- Published on
The Frank Law of Attraction
The Frank Law of Attraction
Originally published July 18, 2016, updated April 20, 2018
By Frank Kermit
The Frank Law of Attraction is based on one single premise:
What you do to get the person
must be the same thing as what
you do to keep the person.
Most attraction tactics focus on getting someone to like you, however they do not focus on keeping that person around.
That is the paradox of most pick up strategies as those routines focus on getting someone immediately turned on; but has no substance to keep any serious long term relationship alive.
Here are some of the talks that come up with men and women in my coaching sessions when perpetually single people come in and want to figure out why they cannot find someone that wants to commit to him or her long term, despite the fact they have less trouble finding short term volunteers.
If you do not want her to leave when the money runs out, then do not use money as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when your breasts start to sag, then do not use your breasts as your primary means of attracting him.
If you do not want her to leave when the adventure of traveling must be replaced by settling down to manage your responsibilities, then do not use adventures of traveling as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when the sex ends, then do not use sex as your primary means of attracting him.
If you do not want her to leave when your buff body suffers life altering health problems, then do not use your buff body as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when the lies get found out, then do not use lies as your primary means of attracting him.
If you do not want her to leave when she discovers you have no intention of being monogamous, then do not use the promise of monogamy as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when youthful beauty fades, then do not use your youthful beauty as your primary means of attracting him.
If you do not want her to leave when you can no longer afford lavish gifts, then do not use lavish gifts as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when you stop supporting his drug habit, then do not use enabling his habit as your primary means of attracting him.
If you do not want her to leave when you demand that she stop flirting with every man she knows, then do not use admiration of her flirtatious nature as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when you admit that you do not want to have kids, then do not use the promise of a family as your primary means of attracting him.
Whatever you plan to use to keep the person with you long term, needs to be the very elements that you must use to attract the person.
These include your common values, your similar life plans and goals, and your personality and ability to connect.
Frank Kermit
emotional needs of a girl
Don't you hate how what you do to attract someone tends to be different than the skills to keep them?
NOT WITH THIS SYSTEM!
In Frank's Emotional Needs, what you do to attract someone is THE SAME THING you do to KEEP THEM!
Imagine, how easy it is to learn ONE SYSTEM that does it all!
emotional needs of a boy
- Published on
The Pregnancy Test Scam - But is it Real?
By Frank Kermit
There is a disturbing trend that seems to be happening that involves pregnant women supplementing their income by selling positive pregnancy tests online to women who want to use the pregnancy testing device with a positive marking to possibly con their boyfriends or male lovers into proposing marriage. At least that is what the ads claim could happen.
An ad on Craigslist claims that the expectant mother, "is selling used testing sticks for $25 each, saying she's been asked so many times, she had decided to start charging." In my own search I also found one on ebay with a listing description of: "Clear & simple brand positive pregnancy test. Done on day of postage. Good for a prank."
Is this what it has really come too? Unable to empower herself into a committed relationship, and despite having the full freedom of choice to move on and find a new partner when the one she is with refuses to step up and take their relationship to the next level, that there are women who would rather stay with a man that continually rejects her such that she has to attempt to scam him into getting serious?
I wonder at what point will the women, who are successful in getting a proposal with this ruse, turn around and realize they will have to keep the lie going? For example, to what lengths will she go to fake a miscarriage? Will she then try extra hard to get pregnant for real right after the proposal and fake being overdue the 40 week gestational period (assuming she gets pregnant at all)? Is this even something seriously considered by some women? If not, then what is the market that has such a high demand for these positive pregnancy tests (besides an entire audience that wants to prank their loved ones)?
Mind you, when I see the number of women in my practice who waste years of their lives, as time runs out on their biological clocks, waiting for their male lovers and boyfriends to "change his mind", I have to believe it is more likely than not. At least these women are not "accidentally" forgetting to take their birth control pills as a means to get what they want (a pregnancy their male partners did not consent too).
To the ladies that are actually buying the positive pregnancy tests as a means to trick your male sex partners into a proposal; if nothing else, consider this: When your boyfriend or male lover is not as interested in committing to you the way you would want him to commit, the best choice is to stop seeing him and find a man that wants to be with you. Trying to change the man you are with, or worse, having to scam him into that kind of commitment, will land you alone. If the truth of what you did coming out does not bring about your abandonment, then surely the repeating behavior pattern that this scam reflects will be your downfall.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
There is a disturbing trend that seems to be happening that involves pregnant women supplementing their income by selling positive pregnancy tests online to women who want to use the pregnancy testing device with a positive marking to possibly con their boyfriends or male lovers into proposing marriage. At least that is what the ads claim could happen.
An ad on Craigslist claims that the expectant mother, "is selling used testing sticks for $25 each, saying she's been asked so many times, she had decided to start charging." In my own search I also found one on ebay with a listing description of: "Clear & simple brand positive pregnancy test. Done on day of postage. Good for a prank."
Is this what it has really come too? Unable to empower herself into a committed relationship, and despite having the full freedom of choice to move on and find a new partner when the one she is with refuses to step up and take their relationship to the next level, that there are women who would rather stay with a man that continually rejects her such that she has to attempt to scam him into getting serious?
I wonder at what point will the women, who are successful in getting a proposal with this ruse, turn around and realize they will have to keep the lie going? For example, to what lengths will she go to fake a miscarriage? Will she then try extra hard to get pregnant for real right after the proposal and fake being overdue the 40 week gestational period (assuming she gets pregnant at all)? Is this even something seriously considered by some women? If not, then what is the market that has such a high demand for these positive pregnancy tests (besides an entire audience that wants to prank their loved ones)?
Mind you, when I see the number of women in my practice who waste years of their lives, as time runs out on their biological clocks, waiting for their male lovers and boyfriends to "change his mind", I have to believe it is more likely than not. At least these women are not "accidentally" forgetting to take their birth control pills as a means to get what they want (a pregnancy their male partners did not consent too).
To the ladies that are actually buying the positive pregnancy tests as a means to trick your male sex partners into a proposal; if nothing else, consider this: When your boyfriend or male lover is not as interested in committing to you the way you would want him to commit, the best choice is to stop seeing him and find a man that wants to be with you. Trying to change the man you are with, or worse, having to scam him into that kind of commitment, will land you alone. If the truth of what you did coming out does not bring about your abandonment, then surely the repeating behavior pattern that this scam reflects will be your downfall.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Tattoos and Relationships:
Beware The L-I-N-K of Love and INK
By Frank Kermit
While at a coffee shop a few weeks ago, I met a tattoo artist. He had his son's name tattooed on his hand, and being the ever-inquisitive one, I asked him about his profession and the topic of getting the name of someone tattooed on your body. He told me that historically, sailors who traveled from port to port had a history of tattooing the name of the girl they spent most of their time with. At each new port, the name of the previous girl was crossed out, and underneath it was the name of the new girl he met that became the love of his life. The sailors would only spend a limited amount of time at each port, and then head back out to sea. This was also a period of time when vagabond sailors did not have any guarantee that they would be returning to another port, and die at sea; so in essence, they had to make the most of the romance they had today, for tomorrow they may all die. With that in mind, those sailors had very little to lose to the L-I-N-K (love and ink).
People in modern times are a different story. The artist told me that he believes that tattooing the name of children on a parent is likely the more acceptable (if not the most acceptable) form of name tattooing because you will always be a parent, and a parent is suppose to always love their children. However he cautioned against tattooing the name of a partner (whether it be someone you are simply dating, or a spouse). In his business, he simply has seen too many good intentioned lovers end up regretting getting their partner's name tattooed on their bodies, and have to end up deciding if they wanted the tattoo removed, or covered up with another tattoo (such as a simple black bar or a more elaborate design). Body modification (piercing, plastic surgery, tattoos and such) does not carry with them the stigmas they used too. Younger people are more accepting of their peers who apply them, celebrities who earn their spotlight though their ability to continue to garner attention indirectly endorse it by having it done, older people who have mostly lived quiet, law-abiding lives sometimes want to experience the rebellious rejuvenation by having something done in the golden years of their lives. But regardless of all of that, getting the name of your partner tattooed, is still something that some tattoo artists simply refuse to do because of the high risk of regret that may follow such actions.
What is very strongly recommended is that a symbol be used, instead of a direct name. The symbol could be something that represents how the couple got together, or perhaps a common interest that the couple happens to share. For example, a character from the couple's favorite movie, or perhaps an image of a favorite flower if the couple had flowers play a role in their first date, or perhaps they have the same zodiac sign and that is the symbol they can use. It stands to reason that even if the couple breaks up after the tattoo is completed, that those tattoo images can still have meanings that do not just reflect the past relationship, but a still relevant element of the person that has been marked.
I have never had the experience of having a lover want to get my name tattooed on her body. In my younger years, during a very passionately intense time in my life when I lived a much more adventurous lifestyle, the closest I ever got to having a lover have my name tattooed on her body was when I would scribble my initials on my lovers skin using a felt tipped marker. Now before, anyone gets upset, everyone involved was a consenting adult, the marker ink washed off, and it was always areas of skin that were covered in clothing. Some of the women I did this with actually got a thrill, as if I had been some cave man brut who was marking his territory. In fact, one lover made it a point to go shower at the gym to "show off" to the other girls that she had been "marked by her man". There were others who agreed to it for fun, thou I caught them rolling their eyes at how giddy I had become in doing it (well, so much for my masterful masculine image huh?).
But that is exactly the point...it was not permanent, so it could be fun. I may never have a Frank fan that would L-I-N-K to me. This is probably a good thing, as I may just be a passing fad or phase to them. But Oh, so help me, I can not help but feel a little ego boost at the thought that someone would be enthused with me that much to consider doing it...maybe that is why, despite the obvious risks of tattooing a partner's name on your body, this practice is continues to be done by a handful of lovers and artists. It is not just about how the marked person feels about the named person being inscribed. It can also be about how it makes the named person feel. If you are going to tattoo the name of your lover, or want your lovers to tattoo your name on them, be sure you all know the risks. If you have any doubts regarding facing those risks at a later time, then do not do it.
Frank Kermit
Beware The L-I-N-K of Love and INK
By Frank Kermit
While at a coffee shop a few weeks ago, I met a tattoo artist. He had his son's name tattooed on his hand, and being the ever-inquisitive one, I asked him about his profession and the topic of getting the name of someone tattooed on your body. He told me that historically, sailors who traveled from port to port had a history of tattooing the name of the girl they spent most of their time with. At each new port, the name of the previous girl was crossed out, and underneath it was the name of the new girl he met that became the love of his life. The sailors would only spend a limited amount of time at each port, and then head back out to sea. This was also a period of time when vagabond sailors did not have any guarantee that they would be returning to another port, and die at sea; so in essence, they had to make the most of the romance they had today, for tomorrow they may all die. With that in mind, those sailors had very little to lose to the L-I-N-K (love and ink).
People in modern times are a different story. The artist told me that he believes that tattooing the name of children on a parent is likely the more acceptable (if not the most acceptable) form of name tattooing because you will always be a parent, and a parent is suppose to always love their children. However he cautioned against tattooing the name of a partner (whether it be someone you are simply dating, or a spouse). In his business, he simply has seen too many good intentioned lovers end up regretting getting their partner's name tattooed on their bodies, and have to end up deciding if they wanted the tattoo removed, or covered up with another tattoo (such as a simple black bar or a more elaborate design). Body modification (piercing, plastic surgery, tattoos and such) does not carry with them the stigmas they used too. Younger people are more accepting of their peers who apply them, celebrities who earn their spotlight though their ability to continue to garner attention indirectly endorse it by having it done, older people who have mostly lived quiet, law-abiding lives sometimes want to experience the rebellious rejuvenation by having something done in the golden years of their lives. But regardless of all of that, getting the name of your partner tattooed, is still something that some tattoo artists simply refuse to do because of the high risk of regret that may follow such actions.
What is very strongly recommended is that a symbol be used, instead of a direct name. The symbol could be something that represents how the couple got together, or perhaps a common interest that the couple happens to share. For example, a character from the couple's favorite movie, or perhaps an image of a favorite flower if the couple had flowers play a role in their first date, or perhaps they have the same zodiac sign and that is the symbol they can use. It stands to reason that even if the couple breaks up after the tattoo is completed, that those tattoo images can still have meanings that do not just reflect the past relationship, but a still relevant element of the person that has been marked.
I have never had the experience of having a lover want to get my name tattooed on her body. In my younger years, during a very passionately intense time in my life when I lived a much more adventurous lifestyle, the closest I ever got to having a lover have my name tattooed on her body was when I would scribble my initials on my lovers skin using a felt tipped marker. Now before, anyone gets upset, everyone involved was a consenting adult, the marker ink washed off, and it was always areas of skin that were covered in clothing. Some of the women I did this with actually got a thrill, as if I had been some cave man brut who was marking his territory. In fact, one lover made it a point to go shower at the gym to "show off" to the other girls that she had been "marked by her man". There were others who agreed to it for fun, thou I caught them rolling their eyes at how giddy I had become in doing it (well, so much for my masterful masculine image huh?).
But that is exactly the point...it was not permanent, so it could be fun. I may never have a Frank fan that would L-I-N-K to me. This is probably a good thing, as I may just be a passing fad or phase to them. But Oh, so help me, I can not help but feel a little ego boost at the thought that someone would be enthused with me that much to consider doing it...maybe that is why, despite the obvious risks of tattooing a partner's name on your body, this practice is continues to be done by a handful of lovers and artists. It is not just about how the marked person feels about the named person being inscribed. It can also be about how it makes the named person feel. If you are going to tattoo the name of your lover, or want your lovers to tattoo your name on them, be sure you all know the risks. If you have any doubts regarding facing those risks at a later time, then do not do it.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Entertainment is NOT Dating Education
By Frank Kermit
The entertainment industry is not concerned with educating audiences about relationships. The entertainment industry is only interested in one thing: entertaining you in a way that turns a profit. Although there is nothing wrong with entertainment such as movies, television, and so on and it is perfectly OK (and absolutely necessary) for businesses to turn a profit, the issue that I see in my practice, stems from the fact that human beings sometimes will mistake what has been produced for entertainment purposes only, as an example to be followed in their love lives.
Women wait to be rescued by a handsome rich stranger instead of building their own wealth and making efforts to seek out their own partners. Men assume that allowing women to mother them as just friends will eventually turn that friend into a lover. The stories that entertain us may also mislead us.
To be clear, the entertainment industry is not to blame, nor should it be censored or altered to be more educational. That is not its mandate. The issue is not the entertainment industry per se. It has to do with the fact that human beings are a species of influence-able creatures.
Environments influence human beings, including what we see, what we hear and what we experience; that environment includes what entertainment we are exposed too. If you removed every aspect of our entertainment lives, we would still be just as influenced by the people and events around us. Each time you witness one person helping another fix a flat tire, it shall influence you to likely help out the next person you see with a flat tire.
The key is not modifying our entertainment, but bringing in better education. As long as people are educated about how to think critically and rationally about anything in their environment that can and will influence them, then people can make sure to only take actions that are in their best long-term interests.
Whether people need an education to learn how to interpret TV shows, commercials, movies, theatre or have to learn to interpret their own families unhealthy repeating behavior patterns, it is important to understand that what you have always been exposed too, is not an automatic example of what is normal behavior to enact or take part in.
I wish I could say that people should look to their own families for examples of what love and relationships are instead of looking at our entertainment media.
Unfortunately, with the high divorce rates in place, it seems that the very people that needed to exemplify those patterns of love and relationships are failing miserably. A society of absolute choice when it comes to dating, but no actual skills to be able to manage that abundance of choice, is resulting in a chain of broken relations.
It always comes down to everyone having different emotional needs (whether healthy needs or not) and seeking to have those emotional needs addressed. However, a personal education in relationships is something people have to choose to take action on.
Until then at least remember that what entertains you does not equal what must educate you when it comes to finding love.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
The entertainment industry is not concerned with educating audiences about relationships. The entertainment industry is only interested in one thing: entertaining you in a way that turns a profit. Although there is nothing wrong with entertainment such as movies, television, and so on and it is perfectly OK (and absolutely necessary) for businesses to turn a profit, the issue that I see in my practice, stems from the fact that human beings sometimes will mistake what has been produced for entertainment purposes only, as an example to be followed in their love lives.
Women wait to be rescued by a handsome rich stranger instead of building their own wealth and making efforts to seek out their own partners. Men assume that allowing women to mother them as just friends will eventually turn that friend into a lover. The stories that entertain us may also mislead us.
To be clear, the entertainment industry is not to blame, nor should it be censored or altered to be more educational. That is not its mandate. The issue is not the entertainment industry per se. It has to do with the fact that human beings are a species of influence-able creatures.
Environments influence human beings, including what we see, what we hear and what we experience; that environment includes what entertainment we are exposed too. If you removed every aspect of our entertainment lives, we would still be just as influenced by the people and events around us. Each time you witness one person helping another fix a flat tire, it shall influence you to likely help out the next person you see with a flat tire.
The key is not modifying our entertainment, but bringing in better education. As long as people are educated about how to think critically and rationally about anything in their environment that can and will influence them, then people can make sure to only take actions that are in their best long-term interests.
Whether people need an education to learn how to interpret TV shows, commercials, movies, theatre or have to learn to interpret their own families unhealthy repeating behavior patterns, it is important to understand that what you have always been exposed too, is not an automatic example of what is normal behavior to enact or take part in.
I wish I could say that people should look to their own families for examples of what love and relationships are instead of looking at our entertainment media.
Unfortunately, with the high divorce rates in place, it seems that the very people that needed to exemplify those patterns of love and relationships are failing miserably. A society of absolute choice when it comes to dating, but no actual skills to be able to manage that abundance of choice, is resulting in a chain of broken relations.
It always comes down to everyone having different emotional needs (whether healthy needs or not) and seeking to have those emotional needs addressed. However, a personal education in relationships is something people have to choose to take action on.
Until then at least remember that what entertains you does not equal what must educate you when it comes to finding love.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
A Frank Comment on
Miley Cyrus VMA 2013 Performance
By Frank Kermit
I do not normally comment on the antics of popular culture, as so much of what we see of movies and TV are fiction based romances and relationships. I tried my best to stay focused on relationships in the real world and write about what realistically works and what does not.
Intrigued by the kafuffle of the Miley Cyrus performance at the 2013 Video Music Awards where Cyrus performed a sexually charged number with Robin Thicke I also had to comment. Cyrus who is now 20 years old was a child actress who performed the character of Hannah Montana from 2006 to 2011 on American TV, and part of a very strong brand of childrens entertainment under Disney.
Part of the controversy is that Disney strongly pushed the Hannah Montana franchise and branded the image of "Good Girl" Hannah so much that audiences associated those characteristics to actress Miley Cyrus. Even the good people at the Parent's Television Council were angered by Cyrus's more adult performance.
Folks, please, it is time for a Frank Reality Check. Miley Cyrus is an ACTRESS/PERFORMER who played the part of Hannah Montana. Her time in that role is over, and as an adult, she gets to decide what role her career can/must take to keep her making a living. Just like any of you will take on roles and jobs that other people may not like, when you get fired or laid off, but need to keep going. She is not a teenager anymore working for Disney. She is a grown woman that wants to take her career where she wants it to go.
It is time to respect that, whether you like it or not; she does not have to placate to the wishes of what everybody else wants her to be.
Cyrus is no different from her peers in terms of what she needs to do to get noticed in the music business. Keep in mind that Elvis Presley, who is TAME by today's standards was considered too dangerous to be on TV because of the way he shook his hips when he performed. "Elvis the Pelvis" did what he had to do to stand out to get attention in the music industry. Maybe it is not so original, but for some reason it works. It got everyone talking about it. That was the point. I find it almost funny how the people that complained the most were the ones that did not simply click off the remote when it happened.
Some people think that artists should not need excessive gimmicks and such to get attention and should expect that talent speak for itself. In both entertainment and dating, that simply does not work. There are plenty of talented people out there that never become stars, just like there are plenty of really good people that never find love. Being talented or being good simply is not enough. In all areas of life you need to market yourself. If Cyrus were looking to break away from her Hannah Montana image, I would say it was a very successful move. Now we get to see what she can really do on her own from this point on.
Lastly, yes there is a concern for all the young girls who grew up watching and idealizing her. I will tell you what I would tell the Parents Television Council, as well as any parent that I coach when families face challenges:
CELEBRITIES ARE NOT ROLE MODELS.
They are entertainers who have a job of being in the public eye. They are human, not divine. And when a gig or job finishes up for them, they move on to the next employment opportunity or start their own. Parents that worry about losing the Hannah Montana role model for their daughters, listen up. Hannah Montana was a character on TV, not a real person to admire.
If you really want your kids to have a role model, the BEST role model out there is YOU: THE PARENTS. Our kids will not always do what we say, but they will almost always do what we do. BE a role model for your kids, and stop depending on celebrities and fictional characters to be that role model in your place.
Frank Kermit
Miley Cyrus VMA 2013 Performance
By Frank Kermit
I do not normally comment on the antics of popular culture, as so much of what we see of movies and TV are fiction based romances and relationships. I tried my best to stay focused on relationships in the real world and write about what realistically works and what does not.
Intrigued by the kafuffle of the Miley Cyrus performance at the 2013 Video Music Awards where Cyrus performed a sexually charged number with Robin Thicke I also had to comment. Cyrus who is now 20 years old was a child actress who performed the character of Hannah Montana from 2006 to 2011 on American TV, and part of a very strong brand of childrens entertainment under Disney.
Part of the controversy is that Disney strongly pushed the Hannah Montana franchise and branded the image of "Good Girl" Hannah so much that audiences associated those characteristics to actress Miley Cyrus. Even the good people at the Parent's Television Council were angered by Cyrus's more adult performance.
Folks, please, it is time for a Frank Reality Check. Miley Cyrus is an ACTRESS/PERFORMER who played the part of Hannah Montana. Her time in that role is over, and as an adult, she gets to decide what role her career can/must take to keep her making a living. Just like any of you will take on roles and jobs that other people may not like, when you get fired or laid off, but need to keep going. She is not a teenager anymore working for Disney. She is a grown woman that wants to take her career where she wants it to go.
It is time to respect that, whether you like it or not; she does not have to placate to the wishes of what everybody else wants her to be.
Cyrus is no different from her peers in terms of what she needs to do to get noticed in the music business. Keep in mind that Elvis Presley, who is TAME by today's standards was considered too dangerous to be on TV because of the way he shook his hips when he performed. "Elvis the Pelvis" did what he had to do to stand out to get attention in the music industry. Maybe it is not so original, but for some reason it works. It got everyone talking about it. That was the point. I find it almost funny how the people that complained the most were the ones that did not simply click off the remote when it happened.
Some people think that artists should not need excessive gimmicks and such to get attention and should expect that talent speak for itself. In both entertainment and dating, that simply does not work. There are plenty of talented people out there that never become stars, just like there are plenty of really good people that never find love. Being talented or being good simply is not enough. In all areas of life you need to market yourself. If Cyrus were looking to break away from her Hannah Montana image, I would say it was a very successful move. Now we get to see what she can really do on her own from this point on.
Lastly, yes there is a concern for all the young girls who grew up watching and idealizing her. I will tell you what I would tell the Parents Television Council, as well as any parent that I coach when families face challenges:
CELEBRITIES ARE NOT ROLE MODELS.
They are entertainers who have a job of being in the public eye. They are human, not divine. And when a gig or job finishes up for them, they move on to the next employment opportunity or start their own. Parents that worry about losing the Hannah Montana role model for their daughters, listen up. Hannah Montana was a character on TV, not a real person to admire.
If you really want your kids to have a role model, the BEST role model out there is YOU: THE PARENTS. Our kids will not always do what we say, but they will almost always do what we do. BE a role model for your kids, and stop depending on celebrities and fictional characters to be that role model in your place.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Sean Keane Tribute
By Frank Kermit
The first time I got to know Sean Keane was back in January 1995. I had seen him perform on stage a couple of years earlier, but it was only in 1995 that I got to know him more personally. I was a student in Communication Studies at Concordia University in the Television Production Level 2 course, and was part of a small team of students producing a documentary on the topic of comedy as our major class project. We were a young, eager group, hungry for the chance to showcase what we could do, and build up our portfolio to get jobs in the industry.
The documentary entitled Laugh-Trax featured stand-up comics Alastair McAlastair, Sean Keane, the musical sketch comedy team of Radio Free Vestibule, and a group of wannabes comics from a workshop on stand-up comedy led by more established comics Barry Julien and David John McCarthy. At the time, that documentary represented one of the most important works any of us Concordia students had ever ventured doing towards carving a name for ourselves in the industry.
We were grateful for any participation we got from the talent we filmed. I remember that Sean Keane was actually incredibly supportive in ways that we could not have begun to imagine. Sean gave our documentary more time in being filmed and interviewed than we could have reasonably expected.
One night, Sean had invited us to videotape him doing a full set at a comedy club. The team filmed him, but the crowd was just not as high on his style of comedy as we would have liked. Sean’s humor was unique and sometimes, it took audiences a little while to really get the character he played on stage. Nonetheless, we were grateful just for getting the chance to record the man in action. As the crew packed up, Sean made a phone call. He had reached out to someone at another comedy club that same night asking if he could crash the show, and perform on stage so that the students he was helping out could get another shot at recording him live on stage. The club administration agreed.
In walked Sean Keane, with a group of students who feverishly but quietly set up their equipment at the back of the bar, getting an audio feed from the club’s sound board while the other comedians performed and Sean worked out the details with the M.C. for the night, about how to introduce him. The MC made it a point to say that Sean Keane was in the house, crashed the party and was going to be a special unannounced attraction. Sean headed towards the stage, with his trademark theme song playing (the man had his own theme song!!), and the crowd went nuts. THIS crowd knew who Sean Keane was. His act was over the top (as usual), but there was something a little different. He knew we were filming him and he put on an awesome performance that included and extra dance with M.C. of the night Alastair McAlastair. At the end of the set, the crowd roared, and we got the footage we were desperately looking for. Thank you Sean Keane!
In time, I would learn that Sean actually had some anxiety about performing live and on camera. Despite that, he performed for us twice in one night when he did not have too. What a guy. Sean Keane the human being, was incredibly far removed from the character he played on stage whose comedic remarks included a rudeness, grunts, and the narcissists comments of a self-centered glory hound.
Years later, I would run into Sean Keane while I volunteered at the West Mount Legal Clinic in the YMCA. Sean told me that he wasn’t performing as much, but that making people laugh was still in his heart, and that he had lots of ideas that he wanted to explore in the future related to comedy. Found out he was a real health nut, and had the biggest soft spot when it came to animals. Once again, Sean Keane the human being was so far removed from the character he played on stage. We would see each other regularly on the streets of NDG for years, with a friendly hello and small conversations.
Every time I ran into him, all I could think of to myself is: There was an entertainer with the elusive IT factor. He knew how to press the right buttons and given long enough to warm over the crowd, could evoke a reaction from almost anyone. I always believed that he just needed the right break, and that he would be an overnight success. I never questioned it.
In late 2012, I was on Facebook, and George Bowser (Bowser and Blue) wrote in that Sean Keane had died at age 52. Shocked was an understatement. How could someone so in love with healthy habits and so full of life be gone? And so young? It just did not make sense.
Sometimes, I think about Sean Keane while I go about my day-to-day routine, and I am always bothered by one thing. The fact that someone like Sean, with the raw charisma and IT factor power that Sean had, never made it to the Tonight Show. If I ever get to the Tonight Show myself, I think I will bring a picture of Sean Keane with me, and help introduce the world to him. From what I understand, it was one of his dreams, and if I can help him like that, in the same way he helped out a bunch of students achieve their dream so many years ago, I would like to think it is the type of karma that Sean would have enjoyed.
“Sean was the most unique comic I’ve ever met. He had his own style, own look even his own theme song! Sean was just a kind individual. Always great to speak to or hang out with him, he will be greatly missed,” says Joey Elias of the CJAD comedy show.
“I loved Sean. His comedy was special and he will be missed,” says Alastair McAlastair of the CBC.
Many of Sean Keane’s friends and family are organizeda night of comedy and memories in October 2013 at the Comedyworks. On the card were Terence Bowman, Winston Spear, Mike Paterson, Peter Radomski, EJ Brule, and Kevin MacDonald.
Finally I would like to present a never before released interview that I helped record of Sean Keane.
After Sean’s funeral I went searching for a copy of the Laugh-Trax documentary we did. I reached out to various people that I thought might have a good quality copy but to no avail. The only copy I managed to track down was an old copy of a copy on a VHS videocassette. The audio was echoed in some sections of the tape, and there were significant glitches throughout the video that compromise it’s production value. Looking back on what we thought was a masterpiece when it was originally produced, the framing of the camera shots, the ever changing audio levels, and the lack of proper lighting from shooting scenes in a dark comedy club, it really does only look like a student video project.
However, Sean’s interview clips did have enough stable audio attached to them to transcribe most of what he said. This documentary was presented at the end of semester student viewing night at Concordia around April 1995 in front of less than 100 different people, and has only been witnessed by whoever had a copy of the video and their friends. This was way before youtube and social media. For all intent purposes, this interview with Sean Keane was never properly released.
I thought it would be a respectful gesture to share with you all, what Sean was so willing to share with us and our audience
Clips of audio of Sean Keane’s comedy:
Please keep in mind that these jokes were performed in the context of Keane's persona character who was for all intense purposes could come across as an arrogant vulgar jerk. Comedian Sean Keane was able to make the distastefully vulgar and rude character likable and laughably funny, the same way that actor Carroll O’ Connor was able to make the gruff, bigoted ignorant character Archie Bunker into a beloved figured and TV icon.
THAT was part of the genius of Sean Keane.
Clip: “There are no lesbians, just chicks that have yet to meet me.”
Clip: “I think my grandmother stuffs her bra. At least it feels that way (Ahem!)”
Clip: “Have you seen this ad? A little old lady comes on the TV screen and says, f*ck-f*ck-f*ck, suck my t*ts, suck my t*ts? no? maybe it’s just my imagination then.”
Clip: “I just got off the phone with my manager. He says I should use more profanity in my act. So, any of you people here from out of town, f*ck?”
Clip: “I met my wife in a single’s bar. (Grunt!) She was sitting across the room at the bar and I started to come on to her. Didn’t know I could squirt that far.”
Clip: “She asked me if I would still respect her in the morning. I said, no, but I will f*ck you again.”
The Lost Sean Keane Interview of 1995
Host: How would you describe your style of humor?
Sean: Like everybody else would describe my style: Bizarre. In a way, it’s like something else has entered by body. It’s a way for me to act out like another man.
Host: How do you deal with hecklers?
Sean: I kill them (said as his on stage persona character)
Host: Does the crowd reaction enhance your act?
Sean: Oh for sure. It gives me more (to work with). When they are really with it, I get the nerve to REALLY swagger and act even more like an ass and get more physical (to dance like I did with Alastair that night.)
Host: This is asked of all the comedians we have interviewed because it happens to everyone at some point or another that does stand up comedy. How did you react to the first time you bombed on stage?
Sean: Terrible. I gave it up for a little while. Didn’t pick myself up and dust myself off right away. I was so disturbed about it.
Host: Does vulgarity offer comedy an edge? Is it funnier to include vulgarity?
Sean: I don’t like vulgarity for the sake of having vulgarity. I like vulgarity if it’s obscene to the point of ridiculous. THAT is funny to me. Because then you are laughing at how ridiculous it is, and not the vulgarity itself.
Host: I asked everyone this question. What do you do if someone finds a joke you told offensive and comes to tell you so after your show? Do you explain it to them?
Sean: I don’t like to offend people. That is not my intention. But if someone is offended because someone took it the wrong way, then I do not care. I don’t explain it to them. One woman came up to me complaining about the joke I tell about the 5-year-old daughter
Clip: “I got my five year old daughter on the phone saying daddy-daddy, please come visit me, daddy-daddy I love you I miss you I want you to be here…oh f*ck off. I got my own life to live and my plans don’t include you baby. Besides I hate hospitals”
Sean: So, this woman comes up to me after one of my shows and tells me that she has a young daughter, and her husband just left her, and that I should drop that joke. But I told her, that she made the mistake of marrying the wrong guy and that’s not my fault. This is a joke I wrote on my kitchen table at three o’clock in the morning; it has nothing to do with her life.
Host: How do you feel when you hear a joke that resembles yours, to the point you think someone stole your joke?
Sean: I get very mad. I do not like being ripped off. I have never done it to anybody else. It might sound self-righteous but I don’t like being ripped off and I don’t steal from anybody.
Host: Have you ever told a joke that someone wrote for you?
Sean: No. However I did find out that there was one joke that I was telling, and it was my mother who pointed out the joke was something someone else had told. After doing this joke for 4 to 5 years, my mother told me she saw it on TV. The joke was “I went to an all you can eat buffet, and when I got up for seconds, the manager said sorry sir, that is all you can eat”. My mother had just seen a re-run of Dennis the Menace TV show from the 1950s, where Dennis had an all you can drink lemonade stand, and he poured Margaret a little glass of lemonade, and she wanted more, and he said, sorry Margaret that is all you can drink. It’s the same joke, so I stopped saying it.
Host: Would you still have stopped it even if it was a great joke to begin with and you innocently, without knowing, told essentially the same joke?
Sean: Yes, I would still stop it. Even though I probably shouldn’t stop really because I did not steal it, but there is a bit of a code (of ethics) I got.
Host: Do you have any superstitions about doing comedy?
Sean: I was walking at the airport, and I spotted a penny from far away on the floor, and I thought to myself that if that penny is the year that I was born, then that would be my lucky penny. I picked it up and it was the year I was born. It was my lucky penny ever since.
Host: What would you like to say to end this interview?
Sean: Ladies and Gentleman, comedy is my job and I quit! Thank you and good-night! Thank you!
-Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
The first time I got to know Sean Keane was back in January 1995. I had seen him perform on stage a couple of years earlier, but it was only in 1995 that I got to know him more personally. I was a student in Communication Studies at Concordia University in the Television Production Level 2 course, and was part of a small team of students producing a documentary on the topic of comedy as our major class project. We were a young, eager group, hungry for the chance to showcase what we could do, and build up our portfolio to get jobs in the industry.
The documentary entitled Laugh-Trax featured stand-up comics Alastair McAlastair, Sean Keane, the musical sketch comedy team of Radio Free Vestibule, and a group of wannabes comics from a workshop on stand-up comedy led by more established comics Barry Julien and David John McCarthy. At the time, that documentary represented one of the most important works any of us Concordia students had ever ventured doing towards carving a name for ourselves in the industry.
We were grateful for any participation we got from the talent we filmed. I remember that Sean Keane was actually incredibly supportive in ways that we could not have begun to imagine. Sean gave our documentary more time in being filmed and interviewed than we could have reasonably expected.
One night, Sean had invited us to videotape him doing a full set at a comedy club. The team filmed him, but the crowd was just not as high on his style of comedy as we would have liked. Sean’s humor was unique and sometimes, it took audiences a little while to really get the character he played on stage. Nonetheless, we were grateful just for getting the chance to record the man in action. As the crew packed up, Sean made a phone call. He had reached out to someone at another comedy club that same night asking if he could crash the show, and perform on stage so that the students he was helping out could get another shot at recording him live on stage. The club administration agreed.
In walked Sean Keane, with a group of students who feverishly but quietly set up their equipment at the back of the bar, getting an audio feed from the club’s sound board while the other comedians performed and Sean worked out the details with the M.C. for the night, about how to introduce him. The MC made it a point to say that Sean Keane was in the house, crashed the party and was going to be a special unannounced attraction. Sean headed towards the stage, with his trademark theme song playing (the man had his own theme song!!), and the crowd went nuts. THIS crowd knew who Sean Keane was. His act was over the top (as usual), but there was something a little different. He knew we were filming him and he put on an awesome performance that included and extra dance with M.C. of the night Alastair McAlastair. At the end of the set, the crowd roared, and we got the footage we were desperately looking for. Thank you Sean Keane!
In time, I would learn that Sean actually had some anxiety about performing live and on camera. Despite that, he performed for us twice in one night when he did not have too. What a guy. Sean Keane the human being, was incredibly far removed from the character he played on stage whose comedic remarks included a rudeness, grunts, and the narcissists comments of a self-centered glory hound.
Years later, I would run into Sean Keane while I volunteered at the West Mount Legal Clinic in the YMCA. Sean told me that he wasn’t performing as much, but that making people laugh was still in his heart, and that he had lots of ideas that he wanted to explore in the future related to comedy. Found out he was a real health nut, and had the biggest soft spot when it came to animals. Once again, Sean Keane the human being was so far removed from the character he played on stage. We would see each other regularly on the streets of NDG for years, with a friendly hello and small conversations.
Every time I ran into him, all I could think of to myself is: There was an entertainer with the elusive IT factor. He knew how to press the right buttons and given long enough to warm over the crowd, could evoke a reaction from almost anyone. I always believed that he just needed the right break, and that he would be an overnight success. I never questioned it.
In late 2012, I was on Facebook, and George Bowser (Bowser and Blue) wrote in that Sean Keane had died at age 52. Shocked was an understatement. How could someone so in love with healthy habits and so full of life be gone? And so young? It just did not make sense.
Sometimes, I think about Sean Keane while I go about my day-to-day routine, and I am always bothered by one thing. The fact that someone like Sean, with the raw charisma and IT factor power that Sean had, never made it to the Tonight Show. If I ever get to the Tonight Show myself, I think I will bring a picture of Sean Keane with me, and help introduce the world to him. From what I understand, it was one of his dreams, and if I can help him like that, in the same way he helped out a bunch of students achieve their dream so many years ago, I would like to think it is the type of karma that Sean would have enjoyed.
“Sean was the most unique comic I’ve ever met. He had his own style, own look even his own theme song! Sean was just a kind individual. Always great to speak to or hang out with him, he will be greatly missed,” says Joey Elias of the CJAD comedy show.
“I loved Sean. His comedy was special and he will be missed,” says Alastair McAlastair of the CBC.
Many of Sean Keane’s friends and family are organizeda night of comedy and memories in October 2013 at the Comedyworks. On the card were Terence Bowman, Winston Spear, Mike Paterson, Peter Radomski, EJ Brule, and Kevin MacDonald.
Finally I would like to present a never before released interview that I helped record of Sean Keane.
After Sean’s funeral I went searching for a copy of the Laugh-Trax documentary we did. I reached out to various people that I thought might have a good quality copy but to no avail. The only copy I managed to track down was an old copy of a copy on a VHS videocassette. The audio was echoed in some sections of the tape, and there were significant glitches throughout the video that compromise it’s production value. Looking back on what we thought was a masterpiece when it was originally produced, the framing of the camera shots, the ever changing audio levels, and the lack of proper lighting from shooting scenes in a dark comedy club, it really does only look like a student video project.
However, Sean’s interview clips did have enough stable audio attached to them to transcribe most of what he said. This documentary was presented at the end of semester student viewing night at Concordia around April 1995 in front of less than 100 different people, and has only been witnessed by whoever had a copy of the video and their friends. This was way before youtube and social media. For all intent purposes, this interview with Sean Keane was never properly released.
I thought it would be a respectful gesture to share with you all, what Sean was so willing to share with us and our audience
Clips of audio of Sean Keane’s comedy:
Please keep in mind that these jokes were performed in the context of Keane's persona character who was for all intense purposes could come across as an arrogant vulgar jerk. Comedian Sean Keane was able to make the distastefully vulgar and rude character likable and laughably funny, the same way that actor Carroll O’ Connor was able to make the gruff, bigoted ignorant character Archie Bunker into a beloved figured and TV icon.
THAT was part of the genius of Sean Keane.
Clip: “There are no lesbians, just chicks that have yet to meet me.”
Clip: “I think my grandmother stuffs her bra. At least it feels that way (Ahem!)”
Clip: “Have you seen this ad? A little old lady comes on the TV screen and says, f*ck-f*ck-f*ck, suck my t*ts, suck my t*ts? no? maybe it’s just my imagination then.”
Clip: “I just got off the phone with my manager. He says I should use more profanity in my act. So, any of you people here from out of town, f*ck?”
Clip: “I met my wife in a single’s bar. (Grunt!) She was sitting across the room at the bar and I started to come on to her. Didn’t know I could squirt that far.”
Clip: “She asked me if I would still respect her in the morning. I said, no, but I will f*ck you again.”
The Lost Sean Keane Interview of 1995
Host: How would you describe your style of humor?
Sean: Like everybody else would describe my style: Bizarre. In a way, it’s like something else has entered by body. It’s a way for me to act out like another man.
Host: How do you deal with hecklers?
Sean: I kill them (said as his on stage persona character)
Host: Does the crowd reaction enhance your act?
Sean: Oh for sure. It gives me more (to work with). When they are really with it, I get the nerve to REALLY swagger and act even more like an ass and get more physical (to dance like I did with Alastair that night.)
Host: This is asked of all the comedians we have interviewed because it happens to everyone at some point or another that does stand up comedy. How did you react to the first time you bombed on stage?
Sean: Terrible. I gave it up for a little while. Didn’t pick myself up and dust myself off right away. I was so disturbed about it.
Host: Does vulgarity offer comedy an edge? Is it funnier to include vulgarity?
Sean: I don’t like vulgarity for the sake of having vulgarity. I like vulgarity if it’s obscene to the point of ridiculous. THAT is funny to me. Because then you are laughing at how ridiculous it is, and not the vulgarity itself.
Host: I asked everyone this question. What do you do if someone finds a joke you told offensive and comes to tell you so after your show? Do you explain it to them?
Sean: I don’t like to offend people. That is not my intention. But if someone is offended because someone took it the wrong way, then I do not care. I don’t explain it to them. One woman came up to me complaining about the joke I tell about the 5-year-old daughter
Clip: “I got my five year old daughter on the phone saying daddy-daddy, please come visit me, daddy-daddy I love you I miss you I want you to be here…oh f*ck off. I got my own life to live and my plans don’t include you baby. Besides I hate hospitals”
Sean: So, this woman comes up to me after one of my shows and tells me that she has a young daughter, and her husband just left her, and that I should drop that joke. But I told her, that she made the mistake of marrying the wrong guy and that’s not my fault. This is a joke I wrote on my kitchen table at three o’clock in the morning; it has nothing to do with her life.
Host: How do you feel when you hear a joke that resembles yours, to the point you think someone stole your joke?
Sean: I get very mad. I do not like being ripped off. I have never done it to anybody else. It might sound self-righteous but I don’t like being ripped off and I don’t steal from anybody.
Host: Have you ever told a joke that someone wrote for you?
Sean: No. However I did find out that there was one joke that I was telling, and it was my mother who pointed out the joke was something someone else had told. After doing this joke for 4 to 5 years, my mother told me she saw it on TV. The joke was “I went to an all you can eat buffet, and when I got up for seconds, the manager said sorry sir, that is all you can eat”. My mother had just seen a re-run of Dennis the Menace TV show from the 1950s, where Dennis had an all you can drink lemonade stand, and he poured Margaret a little glass of lemonade, and she wanted more, and he said, sorry Margaret that is all you can drink. It’s the same joke, so I stopped saying it.
Host: Would you still have stopped it even if it was a great joke to begin with and you innocently, without knowing, told essentially the same joke?
Sean: Yes, I would still stop it. Even though I probably shouldn’t stop really because I did not steal it, but there is a bit of a code (of ethics) I got.
Host: Do you have any superstitions about doing comedy?
Sean: I was walking at the airport, and I spotted a penny from far away on the floor, and I thought to myself that if that penny is the year that I was born, then that would be my lucky penny. I picked it up and it was the year I was born. It was my lucky penny ever since.
Host: What would you like to say to end this interview?
Sean: Ladies and Gentleman, comedy is my job and I quit! Thank you and good-night! Thank you!
-Frank Kermit
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- Published on
Is there such a thing as Happily Single?
By Frank Kermit
Is being single really that bad? After all, when a person considers the amount of pain that a relationship or casual dating can cause, it may seem that just skipping the whole dating-thing altogether might make for a more peaceful life.
Could it be that intimate relations are simply not for everyone, and maybe you happen to be one of those people? How do you know if being alone is the right choice for you and is it even possible to be content, or even fulfilled in a life without romantic love? As always, that answer is completely up to you.
The people who struggle with this question the most are those people that never actually had an overly positive, intimate relationship with someone before. If that is coupled with an environment that was emotionally sterile while that person was growing up, it makes trying to find the motivation for seeking out a relationship almost obsolete.
Without having experienced what a health loving relationship can be, or not having experienced the positive attributes of being with someone that cares for you, it is challenging for someone to see the value is pursuing a goal they have no concept of.
Then the consideration comes in that some people are simply too damaged to be in a relationship. There are cases where someone may be struggling with a personal demon like an addiction, or still coping with a history of abuse. Those demons may limit their capacity for intimate relationships of any kind. In these cases, people tend to be encouraged to work on themselves before entering into romantic relationships so that the challenges inherent with romantic relationships do not distract the people from the healing process, nor allow the romantic relationships to exasperate a persons energy causing them not to have the personal resources to slay the demon.
This is most commonly understood when someone enters a drug and alcohol treatment center where patients are forbidden to have relations with each other and contact with loved ones must be limited.
I have often found that barring any major issues, that a few people are simply not ready to make the commitment to the amount of work that is necessary to change an area of their life they are not happy with.
Dismissed as laziness by some, the lack of willingness to put in the work required to change behavior patterns is nothing to scoff at. Changing anything in your life forces you out of your comfort zone. It takes work. The motivation to make such changes may very well require that someone hit an absolute rock bottom before having enough gumption to finally make that change. The same principle applies to changing the status of a persons love life.
It is unfortunate that people require that kind of rock bottom to reach a point where the pain of staying where they are is finally greater than the pain of making a change.
When I am asked if it is better to be in a relationship that is bad, or being alone, I often quote one of my inspirations. To paraphrase: Are you better off with that person, or better off without that person? There is no set answer.
It completely depends on the context of your situation. There are a number of other factors to consider in the answer to this question. Are you very miserable, or just so-so bored with your partner? Is your partner a good parent to your kids, or are your kids in danger around your partner? Are you fighting day in and day out with your partner, or have you and your partner settled into a quiet existence that you find a little bland? Is your partner someone you can rely on, or is your partner a dead beat? If you were alone, would you be able to manage not having the positive elements that you do get from the relationships you experience? Are you just a negative person and will continue to find fault with your life even if your leave your partner?
Ending a relationship is NOT always the answer when things are rough in life, because life is also going to be rough on you when you are single. There are always consequences to either lifestyle to choose, the question remains which consequences are you more adept to handle accepting?
Some people are just comfortable being alone, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you are happier being alone, then take pride in that. If you complain about being alone, then do something about it. If you complain about being in a relationship, again do something about it.
Communicate with your partner and find out what is possible to change the areas you are not happy with, to see if you can work to build the relationship together that you will find fulfillment in.
If you are trying to figure out if you want to give up on love or not, one of the ways to decide this for yourself is to sit down and work through the differences between your feelings towards single life and your desires for the kind of lifestyle you want for yourself. Start with your ideal lifestyle and work your way backwards to your current present date.
Once you have that ideal (and REALISTIC) lifestyle mapped out, see if you are the type of person that can actually attain it, and if you would be able to attract the kind of partner that you yourself would need to be.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Is being single really that bad? After all, when a person considers the amount of pain that a relationship or casual dating can cause, it may seem that just skipping the whole dating-thing altogether might make for a more peaceful life.
Could it be that intimate relations are simply not for everyone, and maybe you happen to be one of those people? How do you know if being alone is the right choice for you and is it even possible to be content, or even fulfilled in a life without romantic love? As always, that answer is completely up to you.
The people who struggle with this question the most are those people that never actually had an overly positive, intimate relationship with someone before. If that is coupled with an environment that was emotionally sterile while that person was growing up, it makes trying to find the motivation for seeking out a relationship almost obsolete.
Without having experienced what a health loving relationship can be, or not having experienced the positive attributes of being with someone that cares for you, it is challenging for someone to see the value is pursuing a goal they have no concept of.
Then the consideration comes in that some people are simply too damaged to be in a relationship. There are cases where someone may be struggling with a personal demon like an addiction, or still coping with a history of abuse. Those demons may limit their capacity for intimate relationships of any kind. In these cases, people tend to be encouraged to work on themselves before entering into romantic relationships so that the challenges inherent with romantic relationships do not distract the people from the healing process, nor allow the romantic relationships to exasperate a persons energy causing them not to have the personal resources to slay the demon.
This is most commonly understood when someone enters a drug and alcohol treatment center where patients are forbidden to have relations with each other and contact with loved ones must be limited.
I have often found that barring any major issues, that a few people are simply not ready to make the commitment to the amount of work that is necessary to change an area of their life they are not happy with.
Dismissed as laziness by some, the lack of willingness to put in the work required to change behavior patterns is nothing to scoff at. Changing anything in your life forces you out of your comfort zone. It takes work. The motivation to make such changes may very well require that someone hit an absolute rock bottom before having enough gumption to finally make that change. The same principle applies to changing the status of a persons love life.
It is unfortunate that people require that kind of rock bottom to reach a point where the pain of staying where they are is finally greater than the pain of making a change.
When I am asked if it is better to be in a relationship that is bad, or being alone, I often quote one of my inspirations. To paraphrase: Are you better off with that person, or better off without that person? There is no set answer.
It completely depends on the context of your situation. There are a number of other factors to consider in the answer to this question. Are you very miserable, or just so-so bored with your partner? Is your partner a good parent to your kids, or are your kids in danger around your partner? Are you fighting day in and day out with your partner, or have you and your partner settled into a quiet existence that you find a little bland? Is your partner someone you can rely on, or is your partner a dead beat? If you were alone, would you be able to manage not having the positive elements that you do get from the relationships you experience? Are you just a negative person and will continue to find fault with your life even if your leave your partner?
Ending a relationship is NOT always the answer when things are rough in life, because life is also going to be rough on you when you are single. There are always consequences to either lifestyle to choose, the question remains which consequences are you more adept to handle accepting?
Some people are just comfortable being alone, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you are happier being alone, then take pride in that. If you complain about being alone, then do something about it. If you complain about being in a relationship, again do something about it.
Communicate with your partner and find out what is possible to change the areas you are not happy with, to see if you can work to build the relationship together that you will find fulfillment in.
If you are trying to figure out if you want to give up on love or not, one of the ways to decide this for yourself is to sit down and work through the differences between your feelings towards single life and your desires for the kind of lifestyle you want for yourself. Start with your ideal lifestyle and work your way backwards to your current present date.
Once you have that ideal (and REALISTIC) lifestyle mapped out, see if you are the type of person that can actually attain it, and if you would be able to attract the kind of partner that you yourself would need to be.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
When Partners Change During Relationships
By Frank Kermit
When partners change and grow as individuals, it is important for them as individuals to keep in mind that each of their respective growth also needs to be balanced with growing their relationship as well. People change for their own reasons. Very rarely do people change exclusively for their partners. This is a very important key point in choosing a life partner. You do not choose a life partner, based on your belief about how you can change your partner in the future. You choose a life partner for who your partner is today. Think of it as an as-is purchase. If you are sold on the idea of what you plan on turning your partner into, instead of accepting your partner as is, right now in the present moment, flaws and all, then the likelihood of your relationship ending badly have significantly increased.
A relationship is not a fixer-upper. Unlike a material item that you have full control to restore to its original greatness, or make adjustments to bring it up to date, a relationship is with another human being who you do not control like a material possession. A person can only change within the capacity of they have to change, and no amount of nagging, badgering, insults nor threats of abandonment will ever motivate a person to change more than they can.
This is not to say that people do not change. They do. Over the course of a lifespan, people will change. They will go through stages, have new experiences, learn more about themselves, learn more about life, and as their emotional needs change and evolve, so too will their boundaries and where they are willing to compromise. What is currently very important at the beginning of a relationship may no longer be a concern 20 or 30 years into it. By the same token, what was not important at all 20-30 years ago may be exceptionally important today. Even if a couple's core values stay the same over the years, it is still possible that the way each individual in the couple needs to express those values start to conflict. For example, each individual in a couple may hold family values in high regard. However, one partner of the couple accepts a child's lifestyle they do not agree with in the name of upholding and respecting a family value, whereas the other partner would disown the child, claiming it is for the same reason; to uphold and respect a family value, by not being open to a lifestyle they originally disagreed with. Sad, isn't it?
One of the reasons that younger people are encouraged not to get too emotionally committed in relationships is preciously because they are usually in a major flux of personal development and chasing career goals, such that they are changing rapidly over a short period of time, and thus they could be very different people from the day the relationship begins to the day when those changes may cause the relationship to end.
Personal growth can be a wonderful thing, and very necessary for those in the pursuit of happiness and for higher levels of awareness to better understand the world around them. When on such a journey, be mindful that your relationship is not always the curse that is holding you back as some fickle gurus and mentors may claim. Your relationship could always continue to be a source of stability and strength if you let it. Explore ways for you both to change and grow as a couple, because that is part of what the mandate of being in a relationship is. That is what people (sometimes unknowingly) sign up for when they enter a relationship.
People do change over the course of a relationship, however it is rarely in the way the original partners intended, and if they work at it, they can grow together and make their relationship stronger over time.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
When partners change and grow as individuals, it is important for them as individuals to keep in mind that each of their respective growth also needs to be balanced with growing their relationship as well. People change for their own reasons. Very rarely do people change exclusively for their partners. This is a very important key point in choosing a life partner. You do not choose a life partner, based on your belief about how you can change your partner in the future. You choose a life partner for who your partner is today. Think of it as an as-is purchase. If you are sold on the idea of what you plan on turning your partner into, instead of accepting your partner as is, right now in the present moment, flaws and all, then the likelihood of your relationship ending badly have significantly increased.
A relationship is not a fixer-upper. Unlike a material item that you have full control to restore to its original greatness, or make adjustments to bring it up to date, a relationship is with another human being who you do not control like a material possession. A person can only change within the capacity of they have to change, and no amount of nagging, badgering, insults nor threats of abandonment will ever motivate a person to change more than they can.
This is not to say that people do not change. They do. Over the course of a lifespan, people will change. They will go through stages, have new experiences, learn more about themselves, learn more about life, and as their emotional needs change and evolve, so too will their boundaries and where they are willing to compromise. What is currently very important at the beginning of a relationship may no longer be a concern 20 or 30 years into it. By the same token, what was not important at all 20-30 years ago may be exceptionally important today. Even if a couple's core values stay the same over the years, it is still possible that the way each individual in the couple needs to express those values start to conflict. For example, each individual in a couple may hold family values in high regard. However, one partner of the couple accepts a child's lifestyle they do not agree with in the name of upholding and respecting a family value, whereas the other partner would disown the child, claiming it is for the same reason; to uphold and respect a family value, by not being open to a lifestyle they originally disagreed with. Sad, isn't it?
One of the reasons that younger people are encouraged not to get too emotionally committed in relationships is preciously because they are usually in a major flux of personal development and chasing career goals, such that they are changing rapidly over a short period of time, and thus they could be very different people from the day the relationship begins to the day when those changes may cause the relationship to end.
Personal growth can be a wonderful thing, and very necessary for those in the pursuit of happiness and for higher levels of awareness to better understand the world around them. When on such a journey, be mindful that your relationship is not always the curse that is holding you back as some fickle gurus and mentors may claim. Your relationship could always continue to be a source of stability and strength if you let it. Explore ways for you both to change and grow as a couple, because that is part of what the mandate of being in a relationship is. That is what people (sometimes unknowingly) sign up for when they enter a relationship.
People do change over the course of a relationship, however it is rarely in the way the original partners intended, and if they work at it, they can grow together and make their relationship stronger over time.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
The Movie Of Your Life's Journey
By Frank Kermit
The movie of your life is how we each envision our lives unfolding throughout our life span. This concept goes beyond simple fantasizing of what your life would be like. Writing the movie of your life is an empowerment exercise to help you maximize your life's opportunities when things are going well, and to help support you along when things are going poorly.
You are the protagonist (remember that term from high school literature class?) of the movie of your life. You are the main character that will reap all the main benefits of your actions, and suffer the consequences if you do not take action. Great storytelling whether it is through literature, TV, movies, theatre, etc...all capture and lead the imagination to new possibilities and give audiences the opportunity to consider new ways of living their lives finding fulfillment that may not even knew they were missing.
This empowerment endeavor helps a person take control of their life by employing elements from solid storytelling structures. This includes being a hero, usually introduced as a normal human being that is called upon to take on a great adventure challenge.
The hero either seeks out a mentor, or the mentor calls out the hero to be a student. The hero enters a period of development, which includes tests, learning of new skills, and even self-discovery of personal limits that may need to be overcome.
In the end, the hero succeeds at changing his or her character in what needs to be changed, uses that to defeat both the villain of the story and the inner demons the hero needed to vanquish, and finally overcoming the main challenge of the adventure.
The conclusion is that the hero is now a new person, with a new life to embrace, which gives the hero the best likelihood of fortifying a true happily ever after
When I help someone create the movie of their life, I have learned to add my own personal touch to it by establishing these basic concepts.
1-You is the only person that can save you. You must be your own hero in the movie of your life. There is no place for you to wait to be saved. In love, you cannot wait for your future lover, your soul mate, and no waiting for G-d to save you. It is up to you to take the action necessary to save yourself.
2-Limit suffering. Some people get so caught up with punishing themselves, that they take the tests and trials of their life's journey too far, and force themselves to suffer needlessly in order to feel worthy of a happy ending. You only need to suffer just enough to learn the lesson required to move on to the next chapter of the story of your life's journey.
3-Install a happy ending that happens early in your life. If you write out your movie to only have a happy ending for you (or your family) after your death, you are basically signing your own death certificate. Make sure that your happily ever after ending comes through happens as soon as possible so that you are able to enjoy the rest of your life as soon as you can. There is little point of a happily ever after at the end of your life, or after the fact where you are praised after death.
4-Beware your self-sacrificing storylines. A core group of people may identify being a hero equaling being self-sacrificing. This means to always put your personal needs aside to better support the needs of others. Although elements of self-sacrificing can in fact be heroic in certain contexts, the CONSTANT PRACTICE of self-sacrificing behaviors, especially in relation to your love life, can lead a person to a deep rooted bitterness that halts an ability to emotionally connect.
The irony is that if you are not taking your own needs into consideration at all, any rewards (if there are rewards at all) for always putting the needs of others ahead of your own will be moot. A person who's needs are ignored is usually unable to enjoy the rewards of self-sacrificing for others.
When getting started, I have found a very useful tool to be writing out the movie trailer of your life first. It will set the pace and the plot for your life. Here is a quick example of the structure:
Born in (insert the year you were born), (insert your name) had a (adjectives to describe your upbringing) life. Then one day, (insert the event or events that prompted you to have to make a change in your life) that changed life forever. (Insert your name) embarked on a journey to make a change, and build a life that was worth living again. (Insert what it is you are going to do to make that change a reality). Today (insert your name)(offer a conclusion that shows that success was/will-be achieved within your lifetime, and that you will be around to enjoy the fruits of your labor).
Here is my own movie trailer:
"Frank Kermit had an ordinary life that was very discouraging when it came to love. Then one day, Frank took stock of all the bad things that happened to him including getting stood up at his prom and losing his ex-fiancé to his then best friend that changed his life forever. Frank embarked on a journey to make a change, and build a life that was worth living again. He made learning about love, sex, dating and relationships his number one priority, sacrificed and eventually created a system for himself that helped him find peace within himself, and gave him the ability to help others. Today, Frank is married with a family and continues to teach people about emotional needs for loving relationships."
This is just an example to start you off. Use whatever structure works best for you.
I consider myself very fortunate that in my life, I have been on my own hero's journey and that when I was ready, my mentors were present for me. I am even more fortunate that when someone feels ready to start their own hero's journey in their real life, that some of them chose me as a mentor.
I wish you all a successful journey!
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
The movie of your life is how we each envision our lives unfolding throughout our life span. This concept goes beyond simple fantasizing of what your life would be like. Writing the movie of your life is an empowerment exercise to help you maximize your life's opportunities when things are going well, and to help support you along when things are going poorly.
You are the protagonist (remember that term from high school literature class?) of the movie of your life. You are the main character that will reap all the main benefits of your actions, and suffer the consequences if you do not take action. Great storytelling whether it is through literature, TV, movies, theatre, etc...all capture and lead the imagination to new possibilities and give audiences the opportunity to consider new ways of living their lives finding fulfillment that may not even knew they were missing.
This empowerment endeavor helps a person take control of their life by employing elements from solid storytelling structures. This includes being a hero, usually introduced as a normal human being that is called upon to take on a great adventure challenge.
The hero either seeks out a mentor, or the mentor calls out the hero to be a student. The hero enters a period of development, which includes tests, learning of new skills, and even self-discovery of personal limits that may need to be overcome.
In the end, the hero succeeds at changing his or her character in what needs to be changed, uses that to defeat both the villain of the story and the inner demons the hero needed to vanquish, and finally overcoming the main challenge of the adventure.
The conclusion is that the hero is now a new person, with a new life to embrace, which gives the hero the best likelihood of fortifying a true happily ever after
When I help someone create the movie of their life, I have learned to add my own personal touch to it by establishing these basic concepts.
1-You is the only person that can save you. You must be your own hero in the movie of your life. There is no place for you to wait to be saved. In love, you cannot wait for your future lover, your soul mate, and no waiting for G-d to save you. It is up to you to take the action necessary to save yourself.
2-Limit suffering. Some people get so caught up with punishing themselves, that they take the tests and trials of their life's journey too far, and force themselves to suffer needlessly in order to feel worthy of a happy ending. You only need to suffer just enough to learn the lesson required to move on to the next chapter of the story of your life's journey.
3-Install a happy ending that happens early in your life. If you write out your movie to only have a happy ending for you (or your family) after your death, you are basically signing your own death certificate. Make sure that your happily ever after ending comes through happens as soon as possible so that you are able to enjoy the rest of your life as soon as you can. There is little point of a happily ever after at the end of your life, or after the fact where you are praised after death.
4-Beware your self-sacrificing storylines. A core group of people may identify being a hero equaling being self-sacrificing. This means to always put your personal needs aside to better support the needs of others. Although elements of self-sacrificing can in fact be heroic in certain contexts, the CONSTANT PRACTICE of self-sacrificing behaviors, especially in relation to your love life, can lead a person to a deep rooted bitterness that halts an ability to emotionally connect.
The irony is that if you are not taking your own needs into consideration at all, any rewards (if there are rewards at all) for always putting the needs of others ahead of your own will be moot. A person who's needs are ignored is usually unable to enjoy the rewards of self-sacrificing for others.
When getting started, I have found a very useful tool to be writing out the movie trailer of your life first. It will set the pace and the plot for your life. Here is a quick example of the structure:
Born in (insert the year you were born), (insert your name) had a (adjectives to describe your upbringing) life. Then one day, (insert the event or events that prompted you to have to make a change in your life) that changed life forever. (Insert your name) embarked on a journey to make a change, and build a life that was worth living again. (Insert what it is you are going to do to make that change a reality). Today (insert your name)(offer a conclusion that shows that success was/will-be achieved within your lifetime, and that you will be around to enjoy the fruits of your labor).
Here is my own movie trailer:
"Frank Kermit had an ordinary life that was very discouraging when it came to love. Then one day, Frank took stock of all the bad things that happened to him including getting stood up at his prom and losing his ex-fiancé to his then best friend that changed his life forever. Frank embarked on a journey to make a change, and build a life that was worth living again. He made learning about love, sex, dating and relationships his number one priority, sacrificed and eventually created a system for himself that helped him find peace within himself, and gave him the ability to help others. Today, Frank is married with a family and continues to teach people about emotional needs for loving relationships."
This is just an example to start you off. Use whatever structure works best for you.
I consider myself very fortunate that in my life, I have been on my own hero's journey and that when I was ready, my mentors were present for me. I am even more fortunate that when someone feels ready to start their own hero's journey in their real life, that some of them chose me as a mentor.
I wish you all a successful journey!
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Fear of Conflict is Rooted in a Fear of Loss
By Frank Kermit
Are you too nice when it comes to relationships? Do you walk on eggshells because you do not want to upset your partner? Are you reluctant to enforce your boundaries with someone you care about? Are you afraid of the confrontations that would result if you communicated how you felt, even if you communicated in a compassionate and effective manner? Chances are you have a fear of conflict.
There are very few things more devastating to the potential for long-term relationship success than a fear of conflict. Supplicating to your partner, or anyone for that matter, when your boundaries are crossed will more than likely lead to certain consequences such as building resentment. In time, building resentment needs a release, and this is where the stereotype of the nice person going "postal" comes from. Eventually, all that resentment finally comes out in one full on explosion of emotion, and the people around that person, never saw the rage coming, because that person has always been so accommodating (read: nice) about things. As far as everyone else was concerned, there was never any issue to be worried about, because the person who is too nice, never identified the conflicts he or she was experiencing.
Furthermore, another side effect of a fear of conflict can be the bad habit of lying. Lies and lies and more lies, each one to help cover the last one, all in the name of trying to avoid a conflict. Not everyone who fears conflicts lies; however, some do. This is a very bad habit to be in. It gets especially bad when people convince themselves that they are lying to "spare the other person any anguish". Although the liars really do believe, and strongly convince themselves, they are lying for the good of others, the liars will only be able to break this repeating behavior pattern when they can admit they lie to help themselves avoid potential conflicts.
THIS is the reason that people who are too nice in relationships often find themselves not easily earning the trust of their lovers. Experience will teach many a partner to be wary of those people that come across as too nice, because new partners will be suspicious about when the next explosion of rage may hit. Caught in the crossfire are people who are very nice, but who are not afraid of conflict. The sad part is that real nice people tend to turn off high quality partners, and attract those people who are in the habit of taking advantage of nice people. Those actual nice people can sometimes feel a sense of frustration because they cannot understand why things continue to not work out in relationships.
At the root of fear of conflict is a fear of loss. It has nothing to do with the fear of losing an argument that the conflict might spark. It has to do with how a person will imagine they will be abandoned if they bring the conflict to light. Some people fear conflict because they are worried that having a conflict with someone they care about, might in fact, bring about the end of the relationship. Depending on what the conflict is, the cost of enforcing a boundary could very well be the relationship. In other cases, it is not the conflict that will end the relationship, but a person's inability to handle intense emotions that the conflict brings out. If the person with the conflict is not comfortable with intense emotions, they may bring up the conflict in the only way they know how, which is likely very un-calibrated and comes across as angry, and not a calm discussion.
Some people are reluctant to learning to accept conflicts as a part of life because they are afraid that it will cause them to see nothing but conflicts everywhere they look. I attempt to explain to people that conflicts do not just manifest out of thin air. Those conflicts were ALWAYS there and it is just that learning the ability to mange a fear of conflict, also gives the gift of developing a talent to spot conflicts that you previously did not read as conflict signals.
For example, part of learning to deal with a fear of conflict is to identify your deal breakers and boundaries. Once you know where your boundaries are, then you will see all those places where your boundaries are violated (thus seeing the signals of conflicts). Until you know yourself enough to be able to articulate your boundaries, you will be unable to manage your fear of conflict because you will not be able to properly put your finger on where the conflict actually exists.
The Irony is that you are much more likely to lose what you have if you do not allow for conflicts to surface. People who are too scared to talk it out because they are scared to lose a partner, inevitably end up in situations where they are unable to feel trust in their partners (or vice-versa) because of the silent resentment that slowly builds between them.
Resentment kills intimacy. If you have conflicts, you MUST communicate and work them out; otherwise, those conflicts will kill any potential that you would have originally had to make your relationships successful. To summarize, a relationship that cannot handle conflict is a relationship that is destined for doom.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Are you too nice when it comes to relationships? Do you walk on eggshells because you do not want to upset your partner? Are you reluctant to enforce your boundaries with someone you care about? Are you afraid of the confrontations that would result if you communicated how you felt, even if you communicated in a compassionate and effective manner? Chances are you have a fear of conflict.
There are very few things more devastating to the potential for long-term relationship success than a fear of conflict. Supplicating to your partner, or anyone for that matter, when your boundaries are crossed will more than likely lead to certain consequences such as building resentment. In time, building resentment needs a release, and this is where the stereotype of the nice person going "postal" comes from. Eventually, all that resentment finally comes out in one full on explosion of emotion, and the people around that person, never saw the rage coming, because that person has always been so accommodating (read: nice) about things. As far as everyone else was concerned, there was never any issue to be worried about, because the person who is too nice, never identified the conflicts he or she was experiencing.
Furthermore, another side effect of a fear of conflict can be the bad habit of lying. Lies and lies and more lies, each one to help cover the last one, all in the name of trying to avoid a conflict. Not everyone who fears conflicts lies; however, some do. This is a very bad habit to be in. It gets especially bad when people convince themselves that they are lying to "spare the other person any anguish". Although the liars really do believe, and strongly convince themselves, they are lying for the good of others, the liars will only be able to break this repeating behavior pattern when they can admit they lie to help themselves avoid potential conflicts.
THIS is the reason that people who are too nice in relationships often find themselves not easily earning the trust of their lovers. Experience will teach many a partner to be wary of those people that come across as too nice, because new partners will be suspicious about when the next explosion of rage may hit. Caught in the crossfire are people who are very nice, but who are not afraid of conflict. The sad part is that real nice people tend to turn off high quality partners, and attract those people who are in the habit of taking advantage of nice people. Those actual nice people can sometimes feel a sense of frustration because they cannot understand why things continue to not work out in relationships.
At the root of fear of conflict is a fear of loss. It has nothing to do with the fear of losing an argument that the conflict might spark. It has to do with how a person will imagine they will be abandoned if they bring the conflict to light. Some people fear conflict because they are worried that having a conflict with someone they care about, might in fact, bring about the end of the relationship. Depending on what the conflict is, the cost of enforcing a boundary could very well be the relationship. In other cases, it is not the conflict that will end the relationship, but a person's inability to handle intense emotions that the conflict brings out. If the person with the conflict is not comfortable with intense emotions, they may bring up the conflict in the only way they know how, which is likely very un-calibrated and comes across as angry, and not a calm discussion.
Some people are reluctant to learning to accept conflicts as a part of life because they are afraid that it will cause them to see nothing but conflicts everywhere they look. I attempt to explain to people that conflicts do not just manifest out of thin air. Those conflicts were ALWAYS there and it is just that learning the ability to mange a fear of conflict, also gives the gift of developing a talent to spot conflicts that you previously did not read as conflict signals.
For example, part of learning to deal with a fear of conflict is to identify your deal breakers and boundaries. Once you know where your boundaries are, then you will see all those places where your boundaries are violated (thus seeing the signals of conflicts). Until you know yourself enough to be able to articulate your boundaries, you will be unable to manage your fear of conflict because you will not be able to properly put your finger on where the conflict actually exists.
The Irony is that you are much more likely to lose what you have if you do not allow for conflicts to surface. People who are too scared to talk it out because they are scared to lose a partner, inevitably end up in situations where they are unable to feel trust in their partners (or vice-versa) because of the silent resentment that slowly builds between them.
Resentment kills intimacy. If you have conflicts, you MUST communicate and work them out; otherwise, those conflicts will kill any potential that you would have originally had to make your relationships successful. To summarize, a relationship that cannot handle conflict is a relationship that is destined for doom.
Frank Kermit
