- Published on
Hidden Trauma of Niceness
Learn about the hidden trauma behind nice guy behaviors in this contributed post
The Hidden Trauma of Niceness
by JR from Austin
As a recovering nice guy spending plenty of time in therapy, research and self-reflection I have noticed that one of the serious causes of my nice guy behavior is complex emotional trauma.
Growing up in my highly controlled home I learned how to be nice through punishment for doing the wrong thing.
Instead of being properly corrected I was punished physically or through shame (i.e.: the doghouse).
Since the home was controlled through a narcissistic matriarchy I was punished when I would stand up for myself or saying anything that challenged my mother's viewpoints.
Niceness was reinforced through coercion.
Because of that I developed CPTSD and have constant flashbacks.
Flashbacks are emotional responses that are triggered by sensitive events that would send a person emotionally back to the time they were being abused.
With proper treatment and acknowledgment of these issues a person can minimize or even completely remove the emotional charge of these flashbacks.
Now where this all ties in with Complex Trauma is that the man has been conditioned from his formative years to associate assertive behaviors with rejection and abuse.
He will cling to his nice guy behavior like a glove since consciously he will think it is the right thing to do.
(A lot of the time nice behavior is the right thing to do)
On a deeper subconscious emotional level though he will cling to it since he has been programmed to believe assertive behavior will lead to abuse and rejection.
When abuse and rejection happen it will often cause him to flashback to when he was a child and was getting abused.
Because the flashbacks are so horrible he will cling to the nice guy behavior to avoid them at all costs.
This will cause the nice guy to cling to cowardly behaviors in situations when assertiveness is absolutely necessary.
Behaving in an attractive manner with women is something that comes to mind here.
Now is this condition hopeless?
Absolutely not.
The more a person has been traumatized the more time and effort they will need to work through the damage.
First and foremost the traumatized person would need to go see a qualified therapist who understands complex trauma as it relates to the person's individual need.
A female therapist who specializes in helping women who have been abused by past lovers would probably not understand the needs of a man who has been emasculated etc.
Second the person would need to be driven to work on the problem on his own as well. He can learn new skills and understand how the bullying tactics were used against him.
Learning that will help him find a new sense of empowerment.
Third, the situation tends to be highly ingrained into the psyche so the person would have to be patient with the process. It can take years for someone with CPTSD to heal.
With this hard work and patience the traumatized nice guy can build a far better life and start winning instead of just breaking even.
By no means is this article comprehensive. It is worth checking out Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. That book gives a very thorough look into CPTSD.
by JR from Austin
As a recovering nice guy spending plenty of time in therapy, research and self-reflection I have noticed that one of the serious causes of my nice guy behavior is complex emotional trauma.
Growing up in my highly controlled home I learned how to be nice through punishment for doing the wrong thing.
Instead of being properly corrected I was punished physically or through shame (i.e.: the doghouse).
Since the home was controlled through a narcissistic matriarchy I was punished when I would stand up for myself or saying anything that challenged my mother's viewpoints.
Niceness was reinforced through coercion.
Because of that I developed CPTSD and have constant flashbacks.
Flashbacks are emotional responses that are triggered by sensitive events that would send a person emotionally back to the time they were being abused.
With proper treatment and acknowledgment of these issues a person can minimize or even completely remove the emotional charge of these flashbacks.
Now where this all ties in with Complex Trauma is that the man has been conditioned from his formative years to associate assertive behaviors with rejection and abuse.
He will cling to his nice guy behavior like a glove since consciously he will think it is the right thing to do.
(A lot of the time nice behavior is the right thing to do)
On a deeper subconscious emotional level though he will cling to it since he has been programmed to believe assertive behavior will lead to abuse and rejection.
When abuse and rejection happen it will often cause him to flashback to when he was a child and was getting abused.
Because the flashbacks are so horrible he will cling to the nice guy behavior to avoid them at all costs.
This will cause the nice guy to cling to cowardly behaviors in situations when assertiveness is absolutely necessary.
Behaving in an attractive manner with women is something that comes to mind here.
Now is this condition hopeless?
Absolutely not.
The more a person has been traumatized the more time and effort they will need to work through the damage.
First and foremost the traumatized person would need to go see a qualified therapist who understands complex trauma as it relates to the person's individual need.
A female therapist who specializes in helping women who have been abused by past lovers would probably not understand the needs of a man who has been emasculated etc.
Second the person would need to be driven to work on the problem on his own as well. He can learn new skills and understand how the bullying tactics were used against him.
Learning that will help him find a new sense of empowerment.
Third, the situation tends to be highly ingrained into the psyche so the person would have to be patient with the process. It can take years for someone with CPTSD to heal.
With this hard work and patience the traumatized nice guy can build a far better life and start winning instead of just breaking even.
By no means is this article comprehensive. It is worth checking out Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. That book gives a very thorough look into CPTSD.
YOU HAVE A CHOICE
If you are a Single Nice Guy and you want
some coaching to learn how to be Assertive for Dating,
Sign up for Single No More Coaching Right Now!
COACHING FOR NICE GUYS
- Published on
Your Sexuality Is Your Birthright - Galen Fous
Towards Kink Positive Therapy
by Galen Robert Fous
Yesterday I was banned without notice from the Depth Psychology Alliance, a moderated Facebook group for Jungian oriented therapists.
I had posted a link to an interview I had done recently titled,
“The Personal Erotic Myth and the Rise of Fetishsexuality.”
I included this quote with the link from my Psychology Today interview by Michael Aaron based on my presentation to the AltSex NYC Conference
"When engaged consciously and allowed to express and embody with a consenting partner, these fierce explorations of our taboo, wild instinctual edges can offer a profound sense of empowerment and acceptance, as well as a full-body, soulful, exquisitely spent bliss from either side of the power exchange."
The group’s moderator accepted the post.
Several positive comments were made.
The third was an agitated comment from a therapist who stated that Kink is only a pathological expression of “someone incapable of love and intimacy,” and made a reference to how harmful it was to women and relationships when men want that kind of sex.
Several positive comments were made.
The third was an agitated comment from a therapist who stated that Kink is only a pathological expression of “someone incapable of love and intimacy,” and made a reference to how harmful it was to women and relationships when men want that kind of sex.
I replied that her view was outdated and an insult to the millions of men AND women engaging in consensual Kink.
I said I felt her views were similar to and as inaccurate as those held by therapists in the 1950’s about homosexuality.
She was rather livid that I would dare compare the “courageous struggle of gays and lesbians” to pathologically disturbed people engaging in Kink.
I said I felt her views were similar to and as inaccurate as those held by therapists in the 1950’s about homosexuality.
She was rather livid that I would dare compare the “courageous struggle of gays and lesbians” to pathologically disturbed people engaging in Kink.
Several more people joined the thread,
all favorable to my POV (point of view),
and some challenging the other therapist over how judgmental she was being.
I was getting excited at what I thought would be a very informative discussion about Kink within a professional psychological model I was very much at home in.
I was about to reply to someone’s comment,
and got notice the post had been removed.
I intended to contact the moderator to ask why and discovered that I no longer had access to the group.
I had been banned from the group without explanation nor notification.
all favorable to my POV (point of view),
and some challenging the other therapist over how judgmental she was being.
I was getting excited at what I thought would be a very informative discussion about Kink within a professional psychological model I was very much at home in.
I was about to reply to someone’s comment,
and got notice the post had been removed.
I intended to contact the moderator to ask why and discovered that I no longer had access to the group.
I had been banned from the group without explanation nor notification.
In response, I started a new thread on my Facebook page titled
“Kinkaphobia -
Are you a sex-therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist suffering from Kink-phobia?
Help is available.
Get treatment now before you harm any more patients that you have shamed, judged or diagnosed as suffering from a psychological disorder or addiction based on your moralistic, outdated, unsubstantiated, harmful beliefs about Kink oriented clients.
Shaming is not therapy.”
One of the replies to this thread was from someone in the DPA group who disclosed that right after my post was taken down, a new rule about posting was created.
"Any content determined to be inappropriate, in poor taste, or otherwise contrary to the purposes of the forum will be deleted and the poster risks being removed from the group.”
She (the person who informed me of the groups actions) commented further,
“The article you posted was totally relevant to Depth Psychology. If an equivalent article regarding working with gay clients were posted and a commentator said "Homosexuality is only a pathological expression of someone incapable of love and intimacy" - we would never accept that as a reason to delete a post. I am pretty (upset) about this.”
I am too.
And I hope this begins a wake-up call within the various academic, clinical and alternative therapeutic communities to become educated about Kink oriented sexuality
and stop shaming and pathologizing client’s seeking to come to terms with their sexual truth.
-Galen Robert Fous
And I hope this begins a wake-up call within the various academic, clinical and alternative therapeutic communities to become educated about Kink oriented sexuality
and stop shaming and pathologizing client’s seeking to come to terms with their sexual truth.
-Galen Robert Fous
*Disclaimer: the views of the author do not necessarily represent the views of Franktalks.com. It is important to present different views/mindsets, and that includes material that may be deemed controversial in nature.
About The Author
Galen Robert Fous MTP, is a Fetish Sex Expert, Psychotherapist and Sex Researcher. He studied Fetish Sexuality and Authentic Sexual Expression at Institute of Trans-personal Psychology and studied Psychology at Portland State University.
He is the author of the book:
Decoding Your Kink:
Guide to Explore Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires
He can be reached at http://www.galenfous.com/
Galen Robert Fous MTP, is a Fetish Sex Expert, Psychotherapist and Sex Researcher. He studied Fetish Sexuality and Authentic Sexual Expression at Institute of Trans-personal Psychology and studied Psychology at Portland State University.
He is the author of the book:
Decoding Your Kink:
Guide to Explore Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires
He can be reached at http://www.galenfous.com/
- Published on
23 Reasons Why: Suicide: The Signs, What To Do, and Where To Go For Help
Suicide: What are the signs, what to do, and where to go?
By Jenn and Sam, Mental Health Caseworkers
If you’ve been on the internet lately, you’ve probably seen posts about the new controversial Netflix show “13 Reasons Why”.
If you have not seen it,
let us break it down for you.
The show depicts a teenage girl, Hannah Baker, trying to navigate her way through a new school.
Here, she encounters bullying from her peers and struggles with mental health issues that eventually contribute to her committing suicide. Prior to her suicide, she created audio tapes that detail the reasons why she chose to end her life.
The popular show has been criticized for glamorizing suicide and portraying suicide as a justifiable act of revenge.
On a more positive note, many mental health practitioners and teachers are using the show to open up a line of communication about suicide with youth and adults, to educate people on how to identify the signs and how to seek help or support someone who may be suicidal.
There have additionally been initiatives by local high schools where students created and shared “13 Reasons Why NOT”, which are lists of reasons why suicide is not an option.
Although the show opens up this doorway of communication regarding suicide, it demonstrates little knowledge or understanding of Hannah’s mental health problems.
It does not address her hopelessness, desperation or helplessness.
The show appears to focus more on morality and highlights that the consequences of bullying can be deathly.
There is no denying the truth behind that last statement or the detrimental effects, both short term and long term, that bullying has on its victims.
That said, there is still a much broader topic that is being left out.
Suicide itself.
Bullying is not the only reason people chose to take their own lives.
The show additionally does not address many other questions surrounding suicide including;
It does not address her hopelessness, desperation or helplessness.
The show appears to focus more on morality and highlights that the consequences of bullying can be deathly.
There is no denying the truth behind that last statement or the detrimental effects, both short term and long term, that bullying has on its victims.
That said, there is still a much broader topic that is being left out.
Suicide itself.
Bullying is not the only reason people chose to take their own lives.
The show additionally does not address many other questions surrounding suicide including;
- the signs and symptoms,
- how individuals can seek help for themselves,
- how to seek help for others,
- and what kinds of services are available.
As mental health workers, we see individuals with suicidal thoughts, ideations, and tendencies on a daily basis.
It is something we are consistently screening for, because it occurs frequently as a result of other mental health disorders.
This does not mean that a person has to have a mental illness to become suicidal, but it does increase the risk of suicide.
According to a study completed in 2011, approximately 3,500 people commit suicide annually in Canada.
This is a staggering number.
Unless you are directly affected or working in a social service/mental health setting, you are most likely unaware of what the signs of suicide are.
Furthermore, you are probably unaware of what to do if you encounter those feelings yourself or discover someone you love is suffering from them.
What to look for: signs and symptoms
What signs do we look for?
First and foremost these are general guidelines and are in no way absolutes.
Some signs are more obvious, while others are more subtle.
An obvious sign is someone having or verbalizing that they have suicidal thoughts and/or ideations.
Simply put, the individual is thinking about dying, how to do it, and what will happen if they go through with it.
These are more obvious signs as the individual will often express these thoughts to multiple people and rarely will go through with it.
Subtle signs include those that are less noticeable or associated with suicide.
These are often not expressed by the individual, but can be noticed in their changed behavior.
These can be significant changes in mood such as anger, volatility, recklessness and/or an increase in risk-taking behavior.
The individual may start to withdraw from family and friends, become more reclusive where they were once social.
The individual may turn to substance use that was not present before to numb the feelings or change their state of mind.
They may feel anxious, hopeless or helpless in their situation and are unable to cope with it.
They may also express thoughts of having no purpose to live and that no one would be affected or care if they were gone.
They may express feeling that there is no other way out of a situation.
On the flip side of the coin, their mood could drastically change in an appearingly positive way where they could present much happier than they have been, as they feel a sense of purpose through their plan to take their own life and are determined to see it through.
What do you do if you see these signs
in someone you know or love?
in someone you know or love?
The first step, although maybe the hardest, is to talk to them about what you see and your concerns.
Do this with an open heart and from a place of empathy.
Let them express how they feel and validate their struggle, while letting them know you are there to help and support them.
It is important in these situations that the person feels someone cares about them and wants to help.
At some point
you need to be brave enough
to ask them directly
if they are contemplating suicide.
Ask them if they have a plan, how they would do it and if they have a time frame. If the answer to any of these questions is “yes”, then there is an urgency that needs to be addressed.
This can be seen clearly in “13 Reasons Why”.
Hannah creates a clear and precise plan.
She chooses to create 13 tapes, clearly collects all the items she needs (tapes, razor blades, recorder etc), maps out what to record on them and then ends with her taking her own life.
Often, the person will reach out in some way or another, by trying to tell someone what they are feeling or by giving away something that holds a lot of importance for them.
Hannah demonstrates this by making a final attempt to get the attention she needs from her school counsellor.
Suicide is a serious issue, and if you recognize these signs in someone else, it is important that that person is not left alone.
- You can call 911,
- the Suicide Action Hotline,
- the West Island Crisis Center,
- or even present yourself at the Emergency Room of any hospital.
It is a scary thing to do, but you could be preventing an unnecessary death.
If the situation is less urgent, but warrants help, you can visit your local CLSC.
The CLSC can refer you to the appropriate services.
What do you do if YOU
are having these thoughts
or recognize these signs in yourself?
are having these thoughts
or recognize these signs in yourself?
If you see the signs in yourself,
it is important that you speak to someone you trust
and create a plan to help yourself.
We encourage clients to create a SAFETY PLAN which includes a list of reasons you shouldn’t harm yourself.
This can be lists of things you love to do, places to visit, things that make you passionate and important relationships in your life such as loved ones, family, friends and pets.
Add a list of resources to call in a time of need
- such as the Suicide Prevention Hotline
- or Crisis Center.
Add people you trust and can speak to on the list including family and friends. Make sure that these are people you can get in touch with if you feel unsafe being alone.
Being aware of these signs and how to provide help might make it easier to catch someone who is contemplating suicide before they act. So please, do not be another face in the crowd.
Reach out if you recognize the suffering in yourself or another.
You could be the difference between life or death.
-Jenn and Sam
For more information on suicide prevention please use the following services:
Suicide Prevention Canada
http://suicideprevention.ca/
Canadian Mental Health Association
They have a page dedicated to services for those facing suicidal thoughts and struggles or friends/family support.
https://www.cmha.ca/mental-health/understanding-mental-illness/suicide/
West Island Crisis Centre
Phone: 514-684-6160
Services: 24 hour emergency hotline, psychological assessment, intervention, temporary shelter and equipped with mobile unit for evaluations.
Suicide Action Hotline:
1 866-277-3553
or
514-723-4000
This hotline is open 24/7 and can provide support and assistance.
Author Bios
Let us introduce ourselves. We are mental health case workers, and although that sounds like a big scary title, it is actually just clinical terms for saying that we help people help themselves. Our job is to empower people with the knowledge and tools to help manage any mental health issues they may be facing. This can range from small bouts of depression and anxiety, to suicidal ideation and chronic illnesses such as Schizophrenia and Bipolar disorder. Whatever the concern, we are here to provide support, guidance and direction in riding the wave to recovery.
On a daily basis you can find us meeting with clients and creating Action Plans to accomplish short and long terms goals. We help locate and direct clients and families to community services and organizations. We create and facilitate sport therapy groups, workshops, educational seminars and group activities, all with goal of normalizing mental health issues and empowering clients with the tools and skills to move forward not only in their recovery, but with their life goals. If you are lucky enough, you can even spend time with our onsite therapy pup named Norbert, who is always available and more than willing to give some love and cuddles. Norbert plays his own role as a worker, going out into the community to spread awareness and help with prevention. Our approach is far from traditional and we strive to work outside the clinical “box”. We focus on the individual’s strengths, using their passions and goals to facilitate stability and recovery.
Jenn and Sam
Mental Health Caseworkers
Donate to Support Mental Health Care
- Published on
Suicide and Depression: Happiness is Sourced From Within
Suicide and Depression
by Frank Mondeose
Wow. Chris Cornell, say it ain't so bro!
Another one leaving us to suicide.
What makes a beautiful, powerful, impactful soul,
take their own life?
Earlier this year, a very popular Tantra teacher in California, Psalm Isadora, also took her life. She was bringing magic into people's lives in such big ways and dedicating her life to sexual health and awakening.
So why?
What makes these suicides more notable then all the rest of them? To me, it shows that, no matter what it looks like, no matter how shiny the exterior, people are battling their demons every day. So these 2 are great examples, that happiness is not "out there", in perceived "success", but more sourced from within.
How could these 2 individuals with all this light around them take their own life? And why do we sometimes try to glide over that the cause of death is suicide? Shame? Shame of what seems to be an insurmountable sadness that forces someone into the furthest edges of the rational world?
RAW TESTIMONIAL:
I want to share because I think if we speak, others won't feel as alone, because everyone is going through something worthy of escaping from.
Many of you will probably be surprised, but...
I have also battled with suicidal tendencies since high school, being brought to the brink at least a couple times.
I have prayed for death. The result: cancer.
My get out of jail free card, as I saw it.
So why? I can only speak for myself.
I feel.
I feel everything.
Some things regarding to myself, other things regarding to others, some from people I don't even f-ing know.
It is a gift and a curse.
It is so attuned, that sometimes I even feel what is coming up before it even happens, and feel, before I can even understand what I am feeling.
Many of you will probably be surprised, but...
I have also battled with suicidal tendencies since high school, being brought to the brink at least a couple times.
I have prayed for death. The result: cancer.
My get out of jail free card, as I saw it.
So why? I can only speak for myself.
I feel.
I feel everything.
Some things regarding to myself, other things regarding to others, some from people I don't even f-ing know.
It is a gift and a curse.
It is so attuned, that sometimes I even feel what is coming up before it even happens, and feel, before I can even understand what I am feeling.
This has often time put me in bouts with depression.
I don't understand.
I don't know anything.
Why am I here?
What does it all mean?
Even when I am doing my best, the world seems to be falling around me.
So what is the f-ing point of being here anyway?
Why don't I just go back to source, where I can be at ONE again and not have to feel?
Ouffff, what a topic.
I need to keep it short to keep your attention.
Bear with me. :)
So why am I still here?
I picked up a few things along the way.
#1 I am here, I have no choice. I was put here for a reason.
So what to do?
Do the only thing that means anything:
Show up in the best version of myself, that I can, as much as possible, and where i under-deliver, stay aware, attentive, and open to improving.
This is all I can f-ing do. From there, the rest will play out, but at least I am in right relationship with my soul, while in manifest form.
#2 The first time I did ISTA
In ISTA Level 2 with Bruce Lyon, I had a shift in consciousness.
I had a huge realization that suicide just could no longer be a part of my reality,
as it will affect my vibrational footprint and effect my life in consequence.
But it was Komala Lyra, who in my second ISTA Level 2 just recently in Guatemala, that anchored this concept of why stay here?
Komala succinctly described the idea of escaping from manifest reality (duality),
by yearning to return to "Oneness" through suicide
as an impossible realization.
This intense need to escape and leave here and now, is pulled by the soul's call to wanting to be in ecstatic Oneness with all, the interconnection of energy and source force.
As Komala explained, buying a ticket to Oneness, by getting on a train of Duality and Separation is impossible.
"You will never get there."
I picked up a few things along the way.
#1 I am here, I have no choice. I was put here for a reason.
So what to do?
Do the only thing that means anything:
Show up in the best version of myself, that I can, as much as possible, and where i under-deliver, stay aware, attentive, and open to improving.
This is all I can f-ing do. From there, the rest will play out, but at least I am in right relationship with my soul, while in manifest form.
#2 The first time I did ISTA
In ISTA Level 2 with Bruce Lyon, I had a shift in consciousness.
I had a huge realization that suicide just could no longer be a part of my reality,
as it will affect my vibrational footprint and effect my life in consequence.
But it was Komala Lyra, who in my second ISTA Level 2 just recently in Guatemala, that anchored this concept of why stay here?
Komala succinctly described the idea of escaping from manifest reality (duality),
by yearning to return to "Oneness" through suicide
as an impossible realization.
This intense need to escape and leave here and now, is pulled by the soul's call to wanting to be in ecstatic Oneness with all, the interconnection of energy and source force.
As Komala explained, buying a ticket to Oneness, by getting on a train of Duality and Separation is impossible.
"You will never get there."
Everything about suicide is in the realm of duality:
me, my soul, my emotions, life, death, killing, who is doing the killing, for what purpose...the mind is engaged.
Duality.
The ceremonial intention to return to Oneness
is littered with duality.
"So, live your life.
If you have a death wish, live it bigger than ever,
and see where that takes you.
But live it, and live it fully, from the core of your heart!"
I don't know how all this is landing with you, but to me it unlocked the concept of my divine, gifted time, I have here, and that every feeling and emotion,
is a gift.
Every heart break, every longing, every broken expectation, every laugh, every cuddle, every orgasm, is all a gift.
A gift that brings us back to the realm of experience.
Oneness sounds blissful, but i don't think it will feel like anything more than *everything all at once*.
So while we are here, engage the singular experience of feelings, and emotions, and allow them to put you on a path of self-discovery, and soul alignment.
This is why I can live so boldly.
This is why I can speak my mind so clearly.
This is my time.
This is the blessing I was gifted with, and there is no person, no culture, no authority, that will tone me down, because my soul speaks to me and tells me that I was put here to SHINE, and it is my divine responsibility to use this time, while I am here and gifted with it, to open my HEART, to FIND MY BLISS and SHINE.
And there is no way to make that happen if I am more focused on what others will think of me if I live out my bold truth.
With love, respect, and gratitude for all and those souls who felt the need to go, instead of living it out here with the rest of us.
You are great teachers.
xo
-Frank Mondeose
About The Author
Frank Mondeose is the owner of Monde Osé is which is a lifestyle brand focused on promoting the understanding and enjoyment of life, love and sensuality. Their mission is to offer distinguished sexy entertainment and seduce our audience while maintaining a classy high end product.
Read Frank Mondeose's past posts here:
http://www.franktalks.com/blog/burlesque-101
http://www.franktalks.com/blog/intro-to-sexual-shamanism-workshop-montreal
Frank Mondeose is the owner of Monde Osé is which is a lifestyle brand focused on promoting the understanding and enjoyment of life, love and sensuality. Their mission is to offer distinguished sexy entertainment and seduce our audience while maintaining a classy high end product.
Read Frank Mondeose's past posts here:
http://www.franktalks.com/blog/burlesque-101
http://www.franktalks.com/blog/intro-to-sexual-shamanism-workshop-montreal
- Published on
Such a Thing as Happily Single?
Is there such a thing as Happily Single?
By Frank Kermit
Is being single really that bad?
After all, when a person considers the amount of pain that a relationship or casual dating can cause, it may seem that just skipping the whole dating-thing altogether might make for a more peaceful life.
Could it be that intimate relations are simply not for everyone,
and maybe you happen to be one of those people?
How do you know if being alone is the right choice for you
and is it even possible to be content, o
r even fulfilled in a life without romantic love?
As always, that answer is completely up to you.
Learn To Manage Different Kinds of Relationships
The people who struggle with this question the most
are those people that
never actually had an overly positive,
intimate relationship with someone before.
If that is coupled with an environment
that was emotionally sterile
while that person was growing up,
it makes trying to find the motivation
for seeking out a relationship almost obsolete.
Without having experienced
what a health loving relationship can be,
or not having experienced the positive attributes
of being with someone that cares for you,
it is challenging for someone
to see the value is pursuing a goal
they have no concept of.
Make TIME For YOU
Then the consideration comes in that some people are simply too damaged to be in a relationship.
There are cases where someone may be struggling with a personal demon like an addiction, or still coping with a history of abuse.
Those demons may limit their capacity for intimate relationships of any kind.
In these cases, people tend to be encouraged to work on themselves before entering into romantic relationships so that the challenges inherent with romantic relationships do not distract the people from the healing process, nor allow the romantic relationships to exasperate a persons energy causing them not to have the personal resources to slay the demon.
This is most commonly understood when someone enters a drug and alcohol treatment center where patients are forbidden to have relations with each other and contact with loved ones must be limited.
I have often found that barring any major issues, that a few people are simply not ready to make the commitment to the amount of work that is necessary to change an area of their life they are not happy with.
Make It Happen
Dismissed as laziness by some,
the lack of willingness
to put in the work required
to change behavior patterns
is nothing to scoff at.
Changing anything in your life forces you out of your comfort zone.
It takes work.
The motivation to make such changes may very well require that someone hit an absolute rock bottom before having enough gumption to finally make that change. The same principle applies to changing the status of a persons love life.
It is unfortunate that people require that kind of rock bottom to reach a point where the pain of staying where they are is finally greater than the pain of making a change.
When I am asked if it is better to be in a relationship that is bad, or being alone, I often quote one of my inspirations.
To paraphrase:
"Are you better off with that person,
or better off without that person?"
There is no set answer.
It completely depends on the context of your situation.
There are a number of other factors to consider
in the answer to this question.
- Are you very miserable,
- or just so-so bored with your partner?
- Is your partner a good parent to your kids,
- or are your kids in danger around your partner?
- Are you fighting day in and day out with your partner,
- or have you settled into a quiet existence that you find bland?
- Is your partner someone you can rely on,
- or is your partner a dead beat?
- If you were alone, would you be able to manage
- Are you just a negative person
- will continue to find fault with your life even if your leave?
Ending a relationship is NOT always the answer when things are rough in life, because life is also going to be rough on you when you are single.
There are always consequences to either lifestyle to choose, the question remains which consequences are you more adept to handle accepting?
There are always consequences to either lifestyle to choose, the question remains which consequences are you more adept to handle accepting?
Some people are just comfortable being alone, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you are happier being alone, then take pride in that. If you complain about being alone, then do something about it.
If you complain about being in a relationship,
again do something about it.
Communicate with your partner and find out what is possible to change the areas you are not happy with, to see if you can work to build the relationship together that you will find fulfillment in.
If you are trying to figure out if you want to give up on love or not, one of the ways to decide this for yourself is to sit down and work through the differences between your feelings towards single life and your desires for the kind of lifestyle you want for yourself. Start with your ideal lifestyle and work your way backwards to your current present date.
Once you have that ideal (and REALISTIC) lifestyle mapped out, see if you are the type of person that can actually attain it, and if you would be able to attract the kind of partner that you yourself would need to be.
Frank Kermit
P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree?
Have something to Add?
Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.
Get Frank Coaching Right Now
- Published on
The Realities of Mental Health
Realities of Mental Health
by Jenn and Sam, Mental Health Caseworkers
Let’s talk about mental health.
What really is mental health and who is it affecting?
The reality is that it affects everyone.
It is the thoughts, feelings, behaviors and emotions that we feel every day. Some days are better than others, and this is true regardless of whether you suffer from a diagnosed mental illness or not.
Sometimes, however, the low days become low months or you can’t get the thoughts out of your head.
In some instances, your behavior becomes wildly different from how you normally are.
Thought patterns or behaviors begin to disrupt your daily activities and functioning.
This is when mental health becomes problematic.
Most of society believes that they will never be affected by mental health problems.
However, approximately 20% of Canadians experience some form of mental illness in their lifetime.
This means that 1 in 5 people living in Canada
are facing mental health struggles.
With the wide reach of social media and social networks alone, you are guaranteed to know someone who is having a difficult time maintaining their mental health. This statistic doesn’t even include those who have a mental illness and do not seek help or agree to participate in statistical surveys.
Most mental health disorders emerge in late adolescence to early adulthood. Some will develop later on, at age 40-50 years.
We are seeing a trend in recent years, however, of people being diagnosed earlier than average, and we’ve even seen major disorders being diagnosed in children.
This sounds scary, but the most important thing to remember is that the earlier a person is diagnosed and treated, the better their outcome.
Recognizing the symptoms and seeking treatment early on creates a better prognosis, and a better chance of recovery. Obvious, right?
But the reality is that most people have no clue what the signs of a mental health problem are, or are unwilling to seek treatment because of the stigma surrounding mental illness.
Our main goal in writing these articles is to desensitize people to the topic of mental illness, inform,
and reduce the stigma surrounding mental health.
We want people to be able to open a line of communication to those suffering from mental illness; to seek help, talk to someone, and get on the road to recovery.
Your mental health, although a part of you,
does not define you.
Within that same discussion, we hope to provide support and guidance to family members, friends and loved ones of those facing mental health struggles.
One of the greatest factors in recovery is having a solid support system, which is why we encourage family and friends to educate themselves with accurate information concerning mental illness, so that they may understand what their loved one is experiencing and support them in seeking the appropriate help.
-Jenn and Sam
Donate To Support Mental Health Care
Author Bios
Let us introduce ourselves. We are mental health case workers, and although that sounds like a big scary title, it is actually just clinical terms for saying that we help people help themselves. Our job is to empower people with the knowledge and tools to help manage any mental health issues they may be facing. This can range from small bouts of depression and anxiety, to suicidal ideation and chronic illnesses such as Schizophrenia and Bipolar disorder. Whatever the concern, we are here to provide support, guidance and direction in riding the wave to recovery.
On a daily basis you can find us meeting with clients and creating Action Plans to accomplish short and long terms goals. We help locate and direct clients and families to community services and organizations. We create and facilitate sport therapy groups, workshops, educational seminars and group activities, all with goal of normalizing mental health issues and empowering clients with the tools and skills to move forward not only in their recovery, but with their life goals. If you are lucky enough, you can even spend time with our onsite therapy pup named Norbert, who is always available and more than willing to give some love and cuddles. Norbert plays his own role as a worker, going out into the community to spread awareness and help with prevention. Our approach is far from traditional and we strive to work outside the clinical “box”. We focus on the individual’s strengths, using their passions and goals to facilitate stability and recovery.
Jenn and Sam
Mental Health Caseworkers
Let us introduce ourselves. We are mental health case workers, and although that sounds like a big scary title, it is actually just clinical terms for saying that we help people help themselves. Our job is to empower people with the knowledge and tools to help manage any mental health issues they may be facing. This can range from small bouts of depression and anxiety, to suicidal ideation and chronic illnesses such as Schizophrenia and Bipolar disorder. Whatever the concern, we are here to provide support, guidance and direction in riding the wave to recovery.
On a daily basis you can find us meeting with clients and creating Action Plans to accomplish short and long terms goals. We help locate and direct clients and families to community services and organizations. We create and facilitate sport therapy groups, workshops, educational seminars and group activities, all with goal of normalizing mental health issues and empowering clients with the tools and skills to move forward not only in their recovery, but with their life goals. If you are lucky enough, you can even spend time with our onsite therapy pup named Norbert, who is always available and more than willing to give some love and cuddles. Norbert plays his own role as a worker, going out into the community to spread awareness and help with prevention. Our approach is far from traditional and we strive to work outside the clinical “box”. We focus on the individual’s strengths, using their passions and goals to facilitate stability and recovery.
Jenn and Sam
Mental Health Caseworkers
Support Mental Health Care Now
- Published on
Ready, Set, Panic! - Sex and the City - Pillow Talk Gal
Sex and the City: Season 2- Ready, set.......PANIC!!!
Written by: Pillow Talk Gal
Has this ever happened to you...Your thoughts are racing, your heart is pounding and then that dreaded feeling that you’re going to pass out begins. You feel like everything around you is closing in and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
What’s happening?
Well, chances are you’re having a panic attack. It’s scary (especially the first time) and it happens to so many people, yet it’s something not spoken of, due to its stigmatic nature.
In season 2 of Sex and the City, episode 5 – Four women and a Funeral, Miranda has decided to make the jump and buy her own place. She is financially independent and feels ready to take the next step. Being a 35 year old, successful woman buying her own apartment alone (without the financial help of a man) seems to be a concept lost on many of the people around her (her realtor, the mortgage broker, associates at her law firm).
What are best friends for?
Of course, Carrie, Samantha and Charlotte are thrilled for her and think her decision is fantastic (what are besties for after all). With a gentle nudge from her gals, Miranda moves forward and buys her new home. She’s happy and excited to be living this new chapter of her life.
As she visits the vacant apartment to measure for drapes, she meets one of her soon to be neighbours who mentions that the previous owner was an unmarried, lonely old lady, who died and was found a week later, having had her face eaten off by her cat!
As she visits the vacant apartment to measure for drapes, she meets one of her soon to be neighbours who mentions that the previous owner was an unmarried, lonely old lady, who died and was found a week later, having had her face eaten off by her cat!
Of course Miranda is a bit shaken by this new information, but she pushes forward and moves into the apartment. That same night, after a few hours of unpacking boxes, she decides to take a break and have something to eat while watching a little TV.
She takes a bite from her Chinese takeout and is quickly horrified by the fact that she is choking on the very piece she just put in her mouth! She begins to run around in a panic, all the while realizing she is choking and can’t breathe.
She takes a bite from her Chinese takeout and is quickly horrified by the fact that she is choking on the very piece she just put in her mouth! She begins to run around in a panic, all the while realizing she is choking and can’t breathe.
Romance Made Easy
Finally in a last ditch effort to save her own life, she gives herself the Heimlich manoeuvre on the back of an unpacked moving box and to her relief, she is able to dislodge the trapped Kung Pao chicken.
After she has caught her breath, Miranda immediately calls Carrie to inform her of her near death experience, luckily Carrie is able to talk her off the ledge (so to speak) and calm her down. When asked if she needs company,
Miranda puts on a brave face and shrugs off the experience (with the exception of making sure her cat’s food bowl is completely full with food, you know, as a precaution of course).
Finally in a last ditch effort to save her own life, she gives herself the Heimlich manoeuvre on the back of an unpacked moving box and to her relief, she is able to dislodge the trapped Kung Pao chicken.
After she has caught her breath, Miranda immediately calls Carrie to inform her of her near death experience, luckily Carrie is able to talk her off the ledge (so to speak) and calm her down. When asked if she needs company,
Miranda puts on a brave face and shrugs off the experience (with the exception of making sure her cat’s food bowl is completely full with food, you know, as a precaution of course).
Refreshed and Ethusiastic
The next day, refreshed and enthusiastic, Miranda decides she wants to get to know her new neighbourhood by taking a stroll.
As she proudly walks down the street, she is taking in all the scenery, enjoying the fresh air and the people around her. Life seems perfect for Miranda and nothing can bring her down.
As she proudly walks down the street, she is taking in all the scenery, enjoying the fresh air and the people around her. Life seems perfect for Miranda and nothing can bring her down.
Then out of nowhere, things start to feel very wrong. Her vision starts to blur, the buildings and everything around her begin to spin and she feels as though she is going to pass out.
Luckily, a cab happens to be a few feet away (this is New York City after all), so she summons the strength to hail it over and immediately tells the driver to take her to the nearest hospital. $500 worth of tests later, doctors tell Miranda she has had a panic attack.
Even though Miranda was trying to be strong, the stress from the possibility of living and dying alone became too much for her to handle.
Then out of nowhere, things start to feel very wrong. Her vision starts to blur, the buildings and everything around her begin to spin and she feels as though she is going to pass out.
Luckily, a cab happens to be a few feet away (this is New York City after all), so she summons the strength to hail it over and immediately tells the driver to take her to the nearest hospital. $500 worth of tests later, doctors tell Miranda she has had a panic attack.
Even though Miranda was trying to be strong, the stress from the possibility of living and dying alone became too much for her to handle.
Anxiety has a way of affecting us all in different ways.
Some people eat, others bottle it all up until it explodes (like our brave Miranda).
Some choose to binge watch TV to distract themselves and others sometimes turn to more drastic measures (drugs, alcohol, etc...)
Some people eat, others bottle it all up until it explodes (like our brave Miranda).
Some choose to binge watch TV to distract themselves and others sometimes turn to more drastic measures (drugs, alcohol, etc...)
Just For You
In today’s society we are all finding our own way of dealing with the stress factor in our lives. There are so many issues now a days (divorce, politics, terrorism, bad economical times, etc...) that for many it has become almost impossible to not worry, a daily ritual if you will (in waking thoughts or as you put your head to pillow at night).
As I write this I can’t help but wonder,
- how much has social media played a part in this?
- If I didn’t have this blog to outsource this issue, would we even be talking about it?
Mental health issues have definitely gotten more attention in the last few years, but it’s important that we all remember that the next time you see someone struggling, instead of brushing them off, be compassionate and think twice before judging.
Everyone has ‘’something’’ and we can never really understand how they are handling it.
About Pillow Talk Gal
Born and raised in British Columbia, she is a professional woman managing a career, marriage, and a teenager. Life can be challenging at times but she's a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason, and more often than not, she tries to understand those reasons.
"Join me in my journey throughout life’s issues and I guarantee you’ll be left pondering an issue or two." - Pillow Talk Gal
To read Pillow Talk Gal's last post, click HERE
*Disclaimer: Sex and the City was produced by HBO and all rights, titles and interests in any images or clips, used herein under Fair Use and Fair Copying, remain the property of the author.
P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree?
Have something to Add?
Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.
Donate Here for Mental Health and Panic Support
- Published on
FrankTalks.com: What Is The Savior Complex?
Battling the Savior Complex
By Frank Kermit
As children, many of us grew up on stories about the hero that saves a person, and in the process, earned the undying love and loyalty of the person saved so that the hero and that saved person live happily ever after.
The message that some people got was that being a hero is a way (and for some people, they learned it is the ONLY way) to earn a love that will never experience abandonment. Others learned from those stories that you are only worthy of love if you save someone.
Learn More About Coaching
This has led to something I call The Savior Complex, which I see in my coaching practice.
It is the concept that some people seek out relationship partners who they feel need to be saved.
Both men and women do this.
This has led to something I call The Savior Complex, which I see in my coaching practice.
It is the concept that some people seek out relationship partners who they feel need to be saved.
Both men and women do this.
The "saved" person could be a person with low self esteem that makes poor choices for their own lives, a recovering addict, a person that has given up on some part of their life, a person that is always short on money, or a person that is unable to accept and express love and compliments.
The savior in this case finds a person that needs help in an area that the savior feels they have some talent in and attaches to that person-in-need-of-help, usually very quickly.
This often has dire consequences. Sometimes the savior puts his or her resources into helping someone change, who is neither actually interested nor capable of change.
The savior might end up either putting too much pressure on their partner, or end up stuck with the savior's own frustration of not being able to feel any "earned" love.
Other times, a savior might even become an enabler to someone NOT healing a personal issue.
Learn About Fear of Abandonment and Other Emotional Needs
For example, out of an Emotional Need of fear of abandonment, a would-be savior will actually sabotage a person's progress of healing so that the person is forever dependant on the savior.
Lastly, a savior might also be a victim of someone that preys on the overly nice nature that some saviors exhibit, which results in the savior eventually needing to be saved from the manipulative puppet master.
Lastly, a savior might also be a victim of someone that preys on the overly nice nature that some saviors exhibit, which results in the savior eventually needing to be saved from the manipulative puppet master.
Learn To Spot Red Flags By Understanding Emotional Needs
On the odd chance that the savior is actually able to help the distressed person overcome their issue (or if the person fixes the issues him or her self), the newly healed person and the savior find themselves in a quagmire.
The savior may lose attraction, as there is nothing left about the person to be saved from that would trigger the savior to feel attachment.
Another scenario is that once a person has healed, he or she becomes a different person, and the new person would not have ever sought to date a savior type to begin with, and the healed party moves on to find a new life partner that they can be on more equal footing.
A life partner cannot be someone that a person needs to save in order to earn love.
Your life partner will love you regardless if you have the power to save them or not.
If a potential life partner seeks you out to solve all of his or her problems, or if you are the one that feels obligated to save your partner from him or her self as a means to stay importantly relevant in their lives, it is all one big Red Flag.
At best, a life partner is something that you can be equal too, in the sense that neither one of you is required to save the other, especially saving a partner from themselves.
As partners, people can grow together, and explore the world together, and support each other through hard times, all the while making the mistakes we all make being human beings.
FrankTalks.com Coaching Workbook For Men
However, if you keep finding yourself only attracted to people that evoke some kind of savior complex in you, because you deem that their love will be easier to earn if you are a hero, and save that person, then you would be sadly mistaken.
Hero worship is not love.
It may be a combination of emotions including lust, admiration, awe, excitement, and fantasy fuelling energy but it is not love.
When someone, that you can do nothing for, has those same feelings for you without the requirement of you having to save them from life, THAT has more of a chance of being real love.
FrankTalks.com Coaching Workbook for Women
Beware of online profiles and single dating ads that start with: Rescue Me or something of that nature.
Fairy tales might make damsels in distress seem like a romantic notion, but the real world is no place to have a life partner that does not have the inner capacity to be their own hero.
Frank Kermit
P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree?
Have something to Add?
Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.
Sign Up For Frank Coaching Right Now To Save Yourself From Your Savior Complex
- Published on
The Difference Between Jokes and Abuse In Raising A Child
By Frank Kermit
A joke is not a joke if it hurts someone.
With April 1st (known as April Fools Day) upon us, it can be customary for some to play a prank on the people we care about, all in the name of harmless fun.
However, in my practice I see a more sinister side of this day, and the premise that it is based on. When people use April Fools Day to justify a repeating behavior pattern of meanness and bullying, it is no joke. It is abuse plain and simple.
The emotional damage that can occur when humor is used as a mask for abuse is serious.
Ask any trauma counselor.
I worked on programs with special populations (adults with autism and other developmental challenges), and also counsel trauma victims in my coaching practice. I see and deal with the damage done to people when just having fun at the expense of a human being goes without context.
In most of those cases, the people having fun do NOT acknowledge that what they do is wrong, and are usually people who actually care (or are suppose to) about their targets.
The worst is when those jokes are perpetuated on children, where most people first learn about the blurred connections between humor, jokes and harmful acts.
Although children have a wonderful sense of playfulness that does not mean that children can distinguish the context of when a joke is a joke and when a joke can be harmful.
A child laughs at cartoon characters kicking each other in the butt (just watch old Chip And Dale cartoons for an example). However, when a child mimics that same behaviors on his daycare classmates, it is not funny to the kids being kicked.
Those innocent interpretations of children can grow up into emotional blocks for grown ups.
"My mother regularly told me that I was a mistake as a joke", says the adult man who has trouble holding on to a job.
"My brother used to call me fat as a joke all the time", says the adult woman who is dying from an eating disorder.
Let us first start off with a major concept.
Children are like sponges in the way they absorb information. There is no such thing as a time to play and then a time to learn. Children are ALWAYS in learning mode.
If you were to consider thinking of playtime as merely a different mode of learning, you may start to get a grasp of just how important socialization is to the development and education of a child.
This is one of the reasons why new educational endeavor seek to employ entertainment values in lesson planning.
When children are exposed to abuse under the form of humor, it is just as much an education about how to relate to themselves and each other, as sitting in a classroom and following a prepared lesson by a teaching professional.
Children who are the target of jokes may be learning something negative if the context of the joke is in anyway hurtful. If the teasing is coming from other children who have already set themselves up to be categorized as enemies, it may carry a certain message (i.e. the problem is the other children, not the child being targeted).
However if the teasing is coming from the best friends or even family of the targeted child, the message could end up being that if the people who are suppose to love the child actually hate the child, then child is unlovable.
This can be especially heinous when the teasing is actually tolerated or even encouraged by the people around the child who would normally be expected to protect the child.
As I teach this in my program, THE ART OF CALIBRATION PROGRAM: FROM CREEPY TO CHARISMA EBOOK: A key component if you are struggling to decide if something would be a harmless joke or if something may constitute a form of abuse or mistreatment is to ask one question:
Would the person who is being targeted be laughing at the joke being played on him or her?
If the answer is yes, then it is all in fun.
If the person who is being targeted is not finding it as funny as the prankster, then it is abuse.
At the heart of this question, is the question of consent.
Would the person you are playing the joke on consent to it?
If there is consent, it is a shared experience.
When there is no consent, the joke can cross the line and become an act of violence or abuse (even name calling is an act of verbal abuse).
To make it even more abundantly clear, if you are unable to accurately predict if the person you are targeting would fully consent, then take that as a sign not to pull the joke.
The absence of consent is what makes it abuse.
One question I have been asked is whether or not it is alright to make fun of someone, or laugh at someone, provided the person would never find out about it.
If a person does not know he or she is being made fun of, then no feelings can be hurt, and would that make it OK?
The answer is no.
It does not matter if the person being made fun of, laughed at, or having a prank played upon them does not know it. It is still wrong. To use a relational analogy, it is still cheating if you have promised fidelity to someone, regardless if the other partner never finds out.
Whether it is making fun of the introverted neighbors down the street, a celebrity on the Internet, strangers on Youtube videos, or the shy kid in class that does not know how to defend herself, having fun at someone's expense, even if they do not know about it, still does not change the fact that it is a hurtful act you knowingly commit.
So before you play a joke or prank on someone you love (or a stranger for that matter), just stop.
Especially if the person is a child, or simply does not like being made fun of. There are many ways to share an experience with someone you care about, and better ways for you to show that you care than poking fun at them.
April Fools Day is not an excuse to be a bully.
Frank Kermit
P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add?
Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.
Support People With Mental Health Challenges Who Have Been Bullied
- Published on
You Don't Have Time for Toxic People in Your Life
You Do Not Have Time For Toxic People
By Frank Kermit
When I lecture, coach or regularly talk on the radio about Toxic people,
I usually define Toxic people as lacking the capacity to reason, or people who have the capacity to reason but just do not want to reason with you.
I often advise that the best way to deal with a toxic person is not to deal with that person at all.
FrankTalks.com Coaching Workbook For Men
One of the principles I teach in my coaching workbooks for men and women, "I'm A Man, That's My Job" and "I'm a Woman, It's My Time" respectively is that you have to learn to deal with toxic people as part of learning to manage any successful relationship.
FrankTalks.com Coaching Workbook for Women
However, sometimes a “toxic” person may not be typically toxic at all.
In fact the person could be a very caring friend of yours that simply is giving you bad advice or encouraging you in ways that are not in your best long-term interest.
In the same way that Arizona law allows people to move forward by sealing past mistakes under ARS 13-911, it’s important to recognize when something that seems helpful may actually be holding you back.
One of the Rules of Dating. Discover the other Rules of Dating here
A “toxic” person could also be someone that you love, who genuinely loves you back, but isn’t ready or interested in moving forward with you for any number of reasons.
Sometimes a toxic person is someone you are very close to, and can even count on, but who also brings out your worst attributes.
If you are single and interested in finding a serious relationship, it is very important that you keep toxic people (and those who are not toxic per se, but have a negative impact on your love life) as far away from you as possible.
Sometimes a toxic person is someone you are very close to, and can even count on, but who also brings out your worst attributes.
If you are single and interested in finding a serious relationship, it is very important that you keep toxic people (and those who are not toxic per se, but have a negative impact on your love life) as far away from you as possible.
Here are some examples
If you happen to be overly critical of yourself to the point that you continually put yourself down, or discourage yourself from trying new things, and there is someone around you that fuels these behaviors, that person may be toxic to you.
Even if the person pushes you in discouraging yourself from trying new things because that person just wants to protect your feelings in case those new things do not work out;
regardless of the intent, that person is holding you back and not doing you any real favours.
regardless of the intent, that person is holding you back and not doing you any real favours.
Learn To Calibrate to Toxic People
If you happen to start dating someone new and the chemistry is not exactly where you want it to be, and you decided to give your date a chance to let the chemistry develop over time because you really like your date and love all of your date’s other attributes
BUT your best friend tells you that you should dump your date, because you deserve better, and should never settle,
then your best friend may be toxic to you.
BUT your best friend tells you that you should dump your date, because you deserve better, and should never settle,
then your best friend may be toxic to you.
Maybe your best friend has your best interests at heart, or maybe your best friend is jealous of your date and doesn’t want to lose spending time with you.
Either way, if you have a chance at finding a decent partner to have a serious relationship, and a person in your life is pushing you to give it up before giving it a real chance, that person may be toxic for you.
If you are attempting to adopt a healthier lifestyle of eating better, exercising and reducing the amount of alcohol and junk food you eat, and a person in your life keeps trying to get you to go out places that encourage those behaviors you are trying to change, that person may be toxic for you.
The person could attempt to join you on your new outings that encourage your new sought out healthier lifestyle, but isn’t interested, and attempts to guilt you into going places you would rather stay away from, that person may be toxic for you.
Advice on Dealing with Toxic People
If you want to move forward in your life, it is going to involve some sacrifices
and one of those sacrifices might mean to spend less time with the toxic people in your life who, good intentions or not, hold you back.
There will be consequences such as some hurt feelings, and maybe a little resentment from the people that you put some distance with.
On the other hand,
the consequences might also include a newfound sense of adventure for life, new confidence in your ability to more forward, and even the best possible serious romantic relationship ever.
In the long term, it might be a pretty good trade.
P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add?
Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.
Sign Up For Frank Coaching Now
