- Published on
The Top 3 Frank Wing Rules
By Frank Kermit
WING is the term used to define the person that is helping you in your quest to connect with the target of your heart's desire. The role of a wing (whether a wingman or a wing-girl) is simple to understand, but not always easy to pull off. Your duty as a wing-person is to help someone get more opportunity to spend time alone with whomever that person wants to be with.
This can involve talking to the friends of the target person, so that those said friends do not interfere with the impending conversation. It can involve being a fill-in on a double date because someone is unable to date at all unless they are able to bring a tag-along chaperone. It can simply involve being a cheering section, where the wing does not take part in any conversation with anyone, and is just there for emotional support and encouragement as someone faces their fears in trying to be more open in a social situation. Having been a wing myself, and having depended on wings in the past, I learned the hard way that there are some top rules to make winging a winning success.
1.Do not travel with your wing. In cases where you are out about town looking to meet new people or trying to better engage someone you already know and like, and want to be open to seeing a potentially romantic interaction through to whatever end you are seeking (for example, sex at the end of the night), never be dependant on your wing for a lift, and never be stuck having to cut the party short because your wing needs to turn in for an early morning appointment. Even if you arrive together, be willing to leave separately as the conditions require. If you are too dependent on a lift because you cannot afford your own way home, you should not be out with a wing.
2.Beware the folly of professional wing services. There are actually paid services where you can hire people to be your wings. Usually, they pretend to be your friend and their goal is to introduce you to new people at a social setting, which relieves you of having to make the initial approach and risk rejection. Now, if all someone is looking for is one night stands and casual hook-ups, then it could work.
However, the folly of using these services is that in the event that you meet someone that you really connect with, and there is a real potential for a long term relationship, you are now in the messy predicament of either telling your new partner the truth (that you hired a wing service to help you meet up which could taint how your new partner would relate to you), or to forever keep it a secret and lie about who those wing service pseudo-friends really were (which starts your relationship on a falsehood). Buildings that are constructed on foundations that already have cracks in them make it easier to knock those buildings down.
3. Choose Wings Wisely. Do not choose someone to be your wing just because you are BFF (best friends forever). Your friends may be a reflection of you in terms of who you associate with, but a wing has a very specific goal, which is to give you the time, space and opportunity you need to either meet someone new, or to see if you can take your relationship to the next level with someone you already like. Your friends may not actually be able to help you achieve that goal, especially if they feel in competition for your attention themselves. Friends can sabotage you, without intending too, for the simple fact, their goal may be to spend time with you, and not help you be with someone else.
There is more to share on this topic, but that can be explored in a future article.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
WING is the term used to define the person that is helping you in your quest to connect with the target of your heart's desire. The role of a wing (whether a wingman or a wing-girl) is simple to understand, but not always easy to pull off. Your duty as a wing-person is to help someone get more opportunity to spend time alone with whomever that person wants to be with.
This can involve talking to the friends of the target person, so that those said friends do not interfere with the impending conversation. It can involve being a fill-in on a double date because someone is unable to date at all unless they are able to bring a tag-along chaperone. It can simply involve being a cheering section, where the wing does not take part in any conversation with anyone, and is just there for emotional support and encouragement as someone faces their fears in trying to be more open in a social situation. Having been a wing myself, and having depended on wings in the past, I learned the hard way that there are some top rules to make winging a winning success.
1.Do not travel with your wing. In cases where you are out about town looking to meet new people or trying to better engage someone you already know and like, and want to be open to seeing a potentially romantic interaction through to whatever end you are seeking (for example, sex at the end of the night), never be dependant on your wing for a lift, and never be stuck having to cut the party short because your wing needs to turn in for an early morning appointment. Even if you arrive together, be willing to leave separately as the conditions require. If you are too dependent on a lift because you cannot afford your own way home, you should not be out with a wing.
2.Beware the folly of professional wing services. There are actually paid services where you can hire people to be your wings. Usually, they pretend to be your friend and their goal is to introduce you to new people at a social setting, which relieves you of having to make the initial approach and risk rejection. Now, if all someone is looking for is one night stands and casual hook-ups, then it could work.
However, the folly of using these services is that in the event that you meet someone that you really connect with, and there is a real potential for a long term relationship, you are now in the messy predicament of either telling your new partner the truth (that you hired a wing service to help you meet up which could taint how your new partner would relate to you), or to forever keep it a secret and lie about who those wing service pseudo-friends really were (which starts your relationship on a falsehood). Buildings that are constructed on foundations that already have cracks in them make it easier to knock those buildings down.
3. Choose Wings Wisely. Do not choose someone to be your wing just because you are BFF (best friends forever). Your friends may be a reflection of you in terms of who you associate with, but a wing has a very specific goal, which is to give you the time, space and opportunity you need to either meet someone new, or to see if you can take your relationship to the next level with someone you already like. Your friends may not actually be able to help you achieve that goal, especially if they feel in competition for your attention themselves. Friends can sabotage you, without intending too, for the simple fact, their goal may be to spend time with you, and not help you be with someone else.
There is more to share on this topic, but that can be explored in a future article.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Friendship Is Meaningless
Stop Hanging Out With Friends
Who Sexually Reject You
By Frank Kermit
Friendship is meaningless. There I said it. Now before you shoot one of your nasty emails to the editor, actually read this column to understand the context where this is true.
A young man in his 20s came up to me after a workshop I conducted. He had really made an effort to participate to learn about how attraction works, and he seemed troubled by something I had said. It was in the context of calling friendship meaningless when one person has affection for the other, but the other person does not return that affection. He was in a situation where he was spending every Saturday night with a female friend that he was in love with.
They would watch movies at home, and even hold hands, but when he tried to kiss her or talk about getting into a dating relationship, she would reject all his advances. She was a single mom and had no interest in dating anyone. All she wanted was to raise her kid, and spend time with friends, but not get involved with anyone.
So, he continued to hang out with her every Saturday night, sometimes holding hands but nothing else waiting for the day she would change her mind. At the same time, there was a second girl in this story that was interested in dating him, however he could not see past his "movie buddy" to give the second girl a chance.
The guy is this story is wasting his time on a meaningless friendship. He wants a romantic relationship with a female friend that is sexually rejecting him. The second girl in this story is also wasting her time in a meaningless friendship waiting for a guy that does not value her enough to give her a chance at a deeper connection.
If either rejecter in this story had taken the chance with the person who loved them, they could be enjoying the benefits and happiness that can result from being in a loving relationship with someone that can know you like a friend, and feel you like a lover. However, many rejecters are reluctant to take the chance, often citing not wanting to lose the friendship.
Herein lies the irony. You cannot lose something that does not exist. There is no friendship to lose, because once someone has feelings for the other, the friendship becomes a facade. It is not real, because the one in love with the friend is holding out, waiting for the other to change.
Waiting for someone to change to like you enough to make the leap is not an acceptance of a friend, which is a requirement for friendship. If there was a friendship there originally, before the feelings of one person surfaced, then that friendship is now over. Romantic feelings negate the friendship.
Through my personal experience, as well as my practice as a relationship coach, I am very much convinced that constant exposure to a friend that you are in love with, that does not return that love, can be very emotionally damaging to the person who is on the receiving end of that sexual rejection.
Constantly exposing yourself to regular sexual rejection from them same person helps establish a repeating behavior pattern where you will eventually end up associating having feelings for someone with the feelings of being rejected.
This means that over time, you will have your attraction for someone triggered if they reject you and mistreat you, yet if someone that treats you well, or shows you positive romantic attentions, you will eventually train your emotional intelligence to get turned off by the very person that values you enough to take a relational risk with you.
This is why when someone sexually rejects you, it is important NOT to continue to spend time with that person under the guise of a friendship, in the hopes they will be open to it later.
That constant exposure to being rejected sexually again and again, instead of seeking the attentions of someone new, runs the risk of become too familiar to you. If constant sexual rejection becomes too familiar to you, you could develop an unhealthy attachment that would forever forge you into pursuing people that don't actually like you, or would just use you. (A-ha moment anyone?)
That same attachment would also turn you off from those individuals that are actually interested in having a legitimate loving relationship with you.
Staying in a friendship where you are constantly being sexually rejected is bad. It could make getting into a loving relationship in the future more challenging because you have trained yourself to respond to people that reject you, instead of responding to people that like you. The kind of friendship where this is going on is a bad friendship.
If you have to choose between maintaining a bad friendship or having no friendship of any kind with the person you asked out and rejected you, then it is better to have no friendship at all. A bad friendship is a meaningless friendship.
Frank Kermit
Stop Hanging Out With Friends
Who Sexually Reject You
By Frank Kermit
Friendship is meaningless. There I said it. Now before you shoot one of your nasty emails to the editor, actually read this column to understand the context where this is true.
A young man in his 20s came up to me after a workshop I conducted. He had really made an effort to participate to learn about how attraction works, and he seemed troubled by something I had said. It was in the context of calling friendship meaningless when one person has affection for the other, but the other person does not return that affection. He was in a situation where he was spending every Saturday night with a female friend that he was in love with.
They would watch movies at home, and even hold hands, but when he tried to kiss her or talk about getting into a dating relationship, she would reject all his advances. She was a single mom and had no interest in dating anyone. All she wanted was to raise her kid, and spend time with friends, but not get involved with anyone.
So, he continued to hang out with her every Saturday night, sometimes holding hands but nothing else waiting for the day she would change her mind. At the same time, there was a second girl in this story that was interested in dating him, however he could not see past his "movie buddy" to give the second girl a chance.
The guy is this story is wasting his time on a meaningless friendship. He wants a romantic relationship with a female friend that is sexually rejecting him. The second girl in this story is also wasting her time in a meaningless friendship waiting for a guy that does not value her enough to give her a chance at a deeper connection.
If either rejecter in this story had taken the chance with the person who loved them, they could be enjoying the benefits and happiness that can result from being in a loving relationship with someone that can know you like a friend, and feel you like a lover. However, many rejecters are reluctant to take the chance, often citing not wanting to lose the friendship.
Herein lies the irony. You cannot lose something that does not exist. There is no friendship to lose, because once someone has feelings for the other, the friendship becomes a facade. It is not real, because the one in love with the friend is holding out, waiting for the other to change.
Waiting for someone to change to like you enough to make the leap is not an acceptance of a friend, which is a requirement for friendship. If there was a friendship there originally, before the feelings of one person surfaced, then that friendship is now over. Romantic feelings negate the friendship.
Through my personal experience, as well as my practice as a relationship coach, I am very much convinced that constant exposure to a friend that you are in love with, that does not return that love, can be very emotionally damaging to the person who is on the receiving end of that sexual rejection.
Constantly exposing yourself to regular sexual rejection from them same person helps establish a repeating behavior pattern where you will eventually end up associating having feelings for someone with the feelings of being rejected.
This means that over time, you will have your attraction for someone triggered if they reject you and mistreat you, yet if someone that treats you well, or shows you positive romantic attentions, you will eventually train your emotional intelligence to get turned off by the very person that values you enough to take a relational risk with you.
This is why when someone sexually rejects you, it is important NOT to continue to spend time with that person under the guise of a friendship, in the hopes they will be open to it later.
That constant exposure to being rejected sexually again and again, instead of seeking the attentions of someone new, runs the risk of become too familiar to you. If constant sexual rejection becomes too familiar to you, you could develop an unhealthy attachment that would forever forge you into pursuing people that don't actually like you, or would just use you. (A-ha moment anyone?)
That same attachment would also turn you off from those individuals that are actually interested in having a legitimate loving relationship with you.
Staying in a friendship where you are constantly being sexually rejected is bad. It could make getting into a loving relationship in the future more challenging because you have trained yourself to respond to people that reject you, instead of responding to people that like you. The kind of friendship where this is going on is a bad friendship.
If you have to choose between maintaining a bad friendship or having no friendship of any kind with the person you asked out and rejected you, then it is better to have no friendship at all. A bad friendship is a meaningless friendship.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Pick And Choose Your Fights
By Frank Kermit
Fighting in relationships is normal. The issue is not whether you fight. The issue is HOW a couple fights. Do they talk out their disagreements? Do they wait until they are alone together, or fight in front of others? Do they resort to name calling and screaming for even the most trivial things? Do they throw furniture at each other? Or, do they not fight at all, fearful of the potential consequences (real or imaginary) and let their anger simmer until it turns into blinding resentment, possibly erupting in a massive rage outburst. It is not even a question of finding ways not to fight. The focus is on helping people understand to pick and choose their fights in a relationship.
This Frank Rule of Relationships, to pick and choose your fights, is also a great Calibration tool. Knowing how to screen if a fight is worth the effort, or if a fight is a waste of your time, can help smooth things along for long-term relationship success.
It is important to judge who you are fighting with. Is the person you are about to engage with someone that is toxic (meaning the person lacks the capacity to reason or be reasonable)? Then your attempts to argue with such a person are futile.
For example, an addict that is in the throws of withdrawal and desperately demanding money from you to feed the addiction is not in a reasonable state of mind where your attempts of talking to him or her out of it, will most likely not be effective. Even therapists try to arrange their sessions with addicts to happen at a time when the addict would be most receptive to talking.
It is also important to be able to access your own ability to manage an unpleasant discussion that can easily turned heated. Know thy self, dear reader. If you can estimate that you would be unable to properly and maturely discuss a matter at a given moment, arrange with your partner to be able to talk about it at a later time, when you have had the chance to cool down and can be in a more rational and accepting frame of mind.
In picking and choosing your fights, it is not about going to either extreme of always fighting with people about everything, or never fighting with anyone regardless of what they do to you. It is about being able to decipher when it is worth the time and effort to express yourself, when it is necessary to communicate a consequence that you will enact based on your reaction to others, and when you shouldn't even bother trying at all.
If you zealously argue for every inconvenience you suffer, regardless of how important it is or isn't, you will likely lose credibility in the eyes of those you regularly communicate too. It can also very likely isolate you as few people want to be around the professional protestor, who usually do not understand that fighting about the political climate you are living in does not mandate the same reaction as your toast being under-toasted at the breakfast you ordered at the local greasy spoon.
When you do pick the fight that you think is worth it, and assuming you are dealing with a reasonable person, and assuming that you are in a good frame of mind, make the distinction between expressing your issue, and issuing a consequence to the issue.
When you express the issue that you are willing to fight about (it could be a boundary, a need of yours, or a manner in which you expect to be treated) it is important to simply state the issue.
For example, when a cashier is spending time on the phone instead of doing her job, expressing your issue when you pick this fight may sound something like: "Excuse me miss, when I come to the cash register, I would appreciate that you get off the phone with your friend, and do your job." Here you are not resorting to name-calling, screaming, or threats. You are directly, calmly and clearly stating your issue when picking this fight. If the cashier is actually a reasonable person, she will realize the importance of your expression, and will follow through to accommodate you. If the cashier is a reasonable person having an unreasonable moment (or maybe she is just toxic after all), she may try to justify her position or try to attack your position as in: "This will only be a minute, are you that much in a hurry?"
It is at THIS point, that you would go from expressing your issue to enforcing your issue by stating a consequence, which could sound something like this: "Miss, if you do not end that call and do your job right now, then I will have to take up this matter with your manager, who I am sure will not be as open to your pressing call."
The key is that you do not mention the consequence until after you have given the person a chance to wake up, for what could be just a bad day for them.
Conflict is never a pleasant situation. However, it is a part of life, and your ability to pick and choose your fights will help determine your ability to manage your long-term relationship success. You do not have a choice when it comes to what people may try to put you through, but you do have a choice to how charismatic you can try to be when it happens.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Fighting in relationships is normal. The issue is not whether you fight. The issue is HOW a couple fights. Do they talk out their disagreements? Do they wait until they are alone together, or fight in front of others? Do they resort to name calling and screaming for even the most trivial things? Do they throw furniture at each other? Or, do they not fight at all, fearful of the potential consequences (real or imaginary) and let their anger simmer until it turns into blinding resentment, possibly erupting in a massive rage outburst. It is not even a question of finding ways not to fight. The focus is on helping people understand to pick and choose their fights in a relationship.
This Frank Rule of Relationships, to pick and choose your fights, is also a great Calibration tool. Knowing how to screen if a fight is worth the effort, or if a fight is a waste of your time, can help smooth things along for long-term relationship success.
It is important to judge who you are fighting with. Is the person you are about to engage with someone that is toxic (meaning the person lacks the capacity to reason or be reasonable)? Then your attempts to argue with such a person are futile.
For example, an addict that is in the throws of withdrawal and desperately demanding money from you to feed the addiction is not in a reasonable state of mind where your attempts of talking to him or her out of it, will most likely not be effective. Even therapists try to arrange their sessions with addicts to happen at a time when the addict would be most receptive to talking.
It is also important to be able to access your own ability to manage an unpleasant discussion that can easily turned heated. Know thy self, dear reader. If you can estimate that you would be unable to properly and maturely discuss a matter at a given moment, arrange with your partner to be able to talk about it at a later time, when you have had the chance to cool down and can be in a more rational and accepting frame of mind.
In picking and choosing your fights, it is not about going to either extreme of always fighting with people about everything, or never fighting with anyone regardless of what they do to you. It is about being able to decipher when it is worth the time and effort to express yourself, when it is necessary to communicate a consequence that you will enact based on your reaction to others, and when you shouldn't even bother trying at all.
If you zealously argue for every inconvenience you suffer, regardless of how important it is or isn't, you will likely lose credibility in the eyes of those you regularly communicate too. It can also very likely isolate you as few people want to be around the professional protestor, who usually do not understand that fighting about the political climate you are living in does not mandate the same reaction as your toast being under-toasted at the breakfast you ordered at the local greasy spoon.
When you do pick the fight that you think is worth it, and assuming you are dealing with a reasonable person, and assuming that you are in a good frame of mind, make the distinction between expressing your issue, and issuing a consequence to the issue.
When you express the issue that you are willing to fight about (it could be a boundary, a need of yours, or a manner in which you expect to be treated) it is important to simply state the issue.
For example, when a cashier is spending time on the phone instead of doing her job, expressing your issue when you pick this fight may sound something like: "Excuse me miss, when I come to the cash register, I would appreciate that you get off the phone with your friend, and do your job." Here you are not resorting to name-calling, screaming, or threats. You are directly, calmly and clearly stating your issue when picking this fight. If the cashier is actually a reasonable person, she will realize the importance of your expression, and will follow through to accommodate you. If the cashier is a reasonable person having an unreasonable moment (or maybe she is just toxic after all), she may try to justify her position or try to attack your position as in: "This will only be a minute, are you that much in a hurry?"
It is at THIS point, that you would go from expressing your issue to enforcing your issue by stating a consequence, which could sound something like this: "Miss, if you do not end that call and do your job right now, then I will have to take up this matter with your manager, who I am sure will not be as open to your pressing call."
The key is that you do not mention the consequence until after you have given the person a chance to wake up, for what could be just a bad day for them.
Conflict is never a pleasant situation. However, it is a part of life, and your ability to pick and choose your fights will help determine your ability to manage your long-term relationship success. You do not have a choice when it comes to what people may try to put you through, but you do have a choice to how charismatic you can try to be when it happens.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Asking The Hard Questions
By Frank Kermit
When trying to decide if you should be committed to someone, moving in with someone, getting engaged, and getting married, each new transition brings about the unpleasant task of asking the hard questions.
Romance is a wonderful thing; the passion, the anticipation, the fantasy, the hope, the sex, the titillating drama of starting something new can all encompass you like a drug, and takes you on an emotional journey of escapism. There is nothing quite like the roller coaster of dismal low points, and peak climaxes.
However, once that is out of the way, the real relationship begins, and so too the asking of the hard questions. This is especially true if you are getting married. Getting married is more than just planning a wedding day. You are choosing a person to build a future with which likely includes major financial investments (home/vehicle), sharing resources, supporting any particular lifestyle, and possibly children. Sounds unromantic? You bet it is. Asking the hard questions is about making sure that you know what you are getting yourself into and that if there is any reason you would not marry someone for, that you ask the hard question directly.
Each of us has our particular limits as to what we can be open minded about. Each of us draws that line differently. In my practice I have met individuals and couples that draw the line in a variety of places of what they would and would not accept. What one person simply deems completely unacceptable is nothing more than a minor footnote in the criteria of another person.
The key is to find a life partner that loves the good that you bring to the relationship, and can accept the bad that comes with the baggage as well. Once you have that, you have a good opportunity to build the kind of relationship foundation necessary to manage the storms of life that ransack long term relationship success. That is why it is important to ask the hard questions before going through with any promoting of your relationship to the next level.
Here are some examples of hard questions to ask someone that you are about to marry:
Have you ever been legally charged with something?
Have you ever been convicted, and or do you have a record?
What is your credit rating and what is your financial history?
What is your sexual history?
Have you had sex with anyone that is going to be invited to the wedding?
Did you have sex with someone that would make me not marry you (like a family member of mine)?
Is your family in support of your change in relationship status with me?
What is your history regarding metal health?
Have you ever contemplated or attempted suicide?
Have you ever done anything in your past that might come to haunt us (or our children)?
What dark secrets of your past could one of your ex-lovers and ex friends share about you?
Did you ever have a child that was given up for adoption that could try to locate you someday?
Is there anyone that may want to seek revenge on you and your family that I need to know about?
For some people, the "wrong" answers to any of those questions are enough to call off the wedding. For others, there is no wrong answer to any of those questions, and it is just a matter of knowing the full story. Just keep in mind that whatever questions you choose to ask your fiancé, is likely also going to be a questions your fiancé will ask you. It swings both ways.
I often get asked what if a person lies to you when you ask these questions. The truth is, just asking the hard questions will not guarantee that you will get the truth.
A liar is a liar is a liar. However, TIME always works against a perpetual liar as the repeating behavior pattern makes it near impossible to keep a web of lies intact, as more lies are spun to re-enforce the previous lies. The sign you are with a perpetual liar is that they lie about too many things, and start getting caught on little things, that eventually affect their credibility on the big things. I have found this comes up in my practice when one of the couple happens to be an addict, and the other partner finds out because of the number of inconsistencies that arise when the addicted partner tries to cover up the drug use.
If you are too afraid to ask certain questions, or feel the need to refuse to answer certain questions, a last resort that you may be able to use is the "Ultimate List Exercise".
This exercise involves each person in the couple to write out a list of Ultimate Personal Deal-breakers.
Also known as the "I would not marry you if..." list, a partner lists every conceivable realistic reason that he or she would not marry their partner. Then the partners switch lists. If you read something on your partner's list that applies to you, you have the opportunity to call off the wedding and break the engagement, without having to reveal which deal breaker you violated. In this manner, you both have the chance to do the right thing, while at the same time, maintain whatever privacy is necessary.
Now, if for whatever reason, you find yourself unable, or unwilling to ask the hard questions or make the lists because you are afraid of losing the relationship, that is a sign you may be in the wrong relationship to begin with. If you are afraid of the answers you might get from the partner you are asking, or you are afraid of the answer you would have to give your partner when he or she asks you the same question, that is a sign that it is not time to get more serious with that person.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
When trying to decide if you should be committed to someone, moving in with someone, getting engaged, and getting married, each new transition brings about the unpleasant task of asking the hard questions.
Romance is a wonderful thing; the passion, the anticipation, the fantasy, the hope, the sex, the titillating drama of starting something new can all encompass you like a drug, and takes you on an emotional journey of escapism. There is nothing quite like the roller coaster of dismal low points, and peak climaxes.
However, once that is out of the way, the real relationship begins, and so too the asking of the hard questions. This is especially true if you are getting married. Getting married is more than just planning a wedding day. You are choosing a person to build a future with which likely includes major financial investments (home/vehicle), sharing resources, supporting any particular lifestyle, and possibly children. Sounds unromantic? You bet it is. Asking the hard questions is about making sure that you know what you are getting yourself into and that if there is any reason you would not marry someone for, that you ask the hard question directly.
Each of us has our particular limits as to what we can be open minded about. Each of us draws that line differently. In my practice I have met individuals and couples that draw the line in a variety of places of what they would and would not accept. What one person simply deems completely unacceptable is nothing more than a minor footnote in the criteria of another person.
The key is to find a life partner that loves the good that you bring to the relationship, and can accept the bad that comes with the baggage as well. Once you have that, you have a good opportunity to build the kind of relationship foundation necessary to manage the storms of life that ransack long term relationship success. That is why it is important to ask the hard questions before going through with any promoting of your relationship to the next level.
Here are some examples of hard questions to ask someone that you are about to marry:
Have you ever been legally charged with something?
Have you ever been convicted, and or do you have a record?
What is your credit rating and what is your financial history?
What is your sexual history?
Have you had sex with anyone that is going to be invited to the wedding?
Did you have sex with someone that would make me not marry you (like a family member of mine)?
Is your family in support of your change in relationship status with me?
What is your history regarding metal health?
Have you ever contemplated or attempted suicide?
Have you ever done anything in your past that might come to haunt us (or our children)?
What dark secrets of your past could one of your ex-lovers and ex friends share about you?
Did you ever have a child that was given up for adoption that could try to locate you someday?
Is there anyone that may want to seek revenge on you and your family that I need to know about?
For some people, the "wrong" answers to any of those questions are enough to call off the wedding. For others, there is no wrong answer to any of those questions, and it is just a matter of knowing the full story. Just keep in mind that whatever questions you choose to ask your fiancé, is likely also going to be a questions your fiancé will ask you. It swings both ways.
I often get asked what if a person lies to you when you ask these questions. The truth is, just asking the hard questions will not guarantee that you will get the truth.
A liar is a liar is a liar. However, TIME always works against a perpetual liar as the repeating behavior pattern makes it near impossible to keep a web of lies intact, as more lies are spun to re-enforce the previous lies. The sign you are with a perpetual liar is that they lie about too many things, and start getting caught on little things, that eventually affect their credibility on the big things. I have found this comes up in my practice when one of the couple happens to be an addict, and the other partner finds out because of the number of inconsistencies that arise when the addicted partner tries to cover up the drug use.
If you are too afraid to ask certain questions, or feel the need to refuse to answer certain questions, a last resort that you may be able to use is the "Ultimate List Exercise".
This exercise involves each person in the couple to write out a list of Ultimate Personal Deal-breakers.
Also known as the "I would not marry you if..." list, a partner lists every conceivable realistic reason that he or she would not marry their partner. Then the partners switch lists. If you read something on your partner's list that applies to you, you have the opportunity to call off the wedding and break the engagement, without having to reveal which deal breaker you violated. In this manner, you both have the chance to do the right thing, while at the same time, maintain whatever privacy is necessary.
Now, if for whatever reason, you find yourself unable, or unwilling to ask the hard questions or make the lists because you are afraid of losing the relationship, that is a sign you may be in the wrong relationship to begin with. If you are afraid of the answers you might get from the partner you are asking, or you are afraid of the answer you would have to give your partner when he or she asks you the same question, that is a sign that it is not time to get more serious with that person.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
The Frank Law of Attraction
The Frank Law of Attraction
Originally published July 18, 2016, updated April 20, 2018
By Frank Kermit
The Frank Law of Attraction is based on one single premise:
What you do to get the person
must be the same thing as what
you do to keep the person.
Most attraction tactics focus on getting someone to like you, however they do not focus on keeping that person around.
That is the paradox of most pick up strategies as those routines focus on getting someone immediately turned on; but has no substance to keep any serious long term relationship alive.
Here are some of the talks that come up with men and women in my coaching sessions when perpetually single people come in and want to figure out why they cannot find someone that wants to commit to him or her long term, despite the fact they have less trouble finding short term volunteers.
If you do not want her to leave when the money runs out, then do not use money as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when your breasts start to sag, then do not use your breasts as your primary means of attracting him.
If you do not want her to leave when the adventure of traveling must be replaced by settling down to manage your responsibilities, then do not use adventures of traveling as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when the sex ends, then do not use sex as your primary means of attracting him.
If you do not want her to leave when your buff body suffers life altering health problems, then do not use your buff body as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when the lies get found out, then do not use lies as your primary means of attracting him.
If you do not want her to leave when she discovers you have no intention of being monogamous, then do not use the promise of monogamy as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when youthful beauty fades, then do not use your youthful beauty as your primary means of attracting him.
If you do not want her to leave when you can no longer afford lavish gifts, then do not use lavish gifts as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when you stop supporting his drug habit, then do not use enabling his habit as your primary means of attracting him.
If you do not want her to leave when you demand that she stop flirting with every man she knows, then do not use admiration of her flirtatious nature as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when you admit that you do not want to have kids, then do not use the promise of a family as your primary means of attracting him.
Whatever you plan to use to keep the person with you long term, needs to be the very elements that you must use to attract the person.
These include your common values, your similar life plans and goals, and your personality and ability to connect.
Frank Kermit
emotional needs of a girl
Don't you hate how what you do to attract someone tends to be different than the skills to keep them?
NOT WITH THIS SYSTEM!
In Frank's Emotional Needs, what you do to attract someone is THE SAME THING you do to KEEP THEM!
Imagine, how easy it is to learn ONE SYSTEM that does it all!
emotional needs of a boy
- Published on
Entertainment is NOT Dating Education
By Frank Kermit
The entertainment industry is not concerned with educating audiences about relationships. The entertainment industry is only interested in one thing: entertaining you in a way that turns a profit. Although there is nothing wrong with entertainment such as movies, television, and so on and it is perfectly OK (and absolutely necessary) for businesses to turn a profit, the issue that I see in my practice, stems from the fact that human beings sometimes will mistake what has been produced for entertainment purposes only, as an example to be followed in their love lives.
Women wait to be rescued by a handsome rich stranger instead of building their own wealth and making efforts to seek out their own partners. Men assume that allowing women to mother them as just friends will eventually turn that friend into a lover. The stories that entertain us may also mislead us.
To be clear, the entertainment industry is not to blame, nor should it be censored or altered to be more educational. That is not its mandate. The issue is not the entertainment industry per se. It has to do with the fact that human beings are a species of influence-able creatures.
Environments influence human beings, including what we see, what we hear and what we experience; that environment includes what entertainment we are exposed too. If you removed every aspect of our entertainment lives, we would still be just as influenced by the people and events around us. Each time you witness one person helping another fix a flat tire, it shall influence you to likely help out the next person you see with a flat tire.
The key is not modifying our entertainment, but bringing in better education. As long as people are educated about how to think critically and rationally about anything in their environment that can and will influence them, then people can make sure to only take actions that are in their best long-term interests.
Whether people need an education to learn how to interpret TV shows, commercials, movies, theatre or have to learn to interpret their own families unhealthy repeating behavior patterns, it is important to understand that what you have always been exposed too, is not an automatic example of what is normal behavior to enact or take part in.
I wish I could say that people should look to their own families for examples of what love and relationships are instead of looking at our entertainment media.
Unfortunately, with the high divorce rates in place, it seems that the very people that needed to exemplify those patterns of love and relationships are failing miserably. A society of absolute choice when it comes to dating, but no actual skills to be able to manage that abundance of choice, is resulting in a chain of broken relations.
It always comes down to everyone having different emotional needs (whether healthy needs or not) and seeking to have those emotional needs addressed. However, a personal education in relationships is something people have to choose to take action on.
Until then at least remember that what entertains you does not equal what must educate you when it comes to finding love.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
The entertainment industry is not concerned with educating audiences about relationships. The entertainment industry is only interested in one thing: entertaining you in a way that turns a profit. Although there is nothing wrong with entertainment such as movies, television, and so on and it is perfectly OK (and absolutely necessary) for businesses to turn a profit, the issue that I see in my practice, stems from the fact that human beings sometimes will mistake what has been produced for entertainment purposes only, as an example to be followed in their love lives.
Women wait to be rescued by a handsome rich stranger instead of building their own wealth and making efforts to seek out their own partners. Men assume that allowing women to mother them as just friends will eventually turn that friend into a lover. The stories that entertain us may also mislead us.
To be clear, the entertainment industry is not to blame, nor should it be censored or altered to be more educational. That is not its mandate. The issue is not the entertainment industry per se. It has to do with the fact that human beings are a species of influence-able creatures.
Environments influence human beings, including what we see, what we hear and what we experience; that environment includes what entertainment we are exposed too. If you removed every aspect of our entertainment lives, we would still be just as influenced by the people and events around us. Each time you witness one person helping another fix a flat tire, it shall influence you to likely help out the next person you see with a flat tire.
The key is not modifying our entertainment, but bringing in better education. As long as people are educated about how to think critically and rationally about anything in their environment that can and will influence them, then people can make sure to only take actions that are in their best long-term interests.
Whether people need an education to learn how to interpret TV shows, commercials, movies, theatre or have to learn to interpret their own families unhealthy repeating behavior patterns, it is important to understand that what you have always been exposed too, is not an automatic example of what is normal behavior to enact or take part in.
I wish I could say that people should look to their own families for examples of what love and relationships are instead of looking at our entertainment media.
Unfortunately, with the high divorce rates in place, it seems that the very people that needed to exemplify those patterns of love and relationships are failing miserably. A society of absolute choice when it comes to dating, but no actual skills to be able to manage that abundance of choice, is resulting in a chain of broken relations.
It always comes down to everyone having different emotional needs (whether healthy needs or not) and seeking to have those emotional needs addressed. However, a personal education in relationships is something people have to choose to take action on.
Until then at least remember that what entertains you does not equal what must educate you when it comes to finding love.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Is there such a thing as Happily Single?
By Frank Kermit
Is being single really that bad? After all, when a person considers the amount of pain that a relationship or casual dating can cause, it may seem that just skipping the whole dating-thing altogether might make for a more peaceful life.
Could it be that intimate relations are simply not for everyone, and maybe you happen to be one of those people? How do you know if being alone is the right choice for you and is it even possible to be content, or even fulfilled in a life without romantic love? As always, that answer is completely up to you.
The people who struggle with this question the most are those people that never actually had an overly positive, intimate relationship with someone before. If that is coupled with an environment that was emotionally sterile while that person was growing up, it makes trying to find the motivation for seeking out a relationship almost obsolete.
Without having experienced what a health loving relationship can be, or not having experienced the positive attributes of being with someone that cares for you, it is challenging for someone to see the value is pursuing a goal they have no concept of.
Then the consideration comes in that some people are simply too damaged to be in a relationship. There are cases where someone may be struggling with a personal demon like an addiction, or still coping with a history of abuse. Those demons may limit their capacity for intimate relationships of any kind. In these cases, people tend to be encouraged to work on themselves before entering into romantic relationships so that the challenges inherent with romantic relationships do not distract the people from the healing process, nor allow the romantic relationships to exasperate a persons energy causing them not to have the personal resources to slay the demon.
This is most commonly understood when someone enters a drug and alcohol treatment center where patients are forbidden to have relations with each other and contact with loved ones must be limited.
I have often found that barring any major issues, that a few people are simply not ready to make the commitment to the amount of work that is necessary to change an area of their life they are not happy with.
Dismissed as laziness by some, the lack of willingness to put in the work required to change behavior patterns is nothing to scoff at. Changing anything in your life forces you out of your comfort zone. It takes work. The motivation to make such changes may very well require that someone hit an absolute rock bottom before having enough gumption to finally make that change. The same principle applies to changing the status of a persons love life.
It is unfortunate that people require that kind of rock bottom to reach a point where the pain of staying where they are is finally greater than the pain of making a change.
When I am asked if it is better to be in a relationship that is bad, or being alone, I often quote one of my inspirations. To paraphrase: Are you better off with that person, or better off without that person? There is no set answer.
It completely depends on the context of your situation. There are a number of other factors to consider in the answer to this question. Are you very miserable, or just so-so bored with your partner? Is your partner a good parent to your kids, or are your kids in danger around your partner? Are you fighting day in and day out with your partner, or have you and your partner settled into a quiet existence that you find a little bland? Is your partner someone you can rely on, or is your partner a dead beat? If you were alone, would you be able to manage not having the positive elements that you do get from the relationships you experience? Are you just a negative person and will continue to find fault with your life even if your leave your partner?
Ending a relationship is NOT always the answer when things are rough in life, because life is also going to be rough on you when you are single. There are always consequences to either lifestyle to choose, the question remains which consequences are you more adept to handle accepting?
Some people are just comfortable being alone, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you are happier being alone, then take pride in that. If you complain about being alone, then do something about it. If you complain about being in a relationship, again do something about it.
Communicate with your partner and find out what is possible to change the areas you are not happy with, to see if you can work to build the relationship together that you will find fulfillment in.
If you are trying to figure out if you want to give up on love or not, one of the ways to decide this for yourself is to sit down and work through the differences between your feelings towards single life and your desires for the kind of lifestyle you want for yourself. Start with your ideal lifestyle and work your way backwards to your current present date.
Once you have that ideal (and REALISTIC) lifestyle mapped out, see if you are the type of person that can actually attain it, and if you would be able to attract the kind of partner that you yourself would need to be.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Is being single really that bad? After all, when a person considers the amount of pain that a relationship or casual dating can cause, it may seem that just skipping the whole dating-thing altogether might make for a more peaceful life.
Could it be that intimate relations are simply not for everyone, and maybe you happen to be one of those people? How do you know if being alone is the right choice for you and is it even possible to be content, or even fulfilled in a life without romantic love? As always, that answer is completely up to you.
The people who struggle with this question the most are those people that never actually had an overly positive, intimate relationship with someone before. If that is coupled with an environment that was emotionally sterile while that person was growing up, it makes trying to find the motivation for seeking out a relationship almost obsolete.
Without having experienced what a health loving relationship can be, or not having experienced the positive attributes of being with someone that cares for you, it is challenging for someone to see the value is pursuing a goal they have no concept of.
Then the consideration comes in that some people are simply too damaged to be in a relationship. There are cases where someone may be struggling with a personal demon like an addiction, or still coping with a history of abuse. Those demons may limit their capacity for intimate relationships of any kind. In these cases, people tend to be encouraged to work on themselves before entering into romantic relationships so that the challenges inherent with romantic relationships do not distract the people from the healing process, nor allow the romantic relationships to exasperate a persons energy causing them not to have the personal resources to slay the demon.
This is most commonly understood when someone enters a drug and alcohol treatment center where patients are forbidden to have relations with each other and contact with loved ones must be limited.
I have often found that barring any major issues, that a few people are simply not ready to make the commitment to the amount of work that is necessary to change an area of their life they are not happy with.
Dismissed as laziness by some, the lack of willingness to put in the work required to change behavior patterns is nothing to scoff at. Changing anything in your life forces you out of your comfort zone. It takes work. The motivation to make such changes may very well require that someone hit an absolute rock bottom before having enough gumption to finally make that change. The same principle applies to changing the status of a persons love life.
It is unfortunate that people require that kind of rock bottom to reach a point where the pain of staying where they are is finally greater than the pain of making a change.
When I am asked if it is better to be in a relationship that is bad, or being alone, I often quote one of my inspirations. To paraphrase: Are you better off with that person, or better off without that person? There is no set answer.
It completely depends on the context of your situation. There are a number of other factors to consider in the answer to this question. Are you very miserable, or just so-so bored with your partner? Is your partner a good parent to your kids, or are your kids in danger around your partner? Are you fighting day in and day out with your partner, or have you and your partner settled into a quiet existence that you find a little bland? Is your partner someone you can rely on, or is your partner a dead beat? If you were alone, would you be able to manage not having the positive elements that you do get from the relationships you experience? Are you just a negative person and will continue to find fault with your life even if your leave your partner?
Ending a relationship is NOT always the answer when things are rough in life, because life is also going to be rough on you when you are single. There are always consequences to either lifestyle to choose, the question remains which consequences are you more adept to handle accepting?
Some people are just comfortable being alone, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you are happier being alone, then take pride in that. If you complain about being alone, then do something about it. If you complain about being in a relationship, again do something about it.
Communicate with your partner and find out what is possible to change the areas you are not happy with, to see if you can work to build the relationship together that you will find fulfillment in.
If you are trying to figure out if you want to give up on love or not, one of the ways to decide this for yourself is to sit down and work through the differences between your feelings towards single life and your desires for the kind of lifestyle you want for yourself. Start with your ideal lifestyle and work your way backwards to your current present date.
Once you have that ideal (and REALISTIC) lifestyle mapped out, see if you are the type of person that can actually attain it, and if you would be able to attract the kind of partner that you yourself would need to be.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
The Movie Of Your Life's Journey
By Frank Kermit
The movie of your life is how we each envision our lives unfolding throughout our life span. This concept goes beyond simple fantasizing of what your life would be like. Writing the movie of your life is an empowerment exercise to help you maximize your life's opportunities when things are going well, and to help support you along when things are going poorly.
You are the protagonist (remember that term from high school literature class?) of the movie of your life. You are the main character that will reap all the main benefits of your actions, and suffer the consequences if you do not take action. Great storytelling whether it is through literature, TV, movies, theatre, etc...all capture and lead the imagination to new possibilities and give audiences the opportunity to consider new ways of living their lives finding fulfillment that may not even knew they were missing.
This empowerment endeavor helps a person take control of their life by employing elements from solid storytelling structures. This includes being a hero, usually introduced as a normal human being that is called upon to take on a great adventure challenge.
The hero either seeks out a mentor, or the mentor calls out the hero to be a student. The hero enters a period of development, which includes tests, learning of new skills, and even self-discovery of personal limits that may need to be overcome.
In the end, the hero succeeds at changing his or her character in what needs to be changed, uses that to defeat both the villain of the story and the inner demons the hero needed to vanquish, and finally overcoming the main challenge of the adventure.
The conclusion is that the hero is now a new person, with a new life to embrace, which gives the hero the best likelihood of fortifying a true happily ever after
When I help someone create the movie of their life, I have learned to add my own personal touch to it by establishing these basic concepts.
1-You is the only person that can save you. You must be your own hero in the movie of your life. There is no place for you to wait to be saved. In love, you cannot wait for your future lover, your soul mate, and no waiting for G-d to save you. It is up to you to take the action necessary to save yourself.
2-Limit suffering. Some people get so caught up with punishing themselves, that they take the tests and trials of their life's journey too far, and force themselves to suffer needlessly in order to feel worthy of a happy ending. You only need to suffer just enough to learn the lesson required to move on to the next chapter of the story of your life's journey.
3-Install a happy ending that happens early in your life. If you write out your movie to only have a happy ending for you (or your family) after your death, you are basically signing your own death certificate. Make sure that your happily ever after ending comes through happens as soon as possible so that you are able to enjoy the rest of your life as soon as you can. There is little point of a happily ever after at the end of your life, or after the fact where you are praised after death.
4-Beware your self-sacrificing storylines. A core group of people may identify being a hero equaling being self-sacrificing. This means to always put your personal needs aside to better support the needs of others. Although elements of self-sacrificing can in fact be heroic in certain contexts, the CONSTANT PRACTICE of self-sacrificing behaviors, especially in relation to your love life, can lead a person to a deep rooted bitterness that halts an ability to emotionally connect.
The irony is that if you are not taking your own needs into consideration at all, any rewards (if there are rewards at all) for always putting the needs of others ahead of your own will be moot. A person who's needs are ignored is usually unable to enjoy the rewards of self-sacrificing for others.
When getting started, I have found a very useful tool to be writing out the movie trailer of your life first. It will set the pace and the plot for your life. Here is a quick example of the structure:
Born in (insert the year you were born), (insert your name) had a (adjectives to describe your upbringing) life. Then one day, (insert the event or events that prompted you to have to make a change in your life) that changed life forever. (Insert your name) embarked on a journey to make a change, and build a life that was worth living again. (Insert what it is you are going to do to make that change a reality). Today (insert your name)(offer a conclusion that shows that success was/will-be achieved within your lifetime, and that you will be around to enjoy the fruits of your labor).
Here is my own movie trailer:
"Frank Kermit had an ordinary life that was very discouraging when it came to love. Then one day, Frank took stock of all the bad things that happened to him including getting stood up at his prom and losing his ex-fiancé to his then best friend that changed his life forever. Frank embarked on a journey to make a change, and build a life that was worth living again. He made learning about love, sex, dating and relationships his number one priority, sacrificed and eventually created a system for himself that helped him find peace within himself, and gave him the ability to help others. Today, Frank is married with a family and continues to teach people about emotional needs for loving relationships."
This is just an example to start you off. Use whatever structure works best for you.
I consider myself very fortunate that in my life, I have been on my own hero's journey and that when I was ready, my mentors were present for me. I am even more fortunate that when someone feels ready to start their own hero's journey in their real life, that some of them chose me as a mentor.
I wish you all a successful journey!
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
The movie of your life is how we each envision our lives unfolding throughout our life span. This concept goes beyond simple fantasizing of what your life would be like. Writing the movie of your life is an empowerment exercise to help you maximize your life's opportunities when things are going well, and to help support you along when things are going poorly.
You are the protagonist (remember that term from high school literature class?) of the movie of your life. You are the main character that will reap all the main benefits of your actions, and suffer the consequences if you do not take action. Great storytelling whether it is through literature, TV, movies, theatre, etc...all capture and lead the imagination to new possibilities and give audiences the opportunity to consider new ways of living their lives finding fulfillment that may not even knew they were missing.
This empowerment endeavor helps a person take control of their life by employing elements from solid storytelling structures. This includes being a hero, usually introduced as a normal human being that is called upon to take on a great adventure challenge.
The hero either seeks out a mentor, or the mentor calls out the hero to be a student. The hero enters a period of development, which includes tests, learning of new skills, and even self-discovery of personal limits that may need to be overcome.
In the end, the hero succeeds at changing his or her character in what needs to be changed, uses that to defeat both the villain of the story and the inner demons the hero needed to vanquish, and finally overcoming the main challenge of the adventure.
The conclusion is that the hero is now a new person, with a new life to embrace, which gives the hero the best likelihood of fortifying a true happily ever after
When I help someone create the movie of their life, I have learned to add my own personal touch to it by establishing these basic concepts.
1-You is the only person that can save you. You must be your own hero in the movie of your life. There is no place for you to wait to be saved. In love, you cannot wait for your future lover, your soul mate, and no waiting for G-d to save you. It is up to you to take the action necessary to save yourself.
2-Limit suffering. Some people get so caught up with punishing themselves, that they take the tests and trials of their life's journey too far, and force themselves to suffer needlessly in order to feel worthy of a happy ending. You only need to suffer just enough to learn the lesson required to move on to the next chapter of the story of your life's journey.
3-Install a happy ending that happens early in your life. If you write out your movie to only have a happy ending for you (or your family) after your death, you are basically signing your own death certificate. Make sure that your happily ever after ending comes through happens as soon as possible so that you are able to enjoy the rest of your life as soon as you can. There is little point of a happily ever after at the end of your life, or after the fact where you are praised after death.
4-Beware your self-sacrificing storylines. A core group of people may identify being a hero equaling being self-sacrificing. This means to always put your personal needs aside to better support the needs of others. Although elements of self-sacrificing can in fact be heroic in certain contexts, the CONSTANT PRACTICE of self-sacrificing behaviors, especially in relation to your love life, can lead a person to a deep rooted bitterness that halts an ability to emotionally connect.
The irony is that if you are not taking your own needs into consideration at all, any rewards (if there are rewards at all) for always putting the needs of others ahead of your own will be moot. A person who's needs are ignored is usually unable to enjoy the rewards of self-sacrificing for others.
When getting started, I have found a very useful tool to be writing out the movie trailer of your life first. It will set the pace and the plot for your life. Here is a quick example of the structure:
Born in (insert the year you were born), (insert your name) had a (adjectives to describe your upbringing) life. Then one day, (insert the event or events that prompted you to have to make a change in your life) that changed life forever. (Insert your name) embarked on a journey to make a change, and build a life that was worth living again. (Insert what it is you are going to do to make that change a reality). Today (insert your name)(offer a conclusion that shows that success was/will-be achieved within your lifetime, and that you will be around to enjoy the fruits of your labor).
Here is my own movie trailer:
"Frank Kermit had an ordinary life that was very discouraging when it came to love. Then one day, Frank took stock of all the bad things that happened to him including getting stood up at his prom and losing his ex-fiancé to his then best friend that changed his life forever. Frank embarked on a journey to make a change, and build a life that was worth living again. He made learning about love, sex, dating and relationships his number one priority, sacrificed and eventually created a system for himself that helped him find peace within himself, and gave him the ability to help others. Today, Frank is married with a family and continues to teach people about emotional needs for loving relationships."
This is just an example to start you off. Use whatever structure works best for you.
I consider myself very fortunate that in my life, I have been on my own hero's journey and that when I was ready, my mentors were present for me. I am even more fortunate that when someone feels ready to start their own hero's journey in their real life, that some of them chose me as a mentor.
I wish you all a successful journey!
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Fear of Conflict is Rooted in a Fear of Loss
By Frank Kermit
Are you too nice when it comes to relationships? Do you walk on eggshells because you do not want to upset your partner? Are you reluctant to enforce your boundaries with someone you care about? Are you afraid of the confrontations that would result if you communicated how you felt, even if you communicated in a compassionate and effective manner? Chances are you have a fear of conflict.
There are very few things more devastating to the potential for long-term relationship success than a fear of conflict. Supplicating to your partner, or anyone for that matter, when your boundaries are crossed will more than likely lead to certain consequences such as building resentment. In time, building resentment needs a release, and this is where the stereotype of the nice person going "postal" comes from. Eventually, all that resentment finally comes out in one full on explosion of emotion, and the people around that person, never saw the rage coming, because that person has always been so accommodating (read: nice) about things. As far as everyone else was concerned, there was never any issue to be worried about, because the person who is too nice, never identified the conflicts he or she was experiencing.
Furthermore, another side effect of a fear of conflict can be the bad habit of lying. Lies and lies and more lies, each one to help cover the last one, all in the name of trying to avoid a conflict. Not everyone who fears conflicts lies; however, some do. This is a very bad habit to be in. It gets especially bad when people convince themselves that they are lying to "spare the other person any anguish". Although the liars really do believe, and strongly convince themselves, they are lying for the good of others, the liars will only be able to break this repeating behavior pattern when they can admit they lie to help themselves avoid potential conflicts.
THIS is the reason that people who are too nice in relationships often find themselves not easily earning the trust of their lovers. Experience will teach many a partner to be wary of those people that come across as too nice, because new partners will be suspicious about when the next explosion of rage may hit. Caught in the crossfire are people who are very nice, but who are not afraid of conflict. The sad part is that real nice people tend to turn off high quality partners, and attract those people who are in the habit of taking advantage of nice people. Those actual nice people can sometimes feel a sense of frustration because they cannot understand why things continue to not work out in relationships.
At the root of fear of conflict is a fear of loss. It has nothing to do with the fear of losing an argument that the conflict might spark. It has to do with how a person will imagine they will be abandoned if they bring the conflict to light. Some people fear conflict because they are worried that having a conflict with someone they care about, might in fact, bring about the end of the relationship. Depending on what the conflict is, the cost of enforcing a boundary could very well be the relationship. In other cases, it is not the conflict that will end the relationship, but a person's inability to handle intense emotions that the conflict brings out. If the person with the conflict is not comfortable with intense emotions, they may bring up the conflict in the only way they know how, which is likely very un-calibrated and comes across as angry, and not a calm discussion.
Some people are reluctant to learning to accept conflicts as a part of life because they are afraid that it will cause them to see nothing but conflicts everywhere they look. I attempt to explain to people that conflicts do not just manifest out of thin air. Those conflicts were ALWAYS there and it is just that learning the ability to mange a fear of conflict, also gives the gift of developing a talent to spot conflicts that you previously did not read as conflict signals.
For example, part of learning to deal with a fear of conflict is to identify your deal breakers and boundaries. Once you know where your boundaries are, then you will see all those places where your boundaries are violated (thus seeing the signals of conflicts). Until you know yourself enough to be able to articulate your boundaries, you will be unable to manage your fear of conflict because you will not be able to properly put your finger on where the conflict actually exists.
The Irony is that you are much more likely to lose what you have if you do not allow for conflicts to surface. People who are too scared to talk it out because they are scared to lose a partner, inevitably end up in situations where they are unable to feel trust in their partners (or vice-versa) because of the silent resentment that slowly builds between them.
Resentment kills intimacy. If you have conflicts, you MUST communicate and work them out; otherwise, those conflicts will kill any potential that you would have originally had to make your relationships successful. To summarize, a relationship that cannot handle conflict is a relationship that is destined for doom.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Are you too nice when it comes to relationships? Do you walk on eggshells because you do not want to upset your partner? Are you reluctant to enforce your boundaries with someone you care about? Are you afraid of the confrontations that would result if you communicated how you felt, even if you communicated in a compassionate and effective manner? Chances are you have a fear of conflict.
There are very few things more devastating to the potential for long-term relationship success than a fear of conflict. Supplicating to your partner, or anyone for that matter, when your boundaries are crossed will more than likely lead to certain consequences such as building resentment. In time, building resentment needs a release, and this is where the stereotype of the nice person going "postal" comes from. Eventually, all that resentment finally comes out in one full on explosion of emotion, and the people around that person, never saw the rage coming, because that person has always been so accommodating (read: nice) about things. As far as everyone else was concerned, there was never any issue to be worried about, because the person who is too nice, never identified the conflicts he or she was experiencing.
Furthermore, another side effect of a fear of conflict can be the bad habit of lying. Lies and lies and more lies, each one to help cover the last one, all in the name of trying to avoid a conflict. Not everyone who fears conflicts lies; however, some do. This is a very bad habit to be in. It gets especially bad when people convince themselves that they are lying to "spare the other person any anguish". Although the liars really do believe, and strongly convince themselves, they are lying for the good of others, the liars will only be able to break this repeating behavior pattern when they can admit they lie to help themselves avoid potential conflicts.
THIS is the reason that people who are too nice in relationships often find themselves not easily earning the trust of their lovers. Experience will teach many a partner to be wary of those people that come across as too nice, because new partners will be suspicious about when the next explosion of rage may hit. Caught in the crossfire are people who are very nice, but who are not afraid of conflict. The sad part is that real nice people tend to turn off high quality partners, and attract those people who are in the habit of taking advantage of nice people. Those actual nice people can sometimes feel a sense of frustration because they cannot understand why things continue to not work out in relationships.
At the root of fear of conflict is a fear of loss. It has nothing to do with the fear of losing an argument that the conflict might spark. It has to do with how a person will imagine they will be abandoned if they bring the conflict to light. Some people fear conflict because they are worried that having a conflict with someone they care about, might in fact, bring about the end of the relationship. Depending on what the conflict is, the cost of enforcing a boundary could very well be the relationship. In other cases, it is not the conflict that will end the relationship, but a person's inability to handle intense emotions that the conflict brings out. If the person with the conflict is not comfortable with intense emotions, they may bring up the conflict in the only way they know how, which is likely very un-calibrated and comes across as angry, and not a calm discussion.
Some people are reluctant to learning to accept conflicts as a part of life because they are afraid that it will cause them to see nothing but conflicts everywhere they look. I attempt to explain to people that conflicts do not just manifest out of thin air. Those conflicts were ALWAYS there and it is just that learning the ability to mange a fear of conflict, also gives the gift of developing a talent to spot conflicts that you previously did not read as conflict signals.
For example, part of learning to deal with a fear of conflict is to identify your deal breakers and boundaries. Once you know where your boundaries are, then you will see all those places where your boundaries are violated (thus seeing the signals of conflicts). Until you know yourself enough to be able to articulate your boundaries, you will be unable to manage your fear of conflict because you will not be able to properly put your finger on where the conflict actually exists.
The Irony is that you are much more likely to lose what you have if you do not allow for conflicts to surface. People who are too scared to talk it out because they are scared to lose a partner, inevitably end up in situations where they are unable to feel trust in their partners (or vice-versa) because of the silent resentment that slowly builds between them.
Resentment kills intimacy. If you have conflicts, you MUST communicate and work them out; otherwise, those conflicts will kill any potential that you would have originally had to make your relationships successful. To summarize, a relationship that cannot handle conflict is a relationship that is destined for doom.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Get Out Of Your Own Way
By Frank Kermit
One of the biggest obstacles that a person can have as an obstruction on their path of finding happiness, peace and healing for their love live, is themselves. Although most people would welcome a change in their lives regarding the things they are less than content with, most people are not actually interested in the hard work that it may sometimes take to make such changes a permanent reality.
Changing the status of your love life is not a pleasant process, even if the resulting outcome is extremely desirable. The loving pot of gold at the end of your rainbow path of personal development is a goal that requires a person to literally burn parts of themselves away while walking that sunshine colored mountain.
To have something new in your life you have to eliminate certain parts of you that are currently taking up space in your reality. In every change, there is a progression of the self; in every change, there is a little death of the person that once was. Each time you make any step forward in life toward knowledge, and especially self-knowledge, a former part of yourself must die off in order for those new learning’s to take full effect.
The best a Frank-student-of-relationships can hope for is that the part dies off is the part that held on to the comfort of ignorance. If the only thing you lose on your journey of self-discovery is your ignorance, which is a great blessing. Sometimes people feel that they had to give up a sense of innocence in learning the realities surrounding relationships. Sometimes people feel like they had to give up on the hope of a fantasy. Sometimes it just comes down to having to grow up and be an adult about your attitudes and expectations.
The benefit of embracing maturity is that you have the best chance of building the kind of realistic relationships you desire. The price of maturity is the mourning process that takes place when the child you were has to let go of being in control.
“But I don’t want to change!” says the reluctant wanna-be lover. The expectation that the world will work the way they want it to work, and the refusal to accept the harsh realities of expectations unmet, is a sure fire formula to unhappiness. It is called the school of hard knocks, because many of those hard-hitting lessons knock you off your high horse, until you are ready to accept that just wanting something is not enough to get it. You earn what it is you want with hard work.
Your love life is a result of the behaviors you enact every single day. If you want something in your life to change, you must change your own behaviors as a catalyst. If you want a better relationship partner, you have to become a better potential partner yourself FIRST.
That is what you have control over, and that is where the source of your power to change your love life forever comes from. When I started my own personal development, I too took stock in my behaviors at the time to see where I was getting in my own way. I noted two very specific areas that needed to change.
The fact I had little disposable income to pay for more social activities, and the fact I had little disposable time. So I made some changes. One of the things that I changed is that I stopped my hobby of genealogy. Although researching a family tree is a wonderful pass time and I still think it is a valuable exercise, the time I was putting into it was time away from helping myself.
The irony is that I was spending so much time on the roots of my family tree, that I was not doing enough to focus on growing my own branches of it. I decided to put that time and money into a new hobby: dance lessons. In taking stock of the things I wanted to change, one of the listed items was to be able to dance at a wedding. I changed a behavior that was getting me nowhere, for a behavior that would potentially get me more social experience.
Two years later, I danced at a wedding and did such a wonderful performance, that I ended up having a slew of women ask me to dance for rest of the evening. As much as I did miss learning more about my roots, and as completely uncomfortable as I was going to the dance studio and tripping over my feet (mostly because as an overweight person I can not even see my feet), and as anxiety-ridden as my heart was having to actually meet new people and create small talk while attempting to look competent as I lead through a waltz…I have to say that in that moment of being approached by so many women to ask me to dance made me forget so much of the emotionally pain I went through to make that kind of change.
No one has time to help himself or herself fix their loves lives. You MAKE time by actively choosing your priorities, and accepting that the part of you that is holding back, is exactly the part of you that you need to release. Love that part of you because all it was trying to do is keep you safe, but let it go, because it’s job is done. It was only suppose to keep you safe long enough that you would be around to take a chance on love.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
One of the biggest obstacles that a person can have as an obstruction on their path of finding happiness, peace and healing for their love live, is themselves. Although most people would welcome a change in their lives regarding the things they are less than content with, most people are not actually interested in the hard work that it may sometimes take to make such changes a permanent reality.
Changing the status of your love life is not a pleasant process, even if the resulting outcome is extremely desirable. The loving pot of gold at the end of your rainbow path of personal development is a goal that requires a person to literally burn parts of themselves away while walking that sunshine colored mountain.
To have something new in your life you have to eliminate certain parts of you that are currently taking up space in your reality. In every change, there is a progression of the self; in every change, there is a little death of the person that once was. Each time you make any step forward in life toward knowledge, and especially self-knowledge, a former part of yourself must die off in order for those new learning’s to take full effect.
The best a Frank-student-of-relationships can hope for is that the part dies off is the part that held on to the comfort of ignorance. If the only thing you lose on your journey of self-discovery is your ignorance, which is a great blessing. Sometimes people feel that they had to give up a sense of innocence in learning the realities surrounding relationships. Sometimes people feel like they had to give up on the hope of a fantasy. Sometimes it just comes down to having to grow up and be an adult about your attitudes and expectations.
The benefit of embracing maturity is that you have the best chance of building the kind of realistic relationships you desire. The price of maturity is the mourning process that takes place when the child you were has to let go of being in control.
“But I don’t want to change!” says the reluctant wanna-be lover. The expectation that the world will work the way they want it to work, and the refusal to accept the harsh realities of expectations unmet, is a sure fire formula to unhappiness. It is called the school of hard knocks, because many of those hard-hitting lessons knock you off your high horse, until you are ready to accept that just wanting something is not enough to get it. You earn what it is you want with hard work.
Your love life is a result of the behaviors you enact every single day. If you want something in your life to change, you must change your own behaviors as a catalyst. If you want a better relationship partner, you have to become a better potential partner yourself FIRST.
That is what you have control over, and that is where the source of your power to change your love life forever comes from. When I started my own personal development, I too took stock in my behaviors at the time to see where I was getting in my own way. I noted two very specific areas that needed to change.
The fact I had little disposable income to pay for more social activities, and the fact I had little disposable time. So I made some changes. One of the things that I changed is that I stopped my hobby of genealogy. Although researching a family tree is a wonderful pass time and I still think it is a valuable exercise, the time I was putting into it was time away from helping myself.
The irony is that I was spending so much time on the roots of my family tree, that I was not doing enough to focus on growing my own branches of it. I decided to put that time and money into a new hobby: dance lessons. In taking stock of the things I wanted to change, one of the listed items was to be able to dance at a wedding. I changed a behavior that was getting me nowhere, for a behavior that would potentially get me more social experience.
Two years later, I danced at a wedding and did such a wonderful performance, that I ended up having a slew of women ask me to dance for rest of the evening. As much as I did miss learning more about my roots, and as completely uncomfortable as I was going to the dance studio and tripping over my feet (mostly because as an overweight person I can not even see my feet), and as anxiety-ridden as my heart was having to actually meet new people and create small talk while attempting to look competent as I lead through a waltz…I have to say that in that moment of being approached by so many women to ask me to dance made me forget so much of the emotionally pain I went through to make that kind of change.
No one has time to help himself or herself fix their loves lives. You MAKE time by actively choosing your priorities, and accepting that the part of you that is holding back, is exactly the part of you that you need to release. Love that part of you because all it was trying to do is keep you safe, but let it go, because it’s job is done. It was only suppose to keep you safe long enough that you would be around to take a chance on love.
Frank Kermit
