- Published on
Dear Frank:
I am a 52 yr. old female, divorced for almost 2 years. I have been dating a man whom I met on an Internet dating site since July 2011 (almost 1 year post-divorce). We spend almost every weekend together & are very involved in each others lives.
Due to our work schedules, we are not able to see each other during the week, but he does make a point of calling me every evening. It was obvious right from the start that we had that proverbial chemistry. Our chat sessions became more & more intimate.
After approximately 3 weeks of on-line chatting, he asked me for my phone number, which I eagerly gave him. He called me almost immediately. We spoke on the phone daily, sometimes even 2 or 3 times a day, for sometimes 1 to 2 hours at a time.
After about a week of phone calls, he invited me to his house for supper. I know I probably need my head examined for going to a man’s home that I hadn’t even met in person yet, but I accepted. His 10-year-old son would also be there, so I figured I couldn’t be in any danger.
When I arrived at his home, there was an immediate physical attraction to each other & all evening, the sexual tension between us was palpable. We engaged in sexual intercourse that evening. I know, I know, I’m an idiot! I commented to him that I didn’t normally have sex on a first date & he commented that he wasn’t into one night stands, so I had better get used to being with him for a long time to come.
During the first 2 months or so, we were like a couple of teenagers again; we couldn’t wait to be alone with each other. One weekend, shortly after our initial meeting, he invited me to his cottage.
Let me repeat, I know, I know, I’m an idiot for going to a somewhat secluded place where there was nowhere for me to run if necessary, but I felt completely safe with him. Needless to say neither one of us spent any time outdoors that weekend.
My problem is this: since the initial 2 months, the sex has stopped.
We are sleeping in the same bed at his cottage every weekend, he will hold my hand when walking, kiss me, hug me, flirt, but actual intercourse, or anything more than a hug or kiss, has ceased. I have tried everything in the hopes of sparking his interest (flirting, sexy lingerie, back rubs), but to no avail. I have asked him if he no longer was attracted to me, if perhaps there was something I wasn’t doing to please him, or something I was doing that he didn’t like, etc.
He replied that sex had never really been important to him & that it had absolutely nothing to do with me in particular. He said that he thought he felt that way because of the line of work he is in (he runs an x-rated theatre) because he only ever sees women being used as sex toys or being placed in degrading situations.
I am totally confused. On one hand, he is still very attentive towards me, but I found out that he is still visiting, on a daily basis, the same dating site where we met. When I questioned him about it, he claimed he didn’t know how to delete his profile. I explained to him step-by-step how to delete it, but he said his page seemed to be different from mine & he couldn't see anywhere how to delete it.
For a couple of days I accepted his excuse. But, the more I thought about it, the more I found his answer to be ridiculous. So, I created a fake profile & initiated a conversation with him. Posing as a rather good-looking woman, I pointedly asked him if he was currently involved with someone & his response was “no, he wasn’t”. I was astounded.
Now, I don’t know what to do with this information. Why would he lie about his relationship with me? I am utterly confused. He still acts as if we’re in a serious relationship, doing everything a couple usually does together, refers to me as his girlfriend & keeps asking me when I'm going to introduce him to my father, but any physical intimacies have come to a complete halt.
I don’t know what to do or think anymore. Is he just using me until something better comes along? I would really appreciate your professional opinion.
-Extremely Puzzled
Dear E-Puzzled,
My professional opinion is first and foremost to stop beating yourself up and calling yourself names.
Calling yourself an idiot is a bad habit to get into. At best it will make you unattractive to potential good partners and at worst it will damage you on an emotional level. You did nothing wrong. You are a healthy woman who has human needs.
Next, without being able to meet with you both as a couple, I can only form an opinion on what you wrote in your letter, so my scope could be limited. I do not know his relationship history, and I do not know your repeating behavior patterns from your past marriage.
So, if we all did meet in person for a coaching session, I would be looking for such kinds of behavior patterns like if you tend to seek out emotional unavailable men, and if he has kept most of his relations with women limited to sexual interactions.
As I see it, he may have a number of issues going on. He might be over your relationship, but does not have the courage to break up with you, so he is being passive aggressive hoping you will break up the relationship for him.
He may have a fear of intimacy and when your initial relationship was merely sexual he had no problem performing, but now that it seems to have lasted beyond the romance phase, it is challenging him on an emotional level that he is not comfortable with. He could just be a jerk that leads women on because he values a “motherly” attention rather than sex, and tries to rope in as many lonely women into his circle as he can.
Incidentally, to be clear, it is more probable it is not his job that caused him to have a fear of intimacy, but rather his fear of intimacy that led him to that job. Understand?
With all that said, he is not the real issue in this case. You are, as you wrote the letter asking for advice. Your focus cannot be trying to understand why he is acting the way he is acting. Although understanding his motivations can be important, your primary focus must be on YOUR BOUNDARIES.
You may never fully know why he acts the way he does, and quite frankly, who cares? What you are in control of is how you react to his actions. What are your relationship boundaries? For example if sex is important to you, and it is a boundary that you want sex at this stage of your life regularly in your relationships, then it is up to you to communicate that (which you already have) and if he still does not open up or attempt to accommodate you, then leave and find another partner.
For example, let’s say the issue is that he suffers from impotence and was using some kind of medical aid to function sexually at that time…this is something he would need to open up about and be honest with you when reaching the boyfriend/girlfriend stage (he publicly acknowledges you as his girlfriend).
What are your boundaries about his needing medication or sex not being important?
Your boundaries are the deal breakers of what you will and will not tolerate. They have nothing to do with whom you happen to be dating. Boundaries are all about you and your personal value system.
This will include what your boundaries are regarding being lied to, being cheated on, and being sexually rejected. Your boundaries will surely require you to address the issue of your new boyfriend keeping his online dating profile up. (Are you actually telling me that neither of you knows someone that is technical savvy enough to help take down the profile or that you could not have done it for him when next over at his place? Com’on)
I think your instincts are correct about this guy. I would encourage you to learn to trust yourself more. You are not the idiot you claim to be. You know what you need to do.
-Frank
I am a 52 yr. old female, divorced for almost 2 years. I have been dating a man whom I met on an Internet dating site since July 2011 (almost 1 year post-divorce). We spend almost every weekend together & are very involved in each others lives.
Due to our work schedules, we are not able to see each other during the week, but he does make a point of calling me every evening. It was obvious right from the start that we had that proverbial chemistry. Our chat sessions became more & more intimate.
After approximately 3 weeks of on-line chatting, he asked me for my phone number, which I eagerly gave him. He called me almost immediately. We spoke on the phone daily, sometimes even 2 or 3 times a day, for sometimes 1 to 2 hours at a time.
After about a week of phone calls, he invited me to his house for supper. I know I probably need my head examined for going to a man’s home that I hadn’t even met in person yet, but I accepted. His 10-year-old son would also be there, so I figured I couldn’t be in any danger.
When I arrived at his home, there was an immediate physical attraction to each other & all evening, the sexual tension between us was palpable. We engaged in sexual intercourse that evening. I know, I know, I’m an idiot! I commented to him that I didn’t normally have sex on a first date & he commented that he wasn’t into one night stands, so I had better get used to being with him for a long time to come.
During the first 2 months or so, we were like a couple of teenagers again; we couldn’t wait to be alone with each other. One weekend, shortly after our initial meeting, he invited me to his cottage.
Let me repeat, I know, I know, I’m an idiot for going to a somewhat secluded place where there was nowhere for me to run if necessary, but I felt completely safe with him. Needless to say neither one of us spent any time outdoors that weekend.
My problem is this: since the initial 2 months, the sex has stopped.
We are sleeping in the same bed at his cottage every weekend, he will hold my hand when walking, kiss me, hug me, flirt, but actual intercourse, or anything more than a hug or kiss, has ceased. I have tried everything in the hopes of sparking his interest (flirting, sexy lingerie, back rubs), but to no avail. I have asked him if he no longer was attracted to me, if perhaps there was something I wasn’t doing to please him, or something I was doing that he didn’t like, etc.
He replied that sex had never really been important to him & that it had absolutely nothing to do with me in particular. He said that he thought he felt that way because of the line of work he is in (he runs an x-rated theatre) because he only ever sees women being used as sex toys or being placed in degrading situations.
I am totally confused. On one hand, he is still very attentive towards me, but I found out that he is still visiting, on a daily basis, the same dating site where we met. When I questioned him about it, he claimed he didn’t know how to delete his profile. I explained to him step-by-step how to delete it, but he said his page seemed to be different from mine & he couldn't see anywhere how to delete it.
For a couple of days I accepted his excuse. But, the more I thought about it, the more I found his answer to be ridiculous. So, I created a fake profile & initiated a conversation with him. Posing as a rather good-looking woman, I pointedly asked him if he was currently involved with someone & his response was “no, he wasn’t”. I was astounded.
Now, I don’t know what to do with this information. Why would he lie about his relationship with me? I am utterly confused. He still acts as if we’re in a serious relationship, doing everything a couple usually does together, refers to me as his girlfriend & keeps asking me when I'm going to introduce him to my father, but any physical intimacies have come to a complete halt.
I don’t know what to do or think anymore. Is he just using me until something better comes along? I would really appreciate your professional opinion.
-Extremely Puzzled
Dear E-Puzzled,
My professional opinion is first and foremost to stop beating yourself up and calling yourself names.
Calling yourself an idiot is a bad habit to get into. At best it will make you unattractive to potential good partners and at worst it will damage you on an emotional level. You did nothing wrong. You are a healthy woman who has human needs.
Next, without being able to meet with you both as a couple, I can only form an opinion on what you wrote in your letter, so my scope could be limited. I do not know his relationship history, and I do not know your repeating behavior patterns from your past marriage.
So, if we all did meet in person for a coaching session, I would be looking for such kinds of behavior patterns like if you tend to seek out emotional unavailable men, and if he has kept most of his relations with women limited to sexual interactions.
As I see it, he may have a number of issues going on. He might be over your relationship, but does not have the courage to break up with you, so he is being passive aggressive hoping you will break up the relationship for him.
He may have a fear of intimacy and when your initial relationship was merely sexual he had no problem performing, but now that it seems to have lasted beyond the romance phase, it is challenging him on an emotional level that he is not comfortable with. He could just be a jerk that leads women on because he values a “motherly” attention rather than sex, and tries to rope in as many lonely women into his circle as he can.
Incidentally, to be clear, it is more probable it is not his job that caused him to have a fear of intimacy, but rather his fear of intimacy that led him to that job. Understand?
With all that said, he is not the real issue in this case. You are, as you wrote the letter asking for advice. Your focus cannot be trying to understand why he is acting the way he is acting. Although understanding his motivations can be important, your primary focus must be on YOUR BOUNDARIES.
You may never fully know why he acts the way he does, and quite frankly, who cares? What you are in control of is how you react to his actions. What are your relationship boundaries? For example if sex is important to you, and it is a boundary that you want sex at this stage of your life regularly in your relationships, then it is up to you to communicate that (which you already have) and if he still does not open up or attempt to accommodate you, then leave and find another partner.
For example, let’s say the issue is that he suffers from impotence and was using some kind of medical aid to function sexually at that time…this is something he would need to open up about and be honest with you when reaching the boyfriend/girlfriend stage (he publicly acknowledges you as his girlfriend).
What are your boundaries about his needing medication or sex not being important?
Your boundaries are the deal breakers of what you will and will not tolerate. They have nothing to do with whom you happen to be dating. Boundaries are all about you and your personal value system.
This will include what your boundaries are regarding being lied to, being cheated on, and being sexually rejected. Your boundaries will surely require you to address the issue of your new boyfriend keeping his online dating profile up. (Are you actually telling me that neither of you knows someone that is technical savvy enough to help take down the profile or that you could not have done it for him when next over at his place? Com’on)
I think your instincts are correct about this guy. I would encourage you to learn to trust yourself more. You are not the idiot you claim to be. You know what you need to do.
-Frank
- Published on
Dear Frank,
I need advice!! In regards to men & porn. What is "right" and what is "too much"?
I own the house we live in (2nd marriage for me) and he brought in porn from the start.
I put my foot down, told him I didn't want it in the house.
He shouldn't need/use it..he has me, a willing partner.
So he does. Then 8 months later I find a ton of magazines in the garage. His response..."technically it wasn't in the house" - we fight again. All seems resolved.
A year later, I find a ton of magazines hidden in the seat of his car. We go around and around again. Again, he says no more. Again, he lies.
I detest porn. I detest him spending money on it when we need it for other things. I feel he is disrespecting me by lying & continuing with his habit. I tell him he has a problem...he tells me I am a prude.
What do I do? I don't want to divorce over this....but I don't want to be disrespected in my own home either.
HELP!
Detests Porn,
Dear Detest Porn,
I see a couple of issues here.
The first is whether or not the porn is a threat to the marriage or an aid.
For some couples, porn is an aid, as it fills a need so that one or both partners do not stray and have affairs.
For other couples, porn is a threat because it encourages one or both partners to seek out other people.
Do not assume it is always men. Many women enjoy porn too.
The question I have is, is porn an aid or a threat to your relationship.
The next issue is the question of values.
If porn is against your value system, why are you with someone that seeks it out?
It is not about "should"...there is no "should".
You have an intellectual construct about how a willing partner SHOULD be enough.
It obviously is not the case for him. That is a reality you have to deal with. Did you discuss your values before you got married? Did you talk about porn being something at issue with you?
When you did talk about it, were you presenting yourself as someone that can handle truth, or did you present the issues as "You better not ever bring that up!".
It is not your fault you were lied to, but you do have to figure out if you present yourself as being able to handle a Frank discussion about topics you detest, otherwise you encourage people not to be honest with you.
Finally some issues with this situation...you own the house you both live in...to my understanding, when you get married (I assume from your writings you are married) that the assets are shared. If this is wrong, correct me. If it is right, then it is his house too, and although you may detest porn, it is not illegal.
The final question is how your INTERPRETATION of porn is different from his.
You interpret porn as disrespecting you. It seems his interpretation of porn is something else.
Part of this process is to figure out what exactly is the source of your interpretation of porn, and whether or not is an accurate one.
You also have to consider what his interpretation of porn means to him.
THAT is the beginning of figuring out if this is an issue that is an impasse to your relationship or not.
-Frank, because I have to be
I need advice!! In regards to men & porn. What is "right" and what is "too much"?
I own the house we live in (2nd marriage for me) and he brought in porn from the start.
I put my foot down, told him I didn't want it in the house.
He shouldn't need/use it..he has me, a willing partner.
So he does. Then 8 months later I find a ton of magazines in the garage. His response..."technically it wasn't in the house" - we fight again. All seems resolved.
A year later, I find a ton of magazines hidden in the seat of his car. We go around and around again. Again, he says no more. Again, he lies.
I detest porn. I detest him spending money on it when we need it for other things. I feel he is disrespecting me by lying & continuing with his habit. I tell him he has a problem...he tells me I am a prude.
What do I do? I don't want to divorce over this....but I don't want to be disrespected in my own home either.
HELP!
Detests Porn,
Dear Detest Porn,
I see a couple of issues here.
The first is whether or not the porn is a threat to the marriage or an aid.
For some couples, porn is an aid, as it fills a need so that one or both partners do not stray and have affairs.
For other couples, porn is a threat because it encourages one or both partners to seek out other people.
Do not assume it is always men. Many women enjoy porn too.
The question I have is, is porn an aid or a threat to your relationship.
The next issue is the question of values.
If porn is against your value system, why are you with someone that seeks it out?
It is not about "should"...there is no "should".
You have an intellectual construct about how a willing partner SHOULD be enough.
It obviously is not the case for him. That is a reality you have to deal with. Did you discuss your values before you got married? Did you talk about porn being something at issue with you?
When you did talk about it, were you presenting yourself as someone that can handle truth, or did you present the issues as "You better not ever bring that up!".
It is not your fault you were lied to, but you do have to figure out if you present yourself as being able to handle a Frank discussion about topics you detest, otherwise you encourage people not to be honest with you.
Finally some issues with this situation...you own the house you both live in...to my understanding, when you get married (I assume from your writings you are married) that the assets are shared. If this is wrong, correct me. If it is right, then it is his house too, and although you may detest porn, it is not illegal.
The final question is how your INTERPRETATION of porn is different from his.
You interpret porn as disrespecting you. It seems his interpretation of porn is something else.
Part of this process is to figure out what exactly is the source of your interpretation of porn, and whether or not is an accurate one.
You also have to consider what his interpretation of porn means to him.
THAT is the beginning of figuring out if this is an issue that is an impasse to your relationship or not.
-Frank, because I have to be
- Published on
Frank Advice: Dating Questions and Answers
FRANK KERMIT GIVES FRANK ADVICE
Dear Readers,
Sometimes I answer questions on various sites online as I find them.
I occasionally post the question (edited) as my Frank Advice answer here on my blog.
Names have been changed to protect privacy.
(As much privacy as one can expect posting a question online using their real names).
Sometimes I answer questions on various sites online as I find them.
I occasionally post the question (edited) as my Frank Advice answer here on my blog.
Names have been changed to protect privacy.
(As much privacy as one can expect posting a question online using their real names).
The Question:
Dear Frank,
Say you're at the gym, so you meet two girls (who happen to be very close friends). Talked to one first, made her laugh a bit then walked away and when ran into her again about 5 minutes after, she kept talking to me and introduced me to her friend (which happens to be very cute as well), so we talked for a bit and when I was going to go away I just asked them if they are on Facebook, just saying let's be friends, so they both added me on Facebook.
I wouldn't mind with going out and proceeding further with either of them, however I can only do that with one of them (for obvious reasons). I'm indifferent on which one, both of them are very close to each other and both of them are single, so if I ask one out she will for sure tell the other one
How would you proceed to meet one of the girls again? Message both? message one? I have some stuff in mind on how to proceed, but would love to know your opinion
-Caught in between
Dear Frank,
Say you're at the gym, so you meet two girls (who happen to be very close friends). Talked to one first, made her laugh a bit then walked away and when ran into her again about 5 minutes after, she kept talking to me and introduced me to her friend (which happens to be very cute as well), so we talked for a bit and when I was going to go away I just asked them if they are on Facebook, just saying let's be friends, so they both added me on Facebook.
I wouldn't mind with going out and proceeding further with either of them, however I can only do that with one of them (for obvious reasons). I'm indifferent on which one, both of them are very close to each other and both of them are single, so if I ask one out she will for sure tell the other one
How would you proceed to meet one of the girls again? Message both? message one? I have some stuff in mind on how to proceed, but would love to know your opinion
-Caught in between
Dear Between,
Since you do not see the possibility of dating them both, and you feel you need to choose one over the other, I would suggest that you set up a social circle event (click that link to see the book on social circle dating) and invite them both, as part of a larger group. See through their actions which one would want to date you. Go with that.
You will be able to better see which one you are more compatible with, and in the even one of them likes you more than the other, you will be able to spot that if you know what the signs are that someone is attracted to you. (If you do not know this, sign up for my coaching program).
With that said, be mindful that you do have the option of dating more than one person at a time, and there are ways to initiate conversations to see what is possible with these two friends, without coming across as inappropriate.
For the time being, find out what common interests all three of you have, and set up some social circle events for all of you (and additional friends) to attend and get to know each other.
-Frank, Because I have to be
Originally published July 18, 2016, updated on April 20, 2018
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- Published on
If you are seeking a serious long-term relationship, specifically, a relationship that would eventually lead to marriage and wearing beautiful wedding rings together, you will have to eventually make a choice one-day between your spouse and your friends.
At some point, you will be faced with a situation where your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse will be in conflict. It is at that point, if you have not already made your parameters clear, you will be forced to do so.
At some point, you will be faced with a situation where your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse will be in conflict. It is at that point, if you have not already made your parameters clear, you will be forced to do so.
Choosing Between Friends vs Lovers
For that reason, when I work with coaching clients who are single and looking for a life partner, I encourage them to start thinking about what those boundaries would be, and to start defining them now, while single, so that when they do enter into a serious relationship, they are ready to manage their new spouse and their existing friendships.
Not everyone has this dilemma. Some people are already well aware of their personal priorities and know exactly where they personally will draw the line. While others, may have never contemplated that there would ever be a conflict between the two sides. Yet there are a few others who simply do not want to even discuss potential conflict resolutions for a variety of reasons.
So here is an example:
You and your spouse have been working very hard on saving up for a down payment on a house. You both work long hours and have sacrificed much to get to the point where you have that 20% down payment ready in order to qualify for a mortgage. Next week, you will seek out a real estate agent and start house hunting. Then you get a call from one of your friends. Your friend is in trouble. It is something serious, and your friend has no one else to turn too. Your friend needs a large sum of money. Let’s assume that without that money, your friend is going to go through immanent hardship. You could be in a position to lend your friend your share of the money you have saved up for the house down payment. You talk to your spouse and your spouse refuses.
Do you choose your friend (who has helped you out more than anyone can know), or your spouse who you want to build a future life with that might leave you if you side with your friend?
I have left elements of the story very vague for the reader to fill in. Questions such as, is it a life and death situation? Are children with the spouse already involved in this decision? Are there no other options for the couple to get a mortgage at a cheaper down payment or other sources for the friend to reach out to for this money? Looking at this question as well as the value systems of each individual is part of the pre-marriage coaching program I take new couples through, to prepare them for the eventual choice they will have to make between their spouse and their friends.
Now, what if the situation wasn’t so serious or so dire? What if the issue is simply a matter of your spouse and friends not getting along? What if the issue might be that your friend never fully accepted your spouse into your life and takes passive aggressive measures to influence a rift between you both as a couple? What if your spouse is simply suspicious of your friend, even though your friend has not overtly done anything inappropriate to your knowledge? What if it is simply a matter that your spouse and your friend are not willing to tolerate each other? Where would you draw the line then?
What comes up in a pre-marriage coaching session often surprises the individuals of the couple as they express to each other their thoughts, feelings, and expectations on this subject.
What I will say to conclude this article is that if and when you choose someone to commit to as a spouse, that commitment comes with certain obligations and expectations. Be clear as to what you are expecting, and communicate that with your partner, as well as, make sure your partner communicates the same with you.
If you plan to dedicate your life and everything you own and every resource you will ever earn to another human being, it is important to know what conditions come along with that commitment, what strings attached may be in place (if any) and where each of you draws the lines between your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse.
I promise you, that if you do not talk about it before you get committed, you will surely talk about it, after you commit and a situation forces the conversation. The choice is going to be calling on you to make it. Do what you can now to be ready.
A broken engagement is far better than a happy divorce.
Frank Kermit
Not everyone has this dilemma. Some people are already well aware of their personal priorities and know exactly where they personally will draw the line. While others, may have never contemplated that there would ever be a conflict between the two sides. Yet there are a few others who simply do not want to even discuss potential conflict resolutions for a variety of reasons.
So here is an example:
You and your spouse have been working very hard on saving up for a down payment on a house. You both work long hours and have sacrificed much to get to the point where you have that 20% down payment ready in order to qualify for a mortgage. Next week, you will seek out a real estate agent and start house hunting. Then you get a call from one of your friends. Your friend is in trouble. It is something serious, and your friend has no one else to turn too. Your friend needs a large sum of money. Let’s assume that without that money, your friend is going to go through immanent hardship. You could be in a position to lend your friend your share of the money you have saved up for the house down payment. You talk to your spouse and your spouse refuses.
Do you choose your friend (who has helped you out more than anyone can know), or your spouse who you want to build a future life with that might leave you if you side with your friend?
I have left elements of the story very vague for the reader to fill in. Questions such as, is it a life and death situation? Are children with the spouse already involved in this decision? Are there no other options for the couple to get a mortgage at a cheaper down payment or other sources for the friend to reach out to for this money? Looking at this question as well as the value systems of each individual is part of the pre-marriage coaching program I take new couples through, to prepare them for the eventual choice they will have to make between their spouse and their friends.
Now, what if the situation wasn’t so serious or so dire? What if the issue is simply a matter of your spouse and friends not getting along? What if the issue might be that your friend never fully accepted your spouse into your life and takes passive aggressive measures to influence a rift between you both as a couple? What if your spouse is simply suspicious of your friend, even though your friend has not overtly done anything inappropriate to your knowledge? What if it is simply a matter that your spouse and your friend are not willing to tolerate each other? Where would you draw the line then?
What comes up in a pre-marriage coaching session often surprises the individuals of the couple as they express to each other their thoughts, feelings, and expectations on this subject.
What I will say to conclude this article is that if and when you choose someone to commit to as a spouse, that commitment comes with certain obligations and expectations. Be clear as to what you are expecting, and communicate that with your partner, as well as, make sure your partner communicates the same with you.
If you plan to dedicate your life and everything you own and every resource you will ever earn to another human being, it is important to know what conditions come along with that commitment, what strings attached may be in place (if any) and where each of you draws the lines between your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse.
I promise you, that if you do not talk about it before you get committed, you will surely talk about it, after you commit and a situation forces the conversation. The choice is going to be calling on you to make it. Do what you can now to be ready.
A broken engagement is far better than a happy divorce.
Frank Kermit
If you have a question about if you should listen to your lover or if you should listen to your friends, and you need an outside opinion,
CONTACT FRANK
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Your Partner vs. Your Friends
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- Published on
Relationship Ultimatums
Ultimatums In Love
By Frank Kermit
Ultimatums can come up in any and all relationships. Even the best relationships can face a crisis point where an ultimatum is necessary and uttered.
Ultimatums are not pleasant, neither for the person issuing it, nor for the person on the receiving end of it.
However, if a relationship can get past the ultimatum, and resolve the crisis point, it can be one of the hurdles that will help the relationship survive into the future.
An ultimatum is NOT a sign that you are with the wrong partner.
If you find yourself in a position where you feel the need to issue an ultimatum to your partner, it tends to be a sign that you have not communicated your needs and boundaries directly enough.
This is especially the case when the resentment or the desire to make the ultimatum has been brewing for quite some time.
I often find in my practice that those people who fall into the category of "people pleasers" tend to shy away from conflict and then, after the frustration builds up, will explode with anger and ultimatums, in part because, the build up became so overwhelming it was too painful not to deal with their fear of conflict.
If these individuals would have communicated with their partners as the issues came up, instead of shying away from discussing topics that may be momentarily unpleasant, the entire blow up process may have never come to pass.
Some of the more common ultimatums that I see in my practice are with couples that are either struggling to move to the next level of commitment (becoming exclusive, start living together, getting engaged, setting the wedding date, having children) or those couples that are facing some kind of perceived threat (staying in touch with an ex who will not give up trying to rekindle).
However, an ultimatum can be about anything that one partner seriously requires a change with that without complying with said ultimatum, might bring about the desire to end the relationship.
Some couples want a partner to take better care of health issues (like quitting drugs) and others demand a change in lifestyle, and even a move to a completely different home.
The ultimatum itself is actually less important than the way it is communicated.
If you are going to issue an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, be direct, be clear and firm about what you need changed and why it is very important to you.
No screaming, no name calling, no personal attacks.
Start off by telling your partner that you want to set aside some time to talk about something important to you and to schedule it when you feel your partner would be most receptive (such as a Saturday night after a day of rest, instead of a Monday morning just before a big presentation at work).
If you are on the receiving end of an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, listen, ask questions to be sure you are clear about what your partner needs and why it is important, listen some more, and leave your ego at the door as much as you can.
Even if your partner is not saying it in a way that you are happy about, try to put your compassion for your partner ahead of your offended ego.
When your partner is communicating an ultimatum to you, your partner is in fact acting like your best friend.
Your partner is giving you a full chance to take control of a situation by bringing his or her discontentment to your attention.
This is actually much better than a partner deciding not to confront you, and potentially doing something behind your back out of emotional vengeance, or simply surprising you with a break up, without ever giving your relationship a chance.
That is why you have to be grateful for the ultimatum, even if you despise what you may be hearing.
Now, what if you and your partner have reached an impasse?
What if the ultimatum is about something that you either are not sure is a good idea to agree too, or if it is something that is completely against your value system.
For example, your partner cannot abide any longer having your aging and ill health parent live in the same house as your family, but you do not want to relocate your parent to a special care senior’s residence.
What do you do then, when your values have reached a crisis point of incompatibility?
In situations like this, it is often a good idea to seek out the help of a professional who can offer an objective point of view and can assess if anyone is being unreasonable.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Ultimatums can come up in any and all relationships. Even the best relationships can face a crisis point where an ultimatum is necessary and uttered.
Ultimatums are not pleasant, neither for the person issuing it, nor for the person on the receiving end of it.
However, if a relationship can get past the ultimatum, and resolve the crisis point, it can be one of the hurdles that will help the relationship survive into the future.
An ultimatum is NOT a sign that you are with the wrong partner.
If you find yourself in a position where you feel the need to issue an ultimatum to your partner, it tends to be a sign that you have not communicated your needs and boundaries directly enough.
This is especially the case when the resentment or the desire to make the ultimatum has been brewing for quite some time.
I often find in my practice that those people who fall into the category of "people pleasers" tend to shy away from conflict and then, after the frustration builds up, will explode with anger and ultimatums, in part because, the build up became so overwhelming it was too painful not to deal with their fear of conflict.
If these individuals would have communicated with their partners as the issues came up, instead of shying away from discussing topics that may be momentarily unpleasant, the entire blow up process may have never come to pass.
Some of the more common ultimatums that I see in my practice are with couples that are either struggling to move to the next level of commitment (becoming exclusive, start living together, getting engaged, setting the wedding date, having children) or those couples that are facing some kind of perceived threat (staying in touch with an ex who will not give up trying to rekindle).
However, an ultimatum can be about anything that one partner seriously requires a change with that without complying with said ultimatum, might bring about the desire to end the relationship.
Some couples want a partner to take better care of health issues (like quitting drugs) and others demand a change in lifestyle, and even a move to a completely different home.
The ultimatum itself is actually less important than the way it is communicated.
If you are going to issue an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, be direct, be clear and firm about what you need changed and why it is very important to you.
No screaming, no name calling, no personal attacks.
Start off by telling your partner that you want to set aside some time to talk about something important to you and to schedule it when you feel your partner would be most receptive (such as a Saturday night after a day of rest, instead of a Monday morning just before a big presentation at work).
If you are on the receiving end of an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, listen, ask questions to be sure you are clear about what your partner needs and why it is important, listen some more, and leave your ego at the door as much as you can.
Even if your partner is not saying it in a way that you are happy about, try to put your compassion for your partner ahead of your offended ego.
When your partner is communicating an ultimatum to you, your partner is in fact acting like your best friend.
Your partner is giving you a full chance to take control of a situation by bringing his or her discontentment to your attention.
This is actually much better than a partner deciding not to confront you, and potentially doing something behind your back out of emotional vengeance, or simply surprising you with a break up, without ever giving your relationship a chance.
That is why you have to be grateful for the ultimatum, even if you despise what you may be hearing.
Now, what if you and your partner have reached an impasse?
What if the ultimatum is about something that you either are not sure is a good idea to agree too, or if it is something that is completely against your value system.
For example, your partner cannot abide any longer having your aging and ill health parent live in the same house as your family, but you do not want to relocate your parent to a special care senior’s residence.
What do you do then, when your values have reached a crisis point of incompatibility?
In situations like this, it is often a good idea to seek out the help of a professional who can offer an objective point of view and can assess if anyone is being unreasonable.
Frank Kermit
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- Published on
Waiting For Your Partner To Change
Waiting For Your Partner To Change
By Frank Kermit
Can people change? Yes, people can change.
If you are in a relationship with someone, and wondering if the person you are with can change, the answer is yes, most anyone can change, if the person can make the commitment to change, the capacity to see it through, and the relative motivation to stick to it through the change process (which can be very challenging at times).
The question is not if the person you are with (or interested in being with) can change. The question you need to be asking is whether or not you wait for that person to change.
The focus is always best directed on the things you can control such as your decision to stay or go, and not on the things you cannot control such as whether or not your partner actually makes a change.
In my practice, I often find myself helping individuals shift their focus from trying to get a partner to change, to focusing instead on why the individual would seek out a partner that needs to perform some kind of change in order to make the relationship work.
It can be an eye opening experience, and a hard shot to the ego, for individuals to realize they may be self sabotaging their chances at being in an emotionally healthy happily satisfying relationship with someone new, by always choosing to date people that must change in order for any relationship to function.
When seeking a long-term partner, a key ingredient to relationship success is to find someone that you can take as is. If the person you are attracted too must change something in order to continue to be in a long-term relationship with you, it is best not to attempt to get serious with that person to begin with.
You do not get serious with someone because of who that person may become in a few years time. You get serious with someone because of who he or she is RIGHT NOW. And if the person he or she is RIGHT NOW is not good enough for you, do not commit.
Time is a resource that is irreplaceable and unreplenishable. When you hang around someone that is not ready or willing to change in order for your relationship to get serious or move to the next level, you are wasting your time.
The time you lose lingering is time you will never get back. More importantly, it is time that you could have used to find someone that is ALREADY the person that you can have a serious relationship with RIGHT NOW.
If you are dating someone that needs to change in order for the two of you to be more serious together, and your partner is dragging his or her heels about it, do not put your life on hold waiting for your partner to change.
It is OK to have hope that your partner will change, but do not cut yourself off from meeting and dating new people, while you hope that the person you currently favor will change to meet your needs. Use the time your partner needs to change to explore all of your other relationship options.
There are certain situations where waiting for a certain change in your partner to take your relationship to the next level makes sense. For example, waiting for both you and your partner to finish an education and get a career started before starting a family, is the kind of waiting for a partner to change that makes some sense, because there is already a willingness and existing commitment in place.
However, there are certain decisions are too important to wait on such as moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, having children, and other values individuals may consider very important such as moving to a new city, changing religion, getting sober, or legally ending a pervious relationship status.
When everything else has been discussed, and you have acted reasonable with realistic expectations, and it is just a matter of taking that next step, and your partner is either not able, nor willing, then you may need to take some time for yourself to evaluate if your partner is worth the wait.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
10 Signs of Avoiding Commitment
Ten Signs Of Avoiding Commitment
By Frank Kermit
There are signs that the person you are dating has no real intention of ever committing to you, even if you are being led on with the person saying that one day in the future they will commit. In many of those cases, your partner is sticking around for reasons that have nothing to do with a desire to be with you for good.
Those reasons tend to be all about sticking around because you are good-for-now. Sometimes a partner stays with you until someone they like more comes along. Sometimes, your partner is not in a financial situation that allows him or her to leave comfortably, so your partner continues to be with you, for now.
Sometimes the reason a person stays is as simple as you continue to have sex, and it is easier to get sex from you, than it is to seek out a new sexual partner. Whatever the reason, you are being mislead to think there is a possible future together, when in fact, your partner already knows, that what you have together is a time-limited affair.
Here are some signs that your partner has no intention of ever committing.
1-Refusing to set any dates or deadlines (for a wedding, birth of a planned child, engagement date). Any lacks of deadlines are signs of lack of seriousness
2-Displays a fear of being alone, or mentions never being able to find a better partner. Low self-esteem can keep a person from leaving temporarily, BUT that same LSE also stops them from moving to the next level.
3-Massive fear of divorce. If this conversation comes up all too often, your partner is trying to tell you, without directly telling you, that the idea of serious commitment is not an option.
4-When every discussion about getting serious turns into having sex. This is a distraction ploy where sex is used to reassure a person that he or she is wanted, and helps avoid any talk in the moment about future commitment.
5-Wanting to wait to save up a certain financial amount to be spent on the wedding. The key here is that the person is not actively saving said amount. If they are not saving for the wedding, they are not planning to have one.
6-When your partner constantly tries to push your boundaries on things that you are not interested in doing. A partner that cannot accept you as-is, is a partner that is not planning a future with you.
7-Your partner puts family, friends and hobbies, ahead of very meaningful moments in your life. If your partner would rather hang out with friends instead of celebrating an important moment in your life, that is a major red flag.
8-Your partner limits your contact with their family, and extended family. This one is tricky, because some manipulators do involve their short-term romances with their families, so be alert to the other signs as well.
9-Your partner shows no interest in getting a life plan in order, which shows no motivation or urgency to plan a future with you. People without a life plan, are less likely to be able to stick to any commitment they make, so it is easier just not to make any commitment to keep options open.
10-Your partner insists on multiple versions of birth control to make sure that nothing -bad- happens up to and including not having sex anymore. Yes, a person will stop having sex with you, but still claim to want to be in a relationship with you. Normally, it usually turns out the other person has already starting to see someone new, and is hoping that you will be the mean one and break up with them, to allow them to play the victim publicly.
One of the worst things that can happen when you are seeking a serious commitment is to have your precious time wasted. The easiest way to avoid these situations, is to have your boundaries and rules in place, and when you see that your partner is not living up to the boundaries you set, then please do assume the role of the -mean one- and end it, and put your time towards someone that does want to commit to you.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
The Problem is YOU
The Common Element in
All Your Dating Dilemmas
By Frank Kermit
You. Yes, you. The common element in all of your dating dilemmas is and will always be you.
In my practice, I often get asked questions pertaining to why there are no good women, or no good men out in the world.
Specifically, I am asked why every woman out there is malicious, and asked why every man out there is a jerk?
The answer is, not every woman out there is malicious and not every man out there is a jerk.
However, if every single person YOU have dated all seem to have the exact same problematic characteristics, then perhaps it is time to ask, if you might be part of the problem.
It is always possible that even the most level headed of us occasionally makes a bad choice, or is mistaken once in a while in terms of our ability to judge a character.
There are manipulators in the world who are masterfully skilled in lying and deception that even some of the most astute individuals may fall victim to.
There is no shame in being fooled once. That is part of the learning process of life experience. However, if you fall prey to these kinds of romantic hooligans on multiple paths to romance havens, it is time to check your love-compass for a tune up.
The common element is not that every guy or gal you dated cheated on you, lied to you, swindled you out of money, hurt you, broke promises to you, wrecked your car, got you arrested, hit you, hid a major secret from you, played mind games on you or anything else you want to add to the list of charges.
The common element is that you keep choosing to date people that exhibit these characteristics and refuse to learn to pay attention to red flags.
You may not always be able to choose the people you are attracted to, but you are always in control of your choices in terms of whom you date. However, there is something you can do about it right now to keep you from repeating this behavior pattern.
Identify some personal boundaries about what you deem unacceptable behavior towards you, communicate those boundaries early on in the dating process when you meet someone new, and if that person crosses your boundaries in small ways at the beginning, you walk away before you give that person a chance to majorly violate those boundaries later on.
The ability to follow your own personal rules for the standards regarding how you require to be treated by others, is one of the best, and sometimes the only sure fire way to assert your boundaries, and pull yourself out of a questionable or bad situation. This cannot be based on how you feel in the moment.
In the moment, if you are used to being mistreated when dating, it may actually feel inappropriate, or even wrong, to end dating someone that you may already be attached too.
That is why clear boundaries are so important. They are the guidelines you must follow, even when your heart is clouding your head with emotional screams of excuses, hopes and justifications.
Thus, even when your heart can be misguided, and your mind may be confused; your boundaries will always guide you to your best option for long-term happiness. It’s all in you.
Frank Kermit
All Your Dating Dilemmas
By Frank Kermit
You. Yes, you. The common element in all of your dating dilemmas is and will always be you.
In my practice, I often get asked questions pertaining to why there are no good women, or no good men out in the world.
Specifically, I am asked why every woman out there is malicious, and asked why every man out there is a jerk?
The answer is, not every woman out there is malicious and not every man out there is a jerk.
However, if every single person YOU have dated all seem to have the exact same problematic characteristics, then perhaps it is time to ask, if you might be part of the problem.
It is always possible that even the most level headed of us occasionally makes a bad choice, or is mistaken once in a while in terms of our ability to judge a character.
There are manipulators in the world who are masterfully skilled in lying and deception that even some of the most astute individuals may fall victim to.
There is no shame in being fooled once. That is part of the learning process of life experience. However, if you fall prey to these kinds of romantic hooligans on multiple paths to romance havens, it is time to check your love-compass for a tune up.
The common element is not that every guy or gal you dated cheated on you, lied to you, swindled you out of money, hurt you, broke promises to you, wrecked your car, got you arrested, hit you, hid a major secret from you, played mind games on you or anything else you want to add to the list of charges.
The common element is that you keep choosing to date people that exhibit these characteristics and refuse to learn to pay attention to red flags.
You may not always be able to choose the people you are attracted to, but you are always in control of your choices in terms of whom you date. However, there is something you can do about it right now to keep you from repeating this behavior pattern.
Identify some personal boundaries about what you deem unacceptable behavior towards you, communicate those boundaries early on in the dating process when you meet someone new, and if that person crosses your boundaries in small ways at the beginning, you walk away before you give that person a chance to majorly violate those boundaries later on.
The ability to follow your own personal rules for the standards regarding how you require to be treated by others, is one of the best, and sometimes the only sure fire way to assert your boundaries, and pull yourself out of a questionable or bad situation. This cannot be based on how you feel in the moment.
In the moment, if you are used to being mistreated when dating, it may actually feel inappropriate, or even wrong, to end dating someone that you may already be attached too.
That is why clear boundaries are so important. They are the guidelines you must follow, even when your heart is clouding your head with emotional screams of excuses, hopes and justifications.
Thus, even when your heart can be misguided, and your mind may be confused; your boundaries will always guide you to your best option for long-term happiness. It’s all in you.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Dating the Ex of Your Friend
Dating Your Friend's EX
By Frank Kermit
A question that comes up, more often than not from younger adults, than from older clients is: What are the rules about dating the ex of your friend?
Younger people have more to consider when dating the ex of a friend. It is not just the loss of the friendship that is at risk, but it could cost him or her an entire social circle, and a reputation that could make their world much more challenging.
Older people tend to be more independent, better able to stand up for themselves, and life experience has taught them that even the best of friendships may not last forever, and a successful loving relationship can actually be worth the risk of losing a friendship.
With all that said, here are some tips about dating the ex of a friend.
First, be mindful if your friend has any expectation of being asked permission. Some people really expect to be asked for permission before a friend dates his or her ex.
That expectation also comes with the notion that if your friend says no, you will hold off dating the ex, no matter how you feel about that person.
In my teachings, I let people know that no one, including your friends, need to approve of who you date, including if it is an ex of theirs.
This is unrealistic, as by the time a new couple realizes there is something they want to explore, the time for permissions has likely already passed.
However unrealistic, it can be quite popular with certain individuals.
Second, some friends do not have the expectation that permission will be sought (that is good and realistic), but they may still have the inclination to expect that the new couple will reach out and tell the friend directly about the new relationship.
Once again, this is not realistic as the relationship could have started spontaneously, or even started in secret to keep things less complicated in case things did not work out right at the beginning.
Part of the problem is that friends tend to share way too many details about their love life with one another, that when something is not shared for any reason, it can be interpreted as a sign of disrespect.
This is why the best course of action is to never get into the habit of sharing too many details about your love life with your friends.
There are some things your friends do not need to ever know, and in truth, you are under no obligation to share such information.
With that all said, if you are going to date the ex of a friend, and your friendship with that person is very meaningful to you, and is a friendship that you wish to make efforts to maintain, there is nothing wrong with reaching out to your friend, and letting your friend know that you and the ex have begun dating.
Do you have to do it? No.
Will this type of behavior automatically save or maintain your friendship? There is no guarantee.
Could your new partner (the ex), be miffed at you talking to your friend in this way? Possibly.
However, life is about making choices, and it is up to you to decide how you will choose to deal with this dating dilemma.
If you are stuck, trying to figure out if you should withdraw from dating the ex of your friend, if you should do it in secret, if you should reach out and ask permission or just let your friend know directly what is going on, or if you should just date who you want to date, and accept the consequences no matter what happens, then consider this:
If the situation were reversed, what are your expectations if a friend of yours ended up dating an ex of yours?
At the very least, it is a starting point.
- Published on
When your ex starts to date again
When Your Ex Starts Dating Again
By Frank Kermit
Break ups can be hard. Even the most amicable ending to a relationship, can still be an unpleasant experience.
At that point, the issue is not trying to avoid the negative feelings, as much as, trying to manage those feelings, until such a time as you can reach a point of peace, perhaps even forgiveness of yourself and your ex partner, where you can accept the existence of your ex without cringing.
With all that said, I do find a particular aspect comes up in my practice that is a sore spot for some people after a break up and that is the moment when your ex starts dating again.
When you break up with someone, you are, knowingly or not, declaring that the now ex-partner is free to date anyone and everyone other than you.
After all, if you are ending the relationship, you are setting yourself, and the other person, free to find better-suited partners.
On some level most people understand this consciously. However, the reality of the emotional impact of a break up may only fully set in, when you discover your ex is dating someone new.
That impact can be even more devastating, when it is revealed that your ex, is actually now dating someone you know. Incidentally it happens a lot more that people anticipate.
After all, after a break up and available to date someone new, most people find it easier to explore all the contacts they already have (including your mutual social circles) than to deal with the headaches associated with putting oneself out there to meet a totally new group of individuals to get to know and date.
Yes, your friends, your friend's friends, your neighbors, and sometimes even your work relations or even family members tend to be your ex's new immediate lovers (at least from a statistically point of view).
At times, people break up with their partners with the mindset of "I-am-breaking-up-with-you-to-teach-you-a-lesson-but-will-get-back-together-after-I-scare-you-with-it".
This little game destroys more than it ever creates through a number of factors including the fact that it creates the opportunity for someone else to make a move on your partner that has just been waiting for the right moment.
All head games cause cracks in the original foundation of your relationship; cracks that will bring about the actual real break up.
Never play head games.
One of the most important principles in the ethics of dating is that no person should interfere in any meaningful way the opportunity for any one person to find, meet and date a potential soul mate.
If you made the decision to end a relationship and your ex hooks a new partner who comes in the form of someone you know, be mindful that instead of feeling betrayed, practice being happy for them.
Your ex and that other person you know are not cheating on you.
There is no cheating because you ended the relationship.
There is no infidelity and no wrong doing here.
You do not own your ex, and you do not own the person you know.
If they start dating after you officially ended things, it means they are following up on the same personal right that you have; the right to find someone new to date when they are both emotionally available.
If you turn your partner into your ex, and that ex starts dating someone you know, it does not mean your ex never loved you.
It does not mean your friend wasn't your friend.
It does not mean you are easy to get over. It does not mean you are a loser.
It does not mean you were set up. It does not mean anyone lied to you.
It does not mean you were betrayed.
It does not mean you weren't loved.
All it means is that someone that you rejected has done the right thing: moved on to explore an interest in someone else that wants to be with him or her.
Should an ex inform you of who they are dating next, if that person happens to be someone you know? Should that friend tell you?
The answer is no one is obligated to tell you anything about his or her private love life. Not your ex, and not anyone dating your ex.
Breaking up with someone is equal to telling your ex that his or her love life, is no longer any of your business.
Think about that next time you want to break up with someone, and be sure that you are certain that you are ready for the consequences of a break up.
Frank Kermit
