- Published on
rebuilding broken trust
Re-Establishing Trust in a Relationship
By Frank Kermit
Trust is one of the most important components of a relationship. Love is a great start, but it takes more than loving someone, or being loved by someone, to make a relationship work. But what happens when the trust in a relationship has been broken?
Re-establishing trust can be a lengthy process. Depending on what area of trust was violated, and what a person's emotional expectations were, it is reasonable to expect that proving trustworthiness again may take a long time.
One of the biggest misconceptions is that re-establishing trust happens over time. Although there is a correlation between re-establishing trust and the time that it takes, it does not mean that time alone is enough to fix the lack of trust that may exist in a relationship. What does help re-establish trust is being able to identify what the source of the break of trust is (i.e. a lie), and then coming to terms with what has to change so that particular breech of trust (i.e the same kind of lie) does not, and cannot, happen again. It is the evidence that new behavior patterns are in place so that the violation of trust is unable to occur again that will help re-establish trust. And THAT is what takes time.
For example, an act of infidelity is a breech of trust. The first step is to find out what the circumstances were that brought on the infidelity. Was it an act of revenge on a partner? Was it an attraction from work that went unchecked during unsupervised overtime? Was alcohol involved thus lowering inhibitions? Was there a lack of sexual intimacy at home, which left a touch-starved partner to seek it elsewhere?
In order for the couple to re-establish trust again, a behavior has to change so that, whatever it was that may have contributed or prompted the violation of trust has been removed. As they relate to the examples above, these actions could include replace a desire for revenge with compassion training, finding a new place of employment, eliminate drinking alcohol during social outings, or going to couples counseling to enhance sexual intimacy.
That is what takes time. It is showing that the new behaviors have taken affect and that they have become new unconscious habits. As soon as that is proven through actions, THAT is when trust can be earned again.
But what if it does not change? What if the new behavior (for example, changing employment) does not change your partner's cheating ways? At that point you have two options. One option is to see if the wrong source of the violation was identified, and to try a different source, and new combative behaviors. The other option is to change your expectations if such changes would be within your personal value system.
Changing expectations is not easy. It means to learn to accept something that you previously were raging against. Some people find peace with changing their expectations and accepting a situation. It can actually be empowering for some people, because instead of raging against the issue and trying to change their partner, they accept it as part of being with their partner. However this does not always work long term. Usually, a person sets a boundary of expectation based on what they value, and trying to change that expectation means having to also re-evaluate their value system.
Lastly, there is one final key element to consider. There are those people that have major trust issues in general. This means that if their trust is violated once, then even in the face of evidence that a new change has occurred and proof that their partner will not violate that particular trust again, these people are unable to let go of the violation.
Being in a relationship means you WILL get hurt, and that your partner WILL make mistakes. If you are a person that has major trust issues, it is unlikely that the level of trust you will need in a relationship will ever be addressed, because over the course of a long-term relationship, your trust in your partner will be let down.
Human beings are an imperfect lot. Your partner is going to goof, like forgetting to pick up those tickets to that special event you have been planning for 3 months. If you have such major trust issues that a situation of forgetting tickets will be met with that same reactions as an act of infidelity, then you will likely sabotage every good relationship that comes your way. Ironically, the only person that someone with major trust issues can date for any length of time is a compulsive lair who can artistically hide every small goof of trust he or she makes.
Bottom line is that trust is an absolute requirement to make a long-term relationship work. If you do not have trust, you cannot have a relationship. At best, a relationship without trust is just a distraction from the rest of your life. That is escapism, not love.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Trust is one of the most important components of a relationship. Love is a great start, but it takes more than loving someone, or being loved by someone, to make a relationship work. But what happens when the trust in a relationship has been broken?
Re-establishing trust can be a lengthy process. Depending on what area of trust was violated, and what a person's emotional expectations were, it is reasonable to expect that proving trustworthiness again may take a long time.
One of the biggest misconceptions is that re-establishing trust happens over time. Although there is a correlation between re-establishing trust and the time that it takes, it does not mean that time alone is enough to fix the lack of trust that may exist in a relationship. What does help re-establish trust is being able to identify what the source of the break of trust is (i.e. a lie), and then coming to terms with what has to change so that particular breech of trust (i.e the same kind of lie) does not, and cannot, happen again. It is the evidence that new behavior patterns are in place so that the violation of trust is unable to occur again that will help re-establish trust. And THAT is what takes time.
For example, an act of infidelity is a breech of trust. The first step is to find out what the circumstances were that brought on the infidelity. Was it an act of revenge on a partner? Was it an attraction from work that went unchecked during unsupervised overtime? Was alcohol involved thus lowering inhibitions? Was there a lack of sexual intimacy at home, which left a touch-starved partner to seek it elsewhere?
In order for the couple to re-establish trust again, a behavior has to change so that, whatever it was that may have contributed or prompted the violation of trust has been removed. As they relate to the examples above, these actions could include replace a desire for revenge with compassion training, finding a new place of employment, eliminate drinking alcohol during social outings, or going to couples counseling to enhance sexual intimacy.
That is what takes time. It is showing that the new behaviors have taken affect and that they have become new unconscious habits. As soon as that is proven through actions, THAT is when trust can be earned again.
But what if it does not change? What if the new behavior (for example, changing employment) does not change your partner's cheating ways? At that point you have two options. One option is to see if the wrong source of the violation was identified, and to try a different source, and new combative behaviors. The other option is to change your expectations if such changes would be within your personal value system.
Changing expectations is not easy. It means to learn to accept something that you previously were raging against. Some people find peace with changing their expectations and accepting a situation. It can actually be empowering for some people, because instead of raging against the issue and trying to change their partner, they accept it as part of being with their partner. However this does not always work long term. Usually, a person sets a boundary of expectation based on what they value, and trying to change that expectation means having to also re-evaluate their value system.
Lastly, there is one final key element to consider. There are those people that have major trust issues in general. This means that if their trust is violated once, then even in the face of evidence that a new change has occurred and proof that their partner will not violate that particular trust again, these people are unable to let go of the violation.
Being in a relationship means you WILL get hurt, and that your partner WILL make mistakes. If you are a person that has major trust issues, it is unlikely that the level of trust you will need in a relationship will ever be addressed, because over the course of a long-term relationship, your trust in your partner will be let down.
Human beings are an imperfect lot. Your partner is going to goof, like forgetting to pick up those tickets to that special event you have been planning for 3 months. If you have such major trust issues that a situation of forgetting tickets will be met with that same reactions as an act of infidelity, then you will likely sabotage every good relationship that comes your way. Ironically, the only person that someone with major trust issues can date for any length of time is a compulsive lair who can artistically hide every small goof of trust he or she makes.
Bottom line is that trust is an absolute requirement to make a long-term relationship work. If you do not have trust, you cannot have a relationship. At best, a relationship without trust is just a distraction from the rest of your life. That is escapism, not love.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Trying to define exactly what you want in a life partner, as well as, the kind of relationship structure that meets your needs is not as easy as some may assume.
Figuring Out What You Want
In Dating
By Frank Kermit
In my work with singles that are struggling to find a serious long-term relationship, one of the challenges is to get the single person to define exactly what it is he or she wants. Many people think they know what they are looking for, or believe that when the right person comes along, they simply will feel it.
Based on my experience and my practice, I have to tell you that such beliefs tend to lead people to dating the wrong partners or ending up very alone as they get older.
Trying to define exactly what you want in a life partner, as well as, the kind of relationship structure that meets your needs is not as easy as some may assume.
First you must balance what you think you want, and what you personally can and cannot handle. You may think you would be happy with a very socially active dating partner; however, it is only after you actually date someone who is very socially active that you come to realize that your own introverted nature and home body lifestyle, simply cannot support dating a socially active partner who is out and about most times and enjoying extrovert behaviors.
Second, there is the issue of not having enough experience with dating in general. How do you know if casually dating a number of people, instead of trying for a monogamous relationship right away would make you happier?
The answer is, you likely do not know, until you try and let experience teach you.
When I meet with clients who struggle like this, I usually suggest that sometimes it can be easier to define what it is you do NOT want. You may not be sure if you want a monogamous relationship right away, or to casually date several people at once, or to have a primary partner with some kind of more open relationship because you simply do not have enough experience to know yourself.
In fact, dating could turn out to be just a big experimental tryout until you figure it out by getting burned a few times. However, if you can list what you are sure you do not want, it can help you narrow down your choices to figure out your next immediate decisions.
For example, if something you know for sure that you do not want in your future is a divorce from the other parent of your own children, then use that as a guiding principle to help you choose what you believe is the best potential learning opportunities going forward.
No one-relationship lifestyle is better than another. Each one has pros and cons and can be better suited for different phases of a person's lifespan.
It is about starting with your end goals, identifying what you know you do not want, and working back from that future point.
This will help you decide who you should attempt to date today, and in what kind of relationship structure you should date that person.
Dating can get complicated if you let it, but it does not have to be that way if you know what your end goals are, and use that knowledge to factor into the choices you make today.
Frank Kermit
In Dating
By Frank Kermit
In my work with singles that are struggling to find a serious long-term relationship, one of the challenges is to get the single person to define exactly what it is he or she wants. Many people think they know what they are looking for, or believe that when the right person comes along, they simply will feel it.
Based on my experience and my practice, I have to tell you that such beliefs tend to lead people to dating the wrong partners or ending up very alone as they get older.
Trying to define exactly what you want in a life partner, as well as, the kind of relationship structure that meets your needs is not as easy as some may assume.
First you must balance what you think you want, and what you personally can and cannot handle. You may think you would be happy with a very socially active dating partner; however, it is only after you actually date someone who is very socially active that you come to realize that your own introverted nature and home body lifestyle, simply cannot support dating a socially active partner who is out and about most times and enjoying extrovert behaviors.
Second, there is the issue of not having enough experience with dating in general. How do you know if casually dating a number of people, instead of trying for a monogamous relationship right away would make you happier?
The answer is, you likely do not know, until you try and let experience teach you.
When I meet with clients who struggle like this, I usually suggest that sometimes it can be easier to define what it is you do NOT want. You may not be sure if you want a monogamous relationship right away, or to casually date several people at once, or to have a primary partner with some kind of more open relationship because you simply do not have enough experience to know yourself.
In fact, dating could turn out to be just a big experimental tryout until you figure it out by getting burned a few times. However, if you can list what you are sure you do not want, it can help you narrow down your choices to figure out your next immediate decisions.
For example, if something you know for sure that you do not want in your future is a divorce from the other parent of your own children, then use that as a guiding principle to help you choose what you believe is the best potential learning opportunities going forward.
No one-relationship lifestyle is better than another. Each one has pros and cons and can be better suited for different phases of a person's lifespan.
It is about starting with your end goals, identifying what you know you do not want, and working back from that future point.
This will help you decide who you should attempt to date today, and in what kind of relationship structure you should date that person.
Dating can get complicated if you let it, but it does not have to be that way if you know what your end goals are, and use that knowledge to factor into the choices you make today.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
The question of living together before marriage comes up most often in my work, when helping couples through pre-marriage coaching, and helping singles figure out their boundaries and personal moral code on their path to finding a life partner.
Is Living Together Before Marriage
a Good Idea?
By Frank Kermit
The question of living together before marriage comes up most often in my work, when helping couples through pre-marriage coaching, and helping singles figure out their boundaries and personal moral code on their path to finding a life partner.
The first place to start when answering this question is whether or not there are any cultural or religious reasons not to live together out of wedlock.
Advice needs to take into account the personal beliefs of the individuals and not force anyone to violate their own sense of right and wrong.
What may be appropriate for one group of people may not be acceptable for another group of people.
In cases where the couple may not have any such issues with living together prior to being married, but the family members close to the couple would not find it acceptable, the next question for that couple to explore is the importance of maintaining familial relations compared to following their own path.
Depending on how close people are to their extended families, and whether or not said families would cast out those who defy family social norms, may factor in greatly to the decision of living together.
With all that said, if there are no cultural or religious practices obstructing the couple from living together before marriage, I would generally counsel that it is a good experience to live together first.
To be clear, there are benefits of living together prior to being married (and if not to get married, then to test the waters for a life partnership and child rearing in the case of raising a family), which favor the couple that learns everything they can about each other.
There are things that you find out about your spouse-to-be only through living with them such as their grooming habits (or lack thereof), their ability to cope with being sick, and how they handle the stresses of everyday life.
Living together is one of the best ways to force an end to any remaining remnants of a honeymoon phase.
Best to know these things about your future spouse before becoming the spouse.
If there was one caveat that I would recommend, it is that living together must be a prelude to getting more serious.
If there is no interest in being serious long term, then do not move in together regardless of any convenience or incentives it may offer.
The best way to insure that neither member of the couple is wasting time with the wrong partner is to set a deadline to ensure that at some point, the couple that is just-living-together, will in time become the couple that is engaged.
If the deadline is reached after living together for a certain time period and the couple has not moved their relationship to the next level, take it as a red flag to end the relationship.
Frank Kermit
a Good Idea?
By Frank Kermit
The question of living together before marriage comes up most often in my work, when helping couples through pre-marriage coaching, and helping singles figure out their boundaries and personal moral code on their path to finding a life partner.
The first place to start when answering this question is whether or not there are any cultural or religious reasons not to live together out of wedlock.
Advice needs to take into account the personal beliefs of the individuals and not force anyone to violate their own sense of right and wrong.
What may be appropriate for one group of people may not be acceptable for another group of people.
In cases where the couple may not have any such issues with living together prior to being married, but the family members close to the couple would not find it acceptable, the next question for that couple to explore is the importance of maintaining familial relations compared to following their own path.
Depending on how close people are to their extended families, and whether or not said families would cast out those who defy family social norms, may factor in greatly to the decision of living together.
With all that said, if there are no cultural or religious practices obstructing the couple from living together before marriage, I would generally counsel that it is a good experience to live together first.
To be clear, there are benefits of living together prior to being married (and if not to get married, then to test the waters for a life partnership and child rearing in the case of raising a family), which favor the couple that learns everything they can about each other.
There are things that you find out about your spouse-to-be only through living with them such as their grooming habits (or lack thereof), their ability to cope with being sick, and how they handle the stresses of everyday life.
Living together is one of the best ways to force an end to any remaining remnants of a honeymoon phase.
Best to know these things about your future spouse before becoming the spouse.
If there was one caveat that I would recommend, it is that living together must be a prelude to getting more serious.
If there is no interest in being serious long term, then do not move in together regardless of any convenience or incentives it may offer.
The best way to insure that neither member of the couple is wasting time with the wrong partner is to set a deadline to ensure that at some point, the couple that is just-living-together, will in time become the couple that is engaged.
If the deadline is reached after living together for a certain time period and the couple has not moved their relationship to the next level, take it as a red flag to end the relationship.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
This is a contributed post.
Marriage Contract https://cdn.pixabay.com/photo/2015/02/01/07/58/divorce-619195_960_720.jpg
Marriage is never easy. After the honeymoon period ends, it can feel like a battlefield. Keeping the romance alive is hard. Having to consider someone else’s feelings at every turn can be a real challenge. For the most part, that challenge will be worthwhile. Being so connected to someone can be a real reward if you put the effort in to make it work. There comes a time, though, when that effort is too much. All marriages need work, but sometimes it can feel as though the work has replaced the good times. At this point, it might be necessary to say goodbye. Here are some signs that things have gone too far.
RESENTMENT
If you start resenting each other, it can be hard to get back to a good place. Resentment can kill the best relationship. That resentment can take on many different forms. It may be that you blame your partner for holding you back in life, or maybe you just resent the way they act. You may feel as though your partner has stolen an important part of yourself. Maybe you just resent the fact that you do all the giving in the relationship. Whatever the cause is, there’s no room for a destructive emotion like resentment in a marriage. As soon as resentment creeps in, the blame game will soon follow. These types of emotion can kill any love between you. Divorce is not an easy choice to come to. If resentment has replaced any feelings of love, it may be the only option left.
DISTANCE
The distance between you and your partner is about more than just physical space. It’s possible to live in the same house as someone, and still feel far from them. Distance can grow in any relationship, and it doesn’t have to mean the end. The larger the gap, the harder it will be to come back from it. A growing distance between the two of you may mean that you are going in opposite directions. If you feel a gap growing, it’s worth sitting your partner down and asking how they feel about it. Communication is a great way to bridge gaps, and if you both agree to make more effort, you may be able to save your love. If the conversation ends in another argument, or nothing seems resolved, it may be time to call it a day. Do you and your partner tell each other about your days? Do you still maintain a physical intimacy? If you are blocking each other out, it may be a sign that distance is growing between you.
RESENTMENT
If you start resenting each other, it can be hard to get back to a good place. Resentment can kill the best relationship. That resentment can take on many different forms. It may be that you blame your partner for holding you back in life, or maybe you just resent the way they act. You may feel as though your partner has stolen an important part of yourself. Maybe you just resent the fact that you do all the giving in the relationship. Whatever the cause is, there’s no room for a destructive emotion like resentment in a marriage. As soon as resentment creeps in, the blame game will soon follow. These types of emotion can kill any love between you. Divorce is not an easy choice to come to. If resentment has replaced any feelings of love, it may be the only option left.
DISTANCE
The distance between you and your partner is about more than just physical space. It’s possible to live in the same house as someone, and still feel far from them. Distance can grow in any relationship, and it doesn’t have to mean the end. The larger the gap, the harder it will be to come back from it. A growing distance between the two of you may mean that you are going in opposite directions. If you feel a gap growing, it’s worth sitting your partner down and asking how they feel about it. Communication is a great way to bridge gaps, and if you both agree to make more effort, you may be able to save your love. If the conversation ends in another argument, or nothing seems resolved, it may be time to call it a day. Do you and your partner tell each other about your days? Do you still maintain a physical intimacy? If you are blocking each other out, it may be a sign that distance is growing between you.
resentment https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/af/Unhappy_couple.jpg
ARGUMENTS
Arguments happen in any relationship. Love is never a smooth road, and sometimes you’re going to annoy each other. A sign that arguments have gone too far is when they happen on a regular basis. Do you snap at each other every time you speak? Do you stay angry at each other for days? These could be signs that things have gone too far.
Arguments happen in any relationship. Love is never a smooth road, and sometimes you’re going to annoy each other. A sign that arguments have gone too far is when they happen on a regular basis. Do you snap at each other every time you speak? Do you stay angry at each other for days? These could be signs that things have gone too far.
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Politics, Political Elections and Dating
Political Elections and Dating
By Frank Kermit
Elections — a time when choices are made, protests have audience, and friendships destroyed (we hope temporarily) over loyalties to political stances.
For some it is a time to face the realities of government policies that may affect the quality of your life (depending on the stage of life you are at) and for others it is a time to hide your head in the sand when the campaigns to make your vote count come knocking.
The one question that comes up in my practice during this period is what to do when you are dating someone that had different political views, or supports a different political party.
As always, the answer is, it depends.
Even the best of couples may disagree on topics that could be more important than not.
However, although common interests and aligned thinking are necessary for long term relationship success, that does not automatically mean that a couple must agree on everything. That type of picture-perfect partnering simply is neither realistic nor necessary.
The first question is what the nature of your relationship is to begin with. If you are involved casually or dating someone in a manner where you are enjoying mutual companionship, but the desire to have a future together is beyond the scope of the couple in question, then voting for different parties is a moot topic.
If you are at a stage of your life where you are past the point of seeking a life partner to have children with, and aren’t even looking for a live-in partner, then those relationship categories of non-committal casual couplings really do not require that the partners be on the same page at all when it comes to politics.
In those cases, these relationship categories simply take the dating dynamics for what it is; a valued togetherness that simply has limits when it comes to certain expectations and short-term commitments.
When it does matter is when a dating duo are seeking a serious long term alliance, whether it be a candidate for living together, having children or forming a blended family unit. In this case, the particular political parties may actually be irrelevant per se, and it is more about the compatible value systems of the couple.
Could an individual who wants limited amounts of government involvement in general day to day live have children with someone that pushes for more government policy at the cost of individual privacy? Can a person who values new independence build a future with someone that wants to maintain the status quo?
Well, given that people who are compatible and have similar backgrounds, can still struggle with commitment and end up divorced, it really comes down to the couple in question, and not how passionate they are about hot topic politics.
Also, given that the platforms of various political parties change over the years, or that politicians themselves switch parties (not necessarily personal beliefs), the best the aspiring couple can do is identify their own belief systems of good and bad and be able to communicate where they individually draw the line about what is right and wrong for themselves.
If and when such a self actualized human being finds a like minded romantic partner, then compatibility and chemistry can work together in an alliance to make love happen. Couples who make the extra effort to know themselves, and learn about each other on that deeper level always get my vote.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Elections — a time when choices are made, protests have audience, and friendships destroyed (we hope temporarily) over loyalties to political stances.
For some it is a time to face the realities of government policies that may affect the quality of your life (depending on the stage of life you are at) and for others it is a time to hide your head in the sand when the campaigns to make your vote count come knocking.
The one question that comes up in my practice during this period is what to do when you are dating someone that had different political views, or supports a different political party.
As always, the answer is, it depends.
Even the best of couples may disagree on topics that could be more important than not.
However, although common interests and aligned thinking are necessary for long term relationship success, that does not automatically mean that a couple must agree on everything. That type of picture-perfect partnering simply is neither realistic nor necessary.
The first question is what the nature of your relationship is to begin with. If you are involved casually or dating someone in a manner where you are enjoying mutual companionship, but the desire to have a future together is beyond the scope of the couple in question, then voting for different parties is a moot topic.
If you are at a stage of your life where you are past the point of seeking a life partner to have children with, and aren’t even looking for a live-in partner, then those relationship categories of non-committal casual couplings really do not require that the partners be on the same page at all when it comes to politics.
In those cases, these relationship categories simply take the dating dynamics for what it is; a valued togetherness that simply has limits when it comes to certain expectations and short-term commitments.
When it does matter is when a dating duo are seeking a serious long term alliance, whether it be a candidate for living together, having children or forming a blended family unit. In this case, the particular political parties may actually be irrelevant per se, and it is more about the compatible value systems of the couple.
Could an individual who wants limited amounts of government involvement in general day to day live have children with someone that pushes for more government policy at the cost of individual privacy? Can a person who values new independence build a future with someone that wants to maintain the status quo?
Well, given that people who are compatible and have similar backgrounds, can still struggle with commitment and end up divorced, it really comes down to the couple in question, and not how passionate they are about hot topic politics.
Also, given that the platforms of various political parties change over the years, or that politicians themselves switch parties (not necessarily personal beliefs), the best the aspiring couple can do is identify their own belief systems of good and bad and be able to communicate where they individually draw the line about what is right and wrong for themselves.
If and when such a self actualized human being finds a like minded romantic partner, then compatibility and chemistry can work together in an alliance to make love happen. Couples who make the extra effort to know themselves, and learn about each other on that deeper level always get my vote.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Seductive Halloween Costumes
Seductive Halloween Costumes
By Frank Kermit
I have always loved Halloween. It is likely one of my most favorite days of the year, except for the fact that I do not like being scared, scaring others, nor the celebration of gore and villains that some Halloween celebrations have turned it into. The part that I love about Halloween is the dress up part. I have always seen it as an opportunity to try on a new persona.
Whether it was to bring out and possibly exaggerate a hidden part of you that has always existed, or the freedom to try out a persona completely outside your own self, I have always adored Halloween as a means of self-exploration. It is one of the few times people feel safe to do so in public because under the Halloween banner, it is more socially acceptable.
Halloween costumes can be anything you want. However, when it comes to dating and relationship coaching, even Halloween costumes can have more intent and meaning attached.
For example, if you are going to a Halloween costume party, your choice of costume can very well influence your ability to attract a single person to you, or make a statement about you already being in a relationship.
If you are in a newly formed relationship and are ready to make a more public statement about it to your existing social circles, the right pair of costumes may suit you well.
For example, if you are in a relationship, you and your partner may want to wear complimentary costumes, so that the message of “we-come-together” is better stated. Couples themed costumes help send the message that you are there to have fun with your partner, but there is no mistaking that the two of you came together, and will leave together.
For example, Couples who wear Peanut Butter and Jelly costumes respectively, Partners in Crime Jail Bird Costumes, even a bride and groom costume (get imaginative with the marriage theme). All of them serve to point out that you are one of a pair that come-and-go together. These categories also include going in costume as well known twosomes such as Fred and Wilma Flintstone, Star Trek’s Riker and Troi, and even Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb.
If you are single, the best advice I can offer about your choice of costume is to pick something that will meet two criteria.
The first is to pick a costume that has a story to it. Nothing more seductive than the ability to tell a story about a peak life experience of yours, or being able to share a part of yourself that is brought up in conversation through your costume. If you were hoping you would get the chance to talk about your last skydiving jump, or scaling a dangerous cliff, then costumes of skydivers and rock climbers are just the ticket. If you were hoping to let a potential partner know how much you believe in magical love connections, maybe a costume of a wizard may be in order to help you cast your spell of attraction.
These also include costumes of romantic figures such as Zorro, various superheroes, and professions of doctors, nurses, police officers, fire fighters and other fantasy fueling costumes. If there is any sort of stereotypical fantasy role-playing involved, these costumes may bring you some attention that you can capitalize on to meet other singles seeking the same.
The second is to pick a costume that allows for more intimate interactions, just in case you do happen to meet someone you really like and want to get closer to that night. To put it more bluntly, if you are single and seeking to select the right costume, pick something that you could easily initiate and take part in a make-out session. If you have to remove your mask just to be able to kiss, it is not a seductive costume.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Couples Halloween Costumes Ideas
Couples, Costumes and Halloween
By Frank Kermit
Halloween is a great time for couples to have fun.
If you are in a newly formed couple and want everyone to know about it, or a well-established couple that wants to do something together for Halloween, here are some costume ideas for couples.
First, couples that dress up as well known, successful couples have a variety of costumes to choose from.
Fred and Wilma, Homer and Marge, Shrek and Fiona, Gomez and Morticia, Popeye and Olive, and Mickey and Minnie just to name a few.
These costumes are for the couples that really want to send out a message that they are at a Halloween party together as a couple.
With this theme in mind, I recommend that such couples stay away from costumes of couples that did not last. Thus, no Sonny and Cher, Kermit and Piggy, or Lucy and Ricky. (Most recently we found out that Han Solo and Leia did not stay together either).
Next are couples costumes that mostly represent two characters from the same story or theme, but not necessarily characters that were ever romantically involved.
These include the couples costumes of Gru and a Minion, Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf, Pacman and Ghost, two random superheroes, and Toy Story’s Woody and Jessie (Jessie was actually romantically linked with the character Buzz Lightyear, not Sheriff Woody).
Also included in this group are Cat in the Hat’s Thing 1 and Thing 2, a Matador and Bull couples costume, and Dorothy and Scarecrow costume pair from Wizard of Oz (honorable mention for Cookie Monster and a Cookie).
The challenge here is that although they are part of the same theme, it does not use the symbolism of actual characters that are romantically involved couples.
They are all great costumes, but not necessary the best possible costumes for couples looking to make a statement.
Personally I believe the best costumes are Costume Set-Pairs:
This means that unto itself, the individual costume looks like it is incomplete alone and requires something else to go with it, so the natural inclination is to assume there is a partner costume to go with it.
These types of costume pairings tend to be gender neutral.
These include Puzzle Pieces costume (especially if the two costume pieces fit together), Pair of Dice, Peanut Butter and Jelly, Day and Night, and even specially designed Salt and Pepper Shakers.
In cases like these, when you see one half of the couple such as Eggs, there is no mistaken, that somewhere in the party is that person’s favorite Bacon.
Final word of caution: although wonderful at certain kinds of parties, highly sexualized costumes may not be the best idea.
Pimp and Hoe, Hefner and Bunny, body parts, contraceptives, and fetish fantasy costumes are all great costumes, however it may invite other party goers to approach you both for more than just a costume compliment.
If either of you are the jealous type, you could be setting yourself up for some uncomfortable situations.
In short, do not subject yourself to other people’s tricks just because you wish to treat yourself to a titillating couples costume.
Have a safe, fun and loving Halloween!
By Frank Kermit
Halloween is a great time for couples to have fun.
If you are in a newly formed couple and want everyone to know about it, or a well-established couple that wants to do something together for Halloween, here are some costume ideas for couples.
First, couples that dress up as well known, successful couples have a variety of costumes to choose from.
Fred and Wilma, Homer and Marge, Shrek and Fiona, Gomez and Morticia, Popeye and Olive, and Mickey and Minnie just to name a few.
These costumes are for the couples that really want to send out a message that they are at a Halloween party together as a couple.
With this theme in mind, I recommend that such couples stay away from costumes of couples that did not last. Thus, no Sonny and Cher, Kermit and Piggy, or Lucy and Ricky. (Most recently we found out that Han Solo and Leia did not stay together either).
Next are couples costumes that mostly represent two characters from the same story or theme, but not necessarily characters that were ever romantically involved.
These include the couples costumes of Gru and a Minion, Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf, Pacman and Ghost, two random superheroes, and Toy Story’s Woody and Jessie (Jessie was actually romantically linked with the character Buzz Lightyear, not Sheriff Woody).
Also included in this group are Cat in the Hat’s Thing 1 and Thing 2, a Matador and Bull couples costume, and Dorothy and Scarecrow costume pair from Wizard of Oz (honorable mention for Cookie Monster and a Cookie).
The challenge here is that although they are part of the same theme, it does not use the symbolism of actual characters that are romantically involved couples.
They are all great costumes, but not necessary the best possible costumes for couples looking to make a statement.
Personally I believe the best costumes are Costume Set-Pairs:
This means that unto itself, the individual costume looks like it is incomplete alone and requires something else to go with it, so the natural inclination is to assume there is a partner costume to go with it.
These types of costume pairings tend to be gender neutral.
These include Puzzle Pieces costume (especially if the two costume pieces fit together), Pair of Dice, Peanut Butter and Jelly, Day and Night, and even specially designed Salt and Pepper Shakers.
In cases like these, when you see one half of the couple such as Eggs, there is no mistaken, that somewhere in the party is that person’s favorite Bacon.
Final word of caution: although wonderful at certain kinds of parties, highly sexualized costumes may not be the best idea.
Pimp and Hoe, Hefner and Bunny, body parts, contraceptives, and fetish fantasy costumes are all great costumes, however it may invite other party goers to approach you both for more than just a costume compliment.
If either of you are the jealous type, you could be setting yourself up for some uncomfortable situations.
In short, do not subject yourself to other people’s tricks just because you wish to treat yourself to a titillating couples costume.
Have a safe, fun and loving Halloween!
- Published on
Credibility Creates Commitment
Credibility Creates Commitment
By Frank Kermit
When someone comes to me for coaching to figure out why they are still single despite being able to attract a number of partners to date, I start coaching them with an assessment of what happens on those dates to look for actions and behaviors that may be turning off potential life partners. Most people are often unaware of the things they may be doing or saying that causes the other person to halt any potential commitment.
One of the behaviors that I often spot is how a person lacks credibility in the way they communicate, which I believe to be a source of why they may be able to attract a lot of dates, but none of them turn into a serious commitment. Although there are people who are commitment-phobic (who self sabotage a potential serious relationship because of a deep rooted fear that a committed relationship is related to more pain than it would bring pleasure), this is not always the case when dealing with people that WANT a serious commitment and associate being single with being in pain.
An easy way to summarize a lack of credibility is whether or not someone is caught breaking his or her own rules. It does not matter what your rules are per se; what matters is if you break your own rules. For example:
If you mention that family values are important to you, but you are caught trying to get out of a parent-teacher meeting, you lack credibility. In the mind of your date, if family values were as important to you as you claimed you would be willing to attend the parent-teacher meetings regardless if it means having to attend with your ex, because it is about your kids (your family). You lack credibility.
If you mention that you do not like seafood on a date, because you sense that your date does not like seafood and you want your date to like you, but you are caught ordering seafood at a later time because you forgot what you said that first meeting, you lack credibility. In the mind of your date, if you are willing to lie about something small because you wanted to be liked, then you likely will lie about something big down the road to avoid the possible conflicts it would bring. You lack credibility.
If you mention on a date that you do not have sex unless in a committed relationship, and then proceed to have sex with the person you are seeing before any serious commitment has been established because it felt right, you lack credibility. In the mind of your date, if you are willing to go break your rules just because you felt like it in the moment, how is your date suppose to trust any promise you make, if there is a chance you will break your promises because of the way you may feel in the moment. You lack credibility.
It is not the facts that you would rather avoid dealing with an ex, ordered the halibut, or had sex sooner than later because it felt right. What you are being judged on is that you said one thing (your rules) and did another thing (your actions). This lack of congruence is what are scaring people away from getting serious with you.
Think of it this way. A serious relationship can be a risky endeavor. A person may risk their children (having an unfit step parent can affect custody not to mention the safety of the children), their resources (what people lose in a divorce), their financial credit (sharing of debt repayment), even their very way of life (image the ways of losing your profession because you made a bad partner choice).
So if someone is looking to find a person to make a commitment too, that commit must be earned. Lacking credibility because of the way you break your own rules destroys the desire to commit. Credibility-Creates-Commitment.
- Published on
positive thinking law of attraction tips
Grateful To Positive, Positive To Attractive
By Frank Kermit
Thanksgiving is here! It is a time for people to be grateful for everything they have, even if they do not have everything they need or want. With that said, the practice of being grateful for what we already have is also a wonderful tool for being attractive enough to attract the kinds of people you would like to date and have more serious relationships with.
On its own accord, the process of being grateful helps individuals break the process of taking things for granted. This is an excellent way to get into a good habit, so that you never end up potentially taking people (like the individuals you date and get more seriously involved with) for granted either.
Coaching people about being grateful has its challenges. Then again, I am grateful for the opportunity to coach people, and I am grateful for everything that coaching others has taught me, and grateful that I get to share my knowledge with you dear reader. One of the challenges is that some people see gratefulness as a reason not to pursue or want more. Being grateful for what you already have is not supposed to be a deterrent from going after more of what you want. Just because you are grateful that you are living in an apartment and not living on the street does not (nor should not) make you give up your ambitions of owning a home instead of renting an apartment. When being grateful is used as a means to kill ambition, it is likely not gratefulness that someone is practicing, but potential self-sabotage.
The point of practicing gratefulness is to engage a positive state of mind. By eliminating any negative thoughts and feelings surrounding all the things you feel you do not have yet, or never got to experience, it forces you to shift your focus and energy to more positive efforts of aiming to achieve all the goals you have still set for yourself.
When negative thoughts and emotions are permitted to fester, they inevitably taint your focus to the point where, you will only be able to filter in even more negativity, and filter out all the potentially positive elements that could enter into your life. This applies to love as well. If you only focus on the hurt, heartbreak and hell of your past history, you will not be open to the possible potentially pleasing partners presenting opportunity for pairing up.
If you struggle to be positive about love, focus instead on being grateful for everything, including the lessons you learned from the bad experiences. You may not be grateful for the bad things that have happened to you, but it can be easier to accept them and move on, when you focus your attention on being grateful for all the lessons you learned from your past, as a means not to repeat the same mistakes (and thus avoid the same consequences) again.
If you give in to gratefulness living, that practice of gratefulness leads to a more positive emotional and mental state, and that will allow you to build attraction to bring in more positive people of love into your life.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
This is a contributed post.
Some people seem to have all the bad luck with relationships. The same terrible things seem to happen again and again, and they end in the same ways. For some, it really is just a run of bad luck. But what if it's not just a coincidence that things keep going wrong? If you keep repeating the same patterns, perhaps it's time to take a harder look. You need to examine the people you choose, and the reasons they choose you. You should consider the ways you behave when you're in a relationship. Think about the patterns of behavior that you and your partners always seem to get into. These can be the best ways to break the cycle of bad relationships and change things once and for all.
https://pixabay.com/en/pair-love-human-romance-happy-418697/ Date at the Beach
Examine the People You Choose
Have you found that you keep ending up with the same types of people, who do the same things wrong? Each time you start a new relationship, you think "this one is different". They seem kind, fun and interesting, and they seem to care about you. But inevitably, the relationship creeps into arguing, manipulation, cheating or something else. A lot of people come out of these relationships thinking "what's wrong with me?". But that's not exactly the best way to approach it. Don't convince yourself that there's something fundamentally wrong with you. You're not incapable of choosing a good partner.
You need to consider how you pick your romantic partners. Where do you find them, and what attracts you to them? As well as thinking about that, you should also consider what they find attractive about you. For example, when you meet someone you like, do you immediately feel attached to them? Do you feel like you already have strong feelings for them and want to jump with both feet into a relationship? Not only could this be a mistake on your part, but it could signal that you're easily taken advantage of. Everyone who wants to break out of unhealthy relationship patterns needs to look at how and why they choose their partners. If you're unsure where to start, ask a trusted friend. You can even see a therapist for their honest opinion of where you're going wrong. Sites like allwomenstalk.com can help you recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship.
Look at Your Own Behaviors
It's important to look out how you behave, both when looking for a relationship and when you're in one. What could you be doing that leads to the same patterns and events occurring every time? Many people find that they are sabotaging their relationships without realizing it. Unfortunately, it can take a long time to work out where you're going wrong. Some people take years or never manage to realize what they're doing. There could be many things you're doing wrong. Are you too quick to start fights, reluctant to open up, or too easily jealous? You don't have to change your personality, but you may need to rethink some of your behaviors.
Have you found that you keep ending up with the same types of people, who do the same things wrong? Each time you start a new relationship, you think "this one is different". They seem kind, fun and interesting, and they seem to care about you. But inevitably, the relationship creeps into arguing, manipulation, cheating or something else. A lot of people come out of these relationships thinking "what's wrong with me?". But that's not exactly the best way to approach it. Don't convince yourself that there's something fundamentally wrong with you. You're not incapable of choosing a good partner.
You need to consider how you pick your romantic partners. Where do you find them, and what attracts you to them? As well as thinking about that, you should also consider what they find attractive about you. For example, when you meet someone you like, do you immediately feel attached to them? Do you feel like you already have strong feelings for them and want to jump with both feet into a relationship? Not only could this be a mistake on your part, but it could signal that you're easily taken advantage of. Everyone who wants to break out of unhealthy relationship patterns needs to look at how and why they choose their partners. If you're unsure where to start, ask a trusted friend. You can even see a therapist for their honest opinion of where you're going wrong. Sites like allwomenstalk.com can help you recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship.
Look at Your Own Behaviors
It's important to look out how you behave, both when looking for a relationship and when you're in one. What could you be doing that leads to the same patterns and events occurring every time? Many people find that they are sabotaging their relationships without realizing it. Unfortunately, it can take a long time to work out where you're going wrong. Some people take years or never manage to realize what they're doing. There could be many things you're doing wrong. Are you too quick to start fights, reluctant to open up, or too easily jealous? You don't have to change your personality, but you may need to rethink some of your behaviors.
https://pixabay.com/en/yoga-silhouette-woman-relaxation-544970/ Stretch Yourself
Work on Yourself
Before you can be in a healthy relationship, you need to know yourself. You can find advice about caring for yourself before getting back with your ex on Charice's blog ExBackExpertise.com. Whether you want to get back with someone you love or begin a new relationship, you need to be comfortable with yourself first. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to single for a while. If you think you're a serial monogamist, it could be time for a break. Try setting a time-frame for not having a romantic relationship. Give yourself six months to be on your own, but don't think about it as being lonely. Use the time to spend time with your friends, as well as spend time on your own. Do things for yourself and work out who you are. Some people find that they pick up the likes and dislikes of their partners. But when they're on their own, they're not sure who they really are.
Work Out What You Want and Where to Find It
It's important to know what you want from a relationship and how to get it. Choosing the right partners and working out if you're right for each other is important. You need to consider how you want your relationship to make you feel. The practical things are also important, such as marriage and children. However, what do you see your partner doing by your side? Making you laugh, traveling with you, or providing a companion through tough times? When you know what you want, knowing where to look is important too. If you're looking for a serious relationship, Tinder might not by the place to find it.
Before you can be in a healthy relationship, you need to know yourself. You can find advice about caring for yourself before getting back with your ex on Charice's blog ExBackExpertise.com. Whether you want to get back with someone you love or begin a new relationship, you need to be comfortable with yourself first. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to single for a while. If you think you're a serial monogamist, it could be time for a break. Try setting a time-frame for not having a romantic relationship. Give yourself six months to be on your own, but don't think about it as being lonely. Use the time to spend time with your friends, as well as spend time on your own. Do things for yourself and work out who you are. Some people find that they pick up the likes and dislikes of their partners. But when they're on their own, they're not sure who they really are.
Work Out What You Want and Where to Find It
It's important to know what you want from a relationship and how to get it. Choosing the right partners and working out if you're right for each other is important. You need to consider how you want your relationship to make you feel. The practical things are also important, such as marriage and children. However, what do you see your partner doing by your side? Making you laugh, traveling with you, or providing a companion through tough times? When you know what you want, knowing where to look is important too. If you're looking for a serious relationship, Tinder might not by the place to find it.
https://pixabay.com/en/sunset-kiss-couple-love-romance-691995/ first kiss
Adjust Your Expectations
Sometimes you might experience the same relationship patterns because your expectations are too high. You can't enter into a relationship thinking that it's going to be perfect or won't require any work. Perhaps you bail at the first sign of an argument. Or you feel disappointed that your partner doesn't seem to be as madly in love as you. Adjusting your expectations is important, and ties into what you're looking for. Many people fall into bad relationships because what they're looking for is love. They don't care enough about who the love comes from. Perhaps they're also looking for marriage. But neither love or marriage are people. They are what happens when you find the right person. You need to think of them as byproducts, not goals.
Improve Your Communication
Communication can be the downfall of many relationships. Sometimes the problem is that you have different communication styles. Maybe you need time to think about something before discussing it. Meanwhile, your partner wants to hash it out on the spot. Perhaps you prefer to show you care through words, while they do it through actions. Being able to communicate effectively with your partner is essential. Of course, communication is a two-way street, so they need to meet you in the middle. Go into your next relationship with a willingness to communicate more openly and with more patience.
If you want to break a cycle of bad relationships, you need to examine yourself. The choices you make affect the outcome of your relationship.
Sometimes you might experience the same relationship patterns because your expectations are too high. You can't enter into a relationship thinking that it's going to be perfect or won't require any work. Perhaps you bail at the first sign of an argument. Or you feel disappointed that your partner doesn't seem to be as madly in love as you. Adjusting your expectations is important, and ties into what you're looking for. Many people fall into bad relationships because what they're looking for is love. They don't care enough about who the love comes from. Perhaps they're also looking for marriage. But neither love or marriage are people. They are what happens when you find the right person. You need to think of them as byproducts, not goals.
Improve Your Communication
Communication can be the downfall of many relationships. Sometimes the problem is that you have different communication styles. Maybe you need time to think about something before discussing it. Meanwhile, your partner wants to hash it out on the spot. Perhaps you prefer to show you care through words, while they do it through actions. Being able to communicate effectively with your partner is essential. Of course, communication is a two-way street, so they need to meet you in the middle. Go into your next relationship with a willingness to communicate more openly and with more patience.
If you want to break a cycle of bad relationships, you need to examine yourself. The choices you make affect the outcome of your relationship.
