- Published on
Understanding the emotional needs of men
Ally vs. Enemy:
Understanding The Emotional Needs of Men
By Frank Kermit
The best way I know how to teach people about the emotional needs of men is to break it down to absolute fundamentals. If people can understand those, then people can understand the emotional motivations behind the choices men make in who men choose to have sex with, date and make long term commitments too.
A woman can only play one of two roles in a man's life. She is either his ally or she is his enemy. She cannot be both. In every action a woman takes, and in everything a woman says, a man will judge her on an emotional level that he may not necessarily be conscious of in deciding if he should have her in his life, have sex with her and/or make a commitment to her. If a woman addresses a man's emotional needs he will feel that she is his ally, and potentially feel enough of a bonding trust to commit to her. When a woman violates the emotional needs of a man, he feels he might have her as an enemy in his life, but he may still continue to have sex with her pending how bad a violation of his other emotional needs, though he has already emotionally decided he will never commit to her.
One of the ways that the emotional needs of men and women differ is in the way men and women categorize each other. Women can only feel that she can play one of two roles in a man's life. She is either his mother or his lover. A conflict occurs when a woman feels like a man's mother (at which point she loses any sense of being attracted to him), and the man feels she is his ally because she acts like his mother (which does not negate his sexual desires and in fact, he may interpret her mothering him as a sign of her being romantically interested in him). The more I learn to understand couples and relationships, the more I really do experience moments when I am in awe that anyone ever gets together anymore when there are absolutely no outside factors involved like family pressure, cultural expectations or just needy desperation. Sigh.
One of the main differences between men and women is how their emotional needs relate to sex. For women, the act of sex can be an efficient means of addressing her particular and individual emotional needs profile. For men, sex IS an emotional need. Sex will not address a variety of a man's emotional needs; sex only address the one need: his emotional need for sex. This is a key reason why when men and women attempt to enter into "friends-with-benefits" types of relationships, it is usually the woman who will start to develop more feelings of attachment than men. During continual sexual activity, women are having multiple emotional needs met during their sexual session, and that triggers feelings of deeper attraction and loving attachment. Men get the sex, and the emotional balance that men experience from sexual intercourse, but do not necessarily get any of their other emotional needs met during sex, depending on the context of their sexual activity.
Most men will have certain emotional needs in common such as his need to have his reputation protected, his need for recharge time, his need for femininity, his masculine-identity, and finding a woman he can trust as his secret keeper who will put their relationship ahead of all other people. However each man has an individual emotional needs profile that defines which emotional needs are more important and less important to him. The key to gain his commitment will be found in assessing his emotional needs, and being able to address his most important ones to the degree he emotionally responds too.
Frank Kermit
Understanding The Emotional Needs of Men
By Frank Kermit
The best way I know how to teach people about the emotional needs of men is to break it down to absolute fundamentals. If people can understand those, then people can understand the emotional motivations behind the choices men make in who men choose to have sex with, date and make long term commitments too.
A woman can only play one of two roles in a man's life. She is either his ally or she is his enemy. She cannot be both. In every action a woman takes, and in everything a woman says, a man will judge her on an emotional level that he may not necessarily be conscious of in deciding if he should have her in his life, have sex with her and/or make a commitment to her. If a woman addresses a man's emotional needs he will feel that she is his ally, and potentially feel enough of a bonding trust to commit to her. When a woman violates the emotional needs of a man, he feels he might have her as an enemy in his life, but he may still continue to have sex with her pending how bad a violation of his other emotional needs, though he has already emotionally decided he will never commit to her.
One of the ways that the emotional needs of men and women differ is in the way men and women categorize each other. Women can only feel that she can play one of two roles in a man's life. She is either his mother or his lover. A conflict occurs when a woman feels like a man's mother (at which point she loses any sense of being attracted to him), and the man feels she is his ally because she acts like his mother (which does not negate his sexual desires and in fact, he may interpret her mothering him as a sign of her being romantically interested in him). The more I learn to understand couples and relationships, the more I really do experience moments when I am in awe that anyone ever gets together anymore when there are absolutely no outside factors involved like family pressure, cultural expectations or just needy desperation. Sigh.
One of the main differences between men and women is how their emotional needs relate to sex. For women, the act of sex can be an efficient means of addressing her particular and individual emotional needs profile. For men, sex IS an emotional need. Sex will not address a variety of a man's emotional needs; sex only address the one need: his emotional need for sex. This is a key reason why when men and women attempt to enter into "friends-with-benefits" types of relationships, it is usually the woman who will start to develop more feelings of attachment than men. During continual sexual activity, women are having multiple emotional needs met during their sexual session, and that triggers feelings of deeper attraction and loving attachment. Men get the sex, and the emotional balance that men experience from sexual intercourse, but do not necessarily get any of their other emotional needs met during sex, depending on the context of their sexual activity.
Most men will have certain emotional needs in common such as his need to have his reputation protected, his need for recharge time, his need for femininity, his masculine-identity, and finding a woman he can trust as his secret keeper who will put their relationship ahead of all other people. However each man has an individual emotional needs profile that defines which emotional needs are more important and less important to him. The key to gain his commitment will be found in assessing his emotional needs, and being able to address his most important ones to the degree he emotionally responds too.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
The Story of Frank and Jade Kermit
Introduction to the 10 Year Anniversary Edition of From Loser To Seducer
by Jade Kermit
He likes to tell me that he seduced me. I roll my eyes at him and tell him I seduced him. The truth lies somewhere in the middle, in that we seduced each other. When we met we were two people who had been bashed by life to the point where we both had decided enough was enough. We had both made the life choice long before we meet each other to change. To examine our choices, to examine ourselves and decide, in our hearts what we really wanted and who we were inside.
When I met Frank in 2006 the world of online dating was still a fairly new thing. I was pretty new to it but really ready for that opportunity to meet, not just someone, I was looking for my life partner. The first time we were matched up online, Frank sent the only thing that was allowed on the site we were both on: an auto request to email me. I instantly replied no! The picture he had emailed me shocked me, and made me wonder what sort of man was he? There he was smiling into the camera, decked out in a purple sequined shirt, every finger adorned with silver and golden rings, many of them skull faces and around his neck more chains than I could count! He also wore a Fedora hat and was holding a cane. I decided that he was probably a player, and rejected him. Who dresses like that??
After rejecting Frank, I decided to date as many men as I could with the purpose of finding a partner, someone to build a future with. Alas my time was filled with a lot of “first and only dates”. Men I realized years later that either weren’t ready to date, had hardly ever dated, or were closet virgins! It was at this time that I was well and truly at the end of my patience for dating in general. I remember telling myself “okay, just one more date and if that doesn’t work out, that’s it.” I had resigned myself to work on my career, probably leave the Province to head to Alberta, which at that time was paying big money for skilled workers.
I didn’t know the dating site I was on allowed for people to retry contacting someone. So I was surprised when I received another request from Frank. This time he sent me a different picture where he was dressed in what I considered to be ‘normal clothing’. I realized that I had judged him too fast. How did I know what he was really like? Throwing caution to the wind, I decided the Universe was giving me a second chance, so I suspended my judgment and said yes!
Through emails and eventually telephone calls we started to hash out our terms. We seemed to get along but there were things that had to be made clear. Choices that could not be repeated and personality types we never wanted to encounter again, much less date! Due to various circumstances including my getting badly injured at work, Frank and I ended up being able to spend a lot of time together. In that time, we formed a bond and understanding that surprised and scared both of us. We would often look at each other and voice in wonder if such a connection was truly possible, or if it was even real. Two weeks into dating we were shopping for an engagement ring! I insisted on something cheap and cheerful, I was going to go the fake but beautiful route, but Frank insisted on my having a real gemstone ring. The one I picked surprised him. It’s not expensive or fancy but it’s beautiful and it was on sale! (I love a bargain)
All these years’ later women will still gush over Frank. When we attend dinner parties I watch them lean forward to listen to his every word. They will unconsciously flirt with him while their oblivious partners sit beside them. Why don’t these men notice? They don’t see Frank as a threat. He’s not your typical catch from a physical standpoint, and yet with his every word, every gesture they are hooked. Later on, these same women will tell me “Oh you are so lucky to have Frank!” and look at me with hidden distaste. Why? Jealousy for one and, well I am not a typical catch from a physical standpoint either! Standing almost 6 feet tall I tower over most everyone, including men. I am no delicate flower, but I am a catch! With my biggest smile I will turn to these women and say, “Frank is lucky too.” I am not a jealous woman. I know what I offer and am not threatened by other women. If you are confident in yourself, and what you have as a couple there is no need to be jealous.
I never asked or expected a date to pay for my meal. I never expected to be treated like a Princess. Princesses are for fantasy films and little girls. I am a woman. I am intelligent, strong and not afraid to speak my mind. I am self-sufficient and hard working. I never NEEDED a man in my life, but I WANTED one. I wanted a husband, a life partner to share the journey with.
People ask me: What is Frank really like?” Frank is just like his writings. Honest and straightforward. If you know how many books, lectures and other works he has done then you know he is hard working. The hardest working person I know. He is loyal and dedicated and yes, seductive. So subtly seductive that he has to rein it in sometimes in order to keep our social circles comfortable. He is also caring, loving, and extremely considerate. When I was injured all those years ago, he is the one that showed up at my door carrying groceries and a cane for me because he knew I could barely walk. My family never came; they said it was “too far” to bother to help me. Frank made a 2-hour journey on the bus to help me. That is the kind of man that he is.
Frank is also still a dork. Completely and utterly! He still loves comics, especially Ghost Rider. He gets pretty excited over kids toys. And although he denies it- he really does love our cats. (I’ve caught him snuggling them) He is prone to what we call “Frankisms” statements that make my head hurt but make me laugh at the same time. An example: One freezing cold winter day after he had been outside, I asked him “Is it slippery out there?” His answer? “Only where there’s ice!” He wasn’t joking. He truly thought that answer was helpful.
For anyone that fears losing him or herself if they “transform” from Frank’s work, don’t be afraid. Embrace the change, and know that the best parts of you will not only continue, they will thrive. The obstacles that held you back will dissolve and you will wonder why you resisted for so long.
I remember when I read Everything Out Of Her Mouth Is A Test in the early days of dating Frank. I was sitting on his bed in his tiny one room apartment. I sat there with my mouth open in shock. “You broke the code!??” I said to him in disbelief. “I know,” he said proudly, smiling at me. At the time I was worried that there wouldn’t be any mystery left, that he would be able to read me so well I’d be uncomfortable and hate it. In truth sometimes I do hate it! Mostly though, I am grateful that he “gets me” especially on the days that I am being the most difficult person and he has the patience of a saint, because he knows what my Emotional Needs are.
~Jade Kermit
Get your copy of the 10 Year Anniversary Edition of From Loser To Seducer
by Jade Kermit
He likes to tell me that he seduced me. I roll my eyes at him and tell him I seduced him. The truth lies somewhere in the middle, in that we seduced each other. When we met we were two people who had been bashed by life to the point where we both had decided enough was enough. We had both made the life choice long before we meet each other to change. To examine our choices, to examine ourselves and decide, in our hearts what we really wanted and who we were inside.
When I met Frank in 2006 the world of online dating was still a fairly new thing. I was pretty new to it but really ready for that opportunity to meet, not just someone, I was looking for my life partner. The first time we were matched up online, Frank sent the only thing that was allowed on the site we were both on: an auto request to email me. I instantly replied no! The picture he had emailed me shocked me, and made me wonder what sort of man was he? There he was smiling into the camera, decked out in a purple sequined shirt, every finger adorned with silver and golden rings, many of them skull faces and around his neck more chains than I could count! He also wore a Fedora hat and was holding a cane. I decided that he was probably a player, and rejected him. Who dresses like that??
After rejecting Frank, I decided to date as many men as I could with the purpose of finding a partner, someone to build a future with. Alas my time was filled with a lot of “first and only dates”. Men I realized years later that either weren’t ready to date, had hardly ever dated, or were closet virgins! It was at this time that I was well and truly at the end of my patience for dating in general. I remember telling myself “okay, just one more date and if that doesn’t work out, that’s it.” I had resigned myself to work on my career, probably leave the Province to head to Alberta, which at that time was paying big money for skilled workers.
I didn’t know the dating site I was on allowed for people to retry contacting someone. So I was surprised when I received another request from Frank. This time he sent me a different picture where he was dressed in what I considered to be ‘normal clothing’. I realized that I had judged him too fast. How did I know what he was really like? Throwing caution to the wind, I decided the Universe was giving me a second chance, so I suspended my judgment and said yes!
Through emails and eventually telephone calls we started to hash out our terms. We seemed to get along but there were things that had to be made clear. Choices that could not be repeated and personality types we never wanted to encounter again, much less date! Due to various circumstances including my getting badly injured at work, Frank and I ended up being able to spend a lot of time together. In that time, we formed a bond and understanding that surprised and scared both of us. We would often look at each other and voice in wonder if such a connection was truly possible, or if it was even real. Two weeks into dating we were shopping for an engagement ring! I insisted on something cheap and cheerful, I was going to go the fake but beautiful route, but Frank insisted on my having a real gemstone ring. The one I picked surprised him. It’s not expensive or fancy but it’s beautiful and it was on sale! (I love a bargain)
All these years’ later women will still gush over Frank. When we attend dinner parties I watch them lean forward to listen to his every word. They will unconsciously flirt with him while their oblivious partners sit beside them. Why don’t these men notice? They don’t see Frank as a threat. He’s not your typical catch from a physical standpoint, and yet with his every word, every gesture they are hooked. Later on, these same women will tell me “Oh you are so lucky to have Frank!” and look at me with hidden distaste. Why? Jealousy for one and, well I am not a typical catch from a physical standpoint either! Standing almost 6 feet tall I tower over most everyone, including men. I am no delicate flower, but I am a catch! With my biggest smile I will turn to these women and say, “Frank is lucky too.” I am not a jealous woman. I know what I offer and am not threatened by other women. If you are confident in yourself, and what you have as a couple there is no need to be jealous.
I never asked or expected a date to pay for my meal. I never expected to be treated like a Princess. Princesses are for fantasy films and little girls. I am a woman. I am intelligent, strong and not afraid to speak my mind. I am self-sufficient and hard working. I never NEEDED a man in my life, but I WANTED one. I wanted a husband, a life partner to share the journey with.
People ask me: What is Frank really like?” Frank is just like his writings. Honest and straightforward. If you know how many books, lectures and other works he has done then you know he is hard working. The hardest working person I know. He is loyal and dedicated and yes, seductive. So subtly seductive that he has to rein it in sometimes in order to keep our social circles comfortable. He is also caring, loving, and extremely considerate. When I was injured all those years ago, he is the one that showed up at my door carrying groceries and a cane for me because he knew I could barely walk. My family never came; they said it was “too far” to bother to help me. Frank made a 2-hour journey on the bus to help me. That is the kind of man that he is.
Frank is also still a dork. Completely and utterly! He still loves comics, especially Ghost Rider. He gets pretty excited over kids toys. And although he denies it- he really does love our cats. (I’ve caught him snuggling them) He is prone to what we call “Frankisms” statements that make my head hurt but make me laugh at the same time. An example: One freezing cold winter day after he had been outside, I asked him “Is it slippery out there?” His answer? “Only where there’s ice!” He wasn’t joking. He truly thought that answer was helpful.
For anyone that fears losing him or herself if they “transform” from Frank’s work, don’t be afraid. Embrace the change, and know that the best parts of you will not only continue, they will thrive. The obstacles that held you back will dissolve and you will wonder why you resisted for so long.
I remember when I read Everything Out Of Her Mouth Is A Test in the early days of dating Frank. I was sitting on his bed in his tiny one room apartment. I sat there with my mouth open in shock. “You broke the code!??” I said to him in disbelief. “I know,” he said proudly, smiling at me. At the time I was worried that there wouldn’t be any mystery left, that he would be able to read me so well I’d be uncomfortable and hate it. In truth sometimes I do hate it! Mostly though, I am grateful that he “gets me” especially on the days that I am being the most difficult person and he has the patience of a saint, because he knows what my Emotional Needs are.
~Jade Kermit
Get your copy of the 10 Year Anniversary Edition of From Loser To Seducer
- Published on
The Masks You Wear When Dating
What Love Masks
By Frank Kermit
A mentor of mine taught me that love is not blind; it is just that categories are rigid. When you meet someone, you put that person in a category (lover, friend, temptation, fling, does-not-count, creepy, unattainable, out-of-my-league, good-enough-for-now, spouse, soul-mate) because of how that person addresses (or violates) your emotional needs based on your first impressions; and if it turns out that the person actually belongs in a different category, it is more challenging to drop that first impression category.
For example, you meet someone, then get wrapped up in the honeymoon phase of the dating experience, you may categorizes that person as the perfect soul-mate, only to find out the harsh reality three months later that the person and you simply have incompatible core values. You and that person should never had more than just an intense private fling. But, -love is blind- so it is likely very challenging to give up on that person who is actually best left as at temporary adventure (fling), despite intellectually knowing better, because of the category they have already been put in (soul-mate).
When on a first date with someone, it is generally expected that we are going to be our best self, and not just be yourself. Your best self is a Mask. You are not going to act like your every day self. First dates are a time to put out your best character traits forward. As deceitful as it sounds, it is actually very ethical. You go on that initial outing together to get a feel of what kind of person you are meeting, and for that person to get a feel for you. If you do not put your best self forward on a first date, you are likely killing your chances of getting the beginnings of your relationship off the ground to reach the second date. Using the Mask of your Best Self is no more deceitful than being at your best when going to a job interview.
Wearing a Mask in relationships is only unethical, when you LIE to the other person and attempt to pass a false representation of yourself in order to get sex, a relationship, or basically just to get someone to even like you as a friend. Situation comedy productions (TV, movies, and theatre) love to play out this plotline of someone trying to use a Mask of deceit in order to get someone to date them, and usually all have an ending where the truth is learned and the Masked-User is punished, left abandoned and with nothing. The same principle applies when meeting someone new in real life. If you used a lie to get with a person, and assuming the interaction goes on beyond the point of a traveling one night stand, that same lie has the power to tear down everything you have since built up with your partner.
We all wear masks. It is not a question of should we, or should we not, wear a Mask when dating. The issue is always the context. How we act at a funeral, is very different from the way we act at a wedding. Each face we exhibit is a Mask.
That is not being lying or deceitful...it is about CALIBRATION to the circumstances and environment around you. Whenever you lie, you are hiding behind a Mask, and likely that same Mask will be your undoing. The best way to use your Mask is for the Mask to be a reflection of those parts of your personality that you want to display.
On a lighter note, I fondly remember a scene from a Peanut Cartoon entitled, "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown". A number of the characters were together getting dressed to go out trick-or-treating for Halloween.
The aggressive character Lucy Van Pelt known as the mean, crabby old sister exclaimed, "A person should always choose a costume which is in direct contrast to her own personality" just as she put on a witches costume. The joke of course is that she did not see herself as a witch, when in all other respects; she was depicted as a mean witch in the show.
However funny or inappropriate the joke may be in today's climate, it does shed light on the idea that most peoples first assumptions with Masks, is that Masks are trying to hide a persons true intentions and that the Mask being presented is not an indication of the person behind it.
The further irony of the above example is that in the majority of cases, real witches (not the kind that appear in popular media, but the kind of women and men who take part in a variety of healing arts and religious practices) happen to actually be some of the most pleasant people sometimes.
Even mean Lucy reveals at the end of the show, how much she actually does care for her younger brother who defied her the entire episode. She wakes up at 4 a.m., concerned that he is not in his bedroom, and fetches him from the cold pumpkin patch where he is shivering and half asleep. She does not scold him. She just brings him home and tucks him into a warm bed.
Sometimes, we wear Masks, not to deceive people, but to feel safe and protected, to hide away our insecurities, our fears, and to prevent us from feeling too vulnerable.
It is OK to want to feel safe. It is normal and human of us. For the purposes of finding love and connecting with others, the key is not about doing away with Masks.
The key is about being just guarded enough that we protect ourselves, while at the same time test the people around us, so that we can share ourselves slowly as the other people earn enough of our trust for us to feel safe in being with them Mask free.
I wish you all bountiful loot bags, and may you never have to say that all you got was a rock.
Happy Halloween!
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Seductive Halloween Costumes
Seductive Halloween Costumes
By Frank Kermit
I have always loved Halloween. It is likely one of my most favorite days of the year, except for the fact that I do not like being scared, scaring others, nor the celebration of gore and villains that some Halloween celebrations have turned it into. The part that I love about Halloween is the dress up part. I have always seen it as an opportunity to try on a new persona.
Whether it was to bring out and possibly exaggerate a hidden part of you that has always existed, or the freedom to try out a persona completely outside your own self, I have always adored Halloween as a means of self-exploration. It is one of the few times people feel safe to do so in public because under the Halloween banner, it is more socially acceptable.
Halloween costumes can be anything you want. However, when it comes to dating and relationship coaching, even Halloween costumes can have more intent and meaning attached.
For example, if you are going to a Halloween costume party, your choice of costume can very well influence your ability to attract a single person to you, or make a statement about you already being in a relationship.
If you are in a newly formed relationship and are ready to make a more public statement about it to your existing social circles, the right pair of costumes may suit you well.
For example, if you are in a relationship, you and your partner may want to wear complimentary costumes, so that the message of “we-come-together” is better stated. Couples themed costumes help send the message that you are there to have fun with your partner, but there is no mistaking that the two of you came together, and will leave together.
For example, Couples who wear Peanut Butter and Jelly costumes respectively, Partners in Crime Jail Bird Costumes, even a bride and groom costume (get imaginative with the marriage theme). All of them serve to point out that you are one of a pair that come-and-go together. These categories also include going in costume as well known twosomes such as Fred and Wilma Flintstone, Star Trek’s Riker and Troi, and even Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb.
If you are single, the best advice I can offer about your choice of costume is to pick something that will meet two criteria.
The first is to pick a costume that has a story to it. Nothing more seductive than the ability to tell a story about a peak life experience of yours, or being able to share a part of yourself that is brought up in conversation through your costume. If you were hoping you would get the chance to talk about your last skydiving jump, or scaling a dangerous cliff, then costumes of skydivers and rock climbers are just the ticket. If you were hoping to let a potential partner know how much you believe in magical love connections, maybe a costume of a wizard may be in order to help you cast your spell of attraction.
These also include costumes of romantic figures such as Zorro, various superheroes, and professions of doctors, nurses, police officers, fire fighters and other fantasy fueling costumes. If there is any sort of stereotypical fantasy role-playing involved, these costumes may bring you some attention that you can capitalize on to meet other singles seeking the same.
The second is to pick a costume that allows for more intimate interactions, just in case you do happen to meet someone you really like and want to get closer to that night. To put it more bluntly, if you are single and seeking to select the right costume, pick something that you could easily initiate and take part in a make-out session. If you have to remove your mask just to be able to kiss, it is not a seductive costume.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Couples Halloween Costumes Ideas
Couples, Costumes and Halloween
By Frank Kermit
Halloween is a great time for couples to have fun.
If you are in a newly formed couple and want everyone to know about it, or a well-established couple that wants to do something together for Halloween, here are some costume ideas for couples.
First, couples that dress up as well known, successful couples have a variety of costumes to choose from.
Fred and Wilma, Homer and Marge, Shrek and Fiona, Gomez and Morticia, Popeye and Olive, and Mickey and Minnie just to name a few.
These costumes are for the couples that really want to send out a message that they are at a Halloween party together as a couple.
With this theme in mind, I recommend that such couples stay away from costumes of couples that did not last. Thus, no Sonny and Cher, Kermit and Piggy, or Lucy and Ricky. (Most recently we found out that Han Solo and Leia did not stay together either).
Next are couples costumes that mostly represent two characters from the same story or theme, but not necessarily characters that were ever romantically involved.
These include the couples costumes of Gru and a Minion, Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf, Pacman and Ghost, two random superheroes, and Toy Story’s Woody and Jessie (Jessie was actually romantically linked with the character Buzz Lightyear, not Sheriff Woody).
Also included in this group are Cat in the Hat’s Thing 1 and Thing 2, a Matador and Bull couples costume, and Dorothy and Scarecrow costume pair from Wizard of Oz (honorable mention for Cookie Monster and a Cookie).
The challenge here is that although they are part of the same theme, it does not use the symbolism of actual characters that are romantically involved couples.
They are all great costumes, but not necessary the best possible costumes for couples looking to make a statement.
Personally I believe the best costumes are Costume Set-Pairs:
This means that unto itself, the individual costume looks like it is incomplete alone and requires something else to go with it, so the natural inclination is to assume there is a partner costume to go with it.
These types of costume pairings tend to be gender neutral.
These include Puzzle Pieces costume (especially if the two costume pieces fit together), Pair of Dice, Peanut Butter and Jelly, Day and Night, and even specially designed Salt and Pepper Shakers.
In cases like these, when you see one half of the couple such as Eggs, there is no mistaken, that somewhere in the party is that person’s favorite Bacon.
Final word of caution: although wonderful at certain kinds of parties, highly sexualized costumes may not be the best idea.
Pimp and Hoe, Hefner and Bunny, body parts, contraceptives, and fetish fantasy costumes are all great costumes, however it may invite other party goers to approach you both for more than just a costume compliment.
If either of you are the jealous type, you could be setting yourself up for some uncomfortable situations.
In short, do not subject yourself to other people’s tricks just because you wish to treat yourself to a titillating couples costume.
Have a safe, fun and loving Halloween!
By Frank Kermit
Halloween is a great time for couples to have fun.
If you are in a newly formed couple and want everyone to know about it, or a well-established couple that wants to do something together for Halloween, here are some costume ideas for couples.
First, couples that dress up as well known, successful couples have a variety of costumes to choose from.
Fred and Wilma, Homer and Marge, Shrek and Fiona, Gomez and Morticia, Popeye and Olive, and Mickey and Minnie just to name a few.
These costumes are for the couples that really want to send out a message that they are at a Halloween party together as a couple.
With this theme in mind, I recommend that such couples stay away from costumes of couples that did not last. Thus, no Sonny and Cher, Kermit and Piggy, or Lucy and Ricky. (Most recently we found out that Han Solo and Leia did not stay together either).
Next are couples costumes that mostly represent two characters from the same story or theme, but not necessarily characters that were ever romantically involved.
These include the couples costumes of Gru and a Minion, Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf, Pacman and Ghost, two random superheroes, and Toy Story’s Woody and Jessie (Jessie was actually romantically linked with the character Buzz Lightyear, not Sheriff Woody).
Also included in this group are Cat in the Hat’s Thing 1 and Thing 2, a Matador and Bull couples costume, and Dorothy and Scarecrow costume pair from Wizard of Oz (honorable mention for Cookie Monster and a Cookie).
The challenge here is that although they are part of the same theme, it does not use the symbolism of actual characters that are romantically involved couples.
They are all great costumes, but not necessary the best possible costumes for couples looking to make a statement.
Personally I believe the best costumes are Costume Set-Pairs:
This means that unto itself, the individual costume looks like it is incomplete alone and requires something else to go with it, so the natural inclination is to assume there is a partner costume to go with it.
These types of costume pairings tend to be gender neutral.
These include Puzzle Pieces costume (especially if the two costume pieces fit together), Pair of Dice, Peanut Butter and Jelly, Day and Night, and even specially designed Salt and Pepper Shakers.
In cases like these, when you see one half of the couple such as Eggs, there is no mistaken, that somewhere in the party is that person’s favorite Bacon.
Final word of caution: although wonderful at certain kinds of parties, highly sexualized costumes may not be the best idea.
Pimp and Hoe, Hefner and Bunny, body parts, contraceptives, and fetish fantasy costumes are all great costumes, however it may invite other party goers to approach you both for more than just a costume compliment.
If either of you are the jealous type, you could be setting yourself up for some uncomfortable situations.
In short, do not subject yourself to other people’s tricks just because you wish to treat yourself to a titillating couples costume.
Have a safe, fun and loving Halloween!
- Published on
Credibility Creates Commitment
Credibility Creates Commitment
By Frank Kermit
When someone comes to me for coaching to figure out why they are still single despite being able to attract a number of partners to date, I start coaching them with an assessment of what happens on those dates to look for actions and behaviors that may be turning off potential life partners. Most people are often unaware of the things they may be doing or saying that causes the other person to halt any potential commitment.
One of the behaviors that I often spot is how a person lacks credibility in the way they communicate, which I believe to be a source of why they may be able to attract a lot of dates, but none of them turn into a serious commitment. Although there are people who are commitment-phobic (who self sabotage a potential serious relationship because of a deep rooted fear that a committed relationship is related to more pain than it would bring pleasure), this is not always the case when dealing with people that WANT a serious commitment and associate being single with being in pain.
An easy way to summarize a lack of credibility is whether or not someone is caught breaking his or her own rules. It does not matter what your rules are per se; what matters is if you break your own rules. For example:
If you mention that family values are important to you, but you are caught trying to get out of a parent-teacher meeting, you lack credibility. In the mind of your date, if family values were as important to you as you claimed you would be willing to attend the parent-teacher meetings regardless if it means having to attend with your ex, because it is about your kids (your family). You lack credibility.
If you mention that you do not like seafood on a date, because you sense that your date does not like seafood and you want your date to like you, but you are caught ordering seafood at a later time because you forgot what you said that first meeting, you lack credibility. In the mind of your date, if you are willing to lie about something small because you wanted to be liked, then you likely will lie about something big down the road to avoid the possible conflicts it would bring. You lack credibility.
If you mention on a date that you do not have sex unless in a committed relationship, and then proceed to have sex with the person you are seeing before any serious commitment has been established because it felt right, you lack credibility. In the mind of your date, if you are willing to go break your rules just because you felt like it in the moment, how is your date suppose to trust any promise you make, if there is a chance you will break your promises because of the way you may feel in the moment. You lack credibility.
It is not the facts that you would rather avoid dealing with an ex, ordered the halibut, or had sex sooner than later because it felt right. What you are being judged on is that you said one thing (your rules) and did another thing (your actions). This lack of congruence is what are scaring people away from getting serious with you.
Think of it this way. A serious relationship can be a risky endeavor. A person may risk their children (having an unfit step parent can affect custody not to mention the safety of the children), their resources (what people lose in a divorce), their financial credit (sharing of debt repayment), even their very way of life (image the ways of losing your profession because you made a bad partner choice).
So if someone is looking to find a person to make a commitment too, that commit must be earned. Lacking credibility because of the way you break your own rules destroys the desire to commit. Credibility-Creates-Commitment.
- Published on
This is a contributed post.
While traditions are beautiful, it’s important to remember that your wedding day is ultimately about you and your partner. You can follow traditions, but you don't have to be completely bound by them. And so if you want to do things a little differently or break the mold- go for it! It’s the perfect time to get creative, and really have fun with all of the little details. Here are just a few of the ways you can bring in a fantastic, personal element into your wedding.
A Wedding Website
Wedding websites are becoming more and more common, and are a great addition to your wedding. You can link your wedding gift list from here, information about how to find the venue and even photos and stories about you and your partner. It’s interactive since guests will be able to post comments, and is a fun way to get people involved and build up to the big day.
Stationery
Your wedding stationery is one of the first things your guests will see about your big day, so you’ll want to make a good impression. It might also give them clues to your wedding such as the style and colors you are going to use. You could have a designer create something for you, or even have a go yourself if you have good design skills. Alternatively, you could invest in personalised wedding stationery from Paper Themes or similar companies offering this service.
A Wedding Website
Wedding websites are becoming more and more common, and are a great addition to your wedding. You can link your wedding gift list from here, information about how to find the venue and even photos and stories about you and your partner. It’s interactive since guests will be able to post comments, and is a fun way to get people involved and build up to the big day.
Stationery
Your wedding stationery is one of the first things your guests will see about your big day, so you’ll want to make a good impression. It might also give them clues to your wedding such as the style and colors you are going to use. You could have a designer create something for you, or even have a go yourself if you have good design skills. Alternatively, you could invest in personalised wedding stationery from Paper Themes or similar companies offering this service.
Wedding Invitations https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6b/DreamDay_Invitations_-_Birdcage_Wedding_Invitations.jpg
Favours
Wedding favours are a fun way to show your guests your appreciation for coming and are an excellent way to get creative. If you have a smaller wedding, you could personalise them to each guest. But if that’s not possible you could put together different favours for men, women and children. It could be anything from confectionery to a miniature candle to bath products to a miniature bottle of champagne. You could even get crafty and make something yourself. Although it might be best to do this well ahead of time since you’re likely to be busy close to the day itself. Decide on the kinds of things your guests are most likely to enjoy and put together a favour based on that.
Wedding Rings
There’s nothing wrong with a beautiful store bought the wedding ring. But if you’re looking to take it a step further, why not have bespoke rings made? This gives you full control about the metal, any stone placements, the width and just the overall look of the rings. Plus if you wanted to go with something a bit more unusual that you’re not likely to find pre-made then this is a good way to go. You know that no-one else is going to have the exact same piece and it’s totally personalised to you and your partner.
Wedding Cake and/ or Cake Topper
Even if you want to stick with quite a traditionally themed wedding, the cake is one area that you can really have fun with. There are tons of absolutely incredible wedding cake designers out there. They are able to put you together something that’s completely unique. If an alternative wedding cake is a little out of your comfort zone, why not personalise it with a fun topper instead? You can have these designed to look like you and your partner on places like Etsy. They don’t even have to be human looking versions of you. It could be anything from animals to aliens depending on what reflects your interests the most!
Dogs
Our dogs really are part of the family, and so if you want them to be a part of your big day then why not? Check with the venue to see if there are any restrictions, at the very least you should be able to have some photos taken with them outdoors with your guests. Providing your dog is social and comfortable being in groups of people, if not you could just arrange some photos with you the dog and the groom. Since you and your wedding party are likely to be busy on the day itself, your best bet would be to hire a pet sitter. They can bring them in when needed and then drop them back at home afterwards without you having to mess around or worry.
Wedding favours are a fun way to show your guests your appreciation for coming and are an excellent way to get creative. If you have a smaller wedding, you could personalise them to each guest. But if that’s not possible you could put together different favours for men, women and children. It could be anything from confectionery to a miniature candle to bath products to a miniature bottle of champagne. You could even get crafty and make something yourself. Although it might be best to do this well ahead of time since you’re likely to be busy close to the day itself. Decide on the kinds of things your guests are most likely to enjoy and put together a favour based on that.
Wedding Rings
There’s nothing wrong with a beautiful store bought the wedding ring. But if you’re looking to take it a step further, why not have bespoke rings made? This gives you full control about the metal, any stone placements, the width and just the overall look of the rings. Plus if you wanted to go with something a bit more unusual that you’re not likely to find pre-made then this is a good way to go. You know that no-one else is going to have the exact same piece and it’s totally personalised to you and your partner.
Wedding Cake and/ or Cake Topper
Even if you want to stick with quite a traditionally themed wedding, the cake is one area that you can really have fun with. There are tons of absolutely incredible wedding cake designers out there. They are able to put you together something that’s completely unique. If an alternative wedding cake is a little out of your comfort zone, why not personalise it with a fun topper instead? You can have these designed to look like you and your partner on places like Etsy. They don’t even have to be human looking versions of you. It could be anything from animals to aliens depending on what reflects your interests the most!
Dogs
Our dogs really are part of the family, and so if you want them to be a part of your big day then why not? Check with the venue to see if there are any restrictions, at the very least you should be able to have some photos taken with them outdoors with your guests. Providing your dog is social and comfortable being in groups of people, if not you could just arrange some photos with you the dog and the groom. Since you and your wedding party are likely to be busy on the day itself, your best bet would be to hire a pet sitter. They can bring them in when needed and then drop them back at home afterwards without you having to mess around or worry.
Wedding Dog https://pixabay.com/static/uploads/photo/2015/01/22/19/36/dog-608211_960_720.jpg
Shoes
Since most wedding dresses are full length, it means the bride is able to have fun with shoe choices. On the outside, it can look like you’re dressed very traditionally. But underneath you could be wearing anything from big gothic boots or bright pink converse! It’s a nice way to bring in your personality in a more subtle way. They can be shown in certain photos, but the rest can stay looking traditional and bridal if that’s what you prefer.
Since most wedding dresses are full length, it means the bride is able to have fun with shoe choices. On the outside, it can look like you’re dressed very traditionally. But underneath you could be wearing anything from big gothic boots or bright pink converse! It’s a nice way to bring in your personality in a more subtle way. They can be shown in certain photos, but the rest can stay looking traditional and bridal if that’s what you prefer.
Wedding Dance https://pixabay.com/static/uploads/photo/2015/02/14/02/18/bridal-636018_960_720.jpg
Flowers
Flowers can be an expensive element of a wedding, but if you plan it well, you can save costs and make it more personal. Growing your own, and asking friends and family to grow some blooms to or contribute some from their gardens is a fantastic option. You could also pick wildflowers (although make sure you check it’s legal from where you’re picking them from- certain areas will be restricted) which is an inexpensive way to add some rustic charm to your wedding. Alternatively, you could decorate your wedding with balloons to keep flower costs down. This way you’re able to bring in your wedding colors and brighten up the reception room without having to fill every area with flowers. You can buy ‘balloon arches’ and other types of arrangements for weddings. Then all you need is a helium machine and plenty of balloons in your wedding colors.
Guestbook
There are so many creative wedding guest book ideas online that you could incorporate into your wedding. A particularly good one is to leave out a Polaroid camera and have guests snap pictures of themselves and write a message on the back. Then you can display the images however you want. For example, you could clip them onto pieces of string inside a photo frame, and turn them into a piece of wall art to remember your wedding day.
- Published on
Confidence is a skill that can be learned
Use the Power of Hypnosis to Exude Confidence on Your Next Date
by Ariel Sherker
Arielhypnosis.ca
When it comes to dating, I will have to admit that I am not an expert on the topic.
I am however an expert on the topic of confidence, a tool that can get you far in the world of dating and anywhere else you choose to use it. Confidence is a skill that can be learnt and hypnosis can speed up the process and fast track you on the path of successful dating.
Hypnosis is based upon the power of a suggestion and the strongest suggestions are those that we give to ourselves. When it comes to hypnosis for confidence, the subject in a trance state goes through a journey of planting the seed of confidence deep within their subconscious mind. Like all seeds, this one too needs to be nurtured to grow.
Positive action combined with self awareness becomes the vital nourishment that will generate a deeper feeling of confidence. In fact what it comes down to is that confidence builds more confidence and our job is to recognize our own abilities and then watch them grow.
Next time you are on a date, consider the following actions that will boost your level of confidence:
- Before you even meet your date, take a full breath and focus on letting go of any expectations thus opening yourself up to the fullest potential of actually enjoying the experience.
- Upon meeting, look your date in their eyes and take your time while you remind yourself in your inner voice; "I am a confident being and I have nothing to lose and everything to experience." What the mind believes, the body will follow.
- Sit up straight and smile, a confident posture lends to a confident mind.
- Ask questions from that voice of confidence, the one that is able to speak with little thought because it trusts that the words come out are just right. Remind yourself; "I am an intelligent being and I am interested in knowing this person."
- Most importantly, enjoy yourself. Every date becomes an opportunity to meet a new person, share some stories and to realize your own confidence.
Hopefully there is a mutual interest in knowing more about this person and another date will follow. If not, no worries because you have gathered experience and have nourished your seed of confidence either way. As in all learning, the more we practice the better we get.
Ariel Sherker is a highly trained and a certified hypnotist with the National Guild of Hypnotists, a certified instructor of hypnosis as well as a motivational speaker. She has explored the globe mastering the art of Holistic Health, Nutrition and Mind/Body Medicine. She uses hypnosis to guide clients onto a path of success and help them to develop their mind with the aspiration to simplify their journey of great achievements.
Arielhypnosis.ca
- Published on
This is a contributed post.
Sunset Proposal https://pixabay.com/en/lovers-pair-love-sunset-romance-1259124/
Planning to propose is one of the most nerve-wracking times of a man's life. This is a decision that is going to influence the rest of your life - not being nervous about it is a bad sign. This is something that you should be taking very seriously indeed.
It's made all the harder when the expectations on the proposal itself - not just what it signifies - are becoming greater. No long is it enough to want to spend your life with someone; you're now expected to have a great story to tell when people ask how it happened.
Given the magnitude of what's ahead, perhaps it's time to look at the other perspective. Women who have been proposed to have the best take of all of what the experience should be like, and here's their thoughts. So as not to embarrass anyone, they have chosen to share their stories on condition of anonymity. Names have been changed for the same reason.
"I wish it had been more straightforward."
Anna was proposed to by her boyfriend, Tom, after two years of dating. "He did a big thing," she recalls. "Gathered around our family and friends, had a whole speech planned out and even had a song. It was sweet, but I think I'd have preferred the moment to be about just us. It depends on the woman, but sometimes, less is more."
They married six months ago and are now expecting their first child.
"I was disappointed by the ring."
Adrienne and Josh had been together for five years, but the proposal was still unexpected. "I was worried by it, to be honest," she admits. "The ring was not something I would choose at all. It made me wonder how well he knew me. I love Tacori wedding rings and anything with a modern twist, but this was very standard engagement ring. I don't care about price, but it would have been nice to think he'd put some effort in."
Nevertheless, they married. Adrienne has yet to tell Josh she dislikes her engagement ring. "It's still the one he chose so it'll always be special," she reflects, "but I made sure I had an input when we selected the wedding bands!"
"He got it spot on!"
When Aiden proposed to Louisa, it was not a surprise. "We'd talked about it beforehand," she says, dismissing the idea this is not romantic. "I think that was important. He still did a whole down-on-one-knee thing, but I believe it was better because it was expected. And it was less nerve-wracking for him too, as he already knew the answer! Maybe it's not romantic, but it definitely made more sense for us as a couple."
They are planning to have a destination wedding, though a recent house move has put this back a year. "You can't plan everything, so it turns out," Louisa laughs.
So What To Take From This?
1. Know your bride and the things she likes.
2. Consider venturing the idea before taking the plunge; the surprise element is not always on your side.
3. Don't think you have to go all out on a proposal. Sometimes, less is more.
Happy proposing!
Frog Love Meme https://pixabay.com/en/i-beg-your-pardon-marriage-proposal-1089737/
- Published on
Click the image to check out my Adult Male Virgin System
Should a Male Virgin Pay For Sex?
by Frank Kermit
For the record, I must issue a disclaimer that I am not against prostitution.
I think that as long as it is between consenting adults, it is no one's business.
I think sex work needs to be decriminalized and legal.
With that said...
Every now and then, when people find out that I coach Adult Male Virgins (AMVs)
they ask why don't AMVs simply pay for sex and get it over with.
Yup, that is right. As I describe in my THE ADULT MALE VIRGINS HANDBOOK EBOOK
The same people that would scorn a man for being an AMV,
scolding him for paying a hooker or escort for sex,
also scorn him for not having done so yet.
Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't.
by Frank Kermit
For the record, I must issue a disclaimer that I am not against prostitution.
I think that as long as it is between consenting adults, it is no one's business.
I think sex work needs to be decriminalized and legal.
With that said...
Every now and then, when people find out that I coach Adult Male Virgins (AMVs)
they ask why don't AMVs simply pay for sex and get it over with.
Yup, that is right. As I describe in my THE ADULT MALE VIRGINS HANDBOOK EBOOK
The same people that would scorn a man for being an AMV,
scolding him for paying a hooker or escort for sex,
also scorn him for not having done so yet.
Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't.
Don't Let Guilt and Shame Hold You Back From Finding Sex, Love and Dating
Here is something I want to make clear to you.
Paying for sex does not solve all your problems.
In fact, all it does is trade your problems for different problems.
Men who frequent prostitutes tend to become reliant on prostitutes.
It is a very dangerous habit to get into.
A woman that views sex with a man as a mere transaction, has no motivation to see him become independent of her nor is she likely happy for him if he finds a girlfriend or wife that he would be monogamous with. His independence would directly affect her bottom line.
Every AMV that I have ever coached that paid for sex, (still emotionally a virgin if not a physical one) still felt the emptiness of never feeling loved by a woman.
And that does not get solved by paying for sex.
Sure, it solves some of the physical cravings, at least temporarily until they come up again.
But it does not address the emotional needs and desires of
wanting to be wanted by someone that does not need to be paid.
But it does not address the emotional needs and desires of
wanting to be wanted by someone that does not need to be paid.
Even worse, a man only gets to develop
Real Sex Skills
when he practices with a woman
that isn't being paid to tell him he is great.
An Ebook for just after you lose your V-Card, and what to do next
The Paradox:
Paying for sex is for guys that can already get sex without paying for it.
So, if you were thinking that paying for sex will solve the problem...
I can tell you from the experience of my client base...and those that attended my Adult Male Virgin Seminars who shared their stories, it does not.
It is time to Take The Luck Out Of Love and sign up for Coaching.
P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add?
Write your thoughts in the comments below and SHARE this article to see how many of your friends think like you.
P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add?
Write your thoughts in the comments below and SHARE this article to see how many of your friends think like you.
Sign up to talk with Dating and Relationship Expect Coach Frank Kermit
