- Published on
Sex Between Friends Is Anything But Casual
The Rules Of Friends-With-Benefits
By Frank Kermit
Sex between friends! There are some different names this particular relationship structure goes by. Sex-friends, Sex-buddies, C.S.B.F. (casual sex between friends) are among the less vulgar terms. Virgins, or those people with just a little sexual experience, call them "practice partners". The one that seems to be the most popular is F.W.B (friends with benefits). It really does seem like a good idea at the time. Neither of you are in serious relationships. You are both friends. You like each other...enough. You feel comfortable and trust each other. You are lonely, horny, curious or just bored. However, like any relationship structure, there are guidelines to follow and not managing your FWB well, will not only cost you the "benefits" but could also cost you both the entire friendship.
A proper FWB relationship means you only see each other once a week. Twice a week on occasion if you plan a special getaway. One of the biggest mistakes that partners make in FWB is that they try to see each other as often as they can in a short time period. All this will do is confuse the issue. Seeing each other more than once a week is acting like more serious relationship than it is, and can nurture romantic feelings to develop. If you act like you are more than just a FWB, you can expect one or both partners to start feeling, wanting or expecting more from each other, even if you had "the talk". (The Talk is when you talk and both agree that this is just friends having sex, that it will not change anything in your friendship, and you both understand that this is not going to turn into a relationship.
FYI: The talk does not work if you act like you are publically dating regardless of what you agreed to in private before sex.) When you do see your FWB, make sure that it is never on Friday or Saturday nights, as those nights are best left reserved for family and social outings, where you are likely to meet someone that you can have more committed love relationship than that with a FWB.
It is key to remember that FWB is a time-limited affair. You are only together for as long as it takes for just one of you to meet, date and get serious enough with another person such that being FWB would become an act of infidelity to the new partner. Once your FWB finds someone new, or you do, you stop being FWB. If you have managed it well, you will hopefully still be friends. If you cannot wish your FWB to be able to find love and happiness with a potential soul mate that is not you...then be ethical. Do not become FWB.
FWB is a discreet engagement. No one should ever know you even have a FWB. No one should ever be able to find out just by seeing the two of you together that you are being intimate when alone. When you and your FWB are in the same social circle and happen to be at the same party or social event, you behave like friends who are NOT sleeping together.
FWB works behind closed doors when no one is looking. You do not hold hands, kiss or show romantic affection for each other in the presence of your other friends. If your FWB is talking with someone that could be a potential future date for him or her, you cannot express any jealousy. You are not in a public romantic relationship. You are having a private intimate exchange with someone that is a friend. Too the rest of the world, you must present yourselves as nothing but friends. You do not "date" your FWB. You do not attend events "with" your FWB. You can meet up afterwards in secret, but again, keep your mouth shut, as no one should know your private business. In fact, you never even tell your FWB about your other FWB, nor should you ask whom else your FWB has as a FWB. For this reason, use protection and practice safe sex. There are many secrets you can share with friends, but who else is your FWB, and or whether or not you even have one, is not one of them.
Virgins can find lots of benefits as FWB. The opportunity to practice kissing, touching, being sexual, without the pressure of trying to get a partner to keep liking you, adding to that the comfort of being vulnerable with someone that is already deemed a friend has prompted many virgins to lose their virginities through FWB. At least that is the theory.
Some people who lost their virginities as FWB feel it gave them the confidence they needed to take a chance on the future relationships they went into, while others regret not waiting as they wished they would have experienced their first times within relationships that were more meaningfully committed. Be sure you know what you value. There are things you simply cannot take back.
Be mindful that FWB can be educational and very fun. However there are always negatives with this lifestyle. First, great fun can be easily confused with great escapism. Some people thrive as FWB because they have deep-rooted intimacy issues and it is a means to continue that dysfunctional repeating behavior pattern. When fun becomes escapism, the sex stops being satisfying and resorts to just another temporary distraction to combat the entrenched empty feelings associated with intimacy barriers. Ironically, some people only do FWB because they want to see as many people as they can so that they never end up alone.
The reality of FWB is that these time-limited love fits, tend to end quickly and the FWB practitioners tend to end up alone at the worst possible times. For example, no one would want to spend Valentine's Day with a FWB when they could have the potential (not even a guarantee, but just a potential) of meeting someone new for a deeper connection which is why many FWB tend to end abruptly just before or on V-day.
FWB is not a romantic relationship per se, and if that is all you have ever experienced, you will not have developed the social skills necessary to carry you through the rough patches that even the best-committed relationships go through. You can drop a FWB at any time, and it is actually easier to do so than it is to work out your differences. If you have formed that habit of flight instead of fighting to keep your relationship healthy, then trying to manage a more serious relationship later on will be challenging for you if all you have ever known are FWB.
Some people become too reliant on FWB, that they stop being social. It is just easier to continue being with the same FWB and not going out to meet new people. This is a horrible place to be in, because when the FWB ends (and it will), those partners that stopped meeting new people, and growing socially, end up worse off than if they never tried the FWB dynamic.
Even if managed well, as mentioned in this article, it is still very possible to end up developing romantic feelings for the person you are semi-regularly sleeping with. Your heart may not get "broken"...but your heart certainly will get dinged. It takes a level of emotional maturity management that not everyone has the capacity for. FWB is not for everyone.
Eventually, chances are very high that one or both of you will end up in a serious relationship down the road. The chances are also very high that your future spouse or partner will not want you to continue a friendship with someone that you were secretly intimate with. When getting very serious with someone, it may be the time to tell all about who your FWB were, especially if those FWB are still in your current social circle.
This may not apply to all couples, however some people change their open accepting attitudes when not only their hearts are involved, but factor in joint property investments, kids and a lifestyle, such that the idea of spending free time with people that already have established successfully being intimate with their life partner in secret in the past, will cause more trust issues for the future. It will be easier to manage the concerns of the new life partner, than keeping the friendship with an ex FWB is ever worth. Your time as FWB will end at some at some point. If you want to continue to have your FWB, as a friend when it is over, be sure to manage the relationship so that you do not lose, not only your FWB, but also the entire social networks you both were part in. And even then, your friendship will always have an asterisks next to it, so don't expect that friendship to last forever either. Just like any other endeavor that comes with lots of immediate "benefits", in the end, you end up having to pay the price over time for them. Sometimes the long term cost effects weren't worth the initial benefits you were provided.
Shop carefully!
Frank Kermit
The Rules Of Friends-With-Benefits
By Frank Kermit
Sex between friends! There are some different names this particular relationship structure goes by. Sex-friends, Sex-buddies, C.S.B.F. (casual sex between friends) are among the less vulgar terms. Virgins, or those people with just a little sexual experience, call them "practice partners". The one that seems to be the most popular is F.W.B (friends with benefits). It really does seem like a good idea at the time. Neither of you are in serious relationships. You are both friends. You like each other...enough. You feel comfortable and trust each other. You are lonely, horny, curious or just bored. However, like any relationship structure, there are guidelines to follow and not managing your FWB well, will not only cost you the "benefits" but could also cost you both the entire friendship.
A proper FWB relationship means you only see each other once a week. Twice a week on occasion if you plan a special getaway. One of the biggest mistakes that partners make in FWB is that they try to see each other as often as they can in a short time period. All this will do is confuse the issue. Seeing each other more than once a week is acting like more serious relationship than it is, and can nurture romantic feelings to develop. If you act like you are more than just a FWB, you can expect one or both partners to start feeling, wanting or expecting more from each other, even if you had "the talk". (The Talk is when you talk and both agree that this is just friends having sex, that it will not change anything in your friendship, and you both understand that this is not going to turn into a relationship.
FYI: The talk does not work if you act like you are publically dating regardless of what you agreed to in private before sex.) When you do see your FWB, make sure that it is never on Friday or Saturday nights, as those nights are best left reserved for family and social outings, where you are likely to meet someone that you can have more committed love relationship than that with a FWB.
It is key to remember that FWB is a time-limited affair. You are only together for as long as it takes for just one of you to meet, date and get serious enough with another person such that being FWB would become an act of infidelity to the new partner. Once your FWB finds someone new, or you do, you stop being FWB. If you have managed it well, you will hopefully still be friends. If you cannot wish your FWB to be able to find love and happiness with a potential soul mate that is not you...then be ethical. Do not become FWB.
FWB is a discreet engagement. No one should ever know you even have a FWB. No one should ever be able to find out just by seeing the two of you together that you are being intimate when alone. When you and your FWB are in the same social circle and happen to be at the same party or social event, you behave like friends who are NOT sleeping together.
FWB works behind closed doors when no one is looking. You do not hold hands, kiss or show romantic affection for each other in the presence of your other friends. If your FWB is talking with someone that could be a potential future date for him or her, you cannot express any jealousy. You are not in a public romantic relationship. You are having a private intimate exchange with someone that is a friend. Too the rest of the world, you must present yourselves as nothing but friends. You do not "date" your FWB. You do not attend events "with" your FWB. You can meet up afterwards in secret, but again, keep your mouth shut, as no one should know your private business. In fact, you never even tell your FWB about your other FWB, nor should you ask whom else your FWB has as a FWB. For this reason, use protection and practice safe sex. There are many secrets you can share with friends, but who else is your FWB, and or whether or not you even have one, is not one of them.
Virgins can find lots of benefits as FWB. The opportunity to practice kissing, touching, being sexual, without the pressure of trying to get a partner to keep liking you, adding to that the comfort of being vulnerable with someone that is already deemed a friend has prompted many virgins to lose their virginities through FWB. At least that is the theory.
Some people who lost their virginities as FWB feel it gave them the confidence they needed to take a chance on the future relationships they went into, while others regret not waiting as they wished they would have experienced their first times within relationships that were more meaningfully committed. Be sure you know what you value. There are things you simply cannot take back.
Be mindful that FWB can be educational and very fun. However there are always negatives with this lifestyle. First, great fun can be easily confused with great escapism. Some people thrive as FWB because they have deep-rooted intimacy issues and it is a means to continue that dysfunctional repeating behavior pattern. When fun becomes escapism, the sex stops being satisfying and resorts to just another temporary distraction to combat the entrenched empty feelings associated with intimacy barriers. Ironically, some people only do FWB because they want to see as many people as they can so that they never end up alone.
The reality of FWB is that these time-limited love fits, tend to end quickly and the FWB practitioners tend to end up alone at the worst possible times. For example, no one would want to spend Valentine's Day with a FWB when they could have the potential (not even a guarantee, but just a potential) of meeting someone new for a deeper connection which is why many FWB tend to end abruptly just before or on V-day.
FWB is not a romantic relationship per se, and if that is all you have ever experienced, you will not have developed the social skills necessary to carry you through the rough patches that even the best-committed relationships go through. You can drop a FWB at any time, and it is actually easier to do so than it is to work out your differences. If you have formed that habit of flight instead of fighting to keep your relationship healthy, then trying to manage a more serious relationship later on will be challenging for you if all you have ever known are FWB.
Some people become too reliant on FWB, that they stop being social. It is just easier to continue being with the same FWB and not going out to meet new people. This is a horrible place to be in, because when the FWB ends (and it will), those partners that stopped meeting new people, and growing socially, end up worse off than if they never tried the FWB dynamic.
Even if managed well, as mentioned in this article, it is still very possible to end up developing romantic feelings for the person you are semi-regularly sleeping with. Your heart may not get "broken"...but your heart certainly will get dinged. It takes a level of emotional maturity management that not everyone has the capacity for. FWB is not for everyone.
Eventually, chances are very high that one or both of you will end up in a serious relationship down the road. The chances are also very high that your future spouse or partner will not want you to continue a friendship with someone that you were secretly intimate with. When getting very serious with someone, it may be the time to tell all about who your FWB were, especially if those FWB are still in your current social circle.
This may not apply to all couples, however some people change their open accepting attitudes when not only their hearts are involved, but factor in joint property investments, kids and a lifestyle, such that the idea of spending free time with people that already have established successfully being intimate with their life partner in secret in the past, will cause more trust issues for the future. It will be easier to manage the concerns of the new life partner, than keeping the friendship with an ex FWB is ever worth. Your time as FWB will end at some at some point. If you want to continue to have your FWB, as a friend when it is over, be sure to manage the relationship so that you do not lose, not only your FWB, but also the entire social networks you both were part in. And even then, your friendship will always have an asterisks next to it, so don't expect that friendship to last forever either. Just like any other endeavor that comes with lots of immediate "benefits", in the end, you end up having to pay the price over time for them. Sometimes the long term cost effects weren't worth the initial benefits you were provided.
Shop carefully!
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Pick And Choose Your Fights
By Frank Kermit
Fighting in relationships is normal. The issue is not whether you fight. The issue is HOW a couple fights. Do they talk out their disagreements? Do they wait until they are alone together, or fight in front of others? Do they resort to name calling and screaming for even the most trivial things? Do they throw furniture at each other? Or, do they not fight at all, fearful of the potential consequences (real or imaginary) and let their anger simmer until it turns into blinding resentment, possibly erupting in a massive rage outburst. It is not even a question of finding ways not to fight. The focus is on helping people understand to pick and choose their fights in a relationship.
This Frank Rule of Relationships, to pick and choose your fights, is also a great Calibration tool. Knowing how to screen if a fight is worth the effort, or if a fight is a waste of your time, can help smooth things along for long-term relationship success.
It is important to judge who you are fighting with. Is the person you are about to engage with someone that is toxic (meaning the person lacks the capacity to reason or be reasonable)? Then your attempts to argue with such a person are futile.
For example, an addict that is in the throws of withdrawal and desperately demanding money from you to feed the addiction is not in a reasonable state of mind where your attempts of talking to him or her out of it, will most likely not be effective. Even therapists try to arrange their sessions with addicts to happen at a time when the addict would be most receptive to talking.
It is also important to be able to access your own ability to manage an unpleasant discussion that can easily turned heated. Know thy self, dear reader. If you can estimate that you would be unable to properly and maturely discuss a matter at a given moment, arrange with your partner to be able to talk about it at a later time, when you have had the chance to cool down and can be in a more rational and accepting frame of mind.
In picking and choosing your fights, it is not about going to either extreme of always fighting with people about everything, or never fighting with anyone regardless of what they do to you. It is about being able to decipher when it is worth the time and effort to express yourself, when it is necessary to communicate a consequence that you will enact based on your reaction to others, and when you shouldn't even bother trying at all.
If you zealously argue for every inconvenience you suffer, regardless of how important it is or isn't, you will likely lose credibility in the eyes of those you regularly communicate too. It can also very likely isolate you as few people want to be around the professional protestor, who usually do not understand that fighting about the political climate you are living in does not mandate the same reaction as your toast being under-toasted at the breakfast you ordered at the local greasy spoon.
When you do pick the fight that you think is worth it, and assuming you are dealing with a reasonable person, and assuming that you are in a good frame of mind, make the distinction between expressing your issue, and issuing a consequence to the issue.
When you express the issue that you are willing to fight about (it could be a boundary, a need of yours, or a manner in which you expect to be treated) it is important to simply state the issue.
For example, when a cashier is spending time on the phone instead of doing her job, expressing your issue when you pick this fight may sound something like: "Excuse me miss, when I come to the cash register, I would appreciate that you get off the phone with your friend, and do your job." Here you are not resorting to name-calling, screaming, or threats. You are directly, calmly and clearly stating your issue when picking this fight. If the cashier is actually a reasonable person, she will realize the importance of your expression, and will follow through to accommodate you. If the cashier is a reasonable person having an unreasonable moment (or maybe she is just toxic after all), she may try to justify her position or try to attack your position as in: "This will only be a minute, are you that much in a hurry?"
It is at THIS point, that you would go from expressing your issue to enforcing your issue by stating a consequence, which could sound something like this: "Miss, if you do not end that call and do your job right now, then I will have to take up this matter with your manager, who I am sure will not be as open to your pressing call."
The key is that you do not mention the consequence until after you have given the person a chance to wake up, for what could be just a bad day for them.
Conflict is never a pleasant situation. However, it is a part of life, and your ability to pick and choose your fights will help determine your ability to manage your long-term relationship success. You do not have a choice when it comes to what people may try to put you through, but you do have a choice to how charismatic you can try to be when it happens.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Fighting in relationships is normal. The issue is not whether you fight. The issue is HOW a couple fights. Do they talk out their disagreements? Do they wait until they are alone together, or fight in front of others? Do they resort to name calling and screaming for even the most trivial things? Do they throw furniture at each other? Or, do they not fight at all, fearful of the potential consequences (real or imaginary) and let their anger simmer until it turns into blinding resentment, possibly erupting in a massive rage outburst. It is not even a question of finding ways not to fight. The focus is on helping people understand to pick and choose their fights in a relationship.
This Frank Rule of Relationships, to pick and choose your fights, is also a great Calibration tool. Knowing how to screen if a fight is worth the effort, or if a fight is a waste of your time, can help smooth things along for long-term relationship success.
It is important to judge who you are fighting with. Is the person you are about to engage with someone that is toxic (meaning the person lacks the capacity to reason or be reasonable)? Then your attempts to argue with such a person are futile.
For example, an addict that is in the throws of withdrawal and desperately demanding money from you to feed the addiction is not in a reasonable state of mind where your attempts of talking to him or her out of it, will most likely not be effective. Even therapists try to arrange their sessions with addicts to happen at a time when the addict would be most receptive to talking.
It is also important to be able to access your own ability to manage an unpleasant discussion that can easily turned heated. Know thy self, dear reader. If you can estimate that you would be unable to properly and maturely discuss a matter at a given moment, arrange with your partner to be able to talk about it at a later time, when you have had the chance to cool down and can be in a more rational and accepting frame of mind.
In picking and choosing your fights, it is not about going to either extreme of always fighting with people about everything, or never fighting with anyone regardless of what they do to you. It is about being able to decipher when it is worth the time and effort to express yourself, when it is necessary to communicate a consequence that you will enact based on your reaction to others, and when you shouldn't even bother trying at all.
If you zealously argue for every inconvenience you suffer, regardless of how important it is or isn't, you will likely lose credibility in the eyes of those you regularly communicate too. It can also very likely isolate you as few people want to be around the professional protestor, who usually do not understand that fighting about the political climate you are living in does not mandate the same reaction as your toast being under-toasted at the breakfast you ordered at the local greasy spoon.
When you do pick the fight that you think is worth it, and assuming you are dealing with a reasonable person, and assuming that you are in a good frame of mind, make the distinction between expressing your issue, and issuing a consequence to the issue.
When you express the issue that you are willing to fight about (it could be a boundary, a need of yours, or a manner in which you expect to be treated) it is important to simply state the issue.
For example, when a cashier is spending time on the phone instead of doing her job, expressing your issue when you pick this fight may sound something like: "Excuse me miss, when I come to the cash register, I would appreciate that you get off the phone with your friend, and do your job." Here you are not resorting to name-calling, screaming, or threats. You are directly, calmly and clearly stating your issue when picking this fight. If the cashier is actually a reasonable person, she will realize the importance of your expression, and will follow through to accommodate you. If the cashier is a reasonable person having an unreasonable moment (or maybe she is just toxic after all), she may try to justify her position or try to attack your position as in: "This will only be a minute, are you that much in a hurry?"
It is at THIS point, that you would go from expressing your issue to enforcing your issue by stating a consequence, which could sound something like this: "Miss, if you do not end that call and do your job right now, then I will have to take up this matter with your manager, who I am sure will not be as open to your pressing call."
The key is that you do not mention the consequence until after you have given the person a chance to wake up, for what could be just a bad day for them.
Conflict is never a pleasant situation. However, it is a part of life, and your ability to pick and choose your fights will help determine your ability to manage your long-term relationship success. You do not have a choice when it comes to what people may try to put you through, but you do have a choice to how charismatic you can try to be when it happens.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Asking The Hard Questions
By Frank Kermit
When trying to decide if you should be committed to someone, moving in with someone, getting engaged, and getting married, each new transition brings about the unpleasant task of asking the hard questions.
Romance is a wonderful thing; the passion, the anticipation, the fantasy, the hope, the sex, the titillating drama of starting something new can all encompass you like a drug, and takes you on an emotional journey of escapism. There is nothing quite like the roller coaster of dismal low points, and peak climaxes.
However, once that is out of the way, the real relationship begins, and so too the asking of the hard questions. This is especially true if you are getting married. Getting married is more than just planning a wedding day. You are choosing a person to build a future with which likely includes major financial investments (home/vehicle), sharing resources, supporting any particular lifestyle, and possibly children. Sounds unromantic? You bet it is. Asking the hard questions is about making sure that you know what you are getting yourself into and that if there is any reason you would not marry someone for, that you ask the hard question directly.
Each of us has our particular limits as to what we can be open minded about. Each of us draws that line differently. In my practice I have met individuals and couples that draw the line in a variety of places of what they would and would not accept. What one person simply deems completely unacceptable is nothing more than a minor footnote in the criteria of another person.
The key is to find a life partner that loves the good that you bring to the relationship, and can accept the bad that comes with the baggage as well. Once you have that, you have a good opportunity to build the kind of relationship foundation necessary to manage the storms of life that ransack long term relationship success. That is why it is important to ask the hard questions before going through with any promoting of your relationship to the next level.
Here are some examples of hard questions to ask someone that you are about to marry:
Have you ever been legally charged with something?
Have you ever been convicted, and or do you have a record?
What is your credit rating and what is your financial history?
What is your sexual history?
Have you had sex with anyone that is going to be invited to the wedding?
Did you have sex with someone that would make me not marry you (like a family member of mine)?
Is your family in support of your change in relationship status with me?
What is your history regarding metal health?
Have you ever contemplated or attempted suicide?
Have you ever done anything in your past that might come to haunt us (or our children)?
What dark secrets of your past could one of your ex-lovers and ex friends share about you?
Did you ever have a child that was given up for adoption that could try to locate you someday?
Is there anyone that may want to seek revenge on you and your family that I need to know about?
For some people, the "wrong" answers to any of those questions are enough to call off the wedding. For others, there is no wrong answer to any of those questions, and it is just a matter of knowing the full story. Just keep in mind that whatever questions you choose to ask your fiancé, is likely also going to be a questions your fiancé will ask you. It swings both ways.
I often get asked what if a person lies to you when you ask these questions. The truth is, just asking the hard questions will not guarantee that you will get the truth.
A liar is a liar is a liar. However, TIME always works against a perpetual liar as the repeating behavior pattern makes it near impossible to keep a web of lies intact, as more lies are spun to re-enforce the previous lies. The sign you are with a perpetual liar is that they lie about too many things, and start getting caught on little things, that eventually affect their credibility on the big things. I have found this comes up in my practice when one of the couple happens to be an addict, and the other partner finds out because of the number of inconsistencies that arise when the addicted partner tries to cover up the drug use.
If you are too afraid to ask certain questions, or feel the need to refuse to answer certain questions, a last resort that you may be able to use is the "Ultimate List Exercise".
This exercise involves each person in the couple to write out a list of Ultimate Personal Deal-breakers.
Also known as the "I would not marry you if..." list, a partner lists every conceivable realistic reason that he or she would not marry their partner. Then the partners switch lists. If you read something on your partner's list that applies to you, you have the opportunity to call off the wedding and break the engagement, without having to reveal which deal breaker you violated. In this manner, you both have the chance to do the right thing, while at the same time, maintain whatever privacy is necessary.
Now, if for whatever reason, you find yourself unable, or unwilling to ask the hard questions or make the lists because you are afraid of losing the relationship, that is a sign you may be in the wrong relationship to begin with. If you are afraid of the answers you might get from the partner you are asking, or you are afraid of the answer you would have to give your partner when he or she asks you the same question, that is a sign that it is not time to get more serious with that person.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
When trying to decide if you should be committed to someone, moving in with someone, getting engaged, and getting married, each new transition brings about the unpleasant task of asking the hard questions.
Romance is a wonderful thing; the passion, the anticipation, the fantasy, the hope, the sex, the titillating drama of starting something new can all encompass you like a drug, and takes you on an emotional journey of escapism. There is nothing quite like the roller coaster of dismal low points, and peak climaxes.
However, once that is out of the way, the real relationship begins, and so too the asking of the hard questions. This is especially true if you are getting married. Getting married is more than just planning a wedding day. You are choosing a person to build a future with which likely includes major financial investments (home/vehicle), sharing resources, supporting any particular lifestyle, and possibly children. Sounds unromantic? You bet it is. Asking the hard questions is about making sure that you know what you are getting yourself into and that if there is any reason you would not marry someone for, that you ask the hard question directly.
Each of us has our particular limits as to what we can be open minded about. Each of us draws that line differently. In my practice I have met individuals and couples that draw the line in a variety of places of what they would and would not accept. What one person simply deems completely unacceptable is nothing more than a minor footnote in the criteria of another person.
The key is to find a life partner that loves the good that you bring to the relationship, and can accept the bad that comes with the baggage as well. Once you have that, you have a good opportunity to build the kind of relationship foundation necessary to manage the storms of life that ransack long term relationship success. That is why it is important to ask the hard questions before going through with any promoting of your relationship to the next level.
Here are some examples of hard questions to ask someone that you are about to marry:
Have you ever been legally charged with something?
Have you ever been convicted, and or do you have a record?
What is your credit rating and what is your financial history?
What is your sexual history?
Have you had sex with anyone that is going to be invited to the wedding?
Did you have sex with someone that would make me not marry you (like a family member of mine)?
Is your family in support of your change in relationship status with me?
What is your history regarding metal health?
Have you ever contemplated or attempted suicide?
Have you ever done anything in your past that might come to haunt us (or our children)?
What dark secrets of your past could one of your ex-lovers and ex friends share about you?
Did you ever have a child that was given up for adoption that could try to locate you someday?
Is there anyone that may want to seek revenge on you and your family that I need to know about?
For some people, the "wrong" answers to any of those questions are enough to call off the wedding. For others, there is no wrong answer to any of those questions, and it is just a matter of knowing the full story. Just keep in mind that whatever questions you choose to ask your fiancé, is likely also going to be a questions your fiancé will ask you. It swings both ways.
I often get asked what if a person lies to you when you ask these questions. The truth is, just asking the hard questions will not guarantee that you will get the truth.
A liar is a liar is a liar. However, TIME always works against a perpetual liar as the repeating behavior pattern makes it near impossible to keep a web of lies intact, as more lies are spun to re-enforce the previous lies. The sign you are with a perpetual liar is that they lie about too many things, and start getting caught on little things, that eventually affect their credibility on the big things. I have found this comes up in my practice when one of the couple happens to be an addict, and the other partner finds out because of the number of inconsistencies that arise when the addicted partner tries to cover up the drug use.
If you are too afraid to ask certain questions, or feel the need to refuse to answer certain questions, a last resort that you may be able to use is the "Ultimate List Exercise".
This exercise involves each person in the couple to write out a list of Ultimate Personal Deal-breakers.
Also known as the "I would not marry you if..." list, a partner lists every conceivable realistic reason that he or she would not marry their partner. Then the partners switch lists. If you read something on your partner's list that applies to you, you have the opportunity to call off the wedding and break the engagement, without having to reveal which deal breaker you violated. In this manner, you both have the chance to do the right thing, while at the same time, maintain whatever privacy is necessary.
Now, if for whatever reason, you find yourself unable, or unwilling to ask the hard questions or make the lists because you are afraid of losing the relationship, that is a sign you may be in the wrong relationship to begin with. If you are afraid of the answers you might get from the partner you are asking, or you are afraid of the answer you would have to give your partner when he or she asks you the same question, that is a sign that it is not time to get more serious with that person.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
A Broken Engagement
is Better Than a Happy Divorce
By Frank Kermit
One of the ironies of couples counseling that I often find myself doing is taking the couple through the pre-marital coaching process when they may already be at the end of their relationship. I often ask them questions about their expectations about where they would have wanted their relationship to go, that are the same questions that couples who are ABOUT to get serious need to be asking.
Sadly, many couples get committed sooner than they should without having some much needed conversations. These include, the desire to have children together and taking into account any children that either person already has from previous relationships, the financial management of the new family, past mental health issues that could resurface, where you would live if you had to suddenly move from your current city, how you want your remains dealt with at the end of your life, and all the things you current do not like, but tolerate in your new partner that you HOPE will change.
These also include any past life issues that the new partner should be aware of such as any past trauma that could impact their future together, a criminal record, past bankruptcy, and anything incriminating that someone else may have on you that could become an issue (such as ex-lovers having potentially embarrassing and explicit photos and videos of you).
It does happen that when couples go for pre-martial coaching they end up coming to the conclusion that they should not be together after all and cancel the engagement (whether an official engagement, or an emotional one).
The purpose of pre-martial coaching is not to break couples up, but to build a solid foundation for the future relationship (parenting, marriage, common law, or de facto spouse). In the process of asking hard questions, it may come to their attention (and surprise) that the couple finds they simply have too many irreconcilable differences that would eventually end their union. This is a horribly sad time for the couple, as well as, anyone around them who share in their pain.
However, I am here to tell you that a broken engagement is far better than going through a happy and amicable divorce. Marriage (or any serious long term commitment) takes work. It is not always going to be easy. There will be times, even in the best of couples, that one or both of you may feel that being together was a mistake (shhh!! It is a secret that no one wants you to know!) It is normal to question your choice.
It is not about how much you love someone. It is more about how you get along. Contrary to what romantic entertainment would have you think: real couples, in real life relationships, have real hardships, and real doubts. It is those couples that can separate the passing doubts that can be worked through from the irreconcilable differences in values that bring about breaks up and divorce, who stand the best chance for long term relationship success.
If you are engaged to be married, but are having seriously strong doubts that you do not think are going to pass, hold off getting serious or call it off. When in serious doubt, stay out. If nothing else, pre-marital coaching will teach you that it will take everything you have to keep it together long term and in that, there is no doubt.
Frank Kermit
is Better Than a Happy Divorce
By Frank Kermit
One of the ironies of couples counseling that I often find myself doing is taking the couple through the pre-marital coaching process when they may already be at the end of their relationship. I often ask them questions about their expectations about where they would have wanted their relationship to go, that are the same questions that couples who are ABOUT to get serious need to be asking.
Sadly, many couples get committed sooner than they should without having some much needed conversations. These include, the desire to have children together and taking into account any children that either person already has from previous relationships, the financial management of the new family, past mental health issues that could resurface, where you would live if you had to suddenly move from your current city, how you want your remains dealt with at the end of your life, and all the things you current do not like, but tolerate in your new partner that you HOPE will change.
These also include any past life issues that the new partner should be aware of such as any past trauma that could impact their future together, a criminal record, past bankruptcy, and anything incriminating that someone else may have on you that could become an issue (such as ex-lovers having potentially embarrassing and explicit photos and videos of you).
It does happen that when couples go for pre-martial coaching they end up coming to the conclusion that they should not be together after all and cancel the engagement (whether an official engagement, or an emotional one).
The purpose of pre-martial coaching is not to break couples up, but to build a solid foundation for the future relationship (parenting, marriage, common law, or de facto spouse). In the process of asking hard questions, it may come to their attention (and surprise) that the couple finds they simply have too many irreconcilable differences that would eventually end their union. This is a horribly sad time for the couple, as well as, anyone around them who share in their pain.
However, I am here to tell you that a broken engagement is far better than going through a happy and amicable divorce. Marriage (or any serious long term commitment) takes work. It is not always going to be easy. There will be times, even in the best of couples, that one or both of you may feel that being together was a mistake (shhh!! It is a secret that no one wants you to know!) It is normal to question your choice.
It is not about how much you love someone. It is more about how you get along. Contrary to what romantic entertainment would have you think: real couples, in real life relationships, have real hardships, and real doubts. It is those couples that can separate the passing doubts that can be worked through from the irreconcilable differences in values that bring about breaks up and divorce, who stand the best chance for long term relationship success.
If you are engaged to be married, but are having seriously strong doubts that you do not think are going to pass, hold off getting serious or call it off. When in serious doubt, stay out. If nothing else, pre-marital coaching will teach you that it will take everything you have to keep it together long term and in that, there is no doubt.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
The Frank Law of Attraction
The Frank Law of Attraction
Originally published July 18, 2016, updated April 20, 2018
By Frank Kermit
The Frank Law of Attraction is based on one single premise:
What you do to get the person
must be the same thing as what
you do to keep the person.
Most attraction tactics focus on getting someone to like you, however they do not focus on keeping that person around.
That is the paradox of most pick up strategies as those routines focus on getting someone immediately turned on; but has no substance to keep any serious long term relationship alive.
Here are some of the talks that come up with men and women in my coaching sessions when perpetually single people come in and want to figure out why they cannot find someone that wants to commit to him or her long term, despite the fact they have less trouble finding short term volunteers.
If you do not want her to leave when the money runs out, then do not use money as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when your breasts start to sag, then do not use your breasts as your primary means of attracting him.
If you do not want her to leave when the adventure of traveling must be replaced by settling down to manage your responsibilities, then do not use adventures of traveling as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when the sex ends, then do not use sex as your primary means of attracting him.
If you do not want her to leave when your buff body suffers life altering health problems, then do not use your buff body as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when the lies get found out, then do not use lies as your primary means of attracting him.
If you do not want her to leave when she discovers you have no intention of being monogamous, then do not use the promise of monogamy as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when youthful beauty fades, then do not use your youthful beauty as your primary means of attracting him.
If you do not want her to leave when you can no longer afford lavish gifts, then do not use lavish gifts as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when you stop supporting his drug habit, then do not use enabling his habit as your primary means of attracting him.
If you do not want her to leave when you demand that she stop flirting with every man she knows, then do not use admiration of her flirtatious nature as your primary means of attracting her.
If you do not want him to leave when you admit that you do not want to have kids, then do not use the promise of a family as your primary means of attracting him.
Whatever you plan to use to keep the person with you long term, needs to be the very elements that you must use to attract the person.
These include your common values, your similar life plans and goals, and your personality and ability to connect.
Frank Kermit
emotional needs of a girl
Don't you hate how what you do to attract someone tends to be different than the skills to keep them?
NOT WITH THIS SYSTEM!
In Frank's Emotional Needs, what you do to attract someone is THE SAME THING you do to KEEP THEM!
Imagine, how easy it is to learn ONE SYSTEM that does it all!
emotional needs of a boy
- Published on
The Pregnancy Test Scam - But is it Real?
By Frank Kermit
There is a disturbing trend that seems to be happening that involves pregnant women supplementing their income by selling positive pregnancy tests online to women who want to use the pregnancy testing device with a positive marking to possibly con their boyfriends or male lovers into proposing marriage. At least that is what the ads claim could happen.
An ad on Craigslist claims that the expectant mother, "is selling used testing sticks for $25 each, saying she's been asked so many times, she had decided to start charging." In my own search I also found one on ebay with a listing description of: "Clear & simple brand positive pregnancy test. Done on day of postage. Good for a prank."
Is this what it has really come too? Unable to empower herself into a committed relationship, and despite having the full freedom of choice to move on and find a new partner when the one she is with refuses to step up and take their relationship to the next level, that there are women who would rather stay with a man that continually rejects her such that she has to attempt to scam him into getting serious?
I wonder at what point will the women, who are successful in getting a proposal with this ruse, turn around and realize they will have to keep the lie going? For example, to what lengths will she go to fake a miscarriage? Will she then try extra hard to get pregnant for real right after the proposal and fake being overdue the 40 week gestational period (assuming she gets pregnant at all)? Is this even something seriously considered by some women? If not, then what is the market that has such a high demand for these positive pregnancy tests (besides an entire audience that wants to prank their loved ones)?
Mind you, when I see the number of women in my practice who waste years of their lives, as time runs out on their biological clocks, waiting for their male lovers and boyfriends to "change his mind", I have to believe it is more likely than not. At least these women are not "accidentally" forgetting to take their birth control pills as a means to get what they want (a pregnancy their male partners did not consent too).
To the ladies that are actually buying the positive pregnancy tests as a means to trick your male sex partners into a proposal; if nothing else, consider this: When your boyfriend or male lover is not as interested in committing to you the way you would want him to commit, the best choice is to stop seeing him and find a man that wants to be with you. Trying to change the man you are with, or worse, having to scam him into that kind of commitment, will land you alone. If the truth of what you did coming out does not bring about your abandonment, then surely the repeating behavior pattern that this scam reflects will be your downfall.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
There is a disturbing trend that seems to be happening that involves pregnant women supplementing their income by selling positive pregnancy tests online to women who want to use the pregnancy testing device with a positive marking to possibly con their boyfriends or male lovers into proposing marriage. At least that is what the ads claim could happen.
An ad on Craigslist claims that the expectant mother, "is selling used testing sticks for $25 each, saying she's been asked so many times, she had decided to start charging." In my own search I also found one on ebay with a listing description of: "Clear & simple brand positive pregnancy test. Done on day of postage. Good for a prank."
Is this what it has really come too? Unable to empower herself into a committed relationship, and despite having the full freedom of choice to move on and find a new partner when the one she is with refuses to step up and take their relationship to the next level, that there are women who would rather stay with a man that continually rejects her such that she has to attempt to scam him into getting serious?
I wonder at what point will the women, who are successful in getting a proposal with this ruse, turn around and realize they will have to keep the lie going? For example, to what lengths will she go to fake a miscarriage? Will she then try extra hard to get pregnant for real right after the proposal and fake being overdue the 40 week gestational period (assuming she gets pregnant at all)? Is this even something seriously considered by some women? If not, then what is the market that has such a high demand for these positive pregnancy tests (besides an entire audience that wants to prank their loved ones)?
Mind you, when I see the number of women in my practice who waste years of their lives, as time runs out on their biological clocks, waiting for their male lovers and boyfriends to "change his mind", I have to believe it is more likely than not. At least these women are not "accidentally" forgetting to take their birth control pills as a means to get what they want (a pregnancy their male partners did not consent too).
To the ladies that are actually buying the positive pregnancy tests as a means to trick your male sex partners into a proposal; if nothing else, consider this: When your boyfriend or male lover is not as interested in committing to you the way you would want him to commit, the best choice is to stop seeing him and find a man that wants to be with you. Trying to change the man you are with, or worse, having to scam him into that kind of commitment, will land you alone. If the truth of what you did coming out does not bring about your abandonment, then surely the repeating behavior pattern that this scam reflects will be your downfall.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Tattoos and Relationships:
Beware The L-I-N-K of Love and INK
By Frank Kermit
While at a coffee shop a few weeks ago, I met a tattoo artist. He had his son's name tattooed on his hand, and being the ever-inquisitive one, I asked him about his profession and the topic of getting the name of someone tattooed on your body. He told me that historically, sailors who traveled from port to port had a history of tattooing the name of the girl they spent most of their time with. At each new port, the name of the previous girl was crossed out, and underneath it was the name of the new girl he met that became the love of his life. The sailors would only spend a limited amount of time at each port, and then head back out to sea. This was also a period of time when vagabond sailors did not have any guarantee that they would be returning to another port, and die at sea; so in essence, they had to make the most of the romance they had today, for tomorrow they may all die. With that in mind, those sailors had very little to lose to the L-I-N-K (love and ink).
People in modern times are a different story. The artist told me that he believes that tattooing the name of children on a parent is likely the more acceptable (if not the most acceptable) form of name tattooing because you will always be a parent, and a parent is suppose to always love their children. However he cautioned against tattooing the name of a partner (whether it be someone you are simply dating, or a spouse). In his business, he simply has seen too many good intentioned lovers end up regretting getting their partner's name tattooed on their bodies, and have to end up deciding if they wanted the tattoo removed, or covered up with another tattoo (such as a simple black bar or a more elaborate design). Body modification (piercing, plastic surgery, tattoos and such) does not carry with them the stigmas they used too. Younger people are more accepting of their peers who apply them, celebrities who earn their spotlight though their ability to continue to garner attention indirectly endorse it by having it done, older people who have mostly lived quiet, law-abiding lives sometimes want to experience the rebellious rejuvenation by having something done in the golden years of their lives. But regardless of all of that, getting the name of your partner tattooed, is still something that some tattoo artists simply refuse to do because of the high risk of regret that may follow such actions.
What is very strongly recommended is that a symbol be used, instead of a direct name. The symbol could be something that represents how the couple got together, or perhaps a common interest that the couple happens to share. For example, a character from the couple's favorite movie, or perhaps an image of a favorite flower if the couple had flowers play a role in their first date, or perhaps they have the same zodiac sign and that is the symbol they can use. It stands to reason that even if the couple breaks up after the tattoo is completed, that those tattoo images can still have meanings that do not just reflect the past relationship, but a still relevant element of the person that has been marked.
I have never had the experience of having a lover want to get my name tattooed on her body. In my younger years, during a very passionately intense time in my life when I lived a much more adventurous lifestyle, the closest I ever got to having a lover have my name tattooed on her body was when I would scribble my initials on my lovers skin using a felt tipped marker. Now before, anyone gets upset, everyone involved was a consenting adult, the marker ink washed off, and it was always areas of skin that were covered in clothing. Some of the women I did this with actually got a thrill, as if I had been some cave man brut who was marking his territory. In fact, one lover made it a point to go shower at the gym to "show off" to the other girls that she had been "marked by her man". There were others who agreed to it for fun, thou I caught them rolling their eyes at how giddy I had become in doing it (well, so much for my masterful masculine image huh?).
But that is exactly the point...it was not permanent, so it could be fun. I may never have a Frank fan that would L-I-N-K to me. This is probably a good thing, as I may just be a passing fad or phase to them. But Oh, so help me, I can not help but feel a little ego boost at the thought that someone would be enthused with me that much to consider doing it...maybe that is why, despite the obvious risks of tattooing a partner's name on your body, this practice is continues to be done by a handful of lovers and artists. It is not just about how the marked person feels about the named person being inscribed. It can also be about how it makes the named person feel. If you are going to tattoo the name of your lover, or want your lovers to tattoo your name on them, be sure you all know the risks. If you have any doubts regarding facing those risks at a later time, then do not do it.
Frank Kermit
Beware The L-I-N-K of Love and INK
By Frank Kermit
While at a coffee shop a few weeks ago, I met a tattoo artist. He had his son's name tattooed on his hand, and being the ever-inquisitive one, I asked him about his profession and the topic of getting the name of someone tattooed on your body. He told me that historically, sailors who traveled from port to port had a history of tattooing the name of the girl they spent most of their time with. At each new port, the name of the previous girl was crossed out, and underneath it was the name of the new girl he met that became the love of his life. The sailors would only spend a limited amount of time at each port, and then head back out to sea. This was also a period of time when vagabond sailors did not have any guarantee that they would be returning to another port, and die at sea; so in essence, they had to make the most of the romance they had today, for tomorrow they may all die. With that in mind, those sailors had very little to lose to the L-I-N-K (love and ink).
People in modern times are a different story. The artist told me that he believes that tattooing the name of children on a parent is likely the more acceptable (if not the most acceptable) form of name tattooing because you will always be a parent, and a parent is suppose to always love their children. However he cautioned against tattooing the name of a partner (whether it be someone you are simply dating, or a spouse). In his business, he simply has seen too many good intentioned lovers end up regretting getting their partner's name tattooed on their bodies, and have to end up deciding if they wanted the tattoo removed, or covered up with another tattoo (such as a simple black bar or a more elaborate design). Body modification (piercing, plastic surgery, tattoos and such) does not carry with them the stigmas they used too. Younger people are more accepting of their peers who apply them, celebrities who earn their spotlight though their ability to continue to garner attention indirectly endorse it by having it done, older people who have mostly lived quiet, law-abiding lives sometimes want to experience the rebellious rejuvenation by having something done in the golden years of their lives. But regardless of all of that, getting the name of your partner tattooed, is still something that some tattoo artists simply refuse to do because of the high risk of regret that may follow such actions.
What is very strongly recommended is that a symbol be used, instead of a direct name. The symbol could be something that represents how the couple got together, or perhaps a common interest that the couple happens to share. For example, a character from the couple's favorite movie, or perhaps an image of a favorite flower if the couple had flowers play a role in their first date, or perhaps they have the same zodiac sign and that is the symbol they can use. It stands to reason that even if the couple breaks up after the tattoo is completed, that those tattoo images can still have meanings that do not just reflect the past relationship, but a still relevant element of the person that has been marked.
I have never had the experience of having a lover want to get my name tattooed on her body. In my younger years, during a very passionately intense time in my life when I lived a much more adventurous lifestyle, the closest I ever got to having a lover have my name tattooed on her body was when I would scribble my initials on my lovers skin using a felt tipped marker. Now before, anyone gets upset, everyone involved was a consenting adult, the marker ink washed off, and it was always areas of skin that were covered in clothing. Some of the women I did this with actually got a thrill, as if I had been some cave man brut who was marking his territory. In fact, one lover made it a point to go shower at the gym to "show off" to the other girls that she had been "marked by her man". There were others who agreed to it for fun, thou I caught them rolling their eyes at how giddy I had become in doing it (well, so much for my masterful masculine image huh?).
But that is exactly the point...it was not permanent, so it could be fun. I may never have a Frank fan that would L-I-N-K to me. This is probably a good thing, as I may just be a passing fad or phase to them. But Oh, so help me, I can not help but feel a little ego boost at the thought that someone would be enthused with me that much to consider doing it...maybe that is why, despite the obvious risks of tattooing a partner's name on your body, this practice is continues to be done by a handful of lovers and artists. It is not just about how the marked person feels about the named person being inscribed. It can also be about how it makes the named person feel. If you are going to tattoo the name of your lover, or want your lovers to tattoo your name on them, be sure you all know the risks. If you have any doubts regarding facing those risks at a later time, then do not do it.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Entertainment is NOT Dating Education
By Frank Kermit
The entertainment industry is not concerned with educating audiences about relationships. The entertainment industry is only interested in one thing: entertaining you in a way that turns a profit. Although there is nothing wrong with entertainment such as movies, television, and so on and it is perfectly OK (and absolutely necessary) for businesses to turn a profit, the issue that I see in my practice, stems from the fact that human beings sometimes will mistake what has been produced for entertainment purposes only, as an example to be followed in their love lives.
Women wait to be rescued by a handsome rich stranger instead of building their own wealth and making efforts to seek out their own partners. Men assume that allowing women to mother them as just friends will eventually turn that friend into a lover. The stories that entertain us may also mislead us.
To be clear, the entertainment industry is not to blame, nor should it be censored or altered to be more educational. That is not its mandate. The issue is not the entertainment industry per se. It has to do with the fact that human beings are a species of influence-able creatures.
Environments influence human beings, including what we see, what we hear and what we experience; that environment includes what entertainment we are exposed too. If you removed every aspect of our entertainment lives, we would still be just as influenced by the people and events around us. Each time you witness one person helping another fix a flat tire, it shall influence you to likely help out the next person you see with a flat tire.
The key is not modifying our entertainment, but bringing in better education. As long as people are educated about how to think critically and rationally about anything in their environment that can and will influence them, then people can make sure to only take actions that are in their best long-term interests.
Whether people need an education to learn how to interpret TV shows, commercials, movies, theatre or have to learn to interpret their own families unhealthy repeating behavior patterns, it is important to understand that what you have always been exposed too, is not an automatic example of what is normal behavior to enact or take part in.
I wish I could say that people should look to their own families for examples of what love and relationships are instead of looking at our entertainment media.
Unfortunately, with the high divorce rates in place, it seems that the very people that needed to exemplify those patterns of love and relationships are failing miserably. A society of absolute choice when it comes to dating, but no actual skills to be able to manage that abundance of choice, is resulting in a chain of broken relations.
It always comes down to everyone having different emotional needs (whether healthy needs or not) and seeking to have those emotional needs addressed. However, a personal education in relationships is something people have to choose to take action on.
Until then at least remember that what entertains you does not equal what must educate you when it comes to finding love.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
The entertainment industry is not concerned with educating audiences about relationships. The entertainment industry is only interested in one thing: entertaining you in a way that turns a profit. Although there is nothing wrong with entertainment such as movies, television, and so on and it is perfectly OK (and absolutely necessary) for businesses to turn a profit, the issue that I see in my practice, stems from the fact that human beings sometimes will mistake what has been produced for entertainment purposes only, as an example to be followed in their love lives.
Women wait to be rescued by a handsome rich stranger instead of building their own wealth and making efforts to seek out their own partners. Men assume that allowing women to mother them as just friends will eventually turn that friend into a lover. The stories that entertain us may also mislead us.
To be clear, the entertainment industry is not to blame, nor should it be censored or altered to be more educational. That is not its mandate. The issue is not the entertainment industry per se. It has to do with the fact that human beings are a species of influence-able creatures.
Environments influence human beings, including what we see, what we hear and what we experience; that environment includes what entertainment we are exposed too. If you removed every aspect of our entertainment lives, we would still be just as influenced by the people and events around us. Each time you witness one person helping another fix a flat tire, it shall influence you to likely help out the next person you see with a flat tire.
The key is not modifying our entertainment, but bringing in better education. As long as people are educated about how to think critically and rationally about anything in their environment that can and will influence them, then people can make sure to only take actions that are in their best long-term interests.
Whether people need an education to learn how to interpret TV shows, commercials, movies, theatre or have to learn to interpret their own families unhealthy repeating behavior patterns, it is important to understand that what you have always been exposed too, is not an automatic example of what is normal behavior to enact or take part in.
I wish I could say that people should look to their own families for examples of what love and relationships are instead of looking at our entertainment media.
Unfortunately, with the high divorce rates in place, it seems that the very people that needed to exemplify those patterns of love and relationships are failing miserably. A society of absolute choice when it comes to dating, but no actual skills to be able to manage that abundance of choice, is resulting in a chain of broken relations.
It always comes down to everyone having different emotional needs (whether healthy needs or not) and seeking to have those emotional needs addressed. However, a personal education in relationships is something people have to choose to take action on.
Until then at least remember that what entertains you does not equal what must educate you when it comes to finding love.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Is there such a thing as Happily Single?
By Frank Kermit
Is being single really that bad? After all, when a person considers the amount of pain that a relationship or casual dating can cause, it may seem that just skipping the whole dating-thing altogether might make for a more peaceful life.
Could it be that intimate relations are simply not for everyone, and maybe you happen to be one of those people? How do you know if being alone is the right choice for you and is it even possible to be content, or even fulfilled in a life without romantic love? As always, that answer is completely up to you.
The people who struggle with this question the most are those people that never actually had an overly positive, intimate relationship with someone before. If that is coupled with an environment that was emotionally sterile while that person was growing up, it makes trying to find the motivation for seeking out a relationship almost obsolete.
Without having experienced what a health loving relationship can be, or not having experienced the positive attributes of being with someone that cares for you, it is challenging for someone to see the value is pursuing a goal they have no concept of.
Then the consideration comes in that some people are simply too damaged to be in a relationship. There are cases where someone may be struggling with a personal demon like an addiction, or still coping with a history of abuse. Those demons may limit their capacity for intimate relationships of any kind. In these cases, people tend to be encouraged to work on themselves before entering into romantic relationships so that the challenges inherent with romantic relationships do not distract the people from the healing process, nor allow the romantic relationships to exasperate a persons energy causing them not to have the personal resources to slay the demon.
This is most commonly understood when someone enters a drug and alcohol treatment center where patients are forbidden to have relations with each other and contact with loved ones must be limited.
I have often found that barring any major issues, that a few people are simply not ready to make the commitment to the amount of work that is necessary to change an area of their life they are not happy with.
Dismissed as laziness by some, the lack of willingness to put in the work required to change behavior patterns is nothing to scoff at. Changing anything in your life forces you out of your comfort zone. It takes work. The motivation to make such changes may very well require that someone hit an absolute rock bottom before having enough gumption to finally make that change. The same principle applies to changing the status of a persons love life.
It is unfortunate that people require that kind of rock bottom to reach a point where the pain of staying where they are is finally greater than the pain of making a change.
When I am asked if it is better to be in a relationship that is bad, or being alone, I often quote one of my inspirations. To paraphrase: Are you better off with that person, or better off without that person? There is no set answer.
It completely depends on the context of your situation. There are a number of other factors to consider in the answer to this question. Are you very miserable, or just so-so bored with your partner? Is your partner a good parent to your kids, or are your kids in danger around your partner? Are you fighting day in and day out with your partner, or have you and your partner settled into a quiet existence that you find a little bland? Is your partner someone you can rely on, or is your partner a dead beat? If you were alone, would you be able to manage not having the positive elements that you do get from the relationships you experience? Are you just a negative person and will continue to find fault with your life even if your leave your partner?
Ending a relationship is NOT always the answer when things are rough in life, because life is also going to be rough on you when you are single. There are always consequences to either lifestyle to choose, the question remains which consequences are you more adept to handle accepting?
Some people are just comfortable being alone, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you are happier being alone, then take pride in that. If you complain about being alone, then do something about it. If you complain about being in a relationship, again do something about it.
Communicate with your partner and find out what is possible to change the areas you are not happy with, to see if you can work to build the relationship together that you will find fulfillment in.
If you are trying to figure out if you want to give up on love or not, one of the ways to decide this for yourself is to sit down and work through the differences between your feelings towards single life and your desires for the kind of lifestyle you want for yourself. Start with your ideal lifestyle and work your way backwards to your current present date.
Once you have that ideal (and REALISTIC) lifestyle mapped out, see if you are the type of person that can actually attain it, and if you would be able to attract the kind of partner that you yourself would need to be.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Is being single really that bad? After all, when a person considers the amount of pain that a relationship or casual dating can cause, it may seem that just skipping the whole dating-thing altogether might make for a more peaceful life.
Could it be that intimate relations are simply not for everyone, and maybe you happen to be one of those people? How do you know if being alone is the right choice for you and is it even possible to be content, or even fulfilled in a life without romantic love? As always, that answer is completely up to you.
The people who struggle with this question the most are those people that never actually had an overly positive, intimate relationship with someone before. If that is coupled with an environment that was emotionally sterile while that person was growing up, it makes trying to find the motivation for seeking out a relationship almost obsolete.
Without having experienced what a health loving relationship can be, or not having experienced the positive attributes of being with someone that cares for you, it is challenging for someone to see the value is pursuing a goal they have no concept of.
Then the consideration comes in that some people are simply too damaged to be in a relationship. There are cases where someone may be struggling with a personal demon like an addiction, or still coping with a history of abuse. Those demons may limit their capacity for intimate relationships of any kind. In these cases, people tend to be encouraged to work on themselves before entering into romantic relationships so that the challenges inherent with romantic relationships do not distract the people from the healing process, nor allow the romantic relationships to exasperate a persons energy causing them not to have the personal resources to slay the demon.
This is most commonly understood when someone enters a drug and alcohol treatment center where patients are forbidden to have relations with each other and contact with loved ones must be limited.
I have often found that barring any major issues, that a few people are simply not ready to make the commitment to the amount of work that is necessary to change an area of their life they are not happy with.
Dismissed as laziness by some, the lack of willingness to put in the work required to change behavior patterns is nothing to scoff at. Changing anything in your life forces you out of your comfort zone. It takes work. The motivation to make such changes may very well require that someone hit an absolute rock bottom before having enough gumption to finally make that change. The same principle applies to changing the status of a persons love life.
It is unfortunate that people require that kind of rock bottom to reach a point where the pain of staying where they are is finally greater than the pain of making a change.
When I am asked if it is better to be in a relationship that is bad, or being alone, I often quote one of my inspirations. To paraphrase: Are you better off with that person, or better off without that person? There is no set answer.
It completely depends on the context of your situation. There are a number of other factors to consider in the answer to this question. Are you very miserable, or just so-so bored with your partner? Is your partner a good parent to your kids, or are your kids in danger around your partner? Are you fighting day in and day out with your partner, or have you and your partner settled into a quiet existence that you find a little bland? Is your partner someone you can rely on, or is your partner a dead beat? If you were alone, would you be able to manage not having the positive elements that you do get from the relationships you experience? Are you just a negative person and will continue to find fault with your life even if your leave your partner?
Ending a relationship is NOT always the answer when things are rough in life, because life is also going to be rough on you when you are single. There are always consequences to either lifestyle to choose, the question remains which consequences are you more adept to handle accepting?
Some people are just comfortable being alone, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you are happier being alone, then take pride in that. If you complain about being alone, then do something about it. If you complain about being in a relationship, again do something about it.
Communicate with your partner and find out what is possible to change the areas you are not happy with, to see if you can work to build the relationship together that you will find fulfillment in.
If you are trying to figure out if you want to give up on love or not, one of the ways to decide this for yourself is to sit down and work through the differences between your feelings towards single life and your desires for the kind of lifestyle you want for yourself. Start with your ideal lifestyle and work your way backwards to your current present date.
Once you have that ideal (and REALISTIC) lifestyle mapped out, see if you are the type of person that can actually attain it, and if you would be able to attract the kind of partner that you yourself would need to be.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
When Partners Change During Relationships
By Frank Kermit
When partners change and grow as individuals, it is important for them as individuals to keep in mind that each of their respective growth also needs to be balanced with growing their relationship as well. People change for their own reasons. Very rarely do people change exclusively for their partners. This is a very important key point in choosing a life partner. You do not choose a life partner, based on your belief about how you can change your partner in the future. You choose a life partner for who your partner is today. Think of it as an as-is purchase. If you are sold on the idea of what you plan on turning your partner into, instead of accepting your partner as is, right now in the present moment, flaws and all, then the likelihood of your relationship ending badly have significantly increased.
A relationship is not a fixer-upper. Unlike a material item that you have full control to restore to its original greatness, or make adjustments to bring it up to date, a relationship is with another human being who you do not control like a material possession. A person can only change within the capacity of they have to change, and no amount of nagging, badgering, insults nor threats of abandonment will ever motivate a person to change more than they can.
This is not to say that people do not change. They do. Over the course of a lifespan, people will change. They will go through stages, have new experiences, learn more about themselves, learn more about life, and as their emotional needs change and evolve, so too will their boundaries and where they are willing to compromise. What is currently very important at the beginning of a relationship may no longer be a concern 20 or 30 years into it. By the same token, what was not important at all 20-30 years ago may be exceptionally important today. Even if a couple's core values stay the same over the years, it is still possible that the way each individual in the couple needs to express those values start to conflict. For example, each individual in a couple may hold family values in high regard. However, one partner of the couple accepts a child's lifestyle they do not agree with in the name of upholding and respecting a family value, whereas the other partner would disown the child, claiming it is for the same reason; to uphold and respect a family value, by not being open to a lifestyle they originally disagreed with. Sad, isn't it?
One of the reasons that younger people are encouraged not to get too emotionally committed in relationships is preciously because they are usually in a major flux of personal development and chasing career goals, such that they are changing rapidly over a short period of time, and thus they could be very different people from the day the relationship begins to the day when those changes may cause the relationship to end.
Personal growth can be a wonderful thing, and very necessary for those in the pursuit of happiness and for higher levels of awareness to better understand the world around them. When on such a journey, be mindful that your relationship is not always the curse that is holding you back as some fickle gurus and mentors may claim. Your relationship could always continue to be a source of stability and strength if you let it. Explore ways for you both to change and grow as a couple, because that is part of what the mandate of being in a relationship is. That is what people (sometimes unknowingly) sign up for when they enter a relationship.
People do change over the course of a relationship, however it is rarely in the way the original partners intended, and if they work at it, they can grow together and make their relationship stronger over time.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
When partners change and grow as individuals, it is important for them as individuals to keep in mind that each of their respective growth also needs to be balanced with growing their relationship as well. People change for their own reasons. Very rarely do people change exclusively for their partners. This is a very important key point in choosing a life partner. You do not choose a life partner, based on your belief about how you can change your partner in the future. You choose a life partner for who your partner is today. Think of it as an as-is purchase. If you are sold on the idea of what you plan on turning your partner into, instead of accepting your partner as is, right now in the present moment, flaws and all, then the likelihood of your relationship ending badly have significantly increased.
A relationship is not a fixer-upper. Unlike a material item that you have full control to restore to its original greatness, or make adjustments to bring it up to date, a relationship is with another human being who you do not control like a material possession. A person can only change within the capacity of they have to change, and no amount of nagging, badgering, insults nor threats of abandonment will ever motivate a person to change more than they can.
This is not to say that people do not change. They do. Over the course of a lifespan, people will change. They will go through stages, have new experiences, learn more about themselves, learn more about life, and as their emotional needs change and evolve, so too will their boundaries and where they are willing to compromise. What is currently very important at the beginning of a relationship may no longer be a concern 20 or 30 years into it. By the same token, what was not important at all 20-30 years ago may be exceptionally important today. Even if a couple's core values stay the same over the years, it is still possible that the way each individual in the couple needs to express those values start to conflict. For example, each individual in a couple may hold family values in high regard. However, one partner of the couple accepts a child's lifestyle they do not agree with in the name of upholding and respecting a family value, whereas the other partner would disown the child, claiming it is for the same reason; to uphold and respect a family value, by not being open to a lifestyle they originally disagreed with. Sad, isn't it?
One of the reasons that younger people are encouraged not to get too emotionally committed in relationships is preciously because they are usually in a major flux of personal development and chasing career goals, such that they are changing rapidly over a short period of time, and thus they could be very different people from the day the relationship begins to the day when those changes may cause the relationship to end.
Personal growth can be a wonderful thing, and very necessary for those in the pursuit of happiness and for higher levels of awareness to better understand the world around them. When on such a journey, be mindful that your relationship is not always the curse that is holding you back as some fickle gurus and mentors may claim. Your relationship could always continue to be a source of stability and strength if you let it. Explore ways for you both to change and grow as a couple, because that is part of what the mandate of being in a relationship is. That is what people (sometimes unknowingly) sign up for when they enter a relationship.
People do change over the course of a relationship, however it is rarely in the way the original partners intended, and if they work at it, they can grow together and make their relationship stronger over time.
Frank Kermit
