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How to write a eulogy
How To Write a Eulogy
by Frank Kermit
Hi Friend,
One of the best speeches I ever gave in my life, was my father's eulogy.
I wrote it in a way with the specific goals to not only talk about who my
father was, but it was also designed to bring a measure of peace and
healing to the many people drowning in grief at the funeral.
I made a list of goals that I wanted to achieve with that eulogy, and
based on the reactions of the various attendees, I seemed to have
achieved that goal.
If you are about to give a eulogy, and are nervous because you want
to do a good job, but are not sure about what you should say, and if
talking directly from your heart, is not something that comes easy
for you, then this article was written with you in mind.
Once you write it and give the eulogy, do contact me and let me know
how things turned out for you. I would love to hear from you.
25 Steps The Best Eulogy
1-You can mention your own grief, but do not focus on it.
My main point of grief writing my dad's eulogy is that he died
before my own children were born, and that was my biggest regret.
That my own children would never get the chance to meet him.
I mentioned it once in the eulogy. But that was it. I did not stick with
that theme throughout the speech. Never use a eulogy in a way,
that it could be mistaken for seeking out pity.
2-Languages.
My father taught himself to read and write in three languages.
So I made sure to give the eulogy in more than one language.
If the person you are giving the eulogy for was also multilingual,
do your best to include a sample of each language into your eulogy.
3-Focus on the good (How did that person make a difference)
What is the legacy that the person left behind?
What accomplishments was that person most proud of?
What did that person want to be remember for?
These are all good points to bring up during a eulogy.
4-Everyone grieves differently
It is important for you as a eulogist to remind all attendees to have
compassion for one another. One person may deal with grief by
wanting to be left alone and not speak to others for a while.
Other people may need to cry out loud. The most important thing
to remind everyone is that we all will grieve differently and to support
each other with acceptance of the different ways we cope with loss.
5-Be prepared
Have water handy in case your voice dries out. Have a handkerchief
or tissues to dry your eyes and blow your nose. Have someone close
to you to pat your back or hold your hand if you think you might need it.
At one point during my speech, my eyes were so watery, I had blurred
vision and no tissues. Using the sleeve of my shirt, I washed away
the tears and calmed my breathing down in order to continue.
6-Don’t dwell on that persons hardships, just use them as time markers
We all have hardships, but most people want to be remembered for more
than just the hardships they endured. They want to be remembered for
how they lived, not for all the bad stuff that happened to them.
My father lost an eye during an accident when he was six years old.
I mentioned it only to point out he had to grow up very fast after that.
But I never talked about it again in the speech. I could have mentioned
all the prejudice he faced in his life because of it. But I am sure my
father would want to be remembered for being a hard worker, teaching
himself how to read and write 3 languages, and of his devotion to
his children's education and not be remembered for the bad stuff that
happened to him.
7-What you talk about at the wake
Before you give the eulogy, go around to the people at the wake, or
those that reach out to you with condolence. Ask each person what
they noticed most about the person BUT do not tell them you are
seeking info for the eulogy. This will give you an idea of what words to
use, and maybe even a story to share, about how others viewed the
person you are talking about.
Just before the funeral, my brother, sister and I were speaking, and
they mentioned to me how much my father liked a good discussion.
It was something that wasn't in my original speech, so I jotted it down
just before it was time to deliver the eulogy.
8-Quote the person in that persons voice (imitate voice and gestures)
Quoting the person is always a good idea. However, if you have
the ability to quote that person, using a similar sounding voice or accent
as the person, then use it. It helps to release some of the tension
people are feeling when the eulogy is given.
9-Name drop as many people as you can, who attend the funeral
When talking about stories where naming people is appropriate,
do make the effort to name as many people as you can, that you know
are in attendance at the funeral. It makes people feel that are very much
a part of the process of showing respect for the person that has died.
If you can, do mention the names of the people that traveled long
distances, just to attend and pay their respects.
10-Say Thank You to all care givers.
If long sickness was involved, comment on the people who took care
of the person and be sure to thank them all by name. When people
are suffering from grief, it is very easy for anyone to feel unappreciated
and taken for granted. These negative feelings could lead to bad
decisions that could permanently wedge relationships in the future.
During the last 8 weeks of my father's life, he was tended to by my aunt
(his sister), my uncle (his brother), my brother, my sister and my mother.
I made it a point to talk about each person for a few minutes, mentioned
their good qualities, and anything my father may have mentioned about
his love and respect for them. It brought a lot of peace to them.
11-Use the shortest phrase you can to describe the person
Come up with an overall theme that encompasses everything
the person was. It will be that phrase that people will remember when
they leave the funeral.
When trying to sum up my father in as few words as possible, I believe
the term "silent devotion" encompasses everything he was to us. I used
that phrase throughout the speech. I explained why it was appropriate
because my father was not an outwardly expressive person (silent), but
he showed his family his love with his (devotion) providing for them.
To this day, some of his old neighbours still remark how they remember
that eulogy for this reason.
12-The use of audio-visual materials
Depending on where you conduct the eulogy, you will have to keep in
mind that some places do not allow for audio-visual materials. Those
that do allow for it, may not be equipped with the technology.
There is a story of one particular person who was giving the eulogy
of her father, and wanted to play a song that was one of her father's
favorite. However, the religious authority that presided over the funeral,
would not allow it because it was a not a "religious song". The young
girl then simply read the lyrics of the song as part of her eulogy.
If using audio-visual material is important in your eulogy, please make
sure you will not have any unpleasant surprises.
13-If the person knew it was coming, mention it
In all the years I have been coaching, I have learned that if it is mentioned
in a eulogy that the person knew that death was coming soon, it actually
brings peace to some of the people who are coping with loss.
It helps people feel that, since the person knew, the person likely got to
do and say things before it was too late. It really seems to help people
cope with the loss. So if this applies to the person you are speaking about
please mention it.
14-Dreams…if you’d had a dream of person, mention it
The night after my father died, I had a dream where he came to
speak to me to say goodbye and to tell me I should go and start a family
of my own. I have no idea if it was just a dream, or if it was actually him
trying to communicate with me after his death. I honestly do not know
what to believe. Turns out, it does not matter what I believe anyways.
When I told this story at his eulogy, it amazed me how much it was a
comfort to others that there was even this remote possibility that my
father could still communicate with the people left behind.
15-Give mourners a job
Ask all mourners to celebrate the life of the person who has died,
but give mourners something SPECIFIC they are suppose to do.
I told everyone that they should pick one memory of my father, and
that favorite memory could be a discussion they had with him, or
something he did for them, and to talk about that favorite memory
to everyone who also knew him. By giving mourners a job, you
give them an ability to further help them deal with the loss.
16-End off with saying something to the person directly
When you end the eulogy, this is where you can say something direct
to the person. It could be a simple, "I love you", or "I will miss you" or
"good bye". It might also be something very personal between you
and the person. My father used to tell me that I would never admit he
was right about anything. So one of the last things I would say at the
eulogy would be, "Hey dad...you were right"
17-They will ALL forgive you
Keep in mind that when you are giving the speech,
as long as you do it from an honest place,
people will forgive you if you cry or break down.
I broke down in the middle of my speech and needed a couple of
minutes to compose myself again in order to continue.
It is more than forgivable even the circumstances.
18-Forget you are talking to a crowd of people
When you give your speech, talk as if you are speaking directly to the
person's closet contacts. If that does not work well enough for you
then talk to the person that you mention in your speech, as if you are
practicing reading their eulogy to him or her.
19-A eulogy is for the people still left, not the one who died.
As contrary as this may sound, when you write and recite the eulogy,
keep in mind that the purpose is MORE to give those still alive some
form of peace and healing, and LESS to do with actually saying something
to the person that has died.
20-A eulogy is designed to bring people together.
Deaths can break up the family, and a eulogy MUST help reunite them
This is why you thank people in the eulogy, and remind them to show
compassion to one another. Mourning can sometimes bring out the
worst in people. The eulogy is there to help bring out the best in people.
No matter how justified it may feel at the moment, never use a eulogy
to bring negative attention to anyone.
21-Why people remember the eulogy
Grievers do NOT remember much of the entire week of death,
funeral home, or the burial…..EVERYONE remembers the eulogy.
It is one of the elements of the mourning phase that speaks directly
to people, and is easier for people to remember, because the other
memories of the death of a loved one, could be too much for many
to handle. A eulogy does not get blocked out, because it brings
comfort and closure.
22-When talking about God
Unless the person was a particularly devote religious person,
do not mention god or religion.
If that person believed, then mention their faith.
But if that person did not beleive, do not mention god or faith.
Those that believe will believe, and those that don’t will not.
23-List what made the person happy in life
Name three things in that persons life that made that person
exceptionally happy. This will help mourners remember the person
as being happy. It is a good image and memory for mourners to
hold on to, especially at such a time of great sadness and stress.
A couple of the things I mentioned that my gave my father the
greatest happiness were his pet dog, his cottage in the country area,
and watching his family grow. People that knew him were reminded
if images of his being happy in life.
24-The importance of a continuation
A preacher gave me this great bit of advice. When people struggle
with the idea of a person's life line coming to an end, help re-direct
their thoughts that line is not a linear line with a beginning and an end.
Life is a circle. The person did not reach the end of the line; the person
completed the cycle of their circle of life.
As circles are continues in their nature, it is easier for mourners,
to envision a form of continuation as a circle and the end of one cycle
and the start of another cycle circle, then to think about the line
having ended abruptly
25-The story of passing the love forward.
In the eulogy I gave for my father, I talked about how my grandmother
always said that because I was born in the same month as the death
of her brother, that she believed that all the love she had for her brother
should be re-directed to me. She said that when someone dies,
it is a sign that the person in the family was was born closest to that
time should now be a magnet for the affection that person used to get.
So I told people that the baby born closest to my fathers death
(a third cousin who lived in the area) should be the receiver of all the
love that my father got, and to give that child a little extra attention.
The idea is to help mourners to a put a focus to love the children that
need their attention, instead of getting lost in their own selves with grief.
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Speed Dating tips and advice
Taking Notes
by Frank Kermit
It is important to take notes when speed dating (or any dating for that matter).
I am not referring to the speed dating form
where you indicate YES or NO for requesting a match
I am talking about taking your own notes
about the people you speed date on a sheet of paper that you take home with you
One of the more embarrassing situations that may happen is that you end up on a date with someone you met speed dating but come across as not remembering what you talked about during your first speed-dating meeting.
Fact is, that night you are going to meet a number of people and it will be easy to forget who said what.
Sometimes people even refuse to go on the date after being matched out of fear they will look foolish for not remembering the first conversations.
So, take notes about each person you speed date, including things they said that were of a mutual interest. Include those tidbits of information when you first contact your matches to set up first dates.
This will make your matches feel more involved and more eager to meet with you.
Next time you speed date, make sure you bring an extra sheet of paper for your own personal notes.
It will make your communication with your matches so much more attractive.
This article is an excerpt of the book The Frank Guide To Speed Dating
#dating #speeddating #charisma
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you know you are a parent when...
You Know You Are A Parent...
by Frank Kermit
You Know You Are A Parent...
When your child finds it funny
to call you by your first name
or the pet name your life parent uses.
It's OK, eventually, kids train parents best when
they learn to use terms like mommy and daddy
as parents routinely respond to appropriate stimuli
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In memory of Bob McDevitt
Remembering Bob McDevitt
by Frank Kermit
Bob was a great guy. I had the great fortune of working as his Teaching Assistant for two years, when he was a lecturer at the Journalism of Concordia University. I got to sit in on his classes and absorb his lectures, and study the way he would convey his 30+ years of journalist experience to class after class of students.
His lectures included journalism know how, grit, and personal stories from his days as a professional. I still remember some of the stories he told, which communicated exactly the honorable good, and the painfully disgust that is humanity, and how to present a story to be fair and balanced.
Thank you Bob for your wisdom and the opportunity to work for you.
-Frank Kermit
Robert (Bob) McDevitt - Obituary
McDEVITT, ROBERT (BOB)
September 6, 1931-September 8, 2016
After several months of declining health, Bob McDevitt died September 8, 2016 at the Jewish General Hospital with his wife Pat at his side.
Starting as a 16-year-old sailor in the Merchant Navy, Bob lived life to the fullest. He had an illustrious 34-year career in broadcasting, beginning as Ol' Saddlesores, a country & western DJ in Sudbury, Ontario. Bob eventually moved to the CBC in Montreal where he spent 27 years as a sports journalist, interviewing everyone from Muhammad Ali to Lester B. Pearson. After taking early retirement from the CBC, Bob embarked on another adventure, teaching Broadcast Journalism for 12 years at Concordia University and helping shape a new generation of journalists. This fact was endlessly amusing to Bob, a kid from Park Ex with only a grade 8 education.
Professional life aside, Bob was perpetually curious about the world, and people were his oxygen. He loved few things more than hoisting a jar with friends and was actively involved in a variety of clubs, including the Montreal Irish Rugby Football Club, the Montreal West Curling Club, the NDG YMCA, the Cavendish Club, and the Fossils.
Above all, Bob was a devoted family man, supportive, generous, and loving, who taught his children invaluable lessons in the way he embraced honesty and integrity in his daily life, sometimes to the detriment of his professional life.
Bob went out true to himself: not quietly. His last few days were eased by the expert and humane care of the doctors, nurses, and staff at the Jewish General Hospital, for which the family will be forever grateful.
Bob embodied these lines from Invictus, his favorite poem:
"I am the master of my fate / I am the captain of my soul."
Well done, dear husband. Well done, dear dad.
Bob leaves behind Patricia, his wife of 56 years, his three children, Katy, Neale, and Craig, and their respective partners and children.
At Bob's request, there will be no funeral service. There will be a visitation on Thursday, September 15, 2016 from 1:00 pm to 4:00 pm at Collins Clarke MacGillivray White Funeral Home, 5610 Sherbrooke St. West, Montreal. Cards of condolence may be sent to the funeral home.
A celebration of Bob's life a party will be held at a future date. Details to be announced later.
The family asks that in lieu of flowers, donations be made to the Bob McDevitt Award Endowment at Concordia University: online at concordia.ca/givenow; by telephone at 514-848-2424, ext. 3884; by sending a cheque payable to Concordia University to: Concordia University, 1455 De Maisonneuve Blvd. W., FB-520, Montreal, QC H3G 1M8. When making a contribution, donors should specify their gift is for the Bob McDevitt Award Endowment.
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Do not talk about sex if you are a virgin
Do Not Talk About Sex if You Are an Adult Male Virgin
by Frank Kermit
Helping Adult Male Virgins (AMV)
who want to find their first girlfriend to have sex with
is specialization in my coaching practice
Here is a Quick Tip for Adult Male Virgins
Do NOT Talk about Sex. You are a virgin, and you might end up saying
something that presents you in a really negative way.
Just like the main character in the movie The 40 Year Old Virgin,
he was found out when he tried to talk about something he had no
experience in (remember the bags of sand line?)
My AMV coaching clients are often surprised to learn that some of the
statements they make casual to their friends and associates reveal
just how inexperienced AMVs can be, not only for sex, but for
dating and relationships as well.
If you have ever made negative statements about sex (Ewwww! That's disgusting),
or innocently asked questions such as
"Why would people do that?"
when talking about what seems to you to be a futile sex act,
or remarking how something "Isn't really important", those people
around you are spotting your inexperience.
Unlucky for you, they are also likely too polite to call you on it.
Which means, you continue to go about your business, never knowing
what they really think they know about you: that you are a virgin.
Simply put, people who have had sex, can spot you without you knowing it.
One of the ways you can limit this, is that you just do not talk about sex.
When someone tries to get you to talk about sex, here is what you can do:
Just tell everyone that there are certain things you do not talk about or
discuss publicly and sex is one of them.
Then make sure YOU STICK TO IT!
That also means no sex jokes too.
Yeah, it may not be fun. However, if your goal is to lose your virginity,
it is one of the best strategies you can apply.
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Bad Choices catch up with you
Good People Making Bad Choices
By Frank Kermit
This is blog is designed to offer advice, tips and support,
for seekers to find what they need to build, create and engage into
a successful marriage.
The reason this is such an important area of my coaching practice
is because most couple that get married
never do so in the hopes it will end in divorce.
Most people get into marriage wanting it to last until
death does them part.
Unfortunately, with the divorce rate being what it is, this is obviously not the result the majority of those couples ever wanted.
I see a lot of really good people, who want successful marriages,
in my private coaching practice working with individuals, and couples.
People who aim to live out their lives together in a successful marriage,
generally speaking, do so out of a desire to be happy, build a family
together, and want to establish a future together based on the principles that are important to them.
These same individuals aim to create a relationship structure,
that will be able to withstand the hard times, enjoy the good times,
and last a life time.
Simply put, they want to live a life of making choices to create the
most successful marriages possible.
The challenge however, is not that they lack choice to
making that happen.
It is that they do not know how to MANAGE their choices.
Years ago, I described one of the tenants of my coaching practice with this statement:
The power of choice, without the skills to know what to do with it,
can lead to a misery so great, it ends up being worse than living
in a system of oppression that meets basic needs.
That is what I see in my coaching practice.
Good people, making horrible choices that destroy their chances
of every having a happily successful marriage.
It is one thing not to be sure what choices is best for you.
It is completely a different matter to figure out how the heck
you manage a marriage in a way that
meets the emotional needs of everyone involved.
People often do not realize the mistakes they are making
managing their marriages (or upcoming marriages), until it is too late and they lose their marriages, destroy their families,
and send their kids into therapy.
So my coaching aims to help prepare all people to manage
the many choices they will have to make while they seek out
the secrets of successful marriages.
The Pre Marital Coaching is for all the people who:
-Want to Divorce Proof their marriages
-Are about to move in together
-Are thinking about getting engaged or who already got engaged
-Looking to elope
-Want to start a family
-Afraid of ever getting divorce, and want to reduce the risks
-Went through a divorce before and want to prevent another
-Have family and friends against this union and they want to prove them wrong
-Want to be sure they have the skills necessary to stick to their vows
-Are struggling with the idea of a prenuptial agreement
-Have doubts about marriage
-Want to make "til death do us part" mean something again
-Want to find ways to talk to their partner about difficult subjects
-Worry about trusting their partner
-Worry about the challenge of long term commitment
-Are looking for a marriage that is LGBTQF friendly
-Are looking for a marriage that is alternative lifestyle friendly
-Want conflict resolution skills
-Having a hard time pinpointing your relationship rules and boundaries
If you want to invest in securing a solid foundation to make sure
you are in a relationship that actually succeeds, then you are
seeking the secrets of a successful marriage
as well as those couples in already establish committed relationships that are working things out to stay together.
As you read and follow the articles on my blog,
do please reach out to me with any information that you feel,
was really helpful to you, in your pursuit of seeking the secrets of your personal success.
-Frank Kermit
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Get comfortable with the causes of Grief
Get Comfortable With The Causes of Grief
by Frank Kermit
This is the first of a series of articles I want to present
on the topics of Bereavement, Grief and Mourning.
The reason I created this group of articles is because I think
that people who are coping with loss generally,
do not get the compassion and support they really need.
People are generally uncomfortable with dealing with any sort
of grief.
Whether the grief is their own, or dealing with the grief of others.
It makes for awkward interactions, and that is not right.
A person in grief is too wrapped up in their own emotions,
to really notice the awkwardness of the people around them
offering any kind of support.
And those people who would want to offer support,
are too concerned they might make things worse
for the person in mourning.
So these articles aims to help prepare all people to better
manage their sense of loss, and how to better support
the people in their lives who are experiencing a loss.
Losses that may cause grief include:
-Death of a loved one.
-Being diagnosed with a chronic or terminal disease.
-Disability from a severe accident or illness.
-Divorce or the end of a relationship.
-Miscarriage or stillbirth.
-The birth of a child with a birth defect.
-A diagnosis of infertility.
-Learning that your child or teen has developed a behavior problem, learning disability, or substance abuse disorder.
-A move from a familiar home. This is especially hard for older adults.
-Job loss.
-Loss of independence after a serious accident or illness.
-An act of violence or a natural disaster.
-Starting school (loss of the comfort of home and familiar surroundings).
-Gaining increasing independence and self-responsibility in the late childhood and teen years (loss of dependence on parents).
-Marriage (loss of independent decision making).
-Birth of a child (loss of independence).
-Retirement (loss of income, work-related identity, and daily social contact).
-Aging and maturing (loss of physical strength and youthful appearance).
As you can see, chances are that EVERYONE is going have to cope with loss
at some point in their lives.
It is fundamentally important that we all develop coping skills.
I hope people find these articles useful.
-Frank Kermit
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Creating Chemistry
Looks vs Personality: Creating Chemistry
By Frank Kermit
A question that comes up to me in coaching often is what do you do when you find someone's personality very interesting, even attractive, but you really are not into that person's looks.
The answer is one that no one wants to hear.
If you are single, date that person anyways
and see if chemistry develops over the time
of a few dates
Sometimes, you have to kiss that person goodnight in order to get the fireworks to initially spark.
When you meet someone in speed dating,
and that person has enough spark just from personality that makes you think MAYBE,
Just say YES
Take the chance, and go for the match. You never know...that person might even reject you!!!
It would be good to know to help you keep that ego of yours in check.
Bottom line is that you are single!
Maybe you are single because you are way too picky
Maybe your standards are too high for what you can attract
But you are single.
Give that person a chance.
You only have everything to gain.
This article is an excerpt from The Frank Guide To Speed Dating program
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You Know You Are a Parent When...
You Know You're a Parent When...
By Frank Kermit
You Know You Are A Parent When
You learn The Pure Pain of Stepping On
Tiny Hard Plastic Toys
Those toys can be the best possible toys of any childhood
I would never get rid of them.
But it might be time to get a new toy bin
and set up a reward system for tidying up after playing.
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you are still single because of the choices you make
Single in September
By Frank Kermit
It's the most wonderful time of the year. End of summer, back to school, and vacation period is basically over for most people.
All that means one thing. It is one of the best times to be single for taking action to meet someone special.
This is it.
The meet and greet season has started. Fresh off the blast of summer loving when all summer romances must come to an end, and people have to tune in once again to their regularly scheduled life programming.
Back to school, means back to the grind of routine, and this is when people are new, fresh, rejuvenated from time off and sunny weather, and are in the best head space to meet a new friendly face.
The signs of autumn have started-a-coming, when retail stores start putting out the Halloween decorations.
That signals just one thing:
WINTER IS COMING TOO!
It is time to start now, to seek out new life, and that new warm human body that is going to enjoy cuddling you by a delightful fire, while the weather outside turns frightful.
If you are still single, there is always some place to go, to meet new people, cause you never know.
So you better not pout, and you better not cry if you end up singing single 'cause you're bumming about town.
Tis' the season to be finding, a warm cup of your own special something. Stop, with your games of love, and get serious.
Chances are, you are single because of the choices you made leading up to this moment.
All those people you were interested in, but did not ask out. All those potential partners who liked you, but you turned down worrying about what others would think.
All your "rules" and "standards" that (really serve no purpose to finding someone who treats you amazing) just get in the way because they are simply not realistic.
If you continue to make those same choices, then chances are, again, that you will continue to be single, and continue to make it more difficult for anyone to join you for an unforgettable duet.
This could be the BEST time of the year to meet someone new. But it takes ACTION on your part to get out there, and make yourself available.
Well, OK, maybe it is not the BEST time of the year to meet someone new right now.
Song lyrics and catchy pop culture phrases can grease the wheels of the coming holiday spirit, and inspire some people from the cold-hearted wonderland of our lives.
And the fact is, every day (including TODAY) is a good day to die and go to heaven (FIGURATIVELY PLEASE!) by meeting someone special, and every season has just as much opportunity to find someone new, and every night time is the right time to be with somebody you love.
It is ALWAYS the BEST TIME to meet someone new. Today IS THAT the day. Seize it and make it yours.
Take the chance! Now is the moment. Go on and kiss the world of dating and end your reign in the valley of Singledom.
Frank Kermit
