- Published on
Breaks Ups and the Children of Your Ex
Breakups and the Children of your Ex
By Frank Kermit
Breakups can be messy, especially when there are children involved. If the break up involves the court system, they get worse.
The rules can be pretty clear when the children belong to both parents in the couple breaking up.
However, when the children involved only belong to one of the individuals of the relationship that is ending, it can be really heart-wrenching for some adults to find out they may not have any say in continuing a relationship with the children of a former partner.
In cases where a single parent has started seriously dating another adult, the lines about what role that new adult can play in a child’s life can be very blurry, especially in cases where the relationship, although serious and long term, may never have involved marriage, and/or the adoption of the child by the new adult partner, or even the couple living together.
However influential and a positive impact an adult in a relationship with a single parent may have had with the single parent’s child, it may not merit an ongoing association with that child when the romantic relationship ends.
In the case where children are minors, the child’s parent (who is a newly-single parent again) may be well within their rights to forbid any sort of interaction between his or her child and the former partner.
This can be a horrible situation for the former partner who may have bonded with the child, and for the child that could have an attachment to the former partner.
It is important that the best interest of the children involved are kept in the forefront of any decision about how the couple will handle the end of their relationship and to factor in those best interests, even if you no longer like your former partner.
With that said, it is also important to assess how worthwhile it will be for the children to continue to associate with a former partner that is no longer involved with the children’s parent, and the context of the break up.
For example, if continuing to associate with the children would interfere with the single parent’s new relationship opportunity for a more serious partner that wants to step up to being a legal step parent, it may be wise to terminate the association.
As most relationships between adults tend to not last a significant duration (relative to how a child experiences the time) it is often a good idea not to introduce new partners to your children until a definite commitment and plan has been made to take your serious long term relationship to the next level to the point where the new partner would take on a family role as a legal step parent.
If you are a couple in the process of breaking up and there are children involved in your relationship that have bonded to the former partner, make sure that you and your former partner plan a proper exit strategy that takes into consideration how the former partner will or will not be involved in the lives of the children of the single parent because that extra dose of maturity is what is in the best interest of your children, your step children, and the children of your partner.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Mementos of the Ex: Stay or Go?
The Ex Mementos:
Should They Stay or Should They Go?
By Frank Kermit
I was listening to a radio show where the hosts were discussing a subject that I often see in my practice when counseling couples.
The situation was that the host, who was newly married, had discovered that his wife was in the possession of a ring that had been given to her by an ex of hers.
Some of the questions that came up in the discussion included if he should be worried about it, was it a sign she was not over her ex, should she have gotten rid of the ring when she got married, why he was not told about it, and if he should request that she get rid of it.
Just to be clear, the ring was a gift when she and her ex were dating, but the ring itself was not an engagement ring of any sort.
Keeping past gifts from ex partners can be a very touchy subject for some people.
Some people do not care either way, as they do not read into those keepsake items as souvenirs or reminders of the past.
While others may feel threatened about their partners having relics honoring a past love.
What ends up being a bigger matter than most partners assume, is the issue of a partner feeling like something was hidden from him or her.
When a partner finds out that that items in question may be a memorial to the past, the fact that the partner was not informed about the origins of the token of affection, can lead some partners to feeling suspicious about what other "secrets" are being kept hidden.
In most related cases that I see in my practice, there is rarely anything that is maliciously hidden.
It tends to have more to do with the fact that the topic of ex mementos just never came up.
Resolving this particular issue can sometimes simply come down to whether or not the couple can enjoy the memento together.
The line being drawn is whether or not they both get to enjoy the benefits of the memento.
If they can, it seems most new partners do not seem to mind as much.
For example, if the memento in question is a DVD of a movie, some new partners may not have a problem with it, even if it was a gift received in a previous relationship from an ex, as the new couple can enjoy the movie together.
However, I also see in my practice that certain details associated with such gifts might make even the most open minded new partner and the most seemingly unsuspecting knickknack a relic that has got to go.
For example, if that same particular DVD movie mentioned above was a particular favorite to play loudly to cover up the noises of intimacy in a previous less-than-soundproof-apartment, it could leave some friction with a new partner.
It is those additional details that make ex mementos such a necessary topic of discussion, especially for new couples.
There are different kinds of mementos that factor in greatly to whether or not it might be too much for a new partner to accept.
For example, safety alarm key chains, and photos taken at family social circle gatherings are on a far different level than personal massage units and amateur homemade sex tapes.
Some of the worst examples I see in my practice is that the mementos in question, are not necessarily from a past ex, but instead from an ex affair that took place at the time the current relationship existed.
Although the nature of the actual gizmo may be different, the bottom-line constant consideration is always the same: your memento or your relationship?
The debate is one where the couple is trying to strike a balance between trusting one another (that there are no emotional strings attached to a past partner), and respecting a boundary for each individual in the couple (not to be forced to give up property).
The item may very well be a meaningless trophy of a love past, but if a new partner feels very violated by the retaining of the memento, a person may end up with a very uncomfortable decision.
If something is truly meaningless, then it should be no problem to get rid of it.
However, forcing a partner to get rid of it could create resentment between the couple (which is sad, given that if you are in a serious relationship, holding on to a meaningless mementos based on principle should not take priority over the violated feelings of your partner).
In today's age of dating, the realistic perspective is that the person you date today, whether casually, or even seriously, are likely not going to be the person you end up with as a life partner.
Given the stats on successful marriages can be about 50% it is more important than ever that we all pick and choose our battles accordingly.
Deciding to keep or discard mementos is not as clear-cut as some would hope, given that the new partners you discard them for, may themselves get discarded sooner than later as well.
What I do suggest is that people make an effort to align themselves in romantic relationships with others who have compatible beliefs about how mementos from exs need to be managed.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Work Romances
Work Romances: Dating on the Job
By Frank Kermit
It is said that about 30% of couples met through work in some capacity. From bosses who marry the secretary to employees from different departments making special connections, to police officers and citizens making a spark after the issuing of a speeding ticket. There is no limit to the stories of work romances.
However, there are risks to dating someone that you work with, and it is a good idea to keep these in mind.
First, there may be company policies where you work about such romances. Some companies require the employee couple to report to the Human Resources Department to announce their involvement just in case there might be a conflict of interest that company wants to avoid.
Other companies have very strict rules of absolutely no fraternization between co-workers, employees and or clients of the business, which may lead to termination if the rules are not followed.
Then there are those consequences to deal with, even if the relationship goes very well. For one thing, if and when your coworkers learn of your romance it can lead the two of you to headline the office gossip.
Another challenge couples discover, is managing to keep their private life and their work life separate.
Having to wait until you get home to have a more private conversation, and having to wait until you get into work to have a work related conversation proves to be more difficult than people can imagine.
In fact, some people find it exceptionally difficult not to be able to vent about the job during off hours to their partner, out of worry that something they say may come back to the work place in ways that were unintended to be shared.
Lastly, a partner may be in the unpleasant position of holding back from disciplining other employees because of the role of the other partner has related to those employees.
Finally there is the concept of sexual harassment in the workplace as it relates to work romances. I asked a former manager of mine about sexual harassment claims made on the job.
She informed me that all claims are investigated and about 50% of them that she investigated regularly produced evidence that prove the acts were consensual.
Usually the acts that took place on the work premises during a time when the two individuals were secretly romantically involved.
She described these cases as relationships that went south, and someone seeking revenge through allegations.
In those cases both the employees involved usually get reprimanded for acting on their relations on work premises, and not for the relations themselves.
So here are some basics to keep in mind:
-Keep all relational talk or physicality off the premises
-Keep evidence of your involvement (emails, photos, etc…) that prove there was consent of togetherness even if it is off the premises, just in case of a revenge allegation later on
-Try to keep your office relationship a secret at first until you are sure it is serious enough to announce to your coworkers, but not so secret as to avoid keeping evidence of your involvement
-Be aware of any company policies that could affect you, your partner and your careers
-Do your best to keep your two worlds separate.
Is the person you are dating worth all the risk?
Only you can know if the risk is worth it for you.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
When your partner does not want to get serious
To Commit or Not to Commit
Do Not Be With Someone
That Does Not Want To Be With You
By Frank Kermit
There are times when individuals stay with partners who do not want to get more serious. This situation happens when one person, for whatever reason, feels that it is better to stay with someone they have to convince to change their minds, than it would be to break up and start over by finding someone new to be with.
Sometimes, the person stays because of a deep held belief he or she is with the right person and is willing to wait it out. Other times, a person stays in this situation due to a deep fear of being alone and not finding anyone else or anyone better. Then there are those situations where the circumstances have to do with the pressure of a biological clock that is so close to no longer ticking that it feels riskier to break up and look for someone else to commit to in such a short time frame, than it is to stick it out, hoping to pressure a partner into agreeing to make something more happen.
Regardless of the reasons, the general rule is that if the person that you are interested in having something more serious with (moving to the next level in the stages of the relationship hierarchy) is not interested, nor even open to talking about what would have to happen for your relationship to move forward, the best course of action is to walk away and find someone else.
The emotional damage done when a person stays with a partner that does not want to get serious is the most significant reason for leaving. Constantly being pushed away and rejected, can lead to a repeating behavior pattern of responding to that kind of lack of affection. In other words, the longer you stay with someone that rejects your advances, the more you get used to being rejected when expressing intimate interests, and it can lead to the point in the future, where you learned to only feel romantically interested in people if they push you away and get turned off by the people who accept your emotional advances. We become engaged with the challenge and the pursuit of love, but bored of actually having love. It is not about what we intellectually know is better for us. It is about how we respond emotionally to those behaviors by our attachment history.
You may intellectually know that the person who is available to you and accepting of your affection is the better partner for you long term, but you will not be able to feel attraction for such people if you have programmed yourself to only emotionally respond to people that continually reject you.
Simply put, do not value someone that is unable to value you back. It is time to find someone else.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Dating Single Parents
Single Parent Dating:
More Than Just A Single Issue
By Frank Kermit
At least 40% of marriages end in divorce. Depending on the study you read, the percentage can be higher. Even though the break down of families continues, the drive that makes people want to connect with one another does not break down. But what happens when a newly single person, ready to re-enter the dating scene...has kids? Single parents have it tough. Not only do single parents have to be careful that the person they are dating isn't actually a child predator looking to capitalize on a vulnerable and lonely parent, but they also must accept that many good potential partners may simply refuse to date single parents. In fact, there are single parents who refuse to date other single parents to avoid blended family issues, even though another single parent might best understand how he or she feels.
The biggest mistake single parents make is trying to hide the fact they have kids when getting to know someone new; Figuring it is best to have the potential partner develop feelings first and get hooked before they share this "tiny detail". In case you are wondering...it doesn't work in the long term. Can't build a future starting with an omission of truth. One of the challenges single parents face in the dating scene is an irregular schedule. A good parent, who rightfully puts children ahead of dating, makes for an unstable dating schedule.
If you are looking for something more than casual encounters, it is much more difficult to build as a single parent. If you really want to touch the heart of a single parent you are dating...chip in for the cost of babysitting, so you can see the parent more often.
When things get more serious, some people who do date single parents are not always ready for the responsibilities that come with "instant-family" which is why the pool of who will seek out a serious relationship with a single parent is smaller than for people without children. In fact, depending on where you live and the law of that territory, if the wealthier person of the couple had promised to care for the children of the single parent, that potential partner could end up paying child support after the relationship ends, for kids that aren't even biologically theirs.
If you are dating a single parent, then something you should know is not to push meeting your date's children. If you meet them through happenstance, present yourself as a "friend" of the parent, and do nothing in front of the children to suggest otherwise. Children that get too close to "the date" may end up with their own intimacy and attachment issues as they experience a parent going through a string of temp-parents coming in and out of their lives. Children lack the life experience or emotional maturity that comes with adulthood and how to interpret romantic relationships and realistic expectations. (For that matter, many adults have the same issues) Each time a child gets close to a new partner only to have the parent and new partner break up, it can be as gut wrenching for the child as it is for the parent...possibly more so. This is still only taking into account that the kids even want to get to know the new partner. In fact many children may instinctually hate the new date because some children fear abandonment from the other parent if they were too be accepting of the new partner.
Even in cases where the parents split up due to extreme domestic issues, most children still have a hope that mom and dad will work it out somehow, and the new date is a barrier to that hope.
If there was one bit of advice that every single parent must keep in mind it is this: factor in the physical, mental and emotional well being of your child into your dating life. This covers everything from choosing whom to spend time with, all the way to introducing your new love to your children when the relationship is serious enough, to creating a blended family with your new partner. The single parent has to decide what is more important: the potential exciting next partner or the potential excellent stepparent.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
You Cursed or Making Bad Choices
Cursed or Bad Choices
by Frank Kermit
Sometimes I have clients who ask me if I think they may be cursed.
Bad incident, after bad incident, after bad incident can make a person feel that life is against him or her. I do want to state that some people just have rotten luck, and bad luck can play a factor in a person’s life once in a while.
However, if you ever wonder why all the bad things seem to always happen to you, then perhaps you need to consider taking some accountability for the choices you made along the way that brought you to this moment.
You are where you are because of a series of choices you made.
Financially broke?
You made choices to end up there.
Heartbroken?
You made choices to end up there.
Unhealthy?
You made choices that end up there.
For the record, I am guilty of this as well. I am not pointing fingers. I have made a lot of bad choices in my life that got me to where I am, and I am by no means perfect.
We ALL make some bad choices.
The key is to see if we can learn from the bad choices we made, by first identifying those choices and then making better choices.
Many years ago I got my heart stomped on over and over.
I made choices to give people a chance when there were signs that I should not have. I made choices to ignore the warning signs. I made choices to assume facts, instead of finding out the true facts.
I made choices to act on my feelings in the moment and accept poor behaviour of others because it hurt too much to pick myself up and move on.
Then one day, I made the choice of saying, “Never Again!”
And from that moment on, I started to make different choices.
Some were still the wrong choice.
Other choices were good choices, but not great choices, until I learned through life experience how to make the best choices for myself.
I could not be sure I was on the best path, but at least I made it a point to never again re-make the original choices that put me into the situation I ended up in.
To read all about the choices and changes I made, grab a copy of my autobiography From Loser To Seducer
Redemption is when you can trust yourself not to make the same mistakes again. At that moment of redemption, self-forgiveness is automatic and inner peace is the result.
So the next time you are asking yourself why bad things keep happening to you, please consider that you might not be cursed, but you do need to re-evaluate the choices you are making (or not making) to put you in a better place.
Frank Kermit
by Frank Kermit
Sometimes I have clients who ask me if I think they may be cursed.
Bad incident, after bad incident, after bad incident can make a person feel that life is against him or her. I do want to state that some people just have rotten luck, and bad luck can play a factor in a person’s life once in a while.
However, if you ever wonder why all the bad things seem to always happen to you, then perhaps you need to consider taking some accountability for the choices you made along the way that brought you to this moment.
You are where you are because of a series of choices you made.
Financially broke?
You made choices to end up there.
Heartbroken?
You made choices to end up there.
Unhealthy?
You made choices that end up there.
For the record, I am guilty of this as well. I am not pointing fingers. I have made a lot of bad choices in my life that got me to where I am, and I am by no means perfect.
We ALL make some bad choices.
The key is to see if we can learn from the bad choices we made, by first identifying those choices and then making better choices.
Many years ago I got my heart stomped on over and over.
I made choices to give people a chance when there were signs that I should not have. I made choices to ignore the warning signs. I made choices to assume facts, instead of finding out the true facts.
I made choices to act on my feelings in the moment and accept poor behaviour of others because it hurt too much to pick myself up and move on.
Then one day, I made the choice of saying, “Never Again!”
And from that moment on, I started to make different choices.
Some were still the wrong choice.
Other choices were good choices, but not great choices, until I learned through life experience how to make the best choices for myself.
I could not be sure I was on the best path, but at least I made it a point to never again re-make the original choices that put me into the situation I ended up in.
To read all about the choices and changes I made, grab a copy of my autobiography From Loser To Seducer
Redemption is when you can trust yourself not to make the same mistakes again. At that moment of redemption, self-forgiveness is automatic and inner peace is the result.
So the next time you are asking yourself why bad things keep happening to you, please consider that you might not be cursed, but you do need to re-evaluate the choices you are making (or not making) to put you in a better place.
Frank Kermit
No More Bad Choices
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Are you cursed, or just making bad choices?
