- Published on
The Problem is YOU
The Common Element in
All Your Dating Dilemmas
By Frank Kermit
You. Yes, you. The common element in all of your dating dilemmas is and will always be you.
In my practice, I often get asked questions pertaining to why there are no good women, or no good men out in the world.
Specifically, I am asked why every woman out there is malicious, and asked why every man out there is a jerk?
The answer is, not every woman out there is malicious and not every man out there is a jerk.
However, if every single person YOU have dated all seem to have the exact same problematic characteristics, then perhaps it is time to ask, if you might be part of the problem.
It is always possible that even the most level headed of us occasionally makes a bad choice, or is mistaken once in a while in terms of our ability to judge a character.
There are manipulators in the world who are masterfully skilled in lying and deception that even some of the most astute individuals may fall victim to.
There is no shame in being fooled once. That is part of the learning process of life experience. However, if you fall prey to these kinds of romantic hooligans on multiple paths to romance havens, it is time to check your love-compass for a tune up.
The common element is not that every guy or gal you dated cheated on you, lied to you, swindled you out of money, hurt you, broke promises to you, wrecked your car, got you arrested, hit you, hid a major secret from you, played mind games on you or anything else you want to add to the list of charges.
The common element is that you keep choosing to date people that exhibit these characteristics and refuse to learn to pay attention to red flags.
You may not always be able to choose the people you are attracted to, but you are always in control of your choices in terms of whom you date. However, there is something you can do about it right now to keep you from repeating this behavior pattern.
Identify some personal boundaries about what you deem unacceptable behavior towards you, communicate those boundaries early on in the dating process when you meet someone new, and if that person crosses your boundaries in small ways at the beginning, you walk away before you give that person a chance to majorly violate those boundaries later on.
The ability to follow your own personal rules for the standards regarding how you require to be treated by others, is one of the best, and sometimes the only sure fire way to assert your boundaries, and pull yourself out of a questionable or bad situation. This cannot be based on how you feel in the moment.
In the moment, if you are used to being mistreated when dating, it may actually feel inappropriate, or even wrong, to end dating someone that you may already be attached too.
That is why clear boundaries are so important. They are the guidelines you must follow, even when your heart is clouding your head with emotional screams of excuses, hopes and justifications.
Thus, even when your heart can be misguided, and your mind may be confused; your boundaries will always guide you to your best option for long-term happiness. It’s all in you.
Frank Kermit
All Your Dating Dilemmas
By Frank Kermit
You. Yes, you. The common element in all of your dating dilemmas is and will always be you.
In my practice, I often get asked questions pertaining to why there are no good women, or no good men out in the world.
Specifically, I am asked why every woman out there is malicious, and asked why every man out there is a jerk?
The answer is, not every woman out there is malicious and not every man out there is a jerk.
However, if every single person YOU have dated all seem to have the exact same problematic characteristics, then perhaps it is time to ask, if you might be part of the problem.
It is always possible that even the most level headed of us occasionally makes a bad choice, or is mistaken once in a while in terms of our ability to judge a character.
There are manipulators in the world who are masterfully skilled in lying and deception that even some of the most astute individuals may fall victim to.
There is no shame in being fooled once. That is part of the learning process of life experience. However, if you fall prey to these kinds of romantic hooligans on multiple paths to romance havens, it is time to check your love-compass for a tune up.
The common element is not that every guy or gal you dated cheated on you, lied to you, swindled you out of money, hurt you, broke promises to you, wrecked your car, got you arrested, hit you, hid a major secret from you, played mind games on you or anything else you want to add to the list of charges.
The common element is that you keep choosing to date people that exhibit these characteristics and refuse to learn to pay attention to red flags.
You may not always be able to choose the people you are attracted to, but you are always in control of your choices in terms of whom you date. However, there is something you can do about it right now to keep you from repeating this behavior pattern.
Identify some personal boundaries about what you deem unacceptable behavior towards you, communicate those boundaries early on in the dating process when you meet someone new, and if that person crosses your boundaries in small ways at the beginning, you walk away before you give that person a chance to majorly violate those boundaries later on.
The ability to follow your own personal rules for the standards regarding how you require to be treated by others, is one of the best, and sometimes the only sure fire way to assert your boundaries, and pull yourself out of a questionable or bad situation. This cannot be based on how you feel in the moment.
In the moment, if you are used to being mistreated when dating, it may actually feel inappropriate, or even wrong, to end dating someone that you may already be attached too.
That is why clear boundaries are so important. They are the guidelines you must follow, even when your heart is clouding your head with emotional screams of excuses, hopes and justifications.
Thus, even when your heart can be misguided, and your mind may be confused; your boundaries will always guide you to your best option for long-term happiness. It’s all in you.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Dating the Ex of Your Friend
Dating Your Friend's EX
By Frank Kermit
A question that comes up, more often than not from younger adults, than from older clients is: What are the rules about dating the ex of your friend?
Younger people have more to consider when dating the ex of a friend. It is not just the loss of the friendship that is at risk, but it could cost him or her an entire social circle, and a reputation that could make their world much more challenging.
Older people tend to be more independent, better able to stand up for themselves, and life experience has taught them that even the best of friendships may not last forever, and a successful loving relationship can actually be worth the risk of losing a friendship.
With all that said, here are some tips about dating the ex of a friend.
First, be mindful if your friend has any expectation of being asked permission. Some people really expect to be asked for permission before a friend dates his or her ex.
That expectation also comes with the notion that if your friend says no, you will hold off dating the ex, no matter how you feel about that person.
In my teachings, I let people know that no one, including your friends, need to approve of who you date, including if it is an ex of theirs.
This is unrealistic, as by the time a new couple realizes there is something they want to explore, the time for permissions has likely already passed.
However unrealistic, it can be quite popular with certain individuals.
Second, some friends do not have the expectation that permission will be sought (that is good and realistic), but they may still have the inclination to expect that the new couple will reach out and tell the friend directly about the new relationship.
Once again, this is not realistic as the relationship could have started spontaneously, or even started in secret to keep things less complicated in case things did not work out right at the beginning.
Part of the problem is that friends tend to share way too many details about their love life with one another, that when something is not shared for any reason, it can be interpreted as a sign of disrespect.
This is why the best course of action is to never get into the habit of sharing too many details about your love life with your friends.
There are some things your friends do not need to ever know, and in truth, you are under no obligation to share such information.
With that all said, if you are going to date the ex of a friend, and your friendship with that person is very meaningful to you, and is a friendship that you wish to make efforts to maintain, there is nothing wrong with reaching out to your friend, and letting your friend know that you and the ex have begun dating.
Do you have to do it? No.
Will this type of behavior automatically save or maintain your friendship? There is no guarantee.
Could your new partner (the ex), be miffed at you talking to your friend in this way? Possibly.
However, life is about making choices, and it is up to you to decide how you will choose to deal with this dating dilemma.
If you are stuck, trying to figure out if you should withdraw from dating the ex of your friend, if you should do it in secret, if you should reach out and ask permission or just let your friend know directly what is going on, or if you should just date who you want to date, and accept the consequences no matter what happens, then consider this:
If the situation were reversed, what are your expectations if a friend of yours ended up dating an ex of yours?
At the very least, it is a starting point.
- Published on
Prior Commitment vs Commitment to Children
Prior Commitments vs.
Commitment To Children
By Frank Kermit
Having children is likely one of the biggest life changing events human beings can experience.
It is more than just adopting a new title of parent. It is a change in a mindset. A new filter has been added which every decision you will ever make from this point forward will be challenged with.
The filter is to ask the question:
Is this in the best interest of my kid/s?
In some cases the answer is very straightforward.
In other cases, the answer may be dependent on things such as the likelihood that whatever being discussed works out, and the risks involved if it does not.
Child-free folks only risk their own well being, and if something goes wrong, tend to be ready to accept those risks and work to bounce back. Security can become very important to new parents who previously may have been a little reckless in the past, because it is one thing to takes risks where a person suffers the consequences as adults, and they are the only ones to suffer.
It is quite another situation when the people to suffer the consequences of your bad decisions are young children that are completely dependent on you for mere survival.
Is it better to work more hours and spend less time at home, but to have financial resources available to the family? It depends on the context of if it would be in the best interest of your kids.
Is it better to live in a small apartment in the city with direct access to amenities, schools, hospitals or aim to live in a larger home in the country with an acre of yard space, but commute longer for school and work? Again, it all depends on the context of if it would be in the best interest of your kids.
As parents, sometimes the most we can do is to do our best to give our kids what we believe would give them a strong start in life, and if it does not work out, deal with it as the situation merits.
Did you make a commitment to a pet before you had a child? Well you may have to reconsider keeping it if the pet is a danger to the health of your child.
It could be that your child ends up being allergic to your pet. In some cases the pet is not accepting of the new child, and there are cases of pets attacking new children.
Did you make career promises to your employer to take on a project or new branch of the business before you had a child? You may find that you are unable to stay on with that commitment because your priorities have changed due to having children.
In my professional life as well as in my personal social circles, I even see men who did not even know they were fathers suddenly find out they have children somewhere in the world that were kept hidden from them. After a DNA test confirms they do in fact have children in the world, life changes.
Any plans they made previously had to be reviewed and likely altered to accommodate these children who, without warning, became a top priority.
So any plans to travel, retraining for new career, invest or even current relationship partners and family planning goals can all become secondary, delayed or even shelved permanently.
Bottom line is that the kids come first.
For some people, there can be a lot of internal conflict about what is the right thing to do because on the one hand, they want to be individuals of their word and stick with the previously made commitments.
On the other hand, they have an obligation to their children (even during pregnancy), which seems to be at odds with their self-identity of a person that maintains commitment.
For the record, when such an ordeal enters my office, the stand I take in my practice is always that the kids come first. It can at times be considered an unpopular or old fashion ideal to some, but that does not deter me.
I would rather encourage parents to put the best interests of their children first than to encourage parents to focus on themselves. I do not want children to run the risk of being neglected, targets for abusers and ultimately therapy patients in the future.
There is a cost to making your kids your main focus while those kids are growing up.
However, I ask that you trust me when I tell you; there is an even higher cost for you in the future (once those kids are grown with kids of their own) if you do not.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Mementos of the Ex: Stay or Go?
The Ex Mementos:
Should They Stay or Should They Go?
By Frank Kermit
I was listening to a radio show where the hosts were discussing a subject that I often see in my practice when counseling couples.
The situation was that the host, who was newly married, had discovered that his wife was in the possession of a ring that had been given to her by an ex of hers.
Some of the questions that came up in the discussion included if he should be worried about it, was it a sign she was not over her ex, should she have gotten rid of the ring when she got married, why he was not told about it, and if he should request that she get rid of it.
Just to be clear, the ring was a gift when she and her ex were dating, but the ring itself was not an engagement ring of any sort.
Keeping past gifts from ex partners can be a very touchy subject for some people.
Some people do not care either way, as they do not read into those keepsake items as souvenirs or reminders of the past.
While others may feel threatened about their partners having relics honoring a past love.
What ends up being a bigger matter than most partners assume, is the issue of a partner feeling like something was hidden from him or her.
When a partner finds out that that items in question may be a memorial to the past, the fact that the partner was not informed about the origins of the token of affection, can lead some partners to feeling suspicious about what other "secrets" are being kept hidden.
In most related cases that I see in my practice, there is rarely anything that is maliciously hidden.
It tends to have more to do with the fact that the topic of ex mementos just never came up.
Resolving this particular issue can sometimes simply come down to whether or not the couple can enjoy the memento together.
The line being drawn is whether or not they both get to enjoy the benefits of the memento.
If they can, it seems most new partners do not seem to mind as much.
For example, if the memento in question is a DVD of a movie, some new partners may not have a problem with it, even if it was a gift received in a previous relationship from an ex, as the new couple can enjoy the movie together.
However, I also see in my practice that certain details associated with such gifts might make even the most open minded new partner and the most seemingly unsuspecting knickknack a relic that has got to go.
For example, if that same particular DVD movie mentioned above was a particular favorite to play loudly to cover up the noises of intimacy in a previous less-than-soundproof-apartment, it could leave some friction with a new partner.
It is those additional details that make ex mementos such a necessary topic of discussion, especially for new couples.
There are different kinds of mementos that factor in greatly to whether or not it might be too much for a new partner to accept.
For example, safety alarm key chains, and photos taken at family social circle gatherings are on a far different level than personal massage units and amateur homemade sex tapes.
Some of the worst examples I see in my practice is that the mementos in question, are not necessarily from a past ex, but instead from an ex affair that took place at the time the current relationship existed.
Although the nature of the actual gizmo may be different, the bottom-line constant consideration is always the same: your memento or your relationship?
The debate is one where the couple is trying to strike a balance between trusting one another (that there are no emotional strings attached to a past partner), and respecting a boundary for each individual in the couple (not to be forced to give up property).
The item may very well be a meaningless trophy of a love past, but if a new partner feels very violated by the retaining of the memento, a person may end up with a very uncomfortable decision.
If something is truly meaningless, then it should be no problem to get rid of it.
However, forcing a partner to get rid of it could create resentment between the couple (which is sad, given that if you are in a serious relationship, holding on to a meaningless mementos based on principle should not take priority over the violated feelings of your partner).
In today's age of dating, the realistic perspective is that the person you date today, whether casually, or even seriously, are likely not going to be the person you end up with as a life partner.
Given the stats on successful marriages can be about 50% it is more important than ever that we all pick and choose our battles accordingly.
Deciding to keep or discard mementos is not as clear-cut as some would hope, given that the new partners you discard them for, may themselves get discarded sooner than later as well.
What I do suggest is that people make an effort to align themselves in romantic relationships with others who have compatible beliefs about how mementos from exs need to be managed.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Breaks Ups and the Children of Your Ex
Breakups and the Children of your Ex
By Frank Kermit
Breakups can be messy, especially when there are children involved. If the break up involves the court system, they get worse.
The rules can be pretty clear when the children belong to both parents in the couple breaking up.
However, when the children involved only belong to one of the individuals of the relationship that is ending, it can be really heart-wrenching for some adults to find out they may not have any say in continuing a relationship with the children of a former partner.
In cases where a single parent has started seriously dating another adult, the lines about what role that new adult can play in a child’s life can be very blurry, especially in cases where the relationship, although serious and long term, may never have involved marriage, and/or the adoption of the child by the new adult partner, or even the couple living together.
However influential and a positive impact an adult in a relationship with a single parent may have had with the single parent’s child, it may not merit an ongoing association with that child when the romantic relationship ends.
In the case where children are minors, the child’s parent (who is a newly-single parent again) may be well within their rights to forbid any sort of interaction between his or her child and the former partner.
This can be a horrible situation for the former partner who may have bonded with the child, and for the child that could have an attachment to the former partner.
It is important that the best interest of the children involved are kept in the forefront of any decision about how the couple will handle the end of their relationship and to factor in those best interests, even if you no longer like your former partner.
With that said, it is also important to assess how worthwhile it will be for the children to continue to associate with a former partner that is no longer involved with the children’s parent, and the context of the break up.
For example, if continuing to associate with the children would interfere with the single parent’s new relationship opportunity for a more serious partner that wants to step up to being a legal step parent, it may be wise to terminate the association.
As most relationships between adults tend to not last a significant duration (relative to how a child experiences the time) it is often a good idea not to introduce new partners to your children until a definite commitment and plan has been made to take your serious long term relationship to the next level to the point where the new partner would take on a family role as a legal step parent.
If you are a couple in the process of breaking up and there are children involved in your relationship that have bonded to the former partner, make sure that you and your former partner plan a proper exit strategy that takes into consideration how the former partner will or will not be involved in the lives of the children of the single parent because that extra dose of maturity is what is in the best interest of your children, your step children, and the children of your partner.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
When your ex starts to date again
When Your Ex Starts Dating Again
By Frank Kermit
Break ups can be hard. Even the most amicable ending to a relationship, can still be an unpleasant experience.
At that point, the issue is not trying to avoid the negative feelings, as much as, trying to manage those feelings, until such a time as you can reach a point of peace, perhaps even forgiveness of yourself and your ex partner, where you can accept the existence of your ex without cringing.
With all that said, I do find a particular aspect comes up in my practice that is a sore spot for some people after a break up and that is the moment when your ex starts dating again.
When you break up with someone, you are, knowingly or not, declaring that the now ex-partner is free to date anyone and everyone other than you.
After all, if you are ending the relationship, you are setting yourself, and the other person, free to find better-suited partners.
On some level most people understand this consciously. However, the reality of the emotional impact of a break up may only fully set in, when you discover your ex is dating someone new.
That impact can be even more devastating, when it is revealed that your ex, is actually now dating someone you know. Incidentally it happens a lot more that people anticipate.
After all, after a break up and available to date someone new, most people find it easier to explore all the contacts they already have (including your mutual social circles) than to deal with the headaches associated with putting oneself out there to meet a totally new group of individuals to get to know and date.
Yes, your friends, your friend's friends, your neighbors, and sometimes even your work relations or even family members tend to be your ex's new immediate lovers (at least from a statistically point of view).
At times, people break up with their partners with the mindset of "I-am-breaking-up-with-you-to-teach-you-a-lesson-but-will-get-back-together-after-I-scare-you-with-it".
This little game destroys more than it ever creates through a number of factors including the fact that it creates the opportunity for someone else to make a move on your partner that has just been waiting for the right moment.
All head games cause cracks in the original foundation of your relationship; cracks that will bring about the actual real break up.
Never play head games.
One of the most important principles in the ethics of dating is that no person should interfere in any meaningful way the opportunity for any one person to find, meet and date a potential soul mate.
If you made the decision to end a relationship and your ex hooks a new partner who comes in the form of someone you know, be mindful that instead of feeling betrayed, practice being happy for them.
Your ex and that other person you know are not cheating on you.
There is no cheating because you ended the relationship.
There is no infidelity and no wrong doing here.
You do not own your ex, and you do not own the person you know.
If they start dating after you officially ended things, it means they are following up on the same personal right that you have; the right to find someone new to date when they are both emotionally available.
If you turn your partner into your ex, and that ex starts dating someone you know, it does not mean your ex never loved you.
It does not mean your friend wasn't your friend.
It does not mean you are easy to get over. It does not mean you are a loser.
It does not mean you were set up. It does not mean anyone lied to you.
It does not mean you were betrayed.
It does not mean you weren't loved.
All it means is that someone that you rejected has done the right thing: moved on to explore an interest in someone else that wants to be with him or her.
Should an ex inform you of who they are dating next, if that person happens to be someone you know? Should that friend tell you?
The answer is no one is obligated to tell you anything about his or her private love life. Not your ex, and not anyone dating your ex.
Breaking up with someone is equal to telling your ex that his or her love life, is no longer any of your business.
Think about that next time you want to break up with someone, and be sure that you are certain that you are ready for the consequences of a break up.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Finding Your Life Calling
In Our Moments of Crisis,
Is Our Life Calling
By Frank Kermit
Part of my work in helping people find and attract their soul mate match includes helping people find their life calling. Once a person knows what their calling in life is, it dictates their lifestyles, reflects their personal core values, and makes it much easier to figure out the kind of person they should seek out for a serious relationship.
Finding their calling is about giving meaning to why they are alive. It is about discovering a purpose, and a means of contributing to the world. When a human being has found a purpose in life, there is a certain fulfillment that completes them; in ways they may not have known they were missing beforehand.
Although finding their calling is not always necessary to structure a life plan (which is about planning your life from this moment, all the way to the moment of your death and telling your loved ones how you want your remains to be dealt with), it does make structuring a life plan much easier.
Having that life plan in place helps individuals focus on the kinds of people they should be dating, and even helps you locate where you would most likely meet those potential life partners.
For example, if you know that your life plan involves living in another country 6 months out of the year, then when seeking a life partner to support that lifestyle and travel with you, you must find someone that likes to travel, has no commitments that ties them down, and has the same value system you do.
Finding your life calling, and creating a life plan detailing your day-to-day can be a daunting task. The first place that most people explore when seeking a life calling is to figure out what it is they like. That is one of the ways that a person can choose a job or career they may find fulfilling, but not always.
In my practice, as well as through my personal experience, I have found that in our moments of personal crisis, we can find our deeper life calling. What we learn about ourselves, during our most traumatic moments, can also be the life lessons needed to direct us on the path of hearing the call of our life’s mission.
Many philanthropists, great leaders, entrepreneur’s come from stories of pain that drive them to finding ways to change the world. At times, it could be something like an incident as a child of seeing other children at risk that pushes a person to become a police officer, family law advocate, or even a social worker.
A person whose family once went hungry or ended up evicted may devote their life to teaching people how to live off the grid or enroll in the doomsday prep movement.
Many years ago, I was stood up at my prom, lost my ex-fiancé to one of my then best friends, and later ended up near suicidal shortly after a further series of heartbreaks.
In my attempts to heal my own wounds and learn some very tough life lessons about love, these traumatic events in my life, were in fact the building blocks for my practice as a dating and relationship coach.
If you are struggling to figure out your life path, and want to do so in order to help you find your soul mate, look at the crisis in your life, and start asking yourself if you really have learned every lesson you needed to learn, in order to be able to contribute to the world. Once you have that answer, you are one step closer to finding your life mission AND your life partner.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Make Relationships Less Violent
Making Relationships Less Violent
is Making the World Less Violent
By Frank Kermit
Are we a more violent society? With the headlines as of late, it could easily feel that way. Everything from gay-porn serial killers, to midnight movie jokers with guns, to Toronto house party gang wars, to football administrations turning a blind eye about the sexual abuse of players, to hate crime murders based on sexual orientation, to families who murder their own children under honor killings, to teenage bullies tormenting elderly bus monitors and the list goes on. One would wonder if we really are a society getting more violent and desensitized to violence.
Then, a sober moment to reflect on history depicts another story. Violence is not a new phenomenon. Violence has been one of our companions in time. Romans fed Christians to the lions, women were tortured and killed for being accused of practicing witchcraft, and millions have died over time due to conflicts based on race, property conquests, religious crusades, slavery, and more. It is very easy for many to forget that not too long ago, even the concept of gender-equality and human rights were considered preposterous.
If there is a circle of life, then alongside it is a circle of violence. People who act violent help insight others to act violent. Although human beings are to be held accountable for their individual behaviors, it is no secret that as a species, we are very influence-able creatures. Constant exposure to violence desensitizes us to violence. Each person has a choice of whether or not they will participate in the circle of violence. If a person does not have the choice in the matter, or control over a situation where violence takes place, there are in most cases a way to separate themselves from those situations. You may not control the person who abuses you at home, or you may not control the situation of the enablers in the house that are part of the problem of allowing the abuse to take place. However, with enough planning, and locating resources, you can work towards removing yourself from that household to get away from such a toxic environment instead of staying and hoping the violence will stop.
Serial killers, movie theater murderers and even bullies on a school bus all have one thing in common at their core. They all attach no value to human life, especially those human lives they deem to be vulnerable. It does not matter if the person heads up an organized mass assault on civilians, or if the person secretly attacks and kills an unwanted homeless person, or if the person belittles a classmate over the Internet for being different. At their core, the same source for the different kinds of violence exists: the inability to value all human life equally.
Do not think you are any better a person just because you only hit your spouse, or verbally insult your kids instead of walking into a shopping center with a weapon. It is not the degree of violence. It is the fact that you have chosen to be a part of the circle of violence at all. Maybe you are not the one that committed the greater acts of violence; but you are part of the violence culture that cultivated those same killers.
When coaching individuals, and especially couples, the shock and surprise they experience when they discover that part of their routine squabbles are actually acts of violence to one another is often a first step to either full reconciliation, or the end of the relationship.
Explaining to a man that using name calling in anger against his wife is an act of verbal abuse, takes him aback as he never thought of himself as an abuser; he just though of himself as angry. Explaining to a young woman that sending mixed signals to her boyfriend and constantly threatening to leave him for not reading her mind is emotional abuse, stuns her as she never thought of it as abuse; it is just the way she thought relationships were suppose to work.
It is thought that most violence is gendered in that men are more physically abusive and that women are more emotionally abusive. A study that was lectured about at a Dr Steve Stosney Montreal seminar in 2010 mentioned that as regards gendered abuse, "girls are catching up" with the boys regarding rates of abuse.
In my own practice, I find no correlation between gender and abuse. Both male and female sexual predators exist; both the mother and the father can be culpable of physical violence, sexual violence, emotional violence and neglect upon their children. Stories about their being the good gender and the bad gender in relationships, are comforting but often that is all they are: stories of comfort.
We all have choices to make. We all can make mistakes, but mistakes or not, we all can make choices. If you have a problem with resulting to violence with your loved ones, there are programs available for anger management, competent physiotherapy, and compassion training programs. If the violent behavior is relative to using drugs and alcohol there are support groups to help with those challenges as well. What is your highest core value? Do you want to be a member of the circle of violence? You have a choice.
If you want to help yourself get out of the habit of any violent behaviors you could be exhibiting, it is not just about your family and loved ones. It is about adopting a new way of living. At the core of adopting a non-violent way of life is holding a very highly regarded value for human life, specifically human beings that come across as vulnerable.
This means if you feel like making an anonymous Internet attack through an online comment, where the sole purpose of your comment is to insult or hurt someone, you do not do it. This means that if you want to jump on the bandwagon to assassinate someone's character, in a situation that you know nothing about, you do not do it. This means that you do not make fun of any group of people for any reason including, but not limited to race, religion, body shape, intelligence, where those people commonly shop and so on. On the circle of violence there is very little distance between the bullies on the school bus, and the killers of the cinema. At their core, the same lack of value towards human life is the same. Only the degree of their unchecked violent actions is different.
Next time you want to put someone down, whether your loved one or not, stop. Otherwise, you are part of the problem of violence in the world, not part of the solution to rid the world of violence through acceptance, compassion, education, tolerance and the many other tools we have to eliminate violence as an option.
So do we live in a more violent society than ever before? I do not know. I do believe that we know more about ways to handle violent tendencies than ever before, and that is what I focus on as key to helping to make the world a better place.
You have a choice.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
When your partner does not want to get serious
To Commit or Not to Commit
Do Not Be With Someone
That Does Not Want To Be With You
By Frank Kermit
There are times when individuals stay with partners who do not want to get more serious. This situation happens when one person, for whatever reason, feels that it is better to stay with someone they have to convince to change their minds, than it would be to break up and start over by finding someone new to be with.
Sometimes, the person stays because of a deep held belief he or she is with the right person and is willing to wait it out. Other times, a person stays in this situation due to a deep fear of being alone and not finding anyone else or anyone better. Then there are those situations where the circumstances have to do with the pressure of a biological clock that is so close to no longer ticking that it feels riskier to break up and look for someone else to commit to in such a short time frame, than it is to stick it out, hoping to pressure a partner into agreeing to make something more happen.
Regardless of the reasons, the general rule is that if the person that you are interested in having something more serious with (moving to the next level in the stages of the relationship hierarchy) is not interested, nor even open to talking about what would have to happen for your relationship to move forward, the best course of action is to walk away and find someone else.
The emotional damage done when a person stays with a partner that does not want to get serious is the most significant reason for leaving. Constantly being pushed away and rejected, can lead to a repeating behavior pattern of responding to that kind of lack of affection. In other words, the longer you stay with someone that rejects your advances, the more you get used to being rejected when expressing intimate interests, and it can lead to the point in the future, where you learned to only feel romantically interested in people if they push you away and get turned off by the people who accept your emotional advances. We become engaged with the challenge and the pursuit of love, but bored of actually having love. It is not about what we intellectually know is better for us. It is about how we respond emotionally to those behaviors by our attachment history.
You may intellectually know that the person who is available to you and accepting of your affection is the better partner for you long term, but you will not be able to feel attraction for such people if you have programmed yourself to only emotionally respond to people that continually reject you.
Simply put, do not value someone that is unable to value you back. It is time to find someone else.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
You Cursed or Making Bad Choices
Cursed or Bad Choices
by Frank Kermit
Sometimes I have clients who ask me if I think they may be cursed.
Bad incident, after bad incident, after bad incident can make a person feel that life is against him or her. I do want to state that some people just have rotten luck, and bad luck can play a factor in a person’s life once in a while.
However, if you ever wonder why all the bad things seem to always happen to you, then perhaps you need to consider taking some accountability for the choices you made along the way that brought you to this moment.
You are where you are because of a series of choices you made.
Financially broke?
You made choices to end up there.
Heartbroken?
You made choices to end up there.
Unhealthy?
You made choices that end up there.
For the record, I am guilty of this as well. I am not pointing fingers. I have made a lot of bad choices in my life that got me to where I am, and I am by no means perfect.
We ALL make some bad choices.
The key is to see if we can learn from the bad choices we made, by first identifying those choices and then making better choices.
Many years ago I got my heart stomped on over and over.
I made choices to give people a chance when there were signs that I should not have. I made choices to ignore the warning signs. I made choices to assume facts, instead of finding out the true facts.
I made choices to act on my feelings in the moment and accept poor behaviour of others because it hurt too much to pick myself up and move on.
Then one day, I made the choice of saying, “Never Again!”
And from that moment on, I started to make different choices.
Some were still the wrong choice.
Other choices were good choices, but not great choices, until I learned through life experience how to make the best choices for myself.
I could not be sure I was on the best path, but at least I made it a point to never again re-make the original choices that put me into the situation I ended up in.
To read all about the choices and changes I made, grab a copy of my autobiography From Loser To Seducer
Redemption is when you can trust yourself not to make the same mistakes again. At that moment of redemption, self-forgiveness is automatic and inner peace is the result.
So the next time you are asking yourself why bad things keep happening to you, please consider that you might not be cursed, but you do need to re-evaluate the choices you are making (or not making) to put you in a better place.
Frank Kermit
by Frank Kermit
Sometimes I have clients who ask me if I think they may be cursed.
Bad incident, after bad incident, after bad incident can make a person feel that life is against him or her. I do want to state that some people just have rotten luck, and bad luck can play a factor in a person’s life once in a while.
However, if you ever wonder why all the bad things seem to always happen to you, then perhaps you need to consider taking some accountability for the choices you made along the way that brought you to this moment.
You are where you are because of a series of choices you made.
Financially broke?
You made choices to end up there.
Heartbroken?
You made choices to end up there.
Unhealthy?
You made choices that end up there.
For the record, I am guilty of this as well. I am not pointing fingers. I have made a lot of bad choices in my life that got me to where I am, and I am by no means perfect.
We ALL make some bad choices.
The key is to see if we can learn from the bad choices we made, by first identifying those choices and then making better choices.
Many years ago I got my heart stomped on over and over.
I made choices to give people a chance when there were signs that I should not have. I made choices to ignore the warning signs. I made choices to assume facts, instead of finding out the true facts.
I made choices to act on my feelings in the moment and accept poor behaviour of others because it hurt too much to pick myself up and move on.
Then one day, I made the choice of saying, “Never Again!”
And from that moment on, I started to make different choices.
Some were still the wrong choice.
Other choices were good choices, but not great choices, until I learned through life experience how to make the best choices for myself.
I could not be sure I was on the best path, but at least I made it a point to never again re-make the original choices that put me into the situation I ended up in.
To read all about the choices and changes I made, grab a copy of my autobiography From Loser To Seducer
Redemption is when you can trust yourself not to make the same mistakes again. At that moment of redemption, self-forgiveness is automatic and inner peace is the result.
So the next time you are asking yourself why bad things keep happening to you, please consider that you might not be cursed, but you do need to re-evaluate the choices you are making (or not making) to put you in a better place.
Frank Kermit
No More Bad Choices
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Are you cursed, or just making bad choices?
