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how to make someone tell you the truth
Handling The Truth About Relationships
Is All About Handling The Truth About Human Beings
By Frank Kermit
Originally published July 19, 2018, updated April 20, 2018
When someone asks to learn the single most important thing that I can think of that would ensure they have the best chance of making long term relationships succeed, time and again, when going through the practice of relationship coaching, that single most important element that keeps coming up is:
A Persons Ability To Handle Truth.
The willingness to listen to the truth about your relationship situation and handling the truth in a mature and reasonable manner can be the key difference between a long term marriage-‘til-death-do-you-part or a quickie-divorce. It is that key.
Frank's Rule of Honesty is that people will only tend to be as honest with you as much as you give the image of what you can handle.
If you present yourself as someone that will not be able to handle the truth, or you have a reputation of freaking out when you hear a truth that you do not like, it is pretty well guaranteed that you have taught the people around you that it is in their best interest, and yours, for them to lie to you when they can.
During my own personal development, something that I learned when I wanted to encourage honesty from others is that I taught myself how to handle truth.
Meaning,
that regardless of how bad the news, I would hold off acting on any emotion until I could be alone later.
So when I get told really shocking news, I do withdraw, but I do not act out and explode.
This has been KEY in getting people to talk to me with their truths.
I don't promise not to get mad, I just promise not to act on that anger right away.
I control the behavior, not the emotion.
It has strengthened my connections with others.
Succeeding at making long term relationships work can depend greatly on being the kind of person that people felt they could be completely honest about regarding their secrets, their vulnerabilities and their sexual histories.
If you can make people feel that safe with you, then you will always be in a position to know the truth of your relationship situation, and that is what puts you in control of being able to manage your relationships, and the potential threats to it.
You can never allow yourself to be in the position to fear truth. When it comes to the truth about your relationship, you simply must learn to handle things that you likely would rather not want to hear.
For example, a truth in relationships that most people would rather not acknowledge is that even if you are happily involved with someone in a serious and exclusive relationship, you are STILL going to be attracted to other people.
It has NOTHING to do with how much the partners love each other.
It has nothing to do with how the partners treat one another.
It only has to do with basic sexual orientation.
If a person had the capacity to feel attracted to and/or fall in love with a human being once, they will likely do so again and again, no matter what they have committed too.
To be clear, we are talking about how you do not control how you feel (attraction for another person that is not your partner) which is a completely separate issue from acting on that attraction if you have made a commitment not to act on them.
Now, let’s take that example and see what is the real dangerous.
Some people feel that expressing to your partner that you are attracted to another person is a direct threat to that relationship.
Actually, it is not.
It is just a truth about your relationship.
The FEAR of expressing yourself to your partner, or the fear of your partner expressing a truth to you, is the real threat to your relationship.
It is those couples that understand that knowing the truth, no matter how much it can ding the ego, is always the best means of helping to preserve the relationship, that have the best chance of lasting through the rough times together.
Relationship Skills Mastery, at its core, is the embracement of the full truth about your partner and yourself.
Relationships based on intellectual constructs and ideals, which prevent couples from being completely honest with each other about how they are feeling, is the real danger.
It is in those omissions of truth that the cracks in the foundations of the trust that is the basis of a relationship may start the tower of love to crumble.
Although many people claim they want a partner who will be honest, a number of those same people simply cannot handle a partner being honest.
(How often do you actually tell a partner if that outfit makes them look fat?).
Don't ask for the truth if you cannot handle it.
If you really want honesty, be strong enough to take it.
This is the real world.
There is no having it both ways.
If you ask for honesty but you react out of control, like you cannot handle honesty well, you are going to train everyone to start lying to you.
Sorry, but you need to keep things in perspective.
If you are losing yourself in your rage,
you will destroy everything you love.
Frank Kermit
If you want to get someone to be honest with you, to tell you something, you do not need to cast any truth spells. All you need to do is learn the traits of a charismatic person.
People feel safe to tell the truth to those that are charming and know how to handle truth.
Learn to handle the truth. Buy the Art of Calibration Program: From Creepy To Charisma
People feel safe to tell the truth to those that are charming and know how to handle truth.
Learn to handle the truth. Buy the Art of Calibration Program: From Creepy To Charisma
how to make someone tell the truth
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choosing the right partner
Choosing The Right Partner Is 50% of Your Relationship Success
Originally published July 18, 2016, updated April 20, 2018
By Frank Kermit
Even at your best, you are still only 50% of the relationship. That means that no matter how great a person you are, and no matter how amazing your relationship skills are, you are still only 50% responsible for the relationship success you have.
However, when I coach singles and couples, who claim that the other person must then make up the other 50%, I correct them and tell them that it isn’t necessarily the other person that guarantees relationship success…it is if the first person’s ability to chose the right partner for them.
Confused yet?
Yeah, me too sometimes (and I am the one that came up with these original theories!)
Sometimes people assume that if they just “become better”, or work harder on themselves, or become more attractive, that everything in their current relationships will work out.
Although this could make some sense depending on the context it is important to understand that no amount of self-help, new social skills, or personal development will ever adequately make up for a relationship partner that is not the right partner for you.
For example, let’s say that you are a stanch monogamist, and your partner constantly commits acts of lying and infidelity.
The solution to such a fundamental problem is not about the first person become “better”, more understanding, or learning advanced relationship skills in order to fix the relationship by trying to make up for the lack of relational commitment by the other partner.
The only solution to that dynamic is for the first person to end the relationship and choose a new future partner that is compatible with your boundaries and emotional needs.
We do not choose who we love.
However, we do choose who we date and form intimacy with.
You will feel a variety of attraction, attachment and emotions for different people in your life.
That does not mean that just because you feel “something” that you necessarily have to commit to someone that is not right for you nor even act in a manner that keeps you going back to your ex partner.
By the same token, if you have a challenge with feeling anything for someone that would be great for you, that is not a sign that your potential ideal partner is wrong for you…as much as it is likely a sign that you need to re-tweak your own “attraction mechanism”.
If the only people that you are turned on by to date are people that you cannot form an emotionally healthy relationship with that is your red flag; a sign that you need to work on the source of why you end up only seeking out people that you cannot build a future with.
If you are the type of person that continually learns new communication skills, reads every relationship book that comes out, buys the latest better-sex product, and study the topic of love to no end…but you do not cultivate your capacity to choose your realistic potential life partner, then your eventual relationship success will be zero.
The best relationship skills with the wrong partner will never be better than basic average relationship skills with the right partner.
Frank Kermit
To find the right partner, learn to attract someone that will fall in love with you and love you immensely without question, by studying the emotional needs.
To BE the right partner that your ideal lover wants to commit to, study the emotional needs so you know what to say and how to act to make them fall in love with you.
factors to consider in choosing a lifetime partner
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How Attraction Works
The Attraction Theory
Originally published July 18, 2018, updated April 20, 2018
By Frank Kermit
There is an attraction theory that states,
"How you do one thing,
is representative of how you do
all other things."
Although this particular theory is not realistic and cannot be applied across the board in any tangible and measureable way, it does have some merit when it comes to the Emotional Interpretations.
Basically, the theory claims that if you are looking for signs as to what kind of partner someone would be for you in a relationship, look at how a person conducts him or her self, to give you an idea, of what kind of partner someone would make.
On some level, this does make sense, as people generally are their repeating behavior patterns.
Someone whose repeating behavior pattern is to lie, lie and lie some more, may be very incapable of being honest with anyone, including the people he or she dates.
On the other hand, the theory that how you do one thing represents how you do all things is not correct when it comes to all things.
How someone acts in one context may be very specific to that context.
Just because someone puts in the time to take care of her health, does not mean she will put time into taking care of her family connections.
Just because someone makes the extra effort at his job, does not mean they will be able to put in that same effort in managing his own business.
In both those examples, there could be extraneous circumstances to explain how one behavior does not represent a predictable behavior in another context.
For example, the woman in the above example may be overly preoccupied with her appearance such that she focuses on her own health and beauty, and does not focus on the emotional fulfillment of her family, and the man in the example works hard because he responds to authority checking up on him, but would not be assertive for himself if no one is there to scold him for being less pro-active.
However, when it comes to dating, many people look for those “signs” that someone is meant to be your best potential soul mate.
They look at status symbols that may include education level, wealth, social connections, and even wearing white after Labor Day, none of which is a direct indicator of how well someone treats a partner in a relationship.
Those “signs” can serve as indicators of some kind of significance, but if you really want to safeguard yourself from being mislead by “signs”, then remember this one point:
How someone treats you must be your most important criteria.
If you plan to have children, or already have children, then your most important criteria should also include an analysis of what kind of parent someone would be.
Frank Kermit
Emotional Needs of Men
If you really want to attract someone, then you MUST study the Frank Kermit Emotional Needs Theories.
It produces marriages, helps adult virgins find their first love, and makes relationship easy to attract and manage.
Go Right Now!
Emotional Needs of Women
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Strings Attached and Dating
Strings Attached Dating
By Frank Kermit
It is important to be grateful for everything you have, and everything that others do for you.
Having gratitude reminds each of us to be thankful for elements in our life that we may likely take for granted.
During troubling times in our life, gratitude is a reminder of how things could be worse, and helps people keep a sense of perspective, which helps many individuals from being overwhelmed by life challenges.
Gratitude, and the act of being grateful is a good thing.
However, like any good thing, it is a matter of context, and even gratitude can be turned into something negative in our love lives if we are not careful.
In my practice, I sometimes see good people being manipulated because their own gratitude has been used against them.
A typical example is that the person is dating someone, and the partner does something for the person.
Person expresses gratitude, and then the partner reveals that the giving-act has a price (an expectation) that was not previously disclosed.
What can end up happening is that the person who was grateful, may now feel pressured into giving into to the expectations (now demands) of the partner, partly out of guilt, and partly out of wanting to show appreciation for the giving act he or she is grateful for.
When it comes to dating, we all bring expectations to the table.
There is nothing wrong with having a price attached to what you want to give in a relationship. In fact, having a price for what you offer translates to having boundaries for yourself, to protect yourself, your needs and is necessary for you to communicate to others how you want to be treated.
That is not the issue.
The issue is when people do not communicate their expectations (their price) for a giving-act BEFORE taking action.
There can be no assuming that someone sees an exchange in dating, or attaches the same values that you do, to any particular action.
If the two of you have not discussed the expectations going forward, never assume anything has any deeper meaning to your partner, as it might for you.
If you have expectations of your partner based on certain actions, express them before you do the actions.
Otherwise, you may end up using the gratitude your partner feels towards you as a weapon of manipulation. It may not even be your intent to do so, but that is what you are doing, and it is wrong.
Do you expect your partner to commitment to you if you have sex? Do you expect your partner to give up other dating options if you introduce your partner to your family? Do you expect your partner to continue to see other people, as you intend, until there is a formal engagement or marriage proposal? Do you expect your partner to tolerate any of your inappropriate attitudes and behaviors, because of the way you take care of him or her? Do you expect that your partner will make your needs a priority if you shower your partner with gifts?
Trying to guilt anyone into agreeing to give you something in exchange for your thoughtfulness is not ethical, because it is robbing that person of a proper choice in the matter.
If you have any strings attached to what you do in dating, be clear and let that person know what your strings are to ensure that neither of you end up unintentionally trying to manipulate one another.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Single on New Years Eve
Stop Wasting Time:
The Resolutions
For Singles in the New Year
By Frank Kermit
Some people find themselves starting the New Year as a single person. For those that are happy being single, the New Year is getting off to a great start.
However, if someone is not happy with being single, and wants to make sure to be in a relationship by the time New Year's Eve comes around again, it is important to make some changes.
If there was one area that single people must make changes to, in order to ensure their best chances at no longer being single, it can be summed up in 3 simple words:
Stop-Wasting-Time.
Stop Wasting Time means that you realize that your "time" is a resource of a very limited supply.
You cannot get back any time that you already spent. All you can do is focus on the time you have left. When it comes to the desire to no longer be single, how you spend your time is very important.
There are certain things you must devote time too. These include your set obligations, your family responsibilities, your work, your education, your health but when all of that is done, then you may have time left over to focus on other things.
That time left over is the time you need to devote to making changes in your life to break the repeating behavior patterns that have thus far kept you single. If you are not using that time wisely, you could be wasting it.
For example, you have decided that this was the year you were going to find new love, and build a serious relationship with him or her, and the next thing you know, you get contacted by one of your ex lovers who happens to be lonely and wants to enjoy your company again.
If you keep hanging out with ex lovers just to avoid feeling lonely, you are wasting your time.
Use that evening to go out some place to potentially meet someone new.
If you are casually dating someone currently and it appears that there is little chance of it turning into a serious commitment, you might be wasting your time.
Talk to your partner about what would have to happen to for such a commitment to occur.
If your partner cannot give you a direct and crystal clear answer, you are wasting your time with that person.
Use that time to go to workshops to develop your social or conversational skills.
If you have hobbies which are enjoyable pastimes (stamps, genealogy, videogames) but do not allow for you to interact with new people in real life social settings where you can explore a potential romance, you are wasting your time.
Use that time to take up a new activity like a dance class where you must interact with others and potentially find a connection.
Even chilling out with your friends can end up being a huge waste of time.
Unless your friends are able to directly introduce you to someone new they brought to the social circle, hanging out with the same groups of people that do not provide you with your own chance of love is a time waster.
This also includes that friend of yours that you are in love with, and continue to ask out, but rejects you again and again.
Spending time with someone that continually rejects to attempt to take your friendship to the next level is wasting your time.
Use that time to meet up with new social circles that can meet your needs better.
Some people struggle with this because they carry a notion that they should not have to put in so much effort to connect with a new love.
They feel that it should just happen when the timing is right, and would rather wait for love to come to them.
For some people, this has worked because they are naturally able to draw such opportunities to them.
However, for the rest of us who were not naturally able to draw it to us, it is time to put in the work.
Next New Year's Eve is just about 11 months away.
You can either wait to see if you will be alone again, or you can choose to take action and increase your chances to have someone to start next year with a meaningful kiss. It's your time
Frank Kermit
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Being Single Can Be Like Winning The Lottery
Being Single is Just Like Winning The Lottery
By Frank Kermit
Updated March 3, 2018
The topic to be discussed is why are so many people still single when we live in a time when there are more ways than ever to meet someone to have a meaningful satisfying loving relationship.
Many years ago, a student of mine asked me the same question of why some people are still single; given all the different ways someone can meet a potential relationship partner. Here is what I told him.
In modern times, being single is just like winning the lottery.
When you are single, you have lots and lots of choices. You can choose to date casually, or seek a serious partner. You can wait or you can rush in.
You can date whomever you want, whenever you want, however many times you want. You can have sex, or you can abstain.
You can seek out someone to create and parent children with you, or you can seek to have a child on your own. You can choose to use protection and remain childfree if you really want. You can date people of any faith, any culture, any race, and any gender.
You can choose to get married, get engaged, just live with someone...or never get that serious. It is all completely up to you.
You have the power of choice.
When you win the big lottery, you have lots of and lots of choices.
You can choose to go on major spending sprees, or seek a serious financial planner. You can hold off claiming the winnings and get your plans in order, or you can claim it and rush to make purchases.
You can share your money with whomever you want, whenever you want, however many times you want. You can invest or you can abstain from investing.
You can seek out partners to create business ventures together. You can let the money sit in the bank and never spend it if you choose to be minimalist if you really want.
You can choose to buy a house, a new car, a collection of assets, or never get into any sort of purchasing. It is all completely up to you.
You have the power of choice.
The people who end up broke and in worse debt than when they first won the lottery are exactly like those people who were single and ended up in worse situations by wasting time with bad relationship partner choices.
Neither of them have life management skills (in finance and romance) nor did either of them take the time to learn how to manage all the choices they were suddenly saddled with.
The people who end up financially stable and even richer than when they first won the lottery are exactly like those people who were single and ended up in the best possible situations by making the most of their time with good relationship partner choices.
The both had life management skills (in finance and romance) and they made the time to learn how to manage all the choices they were suddenly saddled with.
If you are single and you want to stop being so, take the time to learn about who you are, what you want out of life, and to figure out who would be the best relationship partner for you.
A successful romantic future is just like a successful financial future; it comes down to making the right investment and managing it for life.
Frank Kermit
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The Problem is YOU
The Common Element in
All Your Dating Dilemmas
By Frank Kermit
You. Yes, you. The common element in all of your dating dilemmas is and will always be you.
In my practice, I often get asked questions pertaining to why there are no good women, or no good men out in the world.
Specifically, I am asked why every woman out there is malicious, and asked why every man out there is a jerk?
The answer is, not every woman out there is malicious and not every man out there is a jerk.
However, if every single person YOU have dated all seem to have the exact same problematic characteristics, then perhaps it is time to ask, if you might be part of the problem.
It is always possible that even the most level headed of us occasionally makes a bad choice, or is mistaken once in a while in terms of our ability to judge a character.
There are manipulators in the world who are masterfully skilled in lying and deception that even some of the most astute individuals may fall victim to.
There is no shame in being fooled once. That is part of the learning process of life experience. However, if you fall prey to these kinds of romantic hooligans on multiple paths to romance havens, it is time to check your love-compass for a tune up.
The common element is not that every guy or gal you dated cheated on you, lied to you, swindled you out of money, hurt you, broke promises to you, wrecked your car, got you arrested, hit you, hid a major secret from you, played mind games on you or anything else you want to add to the list of charges.
The common element is that you keep choosing to date people that exhibit these characteristics and refuse to learn to pay attention to red flags.
You may not always be able to choose the people you are attracted to, but you are always in control of your choices in terms of whom you date. However, there is something you can do about it right now to keep you from repeating this behavior pattern.
Identify some personal boundaries about what you deem unacceptable behavior towards you, communicate those boundaries early on in the dating process when you meet someone new, and if that person crosses your boundaries in small ways at the beginning, you walk away before you give that person a chance to majorly violate those boundaries later on.
The ability to follow your own personal rules for the standards regarding how you require to be treated by others, is one of the best, and sometimes the only sure fire way to assert your boundaries, and pull yourself out of a questionable or bad situation. This cannot be based on how you feel in the moment.
In the moment, if you are used to being mistreated when dating, it may actually feel inappropriate, or even wrong, to end dating someone that you may already be attached too.
That is why clear boundaries are so important. They are the guidelines you must follow, even when your heart is clouding your head with emotional screams of excuses, hopes and justifications.
Thus, even when your heart can be misguided, and your mind may be confused; your boundaries will always guide you to your best option for long-term happiness. It’s all in you.
Frank Kermit
All Your Dating Dilemmas
By Frank Kermit
You. Yes, you. The common element in all of your dating dilemmas is and will always be you.
In my practice, I often get asked questions pertaining to why there are no good women, or no good men out in the world.
Specifically, I am asked why every woman out there is malicious, and asked why every man out there is a jerk?
The answer is, not every woman out there is malicious and not every man out there is a jerk.
However, if every single person YOU have dated all seem to have the exact same problematic characteristics, then perhaps it is time to ask, if you might be part of the problem.
It is always possible that even the most level headed of us occasionally makes a bad choice, or is mistaken once in a while in terms of our ability to judge a character.
There are manipulators in the world who are masterfully skilled in lying and deception that even some of the most astute individuals may fall victim to.
There is no shame in being fooled once. That is part of the learning process of life experience. However, if you fall prey to these kinds of romantic hooligans on multiple paths to romance havens, it is time to check your love-compass for a tune up.
The common element is not that every guy or gal you dated cheated on you, lied to you, swindled you out of money, hurt you, broke promises to you, wrecked your car, got you arrested, hit you, hid a major secret from you, played mind games on you or anything else you want to add to the list of charges.
The common element is that you keep choosing to date people that exhibit these characteristics and refuse to learn to pay attention to red flags.
You may not always be able to choose the people you are attracted to, but you are always in control of your choices in terms of whom you date. However, there is something you can do about it right now to keep you from repeating this behavior pattern.
Identify some personal boundaries about what you deem unacceptable behavior towards you, communicate those boundaries early on in the dating process when you meet someone new, and if that person crosses your boundaries in small ways at the beginning, you walk away before you give that person a chance to majorly violate those boundaries later on.
The ability to follow your own personal rules for the standards regarding how you require to be treated by others, is one of the best, and sometimes the only sure fire way to assert your boundaries, and pull yourself out of a questionable or bad situation. This cannot be based on how you feel in the moment.
In the moment, if you are used to being mistreated when dating, it may actually feel inappropriate, or even wrong, to end dating someone that you may already be attached too.
That is why clear boundaries are so important. They are the guidelines you must follow, even when your heart is clouding your head with emotional screams of excuses, hopes and justifications.
Thus, even when your heart can be misguided, and your mind may be confused; your boundaries will always guide you to your best option for long-term happiness. It’s all in you.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Waiting For Your Partner To Change
Waiting For Your Partner To Change
By Frank Kermit
Can people change? Yes, people can change.
If you are in a relationship with someone, and wondering if the person you are with can change, the answer is yes, most anyone can change, if the person can make the commitment to change, the capacity to see it through, and the relative motivation to stick to it through the change process (which can be very challenging at times).
The question is not if the person you are with (or interested in being with) can change. The question you need to be asking is whether or not you wait for that person to change.
The focus is always best directed on the things you can control such as your decision to stay or go, and not on the things you cannot control such as whether or not your partner actually makes a change.
In my practice, I often find myself helping individuals shift their focus from trying to get a partner to change, to focusing instead on why the individual would seek out a partner that needs to perform some kind of change in order to make the relationship work.
It can be an eye opening experience, and a hard shot to the ego, for individuals to realize they may be self sabotaging their chances at being in an emotionally healthy happily satisfying relationship with someone new, by always choosing to date people that must change in order for any relationship to function.
When seeking a long-term partner, a key ingredient to relationship success is to find someone that you can take as is. If the person you are attracted too must change something in order to continue to be in a long-term relationship with you, it is best not to attempt to get serious with that person to begin with.
You do not get serious with someone because of who that person may become in a few years time. You get serious with someone because of who he or she is RIGHT NOW. And if the person he or she is RIGHT NOW is not good enough for you, do not commit.
Time is a resource that is irreplaceable and unreplenishable. When you hang around someone that is not ready or willing to change in order for your relationship to get serious or move to the next level, you are wasting your time.
The time you lose lingering is time you will never get back. More importantly, it is time that you could have used to find someone that is ALREADY the person that you can have a serious relationship with RIGHT NOW.
If you are dating someone that needs to change in order for the two of you to be more serious together, and your partner is dragging his or her heels about it, do not put your life on hold waiting for your partner to change.
It is OK to have hope that your partner will change, but do not cut yourself off from meeting and dating new people, while you hope that the person you currently favor will change to meet your needs. Use the time your partner needs to change to explore all of your other relationship options.
There are certain situations where waiting for a certain change in your partner to take your relationship to the next level makes sense. For example, waiting for both you and your partner to finish an education and get a career started before starting a family, is the kind of waiting for a partner to change that makes some sense, because there is already a willingness and existing commitment in place.
However, there are certain decisions are too important to wait on such as moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, having children, and other values individuals may consider very important such as moving to a new city, changing religion, getting sober, or legally ending a pervious relationship status.
When everything else has been discussed, and you have acted reasonable with realistic expectations, and it is just a matter of taking that next step, and your partner is either not able, nor willing, then you may need to take some time for yourself to evaluate if your partner is worth the wait.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Human Conflicts Are Rarely Cut and Dry
Say It, or Say Nothing at All?
By Frank Kermit
Dear Readers, this question came to me through social media and I thought it was a great discussion to share with you all. The question dealt with the topic of a man (let's call him Michael) who was debating whether or not he should confront a friend of his (let's call him Steve) for saying something that was hurtful.
Michael was having a problem with forgetting something that Steve said to him. Michael was making the effort to let it go and just let it be, but it still kept coming up for him. Michael was wondering if he should approach Steve about the subject, and concerned that it may escalate a conflict between the two. While at the same time Michael was not sure if he could ever just let it go.
When I work with singles and couples, the first tenet of communication in this kind of situation is to clear the air and have the discussion. There are a few notable exceptions such as if you are not able to express yourself calmly, or if you are talking to someone who is toxic and beyond a reasonable discussion.
However barring any extreme situation, it generally stands that if the relationship cannot withstand this sort of discussion, then it begs to question the value of the relationship to begin with.
With that said, for Michael's very specific situation, the answer is rarely cut and dry as there are too many variables that have not been presented. Yes, Michael is upset about something that was said, but it is the context of what was said that will shed some light about the best means to deal with it.
Without understanding the context (the surrounding factors) behind what was said, it is unlikely that any advice will be calibrated. What Michael should do really depends on what was said and the context it was said in.
For example, was it something that violated Michael's boundaries? If so, then Michael should bring it up before it happens again. Otherwise it is possible that Michael will harbor resentment towards Steve, and when resentment grows unchallenged your relationship with that person may be lost anyways.
Was Michael told something that was accurate and needed to take responsibility for even though Michael did not like hearing it? In this case, Michael may in fact need to thank Steve for saying it to him. It is possible that other people were thinking the same thing, but did not have the courage nor cared enough about Michael to bring it to his attention.
For example, was something said to Michael because Michael initially said or did something to hurt Steve, and Steve's backlash was his way of calling Michael out? If that was the context, it could be possible that what is actually bothering Michael is his own conscious due and having to acknowledge his own mistakes.
Human interactions and communications are rarely cut and dry. Most people do not say hurtful things for the sake of being hurtful. Some do...they are the bullies and emotional abusers in the world.
However, when it comes to relationships, keep in mind that if a friend said something to you that hurt you, look at the context to see if there was something in your participation that prompted the remark before you assign total fault to the other party.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Finding Your Life Calling
In Our Moments of Crisis,
Is Our Life Calling
By Frank Kermit
Part of my work in helping people find and attract their soul mate match includes helping people find their life calling. Once a person knows what their calling in life is, it dictates their lifestyles, reflects their personal core values, and makes it much easier to figure out the kind of person they should seek out for a serious relationship.
Finding their calling is about giving meaning to why they are alive. It is about discovering a purpose, and a means of contributing to the world. When a human being has found a purpose in life, there is a certain fulfillment that completes them; in ways they may not have known they were missing beforehand.
Although finding their calling is not always necessary to structure a life plan (which is about planning your life from this moment, all the way to the moment of your death and telling your loved ones how you want your remains to be dealt with), it does make structuring a life plan much easier.
Having that life plan in place helps individuals focus on the kinds of people they should be dating, and even helps you locate where you would most likely meet those potential life partners.
For example, if you know that your life plan involves living in another country 6 months out of the year, then when seeking a life partner to support that lifestyle and travel with you, you must find someone that likes to travel, has no commitments that ties them down, and has the same value system you do.
Finding your life calling, and creating a life plan detailing your day-to-day can be a daunting task. The first place that most people explore when seeking a life calling is to figure out what it is they like. That is one of the ways that a person can choose a job or career they may find fulfilling, but not always.
In my practice, as well as through my personal experience, I have found that in our moments of personal crisis, we can find our deeper life calling. What we learn about ourselves, during our most traumatic moments, can also be the life lessons needed to direct us on the path of hearing the call of our life’s mission.
Many philanthropists, great leaders, entrepreneur’s come from stories of pain that drive them to finding ways to change the world. At times, it could be something like an incident as a child of seeing other children at risk that pushes a person to become a police officer, family law advocate, or even a social worker.
A person whose family once went hungry or ended up evicted may devote their life to teaching people how to live off the grid or enroll in the doomsday prep movement.
Many years ago, I was stood up at my prom, lost my ex-fiancé to one of my then best friends, and later ended up near suicidal shortly after a further series of heartbreaks.
In my attempts to heal my own wounds and learn some very tough life lessons about love, these traumatic events in my life, were in fact the building blocks for my practice as a dating and relationship coach.
If you are struggling to figure out your life path, and want to do so in order to help you find your soul mate, look at the crisis in your life, and start asking yourself if you really have learned every lesson you needed to learn, in order to be able to contribute to the world. Once you have that answer, you are one step closer to finding your life mission AND your life partner.
Frank Kermit
