Athlete and Vixen: Making of a Pole Dancer - Part II
by Melanie Lynch


I last posted about Pole dancing being a sport and that not all Pole dancers are strippers but I asked the question ‘what is so wrong with stripping anyway?’  

When I started Pole dancing I found that I would get so frustrated with everyone implying I was a stripper.  As years went by I started participating in more shows and met so many great women. 
 
They were all out there trying to be brave, showing up in small costumes and hoping they would put on a performance.  Some of these fantastic women were almost naked and some were actually stripping.  I marvelled at them and loved them for the courage on stage but quickly learned that although they were strong on stage backstage they were nervous balls of energy getting their courage up and trying to remember their routines.  



I discovered that there really was
nothing different between them and me.



So once again, let’s start at the beginning.  When I started my Pole journey, I went to my first class and I was wearing full-length leggings and a tank top.  To me this was revealing.   

As we progressed I needed to climb and so the leggings changed to shorts.  I learned to hold the Pole between my legs (yes, I am aware of how that sounded) and the shorts got a lot smaller. 

Then the ultimate thing happened, I started to flip upside down and needed to position the Pole across my abdomen. 

So my tank tops needed to turn into a crop top or sports bra.  Let me tell you, after you have had three children, your first instinct is not to show off the stomach area.  

As I stood there, I had to fight the urge to cover my stomach with my hands.  But Pole is so much more than exercise.  



It’s a community. 



A loving, welcoming community that encourages women to not apologize for the way they look.  


These ladies push you to grow, express yourself and be bold! 

​
At the same time as I started attending Pole shows,
I also started going to Burlesque shows. 



The first time I went to one, I was completely blown away.  I had never seen anything like it. 

These women came out with the most amazing, decadent, creative costumes and performed with such sublime beauty that it took my breath away. 


They were stripping but the show was more than just removing their clothes, it was a celebration of beauty, whether it was the movement, the costumes or the woman themselves, it was simply beautiful.   


I had the privilege to watch one performer named Coco Framboise who came on stage wearing the massive fur boa which she slowly undressed behind. 

It was a cheeky tease because you would only see glimpses of her caramel skin behind the white softness of the fluffy boa.  She was mesmerizing and the crowd absolutely loved her.   There’s nothing like the crowds at these shows.  The first thing you notice about these crowds is that they consist largely of women and these women scream, shout and catcall the performers in encouragement.   


They show their appreciation for what is happening on stage.  I was drawn to try this too and so signed up for the Coco Framboise School of Burlesque. 


I wanted to learn how to exude
that kind of confidence and beauty.


​

I once read one of those Facebook postcards that said something like “some women feel empowered by covering themselves while others by taking their clothes off, who are we to judge” and it spoke to me.  


There’s a lot of criticism about women taking their clothes off or objectifying themselves and I won’t go into all their arguments here. 


You can’t take two steps without running into their voices and you can go read about it yourselves. 

There’s something to me that just doesn’t fit about this mindset. 

• Firstly, not everything is about men.  Sometimes we do things for ourselves.  Imagine, going out there and feeling beautiful and powerful in an alternate existence than your everyday life.  We spend huge amounts of time and energy as good mothers, wives, daughters and business people every day sometimes it is nice to step out of that world and in to one where we can feel free and be bold. 
  
• Secondly, there are barely any men in the audience we usually just perform for each other. 
• Thirdly, there are usually men behind the scenes telling us not to do that.  Trying to own our bodies and telling us what to do.  This is us telling them ‘forget you’. 
• Lastly, most of the time women don’t feel powerful or beautiful in our everyday lives and we are often reminded that we are not the girls portrayed in the magazines.  WE need to find that feeling for ourselves and Pole helps some of us to get to that mindset but still there are some people that keep telling us we are wrong.  I want to say that we are not wrong! 

 
WE are strong and determined. 

We do not want to be told anything about ourselves anymore. 

We own our lives, our bodies and the way we choose express ourselves.  

You are not qualified to judge me or others who enjoy this activity. 


This is our choice.  
 

Why is it wrong to be us?  We are not hurting you or ourselves. 

In fact we are having fun and life should be fun. 


Maybe no one will understand what we are trying to do and that’s ok but all I ask is that the judgment stop, and that you just sit back and enjoy the show since we have worked hard to pull it together! 


If you think I am crazy and wrong, well that’s ok too because I have a whole community of women that are there with me cheering me on and supporting me every step of the way and I really didn’t choose to do it for you anyway.



To read Part 1 of this series,
http://www.franktalks.com/blog/-athlete-and-vixen-the-making-of-a-pole-dancer


​

The Power of the Yoga Community and the Drive-By Divorce
 By Carrie Joyner
 
The main idea when I created my yoga and fitness studio was to build a community of like-minded people; people who loved yoga, people who wanted to get healthy and fit and strong…mind, body and soul.


I had no idea how important this community would become to me until about 2 weeks after opening the doors and had just experienced a drive by divorce.


If you have ever started or owned a business, you probably know how stressful it is.


You bet it all on red, dedicate months or years (in my case it took about 2 years of planning, financing and finding the perfect location, location, location) to even get to the point where you could actually consider it being “in business”.


Add on to that the end of a marriage that involved a 4 year old son, and it was a recipe for disaster.
 

So what is a drive-by divorce?

 
It’s getting a text from your husband asking you to come outside at lunch time.

I told him to just come into the studio, I had a pole dancing class going on and wanted to make sure all went well.

Then it’s getting another text saying “please, it’s really important…”, so I went outside.

I was greeted by the black Mercedes SUV, opened the door, got in and found my now ex-husband staring at me with red eyes and tear stains on his custom fit Armani suit.

He didn’t say much as he drove literally to the other end of the parking lot, where he parked the car and looked at me and said “You aren’t in love with me anymore, and I am not in love with you…we are getting a divorce.”


Simple as that.


The conversation was a bit of a blur.

I remember it not being a conversation, more of a speech.

I asked him what his next move was, and he said it was to go home and get his stuff.

He was moving into a  near-by hotel, it’s just over.


My only concern at this point was not me, but our son. I said “What about Shane? What do we tell Shane?” “Nothing”, he said, “tell him I am on a business trip until I figure it out.”


I got in my jeep and drove far, far away- not wanting my clients or staff to see me crying.
I headed to my best friends house on auto-pilot. She wasn’t there, so I headed back to the studio and did a few more hours of work like a robot.


I couldn’t think, move, feel….breathe.


It was a sucker punch to the heart.

I thought things were getting better, he said they were.

Apparently not.


The next few days were a blur.

I was in shock but trying to act like things were normal for my son, who was totally out of the loop.

Every morning I woke up, took my son to daycare, went to the studio and tried to get through the day.


Working on and at the studio proved to be the perfect distraction.



I was an open door kind of girl, and anyone- staff, client, teacher, etc. knew that they could always pop in and say hi or talk to me. This revolving door of mostly females became my tribe. Literally. I would tell them what was going on if they had the intuition or inclination to ask, and I would repeat the story a million times over.


Not only did I find women who had been through the same or a similar situation and even some men, but I found a sounding board and it became like therapy to me.


Between emotionally fuelled lawyer visits to trying to be zen and teaching my yoga classes, my studio became more than a studio.


It became my happy place.



When we were under construction, I wanted a big executive office in the back room with cameras and an intercom-but I ended up putting my tiny desk in a tiny closet right off the lounge and reception area, so I actually sacrificed luxury for the benefit of hearing every conversation, every client at the desk and being 10 feet away from my staff at any given time.
 


Which leads me to Merissa.

 
I heard a woman freaking out at the desk about a canceled Pilates class.

We used Mind Body software, which allowed us to see who had registered for what class, so if there was a cancellation for whatever reason, we could contact them to notify them of the cancellation. She did not register, but showed up at the “regular” time and was livid that the class had been cancelled.

I think the teacher was sick and we couldn’t find a sub. Whatever the case was, I decided to go out and talk to her. I asked her if she wanted some tea.

We sat in the lounge and sipped on tea as she vented about how far she’d come expecting to do her class and go home and make dinner.

I apologized, things happen sometimes that are out of control.

I guess she saw that I wasn’t my normal bubbly self and asked if I was alright.


I said no, not really.


I was a little overwhelmed with what had happened. I explained what I was going through and in the blink of an eye she went from an angry client to a person with the best words of advice I have yet to hear.

She told me about one of her best friends who had been married to a pilot, and he did the same thing.

In this case, there was another woman involved.


What she told me next wouldn’t change my life, but it did change my outlook on everything.


 
She said “the best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself and your son.

Get yourself into the best physical shape you have ever been in, focus on being happy and spoiling yourself.

Don’t do this to make him feel bad, do it to make you feel amazing and not sit there thinking about the why’s and the poor me’s.”



This did not make everything better. It did not change the situation or my grieving process.


But after Merissa, I talked to literally hundreds of women, of every age, who had similar stories.


I stopped feeling like I was the only person this had ever happened to.


I started to let go of the blame and anger and I started to feel really, really connected to every person who walked through my doors.


We all have a story.

 
We do.


Once we learn to embrace the fact that everyone is going through, has gone through, or will go through a life altering struggle- we become one.



That community that I started building became my pillar of strength in a trying time.


They say everything happens for a reason. I believe it. 


-Carrie Joyner

​

Day Of The Entrepreneur
by Frank Kermit
 
There are no personal days
There are no sick days
There are no recovery days
There are no bereavement days


There are no fun days
There are no “me” days
There are no vacation days


There are no off days
There are no days off


There are no special days
There are no holidays
There are no family days
There are no birthdays
There are no wedding days
There are no funeral days
 

There are no Mondays
There are no Fridays
There are no weekdays
There are no weak days
 
 
There are no long weekends
There are no weekends
There are no mornings
There are no afternoons
There are no evenings
There are no late nights
There are no overnights
 

There are no happy days
There are no yesterdays
There are no good ole days
There is no tomorrow
 
 
There is only TODAY
Just a day when you either
Get to work so you can get-to-work
Or a day you do not get to work
 

Until ONE DAY
Everyday becomes A Personal Day
And that is THE DAY
Of The Entrepreneur
 

by Frank Kermit

​
​Towards Polyamory? A Personal And Unfinished Journey
By Ken
 
Polyamory is a new term and concept for me. 
 
It has arisen in my consciousness as the result of an ongoing search for meaning in my life, and as a term that represents a new way of looking at relationships, commitment, fidelity, sexual freedom and personal values.
 

For me it encompasses feelings of fear and insecurity, but also feelings of belonging, connectedness and liberation from old patterns and stifling conventionalities.

 
I am thinking about polyamory, among a number of relationship options, as a viable and possibly joyful form of intimate engagement with others.
 

First, a bit of background. 


I am a 64 year old gay man. 

I came out in my late 40s – a late bloomer by any definition. 
 
I had a good (sometimes very good) 27 year marriage with a loving woman, and together we raised two daughters.

 
However (and I suppose this is “a tale as old as time”, as the song goes) there were increasingly protracted  periods of depression and frustration as it became clearer to me that this identity was untenable, and I left my marriage.

 
I set out on a new path.

 
In the meantime, I retired and moved from Saskatchewan to my place of birth, Nova Scotia. 
 
Of course, leaving my identity in Saskatchewan as a heterosexual family man, as a worker and more recently as a member of a GLBTQ community, had its challenges and adaptations, but today I am in an almost 4 year relationship with a loving man.

 
However, there are still stirrings of discontent and frustration.

 
I am still on a journey of discovery, unpeeling layers of personal history - genetics, upbringing, the aging process - and within that context attempting to carve out a life that represents who I am.

 
Who, in fact, am I, and what do I want?

 
My partner and I introduced the idea of non-monogamy into our conversation about two years ago.

 
In those two years we have experimented, including others in our sexual lives, both separately and as a couple.
 

My partner wanted the experience of variety, and I wanted to find a less rigid and conventional means of expressing my sexuality.

 
We have stopped and started this process a couple of times, due primarily to my discomfort. We have very different views about sex.

 
For my partner, sex is sex, a recreational activity whose goal is mutual pleasure.
 
Nothing more.
 
It does not involve emotion or any level of commitment (other than the potential for FWB: Friends-with-benefits).
 

For me, sex is about connection and belonging, intimacy and meaning. Sex is about love and friendship and commitment.
 

So we come to polyamory, the concept of experiencing more than one intimate partner, of sharing lives in a deep and meaningful way with multiple participants, and of enlarging and engaging with one’s notion of relationship.

 
For me this is a fraught process.

 
The very idea of engaging intimately with someone other than one’s partner, and other than in fantasy, has been utterly foreign to me.

 
The process of expanding my sexual contacts has pushed so many buttons – insecurity, confidence, value judgements, fear, anxiety, aging and sexual performance, abandonment, aloneness, jealousy, social censure.


 
On the other hand, I firmly believe that we should never expect one person to satisfy all our needs – a huge responsibility to place on another’s shoulders, and an abrogation of our own responsibility for our own lives.


 
This part of my personal journey, undertaken at a time when many people are questioning the meaning of their lives as they settle into old age, remains unfinished.

 
In my worst moments, I feel a sense of extreme anxiety, and sadness and loss at the discarding of values and beliefs by which I was raised and to which I subscribed throughout my life.
 

In my best moments I look forward with optimism and excitement to the expansion of possibilities in relationship and connection.


 
 
Author Bio:

Ken was born and raised in Nova Scotia, and after working in Western Canada for almost 30 years, retired and returned home to the Halifax area. He is a painter, gardener, reader and cat herder.

​Another scenario is that once a person has healed, he or she becomes a different person, and the new person would not have ever sought to date a savior type to begin with, and the healed party moves on to find a new life partner that they can be on more equal footing.


A life partner cannot be someone that a person needs to save in order to earn love.


Your life partner will love you regardless if you have the power to save them or not.


If a potential life partner seeks you out to solve all of his or her problems, or if you are the one that feels obligated to save your partner from him or her self as a means to stay importantly relevant in their lives, it is all one big Red Flag.

​ 
At best, a life partner is something that you can be equal too, in the sense that neither one of you is required to save the other, especially saving a partner from themselves.

As partners, people can grow together, and explore the world together, and support each other through hard times, all the while making the mistakes we all make being human beings.

​

You Do Not Have Time For Toxic People
By Frank Kermit
 
When I lecture, coach or regularly talk on the radio about Toxic people,

I usually define Toxic people as lacking the capacity to reason, or people who have the capacity to reason but just do not want to reason with you.

I often advise that the best way to deal with a toxic person is not to deal with that person at all.

At which point, many would-be lovers flee before the next dating encounter.
 

For those that reject dating adult aged virgins, reasons may include: 

• not wanting to deal with the pressure of being someone’s first,
• not wanting the virgin to regret losing their virginity (facing resentment), and ​
• not having to wait for the virgin to feel ready for sex.  

​
Potential partners who have previously been sexually active tend not to revel in the notion of waiting what could be weeks, or even months, for the virgin they are dating to feel ready and comfortable for first time sex. 
 
It makes no difference if the potential partner is simply seeking a casual dating partner and sex for fun, or those looking for a more serious commitment.  Neither of them wants to wait longer than they are used too in order to explore sexual compatibility and enjoyment. 


In fact, even some match making companies will refuse to take on virgins as clients because of how difficult they may be to find a match for.
 

As far as my personal practice goes, the only people that hope to meet a virgin to marry one day are those from very strict religious and cultural backgrounds who seek the same.

Burlesque is a poetic and sensual means of entertainment that typically includes striptease and comedy, generally performed in cabarets, theaters and clubs. As with music, each performance has a style, an emotion and a story of its own!

Burlesque, the title was originally founded in Europe in the early 1600’s: as a form of satire that was expressed in manuscripts. It was later picked up in theatrical works all through the 17th century until the Victorian era and then became widely popular in the 1860s to the 1940s, notably in Hollywood film between the 1930s and 1960s. 
Burlesque entertainment can be interpreted as ridicule, extravagant, sexy and daunting.

People Pleasers Are Problem Daters
By Frank Kermit

 
At the heart of every great people pleaser is the best of intentions of wanting to be liked by the other person.


And that is why people pleasers, as nice as they are, are never fully trusted by the target of their affections.

 
When someone wants to please a person, that is OK, provided that the person feels the attention is earned.

The problem is that a people pleaser is too nice by nature.

People pleasers see themselves as being appropriate, while their dates feel a vibe of insincerity. In the minds of potential partners, no one is that nice, unless there have ulterior motives. In fact, that is the paradox of the people pleaser. They do not want the other person's money, resources, or even material possessions. All they want is to be liked
 
Because people pleasers want to be liked so badly, they allow themselves to be disrespected.

One of the principles I teach in my coaching workbooks for men and women, "I'm A Man, That's My Job" and "I'm a Woman, It's My Time" respectively is that to make any relationship work is that it MUST be more important to the person to want to be respected by your potential partner, instead of being liked.

If all you know how to do is to be liked, you will get ATTENTION, but you will struggle to find any long lasting and legitimate intimacy. No one loves a person that does not have his or her respect as well. People will like a people pleaser, but people will never fully respect nor trust a people pleaser. Without respect and trust, there can be no love. There can be like, even lust in some cases, but never a love that leads to commitment.
 
At the heart of a people pleaser, is fear:

1. The fear of confrontation,
2. the fear of being abandoned, and
3. the fear of being mean or insulting resulting in a LOSS    

That is why people pleasers lack boundaries.

Without proper boundaries, a people pleaser does not have to deal with any of that unpleasantness nor do they have to act in ways in which they might self identify with their own abusers who were mean or insulting to the pleaser.

Unfortunately, that repeating behavior pattern can only lead to attracting and being attracted to people that would continually take advantage of the people pleaser. 


A Possible Source of People Pleasing

The skill of people pleasing can, but not always, be sourced to emotionally abusive upbringings. Depending on the severity of the mental and emotional abuse, the people pleaser skill set is likely what allowed a number of children to survive unhealthy family environment where unpredictable adult temperament behaviors ran rampant.

A child learns to be a people pleaser in order to appease and maintain the peace with emotionally unhealthy adults. When that child grows up, they take those behavior patterns; they now associate to attachment, and get stuck in emotionally unhealthy relationships.

When a people pleaser is actually with someone that appreciate them without the unreasonable expectation of having to be pleased every step of the way, a people pleaser will often not be able to recognize that as an emotionally healthy dynamic and will often find themselves feeling empty.
 


The Pros of Being a People Pleaser

There are good qualities to being a people pleaser. Being a people pleaser is a great quality in the correct context. On the job, the characteristics of a great people pleaser make for excellent customer care service. Some of the most independent self-employed workers are amazing people pleasers. So are people who excel at being support staff.



People Pleasers And Love Life
 
But in romantic relationships, being a people pleaser will only net you the kinds of partners who are too insecure to manage a partner who understands how to prioritize the needs of the relationship, the needs of the partner and the needs of the people pleaser.

There is a difference between:

1. being a giving person and
2. being a people pleaser.

A giving person gives what they can without giving up so much, that they themselves end up sacrificing their own needs. For example, a student has an exam to study for the next day, and gets a call from her boyfriend to come over because he is feeling a little lonely. The giving person weighs the options of her own need to study, and her desire to keep her boyfriend happy. In the event that the boyfriends' request is not dire (they can see each other after her exam) and her own need for study is very important, a giving person would put her own needs in priority. It does not take away from her being a giving person; it just means she can acknowledge what is more important at the moment.

A people pleaser however, would want the approval of her boyfriend so badly, that she would jeopardize her exam, just because she wants to keep her boyfriend from being slightly upset. See the difference?
 
Why does it not work in relationships? Let's say you are on a date, and your date asks you a common date question, such as:

• why did you chose your current profession?
• what is your favorite meal?
• are you looking to try and have sex with me tonight?

 
A people pleaser will ONLY give the answers that they think the other person WANTS to hear but not the answer they would actually want to give.

This leads to unrealistic expectations on both parts. The people pleaser expects that EVERYONE behaves like a people pleaser, and thus does not factor in how misleading they are actually being on a first date. The potential partner, who is unaware of the people pleasing behavior pattern, takes what is being communicated at face value...only to discover at a later time, the person they are dating is not what they thought.
 

It does not stop there.

People pleaser will please others to the point of feeling anger and resentment for doing things they initially agreed to do, because they feel they cannot say no.

Eventually, the pleasers...EXPLODE!

Partners get the brunt of the explosion, and end up feeling resentful too, because they are not mind readers. And rightly so, however part of being a surviving people pleaser is the anticipation of the dysfunctional emotional cues of the adults they grew up with. The biggest mistake that people pleasers make is the assumption that everyone had to survive childhood acting a like a people pleaser.


Don't Be a Sheep!
 
To simplify why people pleasers do not generate trust in relationships, here is a symbolic analogy: people pleasers are just like sheep. You can trust a Shepherd to be a good Shepherd as long as there is a value for value relationship going on (respect). You can trust a wolf to be a wolf, because you can acknowledge the good and bad in a wolf, and the wolf never tries to be anything other than a wolf (trust). But you can never trust a sheep.

So the next time you are on a date, and you end up in a situation where you need to communicate and or enforce a boundary, and you have a choice to make:


Speak your mind and do not be a sheep

This is a guest post.

Part I

I am 43 years old, married to a great man, have a really good job at a medical company and I have three beautiful daughters aged 8, 11 and 15.  I grew up in the suburbs, was a good girl and went to a top school and graduated with a great education.  So why would I be a pole dancer?  I mean isn’t that like a stripper?  The answer is simple but still complex; yes it is and no it’s not. 
 
Let me start at the beginning.  I decided to go to a class because I really like dancing and I was a stay at home mom who felt like the walls were closing in on me.  I couldn’t really find a dance class that seemed right for me and I signed up for a six week session thinking it was a very limited commitment.  I was very nervous and told no one what I was doing.  It was a small class and we worked on building strength in our arms, so let me tell you we women do not work on this!  Holding myself up for 5 seconds was an impossible task and I could never imagine doing a whole song.  After that we would work on a trick or a move and I loved it.  It was gymnastics for adults with dance moves to tie it all together.  It was so much fun.  We women would go, laugh at ourselves because the attempts to get these moves can be pretty hilarious and we would get some exercise.  Let me say a word about the exercise part.  I never, ever felt like I was working out.  I was going to class just to have fun but suddenly my body transformed.  I built beautiful shoulders, muscled back and arms and eventually even started getting some pretty decent abs.  That’s how it started, my little class where I laughed and got fit and danced.  I loved it, but it’s pole dancing….
 
Telling people you are a pole dancer is very interesting.   There’s a very definite reaction.  It’s not like telling someone you teach yoga.   They try to be cool and supportive and you get a lot of people saying ‘cool … umm that looks hard’.  This is usually where I respond ‘it is!’ and start telling people how hard it is and the core strength one needs and how hard we all train.   I want to say for the record pole fitness/dancing is as much a sport and fitness endeavor as anything out there.  We all cross train and work extremely hard to master the moves and tricks.  At the end of the day, this is gymnastics.  We suffer broken bones, concussions and bruises, Oh the bruises!  The horrified looks you get when people see the bruises when you’re training for a competition are amazing.  The next time you see a woman wearing long sleeves and pants in the middle of summer she may just be a pole dancer.  Pole dancers work on muscle building, coordination, flexibility and balance.  A lot goes into these routines.  There’s performance, musicality, costume and creative concept as well as defying gravity with strength and skill.  We also have to make it look easy.  No judge wants to see you gasping for breath at the end of your routine.  So why would you not think this is a sport?  The Canadian Pole Fitness Association (CPFA) holds regular competitions that have required elements for every level.  There are strict guidelines about costume and what can and can’t be done.  The women and men that compete are athletes plain and simple.  Several pole organizations are making great strides in getting the IOC to recognize pole as an Olympic sport.

There’s always one thing that hangs over our heads though…it’s a pole.  Strippers use them.  The routines can be sexy and typically there are barely any clothes worn.  Let me set the record straight pole requires skin contact on the pole to hold yourself, otherwise you slip.  If you plan to take your hands off the pole then the clothes will become smaller.  There’s no difference than wearing a bathing suit or a gymnastic leotard.   Sexy is a much harder thing to address.  In the beginning I would always say that dancing and expressing yourself in that way leads to body movement than can beautiful and sexy.  Almost all dances have that element built into it, and pole dance is no different.  Does a person dancing the tango or the rumba carry the stigma of a pole dancer?  I still believe this wholeheartedly but I hate that when I say that I sound like I am trying to distance myself from women who dance in an erotic manner and even those who take off their clothes.   You can certainly be a pole dancer and really not at all relate to that world, but for all of us who so strip or are simply dipping our toe in it, then ‘HELL yes! Go for it girl!’ There’s nothing wrong with that but just because you pole dance it does not automatically mean you’re a stripper.  But for me the question is ‘what so wrong with stripping anyway?’