering if the person you are with can change, the answer is yes, most anyone can change, if the person can make the commitment to change, the capacity to see it through, and the relative motivation to stick to it through the change process (which can be very challenging at times).
The question is not if the person you are with (or interested in being with) can change. The question you need to be asking is whether or not you wait for that person to change.
The focus is always best directed on the things you can control such as your decision to stay or go, and not on the things you cannot control such as whether or not your partner actually makes a change.
In my practice, I often find myself helping individuals shift their focus from trying to get a partner to change, to focusing instead on why the individual would seek out a partner that needs to perform some kind of change in order to make the relationship work.
It can be an eye opening experience, and a hard shot to the ego, for individuals to realize they may be self sabotaging their chances at being in an emotionally healthy happily satisfying relationship with someone new, by always choosing to date people that must change in order for any relationship to function.
When seeking a long-term partner, a key ingredient to relationship success is to find someone that you can take as is. If the person you are attracted too must change something in order to continue to be in a long-term relationship with you, it is best not to attempt to get serious with that person to begin with.
You do not get serious with someone because of who that person may become in a few years time. You get serious with someone because of who he or she is RIGHT NOW. And if the person he or she is RIGHT NOW is not good enough for you, do not commit.
Time is a resource that is irreplaceable and unreplenishable. When you hang around someone that is not ready or willing to change in order for your relationship to get serious or move to the next level, you are wasting your time.
The time you lose lingering is time you will never get back. More importantly, it is time that you could have used to find someone that is ALREADY the person that you can have a serious relationship with RIGHT NOW.
If you are dating someone that needs to change in order for the two of you to be more serious together, and your partner is dragging his or her heels about it, do not put your life on hold waiting for your partner to change.
It is OK to have hope that your partner will change, but do not cut yourself off from meeting and dating new people, while you hope that the person you currently favor will change to meet your needs. Use the time your partner needs to change to explore all of your other relationship options.
There are certain situations where waiting for a certain change in your partner to take your relationship to the next level makes sense. For example, waiting for both you and your partner to finish an education and get a career started before starting a family, is the kind of waiting for a partner to change that makes some sense, because there is already a willingness and existing commitment in place.
However, there are certain decisions are too important to wait on such as moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, having children, and other values individuals may consider very important such as moving to a new city, changing religion, getting sober, or legally ending a pervious relationship status.
When everything else has been discussed, and you have acted reasonable with realistic expectations, and it is just a matter of taking that next step, and your partner is either not able, nor willing, then you may need to take some time for yourself to evaluate if your partner is worth the wait.
Frank Kermit
